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Dating - The Thread. Come and Share Care and Cheer!

(1000 Posts)

The Rules

1. Develop a thick skin;
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon;
3. It's all BS until it actually happens;
4. Trust your gut instinct;
5. People vanishing, lying and being generally weird to you are not your fault
6. They should be trying to impress you
7. If it's not fun, stop

I am cheeky blush

You're Welcome People....AWFF re-enters the shadows...

Go get 'em

Oh, forgot the number...sorry 59

I commented back then got told there was no room blush

She has nothing to be jealous of! She is pregnant with her first child and living with her fella. She wonders why I dont tell her anything. She also told everyone that visited her that I had a 'fuck buddy' yet I never told her that's what we were as we weren't.

Just cause she has nothing to be jealous of doesn't mean that she isn't jealous.

Maybe she is not a friend but more of a frienemy - (friendly enemy) her actions are not those of: 1) a friend 2) someone who is not jealous.

I just don't understand why she is so obsessed with meeting him or why she felt the need to say that after been told no one will meet him

Movingforward123 Thu 18-Jul-13 21:22:14

Hey everyone, can I pop back in please?

I havnt been on the thread for ages!!!

Well I'm still not really dating, but I thought I would pop in for a chat as I love the gossip wink

I'm not sure whats going on at the moment, but I have got 3 exes that seem to be on my case and also mr rich (not sure if anyone remembers him). We had one date, slept together and then he went cooler after confused

Has anyone read the book mr unavailable and the fallback girl? I'm reading it at the moment and it makes a lot of sense smilesmile

BillMasen Thu 18-Jul-13 21:27:07

Moon girl is texting saying she has no money, would I mind driving to her on sat rather than her coming to me.

This is how it starts. There'll be a cancellation, probably tomorrow, mark my words! smile

I have a free Saturday night. Anyone fancy a drink? smile

Djangounhinged Thu 18-Jul-13 21:27:19

Thanks for new thread AWFF! smile

And nice to see Moving too, sounds like a good read - can you summarise?! wink

Really, your friend sounds like she has a vested interest in criticising everything you do - she sounds mighty insecure. Tell her to butt out?

I'll wear one of me dresses Bill and I'll try my best to behave (tall order)

Djangounhinged Thu 18-Jul-13 21:29:18

Oh Bill, Moon girl is so predictable, isn't she? Shame on her hmm. What did you tell the Italian, in the end?

Hi Djangounhinged I am suppose to be lurking grin


I'm just getting ready as he's picking me up anytime now. He wanted me to watch him at football but I would rather sit at home and enjoy some toddler free alone time grin

I haven't replied to her and wont be getting in touch with her either.

Kirstywirsty Thu 18-Jul-13 21:40:48

Bill tell moongirl to get to fuck that you are busy sorry .. You deserve so much better

Just marking my spot .. I am in Crete with my mum and daughter .. We have met a lovely family from Northern Ireland and our DDs have bonded through a love of one Direction and the pool .. Got a date with FriendofFriend (FoF) when I get back and he is booking somewhere 'awesome' for our 2nd date (albeit a month since the last obedient to holidays )

Kirstywirsty Thu 18-Jul-13 21:43:03

Obedient = one due ( bloody predictive text!!)

Winefiend Thu 18-Jul-13 21:44:42

SP I would be inclined to tell her to go to the far side of fuck and then go ffuck herself, the cheeky bitch.

bill well, I would offer my services but I am on the bad side of ranty atm so my company is probably not amazing grin

I have quite poss had the worst working day in history. High emotions, the press being fucking cunts and just urrrrgh. I would say more if i could but it's all over the news anyway and today i have witnessed a disgusting miscarriage of justice. A young lad sent down for something he did not do. I am going through an 'everyone fuck off' phase as I have had little support from friends (one of the joys of being a 'rescuer', noone ever thinks you may occasionally need a shoulder) today and I am PISSED OFF. A few folk I know are very close to getting my infamous fuck off tablet as I am sick of being expected to prop people up and getting nowt back. Fuck that, I get paid to do that and I get more back from my clients at the best (worst) of times.

Winefiend Thu 18-Jul-13 21:45:12

Oh and I have just swallowed a moth

Movingforward123 Thu 18-Jul-13 21:48:41

Djang - mr unavailable and the fallback girl, it is a very straight talking book about women that always have men that are emotionally unavailable. The key point that I have taken from the book so far is that the fallback girl that often seems to really want commitment, is actually emotionally unavailable herself! shockshock

I have been commitment phobic after breaking up with dds dad and went for typical mr unavailables! But from reading this book I can tell that all of my men have been emotionally unavailable for different reasons. Even the ones that seemed madly in love with me and needy, they were also unavailable.

It talks a lot about self esteem, and what may have made these fallback women emotionally unavailable. Like I said very straight talking and extremely relevant to me. confused

It also talks about how mr unavailable likes to keep a toe in your life just incase he at some point wants you.

And look at the proof, all of my exes have been in contact within the last few days, they are still hanging around and I unfortunately let them. blushblush

Movingforward123 Thu 18-Jul-13 21:49:05

Sorry that was a very long summarisation grin

Movingforward123 Thu 18-Jul-13 21:51:22

Wine - sending hugs and winewine I'm sure you could do with it! How did you manage to swallow a moth?

Winefiend Thu 18-Jul-13 21:55:12

Oh moving bless you, I am in the garden on the vino (as I daren't go in amd watch news for fear of kicking the telly down the street).

The moth found its way into my wine glass. Extra protein I reckon grin

Movingforward123 Thu 18-Jul-13 22:08:26

Oh that fu**er tried to ruin you glass of wine!! confused

I would love to join you for a glass, but unfortunately I am studying! hmm

Also not sure if you remember bt I sprained my ankle months back which took ages to repair and still is not very strong. Well today I went over on my other ankle. It really hurts and I'm worried about it. I'm sat here with an ice pack on the ankle and trying to do course work. Not fun confusedconfused

mummytasha11 Thu 18-Jul-13 22:22:56

Hi everyone

New here...newly single for the first time..

Can someone please tell me why a guy goes cold after spending two nights together? Which I thought were pretty good blush and now he is one word answering my texts...

Feeling a bit used and low!

Words of wisdom needed please fellow single ladies

Djangounhinged Thu 18-Jul-13 22:24:39

Moving that was a fab summarisation, thank you smile. I recognised lots of that too and have to admit that I have a couple of Mr Unavailables who contact me intermittently.... To my shame I keep telling myself I'll tell them to piss off once I've met someone worth totally dumping them for... And even more to my shame, nice man who I'm meeting next week (see end of last thread!) might just be the fellow as he sounds ACE, but I'm already reticent because it means I'll have to stop responding to x and y's sporadic messages.... Think I can feel a kindle download coming on!

Ishoos, moi??! blush

Wine, sorry you've had a shit day, how dare that moth soak up some of your wine, glad he got his just deserts. Hope some of your friends step up for you over the next few days.

Winefiend Thu 18-Jul-13 22:32:55

moving oooh ouch! Ice and elevate!

django aaah thanks, we shall see. I'm now at the retreating into my cave stage so I doubt anyone will get owt out of me now. Wine is the key grin

OhWesternWind Thu 18-Jul-13 22:38:11

Just got back from dinner with Alpha which all went exactly as predicted. Lovely meal/chat/snog/evening generally but nothing more. No chance to raise the subject with him as not very private at all in the restaurant.

Cursing myself for a vomit-returning dog as I somehow appear to have texted LM. Arse.

Movingforward123 Thu 18-Jul-13 22:40:32

Djang - this book is a must read for you, I really recommend it. Not saying I'm cured by any means, but I am starting to understand all of the mr unavailables more, and much more importantly myself too. Also if your anything like me you will find ur mr nice "too nice" and do something to ruin it. Hopefully your not like me in that way.

Movingforward123 Thu 18-Jul-13 22:43:35

Tasha11 - was he very full on to begin with? And now he's gone cold, that happens a lot unfortunately! Sorry to keep going on about this book grin but maybe he is a mr unavailable?

They go hot and cold, he is now going cold because he needs to manage your expectations, because god forbid you might want some form of commitment!!

porridgecarver Thu 18-Jul-13 22:48:09

So is there a way to predict whether they will go cold Moving, I have a 4th date tomorrow, dinner/Dinner a definite possibility

Winefiend Thu 18-Jul-13 22:49:23

Oh christ oww what have you texted him?

OhWesternWind Thu 18-Jul-13 22:54:14

Nothing too awful, just said I think about him too sometimes and asked how he is. No kisses, no miss you etc but probably not a good idea. Fed up with myself.

ALittleStranger Thu 18-Jul-13 22:56:22

OWW I'm getting frustrated on your behalf now! Was the conversation sexually charged at all? I do think you're going to have to do some boldish move to move this forward.

bigstrongmama Thu 18-Jul-13 22:56:29

Moving - that book sounds fascinating... think I will get a copy, though 'unavailable' sounds like me at the mo!

Tasha - showing his true colours? Whether it is intentional or not, it's rude and mean of him, and not your fault.

ALittleStranger Thu 18-Jul-13 22:58:57

Bant I meant to ask earlier what Frenchy meant by chemistry? I think to claim never to have found chemistry with anyone is odd, and makes me wonder if she's looking for something that doesn't actually exist?

I hope you've settled on the appropriate emotional response to the divorce btw. Tits out etc.

BloomingRose Thu 18-Jul-13 23:01:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OhWesternWind Thu 18-Jul-13 23:02:04

Stranger the conversation was mildly flirtatious, he was saying how much he enjoys going out with me, but sexually-charged? Nah. Do NOT know what to do. I can't make a move in a posh restaurant or parked up in front of my house with my dd curtain twitching! This is very odd and I'm stuck.

BillMasen Thu 18-Jul-13 23:03:14

fuzzy being badly behaved is not always a bad thing.

django not said anything yet, and still undecided as to whether I'm tempted in a "scoring points" way or not. If that the reason, then I shouldn't say anything. I'm not a game player.

OhWesternWind Thu 18-Jul-13 23:04:35

Right - he's just texted to say he's home and he's had a very lovely evening in my company. Help, quick - need to text something back to say yes, but it would have been even better if we'd had a shag but worded a little differently grin

ALittleStranger Thu 18-Jul-13 23:05:09

OWW I am coming around to the idea that a Buffy style direct approach may be in order. It will be undetectable to fellow diners but he'll know exactly what the options are and the onus is firmly on him to make the physical move.

BloomingRose Thu 18-Jul-13 23:06:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ALittleStranger Thu 18-Jul-13 23:07:01

x-post. Is there a reason you can't host dinner/Dinner at yours? If not I would say yes lovely evening, I'd love to treat you next time, how about dinner at mine?

Or something about how the evening always seems to end early?

BloomingRose Thu 18-Jul-13 23:07:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BloomingRose Thu 18-Jul-13 23:07:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheTitleSaysItAllReally Thu 18-Jul-13 23:09:59

Well, I think I have soundly fucked everything up with Mr Lovely. Though, with the arsiness displayed this evening I'm not sure whether he is lovely or not... Perhaps you could all give me some feedback but be prepared - it's long and very he said she said!

On Monday I asked if we could see each other Fri night, that I had no plans other than leaving early Sun am. He asked what was wrong with Sat as he was busy Fri and suggested Thurs and Sat. He said something that night about not seeing me and I said I had been wanting to on Fri but he's busy. I reassured him that life becomes a bit less frantic in September as I'm aware that I've not been able to see much of him. After a bit of argy bargy I said that I had anticipated him coming round here on Friday and then staying here til I left on Sunday. No firm commitment either way.

On Tuesday I said that I would buy dinner this w/e - he insists on paying an awful lot so I wanted to make a stand. He said ok. When I asked what his plans were he was noncommittal again. When I asked which night he wanted to go out he didn't say. I tried to press later on whether we'd see each other Friday night or not and he didn't commit - again.

On Thursday he asked if one of my dcs would be there on Fri. I said no, so company would be good - nudge nudge... Nothing.

This morning I told him where I was hoping to eat tomorrow night. Then later he said that he was tired, that eating out might be better Saturday rather than Friday. So I said that was ok, that I could make arrangements to see a friend on Friday if he was tired and we could spend all day Saturday together and he could stay on Sat night. Half an hour later I checked to see what he thought and he said he was thinking why bother? So I explained that I thought he'd meant he didn't want to see me on Friday, but perhaps I'd got the wrong end of the stick - I could see this friend another time easily. So he quoted what I'd said on Monday about seeing him all w/e and then asked 'or was that until a better offer came along?'

Aaargh. I said I didn't know if that was what he'd wanted as he's always so non-committal, that I've not had a better offer, that I wanted to spend time with him but that he always seems to leave arrangements hanging and then I can't read him.

I really like him but I'm wondering if this tendency to leave things hanging was attractive because it is the complete antithesis of ex who had everything nailed down years ahead of time? I can't do that though. I don't mind being spontaneous - but I have a family, I have to plan things. I don't mean that every detail has to be planned but I at least have to know when I might be seeing someone.

I sent that last message at half 8 - no response. He could well be asleep as he's knackered through early mornings at the moment but he'd sent his snipey comment about better offers less than 10 mins previously.

He's being an arse isn't he? In which case I'm done. I do not have the time or energy or desire to play games. He was so promising in many ways though sad

Djangounhinged Thu 18-Jul-13 23:11:14

Hmmm Moving you're so right, I can feel myself going into sabotage mode.... I'm definitely going to get the book! Have just realised that I'd be a fool to not give nice man a chance not at all swayed by the fact that he's just told me he drives a fast car, I'm not shallow just in case one of my Unavailables pops up again.

Tasha, I don't think Dinner should be on the menu if he's already blowing hot and cold, it'll only get worse afterwards... And he's already got you feeling low, that's not right and you deserve better than that.

48howdidthathappen Thu 18-Jul-13 23:12:04

Oh bloody hell Oww still nowt doing shock

So you texted LM. Its no biggie. You wouldn't go there again would you?

BillMasen Thu 18-Jul-13 23:12:54

oww I've kind of stuck up for him so far as I know what it's like when everyone thinks you're this super confident type, and actually you're just really worried about being pushy or making unwanted advances. To the extent that you need a flashing neon sign saying its not unwelcome.

Have you been clear? I mean clear enough that even this type of bloke would know? If so, then he's odd or something's not right. If you haven't, then I can see why he's being the way he is. Alpha male on the outside doesn't always mean confident on the inside.

OhWesternWind Thu 18-Jul-13 23:15:15

Can't have him round here Stranger as I have my dcs here full time, otherwise that would be a great plan.

I just haven't the self confidence to make a very overt move here sad.

Rose he's literally spent hundreds of pounds taking me out to fancy restaurants over the last few weeks. He's also spending a lot of time texting and messaging. Not that I'm not fab, but that's an awfully big investment to make just for a bit of chat and a quick snog. I really don't get it.

BloomingRose Thu 18-Jul-13 23:16:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheTitleSaysItAllReally Thu 18-Jul-13 23:21:18

Yep, that's what my instinct is telling me. Aw fuck sad He seemed so nice but he's just not behaved nicely has he?

Oh well. I'll get over it. It was a short-term flirtation. I can deal with that. I proved a lot to myself with this flirtation anyway, so it's not a waste of time!

Djangounhinged Thu 18-Jul-13 23:21:52

OWW have you texted him back yet? I think you have nothing to lose by being quite direct now - because I suspect you're on the verge of canning it if it continues in this vein any longer.... He won't know that though, so it's only fair to outline his options now - bed or bust! And if Bill is right, he's going to be so grateful you've let him know how the land lies smile

BloomingRose Thu 18-Jul-13 23:22:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OhWesternWind Thu 18-Jul-13 23:23:41

Nowt doing 48.

Bill. I think I've made it clear that I "like" him, am enthusiastic participant in snogging sessions, but I've not said anything a la Buffy so if he's not good at signals and hints then he could be waiting for the green light still.

I have bought a Wowcher voucher for restaurant near him and am going to suggest using that next time, then will see if he invites me in (or will invite myself). Can't think of anything better.

Title I think it all sounds like a bit of a misunderstanding and crossed wires - give him another chance.

ALittleStranger Thu 18-Jul-13 23:23:46

Title I confess that it's been a long day and I can't entirely follow who promised what to whom, but that does sound like he's being unnecessary difficult. I don't even have kids but it's natural when making plans to a) be specific and b) make clear that you will want to do something else with your time if someone can't come good for you. It sounds more like he's flaky and doesn't get how vague he's been rather than trying deliberately to rattle you, but I'd be keeping the Mr Lovely title under review!

Djangounhinged Thu 18-Jul-13 23:23:59

Title you're right, he is being quite passive aggressive and his true colours are beginning to show. You'll spot those traits quicker next time. I'm sorry he didn't come up to scratch sad

lubeybooby Thu 18-Jul-13 23:24:31

Hello thread 59. A quick pop back from me.

All still well with Mr Flirt. Had a GORGEOUS weekend with him last weekend. Ooo-er. grin

Winefiend Thu 18-Jul-13 23:33:05

oww hmmm it is all very odd. I mean, you've done the snogging and mild groping so naturally, well, y'know what comes next... You don't think he's a bit of a Oor Ken in that he wants to control exactly when and where the sex comes (so to speak) and wants to ensure the lady is a 'lady' do you? It doesn't sound like he has cunty tendencies so I'd be surprised, it just crossed my mind bearing in mind the whole 'I want to romance and wine and dine someone and sex comes later' pish Oor Ken put on me despite him clearly not being able to control himself and blaming that on me, twat

Don't get into the 'friendly' texting with LM either. I am still doing it with my twatty ex and (thankfully) thanks to his complete lack of empathy today (he knew what was going off and ceased texting when i said how upset i was) I now intend to ignore the stupid cunt from hereon in. I realised this week I only hear from him when I am not shagging someone or he needs propping up. Fuck off you stupid little bastard.

48howdidthathappen Thu 18-Jul-13 23:41:41

Have to say seems veryodd to me Oww If a man hadn't wanted to get naked with me by now I would have lost all interest. I mean it usually just happens, doesn't it confused

hostesswithleastest Thu 18-Jul-13 23:45:30

hehe Winefiend I love your attitude to ex.

I should have developed that to mine long ago. I only heard from him when he was horny and there was nothing glamorous enough going on with his youngg media I don't hear from him at all, for obvious reasons (he pulled someone on media circuit no doubt, and I am now entirely surplus to requirements).

These fake 'friends' are such a bloody waste of time and energy.

Speaking of time and energy I've got a second date coming up with nice non monogamous bloke from OKC.

I snogged him last time and although stupidly horny as always I am scared stiff to DTD.

You may recall my recent one night stand with a MUCH younger man did not end well. In fact it ended in a totally vile text enquiring if he needed to check for diseases (fucked up little prick really... no one forced him to shag me twice, with condom I hasten to add).

Now the thing is I'd been with ex for 3 years before this and got used to him and a certain level of familiarity/ease. I've got scars from surgery on my body including a big abdominal one, that he was used to of course but now I'm really scared of revealing them to someone else. Didn't care that much with the ONS, but am wondering if that was one of the reasons he was so weird and vile the next day- cos I look horrible naked.

I know the only way is just to plunge in and DTD but it feels so horribly exposing and not sexy at all.

Also I may be getting the curse- which is a definite no no for first date shag and would solve the problem. If date is expecting shag I assume one simply slips away in a ladylike fashion? blimey. I am not good at this stuff as tend to just blurt out everything way too soon.

hostesswithleastest Thu 18-Jul-13 23:46:46

Agreed OWW I would be getting weird vibes by now. I would however probably have just blurted out 'do you want to shag or not??' which might not have helped :/

48howdidthathappen Thu 18-Jul-13 23:46:53

My dad used to buy a lady friend flowers and gifts every week for years. He had no intention of it developing any further, was still in love with my mum. But he did enjoy the wooing. The lady friend was quite happy with her gifts. Nowt as strange as folk.

hostesswithleastest Thu 18-Jul-13 23:48:35

48 my mum would have gone mental if my dad did that!! She'd have considered it cheating...

48howdidthathappen Thu 18-Jul-13 23:50:18

Hostess. My mum left my dad way before the lady friend. Sorry wasn't clear blush

ALittleStranger Thu 18-Jul-13 23:50:31

Have you replied yet OWW?

Having agreed exclusivity with my not going to marry him chap, I'm weighing up whether to agree to talk about "us" with someone else who I know is interested and I sort of got of the starting blocks with recently. It's wrong isn't it?

48howdidthathappen Thu 18-Jul-13 23:52:49

Hmm. trying to get my head round that one stranger

ALittleStranger Thu 18-Jul-13 23:55:06

Because of dodgy typing or dodgy ethics? hmm

Movingforward123 Thu 18-Jul-13 23:56:09

Porridge - I think the type of guy will e a fast forwarder often, so wants to sleep with you quickly or seems like he wants to be in a committed relationship quickly. Then can also go cold quickly.

Not sure what the other signs are off the top of my head.

They can also be victim types, like everyone leaves me/cheats etc.

I'm sure there are millions more signs that I can't thnk of right now.

48howdidthathappen Thu 18-Jul-13 23:59:45

Hostess. I haven't met any men with perfect bodies smile

Yay for Mr Flirt lubey grin Is he the one you were starting to have feelings for?

Title sorry he didn't turn out to be quite who you thought he was.

48howdidthathappen Fri 19-Jul-13 00:02:00

The situation Stranger Can't imagine talking to a maybe about a dead cert. If you get my drift.

lurkinglorna Fri 19-Jul-13 00:04:22

hostess only certified dickheads whose main sexual experience is internet porn make the other person self conscious about scars or whatever...maybe wait till you're a bit more "comfortable" with the guy if you're not certain, but do remember if he makes you self conscious it's SO him not you...(if you're really self conscious put on a negligee)

yeah re: period just say "sorry, ladies issues" or something! its a little bit blush but i think most solid guys actually find it sweet that a woman can "confess" to him rather than just say NO to sex. you can make out until the pants are due to come off some men have their red wings or want to get them so you may find this isn't a problem

Winefiend Fri 19-Jul-13 00:06:37

hostess ah yes. Made all the more irritating by the fact we split up because he decided to go back to his ex ('for the kids' - yes, one of those). So we went back to being friends after a long period of NC and I have tried very hard to maintain boundaries. Still, he texts me constantly (under the guise of 'friends') and if I dare to mention a bloke I am getting on with strangely the texts dry up for a while. If I am having ishooos with one or defiantly single, he is full of his shit (self absorbed) chat. Stupid prick, I need to just ignore and let him get on with his shitey miserable life. He still texts me for advice too, the cheeky cunt.

lurkinglorna Fri 19-Jul-13 00:10:46

Winefiend sorry you had a shit day sad

(i had involvement with the courts with serious family issues as a girl/young woman, and i find it comforting and amazing to think that someone involved in the court process "from the other side" actually gives a shit about what happens!)

hostesswithleastest Fri 19-Jul-13 00:17:43

Winefiend DEFINITE NC there. I should have done it with ex loooong ago. As it was the git ended up cutting ME off! How dare he smile

You sound as if you have given this guy wayyyy too much rope already. He may even be texting in case he decides the kids don't need him any more and he can work out whether he could weasel his way back...

Agree 48 no perfect bodies on men.. I think my ONS thought of himself as a bit of an Adonis, and kind of was tbh, although without my wine goggles the overwhelming arrogance would have put me right off ...but if so why pursue a 40 year old woman who has had 2 kids then get all disgusted? I do know the answer tbh- young idiot does not know what actually wants...

bugger must invest in a negligee.... I also had breast reconstruction after some issues with lumps a while back- they look ok but are very HARD! and pretty obviously fake... which also worries me. Sigh. Ex may have been a wanker but I never had to explain any of that.

Winefiend Fri 19-Jul-13 00:19:34

lorna ah thankfully (speaking from the past few weeks' experience) I am not on the side you're thinking of but I am on the family side, if that makes sense. It is not the norm for my job at all, but when shit happens, it happens and folk need support (and that is what I'm paid for!).

That being said, the court staff this week, and today in particular, have been fucking amazing. I'll hold my tongue on the legal/police side.

Winefiend Fri 19-Jul-13 00:23:53

hostess aaah you are definitely right there. He is definitely holding out for a shag I imagine and is clinging on to the idea that I still want to shag him. He has been rather odd since I saw him at the pub a couple of months ago and buggered off early as I was bored. Ah he can go shaft himself really.

Re: breast reconstruction - with the right one and good chemistry, that won't matter a jot grin

lurkinglorna Fri 19-Jul-13 00:50:13

Title yeah i find being difficult about scheduling to be a sign of passive aggressiveness - even if you're being uber-reasonable in trying to find some time together they want you to "display how much you like them" by being at their social beck and call! not good!

one guy i dated would ALWAYS leave me hanging on texts, or commit to one plan then cancel or "forget" at the last minute. done in a very polite and charming way though so i didn't call him out! looking back, i think although there was good mutual attraction, he wanted me "off balance and constantly calling/chasing after/obsessing over him". he was quite insecure in some ways, and i think was trying to train me into being more affectionate/accommodating?

ponygirlcurtis Fri 19-Jul-13 01:01:34

Hello all. Been lurking for a while. Am separated from my abusive husband, am living on my own with my two kids, and am dipping a toe in the water again with POF.

Been chatting to a seemingly nice bloke. He's funny, he's sweet. Yadda yadda. He's asked me on a date. I have said yes, and given him lots of places/times/general suggestions. But. He's got two kids - one lives with him, the other doesn't. So he needs to sort childcare. And he lives in another town about 7 miles away from me but doesn't drive. hmm

Upshot is - he asked me out on a date three days ago. We are still messaging backwards and forwards trying to arrange something. I am banging my head in frustration sometimes.

So: is it worth putting in some effort to arrange something, or if it's hard work like this already is it better to walk away?

Disclaimer: I don't really want to walk away, I just would really like someone to kiss and hold me again, but I know, I know, I know...

lubeybooby Fri 19-Jul-13 01:20:50

48 yes him. slowest burner ever but HUMMANA HUMMANA it's getting good now. I'm going to start calling him Henry now though because that's what I call him to my best mate. He actually has a name the same as far too many of the men I know but Henry suits him far better grin

It keeps getting better and HOLY COW he's a fast learner shock grin grin grin

Aw. I'm all soppy. Still not official though mind but we're getting a bit braver...

lurkinglorna Fri 19-Jul-13 01:29:12

@ ponygirlcurtis


re: effort, i think i'd take a step back in a non-confrontational way, and just "leave it with him" smile rather than keep chatting and trying to pin a time down/practically help him out.

so just "ok, you know i'm up for meeting, let me know, bye". then the only reason he should contact you again is when he knows what he is doing HIMSELF re:childcare and transport and wants to check a day/time with you.

reckon you don't want to be dating someone who can't organise a simple meet without having his hand held, so its a bad sign if its already requiring too much of input on your part now.

as its first internet meet you don't know you're gonna click in person, so i wouldn't "stress" too much about it (easier said than done, of course you "hope" you'll click but no guarantee).

ponygirlcurtis Fri 19-Jul-13 01:45:27

Thank you Lorna. I have tried to step back and leave it with him. It's not really worked. I think I know this is a non-starter, but I just sooooo want to have a connection with someone snog with someone that I am letting it go on. Anyway, seems that I have managed to get a day out of him - Sunday, if my DM can babysit my DCs - but as yet no time, or venue...

ALittleStranger Fri 19-Jul-13 07:15:13

<Puts on bossy to-the-point face>

Now Ponygirl do you think that attitude is in line with the Dating Thread Rules? Being prepared to minimise or overlook behaviour because you want a connection snog is the way OD madness lies.

TheTitleSaysItAllReally Fri 19-Jul-13 07:21:36

Hello ponygirl I'd do as suggested and leave it up to him to spell it out. Hard though when you crave it so much...

Do, no news whatsoever re Mr Unlovely. No response at all. I'm minded just to ignore now. If he texts me later at work I'm not sure what I'd say but the essence of it would be 'fuck off manchild' grin

I am a bit sad but its early days enough to feel relieved I dodged a bullet. Also relieved that my bullshit radar is working and finely tuned and set to high. That might be my past talking but I'm not ever going to be in a position where I'm the underdog in any relationship and that's what I felt he wanted. Someone said it earlier (can't scroll, on phone) that he wanted me to prove how much I wanted to see him etc. I didn't sleep much last night and thought lots and I think you're right. I totally do not have time for that even if I wanted to which I don't.

So, one to chalk up to experience and at least I got a Damn good shag out of it grin

Bant Fri 19-Jul-13 10:00:40


More updates later

ALittleStranger Fri 19-Jul-13 10:05:34

Hoorah Bant

Kirstywirsty Fri 19-Jul-13 10:31:29

You can't do that bant spill!!!

TheTitleSaysItAllReally Fri 19-Jul-13 10:40:37

bant grin hope it's more than just Dinner...

hostesswithleastest Fri 19-Jul-13 11:11:40

The title sounds very sensible. Wish I could be so sensible.

On verge of cancelling date with mr non monogamous... I just feel really self conscious and horrible about body today and it won't go well....

hostesswithleastest Fri 19-Jul-13 11:12:17

And yes please spill bant

Blondie1969 Fri 19-Jul-13 11:21:33

@ ponygirlcurtis

Have you suggested ringing to discuss. That may do two things. One provide a list of potential times and dates. As other people have said he cannot come up with somewhere he can get to and arrange childcare with reasonable notice then as others have suggested it may mean he cannot be bothered which does not bode well!!

Secondly sometimes a phone call (a short one) helps break the ice prior to meeting.

Good luck

Bant Fri 19-Jul-13 11:37:59

Ok. So FrenchGirl has been here for a few days, we've toured the city, seen the sights, it's been pretty great. Sleeping in separate rooms.

It was getting a little weird with her wanting a cuddle on the sofa, walking round town linking arms or holding hands like a couple, long deep looks into each others eyes while talking about anything and everything.

She's doing online dating and meeting weird guys who lie about everything (see? The French men do it too) and they're either incredibly arrogant, or bitter, or just.. meh.

Yesterday, though, she went to hold hands and I said we really couldn't, because she knew how I felt about her and that wasn't helping. She said she saw me as a big brother, which is really not what a guy wants to hear, and I said so. So, out for drinks last night, dinner, met up with some friends of mine, I got chatting to some new people, we came back home at 3am and ended up talking a lot more.

She said she doesn't know if she can give me what I want, and I said, basically, fuck that. It's not about knowing, it's about trying. If she doesn't take a risk, she doesn't get any reward. She said the chemistry was there with me a bit and she loved me but why didn't I try to seduce her when she arrived? I've been friendly and sweet and nice since she came, and she loves me for it, but I'm acting like a big brother too.

So, we argued a bit last night, I went to bed before I said something I couldn't take back. Like 'why won't you just shut up and marry me?' which would be a Silly Thing to Say.

Then this morning I seduced her after coffee and before toast. It's changed things a bit. We're grinning at each other afterward, she's gone for a nap because she didn't sleep much last night.

I don't know what the future holds, I don't know if we can get together, I don't know whether I could try and get a relocation to Paris at some point, or what. But the chemistry is there, we make each other laugh a lot, I look after her, which she likes and says no one else could ever make her feel protected like I do.

But, Distance is a bugger. She's got a choice that she keeps going on trying to find someone better than me, at which point I'll go no contact with her, or we try and work out if we can make things work.

I get a feeling the next couple of days are going to hurt. But - no risk, no reward.

sorry I can't comment on everyone else's stuff, I haven't had time to read it all. Hello new people, hello old people. Love from hungaria

BloomingRose Fri 19-Jul-13 12:10:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

joblot Fri 19-Jul-13 12:33:22

Good luck bant- nothing ventured, nothing gained. Just be mindful you may be a bit more emotionally vulnerable due to your divorce? Or not of course.

At least you get a jump or 2. Which is a damn sight more than I'm getting

OhWesternWind Fri 19-Jul-13 13:30:59

Hi Pony - arranging things by text can be a nightmare sometimes and much easier to talk about especially if both of you are having to sort out childcare etc. I'd second giving him a call (maybe texting first to say you'll call to sort out arrangements) and I bet you will have it sorted in a few minutes.

Really sorry Title.

Bant whoo whoo whoo!!! Good start, anyway - you've cut through all the big brother bs and I'm really hoping you can work something out.

Feeling quite low and fed up today.

BloomingRose Fri 19-Jul-13 13:40:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OhWesternWind Fri 19-Jul-13 14:54:15

He did reply last night Rose so here I am back in the same position. Fed up with myself for being so stupid as I KNOW that getting back into something with this man is a bad idea.

TheTitleSaysItAllReally Fri 19-Jul-13 15:01:50

I'm missing the texts sad though I have continued to be sensible and I have deleted the app that we used as IM as I only used it with him.

Still, I've had a gander at who's about on match. Started a couple of conversations so we'll see what's about there. I'm half tempted to put a profile up on POF too. Heck, I have a childfree, datefree weekend so what's the harm in it?!

48howdidthathappen Fri 19-Jul-13 15:26:36

Off to Scotland shortly.

Now you all be bad. In a good way smile

ponygirlcurtis Fri 19-Jul-13 17:42:07

Title I guarantee if you put a profile up on POF you'll be inundated with emails! And there might even been someone decent among them. grin Worth a shot maybe. You are worth much more than he has to offer. Better you found out now than further in.

Bant you are a smooth mover!!

Thanks for the advice, going to speak on the phone tonight I think. We've been chatting on POF, so not texting (I hate texting for that kind of thing too). I really don't think it's that he's not bothered i bloody hope not more that he can't seem to get his act together - he said his mum was unsure about babysitting in an evening because over the summer she's had his son all day as well - and other obstacles. Part of me thinks it will always be hard work with him, but I am trying to leave it all with him now, I've told him I'm free Sunday, he says he is too, I said he just needs to give me a time... and I'm still waiting! I just blinking well want him to organise this piss-up in the brewery because I am well up for a snog looking forward to our date now.

scrazy Fri 19-Jul-13 18:35:31

Bant, the situations sounds very similar to me and LT, except of course it's he who 'carn't give me anymore'. It's infuriating and makes me feel that I'm not even worth a try. There isn't a distance problem for us, well not in miles anyway.

OWW, with Alpha, I would suggest that when he says he had a great night etc, tell him in a jokey way that you are worried he doesn't fancy you. With LM, not sure, 'if it's still on your mind it's still in your heart', It would have taken a will of steel to not reply. You don't have to act on it, if he wants to meet up, ask if anything will change.

Nothing happening with me, except LT wants to meet up. I will bite the bullet and say not unless something changes. I know the answer anyway but I'm feeling OK about it, just get pangs of longing, sometimes.

scrazy Fri 19-Jul-13 18:37:53

Sorry, forgot my manners, hi to everyone else.

Newstart13 Fri 19-Jul-13 18:46:59

99 messages in a day good going!

There's so much on here that I can't really touch the sides but I will try..

*48 enjoy Scotland
oww hmmm. A jokey 'do you fancy me' could work? But only if you're not so fed up you dont want to hear a negative or worrying answer... Re LM don't beat yourself up. Just be careful I think, it's soooooo hard when you care for someone and want them to have changed...
bant really hope you're enjoying yourself. When does she leave? Really hope she wakes up and smells the coffee and stops facing around looking for perfect whe. You are there wink
pony hope you are sorted after the phone call, good plan.. If not, at least you tried smile
Title sounds frustrating.. A pof surf might help with insouciance (which I'm sure you already have in spades) and you're not committed to him...

I know I've missed loads but its been a busy day on here!

Date 3 with FP tomorrow - daytime again, barely any contact this week (mutual and no big deal) we'll see.. He's coming with me to something I wanted to go to anyway so it's sweet of him really, about a 90min drive for him, he's moved his golf game to Sunday to make it, and is picking me up - hope I'm worth it confused

Snapespeare Fri 19-Jul-13 19:16:56

bant I'm putting a wee bit of your post down to post-sex hormones, but I do think you're a little premature with relation to a LTR, especially as you seem to be contemplating a move en France. hmm it's way too early for that kind of discussion. Just not now, glory in your non-family status, your decree is very absolute. Have a lovely, fun time in the now, leave the conte,platoons for another time.

Friday night nameless substitute is a bottle of M&S intalian white, salmon and peas n rice and Olivia Colman. Not too shabby, but had grr-day at work and could do with a cuddle. Meh.

OhWesternWind Fri 19-Jul-13 19:25:30

Scrazy am currently stricken by pangs of longing too. Incredibly pissed off with myself for being so weak willed. I know his faults and that he's no good, but I miss him. Been texting back and forth a bit this afternoon, so bittersweet and I just miss him. sad All self-inflicted so no need to sympathise, could probably do with a kick up the fundament instead. I think you're doing the right thing not meeting up, I don't think they really change.

Hostess hope you're feeling a bit better. Did you cancel? I understand the body stuff and it's difficult.

Bant what's happened since breakfast?

48 just have a fabulous time.

Rose hope you're ok. Not long now!

New you're worth it and more.

Snapespeare Fri 19-Jul-13 19:29:07

oww do you miss him, or the idea of him? From what you have said, I see him as interchangeable; it's the 'comfort' of knowing what you are getting and the familiarity Vs. the shit-mire of OD. don't do anything (doing nothing is also a conscious choice)

OhWesternWind Fri 19-Jul-13 19:40:20

Oh Snape I don't know. The thought of someone who knows me, knows the dc, who I have shared history and private jokes with is just so very seductive. And he honestly was the best shag I've ever had, exactly on my wavelength and I miss that a lot. But he's horribly bad news, nothing good will come of this but I'm just so tempted to see where this goes.

lurkinglorna Fri 19-Jul-13 19:40:51

Hello everyone! hot as hell here!

The european and I became lovers last night, nothing earth-shattering but pleasant enough smile - so I'm in the "had sex, affection and contact there but gotta see what happens next" camp?

T2710 Fri 19-Jul-13 19:51:21

Hey all! Haven't been on here for a few weeks so couldn't possibly recap on all that's gone on but I thought I'd pop over and say hello and see what's going on.

I've been dating someone for about a month, seen rather a lot of him and it seems to be going well. He's stayed here, I've stayed there. Saw him today as he's off on hol for a week tomorrow but it actually felt a bit odd. Got strange vibes when we 'departed'. Hoping I'm just worrying as I genuinely do like him. Had to throw in the bloody 'are we dating other people' line via text earlier though didnt I. Doh. Hope I don't appear needy, would just be good to know.

OhWesternWind Fri 19-Jul-13 19:58:10

What sort of odd T? Could he just have been a bit preoccupied about his hols?

T2710 Fri 19-Jul-13 20:21:10

I'm not sure i can't really label it. I think what cemented the thoughts is that when he dropped me off he didn't come in, which is odd for him. I did text to see if everything was ok and he said he had stuff to do etc and he did feel a little diff but though that was just coz he was looking forward to his hol :-s

Hmm. Will see if/what he says in a text later. Was all going great up to that point. Perhaps I'm being ridiculous. Just odd he effectively ignored my dating other people thing. I did say though, that didnt include his hol.

KinNora Fri 19-Jul-13 20:34:02

A brief, in-transit post from me as I'm heading back up north for the weekend.

OWW don't be feeling fed up with yourself, the good memories you have of LM will seem so much more real and technicolour than all the crappy ones, they push themselves to the forefront of the mind and they're so seductive. I'm in no position to preach about the dangers of going back so I won't, but I understand completely.

I hope your day's been better Wine - it'll be the fact that your job is capable of getting to you in quite that way that makes you good at it.

Bant - really, really happy for you now don't let her muck you about.

48 you lucky, lucky, lucky woman, have a fabulous time ( and it's great to hear your mum's doing so well ) .

Chatting to a few possibilities, some vaguely interesting, would still like to deflower Talent Show but I suspect I'm never going to get to Nadger Base Camp there.

Keeping very quiet about daily correspondence with Spud, it's wrong - I know it, you know it

Winefiend Fri 19-Jul-13 21:13:42

Nora Aaah cheers. Not bad today, it is all done and dusted now (for now) and I am much more chilled out besides having to literally have a word with myself as I was very close to kicking a dictaphone out of a journalists' hand earlier eeee gads I don't know what came over me

Oww I don't really blame or judge you for texting him. We all have that one person who is like our achilees heel, sometimes after Bad Shit has gone down and NC has happened, a bit of contact helps up realise what a knobber they actually are. Certainly seems to be happrning in my case anyway.

Hello everyone else!

I am in itchy hell. Every time I have tonsillitis over the past few years I have ended up with pityriasis rosea. My arms and legs look fucking awful. Usually takes 2 months to clear but I'm hoping the sun will burn the little fuckers off (sunbed usually helps). Uggggh.

Winefiend Fri 19-Jul-13 21:15:03

Oh and 48 I am too jealous. According to my mother it is absolutely boilio up there as well at the moment.

OhWesternWind Fri 19-Jul-13 21:47:48

Oh Wine that doesn't sound good at all. Fingers crossed for the healing power of the sun. Texting with LM started well, couple of references to stuff we'd done, private jokes but then there's more angsty drama stuff aaaarghh!!! No. Actually I think it's a lot to do with the sex and currently not getting any yes, Alpha, I'm looking at you so have just texted Alpha to say it would be good to spend some private time together before too long. He's away on holiday soon though for a week so it's going to be sodding August!!!

Nora thank you for being so kind, love. Maybe you ahould stop off at Talent's on the way home and give him a good seeing to ...

mercury7 Fri 19-Jul-13 21:48:11

are you sure thats the right word?
I know first times can be awkward but that kinda has an air of damning with faint praise confused

OhWesternWind Fri 19-Jul-13 21:55:40

Sorry missed your post Lorna - what do you want to happen next? How did you leave it?

T sounds a little odd but I bet he was just preoccupied with holiday stuff and had his mind a bit too much on that. Hope it will all be fine when he's back.

Winefiend Fri 19-Jul-13 21:56:16

OWW Sadly, it is also the sex element which I suspect is drawing me in from time to time. I have yet to come across (so to speak) someone I've clicked with quite as effortlessly in that department as ex knobhead. Lets hope Alpha takes the bait. We do the in-jokes stuff.and similar too. Nrggh it is infuriating moreso as this facking rash will see me in a period of enforced celibacy for thr foreseeable

OhWesternWind Fri 19-Jul-13 22:50:39

Just had a reply from Alpha - he is sure we will get some private time soon! Oo-er, maybe we will see some action before too long.

He's not replied to anything else in my message which was quite a long, chatty one, just the bit about private time, so i think hes got the message! Maybe he was waiting for me to give the green light and was just being slow/polite/clueless ...

KinNora Fri 19-Jul-13 22:55:50

Hoo-bloody-rah , lightbulb switches on over Alpha's head - women have needs Alpha, get your keks off.

I would stop off and ravish Talent OWW but I fear he is a gentle soul and would not respond well to a rampaging sex maniac.

OhWesternWind Fri 19-Jul-13 23:00:27

You could do it very gently and politely Nora but that wouldn't be much fun

KinNora Fri 19-Jul-13 23:07:01

It'd be like corrupting a dormouse.

KinNora Fri 19-Jul-13 23:09:00

Although he has just told me that he's a big believer in cunnilingus so you never know actually I do, I publicly guarantee that we will never make the beast with two backs

TheTitleSaysItAllReally Sat 20-Jul-13 00:52:21

Ahem... pof profile got forgotten tonight. I ended up going to Mr RL's house for takeaway. It was great, lots of laughter and mutual flirting but then just a chaste kiss on the cheek and goodnight. He did rest his hand on my back as I kissed him but I dont know.

The signals are a bit mixed but then its very close to home for both of us so maybe he's a bit wary in the same way I am. Who knows! confused

T2710 Sat 20-Jul-13 01:01:07

Great news on alpha OWW. Exciting times ahead.

Still waiting on my text which was apparently coming 'later'. Grr. Possibly another one biting the dust here, and I have absolutely no idea what I've done wrong this time. It was going great.hmm

KinNora Sat 20-Jul-13 08:38:58

T I doubt you have done anything wrong, sometimes, for some unfathomable reason, they just decide to do a disappearing act - there's no rhyme or reason to it.

ALittleStranger Sat 20-Jul-13 08:55:12

T you've done nothing wrong, but I think the fact he ignored the question probably gives you your answer. And once the answer is out there and you're officially on a different page it can be difficult to sustain things. For that reason I wouldn't ask such things after a month normally because I'm the one trying not to formalise things, or it's just obvious that you are exclusive, but if that sort of thing matters to you there is a dollop of nothing ventured nothing gained. If you want something he won't give better to know and get out sooner.

Winefiend Sat 20-Jul-13 08:55:58

Morning all!

Nice work OWW, that sounds promising!

Nora hmmmm a big believer in cunnilingus you say? Perhaps the dormouse just needs a wee bit more prodding.

Last night I slept for ten hours, clearly I needed it. Just looked at me rash and it has faded rather significantly grin Clearly the past few weeks of work stuff has affected me more than I thought. Hurrah though! Today I will be mostly sunbathing to burn the rest of it off ajd building a wardrobe in preparation for the arrival of my lodger tomorrow grin

Have a good un folks.

ALittleStranger Sat 20-Jul-13 08:56:44

Broken if you're lurking, how are you doing?

lubeybooby Sat 20-Jul-13 08:56:55

Morning all <stumbles in with hangover but big grin> grin

We finally had THE conversation, directly and grownup-ly about the sex issue (the one we were meant to have in person last week but kept getting distracted by actual sex instead of talking about it)

It is the medication as I thought it may be and not a 'too much porn' thing.

That's great, I can work with/on that. Been there myself once with meds making it difficult and learned a few tricks. I told him that and asked if that scared him, or if I had permission to try a thing or two and that was met with a large grin, enthusiasm and trust so hooray for that grin

There were some very lovely tummy butterfly type moment of the conversation too when I was telling him how I feel about sex with him and just being around him in general and how it's all a bit unexpected but lovely, and I'm enjoying properly getting to know him because even though I knew him I actually knew not very much at all about him and yadda yadda and the reply to everything was 'me too!' and lots of lovely compliments and stuff. We seem to have a mutual appreciation going on in a big way. grin . I did think we did, but it's nice to have direct confirmation...

So we are only on err... date 5 or 6 technically but I've known him six years (as I said, slowest burner ever) and two of those dates were entire weekends grin but now I don't think things are happening, but know they are... what with the confirmation from him and waking up with a daft grin on my face

We are still going to take it a bit slowly though while we find out exactly what it is that's happening.

Winefiend Sat 20-Jul-13 09:00:14

Oh lubey that is bladdy marvellous grin. Isn't it funny how things sometimes seem to all fall together at once?

TheTitleSaysItAllReally Sat 20-Jul-13 09:09:09

Oh, that's lovely lubey! It's put a big grin on my face for you!

I thought Mr RL was a slow burner but it's only been about 3 months of mutual flirting...! I can't believe I didn't say or do anything last night now. I'm so cross with myself. Ah well, we have a day trip planned at a theme park with our children in a few weeks and then a night out he's coming on. Plus he's invited me to a works do in a few weeks. So if in all of that I can't get a snog at the very least then I think I shall give up!

lubeybooby Sat 20-Jul-13 09:15:43

Winefiend it is grin

and thanks, I still have my daft grin too. I like it grin

Kirstywirsty Sat 20-Jul-13 09:18:00

T could it be that he took your text as 'while you're away I'm going to see other people ' and Hess bit miffed??

porridgecarver Sat 20-Jul-13 09:40:57

Lubey grin sounds fab!!

Seasoned OD-ers, what is the deal with dating more than one person at a time, is it the norm until you both decide otherwise, or is it not?!

ponygirlcurtis Sat 20-Jul-13 10:02:20

Title that's a good way to forget all about Mr Arse, have a nice time with someone else! grin

And no phone-call last night. sad Yesterday I said 'let's talk on the phone tonight, he agreed, I gave him my mobile number, and he texted a couple of times in the day, then in the evening (although seemingly his kids weren't in bed till nearly 11pm!). No mention of the call. I am not saying it again, I have already suggested the call, I gave him my number - I am not being difficult to say 'it's up to him now' am I?

And I am still trying to secure a time for the alleged date tomorrow. He's given me no indication of times, but I have managed to secure a child-free afternoon. Then he asked if he could come through early evening. hmm Previously I would have said yes and tried to move heaven and earth to make it. But I said no, here are the times I am free.

Sigh. This isn't going to work is it? I am enjoying him texting me saying I'm his 'new favourite girl' but it's all words and no action.

OhWesternWind Sat 20-Jul-13 10:10:57

Lubey how very fab!!!

Title it all sounds good, stuff planned, he's invited you on a do, very good signs.

What's the news from our Foreign Correspondents?

Alpha is getting nicely flirty today and it's not even ten o'clock yet. Think he might have been waiting for a clear signal from me, and what I thought was obvious probably wasn't. I am a bit reticent with this type of stuff, find it very difficult to make a move if I'm not sure it's wanted. Had years of sexual rejection and withholding of sex and affection off Titto so I'm sure that's where it comes from. But I'm getting quite hopeful now about a bit of action before too long. Even getting tempted by an offer from the Weekend Builder but that would be a bad plan too.

T2710 Sat 20-Jul-13 10:16:34

Fabulous lubey!! grin

Porridge, this is my very issue. I think it's fair to date around initially but there comes a time it just seems a bit wrong in my mind, even if you're not 'exclusive'.

Pony, he does sound a bit all talk no action I'm afraid. Hope I'm wrong and he steps up.

Well, he replied, apologised for not getting in touch and re dating other said that he has replied to messages on pof (as have I recently) but no other dates. Said I kind of regretted mentioning but he said he thought it was good to be clear, then said 'why don't we just leave it open, of you want to, why not?' Which by its very definition is not clear. Hmm. Do now I need to reply. Going to remain aloof I think. I don't really have any intention of dating others but at the same time if there's guna be holiday sex for him maybe I should throw in a date to balance it out. Like has been sad, it's very early days and I'm not looking to be 'boyfriend/girlfriend' yet. Just likening getting to know him.

So, any suggestions for a reply which says yes I do like you but also remains aloof?

lubeybooby Sat 20-Jul-13 10:22:07

grin thanks all

ponygirl - it really shouldn't be that hard work and is unlikely to be worth your effort and angst even if he does eventually manage to sort a time out.

I'd rather spend my time and energy on someone capable. I refer you back to the rules, especially four and six

1. Develop a thick skin;
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon;
3. It's all BS until it actually happens;
4. Trust your gut instinct;
5. People vanishing, lying and being generally weird to you are not your fault
6. They should be trying to impress you
7. If it's not fun, stop

Snapespeare Sat 20-Jul-13 10:24:58

lubey! hooray!! smile

lubeybooby Sat 20-Jul-13 10:26:12

snape grin

ALittleStranger Sat 20-Jul-13 10:58:40

Porridge pre DTD it is definitely the norm to be multi-dating. After you've slept together it seems a bit murky to be dating other people she says hypocritcally. Some people will claim that until the exclusive talk has been had you can't assume anything, and there's a big dollop of truth in that, but I'm actually not persuaded that it is normal to be multi-shagging. Let's be honest, if someone is doing that they're not that keen.

ponygirlcurtis Sat 20-Jul-13 12:10:52

T - maybe you could say something like 'How about we do this on that date?' then it's just a suggestion, nothing too formal?

I know. I know. I am holding fire on all decisions about him until we have had a date if it ever comes about. But I am not feeling hopeful. It is fun, but it's also frustrating, and that's not fun.

OhWesternWind Sat 20-Jul-13 12:22:00

Pony this is really sounding like hard work. It is more complicated when you both have children but not this complicated!

Porridge I think you should do what feels right for you. I've overlapped a couple of time (pre-arranged first date with B crossing with second date with A, kind of thing) but I don't like it and prefer to actually see one at once although when I'm looking I always have a few at the messaging stage.

T leaving it open implies seeing other people - are you okay with that?

ponygirlcurtis Sat 20-Jul-13 12:33:17

This whole dating this is v new to me. I met my STBXH through eHarmony, but he was the only person I was messaging and the only one I had a date with so I have no concept of the overlapping/etiquette or how easy/difficult it should be!

T2710 Sat 20-Jul-13 12:35:53

Porridge, we are apparently seeing each other next mon (day after he gets home) which was arranged thurs (I.e. before weird Friday) and we've also booked this groupon class to do at some point.

I'm fine with 'leaving it open' short term and seeing how things are with us when he gets back, but ultimately I don't want us to be dating others-what's the point? I just have no idea why things are suddenly weird. Could it just be because he's off on a 'lads holiday' do you think?

Bant Sat 20-Jul-13 12:58:50

Ok, no need to go and buy hats. I put FrenchGirl in a taxi to the airport 10 minutes ago. We've had several days of tourism and sex. Both were good. She's said she's glad she found out the chemistry was there after all, but its not enough. She's never met anyone who makes her feel as safe and secure as I do, she knows I'd be a great husband and father, but she needs the butterflies, and she's not feeling them with me.

So, I've told her that its over, we're not going to be friends, as I've felt this way for years, as she knows, and I'm not going to stop feeling it. I want someone who feels the same way I feel, not someone who may at some point decide to be with me because I'm the best option available at the time. We talked about being FWB but I can't do that with her.

I said to call me only when she's had sleepless nights missing me and wants to move to Budapest or London to be with me. She cried when I put her in the taxi. I am now sitting at a terrace cafe drinking coffee and feeling a little bit like the world has stopped.

Still, second date with Aruba tomorrow night. Onwards and upwards, eh.

Winefiend Sat 20-Jul-13 13:04:30

Ah Bant that is painful stuff indeed. Still, at least you now have some sort of a full stop on things, rather than it dragging out forever more. Onwards and upwards indeed. You've definitely done the right thing.

OhWesternWind Sat 20-Jul-13 13:04:56

Oh Bant love, so sorry. You are doing the sensible thing but that can't have been at all easy, really admire you for having the strength to do that. Sending you a hug or a manly slap on the shoulder, whichever you'd prefer.

ALittleStranger Sat 20-Jul-13 13:05:35

Oh Bant I'm sorry. I think you were brave in be honest and open with her and are being eminently sensible about all this and the boundaries you've now put down. If she was my friend I'd give her a good talking to and ask her if she's holding out for something unrealistic. Has she ever felt the butterflies the way she thinks they feel?

Scattylatte Sat 20-Jul-13 13:06:04

Hi all
Its been a while since i posted but i read every day. I cant reference names v well as on mobile.
re weird behaviour. If you sense it, its there. The only thing to do is hold tight. Its hard though.
re reconstruction and bodies. Ive had a recon and im covered in scars. Ive never had any complaints and ive defo never met the perfect male body and it doesnt matter to me. Im healthy, fit and ive got a saggy arse!

well, im over my depression and enjoying new job. Still taking the AD's but think i come off them next month.
Still seeing fireman. We see each other about 3 times a week and talk every day. I feel we are very close. We dont talk about the future as in our relationship but we know we want to be together. This relationship has taken months to grow. He was on pof looking for an intimate encounter and various other websites seeking the same. He said he thought he wanted non commited fun, shag etc. So when we met i knew this plus he was bravado and a fireman so i assumed player and set my mind to have the non commital fun he said he wanted. When we started dating he didnt initiate sex for a long time despite my best efforts and his bravado muddying my senses. Turns out he was really nervous and worried that id be disappointed. So much so he had performance issues (resolved now).
I hadnt realised his bravado and chest puffing was just that. So this relationship has grown slowly and i have learned to sit back and let it happen and not worry. What will be will be.

My twat of an ex text me for sex last week. He also requested i bring a pair of my knickers....for him to wear. Thing is i have the hips of a german shot putter and he is a delicate thing with slim hips! I didnt answer.

TheTitleSaysItAllReally Sat 20-Jul-13 13:07:32

Oh bant I'm sad for you. But, its true - at least you are now able to draw a line under it and cease to think of it as a possibility.

T2710 Sat 20-Jul-13 13:15:38

Bant that's awful. It sounds as though youve done the right thing though and at least at some point you can get her out of your head if you know it's not going to happen. Do you think she was playing games or was she genuine with it?

Scattylatte Sat 20-Jul-13 13:17:39

Sorry Bant. Slap on the back from me too. I never quite understand the `i want more` thing people say.

porridgecarver Sat 20-Jul-13 13:26:02

bant sad

mercury7 Sat 20-Jul-13 13:32:28

'I never quite understand the `i want more` thing people say.'

hmm, could be a kind of 'I want more control, I want to keep you on the back foot always feeling insecure, always feeling you'll never be quite enough for me'

(yes, I am ever the cynic)

porridgecarver Sat 20-Jul-13 13:33:24

Ok 4th date last night, dinner and Dinner, was good but weird as first time/person since 13 years with STBXH!! I didn't have the exclusivity talk and know he has been on POF as I was on there this morning and he popped up as being online.

He has texted this morning and always seems expected that we will see each other again but due to work/kids etc we don't seem to make a plan for next date until few days after the last. Stupidly went online and have now been chatting to a guy who also seems lovely. I assume a date now would be a bit dodgy for my conscience but equally he doesn't seem like he feels/wants something committed just yet otherwise wouldn't he have said something to me about seeing other people?! Not sure what to do now!

ALittleStranger Sat 20-Jul-13 14:01:15

I think it can be that Mercury but I also think wanting more is a legitimate state in a relationship. I spent most of my 20s in a relationship where we made each other 85% happy but both knew we wanted "more", what ever that is. I think if you're with someone and actively thinking "I think there's more out there" it isn't going to work -even if ultimately that's your problem not theirs--. The problem is I also think some people have unrealistic expectations of what "more" may look like.

Porridge what made you want to go online the morning after Dinner? I wouldn't expect an exclusivity talk after the first time, but maybe that's just me. Personally I'm not sure I'd want to limit myself by agreeing to that after the first time anyway. You're four dates in, you're still sniffing around each other, that doesn't mean you have to be sniffing other people either, but it does mean you cannot say what is going to happen or what you want. But I am curious as to what you were hoping to get out of POF this morning?

scrazy Sat 20-Jul-13 14:06:11

I was accused of 'wanting more' not an expression I ever use. I wanted what we had but to be made to feel secure and appreciated. Obviously it was too much to ask.

T2710 Sat 20-Jul-13 14:08:17

Porridge, I think a good way to look at it is how would you feel if the tables were turned?

(I should practice what I preach!!)

Sorry Bant sad

porridgecarver Sat 20-Jul-13 14:16:37

I know T I would feel weird tbh.

ALittleStranger I'm not at all sure why I went on, had an email to say I had some messages and kind of thought well I know he is still on there so I will have a look. Makes me sound a bit hmm I know but I tend to get emotionally involved too quickly and figured it may help me to keep a decent perspective?! I have spent last 10 years in an EA marriage so have a fair few insecurities and felt like I was un-dateable, am I making sense?!

KinNora Sat 20-Jul-13 14:25:22

I take my hat off to you Bant for being so brave, I don't think I would be capable of that kind of courage. She's a daft bint and I hope she comes to her senses very soon.
Whatever the man equivalent of a big hug is.

ALittleStranger Sat 20-Jul-13 14:30:09

Yes that makes sense Porridge, although I'd be wary of trying to prove your dateability to yourself, especially via POF. I think OD can do good things for someone's self-esteem but it has to be handled carefully.

And there's definitely something to be said about putting up some emotional barriers. I was just curious. There's been a lot of debate about logging on too soon post date/Dinner and whether it's rude or not. I always worry it looks a little too much like starting over someone's shoulder at a party!

Snapespeare Sat 20-Jul-13 14:31:15

Sorry bant this really sucks. Sending a bit of a hug.

Bant Sat 20-Jul-13 14:35:03

It's not bravery kin, I'm sat here trying not to bawl into my coffee. Some backpackers just stood next to me looking confused at a map so I have them directions. They were bloody French. Grr.

So second date with Aruba tomorrow. She's the first Hungarian I've actually wanted to go on a second date with (that I've met from OD) and I think I may not be the suave chatty amusing guy I was last time. Bollocks.

Bant Sat 20-Jul-13 14:37:58

Thanks to everyone by the way. I'll be okay again at some point, it's just very odd when a long term dream comes to an end.

Normal service will be resumed shortly

TheTitleSaysItAllReally Sat 20-Jul-13 14:39:48

Hide somewhere and bawl bant. It's amazingly cathartic.

lurkinglorna Sat 20-Jul-13 14:49:43

hugs bant

and respect to you for saying your piece about not staying in touch, also.

Kirstywirsty Sat 20-Jul-13 15:06:10

Sorry to hear that bant onwards and upwards and its better to know

porridgecarver Sat 20-Jul-13 15:16:11

ALittleStranger I felt/feel I needed to jump in and start to see myself as someone other than a haggered Mum and an EA and then walked out on for another woman wife. A hell of a lot of filtering needs to be done on POF but as all my available cash is lining a solicitors pocket at the moment free sites are the only real option at the mo. Are there any other free ones with less sharks on it?! It does remind me of all the strange blokes who stood around the dancefloor at nightclubs letching away!!

BillMasen Sat 20-Jul-13 15:46:31

bant have a manly hug mate. That's horrible to have to do but absolutely the right thing to have said. That took balls.

On a related note, my "one i should get rid of as it'll never happen but cant seem to do it", moon girl has not cancelled yet so either she's leaving it late this time or we'll actually meet up again (first time since October!).

KinNora Sat 20-Jul-13 16:04:31

Ok Bant bugger the manly stuff, have a great big hug. I'm really sorry, it's a giant bag of shite x

KinNora Sat 20-Jul-13 16:05:48

Oh and Bill Moon Girl is a fool who in no way deserves you, the halfwit.

Bant Sat 20-Jul-13 17:37:48

Well I've had three beers and to be honest my reptilian brain is coming to the fore. I now want to get more drunk, fight someone, fuck someone, or possibly engage in philosophical debate about string theory and whether peppa pigs family is a suitable role model for children. I'm probably just going to do the first option though. And have pizza.

My existential angst (see? I get all wankily verbose when a bit pissed) is somewhat reduced by the fact I just got a tram over the river and I'm reminded I live in one of the most breathtakingly beautiful cities in the world, I'm healthy, have children who love me, and can probably pull some stunning Hungarian girl if I turn on the charm.

Still. Pizza and beer and Xbox tonight I think.

Bill - cheers mate. Not that I want to embarrass you but yours was the message that brought me closest to tears. I hope things work with MG but be careful. The flame is so attractive but moths still get burned.

Wow, that reads a lot more pretentious than I intended

Moanranger Sat 20-Jul-13 18:30:09

Bant (((hugs))). tough, but good to be clear & define what you want. That means the next opportunity will be so much better.
On. Hungarian food note, Meet Up guy & I went to Hungarian woman's house-warming - food strange. Set up large bonfire in small suburban garden & roasted very salty bacon on sticks, followed by carp soup, cooked in cauldron over fire. A nice cherry cake. Normal?

OhWesternWind Sat 20-Jul-13 18:35:22

Whaddya mean, Bant, "when a bit pissed"?? wink

You've had a hell of a couple of days of it, the divorce being finalised and now this. A lot to cope with all at once, but things tend to go like that sometimes. I think you've done absolutely the right thing, no vacillating, and that takes some guts and strength. Just be gentle to yourself, give it all time to settle, and do what it takes to feel better, but no scrapping, okay?

KinNora Sat 20-Jul-13 19:44:32

Well I'm away to sit in a car park watching Macbeth < classy face > - have a good night everyone.

OhWesternWind Sat 20-Jul-13 19:59:55

I did that one for O level Nora and can still reel off whole speeches on request (which, oddly, doesn't happen very often). Have a lovely evening.

I am sitting in my garden drinking Pimms and hoping the dc stop the campaign of room invasions against each other, it's getting too late for that nonsense.

TheTitleSaysItAllReally Sat 20-Jul-13 20:02:51

I'm sitting in my snug eating the tapas that I bought for Mr Actually-Not-Very-Lovely and me to share...

Mr RL is out tonight sad

I am going on holiday tomorrow smile

Secretservice Sat 20-Jul-13 20:11:53

Sorry not had time to catch up, but just on my way to meet promising-looking first date with would-be barrister. Wish me luck grin

T2710 Sat 20-Jul-13 20:20:41

Enjoy the tapas title, and have a great date secret!
I'm jealous of the good weather you're having. Summer has departed newcastle!

So, (I need a nickname but can't think of one) hasn't text me back all day. He's been on pof and fb and hasn't replied. This is very very odd. He texts me a lot usually. I'm resisting a temptation to send any other messages. May send a quick one in the morn to say have a nice him but then again I may not-I'm annoyed!!

OhWesternWind Sat 20-Jul-13 20:59:27

Don't send anything else, T, not of a chatty here-I-am type anyway. I think I'd just leave him and see what he has to say. Did you reply to the "Let's keep it open" message?

At the moment I'm not intending to have the dating other people conversation with Alpha. He's very new to OD and I don't think it's occurred to him that some people have lots of dates on the go at the same time. Not going to put that idea into his head, either!

Hormonalhell Sat 20-Jul-13 21:25:33

Tasha same thing happened to me, wonderful night, all over me like a rash. Kissing me constantly. Spent the night, very loving and then went for breakfast . Then zilch....

He was out with mates n text me once after I text him first yet found the time to be on pof all dayhmm

Know just how u feel Hun

T2710 Sat 20-Jul-13 21:30:33

Yes, steer clear if that damn topic. Haha. To be honest Ive been seeing so much if this guy that he wouldn't have had time for dating anyone else. I'm not sure if he's trying to limit any holiday sex guilt by pushing me away.

Anyway, he said-... why don't we just leave it open... if you want to, why not. What do you think?
I replied-I think that this is a convo we dont really need to have just before your hol. Just have fun and ill see you when you get back :0) I am enjoying getting to know you and spending time with you though so why spoil things by trying to define them?
What are you up to today, Last minute hol preps?

He replied only to the last part. Last Sunday, after meeting his friends he told me one had said I was 'a keeper' and he's been giving off lots if relationship vibes, which is why this is so odd and sudden!

T2710 Sat 20-Jul-13 21:32:35

Hormonal was that for me? If so, we've had a few overnighters and maybe 12 dates over the last month. I dated a guy s couple of months ago that went cold but that was only after 4 dates and one 'session' hmm

porridgecarver Sat 20-Jul-13 21:32:47

Ok is this weirdness, nice chatting with new guy online and via text, mention of meet up and he offers to come to my house, I told him No, that he is prob barking up the wrong tree and he replied saying he thought I would maybe be more comfortable meeting him here?! Is that a naive guy or weird?!

Bant Sat 20-Jul-13 21:35:12

He's a player, wanting to quickly get you into a situation where you can have sex. Or so naive or weird you probably wouldn't want to meet him anyway

porridgecarver Sat 20-Jul-13 21:41:27

Thanks Bant I am going for the player option as he doesn't look naive, or sound it tbh! Will give it a miss

OhWesternWind Sat 20-Jul-13 21:45:48

I think he didn't reply to the first part T because you said it was a conversation you don't need to have just before his hols, so he's taking that at face value. Hope it'll all be good when he comes back. Is it a week or a fortnight?

Porridge like Bant says. He's just trying it on.

Sorry to hear about your disappearer HH - there are a few of them about.

T2710 Sat 20-Jul-13 21:51:41

Thanks for putting it into perspective OWW. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in what I mean that I don't think about how it reads. He's only away a week. Just going to leave it til Sunday next week when he comes home to see If we're still on for mon.

Porridge-def a nono. Bants right!

spangledboots Sat 20-Jul-13 21:55:35

bant I'm new here so don't know the back story but I'm sorry that you've been hurt and think how you've handled it took a lot of guts. Good luck on your next date! Hopefully you'll get some closure now.

lorna all that waiting for 'pleasant'?! NEXT! ;)

FakeTim has now deleted his POF account - I don't know when he did that but I knew he was due home today so had a quick check and it's gone. I'm really paranoid that he'll pop up again in some other guise so I'm being much more strict about who I speak to. I might need some MN dating thread expertise from time to time to help me with that! I've deleted all messages, emails, contact details etc. now I just need to stop letting him pop into my head!

I've been chatting a little bit to a couple of guys for the past week. Do I have to give them silly names to talk about them on here? :P

Secretservice Sat 20-Jul-13 22:05:22

Another one bites the dust!

OhWesternWind Sat 20-Jul-13 22:21:04

Yep Boots give 'em a daft name and come and tell us all about them. Easiest way to forget someone when it's early days is to find a replacement.

What's happened SS?

Feeling much more sanguine about LM, have taken the rose-tinted glasses off and remembered all the truly, truly shite things. But oh the wonderful filthy sex with that man. Hope I will be able to lead Alpha astray (or - even better - he won't need leading).

spangledboots Sat 20-Jul-13 22:35:45

Good advice OWW - what do you think your chances are with Alpha? I've missed the backstory on that one too!

Okay so, currently sort of on my radar are the following:

MrGrey: named by my friends, not me! He's bad. Very bad. But also kind of very good. We messed around about a year ago when I broke up with my ex but nothing really happened since around November. Then last weekend when I was feeling wounded about FakeTim, I texted him and invited him over. It was awkward and rubbish so nothing really happened and I got him to leave. I think I need to strike him off! He texted apologising about the awkwardness and I've not replied.

MrNiceGuy: we met online, had one night which was amazing and haven't seen each other since. He got in touch about a month ago but I was obsessed with that other guy so didn't pay too much attention. We've been talking again this week. He puts himself out there as a really nice guy but anything that happens between us is exclusively physical.

Postie: been chatting online for a week or so, seems like a decent bloke so wouldn't mind meeting for a date to see what happens there.

HillMan: (likes hillwalking...) been messaging back and forth for a week, lots of long messages and he seems like someone I could get on with pretty well. One downside: he still lives at home! We've taken to texting 3/4 times a day. Will need to see where this one goes! Again, wouldn't mind if we went on a date.

Sorry....that was a very long post! Tell me off about the first two someone, please?!

Secretservice Sat 20-Jul-13 22:45:48

Absolutely nothing OWW! We met had a drink a stilted conversation and now I'm on my way home - another date which took longer to get too than actually sit through! He seemed nice enough, but not for me, sadly.

So glad to here you've got back to grips with LM, and can now go back to concentrating on corrupting Alpha.

Bant it was brave, a lesser man would have hung on hoping to change her mind. Hope Aruba proves to be an effective distraction!

OhWesternWind Sat 20-Jul-13 22:49:37

Mr Grey: Awkward AND rubbish?? Definitely needs to go.
Nice Guy: Possibly keep him in case of emergency.
Postie: Yep, definitely meet up and see.
HillMan: How old is he? The living at home would be a no-no if he's past the age of 25 (and even then it's not great)

Alpha is pretty nice, Boots, been seeing him six weeks, lots of lovely dates but no sodding action! Think I might have made a breakthrough with him last night when we were messaging by being far less subtle than usual - looks like he was waiting for the green light from me and fingers crossed it will happen soon ...

OhWesternWind Sat 20-Jul-13 22:58:05

Oh it's a bit soul-destroying when you get a run of them like that, isn't it? You must be due for a decent one soon!

Scatty sorry for not replying sooner but so glad things are still going well with the fireman. You two are a real success story, lovely. And I'm taking heart about what you said about him not being very confident under all the bravado - think that might be happening with Alpha possibly so thank you for that. Glad everything else is going well for you too smile

Pony did you get him sorted?

OhWesternWind Sat 20-Jul-13 22:58:40

Sorry top bit of last post was to SS

spangledboots Sat 20-Jul-13 23:03:11

OWW jeez, none of the guys I speak to are ever that subtle! Or if they are, I get bored too quickly. Lots of nice dates is good though...maybe the next one needs to be a sexier date. You think he'll finally cook for you?!

HillMan moved home last year (he'd been travelling for six months) to save for a deposit for a flat. He's 28 and very embarrassed about it. Before he went travelling he'd been living in a flatshare. I'm finding that a lot of men seem to still live at home! I'm 23 and moved out five years ago :P

OhWesternWind Sat 20-Jul-13 23:11:43

I have said we need to have some private time together - he seems enthusiastic so we shall see ... Don't give a toot about the cooking, just want a night of passion and hot sex!

I suppose that's not too bad - at least it sounds like HillMan's got a bit of gumption and hasn't just lacked the impetus to ever leave. He can go on the approved list too grin

ponygirlcurtis Sat 20-Jul-13 23:21:33

Hey OWW, thanks for asking, no I haven't yet!!! I haven't backed off from chivvying him into action, and the result is... nowt. Lots of texts back and forth today about normal stuff (how's your day, what you up to, yadda). I asked him yesterday to please let me know today whether we were going out tomorrow. He hasn't as yet. sad 40mins to go...

spangledboots Sat 20-Jul-13 23:22:05

Haha maybe suggest having a drink at his then in case he gets in a flap about ingredients again ;)

Will keep Postie and HillMan to see what happens with both/either. Postie is brand new to online dating so not sure if he'll be up for meeting anytime soon. He's cute though. Dammit, I'm a vulture!

OhWesternWind Sat 20-Jul-13 23:28:53

If he's new, get him quick Boots before he gets corrupted!

Thirty-two minutes Pony - oh dear. This is just too much hard work. Imagine this every time you want to meet up. If he doesn't reply, I don't think I'd bother with him any more. Disappointing, though.

ponygirlcurtis Sat 20-Jul-13 23:32:32

He's just texted asking if I'm still free tomorrow, or have I planned to do stuff with my kids. Arrrrrgh! I told him I had completely freed up the day!

T2710 Sat 20-Jul-13 23:37:17

Wow in the nick of time. What you guna do?

Argh!!! I've only bloody text him. I am an arse.

Secretservice Sat 20-Jul-13 23:40:08

I hope so OWW! I am probably at my most disheartened with it all. It's just so tedious having the same small talk conversations over and over again!

Doesn't help that like of few other threadees, there's a ghost of an ex hovering that I can't seem to exorcise, through which I seem to be filtering everything sad.

End of a long day for me. Sure I'll feel better after a good night's sleep!

Will try and catch up with the ins and outs of everone's lives before I post again!

T2710 Sat 20-Jul-13 23:49:52

Secret-feeling your pain with the small talk. Hate going back to the drawing board every time (which is where I'm headed I think). I flipping hate dating. Where are all of the nice men???

ponygirlcurtis Sat 20-Jul-13 23:51:50

Well, he's saying he wants to spend time with me, more than an hour (which is all he'd have tomorrow), he already has future dates planned. But it's still all talk. I accept that his other son is there for the weekend unexpectedly. But he was being rubbish about planning for this weekend before that, and he's leaving it very late to confirm all this with me, it's not very thoughtful. Kinda want to meet him, meet up, have plans to speak about all this to his face. Although that might put my plans to get a snog out the window...

ponygirlcurtis Sat 20-Jul-13 23:52:38

Anyway, am going to bed whatever. Night all, hopes for a peaceful night for all.

BillMasen Sun 21-Jul-13 00:30:58

Well.. Moon girl didn't cancel so I went over and we had our picnic in the park. Very nice time it was too. The. When it got a bit colder we went to the pub and the conversation got a bit more heart to heart.

I think bant inspired me as I seem to have made it clear I'm not being messed around and she either sorts it out and we date, or we don't bother keeping in touch.

No kiss at the end of the night, no real response from her other than "I don't like ultimatums" and that would appear to be that.

Probably for the best. No, definitely for the best.

KinNora Sun 21-Jul-13 00:39:06

She may not like 'ultimatums' but she has to realise that it's completely unfair to blithely assume that she can just pick you up when ever the mood takes her and drop you at a moment's notice, you did the right thing, Bill.

Winefiend Sun 21-Jul-13 00:56:20

Ah Bill, what Nora said above. At least you gave it a good go though so now there's no 'what if's'. Nothing ventured and all that..

I fell asleep in bed watching Teachers whilst drinking wine 2 hours ago and have just woken up. Slept on my hand, which now throbs like a bastard. Right classy bird, me.

T2710 Sun 21-Jul-13 06:51:20

Morning all!
Bill sounds like you've fine the right thing, she wasnt playing fair and at least you've been clear.
Pony, is there anyone else on the horizon other than this guy? Maybe see if anyone else takes your fancy to take the pressure off (and for what it's worth, I've never had a guy go in for a snog on the 1st date).
So as I explained I text 'him' last night (late but I knew he was up as on fb and pof) saying only 'right. What is going on here?' He read it immediately and promptly ignored. What an utter dick. There we go then. I am done with him. Hope he has a really really shit holiday.

Snapespeare Sun 21-Jul-13 08:44:59

kin i macbethed as well with DS1 who played a macduffling 3 years ago. loved it! very scary!

bant hope youre feeling a bit better this too bill this is exactly the right thing to do, seize the day! grasp the nettle etc. things may not go all slow-motion-fairy-tale, but they're done & you can move on. i like to think of it as after a thunder-storm when the sun comes out...everything looks brighter & smells better!

oww i demand you have a bunch of filthy sex as soon as possible!

<thread wave>

Pickfords Sun 21-Jul-13 09:00:52

Hello everyone. I've been lurking for a while, trying to pick up some hints as planning to do OD for the first time.

I'm in my 50s and don't have anyone else to discuss this with, but wondering if any of you might be prepared to take a look at the blurb I've written about myself. Not sure if I've got it completely wrong or whether I've written a brilliant few lines that'll have that'll have men falling at my feet grin.

Oh and I'm really looking forward to joining you properly when I've got some dates and general goings on to report excited about possibility of loo updates

ponygirlcurtis Sun 21-Jul-13 09:11:55

T that's so disappointing. He's a shit. Be strong, stay done, it's not worth it.

Bill that's a shame, but sounds good that you are being honest about what you do and don't want. If that's not for her, then it would never work anyway. I need to remember that too!

There's no other real prospects - one nice bloke that I'm idly messaging, but he lives too far for it to be feasible. TBH the bloke I'm supposed to be meeting today isn't a prospect on paper - he's 6 years younger than me and doesn't drive. But if nothing comes of it, I'm philosophical - I'm practicing having boundaries and keeping them up, if nothing else.

My snog has gone anyway - he told me last night he has a cold sore... confused

ALittleStranger Sun 21-Jul-13 09:56:12

Bill definitely for the best, Nora has hit it on the head.

OhWesternWind Sun 21-Jul-13 10:04:39

Snape I shall do my very level best to comply with your demand grin Now if only it were Alpha saying that to me

Bill fantastic stuff. I know this might sound a bit soppy, but you and Bant are really helping me stay strong about LM. I think you've absolutely done the right thing.

Hello Pick and welcome to the thread! If you'd like to pm me your blurb I'm happy to take a look, not that mine was any cop to be honest.

T sorry to hear it's not going well. Are you sure he knows what's going on as your text might have come out of the blue a little bit? A lot of people have a default setting of doing nothing (ignoring) if a potentially difficult situation is developing. Do you think you're going to bother with him after his holidays?

So Pony this is getting very frustrating! Is he meeting up or not?

ponygirlcurtis Sun 21-Jul-13 10:25:45

OWW we do appear to be meeting this afternoon, but trying to pin down a place and time is like getting blood from a stone! I have ended up trying to suggest a few places again, after promising myself I'd back off and let him sort it.

Bant Sun 21-Jul-13 10:29:09

pony - this is ridiculous. It sounds like he's either terminally indecisive or playing some stupid game. He's meant to be showing he's an alpha male at this point, can make decisions and follow through, is attractive, intelligent, charming, decisive, funny, sexy. I think the basic ability to choose a place and time and stick with it indicates a lack of all of those things.

Just let him try to sort it out and if he can't, tell him you've got other plans to go to a pissup in a brewery.

Bant Sun 21-Jul-13 10:30:12

basic inability, I meant..

KinNora Sun 21-Jul-13 10:49:38

Morning everyone,

OWW ' I shall do my very best to comply with your demand now if only it was Alpha saying that to me ' that made me positively arf.

Snape yes, that was exactly it, it was scary and I didn't expect it to be at all. Although I have to say that I'm possibly getting on a bit to sit on the ground in a car park for several hours. I'm going to see the Othello relay (my favourite) in September in a comfy cinema seat

Hello Pickfords come on in, there are lots of people on here who are very good at checking profiles.

T he sounds like an arse

Pony I think even the slightly fruitless dates can be a useful exercise in working out precisely what you absolutely need, I've found it's almost like getting to know myself again after years of shuffling what I want into the background.

Hello Secret - hope you're ok, the haunting ex is a bastard to deal with.

Boots not a vulture, you're a guardian angel swooping in to save Postie from the rigours of OD.

Wine what's not classy about that ? Hope you're feeling better.

Hope everyone's ok this morning, especially Bill and Bant.

Brief update on the train wreck which passes for my love life, been asked out by a vair keen man from okc who apparently does something called 'Angelic Massage' - hmmmm, seems otherwise normal so I'm tempted to risk the potential fruitloopness. I know, he's barking, isn't he ?

Talent sent me a photo of his injured ankle to diagnose, I slipped, as I do, into my professional bossy alter ego and asked him relevant questions about his injury, apparently this turned him on, which was weird as I wasn't actually trying to effect any tumescence at the time.
Licks pencil, makes note ' get uniform sex dress out of storage' .

Chatting to various others, including a man on okc whose profile gave me shivers ( in a good way, it wasn't like he sounded like a psychopath or anything ).

ponygirlcurtis Sun 21-Jul-13 11:13:29

Bant I like your direct approach!

We appear to have a plan. However, it's not much of a plan. We are meeting up (at a time that could still change, and a place that is still to be confirmed nearer that aforementioned possibly changeable time) and then deciding where to go (in a town that neither of us really knows for places to go). hmm confused

So I will get ready and go to the town, and await my rendezvous hmm and hope I don't end up waiting for ages because the time has changed! Ye gods.

ponygirlcurtis Sun 21-Jul-13 11:15:52

Kin that's how I'm looking at the whole POF experience. I have been practicing feeling ok saying 'no thank you' to people, or even 'that isn't suitable for me'. And now if needs be, I can practice saying that face-to-face as well as online.

Winefiend Sun 21-Jul-13 11:15:54

Nora Angelic Massage? 4 realz? Jeeeeezo that is a new one on me!

The plooks appear to be drying out and unmerging so I am hoping this means it is less than the usual 8 weeks stretch. Sunbed tomorrow to burn the cunts off then hopefully normal service will be resumed soon.

Winefiend Sun 21-Jul-13 11:19:10

Oh and my lodger moves in later so I have to pretend I never smoke in the house. Nosireee, not me, not at all she says lounging in the sofa with fag in gob

Winefiend Sun 21-Jul-13 11:25:06

ponygirl I don't know how you have the patience! One young man man I was seeing a bit back was similar - left all the arranging to me and it did my tits in. I took it as a lack of keenness at first until he got the face on when he noticed on Facefriend that I'd been in the pub with an ex (and others) when he had suggested going out that weekend but hadn't bothered to text to make arrangements and I'd got sick of chasing him. Binned him shortly after.

ponygirlcurtis Sun 21-Jul-13 11:33:02

Oh, I am intrigued re Angelic Massage now too!

Winefield this is part of my ongoing self-improvement programme. I am a habitual people-pleaser and I tend to patient beyond the point of reasonableness, and end up getting walked all over. 'No that's fine, don't worry about it, yes of course I'll completely rearrange my plans to suit you...'
This is me not being as bad as usual! hmm Normally I'd be instantly forgiving of all the crapness and just want to please him and for him to like me. Now, I am going into it a little pissed off, so he'll need to redeem himself. Will let you all know how it goes, fingers crossed my backbone stays firmly in place.

And I have a big plook too. Typical. Toothpaste has been applied.

Winefiend Sun 21-Jul-13 11:37:55

ponygirl Ah yeah people pleasing is a habit of mine too. Which quite surprises me really as generally I don't tolerate pish from folk very often. I'm getting a lot less flexible these days. Not quite sure where my people pleasing comes from (childhood I think) as I genuinely don't give a fuck what folk (men in particular) think of me.

Toothpaste is a winner! Just avoid the old TCP. I had a big un and a date on the horizon and thought it'd be a tremendous idea to HOLD a tissue with TCP on it on said plook. Burnt me face rather badly. Common sense is not one of my strongest areas.

Winefiend Sun 21-Jul-13 11:39:57

What time is the date ponygirl?

KinNora Sun 21-Jul-13 11:59:55

I think Pony that's the only way to look at the whole business, otherwise it can get very disheartening.

Wine good luck with the lodger.

Angelic Massage looks like a load of New Age bollocks stuff to me, I can't help feeling that if I do meet him I'll manage about 10 minutes of restrained politeness before my allergy to Bad Science gets the better of me and I start going postal = unsuccessful date.

Winefiend Sun 21-Jul-13 12:11:11

Nora 10 minutes? Christ that is impressive, I think 10 secs would be my max. I once had a date with someone who, after asking what I did, (stupidly) asked me what my opinion of Social Services was. After 20 mins of ranting he then dropped in 'oh my mum is a Social Worker'. Eh oops. Actually that was the second time that happened.

Apologies to any SWs on here, I will add my standard disclaimer that my opinion is on SOME SWs/Local Authorities, there's some amazing ones too.

T2710 Sun 21-Jul-13 12:33:23

Exciting stuff Pony-hope it goes well (and actually goes ahead) grin

OWW he shoukd know what i meant as usually i vaht to him via text all day and yesterday prwtty much nothing. He always replies so to mot reply was odd. anyway,I'm not guna contact him. I'm not chasing, it just makes me look and feel pathetic. Like I said, not sure if he's trying to limit holiday guilt by pushing me away but if so it's stupid as I already said I didn't have a prob with it.
Did notice yest he changed his looking for on pof from wants to date but nothing serious to looking for relationship.

ponygirlcurtis Sun 21-Jul-13 13:34:35

Going postal sounds like good fun. Might try it today!

Date is allegedly at 3pm. But that's only if he can make it for then. Don't know where we are meeting, he said he'd let me know nearer the time and then we'd decide where to go. So I have visions of us meeting on a street corner or outside the Co-op or something! Plus, we are meeting in a nearby town (I found out today) that is where my mum has taken DS1 out for the afternoon. I haven't told my mum I am on a date due to not wanting to see her judgey 'I am sucking on a lemon' face. This just has disaster written all over it!!!

KinNora Sun 21-Jul-13 13:52:12

Blimey, good luck with that Pony ( that bloke is beginning to sound like he's more trouble than he's worth ).

Wine I have to do a lot of tolerant listening, characterised by my special 'interested and caring' face, to all kinds at work, hence my improved standards of stamina, by nature I'm a gobby impulsive shirty Manc.

I know what you mean about social workers ( no offence ), I have dealings with them in child protection cases , I roll my eyes a lot.

OhWesternWind Sun 21-Jul-13 13:56:10

Pony this is mad! Have never had a date like it. Surely it is "nearer the time" now - cant get that much nearer without being ready to set off. Hope the date is great and makes up for all this nonsense.

Nora some interesting men you've got on your hook! I'm intrigued by the one giving you goose pimples ...

ALittleStranger Sun 21-Jul-13 13:56:30

Good luck Pony. It sounds like this one could need it! I'd head straight to a pub - am assuming your mum won't have taken the DC in there!

ALittleStranger Sun 21-Jul-13 13:58:26

T and I think you're taking the right approach re resolving not to chase. It sounds like he wanted to keep his options open for a last holiday fling, but he's lifted up the bonnet so to speak and ballsed it up.

Winefiend Sun 21-Jul-13 14:02:07

Oh crikey ponygirl, maybe it will be one of those that is AMAZING. Um...think positive? At least you're giving it a bash.

Nora aye I have attempted the 'mmmhmmm is that right' face (whilst inside screaming 'what the actual fuck'). Luckily for me actual telling my lot 'what the actual fuck...' seems to be more effective than helpful face these days. My Glaswegian gobmaster is kept in check at most times I'll cast aside my overwhelming urge to boot a journalist in the fanny on Fri as I stopped meself. Just

Social Workers mmhmmm. They've slipped down the list now and journos have edged ahead for this month.

KinNora Sun 21-Jul-13 14:17:13

Wine one of the very many reasons I love Glasgow is that Glaswegians' no-nonsense, take no bollocks attitude always reminds me very much of home. Not had many dealings with journos but I can imagine they're somewhat tiresome.

OWW re Shivers Man, I read his profile and it was like I knew him, weird also he has a Welsh name and I'm hopeful he can be the token Welshy I need to complete my Home Nations shag set

Bant Sun 21-Jul-13 14:47:06

PonyGirl - thinking about it, this is a little worrying. There is a certain dating safety etiquette - telling a friend where you're going, making a call to let them know the bloke is okay, feeling free to escape through the loo window if you need to (not just because the bloke is boring though, that's not nice)

however, going to a first date with a guy you've never met - is this a first date? - and not knowing where you'll be so you can tell someone.. that's a bit on the unsafe side.

If you've met him before and trust him, then he's just a bit indecisive and that's annoying. If you haven't met him, he could be playing some weird trick to get you into a vulnerable situation where no one knows where you are..

just be careful, okay?

Bant Sun 21-Jul-13 14:51:46

On other dating news, PinkHat has 'favourited me' again - this is the 4th time since we had a first date and I didn't call her again (she was bossy and had shaved 8 years off her age)

Sushi tonight with Aruba, I'm feeling better generally, still sad though. I've got three and a half hours to freshen up, look stunning and put my game face on.

KinNora Sun 21-Jul-13 15:04:25

Go sparkle Bant

lurkinglorna Sun 21-Jul-13 15:09:01

second what bant says pony

- not sure if you're out now but drop a thread update when you get back in! guy seems well dodgy to me - some guys come across as a BIT hmm meeting up as in they have to rearrange or turn up a bit late but give you ok notice.

asking you to wait till the last minute so that he can let you know comes across as REALLY controlling and weird.

when i was about 20 a copper who i'd known as in he was involved with some family issues when i was a child (yeah, obviously a very classy guy) and i were in touch in a semi-romantic way

he would deliberately do the same thing as a "power thing" - "i'm so busy that i'll keep you waiting till i let you know my schedule", like setting it up so i had to contact him loads to meet up for something we'd agreed to do?. and as soon as i started ignoring him he'd get back in touch for attention. ffs!

and then of course a few years later the penny dropped, he was just a fucking weirdo who is well below my league and had issues with women

lurkinglorna Sun 21-Jul-13 15:13:25

bonne chance bant

t2710 yeah guy sounds suspect, i'd keep him on my dating rota and investigate other options for myself.

T2710 Sun 21-Jul-13 15:21:58

Thanks guys! I'm not even sure if he wants to be on my rota lorna but all shall become clear when he's back I guess when he gets on touch or otherwise! Why is it so difficult to not over analyse these things.

Bant-hope you have a really awesome date!

lurkinglorna Sun 21-Jul-13 15:25:31

Mercury, OWW

yeah thanks for asking smile the european is fairly on at the moment, we went out last night and got intimate again!

good night, he's texted to ask me if i have time next week and "give" me his diary schedule so i can have first dibs on when he's not away with work.

I think i'm struggling with the "how will this fit into overall life plans", as in fairly soon (date unknown) i've got "work change and stress of moving to another city where not only will i be meeting new chaps but the ex lover who is AMAZING in bed and is a bit ropey but amazing chemistry is there". and of course so far its just a 2 week romance with european!

so its just wait and see really confused sex was more than pleasant last night. had bit of crisis moment i get the giggles when i'm drunk sometimes, and i just started after we'd "done it"

oh well, think he didn't take it personally...

lurkinglorna Sun 21-Jul-13 15:28:48

yeah t2710, sounds a bit emotionally mercenary, but I reckon its quite helpful sometimes to not cut all contact with guys who are "interesting but not quite there"? you don't need to contact him, but don't send him a message saying you're not going to contact him?

i mean you might want to send him an "i'm bored and you'll do for a date this week" text next month smile

Bant Sun 21-Jul-13 15:58:16

Right, another of my rare but fun rants. I've mentioned this before but this is a case in point.

I did an expanded search to increase the age range a bit - up from 41 max to 45 max, and from 29 min to 26 min. Why not.

And I found Marina. Marina is Russian or Hungarian, 44 years old and very attractive. She comes across as a bit of a gold-digger from her profile so I'll not bother contacting her. But in her preferences she wants:
A man - 42-52, separated or divorced, no children, athletic and toned, carefree, not very romantic but marriage is very important, American (only..), white, attractive, very short black hair, business or cool style, best feature:hands, has an associates degree, speaks english, is jewish or atheist but non-practicing, likes blues and dance music, adventure and action films and dogs. And has blue eyes.

Now to me, that sounds like a very specific person she's looking for. I actually qualify for 21 out of the 27 requirements. My hair is brown, I'm not American, I have kids and I'm too young. I think my eyes are better than my hands, but it's subjective.

But even if I was perfect for her, I wouldn't get in touch because she's obviously either got a particular man (possibly called Todd) in mind, or she's going to be a perfectionist generally.

If something is hugely important to you - that a man be above 5'6, or have no kids, then put it in the profile. Otherwise, just don't check the box. Life is meant to be about exploring new things, not looking for some perceived 'perfect guy'

Right. End of Rant.

lurkinglorna Sun 21-Jul-13 16:10:29

grin bant

to be fair, if that's "" i think often people get a bit overexcited when they fill in that box (if they're just starting they think the OD fairies will send them someone like that) but are prepared to ignore if someone attractive comes along.

my last ex, pretty keen on me, had "white" and "never been married" in his list of requirements.

i'm not white, i'm divorced so when i viewed his profile, i didn't make any contact, plus i lived hundreds of miles away. he contacted me after seeing i'd viewed him and flew out for 3 days (so booked hotel for 2 nights) to see me for 1st meet! i'm not stunningly model looking or owt, but i do think if someone sees your profile and thinks "intriguing" all the "listed" requirements go out the window.

i mean how many men if you said "would you consider a single mum with 3 kids from different fathers working in a transient profession with very low average pay" would turn down Angelina Jolie?

lurkinglorna Sun 21-Jul-13 16:19:56

ps do agree as a "strategy" though not listing loads of dealbreakers or preferences, just filter out the messages you get. i have a line saying "no type really" of course i do ha ha but i want chaps to be confident about contacting me.

Bant Sun 21-Jul-13 16:31:09

I'd turn down Angelina Jolie. She had that thing about keeping a vial of Billy Bob Thornton's blood around her neck at all times. Weirdo.

Okay, I wouldn't. She's stunning. But I'd be nervous around sharp knives.

The point was - I understand why people tick those boxes, but the act of doing it may put people off contacting you because you're showing yourself to be picky or hung up on an ex by doing it. Just leave them blank and filter the mails, as you said.

lurkinglorna Sun 21-Jul-13 16:38:53

just out if interest, was the woman STUNNINGLY pretty in her photos, Bant? smile

although i "do fine" and maximise my options, i do sometimes wonder if the OD experience is different for those who are really rich/amazing looking or at least amazingly photogenic ha ha? like if you're a 27 year old tall male doctor/lawyer who works out, you can pick and choose from whoever contacts you.

i've seen stuff on dating blogs claiming that 5% of the women get 50% of the mails sent, or something similar.

lurkinglorna Sun 21-Jul-13 16:39:35 they can have what look like ludicrous requirements, but they'll get them met...

Bant Sun 21-Jul-13 16:50:44

She looked like a mid 40s Russian woman who'd been stunningly attractive when younger.

I've read stuff which agrees - superbly attractive/photogenic people get a huge number of mails, but they have to wade through even more dross than everyone else. It doesn't mean they're more successful at finding the right person, it just means they get more offers of dates from weirdos. And I think they're probably more prone to dating fatigue where you can't remember who it is exactly you're going out with this time, (is this the one who doesn't tip or the one who made a slightly racist joke in an email but you thought you'd let it pass)

So having those requirements may put off the 'right' person, even though they'll get a bunch of people ignoring them and mailing them because they're cute.

lurkinglorna Sun 21-Jul-13 17:01:03

did she fill in the "income requirement" box Bant? that's the most vulgar box in the world!

spangledboots Sun 21-Jul-13 18:00:17

FakeTim has been emailing today claiming that he doesn't know what I'm talking about re fake photos. Eeesh. Can I block email addresses?!

spangledboots Sun 21-Jul-13 18:02:23

And good point on the requirements - I don't really highlight too many on my profile but I'm finding myself getting fussier and fussier! The biggest things for me is that they live nearby(ish) because I don't drive, that they're 6ft+ because I'm almost 6ft in heels and that they're fairly driven career-wise. Is that unreasonable?

KinNora Sun 21-Jul-13 18:04:33

Blimey, I'm beginning to think I'm too reasonable, mine just says contact me if you can spell and are funny.

spangledboots Sun 21-Jul-13 18:05:48

kinnora - truly amusing men who can spell aren't that easy to come by either ;)

KinNora Sun 21-Jul-13 18:37:10

You're not wrong there Spangled and if I'd put ' and who don't use emoticons or write 'lol' every five minutes' the pickings would have been still slimmer.

joblot Sun 21-Jul-13 19:07:10

Ah lol. It makes my lip curl. Am I too fussy? +snarling emoticon+

lubeybooby Sun 21-Jul-13 19:28:00

those of you who have me on facebook can I please request a 'like' on my rather decadent profile pic (Henry took it wink ) and I am very chuffed as it's probably the first pic of me since 2007 that I actually like grin

Bant Sun 21-Jul-13 19:29:41

Right here we go. I decided to shave as I had a week if stubble and was starting to look trampy. Tried to do the sideburns a la wolverine from the xmen, but looked more like John mccririck so went smooth.

I will try and banter. We'll see how we go

Good luck Bant. Let it at least in part make up for your crappy weekend smile

Lubey - stunna grin

lubeybooby Sun 21-Jul-13 20:11:01

Have I got you on fb (are you a namechanger?)

KinNora Sun 21-Jul-13 20:24:51

I would do Lubey but I've not got you on Facebastard , I'm sure you look gorgeous

lubeybooby Sun 21-Jul-13 20:33:39

add meeeee (I'll pm you)

KinNora Sun 21-Jul-13 20:42:33

I'll deffo add youuuuuuuuu, you lovely woman

ponygirlcurtis Sun 21-Jul-13 20:54:46

Evening all - thanks for the thought, Bant - I did let someone know where I was going, when, etc. The lack of planning thing really is just his failure to get his act together, indecision and not knowing exactly what he was doing. He asked me to come meet him at the park where he had been with his kids (his parents were taking over to let him away to meet me) but I refused, since my mum was somewhere in the vicinity!

So, we met. It was a nice date. We chatted quite easily in the pub for about an hour-and-a-half. It wasn't mind-blowing (is it ever on the first date?), but I kept stopping and checking and, yes, we both seemed to be having a nice time.

But I have concerns about the whole future - he's got kids living with him and so do I, how do we ever make time to see each other for anything more than an evening? And my older DS has already been through trauma with one step-dad rejecting him angry, I would have to be sure sure sure next time round. But then on the other hand, all previous relationships have been with men with an 'edge' to them, and it has got me nowhere. He seems genuinely nice and fluffy (if also faffy), maybe that's why I am not bowled over! But I need to ditch the edgy blokes and look for someone genuinely decent.

When we came to say goodbye (no snog sad - handshake and a chaste kiss on the cheek!) he said he would like to see me again, he'd very much like to take me to dinner. I had planned to be non-committal if asked, but I said yes please! blush I would like to have another date with him. But I think I will first write him an email and say that I enjoyed our date but that all the faffage leading up to was off-putting, and if he wants to take me out to dinner then he needs to step up a bit and take charge.

Wow, that was long! Sorry, been writing that in my head all evening.

Oh, and the number of blokes who have 'lol'ed at me in their very first message to me... immediately puts me off them before I've even read their profile!

lubeybooby Sun 21-Jul-13 21:06:58

Thanks Kin grin

ponygirl the last date I heard of that ended with a handshake has resulted a few months down the line in many big grins and a baby. we did all giggle (in a sweet way) about the handshake...

KinNora Sun 21-Jul-13 21:22:10

Pony the actual date itself sounds ok, it was just the pre-date arsing around, on balance I think you should gently say to him that there need to be more concrete plans if you're going to see each other again, you've got childcare arrangements to make etc. - I think that's pretty reasonable.

ponygirlcurtis Sun 21-Jul-13 21:22:37

lubey don't even joke about that!!!! grin I got pregnant within about six months of meeting my STBXH, that was just over two years ago and my mum wasn't pleased then. She'd be even less pleased for me to do exactly the same again!!! Live and don't learn, and all that...

ponygirlcurtis Sun 21-Jul-13 21:25:00

Exactly, Kin, am going to do that I think. I can't say nothing or else I am just indicating that it was all ok and I'm happy with dates being arranged like that, and I'm not. And it's ok for me to express that to him. (I have to say it out loud to remind myself of that fact.)

BloomingRose Sun 21-Jul-13 21:40:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KinNora Sun 21-Jul-13 21:50:18

Pony see this is one of the reasons I think you can use OD to reset the way you operate in relationships, it's getting used to being assertive and not standing for any crap and that that's ok and healthy.

Rose done it smile

ponygirlcurtis Sun 21-Jul-13 21:50:54

Thanks Rose - that's what I am trying to do now, analyse stuff he said for possible FWittery!

ponygirlcurtis Sun 21-Jul-13 21:52:34

Exactly Kin - I have surprised myself sometimes with the different ways I have said 'no thank you' to people. Before, I would have just worried about how I was going to manage to date everyone who asked!!!! grin

T2710 Sun 21-Jul-13 21:59:06

So glad date went well pony, and good for you to want to send the email.

Forgetting about 'him' since hes off doing his knows what with god knows who, and ignored me .(grr) I have a date arranged tomorrow evening with a lecturer in 'my subject'. Seems promising but he's flying over here tomorrow so I guess it could go tits up if there's a delay eye, but tomorrow was my only free night. smile

lubeybooby Sun 21-Jul-13 21:59:18

Rose yes it was my fave thorntons one wink

ponygirlcurtis Sun 21-Jul-13 22:04:17

Monday night date, T, sounds good! And a good way to put other people out of your head. Hope the flight is on time. Is he flying over just for your date? grin

OhWesternWind Sun 21-Jul-13 22:07:07

That's a really good point, Kin. I just need an Irish man to complete my set now. Know a handy Welshman if you don't mind a bit of drumming

Pony that all sounds fine. If you tell him beforehand to stop the faffing and he does, it's looking good.

Lorna ooh, nice!!

Bant hope it's all going well. Good call on the whiskers.

Sent "Been nice talking to you" type text to LM yesterday, no reply which was the general plan, but part of me feels sad about it. But I think it was the right thing to do, and I know he's not changed. Still drawn to him in a way even though I know what a dodgy and generally emotionally-unhealthy person he is. Which is stupid. Why do so many of us have someone like this?

No mention from Alpha about meeting up next week but I'm sure we shall. He's away the week after on holiday. Ho hum. Nice and vaguely suggestive messages today - he's improving!

BloomingRose Sun 21-Jul-13 22:11:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KinNora Sun 21-Jul-13 22:23:25

Let me try, hang on

BloomingRose Sun 21-Jul-13 22:30:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KinNora Sun 21-Jul-13 22:31:40

OWW I'd forgotten Drumming Man was Welsh, we'd fall out over the sex drumming though. You could have Spud except (a) he's a knob and (b) I love the neurotic little twonk.

No idea why so many us are drawn to these kind of people, although I know that in my case the resemblances between the two men that I've loved the most ( and been pissed about by the most ) and my dad are so horrifically blatant as to be akin to being slapped about the head with a giant penis with 'Electra Complex' emblazoned on it in 15" high letters.

ponygirlcurtis Sun 21-Jul-13 22:32:46

OWW - I wish I knew why we still get involved with men we know aren't good for us. sad I am trying to not do that this time.

ponygirlcurtis Sun 21-Jul-13 22:34:14

Kin grin

Winefiend Sun 21-Jul-13 23:12:05

T I think you are doing the right thing lining up another date ...takes the edge off the behaviour of bawsak on his hols.

My first lost weekend with Oor Ken ended on a handshake. I walked off megalolling hmm That being said, date didn't sound too bad pony.

First lodger night and I am hammered and turns out she also smokes - jackpot. However, slight musical diffs as on her turn she wanted Jason Derulo (who?) and I had Foals on mine. A v v v small issue (I can indoctrinate her).

Bant Mon 22-Jul-13 00:07:06

Evening all. Well date 2 with Aruba went better than I thought it would, given my mood earlier today. Sushi at a nice place, we made each other laugh a bit. It's always a little awkward at times when her English isn't perfect (and my Hungarish is execrable) but it was nice. Went for a walk afterwards, then back to her car and she drove us up into the hills above the city to her favourite lookout spot, which was stunning. Then we got out and walked a bit, talked a bit, held hands, then some kissing. Then a bit more kissing. Back to the car so she could take me back to mine, at one point I asked her to pull over where it was safe to do so, then we kissed a bit more, then continued on back to mine. Then kissed a bit more while sat in her car.

It was, all in all, very nice. There is a little something in the back of my head which reminds me of the Artist, maybe her perfume is the same? Not completely sure. Something to think about, but we're on for another date this week.

ponygirlcurtis Mon 22-Jul-13 09:16:21

When we shook hands, we both did laugh - it was just a bit awkward, we didn't quite know what to do!

Glad your date went ok Bant. Kissing sounds good! Hopefully you'll have another good date in the week.

T2710 Mon 22-Jul-13 09:48:22

Baby the date sounds like it went really well. Hope it's masked the pain if the other day a little!

Haha-I don't think Ive done a date handshake before!!

I'm feeling a bit guilty about my date tonight. Absolutely no idea why, and I'm still going on it. I've done multiple dating before but that was usually during the first couple if dates, not about 12 dates in shock

T2710 Mon 22-Jul-13 09:48:55

Oh my word, autocorrect changed Bant to baby somehow-I do apologise smile

OhWesternWind Mon 22-Jul-13 10:37:46

It's BantaBaby making a reappearance a few months early grin Glad it went well, Bant, all sounds good. Do you think the language issue/lack of common references will be an obstacle generally with your Hungarian dates? Are you dating at all in the UK at the moment?

T I think you're feeling guilty because your emotions are starting to be involved with the other guy, so it doesn't sit quite right with you to be seeing someone else. Hope it goes well - toilet update required!

Feeling pretty low about LM today. I think that secretly and very naively I'd been hoping that when he contacted me he would have changed and there would have been a chance to try again, but it's clear that that isn't the case. I know that was a stupid thing to think, and that stopping contact was the best thing to do, but I just wish things were different. Stupid. Cross with myself for getting like this as I know rationally what I was hoping for will never happen.

T2710 Mon 22-Jul-13 10:41:46

I think you may be right OWW! But sod him I'm not twiddling my thumbs til he gets back when he may or may not be in touch. The sex was just so bloody good! Haha.

Im not sure if the entire back story re LM but I do recall you talking about him here and there. Like has already been said, I think most people have someone like that in their past. Do you think if things move on a stage with alpha it may help to get him out of your head a bit?

ALittleStranger Mon 22-Jul-13 11:04:24

T there is absolutely no need to feel guilty. You asked him for more and to confirm what he wants and so far he has let you down. You are not in a relationship with him and for all you know you are now in the stage of him going silent and disappearing (sorry if that's harsh, monday mornings make me blunt). In the circumstances a date with someone else is fine.

Bant that all sounds very nice. And sometimes nice is what's in order.

Pony nothing wrong with not snogging each other's faces off. Sounds like a good date despite the faffing. Just keep an eye on the faff!

OWW sorry to hear you're feeling low. I think we all have those people who we kid ourselves will suddenly reform, want to try again and it will magically work. Problem is this rarely happens! No contact sounds like the way to go.

Bant Mon 22-Jul-13 11:14:23

T2710 - that's alright honeykins, no offence taken smile

OWW - I know exactly what you mean. But I remember how miserable you were, how you were second guessing yourself all the time, wondering if you were doing something wrong, wondering about the Little Friend, and you've got to try and concentrate on that. I had FrenchGirl FB messaging me yesterday and I was severely tempted to send a stream of vitriol about her behaviour so I'd burn my bridges with her, but I just couldn't hurt her like that... part of me is still holding on to hope even though it's the definition of 'hopeless'.

Aruba was nice though. Not amazing, not breathtakingly wonderful, but nice. I feel a bit like that's not enough because I want someone better than FG, but I have history with her so that's a tall order.

The Artist thing is coming back to haunt me though. She'd mailed me three times by the time I woke up this morning. I'm hoping she's a bit more laid back.

OhWesternWind Mon 22-Jul-13 11:19:22

T I was feeling quite good about Alpha before LM popped up again, not feeling so good now. Not sure if it's because I'm unsettled by the LM stuff, disheartened by the continuing lack of progress with Alpha, or a combination of the two.

I just cannot understand what's going on with Alpha. Never experienced anything like this, ever.

On the one hand, he takes me out, buys me presents, walks with his arm round me, holds hands, sends me messages several times a day, kisses me (very nicely).

On the other hand, he seems to have no will to move beyond this state of affairs.

I think I've made it clear to him that I want things to progress, but I'm not sure if they are going to. Don't feel like pushing this much more as I don't want to be wasting my time if essentially he's not interested.

Think I'm feeling quite low about this, too. I really don't understand what's going on at all.

Seem to have a severe case of cantbearseditis.

ALittleStranger Mon 22-Jul-13 11:23:33

Bant Aruba emailed you three times overnight?!

lurkinglorna Mon 22-Jul-13 11:25:19

morning all!

Baby, kissing sounds good! grin

Winefiend handshakes are very classy! grin as long as he gave you a firm one.

yeah OWW , there's an alan bennett play where the woman is married to a guy for all these years, but is still thinking about the "one who got away" when she gets elderly - as in someone she "almost" had a fling with!

ponygirl did you send that e-mail about timing?

T enjoy your date! smile

there must be some psychological thingy to do with unfinished emotional business, especially when one is thinking "oh that was SO close it was good in parts but if it had just been 10% better...."...

like european is cool but a bit of me is still thinking on ex-loves. hmmmmmm! not that i want to go out of my way to get them, but just thinking of them!

I have just had a totally awesome time out on the boat. Three blissful days at anchor out on a Dutch lake, all lying in the shade, sex, lake swimming and food and only one of those involved having any clothes on grin. We now have family visitors on board for a while so it's all change for a while.

Haven't caught up properly with the thread yet, wifi is slowww here so wondering if OWW has had any action yet and waving to everyone.

lurkinglorna Mon 22-Jul-13 11:27:15

whoop whoop Jules! smile and also a bit envy at boat fun

ponygirlcurtis Mon 22-Jul-13 11:35:11

Bant three emails overnight sounds a lot! How do you feel about it?

I haven't sent the email yet - I was waiting for him to mention last night about seeing me again, since he was so emphatic about it when we said goodbye, at which point I would say 'Yes, but with these provisos...' But he didn't. Frustrating again! But I have it all written out to just copy and paste into an email at the most appropriate moment. <cop out>

Juliette - sounds amazing! envy

Bant Mon 22-Jul-13 11:44:13

Oh they were short emails - just links to news items and restaurants we'd talked about - not long declarations of luuurve or anything.

I'm not scared yet, but it does remind me, combined with her having the same perfume, being late 30s and childless and having a slightly similar look to the Artist, of how she would mail me, text me and phone me constantly and how I eventually broke things off after 3 weeks because she was so intense. That was a lesson I have to try and learn from without becoming paranoid, I suppose.

Juliette - sounds wonderful, Make sure you don't get sunburn on your sensitive bits

OhWesternWind Mon 22-Jul-13 12:10:12

Juliette sounds totally fabulous. Am so envy but really, really pleased for you.

Bant You are quite right about how crap things were with LM, and I am genuinely much happier and better off without him, which is another reason why it's all so stupid. I am a fine one to talk but maybe you need to take FrenchGirl off FB/go no contact. This actually worked really well with me at first re LM because I was really strict with myself, and I should have been sensible and just ignored him when he texted again. Three e-mails before breakfast? Uh-oh.

T just enjoy it - you're quite right about not hanging around waiting for him.

More nice texting from Alpha . . .

Bant Mon 22-Jul-13 12:26:10

This is so not the right time to get an email from an old colleague asking if I'd be interested in a new job - in Paris, about 2km from FrenchGirl's house...

lurkinglorna Mon 22-Jul-13 12:42:15

Frenchgirl aside, are you tempted to work in Paris? sounds very glamorous to me envy at people with sorted careers!

OhWesternWind Mon 22-Jul-13 12:52:52

What have you said, Bant?

Easier to get home, just get on the train, could make life easier if you could sort out some kind of flexi-working (apart from FG).

Bant Mon 22-Jul-13 14:01:30

I really like my job right now, it's a great place, great people, good position (pay's a bit crap but it's cheap over here so...)

However, Paris is lovely, and as OWW says, the commute back to see the kids would be easier -but I couldn't afford a place in England and France..

But it would be extremely difficult to stay NC with FG if I moved there. And I don't think she'd want to rent me her spare room for some reason smile

mercury7 Mon 22-Jul-13 16:01:09

Glad to hear things are still going so well for you Juliettegrin

I am still seeing lover #1, lover #2 is still out of the country with work sad he thinks he will be more UK based by the end of the summer but if things dont pan out the way I'd like I may look for a replacement by the end of the year.
I cant just leave the door open for ever, then again some people do seem to have on off arrangements that last for many years confused

lurkinglorna Mon 22-Jul-13 16:05:40

any reason why you can't window shop for lover #3 now mercury? smile

mercury7 Mon 22-Jul-13 16:15:08

I suppose it might make sense Lurking but I just dont have the urge to meet anyone new.

I hate all that internet chat and the terrible sinking feeling that accompanies 99% of first meeting.
I've used OD for several years on and off and #2 is the only person I've felt very strong 'chemistry' with

lurkinglorna Mon 22-Jul-13 16:23:42

mercury i hope #2 gets based in the UK, these transient/long distance jobs are a pain even if there are some FINE men working in them! smile

mercury7 Mon 22-Jul-13 16:32:54

thanks Lurkingsmile of course my underlying concern is that if he is ever based here full time he'll look for someone else anyway...because I was just someone who was ok for occasional 'liasons' sad and most women wont put up with that sort of arrangement

oops I appear to have gone on a bit of a downer confused

lurkinglorna Mon 22-Jul-13 16:42:25

no need to slut shame yourself mercury, you choose what arrangement works for you and stick with it! smile i don't ever do "are we an item?" discussions as i don't really like or "need" my lovers being too official and don't like having to deal with the serious stuff like fucking mother in laws

and i think its better to hold out for someone you really fancy where things are a bit uncertain and 50/50 as to whether they work out, than "settle" for Mr or Miss No Chemistry just so you can play it safe.

Bant Mon 22-Jul-13 16:45:49

So this is a problem with dating a hungarian woman. Can anyone help me understand what this means:

"Be carefull, please meeting with me often and do not forget that I'm an active S.A.! Maybe learnt special methods to become a kind opiate... ;))
Take a restful night tonight!"

I have no idea. This wasn't, as far as I remember, any kind of private joke about opiates. Or S.A's (whatever they are)

I understand the last sentence. The rest of it has me confused.

Her spoken english is much more understandable than this, I should point out. Or at least I can ask what she's on about.

lurkinglorna Mon 22-Jul-13 16:47:26

google tells me S.A. stands for SEXAHOLICS ANONYMOUS? confused


mercury7 Mon 22-Jul-13 16:48:00

Lorna, I like your stylegrin
and you're exactly right, I'm not really much into 'official' arrangements either!

lurkinglorna Mon 22-Jul-13 16:49:08

software architect? systems analyst?

sales assistant?

mercury7 Mon 22-Jul-13 16:49:44

oh dear Bant, I have no idea what that means confused

Bant Mon 22-Jul-13 17:04:30

Oh its secret agent, it turns out. Her sense of humour is a little odd apparently.

Now. Kind opiate, anyone?

lurkinglorna Mon 22-Jul-13 17:09:14

Some sort of honey trap or seducer who will put you to sleep? (in the context of being a secret agent?)

bigstrongmama Mon 22-Jul-13 17:10:51

Bant, think you will need that restful night...I'd say SA=sex addict, and think she saying she is going to be like a kind of opiate (pleasure inducing drug...?)

Good luck grin

lurkinglorna Mon 22-Jul-13 17:13:53

maybe she's gonna do CUPPING on you? grin

Bant Mon 22-Jul-13 17:31:11

Ok it makes more sense now. She's a secret agent and she's learned ways to become addictive, so I should get plenty of rest.

Sounds promising. But weird smile

lurkinglorna Mon 22-Jul-13 17:34:22

grin bant

Secretservice Mon 22-Jul-13 19:59:06

You certainly can pick 'em Bant!

Yay!! For Juliette and heed Bants warning!

Waves, a touch manically, to everyone else.

I have a date on Wed and I need a huge dollop of freezing cold water please! Last night I joined Smooch, fed up with all the nonsense OKC and PoF had thrown up and within minutes, even without a pic, was chatting to Smooth Jazz, as he is now named. <does that sound creepy? I'll rename if it does>

Anyway, texting today and just had phone chat! He seems lovely and has made me all smiley. It's bloody ridiculous! I'm very obviously not an experiential learner, come please and make me see sense!

Bant Mon 22-Jul-13 20:31:36

It does sound creepy service, but sometimes that's okay.

Aruba is sounding weirder by the hour. And she just sent me a YouTube link to her favourite Craig David song, which may possibly be unforgivable.

lurkinglorna Mon 22-Jul-13 20:33:42


good luck with "SmoothJazz", why do you need cold water? smile its good to be enthusiastic about meeting someone, as long as you're not picking baby names and sending them to him?!

OD, i don't think i've ever had a good date/good attraction with someone where i've thought "oh meh" beforehand - i don't think great contact before GUARANTEES they'll be great in person, but it doesn't mean they're gonna be a let down?

lurkinglorna Mon 22-Jul-13 20:34:54

grin Bant nowt wrong with a bit of the Southampton crooner!

which one does she like? was it "seven days", is she hinting you need to start with a bottle of moet for two then make love the rest of the week?

spangledboots Mon 22-Jul-13 20:35:17

bant your antics with Aruba have me in stitches!

FakeTim has been emailing today trying to justify why he had photos which weren't of himself on his profile. His reason? He's shy. Pffffft! He says he's gutted and feels terrible etc. etc.

Bant Mon 22-Jul-13 20:38:27

Well lets hope I don't end up the same way spangled..

I'm sorry, faketim had photos of someone else? That's really special.

lurkinglorna Mon 22-Jul-13 20:38:32

spangled how weird!

i mean surely the way to erm...prove he's not some smelly weirdo who steals others pictures so he can get women to e-mail to actually agree to meet in person and follow through? wink

did you see THIS article? some creepy people out there!

spangledboots Mon 22-Jul-13 20:47:07

bant - haha! I hope you don't either smile

I read about that story lorna which is what made me do the google image search on his photos!

I questioned him on it a week ago but he was (allegedly) on holiday until Saturday/Sunday. On Saturday his profile disappeared on POF (I was being creepy and checking...) but he emailed me yesterday saying he didn't know what I was talking about. It was only when I sent him a screenshot of my search results that he owned up. God knows who he is really, eh?!

Hillman has been texting today...I've got a migraine and he's being nice smile

Secretservice Mon 22-Jul-13 20:47:13

bant when is creepy ever ok?

Hence forward just SJ then! Of course he'll have disappeared by the weekend, so it probably doesn't matter too much!

lurking it's bad because I haven't seemed to have mastered the balance between enthusiasm and insouciance! I've realised I'm a boundaries all up or all down, and enthusiasm seems to blast the wall away leaving not even a shallow foundation! And boundaries up seems to get me second dates, boundaries down gets me a shag and a thanks but no thanks text. I need a third way!

Pomegranatenoir Mon 22-Jul-13 21:00:16

Hello everyone,

I've not been on for weeks. Life took over!! Work has been crazy (and I love it), had a little trip to Butlins (I was dreading it but had the best time!!), developed a bit of an actual social life that involves chatting to people in real life not on Internet and now chatting to a nice man on pof. Not sure if I will meet him but I'm good either way. I'm moving out of my desperate single phase to a much more chilled happy with my lot phase. Life feels good!! It has taken me over 2 years to get here so I am making most of it!

I've been trying catch up on everyone's story - hello to the newbies!

Bant- gutted for you about frenchie. If I'm honest, I'm not loving the vibe of Aruba. She's okay for now but think you deserve something more.

Jules - yay yay yay for you and dutchie! Love it

Bill - love your approach to moon girl. You deserve to have someone that treats you the way you treat them. You are more than someone's pick me up!

Oww - LM is sooooooo 6 months ago. Give alpha a chance. He may not be full on bedroom fun now but sounds like he needs to get his confidence. I think it's better that he's like this than romancing every woman that chats to him. At least you know he means it. Does that make sense?!

Lubes - whit woo!! You look so happy on your pics!!

Kin - you know what you are doing with spud. Just make sure he isn't a scab that you keep picking and give yourself pain. Horrible analogy but you know what I mean.

T - ditch that boy. He is not for you - you deserve someone that will treat you properly not just when he hasn't got a holiday coming up. It's normal to overanalyse - I would be the same. He is playing games. Not worth your time.

Snape - love that you are still loved up!!!! Big smiles

Waving to anyone I've missed!!!

lurkinglorna Mon 22-Jul-13 21:22:50

secretservice you seem fine! smile

third way? assuming your goal is "more dates before shagging" whereas an old slapper like me likes some cock with my cocktails so i don't apply this myself

i think the best way is to cut down on booze on dates, go for afternoon coffee or lunch, avoid each other houses and sofas and of course don't be unfriendly but not so much "flirty talk".

so just watch the locations/planning! its like the "back to mine for coffee or a drink" is "code" in my opinion for "lets have some naughty time". or if you're in a bump and grind club or a SMOOTH JAZZ one grin.

whereas cinema where you are both driving in, its pretty hard to get it on without some serious planning!

and of course "three date" rules are bollocks, but work on your instincts and picker so you know that the guy is seeing you within the context of longer term dating before the sex. overall remember having a shag is nothing to be ashamed of though especially if its a good one

lurkinglorna Mon 22-Jul-13 21:25:58

yay for caring men "spangled" smile

Overtheraenbow Mon 22-Jul-13 21:40:02

Hello all still lurking just never time to post!!
So met The Woodcutter again on sat. Nice time apart from when he dozed of in the quiet bit of play ( I said to my mum I never had a date doze off before, she said dryly you never dated a 50 year old before!! True tho!!) also went to his and then for quiet pub lunch on Sunday! He seems nice, quick kiss sat night, he asked first!! Then peck yesterday , bit disappointed really , not that I'm desperate for a shag I am

Confession , I checked him out on Linkdin today (all checks out ) but should I fess up?

OhWesternWind Mon 22-Jul-13 22:38:06

Raen how long have you been seeing him for? I'm just asking because he's around the same age as Alpha who is also progressing very slowly.

News just in - went on Match as I'm going to hide my profile as I'm not currently looking (can't find how to do this on the mobile site btw - does anyone know how?) and Alpha's profile is not there. Interesting ...

ALittleStranger Mon 22-Jul-13 22:45:24

Well that bodes well OWW. It's looking like you've found an old fashioned one!

Secret only because you requested cold water... Everyone I've been actively excited about based on messaging has been a let down in real life. But someone has to buck that trend!

I actually laughed out loud at Craig David.

T2710 Mon 22-Jul-13 22:56:34

Evening all. just on way home from date so havent had a chance ti catch il yet.
Sorry I didn't manage a loo update! Well date went well but as much as I wanted to I just don't think I fancied him. And on paper he was perfect. Hmm.

OhWesternWind Mon 22-Jul-13 23:11:13

Just caught up with this afternoon's postings and what with FakeTim and Aruba this thread has gone beyond weird into the territory of the positively surreal.

Hill man sounds a much better plan, Boots. Hope you're feeling better soon.

SS no blooming cold water from me - just enjoy it. And if he's no good when you meet, at least you'll have enjoyed the anticipation. Hope it's good - what are you doing?

Hello lovely Pom whose life is going brilliantly and is now insouciance personified! Glad you had a good holiday.

Raen - nothing wrong with checking him out. Having been caught out by failing to google in the past, I am now a convert and had help from people on here to give Alpha a good going over (all seems to add up thank goodness unlike LM who is enmeshed in some very, very dodgy doings). No need to tell him, though.

Stranger I'm coming to the conclusion that he is indeed playing this like a proper old-fashioned romance - need to adjust my expectations a little I think. Alternative theory is that he has problems in the trouser department - think I prefer option one.

OhWesternWind Mon 22-Jul-13 23:12:10

Just seen your update T - what a pity. Not a grower then?

T2710 Mon 22-Jul-13 23:53:04

I'm not sure. He's actually living in Ireland at the moment and is flying back there on wed, so I have some thinking time before he's back over next month. He's moving back here in sept though
He was incredibly gentlemanly and lovely, just not gorgeous, midi I don't know maybe I should give it a second chance. I could do with a gent for once :0)
Will catch up in the morning-thread has been busy tonight!

Bant Tue 23-Jul-13 06:29:17

Oh bugger. 5 more emails from Aruba this morning - all of which were YouTube links to easy-listening songs by George Michael and others, which make my ears bleed.

This is rapidly going downhill. I've asked for a third date on Wednesday already and I don't want to cancel but..

I've been online dating for 10 months or so, and have had 2 third dates in all that time - always been my choice whether I do or not. Generally a third date will include the possibility of sex, and I won't do it if I think there isn't a future with the woman as I don't want to DTD with someone when I think it won't work out and end up hurting them, so I'll call things off beforehand if I'm not into her enough.

Aruba is reminding me more and more of the Artist. The sex with her was great although I worried about stolen condoms and the like, and she was just too intense from the word go.

So. Do I assume Aruba is as odd and break things off now, or do I go on the date and hope things are a bit calmer with less mention of crappy music. If things get all hot and heavy I doubt I'm going to refrain from DTD just because she's strange. I'm a nice enough bloke, but I am a bloke, and Aruba looks like Ulrika Jonsson.

Pros: She's very attractive and interesting to talk to. There is chemistry. She has a quirky sense of humour. She's into me. She's a good kisser. I'm pretty sure she wants to have sex with me soon.

Cons: She has a weird sense of humour. She's too intense when sending me all these youtube links. She's 38 (possibly older, we haven't discussed that yet) and childless, finished an 8 year relationship and I think she hears the clock ticking, is difficult to understand sometimes. Her music taste is diametrically opposed to mine. I don't want to hurt her.

joblot Tue 23-Jul-13 06:48:00

Bant- sounds like it won't go anywhere, that music choice alone would dampen my libido. But, she's good company, so could you or rather do you want to just date? Ie see it as short term?

I am getting a lot of interest from someone 19 years younger. She seems lovely and is more interesting and local than anyone else I've been in contact with. She's way out of my ideal age range but she's bright and can talk. I'm just fed up it can't go anywhere. Or I could turn that round and be happy that I've someone attractive who's interested and interesting and take sex/relationship off the agenda

KinNora Tue 23-Jul-13 07:05:06

She certainly sounds as though she's very keen on you, Bant.
If it was me I'd go on the date but then I say that knowing that even if they looked like Indiana Jones circa 1984 but something about their behaviour was off-putting, I wouldn't feel like jumping into bed with them.

As for musical taste differences, I spent 20-odd years thinking that my best mate at uni had played me a Chris de Burgh album, met up with Spud again and it turned out to have been him - that is inexcusable musical taste.

joblot Tue 23-Jul-13 07:32:26

Chris de burgh? Sick and wrong.

Bant Tue 23-Jul-13 07:35:24

joblot - you're probably right, I'm overthinking things.

I'm looking for long term, ideally, but not with the wrong person (been there, done that) but I'd be okay to date short term if someone is okay with that. I don't know what Aruba is looking for, so we'll just see how we go.

Kin - in an ideal world, I'd be like that too. But if someone is just a bit weird and very very attractive, I'm still going to do the jumping into bed. If they're downright insane and very very attractive, that might stop me. Probably.

So now we see which Aruba is. Quirky and keen or card carrying loony.

ALittleStranger Tue 23-Jul-13 07:54:57

Apart from terrible music taste, what is making you think Aruba is a loony?

I'm minded to agree with Joblot at this stage. Especially as you don't know what she is in fact looking for. And even if you're right about the clock etc, a third and fourth date aren't necessarily wasting her time. I'm looking for something long-term, it's not stopping me having short-term in the meantime...

You have to say something about the music though! You cannot live a lie.

Secretservice Tue 23-Jul-13 08:19:53

Good morning all!
Cracking thunderstorm last night, I love a rousing bit of donner and blitzen!

Trouble with YouTube links bant is that you know she's probably spent most of the evening thinking about you in quite a focused way - if she's sent five links, I'd bet she's dismissed 15 others as not quite right! And then she ends up George Michael!

T I would give him a second chance. A gent us always good, if only to redraw the perspective of how men ought to behave, after a run of quite rude faffers!

joblot 19 years seems a lot to me, particularly in a relationship, but if you're in the market for new friends, why not?

Thank you all drenchingrenching me, I've found my own perfect quencher - he's a short arse! I'm only 5ft 3, but all the men I have ever gone out with seriously have been over 5ft 10. SJ is 5ft 6

So, not a deal breaker or anything, but it at least has introduced an element of caution! I feel better knowing I'm meeting him, knowing he's not ideal grin

Oww not sure what we're doing, he's going to let me know a specific venue - Which is a good thing - rather than meet at a Tube station and then have to wander for ages trying to find somewhere and finally have to settle for a disco pub where you feel 120 years old, or a local populated by 120 year old men!

Secretservice Tue 23-Jul-13 08:22:17

Oops! 'Not drenching' and too many knowings - if only!

Kirstywirsty Tue 23-Jul-13 08:31:50

joblot my sister is gay and she met her partner through OD and her partner is 18 years younger and they have been together 2 years now

bant I think Aruba sounds a bit desperate and needy .. And yes a bit bunny boilerish like the artist

joblot Tue 23-Jul-13 09:04:13

I know it can be done. I'm not sure it's a long term prospect- I may be shallow but someone would have tobe pretty dspecial for me to date them in their late 60s.

This thread is a godsend- such a variety of bizarre dating experiences and related angst.

kirsty how is your sisters relationship viewed? Do they get grief for the age gap?

Bant Tue 23-Jul-13 09:29:40

Aruba may not be desperate and needy - she's sent me a strange email which took several people to decode, and a bunch of her favourite songs on YouTube. That's not in itself a crime, she could just be really really into music which I don't like.

I wouldn't do that myself, as it would come across as a bit weird and needy I think if I sent my favourite romantic tracks to a woman I'd met twice, especially 5 in a row at 7am.

I'm not sure if it can count as bunny boilerish (yet) - it's just an example of how coming across as too keen can put people off.

If she hadn't sent me those emails, if she'd remained cool and aloof a bit more, I wouldn't be worrying about my bunnies. She could be sitting at home looking up stuff on Youtube, rocking backwards and forwards in her chair imagining walking down the aisle with me and yet I wouldn't know it, so wouldn't be worried.

But now she's sent a few songs she likes, I am a bit worried that she's investing too much. So I'm emotionally backing off a bit. Can't help it.

joblot Tue 23-Jul-13 10:18:34

She sounds smitten. Which is sweet but unattractive when not reciprocated. Cant remember last time I sent someone my fave songs. Must dig out the jive bunny albums.

Bant Tue 23-Jul-13 10:21:50

I had a mate who was in a jive bunny video. None in Chris De Burgh videos though

Kirstywirsty Tue 23-Jul-13 10:23:18

joblot I didn't know about the age gap at first as my sister's partner is quite mature and so I assumed she was older than she is .. No one has any issues with them that I know .. My sister is 42 .. My other sister is 40 and her male partner is 55 and they've been together 12 years .. Seems to work for them

Bant Tue 23-Jul-13 10:32:52

Right - I've told her I haven't had the chance to listen to the songs, and there were so many of them.. smile

Also I've told her she can choose where to go tomorrow night - I chose the last two places. That way she can either suggest a favourite restaurant or I said she could even cook for me smile I told her I couldn't cook for her because it takes me so long to find the ingredients, what with them all being in a foreign language and all.

I have no idea what the Hungarisch for water chestnuts, garlic paste, chilli powder, greek yoghurt etc are - and you can't get the things here that you'd get in Tesco. Containers that look familiar have completely different foodstuffs in them. They don't show pictures of the food itself, quite often, just a generic picture of a stew containing it somewhere.

So food shopping is a slow process. Pick up a packet, read it, google translate it, say 'oh, fancy that. yuk' then put it down again. Repeat until store closes then go buy a pizza.

So. Aruba can cook, or we can go out somewhere. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt. If I dump someone because they're smitten by me, I'm not going to get far. I like to think I'm smitworthy

lurkinglorna Tue 23-Jul-13 10:49:38

hmmmmm, bant .

could the issue be more you're ambiguous about her anyway because of the frenchgirl situation?

i do believe if you're actually really keen on someone, the "oh they've done X which is a bit weird and tacky and annoying" arguments melt away?

ok maybe texts/long phone calls can be time disruptive and demand input from you. but e-mails just sit in your inbox and you can read or not read them at your leisure, no?

also i gather they're not demanding a response - she's not "i want to come over right away" and doesn't want to move the 3rd date to "i want to see you TONIGHT"?

some people share a lot of shit like music, films, interesting links with their friends. i agree its not my style at all and a bit annoying and shit taste is shit taste and i ignore most of them - but i reckon coming from someone we REALLY fancy its cute and very forgivable?

like last guy i was seriously in love with, i don't mean i was ignoring red flags or serious bad behaviour, but things that would've been hmm with someone i DIDN'T like that much were ok with him?

someone else kissing me without brushing teeth : "that's disgusting and inconsiderate, NEXT"

ex kissing me without brushing teeth: "well i'll try it out, being open is good - that's kind of nice!"

ex suggesting spending 3 day together soon in relationship: "awesome, great sex and more time together, i'm so lucky, when can i book the days off?"

someone else suggesting 3 days together : "oh no, i can't spend all that time with someone so soon in an interaction, they're needy, RED FLAG"

someone else doing all the "mushy shit" like putting me in bath to ...erm..MAgic FM grin: "eurgh, so creepy and tacky!"

ex putting me in bath to Magic Fm grin: "wow, romance is nice!"

lurkinglorna Tue 23-Jul-13 10:52:40

cross post! enjoy your date bant smile

Snapespeare Tue 23-Jul-13 11:07:13

bant this might be a spectacular post-frenchy rebound, might it? You seemed to have invested in Frenchie a bit (bearing in mind you are also in decree-absolute land) and you've DTD, so there are post-sex hormones flying around, which cloud the waters somewhat. awful musical taste in itself is not really an issue - that's the great thing about going out with someone - you get to hear new stuff and your horizons expand who knows, you might get to like George Michael the frequency of contact might be a bit of a worry, but, again that might be the post-sex 'whoop! I met someone lovely!' stuff. dunno. Look after your bunnies.

I sent nameless a youtube link to the ells, 'i like the way this is going' after a few weeks. i did, the eels are fab and it wasn't unbearably mushy. I've managed to not keep doing it...

with regard to nameless, things are still very lovely indeed - was around his last night after his week at his parents (he came back on Sunday and asked to see me last night) he's taken to saying, 'I feel really close to you' after sex or 'the holiday made me feel a lot closer to you', which I am translating as 'I love you, marry me, lets grow old together, hooray!' hmm I am absolutely not pre-empting this, but I am possibly on the edge of blurting out an 'I love you' but I can't think of the best moment, or how to not be an idiot about it. It tends to cross my mind every so often, like when we're having sex he's making me a cup of tea or toasting a pita bread and I think it's reasonable to put those emotions down to his tea making prowess hmm rather than any actual thing. I'm over-thinking this, aren't I? <sigh>

thread wave!

mercury7 Tue 23-Jul-13 11:09:11

Lorna-when you've got your rose tinted specs on for someone everything they do is filtered through that soft sweet pink lens

when the mist clears we are astounded at the things we put up withgrin

Bant Tue 23-Jul-13 11:09:55

Lorna - yep, I agree - if you're very keen on someone then waking up to them sending 5 of their favourite songs to you is sweet and lovely. If you think someone's okay, attractive, interesting, maybe this could lead to something and you wake up to the same thing it's more a case of 'woah there, hang on'

If your boyfriend suggests going on holiday together to Iceland, that's romantic. If a bloke you've just met on a first or second date does it, that's probably going to be way too full on and maybe a bit creepy.

FrenchGirl or not, I'd be a bit taken aback by too much enthusiasm at this stage. I'm keeping an eye out for red flags.

In all my dates from OD in the last year, I've only actually been really smitten by one person - the Amazing Vanishing Historian. She was attractive, interesting, had amazing eyes, and was a little standoffish but not too much. She disappeared before our third date because she'd got together with an ex. Other than that there was a lot of sexual chemistry with the Artist, I was attracted to and intrigued by Buffy, all the others have been either okay or a bit meh.

Aruba has potential but I'm not smitten yet. And if I'm not smitten by her now, will I ever be?

sincitylover Tue 23-Jul-13 11:30:40

hi everyone - I am a lurker - was on the original thread - where have all the fit and interesting men gone, then got involved with an exbf for five and a half years - that's all gone wrong so am redipping my toe again!

Met up with a guy who I met up with last time I was actively dating - think he's a player!. When we met recently although I enjoyed myself kept thinking - you're not exbf!

So maybe I am not really ready to go back into world of online dating? But on the other hand when will I ever be ready.

I don't want a partner or relationship for the sake of it but I do like male company.

Had an online chat with another guy who seemed quite nice the other night and an email from a very fit guy who I was instantly attracted to - I've emailed him but as yet no reply.

Anyway the more pressing issue is that I have also been in contact with local guy who is prob a bit too young for me - we've been texting and arranged to meet up at the weekend go to park for a couple of hours- if weather is good.

He's sort of irritating me though already - we've exchanged photos - all good - but for example yesterday I said I had to have a nap because I'd been up early and the heat got to me - and he texted - where's my invite? I know it's a joke and it may have been the mood I was in yesterday but later he texted what was I up to that evening and I just didn't reply. CBA

I mean I haven't even met him yet and know from past experience that there may be zero chemistry when we meet. He is being a bit presumptive I think?

I am debating whether to text him saying I fell asleep last night or leave it.

Normally I can't keep up with this thread too well but as I am on leave might be a bit easier.

lurkinglorna Tue 23-Jul-13 11:34:26

yeah definitely feel you there bant! smile

i think i'm not smitten with the european yet! i like him, i fancy him, i enjoy hearing from him, but if i never saw him again, i'd be "well ok then" confused

and as i'm past the "craving the big white dress" stage, is there actually any point in having a lover who is the "practical option"?

even the last guy i was in love with, i was "keen but not THAT keen" on him, i cried when we split up, but i wasn't devastated was out cycling next day and all grin

there's a great line in a song i know about "things are never easier than the first time". I try not to be cynical, but its harder and harder to "emotionally lose myself" as the years go on?

you know if i had a time machine from when i was a weird 14 year old, Id be very impressed with the kind of man i have as an admirer now?

but now i think all that dating/life experience means i have a strong sense of "oh, but if this doesn't work out something more exciting can and will be round the corner. meh"

mercury7 Tue 23-Jul-13 11:36:34

I only ever become smitten after the deed has been done, then again, often, after the deed has been done I never want to see them again.

Smitten-ness is unpredictable in my experience, it waxes & wanes according to obscure laws confused
and it's a rather uncomfortable state to be is being the recipient of unrequited smite confused

Bant Tue 23-Jul-13 11:36:57

but now i think all that dating/life experience means i have a strong sense of "oh, but if this doesn't work out something more exciting can and will be round the corner. meh..

... whereas I think I'm just a grumpy fucker...

lurkinglorna Tue 23-Jul-13 11:37:15

mercury grin

lurkinglorna Tue 23-Jul-13 11:40:49


hi, re: local guy I'd leave it?

you're annoyed by him already, there are other options, and yeah i think often people who are a bit "weird" and socially inept in texting are even worse IRL.....

lurkinglorna Tue 23-Jul-13 11:43:58

bant grin dude you can call yourself grumpy, but whenever you post i think of THIS song

Bant Tue 23-Jul-13 11:47:33

Erm... why? blush

mercury7 Tue 23-Jul-13 11:55:29

if I was inclined to send links to music video's (like...maybe when I was about 15 years old) I might send one and see what the response was, if it was enthusiastic I may send more.
But I'd not send more if the other person didnt reciprocate.

There are things that I'm enthusiastic & passionate about, but I not mention them much if the other person clearly wasnt into it...I mean I'd not go on about books unless someone else clearly liked to read alot

scrazy Tue 23-Jul-13 11:58:21

SCL, hello. Don't tell me it's 5 1/2 years since that thread was going grin. If local guy is annoying you then I would tell him to back off and stick to the plans or forget him.

Seeing LT soon, maybe for the last time. I am going to suggest that we take a long break from each other and see what happens. I might even think about ODing again when I'm feeling better. How open is Can everyone see you on there or do they have to pay up?

Snapespeare Tue 23-Jul-13 12:02:33

I think 'smit' can grow. I think overwhelming smiten-ness at the get-go can be a bit of a red flag, you don't know everything about a person - you might be nailing your colours to the mast too soon and then as you get to know someone you might minimise their behaviour to account for your initial declaration. hmm

lurkinglorna Tue 23-Jul-13 12:14:12

i am incredibly tempted to find a Flemish love song on youtube and send it to the european, just to see what happens grin

lurkinglorna Tue 23-Jul-13 12:23:00

ha ha i gave a USB stick on 2nd/3rd date with loads of songs to a very conservative stoic naval officer who was courting me! he liked me still (although that said, he never mentioned any of the music confused) grin

i guess i don't see the point of having a lover if you're gonna be on emotional tenterhooks and self conscious or on "best behaviour" all the time? show them who you are and show up as yourself?

sure you don't want to come on too strong or invade their personal space, but just sharing some interests is fine? i mean passing on some music is nice if thats your style, demanding they give up a weekend and hundreds of quid to come with you to an obscure concert as proof of their affection is not ok? i still have lots of music, books, that friends/dates recommended me.

Bant Tue 23-Jul-13 12:27:20

Lorna - I agree, you want to be yourself with your lover, share interests, all that stuff. I've done it myself - mix tapes, CDs, written poetry. But never to someone I've only met twice.

If Aruba had sent me one email with a link to a favourite song, that would be okay, even if I didn't like the song. It's just that I opened my email inbox this morning and there were 5 new mails waiting from her, and 3 yesterday morning. It's just a bit too full on, too quickly.

I mean, I know I'm wonderful and all smile but it's just making me more cautious than I would be otherwise

mercury7 Tue 23-Jul-13 12:33:05

it's not so much enthusiasm that makes me hmm
it's more one sided-ness...not seeing any need to adjust the level of contact to suit the other persons style

OhWesternWind Tue 23-Jul-13 12:35:44

I think you should mail some links back Bant in a counter-George Michael campaign - something loud with interesting lyrics. How about "Can God Fill Teeth?" by Lard as an opening shot?

Snapespeare Tue 23-Jul-13 12:40:31

yes! send her Nine Inch Nails, 'closer'. That'll see her off! (unless 'SA' does stand for 'sexually agressive'

lurkinglorna Tue 23-Jul-13 12:43:00

grin OWW and Snape

BloomingRose Tue 23-Jul-13 13:08:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BloomingRose Tue 23-Jul-13 13:20:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bant Tue 23-Jul-13 13:23:21

If anyone was wondering what he's up to these days (Craig David, that is) - he's playing music festivals in Hungary... Aruba proudly showed me the iPhone recording she'd made when she went to it at the weekend.

BloomingRose Tue 23-Jul-13 13:24:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I am now on a local sim so have 3G on the water. One word.


As you were

Winefiend Tue 23-Jul-13 14:00:30

Craig David? Oh my word hmm hmm hmm

I am most definitely out of action for the next few weeks as this morning I have discovered I have pityriasis AND cellulitis where I sunburnt myself the other week.

Sexy. As. Fuck. grin Rather irritatingly, my afflications appear to have some sort of magic and I have become a cock magnet this week. Bladdy typical angry

Winefiend Tue 23-Jul-13 14:13:20

And my 'afflications' appear to have affected my spellingz

OhWesternWind Tue 23-Jul-13 18:44:49

Oh dear. Sorting out time to see Alpha - he is nicely keen to see me tomorrow (tick) but goes on to say he's looking forward to "a nice dinner and a chat" and also bats back my suggestion that we go out near his (with a view to getting a bit of action back at his later) saying its easier for him to drive because of children/babysitter. Which it is, but he is just not getting it and therefore neither am I Thought I'd spelled it out pretty clearly but it's just not happening.

Just had row with horrible fighting dc, fed up about LM - no idea why he got back in touch if he was just going to fade back into the shadows so quickly and easily - and now obviously I am just someone to have a nice chat with to Alpha. I sodding well give up, fed up with it all.

bigstrongmama Tue 23-Jul-13 19:03:05

OWW is it time to come straight out with it and tell Alpha your concerns about his, um, abilities?! I'm feeling your frustration!

I had a date at the weekend, went well, liked him, think he liked me. We were trying to meet up again this week, but not free on same evening (really) so leaving it til next week, which is fine...but he has stopped texting altogether, which is not fine in my head! Am currently managing to resist the urge to send him links to easy listening tunes ;)...but also cursing my phone...text me you bastard!

OWW my lovely unless you have said, and I paraphrase, 'do you fancy a bit of how's your father' then you haven't spelt it out. However, you have hinted strongly and for him to ignore or not get any further hints is off putting so I think you're going to have to have a chat about it.

One thing, do you want his pants off because you're gagging for it, for him, or to prove something? Initially I mean, of course it's probably the first and last by now hmm

Is Bant out with the Sperm Acquirer tonight or is that tomorrow?

and crown just because grin

lurkinglorna Tue 23-Jul-13 19:07:02

mmmmm...sorry to hear about Alpha etc OWW.

any thoughts on maybe looking for other options?

don't take it personally, you know i'm convinced its actually a lot harder to find a "good and enthusiastic lover" than it is to find someone to say they're your boyfriend/partner? confused

even in my uber hot years it wasn't hard to find men to go on DATES with who wanted to socialise, buy me dinner, incorporate me into their lives, introduce me to their chums and get me on the marriage track, but actual good, connected sex with someone who is masculine and knows what they are doing is a lot harder to find!

lurkinglorna Tue 23-Jul-13 19:07:37

how'd you get the crown juliette?


lurkinglorna Tue 23-Jul-13 19:07:50


BloomingRose Tue 23-Jul-13 19:08:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lurkinglorna Tue 23-Jul-13 19:11:25

i'd keep on getting the risottos with alpha and get some other interests in

BloomingRose Tue 23-Jul-13 19:13:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BloomingRose Tue 23-Jul-13 19:13:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Winefiend Tue 23-Jul-13 19:14:53

Royal ughness.

OWW how did you leave things with LM recently? It is infuriating and I am more than guilty of picking at the dickend shaped scab with my ex (who I have a feeling has got the mesaage that I ain't gonna shag him again as his regular little texts have dried up this week and last). I think maybe going on this date with Alpha and having a chat about where things are going could be good. It's so hard though as you don't know if it's because he's been burnt in the past by having sex 'too soon' and has got attached/hurt or what is going on. Really tricky as you don't want to throw yourself at him just in case there is the tiniest chance he gets scared.

I feel your pain, so difficult but nowt to do with you personally as he obviously likes you a lot sad

BloomingRose Tue 23-Jul-13 19:20:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chocoreturns Tue 23-Jul-13 19:35:57

hello! Is it ok to just jump in? I need a bit of dating advice from you experienced peeps. I've been seeing a guy for about 3months, LDR, met on t'internet. The short version is a) we had some lovely sex. Yes it was quite quick but we were both fine with that. b) Also had a very instant emotional and intellectual connection in the beginning but c) He is totally cooling off now the distance problem is kicking in. And to be honest so am I. We're in weird limbo land where we text every day but only once, and it's usually something pointless. Definitely not going to go anywhere.

I'm ok with that, and actually want to call it off myself. But I just need to know an ettiquette question really - should I ring and tell him, is email/text very bad form? We've only seen each other 5x due to the distance (but two of these were full weekends). Letting it fizzle out is an option but doesn't seem very polite?

tips welcome!

No way is an apparent lack of interest in sexy time an indication that Alpha doesn't find you attractive OWW otherwise why bother. It has got to the stage though where anyone would loose it and blurt 'do you want to fuck me or what?'.

bluebeardsbabe Tue 23-Jul-13 19:49:48

choco...I can't give you any advise but I am glad to see you here as I was following your thread a while back and admired your strength smile I am also jumping in as just joined a dating site. I thought I was ready but apparently not as I already feel sick at the thought of having to trawl through weirdos who obviously contact any new person that joins!

Am on plenty of fish which I hear is not great, might have to upgrade and actually pay for membership. Thinking of Guardian soulmates...any advice?

OhWesternWind Tue 23-Jul-13 19:53:53

Blimey Rose if he ever saw me in leggings that would nip any stirrings of carnal desire right in the bud!

I feel like his sodding Aunty Ethel - "nice dinner and a chat" ffs. I don't want to be friends with him, I want to have a proper relationship that includes sex. I get such mixed signals from him and I am totally confused. Everything apart from this tells me that he likes me, but this is a bit of a biggie isn't it?

Had loads of problems with Titto sexually - he ended up refusing to have sex, all a control/punishment thing and part of the general abusive shit, but the constant rejection was really difficult and I find it incredibly difficult to try and initiate things when I'm not sure if the other person is interested or not. I'm fine if I know I'm not making a fool of myself, but this is a very difficult situation for me because of my history. Really can't be more overt without a bit of reciprocation.

Juliette well I want to go to bed with him because I like (as in both fancy and think he's nice) him and I need to see if the sex side works before this goes much further. Not bothered about the challenge, not interested in that, and if I ever get desperate I have my old mucker the builder who would be happy to oblige. If Alpha does like me, and I've given him the green light, why is nothing happening?

Wine I sent LM the kind of text that makes it clear you're ending the conversation and he didn't reply. Went away very easily so why did he pop up again? Lorna unfortunately LM was vvvvvv good in bed despite being a total arse.

Mama hope you get a date sorted soon. If you want to send him a link, Rick Astley is your man (just to get everyone singing again).


lurkinglorna Tue 23-Jul-13 20:01:31

OWW what you mean like THISgrin

T2710 Tue 23-Jul-13 20:02:06

OWW, how bloody frustrating. Maybe go for the dinner and just raise the issue. Do kissing sessions ever get a bit full on?

Chicco, I think maybe a phone call would be best. I am a coward and would be tempted to text, but I would rather have a call I think.

I'm on pof. It's a mixed bag. I think it depends on where you live too. There's def some decent folk on there yet (it's just for some reason I'm not attracted to them and go for the utter arseholes instead!)

OhWesternWind Tue 23-Jul-13 20:04:36

Hi Choco seeing as it seems to be mutual, I think texting (citing distance as the problem) would be okay here.

Welcome Bluebeard! Give PoF a chance - I've always found it to be okay and the same proportion of weirdos as paid sites (probably fewer than GSM which is a bit earnest and in this neck of the woods has a singularly unattractive selection of men on offer - picture a geography teachers' conference and you'll get the idea).

lurkinglorna Tue 23-Jul-13 20:05:25

chocco I'd e-mail or text - I think a phone call would be embarrassing for both of you given its more of a "casual lovers" thing!

(just food for thought, do you necessarily need to take a solid "get rid of him" step if you aren't really "holding out for him" and he isn't "holding out for you"? can be useful to have someone on your books still...)

lurkinglorna Tue 23-Jul-13 20:14:05

well I've SO just put the european on the Naughty Step.

we arranged to meet tomorrow night, but i get the vibe he wanted to see me earlier. yesterday i needed female alone time, but tonight was like "ok" to a rather last minute plan, instigated by him. i'd need to take my bike as my bank balance is dire right now.

i hinted i might be a little bit late, then he chivalrously offered to cover my taxi fare/give me a lift.

No, I lie. He sent me a message pointing out that i couldn't be late for the cinema and pointing out where the public transport stops nearby were? shock

i have sent him a snotty, but classy text saying "i'll speak to you tomorrow, but there appears to be an etiquette disagreement here"

grin grin

Winefiend Tue 23-Jul-13 20:22:17

Oh my word lorna, that text is classic grin

OWW pretty sure he'll turn up again, as mine always does. Despite the fact they couldn't give us what we wanted then and most certainly couldn't now besides v amazing filthy sex

OhWesternWind Tue 23-Jul-13 20:26:21

Aaargh and now he's just sent a message saying he's busy tidying up in case he gets a VIP visitor ... Now I am totally confused.

lurkinglorna Tue 23-Jul-13 20:27:09

winefiend my initial impulse involved phrases starting with f and ending with die, and having off in the middle grin got two "are you upset with me?" texts now. ffs!

yeah i reckon there's definitely a strong argument for having a non slaggy man to take us for risotto (i'm jealous, love risotto) and then a slaggy man to bend us over and make feel like a natural woman!

T2710 Tue 23-Jul-13 20:29:08

Looks like the situation is sorted then OWW!

BloomingRose Tue 23-Jul-13 20:32:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Winefiend Tue 23-Jul-13 20:34:20

Ooh OWW. You absolutely must reply with some not so thinly veiled smut grin

lurkinglorna Tue 23-Jul-13 20:37:43

sounds promising OWW, i'd just relax and "go with the flow" rather than make any assumptions about what it might mean smile

lurkinglorna Tue 23-Jul-13 20:41:53

...and trim my fanny, and put clean knickers on....

OhWesternWind Tue 23-Jul-13 21:09:03

Nope, no response.

Probably out on Friday then he's away for the week anyway.

This is actually not making me feel good and I'm looking at Rule 7 quite a lot ...

ALittleStranger Tue 23-Jul-13 22:04:00

OWW I was about to ask if the "chat" was gearing up for a talk about ED issues, but your VIP update suggests he is considering the possibility of you coming back to his. I think at this point you have nothing to lose in being quite direct, either verbally or, err, other means.

Choco in the circumstances I think a text is fine, but leave the door open for a phone call.

Bluebeard I like GSM, but it's the only one I used. Never been dicked around by anyone on it, although you have to be much more proactive than PoF.