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Feeling downtrodden and detached from my partner

(68 Posts)
DfanjoUnchained Wed 24-Jul-13 09:06:11

Ive been with my dp for 4 years. My dp doesn't have much joy. He doesn't notice a beautiful flower, sunset, view and smile. When he walks he's got tunnel vision and is in his own world, thinking about what he needs to do.

He is very selfish. Never offers to make dinner. When I walk in the door with huge car seat and ds, 2 big bags he won't get up and help because he's working (sitting at a desk in living room). He is very self absorbed and admits this but nothing changes.

If we have an argument, he will always name call. He called me mug and prick over minor things which really upset me.

When I arrange weekend days out, he's grumpy, never smiles. We went to a festival last weekend with live music and amazing food and children playing. I was making conversation but he'll either 'mm' back or silence.
He'll then moan he wants to go, it's too hot etc etc. my good mood is then gone and I feel depressed.

He's not like this with anyone else, he's so animated with his friends and strangers or about football. When his friends make plans, he'll run there. When I do he'll stall as much as possible or make us late as he obviously doesn't want to go. So I feel like he really doesn't like me much. I have a 7 month old and really don't want him to call me names or copy his dad.

He was abused as a child by his mother so I feel like I should look after him. I feel sorry for the child he was and want to wrap him up. But he really grinds me down, I feel down trodden a lot.

He also has a quick temper. While in labour I asked him to slow down over bumps (obv in a shouty-ish way as I was having awful contractions) he slammed the breaks on and yelled at me and made me cry.

He's good with ds and will play with him, change him, bathe etc but I have to tell him to do everything which is v annoying.

He proposed to me recently and I don't know if I ever want to marry this man, my gut says no, my heart, yes. I do love him deeply but I don't feel like I'm in love with him anymore. I feel very distant, especially after the recent 'mug' thing and festival.

We are going to counselling and having CBT. She sets commitments to do each week and so far they haven't been done.

I don't really know why I posted but wanted to get it out.

DfanjoUnchained Wed 24-Jul-13 09:09:53

Also, as a 'test' I've not initiated any affection this week to see if he will kiss me etc as I'm always the one to stroke, kiss him, hug.

I've had a hand on my leg in a week sad

CoffeeandScones Wed 24-Jul-13 09:38:31

Sorry to hear this Dfanjo (nice name). I'm sure someone wiser than me will be here soon, but I'd say don't marry him unless your heart AND your head say yes. Feels like there's a lot that would need to change for that to happen. Is it realistic to believe it actually will change?

CrazyOldCatLady Wed 24-Jul-13 09:46:27

Don't marry him. He's not going to change, and you'll never be properly happy. Get out of there and give yourself a chance at real happiness with someone else.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 24-Jul-13 09:50:19

No, don't marry this man. You're not his mother or his carer and you are not responsible for his miserable personality. You're meant to be his partner.... his equal and the person he values & respects most in the world. From the description you provide he seems to be already taking it for granted that, no matter how badly he treats you or how much he ignores you, you will always be there, taking it on the chin. He's bad-tempered, angry, operates double standards, is discouraging you from having friends, verbally abusive, selfish, petty and critical .... I could go on.

He is not interested in counselling or CBT because, as far as he is concerned, you're the one with the problem and he doesn't need to improve. I have no idea how you 'love very deeply' someone as emotionally abusive, disrespectful and soul-destroying as you describe.... he doesn't even seem to like you.

I think the longer you stay in this relationship, the worse it'll get and the lower your self-esteem will drop. If he's this contemptuous of you now, he'll be 10 x worse if you had a ring on your finger. I honestly think you need to get out of this damaging set-up for your own good.

Finola1step Wed 24-Jul-13 09:55:24

Hi Dfanjo. It sounds like you are in a terribly sad situation. The one thing that jumped out at me is the fact that he was abused by his mother and you feel like you should look after him - but you can't make it all better. It is really good that both of you are seeing a counsellor, but it does sound like you are doing all the work.

It is not your fault what happened with his mother. You can not fix it, take all the pain away etc. By trying, maybe he is seeing you in the mothering role and treats you with such contempt because that's what he feels towards his own mother.

What do you get out of this relationship? Would a trial separation while you both see a counsellor separately help you to decide what you really both want from this relationship?

DfanjoUnchained Wed 24-Jul-13 10:48:23

I don't think I love him deeply in a romantic way cog more in a brotherly, caring way iykwim.

My self esteem is very low anyway as I was verbally and emotionally abused by my stepfather all my childhood.

It really is a case of when we get along, it's great but otherwise it's not. And god help me if I'm having pmt or feeling run down/stressed, he seems to always 'kick me when I'm down' he can't stand me like that and gets assertive with me.

I really don't know what the future holds. We're renting atm. Meant to be buying soon but house will be in my name - I'm very sure I want that incase I want him out - that's not right is it?

DfanjoUnchained Wed 24-Jul-13 10:50:49

Finola I really think he needs individual counselling and he was meant to bit when he had an assessment they suggested couples so I went along with it.

I definitely think he has very low tolerance for women (read: me) asking him to do things or standing up to him because of his mother.

We haven't had a shouty fight in ages, since starting counselling which is good but I think it's because I'm just feeling distant

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 24-Jul-13 10:58:16

Just because your stepfather treated you badly, it doesn't mean you don't deserve to be treated with respect by everyone else. You don't even love him in a brotherly caring way, I'm afraid. Your relationship sounds more like a prisoner trying to keep a bad-tempered jailer sweet.

No matter how good the great times are (and I'm guessing they are getting fewer and further apart) the idea that he kicks you when you're down - even knowing you don't mean that literally - makes him a disgusting creature that you should make every effort to get out of your life. BTW that kind of behaviour is not 'assertive', it's 'bullying' or 'abusive' and it's unacceptable.

Please don't buy a house with this man, even if it's in your name. Buy yourself and your DCs a house where you can live together safely, away from the abuse and restore your self-esteem

cestlavielife Wed 24-Jul-13 11:03:43

dont marry him

see an individual counsellor yourself.

he can be a good father to child but separately from you.

"I feel like I should look after him. I feel sorry for the child he was and want to wrap him up" this is the issue really - because he isnt your child. he is suppsosed to be adult partner. you can delve in therapy into why you want to care for this man etc....

but ultimately, best thing to do is move on separate and stop being his mother. who knows he might grow up and be better, as he can be with other people...

OctopusPete8 Wed 24-Jul-13 11:06:57

God no, he sounds like a vampire.

The way he treat you was awful in labour, I would have given him his marching orders then.

DfanjoUnchained Wed 24-Jul-13 11:16:13

He just always seems to be fucking frowning.

But then why isn't he like that around other people, mostly his friends?

My father is going to buy a house and we will live there as we cannot save for a mortgage so if we were to split I doubt he would be entitled to anything?

I'm only 28 and feel like I'm wasting my younger years always trying to make him happy. I feel so tired and run down as I do everything with ds, all naps and night feeds etc

We have couselling this week and I think I'm definitely bringing this all up. Up until now I've kind of sat back. I'm worried once I open up I won't be able to stop

DfanjoUnchained Wed 24-Jul-13 11:21:36

Also, I really want to have more children soon but I know I will need support with 2 dcs and don't see it coming from him. My family said he really needs to be more hands on but you can't make someone, can you.

Sometimes ill be really struggling and hell be watching me but won't come over and take ds (if he's having a little tantrum) confused he will just basically sit back and let me deal with everything. But if its something that interests him then he's all involved.

yorkshirewoman Wed 24-Jul-13 11:30:14

Don't marry him - it sounds to me as though things will get worse - he sounds like the typical 'street angel - house devil' - he is landing all the shit on you.
It's hard to break up and I should know I have been with a man like this for 20 years, everyone outside the house thinks he's wonderful - what I want to know is why men can be a 'knight in shining armour' to his friends and his family and behave like a shit inside the home to people they are supposed to be close to and love.
Anyway, I am off on my own on holiday for the first time ever on Friday and to be honest at the age of 65 feeing v much in two minds about it.
But again - please don't marry him because he will not change and you are wasting your emotional energy on him

fuzzywuzzy Wed 24-Jul-13 11:30:16

He's not going to change.

He behaves this way with you but not his friends, to me that says he chooses to take out his ishoos on you because he knows you'll take it and not on his friends.

Don't marry him, never marry someone when you have alarm bells ringing in your head shouting no!

Move into your dads house alone, make it a fresh start for you and your son. What difference will it make not having him around, apart from getting rid of the black cloud and verbal abuse?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 24-Jul-13 11:30:55

"But then why isn't he like that around other people, mostly his friends?"

Because (and advance apologies for putting it this way) he knows if he pulled any of that abusive crap with other people they'd tell him to straighten his face or fuck off... and not 'oh darling diddums, did you have a rough childhood, let me lie down here so you can walk all over me...'

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 24-Jul-13 11:33:23

" if we were to split I doubt he would be entitled to anything?"

Of course you would. Not housing benefit if you've got a house but you'd potentially qualify for Tax Credits, income support, Child Benefit, Council Tax benefit and he'd have to pay maintenance for the children. There's a really good benefits checker at www.turn2us.org.uk. Run your details through it and I bet you'd be surprised at how much help you'd get.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 24-Jul-13 11:34:22

Sorry misread that ... 'he' would also be entitled to various help if he qualifies.

DfanjoUnchained Wed 24-Jul-13 11:39:44

But I do stand up to him cog I'm very assertive and don't mince my words. Hence why I think we clash because I'm not sort of woman who takes shit. It's just tiring now so I've withdrawn so there's no confrontation. He would never back down if we argued, I would have to walk away.

I wish I could move into my dads house with my ds but I needed dp's salary to pay mortgage. I guess I could claim housing benefit if I was a single parent as we would be basically renting it?

He went away for a week recently and I thought I wouldn't be able to cope with ds alone. But we had a great time and I felt much more relaxed and less anxious and I didnt miss him that much sad

yorkshire totally agree with the 'house devil' reminds me of Maya Angelou's quote :

“If you have only one smile in you, give it to the people you love. Don't be surly at home, then go out in the street and start grinning 'Good morning' at total strangers.”

People think he's so lovely, he's well spoken, very polite and has excellency manners. My df said he couldn't have hoped for a better SIL when he proposed sad

YoniBottsBumgina Wed 24-Jul-13 11:46:04

He will drag you down with him if you're not careful!

Honestly, if I have learnt one thing about having children it is that timing, spacing, age, gender, money, place to live etc - nothing in this world is more important than doing it with the right person. (Whether that means a heterosexual partner/spouse, homosexual partner, doing it alone from a sperm bank/adopting, choosing to go into it with a co-parent who you're not in a relationship with, it doesn't matter, but do it with the right person.)

You've already realised that he isn't the right person for you to have more children with - don't do it.

YoniBottsBumgina Wed 24-Jul-13 11:47:53

Assertiveness doesn't make you immune to emotional abuse.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 24-Jul-13 11:50:25

"I guess I could claim housing benefit if I was a single parent as we would be basically renting it?"

If your father is the registered owner and pays a Buy To Let mortgage on the house then you would be his tenant, yes. But check out the Housing Benefit rules in your area before going down that path because they vary from authority to authority.

I'm sure you are assertive and I was exaggerating earlier to make a point. However, feeling tired, withdrawn and that all you can do is walk away suggest that you have been ground down by a sustained campaign of abuse ... which you are tolerating on the grounds of good intentions relating to his upbringing.

If you like quotes, try this one. "The road to hell is paved with good intentions"

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 24-Jul-13 11:51:28

"I'm only 28 and feel like I'm wasting my younger years always trying to make him happy."

Average life expectancy for a British woman these days is over 80. Can you imagine another 50+ years of this?

yorkshirewoman Wed 24-Jul-13 11:55:38

Agree with Yoni -assertiveness does not make you immune to emotional abuse - I am a strong woman but endless abuse in the end gets to you

BadSkiingMum Wed 24-Jul-13 11:56:06

He yelled at you in labour?

Imagine if he had an abdominal condition, was in severe pain and you were taking him to hospital. How would you treat him?

BadSkiingMum Wed 24-Jul-13 11:56:36

I think an honest conversation with your dad might be the way to go.

DfanjoUnchained Wed 24-Jul-13 12:00:45

I did Bad with my stepmum and dad. Then he proposed a week later. My head is a mess. Going to go out with my ds and dsis. He works from home so we're in eachothers pockets all day so I make sure to go out a lot

DfanjoUnchained Wed 24-Jul-13 12:02:10

Cog yes it will be a buy-to-let mortgage. Will read up.

I think I want to raise all of this tomorrow at counselling but I'm worried it'll all come out garbled. Ill try and compose a list or something.

Thank you for replies, they really help. Feel so run down atm

DfanjoUnchained Wed 24-Jul-13 12:04:08

I do think some of it is my fault. I ask him to stuff so that seems like nagging I guess. But if he took initiative I wouldn't have to always ask.

I do majority of housework and childcare though which is fine by me because he works full time. But on the weekend I would like a break but it doesn't happen

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 24-Jul-13 12:08:47

It's not your fault. In a loving, equal relationship, partners ask each other to do things all the time and don't fall out. Whereas abusive, controlling men take any tiny thing and deliberately blow it up out of proportion to start an argument so that they make you feel bad.

'I wouldn't treat you so badly if you didn't ask me to do stuff' is the standard excuse of the bully and it's a load of rubbish.

Dahlen Wed 24-Jul-13 12:11:26

Dfanjo - please don't marry this man.

Think about how you felt in the car on the way to hospital in labour, and imagine the rest of you life peppered almost constantly with incidents like this.Where you need support, help, or even just some happy companionship, you will be met with blame, irresponsibility and grumpiness. If you marry him you're giving him carte blanche to carry on behaving like this, and I suspect very strongly that it will develop into a much sinister form of abuse.

You ask what more you can do because you're already assertive. The answer is leave. You can be as assertive as you like, but unless this man receives some consequences for his behaviour why on earth would he change things? Right now he just has to tune you out when you "go off on one" and ignore it, knowing that in a little while normal service will be resumed. sad

You deserve an awful lot more than this. Even as a single mother of two you would find life inordinately easier than living with a man who is essentially hamstringing any attempt at happiness and security.

joblot Wed 24-Jul-13 12:17:32

Another in the don't marry camp. Also what comes across from your posts is that he doesn't like you. No wonder you feel so low

MadBusLady Wed 24-Jul-13 12:49:02

It sounds very like he kicks you when you're down on purpose. That labour thing is just not normal. Does the counsellor know about that?

Jan45 Wed 24-Jul-13 13:09:15

What amazes me is he asked you to marry him, I don't get it, he acts like he doesn't even like you very much, I'd be concerned, he either has a warped idea of what marriage is or he is intending to have the control of you even more by marriage, please don't do it, you've only been with him 4 years and in that time he's called you a prick, a mug, never helps with the house or children, I am actually struggling to work out what you are getting from this relationship - it sounds so depressing.

Anniegetyourgun Wed 24-Jul-13 13:31:17

If you take a step back and think about it, I suspect you'll realise the "good times" are actually more like an absence of bad times. When your P is behaving like a normal human being it seems special because it's so rare.

He has so many red flags flying it's scary! Really!
I don't say this often but..
GET OUT - GET OUT - GET OUT!!

Viking1 Wed 24-Jul-13 13:59:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cestlavielife Wed 24-Jul-13 14:05:46

my exp wanted to marry me...he was always moaning, didnt seem to like me very much etc...it makes sense from a distance, he wanted to create further ties, make a statement to the world. he doesnt love you he just wants you as a thing/status/somone to bully etc. hero worship putting you on a pedestal one minute moaning the next... they all flags

dontyouwantmebaby Wed 24-Jul-13 15:16:17

oh OP I really feel for you. Living with a selfish, joyless man such as this sucks the life out of you, even if you are normally quite an assertive person.

you're already doing CBT and counselling with him?

the thing that strikes me about your post that is very telling (amongst many others of course) is that he doesn't bother to get up when you are struggling in the door with car seat, shopping etc.

there's only so many times you can put this down to selfishness, self-absorbed, in his own world, bad temper, abusive childhood.

It sounds like he is taking you for granted and you sound so miserable. I have lived with someone who sucked the joy out of everything, in the end going to anything like a festival, concert, walk by the river became a chore. The pleasure all gone - its no way to live. And yet he can be all smiles and charms for other friends?

I hope you can go to your dads for some space to think about what is best for you, more years of living like this and IME it only gets harder to pluck up the courage to get out (and yes, I loved my misery guts!).

NicknameTaken Wed 24-Jul-13 16:13:28

He wants to marry you but doesn't seem to like you? But he likes having a whipping boy when he feels bad, doesn't he? You can serve all sorts of purposes for him that aren't really about shared loving.

You wanting to rescue him because of his bad childhood rang all sorts of bells with me. This need to rescue can set you up for really problematic relationship dynamics. You might want to try reading Robin Norwood's "Women who love too much" (as well as the usual recommendation on her for Lundy Bancroft, Why does he do that?)

Why would you marry him? Honestly, why volunteer for more years of misery?

To shout at you and make you cry when you're in labour is just awful.

Shellywelly1973 Wed 24-Jul-13 16:42:13

You've been together 4 years...
Just 4 years. I wish when i had been with my 'dp' only 4 years i had left.
14 years later, Im exhausted & trapped. My dp dosnt shout at me. He only does things as instructed.

He can't /won't change. I will leave eventually or make him, whatever is easier.

Don't waste anymore time. Your so young. You have time on your side...i don't. It will get worse as your dc get older. My dp was hands on when the dc were babies, he's totally useless now.

Im as strong as an ox, i don't need him for anything. Hes not supported me during horribly difficult, sad & heartbreaking times. I know my dp won't support me when i need him. Its made me hard, tough & bitter... Don't let that happen to you.

DfanjoUnchained Wed 24-Jul-13 18:06:58

Thanks for all the replies, I'm going to read the properly after I settle ds.

He definitely knows something is up because he's being very nice and attentive, trying to kiss me when I came home.

ImperialBlether Wed 24-Jul-13 18:20:35

Now don't take this the wrong way, but why on earth does he want to marry you? He doesn't want to make your life easier and is angry with him if you ask him to; witness his yelling at you when you complained about his driving in labour. (And I had the road bump problem too, but when I shrieked in agony I got non-stop apologies and driving at 5mph from that moment till we arrived at the hospital.)

He doesn't want to be with you.

He's not affectionate towards you.

OP, frankly, he sounds horrible. Everyone can be nice occasionally, so don't think that's his true self. He sounds as though he's messed up about his mum and is transferring that to you. That's his problem.

Ask your dad about his house. Check, though, anonymously, whether you can claim housing benefit if the owner is a close relative.

You are 28 with a lovely child. Be happy. You only get this one chance.

Branleuse Wed 24-Jul-13 18:30:39

dump him

DfanjoUnchained Wed 24-Jul-13 20:52:12

I really don't know why he proposed to be honest and I was embarassed to admit it in couselling obviously. He said it felt like the right time since ds had come along. It was all v romantic and lovely.

We have good weeks and bad weeks. It really is a love hate relationship as when he's happy and upbeat he's so helpful and loving, but when he's down (or I am) then it's depressing.

Your posts have been really helpful. I'm hoping counselling will be a good way for me to air some of this tomorrow

HansieMom Wed 24-Jul-13 21:12:47

Please get away from him. He is joyless. Wouldn't you like to be with someone who enjoys things, who is fun? Who is kind and helpful?

I'd be careful with moving into a house with him. Much better to be on your own, just you and baby. Not have him around to drag you down.

Do look after yourself. Get away from him and be happy!

Just to say in my area you can't rent with HB a house owned by a parent. But I know in some areas you can because people have refered to it on here ... hope my LA is an exception...

Agree with others on here about getting away from him. Best wishes.

LisaMed Thu 25-Jul-13 08:28:22

If you are married he has a claim on any inheritance - eg a house. Just sayin.

DfanjoUnchained Thu 25-Jul-13 09:30:35

That's why I'm not even considering marrying him atm.

Counselling this morning. Going to ask him why he proposed and discuss how I've been feeling after the weekend.

He's been in a good mood now for a good few days, but I've been acting like he was - quiet etc I usually make dinner, get him tea but I've been just looking after myself. I really think he takes me for granted and when he realises it he takes more initiative etc

I hope your counseling goes okay.

This man sounds awful. There's not a single thing in any of your posts that suggests you should stay with him.

DfanjoUnchained Thu 25-Jul-13 09:41:32

I guess that's because I was writing out all his negatives. There are positives but the negatives weigh me down a lot.

He makes me laugh a lot, he's very affecti

DfanjoUnchained Thu 25-Jul-13 09:43:40

...affectionate. He's very generous with money (pays all the rent and most of bills and half of food). He's always telling me to go out with friends so I can have a break bit that doesn't happen much. We have a lot in common in terms of interests.

But like I said, the negatives are low and I find it hard to forget things and move on.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 25-Jul-13 11:14:23

Emotional bullies are not horrible all the time. They use a combination of carrot and stick to keep you controlled. Lovey-dovey, generous with money and telling you to go out with friends when you are being compliant (carrot).... angry, critical, unhelpful or ignoring you (stick) if you dare step out of line.

It's a very well-known emotionally abusive technique designed to manipulate your behaviour. Right now you think, if you could just find the 'answer' to why they were so angry or if you could be a better partner or if they went to therapy etc, you'd get the nice version of them all the time. You never will. It's an unobtainable goal and you'll waste a lot more of your life before you realise it.

DfanjoUnchained Thu 25-Jul-13 14:24:58

Thanks cognito that makes a lot of sense.

Counselling was ok but we left in an awkward way. When I was describing things he'd done he said I was portraying him as an 'utter bastard'. I said that ultimately I really don't think he likes me but really I think it's that he wants to be alone and not bothered, I don't know.
The counsellor is using cbt techniques to help us understand why we react in certain ways.
I really feel that he needs individual counselling though.

I would strongly encourage you to go for individual counseling, both of you. He needs to sort himself out, and I think it would help you figure out how you want to proceed.

I think couples counseling can be good if you have two people who really love each other but are going through a hard time and need help communicating. Or even after an affair, when both people are committed to repairing things. I don't think it's a good idea when one person is treating the other as badly as your DP is treating you, or when one person really needs to sort out deeper issues like childhood abuse.

I do think CBT is great and if you went on your own it would help you figure out why you're still in this relationship and how to sort out your feelings for the future.

The other problem with couples counseling is that it sort of puts the problem on both of you, when really he's the one who needs to make some major changes.

DfanjoUnchained Thu 25-Jul-13 15:27:26

Totally agree with you dreaming and in my case your second post is very true.

I really wanted him to go to individual counselling and he was going to but he had an assessment and they said couples would be better (I bet he spun things to look like I made him behave the way he does).

I might call the counsellor and see if she agrees.

I think that's a good idea. I think it's a bit odd actually, that they suggested couples.

DfanjoUnchained Thu 25-Jul-13 17:54:44

I reckon it's because of something he said during assessment

wundawoman Thu 25-Jul-13 18:10:13

Dganjo, your dp sounds so similar to mine!! You are better off without him!! I have been married to mine for 20 years (god knows how!) and he is a miserable sod most of the time. He is also charming to other people mostly. I was recently mortified when a new friend of mine met him and said 'where did you find him, he's so lovely...' I was gobsmacked and said nothing!!

My dp is good company when things are going well and as long as I am running the house, kids, bills, banking, cooking, cleaning, out working etc. But when the chips are down, boy do I know about it!! He can't cope and becomes withdrawn, sulking, aggressive and cannot support me emotionally or practically. Any attempt to discuss relationship issues with him are a waste of time; he's never wrong!! And it's someone else's fault (whatever it is).

He's obsessive about sport/football and this has priority over EVERYTHING in his life!!!

Interestingly, he also had a very bad relationship with his mother (has not spoken to her for several years!!) he hates her with passion. But as someone else said up thread, unless dealt with, this hatred somehow works its way into the marriage/partner relationship. I feel very sure of this too...and it's awful, hmm
I've put up with behaviour for a long time and man, it has been very difficult, i would not recommend it. However, next year is my year to do something about it, my dcs are finished school then, and it's crunch time. If I had my time again, I would have left sooner...

Listen to your instinct.

Maybe but I still think it's odd -- I would expect a counselor to see someone for a few sessions before jumping to the conclusion that couples therapy was appropriate. Couples therapy isn't recommended when there's abuse in a relationship and that's not something that can be sussed out in an initial assessment.

DfanjoUnchained Sat 27-Jul-13 17:36:42

Today was horrible. We were driving and I asked him if he knew where we were going (we were heading to a particular place) he said he did and I said please make sure you do as I was stressed driving in the heat with a baby crying.

As we got nearer he said he thought it was around here somewhere, which annoyed me. We then drove past it and had to turn around at which point I said for goodness sake you said you knew where it was.

He flipped, shouted over and over that he hated me and I was acting like a cunt. Punched my car and dented it (inside) and threw his phone around the car. Ds was screaming but he didnt care, carried on shouting so I got out and took ds out to get some air.

He calmed down after 20 mins and we moved on. It just seemed like such an overreaction. Considering some of the things he's done to me what I said was pretty trivial tbh.
It's just crap.

DfanjoUnchained Sat 27-Jul-13 17:39:51

He did apologise once we got in the place and hugged me. I just can't get what he said out of my head. He said he hated me over and over and that we should end it. We've had a lovely day after, which makes me so confused .

Nanny0gg Sat 27-Jul-13 18:56:09

I know nothing of this kind of things, but your last posts scream 'Mind Games' at me.

He is not a nice man.

Dearjackie Sat 27-Jul-13 19:09:10

I really feel for you as I have been/ am going through similar treatment.
One time I was off work for a month with anxiety and depression and felt I was having a breakdown. He started on me in the car on the way to a hospital appointment, screaming that everything was all about me, supposedly because his phone had gone wrong!

I was sobbing but it made no difference. He stopped the car and said relationship was over got out of car in a city he didn't know. I got into drivers seat to drive off and lo and behold he gets back in all contrite

It certainly screws your mind up and that's just one incident. If you haven't read Lundy Bancroft book I'd advise to get it. I'm just working my way through its an eye opener.

Take care

DfanjoUnchained Sat 27-Jul-13 21:29:52

Thank you

CookieDoughKid Sun 28-Jul-13 04:35:06

Definitely do not marry him if you have doubts. You should check the legal section on mumsnet. I don't think the house in your sole name (or any other asset) makes a Legal difference in divorce. You could be a millionaire and he could have 1p to his nAME, it all goes into one pot. That's the starting point from where the assets are divid up!! I'm not a divorce lawyer BTW. Please seriously check the financial implications of divorce so u are clear what the risks are!!

CookieDoughKid Sun 28-Jul-13 05:45:06

Just read the house will be in your dad's name but still, I would check with legal (your dad should anyway) and check cost of divorce and entitlement in general.

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