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My world is falling apart

(46 Posts)
tri10 Sun 01-Sep-13 23:01:32

I don't know what to do, my husband said there was an emergency at work Friday night and would be late home but didn't know when he would finish. Thought nothing of it, but the following morning I looked at his messages and there was lots about meeting up with some guy( I wasn't looking as I was suspicious I'm just a bit of a nosy Parker confused) didn't get to see the rest of the messages just the meeting bit as he came back in and I couldn't believe what I'd read. Yesterday I just denied it to myself and carried on as normal,I checked his phone this morning and the messages have been deleted but the history is there I googled the name and town and it gay hook up sight today I have been a bit teary and he hasn't asked why but managed to pull it together to go to his mums for dinner.

We came sat on the sofa in silence and then I came to bed. I text him half an hour ago saying I know he lied and can he sleep on sofa I know how cowardly that is but I can't bear it..but no response.

We have 2 children aged 1&4. I can't through him out as he needs to look after them tomorrow while I'm at work.

I just want to pretend it isn't happening.....

motownmover Sun 01-Sep-13 23:03:09

No advice to offer but I am really sorry for what you are going through.

Catwoman12 Sun 01-Sep-13 23:09:45

Oh god tri, how horrible for you, I hope your oksadthanks

You really need to confront him, ask him outright, you will know if he is lying...

Did he text back once you told him to sleep on the sofa? Have you spoken to him since?

Hand holding x

tri10 Sun 01-Sep-13 23:15:34

Still no reply, I just can't face comfronting him I wanted him to coming running upstairs to try and explain or at least apologise but nothing.

I just want to hug my 4 year old but I can't risk waking her.

ImperialBlether Sun 01-Sep-13 23:17:01

That's really horrible. Did you ever think he was interested in men?

tri10 Sun 01-Sep-13 23:19:15

No not all, he looks a bit stereotypical no first meeting. He was always very into boobs etc.

Doha Sun 01-Sep-13 23:19:40

You won't sleep tonight without confronting him tho will you.
I don't think he can explain this away and his silence alone speaks volumes. Go down stairs and ask him for the truth-he has one chance to tell you everything (don't admit how much/little you know).

Walkacrossthesand Sun 01-Sep-13 23:22:33

He's probably sitting downstairs bricking it. Do you feel strong enough to do as Doha suggests?

Yseulte Sun 01-Sep-13 23:22:54

You poor thing OP. I can understand why you confronted him by text, as its a really difficult thing to face to face, more than if it were a woman. Xxx

ImperialBlether Sun 01-Sep-13 23:24:48

I think Doha's right, that you won't sleep without discussing it with him. The problem if you leave it until tomorrow is that he has more time to get his story straight.

You are in shock so don't make any decisions now. Be prepared for the physical reaction of shock to be with you for quite a while.

As Doha says, go down and ask him for the truth - tell him (and mean it) that he has just one chance to tell you the truth.

Yseulte Sun 01-Sep-13 23:32:49

The fact he didn't come running is an answer in itself. If it wasn't true he would have come immediately. (Unless he's fallen asleep)

Catwoman12 Sun 01-Sep-13 23:49:11

Agree with previous posters, waiting until tomorrow will only give him time to get his story straight...

Sending my love OP, x

AintNobodyGotTimeFurThat Sun 01-Sep-13 23:49:48

I am so sorry for what you are going through.

No practical advice but I think you ultimately need to talk to him and find out the truth.

It will eat you up inside if you don't find out.

skyeskyeskye Mon 02-Sep-13 00:01:31

So sorry you are going through this. You do need to talk to him or it will just eat you up. I would imagine he will lie through his teeth so you need to think about what happens next but if he is hooking up with other men then you can't carry on living a lie. He could also be putting your health at risk.

tri10 Mon 02-Sep-13 00:20:41

I heard him putting the dog to bed so I thought that's it he doesn't have the guts to talk to me, but then he appeared upstairs..... Hadn't seen the text. So I guess that was better, he stood there for a bit.....

Apparently it's my fault, as we hardly ever have sex ...... This is probably true but he works shifts so we hardly ever go to bed at the same time. He said it was the first time etc

He had deleted all his texts (but he has always done this) but you could see in his phone history that the messages had been sent, there was a few more dodgy contacts when I asked about them he said he hadn't text them but you could see 18 messages had been sent. But he is adamant that this is the first time he met anyone.

He said he not gay it was just easier to meet a bloke for that kind of thing...he says they didn't have sex the other guy gave him a blowjob that's all....

I don't know what to do, he's got the kids mon &tues while I'm at work so I'm a bit stuck

pennefab Mon 02-Sep-13 01:29:23

If he's engaging in any extra marital activities, you need to ensure your physical safety - insist that both he and you get tested for any and all stds.

Then you need to decide what is best for you and your DC. Can you live with the deception on his part and breaking vows? What support do you have in RL?

What he did was not harmless. He lied to you, sought sex (bj is sexual activity) with someone other than you, then tried to minimize the encounter.

Deep breathing and think hard about whether this is relationship that is in your best interest to salvage.

pennefab Mon 02-Sep-13 01:32:08

And regardless of what you decide about your relationship - he still has responsibilities to DC. Of course he should be watching them while you're at work. That doesn't change.

Bogeyface Mon 02-Sep-13 02:13:21

Straight men dont want blow jobs from other men, they just dont.

And even if they do, cheating is cheating regardless of the genders involved.

DaleyBump Mon 02-Sep-13 02:17:43

No advice but so sorry you're going through this flowers

WhiteandGreen Mon 02-Sep-13 02:17:49

Easier to get a blow job from a man?

CharityFunDay Mon 02-Sep-13 04:33:41

"Eatin' ain't cheatin'" as they say in Arkansas.

In penetrative terms, I didn't lose my virginity until I was 18. In non-penetrative terms, I stopped being a virgin at 16.

Looks like you've got a bisexual husband on your hands. A serious chat is needed.

OTOH if he is a late-developing gay man, then a friendly divorce is probably best.

Hugs to you -- you've been put in an awful position by your man. If it's any consolation, he probably feels like shit too -- or at least he should do.

I really feel for you. This must be an incredible shock. Thinking about it now, did you have an inkling prior to discovery or did anything happen before that makes you think he could have done this before?

Obviously you will have to see how you feel this morning but I am wondering whether you can get some rl support today and perhaps get some time to take this in rather than going to work.

I think your partner's reaction was extremely out of order tbh. He has pushed the blame onto you and brushed the issue aside. That is appalling imo.

mummytime Mon 02-Sep-13 05:52:07

Some of this is a classic part of "The Script".
"It's your fault because we didn't have enough sex."
And "It wasn't full sex."
And "It was the first time."

Please get an STI check. Get him to give you space to think. Look for some specialist counselling to help you think. (Maybe suggest he seeks the same.)

You can survive this.

Doha Mon 02-Sep-13 08:41:19

It wasn't the first time you can be sure of that.
As per the script-it was your fault, you made him do it--classic
He is a liar and a cheat
Most likely he is bisexual.
You need an STI check
He needs a dose of reality.
Can you take a few days off work, go to GP and get your DH out the house. Your DH needs to give you the truth, not some convoluted version of events and then you need time and space to see if you can get over this.
Please get some RL support
Your DH is not the man you think he is if he ever was.
Perhaps try to get an appointment for some legal advice--it's never to soon to get your ducks lined up in a row. Knowledge in this case is power

Catwoman12 Mon 02-Sep-13 11:29:25

How are you feeling today OP? X

tri10 Mon 02-Sep-13 11:51:32

I was ok this morning have come into work. he has text me saying my four year old told him I said I didn't love him hmm the blame seems to be being completely pushed onto me. I'm just so cross I don't want to talk to anyone is real life as I was sort of hoping we could get through it buy im not sure now.

Hegsy Mon 02-Sep-13 11:58:26

Your 4 yo told him you said you didn't love him? hmm

If he can't accept the responsibility for his actions I can't see how you can work through this. This is NOT your fault OP. Even if you were having no sex whatsoever it doesn't excuse his behaviour.

I'd be asking him to leave, he can still help look after his kids if he doesn't live with you.

camaleon Mon 02-Sep-13 12:00:05

tri, it is pretty obvious your husband is not telling the truth. He has looked for gay sex and got it.
You need to be health-wise and go for a STI test.
If he does not come clear this is going to be very difficult to resolve. It is already quite a mess and there is no amount of hiding it from yourself that will help.
I am really sorry. It must be awful but you have to confront this as a grown-up. Don't let him play with your mind and feelings. Don't allow him to use the children in any possible way.
He has cheated on you. With a man. He needs to do lots of explaining. Not you

JuliaScurr Mon 02-Sep-13 12:21:07

www.straightpartnersanonymous.co.uk/

hope they can help you
wine or brew

JuliaScurr Mon 02-Sep-13 12:26:53
skyeskyeskye Mon 02-Sep-13 13:23:49

Most straight men would be appalled at even the thought of any sexual activity with another man. If he was just after a BJ, there are any number of prostitutes out there, so his explanation doesn't hold water.

It sounds like he is going to lie repeatedly to cover up his actions. If he is gay or bi, then he needs to be honest with you.

As for bringing your child into this, that is inexcusable.

Book yourself an STI check and an appointment with a counsellor

AintNobodyGotTimeFurThat Mon 02-Sep-13 17:49:02

I agree that a straight man wouldn't want to have sex with a gay man in any which way.

My friend told me he wasn't gay but him and his friend used to give eachother blowjobs and handjobs. He said he wasn't gay because it wasn't anal sex as that is disgusting and he used to do it whilst in a relationship but as it was with another man it wasn't cheating.

tri10 Mon 02-Sep-13 19:36:42

Thanks for all your messages.

Julia that first website is really helpful.

Kids have just gone to bed so I guess we have a difficult evening ahead of us.

This must have been such a horrible shock for you, Tri. Regardless of the fact that it's a man, your husband lying to you, cheating on you, is trying to minimise it and put the blame onto you. You do indeed have a difficult evening ahead of you. Stay strong; wishing you all the best.

SubliminalMassaging Mon 02-Sep-13 19:46:54

People who are frustrated at a lack of sex with their wives will usually have affairs with other women not men. confused

He is lying, panicking, in denial and clutching at straws. To blame you is despicable - you could be shagging him 20 times a week and it still wouldn't be enough to keep him away from the gay scene if he feels compelled to explore it.

Deal with it however you see fit, but do not let him undermine and gaslight you - it's highly unlikely to be a one-off, or the first time, and it's most definitely not your fault.

TheCricketWidow Mon 02-Sep-13 19:54:58

What a difficult time for you, I've no words of wisdom but would agree with those that have advised that you have a sexual health screening. Thinking of you op.

Xales Mon 02-Sep-13 20:00:04

Cheating is cheating. It doesn't matter if it is man, woman or sheep.

As with all the others I agree you need to get yourself checked out to make sure you have not caught anything.

As for the rest, it's easier to get a BJ from a bloke, it's all your fault and it's the first time. BOLLOCKS

Sorry you are going through this.

Ayres108 Mon 02-Sep-13 21:32:21

Hi, Tri, so sorry you're suffering.

He needs to come to the point where he can express himself to you honestly, sincerely, and with transparency. That takes a certain amount of self-understanding, and in patriarchal culture, that kind of self-understanding is rare in heterosexual men (at least that is my experience). I think it would be good for him to undergo counseling with a therapist experienced in the issues that members of the LGBTQ community face. It is possible that he is experiencing shame and other emotions that are frightening to him; if so, then he will be internally defending himself against those feelings, and such psychological defenses can be quite strong. Professional psychological counseling could help him to get a handle on things. If he is open to going into sessions with an LGBTQ therapist, then, for the two of you, perhaps couples therapy or marital therapy would be beneficial for your relationship.

Please know that you're not alone, and that there are others out there (both men and women) who have faced these things too.

Wishing you the best,

Ayres

Clarina Tue 03-Sep-13 19:33:29

Are you ok tri10?

Catwoman12 Tue 03-Sep-13 19:44:56

Tri, how are you? I have found writing it all down really does help xx

Mumsyblouse Tue 03-Sep-13 20:47:43

I'm so sorry this happened, what a shit! I can see that you are bound to focus on the fact that it is with a man, because the revelation that your husband has gay experiences is a huge one, but despite of all that, he's been unfaithful and out seeking casual sex. That to me is waaaaay worse than having a bisexual husband who is faithful. Many people are bisexual, hide their sexuality, have fantasies, wonder what if, or have had previous gay relationships, but he's married to you and needs to be faithful to you. That's the bottom line.

His excuses are pathetic, he's blaming you and it sounds like he's quite experienced (how likely is it that you caught him the first time?) All of this makes him a complete cheat, not a good quality in a husband.

I would not be hopeful about resolving this unless he can be completely honest about both his sexuality and his seeking of casual sex. Blaming you will simply make you feel rightfully angry.

Mumsyblouse Tue 03-Sep-13 20:49:32

And, I would probably confide in one very good friend. The trouble is that this feels very taboo and this can make you feel even more isolated and awful. But, basically it's the age old story of being a cheater, with a bit of a twist. I would tell a very good friend because you need support and help and someone to take your side too, especially as he appears to be in denial.

littlebunnyfriend Tue 03-Sep-13 21:04:01

Sorry, that is so awful for you. sad

Your hubby is, of course, talking nonsense. It's no easier to hook up with a male than with a female, and I can feel confident in saying that NO straight man would consider getting a blowjob from another man - most would be positively horrified at the thought.

Please do not let him put this on you - he's probably very anxious about himself and his sexuality, but he cannot be allowed to turn this into being your fault. He has been dishonest in so many ways.

ImpatientOne Tue 03-Sep-13 22:48:57

Hope you are ok OP thanks

tri10 Wed 04-Sep-13 22:06:43

So we've talked, he tried to explain..... Still not sure what to do.
I'm off work tomorrow and eldest starts school so will try and speak to someone In real life, but I think that will be even more difficult than confronting him.

You sound really down, Tri, and I'm sorry to hear it. Feels like he holds all the cards. I hope you manage to talk to someone today in RL. I have no advice for you that hasn't already been given upthread- for now, just consider your hand held.

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