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please help me respond sensibly!? FURIOUS

(74 Posts)
omgitcantbetrue Sat 20-Jul-13 19:56:17

When dh and I met he told me about a female friend of his who had an obsession with him!?

In between girlfriends he would get together with her.I think he took advantage .By all accounts she had an obsession.Many of his friends confirmed some very odd behaviour.

When we decided to have a family I made it clear I didnt want this woman around .It was agreed.

He has told me that he has used her in the past when relationships broke down.He is not proud of this, but that is how it is .

100% by accident I saw a text on his phone from her last night.It turns out that he has been in touch for a couple of weeks.Gone to the establishment she works at with a mutual friend and have been in touch.She asked him for an item he sells and he obliged.Essentially the friendship has restarted without my knowledge.

How does a sane normal person react to this please

Hassled Sat 20-Jul-13 20:00:39

Well, she approached him, rather than vice versa, presumably a lot of time has passed since they were shagging, he hasn't seen her alone. Yes, he should definitely have told you but presumably didn't because he knew you'd be livid rather than because he has any bad intent.

So be cross, but unless you really really think there is bad intent then don't be furious. He fucked up in not telling you, but that's the extent of it.

MrsWolowitz Sat 20-Jul-13 20:01:54

He needs to know that you know and be held accountable and made to explain.

I'm sorry, you must be hurt and confused sad

cheerfulweather Sat 20-Jul-13 20:02:22

It might just be a one off and not the restarting of the friendship.

Ask him.

Pancakeflipper Sat 20-Jul-13 20:02:36

Ask him "and how is obsessed ? Are they well ?"

I would be furious. You both know exactly what she represents to him and going to her place of work displays interest.

Does he know you know? How do you want to approach this?

Ah he knows you know.

Well how does he explain inviting this mad obsessive who he uses for sex back into his life?

ImperialBlether Sat 20-Jul-13 20:09:17

This thing he sells. How long would it take her to find someone else to sell her the same thing?

Did she approach him? If so, how did she have his number?

ImperialBlether Sat 20-Jul-13 20:10:59

Also, what was the order of events? Now that he's seen her and she wants this thing (sure it's not drugs?) will they have to meet again?

lunar1 Sat 20-Jul-13 20:11:12

I'd be pissed off too, what excuses is he giving?

LEMisdisappointed Sat 20-Jul-13 20:11:45

See, this is a man who used a woman for sex who he knew really liked him was obsessed with him (how big is his ego??) He sounds like a catch hmm I wouldn't trust him as far as i can throw him, he clearly doesn't have much regard for women

omgitcantbetrue Sat 20-Jul-13 20:14:11

He approached her as a mutual friend who was in town wanted to visit her work place.He chose to go.The item she requested could have been ordered online.She is saying she can help him promote the item .

Twirlyhot Sat 20-Jul-13 20:17:12

'He approached her as a mutual friend who was in town wanted to visit her work place'

So he used her again? He could have told the friend he didn't have a contact there. He chose to get back in touch.

Twirlyhot Sat 20-Jul-13 20:19:02

Do you know for sure that the friendship ever stopped?

omgitcantbetrue Sat 20-Jul-13 20:19:11

I know he chose to get back in touch.That is why I am so upsed.I genuinely do not know how to respond.To me this feels like a major breach of trust.

omgitcantbetrue Sat 20-Jul-13 20:21:58

I forget to say that initially when i saw the text he said it was because he bumped into her and she asked for the item.

It was this afternoon when I couldnt help myself and checked his emails that he had gone to her place of work, that she was offering to promote his item.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sat 20-Jul-13 20:31:39

so he's not being honest with you
?

add that to the fact he has been very clear that he gets in touch with her when his relationships falter and i think you are going to need to have a very honest and possibly painful conversation.

how many times has he resumed contact with her that have not coincided with a relationship he is in ending? either shortly before or shortly after he seeks her out to bring her back into his life?

hes also really cruel to repeatedly treat her like that.

Ahhhcrap Sat 20-Jul-13 20:32:07

I'd be furious for several reasons

He contacted her
He chose to go to her workplace
He dripfed info (you wouldn't have known if you hadn't looked)
He didn't tell you

I think you should be furious IMO. I'd nip it in the bud now and tell him it's unacceptable

kalidanger Sat 20-Jul-13 20:37:55

In between girlfriends? Obsession with him??

She was his girlfriend.

Fairenuff Sun 21-Jul-13 09:58:50

They were/are friends with benefits.

He is keeping secrets from you.

He is going against your agreement and seeing her behind your back.

He is treating both of you really badly.

omgitcantbetrue Sun 21-Jul-13 12:21:05

I am in tears and so hurt.
What would you do in this situation.

ImperialBlether Sun 21-Jul-13 13:06:03

I hate the way he admits to using her. She clearly liked him and he used her? What a way to treat someone.

And now he's back in touch with her, after promising you he wouldn't.

He kept it secret and when found out, lied.

Whether anything has happened (I suspect it's more that it would have happened, rather than has happened), he doesn't sound a very nice man.

Do you have children together?

Have you found him to be a liar in other ways? Have there been times when you've suspected he's been lying?

antimatter Sun 21-Jul-13 13:14:59

I would make sure kids are out of house or go with him somewhere where children won't hear and asked him if he has anything to tell you.

If he won't ask him if he been in touch with ex.
Why is he breaking agreement.

try to keep it under control and not to argue about the rest of your relationship - just keep it simple and if possible simplify questions so he only has to answer YES or NO

Not sure if at this stage you can expect him to put thing straight - but you need to have his version of events.

What you are going to do with it is another matter.

MissMarplesBloomers Sun 21-Jul-13 13:18:44

She is his FWB when he is feeling horny, she is obsessed with him and sadly lets him use her.

He is being a shit to both of you IMHO.

Sorry no other advice but this would be a deal breaker for me, if he is seeing her, as with their mutual lusty background I doubt they'd just meet for a coffee!!

TheSecondComing Sun 21-Jul-13 13:20:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NettleTea Sun 21-Jul-13 13:24:27

ah, but Second you have maintained a friendship with this man, and it sounds as if your friend has been open about this with his wife.
OPs husband ONLY seems to visit this girl when he wants a bit, as he knows she is a sure thing that boosts his ego, and will always willingly oblige. Theirs is not a long term friendship which had a benefit, it is ONLY a benefit. Besides it was agreed that he would never contact her again, and has lied about the how and why's.

TheSecondComing Sun 21-Jul-13 13:27:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

omgitcantbetrue Sun 21-Jul-13 13:31:30

He says it was all an organic meeting with no ill intentions.That he has no intentions.We have two children.

However to my mind he has er established the friendship behind my back and been exchanging emails.I would know nothing had I not seen the messages.

He chose to turn up at her work place
He chose to sell her the item
He chose to ask her advice on another matter ..Essentially opening the door to the friendship.

Doha Sun 21-Jul-13 14:20:16

Have you said to him what you just posted Omg?

What was his reasoning for NOT telling you?
Did he ever have any intention of telling you?
Why did he have to contact Her and only HER for advice.

I think he was looking for a way to re establish contact especially with the secrecy involved

omgitcantbetrue Sun 21-Jul-13 14:27:24

Yes.We have talked about what I have posted

It turns out that he has been going to her place of work for a while, for a service they provide although not at her shift time.The emails started when they bumped into each other there a couple of weeks ago.

He says he needed the service they provide...This service is easily available from many other places.

I also think he was looking for ways to re establish the friendship.

omgitcantbetrue Sun 21-Jul-13 20:10:35

He just keeps repeating that he has not cheated.I don't feel like I am over reacting.

Doha Sun 21-Jul-13 20:26:09

You are not over reacting.
He has re established contact and kept it a secret from you. If he hasn't cheated (and l don't know if this is true or not) the secrecy would make me wonder if he was intending cheating at some point in the future.

He is guilty by omission. I would be livid and wondering just what his intentions were if he had not been caught.

omgitcantbetrue Sun 21-Jul-13 20:39:09

Exactly.

He is making me feel as if I am blowing things out of all proportion and has even said...It's full moon tonight?
Insinuating I have the crazies.

It just fucks me of so much and like I said I dont know how to react at all.I am seething with anger and feel betrayed.

MissStrawberry Sun 21-Jul-13 20:47:00

I was going to post and say don't over react and make this something it isn't but having read the following posts it is clear

- he has lied to you
- wants to see this woman even though he knows you don't like it
- he is trying to make you doubt yourself by insinuating you are over reacting.

DistanceCall Sun 21-Jul-13 20:56:28

Perhaps he feels sorry for her? After all, he didn't treat her very well and he might be trying to make it up to her now by being friendly (given that, as you say, this woman is slightly off the rocker).

AngryFeet Sun 21-Jul-13 21:00:02

I doubt the woman is/was obsessed/crazy etc. Just young and in love with a man who was a twat. Sorry been there and done that. I doubt he has cheated tbh. Sounds like a genuine work thing and he didnt think to mention it or knew you would get upset. He should have told you but dont assume the worst.

myroomisatip Sun 21-Jul-13 21:00:39

DistanceCall You really think so?

myroomisatip Sun 21-Jul-13 21:01:00

Really?

omgitcantbetrue Sun 21-Jul-13 21:03:52

Even if IF he felt sorry for her or it was a work thing(grabbing at straws here as the work they do is so unrelated) He has lied and been texting for weeks.Asking for favours and deepening ties BEHIND MY BACK.

"when we decided to have a family I made it clear I didn't want this woman around. He agreed."

Yet he unilaterally decided to get back in touch - to bring the " crazy" woman back into his life. I would be furious. Why does he say he's done it? Why is this 'friendship' more important than you?

I would be furious to. If it is as innocent why hasn't he told you as soon as he started going to her work let alone texting her.

Inoccent people don't hide things from their loved ones.

notanyanymore Sun 21-Jul-13 21:27:43

Absolutely he's been an arse. 'oh its a full moon' is such a weak attempt at side stepping his own mistake. Him hiding it, and now trying to make out your the one in the wrong because you discovered his betrayal, is very very low.
I think, if your strong enough, you need to make a clear demonstration of how unacceptable this is for you. He if won't except that, then he needs to leave.

omgitcantbetrue Sun 21-Jul-13 21:46:30

He point blank refuses to accept that regularly going to her work place ( not during her shift) is an attempt to re establish the friendship.

He point blank refuses to admit that going there with his friend is an opening the hand of friendship.

All the texts only happened because he put himself there.He just keeps repeating like a broken record that he didn't cheat and had no intention.

Doha Sun 21-Jul-13 21:54:31

Well why the secrecy especially after he agreed no more contact when you had your family? Ask him that--he broke an agreement. He cannot deny that.

notanyanymore Sun 21-Jul-13 21:58:20

So he's choosing to ignore the actual issue that he's gone behind your back and lied by omission by trying to switch the attention to whether he's had a physical relationship with her?
If that's all he's got to offer he might as well shut up, he's clearly missing the point completely! Do you think he's missing it on purpose? (Sounds like it to me, but obviously that's only going by what's on this thread)
It sounds like he just doesn't want to face up to/admit to having done something damaging to your relationship.

omgitcantbetrue Sun 21-Jul-13 22:20:26

notanymore That is exactly how I feel.I have told him to just stop talking to me unless he wants to address the issue instead of all the denial and subverting attention.

Fairenuff Sun 21-Jul-13 22:24:03

But he has cheated. You had an agreement and he broke it. He broke the rules, that's cheating.

I agree with notanymore, he is missing the point completely. He agreed not to see her and now he is seeing her.

Have you directly asked him if he has cheated?

Because to me if someone kept repeating they haven't cheated without even asking that question, they are practically admitting that they have.

I hope he isn't though, because that would be devastating. He sounds like a complete arse to be honest with you. Using this woman for his needs in the past, being so brazen to mention it and say she was obsessed. He obviously thinks a lot of himself.

If that's what they did, why else would he want to get back into contact with her?

Has there been any other problems in the relationship recently, that might mean he is wanting to go to her due to 'a failing relationshi' or is it just out of the blue?

omgitcantbetrue Sun 21-Jul-13 22:45:12

He is saying that although he did take advantage of her feelings they were primarily friends and that they had been friends for a long time.That he is in a different headspace, has a family and not interested in a sexy reunion.

Our relationship has not been easy of late, so obviously this stinks.
Having read the texts and emails I don't think they have done anything physical, but it is still a betrayal.

Fairenuff Sun 21-Jul-13 22:53:37

What did he say about lying to you and breaking your agreement. What does he say to the fact that you cannot trust him to keep his word in future?

Roseflowers Sun 21-Jul-13 22:53:56

I think if you want to move on from this the only real way is to tell him that all contact with her and popping into her workplace (if she is there or not) has to stop. If she is nothing to him and he's just doing a bit of business it will be nothing to him to do this for you, his wife and the person he loves. For what it's worth I don't think he has done anything with her (though it could have been on the cards) but I'd keep an open mind about it as you are at the moment.

tightfortime Mon 22-Jul-13 01:14:23

Did it ever occur to you that her 'obsession' is actually his? That he has twisted it to look like she was the one available and that he used her when in fact, it might be the complete opposite?

Maybe he has always had a thing for her and she has 'used him' when it suited her? Maybe she got on with her life and thinks its ok to deal with him in a work related way after all this time? Is she aware of the ban he agreed to?

It seems to me that he initiated this, not her.

Why can't he give her up? Especially as you specifically said this was part of the having kids deal?

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Mon 22-Jul-13 06:42:07

So in the past, he has always resumed contact with her when a relationship has ended? When it's actually ended or when he's checked out of it but is still technically with the other person?

And your relationship with him has not been great lately and you find out he's sought her out?

She who he seeks out at the death of all his previous relationships?

I am not surprised that you are so upset. I would be too.

You need to tell him that based on his previous pattern of behaviour, this is worrying and you need some assurances, not to be dismissed and made to feel like you're overreacting.

nkf Mon 22-Jul-13 07:05:12

Did you say that he contacted her? So, it wasn't her trying to keep in touch. And he went to her work place?

He sounds interested in her. I don't think it was necessarily true that in between girlfriends, he used her.

I'm not surprised you are worried. Can you deal with what is going on between you and him? While keeping a beady but discreet eye on what may be going on between him and her.

Fairenuff Mon 22-Jul-13 08:59:20

At the very least he has to stay far away from her and her workplace. If he won't do this happily then I think you have your answer OP. He thinks that he can do what he likes and whatever promises he makes you are just hot air.

MorrisZapp Mon 22-Jul-13 09:06:26

I think there's quite a lot of wild speculation on this thread. The girl probably wasn't crazy, the husband probably isn't shagging her or intending to.

I see why it's not great, but I think you can sort this one out without it becoming world war three. Keep talking to your DH, tell him why you're upset but leave out the wild theorising.

Dahlen Mon 22-Jul-13 12:33:53

I'd be tempted to invite her round for dinner and see what she's like for myself. Your DH's reaction to this would be interesting. But that's me, and I have a long history of having friends of the opposite sex myself, as do my partners.

Personally I've never had a problem with partners remaining on friendly terms with Xs and the sort of contact your DH has with this woman would not even register with me - but that would be assuming that it was all out in the open, which this of course has not been. Done in secrecy means either he's being economical with the truth, or you have a problem with trust.

What gets me about this is that if he is telling the truth about this woman's 'obsession' with him, then he is not a nice person. THe kindest thing to do would have been to avoid all contact with her and keep it to an absolute minimum if unavoidable. If he's capable of disregarding her in such a way, plus lying to his DW with ease, what else is he capable of?

omgitcantbetrue Mon 22-Jul-13 14:27:33

I am friendly with his exes as he is with mine.I have friends of the opposite sex as does he.The difference here is the history and her ongoing feelings towards him....Now the secrecy and lying.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat Tue 23-Jul-13 15:38:54

He sounds like a user. He sounds like he disregards other people's feelings in order to get what he wants and do what he wants. He did it to her (and he freely admits it) and now he's doing it to you.

He sounds not very nice OP.

omgitcantbetrue Tue 23-Jul-13 18:10:52

I don't even know what to say any more .
We have been arguing for days.
He is adamant that although he could have handled it better he has no intentions of being with her, that he could have been with her in the past and is not intenested.

He maintains that visiting her work place( not at her shift time was convenient to him as it is the closest.That I am over reacting, that attending work place with friend means nothing , and that selling her this thing is useful for his work.Furthermore he is saying that the "ban on the friendship" is ridiculous, but he is happy to maintain distance for me.

It is like he is putting the whole thing on me.I am tired and don't feel great.

Just wanted to say thanks for all your help and advice!

BellEndTent Tue 23-Jul-13 18:48:13

And now he is calling you crazy as he once did her. Eek.

Fairenuff Tue 23-Jul-13 19:29:27

Well at least you know. He is not going to cut contact with her. You have two choices, either put up with it or vote with your feet.

Does she work in a pub & he uses their free wifi?

completely irrelevant

runningforthebusinheels Tue 23-Jul-13 22:47:18

I don't like the way he's putting this back on you, and calling you crazy. The way he called the fwb 'obsessed' in the the past. He's a little too belittling of women's emotions imo - especially when those emotions are caused/fuelled by his actions.

If it was innocent why did he keep it secret? You say you and dh are going through a hard time at the mo - I'd be extremely suspicious that the 'benefits' part of the relationship with this woman weren't about to start up again.

Sorry.

notanyanymore Tue 23-Jul-13 23:16:09

He seems to be way off track and still not addressing the issue; that he went behind your back. IMO he seems to be trying to blindsight you by bringing in all this other crap when what really needs to be addressed is that he re-initiated contact going against a prior agreement/commitment you had made, and then kept this from you.
If he got back in contact as it was 'good for business' he should have spoken to you about this first. The problem is that, whether he fancies her or not, he's deceived you.

lessonsintightropes Wed 24-Jul-13 00:50:46

TheSecondComing I am bloody glad you are not in my DH's life. Your priorities seem pretty odd to me. Don't you want your former FB to move on, and his wife to have some peace? Is there some problem with your own social life?

OP, sorry for thread-hijacking but I just thought this was outrageous. I also think you need to have a heart to heart with your husband and find out, honestly, what is going on.

lessonsintightropes Wed 24-Jul-13 00:55:13

And having read for ages and lurked on many a thread Dahlen has advised on, I think her advice in every situation I have read about is spot on (and she comes from a very different perspective than I do!). I think inviting her for dinner, making it all above board as it were and treating her as a friend of you-the-couple rather than him-the-man would be a useful exercise in working out where the lines are. Sorry to bastardise your advice Dahlen as I don't think this is exactly what you meant.

He's no prize if he treats his friends this badly. He sounds like a man who doesn't really consider women to be human beings - this woman is 'obsessed' with him ie unhappy about the fact that he is not interested in pursuing a relationship with her. It's awkward and uncomfortable to have someone obsess over you when you are not interested; it's fine not to return another person's obsessive feelings for you but he knows she wants more than occasional sexual encounters, he's not prepared to offer her more than that but happy to stick his dick in her when he's bored? And to tell you all about this allegedly tragic, messed up woman who adores his Mighty Penis but to speak about her with such contempt/ He's really not very nice.

omgitcantbetrue Wed 24-Jul-13 11:41:32

He is saying that to boil down the long friendship he has had with her to just her obsession is not a true reflection.That they have years of shared friendship and experiences.That he will drop the friendship for me.

This is not how it was presented to me at the start of our relationship.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat Wed 24-Jul-13 13:25:14

So he basically bullshitted about her "obsession" with him, made it seem to others that it was all coming from her side and belittled her feelings to someone else? Oh, he's a prince, isn't he?

Fairenuff Wed 24-Jul-13 14:32:14

So he is now saying that he will stop seeing her?

dontyouwantmebaby Wed 24-Jul-13 14:56:06

I'd be wary of any man who claimed his female friend was 'obsessed' with him. I don't think you have been getting the truth here, you've only been painted whatever picture of their relationship/friendship that he wants you to see.

So he used her in the past and is not proud of it? Yet he agreed with you that he wouldn't continue with this friendship and now that you have found out he has gone behind your back on this, is trying to mark you out as the 'crazy' one (hmmm see a pattern developing here in his behaviour towards women?) hmm

And so the onus over this 'friendship' is back on YOU, crucially, not him. So he can then blame YOU for being responsible for 'not allowing' him this friendship (and believe me, he will feel resentful bout it, if he doesn't already).

I'd bet this woman would have a very different tale to tell from his version of events. This all sounds very much like an ego-boosting trip for him, having women fighting over him. I think you have every right to feel furious with him.

dontyouwantmebaby Wed 24-Jul-13 14:57:28

'having women fighting over him' - in his mind, I should add.

IslandMoose Wed 24-Jul-13 17:10:06

Guessing at his motivations and past failings is a waste of time, really. You need to work out what you want. Do you want to end your relationship with this fool? If so, do so. If not, make the best of it - because he certainly won't be changing his behaviour in a hurry.

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