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What do you make of his comments about "this friendship"?

(40 Posts)
ConfusedFriend2 Fri 23-Aug-13 21:45:48

He has a long-term live in girlfriend, she is married with a toddler and is pregnant. They have been good friends for many, many years but have also shared a few kisses when they were flatmates at uni when they were both single.

They meet up occasionally for coffee and a chat. The both genuinely enjoy these meetings as they can talk about anything. The thing is that sometimes, when he has been drinking, he sends her messages that are inappropriate. I get the feeling that he is confused about what he feels for her.

Things he has said include:

-she is a very close friend to him, he likes her as a person and wouldn't want to lose the friendship but he also has a strong sexual desire for her that drives him crazy

-nobody has ever gotten under his skin so much and induced feelings of such intensity, whether it is sexual desire, jealousy or affection

-he realises that wanting her in this way is wrong as they are both in relationships but when it comes to her, potential consequences don't register

If you had a friend who told you he feels like this about someone who is not his partner, what would you think? That he is actually in love with this friend but doesn't want to admit it to himself and/or her? Or is it possible to really just want to be friends with somebody while feeling this way about them?

cerealqueen Fri 23-Aug-13 21:53:00

I'd feel very very sorry for his girlfriend, as he is besotted with this other woman. Are you she?

cerealqueen Fri 23-Aug-13 21:53:58

...as in the other woman, the friend?

ConfusedFriend2 Fri 23-Aug-13 22:00:54

No, I am not her. I am a third friend who knows both of them. He has confided in me how he feels about her and I'm quite uneasy about it.

He says that he has every intention of marrying his girlfriend in the future (she is the loveliness personified) but that his feelings for the "OW" are messing with his head. I also feel sorry for his partner but am also worried for him, in the sense that I don't want him to get married out of a sense of obligation. I'm just trying to figure out if I'm the only one who thinks that he might be in denial about his friendship and relationship.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Fri 23-Aug-13 22:13:20

I'd think he was having at the least, and emotional affair, and at the most a physical one. Can you imagine how his girlfriend might feel if she knew the intensity of his feelings towards the "friend" - he loves her (the friend)

ElBombero Fri 23-Aug-13 22:19:59

How does the OW/Friend feel about him?

NatashaBee Fri 23-Aug-13 22:20:33

Ask him if he'd be OK with his long term girlfriend sending those kind of messages to another man.

ConfusedFriend2 Fri 23-Aug-13 22:27:36

I'd be heart broken if I was his girlfriend. I know that he is definitely not having a physical affair. I'm sure he would like to but he has said that he is being held back by concerns about what it would do to the friend's marriage/family. Plus, there's no indication that the friend would be open to an affair.

It's interesting that you say he "loves" the friend because that's how I think about it. The strength of affection and sexual desire, the not being able to stop thinking about her, to me equals "being in love" with someone.

I'm not sure though that he sees it that way or maybe he doesn't want to use the words. I was just wondering whether I'm maybe old-fashioned and it is possible to have all these feelings for somebody and not be in love with them?

bluecheque4595 Fri 23-Aug-13 22:31:15

I would advise him to take a step back from his friendship because it has got confusing and if he acts on his feelings (which may well fade away naturally given time) then he could destroy the happiness he has at the moment. And ruin his gf's life. Wouldn't he rather preserve the friendship and keep the status quo with his gf than risk losing gf and friend when it all goes tits up?

ConfusedFriend2 Fri 23-Aug-13 22:32:05

I don't know how the friend feels. I know her but am not close enough to ask her. To the outside, she seems dedicated to her family but I know that when they were at uni (I was sharing a flat with them), she was head over heels in love with him.

ConfusedFriend2 Fri 23-Aug-13 22:35:07

Yes, I think that advising him to step back from the friendship is right but that would only work if he realises that there is more to the situation than he likes to admit. So far he just thinks that she is a great friend who he can't stop thinking about.

Can I just say "Look friend, I think you are in love with X!"?

JamieandtheMagicTorch Fri 23-Aug-13 22:37:39

This is possibly very exciting for her. Possibly/probably she has no intention of acting on and it feels quite safe for her, it but it's a consoling fantasy when you're pg and with a toddler.

I think I'd be advising him to back off completely as well. She's off limits, and emotionally he is cheating on his girl friend.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Fri 23-Aug-13 22:38:53

X post - yes, I think I would. It's pretty obvious TBH. He might be relieved - I mean he is dropping some heavy hints!

Fairenuff Fri 23-Aug-13 22:45:53

This post is a bit confusing. Which one are you OP?

ConfusedFriend2 Fri 23-Aug-13 22:46:22

So this is not just in my mind and what he is actually trying to say is "Fuck, I think I'm in love with X!" But because that is quite a massive thing to say, he just keeps describing how he feels instead, not labelling it.

The friend is lovely as well btw (not your typical OW) and would have, in my opinion, been a lot more suited to him than his girlfriend. I remember how they got together and he seems to have just drifted into that relationship without the "big" feelings. But the friend is taken now and what's done is done.

The next time he brings her up (now doubt soon), I will tell him what I think.

Fairenuff Fri 23-Aug-13 22:47:19

I know that he is definitely not having a physical affair

This is what gave it away, by the way. Only one or other of them would know this, definitely.

ConfusedFriend2 Fri 23-Aug-13 22:49:28

Sorry, if my post is confusing. I am not him or "the friend". I'm a third person who used to share a flat with both of them and is still close to him. He talks to me about her, presumably because I'm one of the few friends who isn't also friends with his girlfriend.

I was trying to post in a style that keeps my projections out of the story and only repeats facts (what he has said).

ConfusedFriend2 Fri 23-Aug-13 22:51:23

There's nothing to give away. I'm just convinced that he'd have told me if there was a physical element to it. Why would he not? He's told me everything else as far as I know.

Fairenuff Fri 23-Aug-13 22:51:29

Well, if that is true then you don't know that they are not having sex do you. You only know what he tells you, which may not be entirely truthful.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Fri 23-Aug-13 22:52:56

Are you all in your early/mid 20s?

What he might also be thinking is that he doesn't feel like that about his girlfriend - maybe he's reached a more settled phase with her, which, even in good relationships, can seem a bit unexciting - and he's yearning for those College Years. Difficult time the 20's.

Fairenuff Fri 23-Aug-13 22:54:14

Also, by opening up and discussing all this with you, he is becoming emotionally involved with yet another woman.

I don't think he's really that into his relationship, he sounds too self-absorbed.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Fri 23-Aug-13 22:54:17

X post

Admitting to having sex with someone who is married is a bit more of an admission though.

I'm thinking they probably aren't though (no evidence)

JamieandtheMagicTorch Fri 23-Aug-13 22:54:33

yy Fairenuff

ConfusedFriend2 Fri 23-Aug-13 22:55:58

Ok, then I don't know they don't have sex for sure. They might and he might be lying about that aspect. I don't think he is though. It wouldn't fit in with his description of how he desired her. In fact, I think that not having had a physical relationship with her is part of his obsession but that would be speculation on my part.

ConfusedFriend2 Fri 23-Aug-13 22:58:12

They are all 30, so not too young.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Fri 23-Aug-13 22:58:51

Young to some ...

ConfusedFriend2 Fri 23-Aug-13 23:00:32

grin

blueshoes Fri 23-Aug-13 23:03:04

OP, I am still confused.

You say: "He talks to me about her, presumably because I'm one of the few friends who isn't also friends with his girlfriend."

Then in your OP, you say: "I am a third friend who knows both of them. "

So do you know his live-in girlfriend or not? Are you really a third person?

ConfusedFriend2 Fri 23-Aug-13 23:07:47

I am a third friend as in I am a friend of his and the "desired friend". We all shared a flat at uni. I'm still close to him but not so much to her anymore.

It is his live-in girlfriend I'm not friends with. I've only met her a few times whereas most of their circle of friends is shared. That's why I think he talks to me about the issue, not any of the other friends.

Does that make sense?

LemonPeculiarJones Fri 23-Aug-13 23:11:34

He sounds really deceitful. His poor gf. He's being hideously dishonest.

legomom Fri 23-Aug-13 23:26:08

Wow he really has it all doesn't he?
one woman to obsess over (the friend)
another woman to fill the domestic role (gf) and yet another woman (op) to listen to his emotional woes.

Another poster pointed out up thread how would he feel if gf did same : talked about her obsession with a man who wasn't him to yet another man.

As a friend id be telling him to back off from his married pregnant friend

ofmiceandmen Sat 24-Aug-13 00:01:55

He's grooming you both for future affairs.

He's not some school kid like he's making out to be.

He;s also showing you his vulnerable side and getting you into his 'drama'.

He will sleep with your friend if she lets him as he knows she is spoken for and is now a 'no hassles' sex partner who cannot possibly leave her child and partner.

He's good! rather impressive little web he is weaving.

Wait till he cries on your shoulder next.

PS- he is already having an emotional affair with you too in his little 'fantasy world'. because you "understand him".

Drop him!

WeAreSeven Sat 24-Aug-13 00:06:57

Jesus, he sounds like a drama queen. He needs to be slapped with a wet fish.

LifeHuh Sat 24-Aug-13 08:12:46

Wow,ofmiceandmen - interesting world view there...so for starters no male/female friendships.Or am I having an EA with my best friend from Uni,who I tell most things to,and who definitely "understands me" because she has known me so long? (I'm female btw - my poiint is I don't think her gender makes any difference)
If Op has flatshared with both and known them since university she must have some idea of what is in character and the sort of person they are.
Some people are manipulative jerks - some people,either gender,get themselves into situations they would be better off out of,and need to talk to friends etc to work out what is going on and what to do.

kerstina Sat 24-Aug-13 10:23:17

If I was the girlfriend and knew this I would not want to be with him. Far more betrayal than sleeping with someone else who you are not so involved with.

LessMissAbs Sat 24-Aug-13 11:44:57

I'd think he has the girlfriend for security, and the friend for excitement. I wouldn't be happy if I was the girlfriend.

Surely if he was that crazy about the friend, he would have moved mountains to be with her.

The answer is that he should forget about both, end it with the girlfriend, maybe move away somewhere he does not see the friend regularly, and try and meet someone else and be happily single. Not marry his current girlfriend to somehow "match" the woman he is obsessed with. Of course, he won't do that...

Fairenuff Sat 24-Aug-13 11:56:17

He is emotionally investing in your and your friend.

The only one missing out on his deep conversations and the opening of his heart, is his actual girlfriend who is the one he really should be talking to.

He is not talking to her about this because he knows that it's not appropriate and she would not be happy. He therefore knows already that what he is doing is wrong.

People say that they can't see emotional affairs starting, they just seem to drift into them. Bollocks. The minute you start hiding things from your partner you are aware of what you're doing.

He knows what he's doing.

If I were you I would tell him to end the relationship with his girlfriend first because he obviously doesn't care that much for her.

Then when he is single he can come back and chat to me about other women he fancies if he wants. Until then, not interested because he's behaving in a way that makes him look like a selfish twat.

Viviennemary Sat 24-Aug-13 12:00:27

I think that at any time this 'friendship' could become an affair even if it isn't already and hasn't been in the past.

LessMissAbs Sat 24-Aug-13 13:05:10

Viviennemary I think that at any time this 'friendship' could become an affair even if it isn't already and hasn't been in the past

It quite possible that the friend doesn't fancy him and/or isn't interested in him. I have a friend who is currently in this position and the girlfriend is jealous and has been contacting her, and its really upsetting for her as she isn't interested in him romantically, doesn't find him attractive and nothing has ever happened but the girlfriend doesn't believe her.

Viviennemary Sat 24-Aug-13 13:29:54

Well if I was the girlfriend I wouldn't believe it either I'm afraid. This nothing has ever happened business must be the most feeble phrase in history. Nothing has ever happened till it does. I must just be the suspicious type. Quite often in these very close friendships one person is attracted romantically. But that's only my opinion. And not saying it's right in every case.

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