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DP distant since we had baby

(36 Posts)
aussiesummer Sun 18-Aug-13 13:28:01

I've been with DP ten years. We were high school sweethearts. We got married last year and have a nine month old son together. Since DS came along things have changed and I'm worried about where we are heading. I have tried discussing it with DP but he is keen to assure me all is fine.

He is staying late at work more and more. He has quite a high powered job and always has done a fair amount of overtime but now it is most nights instead of perhaps a couple of times a week. Pre DS he used to be keen for us to have 'quality time' together at weekends and would rarely go out without me. Now he is out almost every Saturday without fail, drinking with friends and sometimes work mates. He will come home in the early hours and on two occasions has not come home at all. When I called him his phone was switched off. When he eventually arrived home he claimed his battery was dead and he had been so drunk he crashed at a friends house for which he apologised profusely. Same excuse both times. The most recent time was last weekend.

I don't think he's cheating. He absolutely abhors people who cheat and I do trust him. But I don't feel like we're a proper family or that he wants to be around us which really hurts. We still have not started having sex regularly again since DS was born and I think this has pushed him away but however hard I try I can't re-establish the connection we had.

FrigginRexManningDay Sun 18-Aug-13 13:32:02

He's acting like an immature lad instead of a responsible father. I don't blame you for not having a connection with him. I'd tell him to buck up or fuck off.
Am I right in guessing all baby stuff is left to you?

He needs to grow-up and man up.
If you want to talk to him, he should listen and work things out with you not dismiss it and carry on his childish behaviour.

You need to tell him this cannot carry on.

ViviDeBeauvoir Sun 18-Aug-13 13:56:09

He needs to sort himself out and start taking his responsibilities seriously. I bet the drunken nights out impact on family time on Sundays too. He needs to listen to what you have to say otherwise it sounds like he doesn't respect you and thinks he can do as he pleases.
I wouldn't take the 'he hates people who cheat' as a sign he isn't cheating either as people who are outspoken about this sometimes turn out to be people who are protesting too much.
Keep your ears and eyes open for other signs just in case bt in the meantime I would be having serious words with him about his behaviour and lack of resp

ViviDeBeauvoir Sun 18-Aug-13 13:56:26

*onsibility for things.

aussiesummer Sun 18-Aug-13 15:10:39

Yes it does impact on family time. Well we don't have any family time really. DP is out of the house from 7am to 10pm most days midweek. Then he goes out Saturday afternoon and rolls in on Sunday morning and sleeps off his hangover. DS only sees him Saturday morning and Sunday afternoon. We do nothing together as a family which is sad. I suggested a trip to the zoo last weekend. He agreed and said how nice it would be and how he was looking forward to it but then went out the night before and didn't come home which scuppered our plans.

I was furious when he came home and told him we needed a serious chat. He didn't see it the way I did and went off on one, shouting that I'm an ungrateful bitch and how I've got it easy, staying at home while he's working his arse off to provide me with everything. Perhaps he's right and I can't have it both ways?

HotDAMNlifeisgood Sun 18-Aug-13 15:30:43

Your husband called you a bitch?

And you are the one here doubting whether you're asking for too much?

He isn't right at all, he is very wrong to verbally abuse you like this, especially over a family trip to the zoo. It sounds to me like he uses him working & you being a sahm as an excuse to carry on with his present behaviour.

Yes he works to provide, but you are bringing up your child-Most inwhich he is missing out on from doing too much overtime, getting drunk and disappearing for whole nights at a time.

He is acting like a single man, it needs to stop and by now i'm afraid i would consider the fact he is cheating.

onefewernow Sun 18-Aug-13 16:16:34

" he absolutely abhors people who cheat".

My H was crystal clear he felt the same- he really ridiculed cheaters and mr mid life crisis.

Until I found out about his five year cheating habit.

Just saying! True, too.

aussiesummer Sun 18-Aug-13 17:01:50

I'm far from happy with the situation but whenever I bring it up I'm made to feel like I'm making something out of nothing. I don't know what the solution is. I would have been happy to go back to work to take some of the pressure off but he encouraged me to take voluntary redundancy when I was pregnant so I have nothing to go back to and there are few opportunities in the sector I work in. DP likes me being at home and says it's not an issue, we are comfortable financially, but sometimes he needs to let off steam and I shouldn't question it. As his wife I'm supposed to support him. I just feel sad for DS because he hardly gets to see him sad

FrigginRexManningDay Sun 18-Aug-13 18:11:43

Red flags all over the place. He has you at home,no job to go back to,no chance of an evening class or going to see friends,ruins plans for family time and calls you a bitch. This man isn't looking for your support he's looking for you to sit at home waiting on him.

Oh gosh it just gets worse, i feel for you op x

onefewernow Sun 18-Aug-13 18:15:55

He is.

It doesn't matter if you can't win the argument ith him. Decide what you think is fair and tell him that. It is up to you to make sure he compromises and diesnt take the piss. Start going out yourself too.

If he simply won't, then you have a real and possibly lifelong problem- which is that he doesn't care about your opinions and wants it all his way.

That won't work.

JoinYourPlayfellows Sun 18-Aug-13 20:35:11

"DP likes me being at home and says it's not an issue, we are comfortable financially, but sometimes he needs to let off steam and I shouldn't question it."


So he wants you at home, completely dependent on him so that he can treat you like shit and you can't complain about it.

Your life sounds really depressing.

You don't have to keep living this way if you don't want to.

aussiesummer Sun 18-Aug-13 21:00:11

It is depressing yes. But worth giving up on my marriage over? I'm not sure. Not that easily. He does work bloody hard and does a fantastic job of making sure we have everything we need and more. He is fun to be around when he's actually here and sober. There's no intimacy though. I get told I'm an attractive woman but he obviously doesn't agree. When we have sex, which is infrequently nowadays and usually initiated by me, he doesn't look in my eyes, kiss me or anything. This sounds awful doesn't it? Oh crap.

aussiesummer Sun 18-Aug-13 21:02:52

I say marriage, it's as good as when you've been together as long as we have. It's like having to be a good little wife. Put up and shut up. I feel invisible. He doesn't give two hoots what I think does he?

JoinYourPlayfellows Sun 18-Aug-13 21:06:01

I don't really understand the whole "giving up a marriage over" thing.

You're not being treated well at all.

If doesn't want to treat you better than a housekeeper and nanny who he drops in to see between his exciting job and his exciting social life, then what kind of marriage do you have to give up?

If he won't treat you better than that, you have a shitty marriage with a man who doesn't love you or make you happy.

When do you get to go out?

When does he care for his child as a parent rather than as some bloke that comes to the zoo when it suits him?

Also - given that he doesn't want to have sex with you any more and is just going through the motions, are you REALLY sure he hasn't got a girlfriend?

Staying out all night and being uncontactable is an outrageous way for a married father to behave.

JoinYourPlayfellows Sun 18-Aug-13 21:08:36

I thought you got married last year? confused

aussiesummer Sun 18-Aug-13 21:11:16

We had a symbolic ceremony abroad which isnt legally binding. Just the two of us. He was never keen on getting married but did it to appease me when I found out I was pregnant.

Ahhhcrap Sun 18-Aug-13 21:31:39

Good luck OP

Does sound like he's taking control and wants you at home to treat you like shit.

Yes he does work hard, but you have a 24x7 job! When is YOUR time to let off steam?

Goodluck op, but these needs addressing, put your foot down, speak to him. If it leads to him leaving you don't have much to lose anyway.
I know it isn't easy, but i hope you eventually find an even situation.

cory Mon 19-Aug-13 10:12:18

aussiesummer Sun 18-Aug-13 21:00:11
"He does work bloody hard and does a fantastic job of making sure we have everything we need and more."

No he doesn't. Your son needs a decent model of what a family should look like; he is not providing that.

ImperialBlether Mon 19-Aug-13 10:35:04

I would bet my house he's having an affair. He's acting like a single man and thinks you are a nag, trying to spoil his fun.

He is a terrible partner, a terrible father and really I can't see why you're with him, except for financial reasons.

Look at what you've written. He's rarely at home. Never initiates sex. Rarely sees his son. And that's before we look at your financial dependence.

Please don't defend him, OP. He's behaving really badly.

Twinklestein Mon 19-Aug-13 12:35:47

He's basically behaving as a single, childless man, & you're his mum/housekeeper whom he can treat how he likes.

Please don't think this has anything to do with being together for 10 years - I've been with my husband longer than that, he's never behaved as your husband is. He works long hours - at the moment he's working on a deal & works til 1/2am most week nights - that means the time together is more precious.

orangeandemons Mon 19-Aug-13 12:42:20

This is exactly what my ex was like. He left when ds was 18 months old, then did exactly the same with the next one. I wish I'd kicked him out rather than him leave. He was behaving like a twat, just as yours is

Where his his consideration for you and your ds?

perfectstorm Mon 19-Aug-13 14:45:51

Let me get this straight - you have given up your job, had a baby with him, are totally financially dependent... and you are not legally married? He fobbed you off with a "symbolic ceremony"?

I don't mean to scare you, but you need IMO to look into getting back into the workplace asap. Because an unmarried partner has no rights to anything at all, even after a long relationship and kids. Those contributions are not recognised as worth anything. All you'd get would be CSA child support - you'd have no right to stay in the house, nothing. You'd be on benefits, without recent work history. Were you married, your ability to work and care for young kids would be examined, and you'd be entitled to a share of the family assets. Why do you think he was so determined not to marry legally?

He is not looking after you financially. He's got a free nanny and housekeeper he repays with bed and board, and could dump without financial cost to himself at any time. And he seems to know it, given how he treats you.

This is not a nice man.

Perfect storm is right i'm afraid sad

waltzingmathilda Mon 19-Aug-13 15:18:59

He was never keen on getting married but did it to appease me when I found out I was pregnant.

Was the pregnancy planned or a surprise?

VenusRising Mon 19-Aug-13 15:33:27

You need to get back to work, pronto.

If he refuses to go to relationship counselling, you need to do the following.

See a solicitor to clarify your legal and financial situation.

Also, you need to stop thinking you are married, as you are not, legally.

Also, you need to grow some balls and lay it on the line, and get a mediated separation.

Best of luck to you.

Ten years relationship is not a failure, and you've still got a little boy, but you are up shit creek without a paddle.

His behaviour is so far out of the ballpark of normal, it's unreal, in fact I thought this was a wind up.

MariaLuna Mon 19-Aug-13 15:46:42

The others are right. Start looking after yourself (and DC) by finding out your rights.

Do you really see yourself living like this for the next X nr. of years?

He sounds awful. And like he has a madonna/whore complex.

perfectstorm Mon 19-Aug-13 16:47:09

Whose name is the house in? Joint, or his? And can you prove mortgage contributions in the past?

SarahBumBarer Mon 19-Aug-13 16:48:08

Quote "I have tried discussing it with DP but he is keen to assure me all is fine."

It's not fine. You're not fine. He can't assure you that "all is fine" because you're not fine so what he is actually doing is telling you to shut up.

When he "married" you to appease you did he take care of you in other more legal ways - ie provide for you/DS should the worst happen (wills/insurances/next of kin etc)?

Are the important things always on his terms?

Squitten Mon 19-Aug-13 16:54:19

Agree with perfectstorm 100% - you have been put into an extremely vulnerable position and he has seen to it that he is holding all the cards.

You need to take immediate steps to protect yourself and your DC!

aussiesummer Tue 20-Aug-13 02:30:22

He told me from the start that he didn't want to get married and I was ok with it when it was only the two of us. When I found out I was pregnant (unplanned) I changed my mind. He refused to budge so the symbolic thing was a compromise. In my mind we are married and I wasn't aware of the legal implications of not being properly married? I thought because we have a child and I have contributed to the mortgage in the past that that was good enough. Seems that might not be the case?

perfectstorm that's more or less how I feel. Like a free nanny and housekeeper. I've said it to him too but nothing I say seems to register. I'm fed up of being the only one who puts in any effort.

I'm home alone right now waiting for him to get in. Was supposed to be someone's leaving do and "a few drinks after work". The first I heard of it was when I text to ask when he would be home. He called at 12.30 saying he was getting a taxi home but no sign of him yet. I guess I have to face facts that he either has some kind of drink problem or there is someone else. But whenever that thought enters my head I feel I'm betraying him by thinking the worst. I didn't want to entertain the idea but this is happening more and more frequently. What a shitty situation.

perfectstorm Tue 20-Aug-13 16:44:59

You aren't betraying him by thinking that - he's forcing you to wonder why he is spending every evening and several nights away from the family home!

You need to polish off the CV. Seriously. You do. And you need to look into what retraining or temping you might do to break back in, if your field is crowded and work thin on the ground.

I have to ask again: before you had DS, did you help with the mortgage and if so, is there a paper trail? Better yet, is the property in both your names? If you aren't married, those things really, really matter.

I think it sounds like he's checked out emotionally. I'm really sorry, but I do. So you need to set out what you need to do to ensure you and DS are housed, fed and cared for, and that means working asap, and establishing if you have any claim on any of the equity in the home.

perfectstorm Tue 20-Aug-13 16:49:10

There is a gulf between the legal rights and obligations of married couples to one another, and unmarried. Basically the former are considered to have all assets in common if they split, and if they're not, they're treated as though they were just two random people. The relationship is not a factor in any property division. It's a mess, because most people assume a long relationship and kids mean "common law marriage". There is no such thing.

If you contributed to the mortgage and can prove it then yes, you're in a stronger position as far as I know, because that would usually indicate a mutual intention that you should thereby gain some sort of share of the house. My advice would be to seek a free initial half hour with two good local solicitors to find out what your rights are, should the worst happen.

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