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What to do about the most amazing woman in the world...(53 Posts)
40 year old single male here after your wise and honest opinions on what to do about a potential relationship.
Started a new job 3 months ago involving lots of travel abroad. Got posted with the most amazing colleague I could ever have wished for: she's single, similar age, background etc.
We often end up spending at least 16 hours a day together and we've both agreed we have a great time and we often get mistaken for a couple. It's like we're on holiday together rather than working away from home. We're constantly joking and touching each other without any awkwardness and we happily flit in and out of each other's hotel rooms without any awkwardness.
I honestly can't remember the last time I just enjoyed being with someone so much - it doesn't matter what we do as long as we're together - walk, eat, watch traffic etc. I haven't said or 'tried' anything as we're officially colleagues and I really like and respect her. I do give her a deliberately long handshake when we return home for a few days after weeks together which again, she doesn't seem to mind! The longest we've spent apart since meeting is 10 days and we were texting each other at least every other day and then carried on as we were once we went away back to work.
She loves shopping and I've happily spent many(!) hours shopping with her and on looking at jewellery and rings, I've jokingly said we'll be back soon to buy ours and she hasn't objected or said yes or no.
She has said during quiet moments together that she would prefer a man who doesn't smoke, drink 2 pints on most nights and is a little out of shape - ie me but these are all relatively easily fixable right?! I've yet to find a single thing I'd change about her!
My current options are:
a) Carry on as we are and see what happens
b) Tell her I really like her and see what happens? Could be awkward working together if she doesn't feel the same?
I'd appreciate your thoughts - do you think she's interested in me just as a friend or maybe as a potential partner? What I should do next? Or should I just grow up and stop being so pathetically besotted?!
Sounds like a mills and boon. But the smoking would be a deal breaker for me. Urgh.
Your "bad" habits and shape sound like that is what is holding her back from forming a relationship with you, but saying that, it could also be the fact that you work together.
You're describing to us how there is nothing you would change about her, yet she has these three things she would change about you. If you changed these three things, would there be more after that?
The only suggestion I have is making these changes for yourself, not her, and if a relationship forms out of you being willing to make these changes then great, but if not, i'm sure you could find someone just as amazing who doesn't think you should change a single thing!
I don't think you should have to change for anyone but yourself.
If someone likes you then they should like all of you, bad habits too.
If you give up smoking, the odd pint and lose a few pounds, what will she expect you to change then?
What if you start to go bald for example? Will she demand you do something about it or love you as a baldy?
How specific was she about the things she's not looking for? If it was quite specific (eg at the time you had a cig in one hand and were resting your pint on your belly), maybe it was a gentle way of letting you down.
But on the other hand I don't want to be negative - has she said what she is looking for in a man?
I think she's single for a reason and that, perhaps, she is looking for perfection in a partner. I have a colleague in her late 20s who remains single because she has a long list of requirements that no-one could possibly fulfill. This included the amount of siblings her potential partner had as she wanted to be part of a big family with loads of cousins for her future children to play with.
I would not say anything and keep going as you are. You seem to be having great times together. As you're both colleagues, if you step over the line, and it isnt wanted, then it might get very awkward.
Keep going as they are and let things develop naturally. I would give her the oppertunity to make a move or say something, but Id let her make the first move.
I couldn't date a smoker, not in a million years. I don't see that as seeking perfection!
OP, how much does she drink? Does she match you drink for drink or does she often have a soft drink? There may well be a reason she doesn't like a lot of drinking; she might have had a boyfriend who was a drinker who caused her a lot of problems, or it might bring back memories of her dad being aggressive, etc.
As for getting fit, why don't you see this as an incentive? Join a gym or a running club and tell her how you're getting on with it.
It does sound like a good relationship but she's actually stated that these things you do would stop her wanting a relationship with you. Either listen and take it on board and do something about it or ignore what she's saying and carry on admiring her from afar.
On the one hand, you could give up smoking, drink only at the weekends, go to the gym, & see what happens...
On the other, should you have to? If that's what you like doing, then wouldn't it be more sensible to find a woman who's cool with that? It's not just a question of changing habits in the short term, you actually have to change them for good, & that's hard work.
I certainly don't think wanting a non-smoker who doesn't drink 2 pints a night is seeking perfection! Those are basic requirements afaic.
I think you should just be honest and open. It may not be great from a work perspective if she's not interested but, on the flip side, what if she's the love of your life and she's just waiting to be asked. You've got to take risks to enjoy rewards! Good luck!
(a) say nothing carry on as normal. Something suggests to me that she would take the initiative if she wanted to get to know you better.
It can be incredibly awkward if a colleague you get along with suddenly asks you out or tells you they fancy you if you never thought of them that way.
If it's reciprocated that's different but can be problematic at work.
PS I am not unsympathetic, I met my now DH in the office "When you (both) know, you know".
If I was sat with a bloke and said that I would prefer a bloke who didn't smoke, drink 2 pints a night and was fitter, that would be my way of trying to let him know that I wasn't interested in taking it further, it would not be my way of telling him that I was interested in him if he made these changes. Also the ring thing, if I was interested I would respond, maybe with a jokey comment but still in a positive flirty way to let him know I was keen. Just because I didn't jump in and tell him no way would we be getting rings would not mean I was interested. Something also tells me she likes it the way it is between you. I bet you are great company and you go shopping and have meals with her - I have a male friend like that but I don't want to date him or take it any further.
You don't always have to put your feelings into words. Next time you say goodbye or goodnight, move in for a gentle kiss. You'll soon find out if she's keen or not. Just don't smoke for at least 24 hours before - and not again, for your own sake if not hers.
I have a friend who used to like partying and having a drink. He stopped and became sporty for his wife who never drinks or go out and now he resents her.for being alwsys in her pyjamas and going to bed early. They live in a lovely seaside town and he told me how he would love to sit outsaid a pub on the quay and have no more than a couple of drinks and she doesent want to. He is quite unhappy now.
I agree with posters thst said she should like you how you are. Otherwise you might not be happy down the line.
She's not interested and possibly assumes you are gay/friendship material only
Personally, I think she's already told you that she's not interested in you sexually or romantically. I hunk the comments about your weight an smoking/drinking are her way of saying 'not for me'.
She may be confused because you get on well, and is therefore also giving out confusing messages, but I don't think she would kiss you back if you did try it.
Sorry! I hope I am wrong and you have a long loving smoke-free relationship.
Err don't start changing yourself just for her because it will never end, something else will come up and then something else and a little way down the line you will be unrecognisable and she may still not want you.
You meet someone and you click and they love you for you. You don't meet someone and then click but have to change who you are to be with them.
If she doesn't want you warts and all then leave it.
I think given the amount of time you spend together, if she wanted to be in a couple with you, you would already be in a couple by now.
DON'T move in for the "gentle kiss" just don't. Nothing more stomach clenching than a man swooping in for a kiss when you have given no signal and he has totally mistimed it <<shudder>>
And sorry but I would never find a smoker attractive even if he ticked all other boxes.
Sorry to say but it sounds like she doesn't fancy you and is using the 3 things to let you down gently. Non of those things would matter if she liked you in that way. Not even the smoking and drinking 2 pints a night isn't excessive.
She likes you as a friend, no more - sorry
Agree with posters who have said you deserve someone who likes you warts and all as it were.
Disengage and protect your feelings. Spend less time with her.
scrazy I agree with you saying that she's not interested, but do have to disagree that none of it would matter if she did. No matter how much I found myself liking a smoker it would never go anywhere. It repulses me.
I've met lovely blokes that have been funny and handsome and I have felt a real connection with, right up till I found out they smoked. They taste nasty when you kiss them and there's nothing more likely to diminish desire than that!
I've been a smoker and a non smoker and have kissed both vice versa, it's not a problem tbh. Fag breath isn't permanent and it fades after a few minutes. IME
Think about it, would you tell a woman you like she drinks too much, she should stop smoking and lose a bit of weight.
Sounds like you are in that dreaded 'friend zone' if she's telling you things that you are she doesn't like.
Or she already wants to change you already which means she'll be a nightmare.
Either way don't over think it, RELAX and if its meant to be, it will happen.
You already sound like a puppy dog and no doubt you act that way in front of her, regardless of what you read on here it's not attractive.
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