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DH wearing more than just womens underwear, I don't like it. Don't know what to do now.

(76 Posts)
ItsATurnOff Wed 21-Aug-13 16:10:57

When me and DH got together, after a while I suspected he liked wearing womens underwear as he kept trying mine on 'for a joke' in front of me. Anyway, he finally admitted that he likes it and at first I wasn't overly bothered, or maybe I thought I wasn't, I don't know now tbh.

After a while he started buying himself some and wearing on occasion at night. Then it was every night. I would frequently see him lean forwards with some lacy/silky/red or blatantly womens underwear on. It became a bit of a turn off tbh.

I do the washing and I noticed more and more womens underwear. He seems to be buying new stuff all the time, he now must have between 30-50 pairs, I haven't looked that closely but it is a lot, more than his normal underwear and far more than I have. He says he likes the feeling of the silk etc but there are thongs (which can't be a comfort thing as they are not comfortable) and lacey ones. I get more and more annoyed by it and I have hinted heavily as much, he knows it bugs me but he never mentions it and carries on buying them. When I say he has been buying more, he just denies it, even though as I do the washing, its obvious when more new ones crop up. The other day I was on his phone (with his consent) and when I went back a couple of pages too far, it came up with the Tesco website, where he had been looking at more womens underwear.

Anyway, just now I was putting something away in his wardrobe when I saw a bag scrunched up at the back and it was all tied up. I opened it and in there is 2 womens lacey body suits, one with a bra type top. They clearly aren't for me as the bra size is all wrong and they are far too big for my body. I don't know when he would ever wear this, I am always around. On the odd occasion I am out, then the kids are here. There is the odd time I go out of an evening but this is not frequent.

I don't like this. I didn't really like the underwear, it didn't matter quite so much when it was 1 or 2 pairs and he kept it hidden more, but then he didn't bother to hide it, bought more and more even though he knows I don't like it and now this. I don't think he wants to dress as a woman. I have asked him before and he said no and I do believe him.

I don't really know what to do now. sad

nkf Wed 21-Aug-13 16:13:58

I don't really have any advice but bumping helpfully. You sound very nice and kind. I am sure there will be people who know more about this sort of situation.

Pawprint Wed 21-Aug-13 16:27:50

He clearly has a strong compulsion to wear women's underwear. I think you need to talk to him properly about this.

One thing I think men find attractive about women's underwear/clothing is that, in general, it is more overtly sexual than men's stuff. The emphasis is on the boobs, hips, legs etc and perhaps he finds the way female clothing is so sexualised appealing.

If I'm honest, it would bother me a lot too. Not so much the desire to wear the underwear but the fact that it seems to have become an addition/compulsion. Buying lots and lots of clothing, hiding it from you and wearing it when he knows it bothers you - that is similar, in my opinion (and I speak from experience) to an alcoholic buying booze, hiding it, secretly drinking etc.

ItsATurnOff Wed 21-Aug-13 16:38:56

The addiction/compulsion thing is interesting.

I don't understand why he needs soooo much. If he likes the felling of it, then that's his prerogative even if I'm not keen, I just don't get why there has to be so much. There is no other reason other than some addiction actually.

I am going to have to confront it. I can't ignore it anymore. At the moment the bag has been so blatantly moved in his wardrobe that its obvious I have found it. I want to see if he says anything. Knowing him, he will move it and hope that I don't mention it. He NEVER says anything about anything. Yesterday he hadn't been feeling well the previous day but as he went to work, I thought he was ok so I done tea for when he got home, as usual. He then said he didn't want any as he still felt ill. I was annoyed and asked him why didn't he text me and tell me so I wouldn't cook it. He just didn't answer and walked out of the kitchen. Usual response when he doesn't want to answer something. I can't see him responding to the fact that I found it. When I bring it up about the underwear, he just walks off and says nothing.

ItsATurnOff Wed 21-Aug-13 16:39:15

feeling of it.

Jan45 Wed 21-Aug-13 16:42:30

I couldn't and wouldn't be with a man that was doing this, good on you for being able to, it would be a total turn off for me in every way.

What's wrong with silk boxers - he could be keeping anything from you so ensure he sits down with you and explains, don't let him walk away.

ItsATurnOff Wed 21-Aug-13 16:45:17

Honestly, our sex life is shit. I just don't want it. I'm fairly sure I would want it with someone else. I'm just not keen on having it with him and I'm sure this all started when the underwear thing came about and started getting more and more. I have told him before that its not exactly a turn on and he just said "you didn't have a problem at first" I didn't really have answer to that.

He also likes us to have sex when he's wearing it (or has been). I would often 'feel' and there it was, the womens underwear.

gamerchick Wed 21-Aug-13 16:46:44

It would be a deal breaker for me. Some woman don't mind but I'm certainly not one of them.

Maybe remove the bag and add his knickers to it and put in a different place until he brings it up. It might force a conversation.

Jan45 Wed 21-Aug-13 16:51:56

Eugh, how can he expect you just to accept this, selfish git.

zatyaballerina Wed 21-Aug-13 17:23:08

You're not into him and the sex is shit, why are you with him?

Vivacia Wed 21-Aug-13 18:16:44

Plenty of couples would be fine with this.

I think the lack of communication is the key factor here. The fact that there's so much pretending and denial and perhaps shame is the damaging thing.

BoozyBear Wed 21-Aug-13 18:20:51

you said it started just after you got with him

are you talking before or after you got married?

if it was before, and you know its a turn off, why did you marry him? infact, knowing its a turn off why are you still with him married or not?

AllFallDown Wed 21-Aug-13 19:37:13

If it's not something you can live with, then maybe you need to reconsider your relationship.

However, if he has a compulsion to wear women's underwear, it doesn't make him a selfish git – it's who he is. And I would guess that if he's buying 50 pairs of knickers and now expanding his range, he feels as though he can finally fulfill his own needs, rather than doing it for casual kicks.

But both partners have to be comfortable with it …

mcmooncup Wed 21-Aug-13 19:58:50

The bag thing is a little worrying - do you think he is engaging in something outside of the house?

WeAreSeven Wed 21-Aug-13 20:29:33

Have to say, I wouldn't like this either and would also find it a turn-off.

It sounds to me as if he's too much into it to change. And it's unfair for him to say that you were OK with it at first. You have a limit. Just because you were OK with it once doesn't mean that you are OK with it all the time. He's not taking your needs into consideration, your need to be turned on. He's being selfish.

I know that if this were me, I'd have to put an end to the relationship if he wouldn't stop.

This may be jumping the gun but you might want to google Beaumont Society and the associated support group Women Beaumont Society.

Beamont Soc is for tansvestites / transsexuals etc. and obviously the women's support group is for their partners.

I don't have personal experience of this but when I trained as a counsellor I was introduced to this group and they were very friendly and offer good support. They could be the place to start? I can't link sorry as on my phone.

Good luck OP. I'd find this tough to deal with too.

It's women of the Beaumont society org I think ....

justwondering72 Wed 21-Aug-13 21:38:32

Lordy op, it's really difficult. My first serious boyfriend turned out to be a transvestite. He kept it secret from me for over three years. After he told me, it was a relief to know what was going on but it was very clear that he was absolutely compelled to dress as a women. It wasn't something he could shake off, he could not choose to not have that urge. Possibly he could have chosen to continue to hide it, keep it secret, but it was tearing him apart. As soon as his secret was out to me, his dressing up escalated. It was like he'd been given permission to go further. And it was horrible. A total turn off sexually.

I think you really need to have an honest discussion with yourself first. What are you prepared to accept, can you live with some degree of it? And then talk with your oh. If he needs or intends to take his own compulsion to greater lengths, are you comfortable with that? I wasn't. When he started asking me to help him do his make up, and spending his money on visiting places where he could dress up fully and get his wig done etc, it was the end for me.

FastLoris Wed 21-Aug-13 21:57:53

Why does it bother you?

I understand not liking it during sex. But maybe you could reach an agreement with him not to wear it then, if he felt free to do it at other times.

morethanpotatoprints Wed 21-Aug-13 22:07:04

I would throw it in the bin or burn it, that would make him sing like a canary.
I think you are marvellous for putting up with this for as long as you have and clearly love him, it must be really hard for you.
He is being selfish though and you both need to talk about this.

venusandmars Wed 21-Aug-13 22:23:50

My friend was in your situation - her dh would not have called himself a transvestite, he just enjoyed the feeling of wearing woman's underwear, and eventually he could not become aroused without it.

My friend went to see a counsellor to get some support for herself. She was very clear with her husband that she did not like it, and that she was going for counselling. The counsellor helped her to think through what she found acceptable and unacceptable, and also the positives about their relationship as well as the difficulties.

As a result my friend decided that on balance their relationship was worth staying for, but she also set some very strong boundaries. e.g. her dh was never to wear her underwear; she also did not want to see any evidence so her dh had to keep his underwear hidden and wash / dry / put it all away himself (she would not do it, and she didn't want to see it in the wash basket); he was not to wear it while they were together etc.

Obviously you will have your own tolerances, and will make your decision. I have known about my friend's dh for about 15 years (and he was wearing woman's underwear for many years before this), and I now see my friend and her dh closer than they have been, and my friend is very glad that she made the decision to stay. Although she says if her dh had crossed any of the boundaries she would have left.

Jan45 Thu 22-Aug-13 10:20:26

AFD: What makes him a selfish git is not talking to his partner and hiding things in the back of a wardrobe, he is not considering her in any of it by the sounds of things.

ItsATurnOff Thu 22-Aug-13 10:48:57

Thanks for your replies.

He did exactly what I knew he would, and said nothing. I left and left it, thinking that maybe he would in a minute. It got to the point where I got fed up so when he was watching tv and just sat there and looked at him. He looked at me, in a guilty way and said "what" I just raised my eyebrows and said that I wasn't the one who had something to say.

He knew, obviously. He just said "well you found my bag" and I said yes. He looked upset and ashamed. I told him that it was way too far, as I wasn't happy with the other stuff as it was, but he had chosen to ignore that anyway.

He said he would just get rid of it and I said its that simple then? I asked him about it being an addiction because there is clearly no need to have that much, he did admit that it could be. I said how can you just stop then and he said he will just have to. I told him that if he doesn't get rid of it or if I find anything like that again then we are done. He knows I mean it. I told him that anytime he felt compelled to buy anything to ask himself whats more important, that or me and the kids. He wouldn't want to lose us, I know that. We are his life and he would be broken without us. I asked him if it went any further than that and he said no, its just the underwear, its a turn on for him which has replaced the lack on intimacy in our relationship. I get that, I really do. A lot of our sex life issues are mine and I know that, I kind of bury my head in the sand about it. I do worry now though that if he has to do without his 'thing' that is a replacement for anything else (and our sex life issues are going to be hard to sort out) then what else could happen or replace it.

He said the stuff I found was just underwear and I said its not, its more than that, women don't wear that stuff on a day to day basis. I asked him if he would wear stockings and that and he actually stopped and thought about it, he said no and I said why not then because that's just underwear as well. I believe he doesn't want to dress as a woman but he did hesitate at first about the stockings. I don't know whether that is just because he was thinking about it.

I asked him when he had worse these things and he said when I went away for the weekend with my friends, so I said you bought it for when I was going away then, but he said he had had it for 10 years, which I found very very hard to take actually. It did cross my mind then and there to end it but that seemed an overreaction just because he had had it for years and only worn it once or twice.

When I found it and thought about leaving, I did realise that I don't want us to split. He is a good husband and a brilliant dad. I am amazed when people I know say about the things he does because to me its normal but no one else's DH seems to do the same sort of hands on dad stuff and husband stuff, although he isn't perfect obviously. I also have a long term illness that he is very understanding about. I can't see many people being as good as he is about it.

Wow that's long!!

ItsATurnOff Thu 22-Aug-13 10:49:53

worn these things

Enb76 Thu 22-Aug-13 11:26:25

Ok, so it's a turn-off but it doesn't actually change him as a person. He's still all the good things you think about him, it's just he has a quirk that you didn't know about. The reason men don't tell us these things is because they think we will react badly - and we do, don't we?

I think if it's something you feel you are unable to accept then you should probably think about leaving. It is unlikely that he is able to change this part about himself. If you think you can accept it then you may be able to set some boundaries that both of you find acceptable but you won't be able to stop him doing it.

ItsATurnOff Thu 22-Aug-13 15:30:41

Do you really think that he won't stop doing it though?

He has said he will stop. I questioned him on this and said how but he just said "well I have to". He did quit smoking on his first attempt (was my fifth attempt) because there was a good enough incentive.

Do you really think its that much of a problem that he won't be able to stop?

Isetan Thu 22-Aug-13 16:39:36

Do you really think its that much of a problem that he won't be able to stop?

Your'e in denial.

It sounds like a compulsion and I doubt he can just stop. Compulsions often need therapy to overcome. What will probably happen is he will just hide it and you guys will go back to pretending.

Demanding he just stops at this point in your relationship is unrealistic. You are where you are because of your failures to communicate. Get yourselves to a counsellor and have an honest and frank conversation like grown ups.

Vivacia Thu 22-Aug-13 19:51:47

I feel sorry for your husband. This is who he is.

WeAreSeven Thu 22-Aug-13 20:10:30

It might be who he is, but the OP doesn't have to like it. And she doesn't.

thebirdsandbees Thu 22-Aug-13 20:17:51

Oh no. I couldn't be happy with a man with a weird fetish. Poor you, hope it all gets sorted for the best.

Vivacia Thu 22-Aug-13 21:15:44

I just feel sorry for the husband. Firstly, what he's doing isn't wrong, yet he has the disgust of his most cherished person in the whole world. I just don't understand what options this situation leaves him with, other than deceit.

nkf Thu 22-Aug-13 21:25:04

He could leave. Or stop doing it. They're alternatives to deceit. OP doesn't sound disgusted to my mind. More puzzled and turned off.

TrueStory Thu 22-Aug-13 21:43:39

I think cross-dressing is more common than people think. I have met at least 2 men in my life who did this. Certainly, the second man I knew found it extremely shaming and distressing, the actuality and the secrecy. I do agree to a large extent with whoever said, well, that's who he is.

Where that leaves you though, OP, I don't know, I am sure it is difficult. Somebody suggested the Beamont Society earlier?; it might be good to contact them before you make any drastic decisions.

Vivacia Thu 22-Aug-13 21:47:58

I personally would find this very difficult to deal with, but I love my partner so much I'd be willing to seek support and try the recommendations above.

Mumsyblouse Thu 22-Aug-13 21:59:47

I don't think what he's doing is wrong either. It is just a fetish, not something disgusting although I can see it's a turnoff for some and that boundaries could be set around it if you don't like it. But plenty of women are with men who dress as women, or use certain make-up (Eddie Izzard) or just like women's underwear but are very masculine and straight- I really think you should seek out women in a similar situation to yourself, if you carry on here, lots of people are just telling you they find it awful, but I don't think you know how you would feel until it happens to you- and if you love your husband and you are coping together with your illness/sexual issues too, then some compassion is in order, not condemnation.

I'd rather have a good man who wore women's knickers than one with a porn habit, or was unfaithful or was many of the things I read about on MN (my husband doesn't but I feel the tone of some of the posts is less than compassionate). You don't marry a perfect person, you marry a real person, this is part of him. Decide what you can cope with, get counselling, let him know where the boundaries lie, I think you can deal with this.

WeAreSeven Thu 22-Aug-13 22:51:05

No, it's not wrong per se, in itself.

But he only let her know by stealth. If you have a fetish like this it's only fair to make sure that the person you are with doesn't have a problem with it before you forge a relationship, get married, have children. There are women who are fine with it. But the OP is not one of them and it sounds like it's a dealbreaker for her.

And I don't see why women should have to bend over backwards to accommodate their husbands' fetishes just because it's "who he is". He should have let her know "who he is" long ago before she invested her future in him.

I would place a bet on it that he won't/can't stop and that he'll just expect her to put up with it whether she likes it or not.

Could you live with him doing it as long as he keeps it to himself ie hides his things away and takes care of the washing etc himself? If not, then you need to separate. Because it is not up to you to forbid him from doing this. If you think about it logically, it's such a harmless thing to want to do. It's just clothes. He isn't attacking anyone. You say he's a lovely man in every other respect: if he were to keep it private then could you not just regard it as a little hobby that doesn't interest you and is of no relevance to you?

zippey Fri 23-Aug-13 01:51:30

Is it really a fetish though? Or is it only a fetish if a man wears "womens" clothes? It wouldn't be a fetish if a woman did that I guess.

It's ok for OP not to like it though but she was aware of the habit before marriage. It might not be deceit by stealth. As the years go by he might just enjoy doing it more, like a hobby or something.

Communication and comprimise is the key to both OP and DH. Dont ask him to stop, but ask him to reign it in and do it less.

Monty27 Fri 23-Aug-13 02:16:50

If you don't want to accept it don't.

Libertine73 Fri 23-Aug-13 03:22:39

I agree with SGB, you can't ban him from doing this, it wouldn't work anyway.

tbh the communication in this relationship sounds shot, if you have problems in your sex life you need to deal with them, not bury your head in the sand, you sound like you've given up on that side of things, it's a separate issue, but an important one to keep you connected.

justwondering72 Fri 23-Aug-13 08:17:19

Hi op

I wouldn't agree that what your oh is doing is either an addiction which he could learn to control or a fetish, which he could choose not to indulge in. If he is anything like my ex then it's something he is compelled to do. Yes he can choose how he reacts to his compulsion, whether it's too keep it all hidden from you etc but I don't think the urge, the need to do it is going to go away.

Have you ever had counselling as a couple? I kind of agree with the op, that even if the cross dressing thing magically went away, there would still be problems with communication and sex.

After I find out about my partners cross dressing, things went from bad to worse. I was totally lost about how I should react and muddled asking for a while as a kind of girlfriend / therapist / make up consultant - and I was desperately unhappy. Like a op says I felt sorry for my bf, because it was part of who he was and he had to keep it all secret from everyone. We limped along for a few months but split. It was very different to your situation -much younger, not married, no kids. But I think you have to decide what your own limitations are, and what, if any, dressing you can live with. A counsellor just for you might be able to help you sort that out.

ItsATurnOff Fri 23-Aug-13 18:30:08

Hi, back again.

I actually don't think its an addiction, but more like a compulsion like justwondering said. He said immediately that he would get rid of it, what he actually said was "well I'll have to get rid of it won't I" and when I pressed him and said do you actually want to, he wouldn't answer and said he had no choice. That told me what I needed to know. He doesn't want to stop doing it, he will be stopping because I made it clear that I don't like it and gave him an ultimatum. Whether this would lead to more secrecy I don't know tbh. I'm not sure if I could be happy with him doing it like venusandmars's friends.

I do think we need counselling really. We have been out for the day today and its clear that I am not happy. There have been times when I have questioned our compatibility and wondered if we should split but I never actually saw myself doing it, when taking the kids out for the day, it always seems to feel better. Today I felt like I was going through the motions. There was a point when I actually felt like I don't know if I can come back from this. I keep picturing the stuff I found and DH wearing them and it makes me feel uurrgghh. The underwear itself wasn't as bad, even though I wasn't over the moon and I didn't want him sexually, this just seems more.

We were suppose to have psychosexual counselling a few years ago but I got pregnant and they won't do it when you are pregnant. I was suppose to phone back when the baby was 6 months old and we wouldn't have had to go through the waiting list again, but I never did.

Part of me has often wondered if I fancy DH that much. I don't find him unattractive but I don't feel like I want to rip his clothes off either but then that could just be part of early relationship stuff that fades anyway. This is my first relationship. We have been together for 13 years.

I always thought our (non existent) sex life was soley down to me because I do have issues in that area, but there is stuff that I realise isn't down to me, like the way we do it and that, don't really want to go into detail, but that's stuff from him and as I am inexperienced, I just accepted it.

I don't know what I want really. I don't want our family to break up. I know there are far worse things out there and everyone has issues with their partner. Sometimes I think its a case of the grass is greener with me then people I know talk about their DH's and I think how lucky I am with mine.

I just feel a bit all over the place. He did start putting it all in a bad yesterday but I don't know how far he has got because DD went upstairs. I think its still in a bag in his wardrobe. I am actually seeing how long it takes him without me saying anything. If I 'take this away' then is he going to be desperately unhappy?

Wish I had a answer right now. He is worse than me at communicating which isn't great. Even when I do sit and talk to him, getting answers are like getting blood out of a stone, then he complains that I don't talk to him.

WeAreSeven Fri 23-Aug-13 18:34:52

Has sex always been all about him and what he wants? Rather than at least sometimes being about you and what you want?

Libertine73 Fri 23-Aug-13 18:41:23

I can almost guarantee he won't stop doing it. He will hide it better yes.

You have problems of your own sexually, fair enough, these are separate issues, you being off sex is not making him wear womens underwear, you know that don't you?

can you live with this? As I think that's the first thing,because I doubt he will stop.

Can you seek help with your own inhibitions/problems with sex?
by help I mean anything from talking to friends, to asking for advice on here, or talking to a GP.

Do you love him, and can you see yourself with him in 10 years? Not just because he's not an arsehole like some of the DHs yo hear abut from friends. but because you love him?

Vivacia Fri 23-Aug-13 18:41:23

The lack of communication is a real issue here, as I said in my first reply. Why torture yourself with not knowing, and worrying and imagining things? Just ask him!

ItsATurnOff Fri 23-Aug-13 18:41:53

Its not that its always about him and what he wants. He likes it to be good for me (and I have no problem having an orgasm), its things like he has never actually undressed me, he just sort of tugs at my clothes then waits for me to take them off, same with my underwear. When its time to have sex after foreplay, he just tugs at the top and waits for me to take them off. But as I am inexperienced I've never thought that this stuff contributed to our poor sex life, but I think it does.

I have issues because of abuse and I clam up (physically) big time. I've never been able to overcome it.

ItsATurnOff Fri 23-Aug-13 18:44:42

Vivacia I have asked him and I don't get straight answers. I just get "I don't have a choice" when I ask him if he can stop, even when I press him on it (because I know that he doesn't want to stop) he just says the same thing.

Libertine he says that he does it because of the lack of intimacy between us. I pointed out that he liked it way before this and he said it wasn't as often but because I don't seem to want him, then that's why he has done it more and more and its a massive turn on for him. Its makes sense I suppose.

Libertine73 Fri 23-Aug-13 18:55:00

I don't believe your lack of sex life is why he does it,he's told you he's had that stuff for over ten years. Maybe it escalates it? It depends what he gets out of it.

TheDoctrineOfPositivityYes Fri 23-Aug-13 18:55:01

OP, have you talked to him about the clothes tugging?

Can you follow up on the counselling now? However the relatuonsh

TheDoctrineOfPositivityYes Fri 23-Aug-13 18:55:34

OP, have you talked to him about the clothes tugging?

Can you follow up on the counselling now? However the relatuonship turns out, it may well be good for you to have done it.

Vivacia Fri 23-Aug-13 18:56:35

His behaviour of not undressing you doesn't sound odd to me.

It sounds as though you've got your answer then. He won't stop but neither will he cruely tell you bluntly that your wishes come second. But I meant about the bag, just ask him, "Is the bag still in the wardrobe?".

ItsATurnOff Fri 23-Aug-13 18:56:53

So what type of counselling do we need? Sexual and marriage is what I'm thinking. I know I can get referred for the sexual counselling through my GP but what about relate, or do you have to pay for that? Don't think we could afford to pay for counselling. I am currently awaiting counselling for other issues I have (yes, I am a bit of a train wreck really!) wrt my past, nothing to do with this at all, although I don't know if the abuse will come up.

I don't want to just give up but at the moment I am not sure if I can get past it on my own.

Turnedrightoff Fri 23-Aug-13 18:57:19

I've namechanged for this but just wanted to say thanks so much OP for raising this. I have nearly the same thing with DH (except not 50 pairs I think!) ever since we were together. I've made him swear he doesn't wear it out of the house - I hate to think he'd bend down wearing jeans and his work mates would see a lacy frill. I've never dared ask for advice on MN.

We have a pretty crap sex life - infrequent, we were both fairly inexperienced before we got together. In every other way we are the best of friends and absolute life partners, DH is someone I really love and respect. But every time he (infrequently, these days) makes an approach I just have to say "are you wearing..." because I find it such a turn-off. And hate myself for hurting his feelings. If I come across them in the washing I sometimes just bin them out of annoyance. We did have some counselling a long, long time ago, the very lovely counsellor sensibly said it shouldn't be a show stopper and we really just needed to be better at communicating. But it's just got pushed to the bottom of the priorities behind work/kids/DIY etc.

A lot of men find talking about sensitive things hard - I honestly don't think they have the vocabulary to describe emotions.

If I could have a wish I'd wish for us to have a relaxed, interesting active sex life where I was completely cool about it (and I think if we did he'd be interested in women's knickers less and hopefully mine more). I can see that maybe I have to change too. As others have said at least it's not porn or an OW.

I do believe that counselling can often help relationships and I suppose that would be our best route. When we have time...

Good luck OP and posters. So glad it's not just us.

Turnedrightoff Fri 23-Aug-13 19:00:00

OK x-posted with about the last 20 minutes. I've got to go out now so I'll try & catch up tomorrow.

ItsATurnOff Fri 23-Aug-13 19:01:03

I didn't want to ask him about the bag because I wanted to see how hard it is for him to get rid of. If he leaves it and leaves it then it will give an indication of how hard it is for him and I can go from there. If he had just got it all done and thrown it, then it doesn't look like so much of a problem. I have no issue asking him if he has got rid yet but I don't want to because I am trying to gage how much of a problem it is for him.

The undressing isn't odd, I just assumed for years that all the sex stuff was me, but actually, the lack of anything different or simple stuff has never made me think 'wow' and want it more.

I guess we settled pretty young really, but this is what I have chosen and I am not going to just quit.

Yes I think the counselling needs to happen because I have reasons for my issues that won't be resolved with a change of partner.

ItsATurnOff Fri 23-Aug-13 19:04:02

Turnedrightoff do you know what, its such a relief to hear about someone in the same position!!

I can't talk to anyone in RL about it as I wouldn't do that to DH, he would be utterly mortified and I couldn't do that to him.

I haven't seen it on here so I had to raise it. Its good to know (although not really because that means someone else feels like me) that I am not alone.

DH will be back soon so I'll have to wait until he's not around.

ItsATurnOff Fri 23-Aug-13 19:07:18

I've found a brilliant local website so I am going to have a look on that and I am also going to tell DH that we need help and see what he says.

Part of the problem is I thought that we always have the kids and he works full time but it looks like they are open until 9pm so we can go after the kids are in bed.

Still after an help and advice on here though. I always find MNetters very helpful. smile

Vivacia Fri 23-Aug-13 19:18:20

I think the ideas in your 19:07 post are far more healthier than trying to lay traps. Good luck to you both.

TiggyD Fri 23-Aug-13 22:13:57

Never play hunt the thimble with a transvestite.

A quote from me to cut out and keep, but seriously, it's something that goes to the very core of him. It's one of the things that goes to make him him. Ban it and he'll get depressed and mess himself up, or he'll hide it and mess himself up that way. TVs are very good at hiding, hence the inital quote. They can do it for decade after decade.

You sound like you need counselling AS A COUPLE. And try this website. The Beaumont Society is a bit twin set and pearls and lily of the valley bath salts.

FastLoris Sat 24-Aug-13 00:19:59

I just feel sorry for the husband. Firstly, what he's doing isn't wrong, yet he has the disgust of his most cherished person in the whole world. I just don't understand what options this situation leaves him with, other than deceit.

I agree.

And for those being so blase about leaving him, bear in mind the OP is talking about splitting him up from his children, despite acknowledging herself that he's a great dad to them. How this can be justifiable - for either him or the children - just because he has a personal clothing fetish that she doesn't happen to like, is beyond me.

Some people don't seem to get that it's perfectly possible for married couples to have aspects of their lives that they follow alone, that their partner doesn't share or understand, and that every detail of a person's life doesn't require the explicit approval of their partner. Wearing clothes that were designed for a different gender is HARMLESS. They're pieces of material, not violent offensive weapons.

You don't like it, so work out a way for it not to involve you. My wife has all kinds of things she likes doing that I don't, so she does them without me. I thought everybody did.

WeAreSeven Sat 24-Aug-13 00:59:37

So her children matter and her husband matters but she doesn't? What she wants and needs come bottom of the pile?

The OP sounds to me as if she's repulsed by this. And if she is, she is. The fact that it turns him on does not negate this because his feelings don't trump hers.

It they're only "pieces of material" then why should he be turned on by them, why should it matter to him what type of pieces of material they are?

And so far, he has not pursued this alone. He has brought the underwear into her bedroom and into her bed. Into her personal and sexual space and she doesn't want them there. And this lady has already suffered abuse so has already had someone invade her private, sexual space. She doesn't want this, nor should she be expected to.

BoozyBear Sat 24-Aug-13 09:15:24

yes, but you dont go into a marriage to change someone, you are supposed to love and accept them for who they are.

Why should he stop being who is is just because she has now announced, 13yrs down the line after they've had kids that actually, she doesn't like it and wants him to stop or the marriage is over.

She should never have lied about it or led him along into thinking she was ok with it. She has lied all along. she knew about this fetish before they married, if she has such a huge problem with it then she has entered into the marriage with him under false pretenses.

And its no more HER space and HER bedroom and HER bed than his, they share a space and why should HER preferences take precedence.

The OP is the one with the problem here, not her DH, all he wants to do is wear underwear designed for women, which in the scheme of things, isn't such a problem.

The OP needs to get to the bottom of why it disgusts her so much.

calmingtea Sat 24-Aug-13 09:50:40

It doesn't sounds like he is a transvestite, but rather that lady's knickers is his fetish and where he gets his sexual kicks. Yes it is 'who he is' but OP could have entered the relationship where the underwear was much less relevant, and with time it has escalated into more of an addiction for him. For the OP it can feel like there are 3 people in a sexual relationship and that she is the less important. Her partner is being very unfair hiding it and not being open, as clearly he is making decisions about their sex life that don't involve her. If he is not being a considerate lover with her and his focus is more and more on the underwear, it can feel just like someone having an addiction to porn or an affair. A partnership is two people, and of all things their sex life should be open and shared. She has not lied, but communication has broken down. I can imagine that he played down the significance of his fetish to her at the start of their relationship and since, and that now with time it has become a much bigger deal to him. How exactly is that OP's fault???

Vivacia Sat 24-Aug-13 10:29:36

I don't think there should be any blame or apportioning fault. This is a sad and difficult situation which requires compassion and understanding on both sides.

For some reason, early on, the existence of the small number of knickers was ignored. I wonder if he pretended they didn't exist due to shame or confusion and if she pretended they didn't exist because they were the only flaw in an otherwise perfect package.

BoozyBear Sat 24-Aug-13 10:46:38

how is putting them in the washing hiding it?

the only thing he has 'hidden' is the two body suits, and it cant be called hiding when they're in a bag in the wardrobe.

hiding is secreting it in the loft under the floorboards or something, not leaving it in the wardrobe where they can be found at any moment.

ItsATurnOff Sat 24-Aug-13 11:39:02

"Why should he stop being who is is just because she has now announced, 13yrs down the line after they've had kids that actually, she doesn't like it and wants him to stop or the marriage is over.

She should never have lied about it or led him along into thinking she was ok with it. She has lied all along. she knew about this fetish before they married, if she has such a huge problem with it then she has entered into the marriage with him under false pretenses"

I massively resent this!!!!! angry

I have NOT suddenly announced 13 years down the line. He has been perfectly aware for some years that I thought it was getting far too much. I said as much to him but he done his usual of completely ignoring something that he didn't like or want to talk about. I can't make someone who just walks away, talk to me about it.

Before we got married, it was a couple of pairs, that he occasionally wore. It has got more and more over the years and I made it obvious to him that I didn't like it, however he just ignored it.

I did not LIE to him, I was ok with it occasionally, with the odd pair. Not to the extent it has got to and NOT with the other things I found in the wardrobe. This marriage was not entered to under false pretences. I am hugely offended by your insulting post.

"She has not lied, but communication has broken down. I can imagine that he played down the significance of his fetish to her at the start of their relationship and since, and that now with time it has become a much bigger deal to him. How exactly is that OP's fault???"

This. I do think he played it down, or it has just got worse over the years and maybe even he didn't know the extent.

I also do not believe he is a transvestite, he has never done anymore than the underwear and he says no when I asked him many years ago if it was more than underwear. I do believe him when he says this. Its quite obvious when he hesitates what he really thinks, but he doesn't hesitate when I ask him about dressing up further and I do believe him. I don't really like to label him as a transvestite because that's not what he is.

FastLoris I get what your saying but its not the same as a married couple having different hobbies or something like that, which is what you last line implies, of course we both have separate interests but that's not what this is. When he wears it to bed and expects sex whilst he's wearing it, its then very different to what you are saying.

Boozy yes it can be called hiding when they are tied up in a carrier in the back of his wardrobe. We have our own wardrobes and I don't usually go in his, hence him hiding it in there. I just happened to be putting something away in there when I saw it stuffed at the back.

MortifiedAdams Sat 24-Aug-13 11:46:51

I have to say (flame me if you feel the need), that if a man was more turned on by being in womens undrrwear than seeing me in it then we would split.

Any man that prioritises his fantasies and desires well above your wishes is someone who should be on their own or with someone who feels like they do.

Vivacia Sat 24-Aug-13 13:00:37

Mortified I would feel the same. That's one reason why I don't understand how the OP could handle a couple of pairs, but not 50. I think one pair is enough to inform a woman what her boyfriend's proclivities are.

GottaSayIt Sat 24-Aug-13 13:16:32

NCed for this. OP I have been through almost exactly the same. My exDH told me before we got married, but played it down so much I never thought I'd even see him like it.

Once we were married, it went a bit mad and our sex life was similar to yours. He had no sex drive unless he was wearing women's underwear. He wore women's clothes at home and I hated it.

You haven't been "lying" to him for 13 years, you have found that as time goes by it disturbs you more and more.

Sadly, my ex is an ex for this reason ( among several others). It muddled our roles and muddled my gender in my head too. Was I the man or the woman now? Once the sex life went, I felt like his mother. I felt like it was the silky underwear turn on he wanted and not my body. It was a lonely time watching someone fulfil their every compulsion and feeling very detached and uninvolved.

I have every sympathy for you and the posters who are being nasty are being unfair on you. Until you have been in this position, it seems so easy to say what you would do IF this happened to you.

It is a compulsion and even if he promises to stop, it probably won't work.

Good luck. flowers

GottaSayIt Sat 24-Aug-13 13:20:03

*The OP is the one with the problem here, not her DH, all he wants to do is wear underwear designed for women, which in the scheme of things, isn't such a problem.

The OP needs to get to the bottom of why it disgusts her so much.*

I disagree with every word of this. It's not just about a man who likes women's underwear. It is very hard to feel sexual feelings for a man who is wearing a nightie and silky knickers. The Op does not need to get to the bottom of anything. A turn off is a turn off.

Lizzabadger Sat 24-Aug-13 13:25:19

I think the underwear is the least of your problems. If you can't improve your relationship in general I think you need to think seriously about splitting. No one does their kids a favour by staying in an unhappy relationship. Good luck.

WeAreSeven Sat 24-Aug-13 13:40:56

She has to get to the bottom of why it disgusts her so much? Why should she? It's not like most of us are gagging after men in frilly knickers and it's abnormal not to be! She just doesn't like it. I don't know many women who do.
It sounds to me like she tried to be accepting and given an inch, he took a mile and now it's too much.

noddyholder Sat 24-Aug-13 14:52:43

I think the key is sorting out your sexual relationship and maybe if he is fulfilled in that area (and you!) he may feel less need to get his pleasure from the underwear. He may never fully give it up and its part of him and why should he? Maybe if you were both sorted sexually you could even enjoy it too?

GottaSayIt Sat 24-Aug-13 20:17:01

noddyholder. I think that's missing the point. He's not into women's underwear because he is not fulfilled sexually.

Maybe if you were both sorted sexually you could even enjoy it too?

I found sex with my DH repellent and confusing when he was dressed up in women's underwear. It is very hard to "sort yourselves sexually" when a whole secret part of his life seems alien and repellent to you.

Trust me, I've been there. It's not as simple as sorting your sex life, in fact, it can be the death knell to sex and romance.

Transvestism is a deep seated compulsion, not just a liking of silky fabric, or a sympton of an unfulfilled sex life.

Hey, OP... my DH has XD for a very long time. I'm like you - love him, but it has killed just about all sexual desire for him in my head.
Don't be tooled along by posters who say 'try to ignore it, it's just his little thing' - I totally get how it is massively linked to your sexual identity, desire, etc etc. It doesn't work, trying to ignore it. And don't think for one INSTANT that he will stop. If he does - his compulsion will come up in another form. It may help remove issues of depression or alleviate it / anxiety for him, as well, it's incredibly complex behaviour.

Not going to go into my life history here, ti's about you, not me. But if you have any questions, mail me privately. If you search for me you may find my previous threads about it. This nearly caused me to leave him about a year ago but I have worked through it now.
Good luck, I have every sympathy for you.
Much love.

justwondering72 Sat 24-Aug-13 22:05:31

I would agree with everything Gottasayit says. That you canlove the man and hate the behaviour. That your feelings about the behaviour can change over time. That he will minimise the importance or significance of it in the early stages of a relationship then, as he feels more comfortable or simply as the compulsion grows, the behaviour will escalate. And that, ultimately, you have to decide for yourself what you can live with and be happy. Because you are important. But the same goes for him. He needs to decide what he can live with, whether he can realistically limit his behaviour and genuinely be happy. And if you cant find some middle ground that you can both live with, then you have to both look at moving on.

Good luck OP.

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