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How to stop arguing?

(47 Posts)
DragonsAreReal Sun 28-Jul-13 11:01:20

Every month me and DP argue and he goes to sleep at his mums for a few days. We have 2 nice weeks, then a week of me feeling irrationally upset and crying about things like him being half hour later at work and then a few days of arguing and then him leaving for a few days before we're back happy again.

It is grinding me down, it's exhausting being angry and stressed so regularly. We've been together off and on for years and have 2 dc 7 and 6 but now I feel I'm loosing him and that he's had enough of this pointless drama.

How can I stop pushing him away all the time when things get good, that is if he sticks around to get back good this time. sad

DragonsAreReal Sun 28-Jul-13 11:15:52

<bump bump>

DragonsAreReal Sun 28-Jul-13 11:21:56

<help>

orangeandemons Sun 28-Jul-13 11:25:45

What a baby.. Going to sleep at his mums. This is just silly.

Tell him, that he needs to face out the next argument as this is what communicating in a relationship is about, and what effect does he think it has on your dc?

Sounds like a pattern that HE needs to break. I'd tell him next time he goes to his mums he can stay there. At least you know where you are. This sounds a very immature carry on to me

DragonsAreReal Sun 28-Jul-13 12:42:03

He does communicate.... To tell me how right he is and how wrong I am.

He left Tuesday apparently it was me who kicked him out because he packed his bags and I said go on bye, came back last night after text arguments all day (how ridiculous) and then this morning said I've killed the love again and because I said I hope he gets struck by lightning I'm the most evil person ever.

I was really quite happy Tuesday to call it a day, but he doesn't let go, until today I think he's not coming back now and I feel really awful actually.

Dc have been staying at my mums because of child care and work so they came back last night and know nothing of this argument. Other times they just think he's working.

LineRunner Sun 28-Jul-13 12:49:20

I would first get some help for either your PMT or addiction to drama if that's what's going on, for yourself, so you enjoy life a lot more.

It's exhausting and you need to find out what your stressors are and deal with them.

And yes, the going to sleep at his mum's when he has children is a bit pathetic. Do you often feel like you another child to look after? That would push my buttons, for sure.

Squitten Sun 28-Jul-13 12:52:52

Well you have more patience that me! I'd have told him to stay at his bloody mother's house a LONG time ago.

This constant rowing and leaving/coming back must be confusing as hell for your children and not a good model of relationships for them to be learning.

YOU must decide whether you are going to draw a line under this nonsense and put a stop to such childishness or continue to live like this. But if you give him the ultimatum, you must follow it though.

newlifeforme Sun 28-Jul-13 12:54:13

High conflict does lead to resentment and I think it damages relationships.My H and I are in a similar cycle and its so destructive.There are a few underlying issues for us..major stresses and we communicate poorly.I also suffer from severe PMS and this is a which I have to take responsibility for.

Someone on MN recommended Non violent communication book but you can also see clips on YouTube.I've been trying to practice the techniques and it has helped.

If you have said hurtful comments, and wishing he was struck my lightening is hurtful, then I think apologising is the first step.My H can't bear conflict and will leave the room, I find this frustrating but have accepted he has a need to go somewhere to cool down.We now agree timeouts.

What do you generally argue about? Is there a common theme or an issue that you can't resolve?

LEMisdisappointed Sun 28-Jul-13 13:00:25

Every month??? hmmmm - my spidey senses are tingling.

Him going to his mums? how old is he?? Whats wrong with her? she needs to tell him to man the fuck up and not indulge his tantrums

Peachyjustpeachy Sun 28-Jul-13 13:09:43

Tell him the next time he goes its for good. Thanks change the locks.
Tell his mother the same thing since she is enabling his behaviour.

Then at the first hint of an disagreement say...I'm sorry you feel like that.

Just acknowledge his feelings. Don't agree with him, just ell him you don't feel the same.

For instance...shall we watch the children play in the pool?
No they make too much noise and too much mess.
I'm sorry you feel like that because, I like the sound of kids having fun, and it's only water. You wait there then, and we'll go and have some fun.

See not engaging in an argument butdoing what you want. Give it a try

Peachyjustpeachy Sun 28-Jul-13 13:12:10

The most successful couples aren't perfect, they are just tolerant of their differences.

Noone has to be right or wrong unless the answer is what colour is this letter, and even then, that's not really important and not worth splitting up over!

allaflutter Sun 28-Jul-13 13:35:10

it's clearly PMT - I'm like this too when i have a partner and it caused problems., you say yourself you are being irrational. Sadly, I haven't found a cure.

WafflyVersatile Sun 28-Jul-13 16:30:39

Well I wouldn't want to be around all that pointless drama either.

If it was your husband kicking up a fuss about you being half an hour late home from work posters would be saying LTB. That you shouldn't have to put up with that sort of behaviour. He shouldn't have to either.

Have you seen your GP?

Maybe there is something your DP could read that would give him better coping skills when you are like this. Or maybe you should just let him stay with his mum a couple of days a month by arrangement.

YoniBottsBumgina Sun 28-Jul-13 16:44:26

What kinds if things do you argue about? Sounds like you're both stuck in an unhealthy pattern rather than being able to deal with conflict in a healthy way.

If it happens on a pattern, choose the good week and sit down and discuss this properly. It's going ti have to happen for you to move forwards and it really will be a make or break operation, but you can't continue like you are.

DragonsAreReal Sun 28-Jul-13 17:20:29

Its the third week of my pill packet when I cry about anyhing and everything he does irritates me. The dr has changed my pill but it's not made a huge amount of difference I think it could just be me. I will make another appointment though see if anything else can even me out.

We argue about things that I feel he is thoughtless for, for example this last time kicked off because all week he was doing something to his car and not home till after ten more like eleven. He had said he was going to be a hour but was two and a half hours even though he knew dinner was going to be a hour. Then I said I'm not cooking separate meals again, dinners at 6 whether your here or not so the next day he brought in food for him and the kids but not for me.

Few other niggles, he has another dd and although she is really really lovely the way he treats her to the rest isn't fair IMHO. For example ds asked for cake when he saw dp eating some, he said no and then turned around and gave the piece ds asked for to his dd. Even when I said that was unfair and cruel he didn't say sorry he started justifying it and then shouted the piece left was ds, and stormed out when I said well what about our dd.

Sounds really petty all these little things that I make into massive issues, he said this morning it doesn't matter now as his dd is never coming over again anyway and he's getting his own place when he next gets paid.

WafflyVersatile Sun 28-Jul-13 17:23:55

Why do these things only bother you some of the time?

DragonsAreReal Sun 28-Jul-13 17:34:42

I think it's just this destructive cycle we are in, once we've made up I don't feel took for granted but after a couple of weeks he slips and all I think is prick prick prick you don't really love me.

I would assume if it was just pms I would be like it with everyone...

WafflyVersatile Sun 28-Jul-13 17:52:40

Maybe you would be good candidates for counselling?

It's hard to tell on the end of the internet how much is your perception changing from one week to the next or him being a twat or him avoiding you when you're being hormonal and this just winding you up more. Or loads of other stuff.

Counselling might help you both unpick what is going on.

DragonsAreReal Sun 28-Jul-13 18:20:43

I have had counselling before and found it really helpful,

He won't ever apologise ever, we have really bad communication and I have two weeks every month of wondering what the hell were doing together. Yes he does try and yes there is lots of good but right now I'm really angry that I'm upset again.

What's the point of being with someone when it's miserable? When we're not together I miss him though. But he comes back and I run myself ragged baking his favourite cakes, cooking cleaning and being so nice while working and I can't keep up giving 100% when I don't feel he gives the same. I just end up being bitter and shrewish and resentful.

Arghh sorry for the rambling just writing it all down and getting it out is really helping me.

TheSilverySoothsayer Sun 28-Jul-13 18:27:23

You are people-pleasing, with your running yourself ragged doing stuff.

Does he do any of the cooking cleaning etc?

DragonsAreReal Sun 28-Jul-13 18:35:13

He does cook on the weekend or if I say I don't want to I'm the week and he does tidy up but not to the full extent I would. So he takes the rubbish out but doesn't put a black bag back in the bin.

He makes the beds every morning and does a general tidy up after me and the kids have left the house before he goes to work but sees it as I'm home by 2 and it's my house so it's for me to do. So he does help but wouldn't think to polish or clean the bathroom sink unless it was filthy.

arequipa Sun 28-Jul-13 19:01:26

He sounds quite reasonable/average to me, but gets fed up with the arguing so absents himself because he can. I can understand how furious this makes you as you are stuck there with childcare and domestic responsibility and cannot just walk away. I think maybe you are depressed because of your role in the household with hormonal changes triggering off this underlying discontentment. I think you feel guilty after each incident and try to over-compensate by being domestic goddess for a while, suppressing your increasing frustration in this role.
Next time you are reconciled, can you spend time talking it over and both together try to work out what happens? Without blaming each other or blaming yourself? Can you do this together with a therapist?

ruthie2468 Sun 28-Jul-13 19:11:45

He sounds juvenile and manipulative. His DD is never coming over again because you dared to question his behaviour? He is getting his own place because you argue? Probably the stress of being the perfect wife exhausts you to the point where you snap.

ruthie2468 Sun 28-Jul-13 19:12:06

And I agree with the other posters: call his bluff and tell him not to come back next time.

YoniBottsBumgina Sun 28-Jul-13 19:15:28

Hmm, I don't know. I think the PMT issue is clouding things here. From the extra info you've posted he does sound like he's being a bit of a dick. I mean, who tells a child no you can't have any cake and then gives the very same slice he was asking about to another child right in front of them? And bringing home food for himself and DC but not enough for you is just a mean spirited thing to do especially if you have cooked for everyone.

I don't mean to say that the pmt is a non issue or he's some kind of monster, but if you posted what you said in your last two posts as an OP you'd have been told to LTB by now.

It makes me wonder actually what makes the good 2 weeks good - does he save up his dickish behaviour for your period week or do you just smooth over it/let it go the rest of the time?

DragonsAreReal Sun 28-Jul-13 19:37:32

I'm not furious when he's not here I feel happy mostly and then after the usual 3 days when he comes back I have realised I missed him.

He also says really hurtful things just to be spiteful really. I've been doing driving lessons and he's always said he's going to buy me a car when I pass, even talking about ones he has saw that he wants to get for me. A few days before he left this time dd said she had seen a car that he could get me and he said he's not getting me a car no more as he doesn't want me to drive around my next boyfriend in it.

How ridiculous to be upset about a silly comment when I know next week he'l be on about a yaris again. Just really makes me feel unwanted and dispensable.

DragonsAreReal Sun 28-Jul-13 19:39:43

Ruthie I always tell him that he's not coming back, doesn't seem to make a difference. Think this time he's really not coming though.

WafflyVersatile Sun 28-Jul-13 19:46:28

I think that just goes to show how many facets there are to any situation presented on here.

I'd guess that the PMT is the main trigger and you've both got into a spiral of unhealthy behaviour patterns from there. But it's only a guess because as already said it's hard to unpick with a few posts on the internet.

WafflyVersatile Sun 28-Jul-13 19:46:50

x post.

WafflyVersatile Sun 28-Jul-13 19:48:03

If you are both at each other's throats 50% of the time is it really worth staying together?

WafflyVersatile Sun 28-Jul-13 19:51:41

missed out:

[and if you're happy when he's not there] is it worth staying together?

pictish Sun 28-Jul-13 19:56:37

Look face it - it's a mess. What a way to go on at one another!
Frankly, you both strike me as hot headed, impulsive, argumentative people, who are a little bit spiteful as well. You most certainly do not bring out the best in one another at all - quite the opposite.

Your kids are watching this whole charade.

How can it be worth it?

DragonsAreReal Sun 28-Jul-13 19:58:06

It doesn't seem worth it, there are so many facets and we can't even rationally talk about them all without him either being offended or having to be right.

I have been fine since Tuesday on my own but now I feel so sad that he isn't promising to work things out and is saying he doesn't love me right now.

He even rung my nan to put his rightness across and complain about my bad attitude and pride.

I want to be on my own but I want him to confused

WafflyVersatile Sun 28-Jul-13 19:59:44

MOAR counselling.

Not wanting to let him go and feeling sad is not the same as still wanting the relationship or it being worth saving.

DragonsAreReal Sun 28-Jul-13 20:19:40

It's not just a relationship I'm letting going it's my family. It's him, his dd his family that are dcs family to. I really love us when we are good and I'm afraid to let that all go.

notanyanymore Sun 28-Jul-13 20:30:18

Gosh you sound just like me & my DP in so many ways!

WafflyVersatile Sun 28-Jul-13 20:32:48

then you need to sit down when you're in a good phase and have a proper talk and consider counselling because carrying on in this vein can't be making anyone happy.

DragonsAreReal Sun 28-Jul-13 21:23:56

He wouldn't even consider counselling so that's a bit moot, he might in the right mood listen to all my complaints but nothing would change.

Last time he came up with a fridge chart and we had a nice and not nice tally chart going on, it did work for a while but we couldn't keep it up.

newlifeforme Sun 28-Jul-13 21:36:36

How long have you been together?

I think you need to figure out the issues,step parenting is likely to be a trigger.He may treat his daughter differently as that is very common issue - Disney parenting.

When you are both calm you need to discuss the issues without blame.When you are angry with him think about your underlying needs, what need is not being met? Earlier you mentioned feeling unloved, do you need to hear that you are loved & appreciated more frequentely? When he doesn't come back on time for dinner are you feeling neglected? If you then impose a dinner time rule he may rebel and the downward cycle begins.

I suspect your dp is highly defensive, my H is exactly the same, it makes conflict resolution very difficult/impossible.My h grew up with a violent & controlling mum and if he admitted mistakes he would be punished severely.He has years of this behaviour to unlearn and has been in counselling for nearly a year.

Whilst you can try different approaches to see if the situation gets better I would equally encourage you to consider separating especially if you don't have children between you.Sometimes relationships don't work and you would be best to call it a day as your children are learning from this negative relationship.

IloveJudgeJudy Sun 28-Jul-13 21:36:42

I spoke to someone recently who is now in a very calm relationship, but they told me that they had previously been in a very volatile relationship. They said the constant up/down cycles were very addictive and it was hard to break away. From what you have written it seems that you are in this destructive loop with someone that you can't live with or without. Only you can decide what to do.

In my relationship with DH we are both very tolerant of each other. I, too, have been in a quite volatile relationship, but it got too much in the end. Life is much better when people are tolerant. It's also got to be much better for any DC involved.

Lweji Sun 28-Jul-13 21:43:05

"we" couldn't keep it up, or he couldn't?

DragonsAreReal Mon 29-Jul-13 09:13:14

He text me good night so I text back saying if we're going to do this again then we really need to talk about everything without blaming the other, and he text back yes he doesn't know when as he's thinking about what he has to say.

Thanks for all the brilliant advice so far and for not minding my rambling.

DragonsAreReal Mon 29-Jul-13 20:22:52

Well he's actually truly left for good now. He said he can't cope with the constant arguing and me moaning at him (I had good reasons IE instead of paying any bills last month he bought a car and went paintballing) and he can't be bothered with being kicked out again so he's going to concentrate on him and get himself a place and move on and he doesn't understand why I wanted him to apologise about all these little incidences upthread and more because as far as he is concerned he has nothing to be sorry for.

So yes my family and little world is up shit creek and I'm now a single parent.

I really should feel happy he is a dickhead but i feel really lonely and that if I had just been more nicer and calmer and gave even more we would be ok and not have split up.

TheSilverySoothsayer Mon 29-Jul-13 22:43:14

dragons, feeling like that is normal in these circs. Those of us who have lived with emotional and other abuse have done so by repeatedly trying to be nicer and calmer and giving even more. And even though we managed to awaken and realise the truth, i.e. that nothing would make any difference except ending the relationship, we were/are still sometimes plagued by the feelings you describe. For now, just accept whatever feelings arise in you...and expect them to change from day to day, even hour to hour.

It takes a long time to heal, but the healing process has already begun.

I think someone already mentioned the EA thread upthread? Amazingly supportive smile

foreverondiet Mon 29-Jul-13 23:45:15

Need to sort out your pms/pmt. either mirena coil so no periods or try natural healthy route - lots of stuff on net if you google natural ways to beat pms.

Once that is dealt with need to sit down and work out what you argue over and see if you can agree on things - or whether you want to try counselling.

But I agree other posters - tell him if he goes to mums again he can't come back....

Lweji Tue 30-Jul-13 06:38:46

Yes, he's a dickhead.

The bills vs car and paintball alone deserve a LTB.

There's no amount of good will that can be calm in the face of such behaviour.

I strongly suspect your PMS will magically get better. And no more reasons to take the pill.

Make sure you shut the door firmly on him.
I suspect he'll try to be back if you stop contact.

He should need to prove himself over several months for you to give him a chance.

DragonsAreReal Tue 30-Jul-13 09:41:44

I feel so worn out when we're together because I do so much to keep him happy. Still feel lost without him but it's so nice going to bed when I want to, no arguments because I've said the wrong thing and the kids are happier to without his nagging at them all the time.

Last night I would of taken him back but this morning I feel great and why the hell do I need him anyway. All the shit he's done all the stunts he's pulled and got away with. ( he hid under my bed a few months ago when I went out leading me to believe he was at his mums, I came in 3am went to lie down and he jumped up from under the bed! He said it was a joke but I know deep down its his jealousy)

He's not coming back this time because Im not having him back again. I've got my keys I've sorted out my tax credits and stuff this morning, this is it.

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