Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Is he ea?

(27 Posts)
Bloodysuperwoman Thu 25-Jul-13 12:40:39

Been married for three years. Had a lot of stuff go on since being together,but feeling that I want out.
I have recently been made redundant from a longstanding job,so decent payout. I have accepted a new job which will be much more pressurised but better money. He will now have to do all nursery run & weekend cc. I do all housework,cooking,ironing etc. We both work full time.
The house is on the market as we need out,he has rowed with every neighbour. It's not where I want ds to grow up.
I said last night with trepidation that I was going out next week for the evening.He went mad that cc would be down to him & that he doesn't go out. No,because he doesn't want to & has no friends.
Since being with him I've no longer got close friends as such,no one comes to the home because he makes such an issue that it has become too much bother & it's embarrassing.
I'm 40,he's 50.

Bloodysuperwoman Thu 25-Jul-13 12:43:38

He has also said I shouldn't take the job. I made it v clear what would be the implications of me doing it. He came home the night I was offered it,looking at property websites. Funnily enough he wouldn't cough up when he earnt more.
I feel weak that I've let it coast for so long sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 25-Jul-13 12:45:35

Emotional abuse is usually a sustained pattern of behaviour designed to control the other partner. Isolation from friends is common. Being offensive and aggressive over petty things (neighbours?) is another. Controlling your social life by bullying you into staying home sounds very emotionally abusive to me. Either way he's really unpleasant.... presumably he wasn't like this when you met him.

Bloodysuperwoman Thu 25-Jul-13 12:48:30

He met me & made me his world & would get v upset when I didn't see him. I felt he offered me commitment & would drop everything for me.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 25-Jul-13 12:48:46

You're not weak. People like this are very manipulative and can be quite charming in the early days. They don't stand out from the crowd if you don't know what you're looking for. Even then, they're tricky to spot.

You can't change the past or un-make decisions but you can decide to have a different future. Do you have friends or family IRL that you could confide in? Some of those old close friends I bet have been waiting for you to get in touch and shout 'get me out of here'.... Make a few calls and I'm sure you'll get a lot of support.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 25-Jul-13 12:51:15

Oh dear.... rushing someone into a relationship and getting too heavy and possessive too quickly is a classic 'red flag' for emotional abuse. They do it in the hope that, being swept off your feet, you'll put it down to passion and romance won't look too closely at what they're really like.... obsessive and manipulative. Once they've won the prize, you're no longer of any interest to them except as something they can control and put-down.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 25-Jul-13 12:53:14

"I said last night with trepidation that I was going out next week for the evening"

A relationship where 'trepidation' features is one where fear rules rather than love.

Bloodysuperwoman Thu 25-Jul-13 12:53:39

I found out recently that he had been trying to contact his family. Family that he told me were dead,dc that I found out about through some detective work. It seems there was dv to the ex sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 25-Jul-13 12:56:34

If you needed any more pointers... Are You Dating An Abuser? What ideas have you got about getting out?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 25-Jul-13 12:58:37

If he assaulted his ex, is aggressive with you and has been lying about his past then please make your safety (and any DCs) absolutely top priority. Do give Womens Aid a call (from outside the home if necessary) and ask their advice on how to exit this marriage safely. Did your detective work involve talking to the police?

Bloodysuperwoman Thu 25-Jul-13 12:59:47

I will hopefully break even on the home sale. Mortgage in my name. My pay off would allow a small deposit on another property,or thinking I could rent. My problem is childcare,no one to help. Ds is in nursery ft but my working hours are shifts.

Bloodysuperwoman Thu 25-Jul-13 13:02:49

No. I've called the police a few times over the years as although he hasn't hit me,I've felt threatened.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 25-Jul-13 13:03:04

I don't think you should let your working hours keep you trapped with a potentially violent man. If he's this unpleasant to you and others when he thinks everything's going well, he could be incredibly dangerous once he finds out you're thinking of leaving with DS.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 25-Jul-13 13:03:50

You have to get yourself and your DS safe. Could you talk to work about changing your hours to fit with the nursery?

Bloodysuperwoman Thu 25-Jul-13 13:09:07

I haven't even started the new job yet. I asked for different hours,they said no. The salary could make a real difference to our lives but he's not even thankful.
Most of the time we bob along ok,no arguing,no passion or fun,just getting along.
Ds adores him. I don't love him,I don't like him much either.
Ds is only two.

Bloodysuperwoman Thu 25-Jul-13 13:11:40

My mum is not that well so couldn't help much & my sisters are both miles away. I have no friends that could help regularly.
A nanny would be the best idea but I couldn't afford it. I also know he would make life so very difficult.
He was early 40s when he left his last relationship. He had some money,now not so much.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 25-Jul-13 13:13:27

DS will still adore him, even if he lives under a different roof. Do nothing and DS's adoration will eventually mean he either grows up thinking that this is an acceptable way for men to treat women .. or... it'll turn him into an angry young man, frustrated that he couldn't protect his lovely Mum from his bullying Dad.

BTW... there's only no arguing because there's too much 'trepidation'. You will be consciously avoiding saying or doing anything remotely controversial because you fear the response.

Twinklestein Thu 25-Jul-13 13:20:18

If you're thinking of leaving please protect yourself in advance, as advised above, as breakups are key triggers for dv.

Don't think that if he hasn't got physical in the past he will never...

If it were me I'd be planning a new life without him.

Bloodysuperwoman Thu 25-Jul-13 13:20:44

I don't know. Sometimes I really bring about the rows etc if we have them. He is quite moody. I will then say my piece & if I get nothing back (he will say I'm not rowing) then I continue. Last night during the conversation about me going out,he said get yr mum to babysit. She had never babysat,we have nowhere for her to stay & her home is too small for ds to go there. I replied why don't we ask your dad,poor sod,he's not dead. I know he visited or tried to make contact with him recently. He can't admit that though as he told me he died of cancer years ago.
I saw a fb message from his son when he'd messaged him. That confirmed some suspicions.

Bloodysuperwoman Thu 25-Jul-13 13:23:10

I look at myself from outside of myself & think wtf have I done allowing this person in? I've let him sad

sherbetpips Thu 25-Jul-13 13:28:23

This happened to a good friend of mine both had good careers then she got made redundant. He was very happy that she was at home with the kids, went out whenever he wanted to, knowing she was home. So when she looked to get another job it all went pear shaped, he refused to look after the kids, kicked up a fuss if she wasnt around on demand, belittled her and her job in front of people. She walked out eventually, he was devastated. Well he was for 6 months until he found a replacement, perfectly happy bossing her around now.

Runoutofideas Thu 25-Jul-13 13:28:51

From a practical side of things, could you afford to rent somewhere that is large enough to house an au pair? You could keep DS in nursery and she could pick him up, bring him home and put him to bed. As long as she doesn't have more than 20ish hours per week then this would cost you £80-£100 pw. Would this enable you to get out and continue with the better paid job?

Bloodysuperwoman Thu 25-Jul-13 13:29:36

I have said that I might just sell the house & rent somewhere for ds & I because he is controlling. He told me I am the one who twists things.

Bloodysuperwoman Thu 25-Jul-13 13:33:52

Wasn't sure on an au pair. I'd then need to rent a 3 bed place which would be pretty costly on top of paying nursery. I know he wouldn't pay anything for ds,well I assume not. I've looked through stuff & don't think he's paid for his other children.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 25-Jul-13 13:35:23

Anyone can make a mistake or a bad choice. You've not to beat yourself up about that. The early days of relationships a lot of it is based on trust, you're making allowances because you like someone, and it's easy to overlook minor things (like him getting upset when he couldn't monopolise your time) and think they're one-offs or someone's having a bad day. If you're not an abusive, manipulative person and you tend to see the best in others, they'll exploit that.

It's your future you can change... not the past.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 25-Jul-13 14:03:13

Try to avoid being deliberately (or accidentally) antagonistic while you make your exit plan, and don't reveal too much information in advance. Like I say, the most dangerous time is when the bully thinks they have lost. You have to play it very carefully, keep your cards close to your chest and stay safe.

Bloodysuperwoman Thu 25-Jul-13 14:07:32

I will. I have to sell this place first,start the job & start to make plans.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now