Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

a non sex related date is more nerve-wracking than one involving sex

(45 Posts)

am i insane or does anyone get it?

new guy who i met through friends when out and ended up spending the night with and all the next day and then meeting up again a few days later and it also involving spending the night.

much texting since and tonight we're meeting up for a quick drink as he's passing through where i live but can't stay for long.

why is this making me more nervous than going out both of us drinking and with sex inevitable at the end of it?

for a bit of context i very rarely see anyone and it is even rarer that they are nice, sorted, openly like me and don't seem to have issues about liking someone kind of man so i am feeling a bit... out of comfort zone maybe?

he also has a good job, lovely friends, a grown up car and nice teeth and shoes. i'm a fuck up aren't i? i am less comfortable with a decent guy liking me than some hopeless situation with a deadbeat blush

i actually should have booked a counselling session rather than starting a thread. i clearly need my head examining.

Pippinlongsocks Thu 01-Aug-13 13:52:12

I have no relevant experience of this sort of situation to be able to advise you (goodness I'm bloody jealous though!). You are reacting to the unusual situatuion of something feeling great and cant quite believe it. why shouldnt it be though and why shouldnt you deserve it? If i was to find myself in a similar situ I would feel the same. Just let yourself live in the moment of it all and try to enjoy it. You sound perfectly sane to me. Have fun... Loads of it in fact!

Twinklestein Thu 01-Aug-13 13:55:27

You've had sex & decided you like him. It's understandable you'd have nerves at this point. You've got more to lose now than when you first met him...

Dahlen Thu 01-Aug-13 13:57:55

grin sorry to laugh at your discomfort, but it's quite sweet. wink

I think it's because when you're drinking and sex is on the agenda, you know you'll have some inhibition-lowered confidence and there is a goal where you know what you're doing. When you have to make conversation it's ironically much more personal because it's all about you. You can't hide it behind a tried-and-tested sex technique or an alcohol-fuelled laugh. You put your personality on the line and ask the question if he likes it. I think that's more nerve-wracking.

The reason you felt more comfortable around deadbeats is because you knew you were better than them, and that instantly made you feel like you had a good personality. Now you've met someone normal you're worrying he may feel about you what you felt about them. It's an unfounded but perfectly normal worry that I think most people feel when they start dating unless they have an ego the size of a planet.

Try not to over-think it too much and just enjoy. And remember that even if it doesn't work out, all that means is that you weren't compatible, not that you weren't good enough.

Have fun. smile

buildingmycorestrength Thu 01-Aug-13 14:08:28

It is vulnerability, I think. The others are in a 'just sex' bit of your mind. This one you aren't sure if it is 'just sex'...maybe it is more.

whitesugar Thu 01-Aug-13 14:14:35

Lucky old you! Enjoy yourself, he obviously likes you because he wants to see you again. It is natural to be nervous and everyone would be. He is probably nervous too. You have nothing to lose. You deserve good shoes, grown up car and nice friends. When you are there try to get strength knowing an awful lot of people who don't know you are rooting for you and sending you secret messages of love and support.

Dahlen, your comment about being comfortable around deadbeats really made me wince, it's a habit of mine and you have clarified it for me. That makes sense to me for the first time. I didn't realise why I did it and am now feeling less than proud of myself. Worth it though because a big fat light has just gone on! Thanks for insight.

ENJOY YOURSELF SWAF!

ah this is so sweet and helpful. much better than a counselling session.

dahlen i think you're quite wise there.

and yes the, 'he still wants to see you even though he hasn't got time to shag and has already shagged you' bit is confused when it really should be smile

i am a bit baffled though - he could get the kath kidston cup caking making type if he wanted it.

i am so over thinking.

BUT i'm actually very, very good at being drunk and amusing and sexy. not sure about the sit in a civilised pub garden chatting skills blush

AndMiffyWentToSleep Thu 01-Aug-13 16:39:17

SAF, you don't appear to be drunk or sex-focused on MN yet come across as lovely and fun. So I reckon you'd be great at pub chatting!
It's scary 'cos he's nice and it isn't just about sex but scary is ok.
Have fun and report back! wink

MoreThanWords Thu 01-Aug-13 16:45:53

Watching with interest as this is exactly the behaviour I am discussing with my counsellor! We've whittled it down to non existent low self esteem, growing up with no 'normal relationship' on display and no positive male role models.

HairyGrotter Thu 01-Aug-13 16:50:42

Oooo I had exact same thoughts when I met DP! I've always gone for temperamental and selfish men, then I met DP who has a good job, great friends, normal, not a musician and I was totally nervous and thinking 'what in the hell does he see in me?!' But we're very happy, now living together and it's the best and most fucking normal/respectful relationship I've ever had, and if something were to happen to it, I would never date a deadbeat again!

Go, relax and enjoy!

nkf Thu 01-Aug-13 16:53:12

You're nervous because you like him. Because he is a credible partner and not a deadbeat.

Lucky you. Nice man to go out with. Enjoy.

cjel Thu 01-Aug-13 22:16:36

SAF. How dare you get nerves and doubt yourself. You promised me there would be someone nice for me as well. How can I believe you now you are doubting yourself?smile

i chuckled at 'not a musician' grin

miffy - thank you that is a kind thing to say.

morethanwords - yeah what you've whittled it down to you for you sounds pretty familiar to me.

i've woken up too early with a horrible hangover and a sense of shame that i'm not sure is down to the hangover or what i was like. will take a few hours and a couple of cups of coffee to work that out. guzzling wine on an empty stomach because you're nervous is not the best strategy in the world.

and what is it with pub wine that makes you so hungover? is it purely that you drink it faster or do they sneak something in there?

cjel Fri 02-Aug-13 10:10:20

Oh dear, hope evening was a success though?

not sure about a success, it was survived and there was a bit of snogging. think both of us felt quite nervous actually.

and i do need therapy!

cjel Fri 02-Aug-13 12:49:27

What sort of therapy you thinking? drink, sex, relationship, housework!!smile

i would like therapy where they put you to sleep, go in your head and heart and cleanse, massage and moisturise and put it all back together neatly then wake you up with a nice cup of coffee.

what's that called?

cjel Fri 02-Aug-13 13:12:47

Ohh yess I'll come with you for that. forgotten the name though.

lazarusb Fri 02-Aug-13 17:47:04

Hi SAF smile When I first met dh I tried to sabotage it repeatedly. He was way too nice. But he held out on me, wanted to be a gentleman. I nearly went mad waiting for him to try it on - he didn't, so I gave up and made myself very clear. So at least be thankful you're getting laid grin!

I think you 'like like' him, that's why you're so nervous. You know what, you're a nice person and deserve a nice man. Enjoy!

I think that kind of therapy would make millions (sadly).

AndMiffyWentToSleep Sat 03-Aug-13 04:32:59

Ooh SAF, so excited that you survived, snogged and that he was nervous too!
Can I sign up for your therapy too - sounds great.
I hope the hangover passed quickly. When are you meeting up again?

next week presumably - he's taken his child away camping for a long weekend. unless it all goes quiet of course.

that therapy would be bloody wonderful wouldn't it? miss out all the talking and droning on about your childhood and traumatic experiences and just go for the full mental rinse cycle instead.

cjel Sat 03-Aug-13 10:49:01

Doesn't sound like it will go quiet!! How exciting!!x

not sure - apparently when tipsy i told him he came across as cold and emotionally attached (i'm a charmer me!). i'm sure he will have a moment of clarity soon and run for the hills.

do you know what though even if nothing comes of it it has reminded me of a few things.

a) there are still good men about
b) it is possible to have fantastic sex with a 'nice' guy
c) i don't actually want to be fucking about with idiots just because there's a spark there.

it has also reminded me that all the best relationships i've actually had were slow burners and developed rather than being high drama intensity outsets.

i may be growing up a bit.

cjel Sat 03-Aug-13 11:07:39

Its easy to read 'long term life partner' into everything isn't it? like you say you have had a positive experience with a lovely man who has taught good things so if you never hear from him again you're moving in the right direction.
But I bet that won't happenx

it's probably part of the fear factor as well of suddenly wondering actually do i want a long term partner? he clearly isn't just after me for sex or because his brain has gone into crazy-craving state because of chemistry which means if anything does come of it it has to be an actual proper relationship.

i really don't know if i'm capable of an actual proper relationship anymore (if i ever was) or how the hell that would work in the reality of my life or his life or if i'm ready to have all of my 'ishoos' show up and dance around in my face having to be dealt with. does that last bit make sense? it's like relationships bring it all up and out don't they? there's no avoiding your crap because it's all being triggered.

for all the oh your life must be so hard as a single mum and oh i'm so busy working and doing everything without any support bollocks it's actually rather easy this way. i can ignore myself quite effectively.

god and have those dancing ishoos witnessed by another human being shock

Llareggub Sat 03-Aug-13 14:14:11

Blimey I could have started this thread. I totally get what you are saying.

cjel Sat 03-Aug-13 14:17:20

yuk to showing issues!!I've had years of counselling and I think that's why I have been like a single old lady for 2 years! I am going to expect so much from new bloke not sure good shoes and own teeth would do it!! I have my own little place I have done up myself and they'd have to be pretty special teeth for me to share!!! Yes I d the i'm so lonely crap but as you say it probably isn't that bad really

less good or bad than familiar and safe i think.

and familiar and safe doesn't challenge you or make you 'see' yourself.

llare do elaborate please!

Llareggub Sat 03-Aug-13 14:51:20

Well. I am a single parent too. I like living alone.

I also have a best friend, lets call him Peter. We dated in our teens, then again in our 20s, then I dumped him for my exH. When I separated, we picked up our friendship again where we left off but all too soon we had drink fuelled evenings and plenty of good sex. I'd rather spend time with him, knowing that we don't have a marriage type future together than a possible romantic date with a suitable man.

Living together would never work for us. We like fun stuff together, not day to day life. I've tried dates with other men but I can't do it. It just doesn't work for me. I get stupidly nervous but also spend a lot of my time thinking that Peter would totally have got my joke and laughed stupidly whereas the date will just look a bit confused.

Without sounding totally ridiculous, I've had a few potential dates lately but I've got cold feet at the last moment. I use all sorts of excuses not to go. They've all been nice men, with great personalities.

I posted a thread recently about what makes a good relationship. I've only ever had bad ones, with a running theme of me being with someone that needs me to help them in some way. I think I am a bit scared of people who don't. I think I need therapy too!

cjel Sun 04-Aug-13 21:08:54

How you doing? have you heard from him?x

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Sun 04-Aug-13 21:13:53

I totally do this too. This is why I'm not dating anymore. No point, I either pick losers or sabotage good 'uns. I'm a moron.

mcmooncup Mon 05-Aug-13 00:02:25

There's a book.......Women Who Love too Much.

It properly sorts out this picking out the shit heads - the title does it no justice - it's addiction to relationship drama. Letting the good/ 'boring' ones pass you by.

I'm actually early days into an identical situation......properly nice guy.....it weirds me out big style. I'm hanging in there even though it frequently makes me want to weep....not in a sad / drama relationship way, a sort of odd 'release' cry. Normal apparently hmm

totally get the odd 'release' bit mcmoon. seriously.

haven't heard from him for a couple of days but he is in north wales so...

we shall see.

whitesugar Mon 05-Aug-13 00:19:02

You are not a moron! If you are lots of us are because it seems common. I am never going out with anyone else who is a deadbeat. I don't set out to do it but after the last one it has finally dawned on me. My last two exes are currently unemployed and work shy, broke, no car, self obsessed and act like victims. It's just a pity it took til my mid 40s for it to sink in. It seems so obvious now. Think I was so grateful or something, God knows. Anyway I think I will be single for a while. Maybe I might meet a nice doctor one day or an accountant.

oh no, not a doctor. male doctors have a high risk of god complex ime. though i can't know if they take it home with them i can't imagine them actually shaking it off as they leave work.

whitesugar Mon 05-Aug-13 10:29:21

Ok doctor off the list, thanks for heads up!

this guy is computer geek of some sort - web stuff.

but i haven't heard from him a few days so i think it's quite possible i have put him off.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now