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Ex demanding money.

(57 Posts)
dontcallmehon Mon 22-Jul-13 22:15:06

So, I threw my gambling ex out a few months ago. I said it might be temporary if he sorted out his habit and got some cash together. I said it would be at least a year, but we could date and see how things went. All has been going well, he tells me he's on top of the money situation and he isn't gambling. We even booked a holiday to center parcs - which I have paid for in full, along with activities, on the understanding that ex would give me a little bit towards it.

He turns up at mine tonight, in his car, slurring his speech a little. Says he has only had two pints of shandy. I don't believe him. He is a bit grandiose and arrogant, saying he has been offered a new job. Starts to open a can of beer. I stop him and ask him how he's getting home, as he's not driving and he can't stay with me. He gets aggressive.

He then says he needs £300. He had a minor bump in the car, his fault and has to pay the damages (not going through insurance). I said no - as I've paid for the holiday, I have three dcs to bring up on my own and I don't want to lend him money. He insists I had promised him. I'm sure I did not. Last month ex got £900 from a whiplash claim, so I naturally assumed he'd put some aside for this accident that he knew he'd have to pay for. I explained that I didn't mind paying for the holiday, as it was my treat for the kids, but I wasn't paying for the damage he'd caused to someone else's car.

He starts shouting and pointing his finger at me, saying I promised. He knows I have a few thousand in my account from some work I've done recently - but I worked bloody hard for that money and I'm a single mum with a house to keep. He seems to think he is entitled to it. I told him to never come back and I've asked my mum to come to Center Parcs with me. I think I'm right - even if I HAD promised to lend ex the money (which I don't remember doing) he has no right to treat me like this. He earns a good salary, but is saddled with debt. Meantime, since he left, I've never been so financially secure. I don't think that's a coincidence.

Am I in the right here? What should I do now? I'm worried he'll withdraw maintenance money out of spite.

Earthworms Mon 22-Jul-13 22:17:30

Yes. You are right.


He sound like an entitled nob

Hegsy Mon 22-Jul-13 22:19:58

You are right give home nothing. I'd also have called the police about drink driving. Might be worth making contact with CSa re maintanence as theŷ only look at payments from when you claim.

Sounds like you are well rid of this waste of space!

dontcallmehon Mon 22-Jul-13 22:22:00

I thought so. He sounds so sure of himself that I start to doubt my own judgement. I am very careful with money and I really doubt that I would have agreed to lend him the money - but even if I did, surely the fact that I've paid for a holiday up front for all of us would mean that I might not have it anymore! I do - but I need a safety net, particularly as I'm self employed.

dontcallmehon Mon 22-Jul-13 22:22:45

I would have called the police, but he lives 5 mins away (at his mum's) so would have got home before they caught him.

Beckamaw Mon 22-Jul-13 22:23:31

I think you've been too bloody generous already.
Withdrawing maintenance money because he's incapable of being careful with his own possessions? How can any of this be your responsibility?
Disengage. Keep walking.

dontcallmehon Mon 22-Jul-13 22:28:24

Yes, you're right. He seems to think I'm wrong, but I have worked non-stop for weeks and built up a little bit of money to make a nice life for me and the kids. I pay the mortgage, music lessons for the kids, uniforms, holidays, bills, food, etc....

dontcallmehon Mon 22-Jul-13 22:37:05

I'm going to book a solicitor and make the separation legal.

kalidanger Mon 22-Jul-13 22:52:20

He doesn't think you're wrong, he doesn't care what you are or think - he's still gambling and saying anything to get money out of you.

You still want to date him?

Bogeyface Mon 22-Jul-13 23:00:03

Are you married?

If you are then dont bother with making the seperation legal, just file. And the day after, get onto the CSA, they can take it direct from his wages if he plays silly buggers.

You, I am sure, will have given him many many chances before you actually split up with him and even then offered him a way to make things right. He has wasted all of those chances. You need to do what is right for you and your kids now. He has chosen his path, choose yours wisely.

dontcallmehon Mon 22-Jul-13 23:14:20

Unfortunately we are married. The house is in my name and he signed a declaration of non interest when I bought it - so just want to secure my asset. Oh yes, he's had so so so many chances.

dontcallmehon Mon 22-Jul-13 23:15:25

I will not date him again. We're all happier without him. I guess I just believed in working at a marriage - but I have my limits.

Dahlen Mon 22-Jul-13 23:17:00

You are right and well done for sticking to your guns. I have a feeling life is going to get much more enjoyable for you from now on. smile

dontcallmehon Mon 22-Jul-13 23:18:19

To be honest, as soon as I kicked him out, people were saying how much happier I looked, so it will continue to get better and better I think.

dontcallmehon Tue 23-Jul-13 01:22:04

Anyone about? I seem strong, but I'm a bit lonely and flat.

arabellasknickers Tue 23-Jul-13 02:04:56

Hi., well done. I split from my ex over a year ago but it is hard as I continue to see him.. yet I felt myself slipping back into something really bad. Stay strong, you are better off without him. You gave him a chance and he has proved how other things gambling, drinking, whatever, mean more to him than his family. Don't sell yourself short you're better on your own than with someone who places such little worth in you.

arabellasknickers Tue 23-Jul-13 02:07:25

my ex was an alcoholic, abusive, etc and sh*t with money. He used me for years and controlled me terribly. I need to man up again and get him out of my life again as I slipped back into seeing him a couple times a week. why I did that I don't know, familiarity I guess. I think we all wish and hope for things to get better, but try as we might they very rarely do. leopards don't change their spots very often. keep focused on being happy in yourself. What he does now in response to you saying no will be quite telling in itself I imagine. Don't go back, don't settle.

Glad you didn't give him any money, what a looser, and no he shouldn't talk to you like that.
Get to the solicitor ASAP.

Lweji Tue 23-Jul-13 06:13:56

Going without maintenance money seems better than to keep giving him money.
Do you get maintenance through CSA? If not, do it.

TalkativeJim Tue 23-Jul-13 09:33:59

Of course you didn't agree to give him money!

You think you would have done that?!

Stupid, selfish, entitled, shit husband, shit dad.

Good on you for not letting him drag you and your family down.

Have a fab holiday, file for divorce and put in a CSA claim.

When he next starts whining at you, reply with 'Oh it's good to hear from you. We need to discuss your side of the responsibilities towards the children - how we split school runs, how many overnights you're going to have, what you will be doing with them on weekends, I'd like you to be fully involved in uniform shopping, for one thing...'

And watch him run!

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 23-Jul-13 09:42:45

Of course you're in the right. The only thing you seem to have done wrong is the whole 'dating' business and being optimistic that he was going to change. But it's understandable if you felt he was worth a last chance. Many wouldn't have given him that. Now he's blown his last chance, he's history.... well done.

mummytime Tue 23-Jul-13 09:50:55

It might be easier if you realise if he has a gambling problem then he has an other woman. Only she is gambling, and she is the most demanding other woman you can imagine. So she will force him to try to get more money, if being nice doesn't get it then he will be nasty.

Get legal advice and get your money separated from his ASAP, for the sake of your children.

dontcallmehon Tue 23-Jul-13 10:22:41

Yes you're right. I have arranged a free consultation with a solicitor. He text apologising, saying I'd just put him in an awkward position and didn't I remember promising. The he messaged again to say sorry for shouting and he'd have to sort it out. I've ignored. He also let himself into my house this morning and came upstairs, but I pretended to be asleep and he went away. I am going to need the key back.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 23-Jul-13 10:27:43

Get the key back or change the locks. shock He doesn't 'get it' does he?

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Tue 23-Jul-13 14:24:00

You are right. I would talk to your bank though. Would he still be able to run any debt in your joint names as you are still married? I hope not, but better be safe than sorry.

mrsmartin1984 Tue 23-Jul-13 15:03:10

My husband has a gambling problem. He goes to GA every week and has not gambled for over 2 1/2 years. He is 2 different people when he gambles and when he does not. We don't have money issues and I manage the accounts. We have gamblock on the computer so he can't gamble that way.

While he is in the thick of gambling that is the only thing that interests him. You are not a person you are a cash cow. All he wants is more money to gamble more. Have you considered contacting GamAnon which is a support organisation for partners and family of addicts. It's handy to talk to people who are in the same boat.

Personally I wouldn't slip back and maybe you should look for legal advice on where you stand

dontcallmehon Tue 23-Jul-13 18:02:05

We don't have a joint account. He can't access my money thankfully and I don't share any cards or loans with him. Seeing the solicitor next week.

FiftyShadesofGreyMatter Wed 24-Jul-13 04:39:49

Get the locks changed now. He has no boundaries. Do you want him coming into your house again?

mrfrancis82 Wed 24-Jul-13 13:48:56

Wow, what a wanker. What sort of man does that kind of thing? I think you should make this separation more permanent as he certainly isn't a good role model to his kids.

dontcallmehon Fri 02-Aug-13 16:18:06

Feeling a bit low. Just been to see a solicitor and it is £400 for a separation agreement, which I've got drawn up. The marital home shouldn't be a problem, as there is a small amount of equity that would be pretty much wiped out in the event of a sale, so from now on it will be set in stone that the house is mine. There isn't an asset to divide. Ex has agreed to be responsible for any debts in his name, so that will be in the agreement too. This secures my position financially completely. It just isn't how I wanted my marriage to be.

Sorry you are feeling low but it's completely understandable.
You will have down days but they will become fewer and further between as time goes by.
£400 for a separation?
Wow - I think a divorce is only £340 - well it was a little while ago anyway.
Hoping you have a good day tomorrow.

LisaMed Fri 02-Aug-13 16:43:13

Hope I am wrong, but do a credit check on yourself, I think you can get them from Experian and Equifax. He can get in and out of your house with his key, he could be getting details to get credit in your name.

Hope I am wrong and wishing you lots of luck.

dontcallmehon Fri 02-Aug-13 17:53:49

I'll do that, but I got credit myself very recently for a car - so I doubt he has done that. He is incapable of keeping up with repayments, so if he did have credit in my name I would know about it. I really don't think he has.

The separation agreement is expensive, but it'll be more expensive without one.

Bogeyface Fri 02-Aug-13 20:35:51

You can get a seperation thingy on your credit file too (sorry not sure what it is called disassociation or something?) so that nothing he does credit wise will affect you.

And afaik you can put a fraud alert on your file too so that extra identity checks must be carried out so it makes him fraudulently getting CC in your name much much harder.

You think he hasnt done it so far, but if he is desperate for money then he may well do it in the future. Better to make life a little harder for yourself (such as when you got your car for eg) by finance taking longer than to go through the hell that is credit fraud. Trust me on this, my parents went through it twice and it was awful.

dontcallmehon Sun 04-Aug-13 22:51:26

He was here today, looking after the kids while I worked. He has to have them at my house, as his mum can't cope with the three of them at hers. Not ideal.

Since we separated and I decided it might well be permanent, I had a date arranged for next week. I don't want to rush into anything - it was just a coffee.

Anyway, he's now being horrible to me as he snooped around on my laptop and found my online dating profile. I'd left it logged in by mistake. Not that I need to hide anything, but it's none of his business. He read all my messages. I'm sure he looks at my phone and he's snooped around on Mumsnet too :-( He's probably read this.

Ezio Sun 04-Aug-13 23:50:50

Password protect your laptop, or put a lock and your bedroom door and leave your important stuff in there.

dontcallmehon Mon 05-Aug-13 21:10:17

Feel really sad. He's obviously devastated. He's signed agreement with no argument. I am doing the right thing, aren't I?

akaWisey Mon 05-Aug-13 21:22:40

Yes you are, don't doubt your decision because you are sad.

You can't rescue him from his addiction and you don't have to. His devastation should be the catalyst for getting his life together IN HIS OWN RIGHT but not with you as the 'prize'.

Time for you to try and move on. You can do it. smile

Ezio Mon 05-Aug-13 21:28:59

What Wisey said, you cant save him, hes gotta do that himself.

dontcallmehon Mon 05-Aug-13 22:08:45

Yes, this is true. I keep thinking 'what if I'm wrong.' He's not really admitting to anything and he can lie convincingly, but then today he said he understood why I had to do this and I was right. He just looked so sad :-(

We've been together for ten years and I do still care deeply about him and what happens to him. That makes it harder.

But everyone is commenting on how glowing and happy I look since I finished with him and even though I'm not sleeping properly, I think they're right. That must tell me something.

OP it really sounds as if you are doing the right thing. He doesn't really deep down inside believe he has a gambling problem, does he? You've got to protect yourself and your DCs.

You MUST password protect everything or better yet, take your laptop with you! Keep your phone on you at all times. Get the keys back.

dontcallmehon Mon 05-Aug-13 22:26:45

No, he doesn't really believe he has a problem and I don't believe he has sought out proper help. I've given him so many chances.

It's not the first time or even the second or third time he's lied about money. The amounts of money involved are not ridiculously huge yet (although substantial- we could cope with it if he was able to change), but it's more the deceit and the lack of trust.

I suppose I expected him to argue about the agreement, but he's just signed everything to me without question. Which is what I wanted - but it's sad.

dontcallmehon Tue 06-Aug-13 01:18:05

Just searched my old threads on relationships from years ago. Now I know I'm doing the right thing.

notanyanymore Tue 06-Aug-13 01:20:48

You are SO right, and I have SO much respect for you

dontcallmehon Tue 06-Aug-13 01:23:29

Thank you notanymore, that means a lot. It's not easy - hence me still being up at this hour, but I'm doing ok.

EBearhug Tue 06-Aug-13 16:09:53

Change your passwords and change the locks.

dontcallmehon Tue 06-Aug-13 22:52:02

I will. I just feel thoroughly heartbroken.

EBearhug Tue 06-Aug-13 22:57:50

You're heartbroken because of what could have been, which is natural. But try to remember how things actually are - it is going to be hard, but you've already said you're doing the right thing, and you can do it!

dontcallmehon Tue 06-Aug-13 23:01:32

I know. I keep wondering what will become of him. He took kids to park today and afterwards sat on my sofa looking so sad. And I know I could make it better, but I can't do it.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat Wed 07-Aug-13 15:29:54

dontcallmehon you are doing absolutely the right thing, and hope you don't mind me reviving the thread but just wanted to pick up on where you said " And I know I could make it better, but I can't do it." - you're half right - as in, no you can't make it better, only he can - by addressing his gambling problem, and as you said above, he's not willing to.
Whatever happens, don't forget it's him that wrought this on your marriage, not you. Take care x

dontcallmehon Wed 07-Aug-13 19:12:42

Thanks OnIlkelyMoorBahtat, that makes sense. Not one person has suggested I'm wrong yet, so that tells me something. At the very least he hasn't treated me very well over the years.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat Thu 08-Aug-13 16:36:31

Exactly dontcallmehon, and no one is going to suggest you are, cos you ain't!

Hope you are ok today? x

GetStuffezd Thu 08-Aug-13 16:46:20

I have no advice as I've never been in your boat, but just wanted to say your strength of character really shines out of your posts.
Everyone deserves a partner who will put them first. I hope you can stay strong.

Tubemole1 Thu 08-Aug-13 17:19:18

You are right.

BeCool Thu 08-Aug-13 17:25:53

You need to put a password (or new password) on your computer so he can snoop/use it when he comes around. My exP did the same while using my flat to look after DC - he then shouted/raged at me - I took my keys back and password protected my laptop, in my own home, so not to feel invaded. if he needs a computer whilst looking after the DC then he will have to bring his own.

It is sad things didn't work out and he isn't the man you need - of possibly even then man he wants to be. It is sad you can't fix him. It is sad the father of your DC is a dickhead.

I feel the same sadness.
STILL at least I'm not getting shouted at now, and I don't have to worry about his debts or drug addiction. Which is FANTASTIC!

It really is OK to be tough, set limits and stand by them - in fact its essential.

dontcallmehon Fri 09-Aug-13 09:46:27

He's now threatening not to look after the dc while I work because he's found out I've been on a date. He guessed and then accused me of lying to him.

BeCool Fri 09-Aug-13 12:38:51

Sorry OP - but he sounds like the kind of guy you should expect absolutely nothing from. Even looking after his own DC is a way to attempt to manipulate and control you.

Can you get proper childcare? Have you looked into what Working Tax Credits you will be entitled to to help pay the childcare?

Can you consider detaching from him completely? To regain control yourself. Nothing will show him you are moving on more than asking nothing from him at all. Give him a few months of this and you might well find his attitude changes.

In the meantime, if he is coming into your home password protect everything. Allow him access to nothing personal of yours.

I'm now 8 months separated - X was abusing cocaine secretly for years. Me detaching is working very well for us! It's taken every breath of air out of his sails and he has been forced (by me doing actually very little but cutting him off and engaging with him ONLY on my level - not his) to really honestly look at himself and is slowly making revolutionary changes (time will tell of course).

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