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Disappointed..

(66 Posts)
nitrox Thu 25-Jul-13 18:34:06

I just graduated. I received a card from all my loved ones apart from my boyfriend. We have been together over 4 years and he's been supportive of my degree in the most.

I don't understand, they are on the mantle, he's seen them. Got a few gifts yesterday from my mum, but still nothing today. Just a cheap 79p card would have been fine.

When I found out I had won an award and had to go to a special ceremony before the main graduation ceremony, he said 'cool' and then proceeded to ask me what time we have to leave now and other questions as though he was more irritated than happy.

He's said things to suggest that 'the world is my oyster and I can get a job anywhere', he is insecure and this has always caused conflict as I'm not, in fact I'm very outgoing.

I've posted a few times over the last 2yrs and I always come back to the same turmoil of whether to stay with him. We had a big row around Christmas where I said I wasn't happy and was thinking of whether we had a future or not, he said he would change, and did.. But it's things like this that make me wonder if he acting? Just wanting to get a house and family..

He made a fuss when I mentioned buying a smart/casual outfit got the graduation, even though he's a good looking and slim bloke, so he isn't self conscious or anything. He also made a fuss when I asked him to drive as his car is more reliable and I would be nervous and distracted.

I've been thinking of relocating for a job if I get offered one, and I know he won't want to.. I just don't know what on earth to do anymore...

I know you'll say the same as you have said before (I'm looking at you cogito) lol, but HOW do you decide?

I'm 30, have my own online business and no kids or financial ties..

nitrox Thu 25-Jul-13 18:35:40

To clarify, I think it's him that just wants a house and kids.. I would like to travel / work abroad.

Sorry if I drip feed, just so much of this iceberg is below the waterline.

nitrox Thu 25-Jul-13 18:37:37

To add also, most of my cards came when I got my grades about a month ago, so he's had time to sort it out for the graduation yesterday.

TreborMint Thu 25-Jul-13 18:38:57

Many congrats!

Your DP sounds jealous, very insecure and a bit mean to be honest ie he should've at least congratulated you properly and even if he didn't purchase a present, he could've shown how pleased he was and supported you more.

I don't know your back story but in terms of what you've written above, I wouldn't waste any time. You're young, intelligent and probably have some fantastic opportunities ahead of you.

LemonPeculiarJones Thu 25-Jul-13 18:41:37

He's envious and resentful and it sounds like he just wants to use your aheivements to pad his own life with things he cannot achieve himself (house, security). But he will never celebrate you or give you the support you need.

Leave him. It's a no-brainer. Stop hanging on. He's making his feelings clear. You don't sound compatible at all, either.

BloomingRose Thu 25-Jul-13 18:43:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BloomingRose Thu 25-Jul-13 18:48:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImperialBlether Thu 25-Jul-13 18:53:05

Congratulations! So you were running an online business at the same time as studying? That's fantastic, really.

I think I remember you! Didn't everyone tell you to leave him? (Mind you, that's not unique on here!)

Personally, I think he's jealous and trying to minimise your achievements. He's frightened you will reach your potential and move away and travel and do all those things he is too scared to do.

Is your business one you could run from anywhere in the world?

In my opinion, you're 30, you're young, hardworking, successful. If you want to travel now, do it. If you want to work abroad, do it. He'll be miserable unless you're doing nothing like him.

Make the most of your life.

MadBusLady Thu 25-Jul-13 18:54:00

I'm a little puzzled. I haven't read your previous threads. Is he jealous of your success? I would never have deduced that from not buying a card (wouldn't occur to me to buy graduation cards TBH), and not wanting to drive to an event (a bit churlish of him, but there could be all kinds of reasons). It sounds more like he's just generally unenthusiastic about life. Which can be a bit of a downer, certainly.

When you say how do you decide, it's usually about weighing up positives and negatives. So what are the positives about him?

nitrox Thu 25-Jul-13 18:58:46

Thanks very much for the replies, I feel like I want to ask him why he didn't get me a card, but I don't know if its worth the fall out really.

I think he is jealous, most of the time he's seemingly been supportive of my degree, but I'm wondering if he just likes the drama in things, seeing me struggle and worry about my grades and knowing I'm working late into the evenings whilst he falls asleep on the sofa. It's almost as though, now I've got a First and an award on top of that, he's worried that I'm now going to leave. Why he didn't make a fuss about things I don't know? I would have for him.. I would have got a card, a meaningful gift and probably loads of balloons or something silly. I even heard him shuffling about late the night before my graduation and I thought he was putting up some congratulations banners / balloons etc.. But he wasn't and I was so disappointed. I feel like I'm being a spoilt brat about it, but I really don't think I am.

He's always been awkward and insecure and he definitely not into academia, which wasn't a problem for me, but maybe it is for him?

I feel trapped.. And confused.

He's got a good job but he hates it as his boss is always on at him apparently, but again, he loves to play the victim, and despite many attempts to help him either get a new job or consider his options, he doesn't do anything proactive and I'm getting tired of the same moaning from him every day. He got lots of savings and is financially stable. His mum is very off with me and always has been, he doesn't see any other family.. I've got a large family scattered around the globe and I'm now scared of moving to another country for a good job. Where I live isn't my home town, so I've moved about over the years, I don't think he'll move and I feel like its holding me back.

Busybusybust Thu 25-Jul-13 18:59:59

You've outgrown him haven't you OP. Time for you to move on. Dump him.

Numberlock Thu 25-Jul-13 19:04:07

I'm scared of moving to another country for a good job

Come on OP, time to ditch the loser boyfriend. You've studied hard and got a first and you're really going to let him hold you back?

He's really warped your thinking hasn't he...

ImperialBlether Thu 25-Jul-13 19:04:54

He's a miserable bloke, isn't he? I've re-read some of your old threads and he was dodgy back in 2011!

Fantastic that you got a First - I remember you were obviously working really hard. Congratulations.

How could he not do something to celebrate that? What a miserable man he is.

So come on, think of your future. Let him move back in with his miserable mother. Set off on your travels. Why not have six months where you go to visit your family overseas and just have an adventure?

ofmiceandmen Thu 25-Jul-13 19:04:57

I'm with Madbus - haven't read your precious thread and can't really see below the water line.

This is going to be uncomfortable reading:
I think he senses that you want more, perhaps more than him, and this graduation is the catalyst for you to act. Did you stay because it was easier during your studies? did he feel you did?
You are making wholesale decisions about travelling, relocating etc etc I don't really see him in any of your plans? i think he senses that.

You're the successful bloke who's wife suddenly see's him gaining promotion and he thinks "right this is where we are heading- 2 kids, suburbs, new car" without looking over his shoulder to see his wife wondering "kids, SAHM, where do I get a say in this".

Have you worked together to see how he can raise his prospects, have you been as supportive as he has been in him improving his life?

Numberlock Thu 25-Jul-13 19:06:50

I missed the bit where he's been supportive or her mice?

ofmiceandmen Thu 25-Jul-13 19:09:30

Num i read this bit

"We have been together over 4 years and he's been supportive of my degree in the most"

ArgyMargy Thu 25-Jul-13 19:10:08

If he is like this now, how will he cope when you start earning more than him? I don't think the future looks bright for you as a couple. hmm

ImperialBlether Thu 25-Jul-13 19:10:56

He's felt threatened all along, and instead of rising to the challenge and aiming high, he's resented you your potential.

Take this opportunity now to change your life. You don't want to be on here in 2015, moaning about his miserable nature.

nitrox Thu 25-Jul-13 19:11:06

Madbuslady - I wouldn't have thought he was jealous at first, but I think he's jealous in so far as I've archived something which gives me options, he doesn't have many work options (he says) and hates his job and I think he jealous that I can move on in something I love.

Good points. He's very loyal and would make a great father to any kids we had. He can be very fun company. He makes me laugh.

Bad points. He hates anything new. Doesn't like the socialise and then slags people off when we do. Lack of conversation. He makes hundreds of jokes that aren't funny and wonders why I'm not laughing or if he finds something that's funny he'll go on about it until its not funny anymore. Lack of initiative.

Also, this year I noticed he was ramping up the pressure for sex, especially when I'm tired and stressed. A couple of times he's sulked and I've had it out with him, but he's denied it. I'm not stupid though. Considering he was very backwards about sex when we met, and I've brought him out of his shell a lot, and was very patient with him, so this annoys and worries me. I feel as though its a control thing, a test almost, to see of I still want him.

He's also very crass about sex, and goes on about our sex life all the time which irritates me. It's always pre-arranged during the daytime and always have to be showered beforehand. I've had a previous long term partner of 8.5yrs and I don't remember showering or every pre-arranging our sex life.

Also, I've noticed this year he's been leaving the food shopping for me to pay for. We are 50/50 on everything and earn similar amounts. Even when I earned half his wage it was the same. I brought it up recently and he started buying more shipping, but I felt pretty annoyed about it. He's got a lot more savings that me.

Ad yes, I worked full time in my business, and went Uni for lessons and worked all evenings and weekends.. I'm so glad it's over lol.

Gah!

ofmiceandmen Thu 25-Jul-13 19:11:41

But it sounds as though you have out grown him, whatever the reasons. and there isn't enough in the relationship tank to see you past the degree and the next few years.

Time to leave before it slides into a negative, resentful process for both.

Good luck.

PerchedOnMyPeddleStool Thu 25-Jul-13 19:15:40

I think Busybusybust hit the nail on the head.
Move on OP and live YOUR life, not the life someone else wants

nitrox Thu 25-Jul-13 19:16:19

Cross posts with a few people sorry.. He's been verbally supportive, but that's all really, he's not helped with any of my work, or even read anything I've written, he just says 'I won't understand it so what's the point'.

I've actively tried to encourage him to be happier, especially in his working life, said I'd do his CV, I'd help him apply for new jobs, even offered to help set him up with a business.. He says he wants too and then nothing happens.

I think the person that said he is piggybacking onto my success is probably right. And also that I've outgrown him.. I don't want to outgrow him though, I just want t be happy with what I've got, but its just not happening and this feeling won't go away.

takeaway2 Thu 25-Jul-13 19:19:02

It sounds like you are outgrowing him. Doesn't really matter what the reasons are. Doesn't even matter if these reasons aren't 'valid' because at least from your pov they are valid.

I would make all effort to find a great job. Whether its in your current town or half way across the world. There's nothing stopping you now. Not him.

MadBusLady Thu 25-Jul-13 19:20:08

Well, he sounds a right misery, and you listed more bad points than good - so that looks pretty open and shut from the outside. I think my puzzlement arose because your OP sounded like you're trying to find "reasons" to leave him, i.e. terrible things he's done, and really, you don't need them. There's no shame in realising you're just not suited to someone (any more). Maybe you're hesitating because you feel you need some sort of clear permission from somewhere to end it?

nitrox Thu 25-Jul-13 19:22:07

Ofmiceandmen - I talked to him at Christmas about my feelings, I said I wasn't sure if things were right, I didn't lay blame on either on of us and just said I didn't feel the way I should. I was very honest but without being hurtful. He just flew off the handle, accused me of having an affair with my male best friend and all sorts.

It ended up with him apologising and asking me to stay until I finished my degree and then I could decide. So that's what we did, I felt that the stress of Uni was clouding my judgement and I think he saw it as a way of holding onto the relationship in the hope that I'd change my mind.

It was my 30th in may and I had to tell him beforehand that I wanted to do something special because he seems to have this habit of not planning anything and I didn't want the day ruined. I have always done special things for my 18th, 21st ect and if he wasn't doing anything I would have planned something myself. I would have loved a family meal with some friends too, but he's just so unsociable that I feel bad asking.

nitrox Thu 25-Jul-13 19:27:33

Thanks for all the replies x

I think I am looking for permission, I feel like I'm going to ruin his life by leaving him and I don't know how to get past that.

I do love him, we have some great times.. But then he gets shitty about something and nothing and I'm back to square one.

I can imagine not thinking to get a card, but surely when others have, you would go and get one.

I've said before that I don't need big gifts, just small silly things are fine ( this was after a few Xmas and birthday where I'd get given my gift before the day and he would drop so many hints that it wasn't a surprise).. Sounds selfish, but its like he wants to get it out of the way and not out any genuine effort into a thoughtful gift, just throws money at it, which in my mind isn't right. I even went as far as an amazon gift list of things I'd love, and he ignored every single one.

Just feel like we are not on the same page at all.

nitrox Thu 25-Jul-13 19:29:49

Imperial, his mother, ergh, she's a problem in herself, and he has said he would move back home, how sad.

I want to go travel, my sister keeps trying to get me out to Oz, and I know I should go.

He also keep trying to get me to borrow money from him, for my work, a better car etc.. And I think it's all part of the need to control me and 'keep' me.

Numberlock Thu 25-Jul-13 19:31:08

What did he do for your 30th out of interest?

ofmiceandmen Thu 25-Jul-13 19:35:01

Nitrox you don't need permission. do what's best for your future.

With the additional information I really can't see where else you can go with this.
in an odd way you will probably be doing him a favour, giving him a chance to grow. (Big oak etc).
Hope that helps.

ofmiceandmen Thu 25-Jul-13 19:36:52

ps- AND THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT

you have no children and no legal attachments (marriage). Please leave before the former happens or the latter becomes the inevitable.

This is probably the only time when parting will be less messy. Take it!

Good luck

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 25-Jul-13 19:41:31

I think you could make the decision easier if you phased it as a trial separation rather than going from where you are now to splitting up in one fell swoop. You've been together quite a long time and there's an element of 'habit' and obligation that creeps in. If nothing drastic or dramatic happens, you'll just bumble along... probably sleepwalking into marriage, kids and mortgages in the process. Take a serious break and you'll be better placed to work out what you want. Stay there looking at each other over the cornflakes and you won't have the heart to end what sounds like it's well past its sell-by.

ImperialBlether Thu 25-Jul-13 19:45:05

Rather than seeing yourself as taking something from his life if you left him, try seeing it as you've given him a number of years where he had the chance to make huge changes in his life (learning to be more sociable, making changes to his career) and he flat out refused to take them.

I think by not giving you a card and by not doing stuff for your birthday (without prompting), he is telling you that you aren't special. He's putting you in your place.

OP, it is so clear to us. You are special. You've done fantastically well on your degree. You've run a business simultaneously. You're not leaving university broke and without opportunities. You will always do well.

He can see this and (I think) he thinks you have it easy, because he can't bear to acknowledge that actually you've worked really hard. If he acknowledges that, he has to acknowledge he could have done the same, but he didn't.

For god's sake go off and see your sister in Australia. Do it as a treat for working so hard; the advantage of it also is to get you out of his miserable clutches.

ImperialBlether Thu 25-Jul-13 19:45:42

Oh and if you try to dump him, he'll propose marriage, so be warned.

karinmaria Thu 25-Jul-13 19:50:42

Reading your posts make me think of my sister OP.

She is a little younger than you and was in a very similar situation this time last year. She'd been having doubts about her boyfriend, who she'd been with for almost six years. He is a nice guy but had no ambition and she felt they were more like friends. He didn't do anything nice for her anymore and seemed to take her presence for granted, spending time in a job he hated and moaned about and resenting her for spending time with family and friends because he wasn't sociable (even though our mum was very ill at the time).

After finishing her education she wanted to get a job in that field and was offered something amazing but in a different part of the country.

She agonised and talked to her boyfriend. He also tried to make her stay. She left and has not looked back. She feels that if she had stayed she would have resented him for holding her back and this would have slowly eaten away at their relationship eventually.

Incidentally after having panic attacks and vomiting during previous discussions, her boyfriend is fine. He left the job he hated and has a lovely new girlfriend.

OP I'm going to ask you the same questions I asked my sister. Do you look forward to coming home to him every night? Can you see yourself marrying him, having children etc? Does he make an effort for you when it comes to the small stuff?

If you feel trapped and you feel like he's holding you back, then it seems you've outgrown him. And he sounds like he knows it and is desperately trying to keep you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 25-Jul-13 19:51:01

Australia really does look like a godsend in this situation. You could even play it that it's a 'LDR' to start with.

MaryBateman Thu 25-Jul-13 19:52:27

As everyone else has said you have outgrown him and you need to move on. Yes I'm sure it will be hard but trying to life your life as you wan't with someone continually trying to drag you down will become intolerable.

Chances are that you will get yourself a great job or build your business to be even more successful and he will just become even more jealous and resentful. You've tried to help him get a better job but he hasn't been arsed. He sounds incredibly immature.

Walk away, go travelling and have a fabulous life. Better to do it now than 5 years down the line.

MadBusLady Thu 25-Jul-13 20:02:10

Better to do it now than 5 years down the line.

Yes MaryBateman! OP, annoyingly, I have discovered that I didn't reach late twenties/30 and stay there forever wink. You only get so many shots at being the "bright new young thing" - in career, in love, in leisure, life generally. It gets harder to make new starts as you get older - not massively harder, I know people do it. But a bit harder. You've done a lot with your twenties already and you sound like you have so much more energy to give - don't waste it on things that you know deep down aren't going to work out for you.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Thu 25-Jul-13 20:04:05

You don't need to have a reason for ending things. Life is too short to waste it in unsatisfactory relationships.
Good luck with your bright future :-) Go have some adventures!

ImperialBlether Thu 25-Jul-13 20:09:15

Yes, you could end it at a distance. Put your things in storage or at your mum's and say you're going over to have a break from studying.

What would happen to your business if you went away?

MaryBateman Thu 25-Jul-13 20:19:36

Yep MadBusLady has said the things I forgot. And she is absolutely spot on.

Imagine you get the job of your dreams and you know you have to put in some extra hours to build your career. Networking events after hours, breakfast meetings, company away days involving overnight stays, social events where partners are invited. You just know it's going to be a moan fest. And you will be pressurised to not go 'as it's not fair on him.' And before you know it you'll no longer be the bright young thing. You'll be the one who can't do stuff. And so others will be invited to do those things and you'll slowly be left behind. He really isn't worth it.

Ezio Thu 25-Jul-13 20:43:50

Nitrox You've worked hard, knuckled down, got through it, so go enjoy it, live it like you deserve it, dont let this downer of a man drag you eback, if you dont wanna settle, then dont, the world is waiting, so go and bloody greet it.

JustinBsMum Fri 26-Jul-13 07:51:17

As in karinmaria's post there is a good chance that you moving on is the catalyst he needs to sort his life out. He isn't fulfilling his aims either from the sound of it. Start making your plans and once they are in place tell him you are leaving (shortly before you go or you will have to put up with possibly weeks of recriminations) and best of luck to him.

nitrox Fri 26-Jul-13 08:18:27

Thanks everyone, sorry I didn't come back last night, I was just mulling everything over and trying to work out what to do.

I've been here so many times before and I always end up just carrying on, until the next things that puts me into this spiral of despair.

I've not said anything to him, but I think he senses something. I have text him this morning to ask why he didn't get me a card. I know texting isn't great, but when I talk face to face he always goes way over the top, he can't just talk like adults, he descends into name calling, bringing up the past, accusing me of an affair.. basically anything that can divert the attention from his selfishness.

He's replied saying he's sorry and there is something on its way for me this morning, flowers probably from Interflora.. but that's totally missing the point.. and it's also why I've left it until today to say anything as I had a feeling he would say 'I've ordered something actually!', he's had enough time and two chances (my grades being released and the day itself) to sort out a card.

This really is the tip of the iceberg. I think I'm fed up of leading the relationship, thinking of all the ideas, not having my partner inspire me in any way and just feeling like he's smothering me with his desperation.

I'd love to go to Australia and I really don't know why I don't. I keep saying to my sister that if I were single I would be on a plane out there straight away. But this relationship isn't making me happy, so why am I staying in it??

nitrox Fri 26-Jul-13 08:22:25

My 30th, we went to London for the weekend, something I've mentioned to him about wanting to do. We staying in a Travelodge, and just did sightseeing, led by me of course. I took us to all the places, worked out the tube etc etc..

I had booked tickets (and paid myself) to go and see Les Miserables, but he fussed so much over what to wear, 'I don't want to have to dress up and be poncey' etc, that I pretended I wasn't bothered either and so we didn't go. blush

He literally just booked the train tickets and hotel for that weekend and I sorted out everything else it seems.

I had a great time, partly due to the great weather, but we didn't go out for drinks, or meet up with the couple of old friends I know in London.. confused sad

I was single in my early 20's for about 10 months, and it's some of the happiest times I remember.

nitrox Fri 26-Jul-13 08:28:33

Cogito and Imperial - I'm always amazing at how easily you read my situation, I guess it's a common theme in relationships.

Do you look forward to coming home to him every night? Can you see yourself marrying him, having children etc? Does he make an effort for you when it comes to the small stuff?

He's always odd when he gets in from work, I wouldn't say I look forward to it really no blush.

If I think of a wedding, all I see is him ruining it by stressing about what he'll wear, who to invite, where it'll be held etc..

Small stuff - not really.. only in so far as what I ask him to do, and to be honest, more recently he's not been bothering. When I've been at maximum stress levels with work and Uni, especially at Christmas time, it's when he seems to slack the most. If I've not done any housework, neither will he, even though he can see I'm struggling.

changeforthebetter Fri 26-Jul-13 08:31:25

My X told me my first with distinctions wasn't the best as it wasn't starredhmm My higher degree was a "failed PhD" hmm hmm (I wasn't funded nor had I applied for a PhD. I did apply for and get funding for the degree I got). He is jealous and/or feeling inadequate. Don't marry him and fgs don't have kids with him ( though I wouldn't swap mine now). Oh and huge congratulations on your degree and awardsmile thanks wine

TSSDNCOP Fri 26-Jul-13 08:32:58

OP one thing I know now, al though you should work on a relationship it shouldn't feel like hard work. The thing that comes over in your posts is the sheer amount of effort required in your relationship.

Time to leave before resentment and bitter become your room-mates.

nitrox Fri 26-Jul-13 08:44:15

changeforthebetter wow, my BF hasn't been that obvious, but I get the feeling he would love to say something similar.

TSSDNCOP he's been hard work from the start, he really has. sad I should have walked away then.

OctopusPete8 Fri 26-Jul-13 08:51:02

Oh dear I feel really , sad reading this , you love life just seems so sad,

the showering thing is odd, how have you played along with it so long, what does he do say, I'm feeling randy go and get showered?

you don't even have kids to turn your life into a drudgefest there's no excuse really.

nitrox Fri 26-Jul-13 08:55:22

The sex thing - he will text during the day asking me if I fancy it.. confused a lot of the time I'm busy with work, and no I don't 'fancy it', but I guess I go along with it. So yes, when he gets it he'll say 'are you going to get a shower?' in an apparently sexy way.. and so I do, he does and then I'm waiting for him to finish his shower and I'm sorry, but the romance / passion etc is all gone for me by that point blush.

To the point where I don't look forward to it at all.

I have tried to talk to him about this, and said it would be nice to just do it in the morning when we wake up at the weekend, or sometimes it's nice just to do it because we want to. But he pretty much said he liked to be clean and didn't seem keen at all.

When I think back to my ex, it was the total opposite, so I think I know what 'normal' is, whereas he was most likely a virgin when we met, or pretty close to that.

OctopusPete8 Fri 26-Jul-13 09:37:41

confused

no wonder, it seems very clinical, it's what prozzies n punters do.

Me n' DH are each others firsts and we don't do that. So I don't think being inexperienced matters, does he have like any other cleanliness issues.

nkf Fri 26-Jul-13 09:40:43

My ex didn't buy me a thing when I got a terrific promotion. Bad bad sign.

UnrequitedSkink Fri 26-Jul-13 09:56:17

How would he react if you told him that you'd decided to go abroad to visit your sister for a few weeks? I think you need to get some head space so you can see what is glaringly obvious to the rest of us: this man is a drain, not a radiator. You're so young and talented and above all free to do what you want! There are massive warning signs all over the place that you really should not get tied down to him.

nitrox Fri 26-Jul-13 10:12:49

Arghhh blush I agree with everything that's being said, I just can't see a way out.

We just went on holiday, it was nice, if not a little boring.. and so I have lost 2 weeks wages, which is hard when you are self employed.

I have just emailed the company that gave me the award as he gave me his business card and asked me to email him. I can only hope that going into the industry I have my degree in would give me an escape route without feeling guilty.

Boyfriend is grovelling by text now, saying how sorry he is hat he's upset me.

That's the problem, he upsets me, the damage is done then he's oh so very sorry and grovelling and I forgive again too easily.

I think I might make a plan to visit my sister, I've not seen her in 2.5years, I just need to save up for the tickets and pick a time, I know once I'm out there I'll love it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 26-Jul-13 10:34:49

Don't stay with someone just because they grovel. All you can ever feel for someone like that is contempt and that really doesn't bring out the best in anyone.

AuntieVenom Fri 26-Jul-13 10:44:24

I'll never forget the words of a Uni lecturer just before graduation. He said that on graduation people that were in a relationship either got engaged or broke up. I was one of the ones that broke up with my long term university boyfriend (with him 4 years). Everything you're describing is how I felt with my ex in the months before we split and the relief we did was immense.
To quote Steve Jobs “Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."

cory Fri 26-Jul-13 10:48:26

tbh I am not convinced from what you tell me that he even would be a great father (one of the few positives on your list)

being a father isn't just about blowing raspberrys at a chubby baby: it includes a lifetime of being a support and a rock to someone who eventually is set to outgrow you and leave you, having quite possibly out-clevered you

he sounds terribly insecure for that role

Dahlen Fri 26-Jul-13 11:06:06

YOu need to end this now. Whether intentional or unintentional this man is leaching the joy out of you and you want completely different things. There is no future for the two of you other than one marred by lost dreams and growing resentment.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 26-Jul-13 11:17:36

nitrox I really wish you could see yourself and your relationship the way it looks from the outside.

You: Bright, successful, active, clever
Your relationship: joyless and dismal bond with a loser who is dragging you down

You can't see a way out because you've been mired inside for so long, and you -- overachiever that you are! -- have a tendency to focus on everyone's wellbeing before your own. But you are only trapped so long as you feel obligated to this man and responsible for his wellbeing. The day you realise that he is responsible for his wellbeing, and you are responsible for yours, is the day you will see that the way out is right there, and is as simple as booking that trip to Australia, applying for that job abroad, turning to him and saying "Loserboy, this relationship isn't working for me, it's over."

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 26-Jul-13 11:22:34

Actually... if overachievers have a fatal flaw it's that they are tenacious. They will keep trying to make something work long after others would have given up. An admirable quality in a lot of respects... Alan Sugar wouldn't employ a quitter... but a disaster in terms of relationships.

nkf Fri 26-Jul-13 11:52:46

Cogito, you're onto something there.

Don't let this man hold you back! He sounds like hard work and actually a waste of your time, and you must stop letting yourself be dragged down by him.

Get booked on a flight and get to Australia to see your sister, 2 and a half years is a long time..,.and it will make for a clean break.

Life is too short!

ImperialBlether Fri 26-Jul-13 12:12:15

OP, how long would it take you to save up for a trip to Australia? When you say you're working now, do you mean you're working for yourself? Is it the kind of business where if you put a lot of effort in now, you'll make a lot more money? (Not sure what kind of business you have.)

Yes, I daresay you'll get a bunch of flowers this afternoon. Too little, too late. A gift you've had to ask for isn't a gift. Wouldn't it have been nice if just once he'd been proud enough of your achievements to have them delivered on the day you got your results?

He knows you're trying to escape now and he'll do anything he can to keep you there. I wouldn't be surprised if a proposal comes out of nowhere, or a suggestion that you have children now. The more you slip away emotionally, the harder he'll try to drag you back. Don't let him.

What I would really love is for you to come back on here from Australia, where you're having a fantastic time.

clam Fri 26-Jul-13 12:15:54

So if I say to you, how will you feel being married to him in 20 years' time, what's you gut reaction? Heart sinking? Rosy-eyed contentment?

You're in a very strong position; sounds like he knows it. Move on.

karinmaria Sat 27-Jul-13 05:54:39

Morning nitrox,
Funnily enough your answers to my questions where near on identical to my sister's.

You just don't sound happy. You've just earned a fabulous educational accolade which will help your business and career and yet you don't seem to be allowing yourself to feel proud of your achievement because your of your bf.

Cogito is really onto something with her last comment.

The sex thing is also very odd and seems to be like everything else in your relationship: all about him. Why aren't your needs being met?

You say you'd like some spontaneity but that never happens. You would like him to recognise life events like graduations and birthdays but he never does unless you prompt him. You'd like to go out and socialise but he makes such a fuss that he spoils it for you. (Even on your 30th birthday weekend.)

You are with a man so inherently selfish and manipulating that he is sapping the life out of you.

I can understand you can't see a way out but surely that's the only way? I am sure if you packed your bags, called one of your friends and told him/her what you have told us, they would take you in until you'd sorted a new place or house share. That's what friends do. That is your way out.

conorsrockers Sat 27-Jul-13 06:32:16

It's super hard. But it must be done. (and I'm definately not one of the LTB gang). There's nothing there for you and he is not your responsibility. Get yourself a 0% credit card and book that plane ticket.Take your stuff to your Mum's and go. The quicker you get it over with, the kinder it will be for both of you. I was in a very similar situation 10 years ago and it was one of the hardest things I did (and even harder not to go back when he begged and pleaded for 6 months after). Don't waste another minute. This is the start of the rest of your life. Be strong.

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