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I want to die

(56 Posts)
maniclady Fri 23-Aug-13 13:07:07

I have nc for this. I want to kill myself all I think about is how many pills I have. The reason I want to kill myself is because I have type 1 bipolar and on my last episode started a affair with my best friend. The problem is not only did I fall in love but discovered he has loved me since I was 13.

This affair is continuing and I still love my DH but the thought of choosing between my best friend who I love very much and my DH is making me want to kill myself so I don't have to. I also hate myself for lying to my dh and have stopped my meds as I don't deserve to feel well which means I'm depressed and the voices are back telling me to kill myself.

I hate what I am doing so much, I hate lying to dh and I just want to die

BelieveinWigan Fri 23-Aug-13 13:08:55

I think you need to get help. Killing yourself is never the answer

mcmooncup Fri 23-Aug-13 13:09:32

I am sorry you are having a hard time dealing with all the emotions.
Do you have rl support?

EricNorthmansFangbanger Fri 23-Aug-13 13:11:09

Manic I didn't want to read and run. Please please please start taking your meds again. You do deserve to feel well, you really do. Is there any kind of crisis team you could contact? Or maybe the Samaritans? I'm sorry you're feeling this way and really sorry I don't have better advice for you, but I'm sure one of the lovely ladies here who have much better advice will be along shortly. Offering a hand to hold while we wait.

mcmooncup Fri 23-Aug-13 13:11:46

Please do look at what you have written.

You started the affair when you were in the middle of an episode.
You hate what you are doing.

What do you think about finishing the affair, or at least telling him you need to take a break because you are not handling the lies very well?

maniclady Fri 23-Aug-13 13:11:51

No no one knows I cant tell anyone I'm so ashamed and so angry at myself plus so many people will be hurt.

mcmooncup Fri 23-Aug-13 13:12:41

Missed the bit about the meds.
YES YES YES, can you start taking them again?

notnotnee Fri 23-Aug-13 13:18:24

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE SEEK HELP NOW, TODAY, THIS MINUTE

Madlizzy Fri 23-Aug-13 13:21:06

It's your bastard illness telling you that you don't deserve to feel well. It's wrong, you very much do deserve to feel well. Contact your CPN if you have one to try and help you get back on track. With the affair, stop it now, explaining that you're not well and it's not the right thing for either you or him to be doing as you have to concentrate on you, then your marriage. Please accept any help that is offered, because not only do you deserve to feel well, you deserve to stay well too. Be kind to yourself. x

maniclady Fri 23-Aug-13 13:21:28

I have spoke with the Samaritans but it still comes down to the same thing I have to choose.

MadameBlavatsky Fri 23-Aug-13 13:26:27

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You are feeling like this because you are ill my love. Please recognise that this is sortable, your life is very precious and you can take steps now, right this minute to start to make this ok.

You NEED to get some help, and to start taking your meds again. Who can you call right now? A family member? your GP? Have you a MH support worker? You have taken the very first one by posting here. You are not alone. You have been through shit before and come out of it, you can change this now.

Please call someone, and keep talking. It is going to be ok, just keep reaching out.

maniclady Fri 23-Aug-13 14:03:05

I can call one of my cpns but I'm going on holiday in two weeks and don't want to be admitted.

Pawprint Fri 23-Aug-13 14:05:48

Please seek help now - you will get through this.

I have bipolar too and have some dreadful and damaging things whilst high.

Phalenopsis Fri 23-Aug-13 14:08:37

"I'm going on holiday in two weeks and don't want to be admitted"

You won't be going anywhere if you kill yourself. You need help right now, not in two weeks or next month but now.

Phone your CPN or if it really comes to it, go to A&E. That's what a bipolar friend was advised to do as an absolute last resort.

RegTheMonkey Fri 23-Aug-13 14:20:48

Madame is right. This is temporary - death is permanent. This is sortable, but because you aren't properly medicated at the moment you can't see that clearly. Thank goodness you have posted in here at least. You don't want to hurt dh or lover - how much will your suicide devastate them? I can only join with the other posters to urge you to seek immediate help.

LadyMud Fri 23-Aug-13 14:24:28

Sweetheart, none of this is your fault - it's your illness. Everything - the affair, the not taking meds, the thinking of suicide - all typical behaviours with BPD.

I lost a very dear friend to this illness last year (crying for her, and you, right now). Please contact your CPN right now, or get down to A&E.

LM x

maniclady Fri 23-Aug-13 14:28:45

Thanks all I'm going up to see my cpn when my mum comes back to look after the dc.I just don't want to hurt either my husband or my friend. But there is no way out of this now without hurting someone.

maniclady Fri 23-Aug-13 14:30:31

Lm I'm so sorry for your loss.

LadyMud Fri 23-Aug-13 14:32:17

Well done, maniclady - and please keep posting until then.

Would you like to tell us about your DC? Are they pre-school, or is this the summer holidays? (Just ignore, if you prefer)

Lweji Fri 23-Aug-13 14:38:26

Self preservation.

Forget the holidays.
Forget what others will think.

What you don't want is to leave those who love you behind.

Start your meds again and seek help now.

maniclady Fri 23-Aug-13 14:39:40

My dc are 7,4 and 20months. I just feel so torn up over what to do I have known my best friend since I was 2 I don't want to hurt him but at the same time I love dh and don't want to leave him.

LadyMud Fri 23-Aug-13 14:46:29

As Lweji says, forget all this other stuff. You only need to focus on two things:
Getting yourself better
Making sure your children are safe

Presumably your friend knows about your illness, and possibly hasn't behaved very honorably himself. But let's forget about him for the moment, and concentrate on getting you well again.

LadyMud Fri 23-Aug-13 14:49:51

A load of questions . . . .
What time will your mum be there?
Does she know it's urgent?
Is your CPN expecting you?
How will you get to the clinic?

maniclady Fri 23-Aug-13 14:56:02

I don't know when my mum will be here,she dleant know she thinks I'm just picking a prescription up I prefer it that way as otherwise everyone will know I'm ill ans I'll have awkward questions.Which I really can't deal with right now.

Cpn knows I'm coming yes and I'll drive to the clinic.

maniclady Fri 23-Aug-13 14:57:13

Dleant should be doesn't stupid phone.

LadyMud Fri 23-Aug-13 15:35:43

Have you had any assistance with the children over the summer, maniclady? The school holiday can seem very long!

Also, it must be tricky keeping three children of such different ages occupied and entertained.

maniclady Fri 23-Aug-13 15:38:34

No I haven't and two have sn. My mum has had them on the odd day and I go out every other week but that's it.

PookyWooky Fri 23-Aug-13 15:52:12

Really glad you are seeking help now. All of the other stuff can be sorted later. Keep thinking of your lovely children - they deserve to have their mum.

LadyMud Fri 23-Aug-13 15:55:22

Wow, you must be absolutely worn out, especially with this hot weather. Obviously the 7yo goes to school (in term-time), but does the 4yo attend nursery/pre-school?

Will you get a chance to relax on holiday, or will that be even more hard work?

Lweji Fri 23-Aug-13 15:56:56

It is tough, and one more reason why you can't stop taking your meds.

Your children need you. They are far more important than your husband or your friend. Both will also suffer if you go.

Face it. Someone will (may) be disappointed in you. So what?
You are not perfect. Neither are they. None of us are, and we all make mistakes.

You can call off your affair, at least the physical part, and get some head space to find out what you want.

Does your husband give you days off with the children?

In any case, keep talking. Here or the Samaritans.
Ideally your mother and husband too, so that they can give you enough support.
Tell them you need them, you need help.
The worst you can do is shut down from those close to you.

PookyWooky Fri 23-Aug-13 16:13:56

Yes keep talking. You will get through this, sweet. Hope your mum has finally got to your house?

maniclady Fri 23-Aug-13 16:17:13

Yeah I'm at the doctors waiting to be seen will respond more fully when I'm home.

str8tothepoint Fri 23-Aug-13 16:23:45

You can't be in love with 2 people. Don't panic you've just got to take a break from OP and go see or talk to your counsellor ASAP. Just relax it will all be ok x

LadyMud Fri 23-Aug-13 16:44:34

At the doctors . . . well done, maniclady! Hope you start to feel calmer very soon.

changeforthebetter Fri 23-Aug-13 16:49:18

So glad you got to the doctors. Take care brew

maniclady Fri 23-Aug-13 17:56:29

Thanks for all the messages I have agreed to take my meds and cpn will increase her visits.

VoiceOfRaisin Fri 23-Aug-13 18:01:08

Well done, Maniclady. Make sure you do just that. You will feel different and think more clearly once you have stabilised your mood.

As for the affair, try to put it to the back of your mind for now and concentrate on getting well and being a good mum. It will all wait. You will not be the first, or indeed the last, woman to be struggling with a dilemma in love. It's never as bad as you think. It always works out somehow. xxxxx

PookyWooky Fri 23-Aug-13 19:12:27

What Voice said.

Glad you got the help you needed. Please post on here if you ever feel you need to talk - there are lots of friendly people and lots of great advice. Never feel alone xx

Miniph Fri 23-Aug-13 19:44:19

I had to reply to your post (usually a lurker) because I've been in a similar position myself (bipolar and high, starting an affair and then crashing into depression) I ended up in hospital after od'ing.

I felt like it was an impossible situation, I desperately didn't want to hurt anyone - was terrified of ending the affair even though I knew (when not manic) that I wanted to be with my husband.

I'm so glad you are getting some support from your Mum / CPN. I think you need to tell your friend that you need a break from him to get yourself well and then when your mood is more level you can make some decision about where you go next in your relationships.

maniclady Fri 23-Aug-13 19:52:43

Miniph thank you so m

maniclady Fri 23-Aug-13 19:53:05

Oops posted to soon thank y

maniclady Fri 23-Aug-13 19:57:13

Oops posted too soon thank you so much for posting your story.It means a lot I think you are right in that I need to wait till I am well to make a decision and should take a break for now.

AKVS Fri 23-Aug-13 21:58:07

Sweety just come down and breath.
I know you r upset now and there is lots on your mind but put it aside for a moment and focus on yourself and your health. Ask for help, get help.
Be strong.
There is always a way out of everything...
Please just get help.

LadyMud Fri 23-Aug-13 22:52:59

So maniclady, you are not the only one this has happened to, are you? And maybe next year, you'll be back here, but advising someone else how to cope.

Are you receiving any other help at the moment, such as CBT? My friend found it really useful.

Isabeller Fri 23-Aug-13 23:01:31

This is a test of your courage and strength, you know who and what gives you most courage and strength and what will help you silence or quieten the disturbing upsetting thoughts.

Good luck in keeping your feet on the ground. If you do the things which have helped you feel better in the past you will be able to work out how to deal with your very difficult real life problems.

Can you believe that you are very much loved and valued even though you may not feel loveable at the moment?

maniclady Fri 23-Aug-13 23:32:38

Ladymud no I'm not receiving any other help at the moment but I have in the past.

Isabella I can see I'm very loved but at the moment it's suffocating and I feel like leaving both till I can clear up how I feel.

LadyMud Sun 25-Aug-13 20:52:00

You did a very brave thing the other day, maniclady - you admitted that you weren't coping, and asked for help.

How are you feeling now? A bit more in control, perhaps? xxx

maniclady Mon 26-Aug-13 19:39:30

I only just saw your moist lady mud and though I would uprdate. I have been feeling less suicidal but I'm still not right.

I have been going out till 4am some mornings with my friend which says I'm slightly manic. Don't judge my friend to harshly for years he has turned me down even if I strip off naked and lie in his bed waiting for him. The reason this time was different is he is recently bereaved, had a recent suicide attempt and is depressed himself.

So he is not thinking clearly himself. Which is even more reason I don't want to hurt him.

maniclady Mon 26-Aug-13 19:40:09

Post not moist sorry

marimeifod Mon 26-Aug-13 19:47:42

Maniclady, well done on remaining strong these last few nights, you have done the right thing posting on here and in all your actions seeking help. PLEASE, PLEASE, if you find yourself having thoughts of harming yourself/taking your life or are struggling to keep yourself safe, attend A&E (if you can't get there yourself, call an ambulance) and ask to speak to the Crisis team or whatever the equivalent in your area is. Be honest with yourself and with those who are helping/supporting you about how you are feeling and what you think you need to start recovering/feeling better. Remember these things take time as well, don't lose hope.
Warmest wishes to you.

maniclady Mon 26-Aug-13 19:53:49

Thanks marimeifod

LadyMud Wed 28-Aug-13 20:02:24

Oh gosh, maniclady - that's complicated! Is your friend receiving appropriate help for his grief and his depression?

maniclady Wed 28-Aug-13 20:07:45

He was receiving help but is not anymore the only help he currently has access to is cruise (sp) and Samaritans.He is in a very bad place at the moment.

LadyMud Thu 29-Aug-13 11:03:09

Perhaps you could persuade him to go to his GP? And maybe go with him for support?

And then I think you should give yourself a break from him, at least until after your holiday. Think of it as a "virtual hospital stay", if you like. You really really need to focus on yourself at the moment, my love.

And maybe having an affair with a married woman isn't actually doing him any good.

In the past, I have been drawn into helping desperate people, and lost sight of my own personal boundaries. I think that's what's happening with you at the moment, maniclady. We are not indispensible - except to our children.

JuliaScurr Thu 29-Aug-13 12:55:09

keep going, Maniclady
one step at a time
you'll make it
well done for going to dr smile

maniclady Thu 29-Aug-13 14:14:40

I can't leave my friend he has been there for all my episodes now he needs me. I will get him to go to the gp the problem is he doesn't want medication.

Thank you JuliaScurr.

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