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He wants another baby and I really don't

(48 Posts)
Licketysplit123 Thu 22-Aug-13 22:28:09

Hi everyone,

DD is two in October and she is brilliant. OH and I have had some serious marital difficulties since my pregnancy. I don't think it's too one-sided to say there was some pretty unreasonable behaviour on his behalf for a long time, he would admit that too and is sorry. He didn't cheat or anything but he wasn't supportive at all to me during pregnancy and the first year after she was born and there were a lot of arguments and I was very unhappy.

Sex started to go downhill before I fell pregnant. He didn't want it at all while I was pregnant or for a year after the birth and I was very hurt by this.

A few months ago, I was convinced we would split soon but he has done a serious u-turn and is now being ridiculously nice. He wants another baby and he is regularly trying to have sex. He is stepping up the new baby campaign because he has just turned 38 (I am 30) and he says he wants to prove to me he can behave properly this time.

We are getting along a lot better but to be honest, the thought of sex with him actually upsets me. I feel like it is just weighed down with issues. I would love another baby but I don't want to DTD for that to happen.

I haven't found him attractive for a long time either which doesn't help. We are actually very friendly at the moment and as a family we are spending some nice time together, so I am wondering if this can improve?

he is making me feel a bit guilty, saying our daughter needs a sibling, he needs to get cracking because of his age.

I suppose my question is, is it selfish to not try? How can I get over this sex thing? Do you think you can find someone attractive again after you had got to the point of not loving them anymore? I am reluctant to ask to go to counselling as we are getting along ok at the moment and I fear asking will make it worse again.

please advise or tell me your similar experience. Sorry for the long post xx

Jux Thu 22-Aug-13 23:47:57

I don't understand his thing about his age. Does he think he's not going to want to play football with a son when he's in his 40s?

I'm not surprised you're not that keen atm. He was unsupportive and unhelpful for a long time, about a year and a half? A few months ago, you were convinced you would soon split up, so it can't have been to great then. Sex was going off before you became pg. Sounds like things have been going wrong/wrong for a good 3 years?

So, things have improved a bit over the last few months, and he's decided that another baby would be great. And that things are so great between you, that he feels confident enough to guilt trip you into doing what he wants.

Are you surprised you're not quite so trustful?

I would imagine that you will need a good few years to trust him enough to have another baby with him. I certainly would.

His age is irrelevant, my ex was 38 when we had our first baby and DP had a child at 44! There are far more issues here and your reluctance is justified. I resisted a third with exH for similar reasons and know it would have been much harder to get away from him with three DC than two.

Licketysplit123 Fri 23-Aug-13 08:13:23

Thanks for your replies, really appreciate it.

It's nice to feel a little understood, I've been reading a lot of marriage forums and although I haven't posted, I've been getting really worried because a lot of them say things like; love is a choice; and ;you should just have sex regardless of how you feel and you will start to feel differently in time; I made myself do it about six weeks ago and he had two negative comments to make afterwards, so I've decided I'm not doing it again.

Jux I am not sure what the age thing is, age always bothers him a lot. I knew him for years before we got together and when he turned 30 he got panic attacks!

Postmanpatscat - what happened with your ex and why did you eventually leave? I am asking because I wondering if there needs to be a reason or is it just about how you feel?

I had got used to the idea of a nice new life, just me and DD. I was just waiting for the next big row really but it never came. He decided he needed to get his act together instead. And now I feel a bit trapped and like I can't break it off without a good reason. I feel as if I can't just say to DD that I broke up with her dad because I stopped wanting to try.

But now I don't know how to want to try. Grrrrrrrrrrr - I am annoying myself by sounding so pathetic. I'm not always so pathetic honestly!

HappyJustToBe Fri 23-Aug-13 08:18:56

Having sex when you don't want to will just make you miserable. It is different from having a go when you're not in the mood/a bit tired to see if things do perk up with no recourse if you don't get in the mood, if you know what I mean?

Jux Fri 23-Aug-13 12:25:31

Not wanting to be in a relationship is a good enough reason to not be in it. It sounds like you have been taken advantage of and taken for granted for a long time. He's tried a bit harder for a couple of months and now expects his reward. What is in it for you? What are you getting out of it?

Fairenuff Fri 23-Aug-13 12:36:13

No, no, no, do not have sex unless you 100% want to.

Right now, I think another child with this man would not be a sensible choice. His reasoning is skewed - he wants another chance to prove himself a better partner, your dd would benefit from a sibling, etc. What about you OP? Has he thought about your needs? Nope.

I think you need to have a good look at your relationship and how it is enriching your life. So far, he sounds selfish and immature.

CharlotteCollinsismovingon Fri 23-Aug-13 13:37:37

he had two negative comments to make afterwards

shock What a charmer.

Licketysplit123 Fri 23-Aug-13 18:35:55

Yeah, charmer indeed!!

I'm not actually sure what is in it for me. It certainly feels like not a lot. He also works a ridiculous amount so basically 6/7 nights a week I am at home with DS alone and have no freedom so it is like I am a single mum anyway in that respect.

There's a lot of layers to it all, but another argument today has left me remembering what it feels like when its bad, I just feel tired and heavy and like I just want to go to sleep. That's how I feel when I am aroun him a lot.

He says that is normal for parents of young children and things will be better in a cou

Licketysplit123 Fri 23-Aug-13 18:36:17

Oops posted too soon ....cou

Licketysplit123 Fri 23-Aug-13 18:38:58

...sorry phone is going nuts!!!

I meant to say...couple of years. My mum thinks if I stick it out it will get better. But it's been nearly two years. I suppose I just need to make a decision to get happy. I'm not good at all at these things. The thought of telling him I don't love him makes me feel sick. For him, it'll come completely out of the blue as he never "gets" it when I try and tell him our marriage is in a bad way.

AnythingNotEverything Fri 23-Aug-13 18:40:18

I don't think this is about whether you should have another baby or not. There are some more fundamental issues here - I'm not sure you want to be with him at all.

I definitely wouldn't be having a baby, or even having sex, with this man until I worked out what I wanted long term. And this has to be about what YOU want.

TheDoctrineOfPositivityYes Fri 23-Aug-13 18:41:19

Tell him that there is no chance of you saying yes right now and you will think about another child in 6 months or 12 months if you prefer.

You need time to see if this is going to work out and he needs to leave the idea for a bit. Biologically there's no rush at your current ages.

TheDoctrineOfPositivityYes Fri 23-Aug-13 18:42:28

Oh, cross post.

When does he spend time with the child you have? I'd have another child if someone else was doing all the work...

Bogeyface Fri 23-Aug-13 18:47:06

My own ex was blown away when I left him, he said that he genuinely hadnt seen it coming despite me trying to tell him for a few years and begging him to come to counselling. He was gutted and really wanted to try again but for me it was too late sad

Bogeyface Fri 23-Aug-13 18:48:32

oops, sorry....

.....dont let concern for his reaction stop you from claiming a better life for you and your DD. And I will say it as no one else has, are you sure he wasnt having an affair? Going off sex, being distant etc would point to it and if the affair has now finished that might explain his sudden resurgence of interest in you and your family.

RenterNomad Fri 23-Aug-13 19:00:34

God, no, don't have another child with someone you clearly don't trust! If he's being "ridiculously nice", that doesn't sound sustainable, especially given past form!

There was a series of threads a while ago, which emerged from the OP's wondering whether she was being unreasonable to not want another baby, when her H nagged and joked and talked over her in public about it, as a "done deal". Chillingly, she seemed unaware that women could use contraception secretly. More and more emerged, and it would be crazy to project any of that on you, but it just underlined how worth it is underlining:

- no-one should be obliged/forced to have a child s/he doesn't want, especially if all the shitwork with any existing DC falls to the one who doesn't want one.

- having sex with someone because s/he will be unpleasant, and nag if not, equals coerced sex, especially if the coercing partner is financially dominant (and the partner left with the baby and all the shitwork is not going to be financially dominant...)

TheDoctrineOfPositivityYes Fri 23-Aug-13 19:06:44

Yy renter, that bell was rung for me too with the "baby campaign" phrase.

CharlotteCollinsismovingon Fri 23-Aug-13 19:14:56

The "not getting it"... does he take you seriously when you raise a concern? Or does he laugh it off?

RenterNomad Fri 23-Aug-13 19:19:01

Nice to see your new movingon "surname", charlotte! smile

CharlotteCollinsismovingon Fri 23-Aug-13 19:21:06

smile Nice to be moving on!

Squitten Fri 23-Aug-13 19:41:27

You don't love him. That's the most important thing you have said in all this. You should not be even contemplating expanding a family with someone that you don't love.

I would advise you to tell him the truth - very honestly - so that he fully understands what is at stake here. Counselling would be the next step to see if there's anything to salvage. You need to be in an entirely different place in your relationship before you think about more babies.

Bogeyface Fri 23-Aug-13 23:48:28

The "not getting it"... does he take you seriously when you raise a concern? Or does he laugh it off?

My H loved me and wasnt abusive at all, but we had drifted apart and when I tried to talk to him he basically said that everything was fine and that I was looking for problems, "borrowing trouble" was his phrase. I think that because we werent arguing then he thought everything was fine, of course we werent having sex or fun either but I think he accepted that as part of marriage.

It killed our marriage and I regret that very very much sad

Bogeyface Fri 23-Aug-13 23:49:25

Sorry, submitted too soon again!

I meant to say that the OPs DH could be the same. Not being horrible or abusive but just not seeing that, because he is happy, the OP isnt happy.

Fairenuff Sat 24-Aug-13 00:00:28

I suppose I just need to make a decision to get happy

You can't just decide to be happy. It's your circumstances which will dictate how you feel.

If you are in a loving, equal, trusting relationship with a person who supports you, listens to you, laughs with you, you are likely to be happy with them.

If you are in a relationship with someone who is selfish, demanding, lazy, emotionally distant, disrespectful, etc. then you are likely to be unhappy.

Being on your own is better than being in an unhappy relationship. It also gives you the chance to meet someone else who will treat you properly. Don't waste your life.

Licketysplit123 Sat 24-Aug-13 07:52:14

Thanks everyone, it's been really helpful reading all the comments...

TheDoctrineOfPositivityYes - to be fair to him he does make sure he spends time with our daughter. Even if he is working a lot for several days or on nights, he'll get up for half an hour before she goes to nursery to spend time with her and he tries to take her swimming for an hour every week. They have a good relationship, but that doesn't mean another one is a good idea.

bogeyface - I really don't think he was having an affair. About a year ago, after a huge row I moved out for a few days and was seriously considering ending it all then. he got very upset and told me the reason we hadn't had sex in about 18 months was because he had been unable to perform once shortly before we got married and he had been so troubled by it he had started masturbating instead. He said he was afraid he was addicted to wanking and had a mental problem. Anyway, i dont think he was addicted at all, it turns out he only did it a couple of times a week which to me was just replacing a normal sex life, not an addiction. In the end, it was a bit of a ploy to deflect things and make it all about him, poor him. And it worked, I went back because he said he thought the reason we rowed all the time was because there was no intimacy and he hadn't even let me cuddle or kiss him because he didnt want me to want sex.

everyone is right, we shouldn't be having another child, at the moment that isn't an option. I think the issue is I am waiting for it to get better because everyone tells you not to give up, to keep working at it, marriage is hard etc.

Everyone says having a toddler is hard, puts such a strain on relationship etc, but honestly I dont think its that bad. She's brilliant and easy and we have fun, she isn't a problem at all!,

I know I need to talk to him but whenever I do, He plays the victim and says I can't keep throwing the past back in his face, and what am I doing to change? Which confuses me because the things I do are not ruining the relationship. He means things like leaving the iron on, not filling the car up with petrol as soon as the red light comes on etc.

Renternomad, thanks for the info but although I have been a bit daft and had sex when I didn't really want to, I'm not being dominated financially or anything. Well he probably would like to, but I run my own business and I'm quite independent so I am not staying because I think I couldn't cope financially or anything.

Thanks everyone
Xx

CharlotteCollinsismovingon Sat 24-Aug-13 08:50:42

Ok, OP, good luck. Stand firm!

Fwiw, the red flags I see are:

- he was unsupportive, there were lots of arguments for 1-2 years. Then he got wind that you were thinking of leaving and now appears to be turning on the charm.
- When you left before, he made it all about him until you took him back, presumably not having resolved the problems that led to your leaving in the first place.
- He is putting a lot of pressure on you to decide what he wants, ie to have another baby
- He criticised your performance after sex - wtf?
- the past issues in your marriage don't seem to have been addressed. You can't address them because he won't listen (I think?) or he turns the focus on you
- You don't want to suggest counselling for fear that it'll rock the boat

That tired and heavy feeling when you're with him and things are bad - is it because you're not being heard? Sounds, as Fairenuff's been saying, like everything is always about him.

RenterNomad Sat 24-Aug-13 08:59:18

I'm SO glad that you're not vulnerable in the way I described, but thought I'd mention those points, as it wasn't clear how far the pressure extended.

Just remembr,then, that a relationship is a bilateral thing, meaning both of you have to be in it, and if the feelings and wants of both of you are valid, why are his dominating?! (especially given the other imbalance you described: his long hours, rejection and shutting out your feelings VERSUS your leaving the iron on and forgetting to fill up the car)

chestnut100 Sat 24-Aug-13 08:59:37

Your situation is almost identical to mine, OP. I left a couple of days ago and feel a huge weight has lifted. I am however under ridiculous pressure from all sides to return as he's now oh so determined to put things right. Shame he hasn't tried for the past two years when I have begged him to! I think the bottom line is, the way he has treated me has just pushed me into a silent resignation that our relationship was over, and I've just stopped loving him. I don't want to be a mum with two kids on my own, I want a happy family, but I just feel there is no way back hmm

CharlotteCollinsismovingon Sat 24-Aug-13 09:06:13

Do you think you could set a timescale to buy yourself some time, chestnut? Say, "I'm willing to consider going back" (you don't have to mean this wink) "but only after 3 months," or 6... or a year or whatever you think is best. Just to encourage the people pressuring you to back off for a while.

brettgirl2 Sat 24-Aug-13 09:23:58

This reminds me a lot of the situ of a friend of mine, who did have a second baby. Why does he want you to have s second baby really? It is to trap and control you. Right now you can easily leave but when preg or with 2 dcs it's harder.

chestnut100 Sat 24-Aug-13 11:19:07

Charlotte. Thank you for your suggestion, it is exactly what I've done! I've sent him away and said I will see where we are in a few months, mainly to get everyone off my back. I know in my heart I don't want to go back. I can't force myself to love him, or for that matter, to feel attracted to him again

Fairenuff Sat 24-Aug-13 11:32:27

You are doing the right thing. With a bit of time and space you will be able to think more clearly.

You sound lovely, an independent woman with a gorgeous young daughter. Enjoy it.

Someone else who really deserves you and will treat you right will be along in no time. But in the meantime, just enjoy being on your own with your dd for a while.

Don't rush into anything else. You are in control now, you have some say over your own destiny smile

Fairenuff Sat 24-Aug-13 11:35:55

That is if you do decide to separate OP. I might have jumped the gun a bit there, but I get the feeling from you that you're ready to end it now.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Sat 24-Aug-13 11:42:59

You are allowed to stop loving someone without a particular 'reason'. You are allowed to end a relationship because it doesn't feel right anymore, without a particular 'reason'.
If you feel like you need permission from someone to do that, or to feel that way, then hey, Mumsnet gives you permission :-)
It's ok. It's allowed. Don't try and force yourself to feel otherwise, just because you feel that your thoughts are not somehow valid.

Darkesteyes Sat 24-Aug-13 15:02:16

chestnut im sorry to hear you are being pressured to return by family members but unfortunately im not surprised. I keep seeing this again and again on threads and have experienced it myself.
It is a form of bullying and domestic abuse on its own.
A GP once told me about a woman friend of hers who at the age of 75 walked out on her husband 2 days after her own mothers funeral. Apparently she had wanted to leave him for years but her mum pressured her to stay with him so she did it to keep her mum happy. It is a form of domestic abuse that is not talked about often enough.
OP I too got deja vu when first seeing this thread Agree with others the second baby is to keep you with him not because he absolutely longs for another child.

Licketysplit123 Sun 25-Aug-13 11:51:36

Thank you again, I really needed some of those comments. I had a rare night out last night at a friend's party, he refused to come. I had a lovely night with friends and their OHs and I had a bit of a reminder of what normal relationships look like.

Arrived back home to a little present off DH, an apology for "being an arse" the last couple of days. Nothing out of the ordinary for us, I was invited with DD to go swimming with a friend. DH annoyed because he usually takes her and I don't go with them, I see it as an opportunity to get some work done. Plus "I showed no thought" to him when I agreed to go because he is coming home early that day. He is sorry for acting like an arse but he was "gutted and hurt" he says.

Cue lots exceptionally nice and polite behaviour. I find it very difficult to talk and bring things up when he goes like this.

I think some of you may be right about his motives for wanting a second child. To be honest, I think he does have those kind of thoughts. Recently, when he talked about why he wanted to get married, he said his main reason was you "can't walk away when you are married, you have to stay".

So I posted on here to see if I could do anything to make myself want to DTD and whether things could get better. I don't really want to do any of these though. I've decided to be brave and do the thing I really want to do. I don't know how to do it yet but I'm sure I will figure it out.

Any tips? You've all helped me so much so far.

Chestnut, sorry to hear you've gone through the same, I'm pleased for you that you are doing what you want though. Can I ask, was there a straw that broke the camels back. Or did you just decide to do it?

I am worried I might blindside him too much and maybe I haven't given enough warning.

Fairenuff Sun 25-Aug-13 12:00:08

He is being passive aggressive.

His behaviour is designed to control you. It's working because instead of telling him it's over, you're concerning yourself with how he will take it.

If you want out, you don't even have to give reasons. Be prepared for tears and false promises.

You are not married, you are financially independent. What else is keeping you tied to living with him? Do you own property or rent?

If you could leave with your daughter, that would be easiest.

Licketysplit123 Sun 25-Aug-13 12:14:25

We are married!! If we weren't I'd find it easier I think.

We rent at the moment,vHe owned a house when we got married. When we had our make or break row last year, I wanted to move to be closer to my family for support as he was always working. and he agreed to save the marriage. We now live in a wonderful area but we couldn't buy because our purchase fell through. We decided to pay off our debts and save instead. He hates our position though and blames me for our lack of financial security. I know when I tell him, he will use this. he'll say he had a house with equity and now he doesn't own a house and half the money is gone and he did that for me.

That has been a big reason Ive tried to stick it out. I keep thinking maybe I will stay until we have saved the same amount of equity he had, so he doesn't lose out. But that would be another year and I don't think I can wait that long now.

PearlyWhites Sun 25-Aug-13 12:35:06

Jux no it isn't, you are talking crap do you even have children? Never mind what the op gets out of it they have a daughter who deserves to live with both parents her needs are paramount.

PearlyWhites Sun 25-Aug-13 12:38:13

Op I don't think you should ttc at the momment but I do think as you'd dp is wanting to make an effort you need to work on your relationship for your dd. Life is not about our own personal happiness especially where children are in the picture.

Sounds to me like it's too little, too late. It's over OP. Lance the boil and move on with your life.

Fairenuff Sun 25-Aug-13 12:46:49

he'll say he had a house with equity and now he doesn't own a house and half the money is gone and he did that for me

Yeah well, shit happens. Get over it mate.

He agreed to those decisions at the time. You are not responsible for his choices. There are no guarantees, it's not fair for him to blame you for messing up his life.

He seems to be trying to keep you with him by any means, another child, marriage, guilt...

Honestly, I think he already knows it's over and it clutching at straws. I don't think he will be that surprised, although he will fight to keep you.

But you can't fake how you feel. After you have separated you will still be in contact because of your daughter. You might even find that you get on better as friends eventually.

GingerBlondecat Sun 25-Aug-13 12:58:32

Sweetie, he didn't sell his house for you. No matter what he says.

He had his own reasons, whatever they were.

and his reasons for wanting another child with you are Not because he wants another child.

It's a classic keep 'em Barefoot and pregnant and in the kitchen.

(((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))) <3

Jux Sun 25-Aug-13 13:59:41

Pearlywhite. I'm afraid you're the one talking crap. No child deserves to be brought up in abusive household, or woth parents who don't love each other or don't really want to be together. No child deserves to grow up in a household where onemparent treats the other like crap, or one parent doesn't want to be there. The child will grow surrounded by misery; will learn that that is how relationships work, and will go on to have relationships just like the one being modelled through their childhood.

Every child deserves to grow up on a happy, stable home, whether that is with one or both parents.

I do have a child. I expect you have at least one too. I expect you are holding the 'sanctity of marriage' in too high regard, but if it works for you, great. It isn't working, and hasn't worked for the op, and it won't be working for her child either.

Licketysplit123 Sun 25-Aug-13 14:31:32

Thanks Pearlywhite, to be honest I had expected everyone who replied to me to say something along those lines but I was hoping that when people said that they would give me some sort of advice and not just tell me to suck it up. because after two years of trying to make my relationship work, I have run out of ideas.

I do agree with you, this is all about DD and not just about me. she will always be my priority. I want her to grow up to be happy and successful - that would make me happy. But how I can teach her to be that if I am not?

The fact most people seem to think personal happiness is important has given me the confidence to do what I need to do to be happy.

Fairenuff Sun 25-Aug-13 14:36:31

Miserable together or happy apart.

Which is better for the child?

And, to be fair, is this relationship really going to last another 5, 10, 20 years?

The split is inevitable, imo, why put it off, there is nothing to be gained.

Darkesteyes Sun 25-Aug-13 18:05:44

Pearlywhites i hope with all my heart and soul that yr daughter (should you have one) ends up in a relationship with a lovely man (should that be what she wants) because (god forbid) if she ends up in a situation like or similar to the Ops you are already showing signs of being the kind of family member i described in my earlier post.

Archaic views like yours are one of the reasons i gave motherhood a huge swerve.

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