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My DP left on Saturday. Help please!

(131 Posts)
Mips Thu 01-Aug-13 15:00:54

Hi. A friend recommended MN and I have been reading posts which have helped my situation.
My long term DP left on Saturday. Whilst we had problems, it has come as a shock. Does anyone have any tips for getting through the day in the early days? I have 2 children, 10 and 6. Thank you in advance.

ImperialBlether Thu 01-Aug-13 15:09:50

I'm so sorry you've had a shock. Did he give a reason for leaving?

Are your two children his? If so you'll have to continue to see him, won't you? If not, will he/they want to see each other?

tribpot Thu 01-Aug-13 15:12:19

How are you sorted financially? That's probably the first thing to get started on. I'm assuming you're still in the home and he has left?

How are the children managing?

Mips Thu 01-Aug-13 15:27:15

Thank you for replies. Yes, the children are his. He is continuing to pay the mortgage so we can stay here. He has bought another house nearby. He is an accountant and has helped with organising finances. I called Tax Credits yesterday. I work part time. Luckily I'm on holiday just now.
Our relationship has been difficult for a while due to his reluctance to seek help for his depression. He has many issues including his childhood, social anxiety, and more. He literally became a recluse in our home. He said he felt trapped in life. He thinks of hiself as a loser and often said he didnt want to wake up in the morning. Ive tried helping but he just wanted to be left alone. Ive contemplated leaving but always thought we could work things out. He says he doesnt like how he was treating us and that by distancing himself from us he could try and sort himself out.
Trouble is he says he is regretting it already and broke down. I took the 'non desperation' route and said i welcomed the split as we both needed time apart to see what we really want. Whilst i have some sense of relief, i miss him so much.i just feel so miserable.
My youngest child thinks its a novelty staying over at dad's. My eldest is quieter and ever the diplomat.

Mips Thu 01-Aug-13 17:21:01

He is about to arrive and collect the children for their first night over at his. I am crumbling inside.

Vivacia Thu 01-Aug-13 17:55:57

Him leaving on Saturday was a shock, yet he's bought a house?

Vivacia Thu 01-Aug-13 17:57:46

How would you feel about telling him that you are missing him so much, but you realise some time apart is a good idea. Would that be true?

Have either or both of you tried counselling? It sounds like it might be a help. Unless there is more to come, it doesn't sound like he is a bad person, just a mixed up, miserable one who needs to sort himself out.

I know he is reluctant to get help but would it be easier to persuade him if it were relationship counselling rather than focussing on him? It might be a start and if he finds it useful, it might spur him on to sort himself out. Then again, you might have to go it alone for a bit because he might be so low that he thinks nothing will help.

Sorry you are having to deal with this though. sad

Mips Thu 01-Aug-13 19:18:56

Vivacia, he has a house he bought a while back as an investment for the children's future which we have been doing up. He's living in a mess tbh.
I told him i am missing him but feel relief and welcome a break. He says he needs this time too.
BBB, i havent suggested counselling as i am sure the answer will be no. He won't go to see about his depression either. He is self medicating sadly.
He is trying to consider my feelings but he still wants to be apart (after his weak moment yesterday).
It was hard hearing my faults which he declares didn't help the relationship. It took my bf to say that perhaps he was right in some respects.
He was also very morose and could be quite nasty when he was on a real low.
I'm still in shock. When willl i start to feel better? I want to be a happy shiny person again.

Mips Thu 01-Aug-13 19:21:50

bf - best friend

tribpot Thu 01-Aug-13 19:35:20

Well it's too soon realistically to think you're going to start to feel better, or over it, anyway.

How is he self-medicating depression? That doesn't sound good at all.

He can't be leaning on you during the split, telling you one minute he regrets it and the next minute he doesn't. I'm guessing if he was a recluse he doesn't have many friends to talk about it? Maybe suggest he joins a forum (er, prob not MN!) to get some online support if he won't reach out. But you need to put you first. You've got an opportunity to pamper yourself a little bit whilst the kids are away - what fun thing can you do this evening that will feed your soul? Do you have any funny TV to watch? Comedy can really help at a time like this.

Mips Thu 01-Aug-13 22:52:01

Tribpot, thank you for your reply. He is taking ADs which were mine when i had anxiety after my parents died. He refuses to go to oyr GP even though I've told the GP all about him.
He has one good friend but he lives a distance away. He really only speaks to his mum, and i think he needs someone outside family. May suggest a forum.
Someone suggested to me he may have AS. Might look into that.
Still struggling to get my head around him leaving without me having any idea.
I feel better having told a friend tonight. Was good to talk as i suffer anxiety it did help.

Mips Fri 02-Aug-13 07:19:25

Ive just woken up and reality hit. The children not here and being alone. Feel awful.

funnymummyspeaks Fri 02-Aug-13 07:33:10

Hang on in there, it will get easier and you never know what the future will bring. My DH and I parted company for nearly 3 years when our DD was 18mo, when the time was right we started again and have now been happily married for 4 years!! As hard as it feels right now, space will help you both figure out what you want from the future and only when you are both free of blame and anger will you be able to move forward, either separately or together!!! Thinking of you smile x

tribpot Fri 02-Aug-13 07:40:13

Keep going - try to keep busy whilst they're not there. They'll be back today, I think?

Presumably his efforts to self-medicate using your ADs are limited by the stock you have left and at that point he will have to make his own choices about what comes next.

There's no need for you to investigate if he might have AS, he is not your problem to fix. It's not productive for you to be focusing your efforts on him instead of on yourself.

Mips Fri 02-Aug-13 13:33:35

Thanks. The children are back and fine. Since he left on Saturday he has seen us every day. Starting tonight will be the last time we meet until Tuesday. I dont know how i will manage. As he was a literally a recluse, he was always at home apart from gym and dog walks and work.
Since he left he is already talking about joining clubs again but when i suggested it he said no.
I feel so lonely even though my friends are rallying round. In the last 5 years i lost my mum syddenly, then my dad and now this.

Mips Fri 02-Aug-13 17:32:41

How can i stip myself from texting him?

YvyB Fri 02-Aug-13 17:39:23

Hello Mips. Mine left 10 days ago. Having the same how do I stop myself texting battle. I'm sitting on my hands and posting on MN instead :D

Vivacia Fri 02-Aug-13 19:49:05

I hope it's not too late, but in a similar situation I've changed the number or email address behind the name and written the texts/email anyway. I found indulging the forbidden fantasy in a safe way very helpful.

Mips Fri 02-Aug-13 20:06:32

Not too late, lol. I didnt text. He did asking if he can pick up the dog at 8.30. I left it a while then lightheartedly said yup, no probs, just out shopping. He text straight back with some witty shopping joke. I didnt reply. Hes about to arrive. What do i do, or not do? Going to be hard as i wont see him till tuesday for child contact?

Vivacia Fri 02-Aug-13 21:01:10

Well done on not replying, try not to send the last text, only text if you really have to.
Has he been? What did you do.

Mips Fri 02-Aug-13 21:25:55

Still not here an hour late! He was plasyering a wall but surely he could keep track of time!

Vivacia Fri 02-Aug-13 21:29:54

Hmmm. What time do you want to go to bed? I'm an early bird, but I wouldn't want anyone visiting after 9, and he's in that category now.

Mips Fri 02-Aug-13 22:07:54

He arrived just as i posted. He had been at B&Q cutting wood! He said he was upset about coming round as he was feeling sad today. Ive tried to stay aloif.

Vivacia Fri 02-Aug-13 22:12:11

"Aloof"? I think that's a good thing - keep a bit of distance, keep your dignity and try to put up some barriers to protect your feelings.

I hope you're ok.

Mips Fri 02-Aug-13 22:56:58

Yes, aloof, lol. My big sausage fingers on my phone!
Thank you for your replies.

Mips Sat 03-Aug-13 09:50:50

My youngest got very upset when he left. Made me very sad. We hadnt planned to see him till Tuesday but now he is seeing them today while i meet my cousin who is a lawyer and is helping me.
My DP got upset seeing my DC upset. Finding this all too hard.

Vivacia Sat 03-Aug-13 10:23:54

It'll be so hard, but not too hard that you can't cope. Getting some advice sounds very sensible. Is your cousin specialised in this area?

Mips Sat 03-Aug-13 10:28:56

Not really but she has some knowledge.
I miss him so much. Its taking all my strength not to just run to his house and tell him. Feel so low.

Vivacia Sat 03-Aug-13 11:29:16

A couple of days ago he seemed to be having second thoughts. How does he seem now, or have you just not really seen him to talk to?

Mips Sat 03-Aug-13 12:51:59

Seen him but he seems to be expelling all his energies renovating the house. Not sure how he feels but when he messages me they are fun and friendly. Very confused.

JustBecauseICan Sat 03-Aug-13 15:54:15

What actual reason has he given for leaving? What does he actually say? You seem to have had a lot of contact in a week given that he has "left"
Was there some kind of row? Because if he is certain of wanting to be away from you, then all this coming round and texting is doing you nothing but harm. He may see it as being kind and caring towards you and the children, but I guess that all you are thinking is that it might mean he wants you back. Which of course it might, but you need to get to the bottom of why he left in the first place really. Is there someone else? Was there? And now the reality of what he has done has hit?

It is possible he thinks he has made a mistake but is trying to give himself space to think about it or he genuinely doesn't know what to do (even more likely if he does have AS). It sounds like he is as muddled about the whole thing as you. Maybe he has had a bit of a breakdown - who knows?

FWIW I think you are doing the right thing by staying friendly but distant, Mips. If he has made a mistake he needs to come to that conclusion himself, sort himself out wrt to the depresssion and apologise so that you are able to then move forward together in putting things right. You don't want him coming back out of pity because you begged him or appeared not to be coping without him, which could happen the way things are at the moment. He doesn't seem convinced he should have gone.

Lets hope if he has made a mistake he doesn't leave it so long to come clean that you have moved on because you can't wait around for him. You have to take control of your own life which is what you seem to be doing. I think you are being very strong about it all. smile

Mips Sat 03-Aug-13 22:18:00

Justbecause, thank you for reply. He left according to him, because he didnt like what his depressive moods was doing to the family. He said that i was stubborn and would not agree to moving when he hated living here (we have a neighbour from hell). He said living here ate him up every day and i did not consider his feelings. Partly true but my main reason was my kids being in school catchment and close to friends. There is and has never been OW. He was a recluse and never went out. He also suffers social anxiety.
Bertha, thank you for reply. I think you may be right.he is giving himself space away from the family home and thinking about what he wants. I decided to meet friends earlier and as youngest DC was missing him, he agreed to look after them. I went out and had a good old natter with good friends who supported me. On my return he looked fed up and looked sad. I said it didnt have to be like this and left. He was looking glum as he watched us drive away.
I think he is having a mid life crisis. I feel relief to be away from the stress if our relationship but at the same time i hope he takes time to evaluate his own self. I wrote a letter but didnt send it. Helped writing my feelings down.

Mips Sat 03-Aug-13 22:18:43

were doing to the family

Mips Sun 04-Aug-13 00:30:26

My 10 year old son has just come downstairs asking when i'm coming to bed as he doesnt feel safe upstairs. This is new and when i asked why, he broke down saying he just wants his daddy back. He has been brave all week since DP left. I've comforted him but don't know what to do. Why am i having to deal with this? Should i tell DP about DS or keep quiet. Feel so much for my DC. Its not what i ever wanted for them.

Vivacia Sun 04-Aug-13 07:07:43

I would tell him, not in a way of getting him back but so as to make him take responsibility for his actions.

Mips Sun 04-Aug-13 11:06:44

I emailed him but now wishing i hadnt. Hope he doesnt see it as emotional blackmail. I just am at a loss how to deal with it all. I sent it half an hour ago. No reply yet.

Vivacia Sun 04-Aug-13 12:03:26

I think he needs to know, otherwise you end up bearing the brunt of everything. How did you describe it? Factually or emotionally? Did you just inform him or did you ask for something such as, "please talk to him as soon as you can and reassure him..."?

Mips Sun 04-Aug-13 14:15:51

It was factual but friendly. He has replied with tips how to help him. He then ended it with tell him i love him and miss him, then a X (kiss).
Ive replied saying i miss him too. Probably wrong thing to do.

Vivacia Sun 04-Aug-13 14:22:06

I don't think it was the wrong thing to do. I think it's important to be in authentic with your feelings and just try to survive each day.

No I don't think it's wrong either. I think if you can let him know your feelings without putting any pressure on him that is a good thing. If the door is still open for him then he needs to know. Whether he goes through that door should be his choice though.

I agree he also needs to see the bigger picture of what he has done. He is a grown up, he has to deal with it and not pretend that other people aren't affected by this too. He may be going through a difficult time but he isn't alone in that. You are too. A bit of a reality check really.

morethanpotatoprints Sun 04-Aug-13 14:37:25

Hello OP

you said in one of your posts that it took your best friend to point out to you your shortcomings was this just in general or the way you behaved with your dh.
I ask because I too lost my parents the same as you, 5/6 years ago and have been told by friends and family that my behaviour hasn't been me at all.
If your anxiety is related to this? maybe counselling would be a good idea for you and would most definitely help you during this time without your dh.
I am sorry you are going through this and can sympathise so much. Others are right that you need time to sort through this and no matter how hard it will be your dh needs time away too. I think you both sound mixed up right now, but it will get better.

Mips Sun 04-Aug-13 17:55:44

Thank you everyone.
Poptatop, my mood and behaviour has changed. My mum died suddenly from heart problem and then i had to partly care for my fathet with alzheimers till he died 2 years ago. I just felt sad all the time and felt i was suddenly an adult and in charge. I suppose i have become stubborn and also given up on aspects of my life. I suppose my dp felt i gave up on him. I do love him as he was my rock during that time. He told me i had to realise that showing love wasnt always about physical but about the things we do.
He didnt reply to the i miss you text but he did send a text asking if i needed anything from aldi!

Vivacia Sun 04-Aug-13 18:23:30

Aw. It's difficult to guess whether he's missing you or trying to reach a new relationship based on friendship. It all reads as quite a confusing situation to be in. How are you feeling a week on?

Mips Sun 04-Aug-13 19:51:26

He has contacted me to ask if he can come round. Says he wants a fishing rod from the garage. Thats every day we have seen him. What can i do? I want to see him but its too painful when he leaves. I just want to say please stay and dont leave.
Ive written a letter explaining about my parents and how it has affected me.

Vivacia Sun 04-Aug-13 20:01:57

Are you going to send the letter?

I wonder if you need to be less obliging? Let him experience what a separation actually feels like? Perhaps you could reply something like, "If this is what's happening then we need to get in to a routine of shared parenting. As for collecting your belongings, shall we agree for you to come and clear the house on Saturday 17th?".

Vivacia Sun 04-Aug-13 20:02:56

Sorry, that's a bit rubbish, but I'm thinking about making it clear that he can't just pop 'round to your house and that contact won't be cosy, it'll be civil and business-like.

JustBecauseICan Sun 04-Aug-13 20:19:45

I don't think this is very fair on you, or the children, this almost constant contact when actually, he has decided to leave you all!

I am guessing that deep down inside, every time he does contact you, or come round, you get a tiny bit more hopeful that things will be OK and you can get back to being a normal family?

Do you think his wanting to leave and his depression and MH issues are part and parcel of the same issue?

You are clearly hurting inside and it must be so hard if there haven't been rows, or precedent behaviour from him to give you an inkling there was something wrong with your marriage to accept what is happening now, but he really needs to be made to see that this is unfair on you and your children. He either goes, or he comes back. If you are clinging to hope that it will all be OK (and you would be a harder woman than most of us if you weren't) then just think about the children. Dad coming round constantly, talking to Mum constantly, calling, being helpful.....if he then doesn't come back properly, they will be gutted, even more than they already are. He needs to understand that I think.

NanaNina Sun 04-Aug-13 20:22:32

So sorry for you, your DP and the children. To be honest I think the main thing is that he gets help for his depression. I suffer from intermittent depression and know the torment of this illness. It's no good him taking ADs that were prescribed for you. ADs can be very effective treatment for depression. I know you can't physically get him to the GP but I would try to encourage you.

It sounds to me like he has separated himself physically from you (and this was made easy for him as you already have this house) but not practically or emotionally. I definitely think he should know about the effect he is having on the children. Maybe you can work out some middle road that means the children feel more secure, as it certainly sounds you still care about each other.

It's such a shame that depression is ruining his life, when it can be treated. Well at least the symptoms can be treated but not the underlying cause.

JustBecauseICan Sun 04-Aug-13 20:22:57

I am also not sure you need to be explaining your feelings/behaviour about losing your beloved parents so close together to him....are you somehow taking the blame here for his wanting out? Yes, I was a shit partner because I was going through shit?

It doesn't work like that. Shit happens to good gentle people, and you come across very much as one of those smile You say you have basically handheld for years with this man and his depression and isolation, to the point of colluding with him to self administer highly dangerous antids, and now he leaves and you are writing to him to tell him why your behaviour may not have been what he wanted? That's all skewed.

Tubemole1 Sun 04-Aug-13 20:35:49

Your ExP sounds like my husband in his behaviour, low self worth, depression, uneven personality, but my husband is undiagnosed despite his entire family knowing the signs... all of his side of the family has some personality quirk. Its fookin hard work to live with, and I can't predict when he will go apeshit next. He's never physical and is calm with our daughter, but his irrational personality really pees me off at times. He won't go to counselling either.

The thing is, we still care for our OHs don't we?

I have no advice really, as sometimes I feel like such a sap staying put, but what to do?

MissStrawberry Sun 04-Aug-13 20:45:43

Please tell him to stop taking your ADs. Everyone knows you shouldn't take medication prescribed for someone else and he needs to get proper support and treatment on his own issues. If he doesn't tell the GP he has been taking your tablets then starts on others it could be a problem.

NanaNina Sun 04-Aug-13 22:22:40

I do have a problem with posters being so definitive about a relationship about which they know so little - just a few lines of text on a screen. JBIC you obviously don't know how horrible depression is and it seems this man has had a chronic depression for many years and it is a really awful illness. It makes you feel empty and flat and not able to be interested in life in general and he has moved out so that he is not inflicting his misery on his family. I hardly think he can be blamed.

I think the OP and her partner and the children are all hurting and apportioning blame is not the way to go, well that's my opinion anyway. If you haven't experienced depression you can have no understanding of how bad it makes you feel. People say they are "depressed" when they mean just they are fed up. There is absolutely no comparison.

I think OP you should go ahead and do what you feel is right because only you know what has been going on between the 2 of you and the causes. I know you post on here (like others) for advice but I just can't bear it when people get into blaming mode as problems in a relationship are never one sided - I think the trouble is the dynamics of a relationship do tend to get "set in concrete" over the years and makes change difficult.

I really hope that you two can come to some resolution or find a middle road where you can make sure the children feel more secure. Above all your partner needs to see a GP to get help with the depression.

Vivacia Sun 04-Aug-13 22:41:06

Good post Nina, a well-timed reminder.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 04-Aug-13 22:50:45

I am sorry you lost both parents within 5 years, now this crisis. Grief and mourning can have a sort of ripple effect that amplify any existing or emerging problems. Sadly depression also distorts the sufferer's perspective. He may have held back from voicing any unhappiness initially; he was, you say, your 'rock'.

Now the pendulum has swung the other way. Your DP managed to articulate all your faults and shortcomings - however magnified - to show some of his dragging misery around was 'your fault'. Of course you know this is wrong and if he were in his right mind, he'd say so.

Right now he will veer between missing you all terribly but simultaneously longing for space to assemble his thoughts in an energy sapping fog.

His daily presence in the home must have been like a black cloud. He would not go to a GP so you and the children have lived with this as long as he has yet I wonder if he has ever reproached you thus,
"You don't know what it's like for me..."?

I feel so sorry for your eldest DS trying to stay brave for you and underneath it all very wobbly. Tell him you miss Daddy too but right now Daddy isn't well and is trying to sort things out. Children can cope better at his age if you admit to not having all the answers better than they can deal with evasiveness or untruths.

If DP can be persuaded to seek professional help he can start afresh, together or apart from you. You do have a say in this relationship's future, don't be left stranded.

Mips Mon 05-Aug-13 00:00:29

Thank you all for your wonderful replies with very valuable and heartfelt advice. You have enable me to begin to make some sense of my situation. Let me address some of your questions....
Vivacia, regards the letter (well more information about me and how I have been feeling), I gave it to him as he left this evening.
Regards to his belongings, he took them all when he moved out. I had returned from a break away with my friend and our children, to discover he had packed up and taken them to the other house. Of course, it was mainly just clothes, computer, spare TV, sofa bed and the like. He bought second hand bunkbeds for the children from Gumtree.
justbecause, yes, I do think every time he comes round there is hope but on reflection it could be him being unable to break away as he has no one else close by or I know he loves the children dearly. His depression has a lot to do with him leaving. As someone mentioned, he is constantly in a fog. However, I do think distancing himself has allowed him some relief.
nananina, you hit the nail on the head! It is a shame depression is ruining his life when it can be treated. His mum is of the belief that their family cope and don't need medication, so his reluctance stems from this belief.
I know I am currently in blame mode. I suppose I'm trying to look at the main reasons for him leaving. I suffer from a health anxiety, of which I've revived CBT. He has offered me support throughout this (since the birth of our children). However, I keep thinking perhaps this with my stubborn nature, has led to him leaving as we'll as his depression. Suppose I'm clutching at staws right now.
tubemole, thank you for understanding and I'm sorry you are suffering too.
missstrawberry, I have said to him that perhaps now is a good opportunity to see the GP. I have also spoken to our GP and told him about the situation. It means if he does make an appt, then the GP is prepared.
donkeys, funnily enough, tonight he said that he was sorry to apportion blame, and explained that I was only a very small part of his unhappiness and that he didn't want to appear to be blaming me. He admitted his difficulties and other aspects of his life such as feeling trapped in this house next to the neighbour from hell, his jealousy of his older more successful sibling, his disappointment in his lack of achievement (financial).
Living with him was like a black cloud. I would be apprehensive on a daily basis about what mood he would be in. Good thing is he had a chat with my eldest tonight about him feeling unsafe in the house at night. My son then said he only felt safe when daddy was upstairs and when could he come home. My DPs reply was "not at the moment, son". I suppose that's my answer really.
I did manage to chat to him tonight but I think I took it too far by asking when he could see himself coming back. He said he couldn't take all these questions right now. He said it took a lot of strength to leave and he wasn't going to move back right now as he needed space. I asked if he would ever move back. Bad move on my part (desperation crept in unfortunately) and he was very reserved about answering.
So back to square one really. Wanting him home but him needing space :0(

Mips Mon 05-Aug-13 09:00:34

Woke this morning to the realisation that he isnt coming back any time soon.

NanaNina Mon 05-Aug-13 10:10:05

I think Mips you might become more reconciled to the situation over time. Your emotions are all very raw at the moment and they will be many and varied. It sounds like your DP moved out when you were away and so this must have been a big shock. Maybe that was the only way he could do it. You did say every day was like a "black cloud" and you would be apprehensive about his mood. You might find that you feel more at ease, but it is all going to take time. You have suffered a loss and this doesn't have to be a bereavement, and you will feel all sorts of emotions, denial, sadness, anger, frustration etc and the emotions dodge about, but eventually most people come to some form of acceptance. You must allow your emotions to come and cry if you are sad and talk to people about how you feel, as this can help, rather than bottle it all up. I always find writing down what I feel helps, and this could be good for you - sort of gets it out of your head onto paper.

I don't think you should keep asking if he is coming back. As he said it took a lot of strength to move out and having done that he is having the space he felt he needed. I am sympathetic to him because of his depression and maybe he thinks that if he lives alone it will ease, but I doubt this will happen, in fact it may well get worse.

You can't expect to feel anything other than sadness at him moving out, it is very early days. As time goes by you will have other emotions and they will come and go. I still think he has separated himself from you in the sense that he has moved out but I think he is still emotionally attached to you. Give him the space he wants Mips and try to take care of yourself. He should help with the care of the children and talk to them about why he has moved out (in an age appropriate way) of course because some children think it's their fault when their parents separate. Incidentally I didn't think you were in blaming mode - I was referring to another poster.

Mips Mon 05-Aug-13 11:32:21

Thanks NanaNina. Your words were exactly appropriate for me this morning. I'm grateful.
I think I do need to stop and let him have the space he needs, hard as it may be. Otherwise it may appear as hounding him and push him even further away. His brother told me to give him space, and perhaps he will see what he had and miss it. But I can't force that upon him. He needs to decide.
My friend invited me into town today but I can't face crowds right now so my DC and I are going out locally. It's my youngest's birthday this week so I said he could go to pick a present and his cake.
DP has taken his birthday off so we can have a day out.
I gave him the letter last night as he left. I added info about how I think things went wrong and solutions to help mend them. Don't know if this was the right thing to do.
However, this morning he emailed me thanking me for the letter. Nothing other than a thank you.

Vivacia Mon 05-Aug-13 14:15:48

I agree with your brother. Give him space, but also give him a very realistic picture of what it's going to be like. You're not going to be old housemates where he can pop 'round for a cuppa.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 05-Aug-13 14:23:03

I think Vivacia was spot on earlier when she said why not show your feelings, be authentic. Your anxiety issue can't be helped while everything is unsettled.

For now do as NanaNina suggests, give him space. But it wouldn't be fair of him to assume you'd adjust or be unaffected long term. Buying beds for the DCs and popping over shows he hasn't absolved himself of all responsibilities but as he himself observed in days gone by, 'it's in our actions we show love'. I think you should set a time limit in your head and if he still hasn't arranged to see a GP, to get a formal diagnosis and treatment, I would question whether he has any intention of so doing.

Incidentally are you also affected by 'neighbour from hell'?

JustBecauseICan Mon 05-Aug-13 19:16:33


JustBecauseICan Mon 05-Aug-13 19:16:59

(OP had lost the thread so am bumping it for her)

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 05-Aug-13 19:21:17

Nudge, bump, hope OP sees it.

Mips Mon 05-Aug-13 19:25:55

Thank you everyone.
Your advice has been my saviour.
I have not had a visit from DP today so kept busy. Decided to turn the room he used as a study into a den for the children so went to DIY store to get paint, cushions, etc. Kids helped pick things.
He did email me this morning and call me lunch time about my DCs birthday present. So thats contact every day now.

Vivacia Mon 05-Aug-13 20:34:06

Did you reply to the email and answer his call? I really don't think it would do him any harm to have no non-child related contact.

Mips Mon 05-Aug-13 22:43:22

I did reply. Im too weak. He wanted to order DS a birthday gift and wanted my thoughts before ordering. No contact since then. His mother text me briefly to see if things were ok with me. I told her the truth!
She is a bit of an out of sight/out of mind person. Livesa distance away.
DP coming for day out for DCs birthday. Willtry my hardest not to mention the break up. How should i be with him tomorrow?

YvyB Mon 05-Aug-13 22:56:22

You're not weak. Don't fall in to the trap of blaming yourself because you can't turn your commitment and loyalty on and off like a switch. You have enough to be dealing with without piling on the guilt because you can't turn off a marriage worth of habit in a matter of days.
You are doing so well. You're already taking ownership of your home for yourself and dcs. The fact that you keep getting out of bed and functioning day after day is awe inspiring and now you want to decorate too?!
Cut yourself some slack for goodness sake! You are decent and made a huge commitment to this man. It is completely normal to struggle to switch that off. If it was easy you wouldn't be decent, would you? ;)

Mips Mon 05-Aug-13 23:03:56

Thank you. I felt a bit better today. Keep thinkibg about him though. Spent some time reading "how to get your ex back" websites, lol. At least he read and acknowledged my letter. My best friend is on a mission to help me get my mojo back! She keeps reminding me of the woman i used to be and can be again.
Tomorrow will be for my DS. Hopefully we can be comfortsble with one another. I wont mention getting back together as he felt i was hounding him yesterday. Desperation had set in.

Mips Mon 05-Aug-13 23:05:15

Apologies for typos. Its my chubby lil fingers on my phone!

YvyB Mon 05-Aug-13 23:22:21

Mips, you are such an over achiever! Stop being so down on yourself about being sad. You're MEANT to be sad right now! In fact, you're meant to still be in bed, in the same pyjamas you were in a week ago sobbing over your umpteenth box of tissues and ringing for takeaways to feed the dcs! Instead you are up, thinking about decorating, planning birthdays and even finding time to criticise yourself for having completely normal emotions!

Your dh's issues are HIS issues. You can't solve them for them or make them better. All you can do is focus your energy on yourself and keep on going. And you are doing BRILLIANTLY. Your dcs are very lucky to have you.

So for goodness sake give yourself permission to feel bad and cry your eyes out. It has to be done so you might as well crack on and get it over with. But STOP feeling guilty for not being "strong enough" smile

Mips Mon 05-Aug-13 23:31:15

Lol, thanks. I admit to having cried buckets and in front of the children. I havent been eating and lost 10 pounds in one week. However today i took the kids to F&Bs and ate loads!
I am a bit worried about the DCs. In other posts, people say the grandparents are looking after the children. I dont have parents and my DPs live a flight away. Do you think its okfor the kids to see me cry? Ive told them why.
Also im a teacher and dreading going back to work. I dont think i can cope with a class when i am just functioning day to day atm.

YvyB Mon 05-Aug-13 23:44:19

Ah ha! Fellow teacher here! You honestly will be fine in the classroom. In fact, you might even find it a relief to get back to normal and have something else (well, 30 something elses) to focus on instead. We teachers are the most DREADFUL perfectionists. You don't think normal people agonise over stuff like we do, do you?! Good enough is good enough and if it doesnt all get done well, that's what wet playtimes are for!
Definitely cry in front of the children. You're in a sad situation and I don't think it would be helpful to pretend otherwise. You've told them what's going on so they're not worried about why you might be sad. I'm sure you're not crying continuously and as long as there are regular routines to help to reassure them that daily life will carry on just as it always has, why wouldnt you want to explain to them about sadness? I wouldnt dwell too much on the detail though. "I feel sad because I miss your dad" is probably enough (and gives them permission to be sad in front of you too); save the minutiae for your rl friends and MN of course!

NanaNina Tue 06-Aug-13 00:10:09

Hi Mips - I think you are getting some very good advice/support now and no one seems to be blaming your DP any more which is a good thing and you must try to stop blaming yourself. As I've said I think your DP may think that having space may improve his depression, and stop him feeling guilty about inflicting misery upon you and the children.

You mentioned that he had acknowledged the letter you wrote and I don't know how your DP will react (but I'm sure you will know) some people would immediately write back and others will take time to reply ad not be sure of what to say, and yet others may not reply at all. In any event I don't think someone with depression is going to be together enough to reply to your letter in the near future. I imagine that you poured out all of your emotions in the letter and that might be difficult for him to read and assimilate.

VyB is giving you some very important "messages" to stop being so hard on yourself and I can only endorse what she says. You are suffering a major life crisis and it would be very strange if you weren't having some major reaction, it's called being human! I also think it was good that you went out and bought things for the kid's den. What ages are your children if you don't mind my asking.

I hope you can be comfortable with each other tomorrow though of course it is going to feel a little strange and even awkward to be "playing happy families" but I'm sure the birthday girl/boy will be pleased that you are both there for his/her special day.

Glad to hear that you have some RL support and with a best friend too - invaluable at times like this.

I read upthread that you had lost the thread. Just click on "I'm on" at the top of the page and it will bring up any threads that you are on!

I know I keep mentioning this but do you know why your DP won't see a GP about his depression - and do you know what the root cause of it is. Suppose it's out of the question that he would see a therapist - no I thought not!!

Mips Tue 06-Aug-13 00:11:50

Thanks for the reply. My eldest just come downstairs again saying he is scared. He is in my bed as is his brother. He said he felt safer at dads new house. Our house is big in comparison so i think its either that creaky doors walls,etc are worrying him or he is just missing his dad being there.
Im still in self blame mode. Can't seem to shift it. Thinking i should have done things differently and he'd still be here.
You may be right about work. It was my saviour, my routine when my parents died. My forward plans might be a bit shit for a while though!
I did get up, put on my lippy and heels today. So that's something i suppose!

Mips Tue 06-Aug-13 07:32:15

Another morning where i woke and realisation hit. How will i get through the whole day with dp?

Vivacia Tue 06-Aug-13 07:47:57

What are the actual plans for today? Is it the "whole day" or "two hours this afternoon"? Might be easier to handle if you focus on the time you'll be able to be on your own, compose yourself and recharge your batteries?

Mips Tue 06-Aug-13 07:52:39

Its a whole day. A picnic and beach trip.
In a panic already. I was semi ok yesterday, had a good cry last night and now stomach churning this morning.

Vivacia Tue 06-Aug-13 08:30:19

You're a stronger woman than I. I don't think I'd want to look at him.

YvyB Tue 06-Aug-13 08:31:16

Ok Mips. Keep breathing! Think of this as the school trip from hell - you don't want to go but you're damn well going to make sure it runs smoothly being the true professional you are. Let's take stock.

1) the dcs you're taking you happen to be pretty fond of. That's a plus.
2) you know the venue already - take equipment to supplement its downsides and maximise its good points - good book, toys, smart phone, have friend on standby for regular text updates and motivational comments. You know the drill...
3) no coach load of over excited children drastically reduces the likelihood of having to clear up vomit. Don't under estimate the value of this.
4) unfortunately, one of your party has ebd. Mentally write an iep for strategies to manage this. "Ignore bad behaviour" is perfectly acceptable as a starting point. As this particular party member is over 18 you have no legal responsibility for anything relating to him at all. Also google a lovely tea shop for "time out" if you need it.
5) OFSTED are not coming. You do not have to be perfect. You don't even have to be good.
6) you WILL get home later. Have lovely bottle of wine in fridge ready as your reward.
7) on no account do that hideous "review, revise, replan" cycle they told you about when you trained. We all know the curriculum will have been completely rewritten and your role will be unrecognisable by the time you get to this time next year anyway.
8) mentally record today on your personal cv under the heading of "shitty challenges I have conquered". You will conquer it and no one is handing out points for style.

Good luck. This too shall pass smile

Mips Tue 06-Aug-13 08:57:12

Aw, how fab is your post. Thanks. I will treat it like a school trip. It cant be any worse than being on a bus to Italy on a ski trip with a host of hormonal teenagers! He is about to arrive so i am off to do some deep breathing first. Will update later. Thanks again!

YvyB Tue 06-Aug-13 09:06:25

Oh God. Bus load of teenagers all the way to Italy? Shudder. It definitely can't be any worse!
Just find that "happy place" we all go to in our heads on a wet Thursday afternoon the week before SATs - you know the place; the one where chaos is exploding all over the room, you know they don't really quite know what they're meant to be doing and it's also patently clear they don't even care yet you are standing calmly, smiling serenely because at some point the bell will ring and you can go home.
Let us know how you get on. If you need a good blub we'll all be here with the virtual tissues.

Mips Tue 06-Aug-13 09:09:49

Thanks. Will let you know.

Vivacia Tue 06-Aug-13 09:33:59

Fab post YvyB!

YvyB Tue 06-Aug-13 09:44:11

Thanks. Done a few grim school trips in my time but they all came to an end and some of them I can even laugh about now. Mind you, that took time. Quite a lot of time actually...

Doesnt do any harm to remind yourself of all the tried and tested coping strategies you DO have to fall back on when the chips are down though, does it?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 06-Aug-13 12:39:02

I am not a teacher but know some and they all do a fine impression of being life's copers.

Self-blame is a mechanism that sometimes kicks in because it gives us reassurance things aren't entirely out of our control. "If only I'd..." It will be more complicated than that but I see why you do it especially at the witching hour when thoughts whizz round. These are early days so if the boys want extra cuddles it will help.

Hope DS has a lovely birthday and the four of you have some genuine laughs.

YvyB Tue 06-Aug-13 12:44:39

Spot on, Donkey. We teachery types do love to know we've got it all under control. (In fact, we spend HOURS at weekends and evenings producing piles of paperwork proving that we have!) Is a bit of a bugger to be reminded that we have no control at all sometimes. Scary too!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 06-Aug-13 12:47:23


Mips thinking of you.

NanaNina Tue 06-Aug-13 13:31:02

Hope you manage today ok Mips and I think YvyB is giving you fab advice/support and the fact that you are both teachers makes the comparison with the "school trip" not only helpful but vaguely amusing.

My eldest son and DIL are both primary school teachers and before they went into teaching, I always thought teacher had an easy time!! NO no more do I think that!! It's just I was a social worker/middle manager for some 30 years for a LA SSD, and when my DP and teacher friends were all saying "Oh thank god it's the end of term" I used to feel really pissed off as there was no "end of term" for me. I have been retired for 4 years now so life is relatively easy (though look after grandchildren for some of the time). My DIL is super conscientious and she brings her marking home in one of those bags you wheel when going on a flight! My son does all the sport in his school so no planning, marking, writing those interminable reports at the end of the academic year.

Sorry Mips got a bit carried away there. It's so sad your sons are fretting about their dad not being there, but perfectly understandable. He needs to do his best to re-assure them that they will be safe with you and that he isn't very far away (if that's the case) If they are old enough could he text them at bedtime to say goodnight and tell them they are safe, or something similar.

YvyB Tue 06-Aug-13 21:54:46

Hope you're ok, Mips.

Mips Tue 06-Aug-13 22:15:31

Hi there. Sorry for late response but he has just left. Had a great day! Apart from the journey there in the car where we kind of started on where it went wrong, each picking out incidents which annoyed us, the rest of the day was fine. We decided to draw a line under past difficulties and just work on sorting ourselves out. He is still keen to stay apart but he did say he wanted to take a day at a time and wasnt opposed to a future with me (he didnt promise anything though). We had fish n chips on way home and came to house and we all watched a movie. As he left he asked if he could come round on Thursday to see the DC as he didnt want to wait till Friday (when he has them). Incidently i did tell him earlier that i didnt think it was fair on us that he was here most days. He was a bit huffed but said if thats what i want then that was fine. He thought this was me punishing him for leaving! However, we did reach a compromise that he would always contact me first before coming round.
Afyer the movie he gave me a hug. I said are you sure this is what you want and he just said its too soon.

Vivacia Tue 06-Aug-13 22:20:47

It sounds a mine field. Would you consider counselling, perhaps Relate, to help you during this time?

Mips Tue 06-Aug-13 22:27:45

It sure is Viv! I havent mentioned counselling to him as i know the answer will be no. I cant get him to the GP for ADs so i dont think he will go. I however, am going to go for counselling through my work.
I think my only way forward is to allow him space to do what he needs to do. In the meantime im going to put on my lippy and try and keep my head up and get my mojo back!
He did say that he missed being with me but it was too soon to come back. So im not going to hang my hopes on this.

Vivacia Tue 06-Aug-13 22:43:41

I was thinking about you seeing the counsellor on your own. This way you can clarify your wants rather than only waiting to find out what he wants, if you see what I mean?

Mips Tue 06-Aug-13 22:52:33

You are right. I need to consider my wants too. Im too caught up in what he wants.
I looked at him today and i did think he needs to make changes as its not all about me. I mentiobed the ADs and he is still taking them as before and wont see GP. So this will be my first request if we make amends. Thanks for all your support. I really appreciate it.

YvyB Wed 07-Aug-13 08:45:46

Morning Mips
Glad you not only survived the day but even enjoyed it too - said you were an over-achiever! Viv has put her finger straight on the point in her last post: you've spent so long trying to meet HIS needs you've forgotten you're entitled to have your own met too. This is another teachery trait, I'm afraid. We get so brainwashed in to focusing on the needs of the students at school that we bring that mindset home with our marking too. Think about being at school - how many times have you not gone to the loo because a child stopped you en route to ask something and you immediately stopped your journey to the toilet to sort them out instead? And then the bell went so you didnt go so you just didnt drink anything after in order to make it to the end of the day because you can't leave your class?
Right. Now back up a bit and really think about it. If we see the most basic biological functions such as drinking water (because you spend 6 hours a day talking loudly) and then having a wee to get rid of said water as coming secondary to someone else's needs AND we spend all day surrounded by other people who also behave the same way, is it any wonder that we spend our home lives allowing everybody else to come first and having no expectation that anybody should spend at least some of the time prioritising us?
I nearly passed out the first time this was brought to my attention by my lovely relate counsellor! So flippin obvious, isn't it?!
So... at this point (still in the counselling session), the counsellor asked my stbxh straight out "do you see yourself as having some responsibility towards meeting her needs? Even when her needs might not be things you value or want to do?" After an extremely evasive non-answer which revealed that really stbxh requires a "service provider" rather than a partner, I was hit with two realisations. 1) that I DO count as a person and I should expect any partner to take my needs seriously and enjoy helping me meet them as part of a partnership and 2) that I've spent so long putting ,my needs last I'd forgotten I even had any, let alone that my dh should have been helping me to achieve them!
I've spent the last 3 weeks re-discovering what my needs are and spending lots of time with friends who share pleasure in meeting those needs. As stbxh never made any effort in this way, I havent missed him at all (there was nothing to miss, was there?) and despite the stress of organising a divorce, people keep telling me how well I look (I was apparently "glowing" yesterday!).

Not sure what you've got planned for today but why not make a list of your needs? Mine included things like cuddles, decorating the Christmas tree (not in Aug, obviously!), help with lifting heavy things, holding hands, conversation at the end of the day... then tell yourself that you are ENTITLED to have these needs met and if you are in a healthy relationship your dp should be honoured to help you meet your needs. In fact, they should actually enjoy it!

My apologies to non-teachery-types. I know you all put everybody else's needs first too. I just found it easiest to explain myself in the context of teaching as op and I are both teachers. I'm sure the same applies in many, many other walks of life too, not least being a SAHM!

YvyB Wed 07-Aug-13 08:57:45

Ooh, and sorry to dominate the thread, but I've just realised something else...
The needs I listed above have all been met easily by other people: cuddles from my ds, heavy lifting by my dad, my neighbours and the nice man in b&q (note to self: wonder if nice man in b&q does cuddles too? :S), conversation at all times of day by friends on end of phone etc. AND what is more, all those people have done a bloody good impression of enjoying their side of it. Well, maybe the nice b&q man less so, but he smiled heroically throughout and he gets a pay check.

Suggests that those needs aren't at all unreasonable, doesnt it? And also that normal people enjoy being part of a give-and-take deal. Hmm...

YvyB Wed 07-Aug-13 09:09:31

Pay cheque, dammit!

Mips Wed 07-Aug-13 09:16:19

Thabks Y. You have inspired me. DP actually said yesterday that i need to find time for myself. He understood how life get in the way and we forget about ourselves.
When chatting yesterday i did focus on one thing he saidlast year a woman at his work was flirtibg with him. He did tell me but me being the jealous type logged into his email without his knowledge and read some emails back and forth. Whilst she seemed to be flirting and havung problems in her own relationship, he appeared to be being supportive but letting her down gently at the same time. i then stupidly emailed her asking her gently to leave him alone (my last ltr ended due to cheatibg so it hit a raw nerve). He said he felt betrayed and worried that i had done this before. I hadnt as had no reason to. I think this is a big part of his negative feelings towards me. Ive never hada readon to suspect him before. He is very faithful. Ive apologised

Mips Wed 07-Aug-13 09:18:40

But not sure how to take away that negative feeling. I could kick myself asin the 11 years we have been together he has never been unfaithful.

YvyB Wed 07-Aug-13 09:44:21

You're welcome. No point learning painful life lessons and then keeping them to yourself, is there?!
So... dp said that YOU need to find time for yourself, did he? Shouldnt that be that HE sees it as part of his responsibility to you that he ensures you do? I know this sounds like me being picky with semantics but people often reveal more than they think through their choice of words. Sounds like another example of him putting something he should be taking responsibility for as your dp back on you...

And don't be reluctant to trust your gut instinct. If you felt the need to check his emails, it's because your radar picked up reasons to feel insecure. And now he's left. I suspect hes been pulling away for a while which inevitably has lead you to feel insecure. Looks like your radar was bang on to me, I'm afraid. But he had you apologising for that too, did he?

You are still in teacher-mode, Mips, accepting responsibility for everything. He should be actively promoting your welfare. He shouldn't be sending out "I'm not 100% committed" vibes that concern you enough to tempt you to check his emails. In a healthy relationship you shouldn't be in that position.

I'm going to be really brutal now. Any man who leaves his dp to bring up his dcs alone without lots of warning, opportunity for joint counselling first (his actions are affecting 3 other people fgs) is monumentally selfish. Your dp has left you dealing with all the crap whilst he's gone running off to "be depressed/find himself". Isn't it time you got just a teensy bit angry now rather than feeling pleased he sat in your comfy home, watching a movie, as if he's bountifully throwing you a few crumbs of his precious company?

JustBecauseICan Wed 07-Aug-13 09:54:51

<is little bit in love with YvyB>

I agree with everything you have said. Every last word.

You are being too accommodating Mips. Right now he has got what he wants, with biscuits thrown in. He gets to see his children when he wants, he gets to do the nice stuff. He gets to see you deperate for his approval, and he will be smugly accepting all your apologies for the relationship breaking down.

And by the by....Nana Nina I know was referring to me when she talked about blame. Yes, I do fucking blame a man who hasn't got the balls, depression or not, to even fucking tell his wife he is leaving her but waits till she has gone away with their children to do it. And then spends the next few weeks making sure he has her exactly where he wants her. How callous and calculating can one human being be? Not even caring enough about his own children to think they deserve sitting down with their dad and him telling them that the relationship is over, but....

I really hope you start thinking of yourself Mips. Because believe me, this man will continue thinking only of himself. And it will always be your fault if he doesn't get it. It's insidious.

Mips Wed 07-Aug-13 09:56:38

You are right. I followed my instincts. I said sorry and indicated that he should be flattered that i did do it. It showed i cared enough about our r/ship. He is a very private person by nature but there is a big difference between privacy and secrecy. I feel that apart from the depression, we have not discussed his contribution to the breakdown of our r/ship. I just want to make a list and send it to him!

Mips Wed 07-Aug-13 09:58:14

X post just because. Will reply now.

JustBecauseICan Wed 07-Aug-13 10:10:30

Oh, I have just seen the bit about his flirty colleague. Hmm.

No, you shouldn't have snooped, but you shouldn't have felt you had to either.

Are you sure this guy is as much of a recluse as he would like you to believe?

YvyB Wed 07-Aug-13 10:12:38

I luffs you too, JustBecause!
I've just been in the shower, scrubbing my hair, thinking " the blatant, downright, fecking CHEEK of that man. So, he doesn't want to wait til Friday to see the two dcs he just walked out on without a word? Shouldn't he have thought about that just a bit before he brought fecking domestic armageddon raining down on everybody else's head without so much as a 'by the way, I'm thinking of...' as a token gesture of courtesy?
Oooh. It made me so cross I couldn't shave my legs until I'd done my deep breathing "I'm a good person" mantra twice to calm myself.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 07-Aug-13 11:37:43

I am glad you could assert you weren't "punishing" him by stating it's not fair for him to flit in and out.

However much space you give him, however much understanding you show, he has to help himself by seeing a GP and taking properly prescribed medication and/or arranging counselling. Too much space can be alarmingly close to becoming a recluse. If he rations time spent around you and DCs, does he also avoid others?

I agree with other posters, look after yourself. Any chance to think of yourself, pick up any hobbies or pastimes, fix up to see your own friends, when time permits. Many partners and parents put their outside lives on the back burner - I've done so myself - it won't stop you missing DP but gives an added dimension.

Have you anything planned for yourself on Friday?

Going back to work won't be the jolliest distraction but it will give structure to your week.

Next week it would be nice for you to have a block of time without the DCs. As has already been observed, going from a familiar two parent set up to a new arrangement whereby you are without warning now sole resident parent is a big shift, on top of the emotional earthquake. Space is quite a luxury with 10 and 6 y.o. DCs in the mix.

Mips Wed 07-Aug-13 12:26:20

Justbecause, i am certain. Being faithful is important to him and he has never given me reason before. I could see from his account there was nothing to worry about regards OW. Even his replies to this woman (who ive seen and i am not worried about her being a threat!). However, i am sure the secrecy is to do with money. He is obsessed with making money as he has a millionaire sibling to live up to. He says he feels a failure. Even now when living in his own house he keeps saying "how can i save more money?". He has lost quite a bit of money on the stock market and he has been on betting sites. Whilst he doesnt have a gambling problem, he does have a problem so to speak. This is what the privacy is all about. Money means more to him than life itself.

Mips Wed 07-Aug-13 12:38:12

Yvy, sorry for late reply. My sister came for a visit. Thank you for the anger (hope you got your legs shaved). I feel quite angry myself. He said he had been thinking of leaving for a while so why not tell me?! No word from him today but he is at work.

Donkeys, you are right. He has social anxiety. He likes his own company. He has one friend who lives a distance away.
I have planned to go to my sister's on Friday night. I also have a family event at the weekend. So keeping busy.
DP did ask if he could take the DC away for a few days to his family (live far away) but i said no. Right now the DC are keeping me sane (or semi-sane). Youngest has a playdate on Saturday. So may find somewhere for my eldest to go.

YvyB Wed 07-Aug-13 12:46:00

Nice smooth legs and no nicks, thanks. Need to fake tan later for trip to beach tomorrow.
Get good and angry. Even if not on your own behalf, for your dcs. How dare he spoil their summer holidays like this? Is this the best father they deserve?

I'm not suggesting you decide to leave your dp but have you got any legal advice just in case? Is much harder to find time during term. I've spent 2 very productive weeks gathering info and asking questions. Hasn't cost me anything but I'm well armed now. You have dcs to protect. Don't leave things to drift without finding out exactly where you stand. You don't need to act on the knowledge but it's good to have it.

Mips Wed 07-Aug-13 12:46:35

Still feeling like i want him back. I miss him so much. My sister pointed out that i have never been without a man (3 ltr) and being on my own is alien to me. My DP was a bit of a rebound from my last ltr. So maybe i need to think about this. I do miss the good times though. Wish he could remember them.

Mips Wed 07-Aug-13 12:50:56

X post.
Im a bit confused about his setting out of our monetary affairs so yes i do have the number of a solicitor recommended by my friend. I received my tax credit forms yesterday.
Yes, he has spoiled their holidays and mine. I really needed a break too after a really hard term at school.

Mips Wed 07-Aug-13 12:58:34

Ha! He has just emailed me from work to ask a mundane question about the kids.
So he cant go a day without contact. What do i do?

Also, my post doesnt appear on the r/ships board and i cant find it on 'posts im on'. I only found it through a link a poster sent me. Any ideas?

Yv, id like to hear your story. You have been so helpful as have Viv, donkeys, justbecause and many more. Thank you all :0)

JustBecauseICan Wed 07-Aug-13 13:19:36

Oh dear. I don't want to worry you further but I don't like the speculating on stock market/betting site thing.

You talk about "his" house. Is this the house he has moved into? Is the house you are living in "his" too?

What is it you miss?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 07-Aug-13 13:26:57

Mips have you been posting via mobile phone, have you accidentally touched the 'Hide' button? This might explain why you lost sight of the thread.

Check your settings, go on to 'Customise' and check Ignored Topics at the foot of the page, see if it's hidden.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 07-Aug-13 13:28:36

The money could be #1 stress factor hence 'depression' for which he won't seek help.

Mips Wed 07-Aug-13 13:31:35

The house he is living in, he bought as an investment. Its a wreck atm. The house i live in is joint. He is continuing to pay the mortgahe on it.
He admits to habe lost a bit on the market and he says he cant afford to do it any more.
Im not worrying about house equity atm. If the separation is final then i will have a solicitor look at it. I will however make some discrete enquiries. He is still paying the mortgage and bills here.

Mips Wed 07-Aug-13 13:33:16

Aw thanks donkey. I will go have a look.
Yes, you could be right. It is the stress trigger.

JustBecauseICan Wed 07-Aug-13 13:39:13

Money is a horrible horrible thing.

Do you know how much money he has lost?

YvyB Wed 07-Aug-13 13:41:13

Mips, I'm pming you... you should get a little red flaggy thing. Or yellow maybe? Where it says inbox (which is grey at the moment!)

Mips Wed 07-Aug-13 13:44:16

No. The post isnt hidden. Will try on ipad later.
Jb, i miss the company. I dont like being alone. We spent an awful lot of time together as he didnt have friends. Despite the problems, we shared similar interests and he made me laugh. He also loves the children

YvyB Wed 07-Aug-13 13:46:19

You should have a msg now, Mips!

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 07-Aug-13 14:04:36

Can I make a few points re infidelity?

One is that many men who cheat in mid life will have been faithful for several years/decades.

Sometimes when a man with strong views on fidelity is attracted to someone else, he decides that the attraction must be real love - they find it hard to understand that we all can be attracted to other people at various points of our lives but we do not have to act on this.

The depression is a red flag as many cheat in order to self medicate - the feel good hormones/chemicals one get from having their ego boosted cannot be underestimated. It is possible that if he has not yet cheated, the woman at work may have stirred feelings leading to his decision to leave....

Also who brought up the topic re this woman yesterday?

Threeandjustme Wed 07-Aug-13 14:30:15

Hi Mips
Thank you for the thread.
I am going through a very similar experience and your thoughts and feelings are so familiar.
No one else involved apparently but I feel so suspicious.
He just left and moved into a flat he had rented nearby without any discussion.
I want to move overseas to family but I think he will stop us. He will not say if he will I am to wait for a lawyers letter!

Mips Wed 07-Aug-13 14:34:05

Hi hot choc, thanks for reply. I honestly do not think there is anything going on. The woman at work is not his type at all and she is going through problems with her own husband. Apparently i have heard they are off on hols and redoing their marriage vows. I have no doubt that this has been an ego boost as he thinks very little of himself and has low self esteem. Also he has suffered depression since a teenager, so i entered into the r/ship knowing this. His whole problem is his need to not feel a failure and in his eyes its how much money you have, not how many women.i do see how what you describe could be true of some situations but not in this. Ive been in a ltr of constant cheating. I know the signs. My DP never goes out, he is home from work early, spends his spare time at home and when he does go out its with me and kids.
I also think that moving out was to give him time on his own. Away from family, neighbour from hell, etc.
He told me yesterday that he had trusted me for 10 years and then i checked into his email. He has high expectations regards trust. Thats when emails from work colleage were mentuoned.

Mips Wed 07-Aug-13 14:43:51

Hi threeandjustme, sorry you are dealing with similar. Its hard to comprehend. Whilst i know the reasons he left i find it hard to contemplate how they cant just be fixed now!! Im impatient.
Sorry you have the added difficulty of living away from family. My friend is in a very similar situation. Hope it works out.

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 07-Aug-13 14:54:26

I get what you are saying and I am not saying he has someone else (or is considering an affair) but it is dangerous to base your assumptions on certain myths.

Just to rebunk a few more myths - OW does not have to be his type, the ego boosts alone can be enough to turn their head.

So many affairs nowadays take place within working hours - fake training/seminars or afternoons off and pretending to be at work.

Also it does not have to be physical - many are conducted online.

Again, I am not saying he is cheating but his current actions are those of a selfish man giving little thought to the plight of his DC sad

Mips Wed 07-Aug-13 15:05:55

Thanks again. He works in a very small office so i cant think of anyone. They all know me as well. I did confront him and he said he genuinely wasnt interested in anyone else. It was to do with the way we were and how unhappy we were making one another. Tbh, im the one who would have been more taken in by another man! My DP was quite jealous of my social life and questioned me about chatting up men, etc. He is quite insecure.
I will be aware of the possibility but i honestly dont yhink its the case.

YvyB Wed 07-Aug-13 15:24:43

How depressing, Three. So many of them out there sad. Stay strong and use MN if you need to vent/blub/rage. We'll all be here. (Would have said "welcome to the thread" in a cheery, enthusiastic way, but it doesnt seem quite appropriate given our circumstances, does it?)

NanaNina Wed 07-Aug-13 19:05:30

Oh Mips and Three so sorry you are going through such a traumatic time. I know some posters are encouraging you to feel angry with your DP and pointing out all his short comings which are real enough. However as I have probably already said, all of your emotions are going to be mixed up and you are still very raw. You are experiencing the classic signs of bereavement following the loss you have suffered. Unfortunately all these emotions don't come in linear form, they dodge about, so one minute you are angry and then you are sad, and wish he would return, and then you feel lonely and so it goes on, the "tape" goes around and around in your head. Many people experience a "red hot" memory - so called because the memory is so painful it is like a burn, and then sadness and tears take over. Also grieving come in waves and sometimes you feel ok(ish) and then are overtaken by all sort of other emotions.

I honestly don't think people can tell you how to feel (and I'm not thinking of anyone in particular on the thread!) but I've found many MNs have very strong opinions on something and can be very definitive about what happened, the reasons it happened and what the future will hold!!

All you can do is take one day at a time and try to structure your time which will help a little. I still don't think blaming is the way forward, for either of you. I think human relationships are very complex things and dynamics between the couple tend to get set in concrete and we can't see for ourselves what is happening. It takes someone right out of the situation to help you understand some of the emotions you are experiencing. I think someone mentioned counselling for you, and whilst I think this is a good idea, I think you need more time to elapse to get the best out of counselling, as it isn't cheap - approx. £50 per hour dependent on where you live.

I think it's important for the two of you to keep the lines of communication open, try not to blame or re-hash what happened, as this will lead to friction and you don't need that now. Also I think it's really important that the children see you together and getting along with things in the usual way as this will help them to feel a little more secure.You need time to "lick your wounds" and so does he although he should most definitely have told you about his intentions, but maybe that was the only way he could do it, when you were away.

I still think depression is a torment and unless you have suffered from it, you can't have any understanding of how awful it can make you feel and there is still a stigma attached to mental illness.

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