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Normal to feel better so quickly?

(34 Posts)
RollerCola Mon 26-Aug-13 10:18:44

My husband & I decided to separate 6 weeks ago. Before that I was depressed, anxious, extremely stressed & emotional. I asked the dr before we actually split for anti-depressants but didn't take them straight away.

Once we'd made the decision to separate I felt immediate relief, but my emotions went through the roof & all of the above symptoms got even worse. I knew it was the right decision but I couldn't cope with the emotional stress of it all. I started taking the tablets to try to stabilise them so I could make all the practical decisions that needed to be addressed.

6 weeks on I feel like a new woman! Stbex is still at home but we've made all the decisions about money etc, told everyone who needs to know and I'm now thinking about & planning my new life. All the stress has lifted, I'm not anxious or depressed & my head is clear.

It just feels a bit unnatural, like the tablets are masking something. Should it all be feeling this good so quickly?! Don't get me wrong I'm very very grateful that I feel so much better - it just feels a bit weird telling people I'm getting divorced after 20 yrs with such a big smile on my face!

comingintomyown Mon 26-Aug-13 10:25:36

Dont want to burst your bubble but it probably wont last , your NN is close to what lies ahead - a rollercoaster of emotions

My experience was similar for a few months . Elation that is was finally over then devastated that it was all over

Numberlock Mon 26-Aug-13 10:28:00

Why is he still at home?

purplewithred Mon 26-Aug-13 10:29:57

I was the one who instigated our split after a long buildup: I felt better immediately, as if a huge weight had been lifted. The next year or so were extremely stressful but despite this at an underlying level I felt much more positive. It never changed - I never experienced the devastation Coming experienced.

So really it could go either way for you.

RollerCola Mon 26-Aug-13 10:32:29

That's what I'm worried about, I'm expecting a big crash soonhmm. He's still at home because he wants us to sort out the financial consent order (I'm buying him out) before leaving. That's the bit that's very uncomfortable but I'm hoping he'll be out very soon.

FloraSpreadableMacDonald Mon 26-Aug-13 10:33:43

I think until your stbex leaves the house and you have no contact, only then will you feel the true extent of your feelings.

Numberlock Mon 26-Aug-13 10:34:13

How soon is very soon?

RollerCola Mon 26-Aug-13 10:34:42

Hopefully in the next 2-3 wks.

Neeliethere Mon 26-Aug-13 10:37:34

I felt like that the weeks after I moved out. Feeling a bit down now some four months on. Be careful.

However, my main stressor was finding out that he had been seeing someone else for up to a year before I moved out. He had always insisted it was just about me not letting him do as he pleased with regards to sport etc. I had no idea it there was other women involved. By the time I discovered this I had been out of the family home for about 3 months.

I had moved out because we were constantly arguing and he would shout and follow me round the house shouting and continuing an argument that could not be resolved.

I thought I was doing the right thing for our daughter as the arguments were happening on a daily basis. I then felt really stupid and that he had deliberately driven me out to give him the freedom he so craved but didn't have the balls to move out himself. A very low down dirty trick in my opinion.

I discovered this about 4 weeks ago. Had complete melt down. Was offered tablets by the doctor but have decided against taking them. This is mainly because I don't eat properly when stressed and I found the tablets made me very sick and woozy. I would not have been able to work under those conditions and the last thing I need is to lose my job!!

My marriage, although stormy, was for 20 years too. I feel very lost and lonely sometimes but that seems more centred around not having my daughter with me all the time, about 60% of the time I would say, and not being in the house I loved and put so much effort into making a lovely family home. He is very indifferent to anything family or home related. It sickens me to see him enjoying all the little DIY and garden things I've done over the years. Also to see how much the house is looking neglected. But my hurt doesn't seem about him if I'm being honest.

I am in a lovely house that I've made comfortable to my standard that is not compromised to his standard. That makes me feel I could never fit in with anything that he is involved with again.

But yes, in answer to your question, i felt pretty elated for the first two months and then reality did kick in a bit. I'm looking forward to feeling better in a couple of months or so. Fingers crossed.

slipperySlip000 Mon 26-Aug-13 10:41:39

Hi Roller, I split with XH seven weeks ago. I feel amazing! At the time I felt a huge weight had lifted, yet with an underlying level of stress and upset. h moved out straight away and was very tearful. Now things have settled. I still feel vastly better than I have done for years. I started taking antidepressants in April (thought I was just generally depressed from the stress of working and family life and kids with SEN difficulties - funny how nothing seems as hard now h has gone!). These antidepressants can give you the perspective you need to get things done and see things more clearly but IME they don't fix everything or make everything vastly different than it is (my XH was on antidepressants due to his anger but this gradually returned and ultimately nothing really changed, hence I kicked him out!). You are probably feeling justifiably better and the meds are just helping you keep perspective and do what needs to be done. Perhaps we'll both crash soon: but certainly I don't feel like I'm about to crash. I am really looking after myself now in a way I've never been able to since the kids came along. I am seeing GP soon re: coming off the meds as I really don't feel I need them now.

aliciaflorrick Mon 26-Aug-13 10:45:06

I've never felt devastation, the day I found out my STExH was having an affair and was leaving I literally felt the weight of the world lift from my shoulders, the relief was immense. Everyone around me, friends and family were more shocked and upset than I was, I had a huge smile when I told everyone we were splitting after 20 years together, 17 of them married. I've had a few sleepless nights but I've not shed a tear over the end of my marriage.

He's done some terrible things to me in the last year which make me very angry towards him, the children are definitely second fiddle to his life with the OW, only seeing them when it suits, refusing to help me because he has other plans. This has cultivated my anger toward him, and depending on what he has done I swing between anger and antipathy. But to be honest this last year has been one of the best of my life, I've said it before, I'm a new woman, I smile these days, I have a life. OK yes times can be hard, I've got two DCs one with ASD but I don't have the feeling of blackness and heaviness that I was carrying round with me during my marriage. If your marriage had run its course and you were happy to end it this may be it, just a feeling of relief that it's all over. I don't think you necessarily have to feel despair if you were trapped in an unhappy marriage.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 26-Aug-13 11:26:06

6 months on I'm waiting for a crash. It hasn't come. I've had very sad days, very angry days but actually an under lying feeling of relief. I havent had a day where Ive felt I just can't cope with what's happened. I've had a positive vibe the whole time....obviously some days it gets buried under other emotions but it's defo been there the while time.
Hopefully you will continue to feel tje way you do.....
Good luck smile

An awful lot of the time what is diagnosed as 'depression/anxiety' in women is actually the result of living with a shit man. So once you are rid of him, your mental health will improve noticeably - even if he proceeds to behave badly over the separation, you're still not having to live with him and service him domestically or sexually.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 26-Aug-13 11:49:42

Neeliethere- do you jointly own your house??? Why have you left?? If u now know he was cheating on you, why dint you return and tell him to go. I know it would be a stressful thing to do but really....he us a shit if the highest order to have driven you from your home.....

mammadiggingdeep Mon 26-Aug-13 11:50:18

* is a shit of the highest order.....bloody typos

Helennn Mon 26-Aug-13 11:50:58

Thank you solid, i believe that is true in my case but it is reassuring to see see somebody else say that. Iam suffering with anxiety which i am on medication for, just need to get up the courage to make the jump.

Helennn Mon 26-Aug-13 11:53:00

Dont mean off a cliff by the way smile

mammadiggingdeep Mon 26-Aug-13 11:55:38

Helenn......make the jump. If you are anything like me, your head will clear almost immediately...it was like an actual weight had been lifted.....

Helennn Mon 26-Aug-13 12:11:47

Thanks mamma, i think it would for me too. Still bloody difficult though!

mammadiggingdeep Mon 26-Aug-13 12:18:23

Absolutely....been the most difficult time of my life....still is. I worry for my DD and hate it when my 3 year old wales up and the first thing she asks is "is daddy coming today?". However, I just know it's for the best. I feel better even though it's a hard time. Nothing worth having comes easy....and having a peaceful, happy, contented life is worth having. Just got to feel the fear and do it any way.....if/when you decide the time is right make sure you post on here. It got me through my first week.....the support keeps you going. Good luck xxxxx

mammadiggingdeep Mon 26-Aug-13 12:19:43

Somebody on here the other day said "life begins at the end of your comfort zone".....cheesy but true. I typed it into my phone on my little list of inspirational quotes...I look at them on my down days......

Helennn Mon 26-Aug-13 12:27:33

All good quotes, thank you. I will write them down for inspiration too.

Was going to my parents today to tell them how bad it is, but they are not in. Thought this would be the first step but will now have to wait for another chance.

H is at golf again today despite me asking him not to. Will be home about 2 and expect me to be pleased he is home to play happy families. Will then prob blame me for not being happy. Vey passive aggressive and ea. i know what i should do, but it never gets "bad enough" to make the jump iykwim!

mammadiggingdeep Mon 26-Aug-13 12:37:23

Telling your parents will be a relief for you....it was for me. They're old school....married 44 years. I thought they'd be disappointed...but first thing my dad said was "well this can't go on- u need to be happy girl!!". I was like you....thought I'd have to make do as was never bad enough but them I discovered he'd been meeting up with someone. Not sure if it was just an ea or had got physical. It didn't matter, it was almost the excuse I needed. Since then, I reflect and realise it was bad enough to have left before, I just didn't see it. For example....you being in a relationship where you're disregarded ie. Going to golf on a bank hol even tho you've asked him not to....it seems normal at the time but on reflection in time you'll see it was a total piss take and not good enough for you. Like my ex, out til 4am drinking when I had an 8 week old....why didn't I go then???? Now I'm embarrassed I put up with it.

Helennn Mon 26-Aug-13 12:41:58

Do you think you would still be there if he hadn't had the affair, or do you think you would have been brave enough to do it regardless?

mammadiggingdeep Mon 26-Aug-13 12:47:16

Eventually I would have done it. Dd2 was only 7 months at the time and honestly I don't think I would have done it then, a 2 year old and a 7 month old made me feel dependant still. I dint know how long it would have dragged on for, maybe another year. I was really unhappy though and knew it wouldn't last. I knew I couldn't live like it forever. What I will say is that I found a stregth I never knew I had.....if I'd known how I would have coped and that we all would be ok I would have done it.
Has your situation always been like this or got worse over time? Mine was when we had children....

Helennn Mon 26-Aug-13 12:48:15

Just going out now, but will check back later. Thanks for talking, sorry for posting and running.

RollerCola Mon 26-Aug-13 12:55:34

Thanks everyone, it's a big help to read your experiences. I do feel a bit in limbo - the future is so unknown it's hard to know how I'm going to feel. But so far I've not had a single doubt, so so far so good.

RollerCola Mon 26-Aug-13 15:29:34

Helenn just wanted to add that I was also completely dreading telling my parents. The journey to their house to tell them was one of the worst things I've ever done but they were (& still are) completely wonderful. They were distraught to find out how awful things have been for me, because I'd never told them. But not once have they questioned me or judged me.

My dad said something v similar to mammas - he said he couldn't bear to see me so unhappy & that nothing was impossible to sort out. My mum's only worry when I turned up with my 'news' was that someone was seriously ill. She said that anything else was completely fixable & they are both fully supportive of everything I do.

Making the jump is hideous, the worst thing you may ever do. But by God the view is wonderful! The more I tell people irl my story the more support I'm getting. People will completely understand & just want you to be happy.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 26-Aug-13 15:52:34

Rollercola.... Have tears reading that. Exactly the same as my experience. I could have written that word for word. Big hugs to you.....wishing us every success on our new adventures xx

RollerCola Mon 26-Aug-13 16:22:19

Mamma, you know that feeling of dread you get when he comes home? And the treading on eggshells that you do when he's around so as not to upset him? That goes! It really does!

RollerCola Mon 26-Aug-13 16:25:18

Sorry mamma, I meant that for helenn. You probably know that already don't you?!

mammadiggingdeep Mon 26-Aug-13 16:58:21

Yep.....I know!!!!!! Did the washing up really badly this morning....no row or sarky comments.....bliss!!!! Welcome to the rest of my life smile)))

RollerCola Tue 27-Aug-13 18:32:56

Oh the joy to not have all the grumping & stroppiness grin. I'm behind you (he's not left yet) but I had a glimpse of my new life last week when I went away for a few days with the kids. It was complete heaven.

saggyhairyarse Tue 27-Aug-13 22:19:58

I split up from my XH 3 years ago and, apart from when I realised that I would never be completely shot of the abusive alcoholic bastard because I had kids with him where I felt 'down' about 6 months after we split, I haven't looked back.

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