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Devastated at lack of support and feel I am being punished for domestic abuse(90 Posts)
It's like an extra 'punishment', really.
Left abusive alcoholic DP back in Feb. Posted on here for support - I was lololizzy then (and i apologise for inbox messages I didn't get back to..i had such trouble with passwords etc that I couldn't reply)
To cut a long story short..it was hell being back at my parents, and i went back to him in April to take the stress off them and because I had no money (basically they are v insular and like it being just the two of them and can't cope with any sort of strain or stress..even though to respect their wishes, i had to never mention what had happened to me). I had tried applying for housing but they (housing benefits) were so rude and unhelpful, basically only cared if i had kids or not (i don't). I was too depressed to fight for anything. I didnt really go back to him for him, as i didn't miss and love him, but more to use him as a roof over my head...(we still split the bills etc)- i didnt feel bad about the rest as he's been so horribly abusive the last yr and caused me job loss and to have a breakdown etc) and move on when i was stronger and had money behind me (unlike when i left). Since then things have been ok and we got on well, living like flatmates more than partners, which suited me fine . He convinced me he'd given up the booze. Not so as i've just found out. He did go without several weeks but has also been secret drinking and the last two weeks have been bad and he drinks openly. Basically all this time he's lulled me into false security..as i was warned would happen. He is now trying giving up again but i don't trust him and his anger is bad drinking or not.
I'm back to square one and will probably have to go to parents for time being and go through it all again and push harder this time for help.
But i'm crushed by the lack of support . My parents have made it clear that i should stay with him 'until he flips again' and play it by ear (even though they know i called the police last week!) (he is not physical by the way...it's all bad verbal abuse, ferocious temper threats and blackmail, and financial. In the past it was his suicide threats, but hasn't been lately). My mother actually said 'it is too hot to think about or talk about any of this..go back and wait for him to erupt again' (how would she like to live treading on eggshells and having her every move scrutinised and criticised?!)
My parents tell me often, that it is my fault as he was my choice..they never liked him. My fault for joining Facebook and adding him on (that's how we met, we had mutual friends on it) My fault for driving down to meet him in the first place. and so on. Very much, you made your bed, you can lie in it.
This week i tried going back to theirs for a few days with a view to moving back in again temp. The trouble is, my dad although elderly, is a bully like my ex. And i have bad memories of being back in my childhood home as he was very violent when i was a child, by that i mean proper beating me up, knocking me out etc. I have spent years trying to forgive as his father was same with him and so on.. Yesterday he spent the whole day shouting at me because I had purchased a book for £7 in a sale . It is my first treat in ages. He yelled so all the neighbours could hear and then blamed it on me causing him to shout by spending money i shouldn't. I see his point that it's a lot when i lost my job (because of all this) and i'm on ESA (also because of all this) and i have a car to run (which i do really need) but i still feel it's punishing me..that he would begrudge me a book that would give me a few hours of relaxation i so desperately need. I also tried to explain about my depression, anxiety and severe insomnia. It fell on deaf ears...thinks i should pull myself together and get a job. How can i get a job when a/ i can't sleep and have terrible anxiety b / i have no confidence left, despite the fact i've always worked c/ am of no fixed address now and flitting between partner's flat and their house...depending on circumstances ('D''s drinking and rants depend on all this..no way to live , i know...)
Please don't suggest friends... no one has spare room..i've tried everyone. I have no money..if i had some savings i'd go away and try and start a new life. Please be gentle as i fear i'll be flamed for this.. i don't think i could face hostel or refuge. All my friends that have been in them, tell me not to do it and that they wouldn't do it again. Also because i can't have children, it is too painful for me to be around mothers with small kids. (and that is another issue..but one thing at a time).
Both my parents pretty much turned on me yesterday and sent me packing saying to only come back if i can live by their rules and only when DP gets really severe again. They care but in a cruel to be kind, tough love way i guess. I suppose i don't blame them for not wanting an adult child on their doorstep and i am reminded constantly of the failure i have become.
What has cut me to the core..is today. The last straw. My best friend has cut me out for months (when i needed her the most) and i didnt know why. Today she finally messaged me saying it was disgusting that i went back to him and i didnt take her advice so she was bloody well never giving it again (i never actually asked for it! only for support!) She said i knew what he was like and yet i went back. No..he was getting help and i sincerely believed he was off the drink. Things were fine for months. And i had no where else to go. This is just the last straw for me. I can't stop crying and i don't see much point in fighting for anything.
For 23 yrs, her life has been one big drama full of scandals and so on. I have always , always stood by her..whether i agreed or not. We have been thru everything together She also once returned to an abusive partner , she seems to forget this, so i can't believe she would judge like this. I supported her unconditionally. So i now have lost best friend, and parents are not supportive because they simply can't understand what i'm going thru and say i brought much of it on myself merely by being with him. Also last week another friend read me the riot act because i had 'ignored advice' and gone back to DP. These friends are both loaded. Do they really think if i had money and a place to go, I would've returned!?
Sorry this is so long. I can't believe i'm going thru this again.
But with less support this time because people judge me for going back.
Life isn't that simple nor so black and white. I am so lost, i just want to run far away (but can't afford to!) I am more upset about parents and best friend than DP..as i don't love him. I feel utterly alone.
If i can't reply to this straightaway it means i don't have privacy to read/ answer but i really need friends and hand holding as this is now worse than when i left in Feb...people didnt judge then. I guess they think i've cried wolf and have given up on me. I just didnt realise how hard it would be...in the practical ways.
I know people will say, forget the best mate. but 23 yrs..i've only been with DP for 4. I love her..not him... i am in pieces.
I know it sounds totally childish (and I'm 42 for fucks sake) i don't care about losing DP but I don't know how i can carry on without support from my parents and best friend. If i can't rely on them then who can I. It seems strangers are kinder and less judgemental
Wow. You've got a lot going on and no one to support you. I'm sorry you felt you had no choice to go back. I'm sorry your parents weren't more supportive.
Organisations like Women's Aid, and others who work with victims/survivors or domestic abuse, can support you without making you move into a refuge. They can help you make the steps to become independent. Your local council website will have details of a provider in your area. They can help you find accommodation and help you sort out your benefits.
You don't have to wait for something awful to happen.
Keep posting here when you can. The support is here if you need it!
I don't get why your only option is either live with the abuse at your ex or your parents. Surely, can you rent a place on your own or even a room somewhere. It seems you are punishing yourself. I'm not surprised your friend is short with you. Se gave you good advice which you ignored so I can understand why she isn't supportive.
I can't rent anywhere. I have no money at all. It grates with her because she took back a far more abusive ex . I even flew abroad then, to support her when she came out of prison.
I was trying to make the point above..that both the friends that criticised, have money. If they were in this mess they could start again. They have no idea how hard it is without money.
i see your point, Trifle, but as i said above..housing didnt want to know because i didnt have dependants (and it has been this way over 20 yrs with them.) I can't pay rent and a deposit. If friend was in my shoes now..she could actually afford to buy a whole house for herself!
i went to Womans Aid before. i see a counseller there also and going back on tues. so i need to push for practical advice again.
The thing is, friend didnt give me good advice! She actually told me to go back to him, and use him for however long needed, for a roof over my head! and to try and get a job and some money behind me. but i was too depressed and not sleeping, for that.. and he would take my wages
OP i know what its like to have an unsupportive family. And you are absolutely right. A lot of organisations dont care when you dont have DC. And the cutbacks havent helped.
Being told to go back and wait for him to erupt is something my parents would say to me.
Im so sorry you are going through this.
Some people have trouble understanding that not everyone has the financial means or support to LTB
You are being financially as well as emotionally abused OP
Hey OP, I'm really sorry you are stuck between a rock & a hard place.
You can apply to your council for emergency housing -
It may be a B&B/hostel/hotel, & it might be out of your own area, but it may be better than either option you have currently?
iknow, darkest, and he's not getting any more of me. and i intend to fight this time, for what i didn't fight hard enough for before. But i had a breakdown then and the fight went out of me. I have left a message for my original Dom violence advisor. I will get in touch with the policeman that saw me back in Feb.
to be honest right now i am more upset about my parents and most of all my best friend.. i could go and live in a bus shelter..but i'd still be devastated at things they've said..
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds completely overwhelming.
The council have a statutory obligation to house you. If you turn up on Monday morning at your local council with your belongings in a bag with you and explain that you have just left your abusive partner and have nowhere to go and no family or friends you can stay with, they will make sure you have somewhere to stay. Because of your lack of dependents, this will likely be a B&B for a while. If you don't have any income, this will not prevent them from arranging this for you and they will help you apply for housing benefit etc.
I think it is vital you do this. Once you are away from this highly toxic situation and all the people who keep undermining your every thought and deed, you will start to see things much more clearly and positively.
so many people say, well just have a break and go travelling for a bit. Or stay with my brother who lives in Australia. Or rent a room..when i say i have no money , it doesnt mean i have some stashed away somewhere! It means i have about £50 of my overdraft left..and that is it. In the universe. And ihave sold a lot of stuff. If the doctor isnt on my side this week,, no more ESA of £70. How can someone with no money come up with a month's rent and deposit? No money means..some days you can't eat/ buy loo roll// that's what it really means..not, i can't afford a holiday, or , i will have to go to Tescos instead of Waitrose...
thank you Dahlen. that is just it..undermining. I feel like i''m being punished. DP is a lot older than me and been an alcoholic since his teens, when i was a child. So i'm sick of feeling I am to blame for him, somehow...
I'm really sorry about your friends & family. I know one should be able to rely on them in a crisis, but sometimes it brings out the worst in people.
You are technically homeless, so call Shelter 0808 800 4444
MondaysFridays: 8am8pm; Weekends: 8am5pm
Calls are free from UK landlines and main mobile networks.
Here's a document on how the council has to help you:
Couldn't just read and run. So sorry to hear about this. Can your friends not lend you money to set you up, when they know you have none? i'm sure you have tried to ask, but otherwise go back to the council. Do you have a local domestic violence outreach? Good idea to contact the police again. Explain your situation. As a last resort please reconsider a refuge, even if it's hard with children around. It'll be a stop-gap measure, for you to get head space and gain independency.
Sorry to ramble, just wish for you to get out of this situation.
ah, good advice from Dahlen and Twinkle. Just take my post as meant in the best possible way, please
no I don't work now as when I fled in February (back to my parents and hometown) it meant leaving my job..without any notice. Which i will never forgive him for. I couldn't afford to stay around (where DP lives) so that i could keep my job. I had a breakdown in Feb and since then bad anxiety and insomnia.. i want to be working again.. I need it.. I don't feel i can until ive got an address and am sleeping.
I had an abusive, alcoholic husband and 2 yo
and i don't think I'll sleep till i'm settled. In feb i was really traumatised by what he'd put me thru for the previous 6 months. and then he got worse. and then better. or so i thought :-(
Phone posted 2 quickly.
You have to take control of your life and stop blaming your ex. He isn't going to change.
I was a SAHM and my route out was to get a job. I focused on being independent and doing things for myself. I had to earn to keep a roof over my head and provide a steady home life for my children.
I understand that at the moment things seem helpless but you have to start making things happen for you. List the things that you need to do and come up with a plan to make them happen. Small steps.
OP, what was your pkan when you left him and moved back with your parents in Feb?
but when you were a SAHM, did you have your own home? without a home i don't know how i can work? I do want to be working, I feel so overwhelmed.. and i don't know where i'm going to end up living. I know i will in time be sorted..home and job. Right now all i can hear in my head are words my parents and friend have said. I can get through anything with support..but without that.. I'm lost. I feel broken enough as it is. I feel like my father is saying, I've fucked up my life so much, that i'm not even worthy of a £7 book. And that if i stay there i have to be in bed by 10.30. I have insomnia so that would be torture..
I am so sorry you are going through this, OP. The thing about having unsupportive ( to put it mildly!!) friends and family is that when you DO reach out elsewhere and get some sort of rebuff, it can seem completely cataclysmic. Don't let this deter you.
Please have courage, love, and seek out the support from the council that others have suggested. They have a duty to find you accommodation, even in these harsh times.
This is big, but you are bigger, if you see what I mean. You can do this. You're a survivor. Seek whatever support you can.
So sorry about your parents and your friend.
It seems like it's all about them, and when you are out you should address how your parents attitude may have shaped your relationships, including your friend.
She seems a taker and toxic.
I agree that you should stop dwelling on things and start being practical. Push WA for a practical solution. Your DV advisor, free solicitor time, whatever you can.
Could your parents lend you some money for a deposit?
Try to put things on paper so that it seems more doable, rather than a vague idea.
You can do it.
But you have insomnia mostly because you are with this horrible man, right?
Surely staying with your parents cannot be as bad.
Can't you get library books to help you through the night, or specifically ask the gp for sleeping pills, for example?
Nytol (one a night kind) is good to start with
Lweji - I think OP's Dad sounds almost as bad as the ex P, frankly - which is very likely how she ended up with him in first place
one too many smileys -oops!
The insomnia is actually much much worse at my parents. When at his..we don't share a bedroom. He sleeps on couch..he prefers it as likes to watch tv, be on and off computer etc (night bird) and he snores too loud. I get more peace at his
I had a problem with zopiclone in the 90s so gp is reluctant to give me anything strong. I am allowed about 12 temazapan a month and they do nothing to help me sleep, I even tried taking 3 the other night. They do relax me a little but they are way too mild. My body has got out of the habit of sleeping..the same as what happened to me in the 90s when i was prescribed zopi. I get panic attacks at night and feel like everything is closing in on me. It's not because of him i can't sleep..it's that my heart is racing and i feel wide awake even if i am exhausted.. i think most of it is, what will become of me. Where will i live, what will i do. Worry about the future. Money, etc etc. And when am at parents..the pressure to go to bed early and get up early. If someone tells me i must sleep, i won't.
and yes..being at parents is a bit of 'out of frying pan into fire'/ My dad still lays into me verbally and bullies me all the time. My mother has always been an enabler and will say its my fault for making my dad angry so that he ends up shouting and that if i just listened to him and did what he said, he wouldn't 'your dad is only trying to help, and you are throwing it in his face' is the favourite. Weirdly enough..my mum wears the trousers in their relationship. He pretty much worships her. It's me always got the brunt. So DP is just another version of him..not the drink or fists but certainly the control, domineering, bullying.. anger... zero tolerance for anything that isnt his view...'my way is the only way, do as i say and not what i do' type thing
Dione..the plan was for a new life (back in Feb). I didn't quite manage it. I saw a DV adviser, went to womens centre once a week (still do) , saw a policeman who deals in DV and went on the dv help line a lot. I had a breakdown and i luckily had a good doctor when i changed to my parents surgery. ( i still see her). Like i said...housing benefits were a nightmare and i ended up feeling beaten..as have done in past.They said i could only apply on line..my parents computer wasnt working. They said it would take at least 3 weeks for someone to help me with forms there so it really should be done online. Yes, i gave up, stupid i know..but i couldnt cope with anything practical and i felt doors were being slammed in my face.
Within a day of being back, my parents were trying to find me a job. I was crying and shaking the whole time and hardly left the house in the first 3 weeks as couldnt cope. I even struggled to dress myself..everything was so overwhelming. On day two of being back, my mum found me a job where her friend works.. i had to turn it down. I felt completely undermined..that no one could see what i was going through. I had thoughts of killing myself, because of lack of support, and the insensitivity. Whereas at least the doctor and my counseller could see how i really was. Doctor put me straight on ESA and told me not to work for a while! As the weeks went on, life with my parents got tougher. I was told by both of them , to never mention my 'situation' so as not to stress them out eg 'if your dad has a heart attack, it will be ALL your fault' (oh not because he's overweight, or used to smoke, which caused his first one??) or 'this is stressing your mum..never talk of it again' . I got much worse from having to smile all the time and pretend nothing was happening. It was totally draining and exhausting. They also opened my mail (still do) wouldnt let me have more than a few minutes on the phone (even though ihad a whole life to sort out) and went through my possessions , constantly criticising. If i had a bad day and wanted something as simple as a diet coke and bar of chocolate.. i would have to do it secretly ('You're not bringing that muck into this house'! - they are health freaks, and i'd have to hide the wrappers..which they'd always find) There was a period where DP did not drink for several weeks..so i went back then..basically to get away from my parents and so i couldnt be blamed for bringing stress to them. They were absolutely furious that the policeman had been round to see me 'why couldn't you ask him to come in a plain car..what will the neighbours think' ... For a few months, things were fine with DP. We lived like housemates and all was calm, it's really been the last fortnight its got bad again. And every week i still went back to my home town to see counseller, see my parents and also to go to a meditation class.
i can sort out the practicalities..i 'm going to have to really make myself this time. It's my parents and best mate's attitude i can't change, and it's that that hurts. I feel let down and almost betrayed really.. a home is just bricks and mortar but unconditional love and support is far more than that.
Look at how your parents treat you! How could you have EVER fallen into a HEALTHY relationship, when your 'normal' is so warped?
I too was only my own when ex left, I got extra knife turns from family which hurt like nothing else in the world.
Mumnet was my constant support, all friends I had, well both, were abroad.
I Knowing this stuff hurts,I Knowing how alone you feel, but you can do this, you really can!
2 years only, my life is immeasurably better than even its ever been!
Keep posting,get away from the lot of them, they don't deserve you.
thankyou, Hissy. great to hear you came out the other side.
Your parents and 'best' mate - they are damaged people. Don't judge yourself for their reaction to you.
Gosh OP, I really feel for you. You have grown up in a massively abusive family and so (unwittingly) found a partner to replicate that as an adult. Please get away and put some distance between you and your abusive parents, the abusive P, and the soul suckers that dare to call themselves your friends. I have no advice for you as I am not in the UK, but others have outlined some options. Your self-esteem in in the floor at the moment, and I can well understand why, with the type of people you have around you. Putting a physical distance between you and them will help you to feel better - your body is responding to this trauma with the 'flight/fight' response which is why you feel so bad. Good luck.
Think about it... your life is about as bad as it can get with them in it.
Remove them from it, you'll start to see the truth all around you, that YOU are fine, ok, and a nice person.
They are not.
Removing them from your life makes more space for good people.
It really does!
Yes it'll be hard to come to terms with it all, but remember one thing if you remember nothing else: you didn't cause this, you didn't do anything to 'deserve' this, and nothing you could ever do will change the way they are, and how they choose to behave.
The only thing you have any power over is whether you choose to allow them to continue as they are.
Now that you know where you stand, you can't justify it continuing, can you.
Please keep talking to us. Have you tried Woman's Aid? They are great for listening, and advice.
We're here for you. Please lean as much and as often as you need to.
We do have an idea of how you feel, and we're all hurt, cross and sad for you.
What hissy said.
Your parents are nasty abusers themselves. How dare they fail to protect and nurture their daughter in need. I was in a comparable situation and whilst devastating to acknowledge, it was the final straw I needed t recognise that my 'family' were pointless and had trained me well to feel undeserving of warm, supportive love.
Are you on ADs? They would help at the moment.
You can do this xx
1. GP for ADs
2. Will your parents give/lend you deposit on a small studio flat?
3. Live quietly and alone, on the dole with charity shop books, until you can breathe freely
4. Begin to plan the rest of your life and rebuild
We're you. Y any chance the poster who was worried about her pet? I often wondered how you were getting on if so.
GP first. If he gives you meds it might surprise you how much clearer and stronger you can be with them. Good luck.
yes i was worried about my pet. He is still with DP and he is fine, thankfully. Despite all DP's troubles he does really love him and did manage to look after him while i was away. But he did use the animal against me for a while and i'm sure could again, however my fears about him being neglected were perhaps me being over anxious (but then, DP did make threats when he was at his worst last winter). When i finally settle i intend to get my pet back. I am on AD's yes so i am better than i was but the insomnia has , if anything, worsened. My body's just forgotten what normal sleep is. I went through this in the 90s and i know it can get better but it will take time. I went through my 30s with pretty much normal sleep apart from a few blips.
Having had some time to think about it...so called best friend is the problem and not me. She has removed nearly everyone from her life that has annoyed her in some way. (which means there's not many left!) If someone has a problem and especially if they are not dealing v well with that problem..she sees it as a weakness. She forgets all the dramas she has had since i have known her, and the massive mistakes she has made.. i can't point anything out to her as I know from past experience, she would go on the defensive and cause a row because she wouldn't want to discuss it. I am angry because she has been in my shoes and because she was far from home, she stuck with her dodgy ex for years. I seem to be surrounded by people who are 'do as I say and not as I do'. If i lose her it's yet another loss and I've had enough losses to last a lifetime. However, some new friends have come into my life and I'm so grateful for that. But it's hard as have shared so much with best friend and 23 yrs is more than half my life. It will feel like a bereavement. And i've always gone the extra mile for her. I will see her at a friend's memorial soon and just have to play it by ear but she' ll probably be the centre of attention there as she'd been abroad for years and there are people she hasnt seen for 20 yrs..so we probably wouldnt get a chance to chat anyway.
DP is not drinking and doing well and wants to quit for good. I don't trust it though of course i want him to stick to it. But I don't love him or want to be with him long term.
My parents aren't classic abusers..it's all very subtle these days. But yes maybe my 'normal' is warped. In the past, they have helped me a lot with practical issues. Money, car etc. They always housed and fed me when i was 'between homes' eg when i came back from travelling etc. But everything has always been thrown back in my face and never have they been supportive about ANYTHING i've ever done. Even if i do something really 'sensible', they will find a fault. If i try to speak to my mum about my dad she'll just say that he loves me and that I'm being mean and ungrateful. I think she 'enables' him as she just wants peace. Hence her advice to return to DP until things get terrible again.
I can't help it but I feel really envious of people with supportive parents. It's all too easy for people to say 'just go back home..of course your parents will be there for you'. Or...'take time out and travel the world'.. what do they think when i tell them i have NO money?!
sorry to hear that, Leverette,
i just want a 'normal' life and to be happy again. is that too much to ask for? to have my own place and my own things around me and to have some identity again and not to be at the mercy of others or indebted to anyone.. never did i think i'd feel 'homeless' at age 42.. i thought i'd have my own property and be set for life. I feel such a failure.
I think i've got to prepare myself to lose two people, haven't I? DP , losing the 'nice DP', the sober DP. That's not such a loss after what he's put me through and i didn't miss him when i left before. The biggest loss will be my friend. I can't believe she's turned against me like this. Then again she's cut out her old school friend because she says all that friend does is talk about her kids and she doesn't want to hear it. (she chose not to have kids). She's cut out her brother because his wife commited a crime, her aunt because she's been supportive to the brother, her dad for same reason, her cousins (one because she talks about her baby too much and the other because she thinks she's a benefit scrounger), one friend because she doesn't agree with her keep having affairs (even though friend has always cheated on her exs) another friend because she is 'too obsessed with her new cat' !! and so on. So judgemental. It's really not me, is it?! And I say all this but she has been a good friend over the years. We've shared the best times together. But..always been very hot headed and judgemental. Enough is enough.
btw friend is training to be a counseller
I'd say start at cutting out 2, but work towards 4.
There isn't anything wrong with you. It really IS them.
How can your
utterly deluded frenemy possibly be a counsellor when she's run away from anyone and everyone near her who's ever needed support, or better, judged them.
I hope the course costs HER a bomb, and I hope they boot her off it.
Are you the one with the old cat?
You do need to leave him, you and your cat! Please go to the library and use their computers to sign up, or you may be able to do them in the job centre.
You do need to see what help you can get to be independent and free from abuse.
At the moment, you have it wherever you stay; parents/DP. You have to do whatever it takes to isolate and protect yourself from these people. The ought to come with a health warning!
Keep talking to us/WA/wherever you get support, this strength takes time to bolster somehow, but you have to do it.
Let me assure you, that getting free from people like this IS hard, and you wonder why you're doing it all, and feel so drained you give up and comply with the plans these awful people have for you.
Let me tell you that one deep breath, one step, and one moment of determination is all it takes to get out.
It takes stamina and a faith in yourself and hope for a better future for you to keep walking.
The rewards for that bravery is unimaginable. I promise you. You will kick yourself for ages for not having done it sooner, but we can help you with this phase too, as we've all felt the same.
You really aren't alone. Far from it!
no, not old cat! more unusual than that!
Friend does not tolerate perceived weakness (her perception) in anyone else as she thinks she is so brave and tough and that everyone should be like her. ie 'if i can do it'.... When one of her parents died 20 yrs ago, her coping strategy was to move abroad straightaway, and bury herself into a new life and work. Basically she did not stop for 11 yrs straight. But she never grieved. Her sibling stayed put and was only a teen when the parent died. Sibling had a breakdown and also turned to drugs (but they are fine now). The sibling was my housemate at the time (other housemate was a dealer and preyed on this person's vulnerability) and it was awful to see what they were going through. I looked out for this person, as friend was far away and didnt come back for 11 yrs, not even for a visit. Friend thought the sibling was weak to have turned to drugs etc . Has cut sibling out many times and now for good.
She wants to be a bereavement counseller. But i feel she never grieved herself and she has been told this by doctors etc. She is good with practicalities and not with empathy.
Ah, my mistake. There was someone on here being given ultimatums over their old cat..
I'm starting to realise i have put up with a lot of 'false' support and have been used like a puppet... having my strings pulled and manipulated.. do this do that' ie do as i say not as i do..no one would listen to how i truly felt and what i wanted and try to understand. It was all 'i know what's good for you'. No, getting a job when i'd been back one day, and was having a breakdown, would not have 'made me better'. True friends have not told me what to do and not judged. It is support i want and not advice..
I could be housed etc and have job but if i have no support i don't see how i can carry on.
not me but i hope they and the kitty are safe!
Ah, OP I see that the scales are falling away from your eyes, and you are seeing your awful P, horrid parents and 'friend' for who they really are. Although it might be hard to take it all in at the moment, the truth does set you free. As others have urged, get away from these awful people, and in a relatively short period of time, you will start to feel so much better. It's not you, you sound like a really nice, caring person. Its them, they are awful shits and have no right to be anywhere near you.
I heard back from friend and I'm devastated. I feel totally sick. She has it all wrong..she always misunderstands anything by text or email... I had brought up about her abusive ex as a means of (hopefully) sharing support/ empathy..not asking for advice as such but drawing on experience... aren't long term friendships based on memories and sharing common ground? She went beserk and said i was trying to point out her mistakes. I wasn't, as i don't believe in mistakes..merely life experience and lessons. I should have known she'd go on the defensive so. The thing is, i thought it would've been ok to bring up her past as it's all she ever talks about when i'm with her.. past, exs, her DP..i mean it takes over holidays we have.. it is ALL she talks about. She spoke to me (well, messaged me) like i was absolute shit to her and told me to not be in contact and leave her alone. Later she wrote that she want to ring me and 'bash it out' . That sounds ominous to me! I can't take any nastiness, i'm going through enough. She said obviously i have a list of issues with her (i really didnt) and she does with me so we should thrash them out. It's like she's picking for a fight..yet she knows i'm a total peacemaker
doormat I didnt have issues (till now)..only concerns..she'd disappeared for months and i was worried about her.. Now i realise she'd cut me out as was angry i'd gone back to stay with DP (even though she knew the reasons behind that..and had agreed with me..and advised me to go back! now she's throwing it in my face that it's all my fault i went back to him..she doesnt look at reasons behind it...money, protecting my parents etc..) she has said such nasty things. Why couldn't she at least wait until i was back on my feet before she twisted the knife in. It seems she only wants to be friends with people in their 'good times' as doesnt have the patience..but expects everyone to come running when she's struggling. Hence me having to write the letter to her dad to cut him out..because she couldnt bear to write it.
i've got to go back to my parents today too for a few days..and their criticisms and interogations. I can't take much more. I'm scared I'll have another breakdown. DP is not drinking and things are fine here with him but of course i'm wary and dont trust that. If someone waved a magic wand right now and put me in a lovely home and gave me money to get started.. i don't think i'd really feel any better. What is the point if i don't have love, friendship and support. That is what matters and not bricks and mortar. I'm fed up of feeling so alone and lonely..and doing everything my own. I was so upset yest and couldnt stop crying, that i drove 2 hrs to the coast hoping it would clear my head and make me feel better. All it did was make me brood all day..more time to self, thinking too much.
Has anyone else on here had to cut out a toxic friend or been cut out by their toxic friend? how did you deal with it?
Also why do people not understand about depression , anxiety and severe insomnia unless been through it themselves? I can emphasise with people who have things i havent experienced. Also this friend has had terrible anxiety and panic attacks in the past. Yet in me it's a weakness..and she doesn't want to know. When she had it herself..i took her away for a long weekend to try and help her.
Some people have imagination & empathy & some don't.
It's perfectly possible for you to create a new life away from your abusive ex, away from your abusive parents, and toxic friend. But I think you need support from some kind of counselling while you make these major changes. Do you have access to this?
I had to cut out a friend, she wasn't toxic in the way yours is, but she was so incredibly needy & high maintenance that it was exhausting. Then she started lying, and when confronted was unapologetic & manipulative.
So I dumped her.
I don't know how friend will become a successful counseller apart from able to deal with cold practicalities. 23 yrs is so long. It will feel like a death. I see a counseller for 50 mins a week sometimes every 2 weeks depends on if i can afford petrol. Luckily am seeing her today, she works at a women's centre
The friend has creativity and imagination in abundance yet completely lacks empathy..everything is a weakness in other people according to her. She has cut her brother out as if he was dead because his wife commited a crime ..because he has forgiven the wife and sees the reason behind the crime, she has made brother dead to her. Now she has cut out rest of family because they support brother in his decision to forgive her SIL...she sees it all as weakness, forgiveness and tolerance never enter the picture with her. She has also cut out all her friends with young kids as doesnt want to hear about their kids as 'it's boring'. I'm starting to see her true colours.. it's horrible
Your 'friend' seems a nasty piece of work.
I wouldn't be contacting her again. It sounds like she will try and contact you though. In my view, offense is the best form of defence with people like that. Tell her what you think of her, how let down you feel and walk away. Don't be a doormat this time. But if you can, stay away and count yourself lucky to have escaped. She can do nothing for you except cause more pain. You have practicalities to sort, you don't need this horrible woman dumping her crap on you too.
It scares me that somebody like that is training to be a counsellor. I hope it is a reputable course and that she is having counselling too which is a requirement of being a 'proper' chartered counsellor. I can't see her finishing the first term is she shows her true colours now.
It is to be a bereavement counseller, she says because of her mother dying 20 yrs ago. But it's only recently she has been told she never grieved properly , by her doc (she never saw a counseller etc) however it is an unusual kind of counseller (can't go into details) but would require her flying out to deal with people bereaved suddenly...she would be good at the practicalities..but that's about it. All i know its an evening course in counselling at a college and the her job will be able to take her on in this extra role..like another string to her bow,as it were.. she is paying for the course herself but then would have two roles within her workplace.
Dreading her ringing the landline at my parents as a/ they will always pick up b / i have no privacy.
i was just her friend for 'fun times'.. she cant deal with anyone elses problems her own take over everything. We had some great travels etc i suppose that counts for something but i thought i could count on her when the chips were down... i would fly out to her when she was in trouble.. i would always come running :-(
what i wrote above..is that what 'narc' is??
- Definition of a narcissist
From the little you have said, it sounds like she could be a narcissist which pretty much means that no matter what you say and what you do, she won't hear you. She cannot feel empathy but worse, she won't get why she should even try, nor will she recognises what she is lacking.
She is actually a very, very bad person to be a counsellor and if she isn't receiving counselling and nobody has picked this up (it is hard because narcissists can be very charming when they are getting what they want) she could do some very bad damage.
I am guessing she is employed to help bereaved families repatriate after a death abroad, maybe on holidays for the little you have said? You don't have to answer that but that sort of role might need her practical skills but heaven help the bereaved people if she starts trying to offer emotional help.
As far as your parents go, could you appeal to their selfishness - say you will be very happy to get out of their hair if they can lend you some money to find a room of your own elsewhere?
She's extremely charming and works in HR where she charms everyone there. She's always been the life and soul, and the ultimate bubbly charmer.
Yes , that is right, BigBoobied. She would be great in keeping a cool head, but would not handle well, anything emotional. She would lose patience rapidly and lack the right words and empathy.
She has never received counselling even though she has been told many time that she should. She deals with things alone otherwise it's a weakness. She took anti depressants for a short while this year but begged me not to tell her DP as he'd judge her and she was ashamed of it. I asked, what did she think of me..i've been on them on and off for 15 yrs . I have thyroid and pituitary problems..i'll maybe always need them. I told her it is no taboo! She didn't get it.
She has been doing CBT course but not one to one...in a group. That was to help her personally..nothing to do with her counselling. She had been through a hard time from cutting out her father. (and then he her).
I should pity her really as she has gone through life burning bridges. She had great friends and family. She will never let up on a grudge, never say sorry and never forgave the most minor incident. Her memory is so good for grudges, i swear she must keep a record book!! She can remember the most trivial details dating back to childhood.
If i lose her for good.. at least that is one less thing to worry about (trying to please her; worrying about her judging my every move etc) but it will still be painful. I'm sad and angry at her hypocrisy and bloodyminded ness.
Gosh yes all that on narcissists..spot on. The hugely impulsive behaviour. Crazy financial decisions (she is lucky that most of the time, it worked out ok for her) Risky sex. Manipulation etc
I spoke to my counseller about everything this afternoon, which helped,. to be in a safe, non judgmental place.
I will probably have to accept that friend will never change and that she really only wanted to be there for the fun times.. she would run and hide if anyone was having problems... but they couldn't if other way round.,
To lose her would be a relief in many ways but still terribly hard. She has been such a huge part of my life..even when she was abroad for 11 yrs. But thinking about it.her being abroad meant she didnt have to deal with others (in this country) having problems. she would only see them for the fun times..ie when they visited her.,
I think this pretty much sums her up.... a typical car journey with her. This could be as true today, as was over 20 yrs ago. (she hasn't exactly grown up, despite being financially sound, owning several properties etc) If she spies something interesting out of window..she will always comment on it. If i haven't seen it (although i am v observant..but say i'm looking out of other window, or head down, or in world of own..whatever) and i tell her i havent, she will always get frustrated and then angry ie 'how could you miss that? what is WRONG with you? We're both in the same bloody car and you didn't see that! How could you not see that. For fuck's sake' and it will actually wind her up for ages. It proves how... she can only see the world through her eyes.. egocentric
I'm sorry you're having a hard time and that your family and friends are adding to your stress.
From a practical point of view:
* take a copy of your housing benefit form to the local CAB and get them to help you fill it in.
* speak to your local housing associations as well as your local council about accommodation (tell them you are fleeing an abusive relationship and are homeless)
* go to the library and look for adverts in the local newspaper for private lets, depending on where you are in the country some private landlords will let you move in without a deposit.
Don't engage with your friend . You have to put yourself first just now and that means protecting yourself from her negative influence.
The friend messaged just now and asking to speak on Thursday now, not tonight, to discuss our issues with each other . I don't have issues i want to discuss! It might sound doormat ish..but then again i don't want to talk at all. I have my whole life to sort out! Hearing her laying into me is not going to help. She can be pretty harsh and nasty. This is the person who didn't speak to one family for 8 years because the small child of the family threw a sweet at her in jest and she didn't forgive the parents because 'they should've smacked the child'.
Alltoomuch, I've just read all of your thread, and I feel that this friend is a narcissist as well. Do not engage with her. Ignore the messages about contact, and do things which make you feel better emotionally and physically. A walk in the park? Reading a good book? A lovely luxurious and long bath?
A narcissist needs to lay into someone every so often because they are feeling so bad, and the only way for them to feel better is to make someone else feel like crap. Google 'narcissistic rage'. She cannot be supportive and caring to you in your time of need, and I would distance myself from her if I were you. Because of my upbringing, I have had to deal with a number of narcissists all my life. The only thing you can do which is will be positive for you in this situation is not to be in contact with her. She will lay into you as her whipping boy and leave you devastated. I was brought up by a mother like this.
You are going through hell. YOu have replicated your relationship with your father/parents in your partner and, very particularly, your 'friend'. Some friend!
yy 23 years is a long time and it will take some getting over. I have been almost exactly where you are now: left an abusive relationship, fled to my parents, made to feel 'unwelcome' [understatement] at my parents, berated by my parents, family turned against me, lost my mind, friends vanished...
It is a dark night of the soul. But you will get through it. Hold on, you will get through it. It may not seem like it now, but you will.
re the sleeping: ADs did it for me. I was calling american prayer lines in the middle of the night; I was in a rabid, desperate place (didn't sleep at all). I would have taken anything to just SLEEP. The AD I was put on (they're different now) made me put on 3st but I slept and I didn't care (what woman doesn't care when she puts on 3st? Just goes to show how desperate I was). You say you've been on ADs for years - are you now? What dose? I was put on the full dose and I slept. It was bliss, bliss, bliss. The beginning of getting my life together (the very beginning, mind...).
It hasn't happened overnight but that terrible, terrible time was a turning point for me. I couldn't believe the pain I was in. It was mind-boggling pain. I lost everything; and everyone I held dear turned on me like a pack of wolves. Nightmarish. turns out they didn't hold me dear because they were incapable of holding anyone dear; though I didn't know or recognise that because I had been brought up by
wolves narcissists. I was surrounded by narcissists, stacked high, to the roof.
You will get through this. You will. You sound great to me. Your friend sounds like pure shit - God help anyone who is subjected to her when they are at their most vulnerable. There are plenty of 'her' about, sadly. During my travels I have met a few 'counsellors' who, at root, despise weakness - or what they consider to be weakness, but is in fact strength. These 'counsellors' have not addressed their own shit, their own weakness.
Take the housing advice given on here. Step forward, one step at a time. Effective help and support may not come through immediately but hold on, it will.
Keep posting xxxxxxxx
YOur friend will rip you apart btw. Don't talk to her about the 'problems in your relationship' (my eye!). She will use it to rip you apart. There isn't much of you left to rip apart tbf.
(she probably does love you - in her way. Some people are incapable of loving properly. btw, she won't get her licence if she has unresolved stuff going on that even a GP recognises.)
I agree you will be unable to 'discuss' your relationship with your friend. My concern is how you get rid of her and stop her trying.
I suspect that letting her talk will give her the chance to rip you apart. I don't think she will take kindly to having the phone put down on her either which is probably the best way to avoid all contact, but I suspect that she will just keep ringing until she has has her say. I really think that you might have to give her a taste of her own medicine and really lay into her and with luck she will be outraged and cut you out, swearing never to speak to you again. She will be doing you a favour. Basically you need to give her something to hold a grudge about. That should be easy to do if you just stand up to her just this once. Don't engage, just tell her how useless she is as a friend, some home truths. She may not acknowledge them but somewhere in her twisted head she will recognise some of it and no narcissist can bear to believe they have failed at anything and she will go. Don't let her attack back though. Put the phone down on a table and walk away if needs be and let her rant. Don't take any of what she says as a reflection on you. Any poison she spews will come from her.
Having said all that, she hasn't phoned you yet. She might already have moved on.
That just my view.
completely agree Bertha
- though that's all very well when you're not up to your neck in a shit storm and reeling from abuse and betrayal tbh. Not so easy to pull off when you're howling in pain
this is the beginning of the rest of your life alltoomuch - a healthier life, with healthier relationships, healthier relationship choices. ime I 'had' to be hit for 6 to get it that my life was totally on the wrong tracks. I had no idea my family were narcs and, as a consequence, I was choosing narcs in every area of my life.
(somewhere on your travels you might like to take a look at CoDA - full of people like you and I who learned to pacify narcs - in order to get a few crumbs from their table - and it became a way of life. Ime it is very common in this group for 'friends' and 'loved ones' to abandon us in our hour of need. And lay the boot in on top - how dare we have needs when the entire relationship has focused on their needs? HOw dare we upset the order of the universe?)
Springytoto - I get what are saying. I just think if this woman goes through with the phonecall, it has to be about damage limitation. I don't think she will be put off by the phone being put down and she shouldn't allowed to do all the talking because of the things she will say. I think Alltoomuch has to get angry and attack or this could drag on and on. No denying it is bloody hard though. Been there with narcissists. They are hard to deal with because they don't behave as any normal person would and it can be hard to know what how things are going.
trouble i have is this.... sadly, an old (as in goes way back...tragically, not old in years at all) and dear friend died a few weeks ago. So, 'friend' and I are both meant to be going to a meet up for old friends, in honour of the deceased. I don't want bad atmosphere. It's not about us/ her. It's about friend who has passed. I hope she gives up on ringing.
then keep her sweet-ish until the meet is over. Pretend you're in a play, fake it (ie do the bare minimum - your narc friend won't even notice the nuance and will take it all on face value). Then, once the meet is over with, let her have it... or not. It's your choice whether you have her in your life or not. You don't have to send a postcard, do a lot of explaining, persuading etc. she shat on you when you were at your very lowest. I know what I'd be deciding and I really don't think some people are worth the breath.
but, yes, grief. It hurts to lose an old friend - but your life is full of grief: for the childhood you didn't have; the loving, supportive parents you didn't have; the loving husband you didn't have. Grieving her will be part of the whole thing - ie you weren't loved when you should have been and deserved to be. Not only that, they kicked you about, sneered at you, screamed at you, blamed you. etc. When it was them who didn't come up with the goods in the first place - and they have made it your fault that you have raised an objection to very poor treatment. But it was also you who accepted all that shit from them - because you were schooled in it from the earliest re 'You are shit and worth nothing so don't think you are'. That's a lie, for a start.
I'm so sorry to hear about the friend you have lost. That must hurt.
yes the timing is awful - it was tragic news, completely out of the blue.(obviously the most awful for his family of course..not for me.. not compared to them anyway...,I didn't mean that to sound as it looks! but yes for me personally....on the back of everything else, a real shock and then such sadness...) It will be good to see old faces though at the meet up.
When i look back on my childhood..i'm looking through rose tinted specs..a lot of it WAS great but then i have to remind myself...my father's violence. If it hadn't become the norm , perhaps i'd feel differently. It did take me a long time (as a child) to learn and then come to terms with (if i ever fully did) the fact that my friends weren't disciplined in the same way as me. I do remember the great stuff - holidays, grandparents etc.. when the nasty stuff comes up i always try to shut it down again. Even now i can't bear thinking about it in too much detail.
I just can't be bothered with friend.. i have to make decisions for the rest of my life..i've got a life to rebuild and put back on track . Whatever that new track will be! I'm starting to feel more positive.......that...if i don't have her , or at least don't care any more what she thinks, the freedom will be enormous. Why do i endlessly justify myself to her! I'm a grown woman. She's younger than me and far more immature, for all her financial investments etc. i don't have to please her or my parents. I have a choice. I'm 42 for **'s sake! I know i've always been a peacemaker and people pleaser. I don't have to! What law is it that says i have to live as others want me to?! if i did, they'd soon change their minds! I would never, ever be able to win. Sounds selfish but i should aim at pleasing myself. How do i develop a really hard skin and stop hearing those critical voices in my head? Distance i suppose..take a leaf out of her book in that way! But this is a complete revelation..i was my own prisoner because i believed i had to justify myself to others! It has taken me so long to realise this!!!!!!!!!!! I want to be selfish for the first time ever and answer to no one.
I am still waiting to speak to the domestic violence advisor i saw in February. We keep missing each other's calls. I need to fill her in and update her as it's been so long. Do you think she'll completely judge me? (ie going back to him because of circumstances, in April). Yes i know what i said above, but she is really lovely and one person i don't want judging me! especially as i didn't take her advice back then.
Sorry for your loss alltoomuch.
I know it is much worse for his family and friends but you have lost somebody too at a time when you have enough to deal with. You are allowed to feel bad.
thanks. I actually hadn't seen friend for years due to his emigrating but he was there as part of the best years of my life and it's terribly sad.....we had got back in touch a few years ago.. finding out circumstances of death put me down in the depths for a couple of weeks.. and how it affects some of my closest friends, who were closer to him..
Your DV worker will not berate you for going back to him. If she's worth her salt (and she probably is) she will know the statistics - that almost all women go back to abusers at least once before they make the final break. As far as she's concerned, you and she will pick up where you left off. She wants you safe and well and will be encouraging you, not telling you off.
i went back to my abuser partly because I hoped it would all work out after all, but predominantly for practical reasons. It takes a while to line everything up, ready to make the jump for good - in the meantime, what are you supposed to do? You can't live on theory. I was a total wreck, a basket case. I had small kids to look after and I couldn't look after myself. It was either they went into care or I gave it another go with their dad (my family were Use.Less.). I went back for a year and used that time to get well (though I knew within a month that the relationship wasn't going to work). I was quite methodical about it - I had to be, I was battling to survive.
I'm LOVING your last post! That's the ticket!
You say you can do what you like - could you use your ex's place (as long as he isn't violent) to hunker down, get well, get a strategy, get support in place; ready for when you are strong enough to step away for good. YOu don't have to tell him you're doing that, of course. You have to look after yourself here.
yes that's what i'm doing in theory, Springy. He's not drinking so there's no nastiness. (there wasn't violence when he was drinking, but the verbal abuse and threats was possibly worse than anything physical). I do have the bedroom here, that's part of it. At least have that for my own peace and space..it's a tiny flat but he has always slept in the lounge. I have room at parents but no privacy. All my mail gets opened and i am questioned and criticised the whole time i am there. I cannot breathe. Plus the bad memories from the past and being treated like a 12 yr old again (only difference, not being hit). Here, there is much on my doorstep.. i can just walk out and do stuff without money..great location. At my parents, i cannot. Grotty town and have to drive everywhere. Curtain twitching neighbours. Parents always worrying about curtain twitching neighbours. Am anonymous here, don't have to answer to anyone. Feel freer. Of course it's not ideal..i can't forget he put me through hell. But i can be more myself and do own thing without every move being watched..i can go out on walks etc.. without needing the car. Home town is not a 'small town' but compared to here it has that feel to it. I don't want to be with ex..it's merely practical arrangement, we are like flatmates. Friend knew this and agreed with me..so i don't know why she changed tune a few months later. I am making best of a bad situation. Am i using 'd' p? or rather, more ex dp as he is now.. yes... i dont feel guilty, he's put me through enough.. and he has some good points about me being here..share bills etc.
And yes..it is hard to make jump for good. I need money behind me. Some days i can't cope with anything practical. It's been hard enough just trying to get benefits. I have to fight for that every month (esa). Some days i'm more motivated and others i just end up looking into space and not able to cope with a thing..hard to explain.. mental and physical exhaustion? brain fog?
Thankyou Springy for not judging and that at last someone else realises that sometimes..you just have to do, what you have to do. and its about survival.. I know i'm not perm here and never intended to be.No one knows what i can cope with, except me. I know i couldnt handle a refuge , allmy friends who have done that, say don't do it! or being on own in a B&B in total isolation as i'd get sent to another town. Here i have broadband and my own room and can get out. I'd feel lost if i was moved to a new town. Facebook and mumsnet etc is my lifeline. I woldnt have that elsewhere. I wish people would realise the entire picture before judging. If i was in a town where i knew NO ONE and didn't have internet..i'd lose the will.. i really would. No one knows me like i do.
Also i really love this town. I adopted it as my home 3.5 yrs ago and i adore it. I'm homesick when i'm back at parents. Its not about bricks and mortar but about the place ... home town is full of a lifetime of bad memories and this place makes me happy despite how DP has been the past yr.
I kept a diary during a very bad time. I'll see if I can link it - hang on...
Basically, you put in tasks each day. It gives you a sense of achievement. On bad days I have been known to write in 'go upstairs' 'clean teeth'. Only I know how momentous those tasks were.
some days I couldn't do a thing - like you say, staring into space. I decided to delete those days from the diary. The counsellor I was seeing at the time - CBT NHS (not half bad, believe it or not) - was genuinely upset that I didn't have compassion for myself for the days I could do nothing. That was a wake-up call. I am more forgiving now (and in my head still tick off tasks - tiny tasks, like 'wrote cheque, put in envelope, posted' [even though I don't necessarily get all those done in one day!]).
Sounds like you have a bolt-hole there. If you have stepped away from him in your head and heart, then perhaps you won't be putting yourself in the position of trying to work things out = handing yourself over for more abuse.
Your parents sound horrific btw. Opening your post ffs?? You don't need to justify any more after that re twitching curtains. The opening post thing is bad enough. Appalling.
Here's the sheet I used.
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