Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

does it matter if i class him as abusive or not?

(53 Posts)
cahemo Sun 28-Jul-13 16:20:36

That's it really. My dh fits some of the criteria.

But I've spent ages trying to discover if he is and just had an epiphany - I'm still unhappy whether he is or not.

Apart from physical safety-I'm aware the bastards can get nasty if they're abusive, does it matter? Isn't being desperately unhappy enough a reason to leave?

Or does an abusive man react differently to the news you're leaving them than a normal non-abusive guy?

ParsleyTheLioness Sun 28-Jul-13 16:24:15

Being unhappy is good enough reason to believe. I think abusive men can react differently to being left. Do you think you might be in any danger? If so, needs to be planned carefully.

ParsleyTheLioness Sun 28-Jul-13 16:24:55

Good enough reason to leave a relationship, that should have read.

cahemo Sun 28-Jul-13 16:27:45

I never used to be frightened of him, I've been depressed for six months and unable to work (no dc's), he's always been picky and domineering and I think that has contributed to my depression-simply put I don't feel I can do anything.

We had a major row yesterday-called disgusting names, pushed, threatened to call my family and tell them how **ing useless I am.

I seriously want to work but it's as if he doesn't get that and just thinks I am lazy.

Apparently his behaviour is my fault.

I'm so unhappy.

ParsleyTheLioness Sun 28-Jul-13 16:29:39

My depression became much better when I left my abusive XH. Are you planning on leaving the home, or getting him to leave, or just thinking of a plan?

2andout Sun 28-Jul-13 16:30:31

LTB. Good luck xx

ParsleyTheLioness Sun 28-Jul-13 16:30:49

Pushing is violence. Any exit needs to be planned IMO.

ImNotBloody14 Sun 28-Jul-13 16:32:07

Wanting to leave is all the reason you need to leave- you dont have to prove he's a bad'un to anyone.

cahemo Sun 28-Jul-13 16:32:16

Thinking of a plan. I've seen more clearly today than a long time. I thought I could just tell him and he'd let me plan and go but now he is exhibiting the red flags and I'm scared.

ParsleyTheLioness Sun 28-Jul-13 16:35:19

Ok. Can you leave whilst he is out or at work? Is there someone who will help you? The priority is keeping yourself safe, and this may well mean telling him it's over after you have gone safely.

cahemo Sun 28-Jul-13 16:37:10

I know this sounds stupid, but I've been chucking a lot of my stuff out today and going through possessions, my mum is willing for me to stay there a while, as is another family member, it just feels all overwhelming. I'm lucky I don't have dc's to think of, I know that

cahemo Sun 28-Jul-13 16:38:44

Trouble is, I genuinely don't feel as if I'll be able to do anything. He tells me I'm useless a lot. Even before I went sick, he was picky -in a 'nice' only-trying-to-help kind of way IYSWIM

I get fearful now just going on a bus/taxi

ParsleyTheLioness Sun 28-Jul-13 16:39:47

Ok. You just need to keep it together a short while longer, then you can be free. Are you able to get your stuff together, or at least the important stuff, and get out at a safe time?

cahemo Sun 28-Jul-13 16:41:44

I know my mum would collect me. I really hate him now. I think of all the things he has done: texting other women-when I got upset about this, I was being unreasonable as he'd never actually cheat.

He downplays his wrongs all the time; he is never really sorry for anything he has done.

ParsleyTheLioness Sun 28-Jul-13 16:43:38

So you need to leave him. Soon as possible. Can you safely do it today?

cahemo Sun 28-Jul-13 16:44:01

He insists on contacting me several times a day when he is at work. Today it's been: what are YOU going to do to change -his words.

After yesterday, no apology, nothing, he admits he went 'over the top' but that is it.

cahemo Sun 28-Jul-13 16:45:10

I've got to get out asap. Do I tell him or just go?

cahemo Sun 28-Jul-13 16:45:45

Must go now. He's back shortly. Any replies appreciated. Will read later. Ta x

Lweji Portugal Sun 28-Jul-13 16:48:45

How did he push you? What happened?

Pushing is physical violence, so I don't think you are safe, no.

Could you go to your mum's "just for a few days"? And see how it feels? Keep no contact. Turn your phone down.

You may find that those symptoms start lifting.

Lweji Portugal Sun 28-Jul-13 16:49:24

Oh, and if you know you must leave, then just go.

ParsleyTheLioness Sun 28-Jul-13 16:49:55

I would go, and tell him later. You don't owe him any more than that and telling him before leaves you in a potentially vulnerable position. Is he contacting you by landline or text? If by text/mobile, then you could be anywhere when he contacts you and can play along until you get out.

tribpot Sun 28-Jul-13 17:00:12

You just go. Call your mum, ask her to come and get you. Pack your stuff and get out.

He will then throw back at you the fact you left without 'allowing' him to defend himself but it is your choice and you will feel infinitely stronger if you deal with him from a separate residence.

scarletforya Argentina Sun 28-Jul-13 17:04:26

Just go OP. You don't need anyone elses permission. You don't need him to agree. It doesn't matter what he says. He is full of shit.

He pushed you and has worn down your self-esteem with emotional and psychological ABUSE.

You follow your instincts and go. Stop listening to his critical voice in your head. It's very unhealthy. You are a good person and he has no right to intimudate you and take away your freedom. You put one foot in front of the other and walk away.

You owe him no explanation. It's not your responsibility to fix him or make him see. You are free to walk, he can't do anything to stop you. Don't listen to him.

scarletforya Argentina Sun 28-Jul-13 17:04:51

*intimidate

garlicagain Sun 28-Jul-13 18:27:48

I'm not always keen to label people, but would say it's important to label abusive behaviour. This is because arsey behaviour looks the same; it's only when a pattern emerges - and its effects on other people, like you - that you can say "This is not a temporary cock-up, or a habit than can be fixed; it's a manner of being." Once you've accepted that, you're relieved of your sense of duty towards mending the relationship or blaming yourself.

Another way of looking at it would be in terms of compatibility. A very arsey person might, possibly, be able to find a partner whose own character is such that they enjoy it or accept it. But when you are the partner and your relationship makes you unhappy, you're incompatible. As sad as it can be, it's very simple really.

Since you have observed abusive patterns in his behaviour, it's safe to say it is his manner of being - and that breaking up normally might be dangerous. Your plan sounds a very good idea! If you can't currently "take charge" of your breakaway, ask a person you trust to do it with you.
Well done on realising how things are. It can be hard, I know.

cahemo Mon 29-Jul-13 12:25:27

I had a talk with him last night. My not earning money has made him like this, apparently, and I've brought it all on myself.

I feel guilty about not bringing in money; but I'm being 'pathetic' and should feel ashamed.

I just don't know what to do. Is it all my fault. How would a normal guy react? Please help

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 29-Jul-13 12:30:35

If you're frightened of him and his behaviour is getting worse, get away and get safe first, then you can describe it any way you like. As others have said, pushing and verbal abuse are violent acts and you would be entitled to call the police and have him removed.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 29-Jul-13 12:33:27

" My not earning money has made him like this, apparently, and I've brought it all on myself."

All abusive bullies say this kind of thing. 'If you were different, if you didn't do X, if you were a better person... I wouldn't have to treat you like this....' It's BULLSHIT

He would treat you like this regardless. It's not your fault he's an abusive bully. You are not 'pathetic'. Normal, decent human beings don't smack their partner around just because they aren't earning money.

Please get yourself safe.

cahemo Mon 29-Jul-13 12:42:17

OK, CogitoErgoSometimes, please bear with me while I ask you a question: if a normal guy has a wife in this position and it puts him under stress, how would he react?

After 3 years of not working (and getting a bit down about it), my DH was keen for me to go back to work. He said this pretty directly, and encouraged me...not once has he ever shouted at me or behaved in a threatening manner. I would say that was normal.

AnyFucker Germany Mon 29-Jul-13 12:49:18

I class my H as a "normal" guy

If he saw that I was too ill to work, was verging on agoraphobia, was mentally unwell and with self esteem on the floor and much of it was made much, much worse by his treatment of me he would consider he had failed miserably at supporting someone he was supposed to love and cherish

ChasedByBees Mon 29-Jul-13 12:49:22

I think my husband would encourage me and find jobs to apply for, or look at courses to retrain. He absolutely would never call me useless or shout at me about it. He would not blame his emotions on my employment status either.

ChasedByBees Mon 29-Jul-13 12:49:58

(By the way, looking for jobs or courses would be helpful suggestions, not demands).

Ezio Mon 29-Jul-13 12:51:22

A normal response would be, positivity, encourgement, helping with a CV and application forms, practising interview techniques, keeping an eye out for jobs, etc.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 29-Jul-13 12:54:25

Agreeing with others... 'normal' people might be stressed or disappointed or unhappy with any situation but they'd find ways to resolve it constructively rather than using it as a stick to beat you with.

Ezio Mon 29-Jul-13 12:57:10

When my now ex was unemployed, i was pregnant and struggling to work, i didnt get angry or shout, i encouraged him to apply for things, he eventually went for a job of 16 hours and got 37 hours instead, he still works for that company now and he got that job 6 years ago.

cahemo Mon 29-Jul-13 13:00:41

It's not just the fact that I'm not currently working, though, it's the other things he has done: even when I was working I found out he was texting other women; he even told one of them he had 'full balls' for her-this has stuck in my mind for ages.

I was being silly and over-reacting. I've had enough of him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 29-Jul-13 13:01:13

The difference between an abusive person and a normal person is MOTIVATION. An abusive person is motivated by hatred, contempt and the desire to control. They will use any minor problem (real or imagined) as an opportunity to blame, shout, criticise & belittle. They love problems because it gives them an excuse. They will deliberately create problems if there isn't one handy

A normal person might get angry or upset or stressed but they are not motivated by hate

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 29-Jul-13 13:03:09

"even when I was working I found out he was texting other women"

Do you see?... Hatred, contempt, control. Even if you were bringing home a thousand a week he'd still have been sexting other women and then blaming you for it...

Glad you've had enough.

cahemo Mon 29-Jul-13 13:05:27

Well that's the thing, at that point I was earning good money but still he did this. He has downplayed this just like he downplayed his behaviour the other day.

Ezio Mon 29-Jul-13 13:07:58

Cahemo, make a plan, fake it to make it until the plan goes into action, your depression will soon start to get better because he is probably causing it.

cahemo Mon 29-Jul-13 13:09:49

I've had years of this; it all started with him telling me what to do in a nice I-know-what's-best kind of way.

I actually despise him now; he greatly exaggerates everything; the other day we were socialising in a pub and there was a young guy there he was chatting with. A conversation came up about Catholic boarding schools -he quite clearly said that his mother -who attended such a place- had been beaten by the nuns.

A complete and utter lie. Nothing like that had happened to her; she'd been well-treated at the convent.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 29-Jul-13 13:10:12

That's his default setting. Bullies all follow similar thought processes.

"I'm right, you're wrong. I'll keep telling you you're wrong so that it knocks the spirit out of you and you stop asking questions. If you start cottoning on to the fact that you're not wrong and I'm a bit of a bastard, I'll blame you for making me that way."

AnyFucker Germany Mon 29-Jul-13 13:17:17

OP, hold onto that contempt for him

he is fully deserving of it

but make it motivate you to get away from him (safely)

cahemo Mon 29-Jul-13 13:18:58

Why lie about his mother. I mean just WHY lie about something like her getting beaten up at school?? He treats her like shit as well. Only contacts her once in a while, apparently, this is because he is ashamed of my not working.

AnyFucker Germany Mon 29-Jul-13 13:21:33

because he is an inadequate little shit who needs to big himself up by telling pointless lies and bolster his own well being by dragging others (you) down to his level

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 29-Jul-13 13:22:53

He lies about it because it makes him sound more interesting or because it invokes sympathy or because he's trying to get the listener to identify with him. In short, it's to manipulate the response. When you first met him did you find that if you said you were interested in something he'd suddenly done it before or was an expert? Lots of 'me too' going on? All to get you on side thinking 'wow, we have so much in common'.

cahemo Mon 29-Jul-13 13:23:13

AnyFucker I'm going to make a list of all the crummy things he has done and look at it in case I weaken.

Anniegetyourgun Mon 29-Jul-13 13:23:24

Thing is, you're a bit sensitive about not working, and financially dependent, so that's what he's having a go about. It's like bullies in the playground. Whatever they sense you might be sensitive about, they'll home in on. Hair colour, scar, wearing of glasses, height, early or late boob development, you name it, they'll press those buttons till they find one that hurts.

If you were in work, he'd be threatened by your success, or neglected because your attention was focussed away from him, or suspect you of cheating (the more a man is inclined to cheat himself, the more he is inclined to accuse his partner, as a rough rule of thumb!). I had one who went on and on about my weight - so I went on a diet, joined two exercise classes, got back into my pre-baby clothes, but he didn't like that because other men might find me attractive confused.

Believe me, you will get your confidence back by leaps and bounds when you are no longer being dragged down by that horrible man.

cahemo Mon 29-Jul-13 13:23:56

CogitoErgoSometimes God, that describes him to a tee!

AnyFucker Germany Mon 29-Jul-13 13:25:36

good plan, cahemo !

I bet that is a very long and depressing list...

cahemo Mon 29-Jul-13 13:28:51

Oh yes it is; I'd print this thread, too, but I don't want to risk him seeing anything -I'll probably double print it or something.

Thanks for the boost, ladies (and guys if any here). I'm off to make inventory list of my stuff, chuck more stuff out -the less junk to cart around the better.
Thanks all.

AnyFucker Germany Mon 29-Jul-13 13:29:48

delete your internet history too !

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now