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Waves is determined to keep winning now that Acrobat has arrived.

(989 Posts)
ProphetOfDoom Sun 28-Jul-13 12:24:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KalevalaForMePlease Sun 28-Jul-13 12:32:46

Congratulations waves! Have you been able to eat lots of nice things?

MinnieBar Sun 28-Jul-13 12:39:52

Yay! How is it going? What do your DCs think of him? Is your new lodger still being lovely?

And here is the "birth" story:

As is known from the previous thread, I had a very on/off latent phase. After going to hospital with regular but not painful contractions on Friday evening, I came home with my doula. I decided to let stbxh know, having decided that I didn't want to leave any "what ifs", and he came around to see me. He was very supportive, and practically helpful - he cleaned the kitchen whilst my doula was helping me through some more intense contractions, and helping me focus on the birth journey. He also was brilliant sorting out replacement performers for a gig I had arranged for Saturday lunchtime. (Acrobat completed ignore the schedule I had for his arrival....)

I had a warm bath which increased the frequency of contractions, then under my doula's advice I went to bed. She went for a sleep in DS's room, and stbxh also stayed, sleeping on the sofa. Overnight the contractions got more intense and frequent, and I was having to vocalise through them, and had more warm baths, and did lots of crawling round the garden. By 7am I thought we should probably think about returning to hospital. I also knew that my favourite midwife came on duty at 8am, and I wanted to "baggsy" him first blush

My doula phoned the ward to let them know we were on our way in, and that all 3 of us would be attending. So we went up for just after 8, with all the bags, music etc. I was so relieved that I was assigned the person I hoped. He could see that my contractions were very intense, but were somewhat erratic (common in 3rd labours apparently, and more so for me because the long term exhaustion from HG had reduced my energy levels so much, together with the long latent phase of labour) So, at 10am he did a stretch and sweep but was pleased i was already 4 - 5 cm dilated. That made the contractions very regular and intense for a while, through which I was standing, leaning on the bed and vocalising my way through each one, whilst focussing on whole body relaxation.

I took myself regularly to my tree, but found I was not there with a book, alone, but with acrobat, aged 4, playing with a toy glider smile

I was getting upset as the contractions were lessening in terms of intensity and frequency, so at 1.30pm my midwife did another sweep, and then, with the next contraction, artificially broke my waters (I was 8 - 9 cm by then) That triggered things well, and shortly after I got into the birthing pool.

Throughout all this, my doula was a wonderful presence, just reminding me to keep a loose jaw, so vocalise in a deep voice, and reassuring me that I was doing beautifully, whilst giving me amazing back rubs. Once in the pool things continued intensely, and then I got in a panic that I couldn't do it. Again, my doula reminded me that this was the Gate of Doubt that every labouring woman faces. I felt I needed pain relief, and decided to try gas and air. This helped considerably. I again started to worry about the pain, as it felt different, and when my midwife had a look, expecting to see the cervix still dilating, in fact it had "disappeared" and acrobat was starting to descend. He told me how to feel his head inside me which I did - it was very reassuring. I changed position from leaning on my knees against the side, to sitting back on the seat, and followed the guidance to listen to my body and push as necessary.

It didn't take very long before acrobat was crowning and with a HUGE push his head was out. The pushes before that were hard because he still hadn't decided which way to be born to throughout "the descent" his head was transverse. Once the head was out, I held it in my hands whilst waiting for the next strong contraction, with which my midwife guided his body out!

My PICC line was soaked by now, but that was not considered remotely important as it was not going to be used again. So, whilst I waited for the cord to stop pulsating, acrobat (now named Caspian) sat together in the lovely warm pool.

I had a natural third stage, once out of the pool, whilst Caspian was skin to skin (covered with my dad's jumper) and already latched on smile

It was really beautiful, and I am so proud of myself!

I had 2 sets of music - a playlist on my phone, and a CD which is of me playing and singing. It is very chilled, and it helped a lot keep the atmosphere relaxed. In fact, my midwife has asked for a copy as he loved it so much! So Acrobat arrived to the sound of his mummy playing and singing which is quite special.

Stbxh was great - calm and stayed back, but was there. No regrets.

Pollydon Sun 28-Jul-13 12:53:30

flowers

Skinidin Sun 28-Jul-13 12:56:53

Many, many congratulations ! smile

AgathaF Sun 28-Jul-13 13:00:11

Fantastic. I'm so pleased it worked out well for you. Congratulations.

x

auntpetunia Sun 28-Jul-13 13:07:49

Wow just wow you are amazing! Congratulations on Caspian's arrival. Am pleased that Twunt behaved and came through for you and didn't spoil the birth experience. Long may his decent behavior last.

Hope that you DD DS and Caspian are having a lovely relaxing day together x

wrathnurser Sun 28-Jul-13 13:08:38

Well done Waves! I'm so happy for you and very glad you have Caspian to cuddle smile

Jux Sun 28-Jul-13 13:08:39

Oh Waves, how utterly, utterly lovely. That is so beautiful. thanksthanksthanks

AndMiffyWentToSleep Sun 28-Jul-13 13:09:38

Fabulous birth story! flowers

BloomingRose Sun 28-Jul-13 13:11:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tightfortime Sun 28-Jul-13 13:24:30

Fantastic story, thank you for sharing and welcome to the world Acrobat Caspian!

I'm also glad he saw his son being born and did not cause any unnecessary grief or stress for you. Fair play for allowing him to be there after everything that has happened but you know, I guess you put that crap on hold for a few hours in the interests of the bigger picture.
I sincerely hope his behaviour stays calm.

Hope you are enjoying all sorts of lovely food x

HUGE congratulations, Waves thanks and very well done! You deserve to be proud of yourself, sounds like a wonderful experience and fantastic you got your favourite midwife.

And welcome to the world Caspian crown

Boosiehs Sun 28-Jul-13 13:46:10

Congratulations Waves!!! Wonderful wonderful birth story. smile. flowers

MysteriousHamster Sun 28-Jul-13 14:05:49

Many congrats Waves!

I have one question (actually two but connected): How are you feeling, nausea-wise, and are you hungry? :D

ChasedByBees Sun 28-Jul-13 14:11:41

Congratulations! What a lovely birth story.

Allalonenow Sun 28-Jul-13 14:17:22

Ah that's lovely waves so pleased for you that it all went well. Very many congratulations to you and Caspian, what a super name!
Hope you have had something delicious to eat today, and are enjoying resting and cuddles with Caspian.
thanks crown thanks

jayho Sun 28-Jul-13 14:20:15

de-lurking, and having a little cry.

Well done flowers

springytoto Sun 28-Jul-13 14:20:50
springytoto Sun 28-Jul-13 14:21:50

oh bum blush

(trying to be so helpful..)

Lweji Sun 28-Jul-13 14:22:51

Congratulations. flowers

chocolatesolveseverything Sun 28-Jul-13 14:22:58

So happy for you Waves. I read your birth story with a tear in my eye and I'm sure it wasn't JUST the pregnancy hormones! Caspian is a lucky boy indeed.

BerylStreep Sun 28-Jul-13 14:24:15

I'm so pleased for you - it sounds very calm.

I'm glad twunt stepped up for you.

On a side note, I have never heard of a male midwife before. Glad you got the one you wanted.

Enjoy those snuggles and forget the housework.

Does the HG subside immediately?

LucyTheValiant Sun 28-Jul-13 14:25:37

Oh Waves I'm so happy for you. Congratulations, you wonderful woman.

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots Sun 28-Jul-13 14:28:42

Fabulous birth story waves. Huge congratulations to you and your family. You really, truly are amazing. thanks

scarletforya Sun 28-Jul-13 14:29:33

ongratulations again and thank you for the lovely birth story, Ahem I seem to have something in my eye! <sniffle> flowers

WingDefence Sun 28-Jul-13 14:29:42

Congrats so much waves!! Really really happy for you thanks thanks

shiningcadence Sun 28-Jul-13 14:31:26

What a beautiful birth story. Thank you for sharing.

Again, congrats to you all flowers

MissStrawberry Sun 28-Jul-13 14:32:40

Oh my [sobs]

Forgive me as this will sound so sucky up but OMG Waves you have got to be the most amazing person I have ever "met." I am in awe of you for so many many reasons and just wish I was even a millionth of how graceful, calm, clever, thoughtful and just damn right brilliant you are I would be very proud.

You have come through a horrendous time and still had the strength to fight for the birth you wanted while allowing certain aspects to me not as you would have wanted. You rock, Waves!

I guessed 6pm ish and 8lb 3oz iirc on the other thread - do you have a weight and time now?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 28-Jul-13 14:34:42

Lovely that your doula and midwife were so fantastic and if it helped that ex turned up then I'm glad you were happy.

Caspian was worth the sickness! I hope you recover quickly and the four of you snuggle up for the time being, (bonus if new lodger is settling in and no bother!).

ponygirlcurtis Sun 28-Jul-13 14:36:23

Huge congrats to you and all your family, Waves, especially for little crown Prince Caspian. Lovely name, beautiful birth story. thanksthanksthanks

springytoto Sun 28-Jul-13 14:38:33

Cut to the chase, waves : what weight? and are you eating normally now?

Sorry to be bossy it saves time grin

What a fabulous birth story! Waves I am overjoyed it went well for you in the end and you are now enjoying the bliss of having lovely Caspian in your arms. Thank you God!

And WELL DONE YOU, of course smile flowers smile flowers

skyeskyeskye Sun 28-Jul-13 14:48:21

Congratulations thanks

SwedishHouseMat Sun 28-Jul-13 14:53:27

Congratulations on the birth of Casper! thanks

LiveItUp Sun 28-Jul-13 14:54:12

So pleased for you that it all happened as you wanted it to, and, yes, even being strong enough to ignore all our voices at keeping twunt well out the way we're so protective of you grin. You did what you wanted and had the birth you wanted, and it sounds like a really beautiful experience. Enjoy your much deserved snuggles.

Are you eating now???

newestbridearound Sun 28-Jul-13 15:14:24

Congratulations flowers I have read all your previous threads and although never posted before have been wishing you well and thinking of you. What a beautiful name as well smile

TheCrackFox Sun 28-Jul-13 15:25:11

Congratulations!x

McButtonwillow Sun 28-Jul-13 15:30:15

Congratulations waves so happy for you xx

HumphreyCobbler Sun 28-Jul-13 15:33:58

Congratulations - so, so delighted for you smile

Cuddlydragon Sun 28-Jul-13 15:37:06

Congratulations. Just thrilled for you and in total awe of your strength x

MissStrawberry Sun 28-Jul-13 15:38:43

I can't wait to hear all the lovely things you are looking forward to eating now you don't have the HG any more.

TiredFeet Sun 28-Jul-13 15:42:03

Well done Waves !! thank you for sharing your birth story, I am so happy for you, it sounds like a positive ending to your pregnancy/ beginning for Caspian, which is just what you deserved.

really hope the HG has vanished and you have been able to enjoy food?

hope your DC have enjoyed meeting each other!

wishing you a very happy future with your lovely little family flowers

Orianne Sun 28-Jul-13 15:43:44

Well done Waves and Congratulations xx

I will, as requested, cut to the chase:

Acrobat/Caspian was born on 27 July at 17.07 and weighed 7lb 3 (7 is my lucky number so he did jolly well to get all those 7s in his arrival)

He is being wonderful, has taken to breastfeeding like a pro and is amazingly chilled out.

He is in my arms at the moment, wrapped up in the love of MN in his very special blanket smile

I am nervous of eating blush but have had 2 bits of toast with strawberry jam today, and 3 cups of tea and NO SICKNESS. I am going to have a proper meal this evening, although one that is easy to cook, so asking a friend to go to the supermarket for me. I am just a bit too tired to try that. (The community midwife visited earlier and told me off as I was in the middle of vacuuming the lounge when she arrived) I'm a bit under my pre-pregnancy weight already, and apparently there is usually more to lose naturally over the next few weeks? Hopefully though my appetite will come flying back.

I am glad that I had twunt there at the birth. He was genuinely supportive in a quiet way, both at home and at the hospital. He kept saying how proud he was of me, and was amazed by the process. It was a gift to him and to my son, and I am pleased I took that decision. (No midwives to flirt with - my midwife was male) He also didn't ask to hold acrobat, I had to encourage him in fact, but he was pleased to do so. He left shortly after so I had time to be with Acrobat by myself.

I'm a bit tired!

Oh, and he was born at 39 + 4 weeks smile

elQuintoConyo Sun 28-Jul-13 16:01:05

Many congratulations and thanks for sharing the birth story thanks

muddybloodypuddles Sun 28-Jul-13 16:04:08

Congratulations waves - amazing smile - enjoy Caspian flowers

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots Sun 28-Jul-13 16:18:53

Waves I think it's pretty normal to feel that way about eating after all you have been through. I was no where near as bad as you but didn't feel right until about 3 weeks after I had my DD. I was a bit gutted as I'd been dreaming of a big fry up breakfast when I got home but when faced with it, I couldn't eat it. Just take it slow and you'll get back to normal soon enough. thanks

VeryTattyMum Sun 28-Jul-13 16:22:07

Gorgeous gorgeous Acrobat and very clever Mummy Waves - now ignore the housework and eat and rest!!!!

WinnieFosterTether Sun 28-Jul-13 16:28:14

Congratulations Waves and welcome to Caspian! flowers

Also, I have put photos of him up on my profile photos smile

Awww he is gorgeous Waves as are your ds1 and dd smile

pointythings Sun 28-Jul-13 16:35:45

waves he is just gorgeous! Congratulations, and here's hoping your appetite comes back and you can start enjoying food - and life!

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots Sun 28-Jul-13 16:38:28

Aw he's adorable, he looks so cute. Again, well done and congratulations waves. smile

springytoto Sun 28-Jul-13 16:39:04

oh look at him! He is utterly GORGEOUS shock [swoon]

Waves, he is perfect smile smile

Thank you so much for putting up those photos for us.

I adore his name, too - nothing to do with Prince Caspian, I assume; of Narnia fame wink

I'm being a bit OTT here, just thrilled you're ok and to see a pic of your lovely new son. HOw are your other two getting on with their new baby brother? I hope they're thrilled.

Go steady with the food - I should imagine a fry-up would be a disaster after all those months of starvation. I'm sure your appetite will come back in good time, gradually gearing up until your stomach can take it.

Well done waves. Very proud of you.

scarletforya Sun 28-Jul-13 16:40:14

He's a dote! Very gorgeous baby, lovely features! Well done!

MissStrawberry Sun 28-Jul-13 16:42:39

Go me. Go me!

Only 53 minutes and 1lb put!! grin

"I'm a bit tired." Only Waves could say that!!

Little and often may be the way to go with the eating.

I love making baby cards. If you'd like one from a stranger PM me your details. If you're not fussed, don't grin.

Apileofballyhoo Sun 28-Jul-13 16:42:43

I've read your whole story. Delighted for you and well done.

MissStrawberry Sun 28-Jul-13 16:44:23

OMG Caspian is the cutest baby I have seen this week, in a long time really, and I have looked at a lot of photos of Baby George!!

BTW you need to change your details you're a mummy of 3 now grin.

MissStrawberry Sun 28-Jul-13 16:45:04

out! not put fgs.

MissStrawberry Sun 28-Jul-13 16:45:43

I have boy girl boy and it is lovely smile.

TiredFeet Sun 28-Jul-13 16:52:30

beautiful photos!!! lucky you!!

can understand your nervousness around eating, makes sense to ease yourself in gently. a friend recommended to me just trying tiny bits of things to begin with (as my sickness ended but aversions remained) and this really helped me slowly expand my diet

understand your decision to have Caspian's dad at the birth and I am really pleased for you that he behaved well

oldwomaninashoe Sun 28-Jul-13 16:59:09

Congratulations on the birth of your extremely beautiful son Waves, well done you!
Enjoy your evening meal!

MinnieBar Sun 28-Jul-13 17:00:45

What a wee smasher! And 7lb sounds like an excellent weight - shows what all those people who told you he would be underweight knows, doesn't it?!

So so lovely to see him in one of the blankets as well!

nemno Sun 28-Jul-13 17:04:25

What an adorable baby. Well done Waves.

Congratulations waves, what a lovely birth story! smile

shiningcadence Sun 28-Jul-13 17:18:42

Wow he is just adorable smile

auntpetunia Sun 28-Jul-13 17:28:29

He is gorgeous! And I love the colours in the MN blanket. Enjoy your food x

Ezio Sun 28-Jul-13 17:43:09

Oh waves, hes beautiful, a right little prince, he suits his name, i have tears in my eyes, thinking about what you went through to get him here safely.

Waves, be so proud of yourself and how far you've come during a terrible pregnancy, im so proud of you.

Give him a kiss from me and all his other MN's aunties and enjoy some proper food xxxx

MissStrawberry Sun 28-Jul-13 17:53:49

I've always wanted to be an Auntie....

pinkbraces Sun 28-Jul-13 17:54:25

He is just so gorgeous, well done Waves and Caspian. xx

AgathaF Sun 28-Jul-13 18:00:30

Oh, he is just beautiful.

Hope you manage to eat something for dinner this evening.

BIWI Sun 28-Jul-13 18:06:53

Oh my goodness. I'd read the beginning of your very first thread, and then somehow managed to miss the rest of it and all subsequent ones. I've spent the last hour or so catching up, and I would just like to take my hat off to you to say what an amazing woman you are.

And many, many congratulations on the birth of Caspian (lovely name!) he is absolutely gorgeous.

flowers

BBMs Sun 28-Jul-13 18:22:11

I have just seen the pictures. Caspian is absolutely gorgeous!! smile

mistlethrush Sun 28-Jul-13 18:25:36

He's gorgeous! I hope you have a lovely supper this evening, even if you are a bit tentative with it! grin

YoungBritishPissArtist Sun 28-Jul-13 18:40:47

Congratulations, Waves! What a gorgeous boy, love his name too smile

Hope your eating gets back to normal asap. Eat small, regular meals to begin with and let your stomach get used to food again.

FoofFighter Sun 28-Jul-13 18:48:28

he's a beautiful boy Waves smile hope you enjoy your dinner xx

anonacfr Sun 28-Jul-13 19:26:03

Another de lurker who's read all your threads in awe... Gorgeous name, gorgeous little boy. You rule!

Beautiful, beautiful boy smile

lazarusb Sun 28-Jul-13 19:30:37

Congratulations Waves. I've heard a lot about you on other threads and just wanted to add my good wishes flowers

Lovethesea Sun 28-Jul-13 20:09:39

Congratulations Waves! Incredible end to that chapter of your story. Here's to the next one!

Welcome Caspian, hope you get your own Dawntreader when you get older.

Must be amazing to have the nausea receeding, I'm sure it'll take a while to feel normal again but you have been so strong to get through.

PyroclasticFlo Sun 28-Jul-13 20:34:24

Just found the new thread Waves and am so overwhelmed at your birth story. You've done amazingly. And I salute your decision to let stbxh be part of it - a tough call and one that not many people could do in your position, but definitely a mark of you being the bigger, better person. Hats off to you m'dear.

Absolutely chuffed to bits for you - and your beautiful crown Prince Caspian (I loved the Narnia books too!) is just so, so gorgeous. A truly beautiful boy.

Well done you, you fabulous lady. flowers

<sniffles a bit, quite overcome>

McButtonwillow Sun 28-Jul-13 20:47:43

He's absolutely gorgeous xx

I managed some tea - really basic, a bit of breaded fish, some new potatoes and peas. With a milk shake too. I know how important it is to get calories and fluids in to aid with milk supply, so there is a very good motivation for doing my best.

I am actually exhausted now and going to bed with my gorgeous newest son shortly. I decided that it would be good spirited to let twunt bring his sons to meet their baby brother today, and they ended up staying for 2 hours. I even helped them make footprints of his feet as a keepsake. Then a couple of hours later he came back with his mum and sister who stayed about 2.5 hours. At least it is all done now, and there can be no hard feelings anywhere.

I cleaned the lounge, and did a couple of loads of washing, but just made cheese on toast for the DCs tea. I probably will do less tomorrow, just stay in my pyjamas until lunchtime.

My blissful moment was having a proper bath. No PICC line so I could properly soak, and give my left arm a really good scrub - it has been under dressings for 3 and a half months!

Thank you for all your lovely messages flowers It is so heartwarming for me.

Ezio Sun 28-Jul-13 20:54:07

Im glad you've eaten and had a good soak, you deserve it after it all.

Im pleased that tension hasnt marred little Prince Caspians first precious days on this earth x

SwedishHouseMat Sun 28-Jul-13 20:55:51

I have to say Waves - I think you are a bloody saint to have all those visitors!

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots Sun 28-Jul-13 21:01:59

I second that Swedish! But at least it's all over and done with and you can just rest now. Enjoy your sleep waves.

vole3 Sun 28-Jul-13 21:02:34

Fennel tea is good for milk supply and digestion. Oats ate also good for milk, least that's the reason I used to justify my hobnob habit smile

minkembernard Sun 28-Jul-13 21:11:26

yay..crying at your birth story.
so relieved for you although probably not nearly as relieved as you!

dark chocolate is good for all kinds of things. or slopes i tell myself and my sis says so. she is a doctor so it must be true.

MissStrawberry Sun 28-Jul-13 21:28:27

Yes yes

I am sure it is the law to eat chocolate daily after giving birth.

Forever winkgrin.

Tamdin Sun 28-Jul-13 21:34:20

Delurking to say huge congratulations! You've been so strong. Hope you and the DC are all well and supported. Take care smile

SwedishHouseMat Sun 28-Jul-13 21:51:59

It's definitely the law that you have to eat lots of chocolate and more chocolate hourly after giving birth. grin

MoreThanWords Sun 28-Jul-13 21:59:05

Congratulations and total respect for what you have achieved waves .

Caspian is a truly gorgeous baby smile

Stopsittingonyoursister Sun 28-Jul-13 22:13:29

Caspian is gorgeous, Waves, congratulations on his safe arrival. Your birth story is wonderful xx

nowwhat Sun 28-Jul-13 22:27:16

I have read all of your threads today, another one in a long line of people in awe of you and all you have coped with.

Congratulations on the birth of little Caspian, your photos are beautiful and I wish you a lifetime of happiness with him x

Jux Sun 28-Jul-13 22:36:19

Yes, dark chocolate - the more cocoa solids the better, 70%+ - is good for you. It was on tv the other night. Can't quite remember why though blush and nor can dh, but it is anyway.

So Waves, you poor old thing, you have to eat chocolate now. Aw shucks. grin

And don't go around hoovering and stuff. When people visit, you have to cuddle your little Caspian looking serene, while they run around making drinks, washing up, cleaning the bathroom and so on.

Congratulations waves. You my love, are amazing. I have never been quite so proud of a person I have never met. You have shown such quiet grace during the last few months and after all that has happened you had the courage and kindness to share your birth experience with your STBX and opened your home to his family.

I'm so glad for you that at least in this one thing he proved worthy.

Your beautiful boy is just scrumptious, you deserve every second of the joy he will bring you. DH and I have wished so many times that we could get to you, if you ever end up in north east Scotland shout up!

minkembernard Sun 28-Jul-13 22:50:41

jux iron and it keeps you regular...so more fun than iron tablets. that and apricots. and I think zinc. plus it helps alleviate coughing fits...so in fact it is good for everything and should always be taken for medicinal purposes of course!

CurlyFox Sun 28-Jul-13 22:56:13

Congratulations Waves he is gorgeous and I love the name Caspian

eccentrica Sun 28-Jul-13 23:15:01

I haven't posted before but have been following your threads.

HUGE congratulations on the birth of your beautiful son. I wish you a wonderful and happy life together.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Sun 28-Jul-13 23:22:05

Hi waves. So very proud of you! I'm on IPad and can't see your gorgeous baby. Will have to wait until home.

Take it easy, just a little bit. And so glad twunt has been helpful in his way. Too little too late though. hmm

thanksthanksthanksthanksthanksbrewbrewbrewbrewbrew Some healthy soup & bread to ease you back to eating

Wuldric Sun 28-Jul-13 23:25:19

How lovely smile

Congratulations

Thank you for sharing this with us, Waves

saffronwblue Sun 28-Jul-13 23:52:16

Waves this is just lovely. I am so pleased that your STBXH was respectful and supportive. Hope you are getting lots of rest and as much food as you can handle.

Jux Mon 29-Jul-13 00:03:00

Jax, hope you don't mind. I've sent you a pm saying how I see profiles on iPad.

Jux Mon 29-Jul-13 00:04:14

(and just realised you're probably using the app. It's one reason why I MN via Safari.)

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Mon 29-Jul-13 02:43:26

Waves I am so delighted for you. Perfect natural birth! Perfect son! No sickness! Graciousness and diplomacy to the ex and relations! Every bit of this thread is making me beam. Especially the photos.

HUGE congratulations, and do stay around and let us know how you get on.

KalevalaForMePlease Mon 29-Jul-13 03:18:55

Jux, could you pm me too please? I use the app but also when I'm on mumsnet on safari I can't see profiles. Thanks!

KiwiJude Mon 29-Jul-13 03:55:35

Caspian is gorgeous waves. You've done so well the whole way through, this probably sounds quite dumb but I feel so proud of you! smile I do so hope you are able to eat and keep the food down, enjoy it and get goodness for you and Caspian from it.

As an aside, one of clinic managers we had here (I work at a fertility clinic) was a male midwife.

Awwww Waves HUGE congratulations my lovely.

Welcome to the world Caspian, a beautiful name for a beautiful boy.

Back online after an unscheduled absence, wide awake when I should be sleeping but couldn't wait to check in! So glad to hear of Acrobat Caspian's safe arrival, yours is the most amazing birth story, the weekend thread is wonderful, you are one amazing woman, and that is the loveliest blanket I have ever seen. <sniff> <wipes away tears>

When all good breakfast intentions fly out the window, you can always keep your strength up with brew brew and a hobnob or two grin!!

JaxTellerIsAllMine Mon 29-Jul-13 08:53:35

Morning. Daily brewbrewbrewbrewwinewinewinewinewinethanksthanksthanksthanks

Thanks jux. I'm on app. Might try with dh laptop when he's done!

Hope you slept we'll waves.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Mon 29-Jul-13 09:12:17

Ive borrowed DH mac to have a quick look - I couldnt wait! OMG that is one of the most stunning babies I have met in a while! He looks like a healthy bubba waves

Congratulations again, so happy for you.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 29-Jul-13 09:18:58

Keeping down food again must feel strange but now you can take in nourishment for yourself and Caspian.

4 hours of visitors! My goodness that was generous of you. Lovely for them to meet Caspian. (4.5 hrs -what were they thinking!).

How are DS1 and DD?

Allalonenow Mon 29-Jul-13 09:39:31

What a beautiful boy Caspin is waves!!

Hope you got some rest through the night, and that you plan some calm days, for goodness sake forget the hoovering!

It's bound to be strange getting back to eating properly again, school room food like cottage pie and rice pudding might help, and all your favourites to tempt you of course. Oh! did I mention how good chocolate was for you, a complete food group in its own right.

Have a wonderful day waves.

Allalonenow Mon 29-Jul-13 10:00:59

Caspian ~ my iPad altered that, I must feed it loads of Narnia vocab later!

ClairesTravellingCircus Mon 29-Jul-13 10:08:35

Hello waves, I've already writren on the ither thread but here gies again: congratulations on Caspian's birth, he is abdolutely adorable!
His birth sounds like an amazing experidncd for you, so glad it all went well.
Enjoy your foodgrin

MissStrawberry Mon 29-Jul-13 10:12:02

Definitely state a leaving time when people ring to ask if they can visit. 2 hours then 2 1/2 is ridiculous and not thoughtful at all.

FreckledLeopard Mon 29-Jul-13 10:45:05

I've lurked through your other threads but wanted to pop up and say congratulations! Caspian is a beautiful name!

I'm so impressed by how amazingly strong you are and everything you've been through. flowers

Songbird Mon 29-Jul-13 10:46:49

sniff This is beautiful. You're beautiful. Caspian is beautiful. His mumsnet blanket is beautiful. His big brother and sister are beautiful......etc.......

ProphetOfDoom Mon 29-Jul-13 11:09:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgathaF Mon 29-Jul-13 12:45:27

It was very good of you to allow them to stay for so long (and very selfish of STBEx). I hope you're having a restful day today, with some good food and lots of lovely baby cuddles.

themidwife Mon 29-Jul-13 14:17:48

Only just found this thread numpty but sending so many congrats to you & your lovely DCs to welcome Caspian home. You did brilliantly & have been super generous to twunt & his family. You are my hero! thanksthanks

themidwife Mon 29-Jul-13 14:21:49

AND HE IS BEAUTIFUL!!!

Thanks for the baby adoration and ongoing support smile

Strangely enough I have had another busy day and tomorrow looks even busier. Yawn. Have been up since 4 with caspian and was hanging washing out at 5.30am. He loves cuddles and to be honest after hanging out a load with him in one arm I decided to figure out how to use the moby wrap. It is marvellous, and doing things like the dishes is so much easier.

I'm definitely going to take it easier regarding visitors as yesterday was too much. I don't think twunt really appreciates it to be honest. Ill not have his family round for a while now as it was ever so draining. Anyway, not a word from him re maintenance, so I will have to tackle that at some stage too.

I've had some cards already (from his mum and sister, my mum and my DCs, from a neighbour and my family support worker). He hasn't sent anything which is a little disappointing, especially as he actually does know what it took from my perspective to bring caspian into the world.

Anyway, my focus is now on my beautiful baby and other DCs who have missed having their fun and happy mum for so long. After caspian's various medical check up appointments tomorrow morning I am taking them to the park. Busy day ahead so fingers crossed I manage a bit more sleep tonight

springytoto Mon 29-Jul-13 14:32:27

Strangely enough I have had another busy day

yes, VERY strange! What's come over you, waves ! grin wink

themidwife Mon 29-Jul-13 14:35:47

Glad you're coping so well honey. I predict some brain fuckery coming your way from twunt I'm afraid. How he's been thinking. How he will consider giving things another go if you do x, y, z for him. I know I could be wrong but can't help suspecting it. I wish you could have a little protective bubble around you and Caspian & your older DCs to protect you all from any such twuntery.

I'm afraid I agree with themidwife, but you sound strong and happy now Waves, so hopefully will be able to give him short shrift if that happens. It is a special, but also vulnerable time after giving birth and I would hate him to take advantage of that. Hopefully your enormous love for caspian and your other dcs is filling you up and making you less needy of 'love' from cruel Twunt.

kasbah72 Mon 29-Jul-13 15:10:14

What an amazing birth story and such a gorgeous little man! Congratulations again and I am in awe of your sheer bravery, calm and getting-on-with-it-regardless-of-what-crap-is-thrown-at-me attitude.
I hope you get some rest.

AgathaF Mon 29-Jul-13 15:42:51

Try to get some rest as well as being busy waves. The last thing you need is new baby exhaustion compounded by being physically low from the HG, and a dose of dive-bombing hormones too.

Thumbwitch Mon 29-Jul-13 15:46:52

Awww Waves - so pleased for you and he's utterly delightful. Thank you for posting a pic of him wrapped in his MN blanket as well, it looks fantastic on him!

I am happy for you that Twunt behaved himself with decency around your delivery, and that his family have met Acrobat/Caspian - but I also agree with themidwife that it's likely he will descend into Twuntishness very soon. Please stay focused on the people in your life who really matter - your children - and remember that any overtures he makes to you are only in his own self-interest, not in yours or Acrobat/Caspian's.

So glad you can eat again! Such a relief - hope you get your strength back really quickly now.

How has your Mum been about it all?

MissStrawberry Mon 29-Jul-13 16:17:10

I am so enjoying hearing all about Caspian's adventures. His future wife will be very happy you started training him to do jobs at a very young age grin.

DPotter Mon 29-Jul-13 16:18:11

Congratulations on a baby brother for your lovely DS & DD - great photos !
You are truly an inspiration to us mere mortals ! Please look after yourself - sounds like you'll need to fatten up a bit.

Ezio Mon 29-Jul-13 16:19:22

i also suspect some Twunt-fuckery, if he says what midwife says, then the response is:

"Nah, im alright thanks"

Because waves, you are alright, and if twunt is starting to see his fuck up then my suggestion to him is "Take your wife as you married her, or leave her alone".

Because the only one who needs to change his shitty attitude, if he did he might actually have a happy life.

wordyBird Mon 29-Jul-13 17:11:38

Glad to hear you're both doing well. Your baby is such a sweetheart smile

LucyTheValiant Mon 29-Jul-13 17:59:23

Yes, do make sure you rest Waves!

So glad you're doing so well smile

PeoniesPlease Mon 29-Jul-13 20:32:29

Congratulations waves!

What a lovely little pudding Caspian is. I hope you enjoy your well-deserved cuddles and tucking in to some delicious food now!

MissStrawberry Mon 29-Jul-13 21:51:58

I hope all is okay with you Waves.

and twunt hasn't caused problems making it so you can't chat to us.

I know babies keep you busy btw.

He is beautiful isn't he. And I have a framed photo of DS aged 1 week and they could be one and the same smile

I'm exhausted, and feeling a bit worried now. I was feeding Caspian a while ago, and DS and DD had a row upstairs, and I couldn't intervene, and they both ended up in tears. It's hard work doing this alone. I just realised I hadn't eaten since lunchtime since TB (mum) popped round. She adores little Caspian, and saw him on Sunday morning first thing, again later on Sunday, and then this morning. Just for a few minutes each time, but she is clearly happy. She is off to hospital for 3 days tomorrow and I hope it all goes ok, that they find out what is wrong, and a treatment plan can be put in place.

I don't think twunt is going to try much on. He has been a bit weird - immediately after Caspian was born he was straight away on his phone, and when he brought his boys and later his mum and sister round, he was just on the phone again. No interaction at all. He has signed the birth registration form (father has to do it over here) so I can take that in tomorrow and make Acrobat official.

It's hard to take it easy when you share facilities with lodgers. I have to keep on top of tidiness in communal areas etc. And no real relaxing possible! My new girl lodger is a sweetheart though. She had a delivery of free little gifts at work and brought a couple home for DS1 and DD, and gave those to them on Saturday night, and today she left a card for me, and some clothes for Caspian - she remembered me saying I had very few first size clothes, and that he had long nails, so bought him some first size vests and scratch mits.

I think the "baby blues" may be just kicking in. It is really hard work doing this alone! Caspian discovered feeding properly early this morning, and DS1 and DD are being a bit more demanding too. A lovely friend called round with fennel tea for me, and chocolate, and lots of pink roses and white sweet williams for me to enjoy. (She and her husband are the ones who brought us home from hospital). She said that she will do anything she can to help, as I did so much to help her children when I used to teach them and took them further than any other music teacher would have done. It made me a bit welled up to be honest - she is a lovely, inspirational woman, and I am so delighted that she feels I made a difference to her boys' lives.

I ache, and am hoping for a good sleep.....sorry for the rambly post but I am tired

Xales Mon 29-Jul-13 21:55:38

Congratulations!

BTW you need to update the number of children on your profile when you stop being so busy grin

pointythings Mon 29-Jul-13 22:06:00

It sounds like you have some good RL support, waves - use them! It's really hard with a new baby and two DCs at home for the school holidays, no wonder you feel you have no time. New lodger sounds fab, you've done well there.

I think your DCs are old enough to be talked to about Caspian's need to feed - if they complain that he needs frequent feeding, show them this to illustrate the point about how tiny his stomach is - I'm sure they'll get it.

And of course get them involved with bath time, making funny noises at him to entertain him, helping with nappy changes and so on.

I hope your mother has a speedy recovery - not so much for her as for you.

I want to cry. Twunt left his fb account open on my phone and I just found out exactly what he has been saying....and the women he is flirting with....and the lies, despite his letter and subsequent statements about loving me. I am an evil nut job apparently sad

Sat here with Caspian feeding (ouch to after pains and sore nipples) and feeling so confused and angry and sad.

WingDefence Mon 29-Jul-13 22:46:45

You are NOT an evil nutjob. You are an amazing mother of three gorgeous children and nothing will ever take that away from you. You are a beautiful woman. You are a talented musican. You are not evil nor a nutjob.

He is lying to other women to justify his treatment of you. You are a wonderful woman and we all are here with you and holding your hand through this. xxx

he left it open on my laptop, not phone. Stupid teary typing....

minkembernard Mon 29-Jul-13 22:49:26

(((waves))) he is an enormous FW of the highest order of twuntage. angry he doies not believe a word of it. he is just saying whatever he thinks will get her onside because of course he cannot say i fucked over a totally amazing awesome woman who is far better than an arsehole like me could ever hope to deserve and not only that I did it while she was very ill from being pregnant with my child. who is beautiful and whom i also do not deserve btw.

well he could and it would be true but it wouldn't get him very far.

better of without him waves. it is horrible. he is an idiot. and you and your dcs deserve the very very best.

MrsFrederickWentworth Mon 29-Jul-13 22:54:04

Well done, lovely birth, lovely name, lovely baby.

Ezio Mon 29-Jul-13 22:54:15

Waves, you a beautiful, kind, loving woman, you've been abused, had a terrible pregnancy, dealt with horrid people, and you got that handsome little boy into this world.

You allowed twunt to be there, he sons and his family to see Caspian, that is not a nutjob nor evil, that is a kind, accepting woman who sees beyond what she wants.

Now im a stranger on the internet, who cried with pride at how well you've done, i speak for everyone who is so proud of you.

He is nothing but a miserable waste of space who has to lie to get sympathy from women, because he wouldnt get any without it, because hes boring, abusive, disinterest, stupid, and a waste of space.

So when your looking at Caspian and your other 2, look at them a think "Its hard, but im alright". Because you will be, Twunt is a loser, who had a great thing and lost it, well more fool him.

Allalonenow Mon 29-Jul-13 23:06:14

Ooh sweetie, I am so sad for you that you are having to deal with this at a time which should be blissfully happy for you.
He is trying to make sure that her knickers stay around her ankles, and so he is saying anything to keep her sweet.

None of what he says about you is true or real or honest. But it tells you yet again what a lying selfish bastard he is, and how he will twist anything to his own advantage.

BloomingRose Mon 29-Jul-13 23:09:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots Mon 29-Jul-13 23:14:30

waves, I second ezio. Anyone who falls for 'the ex is an evil nut job' line is on a hiding to nothing as far as any relationship goes. You know that isn't true. You have been kind, generous and dignity personified as far as the twunt is concerned and this is how he describes you to a total stranger. You know the depths of fuckwittery he will descend to, and this is just the latest in the many cruel things he's done.

You are simply the most amazing person and mother, and he never deserved the kindness, love and care you have given him. You are a special person and your 3 DC are so lucky to have someone as strong as you to be their for them. Please don't let that nasty lie bring you down. Speak to your midwife/HV and get support if you feel you are sinking into the baby blues etc. Thats just normal but you need a bit more support to try and avoid sinking lower than that. Don't hesitate to ask all those in place to support you, when dealing with this stuff.

Just enjoy that gorgeous little bundle and don't let that arsewipe taint this special time for you. You are the strongest person I've come across on MN and you can get through this. Just ask those waiting on the sideline for the help you need.

Take care x

Ezio Mon 29-Jul-13 23:15:27

Rose, infact i'd call that a massive red flag, if right off the bat a man could his ex a bitch to me, my ex said horrid things about me.

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots Mon 29-Jul-13 23:18:56

Agreed ezio. It'll be waving frantically when it becomes apparent just how close to him having become a father he's been saying this crap.

BloomingRose Mon 29-Jul-13 23:19:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

springytotty Mon 29-Jul-13 23:19:44

I'm so sorry (( waves )). The timing of it, well... sad

One foot in front of the other dear woman. You are a survivor and you will get through this pain. He doesn't deserve as much as your smallest fingernail but I know that is no consolation now. He hurts you again and again, try to step away. Hunker down and have that lovely time with your new miracle, even though your heart is sore. The kids bickering upstairs - I sometimes think kids need to be left on their own to get on with it sometimes. They sorted it out without your intervention - maybe it's a good thing for all of you.

Keep posting. You have a lot of love and support on here. Sounds like you have some lovely rl support too - your lodger sounds kind and caring, and your friends have been so caring and thoughtful. Which is what you need now, not cruelty.

thinking of you dear waves xxxx

Shit. He had to change the bed sheets twice apparently. Read a message conversation with his mate. So he has definitely been screwing around.

I am shaking.......

And in tears, and my lovely little boy is sleeping which is what I should be doing.

I don't want this to be my life any more.

BloomingRose Mon 29-Jul-13 23:29:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 29-Jul-13 23:29:25

Caspian will take after you lovely waves and inherit your decency and moral compass. Forget those ugly words - what does that make him then? Very sorry ex punctured your balloon - try not to get distressed over the sperm donor. For more than 24 hours it was a truce while it lasted but Epic Waste of Space as he is, he couldn't keep up the pretence. Hormones awash it is instinct to keep the bio dad onside and you were generous enough to welcome him and his tribe.

Now focus on yourself and your lovely DCs. Give yourself a pat on the back for such a wonderful birth and don't fret, DS1 and DD are just finding their feet with a new baby in the home.

And he is off out with his mate tomorrow night to "wet the baby's head with beers and fanny". God I feel sick.

Why the fuck did I open my home to him and his family? Why did I let him be there during everything?

BloomingRose Mon 29-Jul-13 23:36:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jux Mon 29-Jul-13 23:37:01

Oh waves. What a horrid horrid man he is. My frie.d's ex said similar to her when they were still together. And that all her friends hated her, which was soooo obviously untrue. Even so, he got her so twisted up that she had to ask. Twunt will say anything to get what he wants now , and he wants tto get his end away..... Ido hope that woman sees right through him.

As for you, you are kind, tolerant, forgiving, massivelytalented, generous, oh I could go on, but your head wouln't get through doorways if I did!

You enhance life. That is so rare. Brightening up the world. Making it a better place just because you're in it. That's you, Waves, that's you.

Ezio Mon 29-Jul-13 23:37:13

Waves, because our a damn sight better than him, atleast you can hold your head up high and say, i did it for my son.

He cant say the same.

youarewinning Mon 29-Jul-13 23:45:11

waves I have just read your story from beginning to end. My good god gawd woman - you need a fucking medal. thanks

Your newborn DS is beautiful as are your DS1 and DD.

and remember - you feel like you can't do this - but you've already proved you can.

Am I right in thinking your not in the UK?

I printed off the pertinent bits of conversations....and texted him. He has now logged out of fb. Apparently he got with me because I am a skinny tattooed hippy who earned £20k a year more than him, owned my own house and my kids' dad isn't on the scene so "no grief" there.

Marvellous. At least I actually know the truth now. I'm not mainland UK, no. Not for now at least. Thinking a fresh start is seriously in order. And maybe a break with the kids during the holidays. Not remotely inclined to sleep now, so may have a look at flights and see if I can't get the 4 of us away for a bit.

And you are all now (according to twunt) promoted from "vipers" to "cunt snakes"

What a twat. He has just witnessed me giving birth ffs, with no pain relief, then opening my home to his children, mum and sister, for far longer than is reasonable on the DAY after giving birth, and he can carry on like this. Caspian was less than 24 hours old for goodness sake.

Allalonenow Tue 30-Jul-13 00:04:20

waves Please don't let this utter wanker spoil these first few precious days you share with Caspian. Push this selfish manchild to the very back of your mind.
Focus on baby Caspian, on yourself, on your beautiful older children. Together the four of you will be an awesome family unit.

You are vulnerable now, because you have been ill for so long, and now your hormones are dancing a jig; rest, eat, stay calm, listen to music.

CurlyFox Tue 30-Jul-13 00:08:33

Waves you have been through so much in the past few months, please don't let Twunt get to you. You are such a special person if he can't see what you have just been through to bring his son into the world then he is
an idiot.

All your cuntsnake mumsnetters are here for you. I doubt Twunt will ever have the support you do. Holiday sounds like
a good idea. It's time for you and your Dc's now.

Allalonenow Tue 30-Jul-13 00:08:54

I quite like being a cunt snake, as I always thought being a viper was a bit mild mannered.

Apileofballyhoo Tue 30-Jul-13 00:15:40

Oh waves. You need to protect your heart. I'm so sorry. I can only say it's better to find out now rather than have wasted a longer part of your life on this guy.

Ezio Tue 30-Jul-13 00:19:56

Well we might be "Cunt snakes" but "Cunt snakes" with hearts.

And he hates us because we all think hes a low life, scumbag, shitface and arse, with all the compassion and love in his heart as an evil dictator who whines about what hes entitled to but wont get because he ultimately is a complete loser and no one likes him apart from other tossers.

tightfortime Tue 30-Jul-13 00:41:51

Well I'm proud to be a cuntsnake. Proud to be a virtual viper, Caspian auntie who can't go to bed without checking in.

Fuck him and his beer and his fanny.

Always remember that you were the bigger person who allowed him to be part of a miracle. Hold your hormonal post delivery head high girl because you are a star, an inspiration and a wonderful mother who can and will do this brilliantly without him.

And good riddance. Box him and his twuntish ways up and bury them. You don't need him...you need friends and family and a good cry.

I'm raging for you and pitying him and what he has lost through his own selfish entitled asshole behaviour.

It will get easier and better. Allow yourself moments of doubt, you are human and have been through so very much in a short time.

Then sling that baby close, cuddle those gorgeous kids of yours and hang out the washing.

Much love x

It all sucks a bit really. Caspian is also on a feeding frenzy, as I think my milk has come in. So I have the joy of no sleep, cracked nipples, after pains, lochia, 2 other DCs to look after, appointments tomorrow, and I started off feeling so positive this evening. I even had a small glass of wine to try to celebrate my gorgeous son's arrival. And then I discover all of this.

I said to twunt that he could come round to spend some time with us now Caspian is here, and he gave excuses why not....and actually it's because he wants to get his end away (or off?, I don't know the phrase)

And he kept saying he loved me. I need to stop wondering why. I KNOW that I was shitty to be around after I got pregnant, but I also know that pregnancy makes people a bit crazy with hormones, and I was so ill on top of that. So yes, I stopped being fun, and was harsh around his kids, but I was so much worse with mine (and god, has he been saying some horrid things about my older DCs in these bloody FB messages) And he has at least slept with one other person (OW from that initial text message back in January). And I told him how sorry I was about how I was acting. I can't keep going in circles with this. But I am so gutted that I opened up to him, and that I let him be there with me, at the most vulnerable and intimate of times. And all he wants to do is go hunting for a fuck.

I am going to ask someone to come round tomorrow so I can have a bath. I ache and feel yukky and daren't leave Caspian as he will doubtless want feeding the moment my toe hits the water!

springytotty Tue 30-Jul-13 01:01:24

I'm sorry you're having to weather this now, waves .

I want to be stern with you but I blanche at it. Please sleep. Put all this fuck-awful shit in a box and bury it in the garden - you're good at that. It's summer, you've plenty of time to get it out again when you're ready. Cosy up with your lovely snuggly baby. Waves, a new baby is one of the best things on the planet - try to bury yourself in the loveliness of this incredible treat.

And fuck the father. Fuck the low-down skank. You had a lovely birth experience - some posters cried when they read it (not saying who). You're lovely and you're loved.

so sleep, waves. You need it, it's important you get it now in these early days.

Love Auntie Cunt Snake xxx

Allalonenow Tue 30-Jul-13 01:10:46

I hope you have printed off some of the crap he has written about all of this so that you can show it to his Mother in the distant future.

For now, push it all to the back of your mind, listen to your favourite music, try to eat something, drink plenty of water/tea/squash, eat cake, eat chocolate, read a favourite book (do you reread?).

Above all else, focus on Caspian and yourself. Take care dear waves x.

imbe123 Tue 30-Jul-13 01:23:32

Hi waves.
I never post but felt after reading your story I just had to.
Firstly congratulations on the birth of your son.
Please don't let him (twunt) get to you ( I know easier said that done) but he really isn't worth your energy.
I hope that you can get some sleep and find a lovely holiday for you and your DCs.

TimidLivid Tue 30-Jul-13 02:23:41

Waves I check ur thread before I go to sleep and a lot. That is because you are wonderful and I envied your lovely birth story. Your three children are beautiful and once you recover from the birth and all this its just going to get easier and better for you.

FiftyShadesofGreyMatter Tue 30-Jul-13 04:14:59

Many congratulations Waves on the birth of darling little Caspian smile

Well he couldn't keep the facade up v long could he? Don't give yourself a hard time love, you acted with dignity and grace, and I think that is what you will remember when you look back at this in future times.

Try not to let his twuntfuckery mess with your 3-day roller coaster hormones. You are awesome and we are all here checking in on you, holding you up high above this glorious vipers' nest grin

Can u sort a quick play date for your older DCs? Please keep calling on your RL help.

I gave my eldest the job of photo-documenting everything about our youngest's arrival. Accept your 2 may be too old for this but they are creative wee things aren't they and early pictures are so precious it could be a v special thing they can help with.

Wish I could come and cook you lunch and let you have a snooze and a bath, but maybe its time for early morning brew instead!

Take care awesome Waves xx

vole3 Tue 30-Jul-13 06:40:12

I ended up padding out my bathroom sink with towels to make a nest for DS whilst I had my bath/ shower so he was close at hand.

Hope today brings you joy and peace x

auntpetunia Tue 30-Jul-13 06:55:40

And yet again he proves me right! He is a bastard! A fucking evil selfish twat of a bastard! He left that open deliberately: that's no accident that he was having those conversations on your laptop at this time. He's a horrible evil man who knows exactly how to twist the knife and when.

Waves you need to bury the crap that's in your head from him deep out at sea, tie a great big rock to it and throw it over one of your nearby cliffs, it never needs revisiting. Then you need RL friends around to help with your dcs. I'm also sure lodgers won't mind communal areas being a bit messy and if they do …they can clean /tidy them.

I hope you got some sleep and that Caspian gave you some rest.

And as for being a cunt snake …he has no idea how scary a whole collection of those can be.

It is silly, I was hoping he might send me flowers or even a card after what he was part of etc. He has given me a gift I will definitely appreciate longer term now though, a machete through the facade and lies.

I forced myself to sleep around 2.30 after c finished feeding and the little poppet slept til nearly 6 so I did too. He is now sleepy snuffling next to me and I am full of love. My milk has come in and I'm sure that it will get a bit easier and less painful.

Will post properly later when not one handed on my phone (can't stop cuddling caspian)

AgathaF Tue 30-Jul-13 07:19:17

Every time you think he is showing signs of being a decent human being, you find out (again) that he is still, in fact, a cock.

Waves you really need to try to accept that he is now a small side-line in your life. He is Caspian's biological father, and nothing more. He will not turn into what you hoped he would be. You need to stop hoping for that because you keep getting the rug pulled from you every time you put some trust in him.

You will be having a hormonal blip now. It always coincides with milk coming in too so that Caspian will feed more, you will feel uncomfortable etc. Let yourself cry if you need to. Please accept whatever help you can. Don't be a martyr to the lodgers. They know you have a new baby, they will understand if standards slip for a week or so.

You need rest, food and support. Please take all that is offered. Maybe your older children can go to play at a friend's house for a few hours? You have done a magnificent job already. Just take a bit of time for yourself now.

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots Tue 30-Jul-13 07:31:24

Grasp that love and hang onto it waves. Bury all that negativity from twunt and just ride that 'wave' of love with C and your other DC too. You are the strongest, big hearted person here, and you will get through this. thanks

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 30-Jul-13 07:33:32

Even the brightest most generous DCs squabble at the best of times and they'll try hard not to mind Caspian taking up so much time, you have love enough for all - unlike the poon hound who sounds frankly desperate. He was punching above his weight when he snared you waves. Of course the laptop was left open on purpose in an "Expect nothing from me!" warning.

A new day - stay resting as long as you can.

saffronwblue Tue 30-Jul-13 07:37:02

Waves try to wrap yourself and DCs in a bubble of love. That idiot man is just a fly buzzing against the window.

Just found this thread. Congratulations on the birth of Caspian. You are, actually, superwoman!
Twunt only says things to hurt you as he can't cope with the fact that you are one million times better a person than him.
Enjoy Caspian, rest and take things easy for a few days. You are an inspiration!

themidwife Tue 30-Jul-13 07:47:42

I'm so sorry but not surprised. We know he's utterly without morals, a heart & justifies behaviour anyone else male or female would be seriously ashamed of.

If you are reading this Mr "Beers & Fanny" - YOU ARE THE CUNT & repeat & repeat.

I wish you were on the mainland Waves, you know if local we'd be there in a heart beat to give practical help. People may think we're just Internet vipers but we can be real life ones too!

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Tue 30-Jul-13 07:50:22

Is it helpful that I am loving the name cunt snake?

It's becoming part of my new NN, me thinks.

Caspian is so twee, he'll grow up to be the man men like your twunt fear. The good kind.

SpecialAgentCuntSnake Tue 30-Jul-13 07:52:19

Testing.

MissStrawberry Tue 30-Jul-13 07:58:20

I just knew he was being a fucking prick. I knew he was going to cause you an unbelievable amount of grief,

PLEASE for your own sake and that of your lovely children do not give him another thought.

Get the baby registered in your name only if you feel that would help.

See a solicitor about divorce asap. DO NOT let him get in first.

Ask your lovely friend to help as much as she is able. Tell her as much as you need too about the ex if it means you get the emotional support as well as physical.

Talk to us as much as you need, especially if you feel the need to contact the twat or read any more of his messages.

You do know he left it open so you could see it, don't you?

This man is beyond words. You need to give him no time at all and get him out of your life.

There will be people on here who can organise anything at all so use the help and support we are all offering.

Waves, don't focus any of your precious energy thinking about your woefully inadequate Ex. He is utterly pathetic and actually ridiculous. Time spent giving him head space is time wasted.

Keep your focus on Caspian, other dcs and yourself.

You will kick yourself if you allow this loser to ruin this special time with your new baby.

How sad that you hoped he might send a card of flowers...he keeps showing you just who he is....someone unworthy of your time, a shallow and unintelligent, weak cruel, utter waste of space.

DO NOT LET HIM DRAG YOU DOWN AGAIN. You and your dcs deserve better.

Wishing you a better day and a lovely bath thanks

MissStrawberry Tue 30-Jul-13 08:12:06

Calling fellow cunt snakes!!

Twat is obviously reading this thread. Is it time to go elsewhere? Don't any one mention it by name!

PyroclasticFlo Tue 30-Jul-13 08:19:57

Oh my god, what an absolute cunt he is.

Waves you poor darling. At least now maybe you will see through all the lies and stop having any hope or giving him any time.

He deserves NOTHING from you.

What an utter, utter bastard he is.

You are amazing. Stay strong. Look after yourself and your DCs. Ask the lodgers for help, and accept it.

We're with you, holding your hand, stroking Caspian's head, wishing you well all the way. flowers

Thumbwitch Tue 30-Jul-13 08:22:57

Darling Waves - I am so sorry that the revelation has come so quickly and so harshly. But I can answer one question for you - the reason he keeps telling you he loves you is that he's hoping to get back into your life, with your money and your owned home. He thought he had a good ticket for life there - and much of his vitriol now is because you've taken that off him.

So I'll say it again - he loves what you have, not who you are

He isn't fit for you to wipe your feet on - they'd end up dirtier afterwards.

You did what you thought was right for you, the baby and him (the bastard) at the time - and at the time it was ok. Please just write that off, and don't allow these later revelations to colour that event.

But from now on, you give him NOTHING. NOTHING AT ALL. Because he deserves less than that (if that were possible).

So glad your snuffler has taken well to feeding and much much sympathy on the cracked nipples and after pains - have you some Lansinoh in the house? If not, do get some - even if it means asking lovely friends or even TB to get it for you (ah, she's going to hospital though, so she can't)

Remember we are all here for you whenever you need to rant or moan; we will do whatever we can to support you.

Love to you and your baby Caspian, and the other two DC xxx

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots Tue 30-Jul-13 08:31:47

MissS I think that is a good idea, but think waves needs to make the call. Will follow what she feels is right, but I agree with your thinking.smile

themidwife Tue 30-Jul-13 08:42:53

Specialagentcuntsnake gringringrin

tobethatis Tue 30-Jul-13 08:48:06

as hard as this is waves it is GOOD thing that you have had an insight into how he really is and how he talks about you and your kids to others - this isnt a real man. He is totally brainless.

He has overshadowed most of your pregnancy DONT let this pig of a man take away the beauty of the last few days and also the forthcoming weeks, months and years. You are worth so much more.

Take it easy on yourself. You will surely have some tough days as a mother of a young brood but you can do this.

xxx

springytotty Tue 30-Jul-13 08:52:33

Darling woman, we need to send you flowers . How do we do that? show us how we find a way...

HOping you have a calm and lovely day and that you are indeed enveloped in love all day.

(btw I've researched taking Kalms while breastfeeding and not come up with much - but Rescue Remedy is excellent for times like this ime. who cares if it may be woo, it works!)

don't forget to show us how we can send you flowers xxx

Mixxy Tue 30-Jul-13 09:02:41

I kind of like the idea that after a difficult pregnancy your parting gift to twunt was a view of a back to back natural labour: a massive display of your feminine power.

Put this toad to sea.

flowers

JaxTellerIsAllMine Tue 30-Jul-13 09:20:01

So I'm a cunt snake? Well I kinda like it actually. brewbrewbrewbrew For all. I so wish you were on mainland. I'd be there in a heartbeat along with all the other cuntsnakes.

Any man worth his salt would never treat you this way, he isn't a man, he's proved what a user he is. Don't let him near your heart again

MysteriousHamster Tue 30-Jul-13 09:41:40

Thinking of you waves.

I know it must be so hard to accept that he isn't going to turn around and be full of love even though he saw you bring his child into the world.

But you can be full of love for your child, and him for you.

Don't waste energy on Twuntface.

shiningcadence Tue 30-Jul-13 10:01:10

I also quite like being a cunt snake. Thanks twunt grin

Waves, you had such a beautiful birth with Caspian, it really moved me and many others on this thread. Don't let his crass words and behaviour ruin what was a special, special time. I don't think you should regret having him there because now there is no way you will ever have any doubt as to whether you could have tried more/ been more reasonable. You couldn't have done anything more!

And please don't wonder whether this happened because you were difficult at the start of your pregnancy. All pregnant women are difficult - I certainly was. Our hormones are everywhere, our body is going through massive changes, we're tired, sick...we're allowed to be a bit moody/snappy whatever. This does not give your husband an excuse to sleep around, research late abortions, leave you, be a fucking insensitive bastard to you... He was so out of order and after you offering a million olive groves he has rejected every one.

I'd be inclined to just view him as a sperm donor to your beautiful little boy. That's that. Please don't contact him anymore, don't give him the satisfaction he seems to gain by hurting you and playing with your mind.

We might all be cunt snakes but we're all here if you need us lovely x

Canalside Tue 30-Jul-13 10:17:00

Have not posted on your threads before, but I had to now.

Oh my goodness, waves, you are AMAZING! You are such a strong woman, you are a fabulous mother and I have nothing but admiration for you.

It's easy to say twunt is, well, a twunt, but I don't have the history with him. But he really is a vile specimen who does so much to try and hurt you. I cannot understand why he would do so much to the mother of his child. Urgh. If he ever has the misfortune to meet anyone on here, well woe betide him. Keep all the evidence you can of his twuntery, and use it when he decides he wants access or when he's trying to get off paying maintenance.

But the best you can do, is to be a fantastic mum, to protect C from his hideous excuse for a father, and to not let the bugger get to you. Let him carry on being an utter twunt and ignore it. Build your nest and don't let him near it.

Caspian is beautiful, absolutely gorgeous. Many congratulations on the birth of your son.

vole3 Tue 30-Jul-13 11:55:42

Re sore nips, make sure C has a good mouthful to ensure the nipple ends up right at the back against the soft, not hard, part of his palate.

He texted me just now asking if I need anything dropping in whilst he is passing my house at lunchtime. I cannot believe him! Arrogant cock. He knows i know the dreadful things he had been saying about me, about him sleeping around, and his plans for tonight, and now this?!!!! Unbelievable.

Of course I'm ignoring. Plus I am out. Had to take caspian for his check and mine at hospital then on to the doctor. We have popped in somewhere very quiet for lunch as it saves me preparing anything. I had to stop in a car park to breastfeed caspian and ds1 and dd were super understanding and patient, was half an hour of them doing nothing as it is super windy and rainy here. At least it means he is sleeping now.

Home time soon thankfully. It's not easy doing this!

pinkbraces Tue 30-Jul-13 13:15:25

Keep on going Waves, dont ever forget what a truly amazing woman you are, you have three wonderful DC, and they in turn have you.

Try and ignore that unbelievable, disgusting excuse for a man - I believe in Karma, he will get his.

Concentrate on your gorgeous family - You are such a strong person, but you to need some time - you dont always have to be running around like the duracell bunny smile

AgathaF Tue 30-Jul-13 13:18:50

Arrogant cock sums him up beautifully.

You are doing well in spite of all the difficulties you are facing. Your children will thrive and so will you in time.

You need to try to go back to no contact with him. You are too vulnerable at the moment to have him contacting you at will and blowing hot and cold.

MissStrawberry Tue 30-Jul-13 13:24:05

Ignore the twat. No need to reply and definitely no need to open the door if he turns up. No access to baby until you are 100% happy.

Get the children to pack a bag each of things to do in the car should you need to stop and feed Acrobat again. There will be plenty of times when you will need to hang around and this fun bag will help.

I put a card in the post to you yesterday but don't know when it will arrive as never sent post to there before. Will be wrapping a small parcel later but won't be able to post until tomorrow. DD is shattered, the rain is coming down and just had a huge smack in the face via the post so need to hunker down and stay in this afternoon. Will be thinking of you though and here if you need to talk.

Mixxy Tue 30-Jul-13 13:27:06

"He texted me just now asking if I need anything dropping in whilst he is passing my house at lunchtime."

Tell him you could kill for a beer and some fanny.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 30-Jul-13 13:39:19

hmm When people tell him to go forth and multiply he should come with a health warning.

Songbird Tue 30-Jul-13 14:09:57

^^Mixxy

Yes!

LucyTheValiant Tue 30-Jul-13 14:11:11

Oh Waves. You are marvellous, and your children are marvellous, and you don't need him. You're right to ignore him. He's the most disgusting little man I've ever heard of.

flowers

Thumbwitch Tue 30-Jul-13 14:21:35

Can't believe he had the outright gall to text you that. What a knob he truly is.

Glad you've managed to get out, and that the children were good while you had to feed C - I second the suggestion that you have an activities bag packed for them as well, just in case it happens again - or you could just have some travel games in the car. Connect 4 is usually a favourite!

You're doing fabulously well - and you will continue to do so, better and better without that toxic loser in your life.

Lovethesea Tue 30-Jul-13 14:34:49

Thinking of you and all your lovely children. You are a wonderful beautiful tattooed creative hippy, with a warm and open heart, with great earning and independence potential, with a home not just a house, with a future and much joy to embrace.

He lives in a black and white world, you live in a world of colour.

themidwife Tue 30-Jul-13 15:10:46

I can read his mind! He behaves like a cunt & is exposed & then offers to do something for you so that when you reject he can say how ungrateful & horrible you are & justify his behaviour to himself & his beer & fanny brigade. Ignore him. You are doing brilliantly.angry

springytotty Tue 30-Jul-13 17:03:19

And what he's offering you is... to pick something up at the shop because he's passing. A paper. some sugar. Generous huh. What a good guy hmm

Thanks for all the reassurance. Has been a busy and difficult day but I've only had a couple of little cries.

After our lunch we took my new lodger for a little drive to show her about the place. (She is day off today)

When we got back I fed caspian then she held him and entertained DD so I could get a bath, and now she is popping down the shop for me as she has some bits to get and I suddenly fancied a banana!

Caspian is now an expert in poos as well as feeding. He is sound asleep on the changing mat next to me on the sofa. Might be keen for a feed again, wriggling about and starting to mew a bit smile My milk is definitely in. Ouchness and need for bigger tops territory!

Must admit that I had to drag myself upstairs to the bath and realise I have seriously overdone it today, so hopefully tomorrow we will just stay in. We left at 9.50am and weren't back home til 3. Bath has sorted out my aches and maybe some extra sleep will be granted me tonight as I'm feeling tearful. Latest thing to make me sad is that I have no new baby boy balloons! And I remembered the birth of DS1 when my exh and I were totally broke, but even so he made an amazing sign to welcome us home and congratulate me.... I swear, even with the alcohol fuelled violence, he was a much much nicer person than twunt.

Stop rolling down my face please tears. I know it's day 3 when hormones go all over the place, but I feel so sad about such ridiculous little things. I genuinely can't get my head round the fact that twunt watched me go through a lengthy back to back natural labour and birth and had not bothered with the smallest gesture. It is so cruel.

themidwife Tue 30-Jul-13 17:14:32

He is cruel. He always has been & always will be. You will rise like a Phoenix. thanks

springytotty Tue 30-Jul-13 17:15:26

I didn't get out of my nightie venture out for 6 weeks after my first. And when I did, I went to Brent Cross and came over all exhausted and vulnerable after half an hour and sat on a planter and wanted to be beamed up by Scottie.

3 days after you've had a back-to-back labour, you take you lodger out for the day. Waves . Darling. Please stop doing that to yourself. You must look after your body to look after your mind. That's how it goes, sweetie.

he is a sick person, waves . A sick, sick person. He is fucking with your mind. That's a huge thing to come to terms with - how could you have been sold down the swanny by someone so sick? - but you have to put one foot in front of the other, plant some pain boxes in the garden, and keep going. Just don't go gadding about, will you xxxx

tightfortime Tue 30-Jul-13 17:25:45

Lol Minxxy smile

waves, let the tears roll girl, it's hormones and toredness and stress and Twunt.

Let them roll, then ask the next visitor to bring a baloon for little munchkin.

One snuffly step at a time xx

tightfortime Tue 30-Jul-13 17:26:26

Soz for typos, being naughty on MN at work

AgathaF Tue 30-Jul-13 17:38:23

Please spend a day doing as little as possible tomorrow. You really do take far too much on.

You know, if he had bought you a present or balloons, it would only have fucked with your mind even more. Much better that he didn't and you know where you stand. Although, if he is reading the thread still, I wouldn't put it past him to turn up with some half-hearted gesture tomorrow or at a later date.

Anyway, he is not the important one here, you and your lovely DC are, so spend your free time congratulating yourself on your fabulous little family.

BerylStreep Tue 30-Jul-13 17:48:59

Accidentally left FB open on your lap top my arse. He has done this on purpose. He just cannot bear to see you happy. Look how he has made the birth of A/C all about him.

The only person who can let him into your head is you. I wish I could give you a magic pill to help you detach and forget.

MissStrawberry Tue 30-Jul-13 17:55:38

Order - stop expecting or wanting anything from twat. He is only going to hurt you more and the only balloons you want are from people who care about you. He doesn't so his gestures mean nothing as they aren't backed up by love.

You have done well today but done too much.

Tomorrow is a duvet day. Relax. You gave birth days ago you crazy womangrin. You need to rest!!!

Pollydon Tue 30-Jul-13 18:18:09

Cuntsnakes !!- he'd better fucking believe it grin.
Sending you healing vibes Waves

Ezio Tue 30-Jul-13 18:19:56

You know, i really want a t shirt that says "Cunt snake" now

AgathaF Tue 30-Jul-13 18:23:00

I must be the only one who doesn't find it funny to be called a cunt snake. I do think it shows his lack of respect for women though, and about sums up what I would have expected of someone so lacking in any useful qualities.
It's the sort of random, nonsensical name-calling an eight year old who had just learnt a new swear word would come out with.

Pollydon Tue 30-Jul-13 18:26:47

Exactly Agatha, that is what is amusing me, not the actual phrase, but the lack of intellect behind it.

Ezio Tue 30-Jul-13 18:27:33

Agatha, we laugh, because hes so damn pathetic, that you can only just laugh at his lack of substance and all around waste of space he is.

MinnieBar Tue 30-Jul-13 18:28:27

Oh waves, what a despicable excuse for a man he is. Did you say you'd kept copies?? If so, there's your evidence and grounds for divorce right there, no?

Another <snort> here at cuntsnakes. It's kind of making me think of that neck snake attitude move grin

BerylStreep Tue 30-Jul-13 18:29:37

Please stop caring about him, about what he does, or says, or who he shags.

At least you have seen him for his true colours. You were a meal ticket for him and he pretended to love you so that he could have a cushy life. What a cunt. There is something seriously wrong with his wiring, and you keep expecting him to respond normally, but he is not normal.

I can't help but think you are still doing things good for him, such allowing his family to impose on you the day of the birth, so that it will somehow make him see that you are worth him behaving decent towards. By being dignified and the better person, you are creating expectations of him, and time and time again he hurts you.

I think you need to learn not to have any expectations of him at all. When you say you wished he had brought you a card and flowers, it makes me want to cry. Those are the gestures of someone who loves you and cares for you. Waves it is so harsh, but you need to accept that he does neither, and never will, no matter how reasonable you are to him.

Have you registered Caspian yet? Would you consider not putting him on the certificate?

BerylStreep Tue 30-Jul-13 18:32:12

I'm also laughing at the thought of what a cuntsnake looks like. I'm picturing a snake with a vagina for a head! grin

MissStrawberry Tue 30-Jul-13 18:34:56

I think the laughing at the name calling is also that he thinks we might actually care what he calls us/

Oh no, delicate little flowers that we are can't cope with what the big man calls us hmm.

Yes yes to register without his name on and then go and file for divorce.

Pollydon Tue 30-Jul-13 18:35:22

Or a Cobra with an afro of pubes ...

He probably takes being called an arrogant cock as a compliment, because he is, among other things, actually a bit thick.

Hope you get back in the no-Twunt, new baby, hippy-happy mama zone soon. Because you can handle all this, and without him far better than with him. Protect yourself and your babies thanks

themidwife Tue 30-Jul-13 18:54:20

But Pollydon, cunts aren't allowed to have pubes. To please "real men" like twunt they must be hairless & porn ready!! gringrin

Ezio Tue 30-Jul-13 19:18:34

lol Midwife, he probably thinks all he has to do to get fanny, is touch her and knickers are off.

But if he wants fanny than all he needs to do is look in the mirror, hes the biggest fanny of them all.

mistlethrush Tue 30-Jul-13 20:11:03

I think you're allowed a few tears Waves, and don't feel bad about shedding them.

He has shown his true colours very clearly though - which I think is a good thing in the long-run.

I'm glad the new lodger seems to be fitting in a lot better - and I'm presuming that lodger 2 hasn't made a murmer since lodger 1 left...

Jux Tue 30-Jul-13 20:31:26

He's a Putrid Knob. At the very least, you know for certain and forever what he is. I cannot imagine how badly this further betrayal has hit you, Waves. I am so, so sorry.

On the other hand, I am thrilled to be a Cuntsnake! I loved being a Viper too, and am ineffably proud that I am both. I do so wish you were on the mainland so at least one of us could just pop round and help.

I hope you are having a quiet evening and do try to sleep tonight, waves. Quiet day tomorrow?

MrBloomsMarrow Tue 30-Jul-13 21:01:27

waves congratulations on the birth of your beautiful son. Over the last 7 months, you have had constant nausea and vomiting along with repeated hospital admissions, you've endured emotional torture ( I really don't think abuse isn't a strong enough word) from twunt, been deliberately run over by TB, cared for your DCs on your own, got lodgers in (and booted one out) and, despite all this, managed to make ice cream, bake cakes and play a gig whilst in labour. You've then endured 3 days of latent labour and given birth with virtually no pain relief. If that isn't a strong person, I really don't know what is. Although it's obviously incredibly painful, I almost think it's a good thing that twunt is really showing his true colours. You're incredibly vulnerable at the moment and I had visions of him trying to wheedle his way back in by saying how awestruck he was by seeing you give birth and how it's made him see the error of his ways and if you'd please just give him one more chance to prove himself to you ...yawn yawn. If you ever feel yourself being sucked back in, just remind yourself of what he's been saying about your beautiful DCs.
Please just concentrate on your beautiful family and don't waste any more time thinking about that waste of space. I've lurked on the relationships board for about 5 years and I really don't think I've come across anyone quite as fucked up and twisted as twunt.
What shines through all your posts is what a loving, warm and genuine person you are. If you lived anywhere on the mainland, you'd have been beseiged by online aunties offering to babysit/cook/clean/whatever.
Ever since your 1st post, I've checked in on you every day and I know I'm not alone. You have such a huge amount of love and support out here for you. Look after yourself and your beautiful family xxx

After a few teary moments, I'm a bit more calm this evening. My lovely new lodger came down for an hour and a half and we had a glass of wine to wet Caspian's head, played with the DCs and she had lots and lots of newborn cuddles. I've just finished feeding caspian and it was a little less ouchy, and he is now propped up against my legs having the sweetest hiccups. He also seems to be more awake and wriggly. I love him so much!

I have arranged for DS 1 and DD to go to a friends tomorrow so I can have a day of just feeding and changing caspian, and trying to sleep when he does. So even if I have a bad night, at least I know I have a quiet day ahead.

Oh, I had to smile earlier when DD asked why I was crying and I sobbed about balloons and she said " but mummy you've got caspian. He's a lot better than a balloon". A truer word was never spoken.

I think I must be having a much better evening than twunt. Spread out on the sofa whilst caspian is feeding, feeling so proud that he is so good at it. Just being a mum smile

MrBloomsMarrow Tue 30-Jul-13 21:42:42

Waves, that's beautiful. Am off to bed but have a 5 year old who still doesn't sleep through so will check on you through the night xx

PinkGirlsMummy Tue 30-Jul-13 21:51:37

Waves, congratulations on Caspian. You are doing amazingly well in what are very very early days. Getting breast feeding going is ouchy and exhausting and you sound like its going great- a massive achievement in itself. Please be as kind to yourself as you can and remember this too will pass, you have come though what would crush many people already. These next couple of weeks will be the toughest ones but you've got the right approach focussing on feeding and changing nappies. Your future is so bright and you have got so many happy memories ahead with your lovely family. I believe that good things come to good people and you are long overdue lots of food luck x

mistlethrush Tue 30-Jul-13 21:57:14

What a lovely thing for DD to say! You have such lovely children Waves - I'm sure that Caspian will grow up like his sister and brother!

pointythings Tue 30-Jul-13 22:16:51

With a family like that around him, Caspian will turn out just fine and completely unlike his sperm donor.

I'm going to have to go out and find a suitable badge for my promotion to official cuntsnake - it's great to know that we MNers have collectively got on the nerves of someone so very, very deserving of the scorn we pour.

Right, I think I am going to risk going to bed. I have a sleeping baby, who I will try to get to feed again on my rock-hard boulders, then see what happens overnight. Thinking the next 48 hours will be tricky, but it is to be expected at this stage. At least I have a day of nothing-much-to-do tomorrow.

(Apparently, having re-read one of the text essays twunt sent last night, I repeatedly fail to mention my shortcomings to you all, and his good points, because if I did my tale of woe would crumble. And no one feels sorry for him which isn't fair. To be honest, I think I have been very open with the fact I am ashamed of how crotchety and harsh I was back in early pregnancy, but also acknowledge that this is normal due to hormones, and it was all compounded by the HG. I have also stated how supportive he was during labour etc. Haven't I?) Anyway, those thoughts are being boxed away. I am doing nothing tomorrow other than getting through the day, and hopefully sleeping a bit!

BettyBotter Tue 30-Jul-13 22:51:41

Dear Mr Cuntface
There is nothing. nothing that Waves could say about what she did or didn't do or what you did or didn't do that would make your behaviour remotely acceptable. Ever.

The facts speak for themselves. Try to be a little more honest with yourself.

Betty

BerylStreep Tue 30-Jul-13 22:52:17

Is there anyone who could design a team logo?

Do you think that MN could design a cuntsnake emoticon? What would that even look like? You could have multiple ones, like Medusa.

Ezio Tue 30-Jul-13 22:54:48

I wont speak for everyone, but i give no sympathy to anyone, who is rude, entitled, whinging, nasty to a pregnant woman, who cheats, reseaches abortions for a planned child, because he is more worried about getting leg over, allows his children to treat his pregnant wife like shit, plays stupid mind games.

So if he has good points then they are well hidden behind his shitty behaviour, attitude and his disgusting attitude to women.

Grow up twunt, no one is perfect, but atleast waves admits she isnt, and for that she gets respect, you are still whining about yourself, well get it over it idiot.

MinnieBar Tue 30-Jul-13 22:58:43

Awww, it's not fair is it??! Diddums.

Do you know what's not fair? Bullying your wife. Encouraging your children to be disrespectful. Cheating on your wife. Being unsupportive through a really hard pregnancy. Need I go on? angry

Xales Tue 30-Jul-13 23:00:05

You are one of the most amazing women I have met on line.

You constantly give.

Your love for your DC shines through.

Your love for your twat of a H also does. Your pain at his actions is clear to all who read what you write.

Your H can't accept that he is wrong because that means looking deeper and closer at himself. Not many people can do that and he really wouldn't like what he saw if he did.

So it is easier to blame you.

themidwife Tue 30-Jul-13 23:00:11

Oh no fellow cunt snakes - we forgot - this is all about twunt & how he feels! Poor poor baby!

Sleep well Waves & please please ignore him. He can't face himself so is on the attack. It's pathetic really isn't it?

BerylStreep Tue 30-Jul-13 23:03:30

1. Why are you reading e-mails? What happened to the separate e-mail folder? What happened to no contact?

2. I feel very sorry for cunttwunt. I cannot imagine how such an emotionally stunted individual functions on a daily basis. (actually, that's not true - I know that he functions by lies, manipulation, gas lighting, cruelty and doing his best to feel better about himself by sucking power from others around him).

3. I cannot even believe that he is still reading this, and then e-mailing you to have a moan about how he is maligned on here (poor lamb). Does he have no boundaries whatsoever?

4. Just focus on your lovely family of 4. They sound wonderful. So does your new lodger.

5. I refer you to point 1. Stop reading texts, e-mails and everything else. This is such a special cuddly time for you, Caspian, his older siblings and his MN Aunties that you just need to babymoon. Nothing else.

themidwife Tue 30-Jul-13 23:07:40

I think time to move elsewhere Waves? The sick bastard is not welcome here.

tightfortime Tue 30-Jul-13 23:51:41

Dear Mr Twunt

Waves has been far too nice and tolerant of you already. She has given both sides, on many occasions. We, the cunt snakes, are more than capable of making up our own minds, thanks.

The sisterhood is sadly lacking at times but fair play, you have brought out the best in us. Your despicable behaviour has also brought out the best in waves.

So go crawl back under your rock.

Waves, enjoy the babymoon, your lodger sounds fab, hope you sleep flowers

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Wed 31-Jul-13 00:40:56

Yes, please stop reading his emails. I did this for another MNetter once, whose ex was sending her foul abusive emails, but she set a filter so that all of her ex's emails went to me, and I read them and excerpted anything she actually needed to know (they had a child and shared custody) and sent that to her. Basically cutting out the five paragraphs of why she was a cunt snake (!) and just forwarding the bit about the child needing new shoes, or whatever.

Happy to filter yours, if it helps!

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots Wed 31-Jul-13 00:41:51

I agree with Xales. I think when someone behaves so utterly appallingly, so vile and cruel to someone who is vulnerable, and in need of support, there must be a special kind of hell they would have to face if they ever looked inward to figure out why or how they were capable of such despicable behaviour. And that is what twunt will need to face up to sooner or later. I just hope for waves sake, the penny will drop soon in that awful git's mind. Either way, waves, I hope you just cut him off as much as is possible to maintain some semblance of serenity and peace with C and his siblings. thanks

Thumbwitch Wed 31-Jul-13 01:29:56

Sorry, I must be missing something - what EXACTLY are we supposed to feel sorry for him for? He had a cushy number going, he was a total wankfacedbastard who wanted to KILL his unborn child, and who subjected the mother of said unborn child to mental and emotional torture, despite her being hideously unwell carrying his unborn child.

I'm completely failing to see where he deserves any kind of sympathy? Maybe for not being a complete human, as in he lacks any kind of empathy and human feelings himself, but aside of that he can shove it up his sociopathic narcissistic arse.

Homebird8 Wed 31-Jul-13 03:17:04

Waves, I have lurked and lurked and am overjoyed at the safe arrival of little C, overwhelmed at your grace and love and charity, and and send you now all the support you have unknowingly had all these months. flowers

My comment with regard to the text you shared, is this.

Relationships can be full of the joys of spring. The loved one can have many wonderful qualities and share them with joy. Even so, if once something happens which is unacceptable, then that can be it. The relationship can be unacceptable, and one person can decide that. It is not reliant on a balance of good and bad, or an argument of worth, or any issue of fairness. If the line has been passed then it is not appropriate for the transgressor to negate their action and expect to retrieve in any true sense what they might have had in the relationship before. Dignity is the best they can hope for but even that is theirs to discard.

My dear Waves, you have dignity. Others make their own choices.

homebird thank you so very much for your message. It has given me a sense of peace.

I have decided that I don't want any more anger or cursing or anything like that. Just to explain , it was a text I re read, the one from the night I confronted him about the fb messages. I read it again because new lodger and I were chatting and she asked what his reaction was to my text. And so I read it properly. Fwiw, I do feel very very sad for him. He says when he saw the little lovely come out of me he felt disconnected, no bond. For a man who has defined himself to a great extent over the last decade by his relationship with his boys, that must be very very hard.

BUT I am now going to do my best to focus on positive emotions and the love in my new little family. I have had the most lovely texts from twunt's ex, saying how much she appreciates my including her sons so early, and for my selflessness in giving that early time so they could see their baby brother. I think that any contact with them will be facilitated between her and I as my having contact with twunt for now would be impossibly difficult. I have told her that in a few weeks or so she can come round one evening and we can have a chat and get to know one another a bit better. But again, not thinking about that for now.

My newest DS fed almost solidly between 9 and 1.30 then slept til nearly 6. I am looking forward to a quiet day now, just him and I with snatched snoozes where possible. I need to improve the latch on my left side as that is still awkward, but I am sure the two of us will figure it out.

I had tears today because there is no one to give me a proper hug.... Felt a bit "no one cares about meeeeee" that was triggered by conversation with TB. She had me thinking she was undergoing 3 solid days of tests at hospital on the mainland. I spoke to her yesterday evening having sent a concerned text asking for updates at lunchtime to which I'd had no reply. Apparently she had an hour and a half test then my sister met her and they have gone off to her place in London for 2 days. confused TB kept saying how awful it was and how exhausted she was and ones sympathetic but actually thinking, hang on, I've just endured the longest period of poor health due to HG and a 3 day latent phase back to back labour before a full day of natural
Pain relief free established labour. Anyway, I felt a bit hmmmm and have to let that go now too.

Anyway, I am off to slowly get a bit dressed. Quite achey still, which i suppose is normal, and then most probably try feeding C on the ouchy side before he gets over hungry.

Thank you all so much for still supporting me, it means the world thanks

auntpetunia Wed 31-Jul-13 07:11:18

Oh do fuck off twunt …its not all about you, infact we couldn't give a flying fuck about your feelings and about how 'horrible ' waves is to you. You gave up those rights way back at 14 weeks when you started researching late abortions, when you asked mummy to pay for a flat for you, when you then moved back whilst waves was in hospital and got your sons to be obnoxious horrible loud brats while she was so ill that she couldn't keep a meal down. You've miminised her illness during pregnancy to a it of sickness, she was fucking hospitalised on daily injections. You then make threats about contact and maintenance before your child is born. And even now when Waves allowed you to be at your son's birth, when you actually saw and heard a woman have a back to back birth as naturally as possible …you go on her laptop and leave Facebook open where you've slagged her and her kids off. Told people you only married her for her money and her house, and the fact that her DCs dad wasn't around (probably so you could bully them )was seen as good. And to top all that you we're going out looking for Fanny ...after inflicting your whole family on waves hours after giving birth..REALITY CHECK …IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU.

And you have the cheek to call us names …

themidwife Wed 31-Jul-13 07:15:40

Yes you need to stop re-reading his emails or texts love, they will just hurt you. Re his ex, just be careful, didn't she join in the hate campaign at one time & backed him up saying he'd never been abusive to her so it must be your fault?! Hope you have a good day thanks

vole3 Wed 31-Jul-13 07:28:14

Check out these tips on getting latch right
Also going skin to skin can help.

MissStrawberry Wed 31-Jul-13 07:30:27

What MinnieBar said.

DIDDUMS!!!

What a prat twat is.

MissStrawberry Wed 31-Jul-13 07:33:47

Tortoise - what a lovely thing you did for that mumsnetter flowers.

AgathaF Wed 31-Jul-13 07:52:18

Waves have you tried holding him rugby ball style on the painful side? It often helps improve the latch, especially with slightly engorged breasts. He needs to be held fairly high up under your arm (try resting him on two or three pillows) and quite well back so that his chin tucks nicely into your breast.

mistlethrush Wed 31-Jul-13 08:52:48

I fed DS rugby ball style for a while - I think it did improve latch - but it also got the heavy lump of my csx scar!

Bury the box and plant an apple tree on top - could just be a little seed. One day it will be a lovely tree to sit under in the summer and the box will be totally forgotten and irretrievable.

Have a lovely lounge with Caspian today!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 31-Jul-13 08:58:01

We're not with you to give you rl hugs but here's a (( )) and here's to positive thinking.

If certain sad people in your orbit keep playing on your good nature, they obviously draw strength from your goodness which they secretly covet, though of course they'd never in a million years admit it.

Really hope you can blot them out this week, just revel in Caspian.

Your new lodger sounds so nice!

Hope you have a good day with DS2.

shiningcadence Wed 31-Jul-13 09:48:43

I know you feel that nobody in your rl circle cares but so many women on here care about you waves. Keep focusing on that smile

thistlelicker Wed 31-Jul-13 09:50:59

Also hit flannels and a little Han expression should help with engorgement x

Canalside Wed 31-Jul-13 10:05:38

Would also recommend biological nurturing position for touchy side, as well as rugby ball hold. Good luck with the feeding, hope it gets less touchy soon.

With respect to twunt, well really it's none of his business whether you are "fair and balanced" on this thread, as it's YOUR support thread. You are entitled to say things from your point of view. if he doesn't like it, then really, he shouldn't be reading it. Shouldn't be reading it anyway! It's none of his business!

Enjoy your day with C, hope you have good feeds and good rest.

Allalonenow Wed 31-Jul-13 10:39:48

Hope you are really having a lovely quiet day with Caspian, cuddles and music will be good for both of you. Take care.

This thread is not about getting 'fairness' for an abusive man, it is about SUPPORT for the person he was supposed to love and has let down. Only such an inadequate man as him could try and make even this thread about him.

And we can certainly feel sorry for him that he is so woefully inadequate that he is addicted to reading this stuff because from time to time it mentions him. That he has allowed a bunch of people he doesn't know get to him to that extent, pathetic. And for the fact that the people who read his unpleasant rubbish on FB will certainly be losing respect for him the more of it they read.

If this thread didn't mention him at all, but just was about Waves and the dcs, he wouldn't bother reading it. Because if it's not about him, then he isn't interested.

Have a good day Waves and live your life well smile

JaxTellerIsAllMine Wed 31-Jul-13 10:51:33

You know what? I'm not commenting on twunt today. He obviously revels in the attention.

Waves I can't offer much help re breast feeding, but can suggest hot flannels, Savoy cabbage leaves for soreness.

Enjoy today with Caspian. He's perfect in every way. I'm sending virtual hugs for you. brewbrewbrewbrew As usual and a basket of snacks.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 31-Jul-13 10:54:01

Curious: do they still suggest Guinness or similar for nursing mums?

MissStrawberry Wed 31-Jul-13 11:06:24

I couldn't work out how to send balloons but have put a little parcel in the post for Caspian today.

Hope you are getting the feeding established and comfortable for you both.

themidwife Wed 31-Jul-13 13:14:05

We don't recommend officially but I think half a Guinness & big chocolate eclair every day are essential for new mums!

I've had a little doze today, and my doula came round too with bags of food so I have no shopping worries for a few days. Feeding ok but still not convinced on the latch. Being totally unsporty I have no idea how to hold a rugby ball!

I'd rather no mention was made of twunt now. He made his choices and that's that now. Perhaps foolishly I hung on to my dreams and hopes, fed by his actions in part, but now I accept it really is over.

I won't lie, I feel overwhelmed at the prospect of doing every nappy change, every bath, every load of washing, all the dishes, and of course all the feeding. I know I'm breastfeeding anyway, but exh even learned how to latch Dd an DS 1 on whilst I was sleeping so some of the night feeds I slept through. And I'm also entirely responsible for the shopping, my DCs, there will be no help with packed lunches or homework, or outings, or help shifting instruments for my gigs. And darling little caspian was planned on the basis of all this being shared between us. So I guess I have every right to feel overwhelmed.

I need to face the reality of this, and move on. It's just I am so so tired and he's only been in the world for 4 days.

Have shelved ideas of taking a break. I can't actually afford it, and in any case it would be hard work travelling.

I think that taking things hour by hour is the way forwards just now.

AgathaF Wed 31-Jul-13 13:46:57

The rugby ball hold is like this. It does work really well for lots of women. Your midwife should be able to help you get started with it if you've never tried it before.

Ezio Wed 31-Jul-13 13:56:19

I wish i tried that move with DD, might have been more successful breastfeeding.

Baby steps Waves, fake it til you make it.

MissStrawberry Wed 31-Jul-13 14:04:57

Hour by hour is a sensible way to proceed.

Allalonenow Wed 31-Jul-13 14:31:41

Glad you are getting a bit of rest today, you must be exhausted, physically and emotionally, so rest and calm should be your priority ATM.

On a practical note, do any of the supermarkets where you are offer online shopping? If so, that would be one less job for you to fit in. It is quick and easy to do. Or perhaps a local grocer would deliver a weekly order of basics?

Thumbwitch Wed 31-Jul-13 14:43:42

Lovely lady, remind me how old your other 2 DC are? I know it's NOT ideal, but iirc they are of an age where they can do some things for themselves, like make their own packed lunches, do washing up, help with the washing etc.
I am not advocating child slave labour here, but I DO believe that children should be encouraged strongly to participate in household chores.
DS1 doesn't agree with me of course! But I started him young, when he was still wanting to help and be like Mummy - so he empties the dishwasher, and he helps with the laundry in that he hands me pegs for hanging out the washing, and he'll fetch the laundry to the wash-room for me, plus he's very good at making sure his own stuff is in the wash-basket. He's 5.8 - if he can do it, then older DC surely can too.

In my own childhood, I was washing up by the time I was 7, and doing my own laundry by the time I was 12 but had been helping with it up until that time as well.

Look at it like this: it's good training for when they're older. My MIL failed signally to train DH properly in the general domestic chores of the house, and it's a real PITA. I make him wash up and he likes cooking, so we take it in turns to do both of those things; but I have to be completely incapacitated before he'll take a turn at any kind of cleaning and I won't let him near the laundry because he just shoves everything in together. (He does do his own ironing though)

So - do yourself AND your DC a favour and start getting them to help around the house - more, if they already do some stuff - washing up and packed lunches are a good start. smile

Have you got any Lansinoh yet?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 31-Jul-13 15:27:46

If your DCs are, say, 6 and 8, they can do more than you're possibly used to letting them. Loading the washing machine with whites or coloured clothes is not beyond them. Sweeping a floor or collecting scattered papers is achievable. They'll not object to assembling a lunchbox for themselves the night before.

What a brilliant suggestion having a doula was, so glad she has been such a help, MaytreeArch came up with that idea.

PyroclasticFlo Wed 31-Jul-13 15:41:07

Oh Waves, I don't have anything terribly useful to add but just wanted to give you a virtual hug and second everything that's been said ^^ upthread about the support you have on here. I know it's not the same as having someone to help day to day, but you have so many people wishing you well and sending you love. Hopefully that helps a bit.

FWIW with breastfeeding, I had no trouble at all feeding DS1 and strangely found it very difficult at first with DS2. It took us nearly 3 weeks to get it 'right' (and get through the pain) and one side was definitely easier than the other, but persevere and you and little Caspian will get there, I'm sure.

Please, my lovely, treat yourself as kindly as you possibly can, and go as slowly as you need to. Ask for help and receive it easily. You deserve it. You really, really do.

flowers and brew and ((((big big hugs))))

Ezio Wed 31-Jul-13 15:48:38

It says on her profile, they are 7 and 9.

I would definately encourage them to do more.

themidwife Wed 31-Jul-13 17:25:01

You're bound to be overwhelmed Waves! I was in a very similar situation 9 years ago with 2 DCs aged 10 & 11 & a new baby alone from 6 weeks. Once I was over the birth & feeding was established it really was the happiest time of my life. We were in a little love bubble the 4 of us. The older DCs cuddled the baby when I was busy or got stuff for me, were quite capable of making themselves a sandwich or a drink & it was such a lovely peaceful calm house without ex around. It seemed overwhelming but actually it was lovely. smile

pointythings Wed 31-Jul-13 18:22:57

I second getting your DCs to do more - you'll be doing them a favour in the long term if you start them on the road to independence now.

And the rugby hold is great - I did it with DD1 who had a suck like a Dyson and didn't like my left side. Not only did it fool her completely, it also evened out the pressure. You can do rugby during the day and cradle at night, it gives your boobs a chance to mend so that you're feeding comfortably all the sooner.

With engorgement it helps to stroke the breast downwards towards the nipple while you are feeding, helped me when I was having blocked ducts too.

TiredFeet Wed 31-Jul-13 18:51:05

oh waves I have missed a lot. I think taking it hour by hour, day by day is the best way to approach it. It is understandable to feel overwhelmed and remember your body is still recovering from the HG and will be for some time, so everything is going to feel harder than it normally does, and everything also feels harder when you're short on sleep.

your children all sound wonderful. I love your dd's comment about the balloons!

thinking of you xx

My DCs do already do quite a lot - they do the washing up, drying etc, keep their rooms sorted and put washing away, feed the animals, get me drinks, run their own bath etc. The main issue is their lack of understanding of the words "now please". And then the moans about "why are you making us do work for you".

Also, lodger 2 (as opposed to lodger one or new lodger) is pretty fussy about cleanliness. I find myself cleaning up after the DCs cleaning up iykwim. I know I should tell him to suck it up, it is becoming a bit of a drain. I shall attempt the rugby hold shortly - will be waking the baby in a few minutes for a feed in the hope that getting in before the little frustrated rootings makes it easier. His arms and hands keep getting in the way smile

I know he is off topic, but t.w.u.n.t. texted this pm saying "i know you are probably still mad at me but hope you are feeling ok" offered "help" and wants to "avoid acrimony so he can get to know his son". I've ignored and will continue to do so. He really has no idea at all.

Day 5 tomorrow....hopefully the engorgement will settle down. Might take a couple of paracetamol and try a warm flannel if it still hurts after this feed.

Caspian is as gorgeous as ever - will put a few more photos on my profile shortly because I think he is adorable smile

thistlelicker Wed 31-Jul-13 19:52:59

You will have the midwife coming tomorrow! See what tips she has for the engorgement! You are
Doing really well:-)

themidwife Wed 31-Jul-13 19:57:40

Have you got a Savoy cabbage? Put it in the fridge & put a cold leaf on each breast. Remove when soggy & replace. The salicylic acid reduced enforcement & heat like a dream. Send new lodger down the shop ASAP if not!
Ignore he who shall be ignored!!

themidwife Wed 31-Jul-13 19:58:37

Stupid phone!! Reduces engorgement!!!!

AgathaF Wed 31-Jul-13 20:15:50

It might help to express a bit of milk off before you put him on, just to make it softer so he get a better latch.

themidwife Wed 31-Jul-13 20:20:32

Yes & put hot flannels on the breast to encourage the milk to let down.

MissStrawberry Wed 31-Jul-13 20:26:12

I know the children are only young but they need putting straight about doing work for you. It is work for the family.

DH "joked" that he had brought the washing in for me last week. If looks could kill.....

MissStrawberry Wed 31-Jul-13 20:26:58

Well done with regards to the nonentity.

BerylStreep Wed 31-Jul-13 20:41:58

In what way is lodger 2 fussy? Does he say anything about the place not being tidy?

I think ge needs to be a bit realistic that he is living in a family home.

AndMiffyWentToSleep Wed 31-Jul-13 21:01:43

Hi Waves, I may be wrong but I think the www.kellymom.com website (good breastfeeding advice) suggests ibuprofen may help with engorgement, by helping to ease inflamation.

springytotty Wed 31-Jul-13 21:02:33

My kids got into that thing of thinking they were 'doing things for me' - but it wasn't 'for me' and it's not 'for you': it's for the family. Perhaps you're phrasing it as 'could you do this for me, please?'? Perhaps have a look at how you're presenting it to them. I realised I was being kind and nice... but that bit me on the bum tbf. Forget kind and nice: statements may be the way to go - not nice, not nasty. Surprisingly effective!

As for your workload. Waves. Darling. Maybe this is an opportunity for you to stop the whirling dervish thing and actually have a go at learning to stop. Ach, have a said that right? If you let yourself get submerged in this new baby period, just let go and go with it, it's not as hard as it appears. You've done it twice already - admittedly with help; but maybe you were still keeping a full life moreorless going so you needed help to keep taht show on the road? things are different now, you can't eg take your lodger out for a daly-long trip just days after an arduous labour and delivery !! I hope you're getting the gist... wink

Lodgers: too bad if they 'like cleanliness'. Just TOO BAD. They've chosen to take a room in a house where the landlady has just had a baby. Too bad, chaps: like it or lump it. ... however, I do relate to this: I've in the past been ashamed of mess and of being judged. Now I couldn't give a flying fuck - if they don't like it, too bad. It took a while to get there, though, and you're quite new at this lark (lodgers). I've also learned to do the absolute barest barest minimum to just about get by. No-one's going to die if the furniture isn't moved to hoover underneath eg. I'm an absolute master at doing practically nothing nowadays wink

Long post, sorry. midwife got in first with the cabbage leaf - miraculous remedy, give it a go.

Thinking of you, dear. You will get through this, hour at a time xxx

themidwife Wed 31-Jul-13 21:07:43

Yes ibuprofen also helps to reduce inflammation

Allalonenow Wed 31-Jul-13 21:13:44

YY to what springy says!

Sending you hugs, you must learn to let go, don't pick up the lodger's monkey.

Right: ibuprofen it is then! With respect to the DCs, I always phrase it in terms of teamwork, and family, and responsibilities. I have had a battle as TB used to go on saying "mummy musn't make you do jobs" and would tell me "they are only children" etc. Now that influence is reduced things ARE getting easier, but they had a lot of drip feeding from her suggesting that they shouldn't even have to tidy their rooms without assistance!

Lodger 2 is fussy, and has occasionally said "Waves, can I have a word, I'm not happy about xyz". And I have gone and acquiesced to his request. Now I just try to tolerate his huffing and puffing which I am more sensitive to now I am tired and just had a baby! He just mutters to himself, and makes obvious sounds of disapproval which I find not so nice.

Anyway, C is grumbling, so I think it is ibuprofen then feeding time. Think I will attempt a nap after this feed - aching with tiredness despite my "duvet day".

springytotty Wed 31-Jul-13 21:30:20

Fuck lodger 2 tbf angry

Perhaps at some stage (not that I am encouraging you to do any work here!!) you can look for a replacement for lodger 2. I certainly would - some things are a death knell to a sharing relationship. the point is, you know what you want and it's not him. You're the boss.

WingDefence Wed 31-Jul-13 21:31:29

Blimey waves I've just caught up on the last couple of days as I've been focussing on the other thread.

Glad to hear you have had a quieter day today. And it's brilliant that C has taken to feeding so well - have you worked on your latch on the left?

A little hand expressing can help relieve the engorgement too. I never got very good at it (ie for proper expressing) but in/after a shower it became pretty easy to do and that helped a lot in the first few weeks.

I agree too about getting the older DCs to do more if possible. With the weather being as it is they could help to make dinner without cooking eg putting together a salad and quiche or something?

Sounds like new lodger is lovely btw. wine

themidwife Wed 31-Jul-13 22:02:08

I'm sorry but male lodgers suck!
Night night lovely (please try the cabbage leaves too!) smile

Snooze time, caspian all snugly so maybe at least an hour will happen? Need to google bright green newborn poo first. Hoping for some Savoy cabbage to appear tomorrow, have someone popping out to look for some for me.

Lodgers in general are hard work. Ah well, if I get a decent enough job when I go back to work I might be able to do away with a shared facilities lodger completely, which would certainly reduce the stress levels.

zimbomaman Wed 31-Jul-13 22:14:04

Yes to cabbage leaves. They really do help with engorgement.

pointythings Wed 31-Jul-13 22:21:57

I'd be telling lodger two that if he didn't like xyz then there was always a-b-c-door and to please give as short notice as possible. You need more people like new lodger, to be honest.

I wonder whether male lodgers expect to be waited on as if by their mums and that is why they can't hack life in a shared house where they have to behave like adults?

Green newborn poo often means too much lactose - if it has been hot and baby has been snacking a lot, i.e. having drinks rather than full feeds - the boy needs to excrete the excess lactose and it can make poo green. The hot weather and frequent drinking could account for it. It happens in growth spurts too. If he looks to you as if he is healthy and plumping out then he will be fine, but you can always get him weighed if you are feeling a bit anxious, but as long as he is having alert periods interspersed with normal sleep and baby behaviour he's fine.

Jux Wed 31-Jul-13 23:38:06

Sleep well, Waves. You really are doing excellently.

Vis a vis, lodger 2, I would point out that if he wanted to live in a hotel then he can pay hotel prices. As it is, this is a family home and if something isn't up to his standards then he can jolly well do it himself. Particularly with a new born around, you really shouldn't be waiting on him hand and foot. If he wants the bathroom cleaner then the cleaning stuff is here, and if he wants the corridor hoovered then the hoover is kept there, etc.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 31-Jul-13 23:56:15

I thought it might be Caspian could be mildly affected by any medication you're on waves but that's just one possibility so I'll gladly step aside for the experts.

Re: lodger 2 - he is either angling for a reduction in rent or indulging in a moan but not so bothered he'll attend to it himself. If he doesn't like it he can always leave.

Thumbwitch Thu 01-Aug-13 01:11:05

A friend of mine has a husband who is fussy about tidiness and cleanliness (think pure anal) - so if he doesn't like the way things are, HE gets to deal with it. He does - he does all the housework. Their house is like a show home (very uncomfortable, IMO!)
So I'd be telling lodger 2 that it's his choice - he can either a) shut up, b) do something about it himself or c) find somewhere more suited to his overly exacting standards.

I never tried the cabbage leaves but I've heard they work well - but ibuprofen works very well too! And has the advantage of knocking out some of the pain of the shredded nips. grin Try to take it after a feed; it takes 20 minutes to start working and wears off after a few hours; so that will minimise any chance of any of it getting into the milk.

Homebird8 Thu 01-Aug-13 05:41:44

I had a DS1 whose little arms used to flail around and push away from me whilst latched on (ouch). In the end I found that wrapping a muslin from his back to his tummy over his upper arm and having the other arm under mine made for a calmer and less ouchy feed. Getting that right also helped heal my sore nips.

Thank you all for the advice on the feeding, positioning, painkillers, flailing arms etc smile Things feel a little easier today, at least in so much as I had a pretty much pain free feed on the bad side over night. Although now the other side is sorer confused We didn't get a block of sleep, but maybe this afternoon I will be able to squeeze in a little nap.

I think the MW is coming today - was told yesterday, but no-one arrived. We have to go out this morning so I will phone to let them know that. I will also speak to her about the feeding and see if she can help at all.

Might see about giving him a bath soon and ask DD to be the photographer. LONG time since I bathed a baby, let alone a newborn.

PS - poo is still greenish but less bright green than yesterday (it was like food colouring then!!!). Hoping it will return to normal soon, and that it was just C getting too much foremilk as a result of engorgement/milk coming in properly.

themidwife Thu 01-Aug-13 07:19:20

Unless you're on antibiotics we always suspect a feeding issue with green poo at this stage. Do you have infant feeding advisors/breastfeeding counsellors in your area - either NHS or NCT? They often have more time than community midwives to spend with you on feeding advice. Def contact them ASAP as well at the MW for support.

MissStrawberry Thu 01-Aug-13 08:24:02

Maybe keep a nappy for the MW to check the colour?

Hope you have a good day today and make sure you don't take any crap off the lodger. Don't tolerate his rudeness when you have ignored him.

springytotty Thu 01-Aug-13 08:38:01

back to entitled lodgers: I recently had a male lodger. Dead cool, dreads, musician, chef, lovely guy, laid back etc. He was a nightmare. He washed up his stuff, and only his stuff, with great precision and expected all communal areas to be kept sparkling.... by me, it appeared. I think he thought I was his mother and that I should pay for tea, sugar, loo roll etc like a blackpool landlady. Got rid of him. Think shared house, waves , but with the difference that you're in charge! haha, it's up to you to set the pace and if they don't like it...

Glad to hear you're feeling a bit better today waves . These are the toughest days with a new baby and that's aside from grappling to come to terms with a feckless, cruel ex and the loss of hope. Hour at a time my darling xxx

It's yellow now....

Will see how we get on today but there is plenty of support here for breastfeeding smile

He's had his first bath and loved it. Well, he basically stretched out floating and fell asleep. It was quite magical.

Jux Thu 01-Aug-13 08:55:08

Oh my heart swelled reading about C's bath! DD tended to poo in hers!

Glad you've lots of bf support round there. We had very little and my midwives tended to sit about watching me saying "that's not normal pain" and tell me I should use the bottle. In the end I capitulated; one of the biggest regrets of my life.

WingDefence Thu 01-Aug-13 09:15:40

Oh bless him! DD hated baths until a few weeks ago when I bought a new thermometer and realised she likes it at 34-35 degrees and no hotter smile

Hope you manage to nap today.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 01-Aug-13 09:52:34

A little merman as well as acrobat smile have a great day.

mistlethrush Thu 01-Aug-13 10:08:34

Rugby ball hold great on flailing arms too - as you have them nicely under your arm to stop that... grin

Lovely about the bath Waves! DS just screamed in his.

themidwife Thu 01-Aug-13 10:12:04

That's beautiful Waves! It is his natural environment after all! Sounds like he'd really take to water baby classes! My DD2 was like that & she's always been able to swim as we started classes when she was 3 months old.

Oh dear - midwives aren't popular are they?! shock

JaxTellerIsAllMine Thu 01-Aug-13 10:19:59

Morning everyone. brewbrewbrewbrew

I think with every job, you get good and not so good midwives.

My cousin is a mw and a bloody good one. She's delivered 3 of my 5 niece/ nephews and my sil said she was brilliant.

Well done waves, I loved bathing my 2. Such a lovely time for bonding I thought. Bet he'd love water baby classes

themidwife Thu 01-Aug-13 10:30:24

Thanks Jax. Yes same here - having a bath with my babies was another really special time. I still end up with 2 big girls in with me sometimes! grin

SpecialAgentCuntSnake Thu 01-Aug-13 13:15:40

Bathing newborns... That musky smell... [wistful]

MissStrawberry Thu 01-Aug-13 13:22:24

How lovely he fell asleep in his bath grin.

Yellow poo is good.

themidwife Thu 01-Aug-13 16:33:06

Yellow poo is excellent yes! It sounds like it's all coming together!

BerylStreep Thu 01-Aug-13 17:55:45

waves you are so busy with C at the moment, I think it is a bit unreasonable for lodger 2 to be huffing and puffing, when your baby isn't even a week old.

Perhaps longer term it might be an idea to have regular house meetings to reiterate the rules / discuss how things are going.

pointythings Thu 01-Aug-13 18:10:54

Congratulations on the arrival of lovely yellow poo! grin

Ouch! Really need C to have a decent feed on my right... Have been block feeding as I'm sure bright green poo was caused by oversupply meaning he was only getting foremilk when I was swapping for each feed. Seems to have done the trick. And sorry for all the poo talk but no one to discuss it with in RL!

I baby wore properly for the first time, just went down the road to the small supermarket for tea bags (haven't drunk it in months and now I want tea all the time). That was with my bargain £10 moby wrap. Came home to find a friend has left a card and a baba sling as a gift, so I may try that tomorrow.

Off to try rouse my gorgeous little thing to take some more milk. Not only ouchy but I look very unsymmetrical smile

MissStrawberry Thu 01-Aug-13 19:32:48

Non symmetrical breasts are all the rage doncha know?!

PinkGirlsMummy Thu 01-Aug-13 19:34:02

It might help to express some milk from sore side before you feed. That helped me when I was finding bf really sore im the early days x

themidwife Thu 01-Aug-13 19:39:58

Yes definitely hand express a bit off to soften the areola before you latch him on otherwise he'll bob on & off & get frustrated, plus it'll hurt more if he can't get a good mouthful of breast tissue.

TigerSwallowTail Thu 01-Aug-13 23:56:57

I found lansinoh worked wonders for me, although that was for cracked nipples. My midwife also recommended cabbage leafs for sore boobs and says there was research behind it too, not just an old wives tale.

CurlyFox Fri 02-Aug-13 07:24:26

Morning, how was your night?

themidwife Fri 02-Aug-13 08:40:58

Yup it's the salicylic acid in dark green cabbage that works for engorgement. Doesn't do much for nipples though - lansinoh is the best for them!! smile

thistlelicker Fri 02-Aug-13 08:56:40

I've spent all night hand expressing with a mum with a baby who is tongue tied! Nothing more
Rewarding seeing a mummy's face knowing she's providing for her son! Good luck today op!

themidwife Fri 02-Aug-13 09:08:41

smile

How are you this morning Waves? Any relief?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 02-Aug-13 09:50:29

I was told your own breastmilk is good for sore nipples.

Good morning waves hope the sun is shining and your family are all thriving, you need a nice spell of calm.

AgathaF Fri 02-Aug-13 09:54:03

That's true Donkeys - it's the antibodies in it that help with healing.

MissStrawberry Fri 02-Aug-13 09:56:50

Hope you have a nice relaxing day with only positive things happening.

It is DD's birthday so might not be on much this afternoon. Will be thinking of you though.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Fri 02-Aug-13 10:36:05

Morning lovely waves and everyone brewbrewbrewbrewwinewinewine

Hope your boobs aren't as sore today. I'm sure with all the fab advise you will be fine.

Snuggles for c from me.

I smell awful today - but it is only because of the large savoy cabbage leaves sticking out of my top grin

I remembered "nose to nipple" and suddenly it all seems a lot easier. Am also using the rugby ball hold some of the time which is working for both of us, and the engorgement is lessening so fingers crossed that is progress. Bit worried that his poos are green again so I have nappies lined up to show the midwife when she arrives (at some point between 8 and 4 today - hopefully soon as I want to go and register his birth which is a 20 minute or so walk away)

I've also been expressing just a little tiny bit, and letting the milk stay on the areola etc, and drinking fennel tea. And copious amounts of the nipple cream (I was given some called biofem I think).

More sleep last night - C started cluster feeding earlier, so I went to sleep at 11.30, he woke at just before 2, then I went to sleep again at 3, then he woke at just before 6, then instead of staying awake I went back to sleep with him, and woke up just before 9. Unfortunately I had very very vivid and bad dreams about twunt, so woke up feeling shaky and terribly upset. It's hard to box up bad feelings when they sneak out when you are sleeping sad

Hopefully it will be a quiet day, just waiting for the midwife, then we will get the chance to walk to get the birth registered. It is a nice walk, largely through an open park, so if I take it slowly that will be some good exercise. I have been walking around with him in the baba sling I was given yesterday, and it seems very comfortable and he is well settled in it, so we will use that I think. The car seat is heavy, and so I would rather walk where possible as my stomach muscles are painful and carrying the car seat, change bag, handbag is a bit much. Whilst I am waiting in I need to look up ways I can sort out my abdominal muscles as they are sore, and keep pulling when I do normal things like picking bits up off the floor.

Oh, and the older DCs were fantastically helpful yesterday smile AND lodger 2 popped into the lounge and had a little chat - he was super friendly. I think I have been over sensitive blush He has had a terrible week at work with really long hours, and I now think that is why he has been huffing and puffing. He thinks C is sweet, and was shocked I am so tired as he assumed he was sleeping all night as he hasn't heard him at all (his room is directly above mine). So I am a bit relieved that the little grizzles haven't been particularly audible.

Thanks to all those who have been sending cards and gifts - I need to go through my inbox and reply properly, but just grabbing the odd moment to sit down at the computer at the moment!

MissStrawberry Fri 02-Aug-13 11:21:57

I understand where you are coming from with the upsetting dreams. I once woke up and slapped DH then wouldn't talk to him all day as he had cheated on me in my dream. I was unsettled for hours. Same as when I dreamt about an ex. Try not to make it more real by giving it any more thought.

Hurray for lodger 2 being more friendly and considerate.

themidwife Fri 02-Aug-13 11:40:00

Morning lovely Waves!
Sounds good in terms of positioning - yes - nose to nipple, head free & tilted back, tummy to mummy ie his whole body in a straight line from crown to rump facing you & chin & cheeks touching your breast. You might see a little rim of areola just above his top lip but no more.

Dreams can be painful but good to get those fears out. Hope mw visits early & you can have a gentle walk smile

The midwife just left. He's just dropped 3oz in 6 days which is marvellous apparently, so a healthy 7lb exactly today. He had just woken up as she rang the bell, and needed his nappy changing - runny and yellow and she said it was perfect, and not to worry about green nappies - apparently with the heat little ones are feeding just for hydration at the moment. So long as there are yellow ones too. Heel prick test was done, and then of course he was hungry. She said he is feeding beautifully - can hear him swallowing really well, and he looks like he has been doing it for years. My positioning was great, although she suggested a pillow under my arm when doing the rugby ball hold. Immediately she did that it felt more comfy!

So, I just need to worry less and have a bit more confidence in myself because the feeding is spot on. She thinks he is absolutely gorgeous too smile

I also have the rest of the day "off" now, so I will get my little walk, and maybe even go for a cup of tea at the cafe in the park on the way back. I am ignoring my list of jobs and intend to spend today and tomorrow just enjoying being a mum of 3, and settling into my new life, especially now I have had the confidence boost regarding feeding.

themidwife Fri 02-Aug-13 12:32:39

That's great smile

Allalonenow Fri 02-Aug-13 12:39:42

Pleased for you that the feeding is going well now, don't run out of cabbage leaves mind!

Take it easy on your walk later, try to have a break half way, somewhere in the shade.

Your plan for quiet days sounds just what you need, in fact I think you need a lot of quiet days, not just one or two. Take care.

AgathaF Fri 02-Aug-13 12:41:56

Ah that's brilliant. Enjoy your relaxing and restful afternoon.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 02-Aug-13 12:47:40

smile Lovely update.

Thumbwitch Fri 02-Aug-13 13:01:00

Oh waves smile - just so happy to read your lovely positive news! xx

Jux Fri 02-Aug-13 13:10:03

Waves, such a great update. Makes my heart sing! Thank you x

LucyTheValiant Fri 02-Aug-13 13:34:16

How lovely smile And yes to resting!

springytotty Fri 02-Aug-13 13:48:59

I am entranced by your account of Caspian's first bath. How absolutely adorable!! <3

Glad to hear things are improving and plateauing out. Long may it continue...

as well as the resting wink

Well done waves flowers flowers

nemno Fri 02-Aug-13 13:58:10

I love reading your updates Waves, thank you for sharing.

WingDefence Fri 02-Aug-13 14:23:55

Brilliant news about the feeding! Enjoy registering him and have a big chunk of cake at the café grin

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 02-Aug-13 14:35:24

Ooh yes, have you registered Caspian?

PS happy birthday to Miss Strawberry's DD btw, wine (Ribena honestly)

Happy birthday miniMissStrawberry. Good time of year for birthdays I think.

Well, Caspian is now officially registered (newborns are expensive - had to pay doctor for check up on Tuesday, and another £20 today to register him!) but the walk was not quite to plan.

The gorgeous hot and sunny day suddenly turned into torrential downpours. I figured there were not enough clouds for more than one so we set off after downpour one. Unfortunately the brief respite quickly became "Downpour Two That Never Stopped". I am still soggy! Caspian was okish, slept all the way their and back but the sling is soggy, and hanging up to dry.

Must admit I ended up crying on the way back because it was "kissing rain". Last summer when it was so wet, everytime it rained like this me and twunt would be straight outside and kiss for as long as the rain lasted. And this time I was walking back alone and soggy, with raindrops and tears pouring down my face, having just registered the Caspian's birth by myself. Ah well, I got home and he needed a nappy change and feeding, and now I have just made a cup of ginger tea.

My older DCs have been at the beach this afternoon - just heard they had a great time, swimming in the rain.

This time last week I was in labour. And already I honestly cannot imagine not having Caspian - time seems to have started again, and he has always been part of it.

Oh, I am playing on Sunday, and had a practise with C in the sling before. First good news is I can physically manage to play with a baby in a sling on me, second good news is that he really enjoyed it. So fingers crossed it is a successful performance this weekend smile

I have no cake!!!! Just realised that the cafe stop never happened on account of me determinedly marching through the rain. So I have had no cake and I have none at home. What to do????

Xales Fri 02-Aug-13 17:14:21

Make one?

Thumbwitch Fri 02-Aug-13 17:14:25

Make some? If Caspian is good in the sling, it should be possible - glad he likes your playing, btw, that's a good sign! grin

When I was pg with DS1, I used to sing in a function band - there were certain songs that would send him ballistic (funk ones) and I was never entirely sure whether he hated them, or was dancing along! I had to stop singing them though because it was too painful. Sadly, I also stopped singing in a band altogether after emigrating, and so have no clue what DS2 reacts to - but he likes music and dancing very much (as does DS1 - didn't ruin him! wink)

MissStrawberry Fri 02-Aug-13 17:22:19

Thank you for MiniMissStrawberry birthday wishes. I won't dwell on her being a little madam hmm.

Lovely lovely update. What a clever mummy you are! Caspian, what a clever baby you are!!

I had to reread parts when I thought you had hung up Caspian to dry rather than the sling though!!

Cake making time it is - he's just finished feeding (again) so I'll see if I can make a cake. I'll blame new baby brain for failing to spot that completely obvious solution smile

Snorted a little at the mental image of Caspian hanging up to dry!

WingDefence Fri 02-Aug-13 18:04:06

Mmm cake smile

[http://www.mumsnet.com/Recipes/i/1778-All-in-one-microwave-chocolate-cake How about this MN microwave chocolate cake in a mug?!]]

WingDefence Fri 02-Aug-13 18:05:45

Er my links never fail! shock Must be the lack of 'dot.com' but there isn't one on that page hmm

pointythings Fri 02-Aug-13 18:43:17

You missed a [ at the beginning of the web address, Wing - MN demands two on each end.

How about this MN microwave chocolate cake in a mug?!

Like so, just so that waves can just click and drool.

Great to hear the feeding is going so well, lodger 2 has settled down and your DCs are all happy.

That recipe looks good! Have now run out of eggs and s/r flour now though. Vanilla sponge fresh out of the oven is yummy though. Isn't is AMAZING that I can now drool over the thought of food, and enjoy eating food. First time in so, so long.

C is now hungry again (maybe the smell of the cake?) so feeding time I think.

Really tired from my rainy walk, so hopefully he will do lots of feeding this evening, and have some good sleeps in the night

Jux Fri 02-Aug-13 19:23:13

Glad your appetite is back. grin

WingDefence Fri 02-Aug-13 19:30:52

Cheers pointy - it's been one if those days smile

Vanilla sponge sounds lovely waves. Enjoy!

MissStrawberry Fri 02-Aug-13 19:54:31

Vanilla Sponge sounds lovely.

Allalonenow Fri 02-Aug-13 21:35:54

Very pleased that you have got cake! I think you need cake every day for the foreseeable future.

I've been wonderering about Caspian and music, and I'm so thrilled for you waves, that he seems to have inherited your musical gene. You paint such a beautiful picture of him listening to your playing, my heart was in my mouth.

Sweet dreams, to you and Caspian, and your other lovely children, you are a very special person.

themidwife Fri 02-Aug-13 23:53:49

"I love a bit of cake " gringringrin

So lovely to hear you enjoying your food again! smile

FiftyShadesofGreyMatter Sat 03-Aug-13 06:01:24

Lovely update Waves, you are doing so well grin

BIWI Sat 03-Aug-13 08:05:08

It's so lovely to read about you enjoying food, waves, after all those months of sickness.

imbe123 Sat 03-Aug-13 10:13:18

Glad you are doing well

WakeyCakey Sat 03-Aug-13 10:24:44

waves I've lurked on your other threads and only just found this one and read it all.
You are an amazing woman, your children just sound utterly delightful and I have a fantastic image in my head of you four as a family.

You have done so well through all of this and have such a beautiful boy to be proud of now.

Caspian sounds fantastic and such a happy boy by the sounds of it. I well up reading your threads because you are such an inspiration.
A friend of mine is finding herself in a very similar situation to yourself so I have directed her to your threads for advice. I hope she has the same strength that you do because then she will be fine I can tell!

Enjoy your family waves, you are doing a fantastic job of everything!

waves glad things seem to be going well with Caspian. You amaze me,do you ever stop?!!

So glad to hear you are eating grin

I forgot how the body can adjust to 2 hours sleep! C was feeding all night and finally at just before 6 he nodded off, and I did to, and he slept til 8.30.

My exSIL is taking DS1 and DD out for a bit early afternoon, so I can hopefully catch an extra nap with Caspian then.

I had to text twunt as he kept on texting me asking when he could see the baby, and got to the stage of giving me times over the weekend. I replied saying that Caspian's needs have to come before his wants at the moment, and Caspian needs a calm, happy mummy to ensure his needs are met, and that seeing twunt would cause me immense distress given I have now discovered the extent of deception and behaviour, and also given that his response to my texting him about that was to send a woman 48 hours post partum after a hideous pg and long labour was to send a nasty and selfish text back. I let him know that my family support worker will be in touch in a fortnight to liaise with him. Hopefully he won't take this as another weapon but I expect my name is dirtier than ever amongst him and his friends/fuckbuddies.

It is so SO hard to maintain this calmness and focus, and to keep pouring oil onto the raging stormy seas inside me. I feel so utterly betrayed and let down. I invited him to be part of the most intimate experience a woman has, let him be there, because I trusted what he had said, and felt it was the right thing to do. Still having awful dreams, and wish I could have him erased from my memory like in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Oh to be a contented little one week old baby, sleeping on a play mat with no concerns or worries.

Just managed to upload a couple of photos, including one of acrobat in his special waves blanket....thanks to everyone who donated wool for that - he loves it as much as the other!

wordyBird Sat 03-Aug-13 12:02:40

Beautiful....

smile

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 03-Aug-13 12:05:06

Another wonderful set of photos waves what a Prince Charming he is.

Unlike someone else.

Love the image of you playing and Caspian happy to listen.

Ezio Sat 03-Aug-13 12:10:54

Oh Waves, he makes my heart melt, hes so beautiful, much like his mummy.

FobblyWoof Sat 03-Aug-13 12:30:24

God waves he's absolutely gorgeous smile

shiningcadence Sat 03-Aug-13 12:55:31

waves, you know that saying 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger'? Massive cliche I know, but it is true and this experience will make you a much stronger person.

Never again will a twunty shit of a man darken your door. And you're much stronger regarding your mum having been through this I think.

Of course I wish you hasn't been through all this shit and that twunt was the man you thought he was. But he wasn't and you have dealt with that IMO better than anyone else on this planet would've dealt with it: strength, dignity and kindness - being the better person when you could've told him to bugger off. You've been brill.

I sincerely wish that your character will never be tested the way it has these past 9 months waves but you know now that you can do it, you can cope. That's YOU. YOU alone without twunt or your mum or anyone else.

Thumbwitch Sat 03-Aug-13 13:57:31

Such a darling little sweetie he is! And the waves blanket looks lovely around him too wink

Please please please forget about Twunt being at the birth - just downgrade him to the level of trainee cleaner or something and whitewash him out. You did completely the right thing re. access visits as well - with a bit of luck, Twunt will lose interest.

Well done on the cake and oh, I just bet it's a massive relief to be able to want to eat and to look forward to your food again! Hurrah! thanks

TiredFeet Sat 03-Aug-13 14:04:40

hope you manage to get some much deserved sleep this afternoon Waves

as for twunt being at the birth, I am sorry that your subsequent horrible discoveries are making you (understandably) have regrets about this. but try not to beat yourself up about it, it felt like the right thing to do at the time and maybe in time it will be nice for Caspian to know that his dad was there at his birth too. I think you are handling the current pestering by twunt very well, you must look after yourself and Caspian as the priority.

MissStrawberry Sat 03-Aug-13 15:07:17

I don't think Waves does regret having him there and it wouldn't be helpful to imply it as then she may feel she does. Forgive me for speaking about you Waves. You have been through so much, you don't need more crap added on.

AgathaF Sat 03-Aug-13 15:40:14

He is so beautiful. You must be immensely proud of him and of yourself for building him smile.

Thumbwitch Sat 03-Aug-13 15:47:03

MissStrawberry - in Waves' own words: "But I am so gutted that I opened up to him, and that I let him be there with me, at the most vulnerable and intimate of times."

MissStrawberry Sat 03-Aug-13 15:53:05

I don't see that the same as regret, Thumbwitch, but obviously don't speak for Waves. I am just anxious to not have her feeling worse than she already does.

springytotty Sat 03-Aug-13 15:55:51

oooh! oooh! I can see one of my squares! <proud of self>

Waves he is just gorgeous. Look at that button chin!

I do appreciate the shock and trauma of the betrayal, waves . I have been very badly betrayed and ime there's not a lot you can do about it but weather it until you begin to get over it. It is like a bereavement - so go easy on yourself, be kind to yourself. ime it knocked the stuffing out of me for a while - it may not be the same for you; but it also brought me the most peace I've ever experienced in my life. Something about being clubbed so hard I kind of let go.. I must have had quite an iron grip on life, or something..

So there's a silver lining in every incomprehensibly painful situation imo (not that we'd volunteer for it!!). NOt least, you have that completely gorgeous boy - what a joy. I hope he goes on being a true joy for you, waves , regardless what the next weeks/months bring along <3

Hope I'm not being tactless so say that, though. How are your other two? I hope you team waves settles into something really lovely and special as time goes on xxxx

captainmummy Sat 03-Aug-13 15:55:58

Been away for a week - and what a week!

Congratualtions, waves, and caspian. Much love to you all.

pointythings Sat 03-Aug-13 17:39:35

He's so adorable... And I'm very glad the mat is coming in handy grin.

WingDefence Sat 03-Aug-13 21:22:28

Oh wow - look at that cute little round chin! Awww grin

Jux Sat 03-Aug-13 21:28:55

He just gets cuteR, doesn't he?!

CounselorTroi Sat 03-Aug-13 21:51:11

he really is the mot beautiful child isn't he.

He is so lovely my heart keeps melting. As are DS1 and DD who are being great. They are completely besotted with him smile I was a bit worried about DS1 for the first day or so - no longer being my only boy etc, but he is now so much happier, and just loves to sit and stroke Caspian's head. They have also been amazingly helpful round the house today.

In terms of twunt at the birth, no I don't think I exactly regret it - I would be having more "what if" moments, if he hadn't been there. I am just disappointed that the man I thought was there, was clearly not. He is a nastier person than I thought, and that disappoints me. But, I did what I thought was best for the baby, and for him, and partly for me. The hope has gone now, but I don't really regret it - I DID have a truly beautiful birth. He has seen me in a state that probably no one else ever will, and that is something that makes me feel more vulnerable now, knowing what I have subsequently learned about him, but I also think I was strong and calm during the birth so have nothing to be ashamed of.

My SIL and MIL came round today and took just DD for an outing (DS1 was shy). She had a brilliant time and I had a lovely break - a little snooze too (albeit about 15 minutes only) Then they stopped by for a drink and cuddles, and had a huge bag of presents for Caspian - he is going to be well turned out in the 3 - 6 months stage. They have offered more help which is lovely.

SIL had no idea about twunt's letter saying he loved me, and I think now realises why I am so hurt and have been so confused. He has not mentioned anything like that to them, so I guess he was genuinely just playing a game with me. Or something.

Anyway, I don't want to dwell on that - I have an extremely hungry little boy who seems to be feeding every 20 minutes at the moment so I am off to sort him out, and maybe grab some sleep!

WingDefence Sat 03-Aug-13 22:51:21

Hope you have a good night's sleep (me too!) smile

maras2 Sat 03-Aug-13 22:58:21

Your baby is beautiful,Waves.Best wishes to you and your family.

FiftyShadesofGreyMatter Sun 04-Aug-13 05:06:04

Caspian is sooo scrumptious looking, bless his little heart smile

JaxTellerIsAllMine Sun 04-Aug-13 08:12:01

Morning. Daily brewbrewbrewbrewbrewthanks

Travelling today so won't be on until much later but wanted to let you know what a superstar mum you are. Not to mention a good egg in general.

Such admiration for you waves.

BIWI Sun 04-Aug-13 08:17:00

What lovely pictures! He is scrumptious.

I'm glad that your MIL/SIL are offering you support as well.

I had 4 hours solid sleep last night grin and I work have had another longer stretch had DS1 and DD not woken me up. Feel amazing for it.

I've now done my first post-baby gig. Caspian was good as gold, fed right on cue and was mostly in the sling whilst I was playing. Bit tired now as what with getting there and back he has been in the sling for 3 hours. It went really well though, and even my playing is better since I'm not pregnant. I don't think I realised what a drastic effect the HG had on every part of me. DD and DS1 were fabulous, carried my gear and the changing bag and were so kind offering help at every opportunity, so I just treated them both to a homemade ice cream sundae.

I have no plans for tomorrow, today has been quite intense, so it will probably be something of a duvet day again.

I definitely feel stronger. No longer getting upset by TB (who hangs up now on me when I say that I don't need or want her to take DD and DS1 out, and didn't get me any flowers either) and although its still very lonely and overwhelming, I'm managing aren't I.

Thumbwitch Sun 04-Aug-13 15:59:55

You are more than managing, Waves. You are doing brilliantly well, congratulations! HAve some thanks. And possibly even a little wine later today. wink Hurrah for DD and DS1 being nice and helpful too, and even bigger Hurrah for Caspian for behaving so well for you!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 04-Aug-13 16:40:34

Lovely updates waves smile glad your DCs are so welcoming to their baby brother, they must ordinarily feel very loved and secure not to begrudge him your attention.

themidwife Sun 04-Aug-13 16:45:06

You certainly are managing extremely well! TB & twunt only have their own interests at heart disguised as "help" so there is payback if you allow them in, ie manipulation & control.

Well done! smile

MissStrawberry Sun 04-Aug-13 17:33:55

Hurray for 4 hours sleep!!!!

Hurray for children who are lovely and helpful and adore their baby brother!!!!

Hurray for no regrets. Wasted emotion as you can't change things.

Hurray for Baby liking Mummy playing and for it being easier!!!

Hurray!!!!

McButtonwillow Sun 04-Aug-13 18:47:43

You are doing amazingly waves I am in awe xx

mistlethrush Sun 04-Aug-13 19:18:59

I'm glad everything went well Waves! And the playing too! And the sleep!!!

You're more than managing. I'm so glad that everything's starting to be easier now the HG is over.

CurlyFox Sun 04-Aug-13 20:06:27

Hi waves sorry been busy this weekend just checking in on you. Glad you are getting some sleep I still think you are some kind of Wonder Woman. There is no way I could've done what you are doing when I was breastfeeding both my girls I was shattered nothing would've got me out to do gigs..but then that just shows what a truly amazing woman you are!

springytotty Sun 04-Aug-13 22:24:12

yes, you are doing amazingly well. Well done dear waves.

I would love to have been there at the concert.

sounds like you're all hunkering down and enjoying your lovely little family. Who made your kids so lovely and sensible like that, waves? it was you.

Well done, well done, well done. flowers

I hope he sleeps well tonight. Feeling a bit emotionally fragile - I think mostly because it was such a busy day, and, well, when I look back to a year ago, I never imagined that this was where my journey was leading to. I feel stupid for STILL being upset about everything, but then I think it is sort of like a grieving process, and that takes a very long time, as I know as I still miss my dad, and still have moments of sobbing and that was over 2 years ago.

It's a bit lonely at this time of the evening, wondering whether cluster feeding is finished, or whether there is another one (or two) (or three) to go before hopefully a few solid hours of sleep. I think I'll take him upstairs, get him into a sleepsuit, and see if after that he will have a good feed and sleep. Ironically, last night I actually put him in the little moses basket and he slept the best so far confused Maybe my bed is a bit too big for him and he preferred the snugness of the basket? Anyway, if he is happy, then I am happy, and we do at least have the option to switch between the two.

Tomorrow I am not going out at all, other than maybe just down to the local shop. We are however going to do some baking, C's feeding permitting. I am going to try and do a homemade coffee and walnut cake, and DD is desperate to make a lemon drizzle cake (I don't have any lemons which is why we might have to go to the shop).

Oh I wish I could stop feeling sad...

Allalonenow Sun 04-Aug-13 22:49:29

Oh so very pleased for you that your concert went well, what a star you are waves!
Your DD and DS1 sound lovely children, what a strong family team the four of you will be.
Hope you have got cake, and that you rest as much as you can.
Sweet dreams, dear waves.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 04-Aug-13 22:56:03

flowers waves what a talent you have, well done. It is hard to banish sad thoughts but you sound stronger every day.

Now, a less intense day tomorrow, sweet dreams.

Allalonenow Sun 04-Aug-13 23:01:54

Must have x posted with you waves.
It's natural to feel sad just now, your hormones will be giving you a helter skelter ride, also your whole planned life is in a state of flux; how could you feel whatever "normal" is?

But, you have your wonderful older children, your beautiful baby, your musical talent, and above all your own indomitable spirit.

Also I think that that all the months of sickness will have depleted your emotional and physical strength, so you need to rest to build that all up again.

Take care, sleep tight.

AgathaF Mon 05-Aug-13 07:41:54

It's so understandable that you feel sad, but you should also feel some joy too at what you have achieved and how well you are coping.

Hope the baking is fun.

WingDefence Mon 05-Aug-13 07:56:02

Morning lovely lady! C would have heard you playing throughout his time inside and I bet he finds it totally soothing now smile

Have a lovely relaxing day brew

I thought I'd posted this last night but it didn't work...

I have spent the last two days reading your threads from the start of your journey in jan and I just had to say what an amazing woman you are waves whether you always feel like you are or not. I am totally and utterly in awe of you.

Hope you got some sleep and caspian is gorgeous! And your other dc are a credit to you. You will come through the other side of all this I have no doubt. X

I think today may become a baking marathon.... Heavy rain and inspired DCs so looks like cake, flapjacks and gingerbread are on the menu! Well, provided at least some of them are freezable....

Barely any sleep last night, C switched to Southern Hemisphere time. When I did sleep the bad dreams featuring twunt had developed into full blown nightmares. Woke up crying and sweating and shaking sad

BUT I do have the most lovely little family now. And the gorgeous tiny thing sleeping on the giraffe changing mat right beside me on the bed grew in me..... All that sickness and nausea and time in hospital and painful cannulas etc was worth it. Especially when I see my older DCs beaming with love and holding their baby brother. It was a hard pregnancy for them too. I grew this little man, with no support from twunt, quite the opposite until he left actually.

I'm going to yawn my way through some recipes.... I'm product testing rapeseed oil at the moment, so trying to replace butter in baking and cooking with oil. The sponge cake was great so will see if the other things work out.

Keep forgetting to say, but Caspian adores his blankets.... He's been just in a vest during the night, with one or other blanket. So warm and soft and full of love smile

springytooty Mon 05-Aug-13 08:20:18

Grieving is a pain eh - but there's only one way, and that's through (I could grumble myself about that tbh...)

But you get good days and bad days. go with them all, live in the moment. NOt easy to do if you're a planner but, ultimately, a good life skill who cares about life skills at times like this though, we just want to feel alright, back on our perch This too shall pass (it always does..)

I hope you're getting better weather than us - we've gone rainy and cold. Which is usual for blighty but a shock after the almost tropical weather we've had for a month (we were spoilt).

Lemon drizzle cake sounds yum xxx

He's writing me a letter to explain everything, apparently. He told me that by text last night. So, of course, since last night and all day I have been fretting about when I will get the letter, how I will receive the letter, and what will be in the letter sad

At least the sunshine came out and the rain stopped, and I have baked all morning between feeds. So there are masses of flapjacks, and tons of coffee and walnut cake with coffee and buttercream icing in my kitchen! I actually froze half the flapjacks and half the sponge cake (I made FAR too much and ended up having to cook an extra couple.....) so we will be well in with treats for ages. I think DD still wants to make gingerbread men (or biscuits, as we don't have cutters for men) but I will play that by ear as I think I just hit a wall of exhaustion.

Lemon drizzle cake and chocolate brownies (DS1's choice) will probably have to wait until tomorrow.

captainmummy Mon 05-Aug-13 14:12:38

How many 'I's do we think will be in that letter? How many 'you did/didn't' and how much blame onto you?

angry

I suggest you write him a letter, based on your threads here. You don't need to send it

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 05-Aug-13 14:19:01

A letter, oh! That'll be helpful for lining a cat's litter tray or possibly just the once shredding for bedding in a guinea pig's cage.

AgathaF Mon 05-Aug-13 14:35:14

Try not to worry about the contents of the letter. In reality, there is far, far too much for him to explain, so whatever he writes will be minimising rubbish. Not worth the paper it's on or the worry either.

Glad you are enjoying the baking. That's something you couldn't have imagined doing a month ago smile.

Thumbwitch Mon 05-Aug-13 15:00:35

Oh My Lord, he's writing you a letter? To what end? Seriously, the guy is unbefuckinglievable. It isn't going to "explain everything" - all it's going to do is allow him to make you feel more like shit, tell you how much of this is down to you, add in some extra recriminations for good measure, and let you know how sad HE is about it all. It will be all "himhimhim wah wah wah!" and will be UTTER DRIVEL and pointless.

Do you have a shredder?

AgathaF - I don't think there's far too much for him to explain at all - I think it's quite simple, he's a bastard and that's kind of it. A bastard who thought he was onto a good thing and "cracked the shits" (as Aussie mates of mine say) when his "good thing" started to go tits up.

MissStrawberry Mon 05-Aug-13 15:08:43

Waves, do you want a letter from him? If not, bin it when it comes. Or, if you feel there is a tiny chance there might be something relevant in it could you ask someone else to read it who can filter out the crap I am sure will be in there and tell you what if anything is relevant?

Doha Mon 05-Aug-13 15:19:36

I would be tempted to sent it back unopened. There cannot possibly be anything useful in it probably all excuses and blame placed firmly at your door.
You don't need this at all.
You have your precious wee family and are coping so well, don't let him into your headspace at all.
I am so glad Caspian loves his blanket--l was a bit afraid you could change your mind about the initial of his first name--luckily you didn't grin

Now go eat some cake, that's an order, to make up for all that you missed while growing our acrobat.

themidwife Mon 05-Aug-13 15:43:50

More mind fuckery I'm afraid! I know it'll be tempting to open it but please shred unread. He has what he wanted. No need for further communication right now. Caspian is too young to be separated from you & your boobs & if you don't want to see him it's tough really!

I just don't know..... Nothing I can do til I receive it anyway.

In the meantime I am officially a human milk machine so it's good I baked this morning. Hurrah for Lansinoh (thanks wing for the extra supplies, received today) and for the next week I'm sort of looking after the HG support thread as the usual superstar who takes care of everyone there is away, so I'm stepping in... So what with a newborn and baking and the HG group, I will have plenty to occupy me.

GoodtoBetter Mon 05-Aug-13 16:11:15

I lurk a lot waves and am blown away b your amazingness. Try not to fret about the letter, he's such a arse, he's quite likely never to actually write it in the end.
Maybe ou could get some biscuit cutters from www.lakeland.co.uk? I think they post fairly cheaply?

GoodtoBetter Mon 05-Aug-13 16:12:47
captainmummy Mon 05-Aug-13 16:40:02

It will be all him him him, blame firmly on you, and there will be nothing in it that you can usefully use. He is NOT coming back, you don't WANT him back, there is no marriage any more - nothing he can say will change any of that.

All it will do is open old wounds, re-toxify your life and get in your head.

It's you and your own little family now. I really hope you re-visit your plans to move to the mainland, far far away from him.

AgathaF Mon 05-Aug-13 16:53:40

I think the letter is to get your attention in a new way. Texts, face-to-face etc are all not working for him at the moment, so this is a new tactic. Please treat it as just that. Nothing he can say will change what he has done, and what he continues to do, to you and your three children. This is not him turning over a new leaf - it's him forcing his toxic presence into your life yet again, because it suits him to at this moment.

MissStrawberry Mon 05-Aug-13 17:37:03

He really is so deluded, or stupid, that he thinks a letter with all the crap it will contain is really going to get him back in your life. Even if it is a genuine letter of apology it is too little too late and there isn't anything he can do to make up for what he has done to you and your children. Your next step, imho, should be divorce.

shiningcadence Mon 05-Aug-13 19:14:53

Could your support worker read it for you and then relay anything that might be relevant/of importance i.e regarding maintenance or contact with C? And not relay anything that is abusive or written to make you feel guilty/play on your heart strings. If you don't want your support worker to read it maybe forwarding it to one of us and getting us to do the same thing? There was a poster upthread (sorry can't remember who it was) who said that she used to do this for another mnetter.

My support worker just went on holiday for a fortnight sad well, not sad for her obviously but means a bit of a wait. Letter may never even materialise and then ill be fretting for longer over nothing. Sigh. DS1 and DD have declared my coffee and walnut cake to be epic. Trouble is I kind of combined a few recipes/made it up as I went along so goodness knows how I will make that again.

I'm shattered, hoping for a bit more sleep tonight. If that doesn't materialise I'm postponing tomorrows baking session and planning to try to nap instead.

WingDefence Mon 05-Aug-13 19:25:55

You're more than welcome waves smile

If/when the letter arrives I wouldn't bother reading it. Send it on to one of us, not to open obviously, for safekeeping (in case of future legal action eg?). Then you don't have to worry about what's inside or when it may arrive as you know that when it does it will hold no power over you.

On a different point, I quite fancy a bit of your cake now! Mmmm. [why is there no cake icon hmm ]

AgathaF Mon 05-Aug-13 19:54:54

Personally waves, if you've accepted that your relationship with him is over, then I might be tempted to text him and say that you don't wish to receive any letters from him, or indeed any correspondence of an unnecessary nature in future. It's ridiculous that he can upset you like this whenever and however he chooses.

I hope you ate plenty of cake yourself. It must feel so lovely to be able to eat again.

Wishing you a peaceful and sleep-filled night.

thegreylady Mon 05-Aug-13 20:49:37

What an absolutely scrumptious baby flowers

mistlethrush Mon 05-Aug-13 20:57:19

I made an absolutely epic ginger cake one time... trouble is that I think I started on one recipe and finished on the one on the opposite page. So I've never been able to replicate it!

Letter... I think the 'text' saying you don't wish to receive it is a good idea. We already know how it will be full of how badly you were treating him (between throwing up) and that your children were running wild whilst his were hard done by....

springytooty Mon 05-Aug-13 21:10:34

Perfect responses from posters re the letter - especially Doha 's

I would be tempted to sent it back unopened. There cannot possibly be anything useful in it probably all excuses and blame placed firmly at your door.
You don't need this at all.
You have your precious wee family and are coping so well, don't let him into your headspace at all.

Look how much time and headspace this impending so-say-important letter has already taken up! You are settling into a lovely, peaceful space... and along he comes, stirring up anxiety. You just don't. need. this. (It will probably contain The List, anyway re The List of What Is Wrong With You.... TIRESOME TIRESOME TIRESOME)

I know it's tempting but pleeeease don't read it waves! Please? <pleading>. I can't see that there would be anything of any constructive use, and very probably some horrible stuff as well, sending you into yet another spin. You've done enough spinning.

It may be hard for you to send it back - maybe put it in a box and bury it somewhere. I have read enough 'letters' in my lifetime that I sincerely wish I had never read: sick people who want to pour their poison over one. Enough already.

TiredFeet Mon 05-Aug-13 21:16:03

wow he doesn't get to just leave you in peace at all does he! agree that it might be wise to shred it / send it back unopened (but obviously do what you feel you need to)

loving the sound of all your baking! it must be lovely to be able to enjoy food again after everything

fingers crossed you get some decent sleep tonight

Thumbwitch Tue 06-Aug-13 07:13:19

Look at it like this Waves - the letter isn't going to contain anything either nice or useful. In fact, it's going to be as much worth waiting for as a wankstained tissue - so put of out of your mind.

Bummer re epic cake being non-reproducible!

springytooty Tue 06-Aug-13 08:27:45

He is cruel, waves - bear that in mind.

Hope you had a good sleep last night xx

shiningcadence Tue 06-Aug-13 08:45:24

Sorry to bring up the letter business again, but I think that if you did decide that you wanted your support worker to read it for you as I mentioned upthread, then a week wait won't matter. I don't think anything in the letter will be urgent information. If you wanted one of us to do the same I would be willing to do it for you - though understand you may feel it's potentially too private to share with another person.

shiningcadence Tue 06-Aug-13 08:46:15

&#346;orry, a 2 week wait won't matter

Oh shit. He asked this am to be sent some photos, I obliged and sent him loads and asked when he'd start paying maintenance.

He's gone on a big rant saying he can't afford £300 a month, and that at most it is only costing me £30 a month to care for this baby, and he won't be financially responsible anyway if he can't have regular unsupervised access.

(Because I don't have a huge mortgage to pay to keep a roof over this baby's head or anything confused) And he CAN'T have the access he wants because I am EBF on demand a tiny baby! He really cannot sink any lower in my estimation now.

I know that the courts regard maintenance and access as completely separate issues, and can't believe that he had reduced me to tears AGAIN at the prospect of having to go to court about flipping maintenance.

I am so disappointed in myself for ever trusting him, for falling for him in the first place and failing to see through the facade. I went through all this crap with my exH, and cannot believe it is happening again, and my son is only 10 days old.

The letter will be totally meaningless, he is a poor excuse for a man with NO morals, NO empathy and not a kind bone in his body.

I need tissues and cannot bring myself to do any baking.

Ezio Tue 06-Aug-13 10:48:27

He must be as thick as shit if he thinks his son is a pay per view child.

And that it only cost 30 a month to raise a baby, that his is from a father.

Now i wonder how he gets dressed in the morning, do his pants end up on his head.

Thick tosser!!!

oldwomaninashoe Tue 06-Aug-13 10:50:35

Oh Waves, don't let him upset you he is not worth your tears, he is not fit to be on the sole of your shoe!

Oh, because I am exclusively breastfeeding, and will be moving to reusable nappies in the next couple of weeks, that is why it costs £30 maximum to raise the baby. He has also been so cruel to say that I "planned" this baby long before I met him. He KNOWS (as I shared a long long time ago) that just 2 months before we got together I had a termination due to my discovering my ex boyfriend was cheating on me, and me knowing that I couldn't afford nor face being a single mum to 3, especially with my history of problematic pregnancies. And yes, I am really emotional still about that, it was a decision that was SO HARD to make, and then he says that I planned the baby long before him, when he knows what I did, and then he was a total cock anyway, and I'm where I was so scared of being, and having had the worst pregnancy totally unsupported. I just want to fly away with my little ones and not be here. How can he be so hideously unkind?

TigerSwallowTail Tue 06-Aug-13 10:59:32

Phone the CSA and let him argue with them, as you say, maintenance and access are two completely different things.

skyeskyeskye Tue 06-Aug-13 11:12:10

Just put the maintenance into the hands of the CSA and then ignore any rantings from him about it.

He is a total knob isn't he.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 06-Aug-13 11:25:18

He thought he had a nice cosy set up, probably thought it would take far longer to conceive Caspian than it did, took fright when he saw his share of your assets slipping away, and looked for escape. Only a self serving twunt could turn tail and run, only a bell-end could whine on about his own son needing maintenance when he is a feckless cocklodger who under-estimated waves every step of the way.

AgathaF Tue 06-Aug-13 11:58:42

Yet more of his true colours. Not a surprise really, that again it's all about him - he won't pay unless he has unsupervised access. Typically no thoughts whatsoever about the baby concerned.

I read that also as that he's not that bothered about access really, if he leaps to that decision so quickly. Which in the long run, might be better all round for you and Caspian.

I do really hope you are going to give consideration to moving away, to the mainland if it's cheaper, away from the toxic influences of him and your mother.

auntpetunia Tue 06-Aug-13 12:06:29

Does the CSA cover where you are? If yes phone them and leave all the hassle to them if not, which I think I remember as being correct then keep the texts and forward to your solicitor or whoever you have to get in touch with re maintenance.

He's a bastard and not worth to be Caspians daddy! C will be better off without him.

Definitely move …didn't you get head hunted a while ago? Time to act on it.

Big hugs to you and your family

MissStrawberry Tue 06-Aug-13 12:13:09

Waves, I am going to be firm but you know this is said with care.

Stop any more interaction with this man. DO NOT give him anything else. No more photos, time, texts, thoughts. Get yourself to the solicitor and sort the divorce. Maintenance is nothing to do with access the fucking thick twat. It is not up to him how much he gives the BABY to live on or how much he sees him. He isn't paying a fucking admission fee to see something he has to provide financially for his child.

You need to get tough and get legal. You really need to realise this man is not who you thought he was and is NEVER going to change into the man you thought he was.

He wanted you to about Caspian.
He made his kids treat you like shit.
He cheated on you.
He did nothing to help when you were suffering when pregnant.
He has made your life hell for God knows how long and is continuing to do so. STOP letting him.

I know it is hard. I have 3 kids and a husband yet still struggle. But I have no one else so know how alone you must feel at times but for your own sake you have to stop hoping for a happy ever after.

You need to get legal advice and protection as he is never going to do the right thing.

Ezio Tue 06-Aug-13 12:15:24

Also, this sounds really harsh, but he said he wanted a daughter, the thought of that man being a father, is bad enough, since hes doing a stellar job of raising his older sons to be like him, i feel sad for their future, but him being a father to a girl, i dread that thought, and imagine the kind of shit that he would accept her to put up with, i mean, how can a man like him, he has a disgusting attitude to women, not teach his daughter to put up with the crap his inflicted on Waves.

MissStrawberry Tue 06-Aug-13 12:15:47

abort not about. So mad I can't type properly.

MissStrawberry Tue 06-Aug-13 12:18:54

Waves, if you were to take that head hunted job the chances are you would never have the see this vile bully again as he won't be arsed with the travel to see Caspian....

ChasedByBees Tue 06-Aug-13 12:45:45

He is a pig. Listen to MissStrawberry, she's very wise.

Quick update before I properly read replies.... Caspian and I are discharged from the midwives and he's an ounce over birth weight so is 7lb 4 at 10 days old. Woohoo for the breastfeeding working despite being sore at times.

I also found another lucky 7 in his birth date, as it is exactly 7 weeks before DD's birthday.

springytooty Tue 06-Aug-13 13:25:04

Good auspices then is that the right context for 'auspices' you know what I mean! All the 7s!

can't believe that he had reduced me to tears AGAIN

But I can. We all can. This is ALL he will do, all he intends to do. He is the very lowest of the low.

Pick yourself up dear woman. You know you are made of strong stuff. Cut him off, totally. NO more contact, on any pretext. None. Not a drop. YOur lovely son will thank you for it.

Thumbwitch Tue 06-Aug-13 13:41:37

Lovely lady, remember that your hormones are contributing to your level of vulnerability now as well, so the tears come very easily.

The thing you have to do for yourself now, seriously, is this:
Knock all hope that Twunt will morph into a decent human on the head NOW

He messages, you get your hopes up. You think "He is interested, he cares!" You ask about money - he effectively tells you to get fucked. Your hope is dashed again and it causes tears.

Stop hoping. He is a grade 1 bastard and is always going to be that.

I do love that you have found another "lucky seven" for Caspian - he is going to be wonderful, and probably far better with having you as a single mum and without all the shit that Twunt causes than having the both of you together.

You ARE doing this - you CAN do this - it's not ideal for you, but you ARE MANAGING.

I really hope you're still considering moving. smile

MissStrawberry Tue 06-Aug-13 13:44:56

Hurray for discharge! See what a good job you are doing.

Hurray for weight gain! See what a good job you are doing.

Hurray for another 7! See how good you are at bringing luck to yourself through all the shit certain people are trying to throw at you.

themidwife Tue 06-Aug-13 15:41:10

Access & maintenance are two different issues. He can petition for a contact order. He is likely to get only 2 x 1 hour a week visiting the baby under supervision at best. Meanwhile the courts will take 25% of his income & divide it between you & his other ex - she will get 2/3 of that & you 1/3. If you don't have CSA there you need to apply to court NOW & ask for it to be back dated to Caspian's DOB plus costs.

shiningcadence Tue 06-Aug-13 16:06:52

If it is CSA you have there I would phone NOW waves because I'm sure they will start the claim from the time you made the phone call/application, rather than the day Caspian was born. I know it's shit that you have to deal with it this way rather than have twunt be sensible and amicable but please get it done so that he isn't getting away with not paying. How bloody dare he try to get out of paying for a son that he created, that he chose to create with you. What an utter bastard twatting pig. And how the hell does £30 cover everything a child needs?!? What an idiot. As well as bills, clothes, baby accessories etc what about the earnings you'll be losing by being at home with Caspian?!

Please don't let him get to you though lovely, that's what he wants. He enjoys playing emotional games. Listen to what others have said, do not engage at all.

You should be proud of yourself for trying to going along the amicable route and you can take comfort in the fact that you tried for little Caspian's sake but he has thrown everything you've ever offered back in your face. Now is the time to get serious because yours and Caspian's wellbeing depends on it. No contact with twunt unless it's through the CSA or equivalent. He has no contact with Caspian unless he wants to take you to court. You have tried to be reasonable - he's knocked you back every time. Make sure you keep documentation of any emails, letters, texts etc to show the court especially of you making reasonable offers and him rejecting them.

Dressingdown1 Tue 06-Aug-13 16:50:50

I think he knows how to upset you, Waves, try to rise above his nasty little digs Obviously he is cross about the request for maintenance, specially as he knows you and Caspian are entitled to it!

So sorry he keeps being so unpleasant to you. I would just tell him that if he won't talk to you sensibly you will get legal advice. Oh and don't read his letter, you don't need any extra grief.

I really admire your strength and courage. You will come through this difficult time and you will be stronger and happier in the long run.

No CSA here (which is why my exH has got away with not paying maintenance in well over 5 years now, since he moved away from here). So it is the legal route which is expensive and will involve meetings etc. Can't face that just yet, no matter how much I am managing, the added stress of full blown proceedings in the last thing I need when we are still getting to grips with the basics like feeding and sleeping. And I think it is massively unfair, but twunt probably thinks why should HE have to pay maintenance when DS1 and DD's dad doesn't. But I don't think it is fair that he is paying nearly £600 a month to his ex and begrudges paying me anything. Just not the stress I need at the moment.

On a happier note, I got balloons today - from my mum! She was really upset for me when she heard the place I play at every Sunday didn't even bother to get me a card on the birth of my newest son, despite my giving up 6 months of Sundays every year for 5 years now to play...and then asked who had sent flowers, and I said, well, none have actually been sent, I had two lovely bunches brought round by visiting friends. She was really gutted and said she didn't bother as she assumed I'd be inundated. Anyway, she got me a bunch of balloons with a toy for Caspian tied to them, and got DS1 and DD a big brother/big sister balloon too.

Hungry chops is stirring again, (he is now also a healthy yellow poo factory), and I am also needing to check in on the HG support thread, and continue with writing up my birth story in full (with photos, little text message extracts etc....) So I am planning to feed his hungriness then try and catch up with that, and make a start on thank you cards too. Although I expect that most of that will have to wait til tomorrow as it could well be cluster feeding time.

MissStrawberry Tue 06-Aug-13 19:14:25

Get a drink, some chocolate and snuggle up with Caspian and feed him. Don't worry about anything else.

WingDefence Tue 06-Aug-13 20:05:41

I'm going to steer clear of venting on here about twunt but yay for your mum for sending the balloons!

Glad that C is munching happily too grin I never thought I'd get to four months BFing after not succeeding very far with DS and I'm so glad you're getting there too.

Well done on 4 months Wing grin I am a stubborn mule when I need to be, and am quite determined to keep going, as I managed to 6 and 8 months EBM with DS1 and DD. Just ploughing on with latching techniques and lansinoh mostly. And cake.

And he's hungry again. Fingers crossed the cluster feeding bodes for a decent spell of sleep overnight

TigerSwallowTail Tue 06-Aug-13 20:25:35

What about the statutory child maintenance service with the DWP, would that apply for your area?

BerylStreep Tue 06-Aug-13 21:46:42

I am loving MissStrawberry's hurrays!

Hurray for Waves!

Hurray for cake!

Hurray that you got balloons!

Hurray for Lansinoh!

(trying desperately not to type anything bossy or negative, but please, please would you consider getting a new SIM and putting your old one into an old phone that you rarely need to look at, so you don't need to interact? Same with the letter - I know in my core that it will upset you, and if not, even worse, it could give you a sense of false (and cruel) hope - please don't open it). Even better, post your SIM to a friend.

Jux Tue 06-Aug-13 23:36:37

Entirely agree with Beryl re the sim. There is no need for you to be available to Twunt whenever he feels like it. Get a new sim for your everyday normal use, and keep the old sim so you can check it infrequently. If you could actually give it to someone else who would pop it into their phone occasionally so they can check his texts for you and relay facts to you, but not rants and spoilt brat crap, that would be great. I'd do it for you!

Well done on the bf front. I had to give up after 9days, and I spent quite a few years feeling so guilty about it. (Can't help thinking that if my mw had been different, I might have got a bit further. She really wasn't a fan.)

Hooray for balloons, cake, bf, and most of all, for you!

MissStrawberry Wed 07-Aug-13 09:37:30

How was your night Waves? Did Caspian stuff his face and then sleep? grin.

He didn't sleep so well last night, I had 3 hours sleep altogether.... And have only just sat down for the first time after such a buy day. We were all straight up and out for a newborn photo session which lasted over 4 hours (my heart dropped a bit when I saw how expensive it is to actually buy any photos after!) then popped to TB's house which didn't go too well. She is demanding tons of time taking Ds1 and DD out and my saying no causes her to go into a strop. Now she is also cross as I don't want her to hold a "meet caspian" party at her house, at which she will invite who she wants, at a time to suit her (but definitely an evening after working hours). Evenings are the worst possible time as that is when I am shattered and he is hungry. So I said no, why don't you let people contact me to arrange seeing him, which they can do on an individual basis at my house. Cue big hump! I also pointed out I don't feel remotely obligated to her friends and family given only 1 auntie (who's already met caspian anyway) and 1 uncle have sent a card, and this is out of 8. Anyway, determined to stand my ground as I don't need her barging back in and having mini strops because I don't bend immediately to her wishes.

After that, came home so my cousin and his wife and kids (the one who has been helping loads) could see caspian, and then the health visitor came too for his new baby check and a general chat. She spouted a load of rubbish about breastfeeding and it being essential to get c in a routine now and that there is no such thing as fore and hind milk. Cousins wife was sat next to me, she is an NCT breastfeeding counsellor so I knew that inside her jaw would be dropping.

Other than that, it went very well, I apparently excel at being a mum and no hint of pnd, I am, to quote the HV, chirpy as a buttercup smile I said, well who wouldn't be, I've had 11 days of not being or feeling sick after 9 months of feeling so ill just getting out of bed was an effort. And he passed his hearing test.

No idea what to do about twunt situation. Part of me still believes that deep down he is good, but that he has some major major problems which have got in the way. And I feel bad for him if he can't address those as he will never be happy, and I also realise that he has lost out hugely in losing me, whatever he says to his RL "friends" on Facebook about me. He knows he is making half of it up, and if they believe him, well, I guess I was guilty of that too, as I believed what he said about his ex having all these online affairs, and maybe she didn't. But at what stage do you disbelieve someone as a first instinct? Mine has always been to trust.

Argh. I'm not wavering, just pondering. And hoping I will have learned a lot from this experience, and that ill continue to be a good or even excellent mum.

My Homestart volunteer is coming Friday and has promised to take my recycling (no collections here, all has to be taken to the being banks and I can't honestly see how I can manage especially as DS and DD aren't talk enough to reach most of the bins to put stuff in)

Tomorrow I'm now allowing TB to take DS1 and DD to "give me a break". I don't need a break from my children and just want a quiet day with my new family, all of us together.

MissStrawberry Wed 07-Aug-13 19:22:34

You're already an excellent mum smile.

TigerSwallowTail Wed 07-Aug-13 19:25:37

I had a baby 9 weeks ago and my HV said don't even think about a routine until after 6 weeks, don't stress about what your HV says too much.

Jux Wed 07-Aug-13 20:05:10

Your hv sounds like she doesn't really have any idea of what she's talking about.

Except you ARE an excellent mum!

AgathaF Wed 07-Aug-13 20:07:43

It's all very well your HV saying get him in a routine grin but babies don't actually know the meaning of that word.

You know that you need to back off again from your mum, don't you. You have given an inch and, predictably, she has taken a mile, and will continue to do so.

I think you need to stop wondering what is wrong with twunt and why this all happened. I know that sounds harsh, but spending time wondering and considering is actually wasted time. He is what he is. He will bumble through life doing the same thing over and over to anyone he can. Best he is out of your life and out of your thoughts.

So lovely that you have your cousin for help and support.

Phone typing... I'm NOT allowing TB to take DS1 and DD tomorrow and have sent her a text confirming that.....

He's now sleeping on my knee so no chores for now!

themidwife Wed 07-Aug-13 21:10:24

Did I mention before FOG? Fear, Obligation, Guilt, regarding toxic parents (& spouses!) Once you let go of that you are free! Sounds to me like you are 99% there.

The last 1% is really believing that twunt IS TOTALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR & IN CONTROL OF HIS ACTIONS & NOT A VICTIM OF HIS "PAST" IN ANY WAY!

pointythings Wed 07-Aug-13 22:18:26

Even if Twunt's problems are due to terrible issues in his previous life (which I don't believe for a moment) they are still not your problem they are his. If he wants to admit that he is a crap person for x,y and z reasons then it is his duty to seek help, not to take it out on the people around him.

Your HV sounds shocking. My DDs didn't develop a routine until they were about 4 months and even then it was led by them and we just tweaked it a little. Demand feeding is definitely the way to go. A friend of mine (who is very lovely and I still get on with her but we don't agree on everything) once asked me when 3 mo DD2 needed a feed 'You're not still demand feeding, are you?', to which I replied 'No, I just like to air my boobs out regularly'. She never said anything again, bless her.

By my reckoning you're now dealing with the 10 day growth spurt so you can expect Caspian not to sleep much and to want loads of feeding. It will settle, and then there's the 3 week one, the 6 week one (which is horrendous), the 12 week one and the 16 week one (which is killer). And so on. But you will cope, because you are fantastic.

Thanks for the reassurance re HV, am just about to try to get my head down after feeding for pretty much 5 hours solid! I'm going to demand feed and ignore her advice!

Fingers crossed I get at least an hour of sleep now

mistlethrush Wed 07-Aug-13 23:08:17

Babies do have a routine - its just that its not remotely connected to any known method of measuring time.... Eat, sleep, poo, eat, eat a bit more, poo, sleep... My HV was lovely - but she didn't help in anyway - and the best visit was the one where she said 'I won't make another appointment for you, just drop in if you have any worries or want him weighed' and left me to it grin

Well done on the text to TB. And the discussions re the party - she can arrange it if she wants, but you don't need to turn up if it doesn't suit you wink

If twunt has problems, they're his problems and they don't need to be yours any more.

Thumbwitch Thu 08-Aug-13 04:56:38

I agree with MT (Surprise! grin) - DS2 had his own routines but he ran to a 26/7 hour day, not 24. Makes it a little harder!
Best book I ever read was How Not To Be a Perfect Mum by Libby Purves. It's basically a manual for benign neglect, I think and allowed me to enjoy the "routine-free" time with both DS1 and DS2 (not quite so easy).

Now this:
"Part of me still believes that deep down he is good, but that he has some major major problems which have got in the way. And I feel bad for him if he can't address those as he will never be happy, and I also realise that he has lost out hugely in losing me, whatever he says to his RL "friends" on Facebook about me. He knows he is making half of it up, and if they believe him, well, I guess I was guilty of that too, as I believed what he said about his ex having all these online affairs, and maybe she didn't. But at what stage do you disbelieve someone as a first instinct?"

I had an ex, who I knew from a young age. He had a troubled family background, his Dad was a real one for putting him down all the time, his Mum had her own issues - it gave him the perfect excuse to behave like an utter cunt and I would try to excuse him because of what I knew about his upbringing and family.
MASSIVE mistake. LOTS of people (including you!) have troubled family backgrounds - it doesn't make them all pathological liars with enormous chips on their shoulders that direct them to take-take-take and do whatever they like regardless of who it hurts. It took me a while to get past this; and to stop making excuses for him. I could construct whole scenarios around his lies to validate them; even when presented with 100% evidence that they were lies, I'd still find a way to excuse them.
I needed counselling to rebuild myself after this relationship ended - partly because I couldn't believe that I had been suckered in so badly! I still don't exactly know what drew me to him, but he was a classic EA - told me how much he'd always loved me, wanted to move in straight away, said he wanted to have babies with me within 3 months - so much shit.

Just going to repost your last point again:
"But at what stage do you disbelieve someone as a first instinct?"
Answer: every time he says anything, whether verbally or by text/email.

I know you're all loved up with Caspian, and part of you wants to share the joy with his sperm donor, but PLEASE remind yourself that he googled late abortions. That he abused you emotionally while you were sick and pregnant. That he allowed his sons to behave like little shits when all you needed was rest. This is someone who has NO "deep down goodness". There is no diamond in this particular bag of shit, he's shit all the way down.

In fact, it would be advisable for you to write down a list of all the truly bad things he did to you and print it out - keep one on your fridge, one on your mirror, one by your pillow. Remind yourself of how bad he actually was - because THAT is the true picture. That is who he IS.

themidwife Thu 08-Aug-13 05:06:52

Btw - agree completely ignore HV's advice. Utter bollocks! Of course you should demand feed. Of course there is foremilk & hindmilk. Of course Caspian will have different feeding patterns on different days for loads of reasons! Just go with the flow (literally!) as you have been & you will be doing the best for him.

Read the Lundy Bancroft book again if you can keep your eyes open Remember none of the angry & controlling men he worked for many years with had any excuse or justification for their behaviour. They were able to be "nice" to everyone else & made a choice to treat their partners/exes the way they did.

AgathaF Thu 08-Aug-13 07:40:48

So glad you have told TB she can't take your DC. Hopefully she will rein it in a bit now.

It's such a shame that their are still HVs etc out their spouting this nonsense. Not so bad for you waves because you're an experienced mum, but for a first time mum that would have been so confusing and potentially caused her to stop bf or to change to a stressful feeding regime, which would be such a shame. As it is, you know that the alternative to demand feeding is having a baby that screams when s/he is hungry until the clock says it is feed time. Utter madness.

captainmummy Thu 08-Aug-13 08:30:34

Waves I know you think he is basically good, deep down, but it is not your responsibility to find that good and expose it! He is his own responsibility; it's not up to you to 'fix' him.

Glad you are standing up to your mum - sounds like she is gradually getting back to her old ways.

springytooty Thu 08-Aug-13 08:37:57

imo one doesn't disbelieve, more hold off judgement. someone tells you a story, you really have no way of knowing whether it's true or not. It's important to hold back when a relationship is new, I think (not just romantic relationships imo). Let time tell the tale. It's not that you're distrusting, you're getting to know the person, and people are complex. You can support someone without necessarily believing (or disbelieving) their story imo.

I agree that there is no poor flaw in him that has caused him to behave like this. It is bog standard abuse - they do it because they can. There are any number of ways he could have processed his past. He chose to spin you along and then, when the proof of the pudding was needed, it became clear what he was really about. He's a shit through and through, waves - no poor, sad story behind him that makes him be a shit. I've a poor, sad story behind me and I don't behave like that, I'm not cruel and self-seeking, self-absorbed, self-obsessed, insisting my needs are met above all else. And neither are you. He has been unbelievably cruel to you waves and it isn't because he has a difficult past, it's because he's cruel.

Glad to hear you are keeping up the boundaries with pouty, spoilt TB. Blardy well done smile smile

MissStrawberry Thu 08-Aug-13 08:57:00

No no no no no no no no no no.

Whatever twunt went through in his life DOES NOT explain or excuse the despicable and disgraceful way he has treated you and your children. He has treated you like crap because he wanted too.

You feel it is because he had a shit upbringing or whatever because you are a decent person who tries to see the best in everyone because you always do your best and assume everyone else will too.

Ignore the HV. She is talking bollocks and even if she wasn't Caspian is your baby so YOU get to decide what happens.

<fist pumps the air, high kicks and collapses on the floor in a heap with suspected broken ribs and sprained ankle but she's still smiling>

So I demand fed all evening, then he slept after my last post, as did I, until 2.45 when he had a good feed, then again til 5.30, and after that til 8.30 grin in between times I had him swaddled in a sheet and he slept so beautifully.

I am pretty cross with the HV for precisely the reasons mentioned above (on phone with baby attached so can't name check) , as I am confident enough to ignore her, and trust that my baby and my body will actually work together to keep him well fed. She even said that if I keep demand feeding instead of going to 2 hourly feeds i will give up breastfeeding altogether confused She is very old school, made a passing comment when I mentioned my 4.5 hour discharge post delivery about mums being kept in hospital for 7 days when she was a midwife.

Anyway, he is having a really good feed still so I'm going to file that in the advice to ignore compartment. Just a concern that less experienced mums may feel obliged to let their tiny babies scream for hours based on this kind of information.

DD said something odd this morning which made me even more determined to pull right back from TB again (who is definitely trying to take a mile) even though I feel guilty doing so, given her health problems. Oh, and the fact she is telling people how awful I am for preventing her seeing DS1 and DD. well, one person at least as that person relayed it to me.... Anyway, DD asked when she could smack Caspian. I was a bit shocked but said, why ever would you want to smack a baby?! She said, oh I mean when he is a child and I'm bigger. Again, I said, well, why would you want to do that? She explained she just wondered when she could smack his bottom. I explained that we just don't smack, it's not the way to deal with situations which is why I get cross when they hit each other. And I reminded her that if a grown up hits another grown up, then that is something people could go to prison about and so how much worse to hit a child. She said, well, grandma smacks our bottoms. Christ. I know TB and this won't be a shocked, spur of the moment danger response kind of smack, but just a way of asserting authority and disciplining MY children. Another damn good reason to keep her at arms length.

And twunt. Yes, I know he can't use issues as an excuse. And I can't let his issues cloud my view of his behaviour (same goes for TB). I have had more than my share of issues to work through. I did that back in my early 20s and continue to be very aware of their impact of my thought processes etc at times. I acted appallingly at times in the past, and was so ill that I was actually an in patient on an acute psychiatric ward. I was so ill that I couldn't even get transferred to a specialist unit because I was considered too much of a (suicide) risk. So I basically worked through those awful times by myself, thanks to work books, and the early days of Internet support (with a dial up connection!)

Anyway, upshot is that I am very self aware. I am also subject to some fairly nasty comments still by TB and there are people over here who still think of me as a nutter and merrily assume I'm still the same, because they knew me vaguely back when I was so ill. And I reckon that twunt has spoken to some of these people hence the comments about me being a nutter on some of the fb messages I read.

Waffling on like mad here, but processing desperately the issues regarding twunt and TBs behaviour. I try really hard to live by the phrase (which I repeat ad nauseam to my DCs), I am not able to control other people's actions but I am responsible for my reactions. That's how I have worked through everything pretty much, it's taking responsibility, and owning your own behaviour. It's how I got better, refusing to act out my pain on the excuse that I was hurt by what others had done, and instead saying that I could choose how to react to situations, choose healthier ways of managing upset. And now I try to apply that across my life. Doesn't always work, but I try. And it is a good lesson to teach my children. Probably one of the most important.

Point is, I don't believe that either twunt or TB are anywhere near that stage of taking responsibility for their reactions.

He has just finished feeding, may attempt either getting dressed or making a cup of tea (did I mention yet that I am loving being able to drink even more than being able to eat. I must be getting through 4 litres of drink a day!!!!)

larrygrylls Thu 08-Aug-13 09:57:45

"We were all straight up and out for a newborn photo session which lasted over 4 hours (my heart dropped a bit when I saw how expensive it is to actually buy any photos after!)"

I have vaguely followed your thread and think you are doing amazingly well. Not prepared to offer any relationship advice but, on a practical note, if it is a company like "Venture" where the session is very cheap but the photos are very expensive afterwards, beware! They try to emotionally blackmail you into spending more than you can afford on very poorly framed photos (even if the photos themselves are good) and even offer (expensive) finance. They are so concerned about you cheaply copying the pictures that they glue them on to the crap cheap frames so you cannot even reframe them.

We ended up being suckered into this but I am quite tough so only bought two smallish pics (which were still circa £200-250). If I get family pics again, I will pay for studio (or home) time with a proper photography studio, where the pics are still expensive but a fraction of the cost of a company such as Venture, and I retain far more control over the process.

Just a diversion, but hopefully a useful and practical one.

MissStrawberry Thu 08-Aug-13 09:57:47

"Point is, I don't believe that either twunt or TB are anywhere near that stage of taking responsibility for their reactions."

And there is your totally 100% justified reason to keep both well away from you and your children for as long as you want.

My children have a very small family and have no one at all on my side for reasons I won't bore you with and they are fine. They ask the odd question but that is all and it is not an issue. They don't miss out. They have my husband's parents but I would walk away without a second thought even though they love them if they ever did anything else to hurt them or put them in danger.

Just because this woman gave birth to you doesn't mean you owe her anything and blood is NOT thicker than water if it means your children are being exposed to anything you don't want them too.

There is NOTHING to stop you packing up your little family and taking the job you were head hunted for and leaving the island without looking back....

magimedi Thu 08-Aug-13 10:41:00

I am delurking here & quoting MissStrawberry

"*There is NOTHING to stop you packing up your little family and taking the job you were head hunted for and leaving the island without looking back....*"

I was born & came back to live on the other rock(the one a bit S of you!) for a few years as an adult. DH loathed it & we came back to the mainland. Best thing we ever did.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 08-Aug-13 11:04:04

Oh waves your mother, what next. Smacking is her approach to correcting their behaviour? Quite the reverse of how you handle discipline. Overreaching herself yet again.
If DD hadn't been asking you would have been oblivious. She would assume from her grandmother's actions that it would be okay smacking her little brother. And TB resents you not giving her access at the drop of a hat confused.

HV, nod and smile, ignore.

mistlethrush Thu 08-Aug-13 11:09:53

Yes... response to HV - "yes, he's settling nicely into a routine and is both feeding and sleeping well, thanks." No need to specify what the routine is. wink

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 08-Aug-13 11:19:49

larry forgot to say the photos you mentioned nearly always look fabulous - and so they should as they cost a king's ransom! Agree with you, tempting to track down an alternative.

springytooty Thu 08-Aug-13 11:46:13

they're 'not anywhere near', and they also DON'T INTEND to be anywhere near. imo.

You, waves, want to improve, you want to take responsibility, learn new ways to approach life in a way that works. some people have NO INTENTION of improving, working on things etc. They are willfully blind - denial, I think they call it...

Which ALSO ISN'T AN EXCUSE. There is no excuse, especially these days with our culture bulging at the seams with support, instruction, advice about how to manage difficulties, past and present.

Perhaps one overhang from your (clearly toxic) upbringing is that you have learned to minimise. so, TB smacks your kids... waves , that is a big no-no. BIG! Especially as your lo is asking when it will be appropriate to smack the baby. waves that is horrifying - can you see that for what it is?

Fuck what others say and think. Who GIVES a fuck what ignorant people have to say or what ignorant people think about your history - I know you agree with this; but ime there can be a residual shame about previous MH excesses? YOu (and I, as it happens) know what we went through ( and was it surprising with the upbringing we've had?? ) and how we clawed our way back up the rockface to health.

Mind you, I do think the 'work' presented to one after a toxic childhood is a lifelong thing. Which may not be as intense all the way along but it's something we have to watch and maintain for the rest of our lives imo. One of the ways to protect our MH is, imo, to remove ourselves from toxic relationships. You've done that to a degree but perhaps a move may help that along the road iyswim.

AgathaF Thu 08-Aug-13 13:49:35

I agree Springy. Also about the fall out from childhood probably being a lifelong thing. Rears its head at times of stress.

WingDefence Thu 08-Aug-13 17:36:15

Ouch about TB sad

And what odd HV advice. That sort of thing can put any mum in a tizz, especially a first time mum (as I experienced with my own rubbish first HV) so I'm glad you can see what's right and wrong with whatever she said.

SwedishHouseMat Thu 08-Aug-13 18:30:29

De-lurking Waves to tell you what a terrific Mum you are and you are quite right to ignore the HV. So many of them are burnt out former midwives who should of been put out to pasture years ago. Good for you for knowing what is right for your baby, but I do feel sorry for her other patients who might not be so experienced. Many babies don't seem to get the memo about "routine"! grin

springytooty Thu 08-Aug-13 19:59:27

Raises hand to another mum who was sold up the swanny by a HV. One HV told me in graphic detail the personal business of her previous patient. I did have one fantastic HV, though - but she was not the norm ime - by far. They were all pretty crap (apols to anyone reading who is HV. Just my experience).

springytooty Thu 08-Aug-13 20:03:01

Raises hand as another mum...

MissStrawberry Thu 08-Aug-13 20:06:52

My HV told me I was feeding my new baby too much as I was feeding him every time she came round hmm.

themidwife Thu 08-Aug-13 21:02:15

Yes I think there are a few HVs around who seem to give some very strange/old fashioned advice re feeding. Up until a few years ago I was so lucky that my HV colleagues were all wonderful & extremely supportive to mums esp re breastfeeding but not hearing such good feedback lately. It's a shame. I only saw a HV twice after my last baby, even her 2 year & pre-school checks were done by newly qualified community nurses with no experience. The govt stupidly reduced HV numbers a few years ago & the good ones left or retired under the strain. They are desperately recruiting again now so hopefully things will improve soon. examines self to see if burnt out yet grin

PyroclasticFlo Thu 08-Aug-13 21:19:48

Waves I wish I could just give you a hug and tell you how well you're doing.

Likewise, I have fought my way, by myself, through both mental illness and PND and out the other side, aided only by reading, journaling and a will to be a better, kinder, saner, happier person. I know what a hard road it is, but by God it's a worthwhile one, and I can see from your posts that you are doing so well. Make sure you don't give in to the guilt about others , though - Twunt and TB walk their own path, and you don't owe them anything.

Unfortunately with DS1 I didn't listen to my heart, and did let my poor son scream with hunger because various HVs and books (ahem, she who shall not be named on MN in particular) told me when I should feed my child and that I shouldn't over feed. Balls to them. With DS2 I demand fed and cluster fed and he and I were both SO much happier.

You're doing brilliantly and you're a brilliant mum. Put Twunt in the past and move forwards my love. You deserve happiness and sunshine and peace. I can't tell you how much I wish you peace and good fortune.

flowers

pointythings Thu 08-Aug-13 21:28:42

I must be the only person on MN to have had a brilliant HV both times (it was the same one though) - she really got bf and attachment parenting despite being not far off retirement - possibly an old hippie with the flowers removed? But waves you have the confidence to do what is right for you and Caspian so you know you can just ignore her.

I'm so sorry you've had to deal with more poison from TB - smacking is a huge red line for me.

Ezio Thu 08-Aug-13 21:43:39

I had one really nice HV, and that was a right snobby judgemental bitch, the amount of times i wanted to slap her was unreal.

SwedishHouseMat Thu 08-Aug-13 21:47:33

You are right themidwife, all my fabulous HV colleagues retired a few years go. I wasn't aiming my criticism at you! grin

SwedishHouseMat Thu 08-Aug-13 21:49:26

*go
ago

WingDefence Fri 09-Aug-13 17:34:33

Hope you've had a relaxing day waves.

I'm shattered. It's such hard work, on so little sleep. Nothing much in the way of RL support as everyone seems to be away on holiday.

All the DCs are lovely, it is just exhausting. With no one to have a chat with, or a hug, or get me a cup of tea. I'm so bloody pissed off at twunt for letting all this happen. For being so selfish. I feel like I've run out of fuel.

To be fair, I took us all out to a local fete today which we were at for ages, and I managed my most exposed public breastfeeding session so far! DD had her face painted and they both had candy floss for what was I think the first time they have ever had it.

The photo session was with a proper photographer so I know the quality will be great. Just expensive! Thanks for the advice though, I will keep my sensible head on at the viewing and not get emotionally carried away.

Next week I have appointments already for much of Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Will also need to investigate properly the maintenance issue.

No sign of a letter from twunt by the way. And not a word from TB. I feel lonely. And quite sad actually. I don't feel enough, just very tired.

MissStrawberry Fri 09-Aug-13 22:00:49

Don't feel lonely. You have us smile.

Don't feel because of T and TB you are missing out. They are nothing. You can't miss nothing...

themidwife Sat 10-Aug-13 00:26:31

Big hugs - I know it must be so hard. Yes you have us but we aren't there in your real life are we? But we wish we were - honestly. thanksthanksthanks

Hope you've had a good sleep lovely Waves, please don't feel lonely, we are all here for you and if we could get to you we would, I am sure of that.

In fact if you were on the mainland many miles would be traversed in many directions so we could bring you cake and make you a cuppa. Have some flowers [flowers ] and brew brew to start your day

mistlethrush Sat 10-Aug-13 07:00:43

Yes, its such a pity that you are where you are - otherwise I'm sure that there would have been a rota.... You'll just have to put up with the support via the ether until you take one of the jobs you've been headhunted for and relocate!

It will get easier - Caspian will stop eating so frantically and you will get more sleep. Your existing two are already helpful, but I'm sure that they will pick up other skills too. Hang in there. flowers

Blardy early morning typing that obv should have been flowers flowers brew brew for you grin

Thanks for the thanks and brew

I gave up trying to sleep at about 5am and have been mooching around with Mr Squawky ever since.

Almost certain I am going to get the 4 of us away for a week - found some good priced flights to London at the end of the month, and just need to think about what to do and where to go. I honestly think I just need to not be here feeling sorry for myself! And my family and friends railcard lasts til November, so I should try and make the most of it smile To be honest, even holing up somewhere like a travelodge for a week would be a good break - they have tvs that show more than one channel (my tv is broken and we can only see one channel and we are all bored of that now)

Am also going to potentially set off WW3 in terms of twunt as I am going to ask him for OW's address. He said he was on a wind up to his mate regarding the disgusting messages about changing the bed sheets twice and he hasn't been sleeping with anyone else. God, how STUPID does he think I am. Anyway, over here to petition for divorce on the grounds of adultery you have to have the name and address of the other party as they get served the papers too. And I need the maintenance so badly, I am not going to be a mug, so i am getting the ball rolling there. He is throwing £600 a month to his ex in respect of his older 2 boys, who has no accommodation costs at all, and is refusing to pay me anything at all at the moment, and is completely against paying me anything reasonable.

Argh. Ideas for (very) cheap places to stay with 2 kids and a baby, which have a tv, and a kettle, accessible by train from London welcome smile

springytooty Sat 10-Aug-13 09:24:39

I'm not sure grief is 'feeling sorry for yourself' tbh. Sorry to be literal about all this; but it's not a bad idea to use awful pain to learn to have some compassion for ourself. I say 'learn' because, ime, those of us with a toxic upbringing find it almost impossible to have compassion for ourselves - like a magnet repelling. It's quite an interesting task to even begin to approach the idea (and it certainly does feel like a task at the start...).

this isn't twaddle btw, new age shit or something grin It's surprisingly healing to step over to the other side (from the dark side to the light) flowers

captainmummy Sat 10-Aug-13 09:27:53

Waves - you could do worse than stay near Gatwick(where I am!) - it's on a mainline to London and to places like Brighton, Winchester, East coast etc. FlyBe come in here so a local hotel (ok only Premier Inns, Hilton and the like) would be very accessible.

Or look at B&B's?

MissStrawberry Sat 10-Aug-13 11:42:03

Waves, thank you very much for the lovely card that has just come in the post. How kind when you have so much going on flowerswine.

He is not going to give you the OW address so you will need to get clever with finding that out wink. Also I would be wary of telling him anything as he will be obnoxious and make everything as hard as possible. You need to get sneaky and clever.

Which Airport are you flying into.

MissStrawberry Sat 10-Aug-13 11:54:00

Is he still reading your posts? angry

I've been sobbing all morning. My poor DCs. Just so so tired and I do feel bereft. Twunt is gone, I mean the dream is gone forever. This is it isn't it, I'm by myself. He's not going to change or be the person I thought. TB has blown it completely, sent me a shitty text this morning and I've sent an equally shitty one back telling her to ditch the attitude and to get in touch again only when she can be a reasonable human being.

It's just the 4 of us. And nothing, nothing holds us here. I'm not inundated with RL support, always been too busy being a single mum to DS1 and DD and working multiple jobs to forge any real friendships. Hence no one here for hugs or cups of tea.

I feel pathetic. I'm still in my pyjamas, laid in bed with a snoring baby with DS1 and DD also in here, drawing and watching doctor who....

We are going to get away end of August. Flying to gatwick and may just stay at the premier inn there and have days out. Once I can pull myself together enough to get out of bed again I will get the flights booked. Hopefully no more expensive than they were this morning!

missS no bother on the card, where possible I always write thank you notes and I got those done yesterday. Just wish I had the addresses of everyone who has been so kind to me and acrobat/caspian....

I need more tissues!

MissStrawberry Sat 10-Aug-13 12:47:40

Feels almost wrong but I cheered when I read the beginning of your post as you really needed to get yourself to the point where you knew it was over with twunt and there is no going back at all.

Your mother has done you a favour sending you that text as you know now she is toxic and someone else who it spoiling your lovely life with your three children and someone else you can block out of your life.

Not pathetic. Lovely to be all snuggled up together having fun together listening to a scrumptious baby snoring.

The card really was a lovely surprise as I had forgotten I had put my address on the parcel. I usually do in case it goes awry but that is normally when it is something I have sold or need to check it has arrived.

A change of scenery will do you all some good and when you do relocate you will have no end of MNters willing to be your RL friend and supply cake and cuddles when you need them.

AgathaF Sat 10-Aug-13 13:11:54

Tomorrow is another day, and hopefully and much better one for you waves. You know, the four of you make a fabulous family, and a tight group. That is a true gift. And you're right, nothing holds you there. I hope that means you are giving serious thought to moving away. A lovely fresh start for you and your brood, somewhere where there are young families for support, and like minded people for companionship. Good opportunities for your children as they grow up as well.

themidwife Sat 10-Aug-13 13:33:47

I think a new start on the mainland would be a really good move. Away from twunt, away from TB, new start with new people. I think you said before that you fancy Scotland. The UK courts & CSA may also be more helpful. You're doing really well honestly. This is really hard but there's only one way now & that is up. thanks

It is hard now. Really hard. But I think that is partly the total lack of sleep, coupled with the grieving process really kicking in. C is a human feeding and poo machine, must have fed him 7 or 8 times today and done around 11 or 12 nappies. And on top there is a poor attempt to entertain the older 2, and finally managed to get them some lunch at 2.30. They got their own breakfast, being v helpful, but short on food just now (well, food that doesnt need defrosting) and so had to be a bit creative! Slice of bread in triangles, cucumber, a cold sausage, slice of salami and a warm veggie spring roll confused

Anyway, I booked flights so we all now have a break to look forward to. Will decide early next week where we stay. At least I don't really have much to pack in the way of baby things. I used my moby wrap at the fete yesterday and C was happy in it, and it was very comfy and practical so I guess we will take that as opposed to the pram thing which hasn't yet been out of my house (but is a useful spot for him to have a sleep in when I am downstairs!)

pointythings Sat 10-Aug-13 15:46:36

Just to say I didn't use prams until mine were 5-6 months, slings far more efficient!

I really hope the break gives you a bit of perspective and the strength to face the inevitable battles re divorce and maintenance. We all know you will get through this too.

springytooty Sat 10-Aug-13 16:37:18

Quick post: What about a house swap waves? You can do that on here ie MN has a house swap section...

MissStrawberry Sat 10-Aug-13 17:52:18

Don't worry about food combinations. As long as they have enough to eat it doesn't matter what really. Mine are used to very strange combinations at times when I have messed up my food planning.

Equally you could do a list of what you have in the freezer and get the kids to remind you to get X out in the morning for tea.

captainmummy Sat 10-Aug-13 18:20:02

It will get better Waves. Not today, or next week, but soon - a couple of months. Keep going.

BIWI Sat 10-Aug-13 18:29:49

Where are you going to stay, waves? Perhaps we could arrange a meet-up to welcome you!

I will keep going. Of course I will, it's what I do smile

Still shattered but tentatively excited about our short break in a few weeks time. DS1 and DD are hugely excited and talking packing lists already. We have no fast food places here and they are both desperate to go to subway! I think we will most likely stay at gatwick as from there we can catch local buses to nearby towns or maybe get the train to London or Brighton for a day out. Just being together in a room with a fully working tv and no housework to think about will be wonderful.

At a less emotionally stressful time I'd completely consider a house swap, but right now I would worry myself sick about cleanliness and lodgers so will go the budget hotel route instead.

I think the break will do us so much good. We need a bit of space from our regular surroundings to spend some quality time just being together instead of tip toeing round lodgers and getting stressed about chores.

I will have to make a decision next week on where to stay, but I think gatwick is the best as I don't want to hire a car and the transport from there seems great.

Goes without saying, I hope, that if anyone is in the area and would like to meet up then let me know

Please send sleepy vibes to us, I don't think I can manage another night with no sleep sad

MissStrawberry Sat 10-Aug-13 20:23:18

<sleepy vibes>
<sleepy vibes>
<sleepy vibes>
<sleepy vibes>
<sleepy vibes>

Orianne Sat 10-Aug-13 20:34:44

<sleepy vibes>

ChasedByBees Sat 10-Aug-13 20:35:57

Things will get better Waves, you have lovely children who will support, love and help you through this. I'm glad that Twunt is definitely consigned to the dustbin and your mother was always toxic - she ran over your foot! I think things will be better without her or at least with strict boundaries.

<sleepy vibes>

pointythings Sat 10-Aug-13 20:57:35

<sleepy vibes>
\

pointythings Sat 10-Aug-13 20:58:40

Aaaargh! Was going to do a complicated MN artwork thing composed of different things to represent a bucket filling up with sleepy vibes, but failed epically.

Still, the thought is the same.

<snoozeparcel>

JaxTellerIsAllMine Sat 10-Aug-13 21:17:35

dropped off my lists of 'on' threads.

Now arrived safely home after holiday, complete with new puppy!

hope everyone is doing well, can now go see Acrobat properly to drool over him and catch up on whats happening. smile

WingDefence Sat 10-Aug-13 22:30:35

Argh missed your past few posts sad <sleepy vibes> heading your way too as I head upstairs to dreamfeed DD.

I'm so glad you've booked your flights. You definitely do need a break and Horsham is a nice town you should be able to get to from Gatwick. I wouldn't bother catching the train to Croydon though grin

Having done this twice you do know that this is all a stage and this too will pass. It will get better, it will get better, it will get better - all of it.

Ajaney Sat 10-Aug-13 23:02:56

Delurking to send you hugs and sleepy vibes. Have followed you for ages, quietly marvelling at how you have stood tall against all that has been come your way.

If I were in your shoes, I think I would be seriously thinking about moving to get a fresh start away from twunt & TB.

You are an amazing woman!

BerylStreep Sat 10-Aug-13 23:06:02

Hey Waves, I hope you have a good holiday.

Don't worry about your past - many of us have been there, honestly! smile

It is hard though, when you live in such a small community. When you think about it, all of us weren't the same people we were 20 years ago.

When are you going to make the big leap to the mainland? (or we can give you a warm welcome in NI) smile

Allalonenow Sun 11-Aug-13 01:27:38

Humming a lullaby here, Golden Slumbers, everyone join in.....

Seems to be some good Guest Houses in the area waves, some have a shuttle car to and from the airport which would help you. Have a look on Tripadvisor, some are handy for rail links and restaurants in a little nearby town.

Sweet dreams.

Sleepy vibes helped grin. I feel human again, after he did a couple of 3.5 hours sleeps overnight. Phew.

Yesterday's emotional state was not aided by the fact that Twunt came round with post from my old house and saw me in floods of tears. I think I need to properly properly detox now, I can't be seeing him at all. It makes me more upset, especially seeing him being so unremorseful and generally Mr Happy. He possibly lacks a soul.

Today I intend to just enjoy loving my super children and also do another recital as it is Sunday I think?!

Happy Sunday Waves

Sounds like C gave you a decent night's sleep, and we all know that just a couple of hours makes all the difference smile

What dates are your flights? PM me if twunt might still be reading your posts, I have a couple of ideas for you. Travelling up from the West Country is tricky, but not insurmountable, i like the idea of a meet up BIWI (i also desperately need some LC help but that is another story!)

Gatwick is v central, I know the area pretty well and can suggest a couple of cheap days out if you would like. I have free tickets to the aquarium at Brighton so will check when they expire and post to you.

The break is lovely to look forward to, and I really, really, hope you consider a Big Move to the mainland.

Don't forget to keep asking for RL help lovely, I know it is holiday season but people will assume that if you're not asking for anything you've got it covered. Sending you flowers and brew brew and wishing you a joyous recital and a peaceful day.

You are a fabulous mum waves, doing an amazing job with your 3 DCs, a true inspiration to me.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 11-Aug-13 09:41:09

Greetings waves so glad you got more zzzzzzzzzs!

Considering what you put up with, you are doung well to look ahead and plan.
That holiday will do you good - lovely for the older DCs anticipating a break.

Jax a new pup you are so lucky envy smile

WingDefence Sun 11-Aug-13 10:28:26

You can face the world after a better night's sleep brew Have a lovely day with the DCs and at your recital smile

MissStrawberry Sun 11-Aug-13 11:23:10

Will your house and lodgers be vulnerable if twunt knows you are away?

Get your post redirected by the post office so he has no reason to come round. Ignore how you feel about him seeing you upset. His opinion is worth nothing.

Hurray for sleepy vibes working!

themidwife Sun 11-Aug-13 12:33:10

Yes Brighton would be great for a day out (I used to live near there) & only 35 minutes on the train from Gatwick the aquarium is great (esp with free tickets!) I'm up in the hills 150 miles from there now but you are very welcome to visit!!

springytooty Sun 11-Aug-13 14:11:49

Oh so relieved to hear you had a good night waves! Definitely the reason for you being all over the place - lack of sleep, that is. Nothing worse imo (has a think...). YAY that you've got some good chunks of sleep to get you back on the right track smile

It must be like a nightmare to see him being blase and uncaring. Yes, total NC is the way to go. You can do it (in fact I think zero contact is 'easier' than dribs and drabs, which keep you hooked in iyswim?).

flowers

Brighton looks like lots of fun! I think we will definitely aim for a day there. Still NO idea where to stay or whether to venture further afield for a few days. It is really nice to have something to focus on that is positive.

Good thing as my sister is very non committal about meeting up when we are over sad I know TB has spoken to her as she asked what happened. I'm a bit upset as I'd be booking a day off if it was the other way round. So I may well not see her at all which is a shame as had really hoped to introduce her to her new nephew. Ah well, learning each day more and more about family dynamics and where I fit in.

I still wish I had the family I thought I would have. I imagine that it will take some time to work through these stages of grief.

MissStrawberry Sun 11-Aug-13 16:28:11

I am sure I speak for us on here when I say you have a MN family now smile.

Ezio Sun 11-Aug-13 16:31:15

Absolutely, we my not be close by, but we are here, were it counts.

BIWI Sun 11-Aug-13 16:32:27

Hear, hear, MissStrawberry!

A day out in Brighton sounds like fun. DS1 is at university there, but I've never really explored it properly.

BIWI Sun 11-Aug-13 16:33:01

thekitchenfairy send me a PM if you like!

JaxTellerIsAllMine Sun 11-Aug-13 19:20:59

Ooh I do like Brighton! I could drive down with kids for a brew or a wine and chuck some pebbles in the sea.

Someone pm me with suggested dates etc & i will try to sort something out.

WingDefence Sun 11-Aug-13 20:15:31

waves - I thought I had a lovely, close, 'normal' family but since my DPs followed DH and me up North, my 'D'Bro hasn't spoken to any of us (an now the extended family on our side too) for a year (amongst other crap that's gone on from him and SIL). He's not even acknowledged DD's existence and she's 19wks now sad

We're heading to his neck of the woods this week for three days and I have emailed and texted to find out when our DCs can get together as it's been so long and DS misses his two but no response. I thought he wouldn't be so cruel to keep them apart as well even if he had ishoos with me and DPs but no. I'm really upset TBH and I can understand how you'd feel the same. Give your DSis the benefit of the doubt if you can as I've done with my Bro even though he's behaved atrociously this past year to all of us. Even if you say you'll go to hers for a couple of hours as your DCs really want to see her and push it. thanks

ellenjames Sun 11-Aug-13 20:24:21

You sound a fab mum and you have created all the family you need x

Thanks for all the support again thanks, definitely makes things easier.

Wing I am so sorry to hear about the situation with your DBro. I will definitely push for meeting up with my DSis and keep my fingers crossed.

Well, I am still not entirely sure what to do, but accommodation in the Gatwick-ish area looks pretty reasonable, and the advantage is the mainline rail, buses etc. I can drive, but really don't fancy the stress of hiring a car and driving on big fast roads with lack of sleep....

I will PM you BIWI and thekitchenfairy - I would love to meet up with anyone who is around/free/willing - we arrive first thing on 26 August, and leave first thing on 1 September. May attempt a trip to Bristol during that time, but not sure it is doable in a day? My cousin, aunt and uncle live south of there, but it will depend on the practicalities of the journey etc.

However, a day in Brighton sounds good, as does general brew or wine and cake anywhere at all that is relatively reachable in not too long a time by train or bus from Gatwick!

themidwife Sun 11-Aug-13 21:09:01

I will be in Bournemouth 26-28th if you end up heading west! smile

captainmummy Mon 12-Aug-13 08:48:08

Brighton is dead easy from Gatwick - and I second Wingdefence's idea of Horsham, I love it there too. A fab park, swimmming pool, great coffee shops
I live near gatwick and would love a meet up! PM me too if its on.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 12-Aug-13 09:11:13

It sounds like your mainland trip will be a great one waves. Is your sister trying to win Brownie points with TB? If she wants to curry favour like that just let her. It is almost predictable that with a mother like that at least one child will feel a pressing need to stay in favour and not be the "naughty" independent one.

Surreptitious ((hug)) too for WingDefence.

MissStrawberry Mon 12-Aug-13 09:50:28

I hope you do get to meet up with some mumsnetters and have a lovely time.

I won't be able to go but will be with you in spirit! grin

WingDefence Mon 12-Aug-13 13:07:05

It's a shame we don't live back down south as we were just a tram & train ride away from Gatwick.

Thanks Donkeys. Many a time I have drafted a MN Relationships or AIBU thread in my head about the situation but I think the OP would be way too long!

Thumbwitch Mon 12-Aug-13 14:53:17

HOrsham is very nice. And if you feel the need to have any of your body straightened out, I know an EXCELLENT osteopath who works there. wink

Wingdefence - does anyone in your family actually know why your brother isn't speaking to you all? or is it literally because you all moved up north? (which is a bit odd)

WingDefence Mon 12-Aug-13 15:16:51

Well I don't want to hijack wave's thread but yes, it's all because my DPs have always done tons for him (and me, they're very generous with their time) and when they retired and decided they'd rather live in a nice rural town than crappy SE London, he has flounced.

We think there must be more to it than that but it always ends up being that which is stated. He's 40 in 2 weeks time and is acting like a toddler. I can understand that he is upset but the reaction (heavily influenced by my odd SIL) is heartbreakingly ridiculous and has affected all our side of the family.

Right, let's leave it there blush

springytooty Tue 13-Aug-13 00:44:41

<family therapy alert> wink

springytooty Tue 13-Aug-13 00:54:26

I should qualify that: imo sibling rivalry never ends, regardless what age you are. I am the youngest in my family <outs self> and the eldest are in their 60s. There's 5 of us, and my siblings still complain that my cards get displayed longer/more prominantly than theirs. Tosh: I usually send photo-cards that are carefully chosen to hit the exact spot, which is why the pictures are kept - photos of things that I know will remind them of the olden days when they was young etc [hate to say it but the others don't usually send photo-cards]. My poor mum has taken to cutting off the handwritten bit so no-one knows who the card was from.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Tue 13-Aug-13 10:49:45

morning everyone brew brew brew

I am tired today. Puppy slept all night, but I was awake 5ish wide awake, so got up, could do with going back to bed now!

Hope everyone has fun stuff planned for today. I will be on coffee and cake duty, also going to make some chilli/bolognaise as I feel like I havent baked or batch cooked properly for a while.

WingDefence Tue 13-Aug-13 11:27:41

Morning all - hope you're okay waves smile

We're on the M1 heading darn sarf. Still haven't heard from the Bro so we will be paying them an unannounced visit and hoping that DS and we can see their DCs and that it doesn't turn into WW3 (they have form of starting screaming matches in front of the DCs sad ).

I was wondering how the lodgers were doing waves?

springytoots Tue 13-Aug-13 11:50:55

sooo jealous of your puppy Jax envy

waves where are you, girl? Hope you're ok.

Good luck with the unplanned visit Wing - perhaps best to strike unexpectedly and then take off before he gets chance to draw breath and let you have it . But then again, he may be outraged at sudden visit and .... well, let's hope not eh <polishes medal/peace prize for longtime service to unreasonable, toxic siblings>

Hi all, brew so appreciated. I forgot that one can sort of redefine "night" when a newborn arrives. So little C only woke once last night, given that night now runs from 11.30 to 5.....

Busy day so far, the 4 of us walked to town with C in the wrap. I met a recruitment consultant to find out about what opportunities there may be, we went and got school shoes with new lodgers discount, got nappies and wipes and paid some money into the bank. Let the older 2 have a run in the park on the way home too! They were very helpful with carrying bags of shopping smile

Yesterday afternoon we went to the beach with my doula and her children which was great. I spent the whole time pretty much sat feeding C in the little sun shade tent though.

DS1 had another deep chat with me. He is very upset about twunt and the fact it means I have to do everything, have far less time for him and DD but also he is genuinely sad. He is so desperate for a dad, and feels sad that twunt went as he thought he'd be his dad. Poor little man, he is 9 now and can barely remember his old daddy, as he calls him. It has made me even more cross with twunt though. He has caused so much upset and disappointment. And I feel like I have let my DCs down too.

Twunt is horrible. He proclaims himself a nice, good person, a great dad. Yet he is ok to cause my children to suffer pain. My heart is breaking for the older 2 especially. I hate seeing them cry.

However, now looking forward to our holiday. Think the final plan is 2 nights in Bristol, then 2 in Brighton then the final 2 in a gatwick hotel. Hoping to meet some of you smile

Doha Tue 13-Aug-13 14:40:42

Remember Waves friends are the family we chose for ourselves..so you have lots of "family" all over the world. grin

Oh gosh, and the lodger situation is beyond pear shaped....

Lodger 2 is moving out to a flat next month. New lodger has issue with license to live/work here and may have to leave, Bedsit couple split up and man moving out so just the original girl left. And all this happened in the past 3 days.

MissStrawberry Tue 13-Aug-13 15:43:29

Hi everyone

Hope you are okay Waves and just having a lovely time with your children.

MissStrawberry Tue 13-Aug-13 15:48:24

Complete cross posted! Going to read now blush.

MissStrawberry Tue 13-Aug-13 15:58:20

Your little boy will do just fine when he is so well equipped to express his feelings and emotions. Much better than keeping it all bottled up. Very astute too to see how much work a Mummy alone has to do.

You haven't let him down. Only one person has done that and we all know who that is.

Bummer about lodgers going but it just makes it easier for when you pack up and leave for your new life and new job in a new country.

I really hope you manage to meet up with some posters. Just gutted I am not able too assumes invited if could do blush

Of course you'd have been invited missS.

Mainland looking more likely anyway after meeting at recruitment place. Only 2 possibly 3 openings, one of which has oversight of 8 jurisdictions so tons of travelling (impossible as a single mum), one is dull as dishwater in a v repetitive position and the other is v senior but for an incredibly risky start up. Meh.

BerylStreep Tue 13-Aug-13 16:21:52

What sweeties your 2 older DC are. DS seems to have a really wise head on young shoulders.

Can nice half of the couple lodger pay the rent on her own? It would be good if you can keep her. The alternative is to let her have lodger 2's room once he moves out, and look for a new couple for the self-contained bit. (TBH lodger 2 wasn't sounding like a good fit with family life).

Shame about the new lodger - she might be able to get it sorted out.

MissStrawberry Tue 13-Aug-13 16:33:50

How risky is risky? Could it be exciting enough to keep you interested and paying enough to make it worth it? It could end up doing really well.

beryl my older DCs are total sweeties for sure and DS1 has a very wise head! More loveliness just now, I gave C a bath and he was crying after as I got him dressed, Ds1 was saying, you don't need to cry Caspian because you have the most wonderful mummy. She will take such good care of you forever, she's looked after me for 9 years and she is the best so don't cry little one.

I think female half of couple lodger will stay, it is bills included so there was a small extra for it being 2 people, I should find out within a week. And seriously hope that new lodger gets the license issue sorted as she is so super.

I need to try to sort out dinner now, managed this post as C was finishing a feed and he is now sound asleep on me. Hopefully he will stay asleep if I put him down for a bit smile

Oh and the potential job is risky on many levels, start up risk, infrastructure, client base, BUT it does sound exciting. Would be a challenge to be part of a completely new venture and help to build something from scratch.

Will be good if at least I can get interviews

MissStrawberry Tue 13-Aug-13 19:43:30

I want to hug your eldest and feed him cup cakes. Lovely lovely boy.

Not much could be harder than what you have been through the last few months.

mistlethrush Tue 13-Aug-13 20:15:51

Waves, for heavens sake, if you go for the risky option, make sure that you will share in some of the benefits if it takes off. You don't want to put a lot in when its so risky to find that whilst some people profit a lot from it, you don't....

MissStrawberry Tue 13-Aug-13 20:47:11

Yes. In my head I was thinking the same as mistlethrush but couldn't think how to phrase it. <has no business brain.> has no brain full stop

I'm just a bit sad about the amazing 8 jurisdiction job. If I was still married it would be my dreams come true, career wise, in many ways. (If I was fortunate enough to get it). Anyway, instead I am focussing for now on the upcoming holiday. Feeling very grin about visiting the mainland and getting to meet some of you in RL. And grin about giving my DCs an adventure and happy memories. DS1 and DD really do deserve a lovely time away after what has been an exceptionally hard year for them. And grin that people have been so kind in offering places to stay.....

C is making squeaky noises to himself, and I am hoping to settle him soonish so I can get an early block of sleep.

The HV returns tomorrow. Half tempted to nod and smile when she mentions routines etc, and half tempted to discuss placenta smoothies... I expect I will just take the nod and smile option.

Oh, I also had a lovely package of clothes from one of my dearest friends who emigrated to the USA a LONG time ago. Unless I manage to get all the way out there I won't see her again, but we do keep in touch. And I was so touched she sent a parcel so far. And I had a lovely surprise delivery of flowers and a card in a box. I never knew that flowers could be sent in a box blush

MissStrawberry Tue 13-Aug-13 21:28:17

Would the dream job pay enough for a nanny?

Aww at squeaky noises smile.

HV - you can cancel the appointment. You don't have to let her in.

Surprise presents from a friend and flowers from ???? See! You have lots of people who care about you.

I was tidying yesterday and kept getting distracted thinking about a scrumptious baby named Caspian grin.

pointythings Tue 13-Aug-13 22:29:59

I think your children are great. Because you are great.

Smile and nod at useless HV sounds fine to me - anyway, you have a routine. It's 'doing what works for you'. Details are not important.

Fingers crossed you get the job opportunities you deserve and that they're far away from all the useless people in your life.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Wed 14-Aug-13 07:41:01

Morning. brewbrewbrewbrewbrewbrewbrewbrewbrew

Puppy and big dog are hilarious together. Pup is my hairy baby.

Waves. If you want to pm me exactly what you do I can see if dh knows of any vacancies etc around.

Although dream job isn't doable at moment it is something to keep in mind, start up I would avoid simply because it needs your full attention and your plate is full!

If I can help at all just shout

You are a fabulous mum and dad to your children. thanks

Do you have any stable, lovely male friends who could sort of mentor ds?

captainmummy Wed 14-Aug-13 09:12:43

Waves - I did think the other day how annoying it was that ds3's piano teacher left at the end of the last term - and how hard it is forthe school to fill the vacancy...Don't suppose you teach do you? Cos there might be a job going in south surrey!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 14-Aug-13 09:16:35

Not posting daily as rl gets in the way but keeping up with events.

Have fingers Xed lovely Scottish lodger sorts herself out and stays on and female half of couple that split will remain.

MissStrawberry's idea of a nanny would be wonderful if a dream job materialises at the right time.

DS and DD do you credit. He is goung to be the opposite of a twunt to your future DIL!

Squeaks from Caspian he will very possibly be musical like his mama.

PS Hope WingDefence got to see her brother and his family.

springytoofs Wed 14-Aug-13 11:16:19

you don't need to cry Caspian because you have the most wonderful mummy. She will take such good care of you forever, she's looked after me for 9 years and she is the best so don't cry little one.

Well, now that got me a little bit squeaky tbh <sniff>

Sorry to hear about the lodgers. Lodgers can be a bit like the wet bottom of a cardboard box, liable to go at any time <eek>. Can't help saying Hoo Rah about Lodger 2 as he didn't fit, did he? Now there's space for someone much more suited to your get up - it says something if you feel you need a break from the pressure of lodgers that you have to leave your own home. Hope the super lodger gets her shit sorted and you gradually collect lodgers more suited to you , not the other way around eh.

Re your scrummy puppy Jax - anyone see that prog about dogs last night? dead irritating camera work (as per usual these days hmm - we just want to see things, camera people, not your fancy work, ok <<grumpy) but yummy scrummy dogs. Martin Clunes' voiceover was all quiet and whispered - channelling Mr Attenborough I think LOL!

It looks like the world's your oyster waves - I think you will be able to pull off a spectacular coup, here. I can quite see you changing course magnificently smile

shiningcadence Wed 14-Aug-13 11:20:10

Hi waves, yes I would recommend smiling and nodding at your hv, that's what I did with mine despite their sometimes outrageous views. Just keep her on side and she'll leave you alone to get on with things your way.

Your dc sounds adorable and your little boy is already at 9 so observant and intuitive, what a star.

I really really agree that a fresh start on the mainland would be just what you and your little family need right now and of course there's be an army of mnetters to welcome you with open arms smile

Smiling and nodding worked smile

Seeing the HV on Friday week just so C can have his last dose of oral vitamin K, then not again til the 8 week review. He is thriving - now weighs 7lb 9 at 2 weeks and 4 days old.

He is having a nap so I am quickly on the laptop, updating here, and still trying to finish writing my literary epic of a birth story. I am SO jealous of people who have super quick sneeze births - I started getting proper niggly 18 days before he arrived, and had 3 days of latent labour with proper ouch contractions, and then a minimum of 9 hours established labour (depending how it is defined) Hence the epic (well, 9 pages typed up so far!)

If anyone wants to meet up whilst we are on the mainland, do PM me. Our plan is to travel straight to Bristol on 26 August, and we will then return to Gatwick in the evening on 27th, as my sister does want to meet up, so we are going to do something on Wednesday 28th, after which I am heading down to Brighton for 2 nights, leaving late afternoon on 30th. Will then be Crawley area (hopefully visiting Horsham since it is so highly recommended) on 31st.

Job-wise, I have LOTS to think about. Will PM you Jax - but C just woke up so off to give him cuddles!

shiningcadence Wed 14-Aug-13 15:18:06

Glad the nodding and smiling worked smile

I am in Wales so bit far for a meet up, would've loved to have met the famous little 'acrobat' otherwise (and the rest of your little brood of course). I can't understand your sister not wanting to meet up - who, in their right mind, would not want to see their brand new gorgeous little nephew? Oh well, sure you will have a fab time anyway and be inundated with lots of offers.

Hope you have a lovely break, waves, you really do deserve it. And wow to your 9 typed pages birth story. You're a great mum!

Doha Wed 14-Aug-13 19:21:02

Hmm meet up a bit far from West of Scotland so will have to miss it this time, However when Waves does her Caspian tour of the UK mainland we will be waiting to meet her

Doha Wed 14-Aug-13 19:21:37

Oops and him and the other DC's who sound adorble

MinnieBar Wed 14-Aug-13 19:55:01

Ooh, I could poss do Horsham on 31st. Brighton is a bit too far but apparently Horsham is 90 mins (M25 dependent, so prob 3 hrs!!) smile

Oh my. I haven't been able to sit down at all really today. C has decided that mummy cuddles are essential for survival so I've been either feeding or cuddling him most of today. Managed a super fast dash to the shop for essentials but other than that its been pretty intense. On my phone with a sleepy C on my shoulder! I am so relieved I did so much batch cooking before he arrived.

Hoping to meet up with my cousin and her DCs tomorrow morning, maybe just here or maybe at the park.

Twunt is still texting. He first offered to take DS1 and DD on an outing Friday afternoon, and is now asking when he and his boys can see C again. I can't reply. Every day I learn more about his reputation and I feel a bit sick for falling for his lies. Some people really do have only one script it seems.

I hope that I get a nice sleep tonight as I really want to tackle a kitchen and bathroom cleaning mission tomorrow, as well as starting to put together my own album of photos of caspian and finish the birth story. And I want to get a job. I hate the uncertainty of not knowing, and not being able to plan financially very far. I hate, really hate, the possibility that I will have to apply for some form of benefits if I don't secure a job by the end of the year.

I think actually I need to stop thinking and worrying so much. Better to focus on the positives like my gorgeous DCs, our holiday, then DDs birthday just a fortnight after that.

BIWI Wed 14-Aug-13 22:47:21

waves - apologies for lack of reply - have been at my dad's for the last couple of days and didn't have access to my work diary. Will reply to you forthwith now I'm home!

WingDefence Thu 15-Aug-13 07:44:17

Your trip is shaping up nicely smile Didn't get to see my brother as they were out when we turned up unannounced. I'd really psyched myself up for it too. Glad to hear you'll be seeing your DSis though.

The lodger situation sounds difficult. Hope it can all sort itself out soon.

AgathaF Thu 15-Aug-13 08:10:22

Ah, baby cuddles smile.

Your trip sounds great. Lots of fun planning, and will be lots of fun once your there.