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4 people, a day out - your dp and 3 women - is that odd?

(72 Posts)
Balancinglife Tue 20-Aug-13 19:28:34

I don't quite know what to make of this.

My dp told me he had been invited to an outdoor activity.
Fine. Though he didn't say much about it and usually he wants to show me photos and tell me all about it which he didn't this time.. He left before 8am, I checked and it was an hour away. Text me 12noon to say he had finished his activity and got home at 4pm, saying he had lunch.

It was only after he posted photos online that I realised he was the only male along with 3 women (not work colleagues)

And I'm not altogether happy as we have boundaries in place, supposed to be open and all that after a past infidelity on his part.

Doha Tue 20-Aug-13 19:30:28

Hmm who are these women and how does he know them?
I find it a bit strange he didn't tell you who was going?

Balancinglife Tue 20-Aug-13 19:35:50

They are all on his social network friends. They belong to a club he is part of which has a large number of male and female members.

Doha Tue 20-Aug-13 19:41:01

Hmm he is certainly guilty of not full disclosure and by his lack of discussion and photographs l guess he knew you wouldn't be happy and hoped you wouldn't find out just who was there.
However he openly posted photographs online and did keep in touch.

You need to speak to him and find out why you were told. Reverse the situation and ask how he would feel if he had found out about an outing you were on with 3 men.?

TheUnsympathetic Tue 20-Aug-13 20:32:04

Are they women you know too?

TheUnsympathetic Tue 20-Aug-13 20:32:35

Are they women you know too?

xiaozhu Tue 20-Aug-13 21:05:21

No, not odd at all - if my DH did the same thing I would genuinely have no problem. First, when exactly would there be time for any inappropriateness on a daytime outing with 3 other people doing an outdoor activity? Unless this is some sort of threesome swingers' hiking club? Second, he told you he was going beforehand and posted pics of it afterwards - if he was doing something dodgy why would he take photos?

On the other hand, I don't know about the back story here, but I would be careful. There is some history and you have set 'boundaries' so I think that if he was being cagey about it he was probably just testing these boundaries and building up ammunition for the future to show you just how unreasonable you are being - i.e. stopping him meeting up with platonic female friends etc.

Either way I don't think he is cheating on you and either way I don't think you should rise to the bait.

Balancinglife Tue 20-Aug-13 21:16:39

I don't know these women at all.

One of the boundaries was no one to one lunches
with women, I guess he thinks that lunch with 3 women is ok.

Doha Tue 20-Aug-13 21:19:03

Eh yes l think lunch with 3 women is okay, he has not crossed the boundary in that respect

Balancinglife Tue 20-Aug-13 21:32:48

Thanks for the responses. I am probably wary from past experiences.

Well, 3 women is different from one-to-one.

But... after a past infidelity he ought to be falling over himself to not do anything that could give you concerns, and his caginess about the facts of this outing is not the sort of "open and honest" behaviour he should be aiming for.

AnyFucker Tue 20-Aug-13 21:34:55

With no history, this wouldn't raise an eyebrow from me

His skirting around the truth seems a bit off though

InternationalPower Tue 20-Aug-13 21:52:15

In itself, I wouldn't have a problem with it at all, but with his history and the fact that he's keeping secrets/not being straight with you, I would be concerned, yes.

Are you sure all 3 of them were at the lunch?

Is the activity something you also like and enjoy? Or is it something you have no interest in at all?

As to his past 'infidelity', how long ago was it, and what happened to finish it? And when it came to setting 'boundaries', was this after a long discussion between the two of you? What sometimes happens after a breach of monogamy is that the faithful partner becomes unable to forgive/forget and proceeds to snoop and check up and moan at the other for so long that the other person thinks, might as well have the fun as well as the punishment.

ageofgrandillusion Tue 20-Aug-13 22:11:14

He seems to like the ladies this bloke.

AnyFucker Tue 20-Aug-13 22:20:18

3 at a time ? That is doubtful smile

Unless he has a cock studded with diamonds, of course. Which is unlikely smile

BadLad Wed 21-Aug-13 04:15:30

Wouldn't that just make for extremely painful sex, rather then being a plus? Unless you are intending to kill him, chop it off, and then sell off the diamonds after washing them thoroughly (I hope).

#overthinking

sussexmum38 Wed 21-Aug-13 06:54:46

Maybe a bit strange for not saying that he spent time with 3 women, but did post the pictures. So perhaps a little testing going on.

I think we need to know what the activity was?

JustinBsMum Wed 21-Aug-13 08:01:24

An 'outdoor activity' that the majority of men, apparently, have no interest in, 2-aside hockey? ladies village tandem group? a very select walking group?
Just interested to know what it is? A walking group probably but you usually go home after the walk, don't spend all afternoon in the pub. Or the OW bringing pals along so that the evil DW doesn't get suspicious?

newbiefrugalgal Wed 21-Aug-13 08:25:50

It's the lack of openness about it all which is the problem. Based on your past

Balancinglife Wed 21-Aug-13 08:29:38

It wasn't a walking group or mixed doubles or the like. It was an activity you book for an hour.

We don't have the money spare either at the moment.

InternationalPower Wed 21-Aug-13 08:40:08

So, he left home at 8 for an hour's activity an hour away from home, so he should have been finished by 10am? Let's say they planned to arrive early and that they actually finished 11am, it wasn't even lunch time, wouldn't you come home for lunch?

Do the photos include the lunch, were they all still there, or was it a social morning and a 121 lunch/afternoon?

As I said, on the face of it I don't think there's anything wrong with him spending time with 3 friends sharing a common interest that you're not involved in, but when there are secrets/half truths and things don't add up/feel right something isn't right IME.

Mosman Wed 21-Aug-13 09:12:06

Why didn't you get invited along

AnyFucker Wed 21-Aug-13 09:29:21

Doubles badminton/tennis ?

Why don't you just say what the activity was ?

TippiShagpile Wed 21-Aug-13 09:33:03

I think the activity is relevant.

A game of golf if he knows these women from his golf club - fine.

An outdoor group massage - not so.

Balancinglife Wed 21-Aug-13 09:34:30

I cant remember what its called. You roll down a hill in a plastic ball

Looksgoodingravy Wed 21-Aug-13 09:46:11

He should have talked to you before the event especially with the past infidelity and the fact that you've talked about boundaries.

FWIW I'd feel exactly the same, dp and I also have boundaries due to past infidelities and if he did something like this without mentioning anything and then let me find out through photos I'd be mighty pissed off tbh.

Communication - it doesn't take much!

Looksgoodingravy Wed 21-Aug-13 09:51:02

It's like he's trivialising the pain he caused you in the past.

Infidelity changes relationships, it takes time to heal and build up the trust that has been shattered.

How long ago was the infidelity?

AnyFucker Wed 21-Aug-13 09:57:37

Roll down the hill in a plastic ball ?

Gosh, do grown ups do that ?

That probably wasn't very helpful, sorry

Were you invited ? Is it four to a ball (as it were) or is it individual balls ?

InternationalPower Wed 21-Aug-13 10:00:56

What's the club? - surely it's not a rolling down the hill in a plastic ball club?!

Balancinglife Wed 21-Aug-13 10:03:51

I found out the full extent 18 months ago. Saying that he has been on 3 weekends away this year where its been mixed male/ female and I have been fine but he has told me first and shown me all the photos. This time he was too quiet. I had to ask him about it.

AnyFucker Wed 21-Aug-13 10:06:59

I am guessing you are very upset, but with your stilted posting style and having to keep asking for relevant information you are difficult to help.

What is this "group" they are all members of and were you invited ?

Feelingworried67 Wed 21-Aug-13 10:07:07

Hmmm, I'd be suspicious... Have you confronted him, what is his response?

I feel your drip feeding a bit hmm

Looksgoodingravy Wed 21-Aug-13 10:09:53

It's called Zorbing when you roll inside a huge inflatable ball type thing.

I don't know if I'd be suspicious, I'd just feel pissed off that he hasn't mentioned anything, which tells me he probably knew what your response would be.

Think you need to talk about boundaries again with him.

Looksgoodingravy Wed 21-Aug-13 10:11:47

And yes, I'd want to know why I hadn't been invited along.

TwoStepsBeyond Wed 21-Aug-13 10:27:21

But surely the 'zorbing' is not something you do as part of a club on a regular basis, its something you do for a laugh with your friends as a one-off or the type of thing you do on a date .

Its a bit different from the OP, which made it sound like they went climbing or playing tennis etc where you are part of a club and you all go and do your chosen activity together on a weekly basis, its more like he was invited to the pub with 3 female friends and they went zorbing too.

If you trust him, then fair enough, but obviously - and with good reason - you don't, so in my book, he was out of order for not explaining who he was going with and for not being more transparent about it when he got back. The fact that you've had to do some digging to see photos doesn't sound like he's being up front about it. You need to ask why.

DottyDot Wed 21-Aug-13 10:27:47

obviously you've got reason to be apprehensive about this, given the previous infidelity, but just to say that I used to go out relatively regularly with 2 - 3 men as the only woman and it wasn't strange at all - we shared a love of pub crawling in Chorlton and dp wasn't at all interested/bothered about coming along. It's more or less stopped now due to most of them partnering up and having small babies, so more limited social lives but it used to be good fun and not at all 'dodgy'.

So it could be completely innocent and just your dp having fun with friends.

TwoStepsBeyond Wed 21-Aug-13 10:31:05

and wasting family money on rolling down a hill in a ball would piss me off too.

2rebecca Wed 21-Aug-13 10:41:35

If there were 3 women it sounds innocent, I've been out in groups of blokes in activities and my husband does music related things where it's often him and a group of women.
The lack of discussion about who was going would bother me though, plus were you invited to go along to watch/ take photos/ for the kids to watch their dad rolling down a hill in a ball?

So is there a zorbing club?

I was trying to imagine if I did my hobby and went out horse riding with three men whether DH would think it odd. Or if he went out bike riding with three women. Hang on, wasn't there a thread a while ago about a man and a woman cycling together?

Sorry, but I would find it suspicious that it took all day. And I also find it odd that this is done as a hobby rather than a one off bit of fun.

BalloonSlayer Wed 21-Aug-13 10:49:33

Hamster club?

worldcitizen Wed 21-Aug-13 10:53:03

OP, I only know men who do this activity as part of a fun afternoon/evening including pub crawl etc.
Either all men OR mixed group, but everyone is sort of involved in the planning activity.

I only know men planning something like this in a group with females only, if there is ONE woman he is interested in.
Why being secretive, why being cagey about it, they're not even co-workers or friends you know as well????
And posting photos afterwards doesn't mean that there is not ONE particular woman some flirting and some getting-to-know-better was going on with.

And spending money and (precious) time like this would be a dealbreaker for me, especially since there is a back story to this.

I used to have a male co-worker, late 50's, who fancied another co-worker (female late 20's). We all didn't know.
All I have noticed is how often he was the initiator of group outings, let's go have lunch sort of thing, organising free theatre tickets for ALL of us, wanting to organise a long weekend trip to another country etc.

Turned out he was so madly in love with her. He is 31 years married with 3 children ( between 23 and 27) and after almost one year he started making passes as in sending texts, trying to call her etc.
That's when the penny dropped and it all went ugly. She reported him and she invloved all of us and asked for support etc. and he had to leave to a different department and all that.

I don't know, if this story highlights anything. But all I wanted to say is, that in my experience men can have a long breath and disguise their doings, so it seems to look all so innocent.

Balancinglife Wed 21-Aug-13 11:02:56

Sorry, not meaning to drip feed. Was working 11 hours yesterday, 12 today prob as its busy. And my replies are just quickly on my phone as Im working.

JustinBsMum Wed 21-Aug-13 11:33:43

Well, it sounds a great idea, what fun, you would like to join them next time, wouldn't you.

AnyFucker Wed 21-Aug-13 11:40:13

Ugh it sounds utterly grim to me. But yes, why weren't you invited. ?

SarahBumBarer Wed 21-Aug-13 11:54:53

I'm a grown up and I would LOVE to do zorbing!!!

OP was the caginess just about not wanting to cause a ruckus because he was spending money on this activity rather than hiding anything about it being with 3 women? I'm not saying that is OK just that it seems to me that is more likely to be what the caginess is about - the situation is not screaming infidelity to me.

Were the photos posted somewhere that he would know that you were likely to see them?

Floggingmolly Wed 21-Aug-13 11:56:17

Social network friends hmm. So he met them on Facebook? Do they even know about you? Because if they do, it's extremely odd that the invitation wasn't extended to you as well.

Looksgoodingravy Wed 21-Aug-13 12:09:14

Ds (aged 6) has had a go at Zorbing many times.

The child in me would like to try it!

Dp wouldn't dream of doing this. If he wanted to go out with mutual friends fine, he now knows however that to do as your dh did with friends outside of the relationship (in particular those on social networking sites (fb)) is a big no no! Not unless I was included.

I think he's been completely disrespectful to your feelings!

Fairenuff Wed 21-Aug-13 13:22:59

He left before 8 and was home by 4 (8 hours)
The activity was an hour away so 2 hours travelling (leaves 6 hours)
The activity itself lasted an hour (leaving 5 hours)
Lunch could take two hours.

That still leaves 3 hours unaccounted for.

Why don't you ask him:

What time did the activity start
What time did it end
What did he do for the other three hours

And why is he spending money you can't afford?

Balancinglife Wed 21-Aug-13 13:35:14

Thank you all for your input.

It seems he was asked by someone who is a member of a club he goes to, the other 2 women were her friends. Lunch took place at some point.

8 hours away, activities 2 hours max, 2 hours travel, so lunch obviously took 4 hours.

I'm not interested in rolling down a hill in a plastic ball especially when we had a huge car repair bill this month which was not much off 1k :-( I could add another 1k including the roof repair, of which he has no money to pay towards.

And I wasn't asked because He didn't think it was my type of thing....

Big sigh

Balancinglife Wed 21-Aug-13 13:37:41

Fairenuff - x posted. I was typing in exactly your points.

SirRaymondClench Wed 21-Aug-13 13:41:17

It's his quietness which would concern me.
I think the red herring is that there were 3 women.
He might be very interested in one of them.

Fairenuff Wed 21-Aug-13 13:46:11

He was invited by one woman. He accepted. He should not have done that without checking with you first, because of his previous infidelity and your agreement that he doesn't do that.

She may have asked her friends as she thought it would look suspicious if it were just the two of them, or he may have suggested asking them so that he can cleverly sidestep his promise for no more 121 meetings with women.

Ask him if the four of them were together the whole time, or did the two friends leave early.

TippiShagpile Wed 21-Aug-13 13:53:10

I wouldn't invite another woman's husband to roll down a hill with me or go out for a long lunch. Just seems inappropriate.

TippiShagpile Wed 21-Aug-13 13:54:29

Was it at a weekend or did he take a day off work to go rolling down the hill?

flipchart Wed 21-Aug-13 13:55:14

Has he joined Spice?
It's not a dodgy set up although it does have a name that sounds like it could be up to no good!!
It's an outdoor adventure club that go off doing things such as zorbing and the like.

Balancinglife Wed 21-Aug-13 14:00:03

He's not in Spice.

It was at the weekend, he was curious earlier in the week to know 'my' weekend plans. I suspect he knew then but he didn't mention until the morning before.

I'm wondering if the woman who asked him is the one he mentioned had recently had a difgicult break up from her partner.

JustinBsMum Wed 21-Aug-13 14:04:07

Well, you will be on your guard now for requests to know your weekend plans etc. Sounds a wee bit suspect. I would ask for a get together with his new friends which is not unreasonable. You will know by the behaviour if it is innocent or not.

Floggingmolly Wed 21-Aug-13 15:19:45

God, he sussed out your plans for the weekend to make sure you'd be occupied elsewhere before breaking the news of his plans?!
That doesn't sound good.

AnyFucker Wed 21-Aug-13 16:08:36

The more you say, the shiftier he looks

There is more to this, love

Doha Wed 21-Aug-13 17:19:17

Agree with AF--again wink

This is just the tip of the iceberg.

Looksgoodingravy Wed 21-Aug-13 17:48:57

Can you become a member of this club?

ageofgrandillusion Wed 21-Aug-13 17:50:41

I dont care if he's up to monkey busness, i'd LTB for indulging in such a thoroughly pointless activity. Silly sod.

He didn't ask you shock
I'd kill DH with a shovel for that alone, mind you I quite fancy rolling down a hill in a ball. Anyhoo,
If he hasn't had form I'd raise an eyebrow, however given his history I'd be very suspicious indeed.

Looksgoodingravy Wed 21-Aug-13 17:59:49

He also needs to be reminded of the character traits of the person he was when he cheated (I imagine) - selfish, self centred etc...sounds like he hasn't really worked on those negative aspects whatsoever!

MyPrettyToes Wed 21-Aug-13 18:40:39

After reading all your posts OP, I think he is up to no good. The vagueness considering his history is very suspicious.

Worst case scenario is that he and the woman are having an inappropriate relationship and the friends were invited as a cover in case you became suspicious.

I hope I am wrong OP.

maddy68 Wed 21-Aug-13 20:08:30

I am out on Friday for lunch with two men thinking about it I don't think I've yet mentioned it to my oh. Nothing untoward they are my mates!

Have you asked him about it?

Balancinglife Wed 21-Aug-13 20:10:12

Ageof and Katie- I had a good laugh at some of your comments, cheered me up :-D

Looksgood- Yes he needs to work on his self centred, selfish nature! You are spot on!

AF, MyPretty and Looksgood - I really hope its all a misunderstanding on my part. Unfortunately my guard is up now. Time will tell.

Btw. I was looking at prices too, some places are £90 for 2 rolls down the hill ffs!!

Floggingmolly Wed 21-Aug-13 20:16:38

£90 shock. Waste of money under any circumstances, but if you're struggling at the moment it's an extra layer of pisstaking.
Are there really huge clubs for people who like being fleeced rolling down hills?

AcidNails Wed 21-Aug-13 20:20:07

Well, I don't see anything inherently wrong with 1 man socialising with a group of women or vice versa. I often will be the only woman in a group of men, and have honestly never considered whether they're married or that I am etc. We all just go out and have a giggle.

However, it isn't something I hide. Whilst my DH has never met these guys (mostly colleagues), there isn't anything shifty about it. The fact that your DH has been a bit cagey is a bit weird I think. Unless perhaps he feels a bit nervous of bringing it up after his past??

AcidNails Wed 21-Aug-13 20:22:53

Also - zorbing is mega fun!

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