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Should I tell the other woman's husband.

(237 Posts)
fudgelover Wed 21-Aug-13 15:14:07

My husband has been having an affair for at least the last four years. I found out last year. He left when I confronted him. Part of me feels that this man should know what is happening, but another part just wants to make this other woman suffer for what she has done. Would I just cause myself more problems by doing this.

CailinDana Wed 21-Aug-13 15:22:39

Don't get involved.

SheerWill Wed 21-Aug-13 15:26:13

I can understand why you would want to... but I really feel this would make you seem like the crazy, bitter, wronged wife. You might feel like this, but keep your dignity. As CailinDana said - leave well alone. Get on with your own life.

drasticpark Wed 21-Aug-13 15:32:05

I have been in this position. I told the husband. I don't regret it. There were no repercussions and I didn't care what they thought of me. I did what I felt was right.

The ow's husband apparently suspected the affair 18 months before I uncovered it but didn't tell me. I so wish he had. It would have saved me 18 months of misery.

DfanjoUnchained Wed 21-Aug-13 15:33:23

I would. Fuck them all, you don't owe them shit.

Ahhhcrap Wed 21-Aug-13 15:34:04

Don't do it.. It's her life, let her sort it.

I felt exactly the same, and for the last 3 years I've felt the ow got off scott free as her DH never knew. But.... I have no idea where it would have led to if I'd have said something. I do feel I have the moral high ground by being 'better' than them (even though I've spent many hours fantasising how I'd tell her DH)

My problem was my DH, not her or her DH.

meditrina Wed 21-Aug-13 15:34:43

If you simply want to make someone suffer, then don't.

If however you think that her H should be able to make his choices about his marriage in light of what is going on (whether he knows, suspects,or is completely in the dark), the yes tell. But in a gentle, basic fact-based way.

There was a long thread yesterday and today about someone who had found pictures of a friend's H snogging someone else and asked if she should tell her friend. There are lots of replies there from people who wish that they had been told by friends who knew. And the majority of posts on that thread supported telling.

It is the cheater who has cause the situation, not the messenger.

lunar1 Wed 21-Aug-13 15:40:53

I would tell, if someone knew my dh was cheating I would want to be told. He has the right to know his health is at risk and get an sti check.

MexicanHat Wed 21-Aug-13 15:43:59

It never fails to surprise me that people say they would want to know if there DH/DW was having an affair but they advise not the tell an innocent party. What happens if the innocent party never finds out? They are being made to live a lie. Surely they should be told so they can decide what path they want their live to take after being informed of all the details?

It's been 4 years. Has the OW left her H? I think you should tell if not

mynewpassion Wed 21-Aug-13 15:55:18

Because of the length of time, do it. No one wants to be a mug for that long.

DfanjoUnchained Wed 21-Aug-13 16:00:11

4 fucking years. Unbelievable,

Sister77 Wed 21-Aug-13 18:24:34

Tell him

Phalenopsis Wed 21-Aug-13 18:30:21

I'm not going to advise you OP on whether you ought to tell her husband or not. What I will tell you is this:

The messenger often gets shot. He might call you a liar. He might physically assault you. He might already know and will react in a hostile way to you telling him. He might make your life very difficult in some way.

You need to do what you feel is right BUT remember the above and if you don't feel strong enough to deal with any negative responses from him and her for that matter then keep schtum and deal with your own pain. smile

mammadiggingdeep Wed 21-Aug-13 19:02:26

I'd want to be told. If he really has no idea then he's being made a total fool of. Don't do it out of spite though.

LoopThePoop Wed 21-Aug-13 19:03:23

No, don't do it.
You will end up being the bad one in this.

I'd tell. Poor bloke. I'd want to know if I was him. My STBXH was having an affair for 2 years. I dearly wish someone had clued me in.

Also can't fathom why you'd end up being the bad one. Doesn't compute.

LEMisdisappointed Wed 21-Aug-13 19:09:54

Tell him, she is taking him for a cunt - I presume you would like to know?

LittlePeaPod Wed 21-Aug-13 19:12:35

I am so sorry to hear you have been had to go through this.. If I was the OM I definitely would want to know if DF was cheating. On that basis I would tell. Poor guy is been made a complete fool of. If it was you would you have wanted him to tell you?

Cluffyflump Wed 21-Aug-13 19:12:38

I've been cheered on and I'd say tell him.
I can't understand why not confused
Would the posters who said not to tell not want to know themselves?

Cluffyflump Wed 21-Aug-13 19:13:36

Ahhh! cheeted on not 'cheered'!

fifi669 Wed 21-Aug-13 19:15:06

I'd want to know. Esp for an affair that'd lasted that long. I'm sure he would too, even if, as people have said, he initially gets angry. He'll thank you in the end.

Plus, it may be spiteful, but why should she wreck your marriage and emerge unscathed? (Obviously your DH wrecked it too).

DontCallMeDaughter Wed 21-Aug-13 19:16:49

I'd want to be told and I would definitely tell the OW's DH. Secrets are burdens and why should I carry one for them?

missbopeep Wed 21-Aug-13 19:18:55

Be honest with yourself first.

I don't think you are considering this out of pure altruism for the OW's H- you are doing it as a betrayed wife who wants the OW to suffer and bear some of your pain. It's all about revenge.

For all you know, he may have had numerous affairs. You have no idea what has gone on their marriage- only that your DH was unfaithful to you.

If he is living a lie that's their business. Not yours. You need to let it go because otherwise you will end up more bitter and angry than you are now- an action like this won't lance your wounds.

converselover Wed 21-Aug-13 19:30:44

Never good to give in to bunny boiler tendencies.
Get some counselling to help you move on.

LEMisdisappointed Wed 21-Aug-13 19:37:46

converselover - are you for real? Why the hell wouldn't she tell the poor sap - to be honest, i think its wrong NOT to tell him. How is it being a bunny boiler?? that was a pretty shitty thing to say actually

mammadiggingdeep Wed 21-Aug-13 19:38:10

LEMisdisapointed......don't mince your words!! Lol!!!! Perfect use of the c word..... smile lol

MexicanHat Wed 21-Aug-13 19:38:29

The OP found out about the affair last year. That's at least 8 months ago. I think she's probably had time to digest it and any revenge/bunny boiler thoughts would have passed by now or they would have been carried out months ago.

And I'm afraid the OW made it the OP's business by having an affair with her husband for 4 years!!

What are your thoughts about the conflicting advice so far OP?

LEMisdisappointed Wed 21-Aug-13 19:39:52

thanks mamma - i don't always get it right though, it is my favourite word smile

mammadiggingdeep Wed 21-Aug-13 19:39:55

....and I agree....she's not a bunny boiler. Unless there's stuff we don't know about her stalking/not letting go.....

missbopeep Wed 21-Aug-13 19:49:53

It is impossible for an outsider to know if telling the husband will improve his life and marriage or make it a whole lot worse.

So the right action is to do nothing. He may well know already. How does the OP know whether he knows or not?

And 8 months is nothing- I've known people not get over affairs for life-never mind 8 months.

She's lashing out wanting to cause pain. I wish she'd admit that and not pretend she was doing someone a favour.

BitOutOfPractice Wed 21-Aug-13 19:51:18

OK if I were you this is what I'd think.

I know I shouldn't

But I realy want to

Then I'd torture myself doe months about what to do

BitOutOfPractice Wed 21-Aug-13 19:53:33

missbopeep if she was "lashing out" she'd have done it months and months ago

mcmooncup Wed 21-Aug-13 19:53:46

I would tell in this situation too.
You can do it with dignity.
You are telling the truth, so I don't get the problem people have with this.
Otherwise it is like you are covering in some way for the 2 people having an affair. Their choices, so I presume they are happy to live with it.

mammadiggingdeep Wed 21-Aug-13 19:56:06

LEM.....I never use it myself (seems too naughty for a square like me) but I LOVE it when other people use it on just the right context.

Actually....I lie...I have used it a few times in my life and boy did it feel good. Sometimes only the c bomb will do!!! smile

mammadiggingdeep Wed 21-Aug-13 19:57:17

Yes, op...what do you think about the conflicting advice?? Which point of view do you most agree with??

MirandaWest Wed 21-Aug-13 19:58:23

When I found out about XHs affair I knew the OWs DP didn't know. I knew his name and as it was a distinctive one (possibly unique) it would have been easy for me to get in touch with him. I thought about it for several months but in the end didn't. I was happy I didn't tell him.

I probably wouldn't have appreciated being told about XHs affair although I found out after about 6 months so not as if he had been going on for years.

missbopeep Wed 21-Aug-13 19:58:48

Bit not necessarily. revenge is a dish best served cold, eh?

And in the context, 8 months is nothing

VulvaVoom Wed 21-Aug-13 20:05:39

Are you wanting to cause the OW grief? Or do you feel the Husband should be told, so he's not being duped/mugged off? Apologies for the 'mugged off' I'm not a cockney but can't think of another phrase!

You could do it anonymously if you don't want to be dragged into it?

On the plus side, you aren't 'blamed' for outing the OW/Wife BUT on the negative side, you would probably leave the husband bewildered and with many questions he can't get the answer to.

MexicanHat Wed 21-Aug-13 20:07:11

Miranda - really? You wouldn't have appreciated being told that your H was having an affair? Can I ask why?

LemonPeculiarJones Wed 21-Aug-13 20:26:52

Tell him.

They don't deserve for you to be 'dignified' and restrained, and he deserves to know.

I assume you'd want him to tell you if the situation were reversed?

converselover Wed 21-Aug-13 20:30:37

Let's hope the ow has kids then. Then deserve a good fucking over too presumably with "the truth"? A really cold dish to enjoy.

ageofgrandillusion Wed 21-Aug-13 20:34:04

Would you want to know you were living a lie with some devious fucker? I know i would. The sooner you tell him, the sooner he can get on with his life.

Lazyjaney Wed 21-Aug-13 20:37:17

Do it. revenge is a dish best eaten cold.

LittlePeaPod Wed 21-Aug-13 20:39:22

Converselover. I wonder if OW is thinking about her kids when she is on her back getting nailed behind her innocent husbands back... If she does have kids she clearly doesn't care how her behaviour/actions will impact their lives...

Capitola Wed 21-Aug-13 20:39:44

I disagree.

The best revenge is living well.

With your dignity intact.

Supertrooper88 Wed 21-Aug-13 20:55:13

Yes you MUST tell him.

Not for spite. Not to get back at her or your ex DH.

Tell him because the poor sod is probably flogging his dead horse of a marriage with no idea there is no point. He is wasting his life stuck for years with someone who is involved elsewhere. He is being deprived of an honest and open life/relationship by not being told.

A close friend found out her DH had an affair for 4 years behind her back and even now 11 years on says to me "I wasted 4 years of my life trying to make that marriage work when there was no point." Years later she frequently brings up the fact that certain people knew but didnt want to get involved.

Do the bloke a favour and tell him but tell him the facts and dont make it a witch hunt.

DrHolmes Wed 21-Aug-13 21:37:21

Agree with super, tell him. Poor guy.

missbopeep Wed 21-Aug-13 21:40:34

It's a bit laughable posters saying 'they'd want to know if it were them'.

If you don't know you aren't aware that there is anything to know!

No one has taken on my point that he may know already OR just as likely doesn't give a fuck. It's possible.

Basic rule is don't ever interfere with anyone else's marriage.
It never turns out well.

OP- get some counselling and work through your feelings there- you don't 'owe' this man anything and your desire to somehow 'save' him is misplaced.

forumdonkey Wed 21-Aug-13 21:48:19

If you feel like telling him tell him - whatever your motives are. He's as involved in their affair as you are. By saying he shouldn't be told is like saying you didn't have the right to know about the affair too. Of course he has a right to know as you did - what he does with the information is then down to him.

JassyAlconleigh Wed 21-Aug-13 22:00:31

another part just wants to make this other woman suffer for what she has done.

I think that's the crux; understandable but not helpful to either party.

You should be looking forward, not for spiteful revenge.

How do you know he doesn't know? Sorry if I missed that he did/didn't.

I know someone who did this and the husband knew. He had his own private reasons for remaining in the marriage and trying to make it work. The person who told him just looked like an unhinged bitch and opened all manner of old wounds. It did her no good at all and she made a real spectacle of herself.

I'm sure you could find more healthy bad constructive ways to move your life forward.

I hope you find some peace soon.

Bogeyface Wed 21-Aug-13 22:05:23

On another thread an MNer was told that she should definitely tell her friend about her husbands cheating because she deserved to know. Why is this man (who is presumably still with the OW) less deserving of the truth?

He has been made a fool of, and may still be, the OP knows and he doesnt. Of course she should tell him, anything else would be morally wrong.

Bogeyface Wed 21-Aug-13 22:06:59

It did her no good at all and she made a real spectacle of herself.

How did she do it? If she goes steaming in with "Your fucking whore wife has been fucking my husband......" and so on then yes, she will look ridiculous. But a well thought out letter or email to this man explaining simply what the OP knows and leaving it with him is a different matter.

ProphetOfDoom Wed 21-Aug-13 22:09:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Viviennemary Wed 21-Aug-13 22:12:10

The best time to have told him was when you first found out about the affair. I think if you want to tell him you should. But it's very possible he knows about it already but chooses to do nothing. A surprising number of people seem to do this.

forumdonkey Wed 21-Aug-13 22:12:37

IMO if you think the other man doesn't have a right to know then the OP didn't have a right to know either. Of course she had a right to know so in the same vain so does OW's H

JassyAlconleigh Wed 21-Aug-13 22:15:35

Without too much detail, she met him in a public place, and told him. He said he knew and so what, his marriage was none of her business. She got very upset, mainly because it wasn't the answer she expected and I think the thought of the OW still having her husband's love and respect was too much. She was very hysterical and he just left whole she called a mutual friend to get her as she couldn't drive. It was such a mistake and really put her back by months.

I think seeing him/knowing he was relatively unfazed was the killer.

I really wouldn't recommend it.

fudgelover Wed 21-Aug-13 22:20:45

Thank you for all the advice. I admit revenge is my main motive. If I could reveal all and get no comeback for me and all the children involved i definitely would. This is what has held me back so far. Especially my children finding out the real reason why their dad has left. I do feel some regrets for HER husband but feel that I would open up so much heartache if I did reveal all. She just seems to have got away with it. The affair is still going on and she still has her family, home and husband.

Bogeyface Wed 21-Aug-13 22:24:18

* The affair is still going on and she still has her family, home and husband.*

So he definitely doesnt know then? That is the reason to tell him if nothing else. If he had known and chosen to go on with the marriage then telling him would achieve nothing but that poor man is being crapped all over. You must tell him, you absolutely must.

Bogeyface Wed 21-Aug-13 22:24:41

Incidentally, dodgy reasons for wanting to do it (ie revenge) doesnt mean it is the wrong thing to do.

JassyAlconleigh Wed 21-Aug-13 22:30:43

She just seems to have got away with it. The affair is still going on and she still has her family, home and husband.

She hasn't really got away with anything though. She's living a total lie in a world built on insecurity and delusion.

You, on the other hand, have a lot of pain. A lot. But it is finite and will fade and change with time.

You also have a life with nobody lying in it. No confusion or illusions. You have truth and integrity and she will not know a peaceful night's sleep, however it looks from your perspective.

Neither she nor your ex are worth another second of your time. Try and find a way to concentrate on finding out more about what makes you tick, what you love and what your next adventure will be.

Fuck the bastards.

Fill YOUR life with lovely things. flowers Not poison.

Fairenuff Wed 21-Aug-13 22:32:52

Tell him. But do it sensitively.

I would say, just in case you're not aware, your wife is cheating on you. I have been in that situation and would want someone to tell me, so I'm just letting you know. If you want to know any more just contact me. If not, that's fine, I'll leave it. It's up to you.

That sort of thing. He will probably want to know more once it sinks in and he will want to think about what he wants to do about it.

You could always point him in the direction of mn

< helpful >

Bombjack Wed 21-Aug-13 22:53:43

You should definitely tell her husband. Affairs thrive on lies and secrecy. Don't keep someone else's sordid secret for them. Someone who you owe nothing, and has done you great harm.

A letter is probably best. Sensitively worded, and in a typed envelope (so no female writing on the front). It's not being a "bunny boiler", it's just making sure the other interested party knows what's happening.

What he does with the information is up to him, but your conscience would be clear. And, wanting revenge is perfectly natural under these circumstances too. It just means you're human, and hurting!

ProphetOfDoom Wed 21-Aug-13 22:54:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

missbopeep Wed 21-Aug-13 22:57:18

The only person you ought to be trying to influence if you really care about the OW husband and his emotional well being is your ex. He's the devil- he went after her, left you and is still in it.

But the fact is you don't care- you just want to vent your bitterness. you think that by taking revenge you will feel better for making another man feel rotten - or , maybe as we've all said, he knows and is happy to turn a blind eye. Then you'd look a fool. Maybe he and his wife have an 'arrangement'- you wouldn't know would you?

Maybe if you do spill the beans the outcome will not be what you want? Maybe the H will leave and your H move in? Maybe the OW would leave her H and run off into the sunset with your H?

Maybe the H would never believe you anyway , she'd deny it and they'd both think you were a deranged loon.

I don't think you have really thought beyond your emotions to try to hurt her - and how it may end up even worse for you.

Fairenuff Wed 21-Aug-13 23:15:42

I don't think it matters whether he believes her or not though bopeep. At least she will have done the decent thing and told the man. If he wants to stay with his cheating wife, that's up to him but he should at least have the right to make an informed choice.

meditrina Wed 21-Aug-13 23:32:17

If the children are hurt, it's not because ethe affair was discovered, it'dps because the affair happened. There is no reason for someone else to be more solicitous of their well-being than their mother is.

Affairs thrive in secrecy. Does this man deserve to be duped? Or should he be treated as an adult, to know information relevan to his life, and then to deal with it as he sees fit?

Lioninthesun Wed 21-Aug-13 23:37:46

I'd tell and have done before. Be aware that he may not believe you though.

Darkesteyes Thu 22-Aug-13 00:10:18

Tell him because the poor sod is probably flogging his dead horse of a marriage with no idea there is no point. He is wasting his life stuck for years with someone who is involved elsewhere. He is being deprived of an honest and open life/relationship by not being told.

I suppose this is possible Supertrooper but it could also be possible that her DH has denied her any affection or sex for a long time Believe me it does happen or rather it doesnt!!!!!

CookieB Thu 22-Aug-13 00:28:49

Why is the moral high ground not telling? "The bitterness, the children, your dignity"!? I wouldn't be able to sleep at night with this poor man thinking he is in a faithful marriage. Plus I'd quite happily wreck her fucking life!

thismousebites Thu 22-Aug-13 00:38:51

Tell him. Wish someone had had the decency to tell me. I ended up feeling a right mug as it felt like I was the last to know.

Sparklysilversequins Thu 22-Aug-13 00:54:37

I would.

CookieDoughKid Thu 22-Aug-13 01:06:11

I would tell him and ( also tell OW i grassed her up) without any hesitation but then I'm very mouthy like that. Make sure you present your evidence if you do. Your marriage is in ruins already and you have nothing more to lose and you would, if anything have been very charitable saving the husband's dignity and self respect. Lol.

CookieDoughKid Thu 22-Aug-13 01:08:52

But seriously, whatever you decide to do or don't, please don't blame yourself. Be kind to yourself. However being nice just doesnt get you anywhere. Time to toughen up so you and dcs get what's due before you get screwed over once again.... (Divorce for example)

Monty27 Thu 22-Aug-13 01:18:07

He deserves to know, would you like it? Well I wouldn't want to live in ignorant bliss that's for sure. She deserves being uncovered. Because she is a husband stealer and a liar and doesn't deserve any respect whatsoever.

Aw harsh I know, but I've been hurt.

cronullansw Thu 22-Aug-13 01:18:13

This has nothing to do with you.

Keep out.

Live your life.

Leavenheath Thu 22-Aug-13 01:43:11

Meh.

In my fairly long experience of Mumsnet and loads of threads posing this question, the people who repeatedly post 'don't tell' and what's more, show a complete lack of empathy for the OP's pain, are the ones who wouldn't have taken too kindly to someone grassing them up to their own husbands about their own affairs.

Just so you can take that into account wink

So I'm really sorry for your pain OP. It must be a crap situation and I totally get why you want to get some revenge. Like others, I don't particularly see that as a bad thing, plus I can't stand women's righteous anger being called 'bunny boiling' or any such crap adjectives that wouldn't be attributed to a man in the same shoes are you're walking in.

I don't have any strong views either way about whether you should tell him, but maybe get your own motives straight, think about the outcomes you could live with and try to protect all the people who are innocent and unwilling participants in this mess.

If you're going to tell him, do it with kindness and do it personally. He might suspect, he might even know, but there's just as much chance he's oblivious and you're going to give him a shock no-one wants to get. Be kind and show him some compassion, just as you would with anyone who was about to get terrible news. That's humane and that's dignified. Don't expect him to do anything with the info either. That's his call.

Manage your expectations and prepare yourself for the worst outcome, whatever that might be. That could be him doing nothing and turning a blind eye, or your ex and his wife formalising their relationship. Best to remember you are delivering information, but you can't control what people do with it.

I wouldn't be swayed by emotional views about the plight of their children if their marriage breaks up as a result. That's for their parents to manage, just as you can manage the situation if your own kids get to hear about their father's actions. You didn't cause the situation in the first place and neither did their father. Protect your own kids though and recognise there's a risk they'll find out the truth. Personally, I don't hold with lying to kids about why a marriage breaks up as long as the truth is delivered sensitively and kids are allowed to ask questions and form their own opinions- and aren't discouraged from maintaining a relationship with their dad.

If you can't deliver this news personally and you realise you can't live with some of the potential outcomes, it's best to keep your powder dry in my opinion. These things often have a way of unravelling and the truth outed sometimes years down the line.

Alternatively, if you can deliver this information with sensitivity and can live with the outcomes, I wouldn't deter you from it.

Good luck, love.

pleaseleave Thu 22-Aug-13 02:43:37

well if you tell him , she and your ex might get the chance to be properly happy together . people should have the guts to leave an unhappy marriage . but it's never that clear cut, is it?

LittlePeaPod Thu 22-Aug-13 07:54:07

Leavenheath i just wanted to say, you make some very valid points throughout your entire note and I completely agree with what you say. With regards the small extract from your note below, I would also like to add that in my short time on MN (only joined this year) I too have picked up on this. I have also noticed that some of the same people saying don't tell etc. are some of the same people that come out and strongly defend / support the few women that post threads about their affairs with married men that end up causing the break up of a marriage. I always find that intriguing.

In my fairly long experience of Mumsnet and loads of threads posing this question, the people who repeatedly post 'don't tell' and what's more, show a complete lack of empathy for the OP's pain, are the ones who wouldn't have taken too kindly to someone grassing them up to their own husbands about their own affairs.

Br0na Thu 22-Aug-13 07:57:35

I haven't read the thread but I think if I were in these shoes now I would send a letter yes. Because in the past I have felt so taken advantage of that it would be important not to go through feelings of resentment and injustice again. Personally I couldn't wait another few years waiting for feelings of injustice to pass, and letting the ow's husband know would speed up that process. But it's a very personal thing, it so depends.

Br0na Thu 22-Aug-13 08:11:13

having read the thread now it seems like the only reason that can be understood here for telling is 'spite'.

Well I think that ignores the damage that feeling used, betrayed and humiliated can do to a person, and to then have to watch the OW's life continue as normal, well the injustice of the situation would stoke all the other crushing weights bearing down on you in those shoes.

By telling I would aim to even out the pain. Offload some. Here take some. That re-distribution of it would feel fairer. I would write the letter so well there would be no doubt in anybody's mind that I was not a bunny boiler, but I guess it depends what you feel you can take and which emotions you know will choke you as you try to move out of the fog. If you can identify that injustice is the emotion that is going to bear down on you the heaviest for the next few years as you try to emerge from the mess, then I'd advise yeh, send a dignified letter and then feel some of the powerless go. You won't know what pans out from that letter, but some of the injustices of the situation will have been equalised.

with those emotions released it is then possible to go and live a good life which is obviously the best revenge but people type "move on!" as though that didn't take two years...

missbopeep Thu 22-Aug-13 08:17:17

At least she will have done the decent thing and told the man

So it's 'decent' is it to inflict pain on someone out of revenge?
Funny moral code there.
The OP states clearly this is an act of revenge.
Hurting someone else- the OW H- to somehow bring the OW to her knees ( she hopes) is spiteful and the action of someone who is weak.

And as for your comments Leaven- breathtaking arrogance as well as an over active imagination! You have the audacity to pronounce that anyone who thinks it's wrong for the OP to 'tell' must have had an affair themselves? Grow up dear.

Br0na Thu 22-Aug-13 08:22:00

Missbopeep, It's not necessarily revenge, that's too simplistic an interpretation.

I'm not arguing that it's always the right thing to do btw.

But if you can throw some of the crushing pain overboard by sending a letter then that is not an action I'd instantly rule out in OP's shoes. It depends. But if you can find that valve, identify it, and let some of the injustice go by sending a short factual letter, then it could be very healing to the OP, and I'd wonder, why not? why deny yourself that opportunity? It depends on the situation though.

ProphetOfDoom Thu 22-Aug-13 08:28:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DontmindifIdo Thu 22-Aug-13 08:34:21

Personally, I think you should tell him, for a number of reasons, firstly - he has a right to know. Now, it could be that he already knows, it could be they have an open marriage, or that have come to an agreement to turn a blind eye to her relationship with your H, so you might not get the big explosion in her life you want, but that doesn't change the fact he shouldn't be in the dark (if he is). Remember, it's not a secret now, it's not just the people having the affair who know about it, you know, and I assume there's others who know, it's really really shitty when the spouce is one of hte last to find out.

Secondly, you are currently protecting your H from the concequences of his actions and letting his need to keep it a secret take priority. He has no right to expect this. Keeping it from the DCs is a similar thing. If the affair isn't publicly known about, do your in-laws, friends etc know that the reason he's not living in the family home anymore is because he was having an affair or do they think it's just a general "it's not working out between us?" if so, he might be getting lots of sympathy at being thrown out because you've decided you don't love him. Why shouldn't he be exposed as a cheat?

Thirdly, the OW shouldn't be protected from the concequences from her actions. If you threw your H out a year ago, it's pretty obvious OW has taken the decision she doesn't want to leave her DH, so if forced into a 'him or me' decision, she might well not pick your H. Right now, nothing has changed for her - if anything, your H living outside his marital home has probably just made the OW's life easier - how they can meet up just when she's able to get away, not having to arrange two lots of cover stories. Right now, you know her secret, and she's only able to continue in her lifestyle hoping a random stranger who hates her guts is loyal enough to her to keep her secret. Why do you think you owe this woman loyalty?

But as I said at the top, if you want revenge or a big drama, be prepared you'll probably not get it, if they have an open marriage, or if the DH just says "thank you" and quietly accepts the affair then you might feel a great anti-climax. Don't try to push it or push him. Just contact him (I wouldn't do face to face, as others have said, he could lash out at you) and let him know the facts. Don't make any comment about his W that might trigger him being defensive, don't be emotional, just state facts and then completely leave alone. You might never find out the results of this action, don't contact him again and don't get upset if they end up stronger than before.

Also be aware, your H will definately be angry at you for blowing it all up. He will try to make it your fault that her marriage/family is in trouble, not his and OW's for having the affair in the first place. (I might be tempted to ask the OW's DH to not say how he found out so that you don't have to face that.) Also be aware that if OW's DH throws her out, she might end up living with your H.

Br0na Thu 22-Aug-13 08:42:23

I've never been in these exact shoes by the way but at one point I was the traumatised, abused, depressed mother of two small children who needed me. If I could have done something that made me feel less abused, more empowered, less a victim of injustice, then it would have helped me which would have helped me be a better calmer mother to my children, and that should be the oP's priority of course. Think about what will make you be a calmer, less distracted, less irritated mother to your own children

LittlePeaPod Thu 22-Aug-13 08:53:32

Missbopeep why do you feel Leaven is been arrogant and what makes you think she has an over active imagination? I believe she made it clear her comments were based on her experience on MN and unless you were party to every threads she has read or been involved in over the years then its a bit unfair to accuse attack her of arrogance and an over active imagination. A but unfair i think. We all base our opinions on our differing experiences and moral stance.

MorrisZapp Thu 22-Aug-13 09:03:37

Of course it's arrogant and made up to suggest that people who say don't tell are cheating themselves.

I usually say don't tell, and I've never had an affair in my life.

My sister was kindly given a heads up by a well meaning friend that her DP was seeing somebody on the side. Much trauma and heartbreak later, she's back with her DP and guess what, the messenger is now the villain of the piece.

I think that's a fairly standard scenario. People usually do anything they can to rationalise away their partners shit behaviour (blaming OW being the most common in my experience) and blaming messengers is part of that too.

meditrina Thu 22-Aug-13 09:10:58

She didn't accuse all 'don't tell' advocates of being cheats.

Just pointed out that many (and in her recall, most) have posted saying that they have been active affair partners.

Whether this is relevant to OP's own consideration of the desirability of covering up adultery is moot anyhow.

MorrisZapp Thu 22-Aug-13 09:14:15

I've never seen that but I can't say what she's read. Seems very odd to me though.

MorrisZapp Thu 22-Aug-13 09:15:32

She didn't say many or most. She said the ones who... Are the ones who... .

By implication, all of them. Yet I've never once seen that.

LittlePeaPod Thu 22-Aug-13 09:20:36

I have been on threads were at least a couple of posters on this thread have also been on defending the OW who was in an affair with a married man and the innocent parties had no idea what was going on. So I can see were she's coming from. If it didn't seem so childish I would link this thread to at least one other thread...

drasticpark Thu 22-Aug-13 09:42:04

What will you do, OP?

I told the OW's H several times and he blanked me. Then it all started to unravel until finally I said to XP, either you tell him or I will. At the time I had in my possession XP's phone and showed the H (at his request) multiple texts including one where OW stated that she would leave her 5 year old DD (with sn) to be with my XP. I then left the 3 of them to get on with what they wanted to do. I knew these people would be metaphorically culled from my life.

I really don't think I was motivated by revenge or wanting to wreak havoc. Without wishing to sound pompous I wanted truth and justice. I absolutely didn't care a flying fig whether I would be blamed as the messenger or thought of as a mad crazy bunny boiler. I had no regard whatsoever what they thought of me. I was more concerned about what I thought of me.

converselover Thu 22-Aug-13 09:47:16

Just as true though to say many of the ops who say tell are ones who have been cheated on themselves and having trouble moving on from bitterness and anger themselves (won't use the bb word!).
Nasty spiteful acts that do, and are designed to, hurt others are just that. Don't dress them up in moral righteousness or disown responsibility for your own actions.

JustBecauseICan Thu 22-Aug-13 09:54:17

Think, in my experience of MN and many years under many names on relationships it's far more likely that the do-tellers have had partners who have shagged around than that the don't-tellers are shagger-arounders.

DrasticPark- the naivety and disingenuousness of your last paragraph is bewildering. And a load of bollocks.

Chl0e Thu 22-Aug-13 09:54:44

I think you have to do what will give you the most peace of mind to carry on. If NOT doing it would torment you, then do it, throw that sandbag overboard. Try and do what you need to do to move on and to feel less injured. Moral high ground OR spiteful vengeance, and nothing inbetween/?? There are other motivations besides supercilious sanctimony and spiteful vengeance.

stooshe Thu 22-Aug-13 09:56:51

I used to stand in the "dignity" corner of life, stiff upper lip and all that jazz. Bad people thrive on the non sharing of information. Dignity is overrated in a lot of cases. Yes, the messenger can get shot, but in this case you have a trifling man and woman and a husband who is unaware. Whatever your motives, don't lie to yourself about them. Leave the delusion to the affair partners. You owe the ow NOTHING and if the motive is revenge, I blame you not. Again, I used to be "Miss Dignity", pushing down my feelings when people took the piss. You'd be surprised what a quick jerk up does to trifling people. Tell the man. If you are too coward, do it anonymously. What he does with the information is his business. I'd want to know.

drasticpark Thu 22-Aug-13 09:58:11

That's a bit harsh, JBIC! If you knew the circumstances you might think differently.

JustBecauseICan Thu 22-Aug-13 09:59:34

Just to clarify my post, I am sure in the same situation I would be banging on the OW's door to tell her husband. Revenge? You bet I'd fucking want revenge. And how. And I'd make damn sure I got it.

I wouldn't be dressing it up as psychogobbledegook though. I'd call it what it is.

Chl0e Thu 22-Aug-13 10:00:40

DrasticPark, I know what you mean.

Some people will condemn you but in the long run I'm sure you emerged with your self-esteem less damaged because you had integrity and you refused to be the patsy to soak up all the delusion and bullshit. You called time on it and walked away.

I don't think the tells and don't tells are divided by who has been cheated on and who has not been cheated on. I think (maybe) they are divided by who has tried to pick themselves up off the floor and play mom and play happy family with the weight of all those unresolved emotions on their shoulders. That is not easy, and if you can let a bit of it go, and stand up straighter and feel a bit lighter, immediately, then do it. For the sake of your own children.

JustBecauseICan Thu 22-Aug-13 10:00:57

I know I sounded harsh. I'm sorry. That's why I tried to clarify.

Apologies if I hurt you with my words.

Chl0e Thu 22-Aug-13 10:05:18

justbecauseIcan, that's not how everybody feels though. I would want to feel more empowered, less of a fool. I would want to redress that balance so that I would feel less powerless. I think I could recognise that that was about me, not about the other woman. I think it depends how aware you are, how good you are at labelling your own emotions and recognising what you can let go off, what will help. there could be a benefit to holding on to a moral high ground so that you can eventually feel smug in three years, or, it could be better to throw that sandbag over board and then look at your screaming whinging crying children and feel, ok, I can do this because I am not totally inconsequential, I am not totally powerless.

It depends from person to person. I think it's lacking insight to say xy or z is the moral high ground, or x,y or z is spiteful revenge.

stooshe Thu 22-Aug-13 10:05:19

@drasticpark 9:42. Best comment. Your reason was the reason why I, last year opened a can of worms when I could have been carrying an awful secret for somebody that was worse than an affair. And I still got people saying that I should have kept schtum. I wouldn't have been able to live with myself, if I did. To me it wasn't WHO was right, but WHAT was right. Like you, I didn't give a toss what any of the protagonists thought of me.

JassyAlconleigh Thu 22-Aug-13 10:06:50

I haven't had an affair, but I deal every day with the fallout of damaged families.

I would respectfully suggest that the 'don't tell' people are viewing the situation with a rationality and detachment that allows them to see all the potential harm, especially for the OP, that such a course would do.

In the same spirit of sweeping, ill-informed generalisation, I would suggest that the 'tell him' crowd are hoping for a personally motivated vicarious act of explosive revenge by which they can feel someone, somewhere has stuck it big time to the OW.

Understandable, but please don't claim a revenge fuelled act of spite is a blow for truth and justice. Nobody here, including the OP, is privy to the intimate mechanics of the OW's marriage.

The OP risks more heartache and the possibility of making a fool of herself. That's already been done by her DH.

Let her start to heal.

Wellwobbly Thu 22-Aug-13 10:07:35

I woud tell.

The reason being, when I was in the agonising dark for 2 years (which I would not wish on my worst enemy and I should have hired a PI) I waited and longed for that anonymous call saying 'do you know what your H is doing?' (because my gut TOLD me even though I believed his explanations). Hearing the painful truth is MUCH more preferable to wondering if you are going mad.

The second reason is that these two people are very very selfishly getting their 'feelgood' by manipulating others to maintain a position of advantage. People need to think about this: the advantage is getting the benefits of monogamy - household services, intact family, no financial cost - through lying and deceiving. I agree with Chumplady: infidelity is abuse. It is wrong to treat other people like sh*t.

I don't believe in punishing, but I DO believe in consequences.

Anything that helps a person AVOID their natural and inevitable consequences of the drama THEY CREATED, is ENABLING. We should not shield people from the problems they create.

Follow your gut. Tell him.

Wellwobbly Thu 22-Aug-13 10:13:13

'I don't think you are considering this out of pure altruism for the OW's H- you are doing it as a betrayed wife who wants the OW to suffer and bear some of your pain. It's all about revenge.'

Miss Bopeep, I have had this out with you before, but there you go again! You are telling another person what she thinks and feels, and why she is doing something.

You can't do this! This is controlling, boundary crossing and it could be projecting.
All you can do is listen, and tell her your experiences and then respect her right to think for herself, and make her own decisions.

I say this with respect, so you don't have to retaliate or defend yourself. Just think about it, please.

VoiceOfRaisin Thu 22-Aug-13 10:13:17

Don't get involved. You have no idea what the repercussions will be and someone else's marriage is not your business. Concentrate on your own life :-) Live with dignity.

missbopeep Thu 22-Aug-13 10:14:36

Jassy you put it very well.

I do feel detached and when I read some comments feel I've stumbled into the Jeremy Kyle show, or MN at its worst- a pack baying for blood. It's trashy.

But you know what? In RL I've known several couples where affairs have come to light either through the partners confessing all, or 'well meaning outsiders' spilling the beans. And the outcome? Those couples are still going strong- and in some case are stronger.

So the hope that by telling you will wreak havoc in other people's lives to get revenge ( which you plainly say you want) is often no more than a fantasy.

missbopeep Thu 22-Aug-13 10:18:20

well apart from this post here, I'm not going to engage with you. I don't know who you think you are saying 'you've had this out with me before' and then telling me what to do ( even though you say people shouldn't tell other people what to do!) You've had a warning on this and I won't repeat it here...but just remember.

Wellwobbly Thu 22-Aug-13 10:20:57

I've known several couples where affairs have come to light either through the partners confessing all, or 'well meaning outsiders' spilling the beans. And the outcome? Those couples are still going strong- and in some case are stronger.

This is a very good point. I wish it happened to all people. But it is not a reaction to 'being told' it is a reaction to a crisis event where people decide to grow the fuck up use that pain to grow and resolve the issues where perhaps they had previously used pathologically passive aggressive means 'an affair is the most extreme end of the passive aggressive respond' - J Long (1965).

In other words, through the precipitating crisis they have decided that the cost isn't worth it and learned better ways of being. Nothing to do with the 'telling'.

'In some situations, telling the truth is a revolutionary act' - George Orwell

JustBecauseICan Thu 22-Aug-13 10:21:13

Jassy, that is a superb post.

missbopeep Thu 22-Aug-13 10:22:14

In case anyone missed this or thinks I am trying to speak for what the OP thinks or feels, here it is:

fudgelover Wed 21-Aug-13 22:20:45

Thank you for all the advice. I admit revenge is my main motive.

Bogeyface Thu 22-Aug-13 11:09:57

Thank you for all the advice. I admit revenge is my main motive.

And I said earlier, just because the motivation is a negative one, doesnt make the act itself ie: telling the H, wrong. Whether the OP is motivated by revenge, hatred or honest altruism is irrelevant. The H deserves to know and she is best placed to tell him, he wont care why she told him just that he knows.

JassyAlconleigh Thu 22-Aug-13 11:21:03

The H deserves to know and she is best placed to tell him, he wont care why she told him just that he knows.

What does he 'deserve'? What did the OP 'deserve'? Life is not fair, the sooner anyone accepts that and works within it, the sooner we will all learn that all we can control is ourselves, nobody else, however much we hurt or want revenge for life's unfair messes; our own and those of total strangers, about whom we know absolutely nothing.

As a wise poster noted, it is all getting a bit Jeremy Kyle.

Leave it three months, OP, your priorities and perspectives will change, especially if you stop obsessing about what is done.

And if there are children involved, leave it totally. I guarantee you will regret the fallout you cause.

I wish you peace whatever path you choose.

Bogeyface Thu 22-Aug-13 11:22:21

So because life isnt fair she should just walk away and let this man be played for a fool? Nice attitude. Would you have the same belief if you knew that your DC was being cheated on? Would you tell them? Or would you say that life is shit, not my problem?

LittlePeaPod Thu 22-Aug-13 11:27:41

It's really simple for me.. If my DF was having an affair (regardless of whether it was a ONS or long term) I would want to know. As painful as that knowledge may be. I would want to know so the decisions I would make would be based on truth. On that basis Op if I were in your shoes I would tell OWs husband. Imagine living with someone that is sneaking around behind your back whilst you blindly live a lie. How awful. No doubt I would want to know. I struggle to understand why anyone would not want to know. But we are all different so each to their own I guess.

drasticpark Thu 22-Aug-13 12:48:04

It's really not that cut and dried as to tell or not tell. Everyone is different. I just speak from the experience of being one that did the telling. I did not do it for revenge. If I had wanted revenge I would have done so much worse than that. How can exposing the truth be perceived as revenge? I didn't destroy anyone's family; the affair partners already did that all by themselves. I never sought revenge and I never got it. But my XP and the OW got exactly what they deserved: each other.

JassyAlconleigh Thu 22-Aug-13 13:23:34

Bogey, the only person being played for a fool is the OP if she continues down this path of hollow revenge, egged on by others whose understandable pain is still informing their opinion.

I would hope that my DC, as a married man and father (? Not sure if the OW has DC) would be adult enough to manage his own affairs, wherever and however the dice fall. I do not accept he 'needs' or 'deserves' the outside malignant interference of the OP.

He may be innocent of the affair, he may be accepting, he may be complicit.

My point is that nobody knows and it is merely perpetuating the unhealthy craving for revenge that is driving the call to 'unmask the bitch.'

I have said all I wish to and am bowing out of what sadly has the potential to become a witch hunt.

MorrisZapp Thu 22-Aug-13 13:55:35

Jassy is the voice of reason. OP knows nothing of this man or how he feels in his marriage. He may be an innocent, wronged party. He may be a serial cheater himself. Or an abuser, or whatever.

Who knows.

Darkesteyes Thu 22-Aug-13 14:02:23

Husband stealer? Really Monty? checks calandar. yes its 2013 not 1955

Darkesteyes Thu 22-Aug-13 14:03:04

Jassy brilliant post.

drasticpark Thu 22-Aug-13 14:59:35

I don't think it matters what sort of person the H is. He still deserves the facts. Even if he is an abuser or a serial cheater. That's all irrelevant (to me, any way). Who am I to judge? What he does with the information is his choice.

I wouldn't necessarily advise anyone to do what I did but to all those that say you'll come out with egg on your face, you'll look like a bunny boiler, you'll only feel worse etc etc. - well, no I didn't actually. I've come out of it quite well, I like myself and I regret none of it.

To me, the lies we're the most painful part. And I came away thinking I will not be complicit in anyone else's lies. That is fundamental to who I am. I cannot un-know this information. I have to choose to conceal it or divulge it. There is no middle ground. Believe me, it's not a nice position to be in.

If you saw a colleague (even one that you didn't like or had no loyalty to) being bullied would you say something? Or would you turn a blind eye? Would you say it was none of your business?

ITCouldBeWorse Thu 22-Aug-13 15:02:23

Hell I'd tell.

The cheated on spouse deserves not to be left in ignorance of a thing that could profoundly affect his life.

Op is under no obligation to keep their sordid secret.

ITCouldBeWorse Thu 22-Aug-13 15:03:56

I don't think knowing the ow continued to enjoy security would help me heal either.

Mosman Thu 22-Aug-13 15:06:00

I'd most definitely tell and quickly because the longer you sit on this the more spiteful you'd look.
Apparently the OW owes the wife nothing when she opens her legs, so that I assume works both ways does it not ?

drasticpark Thu 22-Aug-13 15:22:44

I agree with Jassy and others who say that if revenge is your motive then don't do it. But there are other motives. I was not motivated by revenge. I just wanted to rise above it all and feel like it was no part of me. Was I selfish? - yes, I honestly think I was. Spiteful? - no, I really don't think so. I did it entirely for me and how I would feel about myself and had little thought of the consequences for OW. Had I stopped to consider her I would have said nothing because it hastened her freedom from her own crap marriage and she is now free to be with my ex which is exactly what she wanted. And deserved. But that was just a byproduct.

cakeordeath1963 Thu 22-Aug-13 15:26:45

I would tell her H definately.

My ExH had an affair with what used to be a "friend". We lived in a very small town and it was obvious to everyone (except me) what was going on. His car was always at her house etc.

I found out eventually from the OW's husband when he came to beat up my husband!! My ExH was a coward and ran away and left me with him. He was so appologetic that i had to find out that way, but for all that I was grateful I had found out.

However I will never forget the sense of shame knowing that everyone in the town knew before me. I was very bitter that no-one had thought to tell me and I felt such a fool. I don't know if it was my imagination but I thought back and remembered all the pitying looks I had received because I was so trusting of my ExH.

DontActuallyLikePrunes Thu 22-Aug-13 15:27:03

Another way to deal with it (although potentially far, far messier for you) is to tell your ex that you are going to talk to the husband, and give them a certain amount of time to tell him themselves.

Tell the OW's DH?
I'd tell the frickin world if DH cheated.

DontmindifIdo Thu 22-Aug-13 15:33:12

Be warned, it might not have the effect you want. As I said, they could have an open relationship, or her DH might know already but be turning a blind eye. It might end up meaning the address the problems in their marriage and they end up stronger (although that will probably require her to end her relationship with your H, be prepared he could be very very angry if that's the fall out). Or her DH could throw her out, and she ends up living with your H. Can you face her taking on a 'step mum' role for your DCs? (While her relationship with your H is still a dirty little secret, that's not going to happen, but once it becomes an official relationship, she might end up with a role in your DCs lives).

However for all that, I still think you should tell her H, just not for revenge, but for his sake. How many more years will this fucked up relationship continue if not? It's been a year since her lover left his wife, yet she's not made moves to leave her H.

Oh, and right now, by knowing but not telling, you are enabling their relationship. You are helping her every day you keep it secret. Do you want to help this woman?

peggyundercrackers Thu 22-Aug-13 15:37:33

katie that made me laugh

yep i would tell - who gives a fuck about dignity and having the moral high ground. I already have all the dignity i need - im not the one sucking/fucking/wanking someone else behind my OHs back.

MummyBeerest Thu 22-Aug-13 15:41:58

Just a thought-the OW's H may already know and be burying his head. I have seen a few relationships like this and, sadly, been in one.

Point being, he may or may not know and someone should tell him if he doesn't, but why does it have to be you?

practicality Thu 22-Aug-13 15:52:46

I'd let him know then disengage as it is up to him what he decides to do with the information. If you can't disengage and will be waiting with baited breathe to see what happens as a consequence- this may not work out and you may not feel avenged.

If it an act of kindness - go for it.

ITCouldBeWorse Thu 22-Aug-13 16:02:08

Keeping their secret may actually mean the op is complicit.

Eff it - tell!

HahaHarrie Thu 22-Aug-13 16:13:06

Tell him - sensitively, by letter as Fairenuff suggests.

Please update us OP what you decide to do.

missbopeep Thu 22-Aug-13 16:57:50

Just a final thought- if the OW has children and if telling her husband means they split and the children are then deprived of a stable family, how would you feel OP?

Would you just shrug and say that's what they all deserve because you have been left ( and not sure if you and your ex have children.)

Or would it be better to stand back, allow the affair to end ( they nearly always do) and their marriage to survive intact, with the children at least having a stable home?

If you really want revenge, then you should be speaking to the OW- not her husband. Using him to get to her is hurtful and just so wrong on so many levels- the ripples of the pond will spread further than you ever intended once you throw the stone in the water.

practicality Thu 22-Aug-13 17:01:17

missbobeep interesting take on stable family............

That was an incredibly presumptuous post.

missbopeep Thu 22-Aug-13 18:07:47

As far as I know my last post used the word if several times. Not presuming anything. If you are making a more general point about whether one parent can offer stability rather than two, or whatever, then you need to spit it out because I'm afraid you aren't very clear.
Anyway- I'm not adding any more. The Op has plenty of opinions here to help her make up her mind.

DontmindifIdo Thu 22-Aug-13 18:49:47

Misspopeep, personally I have a problem with the idea that the op by telling will be the one depriving the ows dcs of a stable home, surely it will be their mother's actions coupled with both parents not being able to work through it that would do that, not the person who told what was going on.

If the ow was worried about her family, is assume even if she started the affair for a little fun, at the point she realised her lovers wife knew and could tell her dh/tell someone else who might tell her dh, she'd have ended the relationship and tried like mad to keep her family safe.

Op, even if you don't tell the ow's dh, at least stop hiding why your marriage has ended, I'd feel no guilt in telling family and friends your h has had an affair with xxx and thats why your marriage has ended. Sooner or later someone will tell him. If its you at least it's sooner and his humiliation is limited.

WhiteandGreen Thu 22-Aug-13 19:07:44

missbopeep have you had an affair?

LittlePeaPod Thu 22-Aug-13 19:08:49

Thats nice. Yeap blame and guilt trip the Op for distroying the family unit if OWs DH finds out she has been putting it out behind his back for 4 years! confused I am still wondering whether OW thinks about her kids when she lies, sneaks around and gets nailed by another man behind her DHs back hmm.

Anyway this isn't about OW. This is about that innocent man whose been made to look like a fool by his loving and trustworthy wife!

Op don't feel any guilt if you do tell him about the affair. You are the innocent party and so is he. Like you did, he deserves to know the truth. Like others have said, what he does after that is his choice but at least he will be making informed decisions based on the truth.

JustBecauseICan Thu 22-Aug-13 19:14:21

Or to add another scenario to bopeep's and echoing what drastic has said......how would you feel OP if you told the OW's husband and the outcome was that she and your husband lived happily ever after?

Would you be glad you'd done it then? Would that outcome help you heal?

Mosman Fri 23-Aug-13 00:04:13

These couples rarely live happily ever after, I don't think the op should concern herself too much with that scenario. Four years of lies, I'd be taking out a full page ad in the local rag to expose them both. No matter what happens next they brought it on themselves.

cronullansw Fri 23-Aug-13 00:07:22

I was polite earlier, now I'll not be polite....

The OP should not tell, it has absolutely, completely, fuck all to do with her, all you are doing is hoping to cause misery to an innocent person.

FFS, the other husband might be completely and entirely happy with his life, until some spiteful woman decides to fuck it up - for no reason other than personal gain.

Sort your own problems out, leave others alone.

Tortington Fri 23-Aug-13 00:08:57

i would totally fuck their lives up

its not right, it;s not clever. but i would

Fairenuff Fri 23-Aug-13 00:10:19

FFS, the other husband might be completely and entirely happy with his life, until some spiteful woman decides to fuck it up

Yeah, well, his wife's already done that.

Mosman Fri 23-Aug-13 00:55:21

If he's entirely happy with his life this little nugget of info will make no difference at all will it ?

Mosman Fri 23-Aug-13 00:57:03

I do prefer the tell him yourself before I do option though, that would be far more satisfactory grin

burstingbaboon Fri 23-Aug-13 01:07:59

I would say. Maybe from simple and selfish reason but I would. In that respect, I would like to be told.

Monty27 Fri 23-Aug-13 01:19:12

Have you told OP?

Cluffyflump Fri 23-Aug-13 01:23:28

I would find it hard not to tell.
Not because I'm spiteful or want revenge, but because I can't (won't) stand idlley by and let somone be treated like shit when I could do something about it.

The ows Dh is innocent (in this. I have no idea of how good he is generally!) and whilst he probably won't feel like jumping for joy when given the bad news....
It could be in his benifit to know what a duplicitous person his DW is.
She could be planning to screw him over in a divorce -she has form for cold hearted deceipt.

Fudge I wish you well, whatever you decide to do. I know it's massively shit brew cake or even wine

GoshAnneGorilla Fri 23-Aug-13 02:25:02

Oh the language used to keep a women meek and in her place. Undignified, bunny boiler, a spectacle, a bit Jeremy Kyle.

Yes, we should just swallow down any crap thrown at us, because that's what nice people do.

If you have an affair, no one who discovers that affair is under any obligation to keep your sordid behaviour a secret, it really is that simple. Also, if you don't want your partner/spouse to find out you're cheating, don't cheat in the first place. Again, very simple.

Leavenheath Fri 23-Aug-13 02:32:45

Well the 'grow up dear' from missBoPeep induced howls of probably unintended laughter in these parts, but even though the OP hasn't come back, I just wanted to clear up a few evident misinterpretations and atrocious paraphrasing as a result of my previous post on this thread.

What I actually said was this:

In my fairly long experience of Mumsnet and loads of threads posing this question, the people who repeatedly post 'don't tell' and what's more, show a complete lack of empathy for the OP's pain, are the ones who wouldn't have taken too kindly to someone grassing them up to their own husbands about their own affairs.

I've emboldened the salient extra bit that seems to have been overlooked.

Quite a few posters consistently say 'don't tell' on these threads. Most say their piece once and have done with it. Fair enough. Posters who say 'tell' are usually quite open and honest about why they hold those views and will talk about why they can identify so readily with the person who's being kept in the dark. It's no great secret why they feel so strongly about this issue.

Even posters who say 'don't tell' will often show some empathy and sensitivity towards the OP, or at the very minimum wouldn't dream of hurting her personally with their words.

Then there are the ones who clock up umpteen posts on the same thread, all with the same 'don't tell' message, but each post gets nastier and less empathetic towards the OP who given the situation, has had a traumatic time of it and posted for constructive advice. Those posters rarely say why they feel so strongly about a 'don't tell' message, or why they feel the need to be so vitriolic towards the OP or to rub salt in her wounds.

Those are the posters on these threads who raise suspicions.

Not the ones who say 'don't tell' but show a bit of empathy and sensitivity towards the OP.

Not the ones who give a reason for their strong views one way or another.

Not the ones who say don't tell and then (especially when the OP is not engaging anymore) leave the thread alone.

In my single other post, I made it clear that personally, I've got no strong views either way. There are pros and cons for both approaches, but I'd be more concerned about the way a message like this was communicated and whether the OP can live with the outcome of the different decisions she might make regarding this conundrum.

Hopefully the OP just had better things to do in the past 24 hours than post again, but I hope it's not because she was upset by some outrageously insensitive remarks made to a woman who is clearly in pain.

Monty27 Fri 23-Aug-13 02:44:06

I hope she has.

OP I hope you're ok. flowers

MrRected Fri 23-Aug-13 03:19:29

Op - of course you should tell him. He is being humiliated, lied to and betrayed. He has a right to know.

Mixxy Fri 23-Aug-13 03:28:21

I hope your motivation IS pure spite. It's a valid reason.
I would tell him in a no- nonsense, detached manner. Who cares if he hates you and he shoots the messenger? You have no relationship with him.

I would tell him and when your ex rings you about it I would laugh like a mad woman down the phone and hang up. Because, fuck them. Honestly.

Contrarian78 Fri 23-Aug-13 07:34:12

I know 'officially' you aren't meant to say anything, but leaving your own hubby aside, I don't think it'd be unreasonable (his health is at risk and I'd want to know if it were me). If that's the reason for doing it (rather than revenge on the other woman) then you should - in good consciousness - proceed.

Do so anonymously (and without giving too much detail - if you can).

ThistleVille Fri 23-Aug-13 08:23:11

My OH's affair was disclosed to me via an anon. phone call out of the blue. A bit brutal to say the least, and I still don't know who made the call - but I am grateful they did.

Mixxy Fri 23-Aug-13 08:27:11

Oh dear god. Shut down the thread. It's a sad winner ThisisVille . Latering Jaysus.

Mixxy Fri 23-Aug-13 08:29:51

Who told you? Do you have any idea? Did you care what their motivations were or did you just want to know? Did your DH seem blinsided?

Sorry it happened to you but I'd love to know more.

Wellwobbly Fri 23-Aug-13 09:18:53

*The OP should not tell, it has absolutely, completely, fuck all to do with her, all you are doing is hoping to cause misery to an innocent person.

FFS, the other husband might be completely and entirely happy with his life, until some spiteful woman decides to fuck it up - for no reason other than personal gain.*

Croll - you are either a man who wants to justify his own side-dish fuck, or you have never lived in a 'marriage' where there is an on-going affair.

Completely and entirely happy? What are you smoking, seriously, to be THAT deluded?
Affairs are, by definition, a TURNING AWAY from the spouse and INVESTING emotionally, physically, time and money into another person. Listen to any OW: you have no idea how special it is. We talk. He tells me things .... etc. All stolen from the spouse.

Affairs drain a marriage hugely. A spouse is living with someone who is in love/preoccupied with someone else, whilst silently comparing them to that person - and they aren't very nice with it. Remote if not downright gone.

Only a deeply compartmentalised person (something very wrong with them psychologically) could carry this off, most can't. So most spouses KNOW something is wrong. The only person who can carry this stuff off, is a psychopath. And who would want to be married to one of those???

Seriously Croll, are you a man to talk that level of denial?

Fairenuff Fri 23-Aug-13 10:54:32

I wouldn't do it anonymously because the man might want to know more at a later date so it would be helpful if he could come back and clarify a few things. Also, I suppose she could just deny it and he would have no more information to go on.

So I would tell, with the minimum of detail to start, just to let him know. But let him come back to ask for more if he wants to know.

Gehj Fri 23-Aug-13 11:09:06

WellWobbly I appreciate that when posters reply to a thread, they may draw on their own experiences in order to support their reasoning but please...... if I read ONE more post from you re: Affairs, Chump Lady, an Affair is defined as .......blah blah blah I will scream!!!!!

I notice you rarely reply to any posts other than threads with an OW or the word Affair in the title hmm

You are quick to label all who've ever had affairs as seriously lacking in human emotion or psychologically disturbed or whatever psycho analysing babble you care to mention. I'm aware you are not a qualified therapist, doctor or counsellor of many years standing without wishing to be personal.

Please, stop the rants against all human race who've partaken in an affair. We get it. It's wrong, its thoughtless, its a huge betrayal against their families but please, stop posting about YOU YOU YOU!.

This thread is about the OP requiring some thoughts on whether she should or shouldn't tell the OW DH. It is not about having a rant on the betraying partner!

Fairenuff Fri 23-Aug-13 12:06:50

Gehj do you feel better for that rant grin

Gehj Fri 23-Aug-13 12:19:21

Fairenuff Indeed I do grin.

ElBombero Fri 23-Aug-13 12:27:45

I would, your world has been turned upside down why should she get the easy ride. Fuck em

Wellwobbly Fri 23-Aug-13 12:52:38

Well, what should I talk about? My lecture notes? The nice early walk I had with friends today? My increasing my scuba diving hours? The horses I am looking at? My tennis match? A fantastic new game called Zimonopoly I found using Robert Mugabe's genuine printed Zimbabwe dollars (Bank of Zimbabwe $10 billion), and hilarious fines like 'you were stopped for speeding and have been caught trying to bribe a policeman'? How to knit a tea cosy? The conference I am going to in a few week's time?

All of that stuff is LIFE. It happens, and it is great.
None of it blew up my whole world affecting everything from my sense of myself as a worthwhile human being to my fuggin' DOMICILE [anger] goddammit.

Sadly, I know more about affairs and what causes them and the damage they cause than I ever, ever wanted to know. When they happen to other posters who exhibit the same shock and devastation I felt, and I know what that feels like, ergo I 'talk' to them. If you don't want to read it, Fair Enough.
I don't know anything about being hit, interfering MIL's, lazy partners, etc etc. Therefore, I don't respond to them. That seems logical to me.

It pisses me off when people minimise them and the trauma and implies they are no big deal like you, and Croll did up there.

Wellwobbly Fri 23-Aug-13 12:53:15

Well, what should I talk about? My lecture notes? The nice early walk I had with friends today? My increasing my scuba diving hours? The horses I am looking at? My tennis match? A fantastic new game called Zimonopoly I found using Robert Mugabe's genuine printed Zimbabwe dollars (Bank of Zimbabwe $10 billion), and hilarious fines like 'you were stopped for speeding and have been caught trying to bribe a policeman'? How to knit a tea cosy? The conference I am going to in a few week's time?

All of that stuff is LIFE. It happens, and it is great.
None of it blew up my whole world affecting everything from my sense of myself as a worthwhile human being to my fuggin' DOMICILE angry goddammit.

Sadly, I know more about affairs and what causes them and the damage they cause than I ever, ever wanted to know. When they happen to other posters who exhibit the same shock and devastation I felt, and I know what that feels like, ergo I 'talk' to them. If you don't want to read it, Fair Enough.
I don't know anything about being hit, interfering MIL's, lazy partners, etc etc. Therefore, I don't respond to them. That seems logical to me.

It pisses me off when people minimise them and the trauma and implies they are no big deal like you, and Croll did up there.

Gehj Fri 23-Aug-13 13:13:05

Aah, but that's just it!

You don't talk to people Wellwobbly, you merely spout quote after quote, lines, passages, quoting authors names (I'm beginning to think you receive royalties for everyone mentioned). I understand the odd self help book recommended to someone may be helpful, but your list is endless. In your own admission, you have many of these books by your bedside table!

You describe people who've had affairs as 'psychos' and such like?
Really? shock. I'm not condoning affairs but surely you're letting your own personal experience cloud your thoughts and thus, I don't think you are best placed to pass on your personal experiences to others as 'supportive' posts.

It is my belief you are not supporting others but using their threads as a way of releasing your own personal hell (your posts supports this).

Perhaps a thread of your own could be raised as you are clearly suffering and dealing with your own issues!

Wellwobbly Fri 23-Aug-13 13:30:12

Sorry Gehj, back at university. We are not allowed to make comments without supporting documentation... smile

Do not take what I said out of context. Remember Croll said: 1. being in a triangle [OW, MM, betrayed] had nothing to do with another triangle [same OW, same MM, betrayed]. Yeah, right. 2. [The person being unknowingly fucked over] was probably blissfully happy.

You have to be fucking around to believe that garbage.

I said: this is simply not possible (giving examples) EXCEPT in the small number of cases when the person is so character disordered they had to be some sort of psychopath.

You might not like the facts any more than Croll over there, but there they are. That is not
Chumplady tells it like it is. That people who have the capacity to deceive and receive 'feelgood' for an extended period of time whilst keeping for themselves the benefits of monogamy by deceiving other people are flaming narcissists, shallow, and not worth being in a relationship with.

As I have spent 4 years finding out for myself that the person I adored is in fact a deeply selfish and emotionally unconnected person, and what those implications mean for me. Yes, affairs are a personal hell. They really, really are Gehj.

If you met me in RL you would be talking to a capable, friendly and likeable, rational person. I come here SO I don't mess up my RL. I come here SO I can talk 'privately' with other people who know what it feels like.

missbopeep Fri 23-Aug-13 13:40:24

well- you make a mistake of thinking that your personal feelings are universal truths and written in stone. They aren't. They are your personal response to your own marital breakdown.

Whilst you are still so full of anger over your own betrayal it may appear to you that you are well placed to advise others, but ask yourself how a counsellor would work...

would they tell someone who confessed to an affair that they were a 'psycho' ( you say that most must be.) It's unlikely.

You are not the only poster here who is studying for or actually has a degree(s) so don't try to 'pull rank' based on your being an academic of some kind.

And before you or anyone accuses me or asks if I have had an affair- which it too cheap a comment to actually bother to reply to in any serious way- you need to learn that people can have different opinions based on a lifetime of observation, conversations with friends and family, professional training, and all kinds of experience which give them as much right to comment as someone with one single personal experience, unique to them.

Fairenuff Fri 23-Aug-13 13:45:30

Too late bopeep someone already asked you that. And your 'no comment' speaks volumes.

Personal experiences are bound to shape opinion, that's life, so it's a bit silly to try and tell people not share these opinions. Especially when the OP is actually asking for these views.

I wonder if anyone reading this is thinking 'shit, is she talking about me, I hope she doesn't tell' and posts accordingly.

saferniche Fri 23-Aug-13 13:55:48

Didn't Wellwobbly say: 'when the person is so character disordered they had to be some sort of psychopath.' in other words - not usually?

CogDat Fri 23-Aug-13 14:09:10

Hmm. If it was over a year ago I definitely wouldn't tell. As it's still ongoing, I might tell. I don't know though, whether it'd be safer, emotionally, to just draw a line and stay out of it as much as possible.

Bogeyface Fri 23-Aug-13 14:11:45

I didnt read it that she said that anyone who has an affair is a psycho, at all! Try reading what Wellwobbly actually wrote, instead of the words you are projecting onto her posts in order to justify your own opinions.

Gehj Fri 23-Aug-13 14:13:38

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Fairenuff Fri 23-Aug-13 14:17:27

I'm not tired of hearing about it. I think it's helpful and healing to talk these things over. We can always listen, we don't have to try and solve everything.

Bogeyface Fri 23-Aug-13 14:18:07

Wow, nice eloquent bullying there Gehj, have reported you.

saferniche Fri 23-Aug-13 14:20:17

I like your posts, Wellwobbly. Plus I will immediately go and look up Zimonopoly smile

Lumbo Fri 23-Aug-13 14:47:40

Gehj, I see you are encouraging Wellwobbly to do a little self reflection. I would encourage you to do the same. Your posts on this thread appear arrogant and spiteful. If I see your name on-line in future I may not even skim, to avoid your negative and bullying remarks.
Wellwobbly is entitled to use MN however she wishes (as long as she isn't hurting anyone else). If her posts are so offensive to you why bother reading?

Chl0e Fri 23-Aug-13 14:59:00

Glad to see that comment deleted, when you're recovering from you own trauma it's hard not to link it in to other people's experiences on mn. That's what I did, and I think it helps to know that other people have been through the same shit. You feel disconnected from your rl friends sometimes because their problems seem so totally different and it's very comforting to com on to mn and instantly connect with people who are going through the same old shit! maybe a bit behind you and you give them a leg up, or some a bit further along on the journey gives you a few words of encouragement.
Really unsporting to tell somebody that their posts (their sadness, what they're working through) is boring. Have a heart.

skyeskyeskye Fri 23-Aug-13 15:08:23

Wobbly talks on threads about her experience, as do I, although my story is different to hers. A lot of people are helped by knowing how others have faced or dealt with a situation. It helped me so much when I first posted on MN, to hear from others who had been betrayed by a deceitful partner. It can help you to make sense of what is happening.

Wellwobbly Fri 23-Aug-13 15:17:03

I WILL think about Gehj's remarks, promise. She also has valuable stuff to say.

Thank you all for being kind to me. This is when you know that MN is actually a community <sniffs, hoiks, sobs>

missbopeep Fri 23-Aug-13 16:09:23

Fairenough I didn't say 'no comment'. I said I wasn't even going to bother to engage in the question which was cheap ( and shows the poster had to get personal as they couldn't engage in a meaningful way on the topic. ) That is not quite the same as side stepping a question with a 'no comment'. Anyone with a brain could see the difference in that.

Gehj Fri 23-Aug-13 16:20:07

How patronising Wellwobbly I do hope you reflect on the valuable points I have made.

I'm having difficulty with my computer at present, so therefore I'm unable to post your past comments to support my earlier posts. I hope to return with links to support my earlier comments.

Fairenuff Fri 23-Aug-13 16:27:38

bopeep And before you or anyone accuses me or asks if I have had an affair- which it too cheap a comment to actually bother to reply...

Sounds like 'no comment to me' confused

Why is it cheap to ask if someone has cheated on their partner? If you have then that would obviously account for strong feelings against telling the husband. If not, then it's just your opinion of how you think you would act in those circumstances.

There are some very angry people on this thread.

LittlePeaPod Fri 23-Aug-13 16:34:29

It's so sad to read how grown women assuming we are all grown women can behave like school yard bullies. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. If you really hate what they say that much then move on and comment on what the Op has asked advice on. The only person people that looks like a complete fool is the person whose only purpose is to come on to a thread for what looks like no other reason than to to belittle / attack another poster commenting on what Op has raised. Well I think you should take no hide if the nasty comments...

Wellwobbly Fri 23-Aug-13 17:10:11

Sorry you call it patronising Gehj, when I have protected your vulnerability and SAID I will reflect on the comments you have made.

expatinscotland Fri 23-Aug-13 17:16:32

Well, I'd tell. Fuck all this 'rise above' shit.

LittlePeaPod Fri 23-Aug-13 17:37:53

Expectin grin.

Supertrooper88 Fri 23-Aug-13 17:52:22

I dont understand the "save your dignity and dont say anything".

Fair enough if OP has intentions on hammering his front door down hysterically crying and screaming and shouting.

Thats not dignified.

But to deliver cool salm to the point message with no drama - isnt losing dignity.

OP does not owe anyone anything but I do wonder if she wishes someone had told her about her Hs affair 3 1/2 years ago if they had known.

MrsCampbellBlack Fri 23-Aug-13 18:05:16

Dignity - surely in this situation its just another way of making women in the large shut up?

I'd tell and I doubt very much the Dh is in some wonderful happy marriage, otherwise I'd assume his wife wouldn't have been shagging around.

I personally wouldn't care what the outcome was, if they stayed together or not. And I would feel no guilt if there were children involved either. The guilty ones are clearly the ones who had the affair.

saferniche Fri 23-Aug-13 18:13:22

maybe - cool, calm and with kindness. Bearing in mind you won't know what the consequences will be and you don't want to put yourself at risk.

On the other hand, a friend received a letter from the OW's husband AFTER she found out about her DH's affair in which he revealed extra details (including that it had gone on for years longer than she thought) with the specific intention of blaming her DH and protecting his wife from any responsibility. Her DH became a stalker who had relentlessly pursued his wife. How the OW had managed to be so pro-actively involved in their meetings was not explained... both in their 50s, btw.

The OW's husband was in pain but so was my friend, who had done nothing wrong. She was devastated by his cruelty.

Mixxy Fri 23-Aug-13 19:21:23

I can't believe the abuse Wellwobbly is getting. She is a stellar contributor and of great help to those in crisis.

Gehj, you sound like you might be the OW Wellwobbly lost her husband to. And you also sound like a totally in love with herself narc.

OliviaMMumsnet (MNHQ) Fri 23-Aug-13 19:57:52

Ahem

cronullansw Fri 23-Aug-13 20:26:09

Wobbly, no, I'm not a man trying to cover my 'side dish' affair, no I'm not in a relationship where an affair is being conducted; so, wrong there.

*Seriously Croll, are you a man to talk that level of denial?* Nope, sorry, I don't understand this at all; another fail.

And I honestly do not think I'm a psycho either and never previously been accused of being one, how good is this? I express a view and get described as a 'man' and a psycho. I'm not sure if I should be insulted or amused.

And I stand by my position, the OP should keep her nose out.

Gehj Fri 23-Aug-13 20:28:45

I thought this was a site where one could share their thoughts, experiences and opinions without any labelling - Mixxy

Wellwobbly, its interesting how you twist words - me - vulnerable [grins].

I'm not the one with umpteen books on affairs littering my bedside table (fact).

I'm not the one quoting psycho babble and labelling people who've had affairs as 'probable' psychopaths and narcissists (fact).

I'm not dropping hints that I attend University thus trying to convince us that you are an expert in the field of relationships (fact - you're not).

It's a rather weak comment to say you are unable to comment on anything other than affairs! You state, because you have spent the last 4yrs reading books, receiving counselling, and delving into the world of affairs, makes you experienced enough to give advice! It does not.

I have travelled to many countries and tasted and experienced food from all over the world; a food/travel journalist/critic I am not wink

Mixxy, I am not a self loving narc but I am allowed an opinion as to how one responds on this site. I have said from the outset, I don't think Wellwobbly is offering support to others, but merely using their threads to offload her ongoing twisted thoughts of those who betray others.

Wobbly, your posts generally digress to the 'betraying partner' and then you spew forth the same narcissistic psycho analysis of who, when, why and how they behave. Was this particularly helpful in this thread?

Just because I have an opinion that some readers may find uncomfortable reading, and some who have found it liberating (thanks to all who have PM'd and agreed with my comments), it does not make my opinion any less valued than yours Wellwobbly smile.

Mixxy Fri 23-Aug-13 20:29:40

Whats the ahem for Olivia?

cronullansw Fri 23-Aug-13 20:33:31

Loving your work Gehj smile

Mixxy Fri 23-Aug-13 20:53:26

You want the OP to keep it a secret, right? Yes, yes, you are entitled to your awful opinion. Nobody said you weren't.

Well frankly, I think you are feminisms worst nightmare.

I see you are giving a shout out to your PM'ers. Wow. That's facebook level of narc. But good for you, sweetie. Good for you.

LittlePeaPod Fri 23-Aug-13 20:59:53

Gehj everyone is entitled to their opinion but seriously give it a rest. Your posts have been come across as vindictive, harassing posts all aimed at Wellwobby. Why don't you stick to responding to the Ops post rather than stalking another poster. Mumsnet have already deleted one of your bullying posts for breaking talk guidelines. You are coming across like you are obsessed with another member and one intent of stalking her from thread to thread. It makes you sound / look unpleasant.

Gehj Fri 23-Aug-13 21:01:08

Mixxy, I think your 'Ahem' was because you called me a self loving narc who may have been Wellwobbly's OW shock!

Nope!, it wasn't me. Was it you Cronullansw?

Fyi, I did NOT private message anyone but I do admit to replying to those who PM'd me! Just a courteous word of thanks of course.

Let's not be presumptious Mixxy. Stick to the facts.

Gehj Fri 23-Aug-13 21:07:00

Littlepeapod You got me there smile I will stop now 'cos I'm not taking this seriously.

Mixxy Fri 23-Aug-13 21:21:05

The facts make you look like an apologist! I'd stick to fantasy if I were you. If my comments were bad, HQ would have deleted them. They didn't.

Oh and now you are throwing out other names? !?! Cronullansw must be a close personal friend of yours, I assume?

I know you're not taking this seriously, because perhaps you are lucky to be very young, and too poor to own joint property or anything else that complicates life.

Gehj Fri 23-Aug-13 23:10:23

Mixxy in fairness, my original post was totally sincere but I've since lost momentum. Just because my post raises controversy, you automatically view me as an apologist - your so far off the mark.

I made a fair and factual comment about a poster who responds using quotes, books, authors and she is responsible for digressing from the actual post raised by the OP.

I do not know Cronullansw personally but couldn't resist a lighthearted wind-up (I have a wicken sense of humour wink but that doesn't mean I don't stand by my original post.

I will not post further as I don't wish to be known as someone who is not taking the original thread seriously but if someone continues to expose their personal life history, then they are setting themselves up for comments further down the line. I do not spend my time stalking WW on other threads Zzzzzz but its not hard to pick up a few facts on her personal history as she has mentioned them soooo often.

If you can't stand the heat, then don't post personal details about oneself

OP - No, don't tell him. As others have said, move on, and keep your dignity. I wouldn't tell him because of how it would affect his children, and maybe yours, if it becomes public knowledge.

He may find out. So be it. But I would advise against being the one to tell him.

Mixxy Sat 24-Aug-13 00:50:29

gehj I didn't post any details aboit myself. I think you must have been trying to think aboit the OP. I understand its confusing for you.

Its best you just check out. Cool.

GoshAnneGorilla Sat 24-Aug-13 00:59:12

Gehj - you are coming across as extremely unpleasant.

Wellwobbly - I for one, enjoy your contributions to these threads. It's interesting, I remember similar posters with experiences and viewpoints like yours and they were hounded too. Very sad.

Wellwobbly Sat 24-Aug-13 07:04:26

Wow - I am not easily bullied so stop bothering Gehj but the kindness of MNetters and there commitment to fairness is going to lift me through this whole day. Thank you all flowers

But to get back to the situation of the OP: there seems to be a lot of confusion about what is her responsiblity, what is revenge, what is drama.

Here is a wonderful extract from the AA:

DETACHMENT
Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgement or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching...

In [any 12 step programme] we learn:
Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people
Not to allow ourselves to be used or abused by others in the interests of another's recovery
Not to do for others what they can do for themselves
Not to manipulate situations so others will [behave] as we see fit
*Not to cover up for another's mistakes or misdeeds
Not to create a crisis
Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events*

And this is the crux of a lot of the argument: would OP CAUSE the crisis? In my opinion, no. Two other people CAUSED the crisis, by their mistakes and misdeeds. OP would be TELLING THE TRUTH. By telling the truth, she would be rejecting the message that this is her shame to bear, that she 'caused' it, that she is responsible for the choices of other people.

By NOT telling the truth, she would IMO be preventing a crisis that 'is in the natural cause of events'. And that is taking on the responsibility and pain of another persons behaviour, that is co-dependent.

LittlePeaPod Sat 24-Aug-13 07:40:43

Gehj you are obsessed with Wellwobby. It's really quite SAD. You are trying to highjack the Ops thread with your own vindictive agenda and are yourself digressing from the subject raised by the Op.

And with regards your comment:- If someone continues to expose their personal life history, then they are setting themselves up for comments further down the line. Maybe we should start commenting on your historic notes about your personal life. Maybe we should comment about your posts telling the world how you have been f*cking someone else's husband for 10 years. A husband that's clearly been using you for nothing else than a quick jump because he clearly has no intentions of leaving his wife. If we are going to digress maybe that's the direction we should be digressing in?

I really can't stand bullies and Internet trolls.

Gehj Sat 24-Aug-13 08:31:16

LPP OUCH!! I wondered how long it would take you to drag that up. I'm assuming you didn't manage that all on your own hmm.

So, if a person makes a controversial comment about a poster (which It seems I'm not alone with the direction of my thoughts), they're known as obsessed with that poster, or a stalker purely because I have raised some factual evidence to support my post?

I'm neither a stalker, troll or bully. But what I am able to do, is raise a valid point without my posts becoming vindictive (such as yours LPP). Raising my previous thread has no bearing on this matter we are discussing. I think you raised this purely to satisfy your own frustration!?

Try taking a piece of your own advice and stick to the OPs original post.

gettingeasiernow Sat 24-Aug-13 09:07:42

I absolutely do not agree that the only motivation to tell would be revenge. I think everyone has the right to make the important decisions about their own lives based on the best, most accurate information. It is really wrong to withold information from people that would affect their major life choices. I think an unconsidered, kneejerk reaction is wrong (and undignified) but sharing relevant information as gently and quietly as possible is right.
And for the record - I have never cheated, and when cheated on myself did not tell for fear of appearing undignified. 15 years after that event I can honestly say revenge was not a motivator for me, ever. But the wasted years still feel wrong.

gettingeasiernow Sat 24-Aug-13 09:09:57

And yes, he may be complicit, but if so, he won't mind hearing it again, will he? It's what he doesn't know but needs to know that matters.

Bogeyface Sat 24-Aug-13 09:26:28

Oh dear, hoist with your own petard!

Sorry Gehj, but I think that you are wrong in saying that your own history has no relevance, it certainly does. I would not expect anyone with a back story of 10 years of being the OW to understand the motivation behind what the OP is asking. Sure, she admits it is revenge but also there is the feeling of that poor man being the only one that doesnt know that he is being made a fool of. I am sure your MM wife would understand that if she were to find out about your affair with her husband. But the very nature of this thread calls into question your own behaviour so it is no surprise that you feel defensive. Which leads me to question why you feel that your input on this thread is in any way helpful.

Rather than avoid it, given that the subject matter is uncomfortably close to home, you choose to wade in and attack another poster who has been the wife. Who are you to say how on earth a betrayed wife should react? What books she should read? How long she should take to recover?

The more I read, the more selfish and cruel you appear. I feel sorry for you, I really do because no one who is truly happy is so nasty to others.

Gehj Sat 24-Aug-13 10:11:27

I agree with your post Bogeyface in the main, and I agree my past history would have had relevance to my posts *IF* I had posted anything relevant to the OPs question in the first instance (I did not post anything on this thread relevant to OPs question).

The reason WHY I posted on this thread was because I was becoming increasingly frustrated and annoyed with WW (Wellwobbly's) posts as they digress from the OPs question leading very much to her own issues; and it is, IMO, something she does quite often. Therefore, I raised the issue that WW tends to make each post about herself in length rather than being supportive to the OP.

I also raised the issue that there are many questions raised by herself that she could receive help with by starting a thread of her own. i.e this was ignored and again, this morning, I see she has suggested to someone that they might like to start up their own thread (with something I know is pertinent to her thoughts).

Do you see where I am going with this? If she is so interested in a subject pertaining to heself, why does she herself not start the thread. I'm wondering why she suggests to others to start a thread (she has done so again this morning - see - Books/films with Narcissistic characters. Narcissism is something WW is interested in, as WW quotes; all people who have affairs are 'narcissistic'.

WW stated yesterday, in her defense, that she doesn't support anyone on MN unless its about affairs (because she has experience and having read many books on the subject, a wide knowledge) as she doesn't know much about anything else! A rather obsessed and blinkered view of life I think, if one can't comment on anything other than the subject of 'affairs'.

Although she may indeed have a wide knowledge, her posts read like a Wikipedia on the subject rather than someone offering advice.

I am very aware regular MN on this site have knowledge of my past history which is why I have chosen NOT to answer the above OPs question as I knew my history would be brought into question (im not interested in changing my username) but I do feel, I should be allowed to have an opinion without being labelled a troll or unpleasant.

Which is why, when something controversial crops up occasionally, posters tend to PM someone they agree with, as they don't wish to get involved in what I believe is known on this site, being accused as bullying or involved a 'bunfight'.

catsrus Sat 24-Aug-13 10:37:57

Hands Gehj a bigger shovel to save time digging the hole.

I agree with those posters who think that to say nothing is to be complicit. The 'avert your eyes, walk on by, nothing to do with me' attitude is horrible - it doesn't matter what we are talking about, illegal activity, cruelty, deception. It's immoral NOT to act IMO. (and for the record I consider anyone in a 10 yr affair to be acting immorally and yes, that would colour my judgment on any other moral pronouncement they tried to make - I would consider their moral compass to be totally broken)

OP - Tell him the truth and tell him as kindly as you can then get on with your life.

Tiptops Sat 24-Aug-13 10:59:50

Looks like the thread has drifted a little but if you're still reading fudge my thoughts are to tell the OW's H. It really doesn't matter what your motivation is - he does have a right to know. In his shoes I wouldn't care if your motivation was revenge/ anger, I would just want to know the facts. Once he does he can make an informed choice about his marriage, whatever that choice may be at least he isn't making it blind.

Charbon Sat 24-Aug-13 11:02:09

This thread is extremely unpleasant and the attacks on Wobbly, disgraceful. I hope you are okay WellWobbly and have the resilience and insight to disregard some of these posts.

Fairenuff Sat 24-Aug-13 11:13:42

One of the most upsetting aspects which is said over and over again is ^being the last to know.

Or at least feeling like it. Feeling like people were pitying you, avoiding you even.

And, of course, there are the wasted years. Living a lie for 2, 3, 4, years when you could have been getting on with it, getting out there, meeting new people, falling in love all over again.

Tell him. Let him decide what's best for him and his family.

Wellwobbly Sat 24-Aug-13 11:32:41

Thank you Charbon, so much. Although I do have a lot of faults and Gehj had some good points ... smile

It is a real measure of how much I have grown as a person is that I felt a lot of compassion for Gehj rather than crumbling. That she used some of our private messaging was a bit disappointing, but behind anger is always fear.

practicality Sat 24-Aug-13 11:34:57

Gehj- is that you Wendy?

Wellwobbly Sat 24-Aug-13 11:36:07

Anyway, Charbon, do you have a take on this?

My stance: not telling is co dependent. Telling is letting go of secrecy and shame, and allowing natural consequences to be felt.

I have no doubt that the poor unwitting spouse is suffering. I do not believe that you can have an affair that does NOT drain the legitimate relationship.

I hope that is clear enough, arf!

mcmooncup Sat 24-Aug-13 11:53:58

FWIW I also agree it is co dependent to keep this secret for them.

Gehj Sat 24-Aug-13 12:06:07

...Erm, I think you'll find WW, that I have most definitely NOT used any private information that we have exchanged in our PM'd posts divulged on this thread. I credit myself with more tact than that.

You have written on THREE separate threads this morning already - all pertaining to affairs and narcissism (an act of obssession on your part?)

(and no, I haven't been stalking you grin, your name appeared in the index column, having all been written within minutes of each other shock)

I expect you have forgotten over the years, what you've written on-line and what is PM'd!

Nice try though.

Seriously, you need to start talking to RL friends WW, as you are coming across as autonomous!!

I'm finding it hard to define which is your words, and those that belong to authors!! confused.

I'm going to bow out now WW as I feel you have nothing further concrete to add that doesn't stem from some book.

I'm off to enjoy my day. You have a good one now.

MexicanHat Sat 24-Aug-13 12:07:51

grin @ practicality

Two great and differing quotes on revenge -
I'm a fighter. I believe in the eye-for-an-eye business. I'm no cheek turner. I got no respect for a man who won't hit back. You kill my dog, you better hide your cat.”
&#8213; Muhammad Ali, The Greatest My Own Story

“An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind.”
&#8213; Mahatma Gandhi

The thing is they both make sense

Charbon Sat 24-Aug-13 12:08:19

I'm glad you're okay Wobbly and understand (though applaud) your compassion.

It is important to feel safe on here though and not vulnerable to attack.

As there haven't been many posts from the OP (little wonder) I'm not sure my views would assist, but I will repeat what I've often said on threads like this.

Women are socialised to suppress their anger and to appear benign and dignified almost regardless of the threats they face. There are no equivalent male epithets for the detestable 'bunny boiler' label and I've noticed when women get angry about infidelity, they are often told to guard against being perceived as hysterical, a loon, unhinged, bitter and spiteful

Men who get angry about infidelity on the other hand are supported in that anger and in some quarters, are derided for not enacting violence against the OM.

I'd judge that this is why in my experience, more men act as informants in this situation than women. They get more societal support for their anger and certainly less criticism for it.

My advice to anyone in this situation is to disregard the sexist hyperbole and focus on how to discharge that anger productively, making sure that it doesn't harm oneself or others not deserving of it. Knowing the truth isn't harmful; the act that is being spoken about truthfully is where the harm has been caused. If it's possible to share that truth in as compassionate a way as possible, without any expectation of the person's actions on hearing it, it can be a very healing thing to do.

Fairenuff Sat 24-Aug-13 12:22:28

Also, I think posters are getting caught up on the revenge aspect, rather than considering whether or not telling would be in the best interests of the husband.

I suspect that views would still be polarised but at least it would take away the blame that is being laid on the OP.

Chl0e Sat 24-Aug-13 12:43:21

omg charbon! totally agree!

That is what I was trying to say earlier about discharging the negative emotions. I had to deal with two small children for years, coping with the weight of emotions, if I could have thrown some of that emotion overboard quickly, as opposed to getting over it slowly slowly slowly I would have done it. My situation was different, I wasn't cheated on but there were so many painful emotions and anger too, and I think that if there is a way to discharge the overload of emotions and get on with your life then do it for god's sake. But I say that as somebody who has crawled their way back up from basket case to sane and balanced. It was a long old haul. And it's easy for somebody on an internet forum to type 'maintain your dignity at all cost'.

Wellwobbly Sat 24-Aug-13 13:38:30

Knowing the truth isn't harmful; the act that is being spoken about truthfully is where the harm has been caused.

Absolutely!

Wellwobbly Sat 24-Aug-13 13:51:51

Gosh, I missed Little Pea Pod's comments.

No, Gehj, I have not spoken to LPP at all.

I am happy to be intellectual and bookish. That is fine with me. I understand that it might get tedious for others though, but all of our minds work in different ways.

LittlePeaPod Sat 24-Aug-13 15:05:39

Wellwobby. You don't need to explain yourself to anyone. I saw the posts about the affaire on that thread. Plus it's on her history - everyone on MN can see it if they wnt. I am glad you are not affected by the nastiness.

I hope youbre alright Op and it's a shame your thread was high jacked and diverted for a short period of time.

notanyanymore Sat 24-Aug-13 15:09:21

I'd tell him, because in his situation I'd want to know, regardless of whether you were doing it out of the goodness of your heart or not.

skyeskyeskye Sat 24-Aug-13 15:17:37

When my XH found out that a previous partner was cheating on him, the first thing that he did, was to go and tell her parents and the OM's girlfriend. That was his first thought and action.

When I discovered last year that he was texting OW who is married to his best mate, I kept quiet initially as I was hoping to get XH to come back and stupidly didnt want to upset him by telling his friend..... then after I decided to divorce XH, I didnt tell the friend as I wanted to secure the financial settlement first.

By the time I did communicate with OW's H, they had already minimized the contact, and he did not believe me. He said that she had a lot of male friends, that XH was his oldest friend of 30 years and would not do that to him, that XH was not her type, blah blah blah. (XH and his mate could be twins, by the way...).

Her H completely excused away the thousands of texts and emails and flirting. he would not read anything into any of it. There is none so blind as those who will not see.......

OW turned on me completely and winds XH up over various things, contact, maintenance etc. I was accused of trying to ruin their marriage confused hmm, she is still with her H.

If you are going to tell, do it because you feel that her H needs to know, in order to make his own decisions, not for revenge. and do it sooner rather than later.

Fairenuff Sat 24-Aug-13 15:27:50

Even if he doesn't believe, the seed of doubt will be planted. He will start to put two and two together. Things which have previously been baffling might suddenly make sense. It takes time for all those little niggles to come together but once you start questioning, you start to find answers.

OP, as far as I can tell, has no expectations from the man. She is not expecting him to be completely surprised, or to acknowledge what's happening. She's not expecting him to end his marriage or take any action. She just thinks that he should know.

skyeskyeskye Sat 24-Aug-13 15:34:34

I do think I tend to agree that he should know. It is a horrible thing to discover, but I think if I had discovered the contact with OW prior to XH leaving, I would have handled things very differently. I would have probably told him to go, whereas finding it out after he left so suddenly, I was in a state and begging him to come back as I was in a state of shock.

I do think that you handle situations very differently depending on what you know.

If the point in question, the H, was told what is going on, he can make informed decisions. but at the same time, his life is being turned upside down. sad

delilah89 Sat 24-Aug-13 21:56:20

Definitiely tell him fgs!

kristinehelm42 Tue 22-Jul-14 12:37:16

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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