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She's just not that into me..........

(95 Posts)
LEMisdisappointed Sat 03-Aug-13 17:14:36

So why do i bother with her? A new mum came onto the scene at DDs school last year and I really liked her. She is pretty and really great company - being with her makes me feel good about myself which is weird because i suffer from self esteem issues and she is probably the picture of everything id like to be, but the opposite of me in reality.

She has recently split with her DH and I have tried to offer her kindness, invited her out, gone out of my way to talk to her at the school gates. She does come out with our small group of mums during school times but has now dropped off the radar for the summer, refused invites to events ith the kids etc. Although been to a few that i have been on.

She has always been friendly and shared quite alot about her situation etc, i really thought she would make a good friend and we could have a laugh etc.

Our DDs don't get on particularly well but they play together if we all meet up after school.

I do get the distinct - "im not interested in being your friend" vibes from her. This is her perogative of course and i do think she is the sort of person who can pick and choose friends etc, popular, a bit of a people magnet etc, has a group of friends who are very chic and a bit of the "in crowd" I am certainly not that and don't really want to be (i dont think)

So why don't i get the fecking message and stop asking her to things? not bother to wait to walk back with her from school etc??? I am probably coming across as a bit of a loon hmm. There was someone else before this, who i felt the same about although i did all the running she blatantly was only interested if no one else avail or wanted my DP to do work in their house etc. She actually turned out to be not a very nice person in the end, other people saw this long before me - although i sort of knew. I am starting to feel this new woman is similar - not a cunt or anything but the sort of person who would drop someoen at the drop of a hat if a better offer came along. Saying that, she doesn't encourage a friendship.

Makes me sad really, i often feel not good enough.

IslaValargeone Sat 03-Aug-13 17:23:34

Well, perhaps because your kids don't get on particularly well, she is mixing with people who her dd is more friendly with?
Other than that,you say you have self esteem issues and often feel not good enough. Are you relying on other people to make you feel good and perhaps getting a little bit obsessive about their company as a result?

LEMisdisappointed Sat 03-Aug-13 17:40:12

Isla, i think there is an element of what you describe going on there, but i was hoping for a friendship that wasn't just a mummy friendship which is what i have with other people. We are friends so the kids can play together.

I don't tend to be obsessive about it as a rule, but have found myself doing just that with this woman. Im not sure if she has noticed.

there's a bit of an elephant in the room here but really don't know if i should mention it. have you ever had relationships with women or been attracted to women? it's just... maybe there is a vibe you're giving off that you're not conscious of but others - two women who you've felt very attached and drawn to - are.

i'm really not trying to be sarcastic or anything here.

LEMisdisappointed Sat 03-Aug-13 18:02:04

swallow grin Maybe it is a bit of a girl crush, but i don't think i'd want to be dtd with a woman if it came to it. At least i don't think so.......

We have actually had the "would you" discussion, i am in the probably not but never say never (not with her!) and i think she said similar - however i woudl most definately not be her type!!!!

well then you laugh but most of what you say backs up my gut instinct reaction to your post.

it does sound like you're falling in love with these women. if you're sure it's not romantic or sexual then maybe you need to explore what it is itms. because it's something isn't it?

LEMisdisappointed Sat 03-Aug-13 18:20:07

I think falling in love is too much, but i do get what you are saying. I think its more about wanting to be "like" and liked by them more than anything else. I don't think i would have ruled out a same sex relationship in the past, but obviously with my DP now and monogomous. Also, it never happened so i don't think its that.

perfectstorm Sat 03-Aug-13 18:29:07

Honestly, I think you sound like you really want to be close friends with someone you like very much - you sound a little lonely - and so you may come across as a tad needy? Which is off-putting, because it feels like a demand, even when you really like the person.

Given you're obviously thoughtful and articulate, have you thought about a book club? Two really good friends of mine from totally different parts of my life -one was a childhood friend of my DH, the other a friend of mine from Uni - ended up Facebook friends, and when I said, wow, how lovely, how did it happen? It turned out they'd gone to the same London book club and hit it off really well. And yet they have nothing in common on paper except kindness, inquiring minds and great senses of humour... and a love of books. That way you get to meet a lot of people in a regular way, with a set and interesting topic of discussion that is wholly inclusive. And it would just be for you.

Missbopeep Sat 03-Aug-13 18:32:53

when I read the first 2 paragraphs, I was convinced you were a guy. In fact even when I read right to the end you sounded like a guy.

Is this genuine?

Because you sound as if you are 'coming on' to her ( and the previous woman) not as a friend but as a potential lover- all the talk about her being pretty, makes you feel good etc.

Well?

MortifiedAdams Sat 03-Aug-13 18:36:23

TBh some people dont have time for friendships, certainly not ones that may seem intense or require a lot of hardwork.

I work ft shiftwork and see my dh and dd less than is ideal. My friendships are all ones that do not rest on regular contact or a need to constantly keep in with the crowd. Thankfully the friends I have are similar.

If I met someone new tbh I would assess how much I would need to keep in contact with that person before I embarked on a friendship.

Missbopeep Sat 03-Aug-13 18:37:57

Why did you use that subject line at the start OP? You made it sound like a 'relationship' issue - YKWIM. Are you teasing us a little?

LEMisdisappointed Sat 03-Aug-13 18:44:45

Misbopeep - what is your point??? hmm I chose the title because of the film, which ihaven't seen, but i was being humourous, or at leat that is what i thought.

Perfectstorm - that is ironic as this woman does belong to a book club and i asked her about it and she said she was new to it so wanted to suss it out first (which i interpreted as, err, leave me alone!). I am lonely actually, i have quite a few mummy "friends" and seem to be developing quite a nice friendship with one in particular, who is lovely and we seem to like each others company. I think this other woman reminds me of who i was before i had kids etc if that makes sense, someone to have nights out with as i miss that sort of frienship. One that isn't about the kids etc. I used to have a "best friend" years ago - we were very close (not THAT close) and it was good - since i have been with DP he has been my best friend and thats good too. I think its that at the moment i don't feel my friendships go beyond the superficial. I am not working just now and that may be an issue. I maybe will have to look up another book club smile Generally i often prefer male or mixed company to mainly women. I think your post kind of sums up my situation quite well.

scottishmummy Sat 03-Aug-13 18:45:20

Go on your gut instinct,you've gone out your way to be nice
Is it reciprocated?if yes there's a potential friendship, if no cut your losses
It takes lot to initiate new friendship,but needs to be mutually beneficial

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sat 03-Aug-13 18:48:03

When people come across as needy, it is really offputting, both when its romantic and in friendship.
I think you need to take a step back, be more casual and not come across as clingy.
Who instigated this 'would you' chat?
Perhaps she is stepping back because you are appearing interested in her in a way that does not interest her?

LEMisdisappointed Sat 03-Aug-13 18:48:09

Mortified, that is a fair point and i accept that - i don't think she wants to have close friendship and thats her perogative, yet i still find myself inviting her to things, wanting to spend time with her etc. When i know she isn't that fussed. That was my point of the thread really - as in, i should just get the message and move on - im nice, people like me, but i never seem to get close to folk if that makes sense.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sat 03-Aug-13 18:50:35

That sounds really harsh.
I wasnt putting you down. Just speculating how you may come across so you could choose to change it if you felt you wanted to.

It is sad but true that the more we show ourselves to really need, the more others want to put some distance.

scottishmummy Sat 03-Aug-13 18:51:48

So stop asking her to do stuff.if your getting the not interested vibe
Read the vibes,don't be needy
It's not a war of attrition you can't wear her down to like you

LEMisdisappointed Sat 03-Aug-13 18:52:12

Hecsy - i dont think it was me, i can't remember, i think it was another friend actually. I don't think she was put off by that - we were just having a laugh about it. We both said we would but have never met anyone we "would" with - i wouldn't want to have sex with her.

LEMisdisappointed Sat 03-Aug-13 18:52:53

scottishmummy - yes you are absolutely right, and ive told myself this - yet i don't do it!

LEMisdisappointed Sat 03-Aug-13 18:54:14

Hecsy, not harsh at all its what i think myself! I think ive always been like this

dirtyface Sat 03-Aug-13 18:55:15

the "in crowd" ?? "popular" ??

OP i don't mean this horrible but are you at school?

LEMisdisappointed Sat 03-Aug-13 18:57:39

needy, not a lesbian!

Missbopeep Sat 03-Aug-13 18:58:23

Your subject line- it's what people say when they want to have a 'relationship'.

You don't have to know about any film.

Your entire post reads like someone who wants to have a relationship, not a friendship. I thought you were a man or a gay woman.

If that is not the case then maybe what you can take from this is that your language ( and the emotions behind it) are way OTT for a school gate friendship and it's no surprise that this person is running a mile if you come across to her in RL in the same way as your post here.

LEMisdisappointed Sat 03-Aug-13 18:58:43

no dirty, but it feels like it sometimes. I was just trying to explain the sort of person she is - lots of friends etc. I have acquaintances

Hissy Sat 03-Aug-13 18:58:57

I think the ishoos are HERS actually LEM. Perhaps she feels intimidated by how nice you are to her?

Perhaps her esteem is rock bottom?

Were you a victim of a controlling/abusive relationship previously? Sorry if I have you muddled with someone else.

Missbopeep Sat 03-Aug-13 19:00:26

eh, hissy? surely not.

LEMisdisappointed Sat 03-Aug-13 19:00:28

a friendship is a relationship though isn't it.

Missbopeep Sat 03-Aug-13 19:03:53

I don't mean this unkindly but on the basis of your language in your first post, you seem to be very unaware of the way you come across. Saying a woman is pretty etc etc reads like a man ( or gay woman) wanting a sexual relationship. ( and don't please say we can appreciate another woman's looks without being a lesbian- that's not what I mean.)

Are you being especially dim over this- your use of language- or can you just really not see it?

LEMisdisappointed Sat 03-Aug-13 19:05:11

Hissy, no, i think you must have me muddled up with someone. DP and my relationship has had its ups and downs but he has never been abusive/controlling.

Her esteem, so she says, is rock bottom - however she seems really confident and carefree. She certainly does have alot of issues as her DH was a bastard to her and he is still around in a way. But she certainly doesn't give off those vibes - as i said, i should like to be more like her.

Saying that - it is still her choice, she doesn't want a close friendship and thats ok - so i should just leave it at that, it shouldn't be a big deal. MY self esteem issues is what makes it a big deal.

Missbopeep Sat 03-Aug-13 19:06:10

So why don't i get the fecking message and stop asking her to things? not bother to wait to walk back with her from school etc??? I am probably coming across as a bit of a loon hmm.

why don't you get the message then? You seem to have answered your own questions but at the same time you seem reluctant to take on board how your behaviour puts people off. hmm

AvonCallingBarksdale Sat 03-Aug-13 19:07:09

LEMisdisappointed is a poster I recognise well. Missbopeep, I think you're barking up the wrong tree here. Personally I think it's perfectly possible to say a woman is pretty etc etc without it sounding anything like a man or gay woman wanting a sexual relationship!

OP, I think you sound a bit lonely, but are maybe scaring this woman off a friendship by being a bit needy and a bit too much. Would you say that was fair?

Missbopeep Sat 03-Aug-13 19:07:49

Even now you are ignoring a lot of points people are saying here- why is that?

Do you lack empathy- or just want to control things and block out anything that isn't what you want to see or hear ( both in RL and on this forum?)

scottishmummy Sat 03-Aug-13 19:08:04

You're going round in circles,you know the answer.
You know what to do
For whatever reason you're choosing not to do the sensible thing

i'm kind of glad it's not just me. OP without getting defensive i think you need to look at the fact that several of us on here had the exact same vibe from your post and your feelings about this woman and the whole, 'why can't i take no for an answer', 'i don't understand why i keep chasing her' type thing.

yes friendships are relationships but the language and emotions and 'being drawn' of the intensity you're talking about is usually about attraction and chemistry.

Missbopeep Sat 03-Aug-13 19:08:33

Avon I did SAY that ( about prettiness ) if you read carefully.

LEMisdisappointed Sat 03-Aug-13 19:08:35

if you don't mean something unkindly, then don't say it! She IS pretty, she is actually fucking stunning - so what. That is part of who she is, she has a magnetic personality and is fun to be around. I was making the point that lots of people like her. The thread title was tongue in cheek, im sorry if you don't get that. I have acknowledged to swallow that there maybe some sort of "girl crush" thing going on, although its not principally the issue. It is more me looking for a close friendship with someone. If you don't like the cut of my post, then don't bother to post.

Missbopeep Sat 03-Aug-13 19:10:13

Avon just for you- ^( and don't please say we can appreciate another woman's looks without being a lesbian- that's not what I mean.^)

it's the 'for whatever reason' bit that is so telling. when we have the keep going after someone despite knowing better but not being able to help ourselves it generally only is for one reason and that's attraction and chemistry.

was the other woman also stunning?

missbopeep you're coming over a bit... well like you might be taking out angst online. i say that in the nicest possible way, honestly but you're being a bit harsh.

CajaDeLaMemoria Sat 03-Aug-13 19:11:49

I think she's picked up on your self diagnosed girl crush. It's difficult to know how to behave around people who are clearly attracted to you if you don't feel the same. I've been guilty of laughing it off and slowly withdrawing myself just as this woman is.

I get that it's entirely accidental, but I'm almost certain that this will be the reason.

Missbopeep Sat 03-Aug-13 19:13:07

It's not that I don't like the 'cut of your post'- whatever that means- it's that you are behaving now in a way that seems to show you are bloody stubborn and won't take on board what lots of people are saying.

She might be 'fucking stunning' but exactly- so what! why did you need to mention it right at the start of your thread?

You are either being spectacularly dim here re. how your take on this woman comes over, or you are playing silly buggers and refusing to listen.

LEMisdisappointed Sat 03-Aug-13 19:14:13

misbopeep i am not blocking things out, you seem very aggressive in your posting style, i have acknowledged to swallow that she may well have been right and i certainly did not take offence to her post as she could have a point. Maybe i do "fancy" this woman - if i do, why is that a problem? I was questioning my inability to respond to the "im not interested in a close friendship" vibes she is giving out.

The answer scottishmummy is to back off, i absolutely agree - i think i was asking myself why i was unable to do this. Its a bit sad really

scottishmummy Sat 03-Aug-13 19:14:19

Of course we are all drawn to charismatic folk,they have a something
You're probably going to have to settle for as acquaintances,not besties
And stop trying so hard

MissStrawberry Sat 03-Aug-13 19:14:41

Hmm, thinking about this I am trying to put myself in your shoes to try and answer. I have a friend. I can see she is pretty, slim, confident, a brilliant mum, lovely children and husband, busy life and I have often wished I was more like her. But, I can see differences in our lives that I am happier with my choices/situations. My point being, don't try and be like someone else (to get them to like or notice you?) but be happier in your own skin and change what you need too.

confused.

Missbopeep Sat 03-Aug-13 19:14:47

swallowed- I have no angst I assure you, on this.

I am just very frustrated that the OP won't listen, and reflect on what people are saying.

LEMisdisappointed Sat 03-Aug-13 19:15:07

swallow - no she wasn't grin

Helltotheno Sat 03-Aug-13 19:15:28

OP I think you're just basking in her reflected glory, or to put it another way, want to mirror what you see in her.... so I guess yeah, self-esteem issue.

But the important thing is to just be yourself. Ask yourself: do you even really have anything in common with her when it comes down to it? Did you hit it off straightaway and know everything about each other in an afternoon? See that just doesn't bode well cos you don't end up knowing the essence of the person, just stuff about them.

You need to keep some mystery imo. Don't barf out all your personal details in the space of an hour with new people! Getting to know someone as a friend kind of is like getting to know someone in an actual relationship. It has to happen over time and by degrees smile

You didn't do anything wrong. Yes, maybe you come across needy to her but that's not crime of the century is it? Just back off a little and try other avenues...

Missbopeep Sat 03-Aug-13 19:17:17

OP it's not a problem at all if you 'fancy' her.

What is a problem is your inability to acknowledge why your behaviour may have frightened her off.

I'm only being harsh because you seem to need harsh comments to make you aware of how you come across. I wouldn't be harsh if you began to show a tiny bit of understanding of your own behaviour,

LEMisdisappointed Sat 03-Aug-13 19:18:48

I don't understand your problem missbopeep - where am i not taking things on board, if you READ my posts you will see me agreeing with people. You do seem to have a bee in your bonnet. It is possible to reflect on what people say and think, well yes, they have a point but i don't think its that. People have asked if i have sexual feelings to this woman or romantic feelings, i have answered that i really don't think i do - what is there to misinterpret?

Missstrawberry - thanks, that sums it up nicely. I do actually envy her, in some ways but id not swap places with her in many others.

if you do fancy her so what? so nothing - it's fine. but it does answer question doesn't it as to why you can't let it go when rationally you know you should. that's how attraction works.

i think you have your answer.

LEMisdisappointed Sat 03-Aug-13 19:20:54

I have totally acknowledged that i may have come on too strong (not in a sexual way i dont think) and this may have been the reason she has backed off. It could be im just not her type - her type for friendship as i am most definately not pretty and charismatic. I don't think you are being harsh - just a little obstinate.

no she doesn't seem to need harsh comments but you do seem to need to give her harsh comments. honestly, outside in, you are being really aggro. i don't get why you accused her of being controlling or taking the piss. the whole point of the post was i don't understand my feelings here so want to explore them not get something rammed down my throat by someone with a bee in their bonnet about my tone itms.

scottishmummy Sat 03-Aug-13 19:22:16

You've created an idealised schemata of who she is,funny,attractive,charismatic
Perhaps projecting attributes you would like to possess yourself
It's looking up to the popular girl at school stuff

Hissy Sat 03-Aug-13 19:23:34

blush

Reason I asked was (having muddled you up) thinking that the difference between a person that falls for a DV perp and one that doesn't is, imho, often that we don't give up on them when messages are being transmitted to us/red flags etc.

For whatever reason, this person is not going to be the wonderful friend you want her to be to you. You may never know why, but it's OK.

don't be disheartened, everything happens for a reason, and if she doesn't see what a good friend you are, then she's the mug.

back off a bit and see what happens.

LEMisdisappointed Sat 03-Aug-13 19:25:29

scottish, yes, that is right - there are negatives, but how nice would it be for me to say, but actually she comes across as self centred and vain, is not the sort of mother i would choose to be. I think i am blinded by the schemata that you mention. I would like to be like her - i certainly wouldn't want to BE her.

LEMisdisappointed Sat 03-Aug-13 19:27:24

Thanks hissy - thats a nice comment smile

scottishmummy Sat 03-Aug-13 19:28:27

In idealised relationship,the imbalance is minimising faults and idealising too much

LEMisdisappointed Sat 03-Aug-13 19:31:47

aye scottish smile you are a wise woman indeed, but then i have always had a wee bit of a girly crush on you wink I can see faults, and im not just saying that, in this woman and they are significant ones. I think i need to learn to like MYSELF a bit more.

scottishmummy Sat 03-Aug-13 19:33:06

Nail,head,moment.its not about her,it's all about you.

LEMisdisappointed Sat 03-Aug-13 19:36:02

oh absolutely right scottish

slipperySlip000 Sat 03-Aug-13 19:36:27

Is this a sort of platonic limerence? Is there such a thing? Anyone?

AvonCallingBarksdale Sat 03-Aug-13 19:39:10

Thanks, Missbopeep, but I wasn't desperate to point out to you how you'd totally contradicted yourself in your post! I don't have a problem with reading smile It's one thing to be direct, quite another to come across quite as agressively as you are, but there you go.

Rooners Sat 03-Aug-13 19:40:11

Oh LEM I live near you I think and want to be your friend smile

Was secretly hoping this might be about me and I could say 'OH I really love you! You are so wrong!' and we'd have a big get together and be jolly good pals grin

Please don't worry. People do this weird stuff, it ain't your fault.

scottishmummy Sat 03-Aug-13 19:40:47

Limerance is the infatuation and elevation of feelings to heightened dysfunctional state
What op needs do,and she is reflecting.is recognise this isn't about the woman
It's about op,idealisation and idolisation

mumat39 Sat 03-Aug-13 19:44:06

Hi LEM

I think I can understand what you mean. I have a lot of people I am friendly with but they are all linked by the fact that our kids go to the same school.

They are all really really lovely ladies and I would like to consider them friends, but I have always been a bit on the periphery of groups like that. Even at school, I was probably the only one who didn't have a best friend. I got on with everyone equally. But there were the best friend cliques and at school I wasn't ever really worried about it.

I find I am the same now, but it does bug me slightly that I don't have a BFF. I think it would be healthy for me to have a friend that I know through me, rather than through my dc, if that makes sense.

I have always felt a bit invisible, and have always wanted to be more like lots of other people. I suppose I have never felt good enough about myself.

I did click with a mum recently and would occassionally ask her if she'd like a play date for the kids with a coffee for us. I really liked her and hoped we could be good friends, but she didn't reciprocate. I think she had lots of friends already and maybe I wasn't the sort of person she'd normally mix with. Who knows. It wasn't an 'attraction'. It didn't work out and I stopped bothering once our dc finished at pre school together as it was making me feel bad about myself.

I sometimes wonder if I just don't know how to be a BFF. Maybe that's why I don't have any, if that makes sense.

Anyway, if I were you, I would probably carry on including her on group emails etc, but just stop feeling bad when she declines. If others do come along to things then great. And maybe stop making such a huge effort and see if she makes the effort with you.

I do feel for you though because it is hard.

Take care

LEMisdisappointed Sat 03-Aug-13 19:45:06

lol rooners - thanks smile you do live near me yes

I have learnt a new word on this thread though - limerance smile off to google that one!

Missbopeep Sat 03-Aug-13 19:45:21

Okay- apologies for the harshness.

I prefer to think of it as just being blunt, but there you go.

Without being harsh then- OP we are often attracted to people we put on a pedestal for whatever reason. But we can't always be assured of their friendship just because we like them ( and maybe secretly admire them.)

Without actually being there with you, it's hard to know how you came across to this woman. But it's clear she doesn't want to be the same sort of friend to you that you'd like to be to her.

This happens all the time and it sucks, but you just need to stop over analysing it all and not take it personally. Maybe she has enough friends, maybe she doesn't feel there is any point being your friend if your DCs don't get on- who knows.

There will be other people who do want you as a friend, so don't waste your time on her.

LEMisdisappointed Sat 03-Aug-13 19:50:50

Thankyou missbopeep - thats a nice post too! The thing is, i think she prefers trendy people to be friends with and im not that, so i don't get past the school gate. I think she is very image aware and again, im not (little point) and would choose friendships based on that. That is why i can't understand why i was so drawn to her as she actually does have a lot of qualities that i don't like - does that make ANY sense at all??

It seems to me you are trying too hard. Friendships don't usually need you to go to so much trouble, you meet somebody, you get one well your friendship builds. It has to be mutual but I don't think that it works if one of you decides to befriend the other. You can't make her like you.

As I was reading through this I sort of thought you were projecting as well and then of course Scottishmummy said the same thing. You want to be like her because you want to be stylish and pretty and popular. The thing is she doesn't have a perfect life does she? She has split from her husband, she has had to move house presumably and her DD has had to move school. With the husband and the move she has a lot on her plate. Maybe she has a family to support her or maybe her chic 'in crowd' who she has presumably known for a while, are a great support. It just maybe that she doesn't need new friends at the moment. She might also be like my DS2 who is a people magnet but he has a couple of very good friends and isn't interested in the other people. He is more into quality than quantity - perhaps she just doesn't need a lot of 'proper' close friends.

It isn't that you aren't good enough at all. It is just that this woman doesn't have the perfect 2 dimensional life you have created for her and she has worries and difficulties and perhaps have room for another friend in her life. It is no reflection on you at all. Of course on the other hand she could be a real, superior bitch who just doesn't want to know but either way, you need to let it go and stop trying so hard. Relax a bit and I am sure you will find good friends in time.smile

Sorry cross post - I'm going with the superior bitch theory on reading your last post LEM!

Missbopeep Sat 03-Aug-13 19:56:41

It kind of makes sense. Maybe it's her sense of aloofness and style which you envy and her ability to be choosy over her friends! Or maybe it's because she has a aura of confidence which you would like? Sometimes we are attracted to opposites even if we can see their faults.

I wouldn't get het up over it. She may dislike you or see you as not her type simply because of your hair style, choice of shoes, or something equally shallow- especially if she is trendy.

I know it can be frustrating not to have friendships returned when you reach out, but you've just got to turn it round as if it was a guy, and think ' their loss'.

LEMisdisappointed Sat 03-Aug-13 20:06:29

thanks missbo - that makes sense

maybe you saw something in her that seemed to you the 'real' her aside from all that image, trendy, whatever stuff and sort of saw yourself as offering her a way out to a 'real' friendship that wasn't based on all that.

mumat39 - i totally blew it with a lovely lady once because i was in a rush and she stopped and asked me if i wanted to arrange a playdate and having never heard the term before (so wasn't used to the whole 'mummyworld' thing and this was early pre-school) so just looked confusedly and probably slightly suspiciously at her and said sorry i was in a rush and dashed off blush it turns out she is absolutely lovely and i wish i'd said yes that would be lovely but a friend was parked on double yellows and i genuinely had no clue what this woman was asking me grin

hope you're not her!

in fact, aside from the girl crush, that's a pretty viable explanation - that aside from all the cool, remote, popular vibes you're picking up a 'need to be saved' vibe that others don't see and trying to respond to it instinctively. but she's maybe not ready or doesn't know she's even giving it off yet.

or i could be codpsychologising my way into my own colon by this point wink

IDontBowlOnShabbos Sat 03-Aug-13 20:12:18

Hi LME I think you could be right. I have a 'friend' who is very pretty and she told me she would never be friends with someone who wasn't. it was a throw away comment but still really shocked me.
If it's any consolation she's a bit of a crap friend. I think most vain people are, so you've probably had a lucky escape!

perfectstorm Sat 03-Aug-13 20:12:48

Think scottishmummy has it bang on actually. (Don't always think that, must confess. :P)

I still think arranging things such as a book club, maybe a yoga/Pilates class would be good. Something just for you, that will also build up your own self-esteem. Sorry if wrong but I get the sense you're a SAHM? That can also play merry hell with confidence, valuable though it undoubtedly is as a job.

missbopeep, it's a tad ironic that you keep endlessly banging on about how the OP "needs" harsh commentary, because she's "refusing to take on board what people say to her". As far as I can see, she's not been personally unpleasant or aggressive to anyone - unlike you. Perhaps you should take your own advice, and reflect on your behaviour here? It is not attractive, as an outsider.

oh and mumcat i did have that feeling with that preschool lady that she wasn't the kind of person i usually hung out with (swanky mercedes, always seemed super organised and grown up etc) which didn't make me think i don't want to hang out with you but maybe made me self conscious about why me or being able to be myself around her.

we're all bloody loons basically is my overall opinion on most things.

IDontBowlOnShabbos Sat 03-Aug-13 20:13:45

* LEM Sorry!

perfectstorm Sat 03-Aug-13 20:14:09

Crap, I'm sorry missbopeep - there was a second page I didn't see for some reason. confused. I didn't mean to bring it up when you'd already apologised.

filee777 Sat 03-Aug-13 20:16:56

This is a strange thread

Why is everyone being so harsh to the op, why is saying someone is beautiful a sexual thing?

Op some people like space, maybe her dd doesn't like to play with yours, maybe its something else entirely. I wouldn't worry about it judt focus your attentions on something else.

scottishmummy Sat 03-Aug-13 20:19:07

I think this is actually a v interesting thread
Pleasant change from the usual dp losy the remote control shall I divorce him tat

Chubfuddler Sat 03-Aug-13 20:20:03

Sounds like a massive difference in expectations of friendship.

Some adult women have friendships like the pair in beaches - longer lasting and more significant than a marriage. I'm just not like that - I'm far from socially awkward but I just don't have the time or energy to invest in friendships which need loads and loads of fuel. Basically if someone is going to get upset if we don't have coffee at least once a week, a shopping trip once a month and a girls weekend away once or twice a year it is best for us not to try to be friends.

I have some lovely friends and when they need me I am there with the wine, tissues and draft divorce petition or whatever. But I'm never going to be "besties" in that Monica and Rachel kind of way.

Perhaps she's like me. Back off and there could yet be a friendship in this.

welshharpy Sat 03-Aug-13 20:27:00

Sorry Op, been reading this and it struck a cord. I gradually became friends with one of the mums at school, started with a quick chat in the morning etc but then quickly escalated to her waiting for me every day at the school gates at drop off & pick up times, inviting out dc over for tea etc (even though our kids do not get on particularly well).
She would then be texting me random stuff throughout the day and expecting to be included when I went out with other friends and when doing family stuff on weekends.
She came across as desperately needy and it got to the stage where my husband would roll his eyes everytime she texted as it would involve running an errand for her.
Needless to say I eventually stopped going out of my way at all for her and it was a huge relief to do so, needy people are draining without realising.
I still see her now and again and say hi but I am not her mother or husband and that is really what I think she was looking for, her mother was very distant and her marriage was love/sexless (that was what she told me anyway).
Sorry Op, dont want to be harsh but neediness is a huge turn off, true friendships are ones that do not have to be forced.

ninah Sun 04-Aug-13 00:13:05

If she's just split up with her dh she may not have a lot of emotional energy going spare at the moment. Which would make neediness even less appealing.

mumat39 Sun 04-Aug-13 00:24:31

Swallowedafly, don't worry it wasn't me! grin

I have issues with low self esteem, and also over analyse things too much sometimes. So a simple 'no I can't I'm actually busy' for one person would probably have me what that means confused. So i reckon your loon theory definitely applies to me! grin

OP, you've been so pleasant and calm in the face of some pretty brutal honesty on here.

You are clearly a nice person and I hope you find a way to forget about this woman, who doesn't really sound all that terrific a prospect for friendship, and love yourself a bit more.

glad it wasn't you mumat. well if you reckon your self esteem is that low and you still manage to ask people if they want to meet up or reach out for friendships then you are a very brave woman who should give herself a pat on the back for having the guts to still put yourself out there rather than bash yourself for finding it difficult itms.

twofalls Sun 04-Aug-13 07:59:43

There could be various reasons why she is behaving as she is. She may not have the emotional energy for a new friendship. She may sense your admiration and be worried about being on a pedestal. She may already have "enough" friends or she might be like my sil and deliberately keeps her distance because she hates to be organised or pinned down in anyway. Or she just might not be very nice whatever the reason it doesn't really matter. The relationship is not doing you any favours as it is making you feel bad. It's like you are the girl in the uncool gang at school who had a bit of attention from one of the in crowd and is feeling grateful and craving more. Even if you did become friends, it doesn't sound like this would be an equal relationship so you do need to back off for your own good. You do sound lovely and it is hard when you are looking for friendship.

theMovedStone Sun 04-Aug-13 08:46:01

OP
You said she has split up recently with her DH
So maybe this's a reason she acts the way she does

Can you just try to talk to her more openly
I realy think that very often lack of the straightforward comunication can cause a lot of misunderstanding and confusion

tbh in the 'what to do now' bit, rather than the analyse the hell out of the poor OP business grin (you've taken it so well OP and i hope i haven't offended you in any way), i'd say one last attempt that puts the ball in her court. just say hello next time you see her, that it would be lovely to catch up sometime and you appreciate she's got a lot on her plate at the minute but 'you know where i am if you ever need anything or want to catch up'.

you lay yourself open one last time and you leave it up to her knowing you've said all you can.

aside from the girl crush bit i do think you're probably picking up on some need in her for a friend and to talk things through or something that you are reaching out to but she's not taking. so you put it out there one last time and it's up to her.

ALittleStranger Sun 04-Aug-13 08:58:28

This whole thread reads like a thread about romantic relationships, right down to people telling the OP she's had a lucky escape.

I think the fact that the woman felt the need to say the OP "wasn't her type" when they discussed same sex attraction suggests she did interpret it as a partial come on.

TeddyPickleStick Sun 04-Aug-13 09:07:10

I've read many of your threads over the years OP and the reason for your low self esteem is due to the hideous way your DP treats you. You've been on the receiving end of some awful stuff from him yet you now say its just usual ups and downs. Didn't you split with him recently ?

Until you finally get rid of him I think you'll always feel slightly below par.

TalkingintheDark Sun 04-Aug-13 09:14:54

LEM, have you looked into where these feelings of not being good enough come from? Specifically, what was/is your relationship with your mother like?

You're asking "why don't I get the message and stop asking her to things" (asking for her friendship, essentially) and, given that you clearly know on a logical level that this isn't going anywhere, there must be a deeper emotional-logic reason for it, IMO.

Maybe you're playing out a much more important relationship issue (eg the one with your mother, perhaps) in this situation, without realising it, and that's why you can't make yourself behave in the rational way you want to. I do think you might be projecting something onto her and that unconsciously you are trying to gain her approval/liking because there's a need in you that was never met somehow, and you've set her up as someone who can (or more likely can't, but you wish she would) meet that need.

Just something you might like to explore if you're interested in looking at how relationship dynamics work, the reasons why we do things that on the surface don't make any sense.

The book club is a great idea too!

if it's true that your relationship with your partner is that bad then that may be the bit of her that 'you wish you were like' and want to draw strength from seeing as she's split up with hers and i think you said he's a bit of a shit.

LEMisdisappointed Sun 04-Aug-13 09:51:09

swallowed, I have a good relationship with DP, we went through a rough patch but things have been good for a long time now. He certainly doesn't treat me hideously hmm

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