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dp always busy in the evening but when I am he pouts

(101 Posts)
tygertygerburningbright Mon 22-Jul-13 18:44:08

Dp plays football five nights a week. He doesn't play on Wednesdays, but that is the one night every week that ds is with his dad so I have a chance to get out of the house and catch up with my friends.

Obviously I don't go out every Wednesday because mostly I want to see dp as I only see him for about an hour after football before I have to go to bed.

However, some weeks I want to go out with my friends or see a film or something with them. Dp has just joined his fifth football team so now most nights he has double training sessions as well as daytime matches on the weekends. I do not begrudge him his hobby at all, and would not dream of asking him to stop.

But when I mention I am going out on Wednesday so won't see him he kind of pouts and seems grumpy like im choosing not to see him.

It is unlucky that things are arranged thus way. I don't even know why I posted this really, there's no solution really. He just left for football after a conversation about this and I feel sad sad

LifeofPo Mon 22-Jul-13 18:48:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

deleted203 Mon 22-Jul-13 18:52:02

I would get rid of the dick personally! When DO you actually see each other? You are offering him your company 5 nights a week when he chooses not to see you - but he gets arsey if you occasionally do something on a Wednesday - which is the one night he has graciously 'allocated' to you. It isn't unlucky - and there is a solution. Either he cuts back on his football, accepts that you don't see him at all some weeks, or you get rid of him and find someone who DOES want to prioritise your relationship a bit more. This one does not sound like a 'keeper' in my book.

WeGotTheKrunk Mon 22-Jul-13 18:52:04

It seems a bit unreasonable to me that your DP has a hobby that takes him out of the house 5 nights a week. It wouldn't be begrudging him a hobby if you were to ask him to scale back his commitments a bit. Relationships work both ways - if he wants to spend time with you & his family (and I bloody hope he does), he should make sure he's home a bit more. The compromises shouldn't all be coming from your side.

FWIW I'm quite an active & sociable person, and have lots of activities that take me out of the house of an evening. Could be out 5 nights a week if I didn't say no to things- and I do say no, because I've chosen to make my life with my P and that means not spending every night of the week spending time with other people!

YANBU for wanting to go out once a week. Your DP OTOH, for wanting to go out 5 nights a week and then get all pissy because you won't curb your own (perfectly reasonable) separate interests... HIBU.

Walkacrossthesand Mon 22-Jul-13 18:55:55

He's doing a good job of making himself scarce in the evenings leaving you to do the daily bedtime routine, then expecting you to be 'all his' when your DC is elsewhere, isn't he ...How about suggesting a compromise - you'll keep some wednesdays free for a 'date night' as long as he drops one of his five (five!!) nights footie training so you have an evening in all together?

Twinklestein Mon 22-Jul-13 19:00:25

Well tell him to cancel one of his 5 football nights so can spend another evening together...

DPotter Mon 22-Jul-13 19:02:01

This sort of behaviour makes me sooo angry - him for trying it on and you for letting him. Stand up for your family life. There is a solution - your 'D'P shifts his priorities away from his hobby and back to you and his family. I would be kicking up a storm (hurricane force) if I was on the receiving end of this treatment. You need to sit him down and give him sight of both barrels. I'm assuming it's off season at the moment so no more signing up for 5 nights a week - I think 2 sessions per week is enough. And don't fall for the 'stressful job/ need to unwind / good Dad and provider ' patter either. If nothing else think of the damage he's doing to his knees...let alone his family life.
Oh and by the way - just to check who washes his kit ? Guessing it's not him - although ready to stand corrected - so you have currency - just stop doing the washing.

tygertygerburningbright Mon 22-Jul-13 19:02:23

Ds isn't his son. Just to clarify. I don't mind about the bedtime etc. I just guess I want him to want to see me too.

But football is really important to him. He loves it.

DameFanny Mon 22-Jul-13 19:02:30

Yep he's an arse. 5 nights a week?

tygertygerburningbright Mon 22-Jul-13 19:03:16

Haha yes I do wash his kit.

sooperdooper Mon 22-Jul-13 19:03:44

Five nights a week for a hobby is completely unreasonable, he should give up some of those and spend time with you on one of those nights

sooperdooper Mon 22-Jul-13 19:05:10

Football is more important to him than your relationship by the amount of time he spends there! I wouldn't be happy if my Dh was out 5 nights a week, if he was I might as well be single tbh

DPotter Mon 22-Jul-13 19:05:25

Sorry Tygertyger - just think about what you wrote - he loves his football so he play 5 nights a week, barely seeing you and leaves 2 nights a week to spend with you. So he loves his football more than you.........
Not sure I would settle for this

WeGotTheKrunk Mon 22-Jul-13 19:07:49

But football is really important to him. He loves it.

Yes, but surely you are important to him too? The way he's treating you is really disrespectful. Do you get to see him at all? Your posts so far make it sound a bit like you're nothing more than the woman who cooks his tea and tidies up after him... that you're more like a parent than a partner in this relationship...

earlyriser Mon 22-Jul-13 19:08:09

If he loves football so much he wants to spend 5 nights a week training AND playing it at the weekend, what does that say about how much he loves YOU?

RandomMess Mon 22-Jul-13 19:08:58

I agree with WeGotTheKrunk, he spends his weekends and evenings playing football, you wash his kit...

Ogg Mon 22-Jul-13 19:09:31

Its about balance isn't - and on balance he love football 5/2 to you.

Katisha Mon 22-Jul-13 19:09:53

He's effectively detached himself from family life with you and your DS hasnt he. He patently doesn't feel the need to act as any sort of parent and perhaps you don't need him to, but it really doesn't sound like he's got past being a teenager in terms of just pleasing himself.

Fairenuff Mon 22-Jul-13 19:12:44

You are convenient to him. You fit into his schedule and you don't complain. It's only a problem when you are not available to him. Think about it. Is this what you want because it is what you are allowing to happen.

IfNotNowThenWhen Mon 22-Jul-13 19:15:50

Um. I'd be shagging the window cleaner by now tbh.

tygertygerburningbright Mon 22-Jul-13 19:16:50

I have to say I was expecting people to respond saying I was being unreasonable and selfish. I'm surprised you all seem to be in agreement.

I would just feel horrible asking him to quit some of his teams.. I managed to get him to consider dropping one because he signed up to yet another one the other day, and I convinced him he can't possibly play for any more.

He doesn't technically live with me but he is here a lot. But yeah I do cook for him, do all the washing etc. I don't mind doing it.

I'm not even sure who he plays for which night. It is off season at the moment, so the weekend games haven't started just yet but I don't know enough about football to know if when the season starts it will be the same nights or more again for training etc.

Fairenuff Mon 22-Jul-13 19:20:06

How would it be selfish for you to go out for one evening every fortnight when he is out five evenings every week? Can you not see the imbalance here?

RandomMess Mon 22-Jul-13 19:20:40

Starts Mid-August, stop doing his washing!!! Stop being his Mummy

Katisha Mon 22-Jul-13 19:22:35

You need to stop enabling his selfish behaviour.
You need to stop doing his washing for a start. He is using you.Stop being a doormat and have some respect for yourself.

Twinklestein Mon 22-Jul-13 19:23:44

If he loves football that's absolutely fine, but he can't see you on Wednesday nights because you're busy.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Mon 22-Jul-13 19:24:25

So he does what he wants when he wants and you skivvy for him and he expects you to always be available for dinner and a shag if he can fit you into his busy schedule? You have to be available on the one night he can spare because he won't give up any night he's doing something he likes? You just have to do it?

get yourself a really really good mirror and hold it up to yourself and see if you can see anything that looks at all like this

It's not just the 5 nights a week, is it?, There's the weekend matches too......

It looks to me as if you are just a convenience for him. As you are not living together I suggest you start by refusing to wash his kit.

Casmama Mon 22-Jul-13 19:25:49

What do you get out if this relationship OP and how long have you been together?

CaptainSweatPants Mon 22-Jul-13 19:26:25

Is he like a dad to your ds? Does he take part in family life at weekends?
Do you go out together when ds is with his dad?
What do you love about him?

Fairenuff Mon 22-Jul-13 19:26:47

Why do you do his washing if he doesn't live with you?

tygertygerburningbright Mon 22-Jul-13 19:31:21

He spends a lot of time here so I do his washing etc because it's all here so I might as well.. I honestly have no problem doing it, he doesn't ask me to and is always grateful.

He is amazing with my ds, and in every other way I couldn't ask for a better partner. He is very kind and thoughtful and lovely in every way. My only complaint is how much he plays football! But he has played at this level since he was about fourteen I think, he apparently had a chance at becoming a pro but he had a knee injury etc. It is z huge part of his life.

tygertygerburningbright Mon 22-Jul-13 19:32:46

Captainsweatpants, yes we do go out together when ds is not here. Every other weekend he is with his dad so me and dp spend time together then.

Fairenuff Mon 22-Jul-13 19:33:02

Of course he is lovely, why wouldn't he be? He has you doing everything for him. The only time he is not lovely is when he isn't getting his own way.

Twinklestein Mon 22-Jul-13 19:38:23

He's lovely when he's there, but he's not most of the time...

It wouldn't even occur to me to do this guy's washing.

I have a football mad house.

I have never known any man train 5 nights a week, that is just bizarre!

Is this Power league 5 a side stuff or training for the forthcoming season?

FunLovinBunster Mon 22-Jul-13 19:44:21

Do you wash his kit?
**Spray inside of top with Deep Heat.
**And the groin of the shorts with a fresh, cut Scotch Bonnet chilli.
He'll learn.
Cuntworm.

DontmindifIdo Mon 22-Jul-13 19:46:58

God, I've lived with DH for years and I've never washed his kit (and he's played sport to a high level for the whole time I've known him).

stop cleaning, cooking and offering the services of a domestic help. If he's not living with you then you are just dating still - lets keep some romance at this stage! oh and go out every Wednesday, if he wants to see you, he'll have to put some effort in.

Notmadeofrib Mon 22-Jul-13 19:48:14

you are living in HIS life, you don't have a life together. He does exactly what he wants and you go along with it. That is not a relationship that is someone that will let you hang around with them, when it suits them.

I'm sorry OP, but you need a reality check. My husband and I do loads separately, but we agree stuff with each other first and make time for each other at the compromise of other things on occasion

Hang on, I can barely read your OP, there is a big sign in the way saying "MEGA MUG".

DameFanny Mon 22-Jul-13 19:50:58

What dontmind said.

What does he do for an actual living? And how old is he?

He is so kind an thoughtful that you only see him one hour a day, and in this time, you manage to launder his kit....

Sorry darling, you dont have a relationship. You provide sex and laundry services.

tygertygerburningbright Mon 22-Jul-13 19:54:16

Youstayclassy, I honestly don't know exactly who he plays for. One night a week it's some sort of sll stars five a side thing, then I think one is a local pubs team and the rest are local county teams. He gets paid to play for some of them, or he used to and possibly will again with one of his new ones. It's all very complicated for me to follow..

Hmmm. I'm pondering the rest. He has never moved out of his mother's house before. Technically he hasn't now. I do sometimes wonder if part of my appeal to him is that I am self sufficient and live in a ready made home he can come to without having to really do any of the house stuff himself. Obviously he assures me this is not the case.

Ezio Mon 22-Jul-13 19:57:50

That apparently is the case.....

He's selfish and only cares for himself however good he is with your ds.

Don't put up with this free loader taking the piss.

Presumably you don't see him much during the weekend either when he's playing the matches.

How long have you been seeing him?

Twinklestein Mon 22-Jul-13 20:03:27

Or not seeing him...wink

RandomMess Mon 22-Jul-13 20:04:01

If you're happy with this friend with benefits arrangement then that is fine however it doesn't have the making of a long term committed relationship. Unless it is one of doormat and selfish bloke!

Fairenuff Mon 22-Jul-13 20:04:03

I do sometimes wonder if part of my appeal to him is that I am self sufficient and live in a ready made home he can come to without having to really do any of the house stuff himself

Penny. Drops.

Sorry tyger but in his eyes you're just a convenience to him as well as being a doormat. He has it well made with you, he can yank that string and you just pootle along uncomplaining enabling his behaviour.

Where's your spine?.

You are just continuing where his mother left off but this time with you he gets sex as well. There is a word for a man like this one and that is cocklodger. These types often target single mums because these men think that such women would put up with any old crap.

This is no life and you need to raise your own bar on relationships markedly. He is also no decent role model to your DS either if he treats you with such contempt.

TalkativeJim Mon 22-Jul-13 20:09:19

'I do sometimes wonder if part of my appeal to him is that I am self sufficient and live in a ready made home he can come to without having to really do any of the house stuff himself'

um...YUP!!!!

Get rid, honestly. You really are being taken for a ride... and by a guy self-centred enough to not even realise he's onto a good thing and keep his mouth shut about your occasional nights out.

joanofarchitrave Mon 22-Jul-13 20:11:51

I have to say that I would regard a partner who is out five nights a week as the perfect man though seven nights a week would be even better.

I WOULD tell him not to rely on me washing his stuff (though I wouldn't mind putting his keks in with mine if the time suited me and by the time I'd shredded his kit or turned it pink a few times he'd be sorting his own anyway

I WOULD NOT stay in on a Wednesday and miss my friends.

If you like him, see him. But don't listen to carping and grousing.

tanukiton Mon 22-Jul-13 20:14:33

Urmm. You know the answers to the questions you don,t want to ask yourself...
don,t you?

HamsterDam Mon 22-Jul-13 20:20:14

sounds so much like my ex.
was great with ds but really we just fitted in to his life when it suited him rather than sharing a life together like a family should.
mine had moved out of his mums before but she still did all his washing and some cooking and he was back with mummy when we got together.
he hardly ever lifted a finger while he was here.
anyway i dumped him 9 months ago and im so much happier and my life is full of things i enjoy. no more waiting around for him to want to spend time with us.
its damaging for your self esteem to know that football of all things beats you on the list of priorities almost everytime.

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou Mon 22-Jul-13 20:22:09

It's like me and my cat. We do our own thing but when I notice she isn't there I go and look for her and feel a bit put out if she has gone out on her own. I expect to be able to do what I want so I think she is ridiculous when I get in and she is standing by the door looking reproachful. She's a cat though, you are a person.

lechatnoir Mon 22-Jul-13 20:24:37

Sorry but I've never heard of any adult play football as a hobby 5 nights a week - are you sure he's playing football all this time?

MissStrawberry Mon 22-Jul-13 20:25:38

TBH I can't be arsed to read anything but your OP. Your boyfriend is a baby who is throwing a tantrum because you aren't there to suck him off entertain him.

tygertygerburningbright Mon 22-Jul-13 20:29:37

Lechatnoir, yes he is playing football every time. He calls me and I can hear it in the background. I know a fair few of the boys he plays with. And he always tells me how much he scores etc, , comes back with cut knees from tackles.

He is definitely playing football!

lechatnoir Mon 22-Jul-13 20:44:43

Fair enough but I still find it incredible (not in a good way) that someone in a supposedly committed relationship thinks it's ok to be busy 5 out of 7 nights plus weekends!!

tygertygerburningbright Mon 22-Jul-13 23:02:37

Ok, dp just came home from football and we had a chat.

He hasn't been playing great lately (personally I think because he plays too often and doesn't get a break!) So he agreed to cut back to one county team and his five a side smile

He seems to see my point.

mrspaddy Mon 22-Jul-13 23:18:09

I think you need more than this though in the longer term. I would back off a bit.. don't be so motherly.. get glammed up/ go out. Don't be available every weekend. Don't do the washing.

If it develops into a more serious relationship - do you want a man that doesn't act like a real man. Honestly he sounds like a teenager with mummy and football.

Harsh but it wouldn't be for me.

DPotter Tue 23-Jul-13 01:01:10

Sorry Tygertyger that was way too easy - sorry to rain on your parade. That or your negotiating skills should have you working out of the United Nations.
Could be he's cutting back as he's not playing well - not because he wants to spend time with you. How many sessions will he play for ? - still could be 4 times a week - training for both teams and then a match for both. I suggest you ask which days / evenings he's planning to spend with you.

And don't do his washing

aurynne Tue 23-Jul-13 01:32:10

Let me see if I can make you see our point OP... Imagine the situation is reversed: you live with you mum and dad, you have never lifted a finger at home or participated in any domestic chore in your whole life, you love playing waterpolo/basketball/tennis and do this 5 evenings a week with your friends and have a great time. You start seeing this guy who has a son from a previous relationship, but who has his own apartment, earns his own money and is great in bed. So you decide you want to have him available for you whenever you happen to be free, you drop your dirty, smelly clothes for HIM to wash in HIS house (so apart from being a domestic slave, he also pays for water, electricity and detergent). Oh, and if he dares to go anywhere in the only night you choose to be with him, you will sulk and make him feel guilty and miserable. How dare he NOT be there for Your Excellence?

Now, ho would you think of yourself if you did this?

aurynne Tue 23-Jul-13 01:33:39

And even more to the point: can you see you treating a person you love like this?

lottiegarbanzo Tue 23-Jul-13 02:00:36

Are you considering having more children? How would that work?

Longdistance Tue 23-Jul-13 02:49:24

I'm a sports widow...sigh. Rugby, cricket and golf played badly but I have NEVER washed my dh's sports gear. He does it himself, as I have enough washing to do.

You need to drop doing that at least.

I agree with pp about not being available to him all the time.

FiftyShadesofGreyMatter Tue 23-Jul-13 02:59:00

Totally agree he is taking you for an absolute mug, get some self respect and kick him to the curb!

WafflyVersatile Tue 23-Jul-13 03:09:36

So he snubs your company 5 times a week but takes the huff when you snub his once a fortnight?

You're not allowed anything do he can maintain 5 things?

The responsibly for the relationship is all yours?

You are a free skivvy?

Fuck him off.

MissStrawberry Tue 23-Jul-13 08:02:29

This is so ridiculous.

Do you seriously think he would admit he likes going from one mummy to another, one ready made house to another where he has no responsibility. Wake up!

DontmindifIdo Tue 23-Jul-13 09:06:26

I would have another talk, it also seems like he's sort of stealth moving in, staying officially at his mums so that you don't ask him to pay towards the bills, but you are cooking and cleaning for him. He's not being expected to take you out on dates, just pop round when he's free.

Slow back down, stop having him just pop in every night, he can take you out on dates, he's not ready or avaiable for a grown up relationship, so don't try to have one with an overgrown teenager.

And a quick tip, anyone who brings a bag of dirty laundry with them on a date and even worse, expects you to wash it, should not get another date, even if you have already been seeing him for a long time.

(And I would put money on the fact he's cutting back is more to do with him not playing well, not because he wants to spend time with you)

tygertygerburningbright Tue 23-Jul-13 09:21:35

Gosh you guys are very difficult to please.

He can't win! He is not a malicious person. He was not intentionality taking advantage of me. How ex banned him from playing football and I think he was so un used to such freedom that he ran with it a little. Once he realised how I felt he was mortified.

I did explain he was basically just coming here for food and sex.

Now I just need to address the fact that he will probably sleep til one pm today..

bestsonever Tue 23-Jul-13 09:59:37

It's not the point that you don't mind doing his washing. The more that gets done for him the more dependent he'll be. Co-dependency, is not the way, so how about you let him use your facilities, sensible if he's there anyway. That way he learns how to work the thing -bet he'll claim not to know how.
You are going to have to start teaching him how to be independent or expect to be a mother substitute until he moves on. Mothered men do go, as it becomes a not so sexy situation living with a mother-type figure and independence is an attractive quality even for them
Make sure you don't lose your own independence, go out and maintain your own interests. Meet up when you are both free only, not just him.
Make sure he's contributing to your household fairly as you don't want him to be there just for the easy comfort you provide.

PatriciaHolm Tue 23-Jul-13 10:07:39

Sleep til 1pm? Does he work OP? If he plays footie every night and sleeps during the day?

Essentially he's gone from Mummy's house to Mummy2's house. With added shags.

I don't think he's malicious at all tyger. Just selfish and juvenile.

Pigsmummy Tue 23-Jul-13 10:07:59

Even professional footballers don't play five nights a week plus training?!? I am sorry but he is taking the piss. I bet he has his dinner ready, you do all the housework and his washing.

WireCat Tue 23-Jul-13 10:13:16

Does he work?

DontmindifIdo Tue 23-Jul-13 10:13:32

realistically OP, you need to separate the fact that you aren't living together and acting as a family in some ways - so he doesn't need to check with you that you are getting equal 'me time' because you aren't a family unit; but in other ways, he expects you to act as a famiy unit, ie. you doing the cooking, cleaning and washing because you have the additional time to do it.

I assume he's not paying towards the bills, are you funding all his food too?

Even if you don't mind doing the washing, I'd refuse to do it because it crosses a boundary of the 'unit' and 'separate people who are dating' - whereas he's not crossing the boundary the otherway, he's not say, staying in with DS a couple of nights a week to ensure you both got equal time out with your friends/doing hobbies, not covering the bills and taking the pressure off. Does he ever put a wash load on of your stuff? I'm guessing not.

Another thing, do not fall in to the trap of being 'better than the ex'. So many men use the fact that their exW/P didn't let them do XYZ/didn't like ABC as a way of ensuring you can't complain about it too. You find youself being 'better' because you do let them do XYZ and you can't complain because then you are just like their ex, and all the baggage of being just like the woman they dumped before you. You don't want to be like her - whereas it could quite easily be that their exP had a lot of faults, but on this, they were quite right.

Most woman if they wanted a grown up relationship that's a partnership would have to say football 5 nights a week plus a full time job is too much 'me time' for one partner. As you are a single mother you probably don't get much time to yourself and so aren't used to having your own time, but long term if you are going to be a partnership, you'd have to have equal time 'off' or you will start to resent him. if he's out 5 nights a week doing his hobby, you can't do the same. even if you get a couple of nights off that will mean you never see each other - that's not going to work. If he wants a grown up equal relationship, then sooner or later the football will become an issue. Perhaps he needs to think about what he actually wants from a relationship.

tygertygerburningbright Tue 23-Jul-13 10:20:42

Ok, I can see your points.

He is younger than me, by about six years. He does work but he is in construction so he might work for a while then have a few weeks off. Which he has now.

I am a little annoyed that he will sleep all day if I dont wake him, happy to let me clean the house etc even though he is here all the time so its his mess too.

He has been utterly babied by his mother and cannot do anything around the house. She still tidies his bedroom at home.... Its shocking tbh.

I think I will have a talk with him when I wake him up in a minute. He either has to act like he lives here, get up and help out and contribute, or he can spend more time at home and just visit when he wants to spend time with me/ds. I dont think thats unreasonable.

I think I just fell into doing everything for him because at the beginning it seemed like a nice thing to do. But I guess years of this would wear me down.

pinkyredrose Tue 23-Jul-13 10:20:52

Why will he sleep until 1pm doesn't he work? Five nights a wk plus weekends too isn't a hobby it's a lifestyle. I'd be really pissed off if I were you.

OP how old is he?

Ezio Tue 23-Jul-13 10:30:27

Bright, you do realise your dating a teenager right, is this the man you really want as your sons role model?

DontmindifIdo Tue 23-Jul-13 10:37:59

very clever really, because he doesn't live at your house, so he doesn't have to do the work involved in running the house, and at 'home' he's still treated like a child, so noone expects him to be a grown up. As you were used to doing all the housework yourself, you didn't notice he wasnt pitching in, and anyway, he's a guest - but guests don't turn up when they fancy it and don't sleep in until 1pm.

colditz Tue 23-Jul-13 10:39:48

Oh dear.

Personally, I like dating adults.

SquidgyMummy Tue 23-Jul-13 11:00:06

Op, you do now realise that you are a mug?
His last gf didn't put up with it, which is why she is now an Ex.
Good that you are going to stop babying him, but be prepared for him to dump you and find another mummy figure

tygertygerburningbright Tue 23-Jul-13 11:18:18

Well I thought he was an adult..

I obviously didnt realise the extent of his mother's babying him until recently.

But yeah I guess I was doing it all because he was a 'guest' in my house and im used to doing it all myself anyway.

I woke him up and made him put the washing out and clean the garden..

He doesn't seem especially pleased...

But surely he will have to learn how to look after himself sooner or later?

Honestly I dont know how people bring up their sons to be so lazy and entitled. I sure as hell am not going to let DS turn out like that.

Fairenuff Tue 23-Jul-13 11:33:44

tyger by the time my ds was 12 he could do everything that I can do, except drive the car. He even did voluntary work as a peer mentor at a youth club. Now he is 14 and I am confident that he can take care of himself and run a house.

He can get a weeks worth of shopping for a family of four, by planning meals, choosing the best value and checking for use by dates. He can cook and bake and clear up after himself. He uses the washing machine, irons his clothes and recently redecorated his bedroom.

These are the tools we should give our children so that they can be competent and self-sufficient in the world when they become adults. It does wonders for their self esteem too.

It's a shame that so many women continue to baby their sons. They are not doing them any favours and I think it's more about satisfying their own need to feel loved and useful. And it keeps their sons at home for longer, depending on them for food and clean clothes. But it's not really healthy or what's best for the child.

tygertygerburningbright Tue 23-Jul-13 11:36:49

I agree completely. I'm baffled by his complete lack of life skills and I find it very hard to respect his mother.

Your son is going to grow up thinking men get to sleep all day, while women service them and pamper them. They dont have to work, they spend time playing football or sleeping.

What are you thinking, choosing such a role model for your child?

Dont blame his mum, you are doing the same!

tygertygerburningbright Tue 23-Jul-13 11:41:21

I am not doing the same. There is no way in he'll my son will grow up thinking that.

I appreciate that I have made a mistake allowing dp to think this is the way things are going to be but I assure you they will not continue as they have been.

Twinklestein Tue 23-Jul-13 11:52:27

If you want this relationship to progress you're going to have a job to step back from all this mothering to splitting things 50:50.

It's not actually your job to teach him to become self-sufficient; & he may well feel hard done by & slightly outraged because he's used to his mum doing it all.

Fairenuff Tue 23-Jul-13 11:58:47

Good on you tyger. Have a chat with him and explain that you want to have an equal relationship with a capable man. Don't tell him what to do, tell him what you want. Can you see the difference?

You cannot tell other adults what to do, they have to make those choices for themselves. So you say, I want a man who will set an alarm clock to wake up at a reasonable time and get some jobs done around the house, for example.

If he doesn't do things off his own back, don't 'nag' him, just tell him he's not the man for you after all. Not mature enough. If he wants to stay with you, he will make the effort, believe me.

If he doesn't make the effort, he is just using you as a convenience.

DontmindifIdo Tue 23-Jul-13 12:08:24

Agree with fairenuff, don't tell him how to behave, it's not your job to teach him. As great as it is that others have taught things like how to cook, clean and use a washing machine to their ds's, most things you can work out for yourself, but you have to realise they need to be done by you. I think the "half moved in" thing isn't working for you, a real guest wouldnt sleep in until 1pm, a real partner wouldn't need to be asked to do housework.

Good luck with your talks!

dontyouwantmebaby Tue 23-Jul-13 12:19:00

tygertyger - in your own words 'i guess years of this would wear me down'. You are spot on. It will.

someone who huffs because you have made plans for a night that he is free when that very same person makes plans for pretty much every other night of the week is selfish, controlling and likes things their own way. his behaviour is childish and unreasonable in the extreme.

don't fall into the trap of doing everything for him because he's a 'guest' at yours. can you imagine if the situation were reversed, would he be running around after you? (not that you would need or expect him to). grrrr.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer Tue 23-Jul-13 12:19:44

OK, some progress in cutting back the number of teams. Some good next steps would be:

- he contributes towards the food bills (and does some cooking, preferably)

- he contributes towards the cost of laundry tabs etc and does his own kit washing (should be easy if he is not working during the day at the moment)

- you make a regular thing of going out with your friends on Wednesday. That is yourtime. Don't think you can't now do this because he has cut down his teams.

-he clears up the mess he makes around your house

DPotter Tue 23-Jul-13 12:29:03

Tyger tyger
Good for you - I agree with Fairenuff too
Good luck

Can I give you a bit of advice?
You can't re-parent a partner. You can't teach them to be independent and self sufficient and contribute if they have reached adulthood never being taught so by their parents. People can work it out on their own rarely but you as his partner cannot teach him the things his mother didn't.

Fairenuff Tue 23-Jul-13 13:54:19

Yes, don't try to teach him. Don't show him how to work the washing machine. He can figure it out for himself or he can go and ask his mum.

Also, if he is at yours most of the time, tell him that you expect him to provide a family meal, say, three times a week. If it doesn't fit in with his schedule he will have to adjust his schedule won't he. If he doesn't then you know where his priorities lie.

All his actions will tell you want kind of a man his is. He has a great opportunity to mature here, it's up to him if he takes it or not.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat Tue 23-Jul-13 14:03:04

Gosh you guys are very difficult to please.

And you seemed too easily pleased OP sad - so is great to see the penny has dropped for you and that you realise you are worth so much more. I think Fairenuff's advice is spot on, but I do fear he is going to start treating you as a "nag" because people who have reached adulthood as freeloaders always do when someone calls them on it.

And you know what? If he does, it won't matter, because you already know you don't want, need, require or deserve a cocklodger in your life (which is what he is) and you will G.E.T. R.I.D. Isn't that right OP?

flowers flowers flowers

ElephantsAndMiasmas Tue 23-Jul-13 15:39:27

Well that's a good start OP. He doesn't have to love it - after all, do any of us sing and dance with delight at having to make the beds or go to the shops? The key is to just ignore his faces and treat it as if him doing stuff, i.e. participating in the household in which he spends most of his time, is normal.

Have you got an answer on how many nights/days a week he'll be at football yet?

tygertygerburningbright Tue 23-Jul-13 16:50:28

He has quit two teams so it will be three nights a week now. And I put my foot down and said no Saturday matches.

I showed him a few comments on this thread re the housework/contribution thing. He wasn't happy at first and did say I was always 'having a go' but we had a long chat and he does seem to see it from my point of view more. I told him he has to learn all these skills sooner or later and if he wants to be with me he had better learn them now. I think it was a bit of a culture shock to him that I expected him to help out, because as you have all said, he hasn't had to lift a finger before.

Fairenuff Tue 23-Jul-13 19:40:56

Sounds like you are getting there, time will tell. Try not to refer to housework as 'helping' you though. He is not 'mummy's little helper' he is an adult who needs clean clothes - so he needs to wash and iron them, who needs to eat - so he needs to shop for food and cook it, etc.

He is not helping you, he is taking care of himself.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat Tue 23-Jul-13 19:51:15

YYYYY Fairenuff !

How old is this manchild?

StillSeekingSpike Tue 23-Jul-13 20:19:25

It's kind of funny/ tragic that he can't make the effort to see you but he can make damn sure his kit gets dropped off and picked up....

I can see you becoming the next 'Ex Girlfriend who was Really Controlling and Never Let me Do Anything' to some other poor mug with a nice house and good laundry skills.....

He plays for more than one county? hmm

Bloody hell, how much traveling does this bloke do?

He's not playing on Saturdays now, really? hmm.

Most football mad men love w/e football more than PL stuff, I'm amazed he agreed to give it up on your instruction.

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