Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

So Ashamed

(63 Posts)
grumpyoldbat Fri 02-Aug-13 13:36:17

I've been really struggling with stress and anxiety. Had a tough few years when we lost everything and now slowly building back up and trying hard to become more financially secure.

It's just been pointed out to me on another thread that I've been abusive to my DH. I'm so upset, I'm not an abusive person and I'd. No idea I was being abusive.

I'm struggling to hold it together in front of the DC. I've no idea how to fix it or make it up to him.

PoodleFlavouredFreddos Fri 02-Aug-13 15:06:51

I'm sorry, I don't really know what to say, but I didn't want to leave your post unanswered.

How have you been abusive? does DH see it that way?

I used to get angry really easily, but I never usually show it. Occasionally i'll fall to pieces in this big ranty crying shouting out burst. I'm not proud of it, and am in therapy to address my issues with emotions. once I was crying/ranting and my DP flinched when I lent past him to pick up a mug. I was devastated he felt the need to flinch. I have since worked really really hard on my own issues, and now have many more appropriate skills to handle my emotions.

Can you get help?

Trazzletoes Fri 02-Aug-13 15:12:16

I'm no expert, but perhaps sit down with him and acknowledge what's happened, apologise, try to move forwards - is counselling an option to help you deal with such situations more appropriately?

Sorry, but in what way are you abusive to your husband?
If we know more we can probably help more.
Why did you lose everything?
If you feel you do really have a problem then get your GP and get referal for counselling.

skylerwhite Fri 02-Aug-13 15:16:14

Grumpy I was watching that thread, and unless there's other stuff going on that you haven't mentioned, I don't think you're the one being abusive. It sounds like it might be good for you to post on here, though, as you seem to be carrying a big burden. All the burdens, actually.

grumpyoldbat Fri 02-Aug-13 15:17:48

I had posted on a thread about how I'd be upset if DH ate what was meant for dinner leaving me without food. Another poster said I was being controling trying to ration food and was actually wanting him to go hungry. I don't want him to starve id.never realised how selfish I was being wanting to eat.

I really should be doing the dishes but thinking about how bad a wife I've been has triggered my anxiety so much the urge to cut myself is too strong to risk touching a knife.

I just hate myself do much, want to fix it but I keep failing. I'm working on earning more to buy mire but it takes so long.

ramonasinger Fri 02-Aug-13 15:18:18

grumpy my love, there is nothing abusive about you from what i have read on that thread, you are a loving, kind hard working lady who is doing her utmost to keep her family eating. Talk to us, its therapeutic, but i do not think you are being fair to yourself at all.

curlew Fri 02-Aug-13 15:18:48

Grumpy- I was on that thread. One person said you were abusive-'and she hadn't read the thread properly. Everyone else- and I mean everyone else said completely the opposite. Go back and read it. The get this thread deleted.

curlew Fri 02-Aug-13 15:21:51

And might I gently suggest that you might need real life help? Taking so seriously what somebody who obviously had their own agenda and who had misread the thread said suggests that you are quite fragile and could do with support.

Spero Fri 02-Aug-13 15:23:11

Sorry, there is obviously a lot more going on here than I know but I struggle to see how you are being 'abusive' if you worry your partner will eat all the food, leaving you with nothing. I would get quite anxious about that if it happened to me.

But I wouldn't be beating myself up about being 'abusive', rather I would be asking myself some questions about the levels of communication and respect between me and my partner, that such a situation could even arise.

I don't think any stranger on the Internet can ever give anyone a comprehensive diagnosis of their behaviour or relationship so please don't let one comment derail you so completely.

Easier said than done I know.

ramonasinger Fri 02-Aug-13 15:24:32

I am sorry you are feeling so bad about one persons unreasonable view on what you said, you are not abusive. I am rubbish at saying the right thing and i have no idea how you are feeling, as i am not you, but i really want you to know we do not think you are abusive. chin up, do you speak to your dh about what you are doing re the food? does he get it? if he does then i honestly think he is the one with a problem. I obvs do not know either of you and dont want to be unfair to him, but from what i have read i genuinely get the feeling you are not at fault.

theidiot Fri 02-Aug-13 15:24:37

I saw that thread, you're not being abusive getting upset at someone for eating what was supposed to be for dinner.

That's normal, its the person who's eating everything in the cupboards and fridge with no regard for the rest of the people in the house who needs pulling up not the person getting upset about it.

There's something going on around here recently, we've had quite bizarre responses to people asking for opinions about pretty reasonable things, I sincerely doubt any poster would gaily wave away the little inconvenience of her/his partner eating a dozen eggs and a haunch of ham leaving the rest of the house with nothing to eat.

I remember a few years back, a friend was telling me how her mother was incredibly pissed off at her brother and his girlfriend eating the ingredients so a Sunday roast fro breakfast leaving nothing for lunch. Presumably the posters jumping on you would shrug the lack of any lunch for anyone with 'Oh well they must have been starving and they're not overweight so I mustn't tell them they're being greedy thoughtless shits'.


skylerwhite Fri 02-Aug-13 15:25:13

Take some deep breaths, Grumpy. You don't need to cut yourself. Go outside for a powerwalk or do some exercise, it's a good way of channeling anxiety.

You clearly put your family first, you're not a bad wife at all, you are working and studying and putting food on the table every night.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 02-Aug-13 15:26:21

grumpy one poster had a particularly big bee in her bonnet, that doesn't mean she was right.

Please don't brood on this or do anything rash. You're a good person and one poster expressing their view only got a snapshot of one moment in your life and chose to home in on that. You've probably posted here long enough to know AIBU can get tricky sometimes and if you are feeling raw the wrong word at the wrong moment can really hit a nerve.

Keep going, walk away from the screen when things get too much, who needs it.

ramonasinger Fri 02-Aug-13 15:26:33

I definitely second the need for you to have some real life help. I am worried about you.

Wow - so someone called you abusive because you wanted to eat!???
Seriously? That is madness.
That was NOT abusive and please don't ever think that it is.
It's not selfish. You are doing all you can and providing for your family.
Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
I think you need to talk so someone about your anxiety and urges.
Go to your GP for referral and get some counselling, it should really help you.
Be kind to yourself, you have done NOTHING wrong!!

bestsonever Fri 02-Aug-13 15:35:59

It seems like you have picked out the one negative response out of lots of positives and decided that's the answer. Could this reflect a general tendency to focus on all the negatives in life? if there is, not surprising you are stressed. Somehow, finding a way to shift focus on positive aspects in life will bring you more balance - I'm no expert so I'm sure others can offer better advice on how to achieve this.
It is however, understandable that after a rough time in life you have come out the other side looking for what is wrong in life rather than being glad for what is right.

ramonasinger Fri 02-Aug-13 15:42:59

fact is, that person got the wrong end of the stick entirely about what you actually said. She seemed to get all kinds of information from thin air and then attributed a lot of things to you that you hadnt said, and actually had said the opposite.

I am not sure why that happened or how she bloody thought that it was reasonable to be such an utter cow, but you ARE NOT in any way at fault.

You are also entirely correct in thinking that if you are on a tight budget and meals are carefully planned to within an inch of their lives, that it is not ok for anyone to selfishly eat more than they need. This is entirely different from being controlling because you are abusive and because you get some kind of kick from it.

I gather the person giving you all this abuse entirely ignored the fact that you were not the op and you were also not suggesting dh do without so you could eat more. You are in a tricky position and money is tight obviously and you are being very self sacrificing by giving your dh more of your serving if he moans. I suggest that he hasnt got a clue you are doing this as i cannot fathom how he would allow you to do such a thing, if he did. How can he let you do that, really that is just not on, especially as you give him far more than you give yourself in the first place.

nenevomito Fri 02-Aug-13 15:46:03

grumpy - every time I see you on here it strikes me how incredibly vulnerable you are.

If one comment by one poster on a thread makes you want to harm yourself then that's a worry as you are exposing yourself to no end of silly people on-line.

You really, really need outside help with your appalling self-esteem and lack of self-worth. Your threads are about how people hate you and that you're stupid or how much you hate yourself. These are things that need real life help and intervention from real services.

Please can you go to your GP and ask for a referral to Mental Health services. You need proper professional help, grumpy, and that needs to come from RL.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep Fri 02-Aug-13 15:47:31

The poster shouting at you was very very weird indeed. You already give your husband more food than yourself, you give him more off your plate if he moans, but you can't afford to buy extra food so you end up going hungry.

And somebody managed to twist that into you starving your husband. Very bizarre.

If anything, I think you need to be more assertive with your husband about his meat-y expectations!

It seems there's a big back story here - have you been getting any help for your anxiety?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 02-Aug-13 15:48:02

bestsonever Fri 02-Aug-13 15:35:59

It seems like you have picked out the one negative response out of lots of positives and decided that's the answer. Could this reflect a general tendency to focus on all the negatives in life? if there is, not surprising you are stressed.

OP said,

I've been really struggling with stress and anxiety. Had a tough few years when we lost everything and now slowly building back up and trying hard to become more financially secure.

That tends to impact on how you react to criticism directed at you, bestsonever.

ArtexMonkey Fri 02-Aug-13 15:52:36

Agree with babyheave. You have been getting the same excellent advice on here for years op. when are you going to take it though?

Trazzletoes Fri 02-Aug-13 16:06:20

Gosh, it really sounds like you need to get to your GP. NOT so that you can get counselling for being abusive - there's a deluge of people here saying you aren't! But for the urge you are having to hurt yourself. You need help with that. Really. You do.

It sounds like you've been having a hell of a time x

grumpyoldbat Fri 02-Aug-13 16:09:10

We lost everything due to redundancy and awful benefits advice and the time it took to get a new job which was much lower paid than before.

We ended up homeless,all our savings used up and no money coming in before things started to turn a corner.

Things are better than that now obviously but money is still tight and budgeted to the last penny to avoid ending up in the pit again. I'm working long hours to try and get back on an even keel again and don't get much sleep because I fear it all going wrong again. So it does make me a bit tetchy. I also feel guilty that I didn't manage to prevent it getting so bad in the first place.

Some days I can look at how far we've come and feel some pride. Other days when I'm especially tired it doesn't take much for the stress and everything to overwhelm me.

The comments on that thread were the straw that broke the camels back after a tough week of paperwork and work issues that left me fearing it going wrong again.

curlew Fri 02-Aug-13 16:21:00

Why isn't your husband working?

grumpyoldbat Fri 02-Aug-13 16:26:02

We were both made redundant close together and he hasn't found anything yet. He does look after dds while I'm at work.

Vivacia Fri 02-Aug-13 16:29:50

What do you make of what Babyheave posted?

Eostre Fri 02-Aug-13 16:33:23

I'm so sorry that you're feeling like this, grumpy. i saw the other thread, and that particular poster was way off. As I understand it, you are planning and cooking the meals, making the budget, buying the food, and working very long hours to support your family and improve your situation. On top of that, and what has clearly been a very tough few years, you are going hungry so that all the rest of your family can eat. Calling that abusive is, imo, bonkers.
You are, frankly, being heroic.

grumpyoldbat Fri 02-Aug-13 16:35:15

I had actually made a GP appointment for today but cancelled it. Tbh I'm scared he tries to sign me off because need more than ssp. I'm also scared what my bosses would do if they found out which they would if I had a sick line.

LondonJax Fri 02-Aug-13 16:48:03

Explain to your GP that you can't afford to be signed off. There are lots of ways he/she can help you without you having to be signed off. Please reschedule the appointment and, if you haven't already spoken to them, have a chat with citizens advice. They can help you sort out finances to take a bit of pressure off of you - they hear stories like this all the time so they won't judge you.

curlew Fri 02-Aug-13 16:53:08

"We were both made redundant close together and he hasn't found anything yet. He does look after dds while I'm at work"

Why isn't be also doing the shopping and the cooking and absolutely everything else that needs to be done while you work 70 hours a week?

grumpyoldbat Fri 02-Aug-13 16:58:38

It's hard to explain I'm not sure I fully understand it myself. I find it terrifyingly difficult to admit in real life just how bad I feel. It's like failing even more to admit it. Even since childhood I've had to be the responsible one and was blamed for everything. I was told off for being emotional or struggling with something and told I was being selfish. To survive I learned to bottle it up and always be the 'strong' one, the responsible one.

Thing is I've never felt strong, my mum taught me to hate myself and doubt myself. This self doubt has sometimes helped me to fail eg chicken out of speaking up in RL.

On here it's like there's an extra layer of protection. I can risk admitting how bad I feel to release a bit of the pressure and make it a little easier to pretend I'm fine in RL.

grumpyoldbat Fri 02-Aug-13 17:01:29

Thanks for listening got to go to work now so not ignoring you. Will try and reply tomorrow some time.

Just thinking about how to word that last post has helped me calm down a bit.

FairPhyllis Fri 02-Aug-13 17:05:07

grumpy, I haven't seen anything to indicate that you are abusive. What I took away from that thread, although I didn't say it there, is that your dh is being enormously selfish by eating whatever he wants without considering the family budget and what's been planned for mealtimes.

I am wondering whether a fair amount of your stress is caused by him not doing his fair share of cooking, meal planning, shopping and other household duties, tbh.

sparkle12mar08 Fri 02-Aug-13 17:32:15

Grumpy, it's not you doing the abusing here, frankly. Your husband chooses to eat more food than he knows the budget can sustain, and he chooses to leave you to go hungry. That is abusive yes. To you. Can't you see that? Please don't let the poster from the other thread pull you down any further. You are drowning under a sea of responsibility that isn't all yours and which your H doesn't seem to be shouldering his fair share of tbh. He is not suporting you, loving you, cherishing you, encouraging you, is he? He's living off you, and sucking the very life and spirit out of you by the sounds of it.

Please get that doctors appointment and be honest. I'm very worried about you tbh.

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 02-Aug-13 17:45:09

Grumpy, I don't wish to turn your post into a thread about a thread and a personal attack on the poster in question so I'm going to be quite careful with what I say other than,

It is not you who is abusive.

BOF Fri 02-Aug-13 18:00:24

You really need to snap out of this wahwahwah woe-is-me stuff on message boards and get some proper psychiatric help.

Nobody here can help you with the magic balm of soothing words, because your mind twists everything people say into an attack.

Go to the doctors. It is urgent.

ParsingFancy Fri 02-Aug-13 18:09:51

grumpy, if thinking through how to word things is helping you get to grips with them, please do keep posting.

BOF's right that you could also do with some RL help.

AnyFucker Fri 02-Aug-13 18:12:59

grumpy an anonymous message board is only going to fuck you up further because you are obviously not equipped to deal with any negative comments or apply a temporary salve when the majority of kind folk post something supportive

unfortunately though, your neediness and negativity is going to gradually erode that

you need RL support, from professionals love

are you taking any steps at all to seek that ?

minkembernard Fri 02-Aug-13 18:53:16

Op if you were abusive you would be saving he deserved it and he made you do it.

If you go to the GP they cannot sign you off against your will . you have to consent to anything they do.

perhaps if dh did the shopping, planning and cooking then he would be more aware of the budget as it would be up to him to make sure there was enough food for everyone.

also check with a benefits advice agency just in case there is something you could be getting but are not.

ramonasinger Fri 02-Aug-13 18:58:09

BOF the other thread did have someone making very uncalled for judgements on grumpy.

I have no prior knowledge of grumpy and her issues before today, but the other person was very nasty and horrible and i just despair that people dont realise when someone is struggling and clearly on the edge.

I do second that talking to someone in real life will be the best plan though as we cannot help you other than being supportive and telling you that other poster was bang out of order.

curlew Fri 02-Aug-13 19:12:25

One nasty and horrid person. About a million supportive people.

minkembernard Fri 02-Aug-13 19:19:26

grumpy have just been reading other thread and i see you say dh won't get involved in weekly budget.
i think you may have to insist he does even if it just a challenge for on week so he gets a dose of reality.
if get expects to eat he should expects to participate.
and if you are working 80 hours per week you probably need more calories than him not less.

i hope things get better soon op as this kinda thing really does grind you down.
good luck with your course. and i think you are right to be proud of all you have done and are doing to get your family back on

Biscuitsareme Fri 02-Aug-13 19:37:01

I second those posters questioning the division of work in your household. Why can't your OH do budgeting/shopping/ cooking + child care while you do the long-hours paid job?

Also, yes to you having at least as much food as your OH, since you're doing said long-hours paid job!

McBalls Fri 02-Aug-13 19:54:19

I think, possibly, you're not actually taking negative comments to heart as such.
You said a few posts back that 'I'd never realised how selfish I was being wanting to eat' and I don't think you really believe that.
Is it more that you you need validation and sympathy and there-there's? I don't think any of that will help, you need real, proper professional input.
You don't have to feel like this, it really can get better.

Portofino Fri 02-Aug-13 20:42:19

You have received some sterling advice on here over the last couple of years. Why oh why do you never take any of it? Your dh is an arse, and you need professional help with your self esteem. It was ever thus. Mumsnet is a lovely supportive place but it can't help you if you continue to ignore the advice and just focus on the negative all the time. In fact I think it as a bad effect as you can just "wallow" a little and never actually do anything about the cause of the problem. I mean that in the kindest possible way.

CorrineFoxworth Fri 02-Aug-13 20:42:33

I'm over from the other thread to add my support. I don't know about your posting history but you were unfairly attacked by just one person.

It does sound like you need real life support though. You can't go on being a people-pleaser, most of them are cunts grin

Hope to see you when you finish work smile

ArtexMonkey Sat 03-Aug-13 13:28:01

I don't think op is working 80 hours per week right now, fwiw, I think on the other thread she said that that's what she would be doing when she started her nursing course.

Although I do not see how, if you are so fragile that stupid comments from Internet randoms have you wanting to self harm, and seemingly every rl interaction leaves you feeling diminished and rejected, you are going to cope with nursing, don't you need to be a bit robust, able to compartmentalise, not take things personally, that kind of thing?

Another reason why it's a very good long term idea to get help then. Well anyway.

TiredFeet Sat 03-Aug-13 13:49:21

wow, of course you are not being abusive. we meal plan to stick within budget and I would be boiling mad if DH ate our tea leaving me with nothing! (and I could afford to go out and buy more but I would still be cross!)

you sound like you having done amazingly well and fought very hard to recover from a real low point and it has taken its toll. Its not a sign of weakness to seek help, it is a sign of how strong you have been. If you are scared of being signed of sick have you got any annual leave you could take? even a long weekend might help you feel like you have been able to press 'pause' and take stock a little / take care of yourself. and maybe arrange counselling (gps / employers might help with this) so you can have someone to talk to rather than bottling it all up.

grumpyoldbat Sun 04-Aug-13 19:57:09

Sorry I've not replied had quick turn around from back shift Friday to long early shift Saturday Sunday.

For me doing this course is doing something to fix things. I can get a qualification, a chance of a career eventually and a chance of a better paid job to move forward with getting on an even keel financially.

I already have a job where we get abuse from the public. It's easier to brush that off because I can talk myself that it's my job title they are abusing not me personally.

I know people think I imagine it but I don't imagine the nasty things that have been said in the past. Now I've been forced to think about it it is these things I remember not nice things. It's like the memory of the bad things wipe out the memory of the good.

At some point in my teens I lost faith in my ability to tell who was genuinely being nice and who was being snide so I tend to treat nice comments with suspicion to scared to trust again. It's the same reason I avoid I avoid going out socially because I don't trust my judgement to know what to say when to say and who to say things to. I never got my chance to make my mistakes as a teenager.

I was referred for CBT well over a year ago but was told the waiting list was a few years so haven't really thought about it since.

ParsingFancy Sun 04-Aug-13 20:24:23

Hope this weekend's work hasn't been too hideous, grumpy.

That's very familiar, about the negative memories being stronger than the positive ones. It's quite typical with depression, I think.

It does sound like you have a huge backlog of Stuff, as well as current difficult financial circumstances, to be dealing with. You're doing a sterling job of bravely carrying on, but it's a huge burden dragging you down at the moment.

Can you chase up with the GP where you are in the CBT waiting list? And that you're actually on it?

ParsingFancy Sun 04-Aug-13 20:27:27

And I know that you're worried about time off, but it's at least worth making time for the GP appointment.

If it helps, write stuff down to show the doctor - you've made a good start already with what you've written on your threads.

GPs aren't miracle workers, of course, but at least see where it takes you.

Wellwobbly Sun 04-Aug-13 20:34:01

Grumpy, there are two things which say you are a good person in touch with reality:

1. you have had the courage to take on board that you have been abusive

2. you are ashamed.

This is a very old fashioned and out of touch comment, but it is the repentence that makes for humanity, not perfection.

You have a lot of humanity OP flowers. Hold his hand in bed tonight.

ParsingFancy Sun 04-Aug-13 20:54:35

Wobbly, grumpy hasn't been abusive to her DH - she's actually been going without food so her DH can have more than her.

A poster on another thread started projecting her own issues big time and hurling around groundless, persistent and frankly bonkers accusations.

Wellwobbly Sun 04-Aug-13 21:00:32

Parsing, you are right. Calm down with your own projections, mind! (and what, exactly, is wrong with holding someone's hand? Do tell.)

Grumpy, I didn't phrase that very well. Just wanted to reassure you that the people who worry, are actually the people who are in touch with reality and the people who CAN make a change. You are a hero.

But, perhaps you shouldn't be such a hero? If you talk to him about doing more/hand over the weekly budget for him to manage,

what would he do?

Just know that you have lots of MNetters on your side through this...

skylerwhite Sun 04-Aug-13 21:20:22

Wellwobbly wtf? confused

BOF Sun 04-Aug-13 22:24:24

Grumpy, didn't you have counselling a few years ago? How did that work out? Is there a possibility you can get back in touch with mental health services? Do you have a CPN?

Wellwobbly Mon 05-Aug-13 16:01:33

Skyler, people who worry are people who care (and get better).
People who blame are fuckwits who stay stuck.

Neurotic v character disorder debate.

So although OP is feeling overwhelmed, those feelings/pain are what are going to propel her into a better situation, whether it is to let go of being the hero and let go of bearing all the burden, sit down and have a talk with H, or admit she needs outside support.

H can sit because OP has it covered, can't you see? So her desperation now is a clue. To her.

In other words, even though she is feeling at the end of her tether and desperate, it isn't defeat; it is a chance to address what she can control, her own coping mechanisms

Have people taken a stupid pill or something?

grumpyoldbat Mon 05-Aug-13 16:05:34

bof it was the counsellor who made my referral for CBT. I don't have a CPN.

Secretswitch Mon 05-Aug-13 16:20:15

Honey, I read that entire thread. Please do not take the ramblngs of another poster to heart. From my perspective, there was a huge disconnect between what you were saying and her responses. The other poster also said she had issues of her own she was coping with.
For what it's worth, we are on a very tight budget too. My stomach knots up when I see a family member munching away on a particular item I had planned to use in a particular dish. It is very disheartening.
I hope you are feeling better..

skylerwhite Mon 05-Aug-13 16:30:51

^Skyler, people who worry are people who care (and get better).
People who blame are fuckwits who stay stuck.^

How illuminating. Cripes.

BOF Mon 05-Aug-13 20:26:36

This service should be very useful to you, as it provides CBT therapy without the lengthy waiting list. You can do it at a time that's convenient to you too.

ArtexMonkey Tue 06-Aug-13 13:05:06

That CBT telephone service sounds great.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now