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Oh bugger. I think I'm in love with one of my best friends.

(331 Posts)
LucyWildelovesGru Mon 22-Jul-13 20:27:52

I've known him for years though we've definitely spent a lot more time together recently. He's kind and funny and smart. We get on incredibly well, we spend loads of time together and we never run out of things to say. We've got loads in common, and lots of mutual friends - he's perfect. I even like his parents.

And now I think I've fallen for him. We went to a wedding two weekends where neither of us knew many other people - as a result, we spent most of the time together and had a lovely time. And when I got home, I realised I don't want to just be friends any more, and I keep thinking about him and how much fun we had.

I can't believe I've gone and done this - he's so much a part of my life, and now I've got to either tell him how I feel and ruin the friendship if it's not reciprocated, or do nothing and try and get over it. Or, I suppose, hang around in the hope that he feels the same way. But I don't have any real evidence that he does.

I have absolutely no idea how to go about this - I've even been googling "ways to tell if he fancies you" which is absurd given my age and the fact that all the articles say things like "try and sit next to him in class and see what happens". But I've never been in this situation before - got married at 25 to the boy I'd been going out with since school, and haven't dared go on a date since we split up two years ago.

I know he isn't dating anyone else, and that he hasn't had a serious relationship since his girlfriend died about five years ago. But that doesn't mean he's interested in me, of course.

Please, tell me to get a grip and get on with my life. Or to get a grip and tell him how I feel. Or give me a list of "ten ways to tell if a forty something bloke who's unfailingly polite and interested in everyone he encounters likes you more than he likes other people" so I can work out whether he likes me back.

littleblackno Mon 22-Jul-13 20:51:48

can you get drunk and make a pass at him? If he turns you down, blame it on the alcohol and laugh it off... if you wake up together then all good!! Probably not very helpful but not sure what to suggest. I can understand the "not wanting to ruin a friendship" argument but you could be missing out on developing that friendship too. Surely being friends is the ideal base for starting anything else?
Good luck.

Crikeyblimey Mon 22-Jul-13 20:54:37

Fortune favours the brave!

I married my best friend! He was like you and fell for me first but when he explained how he felt, I realised I could t hope for a better partner smile. We've been married 10 years now smile

Geordieminx Mon 22-Jul-13 20:56:08

I bet he loves you too...

Dahlen Mon 22-Jul-13 21:00:21

Are you absolutely positive that you've fallen in love with him and it's not a case of being lonely and he being the only suitable male by a long shot?

Assuming that it's him I'd play out all the different resolutions to this scenario in your head over and over, so that you have a clear game plan of what you're going to do in each event.

Then I'd simply tell him. If your friendship is really that strong, you'll find the right words to tell him so that even if he isn't interested it won't end your friendship (though it might be a little strained for a short while).

Good luck.

Teafairy Mon 22-Jul-13 21:07:54

This was me...I decided I needed to do something about it, as it was driving me MAD, I convinced myself to be brave, so I texted him one night, (Ok, not that brave!) and told him how I felt, we exchanged a few texts and then he turned up at my house, didn't even say hello, just kissed me, was perfect. We've been together 9 years, married 4, have two DD's and he's still my best friend. One and only time I've ever knowingly been brave but by far the best thing i've ever done. I figured that he knew me well enough to know if I was saying it, i meant it and even if he didn't feel the same, I knew him well enough to know he'd treat me with respect. I'd say talk to him!! (or wuss out and text like I did! grin )

Sondosia Mon 22-Jul-13 21:10:05

Agree with Dahlen - even if he doesn't feel the same way, it doesn't necessarily spell the end of the friendship if you two are that close. Also, if you don't do it, you might spend the rest of your life wondering what could have happened if only you had.

I've actually been in your position twice - the first time I couldn't bring myself to do anything about it and for a long time, it was a massive regret for me, wondering what could have been (although years later he came out as gay, so at least now I know that it wouldn't have worked out anyway!)

The second time, I was equally terrified but the regret of the first time spurred me on. I chickened out of asking him more times than I can count and when I finally did blurt it out, it was the scariest thing I'd ever done, but he said 'yes' immediately - he'd been trying to pluck up the courage to have that conversation too. It was one of the best moments of my life... until it was beaten by our wedding day smile

LucyWildelovesGru Mon 22-Jul-13 21:12:09

Oh hell. You might be right Dahlen. There are no other suitable men around these parts, and he is extremely suitable. I don't have anything else to compare it to, I certainly didn't fall in love with my ex husband in this zero to sixty kind of way (if indeed I ever actually fell in love with him).

Geordieminx, that's obviously what I'm hoping. But I'm not sure how I'm ever going to find that out, or whether he would ever make the first move even if he did. I'm sure he's far too much of a gentleman to make me feel awkward if his feelings weren't reciprocated.

Crikeyblimey, that's such an encouraging story. Had you ever given any thought to him as a possible partner before he said something to you?

Getting drunk is probably the only feasible option although I'm not a particularly big drinker. I was slightly drunk at the wedding, and he very sweetly walked me back to my room and said good night. Surely that would have been the moment to make a move if he felt the same way?

Sorry, I know this is tedious and a real first world problem, but the only people I'd want to talk to about this all know him really well as well. I can't say anything to any of them, or it would make everything really weird...certainly none of them have any idea how I feel or have ever given me any indication he's interested in me.

LucyWildelovesGru Mon 22-Jul-13 21:14:25

Teafairy and Sondosia, your stories made me cry! That's so lovely, and so encouraging. What made you both decide to take the plunge? There must have been some clue somewhere, surely? (And Teafairy, what did you say in your text?...just in case I feel equally brave at some point in the future!)

amotherincognito Mon 22-Jul-13 21:20:16

Has he seen anyone else at all since his girlfriend died? Maybe he's scared and still feels awkward but feels the same about you as you do about him but is holding off due to what's happened?

Teafairy Mon 22-Jul-13 21:25:10

I guess, I was trying to weigh up what i'd regret most; possibly missing out on the love of my life or totally embarrassing myself, in the end I figured that a lifetime of happiness was worth the risk (and if I did embarrass myself, I knew he wouldn't share with anyone else and wouldn't make me feel bad, I knew our friendship would survive, it might have been strained for a while, but I knew it was a genuine friendship). I can't remember what I said exactly, but it was basically along the lines if 'I don't know how to say this and I know it could be awkward but I have totally fallen for you' but less cringeworthy than that.

You know your friend, you know how you normally talk to him, don't over think it if you decide to do it, or you'll convince yourself not to o it, or send something that doesn't sound anything like you and he'll wonder what's going on! Good luck!

Sondosia Mon 22-Jul-13 21:32:48

Like Teafairy - it was about the way that I felt, rather than any clues he gave me. The fear that maybe he did feel the same way and neither of us would ever make a move and we'd miss out on something amazing for no good reason. I was also scared that it would get harder to do it the longer I left it, or he might get together with someone else in the mean time.

I know you desperately want some kind of reassurance that he'll say yes before you ask him and that it feels like a bigger risk if you don't have it, but that doesn't mean the risk is any less likely to pay off. In the case of my DH, the reason there was no clue was simply that he was as good at hiding it as I was!

LucyWildelovesGru Mon 22-Jul-13 21:44:04

I know he hasn't seen anyone else, unless it's been very casual. I'm sure he's very wary of getting hurt, he was heartbroken when his girlfriend died - it was very sudden and very sad.

I suppose I am looking for reassurance and I know I am not going to get it. He does often suggest we do things together (cinema, art galleries etc) but he's got several other single female friends. He spent a while at the weekend trying to persuade me to learn bridge so I could play with him and his friends (he's pretty good, I think). And offering to lend me various photography books that he thinks my ds would enjoy - which he would, as he's just taken up the hobby and is really into it. Both of which I took as positive signs. But then when I emailed him to ask when would be a good time to pick up the books, he certainly didn't fall over himself to suggest meeting up at some other point. Mind you, poor guy - not sure why I expect him to be the one to make the effort all the time.

I know I'm overthinking this, and I should just make a move or forget about it. But making the first move is so very very far away from the way I'd normally go about doing things that it feels like the most alarming thing ever. I don't think I'd recover from a knock back that easily.

MissStrawberry Mon 22-Jul-13 21:48:33

Text him

Tell him what a great night you had at the wedding and was wondering if he would like to go out for dinner on X?

Or you could be brave and tell him you really like him and want to be more than friends. Tell him he doesn't have to answer if he doesn't feel the same and then you will have to try and carry on as normal.

MadeMan Mon 22-Jul-13 22:00:42

I reckon he's probably had similar thoughts at some point Lucy and may even be thinking the same way as you now. Highly likely that the idea of you two becoming a couple has crossed his mind before (unless he's gay).

HotDAMNlifeisgood Mon 22-Jul-13 22:05:21

Making a move will be difficult and awkward, but you will survive a knock back, if that is what comes. Declaring yourself is great because it means that you will know, one way or another. You will therefore be able to get over it more quickly (or enjoy a lovely romance).

It will be far more painful and more drawn-out than a knock back to agonize in the uncertainty of NOT knowing.

Just tell him. All you need to say is: We need to talk; this will be awkward. I like you, and I need to know how you feel.

That's it, it doesn't take more than 2-3 sentences, and any awkwardness will be over in either minutes or in a few weeks, depending on his answer. He's unlikely to be horrid to you, and you can survive embarrassment. In fact, I bet you feel proud of yourself for having taken the risk and been true to yourself, whatever his response.

ElephantsAndMiasmas Mon 22-Jul-13 22:12:21

Can you try to step up the eye contact a bit, when you meet up? Preferably not in a mad way... Just that if two people like each other it usually shows because they take longer to look away, and there's that lovely "building" of feeling between you.

LucyWildelovesGru Mon 22-Jul-13 22:21:02

Maybe...I think that might be my next tactic followed by a direct approach if nothing happens. Can I do it by email do you think, or is that too cowardly?

I suppose I'm holding back because I don't think my self esteem is strong enough to survive a knock back. I felt pretty bad for ages after my ex had an affair (with someone who was ten years younger and much prettier than me). I think rejection might hurt more than not knowing...

MadeMan Mon 22-Jul-13 22:21:18

Let me just add as well that, myself as a bloke, thinking as a bloke, he's probably eyed you up a few times at some point and thought about getting it on with you, because unless you're his mum or his sister, men eye up women all the time; even if they then have to check themselves and pull themselves together.

He's probably doing the man thing of thinking that you're happy being friends with him because that's what women like and he doesn't want to ruin the friendship with his 'typical man' horny testosterone fulled desires.

LucyWildelovesGru Mon 22-Jul-13 22:24:37

MadeMan, he's definitely not gay!

Do all men entertain thoughts of coupling up with all of their single friends? I certainly have male friends that I've never seen as anything other than just friends....

LadyMilfordHaven Mon 22-Jul-13 22:30:44

get a mate to gently take the piss out of him when they are together saying something about your relationship

see how he reacts

LucyWildelovesGru Mon 22-Jul-13 22:34:02

Cross posted, MadeMan!

I've certainly never given him any signals that I'm interested, because this is all quite recent. I've given it some thought in the past because he is single and so am I and I don't know many other single men, but never with any real focus or interest if that makes sense.

But why should he be more intersted in me than one of his other female single friends? I'm not all that special...

LadyMilford, I can't do that because then I would have to tell one of them how I feel and although I can just about face him turning me down I don't think I could bear anyone else knowing. And my friends are horribly indiscreet and sooner or later the whole town would know...

Incapinka Mon 22-Jul-13 22:37:13

Email is fine!! I did it by text... Very bravely (!) I texted my dear friend when I was on holiday escaping from the boyfriend who was an arse and attempting to get my head straight. Buoyed up on gin I texted my friend "if I was single would you go out on a date with me?" I then waited and waited for what felt like hours but realistically was only a couple of minutes for a positive response and the rest is history. Best text message I have ever sent. Promptly got rid off nasty ex and we have now been together 10 years, married for 6 and have a gorgeous 2 year old.
Just ask him. You don't have to declare undying love but you have nothing to lose at suggesting a bit more.... Do it!! And good luck!!!

magimedi Mon 22-Jul-13 22:42:18

Go for it!

Life is not a dress rehearsal!

Good luck & please let us know what happens.

Twinklestein Mon 22-Jul-13 22:43:54

I dunno Lucy, on the one hand I want it to be hearts & flowers, on the other I have a single male 40something friend who also has a bunch of single female friends & my h & I have tried to work out if he fancies any of them, and really we have no idea.

I think he quite likes his life as it is.

I sort of feel you might have some inkling if he liked you.

If you have been hurt badly then I would play it safe.

I don't know what's normal for you two, but could you ask him out for a drink so that it's more of a one on one date setup than going to a film/gallery? Change your manner with him, ask him more personal questions. And then gauge the signals...

But, if that's inconclusive then you're going to have to tell him...

LadyMilfordHaven Mon 22-Jul-13 22:44:29

no one of them can say " ooh you can SO TELL"

as if you dont know

MadeMan Mon 22-Jul-13 22:45:38

Lucy if they are single women friends then I would hazard a guess and say yes. Men look at women. They might look at a woman and think, "No", but they would look and think about it for a moment. I'm not talking about men having sexual fantasies about every woman they meet and going home and masturbating over them, it's just that if you are in their life then the chances are that they have looked at you as a woman; not just as a friend.

I'm basically saying that he might be leaving it up for you to decide out of respect for you and because he's a gentleman.

I told my best friend to kiss me just after I broke up with my ex. He did, we're together still 2 years later and planning our wedding for the summer after next. Though I was honest and told him outright that I liked him six years ago and he turned me down then. Didn't damage the friendship for long though, things were a bit awkward for a few weeks but fine after that.

But just do it, it's worth it wink

LadyMilfordHaven Mon 22-Jul-13 22:50:54

that is interesting made man. Men always laugh when women sya " ooh its not like that" as i think they know they would have checked you out

Purple2012 Mon 22-Jul-13 23:02:12

I would take the risk and let him know. If you don't you will always wonder. Let us know what happens.

Another one saying go for it.

Finally got together with my best mate eight years ago after months of flirting and does he doesn't he. We have been married for five years.

littleblackno Mon 22-Jul-13 23:20:10

Have you text him yet? Go on, do it tonight then you can let us all know! grin

LucyWildelovesGru Mon 22-Jul-13 23:26:40

No, definitely not tonight! Need to think about this. He took lots of photos at the wedding which he said he would put into an album and share with me, so I will wait for that - seems a good opportunity to say what a good time I had. And see where that gets me...

MadeMan Mon 22-Jul-13 23:35:09

I see the two of you... sitting close together on the settee, a glass of wine each, wedding album lying open across both your knees, idly flicking through this tome of wedded love in your laps...

bottleofbeer Mon 22-Jul-13 23:47:21

You know what? just go for it.

Don't spend your life wondering 'what if' because let me tell you that feeling of 'what if' never truly goes away and I think a tactful rebuff from him (being worst case scenario) would be easier to live with and move on from.

pippop1 Tue 23-Jul-13 00:11:53

My grown up DS has a few v close friends that are girls. DH is convinced that one of them will be The One in the end.

cronullansw Tue 23-Jul-13 01:16:10

Jeez........... smile

He's a friend, so talk to him, don't insult him by getting pissed and making a pass, that'll make it look as if you are only doing it cos you are pissed.

He's a friend, he'll be impressed either way; if he does fancy you, he'll be delighted, and even if he doesn't, he'll still be terribly pleased.

MrsPeeWee Tue 23-Jul-13 01:29:14

Keep us updated, OP. smile
brew

Speedos Tue 23-Jul-13 06:48:08

I think with older guys they things they do when they like you aren't too disimilar to what all those websites you visited say obviously there is not sitting next to in class going on though!

I am in a messy attraction/love situation with a 'friend' at the moment, nothing has happened nor have we discussed it and won't be discussing it as I am trying to avoid now. However the key signs he likes you more than a friend are:

- always catching him looking after you have walked away.
- prolonged eye contact.
- always casually touching (arm squeeze, hand pat, hug, wiping something off your face) nothing too obvious like thigh!
- never mentioning other women they like (my 'friend' didn't even mention a girlfriend let alone he was engaged and getting married within a couple of months, I only found out as someone mentioned his stag do, I had know him for about 6 months by then)
- always wanting to talk about any problems in your current relationship, my 'friend' was very interested in my unhappy marriage. Men generally wouldn't care about this kind of thing.

Obviously nothing ever happened between us though I am love with him and miss him terribly as you are both single I really hope you go for it, life is too short to wonder what might of happened.

Speedos Tue 23-Jul-13 06:51:03

Sorry for all the typo's!

noddyholder Tue 23-Jul-13 06:59:24

I think you should carry on as you are. If he was interested I think you would know ad the wedding was an ideal opportunity to get together but it didn't happen. It may just take him awhile Go out as normal and see if it develops

I had a really good friend once. I'd known him for three years, but never really fancied him. Then we went to a wedding together and the rest is history. Married 13 years this month, have a gorgeous dd together, and despite ups and downs are still best friends.

fackinell Tue 23-Jul-13 09:53:11

Oooh this thread is exciting!!! What I'd do is slightly take the chickens way out and text him, 'I know someone who really likes you but is nervous about making a move. Would you be interested in a relationship ATM, and if so, what kind would you be looking for?'

It totally gets his perspective without any embarrassment whatsoever. If he really likes you, he won't risk saying he doesn't want a relationship. If he asks for more, describe yourself.
Ready with an 'oh God, I didn't mean me!' If need be.

I'm a total wimp though and have always relied on men making a move. I'd maybe act a bit embarrassed and say you had a dream about him or something. Men do seem to like that. grin

Go for it Lucy. As another poster said, fortune favours the brave and believe it or not even if he does reject you, you will get over that more quickly than the not-knowing. I would defo do it in your situation, unfortunately the guy I like I haven't spoken to or seen in 9 months! So I can't just pipe uphmm

Woodenpeg Tue 23-Jul-13 12:01:12

Come on OP, life is about LIVING! You could be wasting precious time...

I'm sending you VIBES!

Good luck!!

lydiajones Tue 23-Jul-13 12:45:01

How about being a bit flirty (compliments, a bit more tactile etc) with him the next few times you are with him and see how he reacts rather than actually declaring your undying love to him? If you start flirting you can see how he reacts to you. It might put the idea in his head and he might make a move?

ElephantsAndMiasmas Tue 23-Jul-13 12:45:35

Can you try to spend more time with him? When are you seeing him next?

MadeMan Tue 23-Jul-13 15:29:19

I really like fackinell's idea about telling him about a dream you had of the two of you. You can make it up and then just casually say to him that you dreamt that the two of you were married with kids to see what his reaction will be. If he laughs it off you can always laugh with him and tell him it might not be that bad, or he may even tell you it could be a good plan. Either way, it puts the suggestion of marriage into his head and may get him thinking.

People have all sorts of crazy dreams and you can always blame it on the wedding you both went to and the talk of him doing the photo album.

LucyWildelovesGru Tue 23-Jul-13 16:12:12

You’re all great, thank you. I feel nearly brave enough to go for it. I think. I will of course report back to you all...

I’m seeing him this weekend – he’s offered to lend me some wetsuits for the dcs that his nephews use when they come to visit him and he suggested we call in to collect them and have a cup of tea. But I’ll have all three dcs with me so not really the time for a heart to heart as they run around the garden screeching. (Did I mention he is a devoted uncle and extremely good with my three, who all really like him?...) But I might try a bit harder to read his signals than I have done before.

Then we’re going to the opera in a couple of weeks – slightly engineered by me, but a colleague had some spare tickets and I knew he’d enjoy it so texted him this morning to ask if he wanted to come along and he came back straight away to say yes. So perhaps dinner after the opera with a bottle of wine might be the moment.

When we were talking last week at a friend’s birthday party, I mentioned in passing that I was planning on going on a residential rock climbing course in a couple of months (I used to do quite a bit at university, but am really rusty). He said he’d definitely be keen to come along as well and to let him know before I booked it - and I really wasn’t hinting, I never thought he’d be interested. So I am taking that as a sign that he at least enjoys my company.

Sigh. I’m too old for this! I spent most of last night re-reading his previous emails and texts. There’s always a kiss at the end of them, and plenty of in-jokes, but I think that might just be him...

ElephantsAndMiasmas Tue 23-Jul-13 16:17:19

Look Lucy, he's making every excuse to see you and jumping at chances that are barely even there to see you as well. If I were a betting woman I would say that there's at least an 80% chance he's interested.

Out of interest, do you know how come he's never married/had children of his own?

MissStrawberry Tue 23-Jul-13 16:17:19

The advantage of doing it by text/email is you both can save face if he isn't looking for a relationship at the moment or doesn't want to risk your friendship.

Good luck!

bobbywash Tue 23-Jul-13 16:29:05

Some people give no signals at all, the only way to find out is to let him know how you feel.

Oh and OP stop running yourself down, about prettier and younger people than you. It's not whether you're beautiful in everyones eyes, but if the person you like thinks that you are that's all that counts.

If your self esteem is a bit battered and you don't feel up to a rejection what's the harm in waiting for awhile? In the meantime you could take advantage of birthdays etc., for a sneaky kiss or hug and see if it lasts a bit longer than it should.

You could also check out eye contact - its very hard not to look at someone you fancy so you either look a bit longer or look away completely because you think they'll know - people do a mixture of both I think as they are aware their feelings are not neutral and have to work at behaving 'naturally' (until they are more sure feelings are reciprocated).

If you don't fancy someone and you think they might fancy you then its more likely to constantly look away and try to avoid eye contact at all costs.

Im crying at the stories on this thread! Please text him OP! Life is too short for regrets!

LucyWildelovesGru Tue 23-Jul-13 16:59:39

Elephants, he was married years ago, but his first wife was unfaithful (even before the wedding, I think) and it didn't last more than a couple of years. Then he met a lovely woman, who we were all really fond of, but she was killed in a car accident a few years ago after they'd been together for about two years. I know he absolutely adored her, and was devastated when she died. I really liked her, though I didn't know her that well. I think that plays a part in my reluctance to speak up - she was beautiful, and very very sweet, and everyone adored her. I feel like I'm trying to live up to someone that I am never going to be able to compete with.

louisianablue2000 Tue 23-Jul-13 17:16:49

Just tell him. He obviously enjoys your company so please think better of yourself. As I always tell the DDs, people who love you will always think you are beautiful. Even when you're in your 90s.

Loving all the romantic stories on this thread.

ImperialBlether Tue 23-Jul-13 17:18:15

Do you know whether he writes in a similar vein to other female friends and whether he acts in the same way with them?

Personally I'd aim for a situation where he made the move, but that's because I think it would be horribly embarrassing if he didn't reciprocate.

magimedi Tue 23-Jul-13 17:21:16

Stop putting yourself down!!

Men can be odd about romance. He maybe really anxious about rejection after all he's been through. He may feel at 40 he's too old & you'd think he's silly.

You are going to have to do for it or spend a lot of time wondering: 'What if@

I would suggest saying something at dinner after the opera. Have a (& only a) glass of wine for courage & then maybe say how much you've enjoyed the evening & how much you enjoy his company, what a great friend he is & that you have come to realise that you feel even more than friendship for him.

I am marking my place but just wanted to say go for it..my dh is my best male friends twin, we knew each other a year and liked each other for most of that, he then moved into my shared house, so the potential for horrible awkwardness was huge! We relied on the time honoured use of alcohol to get us over the first hurdle, we have been together 6 years now and have 3 yr old dd. Couldn't be happier, just go for it, the awkwardness will go away if he isn't up for it, I know as I have had crushes on friends before that and nothing happening on their part, but I would have felt worse had I not tried, especially if I had missed out on what I have with dh. Good luck!

ElephantsAndMiasmas Tue 23-Jul-13 17:49:32

I would totally go for the eye contact thing whenever you meet though. Once you've got that weird lingering eye contact thing going, you can be much more sure, without having a word said. Plus if he does avoid your looks, you can guess that he's not interested in that side of things with you at the moment.

And listen, YOU are sweet and beautiful, and it sounds like your feelings for him are "proper", i.e. you care FOR him, rather than about having him for yourself. That's how it should be. smile

I'm not sure I'd agree with the "I had a dream" or "I have this friend who" approach as they're too ambiguous and may not move you forward. I myself lack the flirting gene and need a women to slap me round the face with a wet fish before I realise they're into me. Go for it and good luck.

lachrymavitis Tue 23-Jul-13 18:22:29

The only way you'll know is if you tell him. Don't play games or allude to it, just be upfront and tell him.
I agree with flummox - just be clear and grown-up or he may not have a clue what's going on. At the very least he will be flattered and impressed by your chutzpah
Be brave! Good luck!

makemineamalibuandpineapple Tue 23-Jul-13 21:35:42

It is always flattering to be told that someone fancies you so at the very least he will be flattered. Yes it will be mortifying if he doesn't feel the same and I know because it has happened to me but the feeling doesn't last long and if you are as good friends as you say you are then you will soon get back to normal. Hopefully though you will get the outcome you want and it will end all the wondering.

amotherincognito Mon 29-Jul-13 23:29:34

Have you told him yet??

I hope you've told him and got the outcome you wanted.

deleted203 Mon 29-Jul-13 23:44:50

I would speak to him honestly about this. I wouldn't announce I'd fallen desperately for him, but would keep it low key and say something along the lines of:-

* 'I know we get on great - but I do actually find you really attractive and wonder if you fancy moving our relationship onto a romantic level, rather than just friendship? I would like to try - but I don't want to lose your friendship if you don't feel the same. I just felt I had to let you know*.

Simple and to the point. (You just need to take a deep breath before you say it).

mittensthekitten Tue 30-Jul-13 00:09:41

How did it go at the weekend? I bet he loves you to bits. You sound great. smile

MortifiedAdams Tue 30-Jul-13 00:14:03

I've just comeacross this thread and hope you have told him!

FlorIxora Tue 30-Jul-13 00:22:49

Been lurking and I would love some news too.

He was in your situation, then when I became unattached, he asked me out. We'd know each other for yonks, I had never looked at him in "that" way. I said yes to going on a date with him. It was a great success.

Then to my great surprise, 18 months later I proposed to him. He's my best friend and we've been together just shy of 4 yrs and had known each other for 6 yrs.

I would ask him out "would you like to go on a date with me?". I'm not sure about great declaration of love when you're not sure what you're dealing with in terms of feelings. And definitely DO NOT get drunk and make a pass at him. (how would you feel if someone did that to you?)

ChippingInHopHopHop Tue 30-Jul-13 00:34:19

Right - I have just read your whole thread, now I need to know how it went this weekend grin

Apileofballyhoo Tue 30-Jul-13 00:39:10

Me too!

jynier Tue 30-Jul-13 01:40:55

This may seem odd advice but, if you can, listen to Sunday's Desert Island Discs when the guest was Mary Robinson (first female President of Ireland) and then find the Vince Cable programme in the archives. Both programmes give examples of genuine, deep and lasting love! Vince Cable wears two wedding rings.

Best wishes, OP!

readyforno2 Tue 30-Jul-13 01:58:20

Another one hoping for good news..

My dp was and still is, my best friend. 10 years down the line. Have to admit I was wasted when I told him (although I didn't actually tell him cause he kissed me mid sentence) but it was worth it.

I also agree what other posters have said about him being flattered either way.

Fingers crossed for you

FlatCapAndAWhippet Tue 30-Jul-13 07:30:16

Marking my ever so hopeful spot!

LucyWildelovesGru Tue 30-Jul-13 07:38:23

Hello everyone, it's lovely to know you're all on my side and cheering me on!

I'm sorry I've not got any real update - the weekend was a bit of a disaster for various reasons (dc in A&E with broken arm, car problems etc) so I was pretty distracted. We did see each other briefly, which was very pleasant, but totally neutral and not the right moment to say anything. I tried to read his body language but he certainly wasn't giving anything away. Not even slightly flirty, though there was eye contact. But then he was offering help with the car, and suggested the possibility of a trip to France together later this year to see a mutual friend (though just as I got really excited about this he then suggested another male friend of ours join us...).

So, I don't know. I suspect we are stuck in the friend zone. I know he is very fond of me and really likes my company. That's very clear. But I don't think he fancies me or I would have picked up something by now, surely.

To make matters worse, my boss has worked out what's going on (long story, small town, they know each other slightly through work and his name came up and I blushed way too much) and is now firmly of the view that I should just say something. He's like a dog with a bone and certainly won't let it go until I report back one way or the other - his comment was "for fucks sake Lucy, he's bound to want to get into your knickers at least, so what's the worst that can happen?" (This, I realise, is wildly inappropriate behaviour from one's employer but I've known him for years and we have a pretty good and honest relationship and he has plenty of other redeeming features...). He then went on to say that he doesn't think men spend much time at all thinking about this stuff and that they certainly don't tie themselves in knots about it - that it's probably a case of "yes, Lucy is great, she is definitely someone I would like to spend more time with, oh look, a football match is on..." and that I should stop trying so hard to read something into his texts, or the absence of texts, or the way he looks or what he says.

I still haven't told anyone in real life apart from my sister (and my boss!) so it's good to know there is somewhere I can come to obsess over the details. My sister doesn't know him well but she did say that although he obviously likes me as a friend, he's had plenty of opportunities to make it something more and hasn't yet so she doesn't think he is interested. On the other hand, she's been divorced twice after making spectacularly stupid choices and is notorious in the family for her blunt and often wide of the mark assessments of people (I love her to bits but she is bonkers!)

He's going away with work for a few days and then I am away for a few days over the weekend and early next week but we did make a tentative plan for dinner in the next couple of weeks (I suggested it, he said "that would be lovely" - I will sort it out when I get back) so I will take all your advice on board and go for it. Eeek.

I will say something, I promise! I owe it to Mumsnet to give you an update so you can share my pain and cheer me up when he turns me down.

LucyWildelovesGru Tue 30-Jul-13 07:40:20

And sowornout, when I do say something I will be using your words which I have committed to memory. I can't believe I'm 44 and feeling like I'm 14!

DoveDovePigeon Tue 30-Jul-13 07:40:21

Just get him somewhere on his own and say " do you think you and I could ever been more than friends?" Nerve wracking, but unambiguous and you will know one way or another.

Twinklestein Tue 30-Jul-13 13:32:52

I'm not a big believer in the friends' zone as two of my ex bfs before I married were originally friends & went back to friends after the relationship.

While I urged caution as you've been hurt before, the situation is ambiguous as ever, and there doesn't seem any other way but to be straight.

On the one hand he may not be interested, on the other he may be potentially interested in any of his female friends and is up for the one who makes the first move.

I agree with Dovedovepigeon's line - it's the most neutral way possible of saying it.

thistlelicker Tue 30-Jul-13 13:50:22

Time will tell :-)

deleted203 Tue 30-Jul-13 21:14:56

Good luck, Lucy! The pair of you sound lovely. Sorry to hear about dcs broken arm and the hellish weekend, and I suspect your boss is right.

Men don't obsess about 'the meaning' of texts, etc. He clearly likes spending time with you, and quite possibly it either simply hasn't dawned on him that there might be anything else on offer (ooh-er Matron) or he is also keen on the idea and dithering over whether/how to bring it up without looking like a bit of a letch.

Deep breaths, girl! Then go for it!

crazyhead Tue 30-Jul-13 21:29:29

I got together with my friend - pg with ds2 at the moment - and honestly, it's made us both so happy. But I'd say it was always a 'friendship' in slightly inverted commas, it had something at the heart of it that was more than that. Love, yes - but that binding sexual attraction that you also need was there. I think that is the biggest question with a friend - working out if that element is present.

Do you drink? I don't want to sound like a total lush but I just happen to think booze can be your friend in these circs.

Because I have to admit that our relationship started with quite a lot of slightly drunk snogs - basically moving from friend to lover was a huge shift and actually made us both extremely bashful initially.

cloudskitchen Tue 30-Jul-13 21:54:11

I have just found and read this thread pretty much entirely in one go although I admit scrolling a bit at the end to see if there was any news. Are you really going to make me wait two whole weeks for the next installment? oh hang on, its not about me is it wink

I really hope things work out for you. You both sound like lovely people that are made for each other. sorry to hear about your ds's arm. Poor thing. On the subject of France. I wonder if he suggested inviting another friend because he felt maybe he'd exposed his feelings by suggesting the trip in the first place. Just a thought...

MadameGazelleIsMyMum Tue 30-Jul-13 22:06:58

Good luck OP - definitely go for it !

hellymelly Tue 30-Jul-13 22:24:02

I think he does like you too, but anyway I am all for just asking him out. I waited a couple of weeks after meeting DH, and he hadn't called me, and I was so fed up with myself, jumping whenever the 'phone rang , that I called him. It is scary beforehand, but actually being frank and honest makes one feel powerful and brave, and is always worth it. Even if I'd been turned down, it is far better to know. I would just kiss him, or say, "can we go to the opera as a proper date then?" with a big smile. I am rooting for you OP! Be brave!

MadeMan Tue 30-Jul-13 22:24:35

"Men don't obsess about 'the meaning' of texts, etc..."

Perhaps not all men but certainly some will. For example, a jealous type boyfriend/husband that recieves a text from his partner saying that she's met up with an old school chum named Roger and they're going for a quick drink to catch up on old times. That might start the old brain into overdrive. wink

I think the embarrassing boss may be a great help in the long run.
<crosses fingers>
<sends encouraging vibes>

deleted203 Tue 30-Jul-13 22:55:35

wink I'd be highly suspicious of anyone going out for a quickie with 'Roger' MadeMan...

I really meant that (some) women phone saying, 'OMG - he only put ONE x at the end of his text! Do you think that means he's going to dump me?' etc.

Men don't generally desperately look for hints/deep insights/hidden meanings in texts. Or conversations...

Call a spade a bloody shovel is my motto! Better to be clear and unambiguous.

cerealqueen Tue 30-Jul-13 23:08:44

I would say something as you will always wonder if you don't.
I had a thing for somebody, we emailed everyday, were very very close, but he had a girlfriend, who never talked about. I told him I had to distance myself from the friendship as I was worried I might be developing feelings for him. He didn't feel the same way BUT I said it, was well proud of myself for doing it (usually dreadful at this stuff). I missed him like crazy but I knew I had to deal with it or I'd never meet anybody else as I'd always be thinking of him.

I'd say go for it too.

Just because you aren't getting any obvious signals, it doesn't mean that nothing will happen or that his feelings can't change. It may be that you need to tell him how you feel before he experiences what you experienced after the wedding.

DH and I were a bit like that. We got on very well but it wasn't until he showed his hand with a Valentine's card (shame it isn't February now OPwink) that I began to see him differently. Actually it took 6 months before we properly got together after that so don't even expect instant hearts and flowers. It could be that the best you can do for now is plant a seed and see where it goes in a few months. We actually worked together (he was my boss!!) so we were forced to have contact after the card which made us behave in a grown up way but still made sure I couldn't run screaming for the hills. After the initial embarrassment on both sides we went back to our normal relationship quite quickly and then things grew from there.

On the other hand, suggesting a break in France and then suggesting that another friend go with you? I am not entirely sure that he isn't testing you out so see how you reacted. I hope you were suitably excited at the prospect of going with him on the visit and then ever so slightly downcast at the mention of taking somebody else. smile

LucyWildelovesGru Wed 31-Jul-13 00:07:33

I just had an email from him. Really no reason for it other than to say he hopes we have a good long weekend away. So very much a non-functional email.

And I, emboldened by this, emailed him back to say thank you and what about dinner one night next week. If he says yes, I will drink just enough and flirt wildly.

So I will of course keep you all updated. Because you are now all in this with me and can share in my delight or disappointment...

GoodMorningMoon Wed 31-Jul-13 00:09:13

Hello OP,

Just came across this thread and wanted to offer more words/a story of encouragement! This past weekend DH and I attended a wedding of two friends who had known each other for years, he always had a thing for her, she for him, and didn't say a word until about 3 years ago! They are very happy, obviously, but what really stuck with me was what the groom said in his speech to her;

the best part about being married to you is that after all the craziness and this party, you will still be my best friend.

This applies to your circ, I'd think! You're best friends, and in a good friendship, drama can be overcome. After all, the worst thing you're telling him is you love him. That's hardly a terrible thing! smile

Good luck!

deleted203 Wed 31-Jul-13 00:18:06

Yay! Good for you, Lucy. Definitely keep us updated! (I am 46 and living vicariously).

GoodMorningMoon Wed 31-Jul-13 00:32:51

X-post!

Go Lucy! smile flowers

LucyWildelovesGru Wed 31-Jul-13 00:43:13

He just replied! Saying yes please to dinner and he will
call when he gets back to fix a day. I will, of course, report back...

Yay! He who dares wins and all that. grin

And how long were you sat at your computer pressing refresh before that came through? wink

Have a lovely dinner. I reckon the feeling is mutual but one of you is going to have to be brave and make the first move........

whethergirl Wed 31-Jul-13 01:37:32

Oooh just read through this thread, I'm really excited for you Lucy!

Well he seems to make be making a lot of effort with you, I think he is definitely considering it but, like you, probably hesitating because he doesn't want to spoil the friendship? A big wild guess obviously, but that's the feeling I get having read all your posts.

Good luck!!

ricecakesrule Wed 31-Jul-13 06:42:18

Read the whole thread and can't believe I'm going to have to wait for both of your trips away before another update! Wish you the best of luck, such a lovely romantic story (hopefully!).

ricecakesrule Wed 31-Jul-13 06:48:47

Sorry just seen the email updates, exciting stuff! Have a lovely dinner and (more importantly) update us afterwards!grin

OutOfCigarettes Wed 31-Jul-13 07:42:58

Ooh marking my place for updates grin

I hope dinner goes well for you smile

rek999 Wed 31-Jul-13 23:06:00

Good luck!

ChippingInHopHopHop Wed 31-Jul-13 23:52:53

Arghhhhhhhhh - it's like watching snails courting grin

At least with a good book you can skim read very quickly.

Impatient much??

I hope you do it soon though, it's hard getting everything done with my fingers crossed!!

wink

TheYoniWayIsUp Thu 01-Aug-13 00:19:59

Marking place for updates! Good luck Lucy!

FrogmellaMoonbeam Thu 01-Aug-13 08:29:27

Just read the thread through from start to finish, can't believe I'm going to have to wait for an update [grin. I really hope it all works out for you, I'm another one living vicariously through you and your life xXx

vitaminC Thu 01-Aug-13 10:04:48

Ooooh. It all sounds very promising!

I think I wrote an almost identical post in April last year. 12 months later we were married and neither of us has ever been happier smile

I told him by e-mail in the end. It actually took two mails because I wasn't direct enough at first.

Good luck! Can't wait for your updates...

LucyWildelovesGru Thu 01-Aug-13 11:41:47

Thanks every

skyeskyeskye Thu 01-Aug-13 11:44:16

shamelessly marking place now

LucyWildelovesGru Thu 01-Aug-13 11:45:01

Whoops...thanks everyone! I really hope I don't let you all down - whether because he's not actually interested or I don't have the courage to say anything.

vitaminC, you've got to give details!! What did you say in the email? I can't imagine what I'd say in an email that wouldn't sound awkward and really crass (and I write professionally, which doesn't say much for my abilities!). Plus if (when) he says no, I'd like to be able to have an honest conversation about our friendship in the future which would be harder by email.

I could live with being friends, but I'd like to have the green light to be friends without having this hanging over me. I wouldn't want to see less of him (maybe at first!) but we'd need to reset the terms of our relationship.

It will be excruciating either way and he will hate it. He's incredibly British, and doesn't do emotions. His girlfriend told me once that she had to lay it out for him as a series of options when they started going out - "if you like me, text me when you get home and suggest another date. If you don't like me, tell me now".

ricecakesrule Thu 01-Aug-13 14:09:20

Please can I request that when he calls to arrange dinner, you choose the closest available day?! Can't bear the suspense! wink

vivatregina Thu 01-Aug-13 14:23:23

Lucy are you The Plankton who writes for The Times????

LucyWildelovesGru Thu 01-Aug-13 14:54:18

No, sorry to disappoint you! I like to think I am considerably more positive about things than she is (plus I have far fewer dates - she is always meeting men)...

impatienttobemummy Thu 01-Aug-13 15:20:37

Good luck and marking place for update!

mirai Thu 01-Aug-13 15:22:12

The bit about what his girlfriend said is interesting. I think he's interested but hasn't a clue how to make the fort move so is hoping you will!

SugarPasteGreyhound Thu 01-Aug-13 19:15:18

Another one saying go for it.

DH and I were close friends from our teens. Finally realised there was something more there and we ended up together. That was 11 years ago, married for 8. The shared history and friendship adds another dimension to the relationship.

cloudskitchen Thu 01-Aug-13 20:51:18

whatever the outcome Lucy we are all rooting for you and will be here to support you. Obviously hoping you get everything you wish for x

Ooh that sounds like he needs a shove doesn't it ? I suggest that you need to make it clear when you arrange the date that it is a 'date' and not just dinner ?

Bold but necessary I think in this guys case

Good luck !!

DelayedActionMouseMaker Fri 02-Aug-13 07:34:01

You need to go for it, and do it soon. What happens if he meets someone else this weekend in a bar or pub whilst you are dithering? This is what happened to me and I often think what might have been had I had more guts and just come out with it. As It was I had to sit on the sidelines and watch him fall for someone else.

Carpe diem

KoalaFace Fri 02-Aug-13 07:43:11

This is very exciting! I know quite a few couples who were mates for ages and then got together. I think it makes for a nice groundwork for a relationship.

I think as long as you don't come on too strong, whatever happens your friendship can stay intact.

Eeek! Good luck!

cleoowen Mon 05-Aug-13 13:42:48

What happened op?

JessicaBeatriceFletcher Mon 05-Aug-13 13:48:47

I think in these sorts of situations, it is very often the woman who needs to give the guy a huge shove and make it obvious. Hints won't do it. I know a couple of very close make-female friendships where EVERYONE thinks they should be a couple and it just hasn't happened. I can think of one immediately where they are best friends, spend a lot of time together, people who meet them for the first time assume they are a couple and they are so perfect for each other. They were both coupled when they met, one has now been single 6 years the other 3. Nothing has happened.

Now, it may be that there really is nothing there, but most of us are sure there is. But neither want to risk what, for them, is the most important friendship. I think he might have said something before now, but he knows that another of her male friends once asked her out and she went ballistic, said he'd ruined their friendship and never wanted anything to do with him again. So I don't think he would take the risk unless he was 100% certain she definitely felt the same.

Have to say, some of the best and happiest relationships I know have come out of two good friends suddenly realising the perfect person was in front of them. From reading your situation, I feel certain your guy is like the guy I know. As long as he is given a proper green light, I think it's going to work out exactly as you want it to.

LucyWildelovesGru Mon 05-Aug-13 17:08:51

Jessica, that's obviously what I'm hoping. I am really not sure whether or not he is interested, but the more I think about it the more I am convinced that I will never know if I leave things as they are. Neither one of us is capable of flirting, we are both quite private people (apart from my over-sharing with MN!) and we are both fairly risk averse.

We overlapped at a friend's birthday party briefly on Friday night - I had an email from him beforehand saying he was going to be back from his trip and that he would see me then. It was only for half an hour or so, but he had definitely waited for me to arrive before leaving as he apparently asked my friend what time she was expecting me to get there. We had a very detailed chat about my ongoing problems with my car, and then said a friendly goodbye. There were plenty of other people around so it was all very neutral - can't say I picked up any strong signals from him suggesting he was desperate to get me alone and confess his undying love.

So anyway, I have concluded that I can't keep going over and over it in my head, and I just have to come out and ask him otherwise I may either go mad or die waiting for him to say something. So...[drumroll for the benefit of the MN posse] I am going out for a drink with him on Sunday night. Where I will have just enough to drink that my inhibitions are relaxed, and where I will broach the subject in a light but direct way, making it very clear that I don't want to stop being friends. I will obviously now have to devote way to much time and effort into planning the perfect relaxed-but-gorgeous outfit, and what I am going to say, when I really should be working. And then come back and weep and wail to you all when he turns me down...

On the upside, this has made me realise that I am finally ready for a relationship after years of being convinced I wasn't. So if nothing comes of this, I have promised myself that I will get out there and get online and see what happens, once I have got over the disappointment.

IslaValargeone Mon 05-Aug-13 17:20:18

Sunday! Dear lord this will be a long week for us all grin

HotDAMNlifeisgood Mon 05-Aug-13 17:22:19

Brilliant plan, Lucy, and so glad to hear that you feel ready and are going to seek a relationship, whether it's with ShyFriendWhoTotallyLikesYou, or someone else.

I'm sure you will look gorgeous.

NatashaBee Mon 05-Aug-13 17:29:02

I think the fact he waited around to see you is a good sign. Not exactly shouting 'undying love', but I don't think most men would make that effort with someone they only saw as a friend.

hellymelly Mon 05-Aug-13 17:34:11

<tapping fingers anxiously on desk> How can we wait until SUNDAY? I can't stand the suspense. My money is on a big fat yes from him!

ImperialBlether Mon 05-Aug-13 17:39:52

Am I the only one who shouted, "Sunday?"

IslaValargeone Mon 05-Aug-13 17:40:37

No

magimedi Mon 05-Aug-13 17:43:01

SUNDAY??

How can we wait so long? grin.

Elsiequadrille Mon 05-Aug-13 17:47:44

Good luck!

awwww.
I'm another one who married my best friend.

We'd known each other 20 years as best friends - I was his bridesmaid at his first wedding, he was my witness at my first wedding.

We'd actually fallen for each other at first sight but then he was 'warned off' a bit by a friend of his who fancied me who then set him up with my bff.

His marriage ended about a year before mine.

It was about 4 months of gradually realising I was flirting with him before I was persuaded to say something to him.

I was terrified. I got quite drunk and eventually blurted out 'so are we ever going to get together then or what' (am SUCH a romantic)

he said, 'yes' just like that. Like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

We celebrated our 2 wedding anniversary last week and I've honestly never been happier. Go for it, you will never know unless you try.

MissStrawberry Mon 05-Aug-13 18:12:31

No, me too grin. I read Sunday and immediately checked the date!

5 sleeps to go.....

Sunday!
(Marks place)
grin

KoalaFace Mon 05-Aug-13 20:26:35

Waiting to see you is a good sign I think!

Good luck for Sunday!

Any outfit ideas?

cloudskitchen Mon 05-Aug-13 20:41:03

Good luck grin

windywoo26 Mon 05-Aug-13 20:43:33

Good luck x

ThreeGoMad Mon 05-Aug-13 21:09:45

Can't you just say something like "have you ever thought about the two of us getting together?" and see how it goes from there. Gives him the chance to let you down gently if you approach it as just talking hypothetically smile

Toomuch2young Mon 05-Aug-13 21:13:57

Ooooh exciting thread! Wishing you all the best for Sunday grin

Ahhhcrap Mon 05-Aug-13 21:14:05

Shamelessly marking my spot smile

themidwife Mon 05-Aug-13 21:18:42

Have lurked for ages. Now being very impatiently nosy! What happened?!!!!! grin

themidwife Mon 05-Aug-13 21:19:03

Or is it next Sunday?

Locketjuice Mon 05-Aug-13 21:22:13

Marking my spot smile

NotConnie Mon 05-Aug-13 21:29:28

I too have lurked for ages and am so impatient!
Good luck Lucy smile

ooooho oooh

when is dinner?

LucyWildelovesGru Mon 05-Aug-13 21:33:29

Right, you all have to calm down! We couldn't get together before Sunday - his father isn't very well and he's going to visit him over the weekend.

You're winding me up into a state of high excitement, and I need to get through the rest of this week without going mad. You've all convinced me that I need to do this and that the answer is likely to be yes, but I really don't know that it will be.

First, there's a better than average chance this will go nowhere and I can't bear the idea of you all being terribly disappointed. That might be harder than managing my own disappointment...so deep breaths people, we need some measure of realism here. He's had plenty of chances over the last couple of years to make a move, although I probably would have dropped dead of shock if he had, given that I've only just decided that I am interested in him. The chances of us both feeling the same way at the same time are small, and I suspect the answer will be a gentle let down.

Second, none of you know me - I'm rubbish at things like this. I've never once managed to say exactly what I think in tricky situations. I usually end up fudging it, so there's a good chance I will be so oblique that he doesn't have the first clue what I'm talking about. Or I will make a complete fool of myself, get my words muddled up, spill wine down myself and run away. I am well known for making inappropriate jokes when I get nervous and I am incredibly clumsy when stressed.

Third, I've just had a disastrous haircut [wail]. I went to my usual hairdresser but he was on holiday and I don't know what his stand-in did but it's really not looking good...it was meant to be all glossy and bouncy and curly and it just looks a bit limp and sad with weird layers everywhere. I can still tie it back, which is a good thing, but it's not the most auspicious of starts to Project-Look-Amazing.

Fourth, I've got nothing to wear! I usually wear jeans and t-shirts, or suits for work, and clearly none of this will do. Although as he's only ever seen me in jeans and t-shirts/suits/wedding attire perhaps I shouldn't alarm him too much at the start by looking too different to usual.

Fifth, my sister was meant to be babysitting on Sunday and she's just texted to say she's got a date...which is ironic. I didn't tell her where I was going, nor do I plan to after she dismissed me out of hand when I made the mistake of telling her how I felt about him, so I'm going to have to come up with a plan B. Which will probably involve sending the dcs to my dad and stepmum, who will give me the third degree about where I'm going (she is convinced that I should be married again with three more children by this stage post divorce).

On the plus side, I'm too nervous to eat much. With luck, I'll have dropped a dress size by Sunday and will at least have relative slenderness on my side, even if I am a frizzy haired, clumsy, badly dressed ball of nerves...

WeelyBadMum Mon 05-Aug-13 21:36:02

Noooo.....another one who's just found this, read it all and is now hanging on for any update - best of luck OP smileenvy

Loopytiles Mon 05-Aug-13 21:40:07

Hi, have been lurking and crossing fingers for you! lots going on in your head.

You don't need to worry about disappointing MNetters! Whatever the outcome, we admire you for even considering telling him how you feel!

Maybe you could get or borrow a nice top or something? Sorry you don't like your hair, curses to the hairdresser!

skyeskyeskye Mon 05-Aug-13 21:44:26

grin at your last post Lucy. You are right, we don't want to wind you up too much before the date.

I'm sure you will be fine.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Mon 05-Aug-13 21:49:54

Ooh, this thread is so exciting! Similar to you OP, but after years of being single I've recently met someone I hugely have the hots for. Unfortunately he's 12 years younger than me so it won't go anywhere. Keeping my fingers crossed for you, though!

UterusUterusGhali Mon 05-Aug-13 22:00:09

<<bites fingernails>>

makingdoo Mon 05-Aug-13 22:05:37

I can't wait until Sunday after reading all that!!!!

OP you need a killer dress. He needs to know that this is a little different than your normal friendly meet ups!

Good luck!

LucyWildelovesGru Mon 05-Aug-13 22:11:29

Even if I owned a killer dress, I'd feel stupid in it. And I'd have to wear heels which would be a disaster. We're going to the pub in the village - I can't dress up for that.

Oh crap...writing that I've just realised that my common sense must have deserted me entirely when we made plans. I can't go to the village pub. Last time I was there my elderly neighbour pulled up a chair and gave me an update on his bladder problems and my dd's teacher spent twenty minutes trying to sell me a raffle ticket. Time to relocate I think...

BoreOfWhabylon Mon 05-Aug-13 22:15:53

I have only just discovered this thread. Now can't wait for Sunday!

Twinklestein Mon 05-Aug-13 22:18:20

I do think it's unfair of people on here to egg you on, although they're doing it with the best intentions, because I've done that with friends & it kind of makes it harder if it falls through.

I'm on the fence as he's given nothing away that is definitive. However, you are in a position where you have to say something because other methods haven't worked.

That aside, personally my answer to the clothing question is a great summer dress, casual but sexy... maybe a wrap or a tea dress... I find wearing espadrille wedges always make things look more relaxed...

magimedi Mon 05-Aug-13 22:22:43

1. Relocate to a pub that is not yr local.

2. Wear something that you have worn before & feel good and comfy
in.

3. He will not notice your hair - blokes never do.

4. Yes, there is a chance it will go nowhere - but nothing ventured.....

5. Update us late on Sunday evening - if you don't we will all be
imagining you in "THE CLINCH"! grin

6. Don't post here again or read here again (after my great advice) &
don't think about it.

7. GOOD LUCK!! flowers

Catmint Mon 05-Aug-13 22:24:55

Wear something you feel comfortable in, and be recognisably 'you'.

If you totally change your style, you will feel even less at ease.

If he likes you 'like that', he already likes you in jeans & a tshirt.

I really admire you, OP, hope you have a good time.

Delurking to say good luck! I hope it all goes well for you.

From what you have said he sounds like a kind, decent man so if for some ridiculous reason your feelings aren't reciprocated then I don't think it will ruin your friendship.

I married my best friend by the way. He always knew apparently! It took me a good few years and some crap relationships to figure it out. grin

DeeLighted Mon 05-Aug-13 22:29:42

Ooh good luck Lucy!!!

Great thread. Good luck smile

ChasedByBees Mon 05-Aug-13 23:04:50

Oh lovely! I think him waiting at the party is a good sign. Is his name Gru?

TSSDNCOP Mon 05-Aug-13 23:24:21

I heart Gru.

Good luck Lucy unless he is Gru in which case he will decline you as he is mine

readyforno2 Tue 06-Aug-13 00:33:54

Can't believe we need to wait till next week!
Good luck Lucy

thistlelicker Tue 06-Aug-13 00:46:51

Yey to a date!!!! Meh to Sunday tho!!! Just keep emailing and texting casually:-)

Ireallymustbemad Tue 06-Aug-13 01:03:01

Only just seen this too, I hope it goes well smile

evelynj Tue 06-Aug-13 04:47:22

Oh God, I feel 15 again reading this & am so nervous & excited to see what happens.

When is dinner please so the whole of MN can send positive vibes?

Cerisier Tue 06-Aug-13 04:58:11

Good luck Lucy, hope all goes well and feelings are reciprocated (it certainly sounds promising!)

ToomuchIsBackOnBootcamp Tue 06-Aug-13 10:00:51

So glad I'm not the only one who read through this while thread only to bellow "^Sunday^??!! She was supposed to be having dinner with him this week!! Sunday is too long to wait!"

But all best wishes Lucy and agree, be yourself, dress your way, after all it's the real you that he (hopefully) has feelings for.

ToomuchIsBackOnBootcamp Tue 06-Aug-13 10:01:27

sunday italic fail!

Elsiequadrille Tue 06-Aug-13 10:14:53

You are right to be a little cautious. You must be so nervous, I can't imagine how nervous I would be if I ever fell in love with my oldest and best male friend, changing the status quo and all that. I genuinely think we would be able to move on and continue the friendship if things didn't go according to plan, however, and I'm sure you want to remain such great friends whatever the outcome.

50shadesofknackered Tue 06-Aug-13 10:17:19

I've just read this thread and nearly cried, cried I tell you, when I read that I'd have to wait until Sunday! SUNDAY!!!
Op, i don't think a man that wasn't interested in you wouldn't be so eager to see you, email you out of the blue or wait for you to get to a party just so he could see you before he went home. Good luck.

Supertrooper88 Tue 06-Aug-13 10:29:15

I have only just found this and I would be just like you in this situation.

I really do wish you all the guts you need to say something that may at least get his man brain into thinking along the same lines of possibility (if he isnt already).

Good luck Lucy and now I will be glued to this thread for any progress!!!

iloveweetos Tue 06-Aug-13 10:36:01

Cant wait til Sunday! Have fun!!! xx

noobieteacher Tue 06-Aug-13 10:44:07

Damn. Must check whether they have internet on my Eastern European campsite for Sunday.

Mum2toomany Tue 06-Aug-13 11:01:39

Marking

Snapespeare Tue 06-Aug-13 11:23:53

De lurking to wish you the very best of luck. smile hurry up Sunday!!

everythinghippie29 Tue 06-Aug-13 14:28:03

Also shamelessly marking my place! Good Luck OP!

Catmint Tue 06-Aug-13 20:30:14

Can I just say I am glad I'm not the only one who finds Gru strangely attractive...grin

TSSDNCOP Tue 06-Aug-13 20:56:02

Back off Catnip angry

spacegirl81 Tue 06-Aug-13 22:16:52

Shameless marking grin good luck OP grin

MadeMan Tue 06-Aug-13 22:29:02

magimedi - "3. He will not notice your hair - blokes never do."

Most of the time we probably do notice, but it always seems a bit naff to let you women know that we've noticed. Plus, some women change their hair all the time and surely it would get annoying if men were always noticing and telling you. Well, that's my excuse anyway. wink

FrankSpenser Tue 06-Aug-13 22:33:01

Humph. Tis like the countdown to Christmas. It's only Tuesday!!

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Tue 06-Aug-13 22:56:34

Good luck Lucy - I know you don't want us to get over-excited, but this is very promising!

DH and I were friends for 3 or 4 years before we got together. I'd split up with my ex and we found ourselves hanging out more and more. One day we were at the pub with friends and were finishing each other's sentences and basically just totally being on each other's wave length, when he whipped off a ring he used to wear with a flourish, and joke proposed to me. A couple of months later after an impromptu alcohol-feuled raucous dinner together, we ended up back at his house. We've been together nearly 10 years, married 6, and with two DC.

And the bottom line is that whenever we go through tough times, it's our friendship and our genuine liking (not just loving) of each other that gets us through.

I have my fingers crossed for you. smile

readyforno2 Sun 11-Aug-13 14:41:19

Good luck for tonight op!

kalidanger Sun 11-Aug-13 17:07:26

Shamelessly marking place too wine

magimedi Sun 11-Aug-13 17:11:55

Oh I hope it all goes well.

And that you update as soon as you can!

DameFanny Sun 11-Aug-13 17:20:46

Ooh I'm glad I didn't open this thread til today. Good luck for tonight...

coffeewineandchocolate Sun 11-Aug-13 17:26:06

good luck OP!

MexicanHat Sun 11-Aug-13 18:08:23

Another shameless place marking!! Have fun OP smile

TheFantasticFixit Sun 11-Aug-13 18:24:24

Another wishing you all the best! Watch the Dutch courage though bitter memories and most of all ave a lovely night. You sound really lovely thankswine

VileWoman Sun 11-Aug-13 18:40:57

Good luck for tonight!

Amiee Sun 11-Aug-13 18:46:37

I think you know he likes you. IMO you always know deep down if its reciprocated.
Tell a mutual friend with a big mouth that you like him.

rosieposey Sun 11-Aug-13 18:54:21

Shameless marking also ...

ChristineDaae Sun 11-Aug-13 18:55:07

Iv just found this and dying to know what happens tonight!

LucyWildelovesGru Sun 11-Aug-13 18:59:47

Disaster! ds2 has developed a high temperature and is vomiting everywhere and is looking very sad. I had asked one of the village teenagers to babysit, but I can't leave him with her as he's being really clingy and I'm quite worried about him.

I've just sent him a text to say sorry, and can we please rearrange. He's replied very nicely saying yes of course, and why don't I let him know some other possible dates. But this week isn't going to work as there are various child- and work-related commitments and then we are going on holiday at the weekend for two weeks.

I feel like crying. I was all ready for this, and even I hadn't ultimately had the courage to say anything tonight, I did think it would be a good opportunity to see how we interacted. This can't exactly help my cause in the long term - it does rather remind him of the downside of dating women with children.

Do you think I could email him? I sort of dismissed that option a while ago, because I thought it would make it seem like more of a big deal than I want it to, and because I couldn't work out what to say, whereas face to face I could read his reaction and play it down if necessary, but I feel like I was all ready to move things forward a bit and now I've been thwarted. If I have to wait three weeks

This is not good. I'm going to open a bottle of wine and mope around the house sullenly for a while. Sorry everyone. You're going to have to put up with the agony of waiting for a while yet.

LucyWildelovesGru Sun 11-Aug-13 19:01:17

See, I can't even finish my sentences properly, I'm so disappointed. I was going to say that if I have to wait three weeks I think I will go mad.

BIWI Sun 11-Aug-13 19:02:43

Why don't you explain what's happened, and ask him if he wants to come round for a takeaway and a bottle of wine instead?

BIWI Sun 11-Aug-13 19:03:09

Then you can jump him on your home turf

LucyWildelovesGru Sun 11-Aug-13 19:04:47

I can't, ds2 is going to be up all night and he's really not well. I'm going to spending the evening cleaning up sick and mopping his brow. I can't think of anything less conducive to a heart to heart (or more likely to put him off entirely - ds2 is a dreadful invalid and won't be left when he is like this)

StraightJacket Sun 11-Aug-13 19:05:54

Shamelessly marking my spot also...

Good luck :D

SoftKittyWarmKitty Sun 11-Aug-13 19:07:17

What about the takeaway idea later in the week, then, when he's better?

Elsiequadrille Sun 11-Aug-13 19:17:29

You could email him, I suppose. I don't know how you'd phrase it exactly. I do agree that face to face would be easy to play down if didn't go according to plan.

Horsemad Sun 11-Aug-13 19:19:56

OP, just email him & put us out of our misery...
DC have a terrible knack of being ill at inopportune times, so this may drag on & on if you don't take charge of the situation.

stopusingmynicknames Sun 11-Aug-13 19:21:12

delurking to say how i'm sharing your disappointment! But kitty has a good idea - takeaway at home later in the week?

NatashaBee Sun 11-Aug-13 19:24:35

You can't keep us all waiting 3 weeks! Email him!

BIWI Sun 11-Aug-13 19:25:30

I'd e-mail, tbh.

"Hi xxx

I'm so sorry I had to cancel tonight. I was really looking forward to it, because I needed to talk to you. I have come to realise that I really value our friendship and that you mean more to me than just a friend.

I can only hope that you feel the same.

with love

LucyWilde"
xx

Elsiequadrille Sun 11-Aug-13 19:30:36

Yes, that sounds good. Perhaps make it more ambigous and say you're confused about your feelings for him and think he 'may' mean more to you than a friend.

blush Sorry, I'm no good at this.

kalidanger Sun 11-Aug-13 19:31:46

Test him Lucy If he can handle getting tiddly and changing the warm soapy water while you mop up spew then he's 100% up for it.

BIWI Sun 11-Aug-13 19:42:12

I wouldn't be ambiguous, tbh - men don't take hints! I'd be direct.

BIWI's email is good, send him that

magimedi Sun 11-Aug-13 19:47:46

I also second BIWI's e-mail.

He may well be feeling as fed up as you are.

WOman up & do it!

themidwife Sun 11-Aug-13 20:14:13

Yes send it! What do you have to lose?!! Ok if he doesn't feel the same it'll be a bit awkward but otherwise you could go on like this forever! Good luck!

Iamnormalish Sun 11-Aug-13 20:23:28

Personally I wouldnt email. Its not what you wanted to do in the first place and it cant be undone or down played the same way as a conversation.

I am as desperate as everyone else (been lurking) for you to get it on with this man but its your real life. You will need to come back and face hoim after your 2 weeks holiday and if he does not respond you will be frustrated and spend your holiday going over and over. If he declines - you will spend your 2 weeks building upto "OMG how can I face him in real life again".

Be patient.

Ask him around later in the week for a takeway/meal and take it from there.

Thats just my opinion.

StraightJacket Sun 11-Aug-13 20:47:04

Oh no, I hadn't saw your reply earlier. So sorry to hear you have had to cancel sad

Definitely takeaway at some point this week. Don't put it off for 3 weeks otherwise you will go barmy.

MissStrawberry Sun 11-Aug-13 20:59:29

Oh no sad.

I hope your little one is soon better.

Maybe chat to him by text in between cleaning up and giving cuddles.

just seen this and marking my place grin

WaitingForMe Sun 11-Aug-13 21:21:03

I'd send that email. In fact I sent one similar five years ago. I'm another person married to her best friend and I'm certain if DH hadn't felt the same he'd have been kind. And this man sounds kind as well. Good luck whatever you do OP.

LucyWildelovesGru Sun 11-Aug-13 21:55:11

You are right, Iamnormalish. I'd love to give my MN supporters and cheerleaders a quick and neat denouement but the truth is I have to live with the decision and not fuck this up.

I worry that anything I write in an email (and I've composed about ten in my head while wiping up puke today) will be way too black and white, and there will be no going back. Face to face we can talk it through and (I hope) work out the terms of being friends if he doesn't feel the same way.

I'm just going to have to live with my own neuroses for the next few weeks (really, meeting up this week is out of the question - I've got a work conference for the next three days, then dd's birthday party, then we are going on holiday). It's not going to make a difference - if he likes me then he's not going to be going anywhere and if he does find someone else then he wasn't ever that into me.

I'm scared of being rejected but I'm also scared of losing something that might be great. So I've downloaded Brene Brown's book about vulnerability (Daring Greatly) which I hope might encourage me to brave when we do meet - her TED talk is amazing (please watch it if you haven't seen it) and made me cry when I watched it. I've never in my life told anyone how I really feel, not even my wank badger of an ex husband. I'm absolutely determined that isn't going to happen this time.

So, you will have an answer one way or another, but I can't promise it will happen quickly. But I promise I will update you. You're all amazing, I wish I knew you all in RL (though would obviously have to think of a way to make sure you didn't associate any of this with me...)

cloudskitchen Mon 12-Aug-13 00:33:49

Another one that thinks don't email but talk face to face. Best of luck when the time is right. Hope your dc feels better soon. Happy holidays.

Turniphead1 Mon 12-Aug-13 00:58:36

Good luck Lucy. Hope your DS is feeling much better and you have a great holiday.

evelynj Mon 12-Aug-13 06:17:01

Take him on holiday with you!

Sorry you had to postpone but agree it's your RL & shouldn't be rushed-sounds like a great idea to read that stuff-when you do eventually tell him you will feel so liberated either way.

Hope y manage to enjoy your hols anyway-please book him in ASAP when you return!

aww love sorry it didn't work out last night and I do hope DS is better this morning.

If it's going to be, it will be just as good in three weeks time.

Good luck with all your other stuff, hope you have a great holiday

practicality Mon 12-Aug-13 08:13:42

Okay, taking off the RomCom googles,I don't see any indication that he wants to be more than friends. I would guard against any confessionals unless you are prepared to lose this friendship as a result or at very least change the nature of it.

I think some of your reticence may be due to this underlying concern.

What is positive is that it may have raised your awareness that you want a relationship now. I would start looking in places where others are crystal clear in wanting this too.

Of course you could be a bit underhand in asking him for his views on the best places to meet others romantically or whether he has any online dating experience, therefore letting him know that this is something you want. I think it would become evident at that point if he is quietly interested.....

Good luck O.P. x

Elsiequadrille Mon 12-Aug-13 09:40:18

I'm still of the idea that you need to present you feelings as confused/unsure, whether face to face or via email, as a way out if need be, if feelings are not reciprocated. (I'm thinking about how I would do it if I had to confess love to my best male friend). The most important thing (I think) is to ensure the friendship is preserved, whatever the outcome.

DisappointedHorse Mon 12-Aug-13 09:57:52

I just wanted to wish you luck OP, my cousin and her husband were best friends for years before one of them confessed their feelings. Now they've been married 10 years.

If it were me I think I'd go down the gently flirting route for a while before you meet. It paves the way for anything you might want to say rather than it being a bolt out of the blue. Nothing too obvious but see if he's receptive.

Another one here who married her best friend. wishing you luck and watching with interest x

milkglass Mon 12-Aug-13 10:58:38

My best friend kissed me. We'd been friends for many years. Until then I didn't realise I'd loved him all along. He said he'd loved me for years.

We've been a couple for 20 years and are married with 3 beautiful children.

I often look at him and wonder what would have happened if he hadn't just kissed me that night.

JessicaBeatriceFletcher Mon 12-Aug-13 11:05:23

I absolutely wouldn't do anything by email. It must be done face to face.

Cakes I've resurrected an old NN to post this, just so we can have a NN fight.

Oh yes they are. So there. grin

Sorry OP, wasn't really trying to hijack your thread. I married my best friend too. We've had up and downs, but are still here 27 years later. Advantage is that you know them inside out right from the start. No nasty surprises. My friend who had previously dated DH even warned me that he's a rubbish kisser. Sadly she was right. sad

Loopytiles Mon 12-Aug-13 22:47:12

Sorry your DS wasn't well, and on the "date" night too! Hope he's better.

I agree with elsiequadrille that it would be good to have a way out if he doesn't reciprocate, and wouldn't talk about love or falling for him, rather something more low-key like "recently I've been feeling attracted to you. D'you think we could become more than friends?"

In your shoes I'd email rather than do it face to face, as less stressful.

Hope it works out!

LucyWildelovesGru Tue 13-Aug-13 17:33:31

Thanks for your thoughts, everyone. Ds is better, the little monkey, having ruined my night (and yours!). They’ve all gone to stay with their dad for a few days and apparently he’s perked right up and did more or less as soon as he arrived. I’m now in a horrible hotel in the Midlands at a grim work conference – exhausted and looking forward to coming home tomorrow. And then hosting a sleepover for six excitable twelve year old girls, and then packing the car for two weeks camping in Wales. So not much chance of a rest on the horizon.

Doing it by email is definitely wrong, I know it’s wrong. I’m just a coward and yet also keen to resolve it one way or another. I reckon it is going to have to be a fairly low key approach with a bit of ambiguity – he’ll be totally freaked out if it’s a big declaration of my devotion.

So many of you married your best friends. I need details! How did you move from friend to girlfriend? Did you know beforehand? Did you make the first move (and if so did you have an inkling that he was interested)?

I was out for dinner with colleagues yesterday and there was a big discussion going on about male/female friendships. I was interested in what they were saying, of course. I probed a bit – asked the men if they would spend time one to one with a woman and look for opportunities to do that if they weren’t interested in her, or if they’d send emails asking her how her day had been. They almost all said no, apart from the one who is gay. That might just be the men I work with, but it did make me wonder if a man really would hang out with a woman if he isn’t interested on at least some level. Intellectually, I hope so – I’d like to believe in male/female friendships where romance doesn’t intrude. But of course, I’m really hoping that isn’t the case in this particular instance!

AndMiffyWentToSleep Tue 13-Aug-13 18:25:15

I've a good feeling about this, Lucy. I think it'll be worth waiting for!
Fingers crossed for you and for MNers' patience in the meantime.
grin

Hi Lucy,
I very embarrassingly told my 'friend' that there was this bloke that I really liked, but we were friends and didn't know if I should tell him or not. He guessed I meant him and fronted me out about it, I confessed and he let me know that he wasn't really in the right place for a relationship. Though I did point out that we were practically a couple in everything but name - spending every spare minute together, talking on the phone and online all the time the odd friends with benefits night together

I luckily had a date lined up with someone else so was able to be a bit more blase than I might otherwise have been and it kept things less awkward. Then one night I was on a date with my back-up when my phone rang and kept ringing until I answered it and when I did he told me to ditch my date and come home because he was in love with me and was outside my door waiting for me.

That was nine years ago, we got married five years ago and have a one year old smile

In my defence I was 21 when all this happened, hence some of the more immature aspects!

Elsiequadrille Tue 13-Aug-13 18:51:37

That's lovely, cakes <sniff>

Kikibee Tue 13-Aug-13 18:59:39

Wow this sounds like emmerdale or one of Richard Curtis's films, how exciting, I am desperate to find out what happens smile

Turniphead1 Tue 13-Aug-13 19:27:14

Thanks Cakes! Lovely RL story.

Lucy I think its true what your male colleagues say. There is probably an attraction he is not consciously aware of.

MexicanHat Tue 13-Aug-13 19:50:20

OMG Cakes that is so lovely!!!! Pass me the tissues!!!

ChippingInHopHopHop Tue 13-Aug-13 20:28:17

Cakes that's lovely smile

Fingers crossed still 'Lucy'!! Hope you enjoy your holiday in Wales!!

minkembernard Tue 13-Aug-13 20:39:53

Darn it. started reading thread..saw the big day was scheduled for Sunday. thought great. it Will all be sorted by the end of the thread.

Some lovely stories though. especially teafairy

I have been aon the other end of this and have had three male friends have declared feelings for me that i could not reciprocate...
And then there was the one whom I fell for who felt the same. not together now but did not regret a second of it.

Viking1 Wed 14-Aug-13 08:41:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PyroclasticFlo Wed 14-Aug-13 09:56:52

Lucy, I've been lurking and just wanted to add my support.

I think you're right not to email, but I wonder if maybe a text or two dropping some warning sign type hints might be an idea?

FWIW if i were in your situation I would send a text kind of along the lines of 'It's such a shame we couldn't meet up on Sunday, was so looking forward to it, I'm beginning to realise how much I love our time together and will miss you while I'm on holiday.'

That kind of gives him an opportunity to think about missing you and paves the way for conversations when you get back, while being ambiguous enough to dismiss as still within the bounds of 'good friends' if he doesn't respond.

Oh, and I love Gru, too grin

Good luck!

themidwife Wed 14-Aug-13 20:04:08

Excellent text suggestion Pyro!!!!

Laska42 Wed 14-Aug-13 20:11:51

yes texting is a great idea Pyro but OP IIWU I'd change the word from 'love' our time together to 'really enjoy' our time together and you'll be hitting the right note whatever.. if he likes you too then he'll understand and if he doesnt want to r take it any furtherits a good friendly text between great mates that that you can move on from without 'telling all'

Good luck! (sorry another one just delurking to add her two pennyworth here)

Wigeon Fri 16-Aug-13 19:37:25

De-lurking to also wish you good luck! I think if you don't at least broach the subject you will always be wondering "what if...?"

I asked out, and eventually married, my friend grin. We were 20, I went to visit him one summer holiday (we were both at different universities), he suggested we go out for dinner, he chose a lovely French restaurant, there was candlelight...and nothing.

So the next day, I went back to say hello to him during his lunch break at the local sandwich shop where he had a summer job, and whilst sitting on the wall of the graveyard of the local church hmm said "I think we should go out properly". He said "ok then" and we had a snog (he'd just been eating a samosa...!). Met him after work and went back to his parents' house to watch a James Bond film and snuggle up!

Dated for four years, got married at 24, have just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary and have two DDs! grin.

He says he hadn't particularly thought of asking me out and didn't have a big crush on me or anything, but when I asked, he thought "why not?" and thought he'd give it a go!! He reckons he got me back for having to ask him out by doing the proposing himself three years later though.

Jaynebxl Sat 17-Aug-13 07:28:35

I know there won't be an update for a couple of weeks because of the holiday but I'm dying to hear more!

delilahlilah Sat 17-Aug-13 10:54:23

Hi OP, Wales here, just advising wellies and wet weather gear! There are rumours of another heat wave, but its not arrived yet!!!
Looking forward to an update too. Have a great holiday in the mean time.

hellymelly Sat 17-Aug-13 11:12:20

Where in Wales are you camping?

themidwife Sat 17-Aug-13 12:04:12

Blimey we are going to Wales today too - better take rain coats!!

Aww Cakes you story made me cry, you are naughty... smile

I'm all melty and wistful now.

Bonne Chance Lucy xx

mamamidwife Sat 17-Aug-13 12:56:53

Delurking too, its reading like a richard curtis movie, love actually 2 smile

Love pyros suggestion, definately sending that text is a great plan, keeps you in his mind. If this situation was me, I would be worrying that if he was interested in me, the pub meet up would look like me brushing him off when I cancelled, so I would send a text like pyro suggested.

delilahlilah Sat 17-Aug-13 15:06:06

Themidwife which region are you headed for?

themidwife Sat 17-Aug-13 15:51:55

We're going near Carmarthen! Torrential on the M4!

Nikeairyfairy Sat 17-Aug-13 20:17:24

I came back to look up this thread as its similar to a thread I started last year.

Best decision I made. He proposed on nye and he's now got a ring... I know this because when putting his socks away I found an envelope marked ' diamond valuation' it's about a foot away from me and its killing me not to peek.... Anyway I don't want to derail. I'll link to said thread, and say its been the best decision I made. Never been happier. I absolutely adore him. Now I need to not look in the envelope!!!!!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1629934-Moving-from-friendship-to-something-more?msgid=36300779

hellymelly Sat 17-Aug-13 20:42:45

Not raining now *West Wales coast. Looks like it might be fine tomorrow.

minkembernard Sat 17-Aug-13 21:42:28

.

LucyWildelovesGru Sat 17-Aug-13 22:22:14

Right...car packed, waterproofs packed, think we will be fine. We are staying on a friend's farm in the Brecon Beacons. We do it each year - several of us from university plus families. On the plus side, if it is dreadful weather there is a warm kitchen, showers and the possibility of a roof over our heads (we all moved into the barn for a couple of nights last year).

So that's all fine. But my dad isn't well, and my step sister messed up her A-levels and my stepmum is freaking out, so I feel bad going away. I did contemplate cancelling but the dcs would be so upset and we are only a couple of hours drive away. It does mean I haven't had much chance to mope around and ponder my situation.

These stories are extraordinary and so moving. I loved your thread, nikeairyfairy, that's so wonderful - my heart was in my mouth reading it even though I knew it had a happy ending. You're all so brave - every time I imagine "the conversation" my pulse starts racing and I feel sick. I just keep imagine him letting me down gently and me having to go away and weep into my pillow.

I've just had a heart to heart over Skype with my best friend - she's in Australia now but has known him as long as I have. She says she thinks we are perfect for each other, that he is totally hopeless in these situations and that he will never, ever make the first move as he'd be worried about being turned down or upsetting me if he did like me, and that I am just going to have to seize the day or regret it forever. She's right - she usually is.

So I will hang on in there. I haven't ruled out a fairly non commital email/text while I am away. Will let you know!

Twinklestein Sat 17-Aug-13 22:27:06

I used to go camping on a farm in the Brecon Beacons sighs

You'll have a great time & your stepsis's A levels are not your responsibility.

hellymelly Sat 17-Aug-13 22:42:56

My DH is from near Brecon. It is somewhat wetter than here usually, but hopefully you will have some sunshine!

delilahlilah Sun 18-Aug-13 00:11:59

Sorry! Only just come back on. The midwife - am west of you near Swansea. Hope it is better tomorrow! Today was horrible!

delilahlilah Sun 18-Aug-13 05:56:42

Must have been tired last night!! Am East of you..... Weather trying hard to improve this morning! Fingers crossed. Keep an eye out for the White Hart pub - think village is Llanddarog. Amazing food if you want a treat!!

You must seize the day OP! Don't let this drag out forever or you'll lose your courage.

For what it's worth, my best friend spent a drunken evening telling me how it IS possible for some people to be friends and then a couple and it not be a disaster, then promptly snogged me grin Reader, I married him wink

Himoutdoors Sun 18-Aug-13 11:22:34

Haven't read much of he thread. My advice is not to say it on words but just act it out.......cuddle, snog, hug, kiss...whatever....just act it out....much more enjoyable and natural and less awkward.

CeliaFate Sun 18-Aug-13 12:23:36

Lucy I hope it works out for you. Dh and I were friends, spent time together, got to know each other and fell for each other. We've been together 20 odd years now!
It can work out - if you do get together, my only advice would be do lots of dating as we kind of missed out on that stage and went from being friends to living together very quickly.

CeliaFate Sun 18-Aug-13 12:24:03

*going out on dates each other I meant, not other people!

themidwife Sun 18-Aug-13 13:22:32

We are west of Carmarthen although on the beach at Pendine today - cloudy but dry! smile

LucyWildelovesGru Wed 21-Aug-13 16:42:29

It’s been ok here, weather wise – everyone is having a lovely time and a much needed break.

A quick update. I’m going home on Friday afternoon for a couple of nights, leaving the dcs with my amazing friends who claim not to mind taking responsibility for them all for a bit. My dad is coming out of hospital and I’m going to make sure he’s settled in, and give my step mum a hand for the first couple of days.

So, I thought I would seize the moment – there’s been a small amount of emailing back and forth about not very much. I wouldn’t call it flirting but it’s certainly not particularly relevant to anything that needed to be said. I replied to one of his messages to say I was coming back briefly and did he fancy trying to reschedule our drink, as I’d be free on Saturday night, and he said yes (just yes, not “oh wow, yes please, that would be amazing..”). So that’s my chance – if it goes badly, I escape back to Wales on Monday to lick my wounds for a week or so.

I’ve got a tan, and I have a new dress that I picked up in a spare moment last week, which I will wear. And the awful haircut looks a bit better than it did...so that’s all good.

I think it is going to be low key – at the end of the evening, I plan to say something along the lines of “I really enjoy the time we spend together, and I wonder if you’ve ever thought about whether there is more to this than friendship, because I’ve been wondering. I don’t want to do anything that puts our friendship at risk, because it’s very important to me, but I would certainly be up for trying a date, rather than a friendly get together, if you would be.” So plenty of wiggle room but suitably direct that it can’t be misinterpreted – and then if he says yes, I will suggest a date-style dinner before we go to the opera the week after next. If he says no, he says no, but at least it’s out there.

I’ve been weighing up the signs he may or may not be interested...he remembers details of what we have talked about, he definitely laughs at my jokes, teases me and finds what I say interesting, and we have masses and masses in common. We both love the same slightly obscure music and have the same taste in books. That said, he loves diving and hell would have to freeze over before I put on a wetsuit and diving mask, and he has a cat and cats make me sneeze.

I’m not sure about body language – he smiles and looks directly at me, but I don’t think he has ever touched me apart from the usual hello and goodbye kiss. He’s not seeing anyone else. But he has several female friends who he speaks to in a similar way. I don’t think he spends nearly as much time with any of them, but I’ve been slightly engineering the situation over the last few weeks.

He does email me out of the blue, but not consistently, and he can be quite functional and to the point in his replies – and he doesn’t seem able to pick up on my (admittedly quite oblique) hints about things we could do together. Sometimes he does, but sometimes he doesn’t – I am sure if I ever said “why don’t we do xx?” he would say yes, and indeed he does, but he doesn’t always take an opening and make the suggestion. He did mention the France trip again when I last saw him – no mention of the other friend coming but perhaps he thinks that goes without saying.

And, of course, he has never made a move of any kind!

Anyway, none of that is very interesting – I’m just trying to do a list in my own mind to try and convince myself that the balance of probabilities is that I should go for it on Sunday...

There you go, MN supporters. I will let you know how I get on. I think I’m brave enough. What’s the worst that can happen?

BetterWithCheese Wed 21-Aug-13 17:04:30

Good luck, Lucy! I think that sounds like a good way to say it to him, as you say clear but not a declaration of everlasting love.

yes!! perfect. his 'wow' is very encouraging. i do think you have to try or you'll regret it.

AndMiffyWentToSleep Wed 21-Aug-13 18:53:42

Ooh I have everything crossed for you!

DizzieDuck Wed 21-Aug-13 19:30:02

Good Luck OP sounds like you are definitely doing the right thing and that way to approach it sounds right.

kalidanger Wed 21-Aug-13 19:39:07

Marks place again wink

mamamidwife Wed 21-Aug-13 20:18:18

Sounds like a plan, be brave & good luck smile

MrsMinkBernardLundy Wed 21-Aug-13 20:58:01

smile good luck

MinginInTheRain Wed 21-Aug-13 22:13:38

marking place shamelessly.

good luck Lucy - fortune favours the brave!!

MrsHoolie Fri 23-Aug-13 00:02:08

Good luck....I'm excited about this and this thread is on my 'watch' list!

LookingForwardToVino Fri 23-Aug-13 00:06:18

Good luck!!!!

I fell for my best friend four years ago. Our daughter is 6.5 months and we are getting married next year.

It is THE most loving and positive relationship I have ever had (not just saying that because he sometimes looks on here wink )

Rooting for you op!!!

MummyBeerest Fri 23-Aug-13 00:32:33

Good luck OP! <nothing more to add, just a place-mark>

Have a great time!

Jaynebxl Sat 24-Aug-13 07:42:06

Oo it's tonight isn't it? Good luck OP!

TexMex Sat 24-Aug-13 08:45:27

Anyone else waiting for an update today?! Fingers crossed...

MrsMinkBernardLundy Sat 24-Aug-13 14:18:52

OP we are in suspense here.

hellymelly Sat 24-Aug-13 17:19:17

fingers crossed for you here.

Armadale Sat 24-Aug-13 17:36:03

Good luck OP
cancels plans to go out tonight to stay in for update

Quaffle Sat 24-Aug-13 17:50:24

Good luck!

BusyCee Sat 24-Aug-13 18:08:33

Shamelessly marking place...!

themidwife Sat 24-Aug-13 18:15:32

Ooooooooh! grin

littlebunnyfriend Sat 24-Aug-13 22:06:01

Shamelessly marks place! Good luck OP!

trinitybleu Sat 24-Aug-13 22:10:39

marking place - good luck!

I'm still with my best friend, 17 years after he suddenly kissed me! smile

ThePonyFormerlyKnownAsTony Sat 24-Aug-13 22:12:59

I don't even care about the outcome to this thread, oh no no... this is not place marking, not at all grin

Come on, a swift update from the toilet cubicle?

SunshineMMum Sat 24-Aug-13 22:41:07

Good luck OP!

Hello OP, just wanted to say that there was something almost identical to this in Graham Norton's agony uncle column in the Telegraph ages ago & Graham's advice was to 'go for it' as it's most likely that this man does fancy you but has no idea whether you feel the same. So show him that you do!

But lead up to it gently, you know, touch his arm, eye contact, laugh at his jokes etc etc before you confess smile

I will be checking this in the morning smile

Tambaboy Sat 24-Aug-13 23:32:27

Good luck OP!!!

kerstina Sat 24-Aug-13 23:43:07

I agree with Miranda much better to to lead up to it gently than ask him directly. He needs coaxing to be thinking that way already and if you just ask him point blank it puts him on the spot to say yes or no. Also not as romantic imho.

Angloamerican Sun 25-Aug-13 00:03:13

Place marking...

TheGrandPooBah Sun 25-Aug-13 00:13:17

Noooooo! Can't believe that I've got to the end of the thread and don't know what's happened next. I MUST know - I HAVE to know ... WHAT'S GOING ON??????

I've had the biggest smile on my face, reading this. I've convinced myself that you have a rosy future together - hope I'm right.

PyroclasticFlo Sun 25-Aug-13 07:24:31

On holiday in France, desperately checking MN on my phone for updates!!! Hope it went well, Lucy grin

mateysmum Sun 25-Aug-13 08:21:49

She hasn't updated yet - does that mean she's having a long lie in - wink

mamamidwife Sun 25-Aug-13 08:32:26

Re marking my place and waiting I'mpatiently smile

HappySunflower Sun 25-Aug-13 08:35:44

In one post, she mentioned ' going for it on Sunday' so I'm not sure it was last night, Ladies!!

I have been refreshing theis thread evy once in a while to check since I got up though grin

anniealan Sun 25-Aug-13 11:37:29

Just read back ops latest post and it says Saturday night he was free for a drink soo we'll just have to be patient smile I hope it all went well x

LucyWildelovesGru Sun 25-Aug-13 11:38:46

Sorry for the delay - am staying with my dad and the signal is dodgy, and they don't have a PC. Have had to go down the lane to get any reception...

Well, it didn't go well. About ten minutes into our meeting, he told me he was dating a woman he'd met at work. He said he had liked her from afar for a few months and she asked him out six weeks ago (I told you he would never make the first move!) and they went on their first date a few weeks ago.

I have no idea whether it is serious or not. As I said before, he doesn't do emotional chats so we pretty much left it at that. I probably should have said something but I couldn't then bear the idea of being knocked back.

I'm gutted, but when I thought about it last night properly, what struck me was that I was more saddened by the thought that this will have an impact on our friendship than I was by the thought that we won't get together. I know in theory it's possible to maintain a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex while you are dating someone else but I'd feel really uncomfortable - that's what my ex did and it turned into an affair.

I suppose I feel slightly aggrieved (perhaps unfairly) that he has sent mixed messages - I don't know that he is aware that he has, but his behaviour recently has certainly pointed to a degree of interest.

So, deep breaths needed. I will be ok. Feel bad I couldn't give you a happy ending. I'm getting in the car to drive back to Wales shortly so I'm not ignoring you - will be back later.

MexicanHat Sun 25-Aug-13 11:39:30

<waiting patiently>

Jbck Sun 25-Aug-13 11:42:09

Oh sorry Lucy, hoped for a whole romantic lovely ending. Big unmn hugs.

MissDD1971 Sun 25-Aug-13 11:44:08

Oh drat. Sorry OP about this.

Fwiw some men are like this, the mixed signals etc.

If it were ME I'd prefer a man who didn't skirt the issue and have out mixed signals and just asked me out. Your man didn't do this.

MissDD1971 Sun 25-Aug-13 11:44:43

Sorry send out!

anniealan Sun 25-Aug-13 11:58:15

Don't feel bad you couldn't give us a happy ending its not our lives. It yours. He shouldn't have given mixed messages but we're all guilty of that at one point or another. It's not to say it won't ever happen just not now atleast you tried and found out so you know where u stand

MexicanHat Sun 25-Aug-13 12:07:01

sorry for x-post OP.

Also sorry that things didn't go as you'd hoped. It sounds like he does he like you. He also sounds like the kind of person who would't ask someone out for a date and wouldn't say no if asked either. ((hugs))

MissDD1971 Sun 25-Aug-13 12:17:17

OP the only thing I'm wondering, well he was at a wedding with you 2 weekends ago where you got close and hedidn't mention the woman he liked at work, her asking him out etc. I'm not saying he should tell you everything re his romantic life but if you're that close I'd sort of wonder why he didn't tell me this?!

Is it also possible that you're reading too much into whether he likes you because if so I'd let it lie and concentrate on other men and not wait for his current rekar

MissDD1971 Sun 25-Aug-13 12:18:40

Sorry relationship to pan out.

Just I've been in and seen these relationships before.

You sound lovely. A real catch for lots of nice men.

themidwife Sun 25-Aug-13 12:20:53

Ah bad luck Hun! The time obviously isn't right for you guys. Stay friends & you never know, one day you may both feel the same & be single!

Elsiequadrille Sun 25-Aug-13 12:20:56

I'm so sorry, Lucy. You must be disappointed.

I do hope it doesn't impact on your friendship, his dating this new person. Perhaps it was a wise move to have said nothing about your true feelings at this stage.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Sun 25-Aug-13 12:35:57

Oh, bugger sad

So disappointed for you.

I don't know if I would have done what you did or if I'd have said 'Oh isn't that typical!! smile It has taken me months to pluck up the courage to tell you that I'd like more from our friendship, then when I'm about to tell you, you tell me you are seeing someone else!' grin

I guess him seeing someone else will have an impact on the time he has free to see you, but hopefully not too much.

AndMiffyWentToSleep Sun 25-Aug-13 13:42:30

Sorry Lucy. Fingers crossed it doesn't affect your friendship too much.

beaglesaresweet Sun 25-Aug-13 14:01:41

it's really too early to think that his new date would become a relationship, it may fizzle out very fast for all you know.

I still think you should have said something, as Chipping suggested! maybe you still can, in a text or message? I sense he does like you a lot, your instinct can't be completely wrong, but was scared to make the first move as you are friends. Or you could stop contact for a while, and if asks why, then tell him, the friendship can still survive after that if you wanted to.

MummyBeerest Sun 25-Aug-13 14:28:40

Oh no! So sorry to hear Lucy.

The timing just seems to be off. It seems like you have a lot going on right now anyway, and to tell him may have complicated things all around. (Still doesn't make it feel any easier though)

Hope your Dad is okay.

mamamidwife Sun 25-Aug-13 14:30:28

What if he was telling you so that you would lay your cards on the table? I think you should still tell him your feelings. You still have nothing to lose.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Sun 25-Aug-13 15:06:32

So sorry Lucy. It may or may not last with the woman he's dating but I think you need to work out exactly what you want. If it's truly him, then maybe send a text along the lines of what ChippingIn says, maybe adding 'Never mind, hope it goes well with new lady and I'm just glad to have you as a friend.' to the end. At least you'll have said your piece and can start to move on.

PyroclasticFlo Sun 25-Aug-13 15:44:25

So sorry Lucy ((hug))

sincitylover Sun 25-Aug-13 16:58:18

I would also text or email him along the lines that Chipping suggested.

I have done similar myself recently.

MadeMan Sun 25-Aug-13 17:18:17

OP, how about no contact with him for a month? This will give him a chance to miss you while he's with his new woman.

I don't think telling him your true feelings at this point will make any difference, it'll just complicate things and be awkward for you. My advice, just disappear.

magimedi Sun 25-Aug-13 17:23:06

Oh dear - sorry about that Lucy.

Frankly you don't sound too gutted so maybe that's telling you something?

I agree about no contact for a while & see how you feel & what happens.

MrsMinkBernardLundy Sun 25-Aug-13 21:03:05

I would not tell him yet either unless you want to go for broke. if you tell him and hes says no and ends up with new gf he will not be able to tell her that you are just an old friend and there is nothing between you. so he will not be ble to be friends with you.

CeliaFate Sun 25-Aug-13 21:38:49

You have a few options I think.
*Tell him how you feel and say you want to know if he has the same feelings.
*Don't tell him and stay as friends.
*Don't tell him, be there when he breaks up with girlfriend and get drunk and shag him (I may have been influenced by When Harry Met Sally here!).

MrsHoolie Sun 25-Aug-13 23:01:44

Oh Lucy,I'm gutted for you.
Hope you are ok.

LucyWildelovesGru Mon 26-Aug-13 11:20:25

I'm ok, really. Life is weird at the moment - dad, my ex behaving like a normal human being, work. This feels like just another element of a temporary blip that will iron itself out soon.

Look, who knows if it is serious or if it will last? But I'm
absolutely not going to do or say anything to get in the way. For now, I am going to leave it and leave him - I feel a bit misled by the signals he was sending but I am prepared to accept that that was me trying to see something that might not have been there.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Mon 26-Aug-13 11:38:10

Thinking about it, I think that's very wise. I truly hope things work out for you, with or without him.

MadeMan Mon 26-Aug-13 12:14:19

"I feel a bit misled by the signals he was sending but I am prepared to accept that that was me trying to see something that might not have been there."

This man is a good friend of yours so it's only natural that he will be showing signs that he likes you (albeit perhaps just as a friend), but he must be fond of you.

In my opinion, signs of interest and signals are overrated and only serve to feed the egos of these so-called relationship gurus that you see everywhere in the Sunday papers and the internet. All this 'watch their body language' and 'does she twirl her hair while she's staring at you', kind of thing. It's a load of old rubbish in my experience, although I do still occasionally find myself falling for it again.

Anyway, don't feel silly about your situation, it's happened to all of us at some point; we all see the things that we want to see.

beaglesaresweet Mon 26-Aug-13 12:44:06

Body language does have it place though, MadeMan, most people aer not so in control of their expressions, and not such good actors as to pretend. What I'd say though, mild fancying and attarction that they DO feel, often isn't strong enough to actually take the plunge - and there are usually good reasons why they don't see you as a relationship material - wrong age, no interests in common, personality not quite 'there' - even if there is genuine degree of physical attraction. Lots of people do get confused between just being fancied a bit (genune and reflected in Body L), and being seen as a potential partner.

beaglesaresweet Mon 26-Aug-13 12:45:57

its place

And good idea, OP, to go no contact for a while, he may reveal what he really feels or doesn't feel as a result. If he says he misses you and asks why though, I'd tell him.

noobieteacher Thu 29-Aug-13 16:44:34

Oh this is so awful. Just got back from holiday to catch up. What an absolute nightmare for you. You'd think he would give off signals to the right person - how can he be giving them off to both you and her?

Or is the other woman just pushy and has 'claimed' him?

I think you should try and spend more time with him to clear the air and find out where you both stand - losing this friendship will be awful for you and for him as well and you should fight to keep that at least. I think it will be messy but the alternative is pretty grim.

My guess is though, if he's passive and 'decent' he won't want you around much if that's what his partner wants.

evelynj Sat 31-Aug-13 12:16:51

Ah boo sorry to hear. This. Not convinced this is the end though. Also Op, I just enjoy reading your posts. You sound nice & sounds like you have a pretty fun life so keep us updated and good luck!

Remember, all's well that ends well. If it's not well, it's not the end smile

AndAnother Thu 12-Sep-13 19:56:40

Any update OP?

Screwfox Thu 12-Sep-13 23:55:17

you know love isnt supposed to be this hard.

if it aint working - bin it

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