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DH is addicted to gambling. Going to Gamcare. Will it stop?

(50 Posts)
OiMissus Thu 25-Jul-13 10:15:23

Will he always be addicted to gambling? Will I always have to check and double check and control our finances?
I've caught him 4 times in a two year period. First time: I found out after the wedding that for the 6 mths leading up to the wedding that he was gambling his wage, online, every month. I didn't recognise the man I married. We didn't deal with the problem properly, so a few months later he was doing it again, when we should have been saving for the baby (I was now pg) and the new house, still online up to £1k a month. I took his card off him, gave him spends for a couple of months. It was hard work, and miserable.
Then he lost his job, just after we moved into our new big house with big mortgage, and he dealt with this by gambling again. This time in betting shops, probably threw away about £800 over an 8 week period.
Each time he has been remorseful, upset, ...but still not quite completely honest. Each time I said that I'd chuck him out, that I would not have him destroy everything.
A few months ago I caught him again, I noticed about £200 disappear from our account over a 4 day period.

As much as I wanted to, I didn't kick him out.
He's remorseful. He is so upset that our marriage is seriously on the rocks. (We are now going to Relate).
He's now getting counselling from Gamcare - he's had two sessions so far, and likes the counsellor.
We have a joint account. At the moment, he shows me his finances and expenditure every day (rather than me take his card off him and dole out cash when he needs it). I hate this.
The house is in my name, and it's mine. If I kicked him out, I think I could afford to stay here. We have a wonderful son of 19 months.
Leaving our crumbling marriage to one side, because I don't believe that gambling is our only issue, ahat I need from ye wise women of mumsnet, is to know if he will ever get over the gambling. What is your experience?
BTW: He says that apart from the odd bet before, the gambling addiction - and wreckless gambling started only after we started a serious relationship. He says that he gets no joy/excitement/thrill at all from gambling. Quite the opposite, he feels despicable, but felt compelled - couldn't fight the urge.

CarpeVinum Thu 25-Jul-13 10:25:05

My brother was treated for GA at 14.

Complete recovery.

Or so we thought ..until he plunged his family into bankrupsey some 20 years later.

Obviously it's very close to home with a very negative outcome for me, but connecting your life to a gambler is... a gamble. And I've lost all desire to play a game where people's happiness and wellbeing are the chips.

I think the house being yours and in your name is a very good thing. Not sure I'd be comfortable with a joint account. Or any form of joint finances at all.

I know I sound jaded and pessimstic. But when they lose (both the fight against the addiction and the bets) so does everybody else. And the bigger their problem the bigger the losses for all others concerned.

OiMissus Thu 25-Jul-13 10:33:15

I need to see the "jaded and pessimistic" to understand what I'm dealing with, or indeed what could hit me years from now. Thanks for your post.
(I've woken up to the need to split the finances again...)

CVSFootPowder Thu 25-Jul-13 10:46:48

I have a friend who stopped gambling 6 years ago. He and his DW came close to divorce over it.
His DW just started to ease off questioning him, checking finances etc at Christmas 2012.
Two months ago she discovered that he's now got an expensive Ebay habit. He denies that buying at auction on Ebay is gambling.

I do think this is something you will live with forever and very likely revisit many times if you stay with him. There's temptation to gamble everywhere now, especially with online betting, poker etc.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 25-Jul-13 10:49:09

I don't think you can afford to take the risk that it won't work. You have to assume it's going to fail. So take immediate practical steps to protect you and yours as top priority, regardless of any treatment he gets. Separate your finances, make sure his debts are his and not yours and you have to do something about the house. It may be in your name but, the longer you stay married, the bigger the claim he has on it. If he goes bankrupt, his share of the property will go to paying off the debts. Please see a solicitor about this urgently.

CarpeVinum Thu 25-Jul-13 10:57:03

I think you may want to consider placing a higher premium on you and your child than his recovery. I have found it almost manipulative, the emphasis on disease and the need to support the person with the problem over and above the freedom from Unexpected Bombs they can make, that rock the foundations of the lives of the people surrounding the addicted person.

It is not easy to resist emotional appeals to one's better nature, with the persistant priority being pulled back to the person requiring help.

Well you need help too. You have a problem that needs fixing too. It just happens to be in the form of another human being that you have jack shit control over, cannot rely upon to be even vaugely honest, not even when at their most piteous, pleading and "so so sorry".

The thing is, while he may or may not be savable, (short, medium or long term... cos there may never be a time when you can staop being watchful and alert, which is an exhusting way to live) you and your kid are. Via distance and a seperation of assets and income at the very least. Emotional distance is also a help.

It's no fun watching from outisde the minefield. But being out of range of the shrapnel is a massive advanatage.

I'm not a knee jerk LTBer. If anything I lean towards making a priority of keeping the unit intact for the childrens' sake, even if this means some parental wants go by the wayside in the name of children's needs being met. But ....were I in your shoes, armed with having been through the wringer as just a sister thanks to gambling, I'd take my child and build a life outside the danger zone. Now.

It is a gamble (ironically one you are forced into by gambling). He could respond well to treatment and come through without relapse and be a great husband and father til the day he dies. Or it could be a slow road to recovery, and by the time he gets to a better and sustainable lack of falling back into the habit, you may have no love, respect or trust left to offer him as a wife or a co-parent. Or he might never recover at all and you only find out when the problem is mountain rather than molehill sized.

If it doesn't go well in a sustained fashion, the price you and your son (particularly as he grows and becomes more aware of the cause of the tensions, issues and crisies) may not be of the type that leaves an easily healed wound.

I am so sorry love. I know how painful this can be as just a sibling, let alone as a spouse with a child.

Twinklestein Thu 25-Jul-13 10:57:26

Whether anyone manages to kick an addiction is entirely down to them, and is unknowable.

It takes a lot of strength & commitment, and some people aren't able/willing to summon up the effort.

I know that AA/NA/GA addicts have to treat themselves as having an addiction for the rest of their lives - and will always need to make an effort not to fall off the wagon.

I wouldn't consider someone 'cured' until they'd been free of the behaviour completely for several years, and I'd still be aware they could fall back into the old pattern at any point.

OiMissus Thu 25-Jul-13 11:10:10

Ugh! Not what I wanted to hear. Time to wake up and smell the coffee, I guess...

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 25-Jul-13 11:15:13

Protect yourself and what's yours.

CarpeVinum Thu 25-Jul-13 11:30:31

Not what I wanted to hear

I'm so sorry love. It must feel awful to read what is being said and having hope of a "very soon" and definitive end in sight ... squashed.

Do you have a realtionship with his family ? If so, it might be worth questioning this idea that there was no habit before he got involved with you.

It might be true

On the other hand my brother rewrote history to SIL.

Perhaps he thought we had forgotten about his past habit?

If I were you I'd go see a solicetor before talking to him. Get your ducks in a row. Know how to protect yourself finatially and get that ball rolling in that direction before he has a chance to let things get out of control, blaming you for his slip back.

And you may want to prepare yourself for the possible eventuality of either paying debts created falsely in your name, or having to report him for falsifying loan applications.

Which may not be on the cards. It's not manadatory.

But it does happen. With depressing freqency.

OiMissus Thu 25-Jul-13 11:40:40

It's all so horrid, isn't it? I feel like i'm kicking him when he's down.
I'll make the appointment with the bank to separate the accounts. I believe that he won't have any claim on the house really (legally) until we've been married 4 years (is that true?) - In which case, we've got another 16 months.
The more we go through this, the more I think our marriage is over. It's not great now - lost love, trust, respect - but to have the fear of this hanging over us, it doesn't give me the optimism to push on and try to save it.
Shit.
Really, really shit.
Bloody stupid idiot men, making us believe in fairytales and then fucking everything up.
I'll be fine. Me n DS will be fine.
DH will be heartbroken. It will affect him really badly.
And the disappointment from everyone else - hardly bears thinking about. (I'll probably be seen as the evil witch, because we won't want everyone to know about the GA.) Ugh!

OiMissus Thu 25-Jul-13 11:46:59

(cross post carpe)
I don't think it'll go any further. I can't imagine him letting things get out of control. I'm sure seeing a solicitor is the wise thing to do, but I don't think it will be necessary. (naive, perhaps.)

ImperialBlether Thu 25-Jul-13 11:50:51

You say there are other problems, too. What are they?

I think it is so much harder nowadays since he can gamble online. In the past, once the betting shops and the pubs were shut, he couldn't gamble, but now he can do it in the middle of the night, lying in bed next to you as you sleep.

I couldn't live with it. Alcoholism would be preferable as you can at least look at them and know if they've had a drink. You could look at him all day and you'd never know that he'd gambled your car or your money or your belongings away.

Surely a happy life for you is a secure life? This kind of life is about as insecure as you can get.

ImperialBlether Thu 25-Jul-13 11:51:49

I'm sorry but you are absolutely fooling yourself if you think he won't let things get out of control. Those are probably the most famous last words of anyone living with a gambler.

CarpeVinum Thu 25-Jul-13 11:55:39

I feel like i'm kicking him when he's down

You're not love.

If a person you love puts/has lead wieghts in their pockets and jumps in the water it's instinctive to leap in after them and try to keep their head above water. But .... unless they empty their pockets of the lead, the most likely outcome is everybody who tries to rescue goes under with them.

And in so many cases it's like the lead is woven into the fabric of who they are, so they can't jettison it for the sake of everybody's survival.

If it were just you two, then I guess that both spouses going under is a choice some people will consider to be a valid one. But when you have kids in the water too.... there is nothing else to be done other than to let go of the person dragging everybody down with them, doggy paddle over to the child and get them back on terrafirma.

You didn't create this choice of having to pick your son's welfare (which requires you to prioritise your welfare, becuase you are the one parent he can depend upon to put him first above all else) over that of your husband.

You are unfortunatly the one who has been lumbered with having to do it as part of the clean up process and protecting against worse dunkings in the future. Becuase you are the single reliable adult in the partnership.

And it's not fair. It just, is what it is.

I know if you could take the lead put of his pockets and rush him to the surface you wpuld.

But you can't.

Only he can do that. And until he hits rock bottom, he may not feel all that motivated to geniunly face this head on rather than go through the motions until your guard goes back down.

It's so hard. And it's not fair you have been limbered with horrible choices. So please don't beat yourself up for the act of choosing. Becuase this is not of your doing.

CarpeVinum Thu 25-Jul-13 11:59:28

naive, perhaps

No perhaps about it love.

Pick being over cautious rather than optimistic every. single. time.

Becuase if you don't what you feel right now cpuld be child's p,ay compared to what you feel like a few months down the line.

You need specific to you professional and detailed advice. Which gets taken. Before he knows you need it.

This is your child's best shot of you being sheilded for worse knocks. And ypur child needs ypu as unbruised as possible. Becuase you have enpugh hard stuff to face as it is, and you are the one rational, cautious, risk adverse and realiable parent he has got.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 25-Jul-13 12:02:25

" believe that he won't have any claim on the house really (legally) until we've been married 4 years (is that true?)"

I don't think it is. He may not be able to claim 50% of your assets immediately if the property was owned prior to the marriage, but I'm pretty sure that when you said 'all my worldly goods' and put a ring on his finger, the assumption of joint ownership began. But I'm not a solicitor.

Have you run a credit check recently? That should show up if he's been taking on cards or other credit using your name or address.

Yes see a solicitor get all your facts straight, before talking to him.

Don't lie about why you are divorcing/separating. It is not your fault and it may protect other family members being taken in by him and risking their financial safety.

Of course he doesn't want people to now he has a gambling problem it would be the same if he an issue with drink or drugs. He only wants to be seem as a good person.

FWIW my DH gambles not all the time but when he does he has a separate wallet which is completely separate from the household finances. If he wins a large amount then that money is spent on the house or family he does not keep it to himself.

CarpeVinum Thu 25-Jul-13 12:20:42

He possibly could enter a Notice of Home Rights against the property with the Land Registry and make it impossible for you to sell it until such a time as the courts settled how assets could be divided.

This is why you need to see a solicetor, who upon knowing all the specific details of your marriage and your assets, can inform you of the best way to proceed before you share the potential of a split with your husband.

What happened to other people, it's all second hand, possibly inaccurate, out of date or not relevant to your case. You need accurate, first hand, relevant and personalised advice from a professional.

Going to see a solicetor is not an act of making a definitive decsion abput your marriage. It is an avt getting a "info check up", so you can find out if what you think you know is correct. So if and when you do make a decision you are doing it on the basis of being inofrmed rather than guessing.

tribpot Thu 25-Jul-13 12:26:19

Alcoholism would be preferable as you can at least look at them and know if they've had a drink

Er, not really. Alcoholics are incredibly skilled at hiding their drinking.

It doesn't really matter - addiction is addiction. He will never be cured. He might be able to enter stable recovery and stay there, but I warn you that will never happen whilst he hides his addiction from those around him. It will never happen whilst you make statements like 'we didn't deal with the problem properly' - you don't deal with it. He does.

Put bluntly, you don't know anything about addiction, OP. How could you? Whatever happens next in your marriage, you need to educate yourself with other people who've been where you are. This is not about 'bloody men making you believe in fairytales' (I don't even know what that means). It's about an addict and the incredibly destructive nature of addiction. Addiction thrives on secrecy, and shame. If you truly want to help, stop making empty threats to leave and start telling the truth.

I can't imagine him letting things get out of control

When you married him you couldn't imagine him gambling away his pay cheque. Or gambling when he was out of work and you had a big mortgage to pay. Addiction is not rational behaviour, it doesn't play by any rules.

^ I'm sure seeing a solicitor is the wise thing to do, but I don't think it will be necessary. (naive, perhaps.)^

Even though you don't know how to protect your house from his debts?

Your DH is trying to take steps to address his problem. He has a lot of work to do. You are not in this together, it simply isn't possible. I would start doing your work as the spouse of an addict. I normally recommend this book for the spouses of alcoholics. Much of it will be applicable, although I'm sure there are more relevant books for the spouses of gambling addicts. Good luck.

CarpeVinum Thu 25-Jul-13 12:28:39

Incidentally, a Notice of Home Rights is how I managed to get some money back for my mother after my brother gambled her house from under her. It was initially repossed. But I heard via other family members recently that the courts, based on the Notice that supoorted her claim, insisted the (repossessing) bank return a lump sum to her.

I aslo heard that that was when my brother popped back put of the woodwork and it would appear he has gone through said lump sum like a dose of salts.

Which is depressing. But from a safe distance from the people still splashing around in choppy waters with lead lined pockets, it is dealable with, in a "che sarà, sarà" manner. With extra added effort not to let myself brood over what I have fuck all power to control, improve or eliminate.

ImperialBlether Thu 25-Jul-13 12:34:16

I couldn't stand to live with an alcoholic either, tribpot, and understand what you mean about them being highly skilled in deceit, but I think there's more risk of losing everything you have with a gambler.

JuliaScurr Thu 25-Jul-13 12:40:09

www.gamanon.org.uk/

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/

from experience of addiction - you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, you can't control it
Gam-anon might help you detach and lead your own life
good luck smile

OiMissus Thu 25-Jul-13 12:40:36

OK. Thanks for helping me see things with a lot more perspective. You're absolutely right. I'm walking into this with my eyes closed.
I'll look into seeing a solicitor today.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 25-Jul-13 12:41:56

Assume the worst and hope for the best...

JuliaScurr Thu 25-Jul-13 12:43:34

call RoW first - they're free, solicitors aren't

JuliaScurr Thu 25-Jul-13 12:45:25

you can have a great quality of life whether or not your dp recovers from his disease of addiction.

tribpot Thu 25-Jul-13 12:47:00

Imperial - there's more risk of the addict dying with substance abuse. It's easier to be financially destroyed by a gambler though, I agree. Choose your poison confused.

OiMissus Thu 25-Jul-13 13:03:44

I've just looked at the gamanon site (thanks for the link). I read the "My story" section. It's all happy endings (so far), tales of love and support, but they are all tales of gambler and partner going to one or two meetings a week, forever.
I don't want that. Frankly, life's too damned short. I think I just need to get out. I don't want that responsibility.

I don't know anything about Gamcare but I think GA might be really helpful (I attend AA). The group context gives a sense of hope, you can learn from others' experience, watch outs, strategies for avoiding people, places and things that may kick it off. The best thing would be if he could get a sponsor to help him with the 12 Steps (they're essentially the same for all addictions).

I wonder also if there's a gambling equivalent of AlAnon which is for families of alcoholics? That might help with the one thing which I think you're going to find really difficult which is not controlling. All the time you're taking responsibility for keeping his addiction in check he's not admitting everything is unmanageable and he is powerless over it. He needs to realise and accept that and then he can start the process of recovery. He will never get better till he takes control.

BUT stepping back from his issues does not mean not taking control of yours. I agree with all the posts above about protecting you and your DCs, financially and emotionally.

Whoops, sorry, just read the rest of the thread!

Well, it's your decision. I'm an addict in recovery. It does happen. My DP has been to the grand total of one AlAnon meeting! I go to one or two AA meets a week.

We all get lectured about addiction not being about willpower or morality. We're not bad people (apparently). Something flipped in our brains, whether that's genetic or external they don't know yet, and we're in the grip of a disease that was classified as such by the WHO in the 1950s.

I therefore see the weekly checking in with AA a bit like if I had diabetes or was in remission from cancer. You don't stop taking your medicine just because you feel well.

But anyway, your choice, obviously. Just know that rooms are packed across the world each night with addicts of various sorts who ARE managing to live a healthy, positive, altruistic, 'normal' life.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 25-Jul-13 13:23:26

"I think I just need to get out. I don't want that responsibility."

Addicts may not be 'bad people' and recovery may happen but that'll ring pretty hollow if/when you end up homeless, penniless and being chased down by people he owes money to before he recovers.

OiMissus Thu 25-Jul-13 13:29:32

I know stinkingbishop. (I hope I don't sound heartless).
Dh is not a bad person, not at all. He's a good man, a good husband, a great dad...
Someone asked earlier what our other issues were, other than the gambling. In a nutshell, I have lost trust, respect and love for him. Whether that started with finding out about the gambling, I don't know.
If I was still in love with him, I'd stick with it and support him.
As it is, we're going to Relate to try and fix things, and I'm struggling to find those feelings. And now, with the realisation about addictions, I question whether I should put all this effort in (it's not a happy existence, particularly!).
I have made an appointment to see a solicitor. The first 30 mins is free. From that, I expect we'll have covered the main issue of the house/finances.

cogito I completely agree. Hence the need for her to sort out finances so that can't happen.

ChipsNKetchup Thu 25-Jul-13 14:11:58

You do what is right for you and ultimately you must protect yourself.

I can recommend 'The Heart of Addiction' by Lance Dodes as an excellent book for him to read if he is serious about tackling his addiction. It changed my entire perspective dramatically.

I hope you find peace.

CarpeVinum Thu 25-Jul-13 14:21:25

Hence the need for her to sort out finances so that can't happen.

There is a strong possibility that the ony way she can wholly insulate her assets and earnings from him is by disolving the legal contract that binds them.

Which has the additional benefit of offering her emotional insultation as well. In way that seperate accounts do not.

Just know that rooms are packed across the world each night with addicts of various sorts who ARE managing to live a healthy, positive, altruistic, 'normal' life.

And any of those people, even if they have sustained for a couple of decades, could relaspe. And unless they have lived all that time in a state of constant alertness their families may not know about it until it is too late to protect themselves (economically, emotionally) from the fall out.

Before deciding if they want to start to rebuild trust and a day to day sense of security and freedom from unforseeable mines...all over again.

I wish any addict well on the road to recovery. I just wish I hadn't allowed myself to be part of the collatoral damage that is pretty much unavoidable when people relaspse. And failure or relapse not exactly an unknown quantaty.

All over the world, day and night, servers are packed with gamblers who AREN'T managing to live a healthy, postive, altruistic "normal" life, while the people in their lives are under a very different impression of what the current status quo of the addiction is.

ImperialBlether Thu 25-Jul-13 14:27:59

OP, you say, "*If I was still in love with him, I'd stick with it and support him.*"

I think you can still love someone and recognise you are powerless over their addiction.

Love yourself, too, and your child. Think of the life you want to lead. It's not a life of constant worry, is it? It's not a life where bailiffs come knocking, is it? It's not a life where every time you've mislaid your purse your breath is knocked out of you, is it?

Let him go. If he doesn't see this as his rock bottom, then he would have dragged you down further and further. Tell him you love him but the life he's offering you is not for you and your child.

Keep yourselves safe.

OiMissus Thu 25-Jul-13 15:57:11

Thanks all. I have an appt with the solicitor tomorrow afternoon. I've just spent the last hour documenting our relationship and gambling timeline and all financial info, and putting together a simple "Aim" what I'd want if the marriage breaks up. (I'm still saying if, but in all likelihood I think it's the right thing to do.)
I have made an appointment for Saturday morning with the bank to separate the account.
Thank you all for sharing your opinions and experiences. I think I'm beginning to see sense.

CarpeVinum Thu 25-Jul-13 16:08:58

Good luck Oi. I know this is hard.

Please consider keeping this to yourself for the time being. I can't find data for gamcare, but for GA less than 8% who start the programme get to a year without recidivism.

With such a high rate of relapse, and the potential for a spanner in the works it might be worth the extra layer of protection of not giving him a "in his head" justification to add complications.

<big fat hug>

I think you are very brave. And about 5 squillion times smarter than I was.

KareninsGirl Thu 25-Jul-13 18:56:23

I hope you find some answers love. Am watching this thread with interest.
Think I may have to visit a solicitor myself following various posts on this thread.
Un-MN hugs x

IntoOblivion Fri 26-Jul-13 08:56:02

(name changed, just in case)
We spoke last night when he got home from his last gamcare session (which was a bit of a waste of time, he said- they didn't really get anywhere - just filled in forms mainly.) I didn't tell him about the solicitors or bank appts, but told him that I'd been looking more into addiction. i asked him if this was going to be our life, of meetings every week. And then one day, when I'm not watching, I'll return home to find a repossession notice or bankruptcy, and me and Boi would be homeless?
He believes it'll never happen. he believes he'll never do it again. He believes that now he's taking action, it'll be sorted. The gamcare thing is only for 12 weeks anyway... (I believe that he really believes that - but I think we are both very naive about what addiction really is - I said that I don't think that he really thinks he has an addiction - to be honest, I am still a bit in denial about this myself. he doesn't do it all the time, it's happened four times - although each time lasting months or days - , i think... everyone is different,...)
He thinks I'm being negative and looking for a reason to end the relationship. I said I have to protect me and DS. I said that I'd look into if it is possible to ringfence my assets so that he could never threaten them, to safeguard the house, to give the relationship a chance... (which then gives me the excuse to see a solicitor today, and make the bank appt).
It was tough last night. When I'm not with him, it's quite easy to think about ending the relationship, when he's there, it's much more upsetting! (Obviously!)
Anyway, this was just a little update to keep this thread going for Karen also. I'll try and post again after the solicitor's appt today to share what I learn.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 26-Jul-13 09:18:41

I think you're handling it very well so far. Of course it's upsetting because we're talking about emotional thing like family and your relationship, but I'm glad you're being realistic and taking what sound like the right practical damage-limiting steps.

tribpot Fri 26-Jul-13 09:29:02

he believes he'll never do it again

I don't think this is a statement any addict who was truly intent on recovery would say. I wouldn't make that promise to my DH, for example - I know that I will always want to drink and I sincerely want not to give in to that. But I also live in a world of anticipating my triggers - I was offered a glass of a red wine cocktail in a hotel earlier in the week and had to wave it away very quickly, the smell was enough to give me cravings. But I know that will happen, so I anticipate it and work through it. I can't anticipate every trigger.

He also doesn't demonstrate true remorse. You're not 'being negative', his problem has cost you every penny of savings and your entire inheritance for god's sake! Your benefactor did not intend you to have to flush that money away down the toilet. He doesn't get it, on some level he believes he's entitled to spend the money (and of course you haven't helped by threatening to leave but not following through on it, he's behaving like a naughty child).

That said, he is very, very early in his recovery and he may come to understand these things in time. But he may not. You have a very real and present danger in the meantime.

Addiction takes different forms, and it is quite possible to be an addict but not exercise your habit every day. One of the key differentiators is that once you start you can't stop. He has definitely demonstrated that.

Spend some time with Gamanon. You aren't going to make sense of this in one day.

CinnabarRed Fri 26-Jul-13 09:52:58

My very lovely stepfather is an alcoholic who has been dry for more than 20 years.

Every morning, he promises my mother that he won't drink today.

He knows, as an addict, that he is unable to promise any more than that.

He also attends AA meetings at least twice per week.

I admire him very much. He understands his addiction and has learnt how to , respects its power, and has learnt how to manage it.

KareninsGirl Fri 26-Jul-13 10:11:14

Thank you for the update and for keeping this thread going.

My H gambles. I found out through bank statements. The lies/deception are the bit I can't handle as I now feel I can't trust him. He has, in the past, looked me in the eye and sworn blind he hasn't been gambling until I've confronted him with indisputable evidence. That's what hurts the most and that is what makes me doubt everything.

I'm not sure the level of trust I once had in him will ever return.

He has promised to seek counselling as this is not something he can deal with alone and I am not qualified to steer him through the process. I am not nagging him but am waiting to see if this happens or not. It has to come from him.

I think you are very strong and very brave x

IntoOblivion Fri 26-Jul-13 12:33:17

his problem has cost you every penny of savings and your entire inheritance for god's sake! Your benefactor did not intend you to have to flush that money away down the toilet. - tribpot
This is not my story, I think you're confusing me with Carpe's brother, perhaps. My DH has not yet affected my savings really, apart from he hasn't contributed as much as he could, and therefore I've had to save more.
karen I hope your DH seeks help. Good luck. i had to push DH into action. I found it very depressing that he could not motivate himself - despite his assurances that he was doing everything possible...

tribpot Fri 26-Jul-13 13:54:57

Sorry OP - you're right, I was thinking of another thread where the OP's DH has managed to run up massive debts (repeatedly) and she's bailed him out.

The comment still stands, though - he isn't accepting he has a problem.

IntoOblivion Fri 26-Jul-13 14:38:49

Just back from solicitors:
Because the house is solely in my name, he / his debt can't touch it.
That is, if he runs up debts in his name, he has no claim on assets in my name AS LONG AS the debts are not "matrimonial". Eg. If he paid for a family holiday on a card in his name, that could be conceived as "matrimonial". But debts allocated to betfred or whatever would not touch me.
Now, if we were to divorce/separate, the story is different. He would have a claim on my house. It starts at 50/50, and then you start to negotiate/ put your story forward to prove your right to a bigger slice.

So, in summary, as long as I hold the assets in my name, he can't touch them through gambling debts. Which means that we can continue with Relate to see if we can give the marriage a chance. (And we can find out more about addictions and how to handle them with a bit more room/time to breathe.)
I feel much happier with this legal advice. Thank you for steering me in this direction.
I will still separate the accounts, and ensure that everything goes in my name only in the future.

KareninsGirl Fri 26-Jul-13 16:55:46

oblivion, I am pleased you got some legal advice and it makes interesting reading for me too as I'm in a similar position re my house.

I was going to speak to a solicitor about my will over the next few weeks, and I will keep you updated on that one.

I don't want my DC's inheritance being compromised.

Good luck with Relate x

picnicfantasic Fri 26-Jul-13 22:49:24

Hi OP. In answer to your question, imho, no it won't stop.

Have just started a new thread outlining my own experience, feel free to join in for support.

Wishing you well.

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