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Elusive orgasm...

(99 Posts)
Norgasm Sun 28-Jul-13 21:15:09

Been married several years, together even longer, two smallish DC. In general, v happily married. I have always had a real problem getting to orgasm though, which (along with all the usual reasons - tiredness, small DC, not making the time etc) means that we hardly ever have sex. In fact, I'm not sure I've ever managed a proper orgasm blush. DH is extremely kind and patient, but he would love to have sex more often, and in theory so would I.

Every single time we have sex, it feels nice up to a certain point, and then it just feels like it's too much, and I lose the momentum, and don't seem to be able to go all the way. It's almost like being intensely tickled - it's pleasant up to a certain extent, but then you just want it to stop. I don't know how other people manage to orgasm - it is apparently such a normal thing but I feel like a complete failure / freak that it's so elusive for me.

Does anyone have any idea what I mean? What on earth can I (we?) do about it? This is by far the single biggest issue in our relationship (although not a dealbreaker). By the way, have name-changed for obvious reasons but am sadly absolutely not a troll...

How are you being stimulated? If it's by DH hands or just trying to get the angle right through penetration then it's not likely to be easy. What you need is to use either your fingers or a small vibrator, find a comfortable position where dh can take it slowly and be very relaxed.

Diagonally Sun 28-Jul-13 21:34:59

I know exactly what you mean about "it feels like it's too much". That means you are not being stimulated in a way which is going to work for you, or that you are being overstimulated which is what makes you feel like you want to stop. It's a fine balance, and everyone is a bit different. Lots of women can orgasm through oral sex, for e.g., or from using a vibrator, but neither of those work for me!

Have you ever had an orgasm by yourself? I really would recommend you try and get yourself there a few times first on your own, and then you can bring your DH in to the equation once you feel more confident.

Twinklestein Sun 28-Jul-13 21:35:23

Can you orgasm on your own? I'm not sure when you say you don't think you've had a proper orgasm you mean with your husband, or ever.

Norgasm Sun 28-Jul-13 21:53:42

Er, I don't do it on my own. And never have, even as a hormonal teenager. I think I am the only woman on Mumsnet (in the world?) who doesn't. I am too embarrassed. Even if I was in a locked room with everyone out of the house. blush blush. I think this is part of the problem. I don't even have any moral objections to sorting yourself out, so I don't know what my problem is sad.

We have tried DH hands, a small vibrator and oral (as well as penetration, but that def does't work on the orgasm front), and it either doesn't really work at all, or gets too much and it has to stop. Diagonally - that's very reassuring that there is (hopefully!) some technique out there, and we (I?) just haven't found it yet. Rather than feeling that I'm just a failure as the current approaches aren't working...

filee777 Sun 28-Jul-13 21:55:33

Look up tantric, it's all about keeping it below that intense stage and letting the intensity build up.

FoxyHarlow123 Sun 28-Jul-13 22:06:31

Can I ask why you're too embarrassed? Even by yourself? Even though you didn't answer the question directly, it sounds like you've never had an orgasm. Perhaps you could give this a shot and then once you discover what it feels like, you can consider transferring this to being with your partner. Once you know how they feel, you might want to keep practising! Btw, vibrators can be very discreet and don't have to be great big dildo-like affairs!

Twinklestein Sun 28-Jul-13 22:12:02

I think the key lies in you getting to know your own body. Try to discover if you have a G spot & where it is. Once you can do it on your own, then it will be much easier to do it with your H.

By way of analogy - it's easier to give someone directions to er Greenwich, if you've been to Greenwich before. (lol)

If you feel too inhibited about doing it alone - it's not that surprising that you can't do it with your H. Perhaps you can't quite let go enough?

Norgasm Sun 28-Jul-13 22:13:00

I don't know why I'm embarrassed. I don't have any traumatic past or anything. I just am. I just need to find some way of getting over this mental block. And yes, I think I've never managed to actually have one - I get a tingly feeling and it really feels like it's about to lead somewhere big, and then it all falls apart. Again. sad

Diagonally Sun 28-Jul-13 22:17:05

I can imagine if you are not used to doing it, masturbation could make you feel quite self conscious. What about trying it out by reading some erotic literature at the same time, so you have something to concentrate on which isn't you? There's lots on line these days, do you have a kindle?

Can I suggest that you have a warm bath, and a couple of glasses of wine, or a small brandy? It will help relax you (and the brandy makes you feel warm and lovingwink)

as others have suggested, try a little self-exploration first. It will feel a little strange to start with, but once it starts to feel nice I'm sure you'll get with the flow!

loveyourlovebuttonlots Sun 28-Jul-13 22:22:11

I think it is definitely more important to explore your clitoris than your G Spot as a clitoral orgasm is much easier to reach. Plus it is worth noting that about 80% of women need clitoral stimulation during penetrative sex. Does your partner stimulate you in that area when you are lovemaking?

Playing alone is essential.

Wigeon Sun 28-Jul-13 22:23:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twinklestein Sun 28-Jul-13 23:24:52

^I agree re clitoris, but she knows where that is, whereas she may have a G spot but not be aware of it. (Although some women seem not to have one). Anyways, good luck OP!

eccentrica Sun 28-Jul-13 23:28:58

Trying to reach something when you don't understand what it is, with the pressure of someone else there watching you expectantly (even the most loving, supportive person in the world) is unlikely to work. And if it has any sense of being something you need to 'achieve' (so that not reaching orgasm is, as you say, 'a failure), it's definitely not going to work.

You really have to do it yourself first. I didn't have an orgasm til I was 21 (other than very early masturbation experiments age 9 or 10). I lost my virginity well before I was 16, so I'd had plenty of experience with men, but I didn't masturbate. When I finally did have an orgasm, I was truly blown away and became slightly addicted to them for about a year blush

I can now reach orgasm easily with my partner - although it always needs clitoral stimulation - penetrative sex alone is never enough although it can get me very close.

Although sex is by no means all about the orgasm (his or mine), the fact that I now come every time, like him, has made a huge difference to me. I feel like I'm participating more fully in the experience, if that makes sense. I enjoyed sex before, but somehow it wasn't quite the same and I felt (without admitting it maybe) a bit cheated and jealous that my sexual partner would have 'the full' experience and I was missing out on the most intense pleasure.

I am sure you can have this too. But not by chasing it during sex with your husband. here's my advice, based on my own experience:

- Buy a vibrator. You may need to try a couple to find one that really works for you.

- Be alone. At a time when no one is going to interrupt you, so there's no pressure of time.

- Lie down and explore. Use lube, Durex Play is good. Have some music on if you like. Perhaps have some erotic stories, or porn, whatever works for you. Let your mind and your hands wander. (If you want more specific suggestions I am happy to explain what works for me, but I think everyone is different!)

Above all, don't have any sense of pressure, of competition, of needing to race to get somewhere. Let yourself go with it. I did, and I had the shock of my life (in a good way) whenI finally came smile

ShowOfHands Sun 28-Jul-13 23:31:56

Oh you're not the only woman on MN. And I'm not even namechanging. I don't do that either. Not sure why. It seems faintly ridiculous. I'd only lie there thinking about what I should be doing. I can't switch off. I'm also a complete control freak so that's probably part of my problem. I think I have had one orgasm in my life but not sure if even that was right. I get to the point where really you may as well just be rubbing my big toe. It becomes more irritating than anything else. I have no answers clearly, but you're not alone.

littleoaktree Sun 28-Jul-13 23:42:55

I'm in the same position OP, I've recently got a book that was recommended on here this one which I'm working my way through and is quite good at helping you understand why you don't and feelings about it and what you can do to help.

Like SOH I'm a control freak and can't switch my mind off so know that's my problem.

ShotgunNotDoingThePans Sun 28-Jul-13 23:49:27

Sometimes when the feeling's not quite 'right' it can be because thete's a physical problem; the hood can adhere to the clitoris without one's knowledge.
It's more common than you'd think.
Might be worth having a look to see if everything's free down there, or if the clitoris is parly (or even completely) covered.

ShotgunNotDoingThePans Sun 28-Jul-13 23:50:47

Partly not parly.

onefewernow Sun 28-Jul-13 23:56:42

Ah well... I used to feel a bit like this, but it definitely changed in my late thirties. ( early 50s now).

I did have a few, but they were uncommon. And a lot if work.

I recommend practice alone. It is hard to be bothered at first but you grow into it.

So all is not lost!

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Mon 29-Jul-13 00:00:23

I think you definitely need to manage it on your own first...or you'll never get there with you like your body? Or are you unhappy with it?

orderinformation Mon 29-Jul-13 00:15:14

That's encouraging onefewernow.

I could have written this post a few years ago. I have had a couple though, only by myself. I would recommend finding something that really turns you on - for me it was erotic fiction (not fifty shades!!!) so when you do explore yourself you're already v turned on.

Also to work on breathing. Ou have to kind of hold your breath for it to happen. V hard to explain but you build up to holding your breath and end up having to pant to get some air in and then it happens.

I am also rubbish at letting go - drugs never had any impact on me when I experimented as I am too uptight to roll with it. So think it may be same bit of brain holding back for both.

Diagonally Mon 29-Jul-13 00:39:42

One thing I notice really affects me negatively is alcohol. I cannot orgasm when I have had more than a couple of drinks.

So if you usually have sex after a glass of wine or two, try none!

NoOrgasm2 Mon 29-Jul-13 09:23:36

Just to say you are not alone.
I've never ever come with a man. I am still hopeful.
I didn't have an orgasm until I was over 50. shock
I didn't masturbate as a teen. Maybe- just possibly- there is something rooted in my childhood because evidently when I was a young child my mum caught me fiddling with myself, for want of a better term, and although I don't remember being told off I sensed it was something that disturbed her.
I had 'success' after spending a huge amount of time masturbating but it took well over an hour. I've bought a vibrator and it works every time. However I am too shy to admit to DP that I own one! There is no way I could use it in front of him.
My problem I am sure is inhibition. DP is loving and patient but I just cannot let go in front of him, enough. I don't know why, but I can't. We've been together for years and through a lot together, but I just can't really let go.
The other point is that although he knows what to do, he doesn't do it like I do it to myself, and I need to keep 'directing' him, which makes it all a bit tense. Maybe my clitoris is just not that sensitive. I don't know.
If it's any help OP I have a close friend who is in the same situation as you- she's never had one either- alone or with a man. The difference is that she's not bothered, whereas I am.
I think for you, the first step is trying to do it yourself. At some point the embarrassment will go and you'll get into the swing.

RaRaZ Mon 29-Jul-13 19:59:46

Sounds like relaxation is your problem. If you get too tense about trying to orgasm, you won't get to that point - though I realise telling you not to think about it is like telling you not to pull the red cord! Are you confident having sex with DP? Lack of confidence is a huge barrier to orgasm.

Remember that we're all different and we all respond to different things. You need to spend some time working out what works for you. Many women never orgasm from penetrative sex with a man. I do - almost every time so long as I'm not tired - but I think I'm quite lucky in that respect. Position makes a hell of a difference: I'll always orgasm if I'm on top, but never to date with doggy (regardless of clit stimulation). See what feels good for you. Squeezing the pelvic floor helps some people, pushing down helps others, tensing the thighs and stomach can work, having him thrust really slow and deep can help... Depends where you're sensitive.

Focus on your nipples to start with, a bit of light rubbing and stroking and perhaps some gentle pinching. You should at some point finds it produces a tingle down below, that is the spot to head for.
As soon as you feel overstimulated, head back to the nipples.
Good luck.

ToTheTeeth Mon 29-Jul-13 20:10:11

If you won't even masturbate then it sounds psychological rather than your DP's technique or a question of positioning etc.

I used to have this problem, then I essentially gave myself permission to orgasm and now I seem to come like the clappers with the slightest provocation. If you have any control freak tendencies, or think nice girls don't, or don't want to give your DP the power of getting you off, or all kinds of quirks then it's not going to happen.

Basically you need to get wanking and find out what all the fuss is about without the pressure of anyone else being around.

Pawprint Mon 29-Jul-13 20:19:07

Hi there - it sounds like the vibrator you used wasn't powerful enough.

I agree with the others - try to stroke/massage yourself and find out what works for you. Don't concentrate on orgasm, just enjoy the good feelings.

I recommend the books by Nancy Friday as an introduction to self pleasure.

AlicesNextDoorNeighbour Mon 29-Jul-13 20:22:13

Been with DP for 2 years. We have a fair amount of sex, but he's never made me orgasm nor have I during intercourse. When I'm alone, I can orgasm in 10 minutes. When he is in the room/helping me, it takes me up to an hour (by which point he is usually falling asleep lol).

I don't particularly like him playing with me down there, with his fingers.

bellablot Mon 29-Jul-13 20:22:54

An organism is all in mind, mentally, if you aren't in the 'zone' there's no way if you climaxing.

Are you sure that nothing is stopping you? Have you truly explored why you are embarrassed? You have a mental block and its there for a reason, you have to start digging deeper and finding out why first of all then work on it.

Sexual issues are usually brought about from childhood - parents not telling us to touch our bits because its rude or disgusting, parents talking to their children about sex being derogatory or indignant instead of fun, enjoyable, exciting and fulfilling.

Explore a little deeper, hypnotherapy, counselling, your marriage is sacred and should be valued, sex is a huge part of married life and shouldn't be ignored.

Good luck! smile

RaRaZ Mon 29-Jul-13 20:29:11


bellablot Mon 29-Jul-13 20:32:28

Damn this predictive in predictive text!

bellablot Mon 29-Jul-13 20:33:08

Oh god, unpredictable, I'm off to bed hmm

themidwife Mon 29-Jul-13 20:38:54

I think what you're describing is overstimulation of your clitoris - it gets to the point where it almost hurts. I'm the same - perhaps like me you're a G spot orgasmer not a clitoral orgasmer. Try going on top leaning forward, partner almost sitting up to get the angle just right & then you control the movement & speed until it feels good?

LoisPuddingLane Mon 29-Jul-13 20:39:00

Another vote for doing it on your own first. I've found very few men have the knack of getting me there, so it's good to know how to do it yourself. It's also important if they don't get you there to be able to say politely "Do you mind if I finish? You can watch if you like". They like watching.

ShotgunNotDoingThePans Mon 29-Jul-13 20:45:30

Someone previously mentioned tantric; to those experienced in Western-style having-a-good-old-shag-and-done-with-it, this is tedious and wanky (pardon the expression). But for someone struggling with that style of intimacy, it's definitely worth exploring.

The emphasis is very much away from aiming to score the 'goal' of orgasm, but, as a starting point, it's really quite helpful in getting away from the end-gaining style of sex we get brought up on through exposure to western media.

Likewise the 'Tao' way of looking at sex. I've had wine so am probably revealing more than I'd like, but google 'tao breast massage' and ignore the spiritual woo (unless you like that sort of thing.) but it's a good starting point for getting turned on without all that tedious fiddling with your private parts.

LoisPuddingLane Mon 29-Jul-13 21:57:54

But that's the best part! I do love a good fiddle.

ShotgunNotDoingThePans Mon 29-Jul-13 22:03:38


DistanceCall Mon 29-Jul-13 22:13:33

Do you have any fantasies? Something that you find arousing (however silly) when you think about it? I would suggest trying to masturbate while thinking or reading or seeing images of this to try and orgasm on your own first.

DistanceCall Mon 29-Jul-13 22:14:41

And by the way, some women really find clitoral stimulation almost painful. For me, it's more a matter of rubbing and caressing the area in general, not the clitoris specifically.

EBearhug Mon 29-Jul-13 22:42:15

I agree about avoiding direct clitoral stimulation, especially as you're getting nearer the point. It can get sensitive to the point it's almost painful.

Do you use hormonal contraceptives? I found once I was off the Pill, orgasm was easier, especially in the week up to ovulation. (If you do use the Pill or implants, I don't suggest coming off them - risking an unplanned pregnancy if you don't want one will be one big major mental block for most people.)

LoisPuddingLane Mon 29-Jul-13 22:47:44

When I was on SSRIs, I found it really difficult to have an orgasm. It was like a thick layer of fabric was between me and the promised land. Hated it. I'm on tricyclics now and they don't dull things "down there".

ClartyCarol Mon 29-Jul-13 23:15:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lube helps. I found that using lubrication on my clitoris helped a lot with enhancing the stimulation.

Start with the mind, good conversation, or erotic literature (I recommend and fly solo first.

No alcohol is best for me, but experiment - different times of day, empty/full stomach, before/after exercise etc.

I found that gravity and warm water helpsgrin


RaRaZ Tue 30-Jul-13 11:13:04

Gravity??? confused

OP, have you tried not having sexual contact AT ALL for several days (long enough to get you wound up) and then only having sex when you're really frustrated? Then, just let yourself go. I only ask cos I can have pretty long orgasms when I'm really really up for it and we haven't had sex for a few days, so mebbies it would help you in a similar way.

Bearhug : Funny that, cos I'm the same. Do you orgasm easily right up to ovulation though? (If you don't mind me asking - can't believe I'm asking you that blush) Just cos I find it easiest probably from about days 3-12 and I find I'm REALLY up for it then too. But both decrease a little after that, which I think is odd from an evolutionary point of view - wouldn't I be better off gagging for it when I'm ovulating??

EBearhug Tue 30-Jul-13 21:19:30

Apparently sperm can hang around for up to 7 days, so I suppose evoluntarily, it makes sense to get as much as you can a few days before. I think probably I go right up to ovulation, then it tails off for a week, where I'm not really bothered at all, then it sort of builds up a bit towards my period, then I've got to deal with cramps before it goes back towards ovulation again. Sometimes I feel I ought to track it in the interests of science, and then I realise I can't be bothered, because I'm probably not quite that self-obsessed or sex-obsessed or so I'd like to convince myself.

ArlingtonStringham Tue 30-Jul-13 21:53:05

Please don't feel like a freak.

Just giving my experience: I had my first ever solo orgasm in the shower with the shower head. Could never orgasm on my own before that. My first ever orgasm was from oral sex from my second sexual partner and it took me ages to work out how to do it to myself on my own after that! I never masturbated as a teen, just had no inclination to try somehow or knowledge of what I was doing - I am a late bloomer!

eccentrica Tue 30-Jul-13 22:11:35

In terms of cycle, I'm pregnant at the moment but usually my sexual desire (in the sense of needing to come) peaks immediately before my period, sometimes going on into the first day or two of bleeding. Which makes no sense at all evolutionarily speaking grin

OP has disappeared btw!

Sallyingforth Tue 30-Jul-13 22:49:43

Another vote here for trying it yourself first. You need to find out what works (and doesn't work) for you, so you can guide your DH. It might help to look at some porn to get the juices going.

EBearhug Wed 31-Jul-13 01:47:23

eccentrica, I think the premenstrual desire thing is presumably all to do with increased blood flow round that general area (which, appropriately, my phone wanted to correct to genital.)

So the OP should experiment through the month, as it may be easier some times than others.

TeamSouthfields Wed 31-Jul-13 02:09:21

Iv been with 3 men, never had an orgasm with them...

Then got with a woman and all i can say is 'WOW wink

Oh yes Team!

themidwife Wed 31-Jul-13 07:17:51

That's interesting Team! What did she do different nosy but can't help it!

peteypiranha Wed 31-Jul-13 07:25:49

Go for oral. I have never had oral without in my orgasm in my life, even as early as age 14. It also makes it way easier to orgasm a second time when having sex if you have one through oral first.

ClartyCarol Wed 31-Jul-13 09:35:54

Everyone happily chatting away about their orgasms and the OP is sitting back and enjoying it if you ask me.

LoisPuddingLane Wed 31-Jul-13 09:40:34

You don't mean OP is a...*one handed poster*?

Coconutty Wed 31-Jul-13 09:49:25

I think OP is locked in a dark room with lots of batteries tbh.

ClartyCarol Wed 31-Jul-13 10:50:00

I think so Lois although Coconutty is obviously a bit less cynical more charitable than me.

eccentrica Wed 31-Jul-13 12:44:48

I have also been starting to suspect that... still, it's an interesting discussion regardless smile

LoisPuddingLane Wed 31-Jul-13 12:56:48

If we suddenly see

'eorju'pou'pj'pj'pojpoj.ll l yesssssssssssssssssssss!

We'll know.

Pass me a wet wipe.

themidwife Wed 31-Jul-13 13:17:32

Dear OP - if you are a bloke - have one on us love! not literally!! Hopefully your "research" will help you be a better lover if you ever meet a real life woman! gringringrin

Norgasm Wed 31-Jul-13 19:58:45

Hello. I am sadly entirely for real. I have been posting here since pregnant with my now-school-aged elder DC. I didn't bother posting the secret passwords in the OP because I thought I didn't need to, but here they are: tiktok is the resident BF expert. Phr47bridge is a resident admissions expert. Pombears came about because someone's DH offered some Pombears to some bonkers neighbours when they came round for dinner. Woolly Hugs do great things for bereaved mumsnetters and their families. The Christmas appeal started off as a grassroots thing but then went a bit mad and MNHQ took it over. SWMNBN is about this. I have never read the Cubes of Poo thread but I know it's another secret password. Don't post about parent-toddler spaces, disabled loos, WOHM vs SAHM, BF or FF unless you want trouble.

Please can someone report me if they think I'm a troll. It's a bit annoying to have accusations but no one bothering to actually report. Actually, as this is the first time I have been accused on being a troll, I feel like I have finally arrived since this is the first time in my otherwise unremarkable mumsnet career!

I know it's really poor etiquette to start a thread and then disappear for days, but it has been pretty difficult to find a moment to read it properly, what with having been at work (hardly the kind of thread you want someone seeing on your work computer!), busy in the evenings, children everywhere (one of whom can read!) etc. Sorry.

To everyone who is posting advice and experiences - thank you so much. It really is very useful / interesting / helpful. I am far far too embarrassed to ask anyone in RL so it really is invaluable.

TeamSouthfields - pretty drastic solution in my heterosexual position, but glad it worked for you!

bellablot - I have tried to analyse why I seem to have this problem - there is nothing really obvious in my past, but I think ToTheTeeth might have it - general underlying feelings of "nice girls don't", liking being in control in other aspects of my life etc. It's surprisingly difficult to just get over myself and get on with it.

Thanks again for all the replies - each of them has given me really useful food for thought (apart from the troll hunting ones...).

themidwife Wed 31-Jul-13 20:22:24

Hey no one accused you of being a troll - it was more of a lighthearted banter in your absence!

eccentrica Wed 31-Jul-13 20:22:37

Norgasm Don't be upset! This sort of thread, with a disappearing OP, is bound to provoke a bit of suspicion. It's not really troll hunting, just people expressing some understandable doubt. Thanks for coming back.

I for one am really glad that you're for real, though not glad that you are having difficulties. I'm one of the posters who wrote about my own similar experiences above and I hope you get a chance to try out some of my and everyone else's suggestions soon.

In my case, I think a lot of it was about not wanting to let a bloke be 'superior' to me - sounds weird, but I think in a sense I felt superior as they would be the one 'losing control' and I would still feel as if I was in charge of the situation, and of myself.

Once I realised that actually they were the ones getting the ultimate pleasure, and that I wasn't really 'winning' by staying in control, I think that helped too.

Missbopeep Wed 31-Jul-13 20:45:30

what on earth are secret passwords shock
can you enlighten me?

or have I stumbled into MI5 by mistake.

RaRaZ Wed 31-Jul-13 21:56:20

Same here, Missbopeep, I'm mystified!

themidwife Wed 31-Jul-13 21:59:55

Me neither! What secret passwords?

LoisPuddingLane Wed 31-Jul-13 22:18:03

Poor Norgasm doesn't know if she's coming or going.

Team Southfields - I used to live in Southfields!

ClartyCarol Wed 31-Jul-13 22:21:48

Sorry Norgasm.

ParvatiTheWitch Sat 03-Aug-13 00:24:38

Norgasam: The Ultimate O from Ann Summers. It'll will be the best £40 I you ever spent. I don't find it easy to come, but by jove, this was quick and powerful. Have a look at my AIBU thread about being irrtitated about DS using the last batteries I was saving for my rabbit (which is now gathering cobwebs again). Hope this helps. It was designed (The Ultimate O) by a woman who had never had an orgasm and in consultation with Gynacologists, so they got it just right. The woman who designed it is always "blowing her beans" now.

Nirvana79 Sat 03-Aug-13 00:40:55

Blowing her beans?!

Yuck yuck yuck!


Are you on commission?

ParvatiTheWitch Sat 03-Aug-13 00:51:59

I promise I am not on commission. Sorry for being too graphic.

Nirvana79 Sat 03-Aug-13 01:26:37

No worries, I just hate that phrase blowing your beans.

Wuldric Sat 03-Aug-13 01:49:19

During penetrative sex, it's all a question of positioning. It's virtually impossible for a woman to have an orgasm in plain vanilla sex in the missionary position - the angles just aren't right. Go on top - that makes a huge difference.

RaRaZ Sat 03-Aug-13 06:14:19

I think it depends very much on YOU - I find missionary quite easy orgasm-wise, but doggy does nothing for me at all.

LittlePebble Sat 03-Aug-13 06:35:39

Norgasm can I agree with what someone posted up thread about the pill. I could have written your post a few years ago, but in the last five years I've had a break through!

First I think I hit my thirties and my body changed a bit. Then I met DH who I relaxed a bit more with, I gave up worrying about orgasms and just enjoyed the sex and then I fell pregnant (planned). During pregnancy I could orgasm from intercourse (unheard of before) this went away after baby was born and I was back on the pill. I'm now off the pill TTC #2 and I've realised I've had a huge change in libido and sensitivity since coming off the pill. I've read up on it now and it's apparently a common side effect!

We will be looking at other contraception methods next time I can assure you wink

peteypiranha Sat 03-Aug-13 07:05:27

I dont believe the thing about woman peak in their 30s. I believe you can have as many orgasms as you want whenever, and the only thinks that stops some people is their minds.

You have to be relaxed, think dirty stuff and have no shyness at all. I have always been able to, but I couldnt care less what any man I have been with has thought, and definitely dont think about any mundane things when having sex as I have seen some people do. You have to always completely lose yourself in the moment.

ALittleStranger Sat 03-Aug-13 07:38:49

Well yes Petey, but it can take a while to train your mind to do all that, which is probably why people say women hit their sexual peak in their 30s.

peteypiranha Sat 03-Aug-13 07:42:50

I wouldnt say it is hard exactly. All it takes is not letting your mind wonder and enjoy the moment. Op just think dirty things in your mind whilst you are doing it then your mind wont wander, and it should all go from there really.

eccentrica Sat 03-Aug-13 21:51:24

littlepebble the Pill had the same libido-killing effect on me. hence I haven't taken it since the age of 22! :-)

katykuns Sat 03-Aug-13 23:26:44

Another here that had lack of libido on the pill.
My DP now is good in bed, but to get me to orgasm by either just penetrative sex or just clit stimulation doesn't work. I also have the stimulation that turns to pain when he stays on my clit too long.
I can only orgasm on my own through clit stimulation, but somehow this can't be achieved by him doing it.
I agree with other posters about having trouble letting go and the psychological element. My Mum was very prudish and made it very clear that sex for women is just not really to be enjoyed and only a tool to keep a husband. She is very repressed sexually and emotionally.. this had a very negative impact on my sister and I. Thankfully from talking with friends and trying to be more open I realise this is only my Mum's problem.
On an end note, oral sex is so much better for gentler clitoral stimulation... which may help with the build up to orgasm.

Norgasm Sun 04-Aug-13 17:51:25

Thanks for all the new posts smile.

I was on the pill for years, and did wonder if that was affecting my libido, but then came off it to get pregnant, and stayed off it for many months after second DC was born - I didn't notice any difference (ie it went from low to....still low).

I just never thought this would be so difficult - think I assumed it was just something which happened naturally. Really appreciate all your thoughts - DH now keeps offering to take the children out / go out in the evening and leave me with a bottle of wine and...!

DelayedActionMouseMaker Sun 04-Aug-13 17:59:16

Everyone goes on and on and on about the clit being the place to stimulate for orgasm, but I actually find it too intense too and have never orgasmed when someone is using their fingers. I do however enjoy loads of orgasms...

So what works for me is putting pressure on the mons pubis externally. Try lying on your front with a soft cushion under your front and gently rub yourself against it. I'm sure it looks like one is shagging the floor, but if you do it right it feels great, and once you've found the right area you can stimulate it with your palm whilst also using your fingers internally, which is one notch up from great! smile

Norgasm Sun 04-Aug-13 18:17:27

Ah - next question - any recommendations for erotic fiction online? blush Think that might actually help (not tried it before but seems worth a try to get in the mood). Don't have a kindle...

DelayedActionMouseMaker Sun 04-Aug-13 20:07:35

Anais Nin & Nancy Friday are quite good.

redmayneslips Sun 04-Aug-13 20:30:05

hello OP - try that should help and it is free.

Good luck!

EBearhug Sun 04-Aug-13 20:37:10

Definitely Nancy Friday. And I'll always have a soft spot for John Cleland's Fanny Hill, which I discovered while working in an academic library, and quickly realised it couldn't be read in the work place. I'm not so bothered about Anais Nin myself. There are plenty of erotic anthologies about, which are often quite good, because if one story doesn't grab you, another probably will.

eccentrica Sun 04-Aug-13 22:06:07

Don't know if it's online, but definitely try Nancy Friday - Women on Top is GREAT.

EBearhug Sun 04-Aug-13 22:53:37

Nancy Friday was recommended to me as a Kindle purchase the other day. (I declined. I have had paper copies for a couple of decades.)

DelayedActionMouseMaker Mon 05-Aug-13 08:38:53

You don't even have to buy some of tenancy Friday stuff...there are free pdf's online!

Norgasm Wed 07-Aug-13 21:54:12

Thank you for suggestions! Will start <cough> exploring...

BigBoPeep Wed 07-Aug-13 23:04:25

I can orgasm if I DIY but never have with a partner, and I didn't have a sexually repressed mother, was never made to feel shamed etc etc etc. I totally love and trust my husband who is actually an amazing lover blah blah blah.... but it just won't work.

I'm finding it even worse as I get older, it started taking me an hour or more to DIY so I've pretty much given up on altogether. I think I have 2 problems - I don't get turned on by a particular 'thing' like, a foot fetish for example, and my mind is always going ten to the dozen and I just can't stop it wandering off compiling shopping lists etc.! This isn;t a reflection on what's happening, often I don't even realise my mind's wandered til its too late and then I'm like "OH SHIT I WAS MEANT TO BE CONCENTRATING ON SEXY STUFF!?". I also don't like to break out of 'the zone' to direct a partner on what to do, that pretty much sets me back to square one.

The goods news is I really enjoy sex anyway, and get very 'excited' about my partner's orgasm instead. Now if he didn't come I'd feel VERY 'unfulfilled'... confused

EBearhug Fri 09-Aug-13 20:23:56

I thought of this thread when I saw this.

GreenSkittles Sat 10-Aug-13 01:08:38

That's great OP! I wish you many happy orgasms!

I had my first orgasm at the age of 29.

I often wondered if the female orgasm was something we all just pretended to have. I was brilliant at faking it, my ex OH never questioned how I managed to orgasm within a few minutes of sex every single time. I would feel the tension build up, let it ebb away, then wonder if that was an orgasm.

In the end I decided to put aside an entire afternoon with every stimulus possible and if anything could happen it would. I bought a pink rabbit vibrator (the engine died eventually, I still mourn the loss), stuck some non-scary porn on, turned my phone off, drew the curtains, and started experimenting. My first real orgasm was unmistakable, so powerful like my body had been waiting for it for years!

After that I learnt the best method to orgasm with the rabbit quickly, then I managed to do it gadget free. I think with women it's the same process as with men, the pleasure builds up, then you hit a plateau and know your orgasm is basically unstoppable from there. The longer the build up the better it is. With a partner the patience has to be there, you can't assume you'll orgasm within 20 minutes, it will take as long as it takes.

Come back and update won't you? You ARE orgasmic, you just have to work out your system. smile

goodasitgets Sat 10-Aug-13 02:20:32

Whoever mentioned the ultimate O, I second it smile

Himoutdoors Sat 10-Aug-13 09:00:34

Employ mouth and both hands gently on all three erotic zones

Himoutdoors Sat 10-Aug-13 09:02:08

DH could start off with penetration that switch focus to your three zones

Himoutdoors Sat 10-Aug-13 09:04:02

Meant start with penetration for a bit without him having orgasm then switch focus to your zones

Ihatemytoes Sat 10-Aug-13 21:02:18


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