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Fuck Buddies can anyone tell me ?

(120 Posts)
Honeysucklerose Thu 01-Aug-13 06:55:30

Been wondering and what is it that is required when someone has a Fuck Buddy ?, curious really not come across this before.

pinkyredrose Thu 01-Aug-13 07:17:05

I've had a few. You just meet for sex and then go your separate ways. All v friendly and no emotions involved. If you think you might develop feelings or it's someone you already have feelings for then don't go there. Obviously you have to like the person and get on with them but there's an agreement in place that it's just sex and won't develop into a relationship.

With the right person it can work very well. You're both scratching an itch basically.

niceupthedance Thu 01-Aug-13 07:31:29

What is required? No romantic feelings for that person. Don't become FB with someone if you would really like to develop a relationship.

There are 'rules' some people have like no staying over, not seeing each other on a regular basis etc.

Dahlen Thu 01-Aug-13 08:01:24

Well-chosen FBs can work very well. IME, however, most of the time one person ends up getting hurt because they want the relationship to go somewhere. I think a lot of people make the mistake of thinking they can keep it just about sex because they don't want to risk getting hurt, and that is not the same thing as having no desire for an emotional connection but wanting regular sex. Like I say, it can work well if the right people are involved, but think about your motives carefully.

Also, just because it's not a relationship doesn't mean that you're not entitled to be treated with respect. The same standards apply for FBs as they do with anyone in life. You wouldn't accept being stood up by a work colleague, nor should you accept it from a FB. Consideration and courtesy should be a given.

Honeysucklerose Thu 01-Aug-13 17:16:58

Thanks no I would never consider it just was curious , couldnt handle that at all sounds very cold to me , but i DO APPRECIATE EVERYONE FOR TELLING ME how it goes ..........

BMW6 Thu 01-Aug-13 18:56:43

I had a FB once........

reader, I married him! grin

Honeysucklerose Thu 01-Aug-13 19:02:25

BMW6 - YOU DID? please tell me more that is if you care to share , happy for you !

BMW6 Thu 01-Aug-13 19:22:46

Well, I'd known DH as a friend for 2-3 years, one of a group of my mates who met up after work in local pub.

One fairly drunken night in the pub I said that I could really do with a shag (I'm SUCH a lady) and he said he would be happy to help me out or words to that effect grin, so he came home with me to DTD, and jolly good it was too!!

Well, this carried on for a few weeks, with me thinking we were just good friends who have sex, then he confessed that he'd thought I was The One the whole time he'd known me, and that he really loved me.

I realised that I loved him too, he moved in with me and a year later we got married (2005)

I was 47 and he was 45 when we married, so we were a bit elderly for the whole Fuck Buddy thing (I hadn't even heard the phrase till recently) grin

Honeysucklerose Thu 01-Aug-13 19:48:41

That is so lovely BMW6 what a great story , happy to hear how it worked out and so easily by the sounds of it !.........puts a whole new dimension on the term FB !, just shows you , you never know what or who is round the corner or right under your nose!

pointythings Thu 01-Aug-13 22:10:29

I think friendship is key - that, and nothing more. I had a fuck buddy when I was at uni - we had known each other for a while, always got on really well as friends. The decision to have sex was very rational - we were both single and wanted sex and cuddles.

He met someone and fell in love so I bowed out - there was no pain involved and our friendship returned to what it had been before. His gf knew about us (I knew her too) and knew exactly what the relationship now was - he and I met up very occasionally as friends (because we were both whisky buffs and she was not interested so we'd go to tastings - very public) and that was fine. She married him. I married DH.

You do need to be very, very honest to have an FB relationship that works.

HRHMargeSimpsonOfCornwall Thu 01-Aug-13 22:15:41

Have never had a fb. I just can't imagine liking somebody enough to want to sleep with them, but not enough to form some sort of relationship with them. So you like somebody, you trust them enough to sleep with them, you fancy them enough to want to sleep with them, you're honest with them and can communicate the exact nature of the deal to them? but that's it?? confused

It's predominantly a matter of rejecting both monogamy and any intention to move in together, get married or have DC. Not everyone wants to have a committed, monogamous relationship, after all. It can be fun, life-enhancing and convenient, if you are busy or committed to something more important than a couple-relationship but want a bit of fun now and again. There are plenty of people who are good in bed but, while not unpleasant, just aren't the sort of people you want to spend a lot of time with out of bed.

You need to engage your brain and behave ethically, though. Fuckbuddies should always be treated with the same courtesy as any other friend/workmate/family member. If you make a date, you keep it; if you're visiting the other person at his/her home it's polite to bring some wine or something.
If you are going to get distressed at the idea of your fuckbuddy fucking other people, then this sort of arrangement is not for you.
If you start getting upset during this sort of arrangement, it's very important to take responsibility for your own feelings and end the arrangement politely. Do not whine, stalk, or badmouth the other person for being 'damaged' when you are the one who moved the goalposts.
On the other hand, if you have several fuckbuddies, it's not polite to discuss them with one another, or to criticise one to another, and most of all it's rude to tell fuckbuddy A that you are fonder of fuckbuddy B or that B has a better body or a special skill or whatever.

Notfootball Thu 01-Aug-13 22:47:22

I had a fuck buddy and a great arrangement it was too. We started as a one night stand and enjoyed it so much that we continued to see each other for sex. We used to occasionally frequent the same bars etc so if we met up by coincidence, we would usually go home together. We did actually spend the night together most times as we lived about 10 miles apart so it was a hassle to drive home. We carried on for years and if one of us started seeing someone else, we'd just not meet each other until that relationship was over. I look back on that 'relationship' with much fondness, it worked well.

Honeysucklerose Fri 02-Aug-13 06:40:55

Thats really nterstng and makes it very clear what you do need and dont need to do when having FB, clear guidleines and taking responsiblity seems key to make it work ..............thanks for the imput everyone.

ofmiceandmen Fri 02-Aug-13 07:18:31

Hold on a sec everyone, let's not for one second pretend to Honeysuckle that it's an easy breezy care free situation. IME most FB connections end badly and have detrimental consequences. This also changes your psyche in future relationships where you always have one leg already out side your current relationship knowing your FB is waiting in the wings should things not work out.
Also comparing the sex in a FB situation to that of a 'normal' LT relationship is what causes most marriages to break down.

FB may be a recent coined phrase but men have been doing FB since time began. Women just never knew it. He was just sleeping with women even if they thought they were in a relationship. And you wonder why when he gets married he can't keep him zip shut.

in FB there is no pregnancy and down times when your partner needs support, you just put your clothes on and walk away. So it forms emotional calluses.

STI's etc.

Come on people. I'm not a puritan but how many emotional affairs exist because an old FB is in the wings.

And no I'm not trying to talk anyone out of having fun. but think long and hard Honeysuckle I've known many a person that has felt used after a FB abruptly ends. (imagine someone ending it with 'you're a poor sh*g' ewww)

pinkyredrose Fri 02-Aug-13 07:30:21

ofmiceandmen sorry that you didn't have a positive FB situation but those are some far flung claims you're making there.

I've had fab times with a FB with no emotional callouses as you so eloquently put it. Don't judge other peoples experiences by your experience.

Honeysucklerose Fri 02-Aug-13 07:48:05

OFmiceandmen- I thankyou for your wise words and wisdom and I actually agree how could no-one not get hurt , I dont know how it would not do your head in and cause hurt and disappointment , maybe fun to start but I could not handle the lack of emotion that seems to be the territory in this game , I will come clean and someone did suggest we become FB's, I declined , BUT SINCE HAVE BEEN curious to see how it goes if you like and how people cope with it ...............it seems very tempting but I thin k you need to know yourself before doing anything that can cause upset ............to me it is dangerous ground ..........and to be avoided at all costs.But I do not judge others and thank everyone for there experience on this as I said it is new to me and now I realise it is not for me .........but maybe suit others.

niceupthedance Fri 02-Aug-13 07:53:07

That's an interesting view, miceandmen. What you are talking about is committed people thinking of having affairs which is a different scenario.

Also it's not compulsory for someone to get their feelings hurt. I'm not looking for a monogamous relationship so fb suits me fine. If I or the other person ends it, so be it. It's about freedom in relationships, to me.

Also most people who do fb are ultra safe with their sexual health, more so than ONS or affairs. At least I have found that to be the case among my friends.

ofmiceandmen Fri 02-Aug-13 07:53:35

pink never had a bad experience, but thought it was worth while letting OP know that there is a flip side.

It's one thing to say 'pick wisely' but unless one knows what the consequences of picking badly can be ,then the advice is pointless.

All for fun grin

I married mine too smile

TBF, we were in a relationship first, but were young and stupid, so wanted different things. We split up and just stayed friends who had sex sometimes. About 5 years later, we realised we had both matured a bit and did actually want the same things, so got back together and got married later the same year smile

Honeysucklerose Fri 02-Aug-13 08:35:15

OOW that sounds lovely whispersof wickedness, if only I would be that fortunate!

Actually, there is a feminist angle to this, which is that monogamy is bullshit for women. It's not remotely natural and the propaganda in favour of it is a means of getting women to accept male ownership and embrace domestic slavery.

It's quite liberating for women to have NSA sex. It teaches you that you don't have to 'work at relationships' and you can just dump men who are boring, unsatisfactory or difficult. However, the idea of women having sexual autonomy rather than relationships being under men's control (he 'chooses' you, you have to 'keep' him) is really scary to a lot of people, hence all the waa-ing and baa-ing that starts whenever anyone talks about women having lots of different sexual partners.

HRHMargeSimpsonOfCornwall Fri 02-Aug-13 09:54:59

I disagree with SGB's take personally because it's not necessarily about expectations or future plans or wanting to conform is it? that is not why people sleep with other people......... it's about feelings isn't it?

and that's the bit that I can't get to stack up. I can't sleep with people if there's no attraction. I need to feel it. They need to be good company, good humoured, clever, attractive, generous........ and all of that before I 'feel' it. don't know. Envy you all that you have so many male friends/acquaintances that this comes to you. I don't know how.

HRHMargeSimpsonOfCornwall Fri 02-Aug-13 09:59:39

I don't want to get married. But there's a huge middle ground between wanting to suit yourself and wanting sex with somebody you don't feel much for.

If I'm a feminist, which I am, I want to have it on my terms. And those terms are, have to bloody well like the guy, and he has to like me and think well of me too obviously. Those are my terms. Not going to get sucked into believing that there is a feminist angle to NSA sex any more than I'm going to get sucked into patriarchal angles that I need to have a husband so that other people don't feel sorry for me.

I do agree with you about the 'not working at relationships' thing. I did have one relationship with a man who was ten years older than I am, and I enjoyed it for as long as I enjoyed it and then the minute I stopped enjoying it I ended it. If I'd been 22 I would have felt external pressures to try harder etc, work at it, just be part of a couple.

So, point I'm making SGB is that there 's a huge middle ground between not falling for the waltzing up the aisle happy ending bullshit and wanting /needing to feel something (or a lot) for the person you decide to sleep with.

HRHMargeSimpsonOfCornwall Fri 02-Aug-13 10:01:11

ps, I do totally agree with that not working at relationships thing though. NEVER again. If it is hard work, or it needs to be worked at then byeeeee

ALittleStranger Fri 02-Aug-13 10:06:40

I have no problem with the FWB dynamic. I think my objection is really one of labelling: What people are talking about it as relationship where you don't see a future together. Maybe as adults we need a way to describe the "going out" relationships we had as teenagers, or be more European and embrace the concept of a lover.

But most set-ups people describe as FWB just seem like a casual relationship, but we're all so bloody terrified of the relationship word. I just think people need to be more honest. It's like we can't get our heads around the idea of a relationship that doesn't involve wedding bell fantasies, and that's a backward step in my view.

I don't understand people who say they are looking online for a FWB etc. It's not a FWB if they're not actually your friend...

TheSecondComing Fri 02-Aug-13 10:07:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Missbopeep Fri 02-Aug-13 10:18:32

With respect I don't think BMW6 was a FB situation- it was more a one night stand which developed. If each of them had been open from the start and said ' i have no romantic feelings for you , never will, and don't ever want any attachment with you' then that imo is a FB.

I hate to get into the feminist argument here but better people than me ( more knowledgeable about sex etc) such as Suzy Grigson, has written quite a lot about FB and believes that by and large it doesn't work for women because our hormones kick in- we create a bond with a guy we sleep with.

Many moons ago , when single,I had a kind of thing ( almost) with a guy who wanted a FB but was wary because in his words ' it would change things between us' and he fully acknowledged that it was very hard to tread the line between being good friends and having a shag now and then, and being good friends, shagging and neither person wanting more.

Missbopeep Fri 02-Aug-13 10:22:41

That should be Suzy Godson- sorry.

niceupthedance Fri 02-Aug-13 11:53:16

Aren't FBs and FWB different things? I don't socialise with my FB, we're not friends, we're lovers. We still have meaningful conversations, laughs etc. just not in a bar or restaurant.

Honeysucklerose Fri 02-Aug-13 12:00:03

How about woman in her 50's been really abused in the past with relationships ............been single for a while , misses sex naturally , but does not work in an environment to meet any new males .................so what are we to do?............stay celibate ?, I know t is a hugely controversial topic but I think for some people it may suit there needs , maybe for the short term who knows , but it boils down to us being human and having a basic human need when all said and done.

Wishihadabs Fri 02-Aug-13 12:07:28

I'm not sure I've ever had a fb. But I have had sex with several male friends without
a) Falling head over heals in love
or
b) messing up our friendship.

Some of them it happened just once others more than once. I for one and most of my girl friends were more than capable of having no strings sex.
Atm I have a very happy sex life with DH, but if that relationship broke down I have a few good male friends that I'd be touch with...

Wishihadabs Fri 02-Aug-13 12:11:33

Just googled FWB I guess that's what I have enjoyed in the past.

Wishihadabs Fri 02-Aug-13 12:11:47

Just googled FWB I guess that's what I have enjoyed in the past.

Honeysucklerose Fri 02-Aug-13 12:16:08

Yea I agree wishihadabs, A FWB would be so much better and hopefully last longer than a FB !, tis a funny world we live in now I tell you, but guess it is nothing new , people been doing it for hundreds of years , it is just we talk about everything now on cyber space!

Wishihadabs Fri 02-Aug-13 12:22:25

Best sex I ever had was fwb.We still see him and his dw occasionally. Don't think either of us have a problem with that.

Honeysucklerose Fri 02-Aug-13 12:44:13

Sounds all good wishi !

YoniBottsBumgina Fri 02-Aug-13 12:49:38

I think it works for some people, and not for others. It wouldn't work for me because I don't feel sexual attraction for somebody unless I like their personality enough to want a relationship. For me, sex = a relationship. For others, sex is just sex.

Honeysucklerose Fri 02-Aug-13 12:56:43

I know I am the same wish i wasnt sometimes ......................thats life what works for one doesnt always work for another ho hum......

Missbopeep Fri 02-Aug-13 13:13:46

Honeysuckle- haven't read all the new posts- but is this you you're describing?

If so, I'd say get over the abuse with counselling and decide if you want a relationship or not in the long term.

I don't see how age is a factor- loads of mature ( or younger) men out there.

Or- to really avoid complications, book yourself a male escort- that makes it very clear what each person wants- straightforward transaction with no horrible things called emotions involved. smile

Whothefuckfarted Fri 02-Aug-13 13:19:49

99/100 times Fuck buddy situations turn sour.

One person pretty much always gets too emotionally invested in the other.

Notfootball Fri 02-Aug-13 13:20:07

I agree with Yoni that for some sex is just that and others can only have it in a relationship. I am able to separate the two and I think that is why I found it easy to have a FB. I respect and accept both sides of the coin, neither is better than the other.

Notfootball Fri 02-Aug-13 13:24:12

I would be interested to know if anyone has had a fuck buddy situation turn sour. Not every outcome can be perfect, though I don't think it's as high as you say Farted. Not unless there are a shedload of MN fuck buddies keeping shtum.

Honeysucklerose Fri 02-Aug-13 13:29:16

Miss Bopeep - you give us food for thought!

madamginger Fri 02-Aug-13 13:31:13

Before I met dh I had 2 FWB. One was a good friend and it scratched an itch, It would have been nice to take it further but we were both very young and going in different directions.
The other was a guy I knew from the local bar scene, he was gorgeous to look at but soooo not my type. We had a few laughs and went our separate ways the next morning.
Neither of them expected more (or got it)

goodasitgets Fri 02-Aug-13 13:32:55

I've had the same one for 16 years blush

Honeysucklerose Fri 02-Aug-13 13:35:37

Oh as goodasitgets you sound sad hope your okay , did it not end well?

goodasitgets Fri 02-Aug-13 13:39:44

No not sad - we are still going after 16 years!!! Mainly blushing grin

Dahlen Fri 02-Aug-13 13:40:30

Hmm, not too sure about the hormones thing. Isn't oxytocin the bonding hormone? I thought that was released at orgasm. Men and women both have orgasms, and since sex seems largely to be defined by the male orgasm rather than the female one hmm I'd say men probably have more oxytocin stimulus than women. Although women can have more than one I suppose...

Love/lust is certainly a chemical process and has evolved to encourage us to pair bond as a means of continuing the species, but we're not completely at the mercy of it. I've seen nothing to suggest that men are better able to divorce feelings from sex than are women. In fact a lot of the more recent research suggests just the opposite.

That said, I think very few people - male or female - are truly capable of having completely emotionless sex. I think for most people the spark that ignites lust is the same thing that makes us interested in that person as a person. That's not a value judgement BTW. I'm all for people having sex in whatever way they please as long as they're careful. It's just IME FB/FWB situations often go wrong, which isn't to say always, although it's usually down to lack of self-awareness by one or the other; those who know themselves well and know their limitations tend to do quite well out of it.

Notfootball Fri 02-Aug-13 13:41:09

16 years! Well, if it ain't broke...

goodasitgets Fri 02-Aug-13 13:43:06

I know. I try not to think how long it's been because I feel old. Technically it's only 13 years of sex but we first kissed age 13...

Honeysucklerose Fri 02-Aug-13 13:44:05

Thank goodness Goodasitgets, you are fortunate and nothing to blush about it obvouisly works for both of you !

Honeysucklerose Fri 02-Aug-13 13:45:14

Aww sounds like you have known one another for a long time lovely !

goodasitgets Fri 02-Aug-13 13:45:50

Yeah it's a v odd situation. It's not emotionless, I've had sex that isn't at all emotional before and it's not like that with him, we are very loving and laugh together etc

Viviennemary Fri 02-Aug-13 13:48:48

This might all sound very well and a good idea all round. But there have been a few threads when relationships have started out this way and then one person wants more. Personally, I think it's a recipe for disaster.

Missbopeep Fri 02-Aug-13 13:50:05

Dahlen you need to do some research on this. It's out there if you want to look but be warned that even amongst the experts there are some differences of opinion.

I think the OP started the thread to ask about FB. These are different IMO to FWB.

The latter are friendships or casual non exclusive relationships that might develop and might not, and include sex. I find it hard to understand how most relationships don't begin like that unless each person says what they want and don't want at the beginning- and even then we all know how feelings change.

A FB on the other hand again solely IMO is someone you meet with the intention of having sex with, you might have a drink/chat etc, but in between you don't think about each other, there are no emotions involved and no possibility of a relationship.

I have to admit I don't know many people who have been in either of those camps. Those that I do know were sometimes getting over a long relationship and really wanted casual sex with NS. But it's very hard to be sure that both people want that because no matter what people say at the start, feelings can change. I've known men who had FB or FWBs and the women turned into bunny boilers, and I'm sure the same thing happens the other way round.

Wishihadabs Fri 02-Aug-13 13:55:58

Who said the sex was emotionless. Obviously I wouldn't have sex with someone I didn't fancy and get on with at some level. But it feels less honest to manufacture an exclusive relationship just because you enjoy each other's company than just to get it together when you both feel like it.confused. In more than one case we were both coming out of long term relationships and a bit of friendly cuddles and sex was just what the doctor ordered. smile.

It goes without saying I always practice safe sex unless I know someone's HIV status.

DiaryOfAWimpyMum Fri 02-Aug-13 13:59:44

I don't know if mine was a FB or FWB but I used to meet up with a guy, I knew there would never be anything else other than us meeting for sex, we were (online) friends, hen after 5/6 months I drove to have sex with him meet him

he lives 50 miles away and I don't want a relationship with him and he doesn't want one with me and I got bored driving to see him tbh so havent seen him for almost a year, he still texts now and then but I cbarsed.

I find on dating sites most men are looking for this. It's okay if you're not looking to get involved.

Missbopeep Fri 02-Aug-13 14:02:25

I don't think anyone said the sex was emotionless.

I think what I and other people meant was that you didn't develop feelings for that person. In other words 'love' was never an option, or missing them, or wondering what they were doing, and wanting to be with them more than you currently were.

I doubt I could be a FB or a FWB because I've only ever had sex with men I've really, really liked and want to spend more time with- and who are available for something more than sex.

If though my circumstances ever changed and I was single, as a very mature woman, who didn't ever want to re-marry or co-habit, then I might consider it, but I still keep coming back to the fact that I fancy very few men and they have to do it for me intellectually as well as physically.

goodasitgets Fri 02-Aug-13 14:03:27

Someone further up thread mentioned emotional attachment, I was just posting in regard to my situation smile

goodasitgets Fri 02-Aug-13 14:04:55

I get you now smile
I've had men that I've fancied more and felt more for but somehow the sex seemed more clinical? Odd stuff love and sex and relationships!

Missbopeep Fri 02-Aug-13 14:09:32

Ok.

I'm afraid I can't understand how sex is an appetite waiting to be satisfied like other appetites, and not involve some emotional attachment.

Getting your kit off and being that intimate with someone is a pretty big thing , imo, [ as it was in a piece written by sex expert Suzy Godson, and I wish I could find the piece!].

I don't know how people can do it, as if it was just having a cup of coffee. I am pretty sure that in general men can do this more easily than women, and I'm also pretty sure that a lot of online dating is based on this, especially with men who are not really available for a relationship ( ie married, committed or just players.)

scrazy Fri 02-Aug-13 14:10:08

I've had FB's in the past, although we didn't call it that. The ones I didn't dump after a few weeks I got hurt by. Feelings developed and the only wanted me for a shag, horrible situation, but I was young and got over it.

Had what the guy thought was a FWB situation recently, again my feeling developed and I wanted to be his gf, he wanted to see other people, horrible situation and not sure I can get over this one.

moomoo1967 Fri 02-Aug-13 14:10:08

My experience of one was when I got chatting to a bloke on POF, we met up for a drink. Neither of us wanted a full blown relationship but we did want to have a bit of fun now and again. It suited us both at the time, he never used to sleep over. We just used to meet when DD was at school. The fact that he ran his own business probably helped with that. He always said that if I met somone not to worry about him, which is eventually what happened. And 5 years later I am still with the bloke that I met. It was all very amicable. I would say that the situation doesn't harm anyone as long as a FB is what you both want and no emotional attachment develops from either side.

goodasitgets Fri 02-Aug-13 14:11:44

I respect him, and I love him as in I've known him since we were 13, like anyone I've known for that long I would be upset if anything happened to him. I don't know if I'm in love with him, I really don't. But our situation is more complicated than most FWB/FB

YoniBottsBumgina Fri 02-Aug-13 14:12:31

Honeysuckle, reading between the lines on your post (please stop me if I'm wrong!) it sounds like you want a relationship but are scared of being abused again, which of course is a genuine fear and one which is not unfounded.

I don't think you really want a fuckbuddy do you? You want sex but you also want the other nice parts of a relationship, without all of the hurt that comes with an abusive one.

Have you ever heard of the Freedom Project at all? It's really great for helping you change your attitude towards relationships and start only accepting healthy relationships, from the start. It's designed for people who seem to only end up in abusive or unhealthy relationships, it can help you look at the way you react to things and also help you reassess what kind of treatment you will accept from others.

YoniBottsBumgina Fri 02-Aug-13 14:13:05

Freedom Programme, sorry! www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Wishihadabs Fri 02-Aug-13 14:14:18

I think the shackling of sex to romantic love is a tool of the patriarchy in order to treat women as property. It is possible to want to have sex with several people, you can only be in love with one person. You don't need to be in love with someone to have sex with them, you don't fall in love because you have sex.

niceupthedance Fri 02-Aug-13 14:15:35

Msbopeep - I suspect people do it because it's fun? Like other fun activities...

glendatheveryexcitedwitch Fri 02-Aug-13 14:16:27

I had a fb and it was the best thing that happened to my sexuality and improved relationships afterwards no end.

With my fb there were no expectations, no will he call me, no what does he think of me - I could be quite selfish.

We would meet up every 6 weeks or so after an exchange of steamy emails/texts and have a few glasses of wine and a chat first and it seemed like the most natural thing in the world to then go to bed (shower/kitchen/stairs) together, and after a cuddle and a coffee me or him toddled off with a beaming smile!!!!

With sex we had no inhibitions and could be as adventurous as we liked (fortunately it didn't ever cross the line - but had it there was no pressure and we would have chatted about it) he was my mr grey!!

There were never any feelings other than lust - he was too selfish, and narcissistic for me and when I found a relationship we chatted as friends and he become a flat mate for a few months with no awkwardness at all.

I was lucky that I met him and we had what we had - I know not every fb situation is the same, nor for everyone!!!

Wishihadabs Fri 02-Aug-13 14:20:25

My most successful fwb was far too wet and wussy for me in rl. But a wonderfully sensitive lover .

Missbopeep Fri 02-Aug-13 14:21:03

Well, they are entitled to this 'fun'. Fun for me does not include taking my clothes off and doing very intimate things with a man I may hardly know, who doesn't give a fuck about me outside the bedroom, and who doesn't want to spend time with me apart from being between my legs.

But if other people like that, that's ok- up to them !

Honeysucklerose Fri 02-Aug-13 14:28:46

Yoni -you got me spot on A big thanks i will check out the Freedom Programme thanks you got to go out now catch you again i do appreciate it x

Missbopeep Fri 02-Aug-13 14:49:02

moomoo your description sounds scarily like someone I know of who's on POF ( the guy!) Lives SW? ( narrows it down a lot!)

valiumredhead Fri 02-Aug-13 14:55:05

I married minegrin

niceupthedance Fri 02-Aug-13 15:11:38

If you want to view it like that then that's up to you, some people like vanilla sex and cuddles, some people like non mainstream sex. I don't think any of my FBs have 'not given a fuck' about me but I could be wrong. Mostly as long as they are respectful (and let's face it, many so-called monogamous relationships are far from that) I don't really mind what their views are. I'm not the thought police. I also don't need to be adored and worshipped - I guess some might require that though. Everyone's different.

mindyourownbusiness Fri 02-Aug-13 15:16:43

No this wouldn't be for me I'm afraid. Too much of an emotional sponge person to not get attached to a person I liked enough to regularly have sex with and was also a friend. I mean ffs I love my 'normal' friends to pieces and drive them mad when pissed by constantly telling them so and buying them soppy 'worlds greatest friend' fridge magnets and so on. That's obviously without any sexual relationship in the mix at all.
Yeah I'd be in titters after two or three of these 'casual' encounters , professing undying love and the chap would be three blocks away faster than Hussain Bolt. grin

Wishihadabs Fri 02-Aug-13 15:18:57

Misbopeep I think you and I are very different . Most of these lads had seen me in a swimsuit or my underwear before. I spent a lot of time skinny dipping and night swimming in my late teens/early 20s.

Getting naked has never been an issue really.

mindyourownbusiness Fri 02-Aug-13 15:21:10

Sorry yes niceupthedance very good point about monogamous relationships often being 'not all that' for some people. Also your post reminded me to add that however I don't judge other people who choose to have these kind of relationships at all. Just not for a soppy emotional lightweight like me grin.

TheSecondComing Fri 02-Aug-13 15:24:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Missbopeep Fri 02-Aug-13 15:26:52

LOL at seen you in your underwear or swimmy cossie first!

Hundreds of men have seen me in the latter but they don't fuck me.

I don't have any issues with anyone seeing me naked, but that's not quite the same as having sex with them.

I didn't say anything about the requirement to be worshipped or adored nice. Just not being used as a sex object would be enough.

I do think- and I know this will ruffle some feathers- that at its extreme, a FB is just the same as a prostitute or escort, except you know them a bit anyway, and no money exchanges hands.

valiumredhead Fri 02-Aug-13 15:29:05

You can like someone and have sex with them, and respect them but not want a relationship. I think some people assume that the people don't give a shit about each other and treat each other as objects.

goodasitgets Fri 02-Aug-13 15:34:51

I think it definitely depends on each individual. We text in between meeting each other and we have mutual respect. He is always honest and open with me and vice versa. I wouldn't have sex with someone who didn't treat me well, he does (or acts like!) he cares for me

niceupthedance Fri 02-Aug-13 15:36:31

What Valium said. My current FB and I want different things from life, therefore it's better to not get involved on an emotional level. I don't think this makes either of us prostitutes. confused

Wishihadabs Fri 02-Aug-13 15:40:12

Hmmm I guess the heirechary went something like this
Seeing each other fully clothed
Getting changed in front of each other
Sleeping on each other's floors
Sleeping in bed together but not doing anything
Having a bit of a cuddle/grope certainly being aware of each other's body and arousal.
Non penetrative sex
Peneraterative sex
Less vanilla sex

You don't go from 1 to 8 without going through 2-7 in order maybe over 1 night maybe a few.

MariaLuna Fri 02-Aug-13 15:40:56

On the other hand, if you have several fuckbuddies, it's not polite to discuss them with one another,

No, of course not. But you do have to be honest that you have other fuck buddies, from a sexual hygiene point of view. Condoms don't hold back everything, after all (Herpes/warts).

Missbopeep Fri 02-Aug-13 15:43:31

Am I right to think that was very student lifestyle behaviour wish?

Wishihadabs Fri 02-Aug-13 15:45:14

Yes met DH at 22.

NachoAddict Fri 02-Aug-13 15:47:44

I have had a few but usually one party or the other ends up wanting more and getting hurt. I ended up married to one fb and when that ended 8 years later I sorted out another no strings relationship who I am currently living with 3 years on.

Notfootball Fri 02-Aug-13 15:50:46

missbopeep do you not think that women can enjoy sex without love? Do you see the male FB as a prostitute or escort as well or just the woman?

Dahlen Fri 02-Aug-13 15:57:34

The difference with an escort of prostitute is that s/he is only there because they want a cash payment and sex is the means to that end. For the FB sex is the end. I don't think they are comparable.

All that said, I do think that sex for men and women is very different, but mainly physically. Men can't get pregnant. Women are 3x more likely to catch STDs than men. Women are way more likely to suffer internal injury if things get a little rough (consensually or otherwise) and female-on-male sexual assault is less common than male-on-female sexual assault (including rape). Sex for women is a much riskier business. That can, of course, translate emotionally, meaning some women would prefer the (perceived) 'safer' context of a relationship, but it could also mean that women are better at detaching emotionally, because that's also a typical response to threat.

JoylessFucker Fri 02-Aug-13 16:03:05

Hmmmm ... can I just check with you Missbopeep who do you see as paying who if an FB were to be a prostitute?

The problem with your thought process is that you appear to view the woman as some sort of prize to be gained via either the payment of love or money. With the vast majority of FB arrangements, made between grown-up, honest and respectful people, they both benefit from the arrangement. So seriously, who would be paying who?

JoylessFucker Fri 02-Aug-13 16:08:54

TBH, Missbopeep, I'm not really sure why you felt it necessary to be so derogatory. I have FBs, I'm one of the grown-up, honest and respectful people who benefit from such an arrangement. I have friends who agree with me and those who do not. Oddly, I have never found it necessary to call them chicken, to suggest that they were uptight or frigid (or any other derogatory names), nor would I refer to anyone who made that choice in such a manner on a public forum.

Maybe you could take a look at why you felt it necessary to draw that parallel?

Missbopeep Fri 02-Aug-13 16:15:40

Read more carefully- I said a prostitute or an escort- the former is usually a woman and the latter a man. That invalidates your argument about who is paying whom and all that stuff about women.

Missbopeep Fri 02-Aug-13 16:17:27

For someone who is so happy with her lifestyle choice you sound pretty uptight and defensive, imo. And stop talking bollocks about a public forum. How long have you been on MN if you hadn't noticed the straight talking?

valiumredhead Fri 02-Aug-13 17:01:25

Miss, for someone you had no experience of fwb you have an awful lot to say on the matterwink

valiumredhead Fri 02-Aug-13 17:01:54

Who has

Missbopeep Fri 02-Aug-13 17:12:05

Yep wink wink wink

Golferman Fri 02-Aug-13 19:44:58

My wife and I have been together for 40 years (married for 38) we have an open marriage and are swingers too. As well as meeting other couples we both have a few FBs and it works for us, enhancing our already great sex life which is certainly more active between us then when we first got together. Just my penny worth of experience.

Honeysucklerose Sat 03-Aug-13 07:53:21

well golferman that is alot of sharing you did there!

ALittleStranger Sat 03-Aug-13 08:22:24

The likes of MisBoPeep et al depress me. You seem to have a view of female sexuality which isn't very sexual and is all about snaring a man. Women are allowed to be discerning and for me my time and commitment is more valuable than my body, and there are some men where just having them between your legs as you so snippily put it is quite enough.

I don't know why it's so hard to imagine that there could be someone you find attractive and have fun with but don't want to be in a relationship with. If I'm honest casual, non-monogomous relationships hold a lot of appeal for me right now, but they're so hard to negotiate because men always want more, so you end up falling into the "girlfriend" role to be polite.

pinkyredrose Sat 03-Aug-13 12:53:58

missbopeep you think that prostitutes are usually women and escorts are usually men? hmm

You may do well to do some research as you don't seem to know what the hell you're talking about.

Golferman Sat 03-Aug-13 19:05:09

I was always taught to share Honeysuckle, quite literally in this case :-D

Honeysucklerose Sat 03-Aug-13 20:08:11

Well if it works for you and your wife thats great , different people different strokes and all that!

JoylessFucker Mon 05-Aug-13 11:46:53

missbopeep oh deary deary me ... yes, I'm very familiar with the "shoot from the hip" attitude one finds on MN. It why I love this site so much. However, I usually find rather more wit and humour than you are displaying on this thread.

As for being uptight & defensive, don't make me laugh. You're the one being a tight arse about grown women discussing having a fuck buddy. Time for you to take a good look at yourself before you start shooting your mouth off without discrimination.

Missbopeep Mon 05-Aug-13 13:50:42

Hmmm...when you mentioned people having the nerve to post such and such on a 'public forum' ( which you found distasteful) I couldn't help thinking that some posters have user names which - on a public forum- may be considered by some people to be rather offensive.

JoylessFucker Mon 05-Aug-13 15:54:10

My profile name was taken from a thread I participated in on here. A poster who was happily shooting from the hip on a subject she knew nothing about (and I knew a lot about) called me one. In that instance, I was more than happy to be one of a number of posters to be dubbed such ... and it tickled me ... so I adopted it.

Oh and please review my message, I didn't say I found it distasteful. Actually what I found it was simply unnecessary. It added nothing to the discussion, didn't help get your point of view across and just seemed to drag things into the gutter. Until you made that post, I felt you were presenting your case well and thought it was a shame that you went off tangent.

mindyourownbusiness Mon 05-Aug-13 16:02:18

Anyone else cant get the image of that swinging couple on Benidorm when reading Mr Golfermans post.

Sorry no offence Mr G I am sure you and DW are nothing at all like that.

grin

I have generally found that people who disapprove of sex without commitment (as distinct from just not wanting to engage in it themselves) are people who are quite happy with a patriarchal society and who are basically not very clever. This very definitely includes 'sexperts' whose understanding of basic biology is completely lacking. All this guff about women's hormones making them weeping slaves of the cock has no actual, scientific, practical truth at all. It just suits men to insist that women can't ride on their mighty willies without immediately becoming desperate to do their housework.

MikeSmith2013 Thu 19-Sep-13 19:19:05

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DollyTwat Thu 19-Sep-13 19:35:37

I've had a few FWB
Best sex I've ever had

I'm a consenting, willing adult. Suits me as I don't want a relationship at the moment

lurkinglorna Thu 19-Sep-13 19:40:51

you end up falling into the "girlfriend" role to be polite.

Love that line grin I'm trying to detach a Dr from me right now.

oh god fuckity fuck its like handing notice in at work...confused

Yougotbale Thu 19-Sep-13 23:41:40

I think FB works well and has for me in the past. I realise this wont work for everyone. My friends that can't handle it are the ones that are never single for more than a few months. They go from relationship to relationship. They always have to have a partner. My friends that make FB work, are very capable of long term relationships but don't need to be in a relationship. They wouldn't feel any pressure or flinch at being single for 5 years. I suppose they have more understanding of who they are.
I'm 34, so what I have noticed for people my age is that FB starts early in life and people figure it out quite quickly. (I say my age, because I'm not sure if FB as we know it know would have same definition for my grandad when he was young. He says there was a lot more societal and religious pressure on his sexual freedom).

lurkinglorna Thu 19-Sep-13 23:50:30

Excellent points there Yougotbale smile

Funnily enough, one of the reasons why I have a "lover" rather than a boyfriend more often, is that I take a committed relationship VERY seriously when I'm in one, or what's the point?

One of my dates this summer cuntwas taking the piss out of me when I said that last year when I did some bar shifts to help with the bills, I wouldn't accept very big tips from single guys as I was in an LDR at the time and it felt disloyal. All in or not in, I don't even cheat "in my head" smile

But "because" I take relationships very seriously, I also take getting into one very seriously. I'd rather not call someone my "boyfriend" and then be all half hearted about it.

(but I can't go for years without "some" romance and naked intimacy, hence the need for a lover or three! grin)

Msbluebozooka Fri 20-Sep-13 00:22:42

Missbo have you ever been to an Anne Summers party and bought a great big dildo at 40 quid ? . Well FB are much cheaper and even go down on you too , for free !! It's ace try it and see !!

JaceyBee Fri 20-Sep-13 01:02:26

I've been single for 2 years since separating from exh and I'm a huge fan of the fwb/fb arrangement. I currently have several. While I don't go out of my way to tell them all the details of my relationships with the others, they all know that they're not exclusive with me and we are free agents who can do what we want.

I have decided for many reasons that I don't want a committed relationship again, at least not for a while but I love sex and want it as regularly as I can. I care a lot about them all, I enjoy their company and like hanging out with them in and out of bed. I'm just not in love with them and therefore don't feel any jealousy or concern about what they get up to when not with me.

I understand it's not for everyone but it works very well for me, I have done it a lot over the years (when single) and it has never 'gone sour'. Basically I agree 100% with SGB (as I nearly always do!)

Lavenderhoney Fri 20-Sep-13 03:25:11

I have known plenty of people with FWB, mostly drifting together after a night out, and some have ended up together.

I knew one woman who actively turned her nose up at FWB/ ons as she needed to feel loved and respected. yet she was a serial shagger of married men- " we have such a connection, its so special" Ffs.

I never saw any problems, it was only when one got into a relationship and met the FWB it could be awkward, if that new person couldn't accept that their partner had had a sexual history, which can happens whether it was a ons or Ldr.

I think it seems sordid when one person is being used by the other and dtd to try to force a relationship, but as there should be no expectations of anything outside FWB, it shouldn't happen. They are a friend already iyswim. If you start to get feelings for your FWB lover, or not doing things as it means you won't see them, like dating! fess up and stop seeing them. And if you sense them getting feelings for you, stop at once!

Its so complicated- maybe just go for a conventional relationship?smile

dierdredenford Sat 23-Nov-13 12:38:56

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Gay40 Sat 23-Nov-13 14:25:33

Not being a weeping slave to the cock, I don't understand why some women have love and sex all muddled up in their heads. As long as you are honest and upfront about what is going on - FB, FWB, relationships - and with a consenting adult, then what is the problem?
Some people need to move on from this 1950s nonsense.

annhathaway Sat 23-Nov-13 14:55:39

Looks like Matalan is the place to hang out Dierdre.

If you are real ( and I suspect not) what you had was an affair. Best face up to it and hope your poor DH doesn't find out.

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