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Asking Men Out

(173 Posts)
LoisPuddingLane Mon 19-Aug-13 14:08:45

I just wanted some views on this, please. I know that it's the 21st century and we are relatively equal, but I've found asking men out doesn't work. I cannot think of a single time I've asked a man out and they've said yes. There are so many confusing messages in my head.

On the one hand I think why shouldn't women make the first move. OK you get knocked back and it hurts but that's what men have to go through. And then this other part of me is going NO. Men like to be hunters etc and if you ask them out you are taking that away from them.

At the moment I'm dithering hopelessly about asking someone out and keep thinking if he was really interested he would ask me. Which is not a good way forward. Thoughts and experiences...?

Boosterseat Mon 19-Aug-13 14:18:36

Go for it! It took a few weeks of DH dithering like a loon before I asked him if he wanted to go out, turns out he was nervous and hoped I would do it!

He might be nervous, so just invite him out and take control.

If a man is intimated by a woman asking him out then he isnt really worth a date anyway.

Good luck

JessicaBeatriceFletcher Mon 19-Aug-13 14:22:42

PLEASE don't fall into the old "men like to be hunters" and "all men want a chase" rubbish. Coz a lot of them are just as shy or nervous or fed up of stupid games or knockbacks as you are.

If you like someone, ask them.

LoisPuddingLane Mon 19-Aug-13 14:23:07


He's kind of invited me to things before but when he's actually there, sort of texting "hey I'm in your neighbourhood come and join us" sort of thing. Which may have been a safe way of inviting me out without risking rejection. I didn't go in both cases. I saw him recently for the first time in ages and just really wanted to be with him on my own. Bugger. I've got to do this I think. If he says no it will be gutting but it's better than not knowing I suppose.

diddl Mon 19-Aug-13 14:24:38

Have you shown any interest in him at all?

Maybe he is interested, but would want some indication that you are?

But to answer the question-why not?

Nothing ventured...

Kezztrel Mon 19-Aug-13 14:25:00

The only man who ever properly asked me out turned out to be a bit of a knob I realised after 3 years together. I've made the first move with all the rest, including my DH.

LoisPuddingLane Mon 19-Aug-13 14:26:57

Have I shown any interest...I don't know! I'm useless at flirting. Mainly we've chatted on facebook.

diddl Mon 19-Aug-13 14:34:14

Just seen your other post.

So he's asked you to things & you've said no.

So he maybe thinks you aren't interested!

Just ask him.

and let us all know what he says

LoisPuddingLane Mon 19-Aug-13 14:35:49

I know, he probably does think that. <wah>

I shall see if I can get the nerve up tonight.

LoisPuddingLane Mon 19-Aug-13 14:37:02

Oh something I should have probably mentioned - he's not working at the moment. It doesn't bother me but it might bother him. I'm not exactly a hot shot exec type but I'm gainfully employed.

NMercury Mon 19-Aug-13 14:39:40

Going to pitch in my pennys worth here as a bloke who has been through the realisation that he new nothing about seduction (yep, using that word as it is a nice catch all phrase for the process). Following my divorce I realised I knew nothing about "chatting women up", a practice I found to be a waste of time.
Going straight up to a woman (or man) and asking them out for a drink results in one of two answers. If the bloke is confident and self assured he may say yes, as he does not consider that a threat. However as you seem to be getting "no" a bit perhaps you might want to do things differently.

Perhaps you might want to look at yourself - do you come forward as an attractive, eligible single female or are you in some way projecting an image of a women who is not available?
When I was married I dressed a certain way and acted as such. I had to unlearn such behaviour and modify my body language to ensure that women realised I was single, but most importantly not desperate.

I looked at new clothes, asked for opinions from shop assistants and a personal shopper what really suited me and made clear that I was single and wanted to find a new partner.
I studied body language and learnt to use more open postures and to walk confidently with good posture.
Most importantly I learnt how to smile and look like I was a fun person to be with.

I also learned how to ask a woman out - it was no use just going up to an attractive woman alone and chatting her up (attractive women are rarely on their own any way) but rather to find a group and engage it. Ask for an opinion - with women I found asking about social situations best (a dilemma involving a friends girlfriend, or perhaps about the social protocols involving taking a friends sister to a wedding).

If you wanted to engage blokes, ask about blokey things. In a bar where football is showing wait until half time and (together with a friend) just ask a bunch of guys about the off side rule. Or what is this new camera thing they are bringing in this year.
Or ask about if they think it is safe to go without a spare tyre and use one of those repair kit/compressor combinations.
It may seem to be perpetuating a stereotype about women, but it gives us blokes a chance to act like blokes - and we like that occasionally!

When I asked groups of women (and sometimes mixed groups) for an opinion I was never, ever blanked or ignored. People like to talk and if you sound interesting and interested in their opinions they will feel valued and like you.
It will also give you the chance to get to know them a little bit before suggesting "Hey, you know, you seem like real fun - is there anyway I could stay in touch with you?"

LoisPuddingLane Mon 19-Aug-13 14:43:04

If you wanted to engage blokes, ask about blokey things. In a bar where football is showing wait until half time and (together with a friend) just ask a bunch of guys about the off side rule.

Erm. This surely would only work if you were remotely interested in the answer. I loathe football and cannot even feign interest in it.

I don't want to "engage blokes" as a species, just the one I'm interested in. I already know him quite well, it's just a matter of getting past this.

NMercury Mon 19-Aug-13 14:43:50

Just seen the other posts (posted whilst I was writing that novella).

Why not just ask him, straight out, if he is interested in being in a relationship with you?
It will probably know the guy for six, especially if he hasn't really considered you in that way before, but it may give him pause for thought.
Perhaps give him time to think it over and maybe suggest meeting in a day or so over coffee. At least it might force the issue and you will know what he wants.

LoisPuddingLane Mon 19-Aug-13 14:45:06

As to whether I come over as attractive and available, I have no idea. If I start thinking about that I'll fall at the first hirdle I reckon.

diddl Mon 19-Aug-13 14:45:55

"This surely would only work if you were remotely interested in the answer."

Yes-asking the question & then glazing over as you get the answer probably isn't the way to gogrin

LoisPuddingLane Mon 19-Aug-13 14:46:03

Hirdle? Hurdle.

LoisPuddingLane Mon 19-Aug-13 14:48:10

Isn't asking someone straight out if they want to be in a relationship guaranteed to make then go ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmnooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo and curl up or run away?

NMercury Mon 19-Aug-13 14:48:59

Sorry again - missed your earlier clarifications. Even if I were not interested in something that got me "into" a group there is always a way of putting it.
I am not at all interested in womens make up - but I asked a couple of women once that I keep seeing ads with different types of mascara brushes, does it really make ANY difference at all? I mean really? (That could start off a whole new debate on here I imagine)!

But as for your bloke why not ask him a blokey question that you do need the answer to? He might like the fact you are seeking his opinion.

YoniBottsBumgina Mon 19-Aug-13 14:50:19

I've asked loads of blokes out and had a mixed response - some interested, some not. Seems about right smile

YY men are not a separate species and you shouldn't have to act in a particular way to "engage" them. Just be yourself - if you can't be yourself with someone then the relationship is a no hoper anyway!

I have tended to get drunk blush and it sort of happens. Or you can be straight and say "I fancy you" or just invite him out for a one to one thing rather than in a group. Or what I did with DP was - okay to be fair, he expressed interest first, but I made the first actual move - I invited him over to watch a DVD and then jumped him blush

LoisPuddingLane Mon 19-Aug-13 14:50:47

Really? That really works??

NMercury Mon 19-Aug-13 14:51:29

"As to whether I come over as attractive and available, I have no idea. If I start thinking about that I'll fall at the first hirdle I reckon."

It forced to me to have a hard re-think about myself and change some negative behaviours that were holding me back.

"Isn't asking someone straight out if they want to be in a relationship guaranteed to make then go ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmnooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo and curl up or run away?"

Yep - probably scare the hell out of him. It would me. But it will force him to face the issue, which is something that he may have been avoiding up to now.

LoisPuddingLane Mon 19-Aug-13 14:52:13

ha, my question was to NMercury, not YoniBottom...

NMercury Mon 19-Aug-13 14:55:15

"Really? That really works??"

If you meant the mascara question, why not? People like being asked their opinion, especially when a coming from a dumb ass bloke who looks like a rugby player on his day off. Raised a laugh, started a discussion and was fun - didn't lead to anything but was a nice 10 minute chat with some very pretty women, something I would never consider a waste of time.

LoisPuddingLane Mon 19-Aug-13 14:56:19

I don't really want to scare the poor chap. And I suspect mentioning the R word before we've even swapped saliva might have a rather loosening effect on his bowels.

YoniBottsBumgina Mon 19-Aug-13 14:59:22

YoniBottom grin Best misspelling of my name ever!

TBH I'm not keen on the "ask him a man question" approach. I'm sure it would work for some, but firstly, if you're already friends then he's not likely to see it as a relationship thing but more as a friend thing especially if you and he both know it's a topic he's knowledgeable about but you aren't. Secondly it sets the tone of the relationship as "Ooh, silly simpery me, I don't know anything about cars/football/beer/whatever, I need a man to tell me!" whereas actually that's not me at all, if I wanted to know about cars then I would look it up on the internet or seek advice from a garage or a friend (male OR female) who is interested in cars, not a random man in a pub just because he's a man. I get there's supposed to be a bit of play-acting here but it's not how I would like the relationship to be (for there to be clear man stuff/woman stuff) so I'd rather not go there at the start. Personally.

NMercury Mon 19-Aug-13 14:59:23

Okay then you need to find a way to get his company more to a point where he is comfortable with the idea of you two either swapping saliva or being something more than just friends.

Ask him round to help you move some heavy furniture, ask for help with a task you know he is good at but you are not.
Ask for an opinion on a present for a male relative - again opinions are good because we all like to offer them.

waltzingmathilda Mon 19-Aug-13 14:59:42

I told DH we were going out grin bu we were friends for a long time beforehand.

I tend to agree with your OP, men generally do not like forward women.

LoisPuddingLane Mon 19-Aug-13 15:00:15

NMercury, the likelihood of me going up to group of men and starting a conversation about spark plugs or something is slim. I'm 51, rather too rounded in places, and not that confident about my pulling power any more.

YoniBottsBumgina Mon 19-Aug-13 15:02:48

Perhaps the word "Relationship" is a bit heavy but you could ask if he's ever considered the two of you becoming more than just friends. being drunk helps

LoisPuddingLane Mon 19-Aug-13 15:03:07

whereas actually that's not me at all

Me too. I have my own screwdrivers and power tools. I know what to do when the electricity suddenly goes off. I'm cool with spiders. I can't do the girly act really.

NMercury Mon 19-Aug-13 15:03:20

Hey Yoni
One thing I tried to do when I was single was NEVER to look things up on Google if I didn't know it, especially if I thought it was an interesting question.
I asked people, complete strangers often for their help or opinion. Having read the book "life of Pi" I asked a group of women at a bar next door to a cinema if they had seen the film and about its ending. Turned out to be a bunch of bibliophiles and we had an afternoon long, booze fuelled fun chat.

YoniBottsBumgina Mon 19-Aug-13 15:05:58

That's great smile I think we've established we wouldn't be compatible NM wink

Kezztrel Mon 19-Aug-13 15:06:11

"Men do not like forward women." Really.......?

LoisPuddingLane Mon 19-Aug-13 15:06:51

NMercury, I would say you are clearly quite an outgoing person. Your approach works for you. I'm not that outgoing at all and, as I've said, am unlikely to crash a group of chaps asking their opinion. The last thing I want to see in their eyes is either ("Watch out, cougar attack" or "Older woman, hmmmmm"). Younger men like ticking the older woman box, I find. But I can tick my own box, and would like something a bit more.

NMercury Mon 19-Aug-13 15:09:58

"NMercury, the likelihood of me going up to group of men and starting a conversation about spark plugs or something is slim. I'm 51, rather too rounded in places, and not that confident about my pulling power any more"
I thought I wasn't a catch either - but I have no doubt that a lot of men would consider very differently. If you are rounded in certain places, who the hell cares? Probably you do, but the blokes around you may not - and probably quite like it! I never considered myself attractive, yet I have found lots of women do.

Anyway, most of those conversations weren't about pulling. It was fun - and I learnt lots about the opposite sex AND it boosted my confidence.

LoisPuddingLane Mon 19-Aug-13 15:13:48

I'm sure that works for some people.

NMercury Mon 19-Aug-13 15:14:02

Actually I am chronically shy, very quiet and would never (prior to my conversion) have attempted to crash a group of women. I am also built like a brick outhouse and work in a v responsible position with supervisory responsibilities of up to 100 people (us blokes are a complicated lot eh!)

However, a moot point - your guy is known to you. You just have to find a way to get to know him more. You probably already know how to do this, however putting it into practice might be more difficult.

NMercury Mon 19-Aug-13 15:15:28

I'm offski to waste my day further - good luck Lois. Hope you get him!

DadfromUncle Mon 19-Aug-13 15:18:18

I may not be typical but would be (and have been) relieved to be asked out.

DadfromUncle Mon 19-Aug-13 15:18:42

(By a Woman)

Lweji Mon 19-Aug-13 15:21:16

Why have you said no, previously when he suggested things?

If you are up to it now, just suggest something. It's not like you are asking him to marry you or anything. Don't ask for a relationship, but why shouldn't you suggest spending some time together?

DragonsAreReal Mon 19-Aug-13 15:22:58

Oh I love random convos in beer gardens with randoms. Not on my own but me and my best friend would regularly end up crashing others groups and drunkenly chatter all evening. I never rang any of the numbers I got but I had a good time.

As for asking blokes out no I don't recommend it, I have twice and all they were really interested in was a shag/assumed that's all I wanted.

But I don't see the harm in inviting your friend round for a dvd or takeaway or out for a drink. That's not really asking out since he's not a stranger and then if he asks you out again you know he likes you back like that.

LoisPuddingLane Mon 19-Aug-13 15:25:43

Why have you said no, previously when he suggested things?

Because both times it was about 10.30pm, and he was already "there" and I was sitting in my pants with greasy hair probably. The first time I actually wasn't well. The second time I didn't see the text until I went to bed at 3am (there was a very loud festival outside)...

Lweji Mon 19-Aug-13 15:27:55

He doesn't seem very considerate, then, or keen.

If you suggest something, to "compensate for not being available" the other times, then you'll know.

BlueDiamond1 Mon 19-Aug-13 15:36:12

If your experience already tells you it doesn't work for you then listen to it. I'm very old fashioned that way and I always believe the initiative has to come from the man. I look at my relationship and those around me which are successful and in every case the initiative has come from the man. Your instincts are right, they are hunters. They are biologically wired that way and it won't be changing, as a result of natural selection, any time soon. smile

niceupthedance Mon 19-Aug-13 15:45:21

The kind of men I like like to do the chasing. I have finally figured this out after many years of failure! Not saying all men are similar, some may like to be asked out.

In your case I'd probably message him on Facebook (so, casual) and just ask if he's going to be 'in your area' again soon and whether he could give you some more notice next time?

That's a big hint but not an outright invitation.

LoisPuddingLane Mon 19-Aug-13 15:47:43

After the first "come and join us" text I did exactly that - I said give me more notice next time and put a smiley face...

LessMissAbs Mon 19-Aug-13 15:50:42

I wouldn't. The suggesting things at 10.30pm at night would suggest to me he was only after a quick and easy shag and shows he can ask you out, but lacks the motivation to ask you out on a proper date.

But sometimes you have to find out for yourself. I think the asking him round to move furniture is a good idea, or you could text him something like "I really want to see (X Film) this weekend but all my female friends are busy" and then jump him, if he doesn't jump you.

But don't be surprised if he turns out to be an arse!

There are a few nice men who won't ask themselves but are good relationship material, but he doesn't sound like one of them.

Jan45 Mon 19-Aug-13 15:51:03

Very modern and up to date when it comes to most things in the world but for me no I wouldn't ask a man out (unless of course he was Brad Pitt). I prefer the old fashioned way.

LoisPuddingLane Mon 19-Aug-13 15:55:10

I'm not entirely sure they were "booty calls". For one thing we aren't in "booty call" sort of territory and he was with a group of friends and was under my window, more or less, and invited me down. Had he wanted to do the booty thing there was an opportunity back in February (or some cold time, lots of snow) when a group of us went out and at 2am it was just us two left, drinking and chatting. I kind of hoped things would happen but no.

LoisPuddingLane Mon 19-Aug-13 15:56:31

When I first met him he did say I could ask him if I needed help with anything. I feel an IKEA trip coming on.

MadeMan Mon 19-Aug-13 15:59:37

..."and he was already "there" and I was sitting in my pants with greasy hair..."

Y'see LoisPud, this is why people shouldn't text stuff, they should phone up instead. If he had called you to say he was in the neighbourhood and would you like to join him, you could have answered him in a sexy low husky voice saying, "NOOO, I'm waiting for you here on the chaise longue with my greasy hair and pants combo..." and he would have been round to your place in a flash!

LoisPuddingLane Mon 19-Aug-13 16:01:25

Yah think? grin

I'm off home to consider my options, as they say.

LessMissAbs Mon 19-Aug-13 17:43:01

Gad, texting me at 10.30pm and asking me if I wanted to "come down" wouldn't create a good impression with me at all. If he were a shy teenager, then perhaps more excusable.

LoisPuddingLane Mon 19-Aug-13 19:05:14

I wasn't terribly impressed either, I have to say. You know, either ask me or don't but texting at that hour to say come out to play? Nope.

MadeMan Mon 19-Aug-13 20:04:25

It could have been worse, he could have knocked on your front door to ask for his ball back. wink

LoisPuddingLane Mon 19-Aug-13 20:09:05

I haven't had his balls!

MadeMan Mon 19-Aug-13 20:22:50

"I haven't had his balls!"

Well, his conkers then.

LoisChristmasPuddingLane Thu 19-Dec-13 09:43:33

Just reviving this zombie thread because I finally got up the bollocks to do something.

The Man recently organised a group event on FB to go round the Xmas market. He doesn't usually do things like this (organise events) so I thought I'd go. We are still doing the intermittent chat on FB sort of thing. It turned out to be a very late night and we were drunk-texting about four in the morning as he was walking home. Nothing salacious. When he said he was near my flat I resisted the urge to invite him in as we were both very drunk and I thought it was probably not a great idea.

Anyway...we were again bantering on FB and he was getting frustrated that my typing was so fast he couldn't keep up. He said he preferred a sit down and chat sort of situation. I thought, ok, I'm going to go for it.

I sent him a private message saying if he prefers that, why not come over for lunch in the New Year, and I promise not to type. Smiley face.

The response I got seemed positive at first but the more I think about it, it looks very non-committal.

He just said "Sounds like a good idea. That way I can keep up!"

I'm thinking I should just let it go now, as it's not exactly a mad keen response. Maybe he was just trying to sound casual, I don't know.

Pippilangstrompe Thu 19-Dec-13 10:31:01

I think send him a text or a message if you can't face asking him out in person. I am not particularly timid, but there is still no way I could ask someone out to their face.

I wouldn't be impressed by a man coming up to talk to me about mascara or something else that is so obviously just a line. People who are genuinely interested in getting to know me are what is attractive. I like people who smile, make eye-contact and start with a little general chitchat about where we are, etc.

LoisChristmasPuddingLane Thu 19-Dec-13 10:45:31

I have asked him.

MadBusLady Thu 19-Dec-13 11:00:56

Um, he said yes surely fgrin get back in touch after new year and say when can you do lunch.

Actually I'm not sure I'd consider being invited to someone's house for lunch date territory, but that may just be me.

Pippilangstrompe Thu 19-Dec-13 11:06:20

Sorry, I missed that. I think I must have missed out the last page before I responded.

That does sound more friendly than date-like. Can you not ask him for a drink at the pub or the cinema or something like that on a specific date sometime soon? Lunch in the New Year is pretty vague. I don't think I'd understand I was being asked out if someone asked me that.

LoisChristmasPuddingLane Thu 19-Dec-13 11:16:17

It's taken me a year to get this far.

MadBusLady Thu 19-Dec-13 11:21:01

Well, I guess asking to see someone in a casual friendly way is going to elicit a casual friendly response. I don't think he could really have been more positive could he? Fine to play it slow, but then so will he (if he's playing at all).

LoisChristmasPuddingLane Thu 19-Dec-13 11:32:48

This will be the first time ever that we have been alone. I think that a single woman inviting a single man for lunch might be slightly heavy with possibility, but that's just me. I would not invite a man to lunch in my home just as a mate.

Maybe something will come of it. We'll see.

MadeMan Thu 19-Dec-13 19:10:11

Just put your Je T'aime record on in the background and stroke the stem of your wine glass whilst licking your lips at him and tossing your hair about.

Or maybe not.

Twinklestein Thu 19-Dec-13 19:19:32

In the new year?? What's wrong with this weekend?

Twinklestein Thu 19-Dec-13 19:20:04

Lunch in the new year is what I would arrange with my aunt...

LoisChristmasPuddingLane Thu 19-Dec-13 19:38:13

This weekend I am going to my daughter in Paris for six days; when I come back the Man will be in the UK visiting his sister. Until after New Year.

You may mock, but this has taken a lot of courage for me to do. But go ahead and mock if it makes you feel good.

MadeMan Thu 19-Dec-13 19:58:01

I'm only being silly.

I hope it goes well for you Lois. smile

LoisChristmasPuddingLane Thu 19-Dec-13 20:07:29

Thank you. I have absolutely rubbish luck (if such a thing exists) with men. The ones I like are never interested and the other ones just want a quick shag. So taking it slowly might actually work, you never know.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Thu 19-Dec-13 21:13:39

Hi Lois, I can identify with your dilemma; I recently had a thread about a guy at work who was similarly flirty but indefinite. He turned out to be a tit, but I don't regret going for it as I'd rather know than be stuck in uncertainty indefinitely, jumping whenever he clicked his fingers.
I think you have to just be true to yourself and that's all the useful advice I can give to be honest. Be aware of the possibility that he is using you for an ego boost, or is oblivious, or various other possibilities - but don't let that dictate your behaviour. Do what will create a resolution for yourself - whether that is pushing it on a bit or stepping back and seeing what he does in response. Only you can know how much proactivity you feel comfortable with.

LoisChristmasPuddingLane Thu 19-Dec-13 21:32:13


I don't think this guy has had much to do with women in recent years. He tends to socialise with guys who do cycling and stuff like that. While we were out the other night I got him to hold back my hair because he insisted one had to drink this particular drink on the table, not holding it. OK, but I have long hair.

And he said it was a long time since he had touched hair. He's practically bald, which I don't object to at all. But that sounds to be like he's not been close to someone in a while.

middleeasternpromise Thu 19-Dec-13 21:36:39

Sometimes you have to be friends first to see what else may come. If you start as friends it can be a gamble to take it further and risking losing all on both sides. Offer lunch if he's not keen he will get himself out of it if he doesn't, you will know if you can spend more than a bit of time together alone - what's to lose?

I asked my DP out and I proposed to him.

Good luck with your lunch.

LoisChristmasPuddingLane Thu 19-Dec-13 21:50:52

Thanks all.

It is tricky and I think part of it is being older too. (He's a little younger than me and I'm 51). By this age, if you haven't been married, you've seen some STUFF. I just want a nice guy who makes me laugh and who won't shag around. If my friend could be that person then great. We'll see.

stickysausages Thu 19-Dec-13 21:55:42

I asked a man out once....

10 years later, we're still together grin

LoisChristmasPuddingLane Thu 19-Dec-13 22:01:38

I am much cheered by these stories.

MadBusLady Thu 19-Dec-13 22:05:16

You claim to be useless at flirting and you told him to hold back your hair! You minx fgrin

LoisChristmasPuddingLane Thu 19-Dec-13 22:10:29

Er...yeah I did smile

LoisPuddingLane Thu 09-Jan-14 21:33:37

Well happy new year everyone. I'm back and still not really much further forward. On New Year's Eve he was the only person except for my daughter who texted me. It wasn't a standard generic HNY text. He was over in the UK and having a moan about where he was.

Anyway, since then nothing. I feel reluctant to pursue it at the moment - he seems much less chatty on facebook and stuff. In fact not chatty at all. I don't want to make an uncomfortable situation by saying "sooooo LUNCH THEN!". Bugger, why is it so difficult.

EllieInTheRoom Thu 09-Jan-14 22:21:28

Grrrrrrrrr this sounds so close, yet so far!

Maybe he's waiting for you to issue the invite? He did say yes. The NYE text message could have been a "hello remember I'm here" message. I mean, he was obviously thinking about you.

TBF he could have just said, how about that lunch then, but maybe you're as bad at this as each other.

He probably hasn't been as chatty on FB as he has been visiting etc.

I say do it! Ask him properly. If he says no or gives a week answer fuck him off, but don't quit now!!

EllieInTheRoom Thu 09-Jan-14 22:22:02


LoisPuddingLane Thu 09-Jan-14 23:58:56

Yeah, I guess it deserves a final push. It's like those machines at the fair that you put 2p pieces in and they move backwards and forwards not quite tipping over the edge.

LoisPuddingLane Thu 16-Jan-14 18:51:40

OK, I know this moves more slowly than a treacle on a cold day but I'm slowly getting somewhere. So, after the last post I dithered a bit and then sent him a breezy message.

And he said yes and then asked if other people were invited. And then he said when he could make it. So I've written back saying I wasn't planning to invite anyone else and he hasn't read that yet.

Why is this so scary? I'm CACKING myself.

Pippilangstrompe Thu 16-Jan-14 19:06:05

Fingers crossed!

fluffyduckie Thu 16-Jan-14 19:07:48

Good luck!

I am so shy around people, really shy around men, and embarrassingly shy around a man that I like!

LoisPuddingLane Thu 16-Jan-14 19:12:06

Yeah me too. And this isn't like a thing where I just think "ooh might have some sex, that's nice". It's really nerve-wracking.

fluffyduckie Thu 16-Jan-14 19:16:10

I have a secret crush on a man I sort of kind of know and I just blush and always say something stupid when I see him ..... amazed he hasn't guessed that I have a crush on him really but he probably just thinks I am socially challenged!

It really is nerve wracking! The idea of asking him out terrifies me so you are being really brave!!

LoisPuddingLane Thu 16-Jan-14 19:22:39

I'm asking him in, technically grin)

fluffyduckie Thu 16-Jan-14 19:29:08

grin I live with my parents so that would NOT work!

LoisPuddingLane Thu 16-Jan-14 19:29:49

hahaha no!

LoisPuddingLane Thu 16-Jan-14 20:20:03

OK, we seem to have established a - I don't want to say date, but date in the sense of a day. You know what I mean. Gah.

Doobiedoobedoobie Thu 16-Jan-14 20:26:45

That sounds really promising IMO... The only reason I can imagine he'd have asked if other people were invited would be to gauge what kind of an invite it was iyswim so he's probably hoping it'll just be you and him. Squee!

Fluffyduckie, I'm the same ATM with a guy in work. Thankfully I don't work closely with him but while in my head I'd like to be cool and confident but flirty, in reality I find myself blushing and saying silly things then giggling a bit hmm I'm so so crap at things like this, it's an absolute wonder I ever married ExH tbh.

fluffyduckie Thu 16-Jan-14 20:31:12


If you have any tips - share!

Doobie - It is embarrassing and at the same time kind of crazy as he just doesn't notice me so nothing will happen even though the more I find out about him, the more I like him. Just stuck really!

MadBusLady Thu 16-Jan-14 20:51:30

Ah, progress! Agree he asked about other people to gauge whether it was a date or not.

LoisPuddingLane Thu 16-Jan-14 20:56:50

I'm not expecting anything, but I shall be insanely nervous on the day. I hope my roast potatoes work.

MadeMan Thu 16-Jan-14 22:26:59

Good old roast potatoes! Here's hoping they will save the day. smile

fluffyduckie Fri 17-Jan-14 19:13:57

Eeeeek! I would be so nervous! You are doing better than me - I would be far too shy to ask my crush out!

MadeMan Fri 17-Jan-14 19:23:45

Fluffy, could you say to your crush something like, "I have a friend who really likes this man but she isn't sure if he likes her, because men always ask out someone they like, don't they?" Then see what he says.

It might sound a bit school playgroundish, but if you're really shy and scared of being hurt you might be able to drop some big hints by using the 'my friend' tactic.

EllieInTheRoom Fri 17-Jan-14 20:27:08

On yay!! Nice one.

When is the day Lois?

LoisPuddingLane Fri 17-Jan-14 22:27:07

Not this Sunday but next. Which gives me time to lose three stone, obviously...

fluffyduckie Sat 18-Jan-14 09:20:26

So funny because dropping a few stones would be my panic too!

LoisPuddingLane Fri 24-Jan-14 15:27:18

Couple of days to go and not panicking YET. I dreamed that he kissed me last night and it was lovely. Sigh.

LoisPuddingLane Sun 26-Jan-14 17:29:58

Well...I don't know if anyone is reading this - probably not. We had a lovely afternoon and talked non-stop. But I'm fairly sure he just doesn't think of me in that way as there wasn't the slightest hint of fancying. And he didn't kiss me goodbye. Ah well. Onwards.

ImperialBlether Sun 26-Jan-14 17:58:45

Oh no! I've read the whole thread, hoping it would end well!

Has he had another girlfriend in any of the time you've known him?

MadBusLady Sun 26-Jan-14 18:01:13

Sorry to hear that Lois.

MadBusLady Sun 26-Jan-14 18:01:41

I still don't think if I were in his position I would realise you had asked me out though!

LoisPuddingLane Sun 26-Jan-14 18:01:50

Well it was really a lovely afternoon/early evening. I was so worried that once on our own conversation would dry up but we talked constantly for about 5 hours.

He has never, ever mentioned a woman. I like him so much and I just don't know what else to do now. Nothing, I suppose.

LoisPuddingLane Sun 26-Jan-14 18:06:40

I have to say though, dinner was a triumph. I did chicken in white wine in the slow cooker and loads of roast potatoes.

LoisPuddingLane Sun 26-Jan-14 18:44:34

I'm a bit weepy to be honest. I feel invisible.

MadBusLady Sun 26-Jan-14 18:58:09

Oh I'm sorry sad

Ignore me if it's just not the right time to go into all this - but I think a recurring feature of the thread has been you making tiny baby steps which feel incredibly significant and exposing to you, and then being disproportionately disappointed when the bloke doesn't respond with a giant, leaping bound.

I'm no expert on getting people interested myself, but that seems to me to be a recipe for beating yourself up.

I think maybe a bit more risk, earlier on, with less chance to invest hopes in it, so that you find out quicker if someone's not interested and then move on, might be easier to deal with.

LoisPuddingLane Sun 26-Jan-14 19:00:53

That's never going to happen, unfortunately. It takes me ages to get up the nerve to do anything, by which point it really is significant - to me. To the other person, maybe not.

LoisPuddingLane Sun 26-Jan-14 19:03:47

Oh well. I've done as much as I can. What I try to remember at times like these is someone I read somewhere about not chasing love that is not freely given. I've done that more times than I care to remember.

LoisPuddingLane Sun 26-Jan-14 19:04:38

something I read, not someone

MadBusLady Sun 26-Jan-14 19:09:17

Oh, snap. I don't know what the answer is really, no idea how some people seem to just be able to manage these things. Do they just stop themselves from liking people who they know don't like them, or are they always able to make whoever they want like them?

LoisPuddingLane Sun 26-Jan-14 19:12:02

I really don't know. I have the worst luck with men and either attract men who want only One Thing, or no-one at all. Still, the chicken was good.

MadBusLady Sun 26-Jan-14 19:13:45

grin Well, that's something.

LoisPuddingLane Sun 26-Jan-14 19:15:20

Fucking aces, it was. That slow cooker is the bollocks.

Pan Sun 26-Jan-14 19:22:55

Tried to read all of the thread...Y-chrome here. I'd stop focussing on him tbh. Whilst we do like to be asked out, he seems to be not that keen. IF he was he would be re-arranging stuff to ensure it happens.
He doesn't know what he is missing out on. Slow-cooked chicken is indeed ze bollocks of ze dog. As the French say.

JustALittleGreen Sun 26-Jan-14 19:24:35

You dont actually know he's not interested, though! Take heart! Wait and see what happens next. I would send a text the next morning and say thanks for coming I had a lovely afternoon, hope to do it again or something. Then see what happens. If he's not into you he'll say something really vague or try to brush it off but if he eagerly agrees then he might really like you!

LoisPuddingLane Sun 26-Jan-14 19:25:15

Haha, I'm sure my slow cooker could even make dogs' bollocks tasty.

I think you are right, Pan, sadly. I'll take my roast potatoes elsewhere.

MadBusLady Sun 26-Jan-14 19:26:35

Pan he came round for lunch, nothing happened. But I take your point, I think some kind of advance would have been forthcoming during lunch if he'd been interested.

Unless there was one Lois isn't telling us about

LoisPuddingLane Sun 26-Jan-14 19:30:21

No there was no advancing of any sort. I wore my favourite top with the semi-obvious cleavage, let my hair down during the meal in a very quiet way (not like some bloody shampoo ad) and nothing provoked his manly desires.

Pan Sun 26-Jan-14 19:35:05

oh sorry missed that. Nope, semi-obv cleavage with cascading hair AND delicious chicken...switch off the flashing highway signs for that roadster, I'm afraid.

LoisPuddingLane Sun 26-Jan-14 19:36:35


neiljames77 Sun 26-Jan-14 19:43:29

LoisPuddingLane - I hope you didn't use such coarse language on your date! Or start talking about your dogs bollocks just as he was taking a bite out of one of your roasters.

LoisPuddingLane Sun 26-Jan-14 19:46:58

He's known me long enough to know I have a foul mouth. But no, I didn't say such things when he was eating my lovingly prepared food.

ImperialBlether Sun 26-Jan-14 19:47:07


I'm picturing the guy just taking a bite of his chicken just as the OP says "Those are the dog's bollocks."

LoisPuddingLane Sun 26-Jan-14 19:50:09

Oh so funny. Yes.

Pan Sun 26-Jan-14 19:51:09

Having said all of that, I am particularly shit at picking up cues. I was complaining to a work colleague at an office I visit now and then about space to dry out my wet gear from biking in the rain. She said "Don't worry, I'll dry out your wet stuff." Looked back at her screen and quietly said "Any time." I thanked her v much for being so thoughtful
Relayed this to a matey of mine weeks later. He just looked at me, as if I am a lost cause. blush. Surely I win some sort of prize.

LoisPuddingLane Sun 26-Jan-14 19:52:45

Aw that is sweet, and painful at the same time. Yes, you can have the prize - leftover slow cooked chicken.

MadBusLady Sun 26-Jan-14 19:58:00

<awaits Pan's work colleague thread>

neiljames77 Sun 26-Jan-14 20:00:14

You're not alone Pan. My mates think I'm a lost cause too. I think half of it is not wanting to misread things, commit yourself, then look like a tit.

Pan Sun 26-Jan-14 20:15:53

yes neil that's about it.
Also I tend to be chatty and genuinely interested in what I am talking to someone about, so anything flirty gets graded out as not relevant to the subject in hand. Idiot.

neiljames77 Sun 26-Jan-14 20:34:55

Did you know that women who work in the sales offices in those portacabins you see on new housing developments have their own code for chatting men up? I used to deliver diggers and dumpers to the sites and didn't know what any of it meant. A friend of mine started going out with one of them and he asked her what her and her mates meant when they were looking at some of the blokes and saying, "I'd give him a brew" or "I'd give him a biscuit".
She told him,"a brew meant she was interested in him and would like him to stay and chat, a brew and a biscuit meant she wants to give him one".

LoisPuddingLane Sun 26-Jan-14 20:50:11

So how do you know if someone is a lost-cause bad-cue-picker-upper, or just not interested?

Pan Sun 26-Jan-14 20:54:10

See I'd be offering to put the kettle on and try to rustle up a doily to put under the biscuits.grin

Lois, I don;t know really. But I do suspect strongly that even 'those without hope' would be cottoning on to your dedications toward the object of your desire, in those circs.

LoisPuddingLane Sun 26-Jan-14 20:56:57

I don't understand what you mean. Could you be clearer please?

neiljames77 Sun 26-Jan-14 21:02:41

I think you might have to ask him, "do you just see me as a friend, or anything else?"
I must admit though, if a woman went to the trouble of cooking a nice meal and inviting me round, I'd be going for a kiss at the end of the night.

Pan Sun 26-Jan-14 21:04:24

I mean whilst some men, such as those here present, are pretty bad at picking up 'cues', the circs with your bloke are fairly clear cut, and even I, or neil, as bad as we are, would be picking up on your invitation to 'romance' without any doubt?

LoisPuddingLane Sun 26-Jan-14 21:06:53

So he's either much, MUCH worse than you; or not interested?

Pan Sun 26-Jan-14 21:12:22

Um...not interested romantically. Seems to be.

LoisPuddingLane Sun 26-Jan-14 21:13:34

Yeah. Shit, poo and arsefuck, if you'll excuse my indelicacy.

wileycoyote Sun 26-Jan-14 22:07:30

There may be lot's of reasons why, if he isn't interested, none necessarily to do with you. Maybe he doesn't want a relationship with anyone at the moment, maybe he is in love with someone else, maybe he just wants a friend. What did he say as he left?

LoisPuddingLane Sun 26-Jan-14 22:27:40

See you on Facebook

Thetallesttower Sun 26-Jan-14 22:47:52

You've made your move, now see if he takes it forward. He has every reason to ask you for a reciprocal dinner. If he does, great, if he doesn't then it really is his loss, chicken dinner sounds yummy. Don't moon over him though, best to move right on.

neiljames77 Mon 27-Jan-14 17:14:05

Lois - Did he leave in a hurry? The chicken wasn't still pink in the middle was it?

MorrisZapp Mon 27-Jan-14 17:20:07

For the love of god, don't try to meet a woman by approaching a group of them. NO NO NO. This is the pits of the earth. The message you're basically giving is 'hey ladies, I'd shag any and all of you. Which of you is the most likely to say yes?'

Worst dating approach ever. Even if its blatantly a one night stand you're after, you have to make the woman feel that you fancy her more than you fancy her pals.

This is to the guy on the first page, btw smile

LoisPuddingLane Mon 27-Jan-14 19:10:43

The chicken was amazing and had been done in the slow cooker for five hours. And he said it was delicious. He had seconds. So at least he liked that. <sulk>

MadeMan Mon 27-Jan-14 19:18:47

It's good though if he likes your cooking Lois. Don't people always say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach? smile

He'll remember your delicious chicken supper the next time he's sitting indoors at home with a fork, staring at his open can of cold beans.

LoisPuddingLane Mon 27-Jan-14 19:24:14

Well I was hoping the way in would be either via his stomach or slightly lower. I'm not very good at the old seduction, clearly.

neiljames77 Mon 27-Jan-14 20:08:33

If you do bother to make the wet lettuce another meal, drop your fork under the table and give him a treat. Although the bloke's that slow on the uptake, he'll probably just think you're trying to floss your teeth.

LoisPuddingLane Mon 27-Jan-14 20:38:29

No I'm not doing another meal. He'll have to reciprocate otherwise it's just me chasing a man who isn't interested (again).

neiljames77 Thu 30-Jan-14 11:56:00

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A woman walks in and sits down
at the table next to him. He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly. He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto : 'To Fly. To Serve'? The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto; "Winning the hearts of the world'? Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face. Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto; 'Going beyond expectations'? The woman looks at him sternly and says, 'What the fuck do you want, you annoying little prick?'
'Ah!' he says, "Ryan Air".

struggling100 Thu 30-Jan-14 12:28:03

Lois - you sound like a lot of fun, and I am SURE there are loads of men who would love to be with a woman with such a great sense of humour (and a terrific slow cooker).

I do wonder if a lot of modern men are just embarrassed and even scared by those old-fashioned seduction techniques. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that some things are exciting in fantasy, but not so much in real life. I will always remember driving over to my DH's house when we first met dressed to the seductive nines - when I got there he was in rough clothes painting a gate, and looked at me with amused surprise! It was not the admiring welcome that I was hoping for!! Being myself, and being ordinary and comfortable worked a lot better smile

LoisPuddingLane Thu 30-Jan-14 14:14:50

I really didn't do any seduction techniques. I would rather die than do the bend-and-snap sort of thing like in Legally Blonde.

You are kind to say such nice things though.

I have to say I'm in a very discombobulated state because I want to be with him and it looks like I won't be. I'm almost tempted to take up internet dating again, just to distract myself.

TheresLotsOfFarmyardAnimals Thu 30-Jan-14 14:25:55

Hi Lois, I've just read your posts. grin

I personally think that you should put yourself out there one last time and make sure you snog him. I can practically cut the tension with a knife!

TheresLotsOfFarmyardAnimals Thu 30-Jan-14 14:26:18

If he doesn't respond then, he is almost certainly gay.

LoisPuddingLane Thu 30-Jan-14 15:00:16

haha! I don't think he is.

I blame my bloody hormones. When you are nearly menopausal they go absolutely crazy and I just want to Do It all the time. It's a pain, frankly. Plus I want cuddles because I'm a miserable old cat-woman with no cats.

LoisPuddingLane Fri 31-Jan-14 15:06:04

Well I think it's safe to say it's a non-starter. I sent him some info about a situation of hi that I'd researched, admitting that I was a terribly interfering old cow. And I said "Consider yourself interfered with". I did hastily say "Oh that sounds SO wrong", but he didn't reply at all. We normally have a very bantery sort of friendship so I can only assume a) he was disgusted, b) he was absolutely terrified or c) he really isn't that interested.

I'm leaning more towards C. And thinking "his loss".

LoisPuddingLane Fri 31-Jan-14 15:09:58

Actually he did reply to the information - said it was very useful. He didn't reply to my saucy double entendring.

neiljames77 Fri 31-Jan-14 15:38:56

Option D) He's wanted to for quite a while but now the time has come, he's a bit nervous and feels a bit intimidated.
Can't you just ask him, "after that nice meal I cooked you, how come I didn't even get a kiss?"

LoisPuddingLane Fri 31-Jan-14 15:54:17

I could ask him but...I wonder how I would feel if a guy said that to me. I'm not sure it's ok to say that.

Funnily enough my daughter said that we (both she and I) can be a bit intimidating. I don't see it meself, but then I wouldn't.

WarmFuzzyFuture Fri 31-Jan-14 16:10:32

Seriously neil? He is clearly not interested, (for whatever reason). He is under no obligation to explain, and the subtext was crystal clear IMO.

Lois I am sorry that he didn't reciprocate, best just leave it.

LoisPuddingLane Fri 31-Jan-14 16:11:53

Yes, I'm the "best leave it" camp. Otherwise there is quite a possibility of making a tit of myself.

LoisPuddingLane Wed 05-Feb-14 12:24:22

Just as an afterthought, does this count as taking the piss? Or perhaps cocklodging with no cock or lodging?

After the "interfering" upthread, we went back to talking normally.

I just got a text from him and I (stupidly) was thinking "oooh how nice, maybe he wants to take me out or cook ME a meal." No. He's in the cafe which is next door to where I live and he wanted to know my internet password. Not even a please! Fortunately I don't know it.

MadBusLady Wed 05-Feb-14 12:57:39

Cocklodging with no cock grin

Yes that would annoy me without an attached invitation down for coffee, whoever it was. Bit of a cheek. There's a small chance he's angling for you to say oh, I'll pop down and see you, but if true that would also be annoying.

LoisPuddingLane Wed 05-Feb-14 13:12:11

Nah, he knows I'm at work 35 miles away! I have no problem offering my password to people who are in my flat, or staying with me. It's on a bit of card the internet providers gave me, but I can't actually remember it. So, no problem with giving it to guests, big problem with freeloaders texting me at work to get it off me.

At least if he was actually cocklodging I'd get some cock. I don't think I get anything at all in this arrangement, except the warm feeling of being a nice person when I cook for someone or give them some needed information.

MadeMan Wed 05-Feb-14 16:33:44

I don't think he's interested Lois. Surely after 6 months now he would have done something and made a move on you (not just for your free internet). Maybe it's best for you to try and move on to finding someone that appreciates you and the effort you make for them; this one just seems like flogging a dead horse (if that's the appropriate phrase).

LoisPuddingLane Wed 05-Feb-14 19:42:32

I'm not flogging him any more. I've sort of given up on the whole idea and today just made me feel really annoyed. Texting me at work to ask me my fucking internet password!

I'd love to move on. I think my problem is at the moment that I've got really fat and men aren't attracted to me. Yes I know some men like it, but most don't. So I don't want to go back on the internet dating or anything without losing a bit of weight. That sounds like an excuse for not doing anything but I really am a fatty. I look like I'm about to give birth.

LoisPuddingLane Wed 05-Feb-14 23:02:03

By the way, I told my daughter about this tonight and she just left a minute pause then shouted "NEXT!".

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