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Am I being too hard on DP

(96 Posts)
HappyandSad Sun 21-Jul-13 18:26:48

Hi ,
Just looking for some advice. I have one DC aged 4 months. I am on Mat leave and my DP works full time 9-5. I dont live near any family (moved to be with DP)and am not the best at making friends in my old(ish) age. I have a few things that are annoying me and I dont know if IABU or not so please tell me how you see it.
1. DP used to put DC to sleep on week nights and I would get to bed early so I would get a few hours in before night feed ( DC still does atleast 1 night feed sometimes 2) but recently he only does it maybe once a week because he says I am better at getting DC to sleep.
2. He wont give DC a bath as again he is not as good as me, I have tried to show him how but he just acts stupid and doesn't hold DC right and for some reason DC freaks out when he does it.
3. He goes out twice a week and has done since DC was born , I asked him this weekend not to go as I was feeling a bit down and missing human contact but he just started a fight with me and went out.
4. Any time I have been upset or crying because I am finding lack of sleep and demands hard on me he doesn't comfort me.
5.When he gets home from work he just throws his clothes on the floor and expects me to pick them up. I have tried leaving them there and tidying around them but he will leave them there forever. I do all his washing and ironing so I guess it is for me to pick up?
6. I do all of the housework except maybe he will wash the dishes one of the days on a weekend.
7. Friday nights are supposed to be for me to get a full nights sleep and he looks after DC but last two weeks he has been too tired.

Should he help out a little around the house? When I complain he points out he works full time.
I just want some time for myself once every month just 2-3 hours and when I ask for this he gets pissy. Am I wrong? Again he points out he works full time and needs time for himself.
I feel isolated, lonely and a little like what I am doing at home looking after DC counts for nothing. (Just like to point out I have a very beautiful, happy , loving baby who does suffer from some reflux)
So am I being too hard if I tell him he needs to support me more?
I have spoken to mum about this and she says he needs to help more and has asked me if maybe I am a bit depressed.
Sorry its so long and a bit all over the place.

motherinferior Sun 21-Jul-13 18:28:34

He sounds horrible.

Hawkmoth Sun 21-Jul-13 18:33:30

1-7 He's being selfish and bordering on cruel.

What you do 9-5 is equally importantly to his job. The rest you should share.

He should WANT to be involved, he should UNDERSTAND that you need a break.

Doha Sun 21-Jul-13 18:36:38

Could you point out that you "work" full time too..infact more than full time looking after the house and DC without a break.
He needs to man up and be a partner to you and a dad to your DC.

I would be downing tools and looking after yourself and your DC if he wont help. No cooking laundry etc until he pulls his weight nad shares some responsibility.

How is he coping with fatherhood in general? IS he finding it tough? Does he spend time with the DC at all? Or is he just a self centered twat?

HappyandSad Sun 21-Jul-13 18:36:44

I should have said he does play with baby and loves him very much .

AuntyPippaAndUncleHarry Sun 21-Jul-13 18:37:13

IMHO he should be doing more with DC and more to support you on a practical level (washing up, bathing baby etc) as well as emotionally. Having a new baby is really hard work and does put a different dynamic on a relationship. The baby's needs impact on both of you. Try and talk to him, and see if you could split things more evenly. On a separate note, if you are feeling isolated and not yourself maybe speak to your HV or GP about post-natal depression. Good luck to you. Babies do get easier (or so everyone tells me!)

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sun 21-Jul-13 18:39:37

He is an arse.

My DH works long hours, he is out of the house for 12+ hours a day. He does 50% of the childcare when he isn't at work, and he takes a share in the housework, cooking and general running of the home.

I do more than him, but I am here all the time, and we try to keep weekends clear for family time, days out and general relaxation.

HappyandSad Sun 21-Jul-13 18:39:44

I have pointed out that I work full time all day and all night but he doesn't seem to think that's as hard as his job. He really is great with DC but not good at the practical things like helping me.

misskatamari Sun 21-Jul-13 18:40:45

He definitely needs to support you more. It's awful that he has agreed to doing things to help you (bed and bath, Friday nights etc) and then doesn't do it. Dropping his clothes is disrespectful - he is a grown man and you are his wife not his skivvy!

You need to have a sit down with him and calmly explain what you need him to help with. He needs to understand that just because you don't do out to work you aren't busy. The household is a joint responsibility and he should be working with you to build a happy family unit. In terms of bath time and bed time he needs to get over the excuse of "you do it better" - practice make perfect. I would be mindful when going over routines etc with him to avoid criticising that he is doing things "wrong" just because it might be different to how you do it as that could be very disheartening as it feels crap to be criticised (I'm not saying you do this but I know some people get annoyed that their partner doesn't do things "right" or up to their standards and obviously that can lead to bad feelings and resentment etc).

It is perfectly reasonable for you to need some time to yourself and it is plain selfish of him to try and deny you that. He needs to realise he is a father now and that his responsibility is to his family - that means taking equal responsibility for his child and supporting his wife!

Good luck with him, he needs a kick up the arse!

HappyandSad Sun 21-Jul-13 18:41:24

I am worried that if I admit I am feeling a bit low I will be viewed as a bad mother.

motherinferior Sun 21-Jul-13 18:43:58

Well actually you're low because he's a crap father.

Go out for the day and leave him with the baby. You'll return to chaos but it might make him more appreciative. He loves the baby so much I'm sure he'll be delighted to prove that he's more than just a fair-weather father... smile

motherinferior Sun 21-Jul-13 18:45:47

And do stop picking up and washing his stuff. Really not your problem.

Moxiegirl Sun 21-Jul-13 18:46:02

I work f/t and dp is a sahd. He does more than me because he is here, but we both get to go out regularly and when I'm at home we share the childcare.
Your dp sounds very selfish sad

HappyandSad Sun 21-Jul-13 18:48:08

Tallwivglasses I was half thinking of doing that today I was so fed up bur think I'd miss my DC of I went out for a whole day.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Sun 21-Jul-13 18:52:10

A bloke writes: 9-5? NINE TO FUCKING FIVE? He's a part-timer. When DD was born I worked 11 days out of 14, 10-15 hours a day (or night) and I lived for the chance to do bathtime. And winding, and nappies, and taking her in the pram so DW could sleep. Because I had wanted to be a Dad, and being Dad meant being an adult. Oh, and babies love whoever plays with them.

Now she's nearly grown DW & I are getting childish again. Motorbikes! Heavy drinking! DTD in the afternoon!

He wants that stuff back, he'll have to wait like everybody else.

HappyandSad Sun 21-Jul-13 19:04:24

Good to get a males pov, thanks . I have tried to explain all this to him but he always manages to twist the conversation around and making me feel sorry for him .

ImperialBlether Sun 21-Jul-13 19:06:21

Maybe now's the time to remind him that if he doesn't step up to the plate then he'll be a weekend father. He behaves disgustingly to you, just throwing his things around and expecting you to pick them up. That is so disrespectful.

Earthworms Sun 21-Jul-13 19:15:59

He's a nob.

I work ft. Dh is at home. When i get in from work ( at 7pm 12 hrs inc commute) i pitch in and we both sort the backlog of jobs till they are done. Then we both sit down.
There are some jobs he hates and wont do. Hoovering, for instance or cleaning the bath, I will touch neither the dishwasher or washing machine smile fairs fair. Tho I might cook if I'm feeling generous hungry

Only when it's all done and small children settled do I piss off out for some me time. Exercise in my case. And only if he is happy to hold the fort. Not if anyone's ill or anything.

Point being, running the house is everyone's job. Regardless of whal you also happen to contribute financially.

OxfordBags Sun 21-Jul-13 19:17:18

OP, ask him this: if what you do 24-7 is so easy, especially compared to his paid job, then how come he finds it so fucking difficult? How come it's too much for him? He can't have it both ways; it can't be too hard when he does it, but a piece of piss that's not real work when you do it. It's either easy for both of you, which means he should be doing a lot more OR it's hard for both of you, which means that if he loves and respects you and his child, then he should want to shoulder the burden.

He is absolutely taking the fucking piss. He should be doing 50-50 once he comes home from work.

Incidentally, I am not of the 'leave him alone with the Dc for a day whilst you go out, that'll teach him' school. As you say, you'd just miss him too much, but also, a young baby who is with you virtually all the time is going to be freaked out and upset by being away from you for ages. And it doesn't really solve anything; he should WANT to help you, not have stunts pulled to try to shock him into reaching adulthood.

CottonWoolCandy Sun 21-Jul-13 19:31:47

he should WANT to help you

You are not being too hard on him. He is being an arse. Nip it in the bud right now because it will only get worse. Don't listen to any excuses about his tiredness, about the baby being more settled with you, about him being better when baby is older, etc, etc. They are all excuses.
I don't know if you're depressed or not, but you will be exhausted and you don't need the stress of trying to cajole your dp into playing his part. Think about how you would be treating him if the roles were reversed.
It's so hard when the dcs are tiny - take all the support your dm can offer but don't view her as a substitute for your dp pulling his weight.

Ifcatshadthumbs Sun 21-Jul-13 19:38:30

DH worked 6 days this week I am a SAHM both my children are now at school. so far today I had a lie in, dh got up with the dc's. DH went to bed for a nap this afternoon I entertained the boys and did a bit of cleaning. DH made the dc's dinner and is now putting ds2 to bed whilst I do our dinner.

HappyandSad Sun 21-Jul-13 19:52:32

Unfortunately my mom can only offer me support over the phone since we are in different countries , I wish she lives down the roadsad

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Sun 21-Jul-13 19:59:18

Please do keep your work after your mat leave. He is not behaving well now, I would dread your lot if you were financially dependent on him.

Get out and make friends. You need a contact network and support, if nay someone to e for tea. It does take time, but it is worth trying. Any chance of meeting parents from your country? Sometimes being of the same nationality, hobby, etc speeds up the friendship.

AnotherStitchInTime Sun 21-Jul-13 20:03:13

No you are not being hard enough. He is a selfish arse.

DH had a rare weekend off this weekend after weeks of 6 day working plus overtime so 10 hour days in a very physical outdoor job. Yesterday he cooked dinner and washed up and played with the kids while I napped. Today he took the kids out for 3 hours so I could have some 'me' time. Even on the 6 day weeks he cooked on his day off and gave me a lie in if dd2 had a bad night.

Put all the dirty clothes he leaves on the floor in a black bag, do not wash them. If they don't make it to the wash basket they don't get washed. If he runs out of boxers then tough. You are not his skivvy.

HappyandSad Sun 21-Jul-13 20:04:50

Frequent this is something I have thought about but I can't imagine if he not helping now when I'm back working full time will I also be doing all house work and all the caring for DC. Ill be exhausted! And that's i good idea about meeting people like that. I seem to have lost my skills in making friends the last few years

Vivacia Sun 21-Jul-13 20:19:16

Either you've lost the skills, or he's leached them from you.

Sit him down and tell him what he needs to do. Write it out if necessary so you remember everything.

Ooh these threads make me so angry.

Golferman Sun 21-Jul-13 20:31:28

I was just musing over this thread as my wife and I were talking about our grandkids (youngest is 7 months old) and the fact that his mum doesn't really like her husband or anyone else doing stuff for her with the baby. My wife mentioned that when our three boys were young were babies she felt the same and very protective towards the babies. In those days I probably didn't do as much as I could have to share the childcare, household chores etc but as you get older (i'm 60 and we have been together 40 years) I think your perspective on respective roles changes; for example for the past god knows how many years I have done the cooking (my first job was a chef), all the shopping,washing and my own ironing and share the other household chores equally. I think from a male perspective you only change once you 'see the light' and don't regard the childcare and household stuff as purely a 'female thing'; it took me a good fifteen years to realise that.

Just my opinion and experience (and my first post on the site too)

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Sun 21-Jul-13 20:44:22

Please OP, do not worry about being exhausted. Worry about being trapped. Your family is abroad. What would you do without earnings?

Also, it would give you ammunition to share household chores.

Flicktheswitch Sun 21-Jul-13 20:53:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappyandSad Sun 21-Jul-13 21:13:51

Good point I often worry lately if we split up what would happen . I'd be completely alone and trapped in this country . My job is very demanding physically I have been considering looking at using my skills to move into a more office based position . If I did that I wouldn't be so exhausted. I better use my time wisely on mat leave. Also think ill talk to my HV let her know where I'm at emotionally see if they can offer support. They don't think bad of you for feeling a but down do they?

HappyandSad Sun 21-Jul-13 21:15:42

Golferman thanks for your reply as I said earlier great to get a male pov.
Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to reply.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Sun 21-Jul-13 21:20:48

When looking at cost of childcare and returning to work, please do not forget that both of you are paying for childcare, not just you, otherwise, it may tilt the choice towards SAH, which works well for many but what you have described of your life at home so far would worry me.

Look at your options. Would you be abe to go back part time or apply to different jobs?

HappyandSad Sun 21-Jul-13 21:27:51

Yeah he has said my salary will just cover childcare so there not much point . I guess I just accepted that where as I should be thinking its half each. I can go back part time .

Pilgit Sun 21-Jul-13 21:29:44

Any hv worth their salt will support you find the help you need. No wonder you're feeling low, you are isolated from your suppport network, your dp is being a dick and you're tired. Add to that the lack of adult contact and it's a recipe for pnd. It does not make you a bad mother or person. Fwiw his attitude sucks.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Sun 21-Jul-13 21:32:36

Incidentally, I mentioned the two nights out a week to DW: "I'd have told your brothers, and they'd have asked which leg you wanted broken".

Twattergy Sun 21-Jul-13 21:37:55

He has to share bath and bed time chores with you. Engineer a reason one evening when you have to be outfrom 6 til 8 and he'll have to do it. Then take it in turns from there. Get a bath seat so that there is no issue around holding the baby incorrectly. He needs to realise that he does have the skills to do these things and that he must share these tasks with you.

karinmaria Sun 21-Jul-13 21:38:34

OP, your DH really isn't pulling his weight. I am on mat leave and have a 4 month old too - he's much like yours, a great good natured baby. However I still get loads of help from my DH. He does bath time and feeds when he can, and his days off are split 50:50 as he sees it as time off for both of us. My DH works 10-14 hour shifts, so at random times, and does 6 days on, 4 days off.

I do as much housework as I can get done but we invariably spend one day off sorting the flat. He would never chuck his clothes on the floor (well, not intentionally - sometimes he's so tired he literally falls into bed. The clothes are in the wash basket the next day though).

Your DH needs to understand the term mat 'leave' is highly misleading and you're actually working very hard on little sleep. Therefore he needs to do more and stop making shit excuses about parenting (and stop going out twice a week!! Argh).

Your HV won't think badly of you for asking for help. In the earlier weeks when DH was struggling and I was downright exhausted both of us spent time with our HV and felt very supported by her.

Also head out to some mum and baby groups. Where I am (north west London) there are free groups run by the NCT, local children's centres (ask your HV for details), libraries and random adverts in cafe windows and on notice boards. There are plenty of 'older' mums too. It's much easier yo chat to people when you've both got a baby as there is automatic common ground.

karinmaria Sun 21-Jul-13 21:40:44

Disgrace I very much like the sound of you and your DW!

HappyandSad Sun 21-Jul-13 21:52:43

Lol at disgrace smile I think ill call my HV tomorrow . The area I'm in the classes and coffee morning s are in like a community centre and only during term time . But DC is now old enough for the baby gym so I going to start that .

Apileofballyhoo Sun 21-Jul-13 22:29:23

He sounds very very selfish. Are you together long? Do not give up your job. He really needs to take a good hard look at himself and his behaviour.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Sun 21-Jul-13 22:39:52

He is a very very selfish man, a pig for dropping his clothes on the floor and a bully.

When DC was first born my DH worked much longer hours than that and then came home and cooked us a meal every night because I was exhausted / anaemic and had a non-sleeping EBF baby. We went out together at weekends - parks, lunches, friends, restaurants. He did most of the non-BF childcare (baths, changing, playing) when he was in the house and he loved it. You deserve much better than that.

It is good you are getting out and meeting people but your DH needs to know his behaviour is unacceptable. Try the MN Local boards as well.

Agree that you need to keep financially independent as well:
- Childcare comes out of BOTH of your salaries
- Even if it means that you only just cover the childcare costs you are still making NI contributions, potential pension contributions and keeping your skills up to date - plus you should be getting help with childcare as well through certain government schemes.
- it will only get worse if you are a SAH with this sort of man who does not respect the work you do to keep the family and home going.


HappyandSad Sun 21-Jul-13 22:57:18

We are together 4 years. He wasn't as bad before I went on mat leave .

joanofarchitrave Sun 21-Jul-13 23:05:47

If he chucks his clothes on the floor and you ignore them, it's you who have to live daily with his shit on the floor (as well as the symbolism of his attitude to you when he dropped them). So if he drops them on the floor, pick them up and sling them out of the window.

ReginaPhilangie Sun 21-Jul-13 23:09:14

Not only is he a selfish arse he has absolutely no respect for you. What was he like before you had the baby? What was he like during your pregnancy? Because I'm guessing he was similar just not as bad? And now that you're completely vulnerable he's stepped it up a notch. I agree with Tondelayohe is also a bully.

Is going home to your mum with DC for a break an option?

grounddown Sun 21-Jul-13 23:27:16

I am in a very similar situation to you and I am so frustrated my love for P had turned into sheer resentment. I leaving him, he doesn't know it yet but I'm looking at a property on Tuesday and will do an application and be out in a month. I just can't do it anymore.
He had never put a child to bed, he doesn't cook, he very rarely looks after the kids and if he does he puts peppa pig on and carries on doing his own thing - he's just a pain in my ass, my life will be easier without him.

It costs me more in childcare than I earn at work but I do 2 days a week to keep me same, my kids are 6 months and just gone 2.

Best of luck in whatever you choose to do, it's really hard being in a relationship with someone who doesn't give what you give.

HappyandSad Mon 22-Jul-13 02:12:54

Grounddown you sound very brave.?i hope everything will work out for you? I'm sure you asked for support many times and never got it ?? Or did he do stuff for a few days and stop? Just wanting a point of reference as I spoke with DP tonight and he said he would try harder around house he didn't sound convincing tbh . I can't be sure if he said it to shut me up or he means it

Vivacia Mon 22-Jul-13 06:33:13

Did you spell out exactly what "more around the house" looks like? If not, there's still time to write it out as a helpful reminder.

Well done on talking to him about it.

misskatamari Mon 22-Jul-13 09:04:32

I would definitely be inclined to be very specific with him (you need to do x,y and z) so that there is no excuse for him not doing things. When we first moved in together I would get so pissed off with DH as I felt like I did everything so I made a list of everything that needed doing and we sat down and talked it through and divided it up. It's not perfect obviously but it helps to both be on the same page.

HappyandSad Mon 22-Jul-13 09:09:40

He got up for work this morning and has left kitchen and bathroom in a mess and a wet towel on the bed! I was specific last night I said to pick up after himself do the dishes at least 3 times a week, put baby to sleep 3 nights a week( building up to it being a routine for him and DC) . I thought that would be enough to start.

Vivacia Mon 22-Jul-13 09:29:22

Well if that's what you said, he's stuck to it. Make sure he does the dishes tonight, set the routine to be that one cleans the kitchen and does the dishes whilst the other puts baby to bed.

Don't worry about having to spell out every single thing. It's easy to feel resentful when you feel, "I had to figure it out" but other people aren't mind readers. Just don't fall in to the trap of rescuing him at the first sign of faux struggling.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Mon 22-Jul-13 09:48:47

Oh shit.

OP: how do you get on with your ILs? I'm thinking he's going to have to choose a leg.

Seriously, he's just dissed you big time. He's starting to do what the abusers do: assume your vulnerability means you won't kick off. His "try harder" means "I'm not going to do it, but I'll keep giving you excuses until you stop asking".

Make a big heap of his shit, and when he gets home tell he him he has 90 minutes to get the house spotless and get dinner on the table. Then take DC to the park.

misskatamari Mon 22-Jul-13 09:55:11

That's great that you spelled it out Happy. Lets hope this morning was just a blip (I know when I'm getting ready for work I just bung stuff back in the kitchen and don't even think about being tidy). I know it must be a pain as you're at home all day seeing it when he has left a mess.

I think it is really easy to get frustrated when a partner isn't pulling their weight and just doesn't seem to "see" the mess or understand that there aren't magical fairies that stick the cupboards and do the washing - it's actually you working bloody hard to do it! I've had many a tiff with DH about tidying etc but with time he's gotten pretty good at splitting the load. He often needs telling what to do though as he often doesn't seem to see what I see when we look at the house e.g I see a pile of clothes - I bung em in the wash. He doesn't usually. I also had to learn to be less narky about having things done on my schedule e.g if I ask him to do something he will - but it might happen a bit slower than I would like (how anyone can take about 40 mins to wash up I do not know!) or he'll do what I ask but maybe not straight away (even though I'm tearing my hair out just wanting it done).

Just keep communicating with DH what you need help with and hopefully he will get into good habits and you won't need to constantly remind. I also find a sincere "thank you, I really appreciate you doing this" can work wonders. Some may argue against that as he "should be doing it anyway" and yes, he should buy showing that you appreciate what each other does goes a long way (and hopefully will help him to be a bit more appreciative and kind with regards to everything you do).

Lets hope tonight he makes himself useful!

Crocodilio Mon 22-Jul-13 10:04:06

Practically: when my now ex-dp did this, one of my coping strategies was to buy a large trunk that looked nice in the bedroom, and anything he left lying around upstairs went into it - clothes, screwdrivers, towels, dirty and clean. I didn't see why I had to be everyone's skivvy (and I worked full-time too). It didn't work though, he remains in a pig sty, however now I don't have to share it.

motherinferior Mon 22-Jul-13 10:11:10

It's not needing help. It's doing his share.

"He got up for work this morning and has left kitchen and bathroom in a mess and a wet towel on the bed! "

He has just told you how it is, hasnt he? He is a shit.

If I were you, I would take baby, and go home for a holiday.

Tell him you want the baby to have a passport so you can go and visit your parents. Take a holiday at home and decide what you want to do. You dont have to be trapped in this country!

HappyandSad Mon 22-Jul-13 10:34:40

I can't go for a holiday as he said he would report me for kidnapping , this was said during a fight recently when I said I needed to see my family. I know he doesn't mean to be such a dick well I hope he doesn't . Maybe he finding being a farther harder than he thought?

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Mon 22-Jul-13 11:03:43

Oh God.

It isn't just the housework, is it?

I'm stepping away now. Vipers: the OP needs you.

HappyandSad Mon 22-Jul-13 11:19:25

Disgrace you are right it's not just the housework but if he supported me more things would be much easier.?!?!

grounddown Mon 22-Jul-13 11:27:16

I've asked for support a million times, I've cried when I'm too exhausted to ask and it makes no difference. He says that he will do the next night then comes up with an excuse why he can't. He tells me he will help more, he might spend an hour deep cleaning the kitchen but that's not what I want him to do, I want him to take responsibility for his family for once and take the kids out for the day so I can have some time to myself.
It's my own fault for putting up with it, he was the same with my first child and when I found out I was pg with DS he said he would change (after I refused his request to terminate) and be more hands on so like a twat I believed him but guess what, even when I had a throat infection and a D&V bug when DS was 5 weeks old he managed to find an excuse not to do a single night feed.

Some men can change and I'm certainly not a man basher but mine can't and so yet again it's my responsibility to make a decision to better my situation.

grounddown Mon 22-Jul-13 11:32:19

The long and short of it is you shouldn't have to beg your partner for anything, certainly not to look after their own child. I am not brave, I am just tired and desperate to make a change.
I am dreading being on my own with the kids because its bloody hard work but I refuse to be treated like a twat anymore, I really hope your man can change and u must give him chance to before you do anything drastic like leaving (IMO)

cestlavielife Mon 22-Jul-13 11:37:12

"I can't go for a holiday as he said he would report me for kidnapping , this was said during a fight recently when I said I needed to see my family"

you are on maternity leave - take your baby for a holiday to see your family, invite dh to come visit too but you have every right to go fo three four weeeks while you on mat leave.

if he is stopping you visiting your family you have serious problems here .

buy a return ticket and go visit your family.
while there, consider everything.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Mon 22-Jul-13 15:06:47

OP, there is a lot going on, isn't there. I thought he might discount your job. But a job is also a career. It is NI payments, retirement money, etc.

Am I right to understand that you are not married? He is asking a lot from you without any security on his part. Also, I am not sure he has any right to say where you can go. Call your embassy if unsure. Get facts.

I am very sorry. Often things change after the birth of the first baby, as one partner becomes dependent on the other.

There are many red flags waving here.

What would you like to do?

You can break your isolation and talk in confidence to your HV or women's aid. I think their number does not show up on the phone bill.

Keep talking and getting out there, to people in RL.

HappyandSad Mon 22-Jul-13 17:17:30

Frequent the thing is I'm not dependant on him for money right now I still pay for everything I did before mat leave ( I saved for a while) but that does leave me with no money for me. He does earn double what I earn though so it would be nice if I could have some me money too.
I want him to just help and if he is finding it hard being a dad just to talk about it and we can get help together. I'm going to see my HV tomorrow .

Vivacia Mon 22-Jul-13 17:32:41

"It would be nice"??

motherinferior Mon 22-Jul-13 17:40:11

Sweetie, I've adjusted my opinion of him. He sounds really horrible. You're being ripped off in every possible way angry

karinmaria Mon 22-Jul-13 18:46:46

So you're currently on maternity leave and therefore looking after your baby and house full time (24/7). Your H is working full time (9-5/5). You are using your savings whilst your H earns more and has a higher disposable income. You do not get a break (when was the last time you were able to enjoy a bath or a trashy magazine for example?) but he goes out twice a week and does not do any childcare or housework after work or at weekends.

See how that just doesn't work? Your baby and house are joint - you both created and share them.

Just out of interest, who pays your mortgage, bills, joint food and baby items such as nappies?

misskatamari Mon 22-Jul-13 19:17:27

Hmmm, my opinion is also starting to change motherinferior. The money thing is really odd in my opinion. Surely when it comes to maternity leave and being parents the money you earn is shared household money? I can't imagine it being "mine and his" when DH and I have our baby as we are a family and the money we earn is for our family. It is awful that you are expected to keep paying for things when you are on maternity leave and vastly reduced pay!

HappyandSad Mon 22-Jul-13 19:27:44

I pay for half of everything including mortgage ( in his name tho) and I buy all of DC clothes put of my own money simply because DP thinks most of the clothes are a waste of money , he may be right I like to have DC looking smart. After writing this all down and reading your replies I'm starting to think wtf am I doinghmm

karinmaria Mon 22-Jul-13 19:37:50

You pay half the mortgage yet it's in his name?! There is some scary inequality in your relationship. I'm certainly not an expert and can't really advise you on next steps but it all sounds like you're not getting anything from being with this man (do you laugh? Enjoy the weekends together as a family? Does he do anything nice for you at all?), apart from your lovely baby of course.

I'm so angry on your behalf OP. Not that it is particularly helpful.

Vivacia Mon 22-Jul-13 19:39:17

I just want to give you a hug. I'm also wondering wtf you're doing. What do you want to happen?

karinmaria Mon 22-Jul-13 19:43:01

Just to give you an idea of what we do in our marriage (which has taken work!): my DH and I pay half each of all mortgage, bills, food, baby essentials, car etc. This takes up pretty much all of my maternity pay so the rest of DH's salary is 'ours'. It goes into a joint account and we discuss what treats we spend each month e.g. He goes to the gym and does a martial art, I need a new dress for a wedding that's coming up. Anything left over goes into our moving house fund.

misskatamari Mon 22-Jul-13 19:54:44

How has he been tonight Happy? Any luck with the bath and bed routine?

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Mon 22-Jul-13 19:59:00

OK. By paying half the mortgage you have a claim in equity against half the value of the house. You also have a right to reside there while DC is your dependent. After all, he isn't interested

Unless you can get H to stop being a twunt, you need to see a solicitor. It is that bad, trust me. I have two female friends who have been reduced to beggary by utter bastards, and I can smell it on your H. One of the friends lost her house because her H "neglected" to put her on the title deeds.


HappyandSad Mon 22-Jul-13 20:00:51

Karin I would like the set up you have. He does make me laugh and can be really sweet but since DC not so much. The best thing he has given me is the joy I get from my sweet little DC . I have forwarded him some links on how to adjust to the role of dad and support me and am considering showing him this thread. I was going to show him info on PND but I'm afraid he will then use that as an excuse IYSWIM. I have handed him DC 10 mins ago and told him to put him asleep he looks like a scared child , not very impressed with me I'm sure he will hand him back soon .
Thanks to everyone for the nice messages it means a lot to me

HappyandSad Mon 22-Jul-13 20:01:42

Miss I did the bath

HappyandSad Mon 22-Jul-13 20:05:00

Disgrace I worry about if I have a right to house I having being paying for mortgage for 3 years and yeah I have considered seeing a solicitor just so I can stabs up for myself a bit more and show I know what I'm entitled too. Not that I would want his house but if the shut hits the fans I'd like to know I'd still have somewhere to live with baby.

Dramamama Mon 22-Jul-13 20:07:39

Tell him your going to your mums for the weekend leave him to do everything you normally do and see if he still feels like what he does is harder wink x

Vivacia Mon 22-Jul-13 20:10:11

You could start another thread, tell us what you want us to say, and then show him that. For example, a) ask us to describe the arrangement in our families and b) what we'd do with the arrangement you describe.

karinmaria Mon 22-Jul-13 20:18:34

I do like Vivacia's idea as that thread may have slightly less opinionated words on it like twunt!

It did take some time for my DH to come round to my more joint way of thinking but he's so pleased we did it now the baby is here. DH now sees us as a family unit rather than two separate people.

I'm so sorry your H isn't stepping up to the plate. Personally I think he sounds controlling (the thing about reporting you for kidnap should you do the very normal thing of taking baby to your parents for a bit for example) and disrespectful to you. I'll keep my fingers crossed he did bedtime tonight but sadly I think it'll be in vain.

HappyandSad Mon 22-Jul-13 20:22:07

DC been handed back to me hmm well at least I get cuddles!!

Earthworms Mon 22-Jul-13 20:22:13

Call his bluff on going to your mums. You absolutely need a break, and some help.

He won't let you take the baby? Great, he needs to book 3 weeks off work and do sole charge then.

And can start practicing now.

Yeah right.

Though it really doesn't feel like it, you are in a strong position. Think of yourself Like a boss that needs to make someone redundant. There's you who does all the work, or him, bullying idle slacker. Tough choice. Not.

karinmaria Mon 22-Jul-13 20:31:40

Baby cuddles are amazing smile

Ugh that he didn't do bedtime though. Any reason why?

Keep thinking about something else you said - that you wouldn't want to tell him about PND because he'd use it against you or as an excuse. That's horrid and makes me feel sad for you.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Mon 22-Jul-13 20:37:54

I am glad you are seeing your HV tomorrow.

I would be prudent about showing him this thread. Apart from posting here, you are pretty much isolated.

You do need some protection. You are being financially taken advantage of. You should not be using savings when he earns more.

He had down graded you to some homemaker role. It could all end happily but not by itself.

So if tomorrow he falls for a work colleague, or under the bus, you are homeless.

There are a lot of title things converging to a bigger picture where he does not respect you or imagine you as a long term equal.

motherinferior Mon 22-Jul-13 20:46:04

So he hasn't done bath and bed, and he left the place a mess. Your talk got nowhere.

misskatamari Mon 22-Jul-13 21:09:05

He really needs to step up and be a father to his child. That means being able to do bath and bed without your help. TOUGH if he finds it tricky at first - it is his responsibility as a father ! He can't just give up and hand DC to you - how is that going to get him anywhere. He needs to spend time with your child bonding with him an stop being so bloody lazy and defeatist!

HappyandSad Mon 22-Jul-13 21:10:52

smile at earthworms, nice way to look at it .
Reason for him not putting him to bed was because DC freaked out I seem to be better at calming him.
And yes it does seen my talk got me no where but maybe he needs a day or two to get used to the idea of helping out ?!?
I just want to be happy again and not worry about any if this .
I really would give anything to see my family. I wonder if I just booked tickets would he really call police or is he bluffing.

misskatamari Mon 22-Jul-13 21:14:38

Could you do bath time together for a few days and help him to settle DC? I know it must be hard for DH if he feels like he doesn't know what he is doing but he does need to keep trying.

It is awful that he doesn't want you to see your family. You need to explain to him that it is something you have to do - and the mentioning of kidnap is just ludicrous - I would be asking him why a thought like that would even cross his mind!

Hopefully he will come round and pull his weight!

Vivacia Mon 22-Jul-13 21:28:00

This is not a way to live. Needing a day or two to get used to the idea of being a dad who wants to care for his child? A man who threatens his wife if she thinks about seeking support from her own mother?

HappyandSad Mon 22-Jul-13 21:35:21

Miss I have explained to him step by step what needs to be done with bath eg how to clean certain areas how to dry properly and how to use oil afterwards I have also shown him and tried to coach him but not in a condescending way I tell him to have fun and play with baby as well. My DC loves the water.
I think if I can talk to HV maybe they can offer him support too ?!
If I do gave mild PND what would they do?? I'm quite scared to talk about it with HV

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Mon 22-Jul-13 21:48:06

OP, the problem is not you, honestly.

If you have mild PND, they will direct you to the GP I believe. I am not sure what sort of support they would provide your DP. I am not aware that kicks in the back are offered on the NHS.

I wonder if the situation was reversed, if he lost his job and you had yours still, what would he think of washing, cleaning, running the home, child minding and picking up your dirty clothes off the floor, wash them, pay bills from his savings until they run dry?

Please do get help for yourself, and legal advice about your rights travelling abroad with your DD. I would recommend you also add your name on the house deeds. Your DP is not going to change unless he has a reason to, tbh. A frank conversation is needed. And actions to prove he thinks of you as a team.

misskatamari Mon 22-Jul-13 21:58:46

Happy, good luck with your HV tomorrow - she is there to support you and I'm sure you will feel lots better if you speak to her. I think with PND they would refer you to your GP. If you think you may be suffering then its important you speak to them so they can help support you through it. You're doing a great job and obviously care a great deal for your family. Big hugs

NeedlesCuties Tue 23-Jul-13 08:55:59

Did you move from your home country to live in DP's home country? Or did you both move to a different country? Is there a difference of culture between you two?

Sorry for all the questions, but I'm trying to work out if he's trying to isolate you (by distancing you from your family), and if he thinks house tasks are not 'man's work' (you said he earns double what you earn, so I'm assuming he doesn't have a learning difficulty which would render him unable to do chore)

motherinferior Tue 23-Jul-13 12:47:39

Please stop making excuses for him. He doesn't need 'time to adjust'. He just needs to start doing his share of looking after his child. He needs to do his share of the housework. To stop threatening you if you want to go to see your mother. And to stop exploiting you financially.

You are not his slave and DC is his child, not your occupation.

This is bad. You need to be monitoring and thinking about his beaviour and what is acceptable to you a lot. Also agree 9-5 is easy job hours(sorry!).

You also need to get involved in the community around you. Are there some mother and baby groups?

Jan45 Tue 23-Jul-13 17:03:40

He's acting like a single man and definitely doesn't see you two as equal, he needs to grow up and act like a man and a father, possibly he can't, therefore you will know what you have to do, does he think it's the 18th Century???

He goes out 2 nights a week, when do you get a night off, does he ever take you out anywhere, sounds like he doesn't do anything apart from indulge his own pleasures.

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