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Having panicky attacks about my marriage

(63 Posts)
Charlie1972 Tue 30-Jul-13 13:02:26

Advance Warning: Male poster alert!

Feeling kinda scared about posting up on a) an internet forum and b) as a male poster on a female board but i'm past that now. Deep breath.

Me, 40, Been married 5yrs, gorgeous daughter nearly 3. DW, 35

I found out last Thursday that my world has been turned upside down with revelations about my marriage which has yet to truly subside.

Had a phone call on Thursday from my parents who asked me to come over after work. Thought that someone had died, so arrived already in a state of apprehension and when I found my rather solid parents on the verge of tears, to hear from them that my wife had blurted out earlier on that afternoon that our marriage was in tatters and all sorts of things were 'wrong' that I just couldnt contain myself. Burst into tears and couldnt stop. Easily the most embarassing, emotionally humiliating and disturbing 1-2-1 i've ever had with my folks in my life.

Went home later that evening and had a frank chat with DW, and if it couldn't get any worse, I found that she's slept with a male friend down the street and I totally lost it. Never felt so angry, betrayed, hurt and just dead inside. I was just screaming my face off into a pillow. I think if I'd just heard that my parents had died or something, I'd have reacted less than that. DW seemed unphased with telling me and apparantly because ive been neglectful of our relationship - which I refute - and that she has low self esteem and that new 'friend' made her feel special – A bloke who I actually quite liked TBH, nice enough, a mans man man IYKWIM.

I knew that DW was flirting with another local male friend over the last three months via text/phone but apparently came to nothing but saucy photos and innuendo and I believe that story and before we were married, I knew of a 'kissing' relationship with one of her work colleagues which I just put down to a bit of silly pre-marital flirting.

The more recent emotional flirt has got me down over the last few months and I' decided to keep schtum to keep a marriage and family going, turning a blind eye hoping it'd blow over, which I think it did, but the sex relationship has utterly floored me and the mental images of them at it just won't leave my head days and days later. I'm not sleeping, feel like a volcano all the time, and I can t really focus on work properly.

I'm trying to play happy families and I want us to work on the issues that involve me that do have merit - household stuff - but they're driven by the fact i've been harbouring knowledge of whats been going on. Its circular. But nothing's that 'bad' that warrants this event whatsoever.

I'm rambling sorry.

I dont want a divorce and having to go through all the crap that entails, we've got a daughter who deserves two committed parents and I dont think I can cope with a split, especially with the raw deal Dad's get from the justice system ;-(. The dark thoughts i've had in the middle of night awake in bed about all of that scare me utterly witless and i'm sure its classed as a panic attack.

All through this, DW seems completely unphased, and remarkably calm. Maybe masking emotions too, or maybe further down the line of the siutation than me - I just dont know.

I don't even know where I'm going with this post now, I'm lost

Thank you for listening, reading. Its cathartic to have written that.

Jan45 Tue 30-Jul-13 13:07:07

Sorry Charlie, that's awful, really terrible. Your wife must take full responsibility here regardless of her feeling neglected, having an affair is never an answer in fixing anything, it just makes it more likely that you will end up splitting. What does your wife want to do, is she really sorry, has it ended, does she want to fully commit to making things work with you, cos you can't do it alone, she has to want the same. I don't think you can think clearly and no wonder, the shock is probably still with you. Maybe in a few days when you come to accept fully what has happened you can then focus on finding out why and working out a way to stay together, you may feel there is no and end up separating, I know you don't want this for your daughter but there's no point if the future is not looking very bright.

NotYoMomma Tue 30-Jul-13 13:09:57

my bil was in the same situation. his wife had bipolar and he moved heaven and earth for her, and she cheated on him twice.

he very much had your attitude even though we thought she was constantly taking him for a mug, and then turning it around and then blaming him.

sadly she still left him, cheated with another man and then claimed bil had neglected her! a bloke who did most of the stuff in the house as well as worked and was even made redundant partly due to being one of the more unreliable people in the office having to deal with her constant demands and her issues sad

it broke him, it really did it was horrible to see.

he ended up with 50/50 childcare for a long time though (just changed recently his own choice due to schools etc)

Sounds awful

KittyVonCatsworth Tue 30-Jul-13 13:11:53

My goodness, I'm so sorry. You must feel as if the rugs been pulled from under you.

I don't know what's happened in the past, but you mention she has self esteem issues. Has she been specific as to what and the root of these issues are? Has she communicated to you how you can help? I also think that a kiss / EA before you were married was an indicator.

Maybe she wants to 'test' your love for her, maybe thinks that you're too good for her and giving you an out?

I don't know what to advise, but I do think that this is a reoccurring theme and unless her self esteem issues are dealt with, it has the potential to happen again. Do you have the strength, love and will to be there, if so, good luck xxx

AgathaF Tue 30-Jul-13 13:16:01

I'm so sorry you've had to go through this.

You say that you wan to stay with her and that your child deserves two committed parents. That's the crux of the matter though. Your wife isn't committed to you or your family unit. She appears to be showing no remorse for the devastating thing she has done. She needs to accept that she has done wrong and genuinely want to commit to your relationship for it to survive. Unless and until she does that, you are just limping along sticking plasters over it.

maleview70 Tue 30-Jul-13 13:18:05

Your daughter can still have two committed parents who don't live together anymore.

Splitting isn't always as bad as you think it is going to be.

I did it and have a much better life with someone who doesn't cheat on me like my first wife did.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 30-Jul-13 13:20:55

Sorry you've had such a nasty shock. It's going to take some time to sink in and for the misery you're experiencing to turn to anger at the humiliation and cruelty. Who on earth is so cowardly as to tell your parents to tell you your marriage is on the rocks? That's got to be the bridge-burning moment to end all bridge-burning moments...

So take your time, get some good legal/practical advice (about where fathers stand post-divorce aside from anything else) and ask her to leave while you look after DD and sort out how you feel.

Good luck

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 30-Jul-13 13:28:16

"maybe further down the line of the siutation than me"

This is a racing certainty. She's had weeks or months to decide what's happening, how she feels, justifying her affair and making bizarre plans like offloading all the crap on your parents to give you the bad news hmm. You've had five minutes to get your head round it.

There is no good way for a relationship to end but there are plenty of nasty and cruel ways. She's in the latter category...

Charlie1972 Tue 30-Jul-13 13:29:29

Thank you posters so far for the replies. Love you.

CogitoErgoSometimes You hit a nail on the head. I'm not known for picking up on subtle hints in life. I'm a typical bloke I guess, if its not written in 6 inch big letters, I don't see it coming type, so the hints that things are going wrong domestially have probably not regitstered and I'll admit that over the last few months, with the knowledge of stuff going on that I wasnt supposed to know about hasnt helped, I've been a bit reticent to do stuff.

My folks recanted what they were told and I got a grilling. They were not to know any different given the evidence by the prosecution. Overblown blame shifting i think is the modern phrase uses.

bestsonever Tue 30-Jul-13 13:31:01

There's been a fair bit of burying your head in the sand about your DW - before and since married it seems the misdemeanors have continued. Can't help feeling that what you have is a woman with a very poor attitude and shows no sign of loyalty to you or her child. I wonder if time can improve her behaviour as it could all be a part of her ingrained attitude which would be hard and unlikely to change.
Take time out to think if you could live like this and go through similar in future. Time away gives perspective and also may help to hit home to her the enormity of what she has done - ie make herself potentially a single parent. Somehow I doubt the 'man's man' will interested in her as a package with a 3year old, so you have time to contemplate your options.
Also, how shit is that to tell your parents before you? Seems she has communication issues of her own.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 30-Jul-13 13:38:17

Don't blame yourself for not picking up on hints. Ask anyone in your position whether they had an inkling there was something wrong and nine times out of ten, they've missed the signs because they weren't looking for them. The sexting and pre-marital flirting were, in retrospect, something you should have paid more attention to, and I suppose the life lesson from this is how quickly something that seems innocent and carpet-brushable one minute, can develop the next.

For all we know you could be the DH from hell, of course .... but, even if you were, the 'right' or mature way to approach this would have been something much more open and honest. Your DW sounds like a sly piece of work

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 30-Jul-13 13:39:20

.... and have you told her to leave?

ImperialBlether Tue 30-Jul-13 13:45:48

I'm so sorry; you've had one of the worst experiences in life.

She is a piece of work, isn't she? Blithely going about her life after throwing a bomb into your life. And what the hell was she doing telling your parents? Was she blaming you? Did she tell them she'd been sleeping with someone else?

When I first found out my ex had been unfaithful I felt like I was in shock for a long time. It was as though I'd been knocked over by a bus. Don't expect to feel OK for quite a while.

If you feel you are having a panic attack, try to breathe in for a count of four (count while you're doing it) and out for a count of four. I think that was the only way I got through them. At first it seems impossible to breathe but try to focus on it and eventually your body will respond.

Charlie1972 Tue 30-Jul-13 13:48:42

ImperialBlether (like that name! LOL) No, she didnt mention the affairs to my folks. I dropped that into proceedings which devastated my mother when I said it. Not sure I should have told them but I was emotionally wide open at the time.

CogitoErgoSometimes No..i've not. PM'd you

ImperialBlether Tue 30-Jul-13 13:54:45

Of course you should have told them. Your wife involved your parents in your marriage but left out a very important detail. You have every right to set them straight.

Charlie1972 Tue 30-Jul-13 13:58:10

Guess youre right ImperialBlether just that I didn't like being a crybaby in front of my folks, im supposed to be a 40 year old man, not a emotional teenager. blush

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 30-Jul-13 13:59:18

You're never too old to need emotional support.

Vivacia Tue 30-Jul-13 14:07:13

What does your wife want to happen? Either way I think the standard advice is to ask the partner to leave and live elsewhere for a few days so that you have time and space to come to terms with the news and consider what you want to happen.

Charlie1972 Tue 30-Jul-13 14:13:27

Vivacia I think she wants me to make changes in my life to show some time commitment (!!), but I'm not 100% sure that this is the entire problem. Dunno, male intuition (!!!).

Maybe i'm a pessimist, and seeing the bad side first but maybe she's just stalling for time before getting her world in order and leaving. We discussed relate briefly but there was too much emotion in the discussion for that to progress as a definate route.

Maybe....I need to revisit the conversation with a clearer head to find out how we're progressing??

Charlie1972 Tue 30-Jul-13 14:18:23

The fun will begin when she picks up on this post tonight.

Fireworks ahoy.

...she's a MNetter too. Sorry.

ImperialBlether Tue 30-Jul-13 14:18:35

I have a son who is 21 and I like to think that if he ever needed my support he could come to me and I would help him. If he cried, I would be terribly upset but I certainly wouldn't judge him. God, just the thought of that is awful. Think of your daughter when she's an adult; if she was upset over her marriage, would you call her a crybaby?

This is the third person that your wife has been emotionally involved in, then? Something is very wrong, isn't it? She isn't exactly trying to save the marriage now, is she? I think you need to steel yourself for quite a rocky ride in the next few months.

Does your wife work? Is she the main carer?

ImperialBlether Tue 30-Jul-13 14:19:07

Oh great - don't you think you could have said she was a Mumsnetter at the beginning?

ImperialBlether Tue 30-Jul-13 14:19:44

I think the last time that happened here, OP, it didn't work out too well for the man making the original post. Just saying.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 30-Jul-13 14:20:09

Completely agree why not tell your parents her exploits after all she gave them her (edited) version. God knows how she will have dressed it up for your mutual friends or in-laws.

Marriages do fail but a decent person normally settles things so everyone knows how things stand before jumping into bed with a random person. Is she claiming she'd tried telling you there were problems? This was a cruel if effective way of getting your full attention as the big announcement post-bonk was surely meant as a stick of dynamite to make sure there was absolutely no going back. Presumably that is why she is so calm, "mission accomplished"

I am sorry if in spite of all you still love her but please wait for the shock and humiliation to wear off before attempting to talk your wife into staying in this relationship. She doesn't have any respect for you and you will be eaten up worrying what she gets up to behind your back and apparently, in plain view.

Get legal advice see what kind of arrangements you can make for DD's care. Her mother might jump at 50/50 shared parenting.

Vivacia Tue 30-Jul-13 14:20:19

She is the one who has betrayed you and your marriage vows. She's lied to you and even dragged your parents in to it. I think the onus is on her to make some changes.

If your instincts are saying that she's lining her pockets, trust your instincts.

How about asking her to move out for a few days? If it were me, I'd be giving my partner 20 minutes and a bin bag.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 30-Jul-13 14:22:10

Oh! X post. A MNer! And there I go from this thread.

Vivacia Tue 30-Jul-13 14:22:20

"...she's a MNetter too. Sorry."

Oh dear. Why do you say "sorry"? I don't know how to say this nicely, but are you feeling smug at having set her up?

AgathaF Tue 30-Jul-13 14:28:01

What made you come to MN to post what happened? Did you want to force a confrontation with her, or did you recognise that you could get support here for yourself? You need to be honest about your intentions here.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 30-Jul-13 14:31:53

If the story's true, it doesn't actually matter if the DW is an MN-er. As I said before, even if the OP was the DH from hell, it would not make what has happened subsequently any more justifiable. OTOH if you're winding the job up OP.... get your tin hat on because hell hath no fury like an MN-er on the wrong end of a pisstake.

Charlie1972 Tue 30-Jul-13 14:32:59

I came here to see what the viewpoint might be from a more understanding audience, which has helped. No smugness deliberately attached, not the intention at all, just being straight out with people. I guess it doesn't make a lot of actual difference all in all...

ImperialBlether Tue 30-Jul-13 14:33:01

I really hate this sort of thing. I feel safe here on MN. If someone I knew came on here to start a thread about me when I was in a stressful situation, I would feel as though a lifeline had been taken from me.

Another one who won't post on here, or at least until the OP's wife comes on.

fabergeegg Tue 30-Jul-13 14:40:21

Random question. How do you know the acronyms that are used on mumsnet? It seems strange to me.

On the face of it, your DW seems very manipulative, especially in going to your parents and failing to acknowledge her infidelity has wronged you. But there's so much we don't know. Have you been shutting her out? Have you two been going out together? Have you been talking to her like she's a friend?

If things are this bad and you honestly haven't noticed anything much before now, I think that perhaps she's right when she feels like you haven't been there for her. There's nothing particularly noble about knowing your other half is conducting a mild flirty affair and digging your head in the sand for the sake of the family. I'm not excusing what she's done for one moment, but it should have alerted you to the fact that this relationship needs a lot of work. Maybe she is just a nasty piece of work through and through - or maybe she's been ignored and desperate for a long time now.

I've noticed that posters here often respond to men by either vilifying them or vilifying their partners (which is mainly why men seem to make it to mumsnet - my husband started a thread once and then carried the laptop triumphantly to show me what a bitch everyone had decided I was - on ^half the story!^). Anyway, rant over - just be careful that you don't lose sight of your wife's humanity in this onslaught of motherly kindness. You won't be innocent. No one ever is.

fabergeegg Tue 30-Jul-13 14:42:12

Just read the recent replies. Not much chance of that happening, actually.

Charlie1972 Tue 30-Jul-13 14:42:45

Fair point taken fabergeegg

fedupofnamechanging Tue 30-Jul-13 14:43:04

Charlie, the only way you can really fix this, is if she is genuinely sorry for what she has done and is prepared to do whatever it takes to repair the marriage. If she isn't, then no matter how much you want to stay together and make it work, you are only postponing the inevitable. You wife has to love you and respect you, for there to be any chance.

People who cheat tend to justify it to themselves by making out that they have only done it because their spouse was neglectful or horrible in some way. They know it is shoddy behaviour, so have to make it somehow their spouse's fault, in order to live with themselves. It is not your fault though - no matter what is going on in a marriage they have made a choice to lie and deceive,, when they could have tried to put the marriage right or end the marriage. That's the truth of it.

I think it is good that you have support from your parents - it's better than struggling all on your own with this.

I think you should take a hard line here and force her to really think about and face some consequences. I would be asking her to move out, for now at least and to share parenting - don't allow her to just move out with your child. I think I would be hammering home just what the new reality will be like for her, if she doesn't sort her shit out.

If you have posted here to get back at her, in some way, I wouldn't condemn you for that, under the circumstances.

fedupofnamechanging Tue 30-Jul-13 14:46:11

And I think people bury their heads in the sand and 'ignore' the warning signs because it is stressful for them too and they are not mentally ready to face up to it all - it can be a self protection mechanism.

Charlie1972 Thu 01-Aug-13 23:21:33 a couple of days change things.

Had a Weds evening of calmer discussion (for me) and since the fog of emotion had died down, some Q's were forthright, and to the point, basic questions of my issues with her honesty, future trust issues, her lying versus my inability to percieve her mood, depression, stress, etc.

Today, came home from work to find DW had taken DD from my parents who mind her on a Thursdy and has gone AWOL. No idea where htey are, no idea when theyre coming back, no discussion, no nothing.

I was utterly devastated last week, but calmed down, now I exposed more problems and she runs off.

Can she do this? Have I any recourse, or do I have to dance to her tune?

Numb, just numb.

skyeskyeskye Thu 01-Aug-13 23:32:28

Have you tried contacting her? She is wrong to just take off with your DD like that.

If your wife is unwilling to work on the marriage and sort things out, which I think would need lots of counselling to work out what you both want, then the marriage is really over.

You need good legal advice ASAP .

I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation. She does not seem to be treating you very fairly.

AgathaF Fri 02-Aug-13 07:23:51

What an awful thing to do. I've no idea what you should do now, although I think in your shoes, I might be phoning the police and certainly taking legal advice.

What did you parents say about how she was when she arrived to take your DD, and did she mention her plans to them?

JustinBsMum Fri 02-Aug-13 07:38:16

Don't think I'm surprised, she has planned this out, using your DPs to do the dirty work, being unconcerned at the fall out - you should be planning how to manage a future apart, how will you care for DD, will you move out/she move out etc , but she's pre-empted you.
If she moves far away how will you get access to DD?
You need to sort your position out.

karmabelieversnamechange Fri 02-Aug-13 07:44:51

call the police - she has abducted your child. I would be concerned for their safety, because she is not acting rationally.

karmabelieversnamechange Fri 02-Aug-13 07:57:38

I would also call a solicitor - not certain but I think you could possibly get a court order stopping her from moving your child away from the home

MalcolmTuckersMum Fri 02-Aug-13 08:04:18

Isn't it a bit odd that she's felt desperate enough to go AWOL? Is there a lot more going on than you've told us? And your posting style seems awfully familiar - have you been here before under another name?

AgathaF Fri 02-Aug-13 08:41:38

Please don't start with the troll hunting. Just report the posts if you think they are suspect.

zeprocrastinator Fri 02-Aug-13 08:44:34

Random question. How do you know the acronyms that are used on mumsnet? It seems strange to me.

The acronyms used on Mumsnet are a) very easy to pick up and b) are used all over the Internet! They're universally used on forums. They aren't Mumsnet's special little language. It's really not strange that anyone who is technically literate would know them or be able to find out/work out what they were in less than 5 minutes.

I am always baffled by this idea that Mumsnet is a private of 'safe space'. It's a very high volume and very public forum. It has over 4.3 million unique visitors a month and posts are public and indexed by Google. There are other forums were you need to be a member to view posts and the posts are not cached for perpetuity like Mumnet's are - I would understand this sentiment a lot better if Mumsnet was a small forum were discussions were hidden, but this is one of the biggest UK site and wide open.

zeprocrastinator Fri 02-Aug-13 08:47:58

OP, you need call a solicitor first thing this morning. I am not sure the police will be interested in getting involved at this stage, unfortunately.

Vivacia Fri 02-Aug-13 13:04:31

"Isn't it a bit odd that she's felt desperate enough to go AWOL?"

That's dreadful. I can't imagine a female poster getting asked the same question.

Charlie1972 Fri 02-Aug-13 13:42:00

I had one call to her last night (or was it two) asking why she wasn't home, got the reply that she's gone away, taken DD with her and I found out over the last 12h, that things all over the house are missing.

The joint documents we have for things, house, bank, mortgage, which we have a filing box for, has gone My own hard drive backup has been unwired, unplugged and gone (random, or not...??) and a fair chunk of clothing to last a while.

I'd kept the call civil and told her not to be a daftie, and she's just noit listening. The barriers were well and truly up. There was no getting through, no emotion, its all planned out IMHO and the whole charade is playing out and i'm the one sitting here at work, trying to hold my together in an office of blokes.

I tried to call her folks for a chat last night, they immediately hung up. So they're not going to be helpful which is a shame,

Id almsot go as far to say she's mentally flipped out, and god knows what she's planning.

She'll have work on Monday, and childcare. If she's not back for that, i'll consider that a pretty big indication of inability to look after the welfare of the child, or is that unfeasible?

Brain is doing 100mph - still....nearly 24h on.

PS, and no, i've not got another MN account, dont be so bloomin horrible,

AgathaF Fri 02-Aug-13 13:48:14

If you are seriously worried about her mental state then I think you are perfectly within your rights to speak to the police over this. She has done an appalling thing, apparently without good reason.

fabergeegg Fri 02-Aug-13 17:55:41

OP, I'm sorry to be the one to say it, but your wife is perfectly within her rights to leave you. She doesn't need to explain at this stage if she doesn't feel she can. I appreciate her actions are not considerate or mature, but there is no law saying they have to be - and many women have very good reasons for leaving suddenly. There is no way for us to know if you have placed her in that camp, or not.

You do have a right to know where your child is over the longer term - and, provided you're a fit parent, to have access - but this may well be something that your wife is planning to give you. No, she shouldn't have put you in the position of not knowing where your child is right now - but as I've said, many women have good reasons for that.

Some posters are suggesting that your wife's behaviour is irrational and suggesting that your child is at risk as a result. In your last post, you seem keen to interpret events in that light. I can see nothing that indicates to us how rationally she is behaving, because we don't know the circumstances from her point of view. It may be perfectly rational. And no, not placing your child in childcare on Monday does not constitute inadequate parenting!

If you were found to be mentally controlling and manipulative, keen to discredit your wife's powers of reasoning and quick to turn others against her, that would be justification for her decision to leave without discussion. You do seem a little bit like that, from what I'm reading. Does your wife have to be 'a daftie' to do what she's doing? And perhaps she wanted a backup hard drive for very good reasons of her own! I can think of a few.

JustinBsMum Fri 02-Aug-13 21:56:54

She might empty your bank accounts. Can you take your share first? Though might not be possible as banks check up on suspicious withdrawals. Anyway you might want to check on that. She could go abroad. Could you contact mortgage people for a copy of documents.

JustinBsMum Fri 02-Aug-13 22:02:08

Do you have the flirting texts or emails as proof of her behaviour.
Can you change your working hours to spend days with DD if you split?
Are your finances sorted?

Charlie1972 Sat 03-Aug-13 22:39:04

Unfortunatly, the texts were all on her phone, so have no direct evidence.

The bank situation is that we've got individual accounts and a joint account we pay the basics from, so its just a kinda slush fund arrangement, it only has at best, a couple of grand and is whittled down to a bare couple of hundred so no concerns of note there.

Still today, flat refusal to discuss why she wont discuss counselling, and i'm going to give up on that. Having discussed with all sorts of folks today who know us, she's not capable of supporting our child with her savings, work arrangements, or support network, its scary she's even contempleting divorce.

Utter madness. Stubborness like i've never seen her before. Not good.

Vivacia Sun 04-Aug-13 07:11:26

Neither of you should be trapped in a relationship due to practicalities though. If you both manage now, in terms of money and time, you would manage if separated.

Noregrets78 Sun 04-Aug-13 09:34:13

In what way were you discussing with all types of folks? Were they informing you she's not capable, or were you informing them?

She will be perfectly capable, that's not the issue.

JustinBsMum Sun 04-Aug-13 10:11:38

Most people don't want to get involved in someone else's marriage problems so it is not very relevant what others think.

Can you shift your thinking to your new life separate from your DW.

fabergeegg Sun 04-Aug-13 12:02:13

OP, you are being ridiculous. Of course the people you've talked to are going to give you the impression that your wife can't manage without you. Why do you feel you must discuss the situation with lots of other people and get as many as possible on your side? I'm feeling huge amounts of sympathy with your wife. How dare you say she isn't capable of looking after the child simply because you and other 'friends' have decided this?

Savings have nothing to do with it, because you will be paying maintenance so I'm afraid that isn't a reason to consider taking the child away. Work arrangements - well, you have no idea how she is responding to the situation. She's capable of leaving, so who is to say she isn't capable of putting new arrangements in place? Regarding the support network - I'm really not sure what you mean. When a woman flees a broken marriage, she is often a little low on support networks. You clearly don't think she is capable of thinking for herself so it doesn't surprise me that you think she needs a support network in order to parent. You only have a support network, I suspect, because you're going round the houses putting your side of the story in first and describing your wife's behaviour in a way that makes her sound irrational. If your wife is used to this, I'm not surprised that she isn't trying to engage. There are often posts from women on this board who have left their husbands and aren't trying to engage with shared groups of friends because they know their husbands have managed to turn everyone against them.

This is an adult you're talking about. Given the fact that you speak to her and about her as if she was mentally challenged, she has no option but to consider leaving you. I would find it much more frightening if she was staying.

You sound awful, to be honest.

fabergeegg Sun 04-Aug-13 12:12:57

Just to reiterate, like other posters have said, you need to stop talking about the situation with 'all sorts of folks who know [you]'. That's incredibly immature. I'm unsure what you think it's going to achieve, other than possibly controlling your wife into feeling so isolated that she decides she can't go it alone - although that isn't going to work because she has been able to leave. Be in no doubt - it won't save or help your marriage and it won't impress your wife one little bit.

I'm not sure you sound as if you'd be able to support your marriage in a way that will lead to a stable environment suitable for a child. You don't seem to love or respect your wife, and you have no qualms about bad-mouthing her to others and using social pressure to isolate her. Personally, I would be desperately unhappy in a marriage with such a person. I would not stick around to explain why I needed to leave, only to be repeatedly told that I was being a 'daftie'. And I wouldn't go to counselling either because I would assume that you wanted to do the number you've been doing on your shared friends - convince the counsellor that your wife is in the wrong and thereby engineer a situation where she is at fault if she doesn't follow the counsellor's advice to stay home etc.

Instead of all this, why don't you concentrate on looking at yourself and how your behaviour could be exacerbating this situation? Why don't you focus on becoming a person your wife will feel safe with? Why don't you focus on letting her know that if she wants to talk, you're there - that you're desperately sorry things have come to this and you respect her need for space? That you would love to have access to your child in order to play your part in providing a stable, loving environment? That you're keen to work together to move towards whatever situation is going to be best for everyone?

This is your only option, in my opinion, aside from also being the decent thing.

AgathaF Sun 04-Aug-13 13:24:02

Most women in this situation are advised to reach out to RL friends/relatives etc to get as much support as possible. I am surprised that some people think that a man shouldn't do the same thing.

Noregrets78 Sun 04-Aug-13 13:28:18

And still amazes me that you're writing all this knowing she's a mumsnetter. Am i right to assume you're hoping she's reading this? What message are you hoping that she takes away?

You are currently coming across exactly as faberge describes. I'd have a think about what you're trying to achieve.

Noregrets78 Sun 04-Aug-13 13:33:06

agatha RL support yes, but OP has stated all sorts of folks, rather than trusted friends. Also the subject seems to be how incapable his wife is, rather than getting support for himself.

OP do correct me if I'm wrong!

Charlie1972 Sun 04-Aug-13 23:43:56

Trusted friends who know us and me, folk who know our character, trusted work colleagues i can cry on occasionally, not random people.

CatsAndTheirPizza Mon 05-Aug-13 00:21:16

OP - you may be better on a forum your estranged wife isn't already on. There are others around and as others have said, the last time a breakdown was played out on here, it wasn't pretty.

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