Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Just found out my partner is married am heartbroken.

(157 Posts)
onwardandupwards Tue 30-Jul-13 03:17:24

We have been together for 5 years and thought it was really good, i booked a hotel for his birthday as a surprise and then rang his boss to ask if he could have 2 days off, at which point his boss told me he already had that week off for his holiday, i then called him and asked what he wanted to do for his birthday (he will be 40) and he said nothing as he had to work, anyway after a few conversations, he broke down and told me he was married but its over but his wife wont give up. He said i am the one he wants, i feel like a total twat and am hurting more than i can say, we have even been talking about trying for a baby. I have children from previous realtionship who love him to bits. There were no signs and cant bring myself to tell anyone, cant eat,sleep and holding it together all day just hurts so much. He wants to carry on as we are, i love him but cant do this now i know, any advice welcome x

poppingin1 Tue 30-Jul-13 03:20:56

I am so sorry! You must feel heartbroken.

I think a good sit down and talk to understand everything clearly before you act might be a good idea.

What an arsehole though. Probably not a helpful reply, sorry sad

onwardandupwards Tue 30-Jul-13 03:28:42

I just feel like a total idiot, am going over the last 5 years in my head and there were no signs, we have the same circle of friends, i go to his work parties with him, ive met his parents loads of times. I am so sad and cant stop crying.

evelynj Tue 30-Jul-13 03:31:35

God thats awful, I'm sorry. Nothing helpful to add but 5 years leading a double life? I'd summon him& find out more. Presumably he lives with his wife? Do they have children? He doesn't sound like a keeper.

Look after yourself & try to talk to someone in RL that knows you & him x

evelynj Tue 30-Jul-13 03:34:49

That's really odd-you've met his parents & go to work parties?

There must be more to this than meets the eye-he needs to meet & be honest with you so at least you can understand what's happened...

AdoraBell Tue 30-Jul-13 03:39:45

Sorry you've found out this way, also sorry you've been lead along for five years. I know you love him but from an outside POV there doesn't seem to be anything good there.

He had a holiday, at least off work, planned and lied to you. He also wants you to just carry on like nothing's happened. Good thing you found out before you had DCs with him.

Concentrate on you and your DCs, also try to get some RL support.

onwardandupwards Tue 30-Jul-13 03:46:53

He said he sees her once a fortnight and that its going nowhere. They have no children and she is 15 years older than him. His mum wants to meet on friday to catch up and i dont know what to do, they have all lied to me. He just keeps saying nothing has to change between us and that its not an issue for us as i do not want to get married and he lives at home with his parents ( I have stayed over at his parents house lots of times) Cannot understand how this has happened.

AdoraBell Tue 30-Jul-13 03:55:51

It all sounds very mixed up, on his side of things, sounds like lying is just what they do. Is there any way that his parents don't know about his wife confused, not likely is it?

Clearly something has changed, you've found out he's married and are not happy about the fact. I'd walk away, as much as it hurts. <hugs>

fuzzywuzzy Tue 30-Jul-13 04:08:02

If he has no children with his wife & hasn't been living with her for the past five years why is he not divorced from her?

onwardandupwards Tue 30-Jul-13 04:08:05

Dont even know where to begin with all this, cant stop crying, my mum has taken my dc for a couple of days although she doesnt know whats happened. I have not answered his calls or texts and today he sent me over 100 texts. My dc will be heartbroken as he is the only male they have in their lives ( i was 6 months pregnant when we met, their dad wants nothing to do with them) Just the thought of not being with him hurts too much, but i do not see a way through this.

onwardandupwards Tue 30-Jul-13 04:14:08

He said she will not let him go and he said she said she cannot cope without him. He said their realtionship is more friends than anything, but i dont belive anything he says now.

Mixxy Tue 30-Jul-13 04:18:35

IHow awful that so many people conspired to lie to you about such a big thing for so long. It seems crazy to me. Was he planning on doing something with his wife for his 40th? I'm not getting their relationship.

Mixxy Tue 30-Jul-13 04:20:37

He doesnt live with her. He's not having sex with her hmm . Yet he won't divorce her. Sounds like he is still lying to you.

onwardandupwards Tue 30-Jul-13 04:32:25

The trust has gone, he said the holiday was for me and him as a surprise and that he reallly cannot see what the issue is as im the one he wants, am so hurt and angry and he just keeps begging me not to leave him. To me the entire 5 years have been a lie and want him to hurt as much as i do and then some more.

Mixxy Tue 30-Jul-13 04:51:17

He took a week off work then told you he had to work and didn't want to do anything...he's a bullshitter.

So sorry hon.

CinnabarRed Tue 30-Jul-13 04:56:58

He could divorce without her consent after 5 years separation - if he really wanted to.

He hasn't done that. So he doesn't want to.

I'm so sorry.

Optimist1 Tue 30-Jul-13 05:26:57

So sorry you're going through this. I just wanted to add that this needn't be The End ... many years ago I heard rumours that my best friend's long-term boyfriend was married, and had the unenviable task of telling her. It all came out and of course there was much heartache for some time, including my friend's wedding to him having to be postponed because his divorce didn't come through in time. Fast forward 20+ years and they are still happily married. Against all expectations it turned out fine in the end.

I hope you can work things out so that your future is a happy one.

takeaway2 Tue 30-Jul-13 05:39:00

Something similar happened to people we know. He was separated from his wife and kids for many years (grown up kids, he was quite a bit older than my friend). But wife wouldn't divorce him - not sure why.
He had this long term relationship with my friend, even had a child who is now 5.

She finally granted him a divorce 2 years ago. He was already living with my friend (for the last 15 years?) and bought another house and now have dc2.

LittlePeaPod Tue 30-Jul-13 05:41:47

I am so sorry you are going through this.. Lost for words. 5 years of deceit is unforgivable. How can someone keep that up for so long? And his parents/friends/work must have known. Surely someone knew... Does his wife know about you? What has he been telling her? I couldn't forgive that sort of deceit.

Op i am so sorry and my thoughts are with you and your DC. flowers

Vivacia Tue 30-Jul-13 06:26:32

I'd want to meet up with his mum sooner than Friday, but would bear in mind that he may prime her to lie more. I guess his colleagues might not know but I can't get over his family lying.

Buzzardbird Tue 30-Jul-13 06:43:13

He's a liar, as you know. How could he book a holiday for you 'as a surprise' when you have children?
he has lied to you since day 1, you deserve better. What a twat!

Lweji Tue 30-Jul-13 06:51:02

So sorry, but he's lying through his teeth. Possibly to his mum and friends too.

I feel very sorry for the children. I had to dump someone and felt more sorry, but also more pressed, because DS was getting very attached.
So, you better sit down with them and explain that he won't be around anymore.
They mat be less sad than you anticipate.

Chubfuddler Tue 30-Jul-13 06:52:02

What a grade A bastard. Of course he could divorce her. This is called having his cake and eating it.

If he can lie to you about something so fundamental for five years you actually cannot believe a single word he says to you. Your mutual friends are unbelievable, as are his parents. I'd be tempted to ring a member of your social circle at random and say "why did you never tell me x is married?'

CinnabarRed Tue 30-Jul-13 06:55:23

takeaway2 - your friend has been spun a line. Anyone can divorce without the other spouse's consent after 5 years of separation - your friend's OH could have been divorced at least a decade earlier if he'd chosen (assuming you're in the UK).

Lweji Tue 30-Jul-13 06:57:16

I had a bil about whom, to this day, his parents don't know if he has divorced or not.

I'd forgive the still being married part, unless you specifically asked him about past relationships and he lies, but not the seeing her in secret.

giraffesCantWearSuncream Tue 30-Jul-13 06:57:17

Bloody hell. Yes I would want to know who knows and what they know!.

takeaway2 Tue 30-Jul-13 07:02:15

Oh I'm not justifying this! Just sharing what I know. I did query why didn't they divorce given that they'd been apart for so long and even had another child etc but didn't get an answer!

Mixxy Tue 30-Jul-13 07:06:48

It's the shared social circle that would make me shock! It's like you lose your partner AND your mates.

Hissy Tue 30-Jul-13 07:20:44

You poor. Poor thing.

You know you are worth more than this.

The ONLY chance you have of him stepping up is to refuse to allow him to carry on.

This has to be a deal breaker.

You know he can divorce her, he knows, his family knows.

Settle for nothing less.

HOWEVER...

He is a liar.

His entire family are liars.

That for me would be enough. I'd not be able to associate with them again.

Stay strong, you have done nothing wrong. Going back to him however would be.

You have more power than you realise. You have the power of dignity and being right.

IceNoSlice Tue 30-Jul-13 07:30:54

This sounds very odd. Married but he lives with his parents? Who happily have his gf (ie you) over to stay? There is something here that you don't have the full story on.

I'd meet up with his mum. On neutral territory (not her house) and without him there. Tell her you are very upset and need to know the whole truth.

CinnabarRed Tue 30-Jul-13 07:34:27

Also bear in mind that he didn't come clean about all this unforced - presumably if you hadn't called his work (to do something lovely for him) the you would still be in blissful ignorance. He hasn't taken responsibility for his deception yet.

Jinsei Tue 30-Jul-13 07:40:40

How odd. confused Can't understand why his family and friends would all join in the deceit. I think I'd want to talk to his mum, if only to ask for an explanation...although she has lied before and may therefore lie again. You poor thing. sad

lougle Tue 30-Jul-13 07:49:32

Poor you sad I hope you can get some honesty now.

itwillgetbettersoon Tue 30-Jul-13 07:51:08

His family probably assume he is divorced by now. Same as the friends. He sees the wife once a fortnight - did you not ask where he went every fortnight. They probably are just friends now after all this time.

I agree the lying is an issue but I don't think it erases the last five yrs.

Was the holiday that he has booked for you and children or was he arranging childcare for your kids.

I think you need to talk to him and get the full story. I don't think it is the end if there were no other issues.

thistlelicker Tue 30-Jul-13 07:57:17

Also think you need to talk to him, find out why he was never honest, agree with pp who suggested that perhaps family think they already divorced, if they knew it was a massive gamble by everyone!!! Speak to him mum ask her what she knows about wifey! Yes he liedhmm but be loaded with answers before u decide

venusandmars Tue 30-Jul-13 08:07:51

I know someone who was married to a Catholic man. When they split up, he accepted that their relationship was over, they had financial separation etc. But for him the concept of divorce was terrible and impossible.

My friend accepted that for about ten years and they remained 'married'.

All friends and family assumed they were divorced - it's not the kind of detail you quiz someone about.

But when my friend met a new partner and was in a serious relationship, she did tell him (though not for a while), and eventually she divorced her exh.

ExcuseTypos Tue 30-Jul-13 08:11:26

I can't see his parents and all his friends knowing he's still married. You need info before you jump to conclusions about the, I reckon they will be as shocked as you.

However the seeing his wife every 2 weeks is very weird and dishonest.

Vivacia Tue 30-Jul-13 08:15:38

I don't think the "still married to ex" is the problem. I think the "not telling and still seeing her often" is.

ArkadyRose Tue 30-Jul-13 08:23:38

You don't need to wait 5 years in the UK or Australia - only 2 years to divorce without spousal consent. My DP left it until 3 years simply because his ex was a drama whore but eventually decided he'd rather cut her out of his life completely than let fear of her tantrum dictate his life anymore. Maybe your partner just isn't quite at that point but with some serious discussion and support he could be. Talk to his mum - as others have said, it could well be that everyone assumed he WAS divorced, and now the truth's out they'll all be nagging him to stop messing about and divorce her. Is money an issue? Lawyers aren't cheap; doing it yourself costs about £400 in court fees. Maybe that's a factor?

Missbopeep Tue 30-Jul-13 08:27:22

No- it's 5 years.
You can divorce after 2 years separation ( a kind of 'no fault' divorce) if both parties consent but if one doesn't then you have to wait 5 years.

HollyBerryBush Tue 30-Jul-13 08:27:58

So he's legally married to someone he no longer lives with? Who doesnt mix socially with him? And his parents and social circle presumably know all this?

So. The usual bar to divorce is either religion (is she catholic) or finances (is one of them loaded?) One of them cant make the break for whatever reason.

DH was married before, apart 2 years before he met me. He (and she) were quite happy with the status quo of being married but not together. I think she thought she could snap her fingers and he'd go back to her once she'd finished laying the field. He rather liked the get out clause, it stopped other women getting serious. I pointed out if he dropped dead she would inherit everything. Amazing that, he was into the solicitor first thing on the Monday morning. grin So no pressure from me at all to divorce her grin.

With regard to long separations - again DHs mate has been separated for 15 odd years - neither will take the final plunge and get a divorce - he's terrified she will take him to the cleaners. I have no idea why she wont divorce, just enjoys pulling his strings I think. If you weren't in the 'inner circle' you would assume they were long divorced as each has a new partner (which the other cant know about because it causes problems).

However, as much as I would always advocate caution and moving slowly when introducing new partners into the mix with children, you don't live together after 5 years and are considering having a child? I find that odd.

newbiefrugalgal Tue 30-Jul-13 08:28:21

People act so strangely.
Does she know about you OP?

SoupDragon Tue 30-Jul-13 08:30:48

He is a lying wanker and, much as it hurts, you are well shot of him.

Cabrinha Tue 30-Jul-13 08:32:00

Why is everyone saying talk to his mum? What is he, 12? Talk to HIM.
As others have said, the fact he was seeing her is as big an issue as the being married.
I have 2 female friends who are still married, and with both it came out at the same time, over drinks, chatting about ex's, "actually I'm still legally married" "omg!" "Um, me too!"
The point is, it wasn't a secret. It didn't come up within minutes of meeting, but it did come up.

TheRealFellatio Tue 30-Jul-13 08:40:54

This is really, really odd. On the one hand he sounds like a bullshitter but how on earth have you met his parents and all his friends without any of this being mentioned? confused If they had agreed to live separate lives (and it sounds like they have) but just not divorce for whatever reason, that would make more sense but why not just be open about that? confused Loads of people do that - no shame in it.

And it's not as if they have agreed to appear married, or stay legally married for the children's sake, so I am utterly bewildered by what his MO could possibly be. Perhaps she is extremely rich and very needy and she has promised him that if he just stays with her (even in part) then she'll leave him all her money - especially if she is much older, and possibly not healthy?

Obviously he could have divorced her - he doesn't need to stay married if he doesn't want to, and with no children to worry about I can't see that he'd even feel morally or emotionally blackmailed into it. So I can only assume that it's a cynical financial thing.

TheRealFellatio Tue 30-Jul-13 08:43:23

And the fact that he's booked a week off work sort of implies that he does still spend some 'quality time' with her. You really need to sit him down and demand to know WTF has been going on. You say he sees her once a fortnight and that he lives with his parents. how often do you see him, and how much does he stay at your house? After five years I would have expected him to have moved in by now.

Mixxy Tue 30-Jul-13 08:44:40

He lives with his parents? How hot is that?

500internalerror Tue 30-Jul-13 08:45:22

Maybe he's scared of hurting her? She might have all sorts of 'issues' iyswim. He clearly isn't with her - lives at parents, doesn't have same social circle etc - so I personally wouldn't jump to conclusions.

Like others have said, it's the dishonesty that's the real problem here - but I remember she making up a huge convoluted story years ago, to avoid telling me something. He thought I'd go mad if I found out, but as it happens it wouldn't have bothered me at all - but the fairy take did.

500internalerror Tue 30-Jul-13 08:45:58

Dh - not she!!

500internalerror Tue 30-Jul-13 08:47:41

The other thought is - are you absolutely certain they don't have kids?

meditrina Tue 30-Jul-13 08:50:03

So he's a long-term liar, coming from a family who lie to cover up to protect their own. No-one ever mentioned a wife to you at any point?

Perhaps he's just an apple who didn't fall far from the tree. Especially as he's chosen friends who cover for liars too, and you had the misfortune to wander into this.

What was he going to do with the weeks holiday? Is he still going?

IceNoSlice Tue 30-Jul-13 08:52:29

I suggested discussing this with his mum because OP said his mum contacted her wanting to catch up. Which suggests they (OP and DP's mum) get on pretty well. And OP is confused and upset because his family and the couple's mutual friends appear to be colluding in this. OP doesn't know if she can trust her DP due to all these lies that he has told her. And obviously she is more emotionally involved in that relationship than with his family/ their friends, which can make it hard to get to the bottom of things.

So yes, OP needs to have a proper conversation with DP about all this. But I still think it is a good idea to have a chat with his mum, plus also a mutual friend or two, so OP can find out what is actually going on. Be armed with as much info as possible.

TheRealFellatio Tue 30-Jul-13 08:55:04

Ok I'm thinking about this now. I don't think the wife knows about the OP. She thinks that he loves her but just cannot live with her for whatever reason, and that he lives with his mum and dad. Which officially he does, but I bet he practically lives with the OP, except for 'going back to the parents every few days, ostensibly to get around single mum benefits/council tax rules, possibly? But actually that provides him with the excuse he needs to spend time with the wife. So the OP doesn't query why he doesn't live there full time, and the parents assume he is at the OPs when he is at the wife's. I bet the parents don't even realise he still sees the wife. I bet he sees her more than once a fortnight, because he has the perfect alibi from all angles.

I don't believe a word of it that he took the week of as a surprise for the OP - that sounds like backpedaling. If that had been tru he could have said that from the very beginning and she'd still be in the dark about the wife. He intended to go on holiday with the wife for his 40th, which would suggest the wife knows nothing about the OP.

messybedhead Tue 30-Jul-13 08:55:07

Are you sure he doesn't only 'live with his parents' when you stay over ?

LIZS Tue 30-Jul-13 08:57:12

I'd bet you don't know the half of it , sorry . I'm sure the clues will be there once you look back more objectively - the trips for work , cancelled visits, finances, not being available on the phone etc.

He has never been your partner as he wasn't available . He has got to play happy families with you while enjoying another relationship, of course he wants to carry on hmm . How were you suddenly going to have that week free for a surprise holiday ? When children are involved it would take careful planning . Can't believe so many people covered for him though, what kicks were they getting from this charade - poor you.

justgivemeareason Tue 30-Jul-13 08:58:35

I am also wondering why you have been together 5 years, your dc see him as their father, you are planning to have a child yet don't live together. It sounds as if it would be very easy for him to live this double life.

Missbopeep Tue 30-Jul-13 08:59:41

It's all a bit Jane Eyre isn't it- a secret mad wife.

Taking out everything else, I suppose in your shoes I'd have wanted to know why a 35 yr old man- as he was when you met- was living with Mum and Dad and in 5 years has shown no desire to move out either on his own or with you.

Did you never ask why? Presumably it's because his money is tied up in another house.

I suspect that when you met the separation was new, and he always meant to tell you but never got round to it- for obvious reasons.

He's either very very clever at covering his tracks, and his family have colluded with him, or you have been a bit naive and not noticed signs that must have been there.....

the only answer now is a very long and honest conversation.

cuillereasoupe Tue 30-Jul-13 09:02:14

^I was thinking Jane Eyre too! Have you been in your attic recently OP?

In any case, the man's one serious liar. I think in time to come you'll see you're well rid.

Missbopeep Tue 30-Jul-13 09:05:22

If he's stinking rich and owns pile in Yorkshire, hang on in there but if not, dump.

Only joking.

pictish Tue 30-Jul-13 09:06:32

5 years living a lie.
Anyone who chooses to lie to this extent, is a complete waste of time. An absolute no no. A dud.
Even trivial, silly lies are a solid indication that a relationship should come to an end. This 5 year charade is off the scale!

He says the holiday was meant to be a surprise for you?
That is another whopping lie.

This guy wouldn't tell the truth if you paid him. He has no problem fabricating the biggest pile of bullshit going, and feeding it to you on a spoon.

I am so sorry OP...I am gutted for you.You know what you have to do though. Don't be his fool.

JessicaBeatriceFletcher Tue 30-Jul-13 09:08:15

I am also wondering why you have been together 5 years, your dc see him as their father, you are planning to have a child yet don't live together. It sounds as if it would be very easy for him to live this double life.

THIS. Sorry, the whole scenario just seems totally odd to me.

FannyMcNally Tue 30-Jul-13 09:09:15

Maybe his parents and friends think the op knows about the wife? They might think that that is the reason they are not living together.
I can't believe so many people would be in on a lie like that.

TheRealFellatio Tue 30-Jul-13 09:12:01

Although how he thought he'd get away with going away for his 40th without the OP going with him I don't know. confused There are so many unanswered questions here, I'm starting to think that the OP must have been very naive about all sorts of things over the years.

TheRealFellatio Tue 30-Jul-13 09:12:47

But if they thought she knew then surely it would have come up in conversation at some point?

Viking1 Tue 30-Jul-13 09:12:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

specialsubject Tue 30-Jul-13 09:15:08

you're not an idiot for being conned.

But lying to you for FIVE years? How can you ever trust this man again? Move on. Sorry.

DuchessFanny Tue 30-Jul-13 09:17:35

What does he say in all these texts ? Is he trying to explain ? Or minimise ? Is his mum in touch for a catch up, or because she now knows you know and wants to explain for him ??
Can't believe everyone - work/friends/parents went along with this, there MUST be a reason why and you need to know for peace of mind !

paperlantern Tue 30-Jul-13 09:18:39

Is there any chance it is just as he says? Did you find out for definite he was planning to take the holiday with this ex? this just doesn't sound like an affair. He's been too open about you

I'd want more information. People who split can still be close. Might just never had got round to divorce. Id wany to know on what terms he sees her. Counter intuitive ly Id suggest to your partner that of je wants to keep seeing her as friends it becomes a joint friendship or he ends contact (either way he must now push through a divorce)

TheRealFellatio Tue 30-Jul-13 09:19:46

Actually I've just realised I know someone who had a similar relationship to this for seven years. Single mum, two kids, thought her boyfriend was just not up for settling down and taking on her kids permanently/officially, and was very devoted to his parents (only child).

But he would spend every weekend with her, for years, they'd go on holiday together, and the children came to think of his parents as step GPs.

They worked together but lived a good 60 miles apart, so only really spent time together at weekends. So he had all week to do as he pleased, supposedly with his parents, at their house. The first she knew that all was not well was when he told he we was getting married to someone else. They'd been in this routine for 7 years!

He was unnaturally attached to his parents though, it was true, and when he married the other woman the deal was that she would live with him and his parents.

Treagues Tue 30-Jul-13 09:23:21

I think having all his family and friends in on the lie sounds like a recipe for disaster. What are the chances of nobody mentioning his first wife in five years?

It sounds like you have a good enough relationship with his family that you could ask them?

Chubfuddler Tue 30-Jul-13 09:28:13

I agree with fellatio's assessment of the situation at 08:55

paperlantern Tue 30-Jul-13 09:30:50

I can just imagine "btw i never bothered to divorce my ex because it was easier that way, still in friendly contact, and still care about her enough to not cause her additional hurt" became one of those conversation s there was never a right time to have with new girlfriend

What he does now is key

TheRealFellatio Tue 30-Jul-13 09:33:54

I suspect work colleagues and friends that are around now may not even know about the wife. Let's face it, a lot can change in your life in five years, new job, new friends, new everything. It would be easy to airbrush her out of existence. These days with most calls being to mobile phones people are less traceable to specific houses/places.

I can see how, if you are separated from your spouse but still close, and in a complicated on/off relationship, or a cynical relationship of financial convenience, it would be reasonably easy if you were clever enough, to continue that while all your friends and family think it's properly, permanently over, and (especially with no children to keep contact with) never give the ex a minute's thought again. Maybe he's convinced his mother to never mention the ex to the OP for some misguided reason.

I think perhaps they had a very insular relationship and few friends together, and it has been easy for him to deny her existence, OR he very cleverly lives a complete double life with a full set of friends that he shares with her, but he keeps her away from his parents and work colleagues.

paperlantern Tue 30-Jul-13 09:41:34

That's it, so many scenarios "fit". Until you have more information you haven't a clue which is right.

Meeting the wife would be the quickest way to get a llot of information about how dp really feels towards her

ithaka Tue 30-Jul-13 09:46:44

This reminds me of my friends dad - he had a double life for years, living with his mistress down south for years, who was unaware that his wife & children he maintained up north still considered him married and working away from home. His mistress thought they were separated, but he never told his wife they were separated. This went on for over a decade, at least. The (now grown up) children found out before the wife, which put them in a highly tricky position.

takeaway2 Tue 30-Jul-13 09:48:53

I agree with Fellatio's comment "I suspect work colleagues and friends that are around now may not even know about the wife. Let's face it, a lot can change in your life in five years, new job, new friends, new everything. It would be easy to airbrush her out of existence. These days with most calls being to mobile phones people are less traceable to specific houses/places."

- not the same thing, but my DM passed away more than 20 years ago (very young). My DF has a new partner now (for 20 years or just under). neighbours since then and friends all assume that she's my mother (OMG - but that's another thread!)... so they say things like 'ahhhh your little DCs look so much like GM' - which makes me want to punch them but I don't correct them because it's too long a story.

I don't think my dad/SM set out to show the world that there was never a first-wife around (or that my dad was a widower)... I think it just happened. Given that I don't even live in the same country and so visit annually, I don't really mind. Of course, all the family and friends pre SM know about my DM and her death etc...

IDontDoIroning Tue 30-Jul-13 09:51:42

I can't understand why a person wouldn't get divorced in this situation think about it - she's legally the next of kin, would inherit his estate and get a widows pension etc. imagine what kind of impact that could have had on your life later on down the line. Some unknown stranger could have half your house all his possessions, his pension etc.

I can kind of understand if a person was deeply religious but in that situation wouldn't they have just carried on living together?

In any case you can divorce without the others consent after a set time anyway so why hasn't he done that. Maybe he can't be bothered with the hassle and the expense but if there are no kids or huge amounts of assets to share it shouldn't be that hard or expensive. nd if he can't be bothered that doesn't say a lot for how invested he is in your relationship.

Missbopeep Tue 30-Jul-13 09:57:45

Anything we post is just speculation until the OP comes back.

There are too many unanswered questions about this whole thing, including her taking at face value everything that was presented to her. I cannot believe she didn't suspect anything , but I can believe she turned a blind eye to things that with hindsight were red flags or at least slightly odd.

cocolepew Tue 30-Jul-13 10:01:09

How bizarre and upsetting for you.

A friend of a friend was married for 20 years, her husband worked part of the week away. Except that he wasn't, he was with his other family, 4 miles away in the next town. He was caught when his 18 year old son walked into a restaraunt and saw his dad sitting celebrating his DDs 13th birthday. Neither woman had a clue about the other, he had been with the other woman for 15 years.

Mixxy Tue 30-Jul-13 10:01:35

Probably get mobbed here but any 40 year old man who lives with his mother for 5 years has to be a red flag for SOMETHING in my book.

ParsingFancy Tue 30-Jul-13 10:02:23

A person who is booking a surprise holiday and gets found out says, "Oh, I was booking a surprise holiday for you."

Not, "I think now would be a good time to tell you about the wife I visit fortnightly while you think I'm at my parents'."

Belatedly trying to convince the poor OP it was a holiday for her means he's still lying and trying to conceal the actual situation.

Which pretty much rules out any of the suggested "innocent" scenarios, where he and the wife just haven't done the divorce paperwork, because there'd be no need to lie about those.

So sorry, onwards.

Treagues Tue 30-Jul-13 10:06:02

Red flags are one thing. What about a man who has friends and family and a life...more of a pink flag really. It's too easy to go on the internet and say 'Massive red flag'.
<will probably be proved wrong later in this thread>

LittlePeaPod Tue 30-Jul-13 10:06:19

I can see what people are saying that he may not be married to her and therefore you could work this out and make it work somehow. Maybe you could and if its what you want then I wish you all the best Op. But this man spent 5 years been deceitful. Looking you in the eyes and consciously, knowingly telling you lies about his wife or ex wife, whatever she is to him. Its not the marriage. If their relationship is honestly over and there is no intimate relationship between them then his not a cheat but his still deceitful. Still if there is no intimacy then why not just tell you the truth in the first place? I am gobsmacked and I simply can't get my head around this. It makes no sense! What an awful position to be in because his either lied to you, his friends and his family or his friends and family have been complicit in the lie… Either way it makes him an utter twat!

How and where do you start to rebuild the trust? I could never again trust someone that spent 5 years telling me lies. IMHO anyone that is capable of that level of dishonestly can not be trusted - ever! What else has he lied about when deceitfulness clearly comes so naturally to him? How can anyone that cares/loves someone carry on lying for so long? I just don’t get it.

You clearly love him. Your choice is stay with him, live with/forget/forgive the lies which I personally could not do or leave him, move on with your life, try to heal the pain and be with someone that respects you, your DC and your feelings.

Capitola Tue 30-Jul-13 10:13:42

Regardless of the semantics in this case of what married means - this man has lied to his gf for 5 years.

I would never forgive this deceit.

Mixxy Tue 30-Jul-13 10:15:45

treagues I didn't mean a red flag as in, "this man is leading a double life, its so clear!" What I meant was a red flag about immaturity, financially reckless etc.

Treagues Tue 30-Jul-13 10:28:13

Mixxy I wasn't aiming that at you: actually I agree with you! But then independence is a big deal for me personally and I don't 'get' people who live so closely intertwined with family (as some people seem to do!).

trincomalee Tue 30-Jul-13 10:32:49

The lack of a divorce is a red herring. What matters is that he's been seeing his ex on a regular basis without mentioning this to you for 5 years.

Sorry, OP, but that seems more than odd if they are just friends.

LittlePeaPod Tue 30-Jul-13 11:09:05

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/lone_parents/1321645-Lonely

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/1411980-complex-mental-health-problems

Op I am even more confused now and I feel terrible about what I am about to say. Please, please, please accept my sincere apology and forgive me if I have got the wrong end of the stick here. And I deserve to be lambasted by the rest of MN if I have got this all out of reason/understanding.

I am genuinely sorry for asking this but I have to because it makes no sense. I actually normally would never poke about in someone's history but I am so confused by this situation that I had a look at your previous threads totally out of character for me and never done it before. The reason I did, was to see if you have been miss treated in the past by this man. Again I am sorry if I have the wrong end of the stick and you have every right to pull me up on it.

I can see that you have had some challenging times with your ex and also have your hands full with your little one's health issues (really sorry to read about that). I understand from this thread you have been with your DP for 5 years (not living together) and your little ones love him to bits. But the other threads seem to slightly contradict this post. One of the ones attached above (from some time ago appreciated - 2011) seems to indicate that you were single less than 2 years ago and another in February 2012 which seems to indicate that you have never introduced your DS to any men understandably because he has complex health issues. But on this thread you mention you have been with your DP for 5 years. I am confused.

Again really sorry if I have the wrong end of the stick here. You have every right to have a real go at me if I am totally out of order reading into the history incorrectly and will personally request it is delete. I have been sat here not sure whether or not to post this.. I feel sick but I have to! Sorry.

mirry2 Tue 30-Jul-13 11:16:21

Littlepeapod, don't worry. If you've got the wrong end of the stick i'm sure the op will come back and explain.

LittlePeaPod Tue 30-Jul-13 11:17:16

I am feeling really bad about getting it wrong... Sorry Op is I have.

Glowbuggy Tue 30-Jul-13 11:18:32

People often change details so they are not outed. Although this one is starting to sound a little far fetched......

Crinkle77 Tue 30-Jul-13 11:19:54

I don't think his parents, work colleagues have conspired to deceive you. As far as they are concerned he is separated from his wife so there is nothing to tell.

Greenkit Tue 30-Jul-13 11:26:52

Well I was married and left hubby after 7months, but remained married for 5 years as I couldnt be bothered to get it sorted. I met my new husband about 6months after we split, TBF i did tell him I was married.

So it maybe that he married her, they split and he moved back with his parents, met OP and started a new life with her. As time went on it got harder for him to tell op about his old life/wife.

You dont always have to think the worst in people.

SoupDragon Tue 30-Jul-13 11:54:11

TBF i did tell him I was married.

And this is the crux of the matter.

The man in the OP is a proven liar. That is hardly "thinking the worst" of someone.

luckyclucky Tue 30-Jul-13 11:56:31

That is all so very odd.

Maybe the wife is loaded so he doesn't want to divorce her.

Missbopeep Tue 30-Jul-13 11:58:05

It's possible to be 'single' as the OP put it in her former posts, but still be in a 'a relationship'- have a boyfriend.
I wouldn't take the 'partner of 5 years' at face value, though can see the discrepancy between her posts here and the previous ones.

What I find more odd is that she hasn't come back...but maybe she's at work.

OrmirianResurgam Tue 30-Jul-13 11:59:34

Consummate liar. Liar, liar, liar!

So sorry OP sad

TheRealFellatio Tue 30-Jul-13 11:59:57

But he still spends time with his ex wife Green and has been keeping it a secret. That's not really normal, is it?

Missbopeep Tue 30-Jul-13 12:10:44

she's not his ex wife- she's still his wife. There's the rub.

Ohhelpohnoitsa Tue 30-Jul-13 12:18:20

Sorry not read all the posts yet and I feel terribly sad for you. BUT, the only answer you need is in your op - he is going on a holiday you didnt know about (after 5 yrs) for a special. birthday and he lied and said he was working. You dont even neex to read any more in to it. If he isnt goung with you, his partner of 5 yrs, whi is he going with and why did he lie? A good friend of mine found out her bf of 18yrs was also seeing someone else for 4 years and she found this out from a third girlfriend. These men do exist and its awful for you. You deserve much better. Get rid.

CheeseFondueRocks Tue 30-Jul-13 12:21:41

How exactly does this post " My boyfriend is like a father to my son" correspond to the "I'm so lonely. How do I ever meet a man?" post?

I don't see it.

CheeseFondueRocks Tue 30-Jul-13 12:23:19

"I have not ever ha a bloke over!" That is not changing little details to protect one's identity...

Missbopeep Tue 30-Jul-13 12:31:44

Possibly because she liked to think he was her boyfriend.....but he was spending half his time somewhere else.

The Op needs to come back- too many odd things now.

SirBoobAlot Tue 30-Jul-13 12:41:57

This is incredibly odd... All of it.

LittlePeaPod Tue 30-Jul-13 12:45:16

It just doesn't make sense, none of it makes sense. But I think we should wait to hear what the Op has to say.

Wellwobbly Tue 30-Jul-13 16:09:00

its the mother I find wierd.

Missbopeep Tue 30-Jul-13 16:09:25

where is the OP?

AnyFucker Tue 30-Jul-13 16:45:46

Curiouser and curiouser

LittlePeaPod Tue 30-Jul-13 16:56:34

Maybe Op lives in a different country as her original post was very early hours?
Maybe we are in different time zones to Op?
Maybe we may hear something later?
Maybe she is at work or maybe she is too upset to respond?
Maybe she may not come back at all? I hope she does as I am really confused. If not I hope you are OK Op.

Cerisier Tue 30-Jul-13 17:53:23

I can't get my head round this one, due to the behaviour of the parents. It is all too odd.

Missbopeep Tue 30-Jul-13 18:05:59

The only way his parents' behaviour can be understood at all is if they thought that the OP knew about the wife.

MysteriousHamster Tue 30-Jul-13 18:52:54

Or he doesn't have a wife, but has been cheating on OP with another woman and came up with this stupid lie.

Otherwise I'm not sure how she'd be openly with him with work and parents and no one mention it.

This of course is all moot if the OP is in fact not quite right after what Littlepeapod has said.

Greenkit Wed 31-Jul-13 08:50:09

I guess my situation was different as we had a child, so there was a link between me and the husband. I just didn't want to go through the whole divorce thing, 1) I wasn't sure how to do it and 2) I had no money.

Anyway, maybe he didn't say anything, as to him the marriage was over long ago and he just kind of put it to the back of his mind. He apparently only see's his 'wife' once a fortnight, she wont let go. Perhaps his family were hoping he would tell OP and finally make the break with the 'wife'.

OR maybe he is a lying, cheating scum bag, who knows eh!

SoupDragon Wed 31-Jul-13 09:00:23

Given he lied about having to work for his birthday week when he'd taken it as holiday, he is clearly not a fine upstanding example of honesty.

OP says on the other thread it is just her, dd and DS. DS was 7 at the time of the thread (Feb 12) and his dad left when he was a day old. On this thread she says she has been with this man since she was six months pregnant.

this thread here that littlepea linked to. Doesn't add up sorry.

Missbopeep Wed 31-Jul-13 10:49:49

I don't think the link to the other thread proves or disproves anything tbh.

All it shows is that the OP said that there had never been any man staying over at her house. She could have been 'with' the man whose now 'married' ( if he is in fact) but just not on the basis that is normally assumed.

Maybe she has made the relationship with him far more than it ever was.

Or maybe she's just batty and it's all attention seeking lies.

The only way to find out is to ask her to come back.

Perhaps there is additional information we are not party to which would tie up the loose ends. Ie she has been in an on off relationship with him for 7 years but more serious for the last 5. Don't know. Only the OP can explain. On the surface it doesn't look good but I'm prepared to be proved wrong.

Missbopeep Wed 31-Jul-13 11:16:01

It's all conjecture isn't it?

But there are some odd people out there who do use forums to live fantasy lives, so it's hard to know what is real and what is not some of the time.

LittlePeaPod Wed 31-Jul-13 13:13:27

I am really hoping I got it all wrong and there is an explanation for the confusing diaparities in hisotirc information/posts. The alternative leaves me feeling really sad and a little sorry for anyone that would make up this sort of post up just for attention.

TheRealFellatio Wed 31-Jul-13 13:31:02

The thing is, we all assume that a five year relationship cannot possibly be 'normal' if he hasn't moved in, still lives with his parents etc, but not everyone's idea of what constitutes a relationship is the same as ours. Loads of people have said they'd be suspicious of a bloke who still lives with his parents in his late 30's but plenty of people do live like this, and it's normal for them.

There was a woman on here a few months ago agonising over an affair she'd apparently been having with a married man (she was married too) and she'd left her husband but the man got cold feet and wouldn't leave his wife. And then she said they'd never even had sex! And they'd supposedly been having this 'affair' for FOUR YEARS! In my mind that would not be a four year affair that would be an inappropriate four year friendship that crossed some boundaries, or just an obsession on her part, but not clearly she thought differently.

TheRealFellatio Wed 31-Jul-13 13:32:08

sorry, garbled last sentence!

Clearly she thought differently.

changeforthebetter Wed 31-Jul-13 13:52:24

Hmm. I am nowhere near getting my divorce as X in no hurry and work/small DCs/divorce costs mean little headspace to think about it. I see him regularly at mine because of access visits there. We have even taken the kids on a few little day trips together. However, it's strictly amicable. Hell would freeze over before I'd have him back and I doubt he regrets choosing his "single man" lifestyle hmm

I suppose it is feasible. However, I don't make a secret of being married but separated IYSWIM. As far as I am concerned, he is always referred to as my X. I would certainly be open about the situation with any dates............. [tumbleweed emoticon wink]

Missbopeep Wed 31-Jul-13 13:53:43

What seems odd to me is that the OP has posted at length about the terrible problems she has with one of her children, yet in this thread she says she was able to go on a 'spur of the moment' holiday with this man and , I assume, find someone to care for her DCs. On top of which she is/was talking of having another child despite having huge pressure on herself with the current DCs.

OP I hope if you are reading you will come back, and say you are okay or whatever.

LittlePeaPod Wed 31-Jul-13 14:21:42

I agree a relationship doesn't necessary mean you must/have to live with someone after 5 or any number of years. DF's friend has been with his OH for 8 years and they happily live apart (both in early forties, both have no DC, nothing stopping them moving in together) but are still very much a couple. That's not what confuses me about this situation. It's some of the other postings, like (amongst others as per other posters but not verbatim but the same message)

- I am lonely. How do I ever find a man? Surely you wouldn’t say this if you were in a relationship - living together or not? But I accept maybe they were having a break at this point for reasons unknown to us.

- Posting that Op met her partner whilst six months pregnant, but then in another note posting how your ex walked out whilst your DC was one day old. Again maybe they had got close before Op split with previous partner hate to say it but affair, I don't know just having a guess

- Posting you met OH whilst 6 months pregnant but then on a different post saying you had never introduced your son to a man because of his health needs. Surely if you met someone 5 years ago whilst 6 months pregnant and you have spent time with your OH's family, friends etc you would introduce your DCs within a year or two? Again I don't know as I have never been in this situation so all this is supposition on my part.

Hoping the Op comes back even if it is to day she is ok and hope she is ok.. I would hate to think someone is in pain and afraid to come back because me/my post. Regreating posting my querying note now. Me and my big mouth.

Ezio Wed 31-Jul-13 14:28:11

Little i was curious about her other posts too, and find out the same things you did, just doesnt add up.

Not unless she is posting on behalf of someone else.

LittlePeaPod Wed 31-Jul-13 14:31:32

Ezio that's true. Didn't think that this could be on someone elses behalf.

Let's give her the benefit of the doubt and hope she comes back. I would hate for it to be genuine and she doesn't come back because of this. Please post if you are able to OP.

TheRealFellatio Wed 31-Jul-13 14:48:46

Is it possible that it is a totally different woman using a deregged name? I just did and AS and posts for that name have been coming up since at least 2008 and they seem almost like a different person speaking, no mention of behavioural/SN problems etc. Although maybe they just hadn't surfaced in 2008.

Orchidlady Wed 31-Jul-13 14:55:30

littlepea please stop feeling so bad, the whole thread was odd before reading the previous posting. too many contradictions. Without being judgemental but why say you are considering having another baby when you do not live with the potential father (and by the sounds of it would be impossible as ops DS would make it impossible) ( barking like a dog, smearing excrement around the house to mention a few things a few things.)

Missbopeep Wed 31-Jul-13 15:03:51

TRF-a re you sure you searched correctly because there is an Onwardsandupwards and an Onwardandupward- 2nd one without the 's' on Onwards.

Orchidlady Wed 31-Jul-13 15:05:00

thereal well that would explain it. hmm

Ezio Wed 31-Jul-13 15:09:58

Real Its possible.

Miss i copied and pasted the name from the op, and got the same threads.

I done a search on onwardandupwards (s on end only) and her posts contradict themselves. She consistently says she's a lone parent but the children's ages and when their father left seems to change quite a bit.

cozietoesie Wed 31-Jul-13 15:15:20

ArkadyRose

Just one small point - it does depend on whether your marriage is Scottish or English because the marriage laws are different - in Scotland, you can divorce without spousal consent after 2 years of separation. If your DP was Scottish, that wold work.

cozietoesie Wed 31-Jul-13 15:16:46

Sorry - I should have said the 'family' laws. There are more differences than just marriage and divorce.

Missbopeep Wed 31-Jul-13 16:33:32

Very confusing posts from her. Lots of contradictions about ages of children where they are being educated ( home ed or sec schools)......

doubt we'll never know for sure what this was all about.

What are the chances of a woman's partner fathering five children behind her back then her going on to be with someone else who has a wife he keeps secret for five years?

TheRealFellatio Wed 31-Jul-13 17:10:48

Missbopeep yes I think you are right - just did it again and I can see where I went wrong. blush

There has been absolutely no mention of a partner on any of her other posts at all which is a bit odd after supposedly 5 years together. but she is clearly a long term committed poster and most of her other stuff about her children is very consistent. confused

Maybe she has known him five years as a friend and has sort of described it to be bigger relationship than it was, to sort of lend it some gravitas or to justify how upset she is. Either way, she sounds like she has a very crap time going on with her DS and I feel sorry for her. Don't want to think badly of someone having a hard time. sad

frissonpink Wed 31-Jul-13 17:16:19

confused 40 and living with his parents? You've been with him for 5 years? Met his circle of friends etc?

Something doesn't add up here sorry.

I wouldn't go out with a guy over 21 who was still living with his parents! Massive red flag!

How come he didn't move in with you?

Missbopeep Wed 31-Jul-13 17:19:34

That's a bit mean frisson- the stats actually show that there are lots ( millions) of 21+ men and women living at home due to the cost of rent and houses especially in the SE. I agree that 40 is rather odd but you need to accept that there are plenty in their mid-late 20s still at home for economic reasons.

The posts about her son and his special needs are very consistent. But the children's ages and the timings of relationships are not confused

TheRealFellatio Wed 31-Jul-13 17:21:48

frisson it is NOT a read flag! Seriously, some people just cannot afford to leave home or don't want to - it doesn't automatically make them weirdos! some people are shy, or lonely on their own, late starters with women, or are just close to their parents, possibly being carers for them, or have returned after a failed marriage when the house cannot be sold for whatever reason - there a loads of scenarios where someone may still live with their parents. As I said upthread, not everyone can or wants to live to the same lofty ideals that very together, confident, well paid young adults do - it's just not an option for them for all sorts of reasons. We may secretly find them a bit loserish, but it doesn't mean that don't deserve to form relationships!

frissonpink Wed 31-Jul-13 17:22:57

I'm sure there are, but also pretty sure once they get in a relationship with someone (one that's serious, which 5yr would indicate?), surely any normal man would try to find a way to share a house with the woman he is with?

No?

Housing is expensive - when you're on your own. Can't see how would be any cheaper at Mum and Dads, than sharing with your gf, unless Mum and Dad were letting you stay for free (which let's be honest, would be very very odd for a working man in his late 30's)

Either way, red flag!

fancyanother Wed 31-Jul-13 17:23:55

Haven't read the whole thread, so this may have been answered but why has he booked a week off if he doesn't live with his wife and wants it to be over between them? A week off for his 40th, which he is obviously going to spend with her?

Missbopeep Wed 31-Jul-13 17:33:44

Yes I agree with all of that.
The possible truth- the Lady Detectives of MN!- is that he never really did live with his M&D, maybe the OP thought he did as he stayed with them now and then, but also stayed with his wife.
He could be the sort of bloke who strung everyone along- wife, parents and OP, with no one really aware of where he lived.

But there is also the possibility that all the stuff posted by the OP is, should we say, not exactly accurate?

missbopeep I thought that too, about him not living with his parents. Someone I know has just split up with his wife and she thinks he's living with his mum. He actually has his own flat and a gf who she's not aware of. His family are very uncomfortable with it because they get on well with his wife but nobody feels it's their place to say. Could be a similar scenario here. Still lots of unanswered questions though.

Missbopeep Wed 31-Jul-13 18:19:29

Worst case could be that he was still half-living with wife all along, albeit unhappily...but stayed with parents now and then ( they knew about wife) to keep up the pretence of being single for the OP- and the parents for whatever reason, decided to help him cover up the truth. It would be very easy for parents to keep a 'spare room' for a child to stay in now and then, and it look as if he lived there all the time.

ThePinkOcelot Wed 31-Jul-13 18:19:50

Doesn't look like OP is coming back to explain!

Fallout1977 Wed 31-Jul-13 18:52:27

Errr frissonpink my brother is 40 and moved back home a few years back because he couldn't afford the rent on his place when he kicked his ex out doesn't mean he's some kind of weirdo though! He could get a place now but after the awful time he had with his ex he doesn't trust women anymore and prefers to spend his money on clothes and having a blast with his huge circle of friends. Plus my mum babies him and who can resist that ;) love living with my mum smile shame she hasn't got a bigger house as we would all move in ;)

HappyMummyOfOne Wed 31-Jul-13 20:28:05

Seems weird his parents are involved, that part doesnt add up.

Whilst most people post re partners or spouses, if the OP is claiming lone parent benefits then not mentioning a partner is not unusual so that it cant be picked up on.

LittlePeaPod Thu 01-Aug-13 05:03:38

Thanks Orchardlady.

zippey Fri 02-Aug-13 12:39:14

Still no update? I hope OP comes back and tells us the truth.

DuchessFanny Fri 02-Aug-13 13:00:43

I don't think OP is coming back ...

thistlelicker Fri 02-Aug-13 13:38:55

I think we been "trolled" hmmmmmm

Missbopeep Fri 02-Aug-13 13:41:21

She has a long MN history. Don't think she's a troll, but do suspect that she embellished the relationship so that it was more in her head and on this thread than it ever was- and she wasn't able to answer all the questions without looking a bit sad
But if not, hope she is ok.

emmelinelucas Sun 01-Sep-13 23:35:50

I dont think a MNet history counts for anything where trolls ae concerned

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now