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So how do I accuse him when I know nothing has happened YET?

(94 Posts)
meandtheboys Sun 01-Sep-13 03:13:46

OK so this is going to seem ridiculous but please bear with me. About 4 years ago, DH met someone through his then work. Nothing happened with them but I could tell he fancied her and there was definite 'chemistry' there. Whenever we happened to meet her it was awkward and you could tell she didn't want o speak to me.

Me and DH were going through a hard time at the time anyway. DS1 was a baby and we weren't really seeing eye to eye. We were on the verge of breaking up and I often wondered if this woman was possibly adding to the tenstions. Anyway, bottom line is that he left the job for totally unrelated reasons and he and this woman lost contact. They weren't really 'friends' as such, more work collegues, so didn't have each others mobile numbers or anything.

Anyway, years later, me and DH have recovered our marriage and gone on to have another child. I thought things were fine between us. I think they are. BUT today when we were out shopping he bumped into this woman. I didn't think too much of it but later he has sent her messages on facebook yet he's not actually friends with her on facebook so he has actively searched for her today. I know because he left his account logged in on the computer but anyway during these messages he manages to call her 'hun' say how nice it was to see her after all these years and his messages were all ended with a 'x'. She replies the same bullshit and then he asks for her phone number as he finds it easier to text than FB message.

So I know this. Knowing nothing has happened since he only sent the messages today but what do I do? Am I over reacting here? I feel very uncomfortable and I know I am probably being jealous and stupid. What do I do?

He's away camping with our eldest DS tonight so I have no doubt he's been texting this woman whilst there. I am so fucking angry but do I have a right to be? Could it be innocent? Bearing in mind he has not mentioned a thing about even bumping into her today, I feel like he's being shady messaging her without me knowing (only I do know but he doesn't know that!)

SO what do I say without just yelling and looking like a desperate twat?

If things are fine with him actually, why can't you say, "that woman and how you felt about her makes me uncomfortable. I think some of our issues were related to that. I would like us to be happy. Please don't contact her again."? Will he respect how you feel?

meandtheboys Sun 01-Sep-13 03:24:01

Thank you. I think so but I don't know if it will just make me sound unreasonable. At the time of our difficulties 4 years ago, I felt he was too close to her even though he didn't have an affair. But a male friend of mine started to get flirty and 'interested' in me. Even though me and DH were having difficulties and weren't happy, I stopped the friendship with this other male because I knew no matter what I wouldn't go down like that. If we were over, it wasn't going to be because of me cheating. DH knows what happened (well nothing actually happened but he's aware of the situation) with this male friend of mine and I hae never contacted him. Blocked him on Facebook, erased his number and not spoken to him in 4 years. I feel heartbroken that DH hasn't shown me the same respect. He's actively sought her out in order to get in touch with her behind my back. It just makes me feel betrayed.

heidihole Sun 01-Sep-13 03:41:22

You could always say nothing so as not to alert him and get a look at his phone. If no messages then you know he's deleted them (check sent too) and that will ring alarm bells. If they are there you can read them. Do this before you alert him that you know he's in touch.

meandtheboys Sun 01-Sep-13 03:48:48

Good idea but I don't know how I feel about going through his phone. Doesn't that seem a bit too much like I'm spying. Also if they have been deleted how the hell do I accuse him without telling him I've searched his phone? I'm just so sad. All this secrecy and checking up on him. I never wanted us to be like this. I am so disappointed.

VortexOfDisaster Sun 01-Sep-13 04:18:44

I would be furious if my DH sought contact with a woman in this sort of situation. I agree with MrsTerryPratchett, and would definitely confront him immediately. If he is not going to respect your feelings about this, then that is a problem.

Seriously - what were his intentions in seeking her out and asking for her phone number?

The fact of the matter is that he may have liked her as a friend at work, possibly there was an attraction, he left work. He bumped into an old colleague and FBed her. Really nothing to write home about. He left his FB open which he wouldn't have done if he was starting an affair. Unless there is something to worry about.

Either way just tell him how you feel. Be honest. Ask for what you need.

VortexOfDisaster Sun 01-Sep-13 05:04:09

Yes, of course - it might be nothing; you will only find out by asking.

I do think, though, that the fact there was an issue in the past involving this woman means seeking her out was at the very least insensitive. I have a friend who was in a similar situation, and it did not turn out to be innocent.

I really hope it is just catching up with an old friend. Good luck, and I hope you have someone in RL to chat to.

Quiltcover Sun 01-Sep-13 08:13:50

I understand how you feel. I would be upset too especially with the history behind it. Putting kisses at the end if messages to a woman you hadn't seen for years would ring alarm bells a little.

I think you need to hold fire for a bit though. Keep an eye on things. Jot down the woman's phone number given to your dh from FB. Is it in your dh phone? If so under her name? It is easy to get your head turned, I think more do for men who are often more vulnerable to seeking attention!

If they are going to text etc, it will prob hear up the next week or so. Is he any different? More sparky or distant?

If you feel he is texting her. I would just be honest and say you saw on FB that he had contacted her as his page was open. You are surprised he didn't mention it given the history. Why not? Then ask what further contact he's had outside FB.

Fwiw I think asking for a private mobile number is a bit hmm, absolutely no need and is not the behaviour if a married man to be having secret chats with someone he has history with.

meandtheboys Sun 01-Sep-13 12:58:06

Exactly quiltcover. That's how I feel that it's just not the behaviour of a married man. He's still away with DS1 at the minute but they should be home in a few hours. I keep swinging wildly between anger and confronting him as soon as the boys are in bed, then maybe just gently asking to see if he owns up to anything. Then I start feeling so hurt that I just don't know what to do. Right now I'm in the anger phase but 5 minutes ago I was actually feeling sorry for him when technically he hasn't done anything yet. I just feel betrayed. Utterly pissed off. I just find it so disrespectful. I would never ever get back in contact with the male friend I had because I wouldn't want to reopen that can of worms. He so obviously doesn't feel the same.

SuzySuzSuz Sun 01-Sep-13 14:09:00

What about asking him in a general manner if they're still in touch or would get back in touch to see if he lies about the Facebook / mobile number?

TiffanyAtBreakfast Sun 01-Sep-13 15:25:27

I wouldn't be okay with this personally. If it were me I would do as others have suggested and check his phone when he gets home.

If there's nothing to be found, then talk to him calmly about it and say you'd rather they weren't

TiffanyAtBreakfast Sun 01-Sep-13 15:28:30

I wouldn't be okay with this personally. If it were me I would do as others have suggested and check his phone when he gets home.

If there's nothing to be found, then talk to him calmly about it and say you'd rather they weren't in contact in that way. Not mentioning seeing her is what rings alarm bells for me.

TiffanyAtBreakfast Sun 01-Sep-13 15:30:02

Argh sorry, entered too soon

ALittleStranger Sun 01-Sep-13 16:28:52

I think you're justified to be angry/suspicious. Contacting someone you bump into after a long time apart isn't that unusual, but I do find it odd that he's instantly asked for her number, fallen straight back into very chummy chat etc. When I bump into old sort of friend's it can be lovely but there's often a distance there at first IYSWIM.

I would mention something...

Quiltcover Sun 01-Sep-13 19:54:50

Have you said anything op?

meandtheboys Mon 02-Sep-13 09:27:58

Thanks for asking after me! Well I confronted him. (I did note down her phone number so I can check his phone later if I feel suspicious). It ended with an argument because DH, as expected said it was all totally innocent. I got angry and explained how it felt to me and the fact that he hadn't mentioned it despite knowing how much it would make me uncomfortable. He said that was the reason he hadn't said anything because he knew it would be awkward. I told him in that case he shouldn't have fucking done it then! If he knew it would make me feel awkward. I then asked him how he'd feel if he found messages from another bloke (especially one he had suspicions about fancying me) with kisses and calling him 'hun' etc. He agreed that yes he'd be pissed off. That is when he kind of mellowed and accepted that it was wrong what he'd done. Apparently the woman is now getting married and she only wanted to be in touch to invite us to the wedding. I am not entirely sure I believe this since it doesn't say on her facebook that she's in a relationship or engaged and it seems a bit of a get out clause to me. There are also no pictures whatso ever of her on her profile with her and another man. This rang alarm bells with me. Surely there'd be some photos of her and her fiance?!

Anyway, he claims he knows he was wrong and is 'sorry'. I am actually convinced he's sorry but only because he's sorry he got caught. I have no doubts that if I hadn't have accidentally found these messages that he would have text her. I don't think it would have necessarily turned into anything more but I explained how much I will doubt him now because he has planted those seeds. How could he expect me to believe him from now on. He understands this and has said he won't text her or contact her again. I did explain that it wasn't the fact that he was in touch with her, more the fact the he was in touch with her behind my back. how would he have explained her inviting us to the wedding (if indeed there is going to be a wedding?????!) Hmmmm.

Over all, I'm glad I confronted him but I still feel hurt. I still feel betrayed even though I know nothing happened or would have happened. It's the deceit and the shadiness of it all. I don't know if he'll contact her. I really don't know. I just hope if he does and they are just 'friends' then he will have the decency to tell me about it. My worry is, that now he knows he's been 'caught out' that he will just go to more effort to keep it secret. He'd be a fucking fool if he betrays me again. If one more incident like this occurs, I have made it clear I will not tolerate it. We have always been best friends. Been together for 12 years and known each other since school. If he's prepared to jeapordise all that for some other woman then he's an idiot. I think we will talk more tonight. Hopefully it won't end in argument but it all needed to be said.

Mojavewonderer Mon 02-Sep-13 09:41:58

You did well to catch it when you did and its obvious he had some bad intentions there regarding this woman. He sought her out even though he knew it was wrong and has also seemingly lied about why he did. Fb is a terrible thing and I think the route of a lot of relationship woes. They don't call it fuckbook for nothing!
I hope you can get back on track. Although now I suspect you'll be watching your back from now on.

meandtheboys Mon 02-Sep-13 09:50:34

Exactly Mojave. I feel like he's turned me into a paranoid jealous bitch. Even when he knew her years ago I wasn't watching him like this. Not it's the fact that he kept it secret that hurts. What an fool sad .

I would have trusted him with my life. I never feel the need to go through his phone or check who every one of his friends are on facebook. We've never had any jealousy or trust issues before. Now I am on high alert and it doesn't feel good. I want him to know quite how much he has damaged us and it will take a long long time to fix that. I also want him to knw that I really do not believe she is getting married. whether she just said that to make DH jealous and make her seem desirable or whether he's made it up to try and place me, I don't know.

I just don't feel like I trust him anymore. Not that he cheated on me but that he could lie and keep secrets about something so hurtful and potentially damaging. It has made me question everything. Who is he really texting?? Who are all his friends on facebook?? Who is he really meeting up with etc?? I've never ever felt like this before with him. It' jut so sad over something so stupid. What an idiot. I told him that heshowed poor judgement and a lack or respect. That won't be mended over night! I would just have never ever trated him with such disrespect. I have way too much love and respect for him and our marriage. I told him to be very considerate over his next moves because it will shape our family and our children't lives forever. He then cried and said he really didn't mean to be such a horrible person. I do believe he would never want to hurt the boys but he just didn't even think how this would affect US which in turn obviously could ruin everything.

meandtheboys Mon 02-Sep-13 09:51:44

^ Placate me ^ not place me!

Looksgoodingravy Mon 02-Sep-13 10:42:05

You did the best thing confronting your dh. Hopefully this has put a stop to things going further.

Take a look at Just 'Good Friends' by Shirley Glass and read it with your dh. It has sections describing the 'slippery slope' leading to an affair.

Unfortunately I didn't find out about dp until things had gone too far but his story started the same. The reconnection with 'old friends', the fb messages turning to fb chat and then mobile texting. The names of the women were saved as men's names on dp's phone btw and I think this is quite a common thing the cheater does judging by other stories I've read on here.

I hope you can sort this out.

MexicanHat Mon 02-Sep-13 10:52:48

How does your H know she is getting married and wants to invite you to the wedding? Presumably you would have seen this yourself if your read the Facebook messages? If not how does he know?

Quiltcover Mon 02-Sep-13 11:27:11

I think you did the right thing op. I understand the hurt. My dh has behaved like this on occasion and you start to get paranoid and have trust issues. It's not that you think they are going to meet and shag, but its the in appropriateness and secrecy. You're never quite sure what the full picture is.

When married for a long time, it is upsetting to think of either partner being attracted sexually to other people. I try to think of it as neither partner is dead and its natural to find people attractive. Indeed I can pick out women who my partner would like and vice versa. We tend to joke about it, which I feel takes the risk and excitement out of any potential in appropriateness.

Secrecy damages relationships. Your dh knows he messed up. He liked the attention. Very hurtful to his wife who is devoted to him. Cliche I know but try to spend nice time together.

beaglesaresweet Mon 02-Sep-13 11:39:33

Mexican - because he's bumped in to her of course, and she presumable told him about the wedding!

beaglesaresweet Mon 02-Sep-13 11:42:51

OP I don't think he'd lie about the wedding as it's easy for you to check (i.e. when and where is the wedding), so he wouldn't do that.
But did he say why did he take her mobile number - that was crossing the line tbh, unless it was just for arrangements re wedding.

meandtheboys Mon 02-Sep-13 13:08:20

Ahh yes mexican alledgedly she told him about the wedding whilst I was off with the boys and he bumped into her in the shop. He apparently doesn't know where the wedding is, they really weren't talking for long, literally 5 minutes. But it's apparently soon and she'll be seding out invites soon. hmm, I don't know. Why the fuck would she want to invite someone she only worked with for a few months and hasn't actually seen or spoken to for nearly 5 years??? It doesn't really make sense to me. I really wouldn't be surprised if he's just made that up to try and stop me from being jealous. This is the thing. I now find myself doubting EVERYTHING. Such an little thing. A few messages sent on facebook but it's made me question everything now in a way I've never had to before. A few months ago I'd have swon on my children's lives that DH would never ever cheat, now I find myself wondering. I know he never has cheated but I am not sure he wouldn't be tempted if this girl was putting it out there. It feels so horrible. Like I'm just waiting for it to happen now. If I had to put a stop to it this time, what's to stop it from happening next time? Would he tell me if he saw her again? Would he text her without telling me? I feel I don't know him anymore. I know he'd just think I was being over dramatic but it feels very raw. As he says he hasn't actually DONE anything and I know that. He only messaged her for one day and there was nothing explicit or no mentions of a meet up behind my back. So why didn't he just fucking tell me?? That is what bothers me more than anything. If he thought I'd be awkward about him being friends with her again then what was he going to do? Just keep lying to me forever, meet up with her and not tell me??? I don't see why he would need her in his life given the way I told him it made me feel in the past. I really am so angry. I know it must seem pathetic. I know people get caught doing much worse, but it just makes me feel like I am fighting the tide now. If I hadn't have stepped in and stopped it, where would the lies have ended?

meandtheboys Mon 02-Sep-13 13:16:23

Quiltcover, we do actually joke about who we fancy when out and about, I'll point out girls to him who we both agree are gorgeous. I have no problem with him looking at other girls. He'll do the same with other men he says are attractive etc. There's no harm in that at all. We really are like best friends which is why this hurts so much. Not only have I lost trust in my husband but everything I love about him seems to be coming under the shadow of doubt now.

He apparently took her number because he was camping with our eldest son that night and didn't want to be messaging on facebook at the time so thought it would be easier just to send her a text when he got back. I don't know. The whole thing seems dodgy to me now. I am under no illusions as to what he could have been planning or whatever fantasy he may have had. Maybe it was just the attention. Or maybe it was friendship. I have no idea.

Wellwobbly Mon 02-Sep-13 13:28:44

Well done for confronting.

The bottom line is, is that he can do whatever he likes. But he can't do whatever he likes and still get his home comforts.

Warn him very, very clearly that he will be choosing, that he cannot have both. That to do things in secret behind your back is devastatingly hurtful and disrespectful, if he wants to be free he must just say so.

In fact, you should take yourself off for at least a week, tell him, because you feel sad angry and hurt about what has happened and how he doesn't appreciate the damage his EA caused. Go off, don't tell him when you are coming back, stay away for 10 days or so and that might concentrate his mind a little

AnyFucker Mon 02-Sep-13 13:31:55

Sweetheart, you seem to be repeating to us and yourself over and over that nothing has ever happened with this girl.

her behaviour towards you 4 years was a huge red flag

are you absolutely sure about this ?

AnyFucker Mon 02-Sep-13 13:32:10

4 years *ago

meandtheboys Mon 02-Sep-13 13:44:41

Yeah I am sure. I know he never cheated. She was actually seeing another bloke that they both worked with at the time. Also he never had her mobile number back then and never had to 'work late' or anything. He was pretty tied to me and our baby. He didn't even go out on any night out or anything. He came home for lunch to see our baby so he'd have struggled to fit it in but of course I can never be 100% now because of this.

It was just obvious how much she fancied DH. Which DH is just so bloody oblivious to (or is he???) Maybe he liked the attention. He didn't act awkward when we were around her. It was her kind of avoiding eye contact with me and looking at DH with a flirty smile. I know for a fact that she is his 'type' though. She has the long dark hair and the pretty brown eyes. I know from when are pointing people out to each other he always goes for.

Also from the messages it was all very kind of chatty, no mention of anything happening in the past or any activities. This is going to sound very nasty now but she comes accross as a bit easy, maybe that's attractive to men. I just thought more of my DH. I can't believe anything now can I?

AgathaF Mon 02-Sep-13 13:51:22

Can you get him to show you the texts they sent?

I think you are right to be uncomfortable with this. It strikes me as very odd that she would invite you both to a wedding that is very soon (so presumably numbers were all sorted ages ago) when she clearly didn't like being around you years ago and she allegedly hasn't seen your DH for years either.

meandtheboys Mon 02-Sep-13 13:56:34

That's what I thought. She definitely hasn't seen him for years because it said in the messages 'was nice to see you after all these years hun' Apparently she gave her number through facebook but he didn't get round to texting her because he was with DS. He was intending to text her when he got back though. I have had a look and her number isn't saved, even under anyone elses name and having checked facebook again he has deleted her messages so as far as I can tell he doesn't have her number. What's to stop him from jotting it down though? I won't know now because he did this behind my back. He could be doing or planning anything.

meandtheboys Mon 02-Sep-13 13:57:56

Actually, DH said she was planning on inviting HIM to the wedding. There was no mention of me (which I kind of undertand since I've only met her 3 times and clearly she didn't want to speak to me!)

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 02-Sep-13 14:01:38

Sounds like they had an emotional affair all those years ago. Here is a good link.

The other thing I want to point out is that people having emotional affairs are usually in denial that the friendship has crossed boundaries - they are far too wrapped up in the buzz to think rationally and a cold sharp shock is the best way of bursting this bubble.

meandtheboys Mon 02-Sep-13 14:03:10

I still don't belive there will be a wedding. I know I must sound ridiculous but surely there would be a mention of it on facebook. Her wall isn't private so I can see her statuses. No mention of a fiance or a countdown to the wedding, noone else asking her about it, no photos of her and a man. Looks like the profile of a VERY single girl to me. Typical selfies of herself pouting and sticking her tits out hmm No mention of a boyfriend or fiance. Just lots of 'crazy nights out' and self pictures.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 02-Sep-13 14:09:51

You could be right OP - that there is no wedding. The secrecy and lies are enough to raise an alarm.

Always trust your instincts - these were telling you something was going on 4 years ago and that its about to start again....

AgathaF Mon 02-Sep-13 14:46:29

So either way, not good. If there is a wedding and she was planning on inviting just him to the wedding, was he intending going? Given the history of their friendship, I that would be utterly disrespectful of him towards you. So why didn't he just say 'thank you, but no' when they met? If there isn't a wedding and he has made the whole thing up, how bloody hurtful to invent a wedding invitation just for himself from someone that he knows makes you feel uneasy.

The whole thing smacks of him feeling flattered by the attention and out for a little ego stroking.

fackinell Mon 02-Sep-13 15:12:27

Well done in confronting him, OP. these things are definitely best nipped in the bud.

My ExP and I knew a girl like this. She shamelessly flirted with him but was strangely over friendly to me. We later split up as he said he wasn't in love with me any more (we had been fighting a lot about unrelated stuff and it was a relief tbh.) and a few mths later he got with her. They are now having a baby and ironically he is not allowing him to have a friendship with ME!!

There is a certain type of women that are a dangerous breed IMO but he was doubly in the wrong. He is married! It will be difficult for your trust to be rebuilt now but he presumably isn't stupid, the stakes are very high for him. He probably enjoyed the ego massage, silly man. wink

Quiltcover Mon 02-Sep-13 15:29:11

I think you're upset because you had do much trust in him and he has shown that he can have his head turned and behave inappropriately for a bit of a thrill. Difficult and upsetting when you have assumed he was dedicated to you and would never act so silly. Makes you question lots of things and what would come next,

meandtheboys Mon 02-Sep-13 15:43:03

Yes. That's it. Silly bloody man! I am not even upset by her to be honest. If she is single, he has very little to lose, although she is a bitch when she knows he is married with 2 children whos lives would be utterly devestated by this. It's him I am annoyed at. It's him who has deliberately gone out of his way to keep something from me. Dickhead.

meandtheboys Mon 02-Sep-13 15:43:54

Sorry, ^ she ^ has very little to lose obviously not he!

meandtheboys Mon 02-Sep-13 15:48:03

And the thing is, if he can have his head turned so easliy, do I want to spend the rest of my life checking his phone, wondering who he's chatting with on facebook? This is just not how a marriage should be. I just don't think I can forgive him this easily. However innocent he protests it was. Would it have stayed innocent??? He claims once the invitation was posted he would have told me when he received it. I don't know. I highly doubt there's a wedding. The pics of her out in the clubs dressed like a slut out for 'crazy nights' out with the girls, no mention of a fiance on there, no photos of him. If she is engaged, her fiance should be very worried! If she's single then more power to her, be as slutty as you like. But not with my husband. That said, he's the fucking idiot who was willing to piss away 12 years of our lives for a secret relationship. fuck them both to be honet.

meandtheboys Mon 02-Sep-13 15:55:45

Stupid stupid stupid man. I would have trusted him with anything. He really was my very very best friend. Can it ever be the same? I just can't see how. I don't want to spend every day like today worrying about it. Wondering if he has secretly made a note of her number. Wondering if he has messaged her on facebook. I just don't and won't live like this. I never ever thought this would be us. What a fool.

fackinell Mon 02-Sep-13 15:56:54

Meandtheboys, he has seriously got to put in the work to rebuild your trust so tell him what you need from him. No phone passwords, informing you of email and FB password plus any changes. IMO he should be a completely open book from now on.

If there is a wedding, which I seriously doubt, I would be expecting him to decline the invite. You have done nothing wrong here. HE has to do the work to earn your trust back. He is bloody lucky to have you! angry

meandtheboys Mon 02-Sep-13 16:12:30

Thank you Fackinell. That means a lot. Sometimes I sit here and look at myself and think 'hell, I'd wanna fuck her instead if I was him.' sad I know this doesn't excuse his behaviour at all though. I don't blame myself as such. He asked me to marry him. He vowed to spend the rest of his life with me and be faithful. We both chose to have children. We both chose this life. Yet he seems so easily to have put it all at risk over a pretty girl. I feel so stupid and ugly. I wonder if there are truly any nice men out there? I wonder if anyone is ever 100% trustworthy. I really thought my DH was. I really thought he was one of those rare men who could literally have someone naked dancing on his lap and he'd say 'no thanks, I'm married.' What a stupid cow I am. How naive I was. I do feel like an idiot for ever building this image of him. Now I feel like everything is so delicate and easily broken. Like it's this huge weight on my shoulders now. We've known each other since we were 14 for god's sake. Been together since we were 18. 12 years of being a couple, 7 years of marriage and 2 gorgeous son. If he gives all that up and contacts her again then there is no way of it being my fault. BUT of course, it's not really done my self esteem any good at all. I agree he needs to be an open book. But then I think, I don't want to have to read every email, every message, every text forever wondering. Anyway, thank you so much everyone who has posted and thought of me. You have shown me there are lovely people out there somewhere!

meandtheboys Mon 02-Sep-13 16:14:10

Oh and he WILL not be going to the wedding. But I doubt there will be an invite. I doubt there is a wedding or even a boyfriend to be honest. This bothers me that he's STILL lying though and there's no way of me ever finding out.

AgathaF Mon 02-Sep-13 16:19:06

I know the normal advice is not to communicate with the OW (not that she is, strictly speaking) but in this case, because I feel you really want to know the truth about it, would it be worth speaking to her? Or maybe double bluff him and tell him tonight you've spoken to her about the wedding - what does he have to say about that, then see what he responds with. TBH I hate that sort of game playing, but I would hate the not knowing if he was lying or not more.

Presumably if he has deleted her phone number and messages, and isn't in contact with her, then he won't have had opportunity to tell her not to send an invite (when did she get his address?), so will the invite still be arriving through your door any time soon?

LeoandBoosmum Mon 02-Sep-13 16:23:40

I'm sorry haven't got time to read the whole thread so don't know if any progress has been made. My suggestion would be - though he'll know you sneaked a peek at his facebook convo - is to ask him how he would feel if you met an old 'colleague' on the street, went to the effort to look them up on facebook, initiate a conversation interspersed with 'hun' and kisses, then swapped numbers so you could text each other... I don't think he'd be happy so why should you be? I would explain to him that he is a married man WITH children and should not behave this way (it's a bit lovesick teenager-ish to me). I'd ask him not to have contact with her and to be present when he tells her he doesn't think it's a good idea to 'chat' to each other. To use an analogy, it's better never to open the box of chocolates as, once open, they're much harder to say no to!

meandtheboys Mon 02-Sep-13 16:35:30

Well she knows our address anyway because her and her then partner who they worked with used to drop each other off and pick up for work etc. We still live in the same house so presumably she'll remember the address. If not, I suppose he intended to send her our addres via text or facebook. I really don't know. But I am 99% sure there will be no sodding wedding invitation! And if there is, then bloody good luck to her fella and my husband will not be attending.

She could easily send him a message on facebook asking for his address even though they're not on each other's friends lists, you can still send messages. She apparently won't have his number as he never got chance to text her when she sent the number via facebook (followed by a couple of 'xx' by the way angry ) He has promised he will be honest if she contacts him. He says he understand how him lying about it is what upset me more than him being in contact with her. My argument was that if you're just friends then there's no need to keep it quiet. He understands this so he says and said he'd be pissed too if the roles were reversed. He's saying all the right things...but then don't they all in this situation? I don't believe any of it now. No matter how much he may mean it. His words don't mean anything to me at the moment. I don't know when or if they ever will again.

I feel like a twat. I just keep thinking what would have happened if I hadn't seen those messages. If he's only stopping (if he has indeed stopped) because he was caught out vefore anything happened. The whole thing is just suspicious and inappropriate. The thing is I have always always respected him. Always been faithful. Never ever ever would have text another man (except my brother!) kisses. It's just not something I'd feel comfortable with doing, especially behind his back. Oh and the calling each other 'hun' <boak> we don't call each other hun. Who the fuck does? (sorry to any hun users haha!) but nicknames and terms of endearment are not appropriate when I have already told him she made me feel uncomfortable 4 years ago!

What he should have done is come back to me in the shop and said 'hey I just ran into xxxxxx, she's getting married and wants to invite me to the wedding. What do you think?' It would have been that simple to do the right thing. But he didn't. He thought he'd keep it quiet, then message her kisses. fucking dickhead.

meandtheboys Mon 02-Sep-13 16:39:17

Oh and Agatha, good idea but I couldn't lie and pretend I'd spoken to her. I just couldn't. I am not a good liar at all and then I'd feel like I was being sneaky too. I have the moral high ground here and I am not stooping to his levels. If anything does happen and we do split, I will not be the one in years to come to explain to our boys that I was deceitful too. I can't lie to him. I also have no relationship with this woman so it would be weird if I messaged her saying 'so I hear you're getting married!' she'd definitely tell DH who would just think I was prying. I really don't know what to do or how to find out. I suppose I could keep track of her facebook and see if her last name changes in a few months haha! <only half joking sad >

meandtheboys Mon 02-Sep-13 16:44:10

To be truthful though, even if she is getting married, it doesn't stop them from doing anything. She clearly isn't bothered that my DH is married with children. Agree with post who said he sounds a bit teenagerish! Surely a mature man would have just said 'Hello' when he saw her. Not engage in full conversation and secret messages with her, knowing how his wife feels. Facebook will be/is the death of many a marriage I think...and men who act like selfish, lying cunts.

AgathaF Mon 02-Sep-13 17:21:13

Yup, I think fb is the messenger for many a betrayal.

I hope he will have spent the day reflecting on this and be honest and straight with you tonight. You sound very no-nonsense, which is good, and presumably he knows that too. He really only has one option if he wants to keep your relationship, and that is to be open and honest.

I agree with you that he should have just said hello and then mentioned it to you. I just think so many of them seem to have poor, fragile little egos that need continually massaging. Such a bloody shame.

LeoandBoosmum Mon 02-Sep-13 17:24:13

I have just come back to the thread and read the lot. Frankly, I VERY much doubt there will be a wedding! I think your husband made that up to, at best, placate you (knowing in his heart that he doesn't intend to have an affair) or throw you off the scent (knowing in his heart he intends to try to take things further with her).
He may be innocent (sometimes people 'mirror' the language and style of the person they're corresponding with...so, the 'hun' and xx could be because that's how she addressed him, IYSWIM?
I think someone who uses the word 'hun' (no offence to those who use the term...it's just my own perception) are vacuous, shallow types. I also hate selfies and think, judging by her pouting T&A selfies, if there was a fiance on the scene she'd have it all over FB! She sounds like she'd be gushy and OTT if a wedding was on the horizon...from what I've managed to pick up about her from your messages.
I personally think he might have been thinking of embarking on an affair before you confronted him. If so, what a dick!
I really feel for you and your children and hope everything works out.

fackinell Mon 02-Sep-13 17:26:22

It's totally normal to compare yourself to someone you know your partner is attracted to. Shame some these 'pretty' girls come with the morals of an alley cat! My exes new P is very pretty and skinny but is a jealous nightmare. I'd rather have my fat arse and a few lines than her personality.

You have given him your entire adult life and two DC, what can she give him? Probably herpes to go with the fake, temporary buzz of a new relationship!! Sorry for being crass but I'm so annoyed for you. Everyone know that first sizzle never lasts. Bet she's not half as pretty first thing in the morning with a stinking hangover and no make up. It's the longtime bond that is important. That's your forever relationship.

meandtheboys Mon 02-Sep-13 18:55:29

Thank you again ladies. Yes I agree with everything that's been said. I think the wedding was definitely made up by him to make me feel less threatened but for what reasons I don't know. I definitely agree with you Fackinell with regards to the herpes and morals of an alley cat! She may well not be as slaggy as she comes accross and quite frankly, it's none of my business until she starts swishing her hair and sticking her tits out towards my DH. Still, the blame isn't on her. It's my DH who kept it secret and had his head turned by her...I mean I wouldn't blame him for looking at her and thinkin 'wow, she's a bit of alright' and then even joking with me about it. He went beyond that. He has shown massive immaturity and really just completely gone down in my opinion. Whether he intended to have an affair or not he still decided to get in contact with someone he knew I would feel uncomfortable with and pursue whatever kind of relationship with someone who in the past has had a rather toxic influence on our marriage. I personally don't think he thought if he texts fb messages her then he'll get laid but who knows? Who knows where the secrecy and lies would have lead. We are going to talk more tonight. I feel less emotional about it now. I feel less insecure and more downright disappointed in him. I will not take his bullshit. I want to know exactly what his intentions were and he needs to know that I will not take this from him.

Quiltcover Mon 02-Sep-13 19:01:17

Hi op, I can tell you're very upset and I understand why. All the insecurities pop up. On one hand it's the trust issues and the secrecy and then it's dealing with the idea that your dh is attracted to the ego stroking of another woman. It's very difficult to compete (not that you do) with a new exciting flirty woman! Particularly when the drudge of family life is repetitive.
You have said how loyal your dh had always been and your best friend. Almost to the extent that love becomes unconditional. He has slipped up and behaved foolishly. He probably had no intention of shagging her, but the attention was a thrill. If he has genuinely been a good dh and faithful, put this down to a silly mistake. Yes it will arouse suspicion for a while,but going on past behaviour this is a one off? He knows exactly how you feel about things. Sometimes it's a good opportunity to go over where boundaries are in the relationship, so you both are fully aware of each others expectations. Maybe not today, but when things have settled down so you can have a calm conversation about it. What are acceptable friendships etc? From a hypothetical point.

Fwiw, your dh should now cut all contact with this woman, not because you have asked him too, but because he should choose to out of respect. As he said, it's been years since he saw her. He should just ignore all texts, messages etc and defriend on FB. He needs to offer her no reason, as due to his behaviour, your feelings as his wife are more important. There is no benefit in there friendship whatsoever, it will just bring doubt and insecurity to you. If he had been honest and open from the start re her contact, then there would be no need.

Looksgoodingravy Mon 02-Sep-13 19:09:50

Oh I can totally relate to the way 'hun' makes you feel (and also apologies to anyone who uses it) as one of the women dp reconnected with used it frequently! It makes my teeth itch whenever I see it being used in what seems a false way.

I also agree that fb is evil in the wrong hands.

Believe me I thought dp was a good 'un, never thought he'd do what he did in a million years. The timing for his betrayal was perfect really, relationship was in a 'dip' his ego was thoroughly boosted just at the right time but he decided selfishly to take it further.

We are still together. It's been over a year since I found out and my life changed forever but it shocked dp so much that he has totally changed. Without the change we wouldn't be together. He was totally and utterly devastated by what he'd done, I'm no doormat, he was gone and I wanted him out of my life but he begged me to let him prove how sorry he was and he has.

It's been a difficult path to choose it really has and I never thought in a million years I'd ever give a cheater a second chance but I have.

If you want this to work your dh needs to know clear boundaries with regards to friends outside of the relationship. What's acceptable and that sending messages to someone who clearly made you feel uncomfortable four years ago is up there with unacceptable. As another poster mentioned transparency is now the key. Not that you want to check his phone 24/7 but that you can trust him when he tells you no more secrets, so that you could check whenever you wanted until you felt secure enough to not want to.

The book I mentioned earlier is well worth a read if you want to talk about the boundary issues.

You'll be going through an emotional roller coaster at the moment full of what ifs etc once the fog has lifted you'll feel clearer as to the way forward. It's totally natural to check her fb page. A way of making sure she cannot message your dh is to tell him to block her. Blocked people cannot message you.

fackinell Mon 02-Sep-13 19:12:58

Good for you, Meandtheboy! Please keep us posted and rant away if you wish to. thanks

Quiltcover Mon 02-Sep-13 19:19:00

Did your dh affair turn physical looksgoodingravy? I'm always perplexed how things go from what is inappropriate chatting on FB, to meeting and actually shagging. It just seems like a massive jump.
One thing enjoying your ego stroking and attention, but to meet and shag which is so blatantly wrong must be soul destroying.

Quiltcover Mon 02-Sep-13 19:23:05

It seems most men are vulnerable to having their ego massaged. What sort of women deliberately chase married men. They seem to get off on the thrill of taking a mm away from their wife. ''I'm so sexy that I can even destroy a marriage of 15 years' ...

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 02-Sep-13 19:27:31

quilt - in most cases affairs are just that, crossing several boundaries from being just friends to a full blown shagging type affair. This is why Shirley Glass's book (which I linked to earlier) comes highly rated and she explains so well what happens when people go down the slippery slope into an affair. Her book also talks a lot about how to recover and how to address boundaries/issues.

Looksgoodingravy Mon 02-Sep-13 19:30:41

Sadly yes Quilt, orally anyway!

Worst kind of hurt I've ever experienced.

And another thing, always trust your gut instincts. OP feels uneasy about this woman where normally she's not jealous or insecure. Speaks volumes really.

Quiltcover Mon 02-Sep-13 19:31:16

What if its all one way. For example, checking out FB profiles a lot etc. Chatting on FB, but nothing that is inappropriate, but not mentioning it. Is that the dh being inappropriate or the dw being insecure. Boundaries are not always clear cut.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 02-Sep-13 19:32:00

OP - you are right to say HE is the one you need to focus on, not OW.

Quiltcover Mon 02-Sep-13 19:33:05

Yes gut instinct is very reliable. But then if trust issues have developed because of a one off, could paranoia take over gut instincts.

All hypothetical, but you just never know.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 02-Sep-13 19:34:31

Surely being open and transparent is key?

Lying and secrecy about the extent of contact.

Inappropriate contact - why does he need to be FB friends with her? why does he want her phone number?

Looksgoodingravy Mon 02-Sep-13 19:34:56

Dp explained that texting allowed him to be someone else (which it can do) the 'friends' he reconnected with were from his past, I don't think he thought he was doing anything wrong in the beginning, then one thing led to another and I don't suppose he thought it would hurt anyone if they just met for a drink, after all they'd been texting for a while (while I was left holding the baby as it were).

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 02-Sep-13 19:37:57
meandtheboys Mon 02-Sep-13 19:38:06

Yuck, the thought of her deliberately chasing him BECAUSE he was married makes me feel physically queasy. Maybe it's about her ego being stroked too really. What a pathetic shallow girl she really must be. What a weak and pathetic man he must be though! Yes this is the first time he's put a foot wrong to be fair to him. Having aid that, I did tell him 4 years ago she fancied him and he never accepted that. He just said she totally doesn't. It wasn't too much of an issue at the time really because I was so busy with our new baby and I knew DH wouldn't do anything with her. I suppose nearly 5 years more of parental drudgery, me being a couple of stone heavier and having another child may have made him see it as a bit more exciting this time round. He needs to block her on facebook, good idea. I shall suggest this. He has said he wouldn't go to her wedding now. 'It wouldn't be worth it.' It wasn't really 'worth' messaging her at all then really was it H hmm ???

Looksgoodingravy, thank you for sharing your story. I admire the fact that your DH has completely changed and that you have been able to move on. I really don't know how to move on yet. I just keep thinking what could have happened. I can't babysit him for the next 5 years for fear of what may happen if someone pretty shows an interest.

Like I said, 5 years ago I completely blocked my male friend out of my life because of how things were heading and things he'd said to our other friends. It wasn't easy because he was a friend but NO friend is worth ruining my marriage and our family over. I cut him out completely, deleted his number, blocked facebook etc and always kept DH entirely in the loop. We saw this man at another friend's birthdays a while back, he was there with his now partner. I deliberately did not engage in conversation with him. I didn't even say hello actually (which may sound rude but I couldn't risk it leading to 'how are yous? what you been up to? etc) I stayed with DH and our children in the kids party room.

Sadly DH couldn't show me the same respect when it came to this woman.

Quiltcover Mon 02-Sep-13 19:40:24

looksgoodingravy ouch, meeting for a bj? Risk everything for that. Men are very silly. When things like that happen, you have to really dig deep and think whether it was a one off. Ltb is not always the right option. Life isn't that simple.

GetStuffezd Mon 02-Sep-13 19:46:06

The wedding lie alone would pass me off to be honest. I would seriously sit him down and say "I want you to tell me if the wedding invite was a lie. If you admit it we can start to work on things. If you lie to me now I won't ever be able to trust you again."

Quiltcover Mon 02-Sep-13 19:50:14

How old is she? Who is she supposed to be marrying? When is the wedding? Could she be trying to make your dh jealous?
Did it seem like your dh was lying?

Looksgoodingravy Mon 02-Sep-13 19:57:15

There was more to it Quilt, dp acted like a kid in a sweet shop.

There was a dip in the relationship, opportunity, ego massaging, he was totally selfish and self centred.

Yes men (and women) can be very silly. It's where you draw the line really and it's as if dp had forgotten that line was ever there. He gave himself permission to cross it and didn't think of the repercussions at the time because he was in this little fantasy bubble, he'd had a 'hit' and liked it. I'm sure if I'd looked at his phone at that time I could maybe have stopped him in his tracks, who knows. Instinct was telling me something but I was looking in the wrong place!

Snugglepiggy Mon 02-Sep-13 20:02:42

You are right to trusts your instincts about this woman.If Your DH re-establishing contact with her makes you so uncomfortable that's enough reason for him to stop and focus his attention back on your marriage.Its time he was completely honest with you.And I would say you have intercepted something in the early stages.
3 years on from finding out about DH secretly texting and meeting an OW - who was saying she loved him and would love to give him a BJ - I am sadly and painfully aware how these things can spiral out of control.Even in marriages that have been strong and happy.
I didn't LTB by the way.And he worked very hard to understand why he was vulnerable to flattery,and what weaknesses of his - flirty,people pleasing, unable to say no - but trust takes a long, long time to recover and deep down the hurt will always be there.I was always very relaxed about DHs other platonic friends, but this OW was something else and I still so wish I had listened to my inner voice and been clear with him about boundaries and how she made me feel from the start.

Quiltcover Mon 02-Sep-13 20:03:55

Glad things are healing though gravy. You sound like a brave woman. Your dh must know that he can never mess up like that again.
I can't imagine the pain of feeling like that. Time does help though. The 12 months after a new baby I think is the most vulnerable time in a marriage. I have seen it with the men I work with and even my own dh. Whether its porn, chatting on FB to an emotional or physical affair, I think if the opportunity arises it is much more likely to happen at this time then another.

Looksgoodingravy Mon 02-Sep-13 20:10:36

Well said Snugglepiggie!

laeiou Mon 02-Sep-13 20:15:03

Thoughts-

Why would she want to invite him to her wedding? Aren't most people trying to cut down the guest list numbers?

Why would he need to be in contract during the one night camping trip? What's so urgent it couldn't wait to be dealt with on fb the next day?

Is he in the habit of calling all female acquaintances "hun"? Awful thought!

If Your spidey sense is tingling, don't ignore it. Leaving himself logged into fb means nothing- people are often caught through daft actions according to the threads on here.

What do you want?

Looksgoodingravy Mon 02-Sep-13 20:19:56

Quilt, the pain was like that of a bereavement but worse in a way.

Yes, dp knows this is last chance saloon.

I know that I'll never be hurt like that again.

Quiltcover Mon 02-Sep-13 20:27:20

I can imagine that hurt gravy. When you love and trust someone do much and shared your life with them, the shock and hurt would be awful.
I do believe things can get better. The sadness will always be there, but marriage is very very difficult sometimes. Can bring such happiness but also so much sadness too.
You're admirable to forgive and move on. I hope I would do the same.

Snugglepiggy Mon 02-Sep-13 20:35:00

Ditto to all three points Gravy.
I have experienced every emotion they say is part of the grieving process.Shock,anger,profound sadness,numbness and sorrow so intense sometimes I felt I couldn't breath.

Looksgoodingravy Mon 02-Sep-13 20:59:14

It's not so much the sadness Quilt, it's like a broken vase that's been shattered, you can stick it back together but it will never be perfect again. It's left was I class as a scar, the wound has healed but the scar will remain as a reminder but it can be worked on and we've had some bloody good times since then, I do sometimes pause in the middle of the good times and wonder if it all really happened, how far we've come since.

Snugglepiggy, yes every emotion you describe I can totally relate to.

Sorry OP, don't want to take over your thread here.

At this present time this will be all consuming. I hope your dh shows willing to put things right tonight.

Please come back to us to let us know the outcome of your talk.

Looksgoodingravy Mon 02-Sep-13 21:00:08

Was what

Quiltcover Mon 02-Sep-13 21:09:04

Yes op. hope you're ok.

meandtheboys Mon 02-Sep-13 22:50:17

Hi Quiltcover. She is 27 so slightly younger than us. I will write more tomorrow. Had a big talk tonight and will explain all when I have slept and feel a bit stronger. Thank you all to everyone on here for your support and hand holding through this. I really am amazed at the kindness you have shown. Gravy, you are obviously a very very strong woman. I thank you for telling me how it was for you. Will update more in morning.

How are you feeling this morning OP? Hope you managed to get a decent sleep; it's impossible to deal with stuff effectively if you are tired.

meandtheboys Tue 03-Sep-13 09:55:18

Thank you for asking CakeExpectations. I am pretty OK thank you. I haven't been sleeping this past couple of nights because I've been too angry so last night I crashed at about 11pm and didn't get up til the boys woke me at 7:30.

We had a very very long talk last night. I brought it up calmly and asked him entirely what his intentions were. I believe he has answered honestly. He Bumped into her in a camping shop which he was getting a few odd bits for the trip with DS1. He says all he was thinking about was the stuff he needed and clearly wasn't thinking properly or at all about how this would affect me. He says he had absolutely no intentions of meeting up with her behind my back and certainly no intentions of ever having an affair. I did explain to him that these things are a slippery slope. What more lies would he have had to tell me and how far would it have gone? He did agree with me and say that absolutely he agrees he crossed a boundary. I explained that men very rarely go out looking to have affairs unless going out for a prostitute or something but these things happen when deceit and lies come into a marriage. When would he have told me they were in touch? How many times would they have been in touch if I hadnt have caught him out? these are the reasons why affairs start. He agreed but also said that was not his intention at all. He says he does know how important it is to be honest about everything in the future. We talked very calmly for a few hours and basically he agreed and said that he would never ever jeapordise our son's future for anyone. 'It's not just about us, we have two boys and we're their world. I am never going to blow that apart' were his words. Then he apologied for being an arsehole.

He also told me he has blocked her on facebook (I didn't ask him to do it because he brought it up and said it wasn't worth being in touch with her.) As a final act of my insecurities I will admit that I logged on to his account and checked she was in fact blocked. She was thankfully.

I also checked her page again and whilst there is no mention of a fiance or wedding, I dug a bit deeper and she is a member of a few groups like 'the wedding barn' and 'brides to be' so perhaps he wasn't lying about that. I did say if he was lying about that he needed to come clean. He swore she said she was engaged and having a wedding this year but they weren't talking for long so he has no idea when it was. I accept this and can not prove either way.

We have laid out a few rules and agreed that we need to keep the trust going because little lies can quickly escalate and once the trust is eroded there's nothing stopping the whole thing from collapsing. He agrees that we have a very good marriage and he made a big mistake in keeping things from me.

Over all, I am still hurt. I think he was maybe a bit wrapped up and excited to be taking his son camping for the first time and perhaps this added to his lack of judgement. He has sworn to me that he never text her number because he was camping with DS and the reason he took her number is so he could talk when he got back. I still hate that he did that and that he intended to text her. When would this have actually come out in the open? Who knows? I feel hurt that he showed such a massive lack of respect for us but I do feel better knowing we have opened up those lines of communication should anything like this crop up again. He's said that being her friend is not worth hurting me and he will let me know should anyone message him again. I did say that I dodn't want to be some paranoid nagging wife. This isn't about showing me every message, this is about her and the fact that he KNEW this particular woman made me feel uncomfortable. I am not normally insecure or jealous but my gut feeling about this girl is screaming that she's up to no good. I've never had this feeling from anyone else and I trust that feeling because it is so obvious to me that she's a shameless flirt who doesn't care whether DH is married or not. Her pictures on facebook of her pouting, sticking her ass out in mirrors talking pics of herself makes me think she's obviously thinking she's all that and can have whoever she wants. She is just not someone I feel comfortable with DH being in contact with behind my back! He understands that now.

I have told him that I will not be hurt like this again. He needs to think extremely hard before he allows people into our lives, especially when he knew how much I disliked this woman 4 years ago and how much she flirted with him even in front of me but then avoided eye contact with me. It really was sickening especially since I knew she was going out with DH's other friend at the time! Maybe she just flirts with ALL men, I don't know and I don't really care. She is no good for us and he gets that now.

Things are far from being back to normal. I will not forget this but I am prepared to work at this if he stays within the boundaries. He has agreed to read the 'Just Friends' book recommended on here because he agrees he didn't realise quite how much of a slippery slope it was until I stated it all calmly. All he was thinking was 'I NEVER SHAGGED ANYONE!' but now he knows how much of a betrayal it was and where my concerns were coming from.

I can not thank you all enough for your advice and support. I know I've ranted and raved and probably repeated myself a million times but I needed to know I wasn't being unreasonable and I genuinely didn't know what to do. Thank you to everyone who has offered their support and shared their stories. I am hopeful that this is an end to it and we will get back on track. I thank you all for that.

AgathaF Tue 03-Sep-13 10:12:45

That's a really positive update. I really hope that is an end to it for you both. It seems that he has done the right things.

x

Quiltcover Tue 03-Sep-13 10:33:43

Ah good to hear op. I think you managed this very well. Your feelings are genuine, it was never about jealousy but about trust and having your dh make you feel secure and safe.
Many dh are very good people. But we all slip up sometimes. When the marriage is very happy, these slips can be very unsettling and hurtful. You realise something you thought was very secure can have bumps to. It puts you a little more on your guard. When I read done if the threads on here, I am very shocked at how awful some men behave and how some women are resigned to it.
However, not every slip up would have resulted in a shag. Yes it can happen and does, but I do think that some men recognise this complete betrayal.
Men think things are black and white. They forget that there is def a grey area, which whilst isn't necessarily a deal breaker, it can cause great upset and hurt which is not easy to get over. You wonder why he felt the need to go looking at other women even if the intention wasn't to shag them, just seek a thrill.
Hope all works our op, time will allow this to settle down and allow your dh to make this up to you. He now needs to prove you are his number 1.

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 03-Sep-13 11:09:29

Positive update OP - sounds like he is now clear about what is appropriate and where his boundaries should be smile

Chibbs Tue 03-Sep-13 11:25:41

glad you seem to be able to work it out.

Looksgoodingravy Tue 03-Sep-13 11:41:09

It's good to see that your dh listened to you and admitted to being an arsehole, also good that he made the choice to block her before you suggested it.

It seems he knows he messed up this time, reading the suggested book will also let him see just how easily things can escalate.

So pleased for you OP, this is a real positive outcome and I know you're still hurt but give it time, be kind to yourself over the next few weeks.

Take care x

fackinell Tue 03-Sep-13 11:58:00

Good news OP smile

You sound much more positive today. Sounds like a good wake up call to your DH too, thanks

Thank you for the update. So far, so good. Long may it continue! smile

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