Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
Feeling disrespected what do I do now?(34 Posts)
Have an ongoing issue/argument with DP. Basically, a few times he has thrown out stuff that belongs to me or DC. Not amazingly important stuff - once a bag of toys I had put away for DD when she was a toddler as she had too many out at once. Once a ride on she never played with and cluttered house but I wanted to keep as from my parents and expensive. Also a wedding invitation and details which was a pain and most recently a load of papers - which included some of my medical records and a £50 voucher.
I've expressed my annoyance/upset to him every time. The last time I got properly angry, didn't yell but told him really seriously that I found it really disrespectful and hurtful that he showed so little regard for my things. I really thought he got it but today I went out while he was at work leaving some of DDs drawings on his desk. I wanted to put them on wall but couldn't find any blu tac. I come home to find them torn up in kitchen bin.
I was so angry and I told him that. His reason 'I thought they were waste paper'.
Now I feel at the end of my tether. He keeps apologising and seemingly understands but just goes and does it again. He values different stuff - is not sentimental like me. He doesn't think stuff through in detail is more of a doer. And most of the stuff he has thrown away was lying around a bit. But I don't accept this as a reason to bin stuff. I think if he loves and respects me and knows that him chucking stuff bothers me he could look at stuff when he picks it up and not bin it unless it is his! I feel like taking all the clothes he has lying arounfld house and pouring bleach on them but that would make me a hypocrite!
I don't want to leave him over this but I think I need to do something to show him I am serious. What should I do mumsnet? At the moment I feel disrespected and tense about putting anything down in my house. It can't go on like this.
How can I rebuild trust and be convinced he respects me? I don't know what to ask for. And I wonder if I have been too forgiving. I'm not a sulker and when he has said sorry before I accept it and carry on as usual.
Help me mumsnet!
Sorry it is long. TIA
I'm afraid this sounds like something I could easily have done. If it's important I figure it would be put away somewhere safe. If it's left lying around it becomes fair game for the bin.
Can you have a tray/box each and an agreement that any
shit items which are lying around are dumped in appropriate box/tray and each person is responsible for sorting it?
My DH has a very low threshold for clobber - I am the kind of person that hoards everything (think ribbons that hold clothes to hangers, empty jam jars, buttons which fall off, ruined clothes which I am convinced might eventually be a patchwork quilt, coupons I never remember to use etc), then once every six month have a head on me and do a massive declutter, when I realistically realise I am unlikely to meet my aspirations and its just taking up space. He is the kind that doesn't keep it unless it has a clear purpose and always puts stuff away within about 48 hours - even if its just open post, bin envelope and add to 'in tray' of things which need filing.
He used to get really hacked off with me, now he tolerates me but presents me with piles of shit to 'sort out' every so often. In fairness I am much more on top of things now as I am home more - twas a nightmare when I was working long hours and travelling a lot. I used to get the right hump when he supplied me with yet another pile!
tbh if you have things that are important - put them in a box marked 'dont throw away
Hey, thanks for replying. Although, Vivacia, I don't think I'd get on well living with you either! DP is the first partner I have lived with. With housemates and my parents we wouldn't throw each other's stuff away. Maybe stick in a pile somewhere and say, 'oi, clear up your stuff.' if it was in the way. I do appreciate we have different definitions of clutter and I do usually tidy my stuff to a specific place. But I still think it's out of order to chuck stuff when he knows very well how I feel aboutit..
He threw some stuff away and you are considering leaving him?
Wow, I wonder how you'd react if he did something bad.
Chill. Life has way, way bigger curve balls than this to throw at you. And as said above, put important things somewhere safe.
I have this problem too ,and to be honset I don't see why I should have to label my own stuff in my own home " do not throw away" I expect my dh to know that if I wanted to throw it away I would have done and as I haven't then I don't want it thrown away.
Why should the OP have to label her medical records they do not belong to him and therefore he should not touch throw them away.
She may have left them out because she was expecting a call or something.
I know it sounds childish but I quietly gave my dp a taste of his own medicine and threw away a couple of things he had left around , I didn't go hunting but when he did leave things around I treated them as rubbish because that what he did to my things ,he has been much better since then
Oh dear spent too long writing that, didn't see the two newer posts. Thanks for your ideas. Adagio, I like your dumping box idea that could work. DP did suggest before that I keep everything in one place and I do usually stick stuff there. I still find it frustrating that he will not just stick things there rather than the bin. I accept it's not technically his responsibility but surely just good manners?
And I shouldn't get emotional about it but what he tore up today were four pictures drawn by his four year old one of each of the family, I had added the names on for her. Who sees a picture their daughter has just drawn of them, labelled 'daddy' and thinks 'that's rubbish I'll tear it into little bits and put it in the bin to soak up the weetabix'?
The OP said she is NOT considering leaving, read the OP
Cronullansw, it is not about the stuff, really. More about him knowing it upsets me and continuing to do it. And me not seeing how to make him understand that it upsets me when I have explained it in words so many times. Yes, life has thrown me plenty of other curve balls but this is the one I am dealing with right now.
Outtolunchagain yes, that is a good description. Why should I have to label in my own home? Maybe I should try some revenge like you!
This would really upset me.
Sometimes things get left on the table or counter. I'd hate to live in fear that these things would be binned because I'd been dealing with the kids (or something), and not had a chance to put them away.
Honestly. Tell him it's your home too and you should be able to put things down where you want.
We have a box file in the kitchen, for anything I don't know if I should bin or not.
I didn't think of it as revenge more that I took the same approach he did to me ,I suppose if he really hadn't cared then I would have had to accept that , but he did and it made an impression.
Sometimes you just need to have things to hand and not in a box,I once left out an insurance claim form because I wanted to be able to grab it as soon as the phone rang ,he threw it away in one of his tidy ups .When you have children you don't always have the time or the freedom to run upstairs to the filing cabinet ,to deal with calls .Aaargh .You can see this irks me !
I'm the worse one for throwing stuff out, can't cope with clutter, I barely look at what I'm binning sometimes.
Maybe he thought he was being helpful?
Is your house particularly messy?
Try and keep important stuff filed away.......
Thanks Tulips. I will be having a chat with DP in the morning. He went off to bed early, to avoid me I guess! And think I should too as baby will be up for feed soon. Thanks guys for your perspectives!
Throwing away something that does not belong to you is stealing as far as I am concerned. You have taken something that does not belong to you , that's theft.
It's a bit messy, nurse, but not too bad. We tidy it every week before cleaner comes. But you're right he probably didn't look at it. This is probably more of a personality clash than a massive sign of a doomed relationship and I'm feeling more hopeful now that we'll find a way to work around it so neither of us get fed up.
If it helps despite this driving me mad we have been happily married for 23 years and I wouldn't swop him for the world!!
Outtolunch, we are very similar I think. I like to keep stuff in view too otherwise I completely forget it. And sorry for calling it revenge. I see what you mean it is just using the same standards. Not sure if I could bring myself to chuck it though might just have to hide it...
That would upset me, too, OP. i think it's unpleasant and controlling. But I'm probably projecting, my ex used to throw away my knickers because they were "a bit tatty." To me, it would now be a red flag. He seriously thought your daughter's drawings were rubbish? Does he ever accidentally throw away his own stuff?
I like my house on organised and clutter free as to see clutter gives me a headache! Free of clutter, free of mind/ stress. Maybe that's how it is for your dh? A junk box in each room I could tolerate. Maybe that might help? But agree with other posters, it's a clash of personality not that he doesn't love you.
The message isn't getting through, so you need to fight fire with fire!
What does he love and leave lying about? clothes....best work shirt ....well, they were on the floor so I gave them to the charity shop.
Books ....well, they were old paperbacks, so I gave those to the shop too.
Statements, bank books? ..well I thought those were old ones, so I shredded them
Just go around the house finding anything that belongs to him, but isn't in a cupboard or drawer, and bin it.
Its childish .... but it does actually work in getting the idea across to someone who carries on regardless.
You need to let the full horror of the losses settle in thoroughly .....before revealing that everything is safely blackbagged in your car boot (unless of course, you really do want to dump his clothes etc).
It works. Mostly. Although my ex did continue to throw books away
But Cookiedough who gives you or anyone else the right to decide that my things are " junk" , the OP's daughters paintings were not "junk" , they were in her judgement not clutter either but had been left somewhere for a purpose.
I learned to live with this when I stopped accepting that my dh had the right to decide what was junk and what was not .I pull him up every time, if he throws away something important I get him to deal with the fall out,perhaps her dh could explain how he intends to explain to his daughter why he tore up her picture of him.
Every time he declares something of mine rubbish I explain that he has no right to do that ,that if he wants to live on his own with no clutter that's fine but a loving family will be there for him and a clutter free home will not , particularly as the items are not clutter anyway but my possessions which I need to be able to trust will remain where I have placed them for a purpose.
It's up there with top rules of life for me - no-one should throw away another person's stuff
unless the other person is dead or demented or otherwise incapacitated and can't sort their own stuff . It's why I don't have a cleaner - because they constantly throw out little bits & pieces that turn out to be (e.g.) a vital part of a toy which had come adrift - so toy is now useless. I absolutely couldn't stand living with someone who did it. I'm wary around a friend who does it, in the guise of 'helping out' when he visits. I watch him like a hawk and pounce! It's simply disrespectful.
Op sorry to hear this is such an issue for you. I am in the "I will throw anything that looks like rubbish/clutter out" camp. Especially if its unused and has been lying around for a ages collecting dust.
Maybe put those unused things that you don't want binned somewhere where your DP knows is off limits. With regards the drawings I can understand him throwing those away. You did leave them on his desk. Anything on my desk at home that isn't mine or looks like scrap
paper etc. normally gets binned.
Hope you can both come to a happy agreement...
Join the discussion
Please login first.