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I'm not sure how much more I can take

(33 Posts)
WhyDo Wed 21-Aug-13 05:17:56

Namechanger, but long time mn'er (I've made my profile public with how long I've been here so you can see I'm not a troll)

I've put this in relationships but it might belong in MH.

This could be a long one, you've been warned.

So, tonight ds1 finally got in touch with the man who walked out on us 16 years ago, when I was 17 and had just found out I was pregnant.

They've emailed back and forth all evening. It sounds like they both want to establish a relationship (which for ds is certainly what he wants and the reason I tracked xp down for him, and contacted him).

I was being all together and supportive and encouraging. I've never bad mouthed xp. He's never paid a penny in maintenance. I've always stuck with the line of "we were both young and I'm sure xp cares" (I was just 17 and he was 21).

I thought I was coping really well, but now I've fallen apart. All those years of struggling, all those lonely months crying myself to sleep with terrible PND, and now he can walk in, say "I'm sorry I never got in touch, I was scared" and ds thinks he's the best bloke ever.

I'm very aware that I am being unfair and irrational. And I'm so glad for ds, but at the same time I'm the one getting the grunt answers and the teenage moods. And I want to scream "what about me?! " as though I'm the teen in need of support. And I hate myself for it. I can't stop crying and i can't sleep.

In other background news, 3 years ago I left my h of 8 years. He was emotionally and Sexually abusive and I'm currently going through the courts to try to sort some kind of stable access for my two other dcs. I've just had a letter from tax credits who have fucked up last year's payments (didn't make changes when I had informed them) saying I've been overpaid £2500 which I don't have, and I don't have the energy to pick up the phone and tell them they're wrong, because I'm so tired of fighting for everything.

I do now have the most wonderful and supportive dh, and our baby is due in 6 weeks. I have immobilising SPD that means I'm terrified to leave the house now, I live miles from anywhere, and now I can't drive anymore I'm feeling trapped.

I need to carry on being the strong one, doing the right thing, saying the right words to support ds through this really hard time. But I also need to vent and say all the irrational things I feel too.

I know this is MN, but I'm going to say straight out that I'm heavily pregnant, in a lot of physical pain, and emotionally fragile. Please don't post if you feel I'm a terrible person sad

My life would now be great if it weren't for XP and XH. I have always done everything I could do encourage good access. I have always picked up the pieces when the dcs were let down. I am so tired. I am so fed up of being told I'm a selfish bitch by XH. I'm so sick of being so unsure all the time.

I selfishly want ds1 to reassure me that he still loves me. I want him to respond to me saying "I love you so much and I'm always here to talk, whenever you need me because I know how hard this must be for you" with something more than the "k" I get.

Help me be a good mother to ds through this bit. Thanks.

mumblechum1 Wed 21-Aug-13 05:28:00

Ok, well I don't know anything about the TC bit but I do have a. 18 yr old DS and I would either say directly that you need reassurance (and I'm sure he'll give it!) or if not then say so in a note.
Face to face would be better. If your ds is anything like mine you'll get a big snotty hug a cup of tea and reassurance

Oh love. I just want to give you a big hug. Not very MNetty, but I don't care.

The fact you tracked down DS1's dad and helped facilitate the contact when he was ready says you are a brilliant mum.

The fact you are fighting for stability for your other children says your are a brilliant mum.

SPD is horrible, I spent weeks bobbing into my friends house to help out when she was pregnant with no 2 because she was in so much pain. She was induced on her due date because of the pain. Try to hold onto the fact you'll have a lovely squidgy baby in less than 2 months and that should solve one problem. Not easy I know.

Your ex-H is a cunt, I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that. He knows he can't control you anymore so is following the abusive twat handbook.

Rant away, you deserve it. Have a big piece of cake and some thanks and a big brew.

WhyDo Wed 21-Aug-13 05:33:51

Mumble, I just don't want to be putting any more emotional pressure on him. It's such a huge deal for him, I don't want to be the downer on his moment. He was worried he would be rejected by xp, so this moment of acceptance is a real boost. And then the moany "have you done your homework? Have you washed up? Do you have x y z?" Mother walks in and spoils it with her neediness.

WhyDo Wed 21-Aug-13 05:35:17

Glen, xpost smile

My first cake !

Thank you

You sound lovely. How is any of this your fault?

All you can do is try to stay strong.

or have an irrational rant which is what I do

Chubfuddler Wed 21-Aug-13 05:56:31

Obviously you are a brilliant mum and your son feels absolute confidence and security in you, otherwise he wouldn't feel able to take a risk on tracking down his father, and he wouldn't feel able to share that with you.

He's excited and that's great. But if the man is still a bell end your son will very quickly cotton on.

If you're married again you must have made a joint claim for tax credits do get your husband to deal with them. No reason it all has to fall on you.

WhyDo Wed 21-Aug-13 06:00:39

I do like your name Exit. He may not have done much in the way of stage directions, but the ones he did do, he did right.

Thank you.

I'm very good at feeling guilt. It's my fault I got knocked up so young (pill failure but should have used condoms too), it's my fault I chose rubbish men because I thought no one else would want me.

My new DNephew said it best when he said to dh "why couldn't you have met whydo earlier and then you'd be whydo's dcs' dad" (he's 6). If only.

WhyDo Wed 21-Aug-13 06:05:27

Chub, I really hope he's not a bellend. Well, rationally I hope that, I hope he's grown up and become a good man and that ds can have a positive relationship with him.

Childishly and selfishly I hope he's nowhere near as good as me and ds loves me more!

You echo dh's view, that I am safe and stable, and that's why ds is so confident in this step.

Tax credits will get sorted. They are more the cherry on the top really. Just need to decide whether to fight or give in. It's their mistake, but I have no proof of that beyond my phone calls.

Chubfuddler Wed 21-Aug-13 06:10:07

No I didn't mean I hoped he was, just that having massively let you and your son down he clearly has had bell end tendencies in the past. At some point if they get beyond the initial contact stages your son will ask him "why?" and how he handles that will show your son whet he is really like.

You are his mother. You have been there for every sniffle, every skinned knee, every school report, every minor triumph and disaster. There's just no comparison.

WhyDo Wed 21-Aug-13 08:50:14

I know, chub. And I know this is just all new. Just wish it didn't hurt so damn much.

WhyDo Wed 21-Aug-13 10:44:29

Bump

I think you need to speak to your son. And rant away! but don't forget to count your blessings x

WhyDo Wed 21-Aug-13 11:14:18

Tallwiv, I have many, many blessings to count smile I actually have a husband whose first thought is always me and dcs, and that's still so alien to me.

I think I might be coming round to needing to tell ds my feelings. But I don't want to burst his bubble.

Any ideas on what I should say?

MushroomSoup Wed 21-Aug-13 11:38:32

Can't you just say it like it is?
DS, can I just let you know something? I'm pleased that you have found your dad, and I'm excited for you but I'm struggling a bit with my feelings over it all. I worry that you're going to forget about me and no longer love me. I know it's stupid, but an extra hug every now and then will really help me.

WhyDo Wed 21-Aug-13 11:47:32

MushroomSoup, complete honesty? No more pretending I can cope with everything? Sounds novel. I always worry about ds seeing my hurt. I don't want him to feel in any way responsible for my emotions, but I would like him to be considerate and aware of them.

MushroomSoup Wed 21-Aug-13 11:51:23

I don't think it will hurt him to know you are not a superhuman! I would go for honesty, yes.
I don't mean break down sobbing, clutching at his heels, telling him every single detail of your life (can you imagine!) but with regard to the big picture, I would be honest.

How do you think he'd respond?

WhyDo Wed 21-Aug-13 12:07:41

smile what?! No clutching him to my bosom and telling him we have an eternal bond and I'll die before anyone comes between us? I'll save that for his wedding day then wink

I think he'd shuffle his feet, feel embarrassed, mumble that of course he loves me, and give me a manly hug.

But I do think you're right. Before all this he's occasionally expressed anger at xp for abandoning him (his words), so I know the time may come when he needs answers and lots of reassurance.

MushroomSoup Wed 21-Aug-13 13:17:59

I think he'd shuffle his feet, feel embarrassed, mumble that of course he loves me, and give me a manly hug.

Aww! That's probably all you need!

MariaLuna Wed 21-Aug-13 13:38:42

I'm very good at feeling guilt. It's my fault I got knocked up so young (pill failure but should have used condoms too), it's my fault I chose rubbish men because I thought no one else would want me.

O.k. Stop right there!

Stop with the guilt - it's a waste of energy. And has you going round in circles.

Stop with feeling it is "all your fault". It is NOT all your fault. Things happen in life that may not be how we envisaged it but you have done a brilliant job during difficult times.

Time to give yourself a pat on the back for being a fantastic mum!

WhyDo Wed 21-Aug-13 13:49:15

Mushroom, you're probably right.

Maria, it's not good, is it? I'm much better now than I used to be. I was so full of shame for years. It's less now. I wish I believed I was a good mother.

I think he is old enough to learn that parents aren't superhuman and need help and support at times.

WhyDo Wed 21-Aug-13 16:36:39

Thanks Exit.

I feel so lost.

WhyDo Thu 22-Aug-13 18:24:12

Just to let you know, I did speak to ds last night. And I did get my hug smile I feel a lot better. Thank you for the great advice.

Oh I'm so pleased smile

<wipes eyes>

Glad you talked.

WhyDo Thu 22-Aug-13 19:35:15

If it hadn't been for you lot I would have kept trying to protect him from my upset. At some point I have to realise that he's almost a grown up and is more than capable of empathising and understanding.

I can't thank you enough.

Yes, there's lots still going on, but I really need to realise that I'm not going to lose my family, and I do have so much support.

Chubfuddler Thu 22-Aug-13 19:48:25

Really pleased op.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Thu 22-Aug-13 19:53:15

My father came back when I was 16 years old. Although it was great to get to know him, life became more exciting and we got on very well etc., I never for one moment lost sight of what my mother went through to bring me up. It's probably going to be quite tough for you at times, but you will always be your son's number one parent - never doubt it x

MushroomSoup Thu 22-Aug-13 20:37:25

Lovely!

WhyDo Thu 22-Aug-13 20:43:50

Thank you <sniff>

Keepcool that is so good to hear smile thank you for sharing that.

WhyDo Sun 25-Aug-13 14:56:52

Sorry, back again.

Another problem I hadn't mentioned; ds is constantly asking to go and stay with my parents. If he goes over for an afternoon then he'll often wind up staying there most of the week. I know part of it is running away from any chores at home, but it's also running away from everything.

I've spoken to him and asked him to see that he can't spend all his time there. I'd rather he was out with his mates, but he's even cancelled on them to stay at my parents'. I need him to be around so I can make sure he's ok, and he had agreed, but lo and behold he's there for an afternoon and once again I get the phone call asking to stay. When I said no I got a load of attitude (his behaviour is always worse after being there).

He's going through so much, and my parents do know and support him, but they also don't always give the advice that I think is right.

Am I overreacting? Because I'm really upset.!

MushroomSoup Sun 25-Aug-13 23:31:50

No, you're not. While he is a member of your household your rules apply. Maybe worth agreeing a one night only a week rule with the grandparents?

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