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Can we ever go back?

(33 Posts)
caitsmummy Wed 24-Jul-13 22:36:57

A week ago my husband of nearly 4 yearsa told me he didn't love me anymore and he wanted us to separate. It all come about because for years I was always pushing him away whenever he came to kiss or cuddle me, i was scared it would initiate sex snd I was just always too tired to do that...i wern't intimate with himatt all, and that eventually wore him dowm. Ive recently been diagnosed with depression over a bad past and he said I should get counselling to sort that out and he also needs to sort his head out. He said he can never forget what has happened and cant see a way back for us. We have 2 kids under 3 and we still get on,he is staying with his sister at the mo and comes home for tea and to put the kids to bed then goes again,we are both amicable and friendly but thats it....he said he doesn't have those feelings for me anymore. Im still holding on hoping that once I start this counselling and he sorts his head out whether we could move obn from this and start again....would it work? or as too much water gone under the bridge? please help...xx

Notafixer Wed 24-Jul-13 22:51:38

It's unlikely. What you have to remember is that to tell you this decision he will already have come a long way and made up his mind. For you it's still new and raw and that's preventing you seeing how final it is.

Someone will be a long soon for hand holding.

MadeMan Wed 24-Jul-13 23:23:51

Not being able to kiss and cuddle your partner in a relationship is a very big deal because it's a natural bonding thing. Being too tired for sex is fair enough, most people are going to allow for that, but not being able to get close to you is why he's now saying he's lost those feelings; especially if you just shrugged him off all the time and didn't explain to him that you were too tired.

Noregrets78 Wed 24-Jul-13 23:28:44

It's really important to get a clear steer from him on whether it is definitely over... So hard to hear, and yet so important so you can start on the road to recovery. I agree with the comment above - he will have thought long and hard before taking this step. It's sad but true there's always one further along the process than the other.

ofmiceandmen Wed 24-Jul-13 23:41:33

caits I dont speak for all men, but my ex went through depression and yes its the hardest thing I ever been through, it's soul destroying - but I hope what I am about to say allows you to see an alternative.

Your H has fallen out of love with the person who you have become. this version of you, the person that rejects him, that can't talk to him, this passive aggressive image of you. But he hasn't stopped loving who you were. (ok flame me)
Start again- get the help you need, just start like it was day one, laugh, talk, explain the years of rejection, don't beg you don't have to. just be you again.

It is likely that he will fall in love with the person who you will be. and if not someone is going to pretty soon.

So do it for you primarily and then it will all come good.

Build 'you' and they will come!

ofmiceandmen Wed 24-Jul-13 23:53:09

One more thing...
Although I took the option to take all the responsibility of the kids, cleaning, cooking all whilst working to save my marriage - which back fired as I she eventually left - something about not being a real man anymore hmm
I think you need to actually have the following discussion-

"Husband i have been tired and exhausted, we have 2 kids under 3 and i have ben struggling to do that and be the sexy spontaneous love goddess you once knew"
(assuming he hasn't been doing that - putting the kids to bed is nothing, thats like the best part).

He needs to hear this now if there is ever going to be a future as friends or lovers or whatever.

He's playing the victim a bit, and maybe he's not all wonderful after all

rant over smile

Lweji Portugal Thu 25-Jul-13 08:06:29

Why did you think a cuddle meant sex?
If you did cuddle and said you didn't want sex, what was his response?

When he's going for tea, who cooks it?

How much did he do at home?
Do you have a cleaner?

JessicaBeatriceFletcher Thu 25-Jul-13 08:32:42

The second thread in two days like this, where a woman has spent a couple of years pushing a loving husband away by not even giving him kisses and cuddles. How heartbreakingly sad.

OP, go and get counselling, your husband is quite right, you need it. But focus solely on YOU and your problems/issues. You can't go into it hoping that after a long dose of therapy everything will go back to the way it was. It is unlikely, I'm afraid.

JessicaBeatriceFletcher Thu 25-Jul-13 08:34:07

Lweji - I seem to recall on the other thread that the guy concerned was very hands-on when it came to cleaning, looking after the kids etc. It made no difference.

Lweji Portugal Thu 25-Jul-13 08:44:58

Is this the same Jessica?

Just trying to ascertain what is going on before actually giving an opinion.

Lweji Portugal Thu 25-Jul-13 08:47:42

He said he can never forget what has happened and cant see a way back for us.

What has happened?
You pushing him away? Or something else?

JessicaBeatriceFletcher Thu 25-Jul-13 08:54:37

Sorry, Lweji, didn't mean to be rude. It's my personal bugbear that on almost every thread of this type the advice comes back that the man needs to do more around the house, take the kids so that mum can have solo time etc. That if the man does more around the house, the women will return to being more touchy-feely and intimate with them.

Yet most men on the boards who have been in this situation have done precisely that for years and it has made no difference. For whatever reason, the woman has shut off from intimacy with them.

Interestingly, these type of threads used to be solely about sex. Now there are definitely more threads where it's not the lack of sex that men are complaining about, but that their wives won't even let them cuddle, hug or kiss them.

That's an incredibly heartbreaking thing. To be constantly rejected on that most basic level. In most cases, it also appears to be within the first four or five years post-childbirth.

I think what I am getting at is that while in SOME cases, the bloke may well be a lazy bugger. But it doesn't need to be the default response and undoubtedly there is something wrong somewhere else and it's not to do with housework.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 25-Jul-13 08:56:58

I'm afraid you should be prepared to find out that he's been getting his sexual needs met elsewhere

twoofakind Thu 25-Jul-13 09:30:52

Hi thank you for all your comments.

Me husband is a hard working man and I am a SAHM, I never expected him to do any housework, and if on the odd occasion I did ask him to do something, he would.

I don't think he has been getting his needs elsewhere, he would never do that to me or the kids.

I always struggled to show any affection in front of our kids as I felt it was wrong, ive since realised this is the wrong thing to do as they need to see what a relationship is like.

ofmiceandmen.....thank you so much for your words, and I never thought about it in that way (he now playing the victim) In the past few weeks I have been feeling alot more better and myself again, but he thinks im only putting it on to keep him, and im not, I just cant get him to see that and its so frustrating!

Im not realy sure whats going to happen tu once I / we get better, he says he needs to 'fix' his head and take it from there, but in the meantime he wants me to accept that the answer to us ever going back/moving on is no, I dont want to get your hope up he says....

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 25-Jul-13 09:33:48

"he would never do that to me or the kids."

Everyone says that, sadly. Just be prepared.

DreamingofSummer Thu 25-Jul-13 09:39:09

Cogito

You are being mean and unhelpful

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 25-Jul-13 09:44:54

How is that mean or unhelpful? Few men, even when the sex has gone west, walk out on a comfortable family life and small children if they don't think there's something better on offer. The accompanying 'script' includes phrases like 'I don't know how I feel about you any more', 'I don't know what I want', 'I need to get my head together'

twoofakind Thu 25-Jul-13 09:46:47

I dont think he would have the time to do that anyway! But hey, thanks for your comment, you never know,in a few days time i could be coming back on here eating my own words! xx

DreamingofSummer Thu 25-Jul-13 09:52:50

Cogito

The OP comes on here asking for advice. She bares her soul and sets out how unhappy she is. To repeat - she asks for advice.

Your response to this brave request for help? Let's think of the worst possible scenario and tell it to the OP in the bluntest way you can.

That's being mean and unhelpful

twoofakind Thu 25-Jul-13 09:55:49

To be honest if he has been going elsewhere, it would make things alot easier for me!xx

twoofakind Thu 25-Jul-13 09:58:15

I was just asking whether if we ever did try again together would we forever be thinking back over this separation, has this separation ruined anything that could happen in the future? xx

Lweji Portugal Thu 25-Jul-13 11:07:31

I don't think the separation by itself will damage the relationship.

However, it won't work out if you go back because you miss each other and whatever issues are still there.

There are several possibilities (housework was only one of them, interesting that it was the one it was picked up).

Cogito's suggestion did cross my mind too. It didn't seem very far fetched, particularly if he spends lots of time away from the home. It could be someone at work.

My question about housework was because the OP (caits/twoof) said she was very tired with two children. Do you think having a cleaner (if you don't already) might help?

Then there's still the unanswered question about not wanting cuddles because you are scared it will initiate sex. Cuddles and kissing don't have to initiate sex, but some men will only offer those when they do want sex, and will be very pushy or be annoyed if it doesn't lead to sex.
But then it was because you struggled to show affection in front of the children. It also depends on what type of affection he's after.

Finally, had he talked to you about this before saying he's leaving? What happened then?
If it really is only on you and only now you are showing more affection, then I'd agree with him that it's too little too late and I'd be worried that you'd revert to your previous behaviour.
If this is the first time and he's so "confused" and playing the victim, then I'd start considering an affair.

twoofakind Thu 25-Jul-13 11:18:25

I dont want to go back I want to start again, ive told him this.....no dont have a cleaner, recently ive been keeping ontop of the cleaning so thats not an issue anymore.

He works for a small company, no women there and he the boss, so no one at work.

I knew he didn't like me pushing him away and I explained why I did it and he accepted it. He has said he doesnt want to go back to the way it was and neither do I. I just want him to see that i am NEVER going to make the same mistakes.... I feel alot better now and my love and feelings for him have grown in the past months...x

Lweji Portugal Thu 25-Jul-13 11:21:35

I do think you have to ask yourself why those feelings have grown now.

Is it because he has left, or do you think you are getting over the depression?

Would he go to counselling with you?

twoofakind Thu 25-Jul-13 11:39:22

I feel i am getting over the depression, slowly...He said hes going to support me through the couselling but he not going for any himself....hes also not interested in marriage counselling, which makes me feel he doesnt want to fight for it.

Lweji Portugal Thu 25-Jul-13 11:54:57

You're right, it doesn't seem like he cares.

sad

Rummikub Thu 25-Jul-13 12:08:28

I think you need to start building a new life for you. He is still having access to you and family life. He isn't seeing what he's letting go as he still has it.

It is very hard to not save your family and relationship. Somewhere along the way you have lost your connection to each other. Maybe distance can bring that back, but don't wait for it or beg for it. That's soul destroying (been there, don't recommend it).

Well IMHO - Cogito ALWAYS give sound and supportive advice.
I'm sorry, but I'm with her on this one.
I hope we are both wrong. But the wording and language he is using is typical 'script' for this kind of thing.

Do go to counselling and get the help you need to be yourself again.
It may be that things can be resolved and you can start again.
Fingers crossed for you and I hope it all works out for the best.

melmo26 Thu 25-Jul-13 14:50:03

Reading your post you keep saying things like 'since then iv got better at showing my feelings' and 'im keeping on top of the housework so not an issue'
Isn't it odd that now he has gone you are getting back to yourself. Does that not tell you something?

If my husband told me he no longer loved me that would be it, and there would be no 'keeping a foot in the door'. I certainly would not be making his dinner.
See the kids yeah but nothing else.

Maybe you should concentrate on you and DC for a while. See where things go once you have sorted your own feelings out. Good luck

Jan45 Thu 25-Jul-13 15:01:03

Oh I am sorry to hear this, you sound so sad, I hope you find the counselling helps. Hate to say it but are you sure his leaving is purely based on you and him and there isn't someone else in the background, I'd keep that in mind esp with his attitude of not even wanting to give it one last shot.

Would he consider you two `dating` again?

twoofakind Thu 25-Jul-13 15:32:53

Thank you all for your comments...they really are helping me get through this! Jan45....ive advised dating again but he not interested yet.

Hellsbellsmelons....a few weeks ago I was worried that he had feelings for another woman and so I confronted him about it,i told him I know you wouldn't do anything just wanted to know if he had a crush on her, he said he didn't but needed time to think as if i thought that then maybe he did deep down, he said he needed a couple days to think....I got upset and later that night he said he didn't have feelings for her, he loves me and wants to try and move on.
I found it hard to believe as he went from saying he needed a couple of days to 2 hours later he had made his mind up.

That week I kept asking him are you sure your happy, and he kept saying yes but if you keep asking me then id be unsure you are. I told him I was but found it strange how suddenly he changed his mind.

We carried on for a few days but still I couldn't get what happened out of my head, he seemed too attached to his phone and was funny when i walked into the room. One night I posted something on Face-book about how much I hated home wreckers and if anyone ever came in between me and my husband they would rue the day they where born. He hated that I had put that and said your just saying we are having problems in our marriage and you've not moving on from whats happened, that night he separated with me, said he didn't love me anymore and cant see how we can move on.

That was a week ago. Since then he is staying at his sisters and coming here to have tea with us and help put the kids to bed then goes away again, we are amicable with each other. He said he thinks I should go and see a councillor and sort my head out and he needs time to sort his head out, he doesn't want to see a councillor,wants to try and do it on his own he said.

He said he doesn't want me to hold on hope that's hes going to come back,but he needs time to clear his head.

Jan45 Thu 25-Jul-13 15:36:39

Well from what you have just written it looks like there was and possibly still is a woman on the scene, and yes, what you put on FB was basically telling the world you had problems!

Rummikub Thu 25-Jul-13 15:52:50

You need to get some control back. Back off, leave him to mull things over. In mean time, start to look after yourself. You're already feeling better and more like yourself. Do it for you, not him. You don't need to make any decisions yet other than to look after you.

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