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How do I tell dh I don't fancy him anymore?

(136 Posts)
Repetitiverobot Sun 04-Aug-13 14:32:03

Well here goes...dh and I have been together for 12 years now and obviously both changed a lot over this time. We've been married 8 years and have 2 dc.
My problem at the moment is I no longer find my dh physically attractive. I'm not expecting him to be the buff 20 something he was when we met but his weight has been creeping up over the years to the point where he just doesn't do it for me anymore.
I really don't want to sound like a cow but I've tried to stay in shape (for him as well as me) I'm slim, I exercise (despite working too) and I'm pretty well toned. I feel really mean, but I sit and watch him eating crisps and choc etc and it just makes me sit there and get angry inside.
I have tried a few times to broach the subject and used his parents health as a point. (Mum very overweight and dad has heart issues!) I know he's not happy with it too and does try every now and then. And does loose a bit, then just puts it on again. He can generally loose weight fairly easily which is annoying. He just says he doesn't drink, smoke so choc etc are his thing.
He's a good guy, works hard and i know has a stressful job. hes also gets quite sensitive, so I can't just say it how it's is, even in a nice way. he takes any slight negative as a big deal. But it's starting to really bother me now. He's a member of a gym and goes now and then, but he always has an excuse not to go. I hate excercise so do it once a week but am more aware of what i eat in between, unlike dh. I've suggested he goes on a weekend, and maybe 1 evening per week. I've not ever stopped him going he just doesn't want to.
I know it's sounding like I'm moaning but I don't know what to do. I know he doesn't like it either as he mentions it when putting on clothes, that his belly is big.
I'm finding I have no desire towards him sexually despite him wanting to (this causes a lot of rows about frequency etc) but I just don't find him appealing anymore. I have tried to look past it and hope that if we do it more ill get my mojo back but it's not happening.
Not to sound conceited but I'm a fairly ok looking women and do get the odd look now and then, I just wish he'd try and make an effort for me, you know??
Am I being unreasonable? How do I handle this??
On the flip side to add a bit of perspective, if I ask him for an honest opinion on how I look I get it . To the point when I was carrying weight after the kids he'd honestly tell me (if I asked) that my bum was big etc, so he will tell me but CANNOT take the same level of honesty back.

Val007 Sun 04-Aug-13 14:37:24

Show him this!

I know it sounds shallow, but if THIS is what bothers YOU, no matter how many people tell you weight doesn't matter, it will still matter to you. Sad, but true...

Be direct and tell him to stop taking you for granted.

NatashaBee Sun 04-Aug-13 14:40:31

I agree with telling him directly, it probably is the only way. I wouldn't show him this thread, though - not sure it'll exactly do wonders for his self esteem reading about how his wife is telling the whole of Mumsnet she doesn't find him attractive any more.

Missbopeep Sun 04-Aug-13 14:41:29

If he were slim would you fancy him? Or is the whole relationship in the doldrums?

To be honest, and this is just me I know, I'd be totally open and blunt with him.

I know not everyone will agree with this but my take on it is that if you care about someone you do your best to keep yourself in good order. (I'm not saying that ill health and old age ailments are something we can always avoid, and that's something different.)

Whether you play the health card- and it's certainly valid and serious considering his family history- or the sex card, or both, is your call, but I don't see the point in trying to sugar -coat this- say how you feel.

HarlotOTara Sun 04-Aug-13 14:42:29

What would be the response f it was a man saying this about a woman?

Missbopeep Sun 04-Aug-13 14:46:04

I'd hope it would be the same. It's not gender specific surely is it- the dangers of obesity ?

HRHMargeSimpsonOfCornwall Sun 04-Aug-13 14:46:39

You'll probably be murdered for this but I hear you. I have to put effort into not putting on weight. exercise and not over eating. I would hate to be doing all that only to look across at a fat husband. sorry, but it is a turn off. No matter much you love him, you'd fancy him more if he weren't fat? and men also want to be fancied I'm sure. He probably knows you love him but I'm sure deep down he wants you to FEEL ATTRACTED to him!
Agree with NOT showing him the thread.

HeatherSprouse Sun 04-Aug-13 14:46:50

You have got to tell him it's the only way It's clear that your not happy x

HRHMargeSimpsonOfCornwall Sun 04-Aug-13 14:49:35

Ok, so after you'd had children he felt comfortable being honest with you telling you you were overweight?! shock

I think you could start off with "remember how honest you were with me after I'd had a baby................" and having a baby is a better excuse, I would have kept my mouth shut if I were him!

Missbopeep Sun 04-Aug-13 14:49:59

If it was something else like bad breath or decaying teeth, would you tell him then?
I can't see it's any different.

Being more constructive, why not do the gym together and have a healthy eating plan for the whole family? Your once a week at the gym is not enough anyway, ( sorry smile so maybe you could go together and mutually support each other?

Repetitiverobot Sun 04-Aug-13 14:54:27

I know I should, but I'm scared he's just going to think I'm being a bitch!
Would I fancy him if he lost weight? I hope so but I don't know. We got together young and I do wonder if we actually have anything in common anymore. An example were meant to be having a day (rare child free) with friends soon and one will have just had a knee op a few days previous. So it scuppers our original day we had planned. So thinking of alternatives I suggested finding a nice country pub, having lunch and then chilling and having a chat in the pub garden. This was rejected as he said he find that boring ?!
I just feel we both want different things you know. He's happy being at home, watching tv, football etc. Which dont get me wrong is ok, but not all the time. Whereas I'm quite social and want to see and talk to people.
We go to bed at different times, as he won't watch 'my crap' I like to watch and he goes to bed later than me. I've suggested he come up with me some night, just to chat even do a crossword (anything!!) but he's not that keen unless he might get lucky.
I'm not blaming him as he's not a bad person just think we've grown apart. Help!!
I do want to salvage this (I think) but I don't know what to do anymore!!

Repetitiverobot Sun 04-Aug-13 15:00:39

Can't gym together for child care reasons, but I'd not ever make him feel bad for going. My 1 session per week is not enough? I do a pretty intensive bootcamp and am generally active most days, so its enough at the moment without being intrusive of the family.
Granted I can do more on the family mealtimes but its hard some nights as he has irregular hours (depending in how busy he is can be home at 5 or 7, never know until about 5pm)
I do love him, am I in love with him? I don't know know, I want to be!

I sometimes wonder how relationships like this would cope if one person had an accident that changed their physical appearance. Relationships are far deeper than looks, if you lose the attraction, fair enough, we're not all going to be stunning in our 80's are we? We lose our looks sooner or later, but losing a connection to someone, is hard to get back but it is possible. But how much do you really want that connection back?

Missbopeep Sun 04-Aug-13 15:10:24

OP- not trying to be critical of you but as you asked........... the recommendation is 5 x 30 mins minimum moderate -intensive exercise a week. 1 session is not enough- it's regularity that counts for the health of your heart.

Sounds as if his belly is just the tip of the iceberg.

You are being a bit of a chicken TBH wondering if he would think you were a bitch. How can being worried about his health be being a bitch?

I think you need 'the talk' - an allocated time when your discuss everything you have said here. Carrying on as you are is not an option.

Missbopeep Sun 04-Aug-13 15:11:51

Pattie- I mentioned this up thread smile

Losing your 'looks' due to illness or accidents, or old age, is a darn sight different from letting yourself go when you are completely able to do something about it. No?

Repetitiverobot Sun 04-Aug-13 15:15:32

I do want it back. And like I said I'm not expecting him to be an Adonis! I just want him to make a bit of effort. And I do worry about his side of the family's health In general. I did tell him last week that he's at the point now that he will go one way or the other. Either lose it and be able to maintain a bit of a healthy lifestyle or let it go and get very overweight!

LoveBeingItsABoy Sun 04-Aug-13 15:16:53

Are you certain it's not more than just not fancying him?

HandMini Sun 04-Aug-13 15:18:08

Hmm. Its easy with weight to point to health issues and say, its ok to push him on this issue because its bad for his health and longevity to be overweight. Ad that's valid.

But there must be other things about him you fancy other than his looks.

How far do you want him to go? If, as he ages, he goes grey, gets wrinkles, liver spots, loose skin, bunions etc, will you not fancy him any more? Will you insist he dies his hair / gets a facelift? There needs to be more to fancying someone than how they look.

sunshineblue1 Sun 04-Aug-13 15:18:09

Hi I approached the whole 'if u wanted to have an affair it will be ok' line

then the whole 'we haven't got the spark line'

peachycatmum Sun 04-Aug-13 15:18:57

Please have a heart to heart with your husband and tell him just how you feel. My husband has just left me for a thinner/younger version. He was dropping hints about my weight for months but never actually told me straight how it was affecting him. As for me now I'm slim and toned after visiting the gym but it's too late for our relationship.

Repetitiverobot Sun 04-Aug-13 15:19:14

Thanks missbopeep. I don't want to come across as its looks or nothing. We have a long history, 2 dc and a ok marriage. I wouldn't leave him if he had an accident etc but its his lack of effort NOW that's off putting.

HandMini Sun 04-Aug-13 15:20:10

MissBo, but how far do you they have to go? Put on an extra few kilos and have a muffin top? Probably not devastating for health, is that ok? Go grey at 40 - do you have to dye it? Have bad teeth - do you have to get them fixed? The idea that where you CAN do something about your appearance then you SHOULD is a slippery slope.

Repetitiverobot Sun 04-Aug-13 15:21:08

I will talk to him, need to pick the right moment. It's actually making me cry writing this though as I do feel shallow.

Twinklestein France Sun 04-Aug-13 15:31:37

We got together young and I do wonder if we actually have anything in common anymore.

I think this goes far deeper than his putting on weight. I don't think it's that that's made you not fancy him, it's the fact of having little in common. The weight thing is just the focus of all your irritation.

If a man came on here saying he'd stopped fancying his wife when she put on weight after childbirth, & should he tell her straight, he'd be flamed.

I've read comments here by women who have put on weight & don't feel attractive, but their partner still fancies them.

And if my H put on weight I'd still find him attractive, he'd just be in less good shape.

So I would be truly honest: which is actually that you think you've grown apart, want different things, and you're not really feeling it any more.

Missbopeep Sun 04-Aug-13 15:56:34

But Hand it's really a case of being reasonable isn't it?
If just for example someone started going grey at 35 or 40 and they thought about dyeing their hair, they might ask their partner which they preferred?
Re. teeth- ditto! My Dh has had quite a lot of work done on his teeth and although he was thinking about it, I did encourage him as he looks lots better with a couple of veneers over 2 discoloured teeth.

There's a big difference between completely letting yourself go and being affected by normal ageing.

But whichever, I think we have a responsibility to keep ourselves looking as good as we can- both for ourselves and for our partners- without being silly and obsessive over the odd kilo here and there.

HandMini Sun 04-Aug-13 16:04:41

I think we have a responsibility to keep ourselves looking as good as we can- both for ourselves and for our partners - what does this mean? Its rubbish.

Should I get highlights instead of leaving my hair brown? Should I have blow dried my hair today? Should I have put make up on, when I know I look better with it but couldnt be bothered because its hot and I've been at the beach.

People should look how they want to look, and do as much highlighting/tanning/slimming/shaving as they want to, not dictated by their partner. Or anyone else. Or any society ideals.

slipperySlip000 Sun 04-Aug-13 17:12:30

Yeah I kind of agree with Hand ^

I think it's the mis-match in values: one thinks it's important to stay in shape. The other couldn't give a monkeys.

Hard to get past, that one. I think it runs a bit deeper than the belly.

Missbopeep Sun 04-Aug-13 17:20:54

To an extent Hand I take your point. I don't think anyone should feel they should be bullied into looking like someone's fantasy woman/man.

BUT on the other hand I wonder what your opinion is of the OP's DH? If he knows his weight is an issue and a turn off for the OP, does it not show a lack of respect, love and concern for her and their relationship?

There is a difference in my mind between letting yourself go, or being no oil painting in the first place and when your partner was happy with you when you first met- warts and all.

deepfriedsage Sun 04-Aug-13 17:21:34

I think your DH needs a physical checkup, he sounds physically tired, he may be eating extra for energy to get through the day.

Irishchic Sun 04-Aug-13 19:28:35

OP you are not being shallow or wrong here. I totally get where you are coming from. My dh is exactly the same, except he also drinks too much beer and this obviously sits on his belly.

And to those who say what about ageing wrinkles etc Well there is nothing we can do about ageing, but their is something we can do about keeping ourselves fit and at a healthy weight. And actually when i am out walking most days i am passed by an man in his seventies out running, he is fit, trim, has plenty of wrinkles and still looks old, but looks old yet fit this is actually possible. I find this man bloody attractive if i am honest. He smiles and says hello as he passes and he is by any standards a very attractive man, depsite his years, and probably because he looks after himself and is so fit.

Alconleigh Sun 04-Aug-13 20:30:15

I understand OP, it feels like your opinion doesn't matter, and you're not worth making the effort for. I also agree it is probably a deeper issue though. I used to seethe with rage inside at how my ex had piled on weight yet made no effort to lose it, ate utter rubbish, had no understanding of nutrition, hardly exercised etc etc. The issue was actually that I didn't love him though. And I realised that my disproportionate anger over his weight demonstrated that.

fengirl1 Sun 04-Aug-13 20:38:25

Beneath all of what you've written, I'm wondering if you feel he only 'makes an effort' if he wants sex? This in itself can be a real turn off.

dontputaringonit Sun 04-Aug-13 20:40:20

There was a thread a whole ago where op's husband had said he didn't fancy her anymore but loved her. OP's DH went to the gym and tried to encourage her to join in and eat healthily. 90% of comments were 'LTB'.

So I suggest you leave him so he doesn't have to

Whatever you do don't tell him you don't fancy him. A bit of him will die inside.

deepfriedsage Sun 04-Aug-13 20:46:35

I agree with dontput, leave him and don't tell him its over his weight.

With a bit of luck he will get a health checkup and find out his thyroid isn't working or sleep apnea are the issue, get them sorted, loose the weight. I hope he finds someone who loves him for who he is.

trickydickie Mon 05-Aug-13 00:11:10

repetitiverobot- I feel exactly the same feelings as you have expressed in your posts.

Funnily enough, we married young too. He piled the weight on within a couple of years of marriage. He is now 5 and a half stone over weight, so well into the obese category. I weigh 9 stone 3lb and he is nearly 18 stone.

We have been married 22 years. Sometimes I get angry at his complete disinterest he has in taking care of himself. He too moans the he doesn't have sex often enough with me.

He snores all night keeping me bloody awake.

Sometimes I am fine and his weight issue doesn't bother me as he is aware of health issues etc. and me talking to him won't make him take care of himself.

Like your Dh mine doesn't drink alcohol but eats tons of crap.

I don't have much to add but wanted you to know I share your pain and don't think you are selfish at all but only human for feeling as you do about your husband's weight.

MrsMongoose Mon 05-Aug-13 04:19:41

Agreeing with the above posters. Are you sure this is just not fancying him, and not something more? Not liking his personality for example?

In the time I have known DH, he has gone from rugby player to morbidly obese and I still fancy him. If I was shown his body in a line up of random men, to be honest I'd run a mile, but because that body is my DHs, and all his lovely traits are wrapped up inside it, I still love his body. His sense of humour, the way he makes me feel, that flutter I get in my tummy when we flirt keeps me shagging him, despite the almighty gut that squashes me when he's on top.

My tactic is to encourage a healthy lifestyle together, and laugh about it as we go along. It's actually quite comforting knowing that humour will get us through!

Teenage me would be horrified that I fancy a fat bloke this much!

ChippingInHopHopHop Mon 05-Aug-13 04:29:32

You are crying because you feel shallow hmm... I hate to break it to you, but you are shallow, about as shallow as a puddle. I agree you should leave him, let him find someone with a bit of depth.

ChippingInHopHopHop Mon 05-Aug-13 04:30:42

MrsMongoose - exactly you love him for who he is, you find HIM attractive... which is as it should be.

Lazyjaney Mon 05-Aug-13 07:34:57

There was a reversed thread on this on here a few weeks ago, iirc the advice there was that the woman should leave her bastard husband for daring to suggest she lose weight, and poster after poster testified as to how her DH still loved her no matter how much weight she had put on etc etc.

I am continually amazed that "leave the bastard" is the default solution, no matter what the problem smile

JessicaBeatriceFletcher Mon 05-Aug-13 08:45:17

LazyJaney - oddly enough, was about the say the same thing. There have been umpteen threads in the past where a woman has come on here or AIBU over the years to say her man has said - sometimes in a reasonably nice way and sometimes not - that they no longer find them so sexual attractive/fanciable because they have gained a lot of weight.

The almost unanimous chorus is "HOW DARE HE? You are the mother of his children, he should love you no matter how you look! What a fucking twat"

Having said that, I think there is more than that at play here.

LEMisdisappointed Mon 05-Aug-13 08:49:13

See, i love my partner for who he is, not what he looks like, yeah, hes put on weight, so have i, we both need to lose it. But to not fancy him anymore - well, it would be a bit shallow wouldn't it.

LEMisdisappointed Mon 05-Aug-13 08:51:00

Lazyjaney - i totally agree with you, i was even told to ditch my partner because of some issues i was having with a female friend hmm His fault apparently because he treated me so hideously, which he doesn't, but someone felt it was ok to come onto a thread of mine and say this because a few years ago we had our problems.

Missbopeep Mon 05-Aug-13 09:00:44

I think some of the posts here slagging off the OP are a little 'blinded'.

Surely when we meet our partner, one of the things that attracts us is their appearance? They don't have to be eg. George Clooney [ insert your own choice here] but there does have to be some chemistry and sexual oomph.

It's rather naive imo to think that if their appearance changes beyond all recognition ( when it is something they can control- NOT talking about general ageing process or disability) that the attraction we feel might not change too.

You can still love someone in a friendly and platonic way but the feelings of being sexually attracted can change.

It's a bit pious and unrealistic to suggest otherwise.

And I'd say the same applies to both genders. I really don't know why people think it's fine once you are married or in a partnership to let your weight balloon, or stop caring about your appearance, and expect your partner to still feel the same about you.

If you care about your partner, then you surely want to try to maintain some kind of sexual attraction and be the person you were when you first met?

Wine0clock Mon 05-Aug-13 09:06:37

yeh, give her a BREAK! agree with missbopeep. It is pious and so naïve to think that 'love' is all about LOVE and nothing to do with lust. Also, you don't have to sleep with her fat husband do you?

I don't think the OP is shallow. And if she's crying it's out of guilt that she can't fancy an apathetic overweight man, although she wants to.

I think his personality is fat too. That could be more key to OP's tears really. He's sitting on the sofa declaring x, y and z boring whilst making no plans himself and eating pringles and watching tv. So it's not JUST the extra pounds. There's a sort of fatness permeating him now at this stage.

Upnotdown Mon 05-Aug-13 09:25:31

You don't tell him.

You'll make him feel like shit because he doesn't look like the poster boy you met. Find a kinder reason.

Then go and find someone new who you do fancy, throw away your relationship again when Mr. Sexyfornow starts missing the spot and start the whole process again with someone else.

One day though, it will be you punching above your weight. And I hope the guy you're with at that time has more about him than to dump you for it, because that would be just horrible, no?

I can't think of anything more hurtful than your partner not wanting you because you don't look pretty/handsome/buff enough (for them). That's not my definition of 'love' in the first place. Each to their own though.

peteypiranha Mon 05-Aug-13 09:29:49

I think you should tell him. I dont find excess weight at all attractive, especially as they will probably have less energy, be unhealthier and you want be able to have as energetic sex. I dont think there is anything wrong with thinking like this, and I think most people dont want their partners to let themselves go or put in no effort.

Branleuse Mon 05-Aug-13 09:40:16

Tell him hes becoming a fat bastard and needs to get off his arse more and stop eating all the pies, because it doesnt suit him, and that you remember very well him telling you you were fat before, and hes a lot fatter now.

Branleuse Mon 05-Aug-13 09:40:35

if necessary, you could follow it up with "no offence like"

Missbopeep Mon 05-Aug-13 09:43:15

Upnotdown- do you believe in sexual attraction as part of a relationship- or not? Do you believe sexual attraction is 'fixed'?

I think the whole issue should be turned around- the questions should be asked of HIM! WHY has he allowed himself to become a fat slob? Does he not feel any responsibility at all to keep himself in shape and be an attractive person to be with instead of a lazy TV-watching sloth? What exactly is HE offering and bringing to the relationship? Bugger all from what's been posted here.

peteypiranha Mon 05-Aug-13 09:53:25

If he was the kind of man that carried about himself before then telling him gently will hopefully help him realise what he is doing to himself.

peteypiranha Mon 05-Aug-13 09:53:36

*cared

Upnotdown Mon 05-Aug-13 09:54:37

I believe sexual attraction comes from things other than just physical appearance. For me, sexual attraction is not fixed on one particular thing - it's a mixture of things about the person you're with.

My DP has changed since we met and so have I. It's not a problem. Maybe we're in the minority though - as I said, each to their own. But I do believe that love/attraction is built on stronger stuff than appearance.

What I coud understand, is if the OP said her partners laziness is turning her off. Not fatness.

larrygrylls Mon 05-Aug-13 09:56:14

MissBoPeep,

I tend to agree with you. I think that being overly demanding about a stone or a stone and a half is wrong but, on the other hand, if someone completely changes from the person that you married and shows no inclination to do something about it, it is a different story.

I do think weight is something one can take responsibility for and, if anything, it is easier for a man than for a woman, as one of the problems for women is if they eat socially with their husband and eat the same amount, in general it will be the woman who ends up with a weight problem. A man has to actively "try" to put on weight by snacking etc.

I think the approach is to try to help someone to deal with their problem in a kind way by helping them join a gym, maybe go for long walks together, cook healthily etc.

purits Mon 05-Aug-13 10:14:52

Can you use the DC?

If they make comments about his weight, is it less personal.
Can you mention to him that he is setting a bad life example for them.
Can you do some family exercise-in-disguise: walking, biking, kick-about.

Lazyjaney Mon 05-Aug-13 10:16:43

I think the whole issue should be turned around- the questions should be asked of HIM! WHY has he allowed himself to become a fat slob? Does he not feel any responsibility at all to keep himself in shape and be an attractive person to be with instead of a lazy TV-watching sloth? What exactly is HE offering and bringing to the relationship? Bugger all from what's been posted here

I await with eager anticipation this argument being brought out the next time some woman posts about her DH/DP saying she is too chubby. The bunfight would be marvellous to behold.

Oddly enough, I don't think it will be grin

JessicaBeatriceFletcher Mon 05-Aug-13 10:27:27

purist - sorry, are you really suggesting trying to bring the kids into this and get them to say things to their dad? I don't think that is on at all.

Janey - you're so right.

piratecat Mon 05-Aug-13 10:28:52

grin Branleuse

op i think the poster who mentioned the fat personality was spot on.

its more about being bothered with stuff. he sounds tired and without direction. i would have a big chat about your lives. x

Irishchic Mon 05-Aug-13 10:32:09

Agree with MssBopeep - the op LOVES her dh, she just isnt attracted to him, and it is hard to have sex with someone you are not physically attracted to.

CoffeeandScones Mon 05-Aug-13 10:37:12

*Lazyjaney" it's a reasonable 'devil's advocate' point to ask (I wouldn't have dared smile )

Ultimately you want to be with someone for your own reasons. Some people see physical appearance as super-important, others not at all, and others inbetween. Same with lots of attributes (ambition, romanticism, etc)

As long as the OP is honest with herself, she can make decisions she can live with for the rest of her life. If you foresee a life wasted with the person you're with, for whatever reason, then change things. Either about them, or you, or who "them" is.

Upnotdown Mon 05-Aug-13 10:40:01

Then the OPs 'love' is very different to my 'love'.

What if he had an accident that caused physical scarring? How would that be different in terms of being physically attractive enough?

Is it the fatness or the laziness that the OP finds unattractive?

If it's solely down to appearance, this is not painting a very good picture of the OP/subscribers to this POV.

DH put on quite a bit of weight. I still fancied him. However, I did fancy less his lack of confidence, his moaning about his weight while not doing anything about it and his eating too much. It is not shallow to find deliberately harming yourself unattractive. I don't think the op is talking about appearances here - the appearance is the consequence of the change in personality. So its not the same as an accident or aging.

I feel v. lucky that DH took control of the situation himself and turned it around because he wanted to be healthy for the kids and he wanted to feel confident again.

Just be encouraging, loving and supportive, I guess and hopefully, he'll want to do it for himself.

PlotTwist Mon 05-Aug-13 11:32:17

I think his personality is fat too. That could be more key to OP's tears really. He's sitting on the sofa declaring x, y and z boring whilst making no plans himself and eating pringles and watching tv. So it's not JUST the extra pounds. There's a sort of fatness permeating him now at this stage.

This.^^

I split from my husband a couple of years ago, for many reasons. Not his weight, though tbh, both of us had put it on, he was always going to turn into his dad, you could see that even when he was slim, and me, well, if stress caused me to lose weight I'd be a supermodel but I always had the opposite. Not to mention two more pregnancies. I told him that I didn't fancy him anymore but that was probably more a symptom. In the last couple of years I've lost two stone, not slim by any means, but slimmer. We get on really well still and people ask me why we don't get back together. And I considered it, I could do a whole whole lot worse. Except for this. The fat personality.

I struggle with being social, yet it does me no good to not be social, so I force myself and have built up a social network. He on the other hand, has his rut and he likes it. Looking back, this personality imbalance was probably a major root of our disconnection and eventual split.

I think you have to look at whether it is actually just his belly or his entire mindset that's bothering you. If he lost the weight but continued with the fat personality, would it be enough?

Redlocks30 Mon 05-Aug-13 11:41:52

My DH has put on a lot of weight since we first met. Then, he was slim, now he is obese. Had he been obese when we met, I wouldn't have fancied him and would never have gone out with him; does that make me shallow?

Now, I love him and he is the father of my children but he is obese and that is not attractive. His stomach means sex is not satisfying and if he's on top, I can barely breathe. I also find it lazy and disrespectful to me that I have had three children and weight the same as when we met (9 stone, size 12) and he just eats and says he has no will power; like it's his will power that's to blame, not him.

If you are shallow, OP, then I guess I am too. Are our DHs being unfair to us, though?

MrsMelons Mon 05-Aug-13 12:33:35

I don't think it is shallow TBH as you really can't help how you feel or what you may or may not find attractive.

My DH is probably 1.5 stone heavier than when we met, his belly is where most of the weight sits so makes him look more overweight than he is, if he goes to half a stone/stone heavier than he is now the weight goes on his face and if I am honest he does not look like my DH anymore (he was 2.5 stone heavier but has recently lost a stone).

I didn't stop fancying him but started to feel like I make an effort to keep fit and eat well etc but he didn't care, I think it affected him a lot as we had less sex and he was very down on himself. Now he has lost a stone he looks much better and is happier, I fancy him more (even though I never stopped completely) but it does worry me if he becomes obese how I will feel.

My XH was fit and toned all the way through our marriage but by the end I did not fancy him at all, he was a horrible person and just him breathing turned me off! I can't imagine ever feeling that way about DH but in a situation as described by Redlocks I wonder how I would feel.

MrsMelons Mon 05-Aug-13 12:39:12

Thisis I really think you have hit the nail on the head there, when DH is out running even before he lost any pounds I found I was more attracted to the 'get up and go' version of him. I found the unhappy, less confident man less attractive I guess, I just hadn't really thought of it in that way. I am the sort of person to just get on with things so I guess I couldn't really see what was going on.

Missbopeep Mon 05-Aug-13 12:55:35

Redlocks If you are shallow, OP, then I guess I am too.Are our DHs being unfair to us, though?

Yes they are.

Missbopeep Mon 05-Aug-13 12:58:24

Upnotdown- I are avoiding reading posts carefully- or can't you understand what is written?

Because in all of my posts I have been very careful to exclude things such as natural ageing ( which doesn't have to include weight gain and being unfit) as well as injury through disability.

That's totally different because it's outside of someone's control.

Can't you just 'get' that? It seems not.

Missbopeep Mon 05-Aug-13 13:01:33

Are You avoiding reading posts carefully....

Irishchic Mon 05-Aug-13 13:05:53

Oh my god these last few post resonate so strongly with me, esp the comment about finding your dh more attractive when he started running, even before he lost weight because it was the get up and go factor kicking in.

I look at my dh sitting on the sofa on a beautiful summers eveing, munching crisps and chocolate bars, or going out and having 9 pints and looking paunchy and red eyed the next day, and i find that who self indulgent lazy sloth like inactivity and glutton such an incredible turn off.

Guess i am a shallow person too then.

Irishchic Mon 05-Aug-13 13:06:43

gluttony i mean

Missbopeep Mon 05-Aug-13 13:25:28

The thing is- it's totally selfish ( of the men) Not only from a health point of view ( diabetes and coronary hello), but shows a total lack of regard for their wives' feelings.

Maybe I'm in a minority but I try hard to stay in shape and take a lot of care of my appearance. I do it for me- that's how I am and was before I was married- but at the same time I'd feel I was letting my DH down if I turned into a fat, unfit and unattractive woman.

He'd still love me, but I am sure if he was totally honest there would be conflicting emotions - loving me on the one hand, but disappointed that I'd changed drastically from the person he was first attracted to - and would quite likely not be attracted to if we were meeting for the first time.

Upnotdown Mon 05-Aug-13 13:29:06

MissBoPeep - maybe I'm not making my point very clearly - I understand just fine.

My point is, if you can't control the fact that the attractiveness of your partner comes from their physical appearance, how do you then discriminate between age, weight, hair loss etc.

I don't need an answer or an insulting response, I was just trying to understand how this mindset works. But it doesn't matter - it's about the OP, who appears to have the majority behind her. It's my outlook that seems to be strange - not a big deal.

Beer0Clock Mon 05-Aug-13 13:35:44

yes, Irishchic, I know what you mean. My x was not overweight before I left him, good genes that's all, but sitting on the sofa watching sport (always watching) with the remote control in one hand, the tv guide circled, beers lined up in the fridge..... snacks in front of him, I used to go out running and he'd sigh because the children would get in the way of the tv and that made him grumpy. I cooked healthy dinners but they weren't filling enough. I made salmon with a cherry tomato salsa, and he stuffed the lot into a white hot dog roll and wandered off wth it to the sofa. If he'd even pretended to enjoy what was on the plate and then waited to see if he was so hungry he needed a white roll twenty minutes after eating, that would have been slightly less unattractive! Anyway, he's put on a bit since I left him.

I know someone whose DH said this to her recently. She was devastated. I think her DH is an utter dick. If he loves her then surely that is made up of more than just appearances. OP, do you actually love your DH? Does not fancying him right now ruin your love for him? What about in 20 or 30 or 40 years when you will both look totally different? Will you fancy him when he's grey and wrinkly? You sound very shallow to me.

Missbopeep Mon 05-Aug-13 13:43:05

Upnotdown you are still missing the point.

I think most people have made it crystal clear that some things such as age, hair loss etc are outside of a person's control. We accept natural ageing.

The other point you are missing is that attraction is usually a mixture of personality and appearance. And by appearance I don't mean classically good looks, or whatever.

You are taking a very black and white and simplistic view - seems you think me and other people are saying if someone ages or changes in some way, then that's it.

But that is not what anyone is saying- its more about the person adopting a lifestyle which is selfish, harmful to their health, and changes who they are- and weight is one factor.

Dahlen Mon 05-Aug-13 13:50:04

People are attracted to whatever they're attracted to. Let's face it, if we wanted sex with people based on what they were like on the inside, all the extremely attractive but horrible people out there wouldn't be the ones getting more sex than the lovely but unattractive ones, and yet...

Fortunately, there is enough variation in people's individual likes and dislikes that most of us are attractive to someone, and often a someone who we are attracted to in return, which is great. But for most people sexual attraction is based largely on physical appearance and that's what separates a sexual relationship from a friendship.

I don't think anyone should be ashamed of saying what they find attractive and what they don't find attractive. It's how you say it and how you treat people that matter.

If my DP became overweight to the extent where I found him sexually unattractive (so more than a couple of stone then), I would first worry about him. Like me, he takes physical fitness very seriously and he wouldn't be the person I knew and fell in love with to suddenly adopt such a different lifestyle. I would want to rule out any underlying reason, either medical or psychological. Having done that, I would encourage him to take more control of his fitness and health - maintaining a sensible weight tends to come as a natural side-effect. If that still failed and I found myself stuck with a couch potato, I would call it off - all those things that defined our relationship would be non-existent if he was a couch-potato. If he had a reason for the change, that would be different, but if there is no reason then he would basically have made a choice that this was the lifestyle he wanted - a different one to the one we originally agreed on. That's no different from any other relationship-changing decision, such as one person suddenly deciding they want children when the original agreement was that neither did.

At no point would I be as crass or spiteful enough to say "I don't fancy you anymore because your fat". Becoming overweight is the symptom rather than the cause of what went wrong.

tittytittyhanghang Mon 05-Aug-13 14:01:02

Just to second the other thoughts who think this absolutely points out the double standards on mn. God if a man had written this he would be flamed to hell and back by now.

For what its worth op, I think if you have tried everything else, then being blunt with him might just work. Or make him feel even shittier than he already is. Its a tricky one. But I dont think you are shallow for feeling the way you feel. I think i would probably feel the same myself.

Dahlen Mon 05-Aug-13 14:06:58

I don't think it IS that much of a double standard TBH. In most cases a woman's body has changed as a direct consequence of having children. Even if she loses any pregnancy weight she may still have a changed shape and stretch-marks.

Furthermore, women remain overwhelmingly the ones with primary responsibility for the children, meaning that very often they have less opportunity than their male partners to take up activities that can actively help them to keep their weight down.

Irishchic Mon 05-Aug-13 14:30:25

You can still love your dh but not be attracted to him physically. I have sex with my dh even though i dont find him attractive, but i do it because i love him and i know he needs it. You cannot help it if you find a fat belly and a self indulgent glutonous type lifestyle unattractive.

My dh comes home from work and opens the choc biscuits to chow a few down even as i am plating up, cos he cannot even wait that long and save his appetite for a lovely meal which i have cooked for him.

Irishchic Mon 05-Aug-13 14:31:17

mind you we are not having any sex this last 5 or 6 weeks because of other issues more serious than his weight gain, but i have another thread going on that one. sad

peteypiranha Mon 05-Aug-13 14:35:54

I think its the same for a man or a woman regardless of the number of children they have. That is still no excuse for being lazy and putting on excess weight imo. There is no double standard to me.

Missbopeep Mon 05-Aug-13 17:27:10

It's a bit daft to blame women being busy with children as a reason for women not taking care of their bodies or having time to exercise. Everyone, just everyone, can find 30 mins 5 x a week to do some exercise if they want to- even a quick walk round the block once the kids are in bed.

And no one forces food down anyone's throats- men or women!

Dahlen Mon 05-Aug-13 17:42:07

Missbopeep - in a healthy relationship I'd agree with you 100%. You only have to look around you to see far too many relationships where mum quite literally does not have any child-free time to go for a walk sans DC, let alone attend a gym or do anything with enough regularity for it to make a difference. Even though dad is off having his boys' own nights, playing on his Xbox, off with the golfing buddies, etc. Of course, the solution there is probably to lose the deadweight DH and amusingly you often see women who have done just that lose physical weight afterwards as well.

I agree that if you want to exercise, you will make time for it against other leisure activities. But if the choice is exercise regularly v making DCs packed lunches/other task, it's less simple. I know loads of parents (mainly mums) who quite literally don't finish doing stuff until 10pm at night. OK, I suppose they could go for a run then, but they're not superwoman, and if they're up at 6am the next day... and sometimes that can be the case even if the DH is a good sort who does his fair share. People working full time with long commutes can often be in this situation.

Food is a separate matter and much more complicated. If it really was as simple as eat less, don't you think more people would do that? The relationship people have with food is very complicated. It is lazy thinking to say it's just greed.

I've never had a weight problem and have run for years. Part of it is discipline, but another part is the fact that I don't sleep much and I've been a single parent for years. If I had a live-in partner and needed 8 hours sleep a night, something would have to give.

mrsravelstein Mon 05-Aug-13 17:57:26

i love my husband but i doubt i'd fancy him if he put on a lot of weight

similarly, since he likes skinny women, i doubt he'd fancy me if i put on a lot of weight

really surprising reading all the comments above which say differently.

Lizzabadger Mon 05-Aug-13 18:03:06

I agree with others who say it's the behaviours he's displaying (laziness, lack of self-control, lack of consideration for you) that may be putting you off rather than his physical appearance.

If he went on a diet and started exercising would you find him more attractive, even before he looked significantly different (like one of the previous posters)?

Lazyjaney Mon 05-Aug-13 19:56:06

Just to second the other thoughts who think this absolutely points out the double standards on mn. God if a man had written this he would be flamed to hell and back by now

I am bookmarking this thread to quote from for the next "DH said I was too fat, the bastard" thread, with luck I can even get the same posters saying the complete opposite then grin

Mumblepot26 Mon 05-Aug-13 20:42:19

Op, please don't feel shallow, I could have written your post. My husband is exactly the same. I have been brave enough to mention it several times over the years, but although he initially reacted well, and lost weight, he always piles it back on. I actually have no idea what to do anymore......I fear that I will soon stop caring, and our relationship will be beyond saving. Sorry not be more positive, just wanted you to know you are not alone

deepfriedsage Mon 05-Aug-13 21:16:31

Has anyone got the emotional intelligence to work out what makes someone overeat or not exercise? Sadly it seems not.

MrsMelons Mon 05-Aug-13 21:31:54

Well I can guarantee I will not be one of those posters, I absolutely disagree with nasty comments etc about someones weight but being worried about someones health or feeling something that is out of your control is totally different.

My DH was struggling with depression which led to the overeating and lack of exercise, he felt worse as a result. It is pretty common I would imagine.

KittyVonCatsworth Mon 05-Aug-13 22:01:07

I had a very odd dream the other night where I dreamt my DP had turned into a 20st slob. Told him about it the next morning and he's asked me if I'd still love him, I said yes I would, I just wouldn't fancy him much. Just like he wouldn't fancy me much if I'd put on 4st.

There's more to a person than looks, yes, but to 'give up' or not face the root of the problem shows a lack of care and a degree of complacency / lack of respect for the other. These are issues within the control of a person. Complacency is the biggest killer of relationships. We've written it into our vows that we will never take one another for granted.

OP, you're not shallow - I would find it hard to live in a sexless marriage, and if I didn't fancy my DP, that's what it would essentially be due to a lack of respect for him.

Darkesteyes Mon 05-Aug-13 22:02:56

Furthermore, women remain overwhelmingly the ones with primary responsibility for the children, meaning that very often they have less opportunity than their male partners to take up activities that can actively help them to keep their weight down.

THIS. And in a lot of cases their partners are unwilling to do their fair share of the childcare so that they can get out and excersise.

Twinklestein France Mon 05-Aug-13 22:42:33

Furthermore, women remain overwhelmingly the ones with primary responsibility for the children, meaning that very often they have less opportunity than their male partners to take up activities that can actively help them to keep their weight down.

Hmmm... & being the main breadwinner, as even in 2013, the majority of male partners are, slaving away all day at work provide for the family, coming home too exhausted to exercise is different? SAHM mothers & women combining part time work with childcare have very active lives. There's no reason why they can't lose weight.

If you eat less & move around more you will lose weight. That applies as much to women as it does to men. The claim that somehow mothers are different is balls.

So, if you would consider a man who dumps his wife for being fat, a bastard, then the same is true of women.

However I don't think this is the case here, his weight is just the icing on the cake.

neveronsunday Mon 05-Aug-13 22:52:50

You can't help how you feel.

However, I would be gutted if my partner said these things about me.

I've put on weight since having children, so has my husband.

We both have less time, more stress etc which has caused it to creep on.

You may have felt it important to keep in shape but he hasn't. Why is that? Is it really that important?

Talk to him about other areas of his life and whether he has lost motivation, enthusiasm etc.

DH & I have both been encouraged to get fitter so we can keep up with the kids (bike rides etc).

Are there things you can do as a family/couple rather than packing him off to the gym?

Darkesteyes Mon 05-Aug-13 23:50:21

Twinkle more and more women/mothers are working full time. Because they cant afford not to.
Not all mums work part time. You are talking in stereotypes. My mum worked full time in the 80s 90s and 2000s

Twinklestein France Tue 06-Aug-13 00:00:25

Darkesteyes - you're talking in stereotypes of mothers who can't lose weight!

I intentionally omitted mothers working full time, because exactly the same argument is to be made for their being too exhausted at the end of a working day to exercise, as I made for fathers.

That argument applies to men and women.

But there's still no reason not to be able to lose weight. If a woman is working that hard she's doing a lot of physical activity, and really, if she wants to lose weight she needs to eat less.

Darkesteyes Tue 06-Aug-13 00:19:04

I didnt say mothers cant lose weight i said this which was a copy and paste from dahlen

DarkesteyesMon 05-Aug-13 22:02:56

Furthermore, women remain overwhelmingly the ones with primary responsibility for the children, meaning that very often they have less opportunity than their male partners to take up activities that can actively help them to keep their weight down.

peteypiranha Tue 06-Aug-13 06:53:06

You can keep your weight down even if you are with your children 100% of the time by eating healthy, small portions, walking everywhere, and doing lots of active activities with your children.

In the evening there are dvds, wii fit etc type activities that you can do without leaving the house, if you are not overweight you will have the energy to look after children, work full time and exercise. That is why its so important you have so much energy as the more exercise you do, the better a person feels and looks.

Dahlen Tue 06-Aug-13 08:03:27

Women and men are biologically different. Women have evolved to carry a higher body fat percentage and to store weight because it infers an evolutionary advantage when it come to reproduction. That only counts for a few pounds though, not several excess stone. But men and women are not the same physically.

Neither is their cultural existence the same. Study after study after study keeps on revealing that women still perform 80% of domestic chores and childcare despite the fact that more and more of them are not only working full time but are actually the main breadwinners. There are too many relationships in which full-time-working dad gets to stop off at the gym on the way to work because mum will do the school run, goes off golfing on the weekend, while mum takes the DC to ballet, etc. We might live in 2013 but it's not yet the age of equality. That might be un PC to say, but it's a fact. Possibly an excuse, granted, because if that were me I'd ditch the DH who took me for granted in that way before I ditched my running schedule, but is that a realistic or even a desirable outcome?

Furthermore, the playing field is not even. It is culturally more acceptable for men to gain weight than it is for women. Men are in no way judged on their appearance and sexual desirability as women are. Again, this is something that is changing, but it still affects women far more than it does men.

I'm being a bit naughty on this thread and playing devil's advocate TBH. In my first post, I said quite clearly that I understand the OP. Fitness and health are important to me and I can't imagine having a relationship with someone who was a couch-potato stuffing their face full of chocolate any evening. However, just because the OP has every right to feel as she does and indeed to leave because of it if she wants to, does NOT make a man leaving his wife because she gained 2 stone while pregnant and is left with all the childcare and can't get to the gym to lose it the same as a woman leaving a man who has simply given up on making the effort for his wife. It just doesn't.

neveronsunday Tue 06-Aug-13 08:12:28

I shall continue to stick up for the men here (very unlike me) & ask what his lifestyle has been like in the past.

All through our 20s, DH ate what he liked, we went to the pub several times a week, he smoked and didn't do a scrap of exercise. However we lived in London so I suppose we did walk a fair bit.

We moved out of the city, used out car much more, DH gave up smoking and we replaced going out to theatre & dinner with cooking & movies on sofa.

DH gained about 2 stone.

Now I'm very pleased he have up smoking.

My point is, DH didn't 'give up' or 'stop making an effort', his life changed & his metabolism didn't keep up. If I suddenly demanded he joined a gym & took up football I'd be asking him to be someone he's not. And might not like the person he became.

He did realise he had put on weight, has recently lost quite a bit and started going out on his bike/for a quick run.

However he needed to get their on his own and I would never dreamt of telling him he wasn't good enough.

Missbopeep Tue 06-Aug-13 09:00:03

Dahlen
I'd say that instead of your posts being sympathetic and empathetic towards women you are in fact being patronising.

You imply that women are unable to assert themselves within a relationship in order to find time to look after their health. Or, that as single parents they can't find the time.

This is rubbish really as a 'theory' because although it might account for why women don't exercise it comes down to each woman to sort herself and her life out.

It's all about work-life balance ( and work can include childcare.) It's also about discipline and motivation.

As someone else said, the fact is that most childcare is done by women and most women work part time.

There's no excuse for stuffing your face and not being able to fit in a half hour walk, or some sort of exercise ( even doing exercise to a DVD or skipping in the garden!) IF you really want to.

I don't agree with this-
Furthermore, the playing field is not even. It is culturally more acceptable for men to gain weight than it is for women. Men are in no way judged on their appearance and sexual desirability as women are

Not in my book, it isn't.
A fat man to me equals one who is lazy, can't be bothered to look after himself, and who is not attractive to me in any way.

And I'd say the same about a woman!

LEMisdisappointed Tue 06-Aug-13 09:09:37

Missbopeep - maybe that explains why my "friend" doesn't like me hmm

neveronsunday Tue 06-Aug-13 09:11:01

Do you know the thing that fucks me off about these conversations.

Noone ever starts them because their partner hasn't read a book for 5 years, or has no idea what's going on in the news.

It's an obsession with appearance over all else. So yes, you might see a fat person as lazy etc, I tend to find people prioritising appearance or fitness in a relationship as vain & uninteresting.

Am off to start a campaign to promote 'intellectual fitness'

neveronsunday Tue 06-Aug-13 09:11:56

Lemis I'll be your friend grin

larrygrylls Tue 06-Aug-13 09:41:32

"Noone ever starts them because their partner hasn't read a book for 5 years, or has no idea what's going on in the news.

It's an obsession with appearance over all else. So yes, you might see a fat person as lazy etc, I tend to find people prioritising appearance or fitness in a relationship as vain & uninteresting."

I agree that people are overly obsessed with appearance and it is boring to obsess over every kilo or detail of six pack. However a vital component of "fancying" for most people is appearance. If that changes dramatically, it is reasonable to not fancy someone. And, if someone does put on a lot of weight, it is much harder to be active and fun.

I suspect that few keen readers suddenly stop reading or lose interest in the news. On the other hand, fitness is something that can fluctuate dramatically overly people's lives.

LEMisdisappointed Tue 06-Aug-13 09:48:04

neveronasunday - thanks grin

larry, im a keen reader but often get lazy about it. both my partner and I have put on weight - I still fancy him, not in the phwoooarr i need to get your trousers off now sort of way, but then who does after 20 years? We do however have a good sex life and i often catch myself thinking, ooh, he really is gorgeous.

Dahlen Tue 06-Aug-13 10:06:45

Whenever someone points out that life is different for men and women and they each face different hurdles, they get accused of being patronising towards women. It's a typical silencing tactic and not a very good one either. But I'm happy for people to cling to the belief that people just need to eat less and move more without stopping to think about why people don't do just that. It's exactly the same mentality that says, "well why don't the poor just get better paid jobs." Fortunately, my friends and family - who come in all shapes and sizes - think more deeply than that, show some compassion, and I would far rather have them in my life than a thin person who thinks all fat people are just lazy.

Missbopeep Tue 06-Aug-13 10:07:01

I think the idea of being interesting as a person( and reading books or having other intellectual interests) is different from being overweight and therefore not being sexually attractive to your long term partner anymore.

It's what's changed that is the key to the OP's thread.

If someone who was into reading married a person who was an avid reader when they met,( and therefore they had a shared interest) but then their partner stopped reading, it would be valid to complain that they had lost some of their connection.

Both scenarios come under the ' he/ she is not the person I married any more and they don't 'do ' it for me like they used to'

Missbopeep Tue 06-Aug-13 10:10:16

No Dahlen that's twisting my point- and I assume it is my point you are posting about!

What I found patronising about your post was the way you appeared to say that women are unable to control their lives because they are busier than men, on the whole.

I don't believe this is the case and most women I know who have children work part time, they have more time on their hands than their partners who often leave the house for work at 7 am and get home at 8pm.

noddyholder Tue 06-Aug-13 10:12:22

If you are a 'visual' person I can see how this would bother you.

delilahlilah Tue 06-Aug-13 10:14:12

If you tell him you are very likely to upset him, and he will or won't lose the weight dependant on his own choices. He might decide the weight he wishes to lose includes you.
If you love him and you want to be with him then be supportive. Self esteem can be the most important factor with weight issues, among other things.
Could you ask him to help you, say something like you have challenges the kids to a healthy living month or similar. Set up family swimming etc. give him an option to join in instead if pressure. He might be embarrassed to go on his own or doesn't want to say he is trying to lose weight in case he doesn't get results quickly enough. He may already be feeling judged, which is unlikely to help.
I think the most important thing OP is if you love him and want to help him or if this is a symptom of bigger problems. Do you just want out?

Missbopeep Tue 06-Aug-13 10:15:08

The only reason Dahlen that some people move more and eat less is because they are motivated to do so. Everyone has a choice. You can come up with however many theories you like, but the truth is they just can't be arsed to take on board their behaviour, address their emotional issues if they comfort eat, and develop some will power and self control.

Dahlen Tue 06-Aug-13 10:15:15

Personal observation is not the same as scientific study with controls missbopeep although you can of course believe whatever you want, as can I. I just choose to base mine on research.

Dahlen Tue 06-Aug-13 10:17:30

But this is detracting from your situation OP. You are entitled to feel whatever you feel about your DH's weight gain. Your feelings are not wrong. If you are a decent human being you will take care to express how you feel sensitively, and if your DH chooses not to take any of that on board or you cannot reignite the desire, you are free to leave knowing you behaved kindly and gave it your best shot.

larrygrylls Tue 06-Aug-13 10:19:29

"But I'm happy for people to cling to the belief that people just need to eat less and move more without stopping to think about why people don't do just that."

It is a form of addictive behaviour, which is aided and abetted by a very cynical food industry. However, it is not in the least bit analogous to asking why the poor don't get better jobs. It is ultimately in every single person's control what they put in their own mouths.

I do accept that there is a difference between, at one extreme, those who can afford personal trainers and special diets delivered and, at the other, those with no free time or money. However, the obesity epidemic is relatively recent and people, on average, both have more money and free time than when most were thin. It is not easy or trivial to be in decent shape. However it is within everyone's power to achieve and, in my opinion, a worthwhile aim as, whatever one feel about body image etc, one just feels so much better and has more energy when in reasonable shape (and I am not talking perfection here, a little overweight is fine).

noddyholder Tue 06-Aug-13 10:24:52

The thing is if this is a deal breaker then you are probably not with the right person sad.When my dp and I met I was 8 stone great body blah blah with in 2 years I had had treatment for cancer and was on dialysis and needed a kidney and pumped full of steroids looking a fright! Dp never waivered in how he treated me and I still felt loved and even desired when I could manage it! True love should transcend these things really Maybe he doesn't mind thats he has changed and sees it as natural How would you feel if ill health changed you radically and he rejected you? Anything can be round the corner and I bet you would really need his support no matter how big his belly is!

neveronsunday Tue 06-Aug-13 10:30:22

Larry, that's fine - but it is just your opinion.

Now aside from the health problems of obesity (as opposed to being merely overweight), it is only your opinion that it is a worthwhile aim.

OP also thinks it is, but her DH may not.

If she feels it is because he lacks respect for her/unwilling to make an effort, then that is a totally different problem in their marriage.

Sometimes, I'm too busy to wax my legs when I should - it's not because I don't love my husband.

If it is so important to the OP, then maybe she does need to talk to him - but from a position of differing priorities, rather than attacking him for being a lazy slob with no self-control.

Lizzabadger Tue 06-Aug-13 12:09:10

I agree with Noddy. If I truly loved someone I would love them and want to have sex with them no matter how much their appearance changed. If I didn't, I wouldn't.

Redlocks30 Tue 06-Aug-13 12:37:02

I agree with Noddy. If I truly loved someone I would love them and want to have sex with them no matter how much their appearance changed. If I didn't, I wouldn't.

So, if you married a man with eg a 32 inch waist who you fancied the pants off and that same person, for no reason other than gluttony, put on 6/7 stone and could no longer squeeze into 42 inch trousers (with massive stomach over the top), it wouldn't bother you one jot?

MrsMelons Tue 06-Aug-13 12:41:31

Neveronasunday - I could have started a thread about intellectual fitness when I was with XH. He kept himself fit but was very vain with it, a very unattractive quality IMO. He also had no ambitions or the desire to do well at work or at anything really (other than computer games).

I was 20 when we met and didn't care about those things at the time but as I started to do better on a professional level he just stayed the same, I found it a very unattractive quality so that probably makes me sound shallow, we just had nothing in common eventually and the only things he found interesting were computer games and football.

DH has never been as slim or toned as XH but I have always found him so much more attractive and still do, I really didn't fancy XH at all. It said it all when we split up - he desperately wanted to know if I still fancied him even though I didn't love him!

I really don't think I would not love my new DH in any circumstances regardless of his weight but I really do think the reasons behind the weight gain or whatever it is are what turns people off their partners.

Missbopeep Tue 06-Aug-13 15:40:55

Dahlen you refer to research. Would you like to link to whatever research you refer to which fits with your points about over eating- it's not very clear what you are talking about tbh.

I don't recall referring to anecdotes, or research- so please enlighten.

noddyholder Tue 06-Aug-13 15:43:40

He doesn't drink, smoke, good guy and dad works hard in a stressful job and after 12 yrs he has put on a bit of weight and likes a bit of choccy.

Missbopeep Tue 06-Aug-13 15:44:00

noddy You are missing the point and possibly haven't read all the posts?

Everyone here who has supported the OP's view, has said that unavoidable changes to appearance as a result of illness or disability are totally different to someone who 'lets themselves go' and becomes unrecognisable as the person they first met.

noddyholder Tue 06-Aug-13 15:49:41

I don't think I am. Has she said he is unrecognisable? I missed that.

Missbopeep Tue 06-Aug-13 16:43:29

You are missing the point about changes through illness which cannot be controlled, and changes by a change of lifestyle which can be controlled.

This is a by-the -way- but there are cases ( and not saying I think this is right, but I have read about these people) where people with a disability which has changed their marriage, have allowed and even encouraged their partner to seek sex elsewhere or even another relationship.

So not everyone believes you stick together whatever.

noddyholder Tue 06-Aug-13 16:52:28

Well you either believe the marriage vows or you don't I am not married but I think one of them is for better or worse. I am not missing the point I am giving an opinion. I know what you are saying but I don't agree with the OP There is nothing written down that he can't eat a bit of crap food and let himself go a bit. He may be ok with it for now and a stressful job can send you to the biscuit barrel! You can't own another person and dictate how they are and nor should you want to. he may be eating too much due to teh stress.

Twattergy Tue 06-Aug-13 17:47:58

Is a way to approach this more about equality of effort? Could you say to him, look I put in time for exercise and healthy eating and I deliberately resist snacking so that I stay fit and slim. I'd like you to put in similar effort for me.
Make it a shared thing like both try the 5:2 diet for a few months? If he loses weight easily it'll probably work for him.
It sounds like what you find most unattractive its the laziness not just the fat.

VitoCorleone Italy Tue 06-Aug-13 17:53:00

When i met my DP he had a six pack. He now has a beer belly.

When DP met me i was a size 6 with a lovely flat toned stomach - 2 kids later my stomach is a mess and i look pregnant most of the time.

But we still fancy the pants off eachother.

I think the issue with your situation OP is that something else is lacking. You cam either try and resolve it (if you want to) or leave. Life is too short.

(I know im probably repeating but i only got to page 2)

Darkesteyes Tue 06-Aug-13 18:11:09

Dahlen Ive pmed you.

Twinklestein France Tue 06-Aug-13 18:26:55

Dahlen: I shouldn't bite but I will:

I am fully aware of biological differences between men & women, funnily enough. I'm also aware of the plentiful studies that show how much more domestic work & childcare women do while working full time.

The fact is domestic chores & childcare are physically demanding. They're hard work & with that much activity you don't actually need the gym.

While women are biologically programmed to store more fat than men, due, in part, to the action of oestrogen, we're only talking about roughly 5%. Moreover, British women are not biologically programmed to be the fattest women in Europe: that comes down to eating habits, exercise habits and cultural norms.

The fact is that British men and women have among the highest BMIs in Europe, this is an issue that affects both sexes.

To imply that that when I say 'weight loss = eat less + move around more', means I haven't considered the reasons why people can't is just irritating.

I'm fully aware of all the reasons why men & women put on weight and don't lose it: from physical health issues such as thyroid problems, hormonal problems, insulin resistance, medication, pain, fatigue, injury etc; to mental issues such as stress, depression, anxiety, addiction, unhappiness, low confidence & comfort eating.

That's precisely why I have compassion for the OP's husband. That's why I will not judge a man for putting on weight any more than I would ever judge a woman.

If you have to falsify the other side of the debate & try to patronise there's something wrong with your argument.

An argument which employs, an absurd double standard: on the one hand you claim it's perfectly acceptable for a woman to ditch a man for eating too much chocolate, but it's not ok for a man to do the same.

It's not necessary to put on 2 stone in pregnancy, I didn't, and in France it's considered medically dangerous to put on the kind of weight in pregnancy that women do here.

At the same time I totally understand why women do & I'm not judging them for it. I have never personally had a problem staying thin, but I recognise that some people do. They really do, both male and female.

MrsMelons Wed 07-Aug-13 08:00:24

noddy - I think to quote marriage vows is a bit naive TBH, people change, some people may become violent and abusive but doesn't been you should stick with them for better or worse.

I don't think it is guaranteed everyone will fancy their partner for the whole of their lives and really I don't think anyone should care if someone else thinks they are shallow or not, you can't help how you feel.

If there are underlying problems as to why the OPs DH is putting on weight and putting his health at risk then he needs to do something about it, I don't think the OP has been harsh or nasty about him.

I have times when I feel stressed and may eat more, I have lazier periods when I don't exercise or if I have an injury but I would always want to make an effort for both myself and my DH, I think it would be a total lack of disrespect if neither of us cared about what the other thought. In this case it is no different really than having a partner who stops showering or something, IMO its a lack of respect and usually down to an underlying reason (often stress/depression).

Just to ask re the pregnancy weight thing - I thought 2 stone weight gain was the lower end of a healthy gain during pregnancy?

Missbopeep Wed 07-Aug-13 08:25:05

FWIW I put on just over 1 stone when pregnant with each of my DCs. My son was 7lb 6, and DD was 7lb. No doctor ever voiced any concern and after the birth I was back to my normal weight immediately. So was my mum who had 2 healthy children ( incl. me) I ate for one, not two throughout!

I think one thing that annoys me about these threads is that anyone who seems to place the responsibility back in the 'overweight person's' court, is seen as harsh and unsympathetic, and the implication is they/ we/I don't understand.

Oh but I do! I was an overweight teen around puberty and thank god my mum had the foresight to control what I ate, and told me quite bluntly that I had to cut back- I was already having issues finding clothes to fit around the waist- if they fitted my waist they were too long etc. I was by no means obese- just needed to lose a few pounds.

Since then I make an effort all the time. Heart disease runs in my family- my maternal uncle died at 50, my maternal gran had a heart attack at 60, both my parents have had mild strokes, though not until their 70s and early 80s. My 'default' position would be to sit still and eat cake. I just don't because I am too aware of the risks and also vain.

neveronsunday Wed 07-Aug-13 08:45:45

Missbopeep, I think people are saying the opposite.

Well done you for working so hard but some people just don't see it as a priority. That's up to them.

It's not refusing to place responsibility on overweight person - it is saying it is entirely that person's responsibility & not up to someone else to dictate behaviour.

Having different priorities in life does not make you virtuous & someone else lazy & irresponsible.

Nor does it make someone disrespectful.

Likening it to not showering is interesting but I suppose different people draw the line there as well.

Some people shower twice a day, I know done people who won't have sex unless their partner is freshly showered, occasionally if I'm in the house all day by myself I don't bother and then forget later.

The problem for the OP is that there is a disconnect between them which needs sorting out.

Incidentally OP, my husband & I went on the Briffa diet after we read his book. DH never been on diet in his life but it made perfect sense to him & he totally bought in.

MrsMelons Wed 07-Aug-13 08:57:22

I am not sure the showering thing is particularly relevant but I was just thinking along the lines of people seeing the laziness/not making an effort as a turn off, I am not sure I could fancy someone who smelt terrible all the time, not as much as having to have a shower before sex but just general good hygiene. Is that shallow? I am not sure but certainly it wouldn't bother some people but would others, would DH fancy me if I didn't shave my legs/under arms? I have no idea but I can't imagine he would be particularly turned on by it.

I guess this thread has surprised me a bit with such a high expectation of fancying/loving someone unconditionally. I am just not sure everyone is able to do that due to differences I personalitites. I couldn't stick with XH through the 'worse' as he was an arsehole but I can't imagine it being the same with DH.

neveronsunday Wed 07-Aug-13 09:11:12

I think what I'm saying is about degree. The problem is that something has changed in OP's marriage but it's not an absolute.

The issue is not that her DH needs to lose weight but they need to find an equilibrium again.

For example - I'm clean but I don't spend much time on my appearance (I'm making myself out to be a right catch aren't I grin). I don't wear make up every day, I let my hair dry naturally & it desperately needs dying, my nails are a state. I spend 3 mins getting ready in the morning. And I'm a stone or 2 overweight. But my husband loves & fancies me.

Likewise, my husband is big & not that careful about his appearance. If I'm honest, his hair is a state. I LIKE THAT! I like that he is a bit disheveled at times, I like that he doesn't spend hours caring about what he looks like.

I have never found male models or sports people attractive.

He has lost weight recently which makes him look better, I admit, but I NEVER didn't fancy him and tell him in no uncertain terms that I like him 'chunky'. I do not want to bounce off a six pack thank you very much.

I realise we now must sound like The Twits but I'm just trying to say that's its the OP's perception along with her DH's weight that is the problem, not just him.

noddyholder Wed 07-Aug-13 09:17:10

I wonder though if they changed other things eg he became more willing to socialise and put a bit of effort into the actual relationship the weight may not matter as much.

Missbopeep Wed 07-Aug-13 09:17:31

I am going to stick my neck out here and say some of the pious comments about how someone would love their partner whatever are not always going to be borne out if they had to face that reality. The responses remind me of those tick-box quizzes in magazines:
How would you react if your partner gained 4 stones in weight.
-love them just the same
-encourage them to lose weight by doing it jointly
-leave the bastard.
And of course, everyone thinks the 'right' answer is number 1!

I agree with the poster who said it's about mutual respect. Your first priority is to respect yourself. If you have emotional issues, or a lifestyle that prevents you taking control of your weight then that's still not a reason not to face up to that and seek support.

I also believe we have to show respect to our partners by being an attractive person- emotionally, physically and in every sense. What that means to each couple is different- but if weight is huge turn off and it's made clear then to disregard that is the same as saying you don't care about your partner's feelings. Yes, of course someone also has the right to become fat- but if they know their partner is not attracted to fat people ( and I'm one of those) then they need to think about their behaviour.

If i was to double my weight DH would still love me for who I am- but I know he doesn't like fat women, so even if I disregarded the health aspects of being fat, I wouldn't allow myself to turn into something that might cause conflicting emotions for him.

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