Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Internet dating - was I getting played? :(

(85 Posts)
Jennynero Thu 15-Aug-13 17:24:43

Hi everyone,

So I started internet dating about 2 weeks ago and went on 2 OK dates (nice guys, no connection). Then I met this guy and felt a massive connection the minute I saw him. He was handsome, tall, intelligent and we really got on. He said he felt the same and we did the dirty on the 1st night (stupid I know but it's been a loooong time for me).

To my amazement, he carried on texting me and we met up again (no sex). Things were going great, he was texting me lovely long messages, putting it into my head that he could see it going somewhere.

Anyway, date number 3 was a disaster!! It was like he was a different person. He was really standoffish and even got his phone out to read work emails just as I started talking (he didn't seem bothered when I said it was rude). We kind of had sex but he was almost playing a game with me where we didn't do it properly because he wanted to do it all night the next night (we had already arranged for him to stay at my house as it was a friday). I think he was trying to make me want him??? wtf??

The next day I woke up feeling so confused. I didn't get what had happened the night before and felt crappy and cheap. I text him that morning to cancel and I ended up blurting out that I had no idea what last night was about and wanted clarification on whether we were just sleeping together or getting to know each other (crazy I know, I had known him a week at this point!). I had already fallen at this point and there was no turning back sad

Anyway, we got past all that and arranged to meet on the Monday. He cancelled but had a plausible excuse and arranged to come over the next day. By this point, the texts were drying up and I felt like he was losing interest. I went out, bought sexy new underwear, got all dressed up for him, hair, makeup etc. I had text him about 5pm asking what time he was coming over.

So as I was sat all dolled up with rollers in, I get a text nearly 2 hours after my text at 5, saying 'you are gonna hate me, i can't make it'. No explanation, no phone call, no apology!!! I was so peed off that I had gone to all that effort just to get cancelled on!!

I told him that was strike 2 as he had already cancelled the night before and he simply replied 'what was strike 1 for?'. Anyway, i decided to end it and he just said take care. Take care!!!!

I just don't get it! We had arranged to meet at the weekend and he was going to stay at mine. He had also mention me staying over at his sometime. Why was he giving me all these mixed messages? Was I getting played and was I right to end it?

I still really like him (sad I know) and i'm dying to text him, what I don't know. I just want to see him again, I almost miss him and the sex was amazing!

Am I being a mug or overreacting??

something2say Thu 15-Aug-13 17:28:30

Never test the depth of a river by jumping in with both feet xxx
He was not the first guy you met.
He is the guy you are not meeting nowxxxxx

missbopeep Thu 15-Aug-13 17:28:58

Was I getting played and was I right to end it?

yes and yes.

His behaviour was all about power- and all on his terms.

It's rotten for you but he sounds like a typical 'thrill of the chase', treat 'em mean... kind of guy.

You're much too nice for him.

Bin and don't contact him.

If he really likes you he knows where you are.

amessagetoyouYoni Thu 15-Aug-13 17:34:28

He sounds like hard work already. Give him a massive swerve and move on!

it's over, you'll never hear from him again...or he'll pop up in about 3 months time and expect you to fall at his feet.

Twinklestein Thu 15-Aug-13 17:36:15

He probably has a 'massive connection' with many of the women he meets online.

If continue net dating then you need to wise up fast.

minkembernard Thu 15-Aug-13 17:52:52

Chalk that one up to experience OP and move on.

Plenty nicer fish in the sea.

Jennynero Thu 15-Aug-13 17:56:14

Thanks for the advice guys, it's always good getting an outsiders perspective.

I feel so stupid! Thought I could handle just having casual sex and that I wouldn't care but I can't at all.

Is it normal to feel so attached after a few nights together? Why do men go to such lengths to trick us? If he had mentioned from the beginning it was just sex then I could have handled it. Now I just feel used and upset. sad

Twinklestein Thu 15-Aug-13 18:14:25

It's normal to feel attached to someone you've had sex with if you're female, yes.

It's important to ask upfront what the guy is looking for. And factor in that a certain % will tell you what they think you want to hear so you agree to have sex with them...

ALittleStranger Thu 15-Aug-13 20:02:11

If you want casual sex then don't have it with someone you want a relationship with.

His behaviour is crappy and it might well be a power trip. Or not. You don't know that he set out wanting it to be "just sex". You started sleeping together as near strangers. It's perfectly possible that as he got to know you he decided he just wasn't that interested. If he wanted just sex he'd probably still be having sex with you.

ImperialBlether Thu 15-Aug-13 20:11:23

He was good at forging an immediate connection, wasn't he? Handsome, too. It's easy to see how you were caught up in it all. You have to remember he was good because he'd had a lot of practice. It must be quite powerful to watch someone falling for you. I'm not saying that to make you feel bad, just to see what kind of man you were falling for.

And then he was reading his phone while you were talking. It's an excellent way of making sure that someone feels like shit. If he'd done that on the first night, of course, you wouldn't have slept with him. He wanted to put you in your place. I suppose the third date is the time when he felt confident enough to treat you badly. He did it well, didn't he? It was deliberate, you know. He really isn't a nice man.

I think he'll be back in touch again soon. Be warned. If you see him again after he's treated you like this, you're giving him the message that he can do whatever he wants.

Block and ignore. Don't "forget" all of this and just remember the good things. And most of all, don't get in touch with him whatever you do. You really would be giving him a clear signal if you did.

AnyFucker Thu 15-Aug-13 20:14:50

You are fooling yourself most of all

You say "if he had said it was just sex, I would have been ok with it"

No, you wouldn't

be honest with yourself before you expect any honesty from others

yes, you've been played, but tbh, you were wiiiiiide open to it

ImperialBlether Thu 15-Aug-13 20:20:21

Figuratively speaking, I hope!

cantreachmytoes Thu 15-Aug-13 20:35:06

Sounds like he was a player. Don't feel bad about getting played, it happens.

Very likely you'll hear from him randomly one day. He will still be a player and still wanting to play you. Up to you whether you choose to be played by him again.

On the upside, you got good sex!

BitOutOfPractice Thu 15-Aug-13 20:41:48

WElcome to the world of internet dating!

There ARE lots of nice men out there but you are going to have to get a LOT more savvy or you'll end up a wreck sad

Keep your cards close to your chest for WAY longer than this and get to know someone a bit better before you fall for them

I'm sorry this has happened to you but it's so common I can't tell you.

Good luck

minkembernard Fri 16-Aug-13 09:39:17

OP you now have a boundary. you don't think his treatment of you was acceptable. don't accept it in future. boundaries are an excellent thing to have so look upon this as an experience that helped you define your boundaries. This Will stand you in good stead for your future and help you sort the wheat from the chaf.

Really you should be pleased that you spotted his off behaviour so quickly and took action. well done.

SweetSeraphim Fri 16-Aug-13 09:46:14

What Bit said. I internet dated for quite a while before I met DP, and there are soooo many of these. You have to really have a thick skin, its not for everyone. Sorry this has happened. These men are what used to be known as a 'cad' wink

Oh dear, he sounds like a player. But the experiences are not for regretting, just for learning from, IMO.

I disagree that women can't have sex without feeling a "connection", btw. Women are perfectly capable of having casual sex. The problem here though was that the OP did actually want a relationship with this man, which means the sex wasn't casual to her. And you can't re-write sex after the fact to change it to "casual" when it wasn't.

Jan45 Fri 16-Aug-13 10:03:47

You will learn, and don't shag on the first night if you are looking for a relationship, it very rarely works out, regardless of the feminists out there, he will think you are cheap.

It all sounds very full on for such a short period of time - I think he got the message that you were pretty desperate for him but then going cold afterwards - sounds like you were playing a bit of a game too, you went to an awful lot of bother for somebody you'd only just met, dressing up etc, save that for someone who has earned it.

I'd forget about him now if you can, if a relationship doesn't get off to a good start then it usually means it isn't going to ever.

SweetSeraphim Fri 16-Aug-13 10:13:31

And - I also agree with Annie - women are perfectly capable of casual sex without needing a connection.

arsenaltilidie Fri 16-Aug-13 10:19:04

Yes women can have casual relationships but women often get hurt in these situation.

Given the effort you've already put it in, you (and countless others) were falling for him big time. At least he didnt stick around to really hurt you.

Ra88 Fri 16-Aug-13 10:30:40

sorry but you were being too easy for him .. he will call you when he wants a booty call but that's as far as it'll go !
leave a little to his imagination for a while next time

SweetSeraphim Fri 16-Aug-13 10:34:25

Sorry Ra but I totally disagree with you. I slept with my dd's dad and my stbxh on the first date and we were together for 10 and 6 years respectively. That's nonsense. IMHO of course.

ARealDame Fri 16-Aug-13 10:35:14

Agree with others, especially Imperial Blether. If he makes you feel so rubbish and degraded on the third date, think how bad it would get further along the line. Only advice: block, ignore and move on. He will have moved on already, I'd bet you a pony he will already be focusing on his next internet dating prey (though will try to keep you as a side order perhaps for lean times). Unfortunately, internet dating is crawling with people with personality disorders and players like this.

I am sorry this happened to you. (Something v. similar happened to me.) I agree with Minkin that its great you clocked something unpleasant going on, and put your boundaries down, maybe try to focus on that positive.

missbopeep Fri 16-Aug-13 11:13:41

But sweet both those relationships ( or is the Dds dad and the stbx one person?) you mention are ex relationship(s)- so why hold them up as something to be proud of and even suggest?

SweetSeraphim Fri 16-Aug-13 12:01:52

Erm - firstly, bopeep - whether they're ex or not, they ARE something to be proud of because they gave me my beautiful children.

And secondly, I was answering Ra88 who said

<sorry but you were being too easy for him>

Trying to prove the point that you don't get automatically dumped for putting out on the first date hmm confused

SweetSeraphim Fri 16-Aug-13 12:02:48

I hate the idea that women are though of as being easy for having sex when they feel like it. Move on, women, it's not 1950. Women are allowed to like sex too.

mammadiggingdeep Fri 16-Aug-13 12:18:25

SweetSerephim- I get what you're saying....bit harsh of Bobeep!!!!

Helltotheno Fri 16-Aug-13 12:29:04

Played like a fish OP. Sleep with a date if you want but know that it won't guarantee anything, so if you feel that's going to crush you emotionally, don't do it. Some people are better built for that than others.

Establish some standards for yourself in terms of people's behaviour, i.e, make clear to yourself what you won't tolerate (being standoffish and reading texts would be one for me, I'd have gone on a trip to the loo and not come back). Once you've done that, don't tolerate those things!! You behaved the way he wanted, that is, put up with his treating you like shit, and that allowed him to despise you with impunity. Don't go there again.

Brodicea Fri 16-Aug-13 12:35:46

Tricky - I think when it comes to internet dating, and if you ARE after a serious relationship, it is best to leave the sex for a long time. I did this for a bit and found holding out really weeded out the wrong 'uns: one guy, really nice, attractive, great connection, said goodnight on the doorstep on the first date, same on the next and then before the third he rang to say 'I hope you know I'm not looking for anything serious' and I said 'well I am actually, so if you're not we might as well leave it there'. I was gutted, and I cried, but I would have felt a lot worse if we'd had sex and he'd just phased himself out.

BUT don't be hard on yourself, it's easy for us to be smug and tell you what you should have done, when the feelings are flowing it's difficult: ultimately he's an arsehole and you are ace and deserve a lot better! He'll feel very hollow, if he doesn't already, with all this bullshit and you'll find someone worth your time, secy underwear and all

I did have sex with DH very quickly (at a festival, so two days in - does that count as two dates?), but he was a friend of a very close friend so I felt he came with 'references' wink

Brodicea Fri 16-Aug-13 12:36:41

*sexy not secy!

SarahBumBarer Fri 16-Aug-13 13:07:36

sad This is one of the most naive posts I have ever read.

OP - dou really think that OD is for you at least right now?

He has treated you like shit and yet you are desperate to text him and miss him and have fallen for him? You has sex twice and once was weird and game playin and yet your recollection is that you had "amazing" sex.

He was rude and stand-offish and yet you had sex with him. He treated you badly and your response was to buy sexy undies.

confused shock confused [hmmm]

You have totally inadequate boundaries and it really does not seem that casual sex is for you as you seem to hugely equate being sexually attracted to someone as falling for them. I also suspect that in "ending it" you were hoping to shock him in to getting his act together and realising what he was missing - really bad tactic.

Xenadog Fri 16-Aug-13 13:17:41

Chalk it up to experience.

Just think about the mistakes you made with this guy and then make sure you don't make them with anyone else.

If you were my mate in real life I would say write this one off to experience and in future don't jump into bed with anyone regardless of any instant connection or whatever. If it's a relationship you want then it really is better to meet someone and learn about them as a person rather than having sex too early on. (Oh and only you can decide when it's too early).

There are plenty of players around - both on and off the net - so you do need to be a bit more guarded if you want to avoid being treated badly and hurt in the future.

DioneTheDiabolist Fri 16-Aug-13 13:26:10

Bopeep the poster descibed relationships that lasted 10 and 6 years. Proof that having sex at the first night is not prohibitive to a long term relationship.

missbopeep Fri 16-Aug-13 13:36:04

I don't consider 6 years long term Dione. maybe 25 or 30 years , yes, but 6? No way.

Helltotheno Fri 16-Aug-13 13:39:30

Relationship breakdown: one of those facts of life I would've thought. Or are we all supposed to be giving our cherry to The One at 17 and staying with him for 60 years? That whole thing didn't work out so well if I remember correctly.... hmm

DioneTheDiabolist Fri 16-Aug-13 14:00:57

Really Bopeep? Wow. By that token, no one under the age if 40 could possibly be in a longterm relationship!shock And even then it would have to have started in their teens.

Are you in a longterm relationship? How long have you been with your partner/husband?

SweetSeraphim Fri 16-Aug-13 14:08:24

missbopeep That is utter crap. How long the relationships lasted is irrelevant. My point was that the OP hasn't been dumped because she had sex with this man on the first date.

I know someone that waited a YEAR to give it up - and she was still dumped a week later.

I'm not really sure what your point is.

Anyway, OP, look at this as a handy swerve. This bloke was always going to piss you around, he's that type. There are good 'uns out there, I promise. But you will have to develop a thick skin and a massive set of balls if you carry on OD smile

Apocalypto Fri 16-Aug-13 14:13:29

I started internet dating ... Then I met this guy ... He was handsome, tall, intelligent and we really got on.

As did the 10 or 15 other women who noticed him when he signed up. So he shagged you because he could, and now he's shagging all the others because he can.

He was probably internet dating to begin with because being "handsome, tall, intelligent" he's shagged everyone he knows, has run out and thus has moved on to shagging everyone he doesn't know.

My golden rule of social life has always been "never plan round someone you can't rely on", which as far as internet dating means everyone.

bestsonever Fri 16-Aug-13 14:28:28

I hope he wore protection. If not definitely get checked out. There is obviously a high risk of meeting someone who is after just sex if you have sex on a first date - your other personal attributes being unknown and irrelevant to him at that point.
This goes for men or women, in either case it is a bad idea and proves nothing about how long term it could be as you don't know each other enough.
Always better to find out the man is a tosser before the act than after, stops regret.

LoisPuddingLane Fri 16-Aug-13 14:35:56

There are quite a few chaps like this. I had a similar experience. Forgive me if I have to keep some details vague, but I don't want to be too identifiable.

Lovely chap, somewhat younger than me started messaging me on a dating website. We messaged a lot. He was in the country that I was planning to move to (and where I now live). We started to Skype and were getting on really well. He would disappear occasionally and then come back - I wasn't that bothered at the time as I was seeing people in London. Then I had a job interview in the city he lived in - so it seemed an ideal opportunity to meet. I also managed to meet someone else off the same site that day - it was a busy day.

Having meet guy no1 I realised there was definitely an attraction - the contact between us became more intense. About two months after he'd first contacted me I went over for the weekend. (I hadn't actually planned to do that - I was really certain I'd get an interview for a job and then didn't get the interview - but decided to go anyway).

So...we had a very glorious Saturday. Sunday he was like a different person. I really wanted to go out, so he took me to a local market, but walked ahead of me a bit sullen, not really talking to me. I asked if something was up, said I would go and do something on my own if he preferred, but he said no, everything was fine. I felt it really wasn't. It was almost like he couldn't wait for me to go.

I got precisely one email from him after that trip.

He did pop up again some months later, disappeared and then popped up again. I then blocked him. Fortunately I've not run into him at all. Before I got to the blocking stage and was still at the googling stage, I found FB pictures of him at a party surrounded by women, exactly one week after I was there.

Dating sites are great for guys like this. I try and be more careful now. (Try).

SweetSeraphim Fri 16-Aug-13 14:53:14

My golden rule of social life has always been "never plan round someone you can't rely on", which as far as internet dating means everyone

grin Apocalypto So true.

Dione - don't talk about me. I am a scarlet harlot. I am to be shamed grin

LoisPuddingLane Fri 16-Aug-13 14:58:02

I have had some INCREDIBLY unreliable internet daters. One last December managed to re-arrange or cancel three times after our first date (the final cancellation being 10 minutes before he was supposed to arrive) so I binned him.

VeniVidiVici Fri 16-Aug-13 15:08:32

I beg to differ Jan 45 and others , I slept with my now dh of 16 yrs the first night, the attraction was seriously hard to fight and I know he respects me immensely.

Your guy though OP sounds as if he loves the power and effect he has on you, bit of a an ego-tripper or narcissist? Steer clear.

DiaryOfAWimpyMum Fri 16-Aug-13 15:09:58

Op this is very common especially with online dating, I agree ignore, block, move on.

He sounds like the type to contact you again in a few weeks tbh

BitOutOfPractice Fri 16-Aug-13 15:18:48

Oh yes, he'll pop up again at some point in the next few months.

I had a guy text me only yesterday giving me all the charm only yesterday (to be fair to him I was the one who cooled it after date 2). I was able to tell him I had met a lovely guy and was very happy

It will happen OP but you need to play a much calmer game than this

LoisPuddingLane Fri 16-Aug-13 15:20:49

They always do pop up again.

One chap (there have been a few) - I had a date with him. It was ok but not outstanding. Didn't know if I was attracted but often don't know until The Kiss.

So he also lets me down - actually stands me up and then texts to say he was in a meeting. I didn't reply. He continued to text me for months although I never replied.

missbopeep Fri 16-Aug-13 15:21:15

Sweet- That is utter crap. How long the relationships lasted is irrelevant. My point was that the OP hasn't been dumped because she had sex with this man on the first date.

and that's utter crap.

How can you possibly know she wasn't dumped because she had sex on the first date?

Can you read his mind?

There are plenty of men who will dump a woman after 1 date- their first- when they've had sex. It's called the thrill of the chase. Or maybe it wasn't the chase, but the sex that was crap, or he didn't like her after he got to know her better.... ( OP I'm not having a go at you, but just illustrating a general point).

The truth is no one knows why she was dumped.

You can be dumped after having sex with someone 1000s of times or once.

But from what I'm reading here and what I think personally, it's better to wait if there is any chance at all he is just after a shag- unless that's all you want too.

LoisPuddingLane Fri 16-Aug-13 15:31:36

I tend to jump in quite quickly. The last guy I THOUGHT was going to be a relationship, I waited. It wasn't a relationship - he just wanted sex. See you never know, you can wait and it still goes wrong. So at least if you sleep with them quickly you get sex.

arsenaltilidie Fri 16-Aug-13 15:32:51

sweet reality is for every one that develops into a LTR 100s of women would be played.

Twinklestein Fri 16-Aug-13 15:36:34

Or on the other hand if you don't sleep with them quickly at least you hadn't had sex...

Twinklestein Fri 16-Aug-13 15:37:08

(Reply to Lois ^^)

LoisPuddingLane Fri 16-Aug-13 15:51:34

I rarely go into anything thinking "Great, casual sex!". I always hope it will be more.

SweetSeraphim Fri 16-Aug-13 15:53:46

Which is fine arsenaltilidie, and I agree with you, but I didn't like the insinuation from Ra88 that the OP was easy hmm

And missbopeep - you haven't answered DioneTheDiabolist's question. I'm interested in the personal circumstances that enable you to judge a 10 year relationship as not long-term, and also why you consider the fact that both of those relationships have ended, as not pertinent to the discussion?

missbopeep Fri 16-Aug-13 18:18:54

sweet you'll just have to keep waiting for your answer then won't you? I'm not posting here to be put in the dock with you as the prosecution smile

Whether I've been married 5 years or 50 is none of your business and neither does it affect my right to an opinion on something- which may well be based on personal experience, or may not.

SweetSeraphim Fri 16-Aug-13 18:41:17

Ah. But acting as judge and jury on my failed relationships is ok.... For no other reason than you felt like putting the boot in.

Nice attitude. You might want to rethink that HRT love.

wishes for ignore function

AnyFucker Fri 16-Aug-13 18:44:04

I wonder where op went <ahem>

SweetSeraphim Fri 16-Aug-13 18:47:39

Oh I've also been offering advice to the OP, AF.Unlike some I could mention wink <whistles nonchalantly>

Alright, I'll stop now grin

AnyFucker Fri 16-Aug-13 18:49:44

Sweet,
I agree that bo's pronouncements on your relationships were rather jarring

SirRaymondClench Fri 16-Aug-13 19:00:35

Lois - you know you're bound to bump into Sunday market dude in the next week or so now you've mentioned him, don't you? grin

DiaryOfAWimpyMum Fri 16-Aug-13 19:09:21

My FWB guy still texts now and then. I cba with him anymore. He was like a play-thing

Ive slept with more men since me xh split thna I ever did. I either found my mojo, or found dating sites.

I thought I did everything right on my last date, I didn't sleep with him, then got very drunk and texted him x 25 before finally telling him he was dumped blush

I honestly wish I had slept with him. He was an ex from the past so no online dodgy nonsense and I still managed to fuck it up

LoisPuddingLane Fri 16-Aug-13 19:27:01

Nah, I think I'm fairly safe in August. Like most of the people where he works, August is effectively HOLIBOBS and they all piss off. Weird though, he only works down the road from me. I've been lucky.

VelvetSpoon Fri 16-Aug-13 19:44:38

This guy sounds like typical OD male lowlife unfortunately.

Loads of them out there, mostly incapable of an actual relationship, who just shag about a bit but never get more involved. Its all about power games, and a fair bit of misogyny. A knobjockey like this doesn't actually like women much. Tbh he would have been doing you a favour by just not calling after the first date, rather than dragging it out like this.

I'd say the majority of men who OD are like this. There are a few decent ones, but they are hard impossible to find in amongst the scores of shag merchants.

Helltotheno Fri 16-Aug-13 19:53:42

Plus very good looking people are less likely to have worked on their personalities and turn out to be ZZzzzztastic... don't want to generalise of course so you dodged a bullet really OP

Helltotheno Fri 16-Aug-13 19:54:59

then got very drunk and texted him x 25 before finally telling him he was dumped

I love that you admitted this grin

mameulah Fri 16-Aug-13 19:58:24

I met my dh on the internet! We are very happy and have a pfb ds.

I am not telling you that to rub salt in the wound when you are feeling sad, merely to give you hope!

I dated MILLIONS few guys online before I met my dh. I quickly eventually learned that it is always, ALWAYS better NOT to call the guy if you have any doubts.

Good luck. Don't let that guy put you off. Get over him fast and move on.

Kiriwawa Fri 16-Aug-13 20:03:25

Whether a relationship lasts has sod all to do with when you shag them. hmm

However, a lot of men are attracted to OD precisely because it's a great way to have casual sex. If that's what you're up for, then great. If not, then be a bit more circumspect

DioneTheDiabolist Fri 16-Aug-13 22:33:03

Erm Bopeep, 'twas I who asked the question, not that slag Sweet.wink I wanted to know if you considered yourself in a LTR or if it was just other people's relationships that you judged.hmm

Lizzabadger Fri 16-Aug-13 23:05:06

There are loads of these shits on the internet. They get off on treating people like that. I am afraid you need to wise up quickly.

SweetSeraphim Sat 17-Aug-13 11:17:17

Dione grin You slaaaaag.

DioneTheDiabolist Sat 17-Aug-13 14:43:42

You obviously know me in RL Sweet. Or maybe we can recognize our own.grin

AnyFucker Sat 17-Aug-13 15:48:08

grin

MariaLuna Sat 17-Aug-13 20:50:49

I have a friend who is still with her DH who she had sex with on the night they met.

Their kids are in their 20's.

Just saying....

I do think it's crazy how some posters are judging others' relationships on the nr. of years together, as if the only "real" thing is "till death us do part" hmm

OP, be thankful he showed you his true nasty colours so soon, better after 3 dates than 3 years down the line.

Onwards and upwards I say! grin

Oh, and next time, don't pamper yourself solely for a man, do it for yourself! Cos you're worth it!

wtutoday Tue 03-Sep-13 03:09:53

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Mumsyblouse Tue 03-Sep-13 08:30:50

I agree there's no magic formula regarding when you have sex, and you shouldn't worry about what they think, have sex if you want to.

However, some women become very attached after having sex, and feel very bad if the contact doesn't continue. This is not a bad thing, it just tells you casual sex (which some women enjoy) isn't for you. I have a very good friend who has been devastated by this type of behaviour in men because she just interprets the sex/texts as wanting a relationship and is hurt every single time it doesn't work out (in fact, worse each time as each time feels like a failure).

Have sex on internet dates if you are happy to enjoy that and never see the person again. You might see them again, you might even marry them, but it is better to know yourself and protect your own heart.

You should protect yourself physically and emotionally and for some people, this means giving casual encounters a swerve.

Writerwannabe83 Tue 03-Sep-13 09:14:28

I met a guy via OLD once and we met up for drinks, he wasn't exactly my 'type' but we got on well and I did end up really fancying him. We went on a few dates, he'd ring me at least twice a day and I let myself get carried away in believing it was going to be 'something special' hmm we slept together for the first time after our 5th date I think (we'd known each other just under 2 weeks) and he stayed the night at mine. The next morning he took out his mobile phone, whilst we were still in bed, and he started showing me photos of his ex- girlfriend when she had dressed up as a sexy rabbit for him and I'm talking quite risque lingerie shots! I couldn't believe it! Needless to say I was quite upset by this. Anyway he left and the day went on with no texts or phone calls which is the complete opposite of how he'd been over the last few weeks. I would text him and if he bothered replying it would be a half hearted one about 5 hours later. Then the contact just stopped. I phoned him a few days later and had it out with him and he ended it with me, saying I had made him feel very uncomfortable the morning he'd been at mine because of my having been upset. Apparently, by me not wanting to see naughty photos of his ex and hear about their sex life, it meant I was "too clingy" shock

But anyway, my point of the story, if the guy is a wanker it wouldnt have mattered whether you slept with him on the 1st date or the 10th date. Put it down to experience and move on to the next guy!

For what it's worth, the next guy I met via OLD is how my husband smile

LittlePeaPod Tue 03-Sep-13 15:29:31

Hi Op,

Yes clear as day you have been played - sorry.

Prior to meeting my DF, I was on DS and went of loads felt like hundreds of dates, on and off for about 2 years. I have to admit I didn't sleep with them but that's me generally. I have always waited and dated someone for quite a while before I slept with them. Not judging anyone's decision to sleep with someone straight away. Individual choice and no ones business if you sleep with someone on the first night.

OP I had a ball on DS, don’t be put off by this one experience. I met some nice guys, strange/weird guys, perverts and players. I learnt really quickly not to go into every date expecting to meet Mr Right. I went in with an open mind but always mindful that a lot of men do use DS to see if they can get a quick jump. Lots of people are on DS at work they all share stories and I have three very good male friends currently on Plenty of Fish, Match and Match Affinity or something like that. I am at work now and we have just been discussing your thread. Although two of my male friends say they would like to meet what they consider a nice girl for a long term relationship, one is just online for no strings sex. However they agree that men can sleep with a women who they find attractive and have no emotion attached to the sex what so ever. As one of them said "if it isn't looking good as a long term prospect unless the girl is very unattractive to me, then I will sleep with her with no intention of taking anything any further." Awful I know but that's reality for them. They also said that the other reason the get put off is when women become intense really quickly following a date even if they really like her and haven't slept with her yet. Obviously we can't judge all men by my three friends standards!

I used to categorise the men I met for my own amusement more than anything (MN disclaimer, these categories are based on personal choice and thoughts)
1.The nice genuine guys - easy to spot I thought. Not many of them but they were just normal.
2.The players - very charming, always seemed too keen to quickly for it to be real (if that makes sense) and were constantly online looking for the next date even when they had agreed a date / been on a date with me etc.
3.The weirdoes / desperados / stalkers - got really clingy really quickly, sent loads of text messages / emails constantly, always had some sob story / weird historic baggage and always seemed desperate to meet really quickly after first dates. Made the mistake of going on dates with a few of these. Very difficult to get rid of them!
4.Sex pests / perverts - never met one. Easy to spot because their emails where normally cheesy and always had some sexual innuendo or explicit sexual content

On a side note. Not sure who said a 6 year or 10 year relationship isn't long term, what a load of complete BS that is. Anyone that thinks this must be living in the dark ages out of touch with modern life or they haven't been in a long term relationship before.

Jennynero Wed 04-Sep-13 23:15:42

Thanks to everyone for your replies. You have given me food for thought.

So a quick update. I text him a few days after my original post (yes I know i'm an idiot!) and he text back asking me why I ended it and he didn't know if he wanted to see me again or not (which I guess I can understand as I did end things). Anyway, I then said to leave things and just when I was trying to forget about him (ie. watching eat, pray love and eating copious amounts of chocolate) he text as he had looked me up on FB and seen a rant about men (yes, I wanted the world to swallow me up at this point!) and he gathered it was about him (it was a generalised rant to be fair).

He was still saying he didn't know if he wanted to see me again or not and was 'confused' so I basically told him if he didn't want to then that's fine and I would move on. Then he text straight back wanting to come over that week so i agreed (he had to chase again so I got a quick response). We then went on exchanging pleasantries for a few days and he moved forward the date.

Then the day he was supposed to be coming over I heard nothing, so I text at 5pm asking if he was still coming. Still nothing 2 hours later so I sent a not very nice message saying I could't understand why he had gone to all the effort of getting back in touch with me, arranging to come over and then blanking me. He replied to this one straight away basically saying he had been in a 'crisis' meeting all day and i'm paranoid and basically to f off.

I then replied saying that surely he had time at some point in the day to let me know what was happening and I found it very strange that he text me straight back to my 'nasty' text when he was ignoring me before.

So I am undecided really if he is a twat or not because I did come across as very needy etc and as previous posts stated, just because we slept together didn't mean he had any commitment to me. I do think i'm a drama queen too and am quite insecure so I was always looking for proof that he was a twat so I could fulfill my own prophecy about all men (yes I have issues). I just don't appreciate waiting around for a guy who I know previously was able to text when at work. If they are not interested then why don't they just say so!!!

And yes, i'm definitely not ready for dating, especially not OD but I didn't realise this until I started. Tbh, I wasn't looking for a relationship with anyone, was just bored and don't know many people where I live (i moved far away a year ago) and thought it would be fun (little did I know!). I still don't want a relationship, I guess I just wanted HIM and the more he played it cool, the more I wanted him.

Before I met him, I wasn't expecting anything amazing as his pics were OK and we got on OK and I wasn't fussed either way. It was only when we met in person that I was bowled over and I fully understood at the time that if I slept with him then it would probably mean we never saw each other again (I was fine with this BEFORE the act although it was a drunken decision) and didn't expect to then fall for him as I have had casual sex before and it's been just that.

I have surprised myself with how bad I got over this whole situation and definitely mistook sexual attraction for feelings but it was so strong (doesn't happen very often to me). Just wish I had gotten abit more sex out of him before I went crazy psycho bitch on him.... damn!!

Jennynero Wed 04-Sep-13 23:19:12

Also, Littlepea pod I met him on POF so if he is one of the guys you work with and read my previous post I will die of shame!!!

IComeFromALandDownUnder Wed 04-Sep-13 23:24:33

You did nothing wrong Jenny. It sounds like you were about to be stood up again. I don't believe he was in a meeting. This is all a power play to him. Don't engage any longer.

Hissy Thu 05-Sep-13 07:31:17

Beware the spark! It's not always a good thing!

He is a twat.

If it's that much hard work after a couple of dates, it's not worth it!

LittlePeaPod Thu 05-Sep-13 11:08:10

Jenny don't worry. My three male friends haven't seen your thread. Even if they saw the thread they probably wouldn't read it and unless you live somewhere in Yorkshire or Lancashire then it's unlikely they guy you met was one of them. smile I just discussed the situation with them because I was interested in hearing their perspective. With regards your update. You haven't done anything wrong and you are not an idiot. We all have insecurities and they can manifest themselves in different ways. You really liked this guy, he knew it and you got caught unaware. I don't buy into the game playing don't text him, text him. You simply wanted to know where you stood and you asked. I would however advise that you ignore him now. Having done the OD thing for a number of years historically I know that you will get men that will try and keep you hanging. Text/email/call lots and then go cold with no reason only to reappear out of the blue probably when their pipeline of ladies/emails gets a bit cold on the dating site. With regards the guy you were dating. He seems to have a lot of emergencies which come up on the days his due to meet you hmm. My opinion, his a lier and his keeping you hanging to suite his needs. His not turning up because he has arranged another date, his hoping to meet someone else or he can't be arsed. Either way, his a twat for not been honest and just saying his wanting something casual so you can make informed decisions etc. But that's the reality of the situation with men like him or players on OD. Get shot of him Op, you sound lovely and way to good to accept this kind of treatment! There are plenty of other men out there. You have been very unlucky to have met a lying twat on your third date.

dontbelievehim Thu 05-Sep-13 11:22:19

How old is this guy, OP? And how old are you?
Just out of interest.

LisaMed Thu 05-Sep-13 11:32:02

Read 'The Game'

You are undecided and unsure about a guy who is quite obviously a twat so maybe it would be more productive of your time to do a bit of work on your boundaries before dating again.

It's in a player's interests to be fun and engaging and he may have been 'mirroring' you - listening to what you say then pretending to think the same or be the kind of person you are looking for leading you to assume you've met someone you have a connection with. It's a common trick of abusers and they use it because it works. There are even male dating sites with tips on how to manipulate women for sex - acting like they're interested in a relationship is just one of them.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now