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so, he's has sex with a prostitute...

(121 Posts)
lolathemagnificent27 Sun 18-Aug-13 18:59:42

feeling very confused at the moment and would like some opinions please.

I met this man in february, though mutual friends, started dating in April, took things fairly slowly but got on like a house on fire, it felt right and after talking about it a few weeks ago we both agreed we were mad about each other and wanted to be together in a serious committed realtionship.

Fast forward to today when he left his mobile phone in my car by mistake but couldnt come to collect it until 2pm (i was at work)

I know, I know..I should not have done it, but thinking I was a comedy genius at the time, I went onto his facebook page to write a funny status update pretending to be him, thinking nothing of it. He saw it on his laptop we had a giggle about it and that was that.

An hour later, bored in work I thought i would have a nosey and went to his inbox. wrong, intrusive, breach of trust? maybe, but I certainly did not expect to find anything out of sorts and though I could trust him wholeheartedly so never gave it too much thought.

So the message i read was one with a very good friend of his. Lots of usual boy chat about football etc then it got a bit deeper and was reading about when my DP was on a stag-do. He was describing how it was a bit of a travel for a 'bang' (this is where I begin to feel physically sick) i think his exact words were, 'was a bit pricey too, they should've paid us after the ride we gave them, we should've went with the blondes!'

revolting or what. I was pretty shocked to say the least so scrolled up to see what else had been said. It was a few months beforehand but they were discussing a trip to amsterdam or down south for a 'strip club weekend'

I was disgusted, composed myself, put his phone away, got on with work and decided to act normal when he collected his phone and will discuss it with him at some point when I've had time to digest.

If its of any relevance, the dates of the stag doo were when we had only just met, been on a few dates and had not had sex at this point. And the 'strip club' talk was from the beginning of the year. so he was a single man free to do as he pleases and i suppose really has nothing to do with me at all. BUT, I find it repulsive none the less.

I really have no idea how I feel about the whole situation at this moment tbh. But my gut says RUN for the hills! He knows my views on strip clubs and imo someone who can pay a woman for sex is nothing but a scumbag.

so, wwyd?

I really thought this relationship would last the distance, that we had something so special, as does everyone around us, our friends/family. For the first time in a long time I felt like I could see a future together with him, to me he is the perfect gentleman, really romantic, thoughtful, caring etc. So reading this felt so alien, as if it was a completely different person! But I am well aware that people can pretend to be something they are not. Part of me hopes it was male bravado but I cannot see myself being able to be intimate with him again

could you work this through if in the same position?

mcmooncup Sun 18-Aug-13 19:02:31

That would turn me instantly allergic too OP.

MrsMcEnroe Sun 18-Aug-13 19:05:41

Dump him fast.

He has no respect for women, and god knows what STDs he may be harbouring.

If you gloss over this now, you will never be able to trust him fully, and at the back of your mind there will always be a niggling doubt as to his respect for you and your relationship, and for womankind in general.

myroomisatip Sun 18-Aug-13 19:06:42

No. I couldn't. What happens when he goes off on the next stag do? or a weekend or night out with friends?

Not just because I could not trust him but I would have no respect for him either sad

tribpot Sun 18-Aug-13 19:10:36

Personally I'd sack him for the comment 'should've went with'! (I'm kidding about that, OP, hoped it might raise a smile).

I honestly don't think I could get over this way of referring to sex workers, or 'human beings' to use another term for them. Then you have to consider also your sexual health - have you used condoms? When was he last tested for STIs?

For some people this probably wouldn't be a deal breaker - he was effectively single at the time, and there's nothing to suggest the prostitutes were coerced into sex (equally, nothing to suggest they weren't) but your gut is giving you a very strong message and it would be unwise to ignore it.

TheAwfulDaughter Sun 18-Aug-13 19:15:50

I am so sorry. If I couldn't us going anywhere, but he was a good fuck and treated me like a princess, I probably wouldn't run for the hills, but would find a way to break it off gradually so I could find someone who was actually life partner material.

I think that life partner material is what you're looking for, not a hot shag and some wining and dining that I describe to be a barely acceptable instance to stay with him 'for now'. We've all gone out with some pricks, people with history and baggage and questionable morals, but we need to look at the bigger picture.

I wouldn't be surprised if he got struck down with wandering cock syndrome, a wedding and a few kids down the line. It's quite clear he has zero respect for women besides his wifey, mum and sisters. He'll be crawling back to the at strippers and hookers when he sees you as Mummy and not sexy girlfriend. And then it will be all your fault because you 'ignored' him.

And let's be honest. Yeah, you only had a few dates, you didn't have a ring on your finger, but when you had just bursted onto the scene, all new and interesting and full of promise, he was balls deep in a prostitute when you guys could have been having date 4 or whatever. Vomit. Even when you were sexy and new and a chance to have sex with a woman without leaving money on the nightstand (or at the counter), he'd rather fucked a prostitute.

I could not live with and marry and get knocked up by who treated women as glorified wank socks- and you honestly don't deserve to.

End it. And don't tell him the real reason. In his eyes you'll lose the moral high ground, let the fucker think and doubt himself.

Vivacia Sun 18-Aug-13 19:19:34

It's quite clear he has zero respect for women besides his wifey, mum and sisters.

I really don't understand sweeping generalisations like this on MN, stated as fact, it really annoys me.

OP, I couldn't and wouldn't continue a relationship with this man.

Primadonnagirl Sun 18-Aug-13 19:20:12

End it. His values don't match yours even though he was single at the time. But must say you don't have much respect for him either if you are snooping into his privacy. End it and then you are both free to find people better suited to your respective values

Leverette Sun 18-Aug-13 19:21:06

Ugh nasty. What a shock for you OP, I'm not surprised you feel repulsed. Maybe just tell him he's dumped because you don't associate with men who use prostitutes and refuse to discuss further. Disengage, detach, ignore, move on.

TheAwfulDaughter Sun 18-Aug-13 19:23:39

What do you get from that then, Viv? I haven't met a single prostitute user or someone who actively goes to lap dancing clubs who doesn't have a cheeky little madonna/whore file in his mind.

somersethouse Sun 18-Aug-13 19:24:50

I can't believe you posted on his Facebook page pretending to be him...

Vivacia Sun 18-Aug-13 19:26:00

I disagree that it's "clear". For all we know he might have little respect for any woman. Or he might not have a mother alive or any sisters.

Vivacia Sun 18-Aug-13 19:27:48

Also, I haven't met many men who I would state knowing with absolute certainty what they think about women.

Polyethyl Sun 18-Aug-13 19:31:45

Have you been STI checked?

I couldn't sleep with a man who had paid for sex. I couldn't respect him. I know prostitution is the oldest profession and I realise that many many men must use prostitutes ... supply and demand ... but still. I only know of one man in my acquaintance who has used prostitutes and I instantly lost all respect for him.

Rooners Sun 18-Aug-13 19:33:13

Oh how horrible.

I was sort of seeing a man whom I later found out had used a prostitute - well I was told this, still not sure if it is true.

It did put me off. I didn't confront him about it but honestly the sort of man who thinks he can buy sex is the sort of man I cannot be with.

He would have to be ashamed of it, iyswim. A one off - never to be repeated, or excused.

waddlecakes Sun 18-Aug-13 19:35:01

I think you are potentially making a big mistake in ruining a happy, loving relationship because you snooped and breached both his privacy and his trust, by reading an email that contained references to general laddish activities that he took part in before you were going out.

Mwirren Sun 18-Aug-13 19:41:51

but............ this was an email he received right? The disrespect about women came from his friend,not from him, is that right?

and maybe I'm missing something but were these women prostitutes or did they have one night stands?

I don't think you should dump him because of comments his friend made. His friend might even have been making trouble, knowing you had his phone!!!! is the friend on his fb list?

I am not saying I would find it an attractive trait in a man, his visiting a prostitute, it would definitely be a turn off. But if you weren't really in a relationship wth him at that point, I'd use your own judgement.

LEMisdisappointed Sun 18-Aug-13 19:46:50

It would put me off, if i had found out that my DP of 20 years had used a prostitute before we met, i'd not like it, but i would get over it. If i had found out during the early stages of the relationship and not so long after if happened it would have been the end of things. I just don't think i could trust him. He clearly thinks sex is a very trivial thing, aside from the disrespect for women also, and I couldnt trust him to stay faithful.

I think i would also be heading down the STI clinic too sad

LEMisdisappointed Sun 18-Aug-13 19:48:13

Mwirren - was it ok to say wht they said then because they were prostitues? hmm

LEMisdisappointed Sun 18-Aug-13 19:49:02

and no, use of prostitutes does not constitute general laddish behaviour!

Helenlikesjewels Sun 18-Aug-13 19:51:04

I'd imagine that many a man could have lots of respect for women but just want sex sometimes, for whatever reason. And if, for example, a 30-something independent escort is willing to let him have what he wants for a fee, then he might do it.
I'd think some men could respect her just as much as any other woman who didn't want to earn money that way.
AFAIK escorts are quite busy people so lots of men we'd never suspect must be discreetly paying for sex now and then. It's just life and has probably always been like that.

But this particular man's attitude sounds disrespectful and unpleasant so you now know what he's like. Sounds like he'd eventually treat you with contempt but disguise it for a while.

LEMisdisappointed Sun 18-Aug-13 20:01:34

What Helenlikesjewels said - every word, exactly that!

lolathemagnificent27 Sun 18-Aug-13 20:05:48

thank you all so much for the replies. please keep them coming, I have no idea what to think about this, maybe just need a little time to process it but I'm indecisive at the best of times!

To try answer some, I havent had an sti check as of yet as I only just discovered this today but will make an appointment in the morning.

No Mwirren, what i quoted was what DP had said.

And coincidentally, last night was pretty strange. we really do get on great and have loads of chemistry so in the few months we have been together, last night was the first time we did not have sex. (every other time we have met we have always had sex) he did not take this very well. nothing major he just went in a bit of a huff but i was pissed off at the time and it made me feel like he was only happy if we had had sex. Although he actually said, i bought you dinner and then you just fall asleep on me. AS IF I OWE HIM SOMETHING! argh! To which his response was that he was not being comletely serious when he said that. hmmmm. he later apologised, said he just didnt understand why i wouldnt want to have sex with him (as if he perhaps felt rejected?) and we moved on but it really bugged me

thats what I'm scared of waddlecakes sad

but I like your idea theawfuldaughter

waddlecakes Sun 18-Aug-13 20:07:00

If I were a man I might consider using an escort. It's a simple business transaction. I wouldn't disrespect a prostitute any more than I would disrespect a cleaner. Both are women providing a service they are good at, and I'm willing to pay. What's the issue?

Boosterseat Sun 18-Aug-13 20:08:16

I wouldn't want to date a "lad". I couldn't be intimate with someone who buys sex, total turnoff.

every lads holiday from now on you will be worrying about and wondering if he might be brining an unexpected surprise home. grim.

lolathemagnificent27 Sun 18-Aug-13 20:10:55

thank you helen

sorry to dripfeed but there was another comment from DP telling his friend to get on plentyoffish for 'a shag'

this does not shock me. I know of lots of males and females who do that exact thing and why not if they are not hurting anyone and are being safe/careful. he was also single at the time so again, really none of my business. But I suppose I want someone who would rather not go on that sort of site for that sort of thing...hmmmm

Vivacia Sun 18-Aug-13 20:12:49

What's the issue?

The cleaner is less likely to be doing the job through lack of choice, e.g. not trafficked or addicted to drugs.

Vivacia Sun 18-Aug-13 20:13:56

I'd run a mile from this man.

JoinYourPlayfellows Sun 18-Aug-13 20:14:41

"So reading this felt so alien, as if it was a completely different person! But I am well aware that people can pretend to be something they are not."

Yeah, some people can pretend to be something they're not.

Who do you imagine he's pretending to be something he's not to impress?

You, his girlfriend of a few weeks?

Or his friends?

When he's all romantic and caring, that's him pretending to be someone he's not.

As evidenced by last night's little sulk because you wouldn't give him the sex he paid for with dinner.

LEMisdisappointed Sun 18-Aug-13 20:17:39

See, for me the red flag here is his comment about buying you dinner then expecting sex - dump

Helenlikesjewels Sun 18-Aug-13 20:21:09

"I couldn't be intimate with someone who buys sex, total turnoff."

There are men who can hardly get sex any other way. It doesn't necessarily mean they are sleazy, horrible men. They could be excessively shy, socially inadequate, just not attractive physically to most women so are unable to get girlfriends, and so on. And if they buy sex sometimes it doesn't automatically mean they disrespect anyone. Respect doesn't even come into it.

MissStrawberry Sun 18-Aug-13 20:21:18

Your post about him sulking because you didn't shag him would be enough for me to get rid tbh.

What are you going to do?

lolathemagnificent27 Sun 18-Aug-13 20:28:18

thank you all again

I dont know what Im going to do for sure, but feel I'm swaying towards ending it sad

I have a 2yo DS to think of also, i need to choose a life partner wisely

arsenaltilidie Sun 18-Aug-13 20:28:51

He is still a lad hasn't grown up yet.
Need to get rid.

Reality Sun 18-Aug-13 20:30:28

Oh he definitely has issues around sex, and sees women as possessions to be bought.

The dinner = sex thing is HORRIBLE, he is obviously well used to paying for sex.

Get rid, he is not good.

MissStrawberry Sun 18-Aug-13 20:30:49

<gently pushes you towards ending it>

All the while you are "with" him you are missing the chance to meet someone who will treat you well.

kittenmittens Sun 18-Aug-13 20:35:13

In my opinion sex with a prostitute is a form of rape. Yes there are exceptions but for the most part sex work is undertaken as a result of poverty. Most women do not choose to become sex workers out of a desire to have sex, they do it because they need the money, and they often have sex with men they would not other have chosen to. The nature of the financial imbalance leads to a form of coercion. There's a power imbalance. The man who visits a prostitute uses his power (money) to coerce her into sex. That, in my view, is rape. It's abuse. Let's not even get started on drug addiction and sex slavery and the physical and mental trauma suffered by sex workers.

If I found out my partner had used prostitutes, I'd ditch him. I wouldn't want to be with somebody who had no respect for women.

garlicagain Sun 18-Aug-13 20:52:54

Yh, I would ditch him for the dinner comment. Coupled, as it is, with his evident approval of going 'shopping' for sex, even when that involves a long trip, you've got the picture of a man who sees women as commodities.

"They should have paid us" is a very typical comment, by the way, from blokes who think all women are permanently on heat & desperate for their very special penis. Even when the woman clearly is doing it for the money. I don't think that men who worship their own cock, while despising women, ever really change.

It's a huge disappointment, OP, but at least you've found out your instincts are in full working order! It's probably best to look on this as lovely while it lasted ... File away the good memories, be thankful that you had the experience, and also glad of your internal alarm system smile

waltzingmathilda Sun 18-Aug-13 20:55:41

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

garlicagain Sun 18-Aug-13 20:58:37

Am I really wrong to have fallen around laughing at your last post, matilda? Yes? Never mind grin grin grin grin

garlicagain Sun 18-Aug-13 21:02:02

Did you mean to call OP a slut?! Yes? Never mind.

Sane, healthy, adult women don't give a shit what misogynistic dinosaurs call them.

KristinaM Sun 18-Aug-13 21:02:52

I'm with kittens. Abusing a orostituted women would be a deal breaker for me. Not too impressed with the "I paid for dinner so you owe me sex" implication either

tribpot Sun 18-Aug-13 21:04:45

The thing is though, OP, it's not just that he did it - which you can choose to rationalise on the basis that he was single, etc if you wish. It's the horrific way he is talking about it, and the fact he pressured you for sex, that suggests he has a view of women which is not one you would want your ds to be exposed to, and which demeans you. That is the ongoing problem here. Very easy for him to appear to be 'the one' when all is rosy in the Garden of Shag. Less so when the relationship gets put under pressure.

PeppermintPasty Sun 18-Aug-13 21:11:23

I imagine he believes he has a gold cock. He sounds dreadful. Sorry op.

HenWithAttitude Sun 18-Aug-13 21:14:47

Leave now. Cut your losses

I could not have a relationship with a man whose values were so different from mine.

Ledkr Sun 18-Aug-13 22:23:25

Nah. It would turn me right off tbh.
I wouldn't want a relationship with "a lad" either. Just not my cup of tea.
I wonder if sec will be a bit off putting from now on.

BasilBabyEater Sun 18-Aug-13 22:32:12

"could you work this through if in the same position?"

Why would I want to?

Why would you want this bloke? Why would you and your DC want to entertain this sleezy creep in your lives?

morethanpotatoprints Sun 18-Aug-13 22:33:11

I know he was single at the time, but had he told you during the conversation when you told him what you thought of strip clubs etc, and been remorseful, then maybe.
I know lads who went with pros when they were young and single, but as far as I know it was never even thought of to do it again. Not that I agree with it at all, but that is understandable.
But in effect he has lied to you because he hasn't told you about it.
I would run a mile for this reason and the way he talks about it.

Boosterseat Mon 19-Aug-13 08:07:16

Helenlikesjewels Really?

There are men who can hardly get sex any other way. It doesn't necessarily mean they are sleazy, horrible men. They could be excessively shy, socially inadequate, just not attractive physically to most women so are unable to get girlfriends, and so on. And if they buy sex sometimes it doesn't automatically mean they disrespect anyone. Respect doesn't even come into it.

I think you are wrong here.

OP isn't talking about anyone with the issues above, she is talking about a "lad" who talks about women as if they were wank socks and for that it would be the door.

TurnipCake Mon 19-Aug-13 08:23:02

I would dump this loser for that dinner comment alone

Lweji Mon 19-Aug-13 08:26:28

Reading it all, LTB.

This was a huff over the one time you didn't want to have sex.
Imagine how it would work if you lived together.

And this is the example you'd have at home for your little boy...

Do believe the first thing they say. It's what's they are really thinking. Not the I was joking or the apologies.

Suesue22 Mon 19-Aug-13 08:32:43

After his comment about dinner and expecting sex sounds like he paid for and thinks he gets what he wants. Sounds like he's done before. Dump...

LoisPuddingLane Mon 19-Aug-13 08:40:37

I don't know if anyone has had the misfortune to read that website where men give reviews of prostitutes (punters something) but there are a lot of users of sex workers who believe that the women are actually enjoying it too. Quite a few reckoned that the woman had an orgasm. Yup, because when you are servicing several men a day and letting strangers but their knob up your arse or wherever, you are really going to love it. I was just reminded of it by that "they should have paid US" remark.

LEMisdisappointed Mon 19-Aug-13 08:45:58

Waltzing matilda you're not real are you??

AlwaysOneMissing Mon 19-Aug-13 08:46:42

I honestly think that if you stay with this man you will regret it.
The more entwined your lives become, the more emotionally involved you are, the more your little DS becomes attached to DP, the harder it will be to end things when he lets his guard down and treats you as you know deep down he will end up doing.
It's becoming obvious he doesn't have enough respect for women, and I bet if you think about it, there will be other signs or comments he has made that show his true feelings about women that you may have just brushed off at the time.

Him suggesting you 'owed' him sex after he paid for dinner is a massive red flag. Especially since this is the first time you have not been up for it.
He is telling you who he really is - listen to him.

Mwirren Mon 19-Aug-13 10:05:37

Men like this treat a new girlfriend better than they generally treat women but the same man will treat a long term girlfriend or wife far worse than he generally treats his female acquaintances. Ime. I should have reacted more pro-actively to the signs my x clearly gave out that he had no respect for women. It was hard to read what was right in front of me though, when he was (at that point) being nice to me. don't whatever you do move in with him.

SirRaymondClench Mon 19-Aug-13 10:31:58

This man has such a fucked up view of women.
You cannot stay with him.
He views you the same as he does those prostitutes who 'should have paid them'.
He sees women (you included) as second rate citizens who are there just to be shagged by him.
He reminds me of a 'friend' on my brother who went out with my SIL friend. When she said she didn't want to go out with him any more he threw £20s in her face and called her a whore.
Please get rid of him.

Dam58 Mon 19-Aug-13 10:41:07

It is very difficult to maintain the moral high ground when you have been reading personal messages from before you were dating.
Men talk a lot of bravado and bulls* to each other and they could have been exaggerating.
Personally i'd be more concerned about his childish and immature behaviour the other evening when you didn't have sex.
Do you think that perhaps the love and excitement of your new relationship has blinded you slightly to his shortcomings and now that you have doubt you're seeing him more clearly?
Just a thought.

miemohrs Mon 19-Aug-13 10:54:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LEMisdisappointed Mon 19-Aug-13 10:59:41

Dam - actually she absolutely can claim the moral high ground there is no comparison nor even close

LoopThePoop Mon 19-Aug-13 11:06:40

The 'I bought you dinner and you fall asleep' comment would piss me off more than the stuff that happened before you were a couple.

For that alone I would be looking elsewhere.
A friend of mine started off in a relationship and there was jokey comments like that. They are now married, together 12 years and every job or favour is met with what the other can do in return. It's pure tit for tat and resentment at the expectation that everything is paid for in some way. That includes using sex as a bargaining tool.

It started off like your dinner comment.

LoisPuddingLane Mon 19-Aug-13 11:07:59

A friend of mine used to feel perfectly justified checking her partner's phone and email/facebook. He hadn't actually cheated on her but she felt that she needed to know and this was the only way. I disagreed. I think it showed huge lack of trust.

It also means you find things out like your partner using a prostitute and then having banter about it. I'm torn - I would want to know that but I disagree with the method of finding out. But would OP have found out any other way?

LemonPeculiarJones Mon 19-Aug-13 11:17:33

Leave this scumbag.

He used another human being as a receptacle to have sex into. It disgusts me on every level.

Also he views sex as his right if he's paid for it, whether with cash or with dinner.

What a foul person.

End it.

MrsWedgeAntilles Mon 19-Aug-13 13:56:12

Its not so much that he pays for sex it that he thinks he buys women.
I work in sexual health and I know its not impossible for there to be affection and even respect between CSWs and their clients, its just not very common. Sadly I doesn't sound as though your OH had any affection or respect for the CSWs he frequents.

Imagine the conversation between your OH and his pal was about a restaurant they went to:
"It was a bit far to go for a steak, a bit pricey too, they should have paid us for eating it, we should have gone for the fish"
It still makes perfect sense because your OH thinks of sexually active women as a commodity, not as human beings.
His comment about buying you dinner lets you know he counts you as one of these commodities, he thinks he just needs to use a different currency.

Run for the hills.

Also Mwirren's comment about how he would treat a long term female partner is worth thinking about.

BasilBabyEater Mon 19-Aug-13 14:27:11

"Men talk a lot of bravado and bulls* to each other and they could have been exaggerating."

True. But only nobbish men talk that sort of bulls* and bravado and I'd question why any woman would have such low standards that they'd think that sort of nobbishness is tolerable.

Women should expect more of men. People live down to your expectations of them.

Lweji Mon 19-Aug-13 14:28:56

Even if it was just bravado, his reaction to not having sex is a huge red flag.

Stay away.

lolathemagnificent27 Mon 19-Aug-13 16:30:42

Each and every reply has been really helpful in getting my thoughts together, thank you

Im definately ending it. I've told him how I feel and meeting him tomorrow to get my belonings back and him his. Im gutted however. We were great together but yes I have lost all respect for him. Think I may be single for a hell of a long time trying to find someone who doesnt visit strip clubs etc but I know ill be happier that way than the alternative

MexicanHat Mon 19-Aug-13 16:35:36

So sorry you feel so gutted about the relationship ending OP. Have you given him any reason for ending it? May have missed it but does he know you saw his messages?

lolathemagnificent27 Mon 19-Aug-13 16:43:22

Hi mexican yes I spoke to him earlier today about it. He knows I saw the messages. He automatically admitted it and said he regrets it but thats not enough for me. He is devastated, to the extent of begging me not to end it. I did feel we were perfect for each other but the pressurising me into sex the other night freaked me out, a lot. Im only 27 so I have a lot of time yet to find 'the one'

No point settling, when another stag came up, its all I would think about and I dont fancy living like that

Stupid men!!

DogonBed Mon 19-Aug-13 16:46:42

I am sure you have made the right decision for you which is what matters

MexicanHat Mon 19-Aug-13 16:52:18

I know!! I fell for a guy big time, he seemed so respectful to women. I then found out his marriage had ended because he cheated on his pregnant wife with a woman from work hmm

everlong Mon 19-Aug-13 16:53:50

How horrible for you.

I'm glad you're ending it. It's the right decision. I know you're hurt and hat you really liked him but he's not right for you.

Thankfully you've found out now and not 12 months time when it would be harder and you'd be more attached.

Keep you head high.

BasilBabyEater Mon 19-Aug-13 17:00:26

Good for you.

You don't have to settle for someone like this. It's better to be single, but probably not necessary - there are loads of men out there who are better than this one and at 27, you've got loads of time to find one worthy of you.

FourGates Mon 19-Aug-13 17:19:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsWedgeAntilles Mon 19-Aug-13 17:19:48

Are you ok, OP, its a nasty thing to find out but you've handled it well.

I'm going to put my nurse hat on now and say its probably a good idea to go and get tested for STIs. I don't think you're at any more risk than if he'd been sleeping with women he didn't pay (in fact possibly a bit less as CSWs tend to use condoms more often and get tested more regularly) but as with all sex there still is a risk and its always good to get these things sorted out as quickly as possible.

Good luck, my lovely DH turned up in my living room when I was 28 smile

LemonPeculiarJones Mon 19-Aug-13 17:28:37

Well done OP.

Darkesteyes Mon 19-Aug-13 18:01:28

Dam there is some victim blaming in yr post albeit very subtle.

Well done OP He isnt worthy of you.

garlicagain Mon 19-Aug-13 18:17:20

Well done smile It is sad, yes, and disappointing. But there are good things to remember, and more to look forward to ... without compromising your very sensible values.

Hope you've got lots of treats & good company lined up for the next little while.

AnyFucker Mon 19-Aug-13 18:21:25

It gives me a warm glow to witness women who know what their boundaries are and bloody well stick to them in the face of a bit of nice guy behaviour

Mwirren Mon 19-Aug-13 18:21:27

Babybasil "men live down to your expectations of them".

Very true.

PeppermintPasty Mon 19-Aug-13 19:00:27

Well done you. Strangely proud smile

Boosterseat Tue 20-Aug-13 08:18:03

Good for you!

Not worth spending every moment he is out wondering his hes getting his grotty little end away.

Onwards and upwards from here.

lolathemagnificent27 Tue 20-Aug-13 14:10:25

Just recieved a bouquet of flowers from him with a note
inside quoting lyrics from our favourite song. Barf. I feel nothing

I dont think he's going to take this well at all angry

AnyFucker Tue 20-Aug-13 14:19:16

Put the flowers in the bin along with the note

it doesn't matter how he "takes" it

this man is history

isn't he ?

perfectstorm Tue 20-Aug-13 14:34:13

It gives me a warm glow to witness women who know what their boundaries are and bloody well stick to them in the face of a bit of nice guy behaviour


I take my hat off to you, OP. You're right. You deserve better, and will find it.

Quaffle Tue 20-Aug-13 14:46:26

A tenner says you end up taking him back.

LemonPeculiarJones Tue 20-Aug-13 14:51:21

Send them back with a quotation from the Arctic Monkeys: 'And you told Roxanne to put on her red light'.

From Scummy Man, appropriately enough.

lolathemagnificent27 Tue 20-Aug-13 15:04:29

Yes, he is 100% history. No amount of begging, pleading or apologies can change what I feel.

What kittens said, it is a form of rape.
Haha lemon, I shall!!

Boosterseat Tue 20-Aug-13 15:06:41

they're all infected but he'll be alright cos hes a scumbag don't you know

Great to hear that he is history Lola grin

lolathemagnificent27 Tue 20-Aug-13 15:11:08

grin upwards and onwards for me

Sleepathon Tue 20-Aug-13 15:16:30

Well done to you OP you're an inspiration to others!

LoisPuddingLane Tue 20-Aug-13 15:24:29

I'd want to wash my fanjo out with Flash if I found out someone I'd been with had been with prostitutes. I'm not saying they are automatically dirty but you just never know if they've been doing bareback or not.

MillicentTendancies Tue 20-Aug-13 17:58:06

haha @ wash out fanjo with flash

OP - good call : D

AnyFucker Tue 20-Aug-13 18:10:33


chilipeppers Tue 20-Aug-13 18:17:27

Nasty! End it now. God knows what he might have!!

Leverette Tue 20-Aug-13 18:21:56

Send him a bottle of domestos for a dick dousing? Well done.

AnyFucker Tue 20-Aug-13 18:23:23

alright, alright

this bloke is a skank but let's be careful about the name calling of prostitutes, eh ? Not comfortable with that at all.

KristinaM Tue 20-Aug-13 20:30:08

I agree, prostituted women are usually victims of violence, addictions, mental health problems , abuse, crime and poverty. Have some compassion

LoisPuddingLane Tue 20-Aug-13 20:33:07

Who's name calling?

The fact is you don't know if they will have used protection - I imagine that some earn more money by not using protection. And if the bloke I was sleeping with has been with a prostitute who isn't using protection, it would make me feel very uneasy and a bit grubby.

ShellyBoobs Tue 20-Aug-13 21:02:03

The man sounds like an utter arse. You need rid of him, for sure, OP.

He sounds incredibly disrespectful and it seems as though he's only sorry that you found out, not that he did something awful.

I do think it's pretty shit that you went through his inbox, though.

AnyFucker Tue 20-Aug-13 21:13:52

Lois, this thread has a distinct whiff of prostitute-bashing.

AnyFucker Tue 20-Aug-13 21:15:03

Shelly, would have been better for OP that she was still oblivious to his sleeping with prostitutes ?

AnyFucker Tue 20-Aug-13 21:15:12

would it

LoisPuddingLane Tue 20-Aug-13 21:17:54

If you insist, Anyfucker. I'm not really an argument person.

Leverette Tue 20-Aug-13 21:18:26

Not sure who's name calling? The sentiment I expressed refers to the distate of infidelity, regardless of the third party's occupation.

Leverette Tue 20-Aug-13 21:18:42


AnyFucker Tue 20-Aug-13 21:20:27

I don't believe you

Back2Two Tue 20-Aug-13 21:28:40

You seem to be taking it incredibly well.
I am impressed I have to say. I don't think that you can have been all that in to him to be honest as you seem to be very cheerfully dumping him. Which is great in the circumstances.

ShellyBoobs Tue 20-Aug-13 21:46:10

Of course not, Any.

But what if he hadn't done anything wrong? It would still be a shit situation with the lack of trust.

AnyFucker Tue 20-Aug-13 21:49:15

Indeed it would, shelly.

But I would rather have snooped and find out what I need to know than not. And I wouldn't for one minute be making someone else feel bad about doing it.

Sometimes the end does justify the means.

ShellyBoobs Tue 20-Aug-13 21:58:24

Fair enough, Any.

I'm just of the opinion that snooping in one's partner's inbox is the end of a relationship, regardless of what's found there.

As I said, OP needs rid of the horrible arse of a man, anyway, so it's irrelevant.

AnyFucker Tue 20-Aug-13 22:02:14

A most noble sentiment, shelly. Sometimes RL gets in the way though. OP had suspicions, she was vindicated and is now able to protect herself from further disrespect and hurt.

I congratulate her for that. Her partner was never going to help her out with that, was he ?

ShellyBoobs Tue 20-Aug-13 22:05:10

OP had suspicions...

Where did you get that from?

AnyFucker Tue 20-Aug-13 22:07:14

Have re read the OP, shelly and you are right, she didn't have suspicions

The outcome is the same though

She gets to dump this skank with no more thought for him. Halle-fucking-lujah.

Helenlikesjewels Tue 20-Aug-13 22:08:59

The reason given is: An hour later, bored in work I thought i would have a nosey and went to his inbox. wrong, intrusive, breach of trust?

Read what she wrote.

lolathemagnificent27 Tue 20-Aug-13 22:11:10

Not right to snoop I agree but I am so very, very glad I did.

I am dealing with it well back2, but I think it hasnt quite sunk in yet. I do feel sad and let down, and maybe because I had the day off work today amd DS was at nursery but I got quite upset today twice. I didnt cry over him, or the fact that we will not be together again (although I do think that will come in time) I cried thinking of the poor girls and their situation. I cried in anger of how some guys can be so disgusting and be completely ruled by their penis. It sickens me to think of the abuse they have to suffer and kind of made me hate the world a little bit

But keeping strong in my decision and not letting my heart rule my head.

Helenlikesjewels Tue 20-Aug-13 22:12:14

The chances are the OP would never trust any man anyway, and especially after that. So best steer clear of them. It is actually possible to survive without a man, believe it or not smile

RabbitFromAHat Tue 20-Aug-13 22:12:57

Nobody is 'entitled' to sex; people who believe they are (and therefore use the sex industry, or become petulant when their partner's needs have to be put above theirs) are, to my mind, not people worth engaging with. You got a glimpse of the real him when you turned him down, and you are doing so brilliantly to have divested yourself of him, OP.

Well done! I hope the next chap you meet is much much better.

AnyFucker Tue 20-Aug-13 22:18:44

yes, Helen I just did and conceded to shelly that she was right on a particular point

no need for you to wade in

BasilBabyEater Wed 21-Aug-13 10:33:25

I don't see why you'd assume the OP would never trust any man again.

Adults know that just because one man's a skank, doesn't mean all of them are.

I don't see the big deal about how it's a breach of trust etc. People have different attitudes to this - my kids know the pass code for my mobile, they could read my inbox etc., I'm not that bothered about stuff like that. I only have a rule that they're not allowed to send e-mails etc. in my name. Other people wouldn't give their password to their attorney if they were dying. That's something couples sort out with each other and the OP had already put a FB status update on his page, which he hadn't been annoyed about - they'd had a giggle about it. If he'd said "look, I really don't want you to do that, it makes me incredibly antsy about my privacy" etc., then it would have been out of order for the OP to search his inbox. But he gave very clear indicators that he's somewhat relaxed about that (more relaxed than me - I'd be pissed off if someone did a FB status update on my timeline.)

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