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WTF! 'friend' my arse !!

(40 Posts)
PTFO Thu 29-Aug-13 22:45:06

when she's confronted, denies, denies, denies. which by default implies I'M lying which Im not.
she's a total coward.
no apology.
total histerics and tears from her, total drama all me me me.

fuck her, there are better people out there worth my time effort and friendship. I deserve better. I could not have done more for her. some people take take take and their is no give and this one takes the piss. I do not deserve to me treated like that.

bitter twisted jelousy has eaten her up. what a waste.

Bluemonkeyspots Thu 29-Aug-13 22:53:24

I take it there is a backstory to this?

Anniegetyourgun Thu 29-Aug-13 23:03:08

This is like one of those cryptic Facebook statuses, innit? Somebody, somewhere probably knows what it means.

SoleSource Thu 29-Aug-13 23:18:13

Is this Facebook?

Not!

smile

Come on tell us...

Ruprekt Thu 29-Aug-13 23:31:47

You might need to elaborate.......sad

internationallove985 Thu 29-Aug-13 23:33:14

What has she done. xx

PTFO Fri 30-Aug-13 09:36:15

sorry did type long informative message last night but I was so angry I deleted it.

Soooo...backstory.

'friend X' has for the last year been making nasty comments to me designed to make her feel better about herself. She has a chip on her shoulder about how she looks, weight etc. all comments under the guise of humour but clearly they are bitter and nasty. Ive separated these comments from our friendship as I put it down to the chip on her shoulder talking. Ive trying talking to her over the year and she has laughed in my face.

Ive put everything into this friendship and Ive been her shoulder to cry on, given her clothes as she has lost weight as shes not much money, given her son clothes that my ds has barely worn, I got her a gift when she got to her goal weight, cheered her on been supportive despite these comments. I thought that perhaps once she lost weight she would stop with the need to try and bring me down but no, she admitted that the chip is worse than ever.

Last month it was her bday, I went to ALOT of effort. She had a party and I didn't even get a slice of cake, it was boxed up and taken home, I was starving all the food had gone when we arrived and we were told to go to the chippy, so I managed to get bar staff to allow me to buy some dessert which she shared with me. (I made my ds bday cake/no party but made sure her/family got a chuck) On her actual bday I got her over to mine, bought lots of mini cupcake/presents etc etc she took cakes hm for her family. It became clear that anything Ive said to her in confidence she has repeated to someone else. Ive not had a thank you for any of it.

I saw her yesterday she acted as if all was normal, I told her we needed to chat and sort something out. she has no idea what she could have done wrong. so I said I would see her next week as kids with us.
so roll onto evening and she cant wait she needs to know now, her head is spinning, shes in tears, mentally shes in a bad place. I offer to go straight round. She declines but wants to know by text. half an hour later her hubby texts me, plse can you tell her whats she done wrong and she dosent know and shes very upset.

Now for a month she has known Im upset and not approached me. I live 2 mins away, she has not bothered her head all month but now she is.

So I go round and they ignore the door..get in my car to go and I see her hubby in kitchen....so I go back. He lets me in and X stands there in tears denys saying these things to me tells me its her houmour...her dh wants to kick me out, X refuses wants to know everything so I tell her, examples of things she said, no apology no Im sorry if you took it like that Ill be more carefull with what I say just tears and screaming that she cant take it and she hates herself and she must be a horrible person.

My mum keeps telling me she is NO friend get rid but aside from the snide remarks we got on well but maybe I have MUG across my face

so that's the jist of it...I don't even care if this outs me. IM DONE.

PTFO Fri 30-Aug-13 09:42:39

Oh and I would never have upset her before her bday as it ment so much to her and I understood that. But she is more than happy to upset me last night as today is MY bday. cheers X!!

She sounds awful.

You say aside from the snide remarks she is nice but you can't compartmentalise some of her behaviour and ignore it and just pretend the bit you acknowledge makes her a nice person.

What is in this for you? It isn't just the snide remarks either, is it? She doesn't appreciate anything you do for her and she doesn't seem to be giving you the same kindness back.

Ditch her. Who has the time to prop up somebody like this? I think your mum is right

Oh and Happy birthday!

Seriously, forget about her and enjoy your day! smile

Happy birthday!

Forget her, people like that will suck the life blood from you without a backward glance. Dumping a friendship always hurts no matter how shit the friend but you're really better off binning this one.

Have a lovely day flowers

PTFO Fri 30-Aug-13 10:04:15

Bigboobiedbertha (love the name btw)

Your right, so is my mum. She has never given or done anything for me but then I don't expect it. We have a few things in common and I thought we got on well but its all one way isn't it. Your spot on about not getting the same kindness back, its all lack of respect, use and abuse. Now if I had said these things to her she would not be able to take it but she can dish out!

speaking of dishing Ive got chocolate bday cake for brekky calling me!

difficultpickle Fri 30-Aug-13 10:06:12

So you arrived late at a party and there was no food left. Why were you late? Did your friend know you were going to be late? Did you ask her to save you some food? If not then not sure what she is supposed to have done.

You bought her cupcakes on her birthday and she took them home. I assume they were a present to her so why wouldn't she be allowed to take them home?

I assume you gave her clothes that you and your ds no longer need. If she didn't say thank you then I agree that isn't very nice. The only other thing that isn't nice is telling others what you said to her. I assume you told her things in confidence but if your remarks weren't very nice then maybe she thought she was doing your other friends a favour by telling them what you were saying behind their back.

QueenQueenie Fri 30-Aug-13 10:09:40

How old are you both?

Mindmaps Fri 30-Aug-13 10:12:36

12/13?

QueenQueenie Fri 30-Aug-13 10:15:33

I think that rather generous.
Seriously op, mature people don't behave like this in friendships. It all sounds like massively hard work and far too much drama.

difficultpickle Fri 30-Aug-13 10:17:20

Whoops, I forgot it is still the school holidays!

PTFO Fri 30-Aug-13 10:19:58

bisjo

Yes I arrived late ( 1 hour) she was fore warned what time I would arrive and she was fine with this a week or so before party. Part of the reason I was late was I was organising and carrying her 2nd round of bday surprises. Never thought to ask her to save food, didn't think it would be out the second everyone arrived. But she never thought to save us any did she. I bought my own cake from bar staff (which she shared!)....which leads on to..

Yes cupcakes for her my point being Ive bought cakes for her, given her some of my ds bday cake and I go to her party and it boxed up and taken home after no food. Only to tell she spent all weekend eating it. She didn't think or want to share it with me. as I said she lives two mins away I would without a shadow of doubt have kept some aside for her. she cannot extend that kindness to me. happy to take all presents but to think further than that.

I have given all clothes I no longer need yes that's correct and she thanked me. My point being how much I give to our friendship. The info she has passed on to someone else is very personal to me, very private and does not involve talking about anyone else. Thats hurtfull and unkind and a gossip.

Happy birthday flowers cake wine

AnyFucker Fri 30-Aug-13 10:26:09

You both sound as drama llama as each other

Do people really live like this other than on the Jeremy Kyle show ?

difficultpickle Fri 30-Aug-13 10:27:04

So she passed on info you had told her in confidence? That isn't very nice but not exactly a reason for a drama. I would just choose someone else to confide in. If you didn't ask her to save you food then not sure what she has done wrong there as how is she supposed to know you wouldn't have eaten prior to going to the party, especially as you knew you would be late.

If you were the only one not to get any birthday cake and you were there when it was served to everyone else then I agree that is a bit odd. Not really a drama though. Just chose other friends.

My best friend told me to 'get over it' a month after I had been injured in a terrorist attack where others around me had died. I didn't make a drama about it I just dropped her as a friend. I was fortunate to discover who were my real friends and a bit sad that I'd wasted 20 years investing in and supporting a friend through a whole host of issues only to discover that the one time I needed her support she wasn't interested. Cutting contact also meant ds lost two of his godparents (her and her dh).

Wuldric Fri 30-Aug-13 10:29:57

Blimey o riley

HotCrossPun Fri 30-Aug-13 10:35:33

Sounds bloody exhausting.

Is your friendship really worth all this angst? It reads like you are a couple of teenagers.

Enjoy your birthday and don't invest anymore time or energy into trying to salvage your friendship.

Helltotheno Fri 30-Aug-13 13:04:55

OP the issue here really is that you need to remove your 'doormat' sandwich board. Once you do that, you'll find everything falls into place nicely.

Telling people their lives are like something off Jeremy Kyle is so unhelpful and rude.

OP you really need to ditch this friend, think of this incident as the straw that broke the camels back!

Move on and good luck.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Fri 30-Aug-13 14:16:49

She sounds like one of life's takers. She seems selfish, self-involved and indiscreet, and seems like one of those people who, if they do something wrong, turn it all around on the other person so that they are the one in the wrong hence her performance last night. If I were you I'd quietly and gradually drop her. Don't make a song and dance about it but just gently and quietly withdraw and don't waste any more of your time and effort on her.

tribpot Fri 30-Aug-13 14:29:43

Surely the 'I hate myself, I must be a horrible person' bullshit is just designed to make impossible for you to be right and her to be wrong. You're right back on the merry-go-round of 'it's all about her'.

These are classic manipulators' tricks. She wanted her DH to be there so that the audience was on her side. Who the fuck cares about her birthday, she's not 7! I dread to think what she was like in the run up to her wedding, incidentally.

She is simply a high-maintenance user. You need to focus on why you allowed yourself to be sucked in to the situation in the first place, why you invested so much in a friendship with someone who patently doesn't even like you. I think you think that makes you a nice person - well of course it doesn't make you a nasty one but you've not been very nice to yourself.

It's definitely a rousing MN chorus of Leave the Bastard on this one - cut her out of your life and find some friends who are capable of returning your friendship. And don't make a big song and dance out of dropping her, either - that will keep her going for months. Just back away slowly.

SirRaymondClench Fri 30-Aug-13 14:35:38

I feel emotionally drained just reading all this.

Platinumstart Fri 30-Aug-13 14:50:02

I th

Platinumstart Fri 30-Aug-13 14:52:34

I think you're taking this all far to personally. If you're late to a party I think it is a little unreasonable to expect the host to have saved you food - especially when there was clearly an option to purchase more.

Taking cupcakes home also seems fine. But if a couple of cake incidences of cake have got you both this upset then you really should take a step back

GeppaGip Fri 30-Aug-13 15:09:59

All this over a bit of birthday cake!!

QueenofallIsee Fri 30-Aug-13 15:16:32

Sorry OP, you sound as bad as her. Not sure your examples warrant a 'we must have a chat drama'. You seem to be equally manipulative i.e passive aggressive 'over giving' i.e. giving in order to elicit a response and control a situation, not giving in order to be a friend/good person

Partridge Fri 30-Aug-13 15:25:40

Is this seriously mostly about cake?

JackieOHHH Fri 30-Aug-13 15:27:07

OP you sound like me....I've had a few friendships fail over the past 3 years ( since I turned 40!!!) and it's because I am loyal, and I give and give and give and get shit on.
At that point I say "enough", and I realise nothing is ever going to be good enough.
Those posters saying you sound as bad as her, well I don't agree. I think you've reached your limit.
You've been quite adult about it, saying to he " look, we need a chat, I'm a bit upset about something" and she's the one who's turned it round, making a big thing out of t, getting her husband to 'witness' you having a go at her.
Pffft....her loss mate.
Move on, find better friends, ( saw one of my ex, back stabbing friends today, and just smiled to myself, knowing I've moved on and learnt, but she never will cos she's never wrong).
Ignore her.

JackieOHHH Fri 30-Aug-13 15:29:17

Those asking "is this really just about cake??!!!"
Of course it's not! FFS it's the straw that's finally broken the camels back! It's part of the story.

If I told you why I fell out with my friend of 20 years you'd all say " is that it?? You lose a friend of 20 years over that?" But often you've taken so much and finally, just one little thing,pisses you off so much you snap.

SirRaymondClench Fri 30-Aug-13 15:39:34

Actually when I think about it, I can't think of a better reason to fall out with a friend than cake.
YANBU Op.

Agree with Jackie - this isn't about cake at all. Read the first paragraph of the explanation, those who think it is. The OP has supported the 'friend' through her weight lose, had put up with the snide remarks at her expense just so the 'friend' felt better about herself, the OP gave her clothes and supported her whilst she tried to lose weight. There was no thanks for the effort that the OP put into making the friend's birthday a nice day or I suspect anything else.

Cake is just the straw that broke the camel's back. She got to the party late after doing something for the benefit of the friend and there is nothing to eat apart from cake that is boxed up and the friend won't share (and who on earth gets the cake out first cuts it at the beginning of the party and then puts it away an hour into the party?). The OP buys herself something to eat and still the friend has to take some of that away. The friend was a crap hostess, thoughtless and greedy. I don't think the OP sounds like a teenager but the so called friend does. She is a taker and too tiresome to bother with. I don't think the OP is bothered because she has a particular passion for cake that has gone unfulfilled, but she felt used and ignored over many months and several times over the course of the last week or so. This time was one time too many. The OP's mum clearly sees a pattern in the friend's behaviour as I don't think her comments are the result of this week's nonsense so you can only assume that it has been going on a while.

This isn't a one-off spat over cake but a one sided relationship that has run its course. The OP gave the friend the chance by explaining why she is upset but as that didn't clear the air and sort anything out, it is time to leave it.

PTFO Sat 31-Aug-13 09:06:40

Update.

yes the cake is the straw that broke the camels back! It was the last fuck you to far. Along with passing on personal info to a mate of hers.

to be clear there was NO option of getting any food at venue. I did ask and it was only at the end of the night that the barman (took pity) offered a cake out of fridge, he knew I was drinking mocktails as I just couldent keep drinking alchol on an empty stomach.

bday cake was on display/candles/happy bday sung then boxed later in evening and taken home, so as far as I know just her family ate it. I didn't expect her to save food, never crossed my mind, I think it odd that it was out the second everyone arrived and I strongly suspect that there was not a lot. X knew that we wouldn't be eating before we arrived but given the excitement would not expect her to give that a second thought. X has been building up and talking non stop about this party for nearly a year so yes I expected food when we got there.

BIGBOOBIEDBERTHA, your spot on in everything you say, thank you for articulating it for me!

X 'friend' text me yesterday afternoon, after having it out with her the night before. it said happy bday hope you had a good day. nothing else I found that REALLY weird. To deny everything blow up as she did...then text me that. Three people told me not to respond so I didn't.

JackieOHHH Sat 31-Aug-13 09:12:58

Looks like she's going into denial mode, "if I pretend it never happened, then it didn't happen"
She will most likely think you won't mention it if she doesn't and you can continue as before.
The problem you may have now is...if you ignore her ( which I certainly would!) she becomes a victim.a victim of your cruel and heartless ways.
If you dont ignore her you either go along with her pretence or you have it out with her again.
Either way, people like her are victims, every time, and you will be the hard faced cruel bitch that upsets her.

been there so many times my username should be cruel and heartless bitch

belatedmaybe Sat 31-Aug-13 09:29:30

You need to stop. Just stop. You are a very good friend to her, invest in the relationship blah blah. She doesn't, you are not a good friend of hers. Sadly people don't always see a relationship the same way. She has made it pretty clear what level she sees you as so why are you knocking yourself out trying to be more? It isn't going to happen or it already would have.

I am/was just like you, it took me a long time to realise it wasn't some kind of judgement on me or failing on my part. It is just that people I viewed as "best" friends didn't see me like that and they were all happy to take what I freely gave but never thought to reciprocate.

Eventually I stopped over investing and more carefully assessed relationships. I am much much happier now and have far more time and energy for my own life!

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