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Gathering my thoughts - am I mad, or is he a tosspot?

(124 Posts)
shadowofmyself Wed 28-Aug-13 22:18:24

I think I need to ltb - unless I really am mad?

I'm sorry, this is dreadfully long as I need to gather my thoughts. I've also name changed as I don't want to be linked to my other threads.

We have been together 17 years, married for eight and have a baby. I have been with him since I was 19- I know nothing else. He is 10 years older and previously had a marriage of convenience.

We have not had sex in over 18 months and before that, it used to be every couple of months only and over in minutes, that's if he could keep it up. (Our five month old was conceived with fertility treatment, after many years and many attempts).
This may be bearable if he showed me any affection, any hugs or kisses or anything at all, but there is nothing. I am not allowed even on the same sofa as him, so there is not even any cuddles in front of a film - which I would have no choice in anyway. I lost two stone in weight before I got pregnant, but it made no difference. He is about five stone heavier than when we met but thinks he's gods gift.

I have given up trying to get any affectionate response from him, even a cuddle, as the rejection floors me. Even when I was pregnant, he wouldn't massage me or rub my back
unless under duress. He only rubbed my back during my 50 hour labour because I begged him in front of the midwife. He keeps saying how hard the labour was on him!

Financially, we each pay in what is supposed to be a fair and equitable amount to a joint account to cover the household bills - except he's never upped his side since the late nineties, even when he was earning far more than me. I now earn more than him, but am currently on mat pay. This set up has seen me accumulate massive debt as I have paid for most things - our wedding, all fertility treatments, bills, any holidays, renovations and the latest: all expenses from our recent move (this means I am having to cut my maternity leave short). He's never contributed to Christmas and the only things he's bought our baby is a £5 babygro and a puppet toy. He won't pay towards childcare and was not interested in looking at nurseries with me, so I've looked and made the decision myself. While I've struggled and rummaged in the reduced bins, he's been guzzling anything up to four bottles of wine some nights. I even pay his mobile bills and he made me put his expensive car repair bills and glasses on my credit card. Of course he's never paid a penny towards this. I very much resent him for this. I realise this makes me an utter mug.

I have been alienated from any local friends - and most of my friends and family are four hours drive away. If I do meet anyone locally, he belittles them so I don't feel I can talk about them. I am very, very lonely but do try and get out to baby groups. The only thing is I find it very difficult to relax and join in as I have no confidence, so haven't made any friends. I find it hard to trust anyone or think of anything interesting to say.

There is no conversation - every night he's in front of the telly (I have no say in the programme) and he'll ignore me if I try and talk. The TV is on full blast as soon as he wakes, even if I'm asleep. I sometimes think he should have married the Samsung instead.

He won't go out with me, even to the cinema. If I get a present for birthdays or Christmas, there's no thought in it - I get things like remote control daleks or spacehoppers. Something last minute and the first thing he's seen in a shop. I'd love to see some live music or theatre, or get a book - but he doesn't think what I might like. It's like I'm not worth any thought at all.

If I ever offer an opinion that differs to his, he shouts me down or ignores me. He comes out with dreadful bigoted stuff and when I protest, he says I am easy to wind up. I don't want him spouting this vile stuff around my son, even if in 'jest.' Apparently this means I have no sense of humour.

At the weekends, he wakes me up to make him a cooked breakfast, even if I've been up through the night with the baby and even when I was recovering from the c section. After I'd had the section he was straight on at me to do the housework and pushed me so hard physically (in terms of activity) in the first couple of weeks post partum that I got a terrible wound infection. I had a hard time getting breast feeding established and when I was upset and doubting myself as as mother, he just shouted rather than offering support. He goes on at me about housework all the time then huffs and puffs and makes a show of redoing it to his standard. It makes me feel useless - I think I must be if I can't even stack the dishwasher or mop the floor right.

I'm pretty sure he gaslights me - denies I've said something or does something stupid then blames me. As an example, he left a bottle of breast milk out at room temperature over night, so it all had to be thrown away. When I asked him why he hadn't put it in the fridge, he shouted and blamed me for not telling him that it had to go back in the fridge - our son is five months old!

At the weekend he called after work to say he was meeting a friend for a couple of beers and would be back by 7. I was absolutely OK with this and said I'd get dinner when he came back. Except he didn't roll in until after midnight, steaming drunk. I wouldn't have minded so much if he'd have let me know so I wasn't hanging on waiting re. dinner and to let him in as he hadn't got his keys.

Today, I went to hang some washing out but the line went very slack. I brought it back in until I could get the line sorted and mentioned that I may have to get a new one and he started shouting and swearing at me. I asked him not to swear but he kept cutting me off when I tried to explain the line had gone funny - but he turned round and said he swears because of the way I speak to him and I was 'lucky I didn't get more than swearing from him.' At this point, I ran upstairs telling him to F off and not come back (I know I shouldn't have sworn, but I hated him at that moment). He went to work carrying the sandwiches I made for him. He came back this evening and has still not spoken to me - worst thing, he's not even cuddled our little boy.

If I ever confront him he says no one else would have me and I'm lucky to have him. He says I'm a moody, high maintenance cow.

There's more. I could probably write a novel, but I'm exhausted.

To the outside world he's charm personified - no one would ever believe me and would just take his word that I'm a nightmare to live with.

Perhaps I am and I just need to accept that despite my university education and career I'm fundamentally useless, unattractive and not worth talking to.

His good points? He's good at his own PR, he can be witty, he can be generous when he chooses to be, he loves our boy...

I know you'll all say to ltb and that's what I'd say if I was reading this too. He's all I've ever known though. This is my normal. He'd deny all this and say I was mad. My friends and family would all think I was horrifically stupid if I left as he's always saying 'what I'm like' to them so I'm sure they must wonder why he puts up with me.

Maybe it is me who's mad, I don't know. I just don't trust what I'm thinking or my instincts anymore.

I'm not expecting any replies to this behemoth post. I just needed to get it all out of my head as containing my unhappiness is making my head spin.

Thanks for reading, if you haven't died of boredom!

Bant Wed 28-Aug-13 22:23:37

I am always bemused by the number of people who will jump in to say 'LTB' at seemingly common infractions and arguments, but in this case, I'll be the first to say it. He sounds horrible, a systematic abusive narcissist, and I'd suggest having him put down.

AnythingNotEverything Wed 28-Aug-13 22:30:15

You deserve better.

Hissy Wed 28-Aug-13 22:30:20

shadowofmyself how apt a name sad

You poor thing!

Your poor son!

You would both be so much happier without this dreadful millstone around your necks

Please take your own advice, do what you know you must do, and get this piss poor example of a male out of your day to day.

You know that there IS more to life than this!

StrangeGlue Wed 28-Aug-13 22:30:52

Oh op that's devastatingly sad! He's really destroyed you. People would believe you, you'd be (more than) fine without him and you are a valuable and wonderful person. Look how strong you are, you've raised your Ds not only single handedly but with someone making it as hard as they possibly can.

Please leave him. If you for you then for your Ds. Is that the atmosphere and attitude either if you deserve? No!

I think you're so strong and still young.

Do you feel safe tonight? He has threatened you. If you don't then please call women's aid or get yourself and your Ds out of there. Get a taxi 4 hrs to your folks if necessary just be safe.

SpanishLady Wed 28-Aug-13 22:32:35

You know for me it's often the little things, why if someone loves you do they expect you to do everything when you are obviously tired / struggling? Why the put downs, the withholding affection? It has to be because they don't really care. You h sounds like he just can't be arsed though there are clues that he is depressed ( lack of libido/ sitting in front of the telly all night). At the end of the day your not his skivy and as a grown adult it's up to you f this life is enough for you. But when there are kids involved its different, it's got to be about the environment they are being brought up into. Maybe your son will end up like him or will be a lackey for your h's mood swings like you are - so how does that sound? If you replace yourself with your son, can you still stomach this life?

If not its about if you want to give h a chance to change things around or just want him out. Life's too short for you and too precious for your son to do nothing . You sound great, willing to make your family happy and secure but if h can't bring something to the table why the hell put up with him having a seat at it!

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm Wed 28-Aug-13 22:32:56


Really. Really? sad

Kick the fat useless wanker to the kerb.

RandomMess Wed 28-Aug-13 22:32:58

Geez it sounds absolutely awful, I really think you would much happier going it alone and waiting until you meet someone who deserves you before you settle down again!

CharityFunDay Wed 28-Aug-13 22:35:00

You are mad...

... To stay with him.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Wed 28-Aug-13 22:35:30

your not mad, he's a tosspot.

The question is, what are you going to do about it?

fortyplus Wed 28-Aug-13 22:36:34

I'm another one who bristles at the way some people on here seem to expect women to leave for the slightest misdemeanour.

But in your case it's different - this man is appalling. Definitely LTB you'll be so much better off in every way without him.

TiredDog Wed 28-Aug-13 22:37:31


Be happy

Handywoman Wed 28-Aug-13 22:38:41

Please gather your thoughts and your strength. Call Women's Aid and get away from this abusive man.

flaggybannel Wed 28-Aug-13 22:39:36

you are not mad OP.

he sounds like the biggest arsehole I have ever heard of.

Mummybookworm Wed 28-Aug-13 22:41:25

You might find after you have left (or thrown his ass out) that your family and friends have not bought his "charming" act. You deserve so much better than this.

Scrubber Wed 28-Aug-13 22:42:49

You need to be free of this man, you know this, it is screaming out from your post. You will find so much self confidence without him. You need to make a plan to leave.

resipsa Wed 28-Aug-13 22:46:17

I feel so sad for you on reading this post, particularly as your first few months with your long-awaited DS should be filled with happy memories. You obviously know that you need to get out but the doing it is always harder than the saying it. I truly hope you have some support nearby and can summon the courage to do what's bet for you and DS.

Notalone Wed 28-Aug-13 22:46:38

Shadow - you are effectively a single mum anyway. Please please leave this man because he is intent on destroying all your self worth and confidence. Deep down he knows you are better than him which is why he treats you with such contempt.

Practically what can be done. Is the mortgage in joint names? Could you stay with family while the house is sorted out if it is? Could you raise a deposit for a rented property for the time being? Please try to confide in someone in RL as this will validate even more why you need to be away from this man. You and your son deserve so so much better sad

TVTonight Wed 28-Aug-13 22:51:35

Agree with all the others

Pilgit Wed 28-Aug-13 23:00:11

He sounds truly horrid. You are worth so much more. If you had a daughter - would you want her treated like this? Would you want your son to treat his wife like this? I would guess not. But that is what is going to happen (in all likelihood) if you do not do something about this. He has systematically, over a sustained period of time destroyed you. He has made you doubt reality such that you actually think this behaviour is normal. IT IS NOT. You deserve so much better. Start planning your departure - get all the paperwork you need, stop getting into debt, make a plan and get out. You are already doing this alone the only thing you will lose by leaving is a constant drain on your self esteem and self worth. So in answer to your question -you are not mad, he is a tosspot!

Armadale Wed 28-Aug-13 23:00:29

yy to all the above, and also to add:

"My friends and family would all think I was horrifically stupid if I left as he's always saying 'what I'm like' to them so I'm sure they must wonder why he puts up with me. " .....

Not everyone will have believed his PR, however good it is. They will have also noticed the changes in you and your lack of confidence. There is nothing as horrid as a man putting his wife down in front of other people, even if they are doing it in an 'entertaining' fashion- it still speaks volumes about them and their lack of respect for their spouse- you might find people are actually wondering why you are putting up with things..

HansieMom Wed 28-Aug-13 23:02:24

You need to be rid of him. Be by yourself and be happy. Take him to the cleaners. Later on, hopefully you will meet a normal man, one who does not scream at you, abuse you, have normal or even great sex that you get something out of, that you can have fun with. You deserve all of this and he deserves nothing. He is old, fat and nasty. Please go?

Solo Wed 28-Aug-13 23:06:29

I've never said this before, but please, LTB. You would be so much better off on your own as a lone parent proper and officially.
He is a waste of good oxygen angry

Portofino Wed 28-Aug-13 23:06:53

No - he sounds horrible. This is not what "normal" relationships are like. Mine isn't perfect I know, but it is not horrible like this.

colafrosties Wed 28-Aug-13 23:13:40

You are not mad, he's a complete wanker, LTB

KatOD Wed 28-Aug-13 23:13:52

Complete tosspot. Absolutely unacceptable. Can you go and stay with family/a friend who'd give you some help so you can get a bit of perspective?

bestsonever Wed 28-Aug-13 23:29:55

The madness you have is only to have stayed so long and even gone to extra lengths to have a child -which would of needed thought and time to think if this man would be a good father candidate. How you thought he would be is amazing. However, you are beginning to see the light now, perhaps because you are a mum and can see the damage is not going to be just to you but your child. Don't be too hard on yourself, this man is a piece of work and he got to you when young - some grooming I'd say. 10 years is one heck of an age gap at 17. See the light, end it all. You will be financially better off and happier also. There really is no reason to continue.

LovesPeace Wed 28-Aug-13 23:43:01

You couldn't be any less happy or less confident.

You sound articulate, caring, successful, hard working - and worth so much more than this. X

tightfortime Wed 28-Aug-13 23:59:34

He is chronically insecure, this man.

He knows he isn't good enough for you, wonders how he got such a lovely young thing to adore him, despite his drinking, weight gain, impotence.

So, the only way to keep such a butterfly is to trap them. Make sure they don't leave. Systematically undermine them, belittle them, gaslight them and have them change to suit them at all costs.

Especially as you were so young, so malleable.

He genuinely thinks he has you right were he wants you.

Well he can fuck off. Find your spine, put your child first and get the hell out. You do it all anyway, you'll be fine - better without the eggshells to walk on and man child to please.

I know this because I was you but the abusive behaviour was no where near as bad.

What's the one thing everyone I love has said to me since I left?

It's good to have YOU back. They do notice you know.

Please, Please, put yourself first for once and LTB. You sound fabulous, articulate, smart and reasonable. He is not.

Buzzardbird Thu 29-Aug-13 00:07:17

If I were you I would get really, really excited...about the life you are about to start without him. thanks go for it, what do you have to lose?

Cluffyflump Thu 29-Aug-13 00:08:05

God he sounds cruel.
Get rid for your sons sake as much as your own.

nomorelostweekends Thu 29-Aug-13 00:20:34

I don't normally post on the relationships board but he sounds utterly vile. You deserve so much better. And so does your ds. I am so very sorry that he has made you feel this is what you are worth. I promise you he is wrong. He is abusive, manipulative and does not deserve you. Sending love and hope for a better future.

I'm so shocked at your OP. What an excuse for a life you're living with this dreadful thing. I can't call him your dear anything he's hideous.

Who've you told in RL?

Bogeyface Thu 29-Aug-13 01:47:11

When a man says that no one else would put with you, he is actually talking about himself. What he really means is "I cannot believe that someone so clever, funny, kind and beautiful is putting up with a piece of shit like me".

Custardmiteofglut Thu 29-Aug-13 05:37:04

He sounds like an utter shite.

The swearing/shouting, lack of affection and financial abuse, to name just 3 things from your OP are bad enough, but when combined with everything else makes for a whole package of misery.

What do you get out of this relationship?

Are you his wife or are you his maid/bank account/child minder?

Your know its not right because you're posting here. You have the power to change how you behave - why not start with a crash diet, losing 15 stone of useless flesh and bone that is your 'D'H.

You deserve so much better.

Cavoodle Thu 29-Aug-13 05:55:18

You are not mad, this is absolutely awful, abnormal behaviour on his part.

Ask yourself very carefully "What does he bring to my life? What does he do for me as a partner? Does he make he happy?"

Now re-read your post.

Can you see ANYTHING positive in what you have written? Other than the existence of your son and the fact that he is all you have ever known?

There is not a shred of evidence from what you have written that he cares about you in anyway whatsoever. You are worth so much more than what this man has done to you. Please, please leave him, for your sake and your son's.

ElaineVintage Thu 29-Aug-13 06:48:08

Please leave this horrible man. Please. x

Ledkr Thu 29-Aug-13 06:58:33

Oh come on! You know what you have to do. What precisely would you miss if you left?

Do you think he will get nicer during the next 20 years?

No, nor do I. sad

He is a tosspot

toriap2 Thu 29-Aug-13 07:15:48

It seems he is so scared of you leaving and realising what a tosser he is, that he is trying to grind you down so much that you will stay. He sounds very insecure and a complete knob. As people have said, not everyone will have fallen for his act and they are probably very worried about you it don't know how to say it in case they are wrong. My advice would be to go and have a happy life with your son.

You are not mad. He's the mad one here.

You must leave him asap before he does any more damage, he's done more than enough already. Womens Aid can and will help you here; you need to take the first and often the most hardest of steps, to call them. You have already taken a baby step by writing on here so you've done another hard bit.

He regards your child as a possession, this person does not know the meaning of the word love.

This person has systematically taken you and destroyed every fibre of your very being. It will take some considerable times, years even, to recover from him. I was not totally surprised to see that you met him at 19 when you had no real life experience behind you, he hit paydirt when he met you and you fell for his charm and flattery. This is likely also because no-one else to that date had really paid any attention to you.

BrianButterfield Thu 29-Aug-13 07:26:13

So you pay for everything do everything round the house, have no sex or affection and he talks to you like shit.

Hmm, what exactly would the difference be without him? Oh yeah, he wouldn't get to talk to you like shit. Seems like you'd have more money without subsidising him, you wouldn't have to make his sodding breakfast and you'd be happier. Another one who is not a LTB-er but this is a no-brainer.

Oh, and your family? Probably suspect what a nob end he is already, no matter what he tells them. I know in my family we've never been surprised at people splitting up and we were usually glad.

ThereGoesTheYear Thu 29-Aug-13 07:34:16

You poor thing. What a cruel man he is. You won't believe how nice your life can be until you leave/get him to leave.
People are smarter than you think. They won't all have been fooled by his PR, as you'll learn when you separate and you hear 'we never really liked him anyway'.
He may love his son, but really, what sort of love is it that allows him to not hug his son just because he's fallen out with you? Do you want your son to grow up with this behaviour? No good can come of sharing a house with this vile man.
You sound lovely and bright and capable. Speak to someone IRL - call Women's Aid as you are most definitely being abused.
You're going to be alright. Your life with your beloved son is going to be glorious. But you have to screw up your courage and separate from this vile man.

CelticPromise Thu 29-Aug-13 07:48:22

He sounds vile. Don't waste any more of your life on him. You only get one, and so does your son.

Yuck. Cock lodging cunt.

ofmiceandmen Thu 29-Aug-13 08:11:19

OK I think it's unanimous - He's an utter sh*t

What about practical solutions - I think OP is perhaps crying out for help (after all, by the time most of post - we have tried everything we can possibly think of).

OP - financials: you need to start saving up and getting your credit situation sorted.

Cut back on expenditure that is not directly linked to you and DC.

Cut and sky subscriptions and if need be get a small 15 inch TV and sell off the one you have. DC will still enjoy it Partner will not

Turn your life around and begin to enjoy being you again. Give him responsibilities with child care etc thus allowing for more you time and time to get your head around things.

Exit plan. Look at family support etc and make moves in that direction. so you have a team ready for when if you decide to leave.

Hence forth - life is about your and DC's happiness. Time to put that armour on to protect you from his little snipes, and time to look forward.

The MN big guns will come with more female orientated advice - that a humble chap can't possibly think off.

(FYI I went through pretty much this, so I can empathise. - depression or otherwise - this is who your partner is now, forget all previous versions of him. you can't fix him, but he can destroy you)

Good luck

Svrider Thu 29-Aug-13 08:17:42

I think something another poster said on a different thread is really relevant

This is the best it's going to get
It can only get worse

Think about that for a while

Is this really what you want from your life and for that of your son?

Nothing will change unless you change it

Wishing you strength OP

TheBakeryQueen Thu 29-Aug-13 08:23:46

Please get the idea out of your head that he loves your son. If he truly loved your son, he would treat the mother of his child with respect. He's nurture you so that you can nurture his baby.

He is not normal, I think the only person he loves is himself.

You sound clever & articulate & a wonderful mum. You just need to get away from him. You need some good legal advice to get him out of the house. Don't be too nice. From now on make him pay for your son. Legally, and morally, he has to.

Be a good role model to your son. Don't let him grow up seeing his dad treat his mum like crap. He will think its normal.

TheBakeryQueen Thu 29-Aug-13 08:39:50

And please read the Lundy Bancroft book 'why does he do that?'. It will make you see him for what he is & realise that not only are you not mad, but that he is unlikely to change.

It's not you, it's him.

LoisPuddingLane Thu 29-Aug-13 08:50:17

Please find the strength to leave this man. Out there somewhere is a life without all this shit. flowers

When I left ExH (who was charm personified) I was worried about telling my mum as I thought she'd be disappointed. She gave me a massive hug and told me she was really proud of me, as he was a complete arse. To be frank, you deserve much better, you have nothing to lose, and the sooner you get rid of him, the better. It might be hard at first, but give it a year or two and you will be incredibly happy with your child and wondering why you didn't ltb before XXx

Please leave him, your life doesn't have to be like this. It sounds awful.

Xenadog Thu 29-Aug-13 09:07:43

Everyone has said LTB and whilst I agree I do wonder, OP if you feel up to it. It seems to me that you have allowed this man to destroy your confidence, happiness and self-belief and I think you need some of this back to help you garner the strength to indeed LTB.

I wonder if getting in touch with your doctor, a solicitor or even women's aid (or all 3) would help you to organise a plan and strength for how to leave.

I suggest you also talk to family and friends about this as well so you don't feel on your own. They won't have believed everything this twat has said about you when putting you down and they may already be worried about you and your dc.

You really will be happier without this millstone around your neck but you need to stand up to him now and stand up for you and your dc. xxx

bibliomania Thu 29-Aug-13 09:09:57

Oh, there's no doubt that you should LTB. As clearcut a case as I've seen.

You said he's all you've ever known, so before you start getting into the details of your exit plan, I think it's worth spending a bit of time fantasizing about the life you could have without him. Imagine just you and your son, nobody putting you down. You can watch what you like on the tv, you can develop your friendships, you don't have to make someone a cooked breakfast on the weekend, ffs! Instead you can stay in bed longer and cuddle your baby. You can arrange the house how you like, eat what you like, express any opinion you like.

If you can start to imagine this other, better life waiting for you, you can start getting the logistics in place. It seems almost impossible, and then suddenly you find yourself doing it, and then it's done, and you're free. There's all sorts of self-doubt at the start and panic in case you've made the wrong decision, but then one morning you wake up and realize that a massive weight has been lifted off you. Really, you actually feel physically different. There is such a better life waiting for you and your son!

OctopusPete8 Thu 29-Aug-13 09:15:27

He sounds like a complete waste of space I'm struggling to understand why both of you are there tbh, he probably likes all his cooking,cleaning done etc.
I'm surprised you haven't left before poor thing, LTB definitely.

SirRaymondClench Thu 29-Aug-13 09:32:53

Shadow you say no-one would believe you. I believe you.
Please start formulating a plan to leave. You can do this.
For your son's sake. And yours xxx

Ruprekt Thu 29-Aug-13 09:41:15

Imagine being in a 2 bedroomed and your son.

Peace and quiet, listening to music you want to listen to, cleaning when you want to, eating what you want to eat and watching programmes you want to watch.

No shouting, cursing, abuse.smilesmile

You do not have to live like this. You can afford to leave him so just do it and be happy. He will not change.

And you can make new friends. Pack up his stuff and throw him out.


MoreThanWords Thu 29-Aug-13 09:42:43


And make a new, happy 'normal'.

SirRaymondClench Thu 29-Aug-13 09:45:17

I know Shadow needs to get her head around what she needs to do, in fact by posting here, I think she knows what she needs to do.
But is there a document or something of things to do to LTB?
I mean practical steps to take, useful numbers/sites etc.
It can be overwhelming at the best of times sorting stuff out but if you have emotional stuff to deal with too I should imagine it's like wading through treacle.
Is there a document like this?
It would be really useful for when someone has made that decision but isn't sure what is possible or where to find help.

scallopsrgreat Thu 29-Aug-13 09:50:35

Oh sweetheart I could weep for you. Your username recognises where you are and what this man has done to you. He is a lying, gaslighting, manipulative abuser. Even his good points aren't that good or only on his terms, including 'loving' your son. Witty?? That is the best thing you can say about him sad

Agree with everyone else try looking at formulating a plan to leave. I can virtually guarantee once you start making plans for yourself and your son that your self-esteem will start coming back and once you leave your confidence will grow again.

This man adds nothing to your life. Instead he is sucking it right out of you. Please don't let him do this any more. You and your son are worth far more than this man.

picnicbasketcase Thu 29-Aug-13 09:52:25

I could cry just reading that, so god only knows how bad you must feel. It sounds like he has systematically tried to destroy everything in your life outside of the home - friends and family 'worked on' to get them on his side, any other people slated to make you feel like you've no-one else to go to. He sounds like a total and utter abusive cunt.

Please please get yourself and your baby away from him.

I've been thinking of you. I hope you're ok?

CeliaFate Thu 29-Aug-13 10:02:27

He sounds horrendous. You know you've got to leave him. Don't give him a chance to apologise and get you back (which I suspect he'll be desperate for once you've gone).

I very rarely post on these threads, but as everyone else had said...what is there to stay for? What does him being in your life give you? Please find the strength to LTB. From what I understand about the wonders of MN if you says the words "How?" Or "Help" you will be given as much support as you need.

Wishing you strength and an un-MN-hug as it must feel like bereavement to realise this has to be over. brew

Shadow, I thought "gaslighting" as soon as I read the title of your thread and it seems you know it yourself. I was in a similar position to you a year ago, only not actually as bad. I LTB in December and it's been bloody great! I urge you to do likewise.

theboutiquemummy Thu 29-Aug-13 10:34:08

He's got you in Slavery and that was abolished years ago

He can't possibly love your son if he treats you like this

Your are my first LTB I've reserved it for an extreme case

Call women's aid please you are a human being and you have a right to live without fear and abuse

Foxred10 Thu 29-Aug-13 10:39:28

Wow. I cannot think of a single thing in your life that would not improve if he was removed from it. He is a nasty, bullying, entitled, cruel prick and you and your son deserve a million times better.

neolara Thu 29-Aug-13 10:46:42

He sounds absolutely vile. I'm sorry you're living like this. I know he's ground you down, but you absolutely can leave him. And as others have said, I'm sure as soon as you do, you will discover that your family and friends think he's a arse of the highest order.

TwoStepsBeyond Thu 29-Aug-13 11:03:31

Agree with everyone especially TightForTime. I too left for far less serious behaviour than you are experiencing. My family had no idea how depressed I was, but once I was 'back' they realised just how much living with him had brought me down. My confidence is back, my DCs are happier and even XH is happier, so we've all benefitted.

It won't be easy to make the leap, but with some proper planning to give you the strength and courage to leave, you will be fine. There's no need to do it today or tomorrow, but just get things sorted out, find out where you stand financially and look for somewhere to go. Don't tell him anything, cover your tracks and have a look on the 'support for those in EA relationships' threads for inspiration and understanding.

You deserve a good happy life for you and your DS, you won't get that if you stay. X

RabbitFromAHat Thu 29-Aug-13 11:07:49

You're not remotely mad, he's a chronic arsehole, and you won't know yourself once you've gotten rid of him. Your life will be so so so so much easier. And I would be very surprised if some people (friends, family) aren't already aware that he isn't the paragon of delightfulness he paints himself as. These pricks are never quite as convincing as they think.

Plan, plan, plan. See where you stand legally and financially, but get out. Doesn't it chill your blood to imagine your beautiful little boy being trained to act like that? Because that's what will happen if you stay any longer.

Hegsy Thu 29-Aug-13 11:15:20

I hope your ok OP and taking everything in that everyone has said.

ofmice made some really good points and suggestions.

Please start making an exit strategy. Your son is still young imagine in a few years both of them treating you like this because he's learnt from his father.

Please get out you deserve so much better flowers

Norem Thu 29-Aug-13 11:20:12

OP I never post this but leave him.
You will flourish without his nasty negative influence.
Let your solicitor deal with the debt issue.
Please ask around and get a good family law accredited solicitor.
You can make a much happier life for you and your little one, keep talking xxxxxxxxxx

TheBakeryQueen Thu 29-Aug-13 11:24:48

What area do you live in? I would be more than happy to provide moral support & a friendly ear! I have an 11mth old baby & will be starting toddler groups again soon (when term starts) so I'd be more than happy to meet you!

I'm in the West Midlands.

Wherever you are I'm certain there'd be offers of moral support.

shadowofmyself Thu 29-Aug-13 11:30:13

Thank you. Thank you all for validating me and giving such great advice. I'm taking it all on board and need to gather strength to rebuild and on a practical level, save to leave. We just moved in the last month, so I have no money. He's still not spoken to me or my son. I feel numb, tired and full of contempt. I'm going to get out for a few hours, get some air. Thanks again, this means so much.


Write him a little note telling him you are leaving him because he is an utter c*nt.

Do a little list for him of all he gets from you in terms of jobs around the house, you having his child and the financial support and counter it with all you get from him. Finish it with 'get my drift you abusive arsehole' and leave.

Go anywhere, a rented flat, a bloody bedsit. Go cuddle your baby and just look after you and him and breathe, shout, scream, run around in the nude whilst shouting and screaming but reclaim you from this utter bastard.

You have to leave honey for your sanity but also so your little boy doesn't grow up thinking this is an acceptable way to treat women.

Am in NE Essex if you need someone to lean on.

bibliomania Thu 29-Aug-13 11:48:11

Talk to Women's Aid about making an exit plan.

Ring around local solicitors asking if they do a free 30-min advice session - try a few.

In terms of where you go, have you any family members who could take you in for a bit?

In terms of saving to leave, yes, if you have to do so then it makes sense. It sounds as if he might deliberately be reducing your access to money because unconsiously/consciously he knows you won't stay if you have other options. Who would? That's why I said to look into other options. If you could stay with someone for a couple of months, you'd have your salary to put towards a rental deposit. It's okay if the first place you move into isn't great - it's just till you get on your feet financially again. It's good that you have a job and earning capacity.

Make sure you all have the necessary docs incl. yours and your ds's passports and information about finances, including any evidence about how your money has been spent on him, and any evidence of his salary.

Keep a diary - it will stiffen your resolve to leave and may be good evidence if it comes to a dispute over child residence (although he sounds too lazy to be likely to want to do much childcare).

mammadiggingdeep Thu 29-Aug-13 11:55:15

You'll feel better immediately. Please, please ltb!

BatwingsAndButterflies Thu 29-Aug-13 12:29:18

Since the house is where your son lives you should be able to kick him out? Do you rent or own? May be more difficult if you have a joint tenancy but if you own you should be able to stay put until DS is 18 as long as you can afford the mortgage.

WRT finances, do you have access to his bank statements? If you do, make copies/printouts of everything. Run yourself and him a credit check and that should tell you about any debts you don't know about.

Try and move money into your own accounts if possible.

Get yourself to a solicitor and you can have a free half hour consultation on separation and divorce. Meet a few until you find someone you are comfortable with, they will be supporting you through this.

Get a counsellor, possibly with Relate, go alone and don't tell your husband. Joint counselling is not recommended for abusive relationships.

Only tell him that the relationship is ending when you have everything in place. Aim to get him out as soon as humanly possible after telling him. Remember, this is your son's home and he must leave not you as primary caregiver.

If you feel unsafe around him, get someone to be with you when you tell him. Leaving is the most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship.

Good luck and Godspeed.

shadowofmyself Thu 29-Aug-13 14:17:26

My family are four hours drive away. I took my baby and me to the park to get some air and I called my mum for a chat and explained I wasn't happy - she just said there was nothing she could say other than it's bad timing on my part as we've just bought the house. So. That's that.

I have no one nearby other than his family and I don't want to involve them.

Batwings, some good suggestions there, I'll phone round some firms for legal advice.

I really don't want to leave our house - I think he should go.

bibliomania Thu 29-Aug-13 15:13:12

Hmm, not very helpful of your mum.

Good to explore the option of getting him to leave then.

Yes he should go.

Your mum should be more supportive. Although when I was splitting from exdh mine wasn't. She can be quite narrow minded sometimes.

As far as kicking him out I don't think you can do that? You're both entitled to live there.

Lweji Thu 29-Aug-13 16:14:34

I know you'll all say to ltb and that's what I'd say if I was reading this too. He's all I've ever known though.

Yes, LTB.

I'm sure he's not all you've ever known and not your normal.
He's just what you had to cope with.

Do get legal advice, and any other practical advice you can get.

If you are in the UK, get in contact with Women's Aid and CAB.

I suspect he won't let you go easily. sad

OctopusPete8 Thu 29-Aug-13 16:55:02

So you can't even stay to clear your head a bit? your mums shit!!! sorry to be so blunt.

shadowofmyself Thu 29-Aug-13 17:01:02

This is the whole thing of no one believing me, of people believing that I'm over reacting and high maintenance. It's a frighteningly lonely place to be.

Back home from the park now as a frisbee landed on baby. Husband still not speaking or looking at me but has managed to cuddle baby and give him a bath.

Feeling very sad and deflated. He's back at work tomorrow, it will be easier to make some calls then.

You are not mad.

He is more than just a tosspot.

You will be better off without him, I hope you stay strong and leave soon. You deserve so much better.

People will believe you.

Snatchoo Thu 29-Aug-13 17:12:16

shadow - I feel so sad for you.

I mean this in the nicest possible way, but you do know that people break up for no other reason than they just don't love each other anymore? There doesn't have to be an element of assigning blame. It's ok to do that, and it's also ok to not want to share everything (although actually I think it might be good for you to do that, with a trusted friend or two).

Get legal advice, call WA, speak with friends.

and until you actually do leave, do not make him another lunch or cooked breakfast or dinner. In fact, don't do anything for him. The bastard.

Can you just get in the car and drive to your mums now?Just leave a note for him saying you are going to visit your mum for a few days. Then do all your research there.

Pawprint Thu 29-Aug-13 17:17:43

Just read the OP's first post and not the replies, but this man sounds like a cold hearted bully.

It is not normal to treat one's partner with such contempt.

His anger and indifference are not normal. You and your son deserve better.

His drinking is a serious problem.

I really hope you find a better life for you and your child.

I can't believe the way he treated you during your labour and after your section hmm

His "good" points are pretty scant and, no matter how he comes across to others, he is a cruel and nasty.

Tiredemma Thu 29-Aug-13 17:19:42

Ive only read the OP.

he is an abusive cunt

Pawprint Thu 29-Aug-13 17:26:02

Your mum is a bit like my mum - not always thoughtful. She's probably not taking on board what you are saying but women have left partners for reasons that are good but your situation is intolerable.

So he cuddled and bathed his own baby? Big fucking deal. He's still an ignorant and abusive bully and a you deserve better.

summerbreezer Thu 29-Aug-13 18:33:30

You know, this is why I love Mumsnet. There is a woman who is at rock bottom, who feels like she has nobody in the world.

Yet here there is an army of 50, 100, 150 women saying "you have me".

We believe you, Shadow. We believe that you and DS deserve to be happy.

You have a tough road ahead, but we will be here the whole way.

Stepinstone Thu 29-Aug-13 18:40:11

You sounded so like me, describing my marriage a few years ago, that I actually checked afterthe first few paras to see if I was reading an old post of mine! Right down to not rubbing my back during labour!!

I left. He's been a total bastard since which just makes me sure I did the right thing.

I'm now with someone else who holds my hands and runs me baths and literally strokes my back for hours and hours in the evenings while talking gently to me. He is the kindest man in the world.

Get out. Build your own life. Find out what you like and don't like. Don't look back. Xxx

Stepinstone Thu 29-Aug-13 18:44:23

Mine refused to leave and said he would kill himself if I made him leave. So I left. He has shafted me financially though.

No one believes me either. Lots of people thought I was mad to leave. Mine is v successful in his work life. Everyone thinks he's charming.

But I will never regret leaving!!

shadowofmyself Thu 29-Aug-13 19:06:30

Stepinstone, thank you for sharing. It's reassuring to hear of light at the end of the tunnel. Am currently cuddling my son and still getting the silent treatment.

I believe you shadow. I also believe that you and DS will not only survive but flourish when you are free from this man.

Scarletohello Thu 29-Aug-13 19:11:52

You are brave and strong. Take your time and make your plan to leave him. Hes not going to change and you and your son are worth more than this. There's a lot of help out there. Use the help and MN to get out and build a better life. Many women have done it and you can too!

Shadow, is the silent treatment the fallout of the washing line incident yesterday morning?

Sawdust Thu 29-Aug-13 19:17:26

I don't usually post here - others are better qualified to give advice, but what jumped out at me was the fact that you are scared of leaving because this is 'normal'.

That makes sense - I get that. But whatever happens you must be strong and find yourself a new normal that isn't so soul destroying. You sound lovely. Good luck. thanks

chubbychipmonk Thu 29-Aug-13 19:22:48

Agree with everyone else I'm afraid. . You really should leave him! He sounds like a total knob!

Easier said than done but really you've wasted too much of your life already on this wanker.

You & your little boy deserve so much more thanks

angeltattoo Thu 29-Aug-13 19:47:11

You do not deserve to be treated this way.

You are intelligent, articulate, loving, kind and caring. You are a wonderful mother and will be all your son will ever need. It's ok that until now, you have not realised how bad things are. But you have a son now. Gather your courage and do right by yourself and your baby - you both deserve it. You and your son could be so happy.

I always wish that people in similar situations to you could come and live in my house for a week. If you could see how my DH and I are; equal partners, equal parents, who feel loved and appreciated by each other. No big gestures - just lots of little ones i.e. try not to disturb the other if they are sleeping, bringing them a cup of tea to bed, a hug or kiss in passing, one bathing the baby while the other cooks. Appreciating what the other does, even - no, especially - the mundane things such as emptying the bins.

I can only imagine how scary it must feel to be saying what you are saying out loud - but there is always support, understanding and a hand to hold here.

Be brave - imagine yourself a year down the line, free from him and the obnoxious cloud he hangs over you, happy with your son.

As and for no one else would want you how fucking dare he say that lots of people have been where you are, go on to find happiness alone, and then share that happiness with a deserving partner

shadowofmyself Thu 29-Aug-13 19:59:40

Fetchez, yes - pathetic isn't it?

angeltattoo Thu 29-Aug-13 20:00:44

As my mum always used to say, nothing is undoable.

Not a marriage, not a house sale.

Women's aid should hopefully be a practical first step, but I am also in the Midlands and would meet you anytime (have a baby too) to listen to and believe you. Honestly, just to listen in RL if it would help.

That really is. On top of all the other shit, like pushing you to do too much too soon after the C section, waking you up to make his fucking breakfast on a weekend, ignoring you when you have the temerity to speak to him and shouting you down if you happen to say something he disagrees with. He acts like it's 1948 and you're bloody lucky to have a husband at all!

angry on your behalf.

SugarMiceInTheRain Thu 29-Aug-13 20:47:59

I don't post much in Relationships, but seriously, if I were you, I wouldn't waste another minute with this guy. sad

shadowofmyself Fri 30-Aug-13 09:19:43

So, he's gone off to work and still hasn't said a word to me. We have his family coming round tonight - should prove interesting!

CeliaFate Fri 30-Aug-13 09:28:02

I'd go out tonight. Let him deal with his family.

You have made the first step in posting here, I hope it's really clear that the way he is acting is not acceptable or normal. You and your son are worth so much more.

I'm in Oxfordshire with a 6mo if you want a pal to meet up with for a laugh, a chat and a cuppa.

bibliomania Fri 30-Aug-13 09:46:29

In response to those who're saying don't make his breakfast/leave him to deal with his family - I would just add that if YOU decide it's safer, there's nothing wrong with keeping your head down and playing the compliant wifey while you're steadily and methodically putting in place your plans to leave. Don't ever think there's a way you "should" be or that it's in any way your fault for not being more assertive or whatever.

You are never going to flourish in this relationship. Your dc is not going to flourish in this home environment. It's really just a question of the logistics of leaving.

shadowofmyself Fri 30-Aug-13 10:22:56

Thank you again for all the support - I have two free half hours booked with local solicitors next week and have gathered all of our identity docs etc into one place. I think I will have to sit tight for a bit until I can get done cash behind me, but there's been some fabulous advice here for which I feel truly grateful.

Starting to feel a teensy bit empowered now!

Great to hear smile Keep it up you're worth it as is your little one x

Solo Fri 30-Aug-13 11:04:33

That's excellent news! smile

bibliomania Fri 30-Aug-13 11:05:52

Fab! It's amazing how starting to take action can help you get past that hopeless and helpless feeling. Best of luck!

Ruprekt Fri 30-Aug-13 11:09:23

Dont stay in and entertain his family....let him do it!

AnyFucker Fri 30-Aug-13 11:12:27

I am speechless.

Have a look here OP and please take concrete steps to get you and your dc away from this horrific excuse for a man.

cls77 Fri 30-Aug-13 11:18:54

You are me one year ago, I kicked my H out after 15 years of exactly the same. Our dd is 11 and he doesn't provide for her even now, he is pathetic and you are better off without him. Yes it will be hard, as he has made you feel it is you but this doesn't last long, as for your friends, if they're like mine their true opinions come out once you've left him (wish you'd done it sooner was one friends response!!)
Good luck x

mistlethrush Fri 30-Aug-13 11:20:02

At the solicitors, I would suggest that its really important to raise the issue of a) the house and b) the debts you have because you've been taking on all the financial problems - including his car maintenance.

Can you ring WA and get any further information and assistance from them?

Ledkr Fri 30-Aug-13 14:25:42

Op. what makes you think this relationship is remotely normal?
People just don't live like this they really don't.
A lovely life awaits you, you just have to take it.

angeltattoo Sat 31-Aug-13 10:06:35

How was last night shadow?

Did he behave when his family were around?

How are you doing?

shadowofmyself Sat 31-Aug-13 14:11:46

Hi, well he's speaking to me again. Had to really when his family were here and some had traveled quite a way so didn't want an atmosphere around them. I think he thinks it's all OK now - and it so, so isn't.

Onwards and upwards.

happywanderingwithdog Sat 31-Aug-13 16:16:18

Oh my, just read your thread and am horrified for you. My advice? Get those finances sorted, they are the key to your freedom. And luckily as he is out at work all week you've got plenty of planning time. If you're going to stick around, play it clever to win the long game. Don't let him have any inklings of what you're up to.

And your mother, dear god, what to say? If you were MY daughter I'd have got straight in the car to come and get you both. Perhaps she didn't understand the full picture? Is it worth writing/emailing her?

Make sure you change the passwords on all your online accounts too just in case. Always worth being a bit paranoid!

Jux Sat 31-Aug-13 19:15:10

I wonder if you've been a bit self-effacing with your mother? Did you tell her in detail how unhappy you are, why you are, what he's like, how little he contributes emotionally and financially? If you minimised, in other words; which is something I suspect you do a fair bit of, when talking about your own unhappiness, and probably your h's unpleasantness too.

If that is what happened, do you think it would be worth printing off your op and sending it to her, or to another member of your family?

He does sound exceptionally unpleasant, and I do wonder whether your childhood had a similar sort of figure in it, but that's by the bye for now.

He's done right number on you anyway. I, too, am willing to bet that he hasn't pulled the wool over nearly many so people's eyes as you think, and that you'll be surprised how many people will come crawling out of the woodwork giving you support once he's out of your life.

Meanwhile, I think you definitely need rl support too. Please ring Women's Aid. They are great for supporting women who are being abused, and make no mistake, you are.

Ruprekt Sun 01-Sep-13 21:08:25


Gosh, shadow. You are incredibly strong for having lived like this for so long and still having that spark in you! fantastic.
Don't believe his nice act again, I'm sure you wont, just saying it for reinforcement!
Sell your house. Honestly, to get away from this utter waste of space will be worth any money in the world. I'm in such a crap financial position, partly due to my x, I have NO income whatsoever. But it's still great. It's worth it because there is a bright future ahead where I can do what I please for education and work, and I can spend the money we do have on other things than booze and fags.
For you it will be a huge burden off your shoulders, as he does not seem to contribute one penny, in fact the total opposite.
Seconding all others who've said call WA or a domestic abuse line if you have a local one. They are usually also very good at practical advice, and some are able to meet up with you in RL too, this is certainly the case if you happen to be in Surrey. It's a big thing to get one's head around but it is worth it.

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