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Am I being emotionally abused very confused :/

(150 Posts)
Inthefog Thu 01-Aug-13 09:30:40

Hello
I'm a member but have name changed for this.
My husband has basically been caught cyber cheating on me a few times these were a few years ago but i only found out recently.
He was also flirting and messaging women at work all this info was drop fed to me over the past two years.
Which is why I think I'm still here he is the last person you would think would cheat although he says he never cheated physically the stuff I read and found was disgusting.
February he smashed the house up because I went out without him smashed up my things.
Recently his behaviour has gotten worse he constantly checks my phone and logs into my Facebook accuses me of having affairs and looking at other men.
A few nights ago I went out to watch a show and he said he wanted sex when I got home , my younger sister wanted to stay over and he went ballistic like a lunatic going mad saying 'he wanted pussy' and how would he get it with my sister here. He argued on me for a good hour over this in the end my sister did not stay.

When I got home he got out of bed and sat waiting for me I said I didn't want it had been at work all day and had been out and was tired but he jus wouldn't listen said he wanted it etc. I ended up just walking upstairs like a robot and lay there I didn't want it an after he goes that doesn't count what just happened you made me feel like I raped you.
The sex thing is a constant thing that happens I say no but he still gets his way and I end up doing it.

He blows up for the slightest thing he's meant to be going out next week with his friends and our children are staying in Wales with their nan I said I might go out to but he just went mental over it saying I can't go
Out. I'm taking the piss thinking I can go
Out again and he would rather us go out together instead as he feels he can't go out now as he will be worrying where I am all night.
We went to a wedding and he accused me of looking a other men all might an had a huge row when we got home.

He never used to be like this but since I caught him out with his cheating he's just getting worse he actually told me the other day he wa going to burn my face with acid if I leave him so I'm scarred for life.
He made out it was a joke afterwards but it was far from funny to me. He sits there staring at me even while I watch TV and when I ask him to stop he says he does it because I'm so beautiful.
The other night we were watching something and a woman was being drowned and again he said he was going to do that to me.
Just last night he Said if I ever leave him thy he will stab me in the face.
I went to bed early and he was moaning about that and started arguing on me again about next weekend he said its my fault and I know how to push his buttons.

I start to dread him coming home he's like a man possessed with me I'm so bloody embarrassed I don't know how it's got to this after ten years together.
I feel like its maybe this is normal and Im blowing it up an making it worse than what it is.
I never thought I would stay with someone who cheated like this but thought we could get past it but if anything his behaviour has got worse.

He blows up over the slightest thing I do that upsets him an he he said he's wrote down everytime I've gone out. He really treats me likes sex object a lot to and says derogatory things to me.
He's not the man I married I'm 27 now I feel trapped I just want to get out but I've got no where to go and he puts on such a nice act all the time I'm really confused of what he's doing is normal or not.

I know this is a ramble but had to tell someone what's going on thank you

YvyB Thu 01-Aug-13 09:40:21

Shit. That is not normal. Please tell someone in RL and have a safety plan. Try the police too. My xh started to become violent, threatened to kill me. They took it very seriously and gave me good advice. Please tell someone today.

LuisSuarezTeeth Thu 01-Aug-13 09:49:58

Yes this is abuse. Get help now all I can see is red flags.

clam Thu 01-Aug-13 09:50:11

Him cheating is the least of your problems.
Get out. NOW.

Inthefog Thu 01-Aug-13 09:53:43

YvY do you think he could physically turn violent? He's never hit me before but he also had never smashed the house up before either. He said if I leave him he will kill himself he's not got many friends and isn't close to his family i feel guilty that i will leave him with no one. I told a friend about the physical violence threats but she said he's only saying it as he doesn't want to lose me.

LuisSuarezTeeth Thu 01-Aug-13 09:54:18

Look at this thread

Lots of helpful links. Talk to Women's Aid as soon as you can. This sounds like a ticking time bomb hugs to you OP x

LuisSuarezTeeth Thu 01-Aug-13 09:56:14

Just because he hasn't hit you, does not mean this is not abuse. He is ticking just about every box associated with a domestic abuser. Please make a safety plan. Have you got friends or family to support you?

LuisSuarezTeeth Thu 01-Aug-13 09:58:08

Well done for talking about it, it's not easy. Hopefully others with more advice will be along soon.

amessagetoyouYoni Thu 01-Aug-13 10:03:55

Yes, you are being abused. This behaviour is appaling and you do not deserve it.

Do contact Womens Aid. Good luck x

Please call Womens Aid. He is emotionally and sexually abusing you. And yes, I do think it will lead to physical abuse too.

From your messages this is what I read:

He believes your body is there at his disposal, you don't matter as long as he can get a fuck. He is using this to show you that you belong to him.

He is trying to isolate you from your friends

He is bullying you

He is threatening you

I'm sorry if I sound harsh but you do need to see this is not normal and your children can't grow up thinking this is. For your and their safety you need to break away from him.

Inthefog Thu 01-Aug-13 10:06:56

Yes I have got family I couldn't stay with them though not long term anyway. At the moment I feel like he's a pressure cooker that's the only way to describe it. He acts so nice though people wouldn't think this of him. Feel like I'm going mad or something.

LuisSuarezTeeth Thu 01-Aug-13 10:08:58

You are not going mad. Have you got children?

Inthefog Thu 01-Aug-13 10:10:36

Yes three children Luis

artychick Thu 01-Aug-13 10:11:03

get out now and report his threats to the police. I would be taking it very seriously. stabbing and acid disfigurement threats? I am utterly shocked

Inthefog Thu 01-Aug-13 10:12:49

Glen you are right I feel like an object to him I feel I'm losing sense of what is normal in a relationship and it's been gradual you know but getting worse

Inthefog Thu 01-Aug-13 10:14:33

You see your shocked but I told someone what he said and they said 'but e wouldn't do it , he's just saying it' makes me feel like its normal.

LuisSuarezTeeth Thu 01-Aug-13 10:17:40

Fog, the person is wrong. Protect yourself and your children, I know how hard it is to get your head round.

I know you feel like you are about to do something enormous. You are, and you CAN.

How is he with the DC?

LuisSuarezTeeth Thu 01-Aug-13 10:18:23

Don't wait for him to do something physical before you act.

clam Thu 01-Aug-13 10:18:50

So the person you told has got even lower standards?
Leave. Please.

Interesting that you say he hasn't got many friends.

lollylaughs Thu 01-Aug-13 10:22:28

Not only emotionally, but sexually abused too...

Threatening to burn or stab someone in the face is NOT normal behaviour!

You did you tell? Is it a family member fog?

As per other posts, please try get to womens aid asap...

Inthefog Thu 01-Aug-13 10:22:57

See he's good with the children but his patience is getting worse wit them he shouts all the time lately they are better behaved with me.
He makes me more stressed than the kids because he shouts all the time recently.
He does play with them and is good in some ways with them so would feel guilty about that.

Inthefog Thu 01-Aug-13 10:25:38

I told a friend about the threats she said he wouldn't do it but he's scared of leaving me. I think Im actually getting a bit scared of him he keeps doing this stare to me lately a horrible stare it sounds ridiculous I know.

Twinklestein Thu 01-Aug-13 10:29:01

As everyone says, you must report the threats to police, so that if you need to call them in an emergency they are aware of your case & can respond quickly.

And then contact Women's Aid & get the hell out asap.

He's quite happy to coerce you into sex, please do not think he would not carry out his threats of physical violence. Up until now you have been compliant, so he had no need to harm you physically.

If you don't comply or you leave, that could easily trigger violence.

Twinklestein Thu 01-Aug-13 10:30:56

I think Im actually getting a bit scared of him he keeps doing this stare to me lately a horrible stare it sounds ridiculous I know.

Not ridiculous at all. It sounds like his mental health may be deteriorating.

I can only repeat this is serious emotional & sexual abuse, please get out before it becomes physical.

thistlelicker Thu 01-Aug-13 10:30:56

What do u wanna do op??

Inthefog Thu 01-Aug-13 10:32:12

I don't like him being around me he goes at me asks why I'm quiet and why am I in a mood it's constant I can't get a moments peace he's in my face all the time. I don't know why he's being like this he's off work for a week next week and I'm dreading it I know he will just harass me all day.

Inthefog Thu 01-Aug-13 10:35:29

I want to get out but don't have much money I don't like the thought of a refuge I was in and out of them as a child as my stepdad was abusive. I don't know where to go my mom has three teenagers at home still.

colditz Thu 01-Aug-13 10:36:10

He can't harass you if you're not there.

He's going to hurt you, and he'll probably do it in front of the kids.

colditz Thu 01-Aug-13 10:38:02

You won't be in a refuge long. And can I say how completely unsurprised I am that you grew up watching your mum being abused? Because a NORMAL reaction to your husnads behavior would be to leave immediately and inform the police, and don't allow lone contact with the children, and yet you're not doing any of that yet.

Hassled Thu 01-Aug-13 10:40:00

A refuge has to be better than the life you're living at the moment. And it won't be forever.
I agree that it sounds like his mental health is fairly rapidly deteriorating - please just get out of there.

Inthefog Thu 01-Aug-13 11:20:55

Thank you yes your right I grew up in an environment that was not healthy. Didn't think it would happen to me.
I am going to leave because I think next weekend when he gets home he will do something after a drink.

Inthefog Thu 01-Aug-13 11:21:54

Thankyou for your support it's good to get validation that it's not right what he's doing.

StickyProblem Thu 01-Aug-13 11:26:29

It really isn't nothing inthefog it sounds awful sad . Get out of there as soon as possible. xx

MaMaPo Thu 01-Aug-13 11:34:29

OP you sounds so deep in this and it has come on so gradually that you're having trouble seeing your situation clearly.

Telling other people, telling the police, contacting Women's Aid, planning to leave, staying in a refuge - all of this must feel very scary. But what you've written down is truly scary, and you're living it every day.

Please make plans quickly and quietly to leave. Do not tell him about them. Make sure the police know about his threats. NEVER feel like you can't call the police if he really becomes frightening or makes you feel scared for your safety.

This society has become very good at making domestic violence feel like a problem only for the victim - what's behind closed doors etc. But you should not have to live like this and it is not your problem how he feels if he loses you and his children due to his abusive behaviour.

You are worth more than how he is making you feel. Please act quickly. Thank you for being brave enough to come on here and ask these questions - you have done the right thing.

Good luck.

Inthefog Thu 01-Aug-13 11:44:29

I'm packing now I'm going today speaking to you guys made a switch go off hope I'm making the right move but can take anymore of this life x

SunshineBossaNova Thu 01-Aug-13 11:53:01

Hello lovely have just seen this thread. Best of luck OP, you don't deserve this abuse flowers

Well done. You are doing the right thing, for you and for your children.

thistlelicker Thu 01-Aug-13 11:55:04

Op u must let us know if u need anything

YvyB Thu 01-Aug-13 11:58:38

Yes, op, I think he could physically hurt you. It starts as words, then you get a raised fist, then its a push (cos that doesnt count as violence, does it?) And that is physical abuse. Please get out. Get your children out and get out.

YvyB Thu 01-Aug-13 11:59:53

Just seen you're going to leave. Well done. That is the best gift you could ever give your children. Please let us know you are safe.

Madlizzy Thu 01-Aug-13 12:04:44

The very best of luck to you and stay safe. When you're gone, get a new sim card for your phone so he can't contact you. x

FairyThunderthighs Thu 01-Aug-13 12:11:17

It's so so sad that people live like this, thinking it's probably normal so they should just put up with it. sad

Hope you are making a plan to leave now OP. It will be the best thing you ever do, I promise.

Pozzled Thu 01-Aug-13 12:12:54

OP please do leave, but make sure you seek help very quickly- women's aid and the police. This man has threatened to harm you, do not underestimate him or assume it was just something he wad saying. Once you're away from him, you need to make absolutely sure that you don't put yourself in a vulnerable position- don't meet with him 'to talk', don't believe any promises that he might make of changing. And see a solicitor very quickly about arranging supervised access to the DCs- I wouldn't want him taking them off on his own.

I'm sorry to scare you, but as an outsider reading your posts is chilling. This excuse for a man sounds dangerous.

Pozzled Thu 01-Aug-13 12:13:19

OP please do leave, but make sure you seek help very quickly- women's aid and the police. This man has threatened to harm you, do not underestimate him or assume it was just something he wad saying. Once you're away from him, you need to make absolutely sure that you don't put yourself in a vulnerable position- don't meet with him 'to talk', don't believe any promises that he might make of changing. And see a solicitor very quickly about arranging supervised access to the DCs- I wouldn't want him taking them off on his own.

I'm sorry to scare you, but as an outsider reading your posts is chilling. This excuse for a man sounds dangerous.

Jan45 Thu 01-Aug-13 12:17:11

Well done on leaving, what's the plans? The guy needs locked up, he sounds like a complete psychopath.

Inthefog Thu 01-Aug-13 12:20:47

My mom is coming now to get my stuff for me I'm staying there tonight and going from there.
I'm not going back this is it Thankyou everyone in scared but Im following my instinct here I fear he will do something to me if I stay.

SlightlyItchyBraStrap Thu 01-Aug-13 12:25:04

Saw this thread earlier, was coming back to tell you to get out without delay. So glad you have done. Hope you stay safe and do update if you need support.

Don't post your plans here - they can only put you at risk.
Best of luck with everything - don't let anyone on the outside tell you that you've done the wrong thing

GoSuckEggs Thu 01-Aug-13 12:27:33

.

colditz Thu 01-Aug-13 12:33:33

Don't forget birth certificates, bank statements, passports, driving licences and other car details, child benefit number proof, any wage slips. You'll need these if you need to claim benefits.

Stay in touch with MN, many people here have been in your shoes.

In the next few days he will promise to change, then probably threaten to kill himself if you don't let him take his children somewhere away from you. Neither of these is likely, what is likely is that he will kidnap them, so pleeeease don't let them go

ImperialBlether Thu 01-Aug-13 12:37:02

Do you know for definite he won't come back while you're packing? What he's doing is very, very frightening and I agree you should get out, but please get out safely. Your mum can come and pack up your things later if necessary. Just get yourself out.

NettleTea Thu 01-Aug-13 12:45:15

dont forget that if he hassles you or threatens you to get a non molestation/injunction thingie. I think they issue them quickly. I would also ring the police now and get it on record, tell them you are leaving and you are scared odf what he might do. You need to have a record of his threats to protect your children, seriously, however much he appears to 'love' them.
And he WILL cry, plead, promise and threaten to kill himself, so be prepared for this. You cant help him with that. You need to call emergency services if he does say it (dont discuss it with him, or tell him you will do this) If he is serious them he has a MH problem and they are the right people. If he is just sitting pretty and using it as a threat they will give him a bollocking and he wont dare do it again.... win win for you. You cannot be responsible for HIS problems.

LuisSuarezTeeth Thu 01-Aug-13 12:52:50

Well done OP don't delay. Get essentials and paperwork.

YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING.

Hugs and thanks and strength to you

LuisSuarezTeeth Thu 01-Aug-13 12:53:31

Go and be safe and please do ring the police.

TheSlug Thu 01-Aug-13 14:29:13

Just read this thread but wanted to say a massive well done. You've taken the first, very hard step. Stay strong. x

All the best OP.

SlimePrincess Thu 01-Aug-13 15:46:36

Well done and good luck x

FobblyWoof Thu 01-Aug-13 17:42:52

I only got as far as him bullying you into sex. That is not normal, not healthy and not right. At all. Especially considering he knew you didn't want it and carried on regardless. You don't deserve to be with someone as shit as this.

I'll read the rest of your OP later after I've fed DD, sorry I couldn't read it all now thanks

Inthefog Thu 01-Aug-13 17:53:06

I'm out now he is already harrassing crying on the phone saying he will change he rang me from my friends phone to trick me.
He's sent messages about twenty saying I'm to blame and I need to change. It's really confusing me that I'm in the wrong I know I'm not but he's twisting things.
I'm scared about everything my oldest is already crying he's six he loves his dad I feel guilty.
I can't let him mind game me I know that's what he's doing this is so hard.
I'm going to try and change my sim tomorrow it's an iPhone are the sims weird on those?
He can't trace me on here I'm using my mobile and he doesn't have a clue I've ever used this site im not a regular poster .

Stay strong op.
You will find an incredible amount of support here and a leaning post when you feel wobbly.

You are not to blame, you are just finding the strength to push yourself into a new, safe life.

Wherever you are, I hope you are getting some RL support.

YvyB Thu 01-Aug-13 18:14:46

You have done so well today. Stay strong and stand firm. His behaviour is appalling on every level and that is HIS responsibility, not yours. Your only responsibility is to keep yourself and your dcs safe. Not one person on here has suggested you give him the benefit of the doubt. That is because there is no doubt. Well done you for speaking out and then having the courage to act. You have been so brave.

MrsOgg Thu 01-Aug-13 18:18:06

Don't listen to him! Anyway, if it's all your fault he's better off without you anyway, right?

DON'T listen to him, your son deserves to grow up withour his mother geTting death threats!

Xales Thu 01-Aug-13 18:24:04

Stay strong. Don't read your phone.

This man has raped you, threatened to pour acid over your face and stab you in the face.

He did this. He is to blame for his actions.

You are not a person to him. You are property.

You are not to blame. Stay strong no matter how hard and scary. Your children need a better role model than a man who does this for them to copy!

BatwingsAndButterflies Thu 01-Aug-13 18:33:14

Well done OP, very pleased for you.

Yo can ring the police and advise them of the threats, they will put a flag on where you are staying and respond quickly if he turns up.

FairyThunderthighs Thu 01-Aug-13 21:36:01

Well done! You have done brilliantly. Turn your phone off, send a message to friends first saying you're OK and will be in touch soon but on a new number.
Don't even think about his texts, he will probably cycle through all sorts to try to get you back, not because he loves you but because he wants to control you. He will say it's your fault (it ISN'T), then he'll say you both need to work on things, then he'll say it's all his fault and he will change but he needs you, he might threaten suicide (report this to the police if he does). None of these things mean ANYTHING.
Good luck to you xxx

BerylStreep Thu 01-Aug-13 23:06:39

Have only read your OP - being emotionally abused is the very least of it. He is raping you and making threats to kill. If you haven't already, phone the police domestic violence unit for help and advice.

Will read the rest of the thread - apologies if this has already been said.

Noregrets78 Thu 01-Aug-13 23:20:24

Bloody hell OP! I've only just read your post - it's really bad. So glad to see you've made that decision so quickly after the penny dropping. Good luck.

Madlizzy Fri 02-Aug-13 00:19:34

you're amazing. you've done so well. if you've an iPhone 4 onward, you need a microsim. if you contact your provider, they'll sort you a new number.

minkembernard Fri 02-Aug-13 00:46:00

well done OP for getting out.
don't wait until he does something before you call the police. call 101tomorrow .tell them you have left an abusive partner who has made specific verbal threats to harm you (which is itself domestic violence as well as domestic abuse)

the police can log this infirmation but do not have to act on it unless you want them to.

but they need to know so that if anything happens they come quickly. i hope you don't need them but it is really important that they take any call from your address very seriously.

also make sure all you friends and anyone who deals with dc know you are in danger. they are not to give him your contact details or discuss you with him

and watch fb etc.

i would be wary of letting him see dcs anywhere other then a contact centre if at all for time being.
speak to WA. you may need to get a residence order naming you as the resident parent.

and if he tries to contact you disengage try not to get drawn in.

sorry OP. this is a massive amount to deal with. you have done brilliantly. no matter what he says now he will not change except for the worse so even if you start to feel very low or t miss him please don't go back. (it is surprisingly normal not to feel great once the adrenaline wears off so be ready for it...it does get better..) you have done a brilliant thing. when you are ready counselling, freedom program and come and rant on the EA thread that was linked above. there is lots if support for you here and in rl.

TheSilverySoothsayer Fri 02-Aug-13 01:36:59

Oh well done OP. Stay strong and stay safe. Hope to see you on the EA thread. So many women owe so much to that thread.

Inthefog Fri 02-Aug-13 06:38:32

Morning guys did not get much sleep last night. He started sending suicide threats I knew he would saying I had an hour to get home or he would kill himself then counting down you've got 20mins, 30 mins etc
He didn't do it as he was still texting me after that.
I've got up and feel more than ever than I want him out of my life last nights tricks and mind games just cement that.
It's difficult I still have a baby as well as my older children world feels all upside down.

Walkacrossthesand Fri 02-Aug-13 07:38:00

Why are these types so predictable? Completed suicide is the most tragic, awful thing - yet, within hours of being left, it's the threat that all these bullies 'pull out of a hat' to try to get their punchbag to come back. Is there any other aspect of human behaviour that is so universally predictable? BTW, I believe the advice is generally to call the police to go round and make sure someone's ok, if they're threatening suicide...not what ex will be expecting!

YvyB Fri 02-Aug-13 09:19:29

How boringly predictable. I know it's easy to say but just ignore. What he does is down to his free choice as an adult. It's nothing to do with you at all. You need to put all your energy in to securing the future for yourself and your dcs. I would def ring the police and send them round if he threatens again.

Anyhoo... you must have been on a massive adrenaline surge yesterday. You've done fantastically well. Don't be surprised if you crash and burn at some point. All that chemical energy needs to disperse and if you need to have a bloody good cry at some point, sit down and howl. We'll all be here to pass you virtual tissues!

If you have strength today get as much advice as you can. Try Womens Aid if you're not sure where to start. Might be worth enquiring about benefits too, just so you start to feel a bit more in control. This is day 1 of your new life but you don't have to eat the elephant all in one go. One bite at a time and keep breathing will get you through it just fine smile

minkembernard Fri 02-Aug-13 10:02:54

brewInthefog sorry for your tough night. maybe switch your phone offwhen you don't really need it. and agree with above call the police if he threatens suicide again. they can deal with him.

you should if you can log this as it is an attempt at coercive control which along with threats of physical violence is i believe illegal since the change in the law earlier this year. any evidence of DV will help you get legal aid if you need it. legal aid is no longer available for family cases except on cases of DV.
know it s a lot to take in but you may need this for your future.

wishing you strength fog. keep posting.

LuisSuarezTeeth Fri 02-Aug-13 10:43:07

Morning OP so very well done to you. Predictable he may be, but it's do hard on you.

Have you contacted the police yet? I promise it is the very best thing to do.

Stay strong, we are all here for you x

AllThatGlistens Fri 02-Aug-13 12:35:45

Thinking of you this morning OP, you are being so strong and have done exactly the right thing both for yourself and your children, I know it will take a little while for them to adjust but it will honestly be a much, much healthier environment for them to be safely with their Mum than living in a tense, scary atmosphere like that, they do pick up on the undercurrents, as much as you try not to show that you're afraid.

Wishing you lots of luck and happiness now you're safely away flowers

MegaClutterSlut Fri 02-Aug-13 12:43:46

It's his cheating that has made him extremely paranoid about you and it's definitely not normal behaviour. You have done the right thing smile

I'm really glad that you left op, wishing you and the dc's all the happiness you deserve flowers

cjel Fri 02-Aug-13 13:10:04

Think you are amazing tohave left Frog. I hope you have the support you need to see it through. Try not to let dcs make you feel guilty, they will have much better life when this has calmed down.
My b-il used to do the suicide threat thing and in the end my sil just txt back saying fed up with hearing about it if you are going to then just do it. He naver has!!!!

colditz Sat 03-Aug-13 02:09:33

Just bear in mind than I predicted this bullshit on Thursday. I don't know either of you, so unless he's behaving like a typical abuser, how could I have known what he was going to do?

You've had the weepy promises, and the suicide threats. Neither have got him his own way.

Now, batten down the hatches. He is about to make life difficult. Do not be surprised by, eg; calls to the social services, refusal to pay maintenance, claims that he can't afford to travel to see them, phone calls to them where he attempts to manipulate them into saying they want to 'go home', a smear campaign with acquaintances, random threatening visits to your new address.

Ignore. Unless he turns up at your house, ignore.

Inthefog Sat 03-Aug-13 07:15:37

I'm still at my mom's she wants me to call the police to get him out of the house so we can go back.
I don't know if I want that it's so difficult I want to be at my home but can't he will just harass me there anywhere won't he?
I haven't called the police on him as stupid as it sounds I feel guilty about calling them on him. Wish he would just leave so I can be on my own with the children but he won't he sent me a message saying he's not leaving.
I am going to have sort out somewhere for us to go I feel so stressed it's unreal not sleeping and stomach turning over.
The strength in me is just ebbing away at the moment

Chottie Sat 03-Aug-13 07:23:27

Stay strong and think of your children and yourself. This man sounds extremely dangerous and out of control.........

Moxiegirl Sat 03-Aug-13 07:35:08

You've done a really brave difficult thing. Have you tried women's aid for advice?

hotbot Sat 03-Aug-13 07:58:09

No experience of this, but listen to the very good advice of tHe previous posters, they have helped lots and lots of women. You are doing he right thing for you and your children, you are not being selfish.

Good luck
You can get a NORMAL LIFE back.

ThreeTomatoes Sat 03-Aug-13 08:29:56

Switch off your phone so you don't have to read his messages or take any calls, but KEEP all his texts & messages, they can be used as evidence of harassment/abuse.

Absolutely call the police.

Just saw this thread. Well done for getting out! It may be predictable on the outside, but it doesn't feel like that when you live it.
Do call the police, tell them of his behaviour and his threats. It is illegal what he has done, and they should be very helpful to protect you and the children.
He will probably be arrested and interviewed, and this may help him to see it is HIS behaviour that is unreasonable, not yours. It's not foolproof, but it also means that they may press charges, and he will be released on bail which usually means he is NOT allowed near the home, you or the children.
You are certainly not being selfish. It's breathtaking how selfish he is. My x was bad, but this man here is really well over the top. It seems that his mental health is deteriorating in how he views you, and that is not safe for you. Stay strong! [flowers}

glastocat Sat 03-Aug-13 08:51:48

He sounds completely terrifying! I'm so glad you have left, if I were you I'd move somewhere far away and not tell him where. And please go to Women's Aid, they can help you do what is best. stay strong!

LuisSuarezTeeth Sat 03-Aug-13 09:01:08

Fog go to NCDV they will help you to get an injunction/non molestation order. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

link here

Please talk to the police - it really will help I promise.

minkembernard Sat 03-Aug-13 10:04:23

OP I know it is hard to go to the police.apart from anything you probably fear his reaction. you can speak to the police and decide whether you just want it all logged or if you want them to visit him.
but do speak to them. for your safety. that is the most important thing right now: your safety.

It mus be horrible for you though. extremely stressful. and you should never have been put in this position but you are in it. so you must keep going.

onwards and upwards. it will get better.

get as much rl help as you can. police. WA. GP.

HommeDeLaMer Sat 03-Aug-13 11:40:30

Get out now and report it. You owe it to your children first, yourself second.

DameFanny Sat 03-Aug-13 11:51:23

Please call the police. Please don't feel guilty about reporting someone who's threatened you with acid and drowning. You need to be safe, he needs to be stopped. Report the suicide threats too - maybe he can get some medical help.

But don't let him see the kids yet - I'm genuinely worried that he would hurt them to get back at you. Seriously - you need some professional help - this man sounds so dangerous. you might not see it from the inside, but from the outside his behaviour is deeply chilling.

Ledkr Sat 03-Aug-13 12:12:22

I did some training recently run by women's aid and can tell you for definite this is abuse and the signs are very very serious.
Do not just leave, get professional help to make a planned safe exit.
Please.

minkembernard Sun 04-Aug-13 10:18:31

fog how are you today?
Hope you are managing to get through.
Sending you strength and good wishes. thanks

ElBombero Sun 04-Aug-13 13:58:38

Please get the police to help you get back into your home. I know it's a definite and final move but he needs to know you mean busy. The abusive texts should stop then too. Please don't do this without their intervention

LuisSuarezTeeth Sun 04-Aug-13 15:34:22

Hi fog thinking of you today. Hope you are getting some help.

Inthefog Sun 08-Sep-13 19:09:39

I wanted to update this thread for all the lovely lady's who helped me.
I did in the end go back home and get him out of the house unfortunately I'm still not in the best situation but better than it was.
Since he's been gone he's stalked me even broke into the house whilst I slept but denied it and I had no evidence.
He came back a few days ago he swings from being reasonable and coping to acting desperate. He asked if he could see the boys on Tuesday I let him come around he saw me on mobile and grabbed it off me and smashed it up he starting screaming at me like a raving lunatic saying he was going to strangle me I had to run out the house and ask a passer by to call the police. Since he's been gone he's stole my handbag and pretended it wasn't him and I've had my tyre slashed and he had to have the kids for an hour last week whilst I had hospital (this was when he was acting all nice with me) and he drew in biro all over my shoes and burnt cigarette holes in them.
He professes his undying love for me every single day I get confused when he shows his lovely side but then does all these weird things and denies it.
Sometimes I wonder if life was even better when he was here and I have been ill constantly since he's been gone with colds , kidney infections etc think it'd stress and not eating.
He got arrested last week but they always let him out.
I told my family if I get murdered it will be him that's done it.
He found out I slept with someone else on a drunken night out and his behaviour got more irrational after that. He even has my name in his phone as 'the whore' and has told everyone I cheated on him when we weren't even together.
I've been made to look the bad one somehow I need to move and keep ringing the agency everyday to see if another house has come up.
I stay here for normality and try to keep things normal for the kids.
Life is hard I'm so depressed and constantly question what I've done thinking well he wasn't that bad etc but then I write it down and it s that bad but somehow think of the good times to.
He blackmails me with money he knows I'm skint and told me Saturday if I said I loved him he would give me some and more if I sleep with him I did neither as I wasn't that desperate.
Family and friends give mixed advice some still think essentially he's a good person and deserves another chance others tell me never to go back.

Daily life is a struggle hope I've done the right thing guys x

foolonthehill Sun 08-Sep-13 19:24:30

He was that bad, he is that bad and I am so sorry that having had the guts to get him out you are still going through all this.

Get all the help you can, report everything.

You are amazing that you are still there putting one foot in front of the other and looking after your children.

many people will minimize his behaviour...you probably still do too...some things are too painfull to look full in the face...but one day it will help you to do that.

Get help from your GP, Women's aid, counselling, the freedom programme.

You deserve it and you need it.

Post on here and get lots of support, plenty of us have some experience of what you are going through.

keep going op, one day at a time and you will get to a better place.

foolonthehill Sun 08-Sep-13 19:27:05

Oh and by the way...he is a man, he has a choice about his behaviour and he is ENTIRELY in control of his actions, quite capable of hurting you and/or your boys, he can and will lie cheat and steal.

keep him out of your house, keep him away from your things, don;t let him in, use a contact centre for child contact and get advice from your police DV team and a solicitor.

he is dangerous and should be treated as such

NotHappyEither Sun 08-Sep-13 19:27:56

Please dont listen to the people who tell you to go back. You have done SO well getting this far. I'm sure someone will be along who knows more about this but maybe its time you got something legal about access with DC set down. It seems like you need to keep contact to a minimum.

NotHappyEither Sun 08-Sep-13 19:31:41

Yep foolonthehill said it a hundred times better than I did! If you need extra support lean on MN, you have done so well to get this far. I'm in awe of you to be honest.

Beccaloolah Sun 08-Sep-13 19:40:29

Honey, don't walk, bloody RUN.

Ruprekt Sun 08-Sep-13 19:47:58

He sounds like he either has mental health issues or is on drugs!

Run for your life. Really. Just run........

Inthefog Sun 08-Sep-13 20:08:27

He is a regular cannabis user ruperkt

Ruprekt Mon 09-Sep-13 00:31:27

Why on earth are you with this man? He is a shocking role model to your children. You would be so much better off without him.

Please leave him.

Jux Mon 09-Sep-13 09:48:47

He is that bad. In fact, he is worse than that bad.

You have been really steong, you got yourself and your children away to safety. You got him out of the house. Keep strong. Tell yourself everyday that you are great, because you are. What you have done is hard, and he will not make life easy for you, but keep going. Use all the agencies and organisations that are there to help you. When he attacks your house ormyou, call tye police. Just keep calling them, every single time.

Talk to Women's Aid. He is abusing you badly, and you need more rl support. Dn't listen to the people who minimise what he is doing, they are wrong.

Find a family law solicitor and get a free half hour for advice about what you can do to keep yourself and your children safe, and to help you find your way forward. Women's Aid can often give you a recommendation for a good lawyer.

Good luck to you. You are doing really well, but keep him out of the house.

Jux Mon 09-Sep-13 09:50:43

Sorry, meant to say to get a non-molestation order. That will ensure he keeps away, but if he does turn up he will be arrested immediately.

If you call 101 and ask for their DV officer, you will get more advice, and your phone number and address will be flagged so the police will come more quickly if you do call them.

foolonthehill Mon 09-Sep-13 12:03:28

flowers Inthefog...I think you need a new name...?fogclearing or getridofthefog strike chords with me.

hope you have phoned the DV team and Women's Aid...they will believe you and they can help.

Wow - he is totally off of his head.
Make sure you report everything to the police about what he has done.
Shoes, bag stolen, house broken into. Everything, even if you have no proof make sure you get it on record.
STOP letting him into your house.
Do NOT let him have access to the children unless it is via a contact centre.
The man is really unstable and I would hate for anything to happen to your kids.
Have you been in contact with CAB to get all your benenfits etc...?
Phone the police EVERY time he comes near you.
I fear for you, I really do.

Oh - and well done for getting him out of the house.
And I am not surprised one tiny bit about the use of cannabis!
Well done and stay strong!

Inthefog Mon 09-Sep-13 18:51:47

Thank you for all your words of advice. He came into my work today begging to come home saying he loves me etc
I'm glad it was in work because I feel I can get rid of him there at least I did tell him firmly I was at work and he had to go I told him I don't trust his behaviour and I'm scared he will hurt me he told me that he would never hit me or hurt me in that way.
I feel so confused and suffocated this past week it feels like he's creeping in again I told my mom and my friend about him but it feels like his behaviour is played down and I'm going mad am I ? I wish I could talk to someone outside the situation in RL who can I talk to women's aid do they give advice on the phone feel like no one is listening to me sad

AnyFucker Mon 09-Sep-13 19:00:21

We are listening to you

Have you tried Women's Aid ?

Love, you do not owe anyone a relationship. Please stand form. Yo are allowed to end it with him, and the police would agree if you keeps harassing you. If he keeps this up, report him.

AnyFucker Mon 09-Sep-13 19:00:32

*firm

Inthefog Mon 09-Sep-13 19:12:27

Thank you AF just feel like people normalise his behaviour I don't no if he does love me but I think it's more of an unhealthy obsession it's like he's obsessed with me or something :/

AnyFucker Mon 09-Sep-13 19:15:25

He wants to control you. When he has you back on the hamster wheel, he will revert.

AnyFucker Mon 09-Sep-13 19:18:40

People who don't understand the fine line between loving someone passionately and wanting to possess them will come out with all sorts of ignorant platitudes. Like "he just loves you", he "doesn't know what he is doing", you should "give him a chance to prove himself" and the worst one of all, "you should be flattered"

They don't understand, and for that be thankful for them

It's not helpful to you though. You know the truth, they are not living it like you are

Inthefog Mon 09-Sep-13 19:22:42

When I'm around him now I feel stifled badly and suffocated its taken him to be away to see how suffocating he was and I can't have that back again I like it on my own.
Just wish someone in RL would say things that I need to hear not 'I don't know' or 'do what you want to do' etc it doesn't help me.

captainmummy Mon 09-Sep-13 19:27:04

People minimise it OP because they don't want to hear your problms - they want to tell you their news. Hence the 'he doesnt mean it' and 'do what you want to do' - they are not interested. It doesn't concern them too much.

You know how much better you feel without him - and I agree he does sound obsessed and unstable, possibly mentally ill, and definitely violent. Please contact the police about every little thing - otherwise it will escalate.

AnyFucker Mon 09-Sep-13 19:31:15

You have to see it from their POV, love

if they say "you must leave him" and you go back, your relationship with them might never be the same again

people (well, most people) don't like to interfere in what they see as "domestic" issues. I am more willing to stick my oar in, here and in RL, but quite often I don't get thanked for it (and have had abusive messages on here for my trouble...)

the impetus has to come from you to stay away from him, I am afraid. If you look to others to validate your decision, then you could be waiting a long time

you don't need his approval nor his agreement to end this, nor do you need any body else's except your own. Own your decision, and it will get easier with time

This man is poison. You know this.

Jux Mon 09-Sep-13 19:55:40

You can do this. Stay strong. Holding your hand.

Inthefog Mon 09-Sep-13 20:01:40

Thank you everyone good to come on here talk and let it all out x

mammasita Mon 09-Sep-13 20:03:18

I highly advise you to notify the police about it not that they will do something but you will have a proof for later on , if you can afford it have a lawyer do it for you. You should not endure that and I am telling you, your husband is weak no strong man threaten and goes loud. He is cornered and wants you to forget it by putting the blame on you and doubting you which leaves little space for you to think about what he is doing. !!
I think you should start standing up for yourself and try to be independent from him and leave him !!!
And if he thinks you are too calm it is because he is scared of you leaving him ! Just do it !!

Madlizzy Mon 09-Sep-13 20:15:37

You really do need a nonmolestation order so you can feel safe. Talking to the police and women's aid will be a massive help to you - the police can put a priority marker on your house, women's aid can advise you on the practical stuff. Go and get that help, you've come this far, now it's time to take the next step. x

foolonthehill Mon 09-Sep-13 20:36:10

yup, they said it all...stay away, stay strong and if you have to wobble then wobble here....AF will stabilise you!!! and others will hold your hand and help you to see his abuse for what it is.

You owe him nothing, you can't fix him, you can;t change him...you are responsible for your life, choices and path. Choose to stay safe

Retroformica Mon 09-Sep-13 20:44:00

Have the people you are trying to get support from (mum etc) been in abusive relationships themselves? They may have normalised his behaviour. Or maybe they have just been taken in by his smooth talking?

It isn't normal. A normal loving relationship is noghing as you describe. Well done for taking the first steps.

MissMuesli Mon 09-Sep-13 20:46:05

Please don't go back OP, I feel scared for you just reading all this! Keep yourself a diary of every little thing, police report what you can and take pictures etc. I would temporarily stop contact with the children. He sounds dangerous OP and I don't think I would trust him aroun you or the children. Take care and stay safe, and don't let your friends/family minimise the abuse the are suffering/ have suffered. Your abuse is real, it is valid and it is wrong, no-one should have to live like that even if he is "sometimes a good guy" this is not normal FOG, take care x

thecook Tue 10-Sep-13 00:54:00

Please please leave love. There has been so many wise words on this thread.

Inthefog Tue 10-Sep-13 06:52:37

Thank you girls feel a little better today yesterday was a bad day for me.
I am going to talk to the police he has been arrested twice now. Than you

AllOverIt Tue 10-Sep-13 07:34:53

You've done the right thing. Stay strong.

We're here for you.

AllOverIt Tue 10-Sep-13 07:36:58

Keep a diary of everything he has been doing. Speak to Woman's Aid, the police, a solicitor.

Ignore people who tell you to go back to him. You're only 27, you're so young.

Good luck smile

mothermirth Tue 10-Sep-13 07:56:06

Inthefog you are doing the right thing. You are a strong woman. Please stay away from this man. He will only do you harm.

You have been very brave. Stay brave. smile

Jux Tue 10-Sep-13 09:20:52

Good decision, Inthefog. What have the police said this time? Oh, and while you're making calls, ring Women's Aid too; ot only will they give you rl support and the opportunity to talk to someone who knows what it's like, but they can recommend a solicitor for you too.

One step after another. Keep going. You can do it.

Oscarandelliesmum Tue 10-Sep-13 10:52:27

thank god you are leaving op.
I second the poster above. don't believe anything he tells you and don't let him anywhere near the kids ... He sounds very dangerous indeed, I too am scared for you all. All the red flags are screaming that he views you as a possession and therefore possibly the dc also . This is exactly the kind of person that kidnaps the children or worse if he is losing his power.

Oscarandelliesmum Tue 10-Sep-13 11:04:33

sorry posted too soon. Wanted to add that you sound really wonderful. Dont listen to the apologists. As AF says they should be grateful they don't know what they are talking about. Are the locks on your house changed yet?
My blood runs cold at the thought of him there while you sleep .

HoopersGinger Tue 10-Sep-13 11:52:38

Listen, I've been there. I got worn down by harassment. Had the same thought as you. I let him back in. His behaviour escalated. I got him out again but a lit of family and friends, the same ones he had used as a mouthpiece to get me back, turned their backs on me. The police where way less sympathetic because I went back to him. Please don't do it. I have no contact orders, restraining orders and he is keeping away. He presented as crazy and unstoppable and I almost gave into all of his demands because I truly believed it was the only way. Harassment wears you down and you need to block him out to get your strength back. Please be strong. I will be happy to message you with the legal steps I took and that was, eventually, without the support of the police.

HoopersGinger Tue 10-Sep-13 11:53:40

Sorry about errors, can't preview on my phone.

HoopersGinger Tue 10-Sep-13 12:00:33

Like Oscar says, it does sound like a risk of abduction. The ex I talked about did abduct our dd. You can apply for a residency order even without any contact or family court proceedings. This will take away the power he probably feels he has as the kids' dad and help keep them safe. in my experience those who try to act beyond the law need a definite reminder that they are not.

HoopersGinger Tue 10-Sep-13 12:03:36

Women's aid will put you in touch with a shit hit lawyer whi has seen it all before. The family lawyers I used independently were rubbish.

Inthefog Tue 10-Sep-13 13:52:31

Thank you so much I haven't been able to contact the police yet as my youngest is really poorly today.
I will do it tomorrow though and yes I did change the locks but they weren't changed when he broke in.
He just rang me asking how the kids were and thought he heard a man in the back ground I'm by myself so I told him that he kept asking who it was didn't believe I was on my own.
I spoke took this morning she told me not to have him back so scary starting again like this I go through all these emotions I'm strong one minute and crumbling the next.
The longer I'm away from him the more I realise I was not happy before I'm not happy now but really wasn't happy then either.

HoopersGinger Tue 10-Sep-13 14:52:39

Mine heard a child jumping in the bed while I spoke to him and accused me of having sex whilst on the phone to him!? Then of course you get trapped into explaining and desperately trying to defend yourself against these ludicrous, paranoid claims I am going to pm you.

HoopersGinger Tue 10-Sep-13 14:55:19

Missed a full stop there!

Oscarandelliesmum Tue 10-Sep-13 15:39:25

You are amazingly strong, even if you feel that you are crumbling. Keep tight hold of the knowledge that you are doing the right thing.

Tiptops Tue 10-Sep-13 16:09:43

You have been so brave and strong to have left inthefog Your opening post is awful, you do not deserve to be treated that way.

I too am scared for the safety of yourself and your children. I really hope some sort of non-molestation/ restraining order can be gained against your ex very soon. In the meantime, is there anyone who can stay with you and your DC? At the absolute minimum I think you need a third party present when he turns up.

Tiptops Tue 10-Sep-13 16:09:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tiptops Tue 10-Sep-13 16:09:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jux Tue 10-Sep-13 17:07:26

Brilliant, well done Inthefog!

Can you get a new sim for your phone? Keep the old one for contact with him, but use the new one for everyday use and don't give him the number. Tell him that you will only communicate with him about contact, and that will be by text. Ignore all other attempts from him to communicate with you. Get advice about contact asap, as it would be better if there were none until supervision can be sorted out.

Keep all texts from him. Try to record him if he turns up - but call the police if he does. DO NOT EVER LET HIM IN THE HOUSE AGAIN, of he wants pee he can use a tree, if he wants a drink he can get one from the shop, just do not let him in, and do not be alone with him. If you must meet face to face (and you don't have to) make sure it's in a busy public place.

You're doing fabulously. Keep going, it will be worth it.

AnyFucker Tue 10-Sep-13 17:34:17

What Jux said. Hoping you stay strong and stay safe.

Inthefog Wed 11-Sep-13 07:48:16

Thank you so much! Xx

Let us know how it goes with the police and don't forget to contact Womens Aid as well.
Keep strong and keep going - well done!

HoopersGinger Thu 12-Sep-13 23:37:08

Hi, hope you're safe and well OP.

Ruprekt Sat 14-Sep-13 20:53:12

Hope you are ok NotInTheFogAnymore smilesmilesmilethanksthanksthanks

Inthefog Sat 05-Oct-13 14:59:57

Thread update I'm still alone smile thankfully he has calmed down and apparently said he's on a dating site now.
He still messages me a lot the same old bollocks as always I've had friends and family asking me to give him another chance and I'm breaking up a family etc etc
Think everyone is forgetting all the stuff he's done to me and only remember the good parts which there was a lot of but there was a lot of bad to.

I miss being in a couple though but amazed at how many men who were friendly when I was married have now asked me out and said I was way to good for him everyone could see it but me. My X calls me selfish , whore , bad mother on a regular basis I look to others for reassurance that I'm not any of those things but do feel selfish on the kids like I put my own happiness first and that guilt may never go away.
He had EA for three years of our marriage and that's only the ones I knew about I'm sure there's more somewhere that's aside from his abusive behaviour.

He's lost his job aswell so I'm getting no money off him at all which is hard.
I question myself have I done the right thing what if I meet someone who's worse etc etc but figured would rather live alone that live like that anymore.

I'm enjoying myself again started going out at weekends went in two dates. People are saying to give him a second chance but I gave him chances I still have love for him though can't wait till that goes away but more than anything I feel pity for him which is sad I think.

Anyway thankyou for all your support u helped me get out for which I can never thankyou enough x

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