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just had fab date, but.... he clearly wanted to come back to my place...

(231 Posts)
theendishere Sat 31-Aug-13 01:40:39

that's it really! surely most guys would realise that's not an option on a first date?!

AnyFucker Sat 31-Aug-13 01:42:02

why ?

Am not saying you should have, but lots of people do

Was he pushy in any way ?

Of course it's an option. Just not one you chose to take. "Clearly" wanted to? Pushy or enthusiastic?

Great minds, AF

MrsMongoose Sat 31-Aug-13 01:45:04

As long as he wasn't rude or aggressive in his enthusiasm, I don't really think its a problem. It's not an option for you, but it is for plenty, and there is no right or wrong here.

If you like him, see him again. If you have been put off, don't bother.

AnyFucker Sat 31-Aug-13 01:45:08

smile

FrancescaBell Sat 31-Aug-13 01:45:57

No, not getting this.

Did you want sex with him?

theendishere Sat 31-Aug-13 01:50:03

Just worried about a total stranger coming back to mine. Best date in ages but worried I've "warned" him off now sad

theendishere Sat 31-Aug-13 01:51:28

no, not pushy just keen to come back....

WafflyVersatile Sat 31-Aug-13 01:54:29

Well if he wants to see you again then he will call. If he doesn't want to see you again then whether you let him come back or not won't have made a difference and if he did want to see you again but changed his mind on the basis of you saying no then you are better off without him.

FrancescaBell Sat 31-Aug-13 01:55:07

Oh that's different then. Is this Online Dating?

Very sensible to be cautious.

I doubt you've warned him off. If he's warned off by not having sex then he's not worth bothering about, is he?

This is great. He was keen but you decided not tonight. You have a fantastic Twatometer right there. Still keen and respects your decision = possible keeper.

AnyFucker Sat 31-Aug-13 02:00:34

You haven't done anything wrong

If he is warned off as you put it, then he is a twat anyway

Win/win innit

Same as if you had slept with him after all

It's not sleeping/not sleeping with someone on the first date that sorts the twats from the non twats

Unless you have been reading that load of shit called The Rules ?

theendishere Sat 31-Aug-13 02:04:25

Thanks ladies smile Just a bit freaked out by it. It was a great date, really liked him, but bit put off by his keenness to come back on a first date. I've told him i'm free the next couple f eves so I guess I have to wait to see what happens now....
Typical I finally find someone I like, and this happens sad

It's GOOD though. As AF said. If you value yourself, you have got yourself into the perfect situation. If he acts like a twunt, you have lost nothing.

theendishere Sat 31-Aug-13 02:23:41

Thanks, just a bit sad that this the first guy out fo the 11 I've met so far online that I really liked, and it's gone all like this sad

maristella Sat 31-Aug-13 02:29:37

How much worse would it be I'd this guy you like us physically not keen?? As long as he's respectful of boundaries, this is good, right??

theendishere Sat 31-Aug-13 02:32:54

sorry maristella - don't quite understand your post?

PoppyWearer Sat 31-Aug-13 03:42:33

I don't get why you're upset - he's keen! He finds you attractive! That's good!

And as others have said, if he is still keen after you said no....that's good too!

I have been married for over ten years to DH who knelt on the pavement and begged to come back to mine after our first date. Somewhat jokingly and drunkenly as I'd known him a while. (I said no, FWIW, but here we are, 14 years later!)

I went home with my date on the first night ten years ago smile

What exactly happened? Was he unpleasant when you said no? Did he throw his toys? Because that makes him not a nice man. Or are you simply offended by the fact that he wanted to come back? Because that's silly.

Lavenderhoney Sat 31-Aug-13 05:09:25

If he likes you he will call you, makes no difference whether he slept with you or not IMO.

If he is just hanging round for a shag, or not that into you, then once its done (or not) he will push off anyway, first date or 20th date.

If you shoved him away saying " god no, you could be a deranged serial killer " then chances are he might think you aren't that keen or he might bring his mum to vouch for him next timesmile

If you said " I've had a great time but I don't want to rush into sex on the first date" you sound reasonable to me.

I expect he was chancing it, and I suppose its nice to be askedsmile

Buzzardbird Sat 31-Aug-13 06:04:54

I believe maristella was saying "how would you have felt if you liked him and he didn't fancy you?". Iow its good that he was keen.

Cabrinha Sat 31-Aug-13 07:56:22

Like the others, not seeing the problem with his behaviour here.
Slight problem with yours though... sorry, not meaning to be harsh. You think you messed up because you chose not to have sex with a stranger? You need to value yourself more. Well done for sticking to the decision, next step is not questioning yourself after that decision smile

CoffeeandScones Sat 31-Aug-13 08:01:00

Cabrinha maybe not a problem with the OP's behaviour, just that she shouldn't feel she's made a mistake (or should necessarily feel put off by) what happened?

Walkacrossthesand Sat 31-Aug-13 08:07:31

BTW OP, how old are you? If this is 'your second time around' re dating, and many years since the first, the culture has massively changed. Unlike when i were a girl, having sex with someone you've just met is now commonplace - the only important thing seems to be to be safe from STI. The fact that you can't be safe from attack from someone you met 2 hours ago, doesn't seem to figure confused

Trigglesx Sat 31-Aug-13 08:19:47

You seem disappointed, like perhaps he was over-keen?? Was it something in particular he said or did that concerned you?

Numberlock Sat 31-Aug-13 08:27:36

We need more info about he went about asking to go back, was he pushy, nasty etc, did you part on good terms.

Bitrustyandbusty Sat 31-Aug-13 08:31:57

DH of ten years came back to mine after the first date, lots of talking and kissing. Then he slept in my spare room :D

The second date was a different matter... wink

If he was keen, that's good. Pushy, however, would be a different matter!

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sat 31-Aug-13 08:57:23

Not seeing the issue.

DH and I woke up together the morning after our first date. Nine years later we're still here!

Tuppenceinred Sat 31-Aug-13 09:14:39

Fair enough that taking a date home worked for some of you on the first date, but honestly, on-line dating and personal safety anyone? There's nothing wrong with Op being cautious about this and as others say, if he's genuinely interested and a nice bloke, it won't put him off.

WaitingForMe Sat 31-Aug-13 09:21:05

I met a guy online, took him back to my place and we had a lovely fling (all I was offering).

I met a friend of a friend, he walked me home then when I turned down his advances turned on me. Luckily, I know a little self-defence and took him by surprise when I hit him that I was able to lock my door before he reacted.

The Internet isn't full of weirdos and guys your friends vouch for safe.

MexicanHat Sat 31-Aug-13 09:26:55

I agree with Tuppern

It was OPs first date. She doesn't know him at all!! Wasn't there someone recently on MN who invited her date in and got raped?

theendishere Sat 31-Aug-13 09:50:34

I'm in my early 40's and yes starting over after divorce.

He wasn't nasty at all ( he said he was hungry! - he'd not had time to eat before meeting me - i'd eaten and he didn't want to eat alone in the pub and had 40 mins drive back home). I said i'd had a great evening, would haplily see him again but didn't feel ready to invite someone i'd just met back to my home. He seemed a bit evasive about meeting again, although mentioned a couple of days - guess I just have to wait to see if I hear from him now...

Boomba Sat 31-Aug-13 10:04:21

Hmmm...that does sound suspect to me actually

theendishere Sat 31-Aug-13 10:06:58

The whole thing Boomba, or the "being hungry!)

Leverette Sat 31-Aug-13 10:10:42

He sounds like a chancer but the key thing is why are you feeling guilty?

It's like you want to please him and are feeling bad because you didn't.

Boomba Sat 31-Aug-13 10:14:07

Being hungry as an excuse to come back to yours, after "not wanting to eat alone' in the pub...

was he a bit slimy?

theendishere Sat 31-Aug-13 10:16:46

No, not slimey at all. He seemed like a really nice guy, chatty, down to earth, interested in me, etc - the nicest guy (and most fanciable ) i'd met online (and there have been a lot!) just a shame how it ended sad I was really hopeful about this one

AnyFucker Sat 31-Aug-13 10:19:51

I wouldn't have wanted to be the only one eating on a first date either

I don't understand why you are so disappointed at how it "ended" though

it hasn't "ended" has it, unless he doesn't contact you again in which case, next!

Boomba Sat 31-Aug-13 10:20:17

I don't understand why you think it ended badly

theendishere Sat 31-Aug-13 10:21:46

I'd be the same AF - ie not wanting to be the only one eating on a first date. I suppose i'm just disappointed that I said i'd e happy to meet again and suggested a couple of evenings but he seemed a bit evasive about making firm plans

He claimed to want to go back to yours for food? Like, grab a takeaway and then eat it at your place? Or go back to yours so you could make him something?
Either way that strikes me as odd.

Trigglesx Sat 31-Aug-13 10:23:18

Didn't want to eat alone at the pub? Is that where you'd been? He could've ordered some nibbles without looking like he was the only one eating. If he meant "eating alone at the pub" about the two of you, how does that add up if he's eating at yours afterwards and you're not? confused I'd have to agree, combining that with "evasive" about getting together again, does seem a bit overly keen.

theendishere Sat 31-Aug-13 10:23:49

I meant the date didn't end in the best way. Other guys who've been keen, have just texted afterwards to say they had a good evening and suggested meeting again. This one just seemed to want to be invited back (for food!)

AnyFucker Sat 31-Aug-13 10:26:13

Only you (and he) were there, love

and it doesn't matter what we say, really

if something doesn't sit right with you, then so be it

we have instincts for a reason

theendishere Sat 31-Aug-13 10:29:50

You're right AF. Guess as I'm still quite new to online dating I jut wanted some input form others about how it seemed. I might be being over cautious, but I'd have thought most guys would be respectful of that.

Its just a shame because it was the best date I'd had in ages, really fancied him but now I feel unsure.

I guess I should leave it now to see if he contacts me, or is it ok to text him?

AnyFucker Sat 31-Aug-13 10:31:20

I am a very old smug married so my advice may not be useful

I think one quick text acknowledging that you had a good time is ok. Then no more.

AnyFucker Sat 31-Aug-13 10:32:38

Perhaps he is having an attack of the guilts that he came on too strong and a quick text opens the door for him to reply and suggest another date.

If you get radio silence though, stop.

text if you want to. your peace of mind is all that matters - not some imaginary game that you can get wrong or right.

if texting him and saying something will make you feel better then do it. do it for your mind rather than to be attached to a desired outcome iyswim.

mind you 40 miles is a long way to drive. was it that you were ready to go home so wouldn't stay with him whilst he had something to eat and then he said well can i come back with you? and how long was the date - as in how long did you spend with him and who called time on it?

theendishere Sat 31-Aug-13 10:38:49

Think I'll i'll text in a while just to say I had a good evening, and make make a joke of saying hope he's eaten now or something! Then I guess it's down to him to suggested meeting again

AnyFucker Sat 31-Aug-13 10:41:01

Good plan

theendishere Sat 31-Aug-13 10:41:34

It wasn't quite 40 miles, we were in the pub til it closed! I did ask a couple of times if he wanted to go somewhere for food but he said he's feel silly if I wasn't eating too. He text when he got home to say it ended up taking 1.5 hours to get home as a couple of roads were closed..

ImpulsePineapple Sat 31-Aug-13 10:47:18

Did he want you to make him food at yours? Did you have to tell him no more than once?

Sounds dodgy to me.

theendishere Sat 31-Aug-13 10:50:05

I'd told him I had some leftover pizza! we were on the phone for about 20 mins, he wasn't nasty at all but just said it was a shame the eve had to end there.

Boomba Sat 31-Aug-13 10:55:36

If someone isn't comfortable eating alone on a first day, surely they would be MORE uncomfortable going back and being the only one eating at their dates house?!

theendishere Sat 31-Aug-13 10:57:35

I can understand not wanting to be the only one eating in a restaurant/pub. Guess a quick snack at someone's house is more relaxed and if if known him for a while it would have been fine. Just cautious about inviting someone into my home who I've only know for a few hours

newforest Sat 31-Aug-13 10:58:56

If he likes you he will contact you. Just because it's more commonplace these days, you shouldn't feel like you should sleep with someone on the first date. I'm a bit younger than you, and I would never sleep with someone I'm not in a relationship with. I'm not religious at all and I'm certainly not a prude but TO ME, it just feels wrong. I want to know the man has feelings for me and respects me before going down that road. This is probably why I've only slept with one man, and luckily we're still together seven years later.

Don't feel bad. You did what you thought was the right thing to do. You don't yet know this man well and anything could gave happened to you. Well done for being sensible. God, I sound like an old lady!

Chubfuddler Sat 31-Aug-13 10:59:16

He's probably mortified that he came on a bit strong for you and now doesn't want to make it worse. Think about it - if you had in so many words propositioned him at the end of the date and he had knocked you bd k, you'd assume he wasn't as keen on you as you were on him, wouldn't you?

They doesn't mean you were wrong to refuse him, you were absolutely right to if you weren't comfortable. But it does mean he probably thinks you don't want to see him.

Send him a text. Can't do any harm.

Boomba Sat 31-Aug-13 11:03:10

IM the opposite end of the spectrum to AF. I am very happily and contentedly single. I have little patience for the intricacies of dating. Id have sacked him off, for not fecking eating in the pub if he was bloody hungry! Numpty!
grin

(unhelpful tangent, sorry)

theendishere Sat 31-Aug-13 11:05:11

Text sent! Just said it was shame his journey was so bad, hope he's eaten now! and that I enjoyed his company - so i'll leave it now and see what he says....

ridiculoussingle Sat 31-Aug-13 11:13:53

All of the boyfriends I've had (through online dating) have actually LIKED the fact I didn't sleep with them on the first date. smile

AnyFucker Sat 31-Aug-13 11:19:52

Boomba I fancy it is just as well I am a smug married grin

theendishere Sat 31-Aug-13 11:23:05

he's replied and said he'd he like to meet again - go for a meal and "give me a longer massage" He briefly rubbed my shoulders as he walked to the cab! BUT he's not suggested any dates and he said he was free tonight and tomorrow night and knows I am. therefore it would be at least 2 weeks away because my son's with me next weekend. D I suggest a day or just say i'll look forward to it

AnyFucker Sat 31-Aug-13 11:24:38

I wouldn't have expected him to come 40 miles again in the next day or two, tbh

A longer massage ? hmm

theendishere Sat 31-Aug-13 11:28:44

It's probably about 30 miles, but yes, I guess I just have to leave it now and see what happens...

Numberlock Sat 31-Aug-13 11:29:36

Ha ha Boomba, I'm the same as you.

Marital status = happily divorced, thankfully single. smile

theendishere Sat 31-Aug-13 11:29:49

just logged onto the dating site - he's online...

AnyFucker Sat 31-Aug-13 11:32:26

as are you...

theendishere Sat 31-Aug-13 11:34:55

That's true - just a quick look!

AnyFucker Sat 31-Aug-13 11:37:47

Hmm smile

FrancescaBell Sat 31-Aug-13 11:49:07

The more you post, the more it looks like this fella is looking for sex partners, not relationships. Which is fine as long as he's honest about that.

If you're looking for an exclusive relationship though and won't have sex with someone until a relationship is on that footing, you're probably not going to be on the same page as this one.

bestsonever Sat 31-Aug-13 11:53:21

He could be looking for a soul-mate, but quite happy to shag lots of women who are not during his quest. Lots of that type in OD

MaureenDaly Sat 31-Aug-13 11:56:21

I'm a bit confused.
I'm reading that he didn't 'have time' to eat before your date. Surely he knew what time you were meeting? Did I miss something there? He could have got a petro station sandwich as he drove to meet you..
I'd be put off by a stranger wanting to come back to my place to eat, even if he was genuinely hungry and wasn't thinking he'd automatically get sex.
I think the 'longer massage' is his way of saying he expects you two to be together in private at some point on the next date. If it happens. Only you can decide if you're comfortable with that. I wouldn't be.
Could be he's just after a fun, casual fling. Not a problem if you are too.

I don't think you've messed things up by not wanting him back at your place so soon. Don't ever feel pressured in that way. I know how hard it is getting back into dating after a long break from it. I made some very silly mistakes when I was newly single after a 20 year marriage and felt clueless as to how to date nowadays.
As I said, I think he's probably just wanting something casual and if that is the case he's likely to think you're too much 'hard work' what with the 'long' drive and wanting to go a bit slower than him.

Boomba Sat 31-Aug-13 11:56:41

Are you sure he wasn't slimy???

MaureenDaly Sat 31-Aug-13 11:57:25

cross posted with FrancescaBell - she expressed it much better than I did, but that's what I was trying to say.

BreasticlesNTesticles Sat 31-Aug-13 11:59:19

Massage comment would put me off - he is setting out his stall so to speak.

If you want to be intimate that's no problem, but I think its clear that is what he is looking for quickly.

do you know - it's exhausting just reading about it!!!!

no wonder i don't find myself actually doing it much grin

and in the nicest possible way - fuck off smug married people! grin i see a lot of miserable marriages but those who have happy, simple, get on well and add to each others lives and get good sex on tap when they want it - well you're the one's who can fuck off with your smugness grin

i think it's the good sex on tap when you want it without high drama on the seven seas bit that really pisses me off wink

sex = good clean fun. sex and dating = fucked up drama weirdness (whether you have it or not it seems)

Numberlock Sat 31-Aug-13 12:04:07

Use OD to work for you.

Chat to a few men at the same time.

Meet a few for drinks/coffee until you meet one you'd like to date.

This will stop you over-analysing every text, comment etc.

As for this one, let him do the work. No harm in meeting again to see if your instincts are right.

Play a little hard to get.

see that sounds great but whenever i've looked at online dating i'd struggle to find one bloke i could see myself meeting for a coffee let alone a few.

That massage comment is a bit misjudged. He's trying to skip to a physical intimacy that you don't have yet and I wouldn't like that myself.

i just went to POF and did a within 35miles search and within one page of results was put off of dating for another few months.

is it where i live? are there actually places where decent, attractive men advertise their singleness online?

Boomba Sat 31-Aug-13 12:24:16

Based on what swallowed?

the whole package i guess - what they look like, what they choose to say about themselves, the attitudes that leak through. maybe i am way too picky but i just don't see anyone who appeals.

Numberlock Sat 31-Aug-13 12:28:40

Couldn't agree with you more which is why I can't imagine ever doing online dating again.

AnyFucker Sat 31-Aug-13 12:29:59

Aww, SAF don't diss the SM's ! grin

I was sending myself up, tbh, so OP can safely ignore my advice if she so wishes. I may be married but I hope I am not smug. I know nothing about dating in this day and age but I do know a dickhead when I see one wink

AnyFucker Sat 31-Aug-13 12:31:25

I would find it very hard to restrain myself from messaging all the pricks to say ""who the fuck do you think you are" tbh. Best I stay married.

meh or stay single if you don't.

seriously though if the sex is good, he can cook you a half decent dinner and makes you laugh and life is cheaper and happier i'd stay put if i were you grin

it's slim pickings out here!

Leverette Sat 31-Aug-13 12:35:19

theend - this guy is clearly angling for a shag.

Boomba Sat 31-Aug-13 12:36:54

Now i want to join so i can see what you are talking about! Are they mostly arrogant? Its hard writing a personal statement though huh, even for work purposes!

tbf OP maybe you want a shag too. maybe that's why you were so gutted 'it ended the way it did' last night because actually a shag would've been just the ticket.

if you don't want to shag him that is FINE. if you do and you're not doing so out of some sense that it has to be x, y and z and if it isn't then what does that make you and blah blah blah then just shag him!

not everyone is the prince but someone has to be the first 'back in the game' guy.

sorry if this is way too blunt/sluttish/whatever for your thinking smile

you don't have to join boomba - i'm not joined - i just did a search to see who was there in my area. i dont' have a profile or anything.

Val007 Sat 31-Aug-13 14:24:22

1. Figure out exactly what you want.

2. Text him one last time to say exactly what you want.

3. If he is into you, he will do all the legwork. If not, he will free you from his presense to open up the space to a man who is on your wavelength.

Simples wink

theendishere Sat 31-Aug-13 14:57:57

thanks for all your responses. I'm clear in my head what I want and it's not having an almost total stranger in my home a few hours after meeting. I've said I'd like to go out again and he said he would too and will let me know when he can make it. So guess we're both clear!

FrancescaBell Sat 31-Aug-13 15:07:51

Good for you.

It's great that you've got firm boundaries and are clear about what you want.

ALittleStranger Sat 31-Aug-13 15:10:24

So guess we're both clear!

I've found this thread oddly confusing - but do you honestly think this??

Lweji Sat 31-Aug-13 15:13:34

Firstly, I do think the food thing was just an excuse. And I wouldn't have let a complete stranger into my home either.

Secondly, I would take his "will let you know" as to mean that he's just not that into you.

theendishere Sat 31-Aug-13 15:23:40

Yep, LwejiI think you're right(ie not that into me) also think maybe as he's only joined the site very recently he probably wants to see other people too.
Not sure what's confusing Stranger - yes! I'm honestly clear on what I want!

ALittleStranger Sat 31-Aug-13 15:26:19

I was refering to the fact that you can't possibly be clear on what he wants, although I suspect Lewji is right.

Numberlock Sat 31-Aug-13 15:28:07

You're over-thinking it! You only spent a couple of hours together yet you've spent most of the following day analysing it.

Relax and enjoy meeting new people. If something comes of it (dating) then great. If not, then make sure you've got lots of other stuff going on in your life.

practicality Sat 31-Aug-13 15:40:38

He sounds a bit of a tacky sleezeball.

Best avoided.

Mumsyblouse Sat 31-Aug-13 15:49:44

He's clear he wants a massage (and more) on the next date. If you are up for that, go along, if not, I really wouldn't bother.

theendishere Sat 31-Aug-13 15:51:37

Yep, Mumsy think you're right, and I won't be bothering!

littlebunnyfriend Sat 31-Aug-13 16:04:25

Ew, the over-eager thing is one thing but the massage comment... ewwww.

Just take a compliment from it that he thought you were hot and then move on to someone who is not a slimeball.

daphnesglasses Sat 31-Aug-13 16:33:27

he sounds like a right cheeky bugger with the food request shock
you're not running KFC!!

definitely keep looking I say wink

daphnesglasses Sat 31-Aug-13 16:34:45

oh yes and 'massage' = just wanting a shag

arsenaltilidie Sat 31-Aug-13 16:50:25

This guy just wants a shag.
He is not looking for a GF.

theendishere Sat 31-Aug-13 19:47:37

Yep, sure you're right arsenal. So glad I didn't invite him back "for food"!

SirRaymondClench Sat 31-Aug-13 20:47:37

Have you heard from him since the massage text?

theendishere Sat 31-Aug-13 20:56:29

Not heard any more. To be fair, the massage subject came up because he very briefly rubbed by shoulders and I said he must be good at massage!

MaureenDaly Sat 31-Aug-13 21:00:24

theend the reason he brought the massage up was to let you know what his expectations were for the next date.Which is the actions of a sleaze. If he was in it for more than a shag he'd have said something more open ended about a longer massage, not 'next time'. I also think it was relevant that he mentioned it taking 1.5 hours to get home.
If you don't want just a bit of casual fun, you're well rid of this one.

theendishere Sat 31-Aug-13 21:04:46

maybe. however re his journey, I check the traffic news and 2 roads were closed on his route home, so he was being genuine about that.

I guess it comes down to the fact it seems he fancied me enough to spend an evening with me, invite himself back, but not enough to commit to a second date.

MaureenDaly Sat 31-Aug-13 21:08:25

I wasn't implying that he wasn't honest about his journey time.

And yes, he fancied you enough to want to sleep with you, but it really does seem that he wanted sex and nothing more. He didn't get the sex so he's likely to move on. Or contact you out of the blue in a week or so.
This really isn't that unusual with OLD. But there are plenty of men out there who aren't like him.

theendishere Sat 31-Aug-13 21:12:21

Just a bit sad he was the first one out of quitea number that I actually got on well with and fancied too

MissStrawberry Sat 31-Aug-13 21:17:52

He was moaning about journey I think as in if you had let him in he wouldn't have had to drive for so long and I really don't think you are at the stage of flirting being sleazy

I also think you got yourself in a state for no good reason. It didn't end badly. It reads like you thought you had done something wrong.

If you want to wait to have sex, WAIT. Nothing wrong with that at all.

theendishere Sat 31-Aug-13 21:21:23

No don't feel I did anything wrong - if anyone did he did!

Lazyjaney Sat 31-Aug-13 21:55:48

Jeez, talk about overthinking things on near zero information!

Chill OP, take things as they come, and ignore the MN chorus on here that sees ill in every man. This sounded like a perfectly ordinary first date, where signals arent perfectly understood.

theendishere Sat 31-Aug-13 22:12:33

I have to say it based on the first dates I've been on in the last few months (there've been a lot!), this wasn't ordinary. None of the other guys I've been out with have expected or been invited back to my place!

arsenaltilidie Sat 31-Aug-13 22:22:18

This guy wanted a shag that is all.
Thee This guy is at a stage in life where he is just shagging around and that is what he will do and no woman will change him until he feels he is at that stage.
This has no reflection on you at all.
He saw you won't sleep with him easily and backed out.

Many women (of course some men PC) get hurt or tolerate a lot of crap trying to change a man (or woman) who is simply not looking for a relationship.

theendishere Sat 31-Aug-13 22:58:20

I think I probably had a lucky escape...

MsVestibule Sat 31-Aug-13 23:28:23

Oh God, theend, I'm feeling your pain! I really, really wish I was the type of person who doesn't over analyse everything, but unfortunately I'm not.

He is definitely after a shag. Not saying he doesn't want a relationship but he definitely wants a shag now. If that's what you want, then fine, go for it. But if you want to start building a relationship before you do that, then I don't think there's any point in taking this further.

I met my DH on an online dating site. Although it was far from love at first sight, it developed at the speed we were both comfortable with, which is exactly how it should be.

theendishere Sat 31-Aug-13 23:33:06

I almost feel like giving up with online dating don't see how i'll meet anyone otherwise. I've met 12 guys now since the beginning of the year. I've been attracted to only 2. The majority have wanted to see me again, but couldn't see the point as I felt no attraction.
I met a guy in the pub (sort of friend of a friend thing) last month. He invited me for dinner and if i'd fancied him he would have been great - got on fantastically, gentlemanly, kind, etc

MaureenDaly Sat 31-Aug-13 23:45:01

OP, I may get a bit of grief for this, but I'll say it anyway. If a guy isn't repulsive, and he treats you nicely on the first date, perhaps it's worth giving it a little longer to see what happens regarding attraction?

I'm saying this because several years ago I was chatted up for about two months by a guy I knew through work. He wasn't my type at all, I didn't feel any physical attraction, just thought he was ok looking but that was it. Anyway, I went out with him a couple of times, still thought he was ok but nothing special looking, then the second date he kissed me properly and it literally felt like the earth moved. shock
We ended up having quite a long relationship and the chemistry was the best ever. In fact the reason it ended was because it turned out that all we had was this amazing physical attraction!
I was 42 when it started, previously I'd always written guys off if I didnt feel an immediate attraction to them. Now I'm getting a bit older it does seem that attraction can build from out of nowhere.
Just saying, may be worth a try for you too.

Also - sorry for the essay - dont give up on OLD. Maybe take a break if you need it but I know two couples who both met via OLD and both are blissfully happy now.
Have you joined the dating thread here? I lurked there for a while several months ago. They're a nice supportive bunch and have plenty of OLD experience between them.

MsVestibule Sat 31-Aug-13 23:46:26

I went out on about 5 dates before I met DH. I was attracted to the first one, but it was fairly clear he was only after sex, which isn't what I was looking for. The next few were very nice, but I couldn't imagine snogging them, never mind anything else!

With DH, I was fairly ambivalent about him to start with but after a few dates, it improved. If you're feeling disillusioned, maybe give it a break for a few weeks/months? Meeting somebody new is really difficult using 'traditional' methods, e.g. pubs, work etc but I still think it's worth persevering with OD. But I do realise I'm biased!

Lazyjaney Sun 01-Sep-13 07:09:48

I have to say it based on the first dates I've been on in the last few months (there've been a lot!), this wasn't ordinary

The only out of the ordinary thing here is that you fancied him for a change.

Over the thread you've moved from almost regretting your actions to deciding you had a lucky escape (from something you'd probably do on a 2nd date anyway?), based on a few interactions with a stranger.

You are way over thinking this. You liked him, he wants a physical relationship from the get go (show me a man that doesn't) - if you are interested text him and say so, if not let it be.

mrspaddy Sun 01-Sep-13 07:31:23

I totally see your point OP, I wouldn't go home with someone after one date..unless you want to run the risk of a one night stand.

Not against whatever 'couples' do but if it is not for you, it is not for you. He was chancing his arm... I don't think he is a bad bloke.. most of them will chance it.

I wouldn't think anymore of it. You will sift through them easier if you wait for the one willing to wait too.

Jaynebxl Sun 01-Sep-13 07:45:48

MaureenDaly I agree.

And if you do really like this guy but want to take things slower you could always arrange to meet him for lunch when you have another appointment after or something, so you can see how it goes with him.

Seaweedy Sun 01-Sep-13 07:54:23

Jeez, MrsPaddy, surely what's at issue here is that the OP inviting a guy home on a first date isn't 'risking a one night stand' but risking sexual assault or any other potential danger involved in having a virtual stranger in your house????

mrspaddy Sun 01-Sep-13 08:16:17

I totally agree.. I know the dangers.. but there are a lot of dangers in one night stands that aren't as extreme as sexual assault too.

Sorry - I don't really have much of an opinion of other people's sex life - but think what OP is getting at is surely she should build up a relationship with a man before he expects sex straight off from the word go.. no dates, no emotional commitment.

theendishere Sun 01-Sep-13 09:23:23

Thanks again for all the responses.

I don't know, maybe I am writing guys off too quickly because there's no initial attraction.

The pub guy was very nice but couldn't see myself being attracted to him.

The guy I went on the date with sent a text around 2am this morning saying he was looling forward to seeing me again and wishing me luck visiting my ill mother today. I reckon he didn't want to commit to further dates because he was out on one last night! Not entirely surprising as h's only just joined the site.

Helltotheno Sun 01-Sep-13 09:28:28

The guy just wanted a shag OP, not necessarily with you but with anyone. He may or may not contact you again depending on how it's looking with other potential shags. All the talk about food and massages is just a front.

If you want a relationship, he's not the one. So if you go on a second date, you'll just spend it batting him off and arguably there are better ways to spend time, like plucking out nose hairs.

Consider giving the other guys more of a chance, ie the ones who are gentlemanly and nice but don't have the obvious looks and charm. The guy you went on the date with just sounds textbook predictable to me. ..

theendishere Sun 01-Sep-13 09:34:08

He initially suggested going for dinner when we arranged the first date but as so many dates I've wanted to cut short after an hour or so, I never like dinner on a first date.
We actually bumped into the pub guy when were were out, was a bit awkward, but he (pub guy ) was very gracious about it.

Helltotheno Sun 01-Sep-13 09:37:10

Pub guy sounds like a better bet. ..

theendishere Sun 01-Sep-13 09:41:57

I'm pretty sure he'd treat me well but he's also an eternal bachelor! He's 50, never been married and no kids! Not sure that matters though - fewer complications

Helltotheno Sun 01-Sep-13 09:44:01

Oh dear. He may be looking for a mummy replacement. Anyway it's up to u but forget the player.

theendishere Sun 01-Sep-13 10:07:39

A mummy replacement??

Writerwannabe83 Sun 01-Sep-13 10:11:33

I met my now husband through Plenty of Fish. He was the 3rd guy I dated from the site and it really was 3rd time lucky. Ironically, I initially didn't fancy him at all, I couldn't put my finger on it but I just didn't feel that spark and was actually going to end it after the 2nd date. However, my best friend told me to just give him one more chance and so I did. I have no idea what happened but something did because we were inseparable from them on and we moved in together 4 months later.

I think we slept together on the 7th time of meeting although dates 4, 5 and 6 had all ended up with us being at his house and just chilling out together. He never made me feel pressured to have sex at all and I never had to spend days analysing his texts or behaviours.

My advice is that if it is causing you this much angst after just one date I'd move on. I'm. A huge believer in instincts and if something just doesn't sit right with you then there is a probably a valid reason behind it!

Numberlock Sun 01-Sep-13 10:21:14

50 never married and no kids? Weren't the alarm bells ringing before you even met???

theendishere Sun 01-Sep-13 10:28:58

The 50 yo is the nice pub guy

hey - i'm 37 and never married - i have a child but that's because i'm a woman and i can do that without getting married/making someone want to carry my child.

let's not be too harsh. when i get to 50 will i ring alarm bells if i've still never married? it is possible to just not have met someone where the feelings and the timing and everything else was right for both at the same time. if you're also male that's likely to mean your childless unless you've gotten people pregnant along the way. which would you prefer?

also 50 never married and no children probably means he is set for life financially grin

i'm quite stung by that comment! grin why is it better to have married the wrong person than to never have married because you didn't meet the right one?

Helltotheno Sun 01-Sep-13 10:48:01

Never married isn't an issue... not for me any road. Marriage isn't the be all and end all.

theendishere Sun 01-Sep-13 10:53:03

Not sure why Numberlock said alarm bells should be ringing tbh!

I think with him it's more a case of never have met the right one,

theendishere Sun 01-Sep-13 12:38:03

The guy I went on the date with is online (as am I!) and he's just been viewing my profile again...

49howdidthathappen Sun 01-Sep-13 13:04:48

My partner is 49 he has never married, lived with someone for a number of years. They wanted kids, badly, went through several IVF treatments. Sadly it didn't happen for them.

Just saying.

TwoStepsBeyond Sun 01-Sep-13 13:10:51

Don't write him off entirely OP, if you liked him and he liked you I can't see why you wouldn't give it another go. You didn't find him sleazy and only you know how much flirting/banter led up to his massage comments, so whatever anyone on here thinks, only you really know if he overstepped the mark.

he wants a physical relationship from the get go (show me a man that doesn't) exactly this (and the same goes for many women too!)

I met my DP online last year, we got on brilliantly, talked about all sorts, got very frisky in the bar and had such a fantastic date neither of us wanted it to end. He did come back to mine, we had a great night and have been together ever since.

I can imagine that if either of us had another date lined up for later that week we would have cancelled it, but if not, it was early days so I would have understood (but hoped that he didn't get on so well with her and came back for seconds with me!) As it happens I did have another date lined up for the week before, but I chose to cancel it and only see one man at a time, which DP found endearing as it is quite unusual in OD.

People seem to have the 'lets be exclusive' chat after several months these days, so him still being online today, going on other dates etc when you've only met once says nothing about him. It may be that he is replying to messages from other people he has been in contact with telling them that he has met someone lovely and can't meet up with them hopelessly deluded I know, but that's exactly what I was doing the week after I met DP!

Boomba Sun 01-Sep-13 13:29:11

Oh my lord...read a book, go for a walk...just stop obsessing!

I wouldn't be interested in a guy who can't get organised enough to feed himself! A quick snack in the car before meeting you is not that difficult surely? Or something from the bar? Or getting something on the way home? It wasn't your responsibility. I also think he was making excuses to get an invite back to yours which is being pushy (fair play if you made it obvious you were keen).

I know you found him attractive but that doesn't mean you are safe with him or that he is not an abuser. You are quite right to be careful - you don't know him at all.

ImperialBlether Sun 01-Sep-13 15:24:14

Do you have a nice husband, Boomba?

TwoStepsBeyond Sun 01-Sep-13 17:32:36

Just noticed that he originally suggested dinner - it sounds to me like he was making a passive aggressive point about you changing it from a dinner date to a drinks date, in which case he probably is a knobber, steer clear!

Boomba Sun 01-Sep-13 17:40:45

I am single blether. Why?

MissStrawberry Sun 01-Sep-13 17:49:35

I was thinking about this today on in the beach and wondered if he didn't eat because he didn't want to spend anything?

Another one who didn't fancy her DH immediately. It took a few dates and now we are 17 years together and he is hot grin.

theendishere Sun 01-Sep-13 21:20:57

Twosteps is right re banter etc leading to massage comment. We had been talking about spas and I said how much enjoyed a good massage, and it went from there really.
He's send me several messages through the dating site today and viewed me twice. Maybe he wasn't just after a one night stand...

Why is he sending messages on the dating site and not texting you? or even better picking up the phone to speak to you? He's already been out with you once, surely there's no need to be so coy.confused

akaWisey Sun 01-Sep-13 21:50:47

Maybe he saw you on there, knew you'd see him and is keeping his options open by messaging you as if that's what he was on there for <cynical>.

You've been on a date, he's texted you already. Mind your heart, OP.

I'm cynical as well, wisey. If he was interested enough he'd be on the phone (I know, I'm so old and old fashioned) having a chat with OP about her weekend and asking her out again.

OP, definitely keep looking to keep your options open.

theendishere Sun 01-Sep-13 22:17:17

Yes, defiantly keeping options open!! He said he thought the date went well and there was an attraction and asked what I thought. I've basically spelt it out - that I felt we got on well, felt a bit of attraction BUT was surprised he thought i'd agree to him coming back to mine as we'd only met a few hours before!

I think it's good that you said that to him about coming back to yours.
Let's see what his next move is, although if he was sending me messages on the dating site when I knew he had my phone number that would piss me off somewhat.

theendishere Sun 01-Sep-13 22:26:39

Thanks Herdy. I figured that if I made my feelings clear (ie I don't invite virtual strangers back home)I'd find out if he's interested in me and not just sleeping with me.

Yes know what you mean about the messages, but as we know, he probably is chatting to others too.

ALittleStranger Sun 01-Sep-13 22:48:18

Has he actually asked for and arranged a second date OP? If not, he's mucking you about and don't waste any more time.

He's new to OD so maybe he doesn't get that it's normal to progress to texting and not stick with messages through the site once you've met.

But if I was being cynical I'd also say he was deliberately giving himself cover for being online lots.

Not that there's anything wrong with either of you being online and arranging other dates.

I agree with the others that the massage comment makes it pretty clear what he wants. Not that that makes him a bad person at all.

theendishere Sun 01-Sep-13 23:20:57

No he's not mentioned a second date. I'm just going to wait and see if /how he replies to my last message...

stargirl04 Sun 01-Sep-13 23:31:43

OP, you're way too keen.... you need to be a little more mysterious, be a little harder to get.

Go out with several men, rather than becoming fixated on one - and this is your ideal opportunity!. As others have said, just because you don't feel an instant attraction doesn't mean you shouldn't give them a chance, or three or four chances. Or three or four men chances grin

I sincerely don't mean to be cruel, but I notice that he didn't reply to your text. Which is just further confirmation for me that the Rules work (not that I need persuading - I'm a devout believer).

FWIW.. I think you've had a lucky escape anyway... a massage? Eee-uw. NOT classy.....

theendishere Sun 01-Sep-13 23:36:15

Too keen? I didn't invite him back and made it clear it wouldn't happen next time either.
Yes I am definatley keeping my options open, have one other date arranged and the guy from the pub has been in touch again, so no, wouldn't say I was fixated on one!

Helltotheno Mon 02-Sep-13 00:31:36

He's digging a bit to establish whether you'd be good for a shag on the 2nd date, no mystery here. If he thinks you'll do it, he'll commit to a date, otherwise he won't. ..

weakattheknees Mon 02-Sep-13 15:12:15

At a dinner party a few weeks back I met a guy mid 30's, recently divorced and now on the internet dating game. I seemed he had about 5 women "on the go" at the time each at various stages of relationship development from "1st date just arranged", "just had first date", through to "having sex with".

This might, or might not be representative, but be warned. If you want to rip the pants off a guy then go for it. If not say no AND DON'T FEEL BAD.

theendishere Mon 02-Sep-13 18:05:33

He's replied apologising for the suggestion of coming back to mine. Said he felt there was a spark between us and got on very well, but Still no mention of a second date.

MissStrawberry Mon 02-Sep-13 18:10:31

I would forget this one.

theendishere Mon 02-Sep-13 18:33:58

I haven't replied smile I have a date arranged with someone else for later in the week...

I think not replying is the way to go OP.
From what you've written here you've given him plenty of encouragement and made it clear that you enjoyed the date. more than enough for him to ask you out again if he wanted to. I think he's hoping now that he's giving you a bit of a challenge and that you'll throw yourself at him.
Hope your date this week goes well.

beaglesaresweet Mon 02-Sep-13 18:48:09

yep, he's waiting for you to suggest a second date AND to invite him going back to yours this time, otherwise he won't suggest anything. creep.

theendishere Mon 02-Sep-13 19:52:31

Thanks ladies smile I don't plan to reply. If he suggests a second date in the next day or so, I'll probably consider it but won't make any more contact with him unless that happens

Jaynebxl Mon 02-Sep-13 22:03:24

Well I would reply. I'd say thanks for the apology, I'd like to see you again too and then see if he suggests something. He may well feel he has opened up by saying he likes you and is waiting for an encouraging response before he comes up with a date suggestion.

theendishere Mon 02-Sep-13 23:41:56

Thanks Jayne. Ive just replied saying aplogy accepted. Asked about his day, told him a bit about mine, also said a bit weird talking on the site when we have eachother's numbers

Jaynebxl Tue 03-Sep-13 04:20:27

Great. Hope he comes up with something now. If not then I guess you will know he's not for you!

akaWisey Tue 03-Sep-13 07:17:29

Someone upthread mentioned this guy being new to OD and maybe doesn't quite get it yet.

No. No excuses. He isn't new to dating. He knows the score.

OP I'm sorry but I think the last text you sent him was the one you shouldn't have sent. You've kind of showed him your hand, as it were.

Hope it works out with whoever is lucky enough to catch you smile.

Wishihadabs Tue 03-Sep-13 07:53:47

Wow 8 pages over a guy who wanted sex and a girl who didn't quite as much shock. OP I assume you have a child, a job ? , friends ? A life in other words. This is consuming far too much of your mental energy. I seriously haven't obsessed over a guy like this since I was 15. Life is far too short.

Lazyjaney Tue 03-Sep-13 08:12:56

^^
and I'll bet they shag their brains out within 2 hours of meeting next date, the repressed attraction has been painfully obvious.

OP, I think he's had more than enough encouragement from you and I dont think your last text was necessary.
All the signs from him are that he's just after something casual and he's keeping you on the hook just in case. He's had plenty of opportunity to move things forward to another date. If you're just after something casual that's absolutely fine. But your posts suggest that you're not.

I had missed your post that he text you at 2am Saturday night/Sunday morning. Probably just back from another date that didn't go so well, and explains why he was back on the site a lot on Sunday.
That, plus his evasiveness about arranging another date when you told him you were free those two nights, plus his pushing to come back to yours for food, plus the massage comment, plus him not calling you or even texting you when you've already been on a date together, all seems a bit off.
Although I'm first to admit I may be a bit jaded at the moment smile

theendishere Tue 03-Sep-13 09:20:12

Yes Herdy you're right. He said he was out seeing a friend on Sat night - of course no way of knowing if that was true.

And yes, Wisey, wish I hadn't sent that lsst message but at least it didn't say too much.

When I first started dating again after my divorce I realised things had changed a lot since I was last 'out there' single especially OD as it didn't exist last time I was single. Actually neither did mobile phones, that's how old I am !

I think 2am texts from someone you barely know are a bit of a red flag. I dont know how I missed that when you first posted it. In my experience, I found that guys would send them in the hopes that I too was still up and also feeling lonely, or horny! Obviously not a problem with someone you know well but new guys texting after midnight, especially at the weekend, was a red flag for me.

Anyway, let us know what his reply is. I'm really hoping you have a great time on your other date this week.

theendishere Tue 03-Sep-13 09:43:05

Thanks Herdy smile I've only done OLD since I split u with my ex last year.

I guess I've been lucky (until this guy) that the people I've met (whilst not for me) haven't been after one night stands

He may be after an ongoing casual thing not just a one off. It does seem that he's primarily looking for something physical and casual rather than an actual relationship. There's nothing wrong with that as long as he's honest about it.
You mentioned that he's quite new to OD. Has he just got out of a relationship?

theendishere Tue 03-Sep-13 10:04:57

His divorce was finalised 9 months ago but only just joined OLD about a month ago

In that case, newly divorced and new to OLD he probably still has 'kid in a sweet shop' syndrome. smile He's probably just finding his way and trying to decide what he wants as well and just not ready to limit his choices yet.
My advice would be for you to definitely keep looking, and if this one does ask you out again, it's up to you to keep it at a pace you're happy with. He's probably heard a few stories about OLD that have given him rather high expectations of getting a shag every time he goes out on a date.

theendishere Tue 03-Sep-13 18:16:52

He's been texting today instead of messaging on the dating site! However I logged on to read a message earlier and he was online too.
Still no mention of date 2

He's doing my head in now theend.
He's definitely trying to keep you on the hook - see mine and beaglesaresweet's posts from yesterady evening.
He's said he felt a spark and you got on well, so nothing to stop him asking you out again. You've given him more than enough encouragement. He's just taking the piss now with all this arsing around.
Who asked who out for the first date?
And after that date, did he actually ask to see you again? You mentioned he was 'evasive' when you told him you had a couple of nights free, how did that convo actually start?

MissStrawberry Tue 03-Sep-13 19:25:33

Why are you even bothered? It really sounds like you are desperate.

akaWisey Tue 03-Sep-13 19:37:20

Ignore him. He's an arse. Believe me, if you go on a second date now you will regret it.

akaWisey Tue 03-Sep-13 19:40:05

And read 'He's just not that into you'.

TwoStepsBeyond Tue 03-Sep-13 21:26:49

Just as an aside, I often went onto the OD site to show friends his photos and details, while on there I may have responded to any messages from people I'd been talking to. Had DP been looking he may have presumed I was shopping around, but I wasn't.

theendishere Tue 03-Sep-13 21:39:26

Definately not desperate MissS!

It was him who suggested the first date and yes as Herdy said, if he felt a spark and we got on, he could easily have mentioned meeting again by now. I've deleted his number smile

beaglesaresweet Tue 03-Sep-13 23:48:45

def the case of the 'kid in a sweets shop' <rolls eyes>, don't bother with him! good idea re deleting the number.

he may well browse for a while and THEN realise you were the best after all, but who wants to hang around for that.

beaglesaresweet Tue 03-Sep-13 23:49:06

sweetshop

TwoStepsBeyond Wed 04-Sep-13 17:42:23

But the point it OD IS a sweetshop and we should all be trying to make sure we find the person we click with the most, I can't see anything wrong with him still browsing and keeping his options open at this stage - he hasn't proposed marriage, he just pushed his luck hoping OP was up for sex, which if she had been, fantastic, everyone's a winner.

If not, fair enough, he's still looking around, he probably would have been if they HAD had sex, it doesn't make him shallow or evil or somehow inferior to any other man simply because he made it obvious that he'd like sex and he doesn't mind too much who it is with. Similarly it wouldn't have made the OP a slapper, or easy or somehow inferior if she'd wanted sex with him or anyone else either.

BitOutOfPractice Wed 04-Sep-13 18:03:11

One thing is for certain. OLD is a total head fuck

TwoSteps. When I referred to OLD as sweet shop I wasn't saying it's not, or that it's wrong to treat it as such.
My point was that he's a guy who is new to OLD. He's got easy access to more women who want to date/fuck/marry/cohabit than he ever has in his life. Of course he's going to be looking around and one of the things that OLD is very good for is finding casual sex. Again, simply because so many potential partners are easily contactable.
I was trying to help OP see that he's looking round, enjoying keeping his options open and therefore she should be doing the same. And the fact that he's not been asking her for a second date is clear proof that he's enjoying looking round and that she probably didn't have quite as much impact on him as he seems to have done on her.

Bit yes it is. I've taken a lengthy break and am steeling myself to get back into it eventually, because I'm older and it's very difficult to meet single men in my age group. I'm trying to toughen up my skin as we speak, because one certainly needs a thick skin and a great SOH to deal with it!

lurkinglorna Wed 04-Sep-13 18:22:59

yeah, second what twostepsbeyond said?

i don't really think the dating process is "gendered" as in men choose and women don't. surely you're BOTH sussing each other out to see if you're a match and seeing what develops? after a good date which is what - couple of hours or an evening together, they're just "someone you've met for a bit"? you can say there's good chemistry and you enjoyed "that DATE" and would be up for another one, but there's not really a connection or obligation yet.

sure its an ego boost and exciting to do the whole "will he/won't he" text thing and if you're only getting 1st dates, never a 2nd one then review presentation.

but women turn men down too? i mean i've probably accepted 2nd/3rd/ further dates from perfectly "eligible" men and then gone off them as:

- rubbish in bed, too small or too submissive/feathery strokey
- just didn't like the cut of his jib after spending more time with him
- something about his communication style or follow up or the way he "organised" the 2nd meet pissed me off
- someone hotter and more alpha/masculine was in the background or "appeared" so he was always going to be friendzoned/demoted to 2nd priority anyway
- i was a bit unavailable at the time for other reasons and so was just dating as i was bored and seeing what was out there.

etc etc. i'm a woman!

sweetshop/having options is only a problem if you don't use it to your advantage? smile good luck OP anyway!

theendishere Wed 04-Sep-13 20:51:07

Lurkin - thanks for your comments. I've had plenty of guys wanting and 2nd, 3rd date etc, just that I haven't felt any attraction so didn't see them again.
Re the recent guy, yes I'm sure he is exploring his options - I was only the second person he's met from OLD

BitOutOfPractice Thu 05-Sep-13 20:56:48

herdy yes, I totally agree. The whole thing is so false and difficult to negotiate. Especially if you've out of the game for many years like me. The SOH is vital I think. I could write a book about my 6 months or so online. A book I tell ya!

However, as an aside, I've met the nicest man in the world <official> from OLD so it does work.

OP, keep a clear head and carry on. I very much agree with what people are saying aboutnot getting too hung up on initial attraction...

theendishere Thu 05-Sep-13 21:35:21

Thanks Bitof of practice - so great to hear you've met someone nice though!!
The guy from the pub still wants to go out, but really cant see there ever being any attraction there - do really enjoy his company though. How do you tell someone you'd love to be friends but you don't fancy them - without sounding unkind...

theendishere Thu 05-Sep-13 22:12:05

right ladies - help needed!!! The guy I had the date with on Friday has messaged again today, with general chit chat. I have just text back to say we had a nie eve but couldn't see the point of staying in touch as he clearly doesn't want to meet again. I was very polite about it - said it was his choice, which was totally fine and a choice i'd had to make on many occasions. He's replied straight back saying he does want to see me again - wtf????

Lweji Thu 05-Sep-13 22:25:03

But did he offer a date?

Just don't reply.

Doha Thu 05-Sep-13 22:28:52

His move l think.
Wait and see if he suggests a date. Do not reply if he is keen he will make the move now or never

theendishere Thu 05-Sep-13 22:29:46

Nope - just said he'd like to see me again if that's what I would like...

I said that wasn't the impression he'd given so wasn't sure what to think and have left it there...

Acceptable to get your reply ..."I do want to see you again. Are you free at the weekend?"
Unacceptable and doesn't warrant your reply..... "I do want to see you again" but no mention of when

So which did he send you ?

How did he come to start texting again? Did he just pop up today out of the blue ?

Just read the cross posts.

theendishere Thu 05-Sep-13 22:52:43

Hi Herdy - yep, the second...

theendishere Thu 05-Sep-13 22:53:54

His actual reply was "well i'd be more than happy to meet up again if you do!?

theendishere Thu 05-Sep-13 23:08:47

He's still not replied, but just had an email from someone on the dating site who looks and sounds v nice smile Won't get my hopes up at all yet though!!!

MsVestibule Thu 05-Sep-13 23:40:07

Seriously, just leave this one alone, theend. This is the sort of wishy washyness I hate in men. When I look back on my successful relationships, they never messed me around at the beginning. We went on a date, we liked each other, so arranged another, and pretty soon were boyfriend and girlfriend. The only ones that didn't go anywhere were the ones who messed me around like this one is you.

If I'm ever on the dating scene again (spent many, many years on it), there is no way I would put up with all the shit I used to. I'm embarrassed to think of the time I spent angsting over ambiguous texts. And I don't care if OLD 'sweetie shop' has made things different now.

theendishere Thu 05-Sep-13 23:46:32

Thanks MsV smile You're right - it shouldn't be this difficult, esp at the beginning!!!

beaglesaresweet Fri 06-Sep-13 00:07:17

lorna, I hear your point, but possibly you've never really liked/fancied anyone on dating sites, not as much as OP liked the guy. Unlike you, she said she didn't fancy ANY men from online before that she met them, yet she was hugely attracted to this one. In this case it's really hard to forget it and to switch quickly to others. Some people are extremely selective/fussy - it's not superior or inferior, it's just what they are.

Others are quite easily attracted to people - as you are - but then can quickly cool off to if these men are disappointing. But not everyone is like that. I was just saying to OP, they are not on the same page with this guy, she wants to find one guy, and he wants to try all the sweets in the shop - it's not wrong of him per se, but it's the wrong man for her!

Of course she does need to move on, as I suspect she's now annnoyed with his gameplaying - rightly so! I still claim, OP, that he DOES want an invite from you to come to your place for sex, that's the explanation why he keeps puttong ball in your court. He won't offer just a date as he's not interested in slow dating - if he wanted this, he would have done!!

dontyouwantmebaby Fri 06-Sep-13 00:07:27

MsV is bang on! This one sounds like he is messing you around for sure.

so he's contacted you again, out of the blue, trying to put it on you whether another meeting happens or not rather than him firmly suggesting a date.

well I'd be more than happy to meet up again "if you do" - he doesn't need this qualifier if he was eager to see you again.

good luck OP hope you meet someone fab soon.

beaglesaresweet Fri 06-Sep-13 00:08:58

when she met them, not 'that'

ALittleStranger Fri 06-Sep-13 07:19:29

Agh this thread is frustrating. He's not that keen, he's just keeping an option open. I agree with the other poster who said successful relationships don't start this way.

OP you should see OD as a sweetshop. You want a meaningful relationship, chances are you'll have to date a lot of people before you find that. There is no point trying to get something to work for you when you have other options.

Boomba Fri 06-Sep-13 07:25:17

I think you need to step away from the OLD for a while!

Boomba Fri 06-Sep-13 07:26:37

His reply meant, yes id like to meet for sex, are you up for it

MissStrawberry Fri 06-Sep-13 07:48:36

This makes me think of the day I met my husband. We met up and both hoped it would lead to something. It was at the end of the date when he properly made his feelings plain. That is how it should be. This man doesn't have the courage, manners, whatever you want to describe it as to be straight and say he wants to take you for dinner on Saturday. He is hedging his bets as pride not being hurt is more important than taking a chance.

You shouldn't even be thinking about getting your hopes up so that I why I said you sounded desperate and I would definitely give up on this one who can't be straight.

ALittleStranger Fri 06-Sep-13 07:55:57

Why do you think that Boompa? I think OP just needs to get a bit more insightful, a bit clearer about what she wants and make it work for her.

theendishere Fri 06-Sep-13 09:00:54

Beagle - yes you're right, he is one of the very few guys I've been attracted to recently , and we got on so well on the date - that's why it was a bit disappointing that he's turned out to e such a waste of time.
Its no surprise that he still hasn't suggested meeting.
Had a nice chat to another guy online last night though - he said he'd like to chat again this evening...

just be blunt and real!!!!

say, 'well proof is in the pudding mate - if you want to meet again ask me out because you're not the only guy interested and i don't like playing silly games and this is starting to feel like that'.

either he goes ooh way too forward and bolshy (in which case you're well shot) or he goes oh, straight forward woman whose not fucking about and asks you out.

all this nonsense inbetween is stoopid. who cares what he thinks? say what you want to say and get it sorted rather than deal with open ended nonsense of cagey egos dancing.

and imo open ended nonsense of cagey egos dancing = head fuck central

MissStrawberry Fri 06-Sep-13 13:53:10

In the future maybe ask out a man yourself. But not this one!!

BitOutOfPractice Fri 06-Sep-13 13:57:06

I whole heartedly agree with the poster who said that it shouldn't be this tricky at the start. The OLD site is only the first point of contact. After that it should be just like meeting in RL in a pub or whatever. Call each other, text, arrange to meet...no games or pissing about. I don't really know why OLD seems to bring out this bad behaviour sad

I'd do out with lovely pub man again if I were you.

theendishere Fri 06-Sep-13 21:43:15

Well surprise, surprise - I've not heard from him! I think a week is along enough to decide if you want a second date!!!
Pub guy texted yesterday and we have arranged to go out next weekend - I did tll him a coule of weeks ago if we met again prob just as friends so hope i'm not leading him on by going out Physically he's just not my type at all

Massage Man will very likely pop up again completely out of the blue acting as if you two have been in contact all along.....
See how it goes with Pub Guy.

theendishere Fri 06-Sep-13 21:56:28

yes, I wouldn't be surprised Herdy !
I'll see how it goes, but don't want to lead him on either as he seems like a nice guysmile I know people who know him too which makes me feel "safer" with hi if that makes sense?!

theendishere Mon 09-Sep-13 13:40:02

Well, what a surprise still no response from him - another one to put down to experience. It feels like OND is a waste of time atm, but also good to know that some of you have met your partners this way!

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