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Toxic mum (and advice to reassure adopted DS)

(32 Posts)
2starsandawish Mon 02-Sep-13 22:11:27

Hi, I have been reading MN for awhile but this is my first post. Sorry if it's long.

Background: I have 4 DCs. DS2 is adopted. He has lived with us since he was 2 and he knows he is adopted. He is now 6. I also have DD1 (9) DS1 (7) and DS3 who I had 3 weeks ago. We were worried about DS2 because he is the baby of the family but he loves his new brother and he is very excited.

My mum can get a bit jealous. She is also very opinionated. However she always says that she loves being a GM and she seems to love my DCs.

Anyway... My mum turned up today (unannounced as usual) My DCs were drawing by the table my mum asked what they were doing and DS2 said that he was doing a picture for his little brother. My mum said 'DS3 isn't YOUR little brother' I said 'Don't be silly mum of course DS3 is his little brother because DS2 is a part of our family' My mum just looked at me and walked off.

DS2 then got his homework out to show DH (who had just come home from work) He had to write about something that happened on his holidays. He wrote about DS3 being born. My mum said 'why didn't you do that at the beginning of the holiday?' DS2 explained that DS3 wasn't born then and my mum told him to 'stop back-chatting' then she turned the TV up.

DH went to drop the DCs off at PILs house and I was feeding DS3 in the living room. My mum started going on about the disadvantage DS3 would have in school and I should of planned it so he wasn't born in August. (DS3 wasn't planned but I didn't want to tell her that) I just said that we would cross that bridge when we came to it.

DH got back and was asking about my day and my mum kept cutting in asking when the DCs were coming back. DH then went to the corner shop and I was carrying DS3 and my mum grabbed him by the leg. I told her to get off which she did and I told her never to do that again.

She flipped and started shouting that I was an unfit mother and I didn't deserve my children because I loved DS2 more and she hated me as a child and I was still fat after having DS3 and just awful stuff.
DH got back and saw her and told her to get out she pushed down on my C-section scar and spat at DS3 and left.

I am gutted she has since called our house phone and left a message saying it was because she was jealous because PILs had looked after the DCs whilst I was in hospital.

I don't want to see her ever again but I am not sure how she will react and this will cause a massive family row.
Also DS2 has come home and is upset because my mum said that DS3 wasn't his brother. I explained that she was wrong and she didn't understand. But he is still upset. SO does anyone know how to reassure him at all because it breaks my heart to see him so upset.

Sorry I am mostly just venting but I was so shocked she hasn't done anything like that since I was 13 years old. If anyone has any advice feel free to comment.

2starsandawish Mon 02-Sep-13 22:15:10

Oh and sorry for any spelling and grammar issues.

Mrschocolate Mon 02-Sep-13 22:21:57

Your mum sounds awful OP and you should really do what is best for your family if that means cutting her out then you should..
Sorry I don't have any advice regarding your DS2 but I didn't want to read and run.
Good luck op xx

MaBumble Mon 02-Sep-13 22:26:18

Oh my god, I am so sorry - that is truly awful. Seriously, I'd be thinking about never allowing her to come anywhere near any of your children again. If she has form for this kind of thing I'm not surprised you choose your PIL looked to after the kids.

Its one thing to be jealous, we all do at some time or another - its another thing again to be totally nasty and mean to innocent children.

I would just keep reassuring your DS2 - tell him that even grown ups can be wrong, that your Mum was in the wrong here. I'm sure someone will come along with better advice soon.

Do not let other minimise or try to sweep in under the carpet. Tell your Mum, if she rings again that you think a bit of cooling down time, some space and time apart, is required. And go from there.

HappySunflower Mon 02-Sep-13 22:28:18

Sorry if this is too blunt, but she sounds completely poisonous and I really think that your children need protecting from her.

heather1 Mon 02-Sep-13 22:29:06

2stars I am just opened mouth reading this post.
You poor ds2 and poor you as well. I think my first action would be to explain to your Mum that you can't see her for x months because of her actions. That you need time to think about the future of your relationship. I think there needs to be some serious apologising from your Mum. I hope things get better for you. And that any future kinds of this behaviour will result in x sanctions.
It sounds like she needs some counselling tbh.

LazyMonkeyButler Mon 02-Sep-13 22:30:03

I normally come on these threads and say things like "you only have one mother, try to work things out, you'll miss her when she's no longer around" etc. etc BUT in your case I will make an exception.

If they way she treated your DS2 wasn't bad enough (and it was), the pushing down on your scar & spitting at a 3 week old baby!? Really?! If anyone did that to me, I wouldn't be seeing them again. Relative or not.

babyhammock Mon 02-Sep-13 22:36:42

OMG you poor thing and poor little DS. Honestly she is totally poisonous, what she did was unforgiveable. Please don't feel bad about cutting her out x

2starsandawish Mon 02-Sep-13 22:37:18

I am aware that she has issues which is why she has never been alone with my DCs. She can't be trusted with them.
But I am more upset for my DCs because she was horrid to DS2 and to DS3.

Madlizzy Mon 02-Sep-13 22:41:00

I'd have nothing to do with her ever again after that. Assaulting you and your baby, saying poisonous stuff to your son, no way would she be welcome back in my house again.

BlackDaisies Mon 02-Sep-13 23:00:21

I would just be very calm and loving with your DS2 and explain (as someone else said) that your mum is wrong, that when you adopted him he became part of your family and your little boy and that makes DS3 his brother. Tell him that your DS3 is lucky to have a big brother like him who cares for him so much. As for your mum, I would send her one message that you do not want to speak to her at the moment as she has upset you and your family. Then block her from your mobile/ email etc. If other family get involved, tell them that she has said some very hurtful things and that you need lots of space at the moment. ("At the moment" may become "ever again", but you don't need to say that yet if you want to hold off a big family rift)

2starsandawish Mon 02-Sep-13 23:04:05

Thank you
I am also angry because tomorrow is the first day of school and this is the last thing I wanted. Instead of a fun day and an early night DS2 was upset and he went to bed late because he needed a lot of reassurance and cuddles. My poor boy sad

CookieDoughKid Mon 02-Sep-13 23:08:04

None of this is acceptable and you know it. You need to let your dcs know your mother is unwell. You need a chat with your mother to let her know this is out of order and also she could be arrested for assault (well, put it nicely or however you like). She is extremely toxic and needs help. The professionally kind.

Viking1 Mon 02-Sep-13 23:10:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MorphyBrown Mon 02-Sep-13 23:13:11

Jesus. She sounds utterly deranged.

Could you do a My Family photo collage for the baby's room? With Mum, Dad, DD, DS1 and DS2 in sparkly letters and surrounded by your pictures? You could all go through them together to pick which ones to use.

2starsandawish Mon 02-Sep-13 23:17:04

morphybrown that is a lovely idea and I will look into planning that tomorrow

DorisIsWaiting Mon 02-Sep-13 23:17:30

I think you need to put your family first.

She is nasty, and even if it does cause a huge family row so what... they all obviously know her.

Look after your dc's. So sorry you have to deal with this when you should be enjoying your newborn (and the other dc's!)

UnicornsNotRiddenByGrownUps Mon 02-Sep-13 23:19:53

Holy crap. That's monstrous. So in one afternoon she:

1. Attempted to make a small child feel unloved in his only and forever home
2. Assaulted and spat at a baby.
3. Assaulted her own daughter in a surgical scar
4. Was rude to her son-in-law
5. Spoke to her own daughter like shit.

Please do what you feel would be best to protect your young family!! I would say go no contact to keep your kids safe.

Congratulations on your baby.

Nanny0gg Mon 02-Sep-13 23:19:57

I am generally a supporter of parents. But not in this case.

She is beyond vile and I wouldn't care if she realised what she had done and came back and grovelled. I really think she should be cut out of your lives. Permanently. There is far too much potential for her to seriously damage DS2.

Is your father still around?

Devora Mon 02-Sep-13 23:20:35

OK, I am having to breathe deeply here. I am an adoptive mother with birth children too, and I would have absolutely zero tolerance for what she did to your DS2 (and the rest of it, but frankly what she said to ds2 is the most damaging).

I wouldn't allow her near any of my children until I was reassured that she understands 'the rules' about how she talks to them.

But the priority now is your poor son. For this to happen on the eve of the first day of school is particularly awful, and I know you'll keep an extra eye on him in the coming weeks. Please don't let him feel that he is responsible for creating trouble in the family, or splitting you all up from granny.

Best of luck to you. Oh, and do you know MN has an adoption board? Lots of friendly people over there if you want to join us.

HerrenaHarridan Mon 02-Sep-13 23:23:54

What a bitch!

Just wow.

Please don't feel bad if you do decide to cut her out.

I agree that you need to explain to all if the children than granny is not well and that sometimes when people's minds are not well their brain makes them say the most hurtful thing they can think of even if they don't mean it and its not true.

The really sad thing is there is nothing you can do to make him forget she said it.

I think he needs to see you standing by him tbh you shouldn't let your mother abuse your children like that.

HerrenaHarridan Mon 02-Sep-13 23:31:07

His first day at school tomorrow?

Aaaah!

What awful timing. Make a big deal out of taking pics if him in his uniform, with his brothers and sister.

Don't mention yesterday unless he does but repeat the words family, brother, sister, my son etc lots and warmly. Tell him unreservedly how proud you are to see your son in his smart uniform, how important it is to you to get a picture of all your children together on his first morning at school.

You can't take away what she said but you can make your position quite clear

KnitFastDieWarm Mon 02-Sep-13 23:38:48

What a poisonous bitch. Life is too short to allow someone who could dream of speaking to a child like that anywhere near your lovely family.
Your poor, poor ds2 sad I want to give him a huge hug, he sounds like a lovely big brother.

happystory Tue 03-Sep-13 09:21:47

Adding to this to say this woman has no right to be called mother or grandmother. Watch out for the 'script' though, soon she will be saying she is ill/depressed/has been to the doctor.

You sound like a lovely close family, cuddle them all tight and be strong in the face of this poison.

2starsandawish Tue 03-Sep-13 10:30:06

My mum split from my dad when I was six. She has also just divorced my step father a year ago.
DS2 is in school after having loads of pictures taken of him. I have also warned his teacher that he may get upset and explained the basics of what happened though I am hoping school may take his mind off things.

oldgrandmama Tue 03-Sep-13 10:32:14

Sorry, but your mother sounds utterly vile and if I were you, I'd never have anything to do with her again. Apart from being astoundingly cruel to your adopted son, she sounds that she can be dangerous in a physical way - pushing on your recent scar and spitting at your tiny baby. I'd shut off ALL contact. And I agree with the others - you sound a wonderful, loving and caring family and all your kids are very very lucky.

RegTheMonkey Tue 03-Sep-13 14:19:58

She spat. At a baby. She spat at a 3 week old baby! Even just this one single act is enough to show she's deranged. Then to try and hurt you on a surgical scar - her own daughter. I am beyond amazed and bewildered by this behaviour.
I think you sound like a wonderful mother and your DS2 is part of a lovely family. You are doing the right things, keeping him involved with the new baby, praising him for being a brilliant big brother.
As for your mother. Me? I'd never see or speak to her again. Ever. She spat at your baby!

FondantNancy Tue 03-Sep-13 14:47:45

shock She is poisonous and deranged. PLEASE don't let her near your children again. She deliberately physically hurt you and spat at your baby?

Buswanker Tue 03-Sep-13 14:53:40

Do not let her anywhere near you or your children ever again, threaten to and go to the police if necessary.
Your adopted child is your child and should be treated as such, and should be loved by everyone in his family.
Her behaviour is unacceptable to you and your children.

Mumsyblouse Tue 03-Sep-13 14:54:17

Any one of these things would mean I wouldn't let her in the house again (I can't imagine my mother or even my rather difficult MIL doing any of them)- all together, and she's out I'm afraid.

She hurt you, spat at a baby, insulted your husband and told your dear son he didn't have a brother.

I wouldn't excuse this. And in some ways, that's the best for your whole family anyway.

deXavia Tue 03-Sep-13 14:58:33

Your poor DS. I don't know much about adoption but I do have my own 6 year old DS who had a few problems to deal wit. We got into the habit of a small walk every weekend usually just to go get the papers, or something trivial but we did it every weekend and if we forgot we'd squeeze it in on sunday evening to "see if we could spot a star". I know it will be so difficult with the other kids and such a new baby but please try to find some time for him over the next few weeks. In my experience 6year old boys sometimes need a bit of time to let hurtful things come out.
As for your mother I would never wish to speak to her again, but I get how family pressures etc make that hard and maybe you don't need that stress just at the moment. I agree with the poster who said cut off contact for now - you have different priorities. If and when you decide to remake contact you can choose the timing. But that might be less stressful and less likely to cause a scene than and out and out "forever"

RegTheMonkey Wed 04-Sep-13 16:54:01

Just wondering how you were feeling now OP?

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