Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Should my dh have dropped everything to help me?

(47 Posts)
Doubtfuldaphne Mon 02-Sep-13 09:25:15

My dad is livid with dh.
Dh stayed over at his sisters over weekend for a drinking session. She's about an hour away.
As sods law would have it I developed a nasty case of d&v and as I couldn't get hold of dh my dad came over to help me and look after dc's, from 5am -mid day. it took all day to get hold of dh and he made no attempt to rush back. When he did return he went straight to bed obviously very hungover. Sil sided with him and I got the impression they thought I was being very rude and difficult wanting him to come back to me.
I'm upset that last night he wouldn't get dd ready for bed and I had to do it (while feeling really ill) he was far more interested in sleeping off his hangover.
I just don't know what to think!

ShatnersBassoon Mon 02-Sep-13 09:35:10

Could he have rushed back if heavy drinking was underway? An hour away in a taxi would be horribly expensive, and would he have been any use anyway?

You and your dad muddled through. I'd be more annoyed about ignoring calls etc. than the non-appearance tbh.

curlew Mon 02-Sep-13 09:37:48

Difficult. Was it easy for your dad to come and help you, or was it incredibly inconvenient? Is the weekend away a regular thing, or a one off?

BebeBelge Mon 02-Sep-13 09:38:11

yes, he absolutely should have dropped everything to come home presumably because he, you know, loves you and cares about you and the dc? I'm shocked actually.

The only excuse would be if he had had too much to drive but I would expect him to explore all other options regarding taxi, public transport etc first and in that scenario he should have taken over all childcare the second he finally stepped through the door.

I hope he is not always as selfish,, OP. Poor you. Hope you feel better now. And what a lovely Dad you have!

Doubtfuldaphne Mon 02-Sep-13 09:44:55

Thank you, my dad was happy to help but he was so shocked that dh wasn't so bothered about it at all! His sister picked him up so he didnt have his car and had to wait until she was ok to drive before setting off. This is his argument.
The worst bit for me is that I couldnt contact him and the fact that his drinking is becoming more and more of a problem. Sil has no responsibilities. Divorced/no dc's so I feel she doesn't really 'get' why I get annoyed with them sometimes

Notmyidea Mon 02-Sep-13 09:48:08

I think he probably felt dreadful too, although of the self-inflicted variety.
I wouldn't have expected him to drop everything, especially if he were over the limit to drive but you should both be muddling through and helping each other today.
Is there a sense of fairness between you when it comes to who gets the time and money for nights out?

BlissfullyIgnorant Mon 02-Sep-13 09:49:40

Next time he has a hangover, clean the carpets with one of those machines you hire from Homebase grin. Of course, you'll have to vacuum everywhere before washing grin

curlew Mon 02-Sep-13 09:50:13

"yes, he absolutely should have dropped everything to come home presumably because he, you know, loves you and cares about you and the dc? I'm shocked actually."

Should he? I don't think I would expect my Dp to, unless I was actually really properly ill, or there wasn't anyone else to ask who would be happy to help.

But he's not an arse and doesn't go out often- if he was and did I might feel differently,

Mojavewonderer Mon 02-Sep-13 09:53:08

If he was pissed up I would be glad he didn't bother coming back if I were you because at least you had your dad to help. It's sucks you were ill and at a bad time but you had help and your husband couldn't have predicted you would get ill when you did.
My husband goes away for months at a time and you can bet your bottom dollar something bad will happen as soon as he's stepped on the plane but you just middle through, that's why us women are made the way we are.
I was due to move 5 hours away last year and on move day I got norovirus, I was meant to be driving my kids and pets 5 hours to the new house but because of my delicate state my husband had to abandon his car and drive us all instead with me throwing up in a bowel and having to stop every half hour. When we got there my husband was angry, tired and not very nice to me but we got through it and managed to have the house straight in a day can you believe although no thanks to me because I just hugged the toilet all day while my mum & husband unpacked. I of course got my own back when one evening 4 days later my husband suddenly jumped up and starting vomiting in the downstairs toilet hehe he had caught it too! Cheered me right up that did. About 2 days later he went out and bought me flower, chocs and a I'm sorry card because he hasn't realised how poorly I had been and he felt so awful for being so mean to me.

MissStrawberry Mon 02-Sep-13 09:53:31

It wasn't so much the being pissed and the SIL being an interfering cow but the fact that he turned his phone off and showed how little he cares about you and the children that is the main problem imo.

CinnabarRed Mon 02-Sep-13 10:10:28

Would you like to talk about how his drinking is becoming more and more of a problem?

I'd be pretty pissed off by his behaviour, FWIW. Sure, everyone's entitled to a night off, but if he was still incapable of helping you put DD to bed the following day and when you were pretty ill, then that's not OK in my book.

Doubtfuldaphne Mon 02-Sep-13 10:17:30

He's always been a drinker but it just seems like drinking is more important than anything else now. He usually dinks on his own or with his sister who encourages it. His doctor has told him to cut down as his liver is in bad condition. You'd think that would be enough!
Is it fair to ask him to choose drink or his family?

Snazzyenjoyingsummer Mon 02-Sep-13 10:24:34

Yes of course he should have come back straight away. He wasn't at his best friend's stag night or something that will only happen once. He was doing something he can (presumably) do any time, and you were ill and needed help. And to moan and groan about a hangover and not be bothered about his family is poor.

Sadly from your later posts, OP, it sounds like his drinking is a major problem. You need to get support on dealing with that.

curlew I don't get your reference to "unless I was actually really properly ill". Full on D&V is not a walk in the park. And certainly it comes above 'suffering from a hangover' in my book.

OctopusPete8 Mon 02-Sep-13 10:25:04

I'd be very angry at the not helping when he got back.

sparkle12mar08 Mon 02-Sep-13 10:30:52

For the original question only, no I wouldn't have expected him to drop everything and come back - it would have cost a bomb if too drunk to drive and he'd have been useless to you anyway. I would, however, have expected contrition on a humungous scale once he did arrive.

As to the broader question of his general drinking, only you can know whether or not an ultimatum would work. I would only say that you should not even consider issuing one unless you are absolutely determined to see it through - it's a pointless exercise otherwise.

Doubtfuldaphne Mon 02-Sep-13 10:39:47

I am going to ask him to see a doctor again or go myself and tell them what's happening. I think the drinking and his lack of responsibility is the main issue really

OhDearNigel Mon 02-Sep-13 10:41:20

yes, he absolutely should have dropped everything to come home presumably because he, you know, loves you and cares about you and the dc? I'm shocked actually

My DH loves and cares about me, however it would not cross my mind to recall him from a planned social activity unless I was completely incapacitated. Surely you just shove them in front of the TV, lie on the sofa covered in a blanket and say "be gentle with Mummy". That's what I do.
I would, however, expect him to be helpfulness personified when he got home - hangovers do not buy a "get out of jail free" card in my house.

RaRaZ Mon 02-Sep-13 10:42:23

Same as Sparkle: I think -especially on a weekend night! - it would have cost a bomb to get a taxi back and quite possibly taken a while to find one that's free as well. I wouldn't really have expected him to come back, and if it was my DP, I'd have rathered he hadn't broken the bank to do so. BUT I'd have expected his first concern when he got in to be how you were and how he could help.

OhDearNigel Mon 02-Sep-13 10:43:12

OP, from your last post I assume this is a regular occurrence ? In that case I take back my last post which was based on the assumption that Big Nights Out are a rare festivity as they are chez Nigel.

If he's doing it all the time then this is not fair and he needs to man up.

Floggingmolly Mon 02-Sep-13 10:43:45

I'd be more concerned with him spending the entire weekend at his sister's with the sole purpose of getting rat arsed. That's your real problem, not the fact that he didn't curtail the party when you were ill hmm

Doubtfuldaphne Mon 02-Sep-13 10:51:50

I agree! I just don't understand what is so great about getting wasted all weekend when you've got a young family to have fun with instead sad

curlew Mon 02-Sep-13 10:55:05

"curlew I don't get your reference to "unless I was actually really properly ill". Full on D&V is not a walk in the park. And certainly it comes above 'suffering from a hangover' in my book."

I meant ill like not knowing what with and doctors and stuff. Not something you can go to bed and get over while somebody else looks after the kids.

Hassled Mon 02-Sep-13 10:57:57

I'm not surprised your Dad is livid. Listen to your father.

If your DH had been working then fair enough. But to leave you struggling so he could carry on drinking? That's really crap.

curlew Mon 02-Sep-13 11:01:07

But she wasn't struggling- she had her dad helping her.

If I was visiting my sister and Dp called me back because he was ill when his parents or someone were happy to help out, I wouldn't be at all impressed,

QueenQueenie Mon 02-Sep-13 11:11:38

The real problem is the drinking. Choosing to go on a bender from the weekend away from home and drinking to such excess that he's pretty much useless for days afterwards? What sort of way is that to live when you have a family, what sort of role model is he as a father? The only person who can adresss that though is him. You need to decide how you feel about it, what you expect him to do / not do and have a frank discussion about this. Personally I wouldn't want to be with someone who does this.

Doubtfuldaphne Mon 02-Sep-13 11:12:58

My dad is angry because its not his job to be looking after me its my husband's job really. Dh has no sense of responsibility. This happened Sunday when they weren't still drinking but sleeping with terrible hangovers!

scarletforya Mon 02-Sep-13 11:14:14

D&V is properly ill. I had it a few weeks ago and there was no such luck as 'going to bed'....hugging the toilet, spewing my guts and the world running out of your bum is what it is.

It's the worst I felt in years. Impossible to look after kids in that state!

needsomeperspective Mon 02-Sep-13 11:15:09

Would nt dream of calling dh back from a weekend away if I had d and v. I would have stopped him leaving if that wss an option but wouldn't expect him to come back unless I was ill to the point of hospitalisation.

Doubtfuldaphne Mon 02-Sep-13 11:16:08

It's horrible isn't it? Especially with a toddler and a teenager to look after. I passed out at one point too sad
I want to know how long it'll last I'm still in bed feeling terrible now!

susiedaisy Mon 02-Sep-13 11:21:42

Turning his phone off and then going straight bed when he got home would be my problems with this situation!

What was the drinking session with sil all about ?!?

susiedaisy Mon 02-Sep-13 11:22:17

Ah my mistake it was his sister not sil

susiedaisy Mon 02-Sep-13 11:24:04

My exh had done this to me several times during our marriage. Turning your phone off or answering all other calls but not your spouses is shitty and really hurtful!

MrsOakenshield Mon 02-Sep-13 11:24:33

hold on - you have a teenager? Surely they should have been able to help out if you're poorly.

For what it's worth, I don't think that your DH should have had to have come home early from a planned social activity (and if me or DH had something similar planned i would have the following day written off with a hangover) - you have a teenager who should be able to do quite a lot, and your dad came over.

BUT, it sounds like the real problem isn't this one occasion, but your H's drinking in general. And don't blame his SiL, he's a grown man and knows where his responsibilities lie.

SooticaTheWitchesCat Mon 02-Sep-13 11:25:08

I don't think the problem is whether he came back from his sisters but his drinking propblem on the whole. I'm sure you wouldn't have been so angry if this had been a one off event. I woulnd't have expected my husband to come back but then he doesn't spend all his time drinking and is there for me most of the time I need him.

I hope you feel better soon and I also hope your husband sorts out his alcohol problem.

Doubtfuldaphne Mon 02-Sep-13 11:29:17

Thank you. I hope he can confront his alcohol problem now.
He's meeting with my dad later for a talk which is great. My teenager was away on Sunday when I was ill but came back later that day to help. I say teenager but he's actually only nearly 13.

I agree with you OP.

Spending a weekend with your sister for the express purpose of getting wasted, when you have a young family at home and your doctor has told you to cut down on drinking, is not a great idea in the first place, let alone his ignoring you.

He must have quite a serious problem if they've been testing his liver function and it's bad. If he keeps binging even with that, then yes I do think it's fair to say 'drink or the family' (but only if you mean it).

You cannot make him change, but you don't have to make your kids watch their father drink himself to death.

TheWookiesWife Mon 02-Sep-13 11:38:52

hi - I hope you are feeling better now !!!
it's horrible when you are inwell - and having a supportive partner is what most people would hope to have ... sadly not all partners are as supportive as we'd like them to be :-(
now he's aware of this, I hope this doesn't happen again for you !
who knows - he might catch it next - then he will appreciate exactly what you were going through !

cleopatrasasp Mon 02-Sep-13 14:06:30

My DH would have been worried about me and would definitely have come home to look after the kids - surely that's normal, responsible and loving behaviour? I'm amazed people think it isn't and that weekend jollies trump caring for family members and their children. When I last had d & v I was so ill with it I spent hours lying next to the lavatory as I daren't move since the slightest movement set everything off again. There's no way on earth I could have looked after children and I am generally as tough as old boots.

Oh, and it's not the grandfather's job to take over a father's responsibilities just because he can't be arsed to come home, I'm not surprised your dad was livid as it shows a total lack of care for you and your children and he is your dad after all.

I hope you're feeling much better and will be back to normal soon Doubtfuldaphne. smile

Loopytiles Mon 02-Sep-13 14:27:48

Sounds like a serious alcohol problem that his GP has told him is risking his health. And that his sister enables it or also has a problem. Some good threads on here about booze, and obviously also organisations like al-anon.

Doubtfuldaphne Mon 02-Sep-13 17:32:19

Thanks for the support everyone. He's got very defensive and thrown all kinds of arguments back at me such as'im always ill' and 'your dad was there-he should want to look after his daughter!' And also changed story to say they hadn't had that much to drink but his lift back took a long time to get ready and as I take ages to get ready I know what it's like. All v. Poor excuses.
It's all to defend himself against the real facts that his drinking is causing a lot of upset. His sister is a problem by encouraging this but he should be big enough to say no.

MissStrawberry Mon 02-Sep-13 17:53:30

FGS a 12 year old should not have to help because his father is a piss head.

DIYapprentice Mon 02-Sep-13 17:58:36

he should want to look after his daughter

Your father rushed back to look after his daughter, your 'D'H didn't rush back to look after his children, did he?!

CinnabarRed Mon 02-Sep-13 19:09:29

I just don't get the whole idea of not interrupting your partner's social life if you're ill.

If I were out overnight, and I found out when I got home that DH and the DCs had had D&V, I'd be cross with him for not telling me - I hate the thought that they'd been suffering when I could have been home helping.

curlew Mon 02-Sep-13 23:14:54

It sounds as if there is more going on for the OP and her partner.

But if my Dp was out for a night with his family or friends, I would certainly try to call in help from somewhere else before I called him back if I was a bit poorly. And I would expect him to do the same........

CinnabarRed Tue 03-Sep-13 07:42:57

There's a difference between being a bit poorly, and passed out by the toilet....

D&V can range from inconvenient and crampy to hospitalisation. Sounds like the OP was at the more severe end of the spectrum.

And the H regularly goes out drinking at the expense of family life. He really couldn't be interrupted this once to look after his sick family? Really?

curlew Tue 03-Sep-13 07:47:51

As I said, going out drinking regularly at the expense of family life is the issue. But the OP had somebody competent and willing to look after the children- I don't think that bit is the problem, and I think it's clouding the real problem. Which is the drinking, the excuse making and the not pitching in when he got home. I would certainly only call Dp back from a night out if I couldn't get someone else to help me. But my situation isn't complicated by other issues.

Lweji Tue 03-Sep-13 07:58:07

How many weekends on your own do you get?

Funny how these men think nothing of going off and returning when they please.

From all you said, I wonder if he'll ever take responsibility over his drinking.
What will you do when he's ill at home or hospital with liver failure? Will he expect you to take care of him? Or perhaps his sister will take over? Likely.

I do think you need to consider carefully your relationship.
Perhaps with Al Anon.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now