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Don't know what to do / think

(27 Posts)
ReptonLane Thu 22-Aug-13 07:16:24

Last night 'D'H was due to be going out with colleagues after work in Soho. He got in just after 10pm and was absolutely hammered and had lipstick on his collar... I pointed this out and he said he knew I would notice but it wasn't what I thought so I left it at that, felt reasonably comfortable that it was most likely innocent, and took him upstairs to put him to bed. He suddenly gets all anxious about where his phone, and when he finds it I see he has an unread text and gut instinct tells me something isn't right by his behaviour / reaction so I ask to see his phone. On his phone is a message from him to some women I've never heard him mention before which is sexually explicit and her response basically saying she can't wait.

He is far too hammered to have a sensible / any conversation with but mumbles something about only just having met her, going to a strip club and it was the beer talking. Despite wanting to talk to him about it and find out WTF is going on I leave it as I know any attempts at conversation will be futile.

This morning he has got up and gone to work, I wouldn't let him near me and I can tell he thinks I am overreacting and that a simple sorry will suffice.

I'm 8 months pregnant with twins and have had less than 2 hours sleep. I feel wretched and think he will try and turn it round on me and somehow make it out to be partly my fault, because he feels neglected / sexually frustrated etc. I deleted the messages off his phone but took a photo of them and emailed them to him to his work account saying he had a lot of explaining to do.

I don't know what to do, I have no one in RL I can talk to and I can't speak to my mum about it as she constantly teeters on the edge of disliking him (no real reason as to why, I think it's more along the lines that no one is good enough for her precious girl). We have been together 6 years, married for 2 and he is generally a good husband. I have had a very difficult pregnancy and he has been very supportive throughout and does plenty round the house to help.

Hissy Thu 22-Aug-13 07:31:12

Oh sweetheart! You poor thing!

(((hug)))

You're not over-reacting, and you know it. You've emailed him now, he knows you know. It probably is a drunken exchange, but nonetheless it's a really crap thing for him to do.

Switch your phones off now, and go get some sleep if you can. He's not worth losing sleep over today!

You can talk later, when he's home, now you need to put yourself first.

Jan45 Thu 22-Aug-13 13:02:58

Sorry you are having to put up with this and sorry at 8 months preggers you're putting him to bed??? He'd have been handy had you gone into early labour....?

Doesn't sound good at all, can't believe he just went to work after that, lipstick/strip club/random woman - what a fucken nerve tbh.

BitOutOfPractice Thu 22-Aug-13 13:22:44

Oh you poor thing sad

You are NOT overreacting. At all. One bit. Don't let him minimise this.

Was he out with this woman last night?

ReptonLane Thu 22-Aug-13 13:55:56

Well he says that they went out for a few drinks and ended up in a girlie bar. I get the impression that she is one of the dancers in the club. We have been emailing this morning and he is apologetic but I have told him I feel he has no respect for me or our marriage and he has overstepped the boundary of acceptable behaviour.

I'm just not sure how to deal with it when he gets home. He will expect to say he's sorry, he was drunk and for me to just roll over and say it's fine.

Faezy Thu 22-Aug-13 14:00:19

I'm sorry this has happened, something similar happened to me recently except he didn't try to hide where he'd been. Was a fully nude place, always wondered what really happens in hose places.

Faezy Thu 22-Aug-13 14:00:25

*those

ReptonLane Thu 22-Aug-13 14:04:57

Faezy - I agree, he has conceded that he had a lap dance but tried to emphasise that no touching was allowed. I pointed out that I was sure that they were also most likely not meant to exchange numbers with people but that he had managed to do that and then texted her to tell her he wanted to have sex with her. I am not v convinced that the no touching rule is actually enforced in any way.

Faezy Thu 22-Aug-13 14:12:47

From what I've read it's not enforced in a lot of places. Sickening really.

Faezy Thu 22-Aug-13 14:14:12

Very odd that she gave him her number, they must get asked a lot.

You need time to collect your thoughts and rest.

I'd be telling him not to come home tonight.

<bitter experience>

Dahlen Thu 22-Aug-13 14:22:10

I'm sorry. sad You really don't need this right now. <understatement>

Why do you think he will expect you to just accept his apology? Is that how it normally goes if he does something to upset you?

The dealbreaker for me would have been his going to the strip club in the first place. (I think that's important to state because if that's not a dealbreaker for you, then my opinion may feel less relevant.) Either way, your DH has subjected you, his very pregnant-with-twins wife, to the indignity of having to put him to bed at a point in time when you could go into labour imminently (what with twins having a habit of arriving early, etc). At the same time (a time when you are feeling vulnerable and probably increasingly struggling with your changing body), he has behaved in a lewd way towards other women.

Regardless of what went on in - whether touching is allowed in these place or not, and even if it was 'only' a text convo, he has behaved in a way that has made someone he professes to love to feel like shit. The only response to that is to apologise profusely and sincerely for as long as it takes and to let actions speak louder than words in making up for it. Minimising it, expecting you to "get over it" is not an option unless he's a self-obsessed twat.

I hope he comes to his senses and congratulations on your pg.

aturtlenamedmack Thu 22-Aug-13 14:24:50

I'm sorry, that's awful, you are definitely not over reacting!
Have you decided what outcome you want from this yet? Di you want to end things or do you want to try and work things out.
If you want to work things out then what steps do you need dh to take in order for you relationship to recover.
Try and get a bit of rest now so that you are ready for a proper conversation when he gets home from work.

Jan45 Thu 22-Aug-13 14:39:11

Texted her to say he wanted sex with her - massive red flag there - I'd have very little trust for him, who else may he be texting about sex - he will expect you to accept an apology and that is it - he sounds a right charmer, don't stand for it otherwise it's a green light for him to do whatever to you.

Would he like it if you had done this with some random bloke - he'd just accept a sorry and move on - doubt it.

PrincessKitKat Thu 22-Aug-13 16:12:28

To answer the poster who said it was odd she gave him her number - it happens a bit when they spot an easy mark I think.
My friend spent a ridiculous amount on dances & the girl gave him her number... before they'd even gone for a drink asked he pay her rent & went mental when he said no!!
I'd find it hard to imagine they would feel any genuine attraction to a nasty pissed letch.

So sorry he's done this OP. You are NOT overreacting and you have every right to be livid. He should be begging & pleading forgiveness not minimising. Disgusting behaviour.

practicality Thu 22-Aug-13 16:35:45

No you aren't over reacting you are under reacting.

Suitcase outside door territory. You need to send out a clear message.

Sounds like a very sleazy person.

ReptonLane Thu 22-Aug-13 16:52:17

Thank you for all your comments. I feel a lot calmer than I did earlier. I don't want this to be the end of us, we get on really well and generally have a good relationship BUT I don't want him to think he just has free rein to behave in this way. Going to such places is not normal for him, he probably only goes out once a month or so and I am reasonably confident that he wouldn't have been the one to suggest going there but is easily led when drunk.

I think I'm struggling to work out what I do what him to do to 'repair' things. He's apologised and explained (to an extent) what has happened but it feels to me that it isn't enough but I'm not sure what 'enough' would constitute. I hope that makes sense.

AKVS Thu 22-Aug-13 16:53:42

Dear Darling. I'm so sorry u r going through this.
U r NOT overreascting!
He's behaviour was disgusting and you really need to talk to him. He needs to change, prove himself to u and beg for forgivness. I already would feel cheated if my partner went to the strip club in the first place!

Please let us know how it went...

I really hope u got some rest today and had a nap during the day.

ReptonLane Thu 22-Aug-13 17:57:59

He won't be home until at least 9pm as he has to go and sort something out this evening (long standing and can not be changed). I suppose all I can do is see whether he comes home remorseful and sorry or as if he thinks everything is now ok, it will at least give an indication as to how seriously he takes it all.

I certainly won't be doing any dinner for him!

Once a month? shock

Those places aren't cheap either. Is he planning to continue this habit after your twins are born? If so I suggest a monthly spa day for you with all the trimmings while he looks after the little darlings.

ReptonLane Thu 22-Aug-13 18:40:40

Tallwivglasses- I meant he goes out for a drink with friends / colleagues after work about once a month. I suspect in the last 6 years he has only gone to a strip club maybe 2 or 3 times.

Thing I found was that the first time it was easy to let it go because it was all so hurtful and after all, i loved him and was having his baby.

He chose to handle it all by mimilising it and of course it didn't help that I didn't feel particularly attractive and sexy what with being pregnant so I sort of took the blame and we never spoke about it again for years.

For those years we didn't talk about it I boiled away, resentful, hurt and untrusting and then it all came out.

I was half the person I am now, no confidence in myself and full of self doubt, wishing I could be a better wife and mother so that I deserved him.

Total load of bollocks.

He was a selfish, self centred twat who didn't know what he had and should have lost.

10 years later and still plodding along, happish and both doing well at work I discover a group of texts on his phone and guess what? It looks like he was still doing it or starting to do it or what ever the hell it was and I finally found my strength because I now know I AM worth it and I am a good wife and mother so I kicked the selfish arse out and had time to myself, which I enjoyed and he had time to see it from the divorced dad with nothing side and realise what he actually had and what he had to do to keep it.

Stay strong.

ImperialBlether Thu 22-Aug-13 21:04:23

I wouldn't be there when he got home. I wouldn't leave a note, either. Who the hell does he think he is, that he can text some girl saying that? He needs a real shock.

ReptonLane Thu 22-Aug-13 22:50:04

Well he was extremely remorseful and apologetic when he got in. I think he realises he had screwed up big time. He is also very aware that had I gone into labour last night or today he would have missed the birth of our babies, I would have just got a taxi to the hospital and not told him, and I think this has all been a big wake up call for him.

I told him he was lucky I was here when he got home, if I wasn't so heavily pregnant and able to walk a bit more than I can, I would of as suggested by ImperialBlether disappeared off and gone and stayed in a hotel for the night leaving no note as to where I had gone.

I think he gets that there is no easy fix to this, but we will just have to see how the next few days pan out. I know he is genuinely sorry but that unfortunately doesn't take the hurt and the pain away.

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Thu 22-Aug-13 22:54:12

The trust is never quite the same either.

There's always that little bit at the back of your mind that knows it's spoilt.

He needs to be an absolute fucking angel for the forseeable. He's got a lot to make up. I hope he's man enough.

The trust is never the same although it is save able if both parties want to.

Thing with me is I always look back at my pregnancy and remember what he did, he ruined a special memory for me and when we look back I always wonder if talking about it reminds him of her. That will be with me forever sad

Good luck with everything op, I truly wish you the best of luck.

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