Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Can't voice my opinion/concerns without him taking the piss & disrespecting me

(96 Posts)
ArthursWhiteHair Wed 17-Jul-13 23:40:14

I've always been very, very careful with money. I like to live by a budget, save up for nice things and have a safety net in the bank. Since living with DP (and it's only been a few months) we seem to constantly live in an overdraft.

A few times I've calmly said to him that I feel we should make more of an effort to budget properly. He dismisses this and says we don't buy luxuries as it is but we do! £20-£30 every weekend on cinema and days outs, we do "a shop" around twice a week and spend over £70 each time when we originally budgeted for £50 a week on groceries. He's constantly buying stuff off ebay - he just seems to spend without really worrying about where it comes from. But anyway he agreed we'd make more of an effort.

So last week I notice that the bank is £-150. A few days later it's £-200 and then at the start of this week it's £-300. I voice my concerns and he says stuff like "tell you what, lets not eat for a month" with a smirk on his face. Yesterday the bank was sat at £-500 and I tell DP I'm becoming very concerned about the increasing over draft. He tells me we can't cut back anymore than we do and I'm being unrealistic. Today the account was at £-630.

So later in the day he's making sarcastic comments such as "hang on, let me consult my financial advisor about this purchase" or "I was going to buy a drink earlier but didn't want to cause a financial collapse so went without." He makes out he's just playing around but I feel he's totally disregarding my concerns. We're not on bad money, he earns over £30k a year and I earn over £20k a year - when we wrote out a budget we worked out we'd have almost £200 spare a week after groceries etc yet we seem to just dig deeper and deeper into the overdraft. I don't understand.

Tonight I just wanted to talk to him about it and express my concerns, see if we can work out where we're going wrong and see if we can come up with a solution. He sat there giggling and smirking at me whilst I was talking and then said stuff like "ooo welcome to the adult world of relationships and mortgages and cars and bills - " err I'm 32, I've lived with "adult finances" since I was 17. He even said "if this isn't the kind of life you want, you should just say" - in other words, fuck off if you're not happy? So sensing that he was not taking me seriously I started to tell him about WHY I was so anal about money and budgeting. The conversation went like this:

"I just want to explain to you why it means so much to me, I had a bad experience when I was younger and ... "

he butted in with "look you're just over talking it, no point in going on about it."

FFS i was about to tell him something important about my past! how fucking rude. I told him he was out of order to cut me off like that so he said "ok ok, tell me what happened back when you were a child." in a mocking voice. (what happened was my ex and I got into a shit load of debt, all of it in my name and then he fucked off and it took me years to pay it back. I worked my arse off to do it but I did it and always swore I'd never get into debt again - but he never got to hear this story).

I've never been in debt since and I'm struggling with it and finding that I have no voice because if I bring it up I get laughed at or accussed of being a nazi with money. He's not interested in WHY I'm so concerned.

Another thing is that I went for a job interview last week. It was a horrible day, my beloved guinea pig died and I found him just before I had to set off for my interview. Made a twat of myself in the interview but somehow - I got the job. DP does not seem interested at all, hasn't really congratulated me (well he has but vaguely) and when a mutual friend told him to take me out to celebrate he said "yeah I will" - we were supposed to be going out tomorrow night and he's already trying to get out of it. We won't end up going unless I really push for it but why bother? if he doesn't want to celebrate why push it? where is the fun in forcing someone to celebrate with you?

CoalDustWoman Wed 17-Jul-13 23:46:58

He doesn't sound very kind. And he sounds very shit with money.

It doesn't sound like a very promising start to you living together. Can you separate finances? I would do that PDQ.

Yes, and LTB, but you knew at least one person would say that grin.

vintagecakeisstillnice Wed 17-Jul-13 23:48:56

Run away now. .
Run fast.

ArthursWhiteHair Wed 17-Jul-13 23:50:07

Another thing is we're supposed to be saving for a holiday - a holiday he says he desperately wants yet never wants to discuss. Probably because he knows we'll never afford it with the way things are.

CoalDustWoman Wed 17-Jul-13 23:51:53

And his good points? Is it just his golden cock?

p.s. he's going to do the same as your ex.

bigkidsdidit Wed 17-Jul-13 23:52:34

He doesn't sound like he's very nice to you. Is he?

Is it worth writing a list of the things you're unhappy with (as there seems to be quite a few different issues here) then look at the list and decide which issues are deal breakers and whether you want to go on with the relationship?

Money is probably the most common cause of arguments in couples, but he's not even showing you the respect of listening to you and taking you seriously.

FayeKorgasm Wed 17-Jul-13 23:56:25

How do you think things will be with this man in 5 years time? Do you think he is going to suddenly change and treat you with respect and behave like a decent human. Or will he be a knob who is 5 years older?

If it is the later - which I think is the most likely scenario - I would leave without a backwards glance.

sanityawol Wed 17-Jul-13 23:56:40

Please seriously consider whether you can live like this OP - if it is like this after just a few months of living together, it does not bode well for the future.

My ex did to me what your ex did to you... I have three more loan payments and I'm finally free of the debt that he left me with. I too am very wary of ever going back to that place.

If you have already gone through savings and are eating into your overdraft then at least one of you is living beyond your means and you are setting yourself to end up back in serious debt.

He also doesn't seem to be interested in anything that you say, and doesn't want to go out to celebrate when it is 'your' event.

At the very least, make sure that any account with an overdraft facility is in his name only. Remember that if you have bank accounts in joint names then he will also be affecting your credit record. Avoid credit cards with this man at all costs.

I spend far too much time lurking on MN, and the thing that struck me about your post is that you don't mention one single redeeming future that your DP has. What do you get from this relationship? How does being with him improve your life or make you happy?

Oh, good god alive, dump him and get a new guinea pig (sorry for your loss).

You've got a new job and this man is nothing but an albatross hanging around your neck. Get rid of the sarcastic bastard. His sense of humour is shit.

FiftyShadesofGreyMatter Thu 18-Jul-13 00:13:34

Separate your finances immediately!!! Then consider your options.

Great name, FiftyShades.

TalkativeJim Thu 18-Jul-13 00:22:17

leave him leave him leave him leave him

he's nasty, is already subtly bullying you, and I really don't like his attitude to finances either.

Walk away before you have a re-run of the ex.

Erato Thu 18-Jul-13 00:24:21

It doesn't matter why you're worried about money tbh, you shouldn't need to justify yourself to him. It's a completely normal and reasonable (adult) attitude to want to live within your means and his belittling approach is fairly worrying.

I'd separate your finances from his as soon as possible - no more joint account if he can't be responsible. And don't fall into the trap of nagging him- you're not his mother so tell him what you expect (sensible budgeting, no debt) and ask him if he can do it or not. If not, then it sounds like a deal breaker for you?

suburbophobe Thu 18-Jul-13 00:29:04

What's to like about this guy?

I agree with the others. Get out now because it will just get worse. You know you don't want a rinse and repeat of your previous experience.

He sounds vile, treating you like that.

BettyCrockerLover Thu 18-Jul-13 00:42:50

The smirking bit is boiling my blood. I hate it when people smirk at me. How dare he belittle you like that? and the mocking voice when you are telling him serious things. Uff

What do you actually like about him? What are his good points? He sounds like a disrespectful manchild tbh.

BettyCrockerLover Thu 18-Jul-13 00:43:35

But good on you for being so smart with your cash. You don't need someone like this bringing you down!

Sneakymeezer Thu 18-Jul-13 00:48:14

Truthfully, the lack of respect and the money issue would be a deal breaker for me. Separate your finances ASAP, but give serious thought as to whether you want to be treated like this. This attitude will soon carry over to other issues in the relationship. I don't think he'll change so you need to decide whether you are happy to live like this and be treated that way. Best of luck!

ImperialBlether Thu 18-Jul-13 00:48:47

He is the twin of the other guy.

You need to speak to the bank and do what you can to close that account asap. Wait until his wages go in so that it's in credit.

Run as fast as you can from this awful man.

lookingfoxy Thu 18-Jul-13 00:49:56

Separate your finances as of NOW.
If he wants to piss money up against a wall make sure its his money and any debt is in his name. Split the bills down the middle and I would go as far as buying my own food, I mean seriously £140 per week for 2 people!!
After that's sorted I would seriously reconsider the relationship.

Noregrets78 Thu 18-Jul-13 00:51:10

Ew yuck I lived like that for years. Got so that I didn't dare say anything even when we were broke as he'd imply I was stingy. If you're sharing finances it has to be a shared responsibility.

Ditto to what everyone has said.

kicker Thu 18-Jul-13 00:53:47

It won't get any better. Sever all financial ties with him at least. Check your credit score.
His behaviour sounds very similar to my soon to be xH. You cannot sustain a relationship with his belittling you. I bet he calls you stingy and thinks of himself as generous.

crossparsley Thu 18-Jul-13 01:01:12

so he said "ok ok, tell me what happened back when you were a child." in a mocking voice.

That was cruel - playground cruel. And it indicates that he has no real room in his head or heart for you. If he can't understand and apologise for that, he is not ever going to be your rock, however much you are obviously capable of being superb for him or (hopefully) someone else.

Putting the financial issues aside for a minute, he sounds completely condescending, smug and very disrespectful. That alone is a huge red flag for me.

As others have said, separate your finances, if necessary have a joint account for household expenses that you contribute equally to, then manage the rest of your money yourself.

Then seriously consider how the way he treats you makes you feel, and remember that your life partner is supposed to make you feel special, appreciated and supported.

ImperialBlether Thu 18-Jul-13 01:03:54

There's no point in just splitting the money, though that's vital at the moment. This is a man with no respect or love for the OP. He belittles her when she tries to explain herself. He thinks he can spend her money - of course he must be feeling rich now that his money is "shared" with her.

OP, you need to get rid.

pictish Thu 18-Jul-13 01:07:39

He's a disrespectful idiot.
Honestly? Doesn't bode well.

Oh god, just dump him

There is not a single positive quality he could have that would outweigh all that bullshit.

WhiteBirdBlueSky Thu 18-Jul-13 02:03:13

You will end up paying his debts if you stay with him.

BadLad Thu 18-Jul-13 03:33:35

Even if he was nice, the fact that you want to be careful with money, but he is making the family overspend on a joint income of over 50k a year would mean that the relationship is unlikely to last.

LumpInTheCustard Thu 18-Jul-13 04:15:55

So...

He doesn't congratulate you when you've achieved something good.
He doesn't commiserate with you when you're sad.
He won't listen when you try to tell him something.
He won't respect your opinion.
He mocks and is sarcastic rather than being attentive and supportive.
He is shit with money.

I see two separate problems here. His attitude to you, and his attitude with money. Neither are good and frankly either of them would be a deal breaker for me, and the two combined would have me running screaming for the hills.

I agree with many other posters - in this situation my first action would be to quietly disentangle my finances from his. My second would be to LTB before I strangled him for being a mocking money-pissing twat.

What a horrible man. Close the account as soon as the OD is paid when he gets paid and separate your finances, then run like the wind.
He's showing you who he is and he's a twat with no respect for you, so believe him. It doesn't get better.

ratbagcatbag Thu 18-Jul-13 05:01:17

How long before you're entangled in a right mess. Me and DH through a variety of reasons ended up in a financial mess, we earn good money between us, but just was crap with it. We ended up with nearly 30k on credit cards, one day had eureka moment, did a snowball checker and realised we were paying £900 minimum payments and clearing £140 off balances shock I sat DH down went through everything, he listened, was shocked that at that rate it would take 47 years to clear it. Applied for 0% balance transfer cards with the longest months we could find. Switched lots of money and we are now just under 10k within 18 months, BUT we bth had to want to do it, we live ok still but anything over £30 each to buy is mentioned, as we budget really well. He will drag you down and ignore anything as its not important to him. This is my second ever LTB and I've been on mn for a good few years.

Been there. He is not going to change, so cut your losses and get out now.

Good luck!

TwllBach Thu 18-Jul-13 05:34:41

Definitely been there!
Thi time last year I was writing similar posts. Dp would belittle me, he worked full time while I was a student and yet I was always lending him money, he ignored my graduation and subsequent job offer... After posting on here I eventually got rid. I know have a new dp who is sensible with money and genuinely seems to worship me and is proud of everything I achieve blush

Find someone nice op

<waves at Imperialblether>

Onetwo34 Thu 18-Jul-13 06:06:14

He doesn't sound very nice
He doesn't sound capable of living within his means, in his 30s - he isn't an immature 22 year old.
And did I mention he doesn't seem to be nice?

Not really good signs there for a happy life.

buaitisi Thu 18-Jul-13 06:59:02

Op, how long have you been sharing your finances? Was it his idea?

If you don't want to leave, tell him your differing attitudes to money is causing arguments and making you feel bad so you've decided to go back to having your own account.

What is it he's eating into the overdraft for? Stuff for both of you or just him?

kalidanger Thu 18-Jul-13 07:30:48

Agree strongly with everyone else. Strongly.

I had to get rid of both a rude and financially incontinent man. Our combined income was £50k but we were always 'poor'. No, suddenly I was always poor hmm

I think you should take him up on his excellent advice that "fuck off if you're not happy".

Get next months salary paid into your account and spend the last day of the month dumping him.

thanks

comingintomyown Thu 18-Jul-13 07:57:37

I am like you about money and couldnt deal with his attitude towards it, its a fundamental mismatch between you

I agree with everyone else he sounds vile

joblot Thu 18-Jul-13 08:06:55

I'm with the others- who point out he treats you with contempt and thus you need to get rid. He sounds utterly vile. Treating you so badly is absolutely not ok. Please look after yourself and get him out. Keep any valuables or joint purchases, he owes you big time

marriedinwhiteagain Thu 18-Jul-13 08:12:00

So now you are with a man who earns 50% more than you and within a couple of months you have a 630 overdraft to which you haven't contributed. Add to that the fact that he's not making you happy. This isn't what you want is it OP?

You have a new job - make sure your first salary goes into your own bank account and make him have his own too. Shut the joint account immediately. Then - see those hills in the distance - run for them; run like the wind.

Sorry you're in an upsetting situation though; always horrid when someone you had high hopes for lets you down but get out now and get out fast - will be better in the end.

Chesntoots Thu 18-Jul-13 08:28:03

My ex dumped me with over £30k debt. It took me just over four years to pay it off.

I will never get financially involved with anyone again. It screwed my credit file totally.

This man sounds like an arse with no redeeming features whatsoever. Please get rid. Don't throw away your hard work for this cocklodger.

MadBusLady Thu 18-Jul-13 08:58:13

He sounds absolutely horrible. Was he like this before you moved in together?

MadBusLady Thu 18-Jul-13 08:59:01

Sorry about your guinea pig, by the way. They are adorable pets, aren't they.

TurnipCake Thu 18-Jul-13 09:04:05

He's a nasty arsehole, I wouldn't bother hanging around waiting for it to get better, because it won't

mizu Thu 18-Jul-13 09:11:10

cocklodger grin

ivykaty44 Thu 18-Jul-13 09:12:35

Get out or if you can't get out seperate your finances- tell him that you want your name of the bank account then you will not give him any further grief over how much he wants to spend. But beware as he will try to drag you down with him and he really will not want you to get your name fo the bank account as he wants you to pick up the peices as he is a snivelling stupid person who laughs at others to make himself feel better

wordyBird Thu 18-Jul-13 09:25:51

You don't understand, because you want to be fair about money, and think he does too.

But he regards all money he can get hold of as his own, including yours, or the bank's.

This man is going to do what your ex did. He has already started down the road. And he doesn't care about you: he openly mocks you and treats you as his money-supplying inferior. sad

Please get out. You deserve better.

FobblyWoof Thu 18-Jul-13 09:29:32

He doesn't sound worth your time to be honest. His blasé attitude towards money would be enough of a concern, but to belittle you and minimise your feelings? Not on.

I honestly don't think it's worth sticking around in this relationship to be honest, even if you get n great, really love each other etc etc, you seem (and quite rightly) not to want to put up with money worries forever.

PrincessKitKat Thu 18-Jul-13 09:34:48

The main reason you live with someone is to see if you are compatible, and, as previous posters have said, money is a fundamental thing in a serious relationship.
You have vastly different views on this topic and he is acting in a very child-like manner - both in his attitude to money and his behaviour towards you.
Im definitely not a 'LTB' person, but as its early days and these fundamental cracks are appearing, I think you need to consider seriously if he's worth your love & attention. If you stay it'll mean breaking a serious promise you made to yourself and putting up with his 'hilarious' (condescending) behaviour.
If you're not ready to give up on this relationship you do need to split the finances. Just a suggestion but we have a personal account each & put our half of the rent, gas etc into the joint account. Then he can spend his cash anyway he likes & yours is safe, but you'd need to watch the joint acc - taking the rent money to spaff on rubbish would be unforgivable to me and would make the decision to leave very easy.
Just wondering, does he show any interest in gambling? My OH used to like the roulette machine (until I asked him to keep a spreadsheet of wins & losses).

PatriciaHolm Thu 18-Jul-13 09:36:44

Unfortunately, you've ended up with another spendthrift, and a mean one at that. His attitude to you is vile. Long term this is just going to end up with lots of debt in your name again, isn't it?

This current guy is really another version of your ex who financially screwed you into the ground.

It goes without saying that you need to be rid of this current waste of space but you need to look at your own behaviour in this as well. You have also allowed it to get to this sorry stage. Why did you choose so badly again?. He's the same type of waster.

This is not a relationship of equals at all; this sounds more like entitled manchild with you taking on the parental role.

Madratlady Thu 18-Jul-13 09:45:23

My dh it terrible with money. We are both contributing to a large debt he's been paying off for years. I am happy to help him clear it so we can start looking forward and saving.

Thing is, unlike your 'd'p he acknowledges his inability to manage money, so I do all our budgeting and he asks me about all spends other than essentials like petrol, over a few pounds. He suggested this system. It works for us.

Your dp also sounds horribly rude and condescending. You deserve much better than someone with such little respect for you.

MrsDeVere Thu 18-Jul-13 09:54:39

You have had loads of good advice.
So all I can add is that is a lot of money to go through in a week!
WTF is he spending it on. He has gone through a month's money (for a lot of families) in a week.
And he just keeps on going.

pictish Thu 18-Jul-13 10:03:55

Here's what to do.

Go about getting seperate accounts immediately. Keep things simple. You look after your money, and he does the same.

When you inform him of what you have done (because you're off to do it today I hope) you tell him exactly why.

"I tried to raise some very real concerns I have regarding money, with you, but you took the piss out of me...so I have decided to protect myself. You gaily piss money up against the wall, then treat me like an idiot for having an opinion about it. Well...I've been there before, and like fuck am I going there again! Suck it up."

His reaction is all. If he is embarrassed, remorseful and contrite then maybe he's just an idiot.
If he kicks off, then you have a deeper problem to worry about, and I'd be advising you to write off this guy as a long term option.

NicknameTaken Thu 18-Jul-13 10:28:09

LTB. I agree with previous posters that he's your ex all over again.

Once your'e out of the relationship, I suggest spending some time looking at your relationship partners to see how you ended up with two financially exploitative partners. I don't mean that this is your fault, in any way - but you might find it helpful to look at your own childhood and think through what you're looking for in a partner and what you are prepared to tolerate.

You've done really well in overhauling yourself financially after your ex - now it's worth doing an emotional audit on yourself too.

You've been there with your ex and you got yourself out of that mess - you can do it again!

Twinklestein Thu 18-Jul-13 10:52:42

He's just so awful in every way that this isn't even just about the appalling attitude to money.

Literally he is like a teenager: he seems to see you as his mum or his teacher, smirking when he's 'told off'.

I have no doubt you can do so much better than this OP. Get rid of him before he runs up another massive debt.

Jan45 Thu 18-Jul-13 10:59:19

Personally I think some posters are OTT on this, he sounds like a typical guy, not taking things seriously, I doubt he is meaning to deliberately upset or hurt you but he is and he needs to acknowledge that, other than telling him and him rectifying his behaviour, the only other thing you can do is cut your losses with him.

If you want to remain living with him, separate the finances, have an account where you both put in your contribution and that is it, you have your money, he has his, let him do what he likes with it, as long as it isn't yours. What is the living arrangement, do you have a joint mortgage together or just renting?

IWipeArses Thu 18-Jul-13 11:02:20

He sounds utterly horrible! Separate your finances from his as fast as you can and then get out of it.

fuzzpig Thu 18-Jul-13 11:10:26

I don't think it's a typical guy. Most grown men are not so disrespectful of the partners they are supposed to love, and the attitude to money isn't a typical man thing either IMO.

OP, DH has been in your position with his exW, he ended up with £25k debt when he finally found the strength to leave - he had not spent any of that himself. She was also emotionally (and sometimes physically) abusive. It left such a huge dent in his self esteem and general outlook on life, not just on his bank balance.

It must have been very damaging for you to go through that with your ex, and it is going to take a lot of strength to stop this happening again.

TBH even without the money issue, he sounds really nasty and disrespectful. You deserve BETTER. You do not need to be with someone who treats you like that, you really don't.

To use a popular MN phrase, he has shown you his true colours now - BELIEVE HIM. It might not feel like it now but you are, in a way, lucky - because he has shown himself in this light relatively early. Don't ignore this.

Xiaoxiong Thu 18-Jul-13 11:17:00

jan45 seriously, you think that behaving like a sarcastic entitled spendthrift is typical guy behaviour?

Jan45 Thu 18-Jul-13 11:33:16

I think a lot of guys don't take finances as seriously as women and it's usually the woman who juggles them, pays them etc, not always but I've found with myself and my friends it is us who do the budgeting.

I'm not going to tell her to leave him cos she's not asking that.

As for the disrespect, as I've said already, if he can't accept his attitude is hurting her then she should cut her losses.

As for the finances, I don't see why they can't be separate with both of them paying into a joint account to cover bills etc, they are not married. If he wants to waste his money let him, it's his to waste, she doesn't have to do the same or be responsible for any of his debts.

Tuckshop Thu 18-Jul-13 11:41:08

Listen to pictish. Agree with everything she has said.

He is absolutely not a "typical guy", he sounds awful.

MadBusLady Thu 18-Jul-13 11:42:15

I don't think the money issue is really the problem here, jan. And I don't think the OP thinks so either from her thread title.

Jan45 Thu 18-Jul-13 11:47:17

I think the money as well as the way he is disprespecting her are the issues, from what I can gleam from her thread.

Ok, possibly not typical guy behaviour but hardly a reason to pack a bag and leave, surely worth trying to sort out and come to a mutual compromise, they've only just moved in together.

My OP is not good with his money, we pay a certain contribution into a joint account that covers all bills, the rest of his money is up to him how he spends it and same for me, it works for us, sounds like it might for them too.

Tuckshop Thu 18-Jul-13 12:03:39

It rings massive alarm bells for me that so early after moving in he can't sit down with her and discuss it maturely. He is mocking and dismissive and already there has been a day when she really needed his love and support and it wasn't there, and he is reluctant to celebrate her getting the job. I'm not sure what in all that you expect her to compromise about - other than just roll over and let him behave how he likes.

Twinklestein Thu 18-Jul-13 12:09:35

Jan - the OP has tried to negotiate multiple times & been greeted with dismissal and smirks.

Do you seriously think that a 'mutual compromise' is possible?

More to the point, this guy seems totally uninterested in the OP: not interested in her concerns about money, nor her past experience, not even her new job.

He doesn't sound like he has the remotest idea how to be in an adult relationship, or even if he would be that bothered if she dumped him.

Jan45 Thu 18-Jul-13 12:10:24

A mutual compromise means both of them agreeing an acceptable way in which he talks to her as well as sorting out the finances.

Not once have I said she should roll over and let him behave how he likes, please re read my posts if you're unclear.

Yes it does ring alarm bells but other than sitting down with him and sorting it out the alternative is to leave - lots of peeps on here seem to think if you have a problem in your relationship the only way of resolving it is to pack a bag or get rid - I would prefer to work things out, if possible.

Tuckshop Thu 18-Jul-13 12:16:59

I'd agree if she hadn't already tried sitting down and sorting concerns out with him - he doesn't sound like someone able to own his "stuff", discuss and agree things with her, when she has attempted to do just that he just became sarcastic and mocking.

Jan45 Thu 18-Jul-13 12:27:21

So what do you suggest she does then, pack a bag, or get rid?

I'm suggesting one more try at sitting him down and aiming for an agreement where they have a joint account for covering bills etc and make it clear to him it's because she does not trust or agree with how he manages money.

And, more importantly, how he is treating her.

If he can't do the above which isn't hard then I'd suggest then getting rid or packing the bag.

ImperialBlether Thu 18-Jul-13 12:32:02

Look, he's shown what he thinks of her by his actions. He is enjoying spending more money now because their money is combined. He has no thought of her. He has shown no respect. He is really awful.

Do you really think a conversation with him will change him?

Why bother trying? He's shown what he's like. They don't have children, so no reason to make one last big effort. He's shown himself to be the kind of person she doesn't want to live with.

Jan45 Thu 18-Jul-13 12:37:50

Because they've just moved in together so I would doubt the OP now wants to walk away, not once has she mentioned anything about feeling the need to leave him.

If he's always been bad with money then it won't be personal against her, it's the way he is = useless with money.

I get the impression he is not taking her concerns seriously enough, hence the jokes etc, one last conversation with the two ultimatums are worth a shot in my book.

Xiaoxiong Thu 18-Jul-13 12:40:22

I think by the time a lot of people get to the point of posting here they have already tried coming to a mutual compromise, sitting down and sorting out an alternative, and working things out. And it hasn't worked, so they turn to MN when they don't know what else to do.

Often in those circumstances the answer really is LTB because OP has exhausted all the usual courses of action before posting here.

Jan45 Thu 18-Jul-13 12:44:10

OP, why not try writing him a letter, it might make you feel better and also get across your need for changes here?

Jan45 Thu 18-Jul-13 12:44:53

Xiaoxiong: yes some do but equally a lot come on here to vent, it doesn't mean they are considering splitting up, the OP has never mentioned that as an option.

Ragwort Thu 18-Jul-13 12:46:24

But Jan45 the OP has tried to sort out the financial matters by discussing it with her 'D'P who is clearly not taking it seriously at all. Yes, I do think she shoud leave him, financial combatability is crucial in a relationship and clearly they have totally opposing views over how to handle finance. It is in no way a 'typical guy' thing hmm.

ImperialBlether Thu 18-Jul-13 12:47:35

Well, reading the OP, it's about far more than money. She may earn the money back but it will take her longer to regain her self respect.

expatinscotland Thu 18-Jul-13 12:51:19

I would NEVER stay in a relationship with someone so diametrically opposed to my values about money, especially a disrespectful spendthrift.

He doesn't want to compromise and sounds immature.

I would end this. Lucky escape.

Jan45 Thu 18-Jul-13 12:51:22

So from reading one post you have decided she has tried to sort this out and now should leave, ok, your opinion, I disagree.

I'd bet money the OP would rather resolve this than pack a bag that she's only just unpacked.

She hasn't given him an ultimatum, she needs to.

DontmindifIdo Thu 18-Jul-13 12:57:15

OP - if you do come back to this thread, can I just say, everyone else has said much better why this is a bad bad sign, but if you do end this relationship (or at least, accept this isn't a man you can share finances with, you might be better as a couple if you just date and keep separate homes and finances), don't beat yourself up over it.

At least you've realised this is a problem at less than £1k debt, at only a couple of months.

To be honest, the money isn't really the bit that would have me dumping him though, it's the lack of caring and respect for you. The being a fuckwit with money just means you need to do it sooner rather than later. Having no voice in a relationship is crap, you were better off on your own.

Ragwort Thu 18-Jul-13 12:57:42

The OP (where is she by the way?) gave us a lot of detail about how he spent money, how he was unsupportive regarding her new job and has been generally very dismissive and sarcastic in her very reasonable requests to discuss how to approach their joint finances.

Regardless of the disagreement on how to handle their finance, if anyone spoke to me in that sort of way I would be packing my bags.

The OP has already been in a financially abusive relationship, & managed to repay all the debts, the last thing she needs is another one.

MissFenella Thu 18-Jul-13 13:00:54

he's fleecing you now and it won't get better, his debt will suddenly become your joint debt. Be wary even with seperate finances, as emotional blackmail will be employed and suddenly its your shared debt again. He will try and make you feel petty, childish and a misery party pooper for not wanting to spend like a loon. If he cannot even pretend to be nice in the early, unsure stages of a relationship listen to what he is telling you, he's going to be a complete shit when he feels 'settled'.
I speak from bitter expereince.

TexasTracy Thu 18-Jul-13 13:01:51

Hmm, so you ask your partner to support you and instead he mocks and undermines you...

Why is that so difficult to predict your future, let go and move on?

Jan45 Thu 18-Jul-13 13:19:40

It's very easy to say pack your bags, go where exactly and what if you love that person?

I have a friend whose OH was in loads of debt, she told him she couldn't live like that, she gave him an ultimatum, it took him 3 years to pay it off but he did it so people can change, she did him a favour as he's now really careful with his money.

The OP has talked several times calmly about their situation, what I am saying is, forget the calm talking, it's ultimatum time, at least give him that before getting the bag out again.

oscarwilde Thu 18-Jul-13 13:26:11

He probably has debt already that you are unaware of.
Life is too short for this. LTB or kick him out asap and consider it a lucky escape.

Katnisscupcake Thu 18-Jul-13 13:45:36

My DH was in a terrible financial state when we got together and I wasn't much better with a £25k loan to clear. But over the 3 years before we got married I cleared all my debt and helped him clear his too. We worked on fixing our credit scores and got our finances on track to be able to buy a house.

Now I control ALL the money. We have a joint account and our own accounts aswell that a small amount of money is put into each month for us to spend as we want to, no questions asked. The Xmas Savings and overall Savings plus our DD's trust fund are all managed by me.

So all that can be fixed.

Your 'D'P's attitude can't. That's the most important thing that needs fixing... sad

mrsspagbol Thu 18-Jul-13 17:09:30

OP:

Please listen to this:

"It doesn't matter why you're worried about money tbh, you shouldn't need to justify yourself to him. It's a completely normal and reasonable (adult) attitude to want to live within your means and his belittling approach is fairly worrying."

In my marriage, I am the one who tends to be, erm, not so good with money. blush

I can tell you that since meeting my husband and combining our finances, he has inspired me to be better, to be more adult in my approach and to try and stick to agreed budgets. This is normal. My DH is not a control freak - he behaved and behaves like an ADULT with responsibilities and his approach is what most people use to achieve joint financial goals and avoid financial ruin.

As someone who could easily turn into a complete spendthrift, I am just telling you this because your partner's attitude is NOT normal, its extremely childish and immature.

It's not Nazi-like to try and live within your means - it is what every adult should aspire to do.

Please don't get confused (you sound a bit confused, maybe because his disrespectful attitude is throwing you off?) - I can categorically tell you that your partner is being a twunt and that is before we even talk about your celebration ....

DO NOT continue to be linked to someone with this sort of attitude about money - it will destroy everything you have worked so hard to build / re-build.

This is deal breaker behaviour - you should not put up with it.

I am speaking as someone who needed to "grow up" financially. Get rid.

Alconleigh Thu 18-Jul-13 20:40:51

He doesn't love you. he doesn't even like you. And that's not because you are unloveable, or unlikeable. It's because he's a world class, ocean-going tosser. Please leave him. I know that's a horrid thought when you've just moved in together, and you will feel a fool, but don't throw good time after bad, never mind the money.

PoppyField Thu 18-Jul-13 21:06:37

What Alconleigh said - brilliant!

EllaFitzgerald Thu 18-Jul-13 21:31:07

What a horrible man. Even putting the financial issues to one side, his dismissal of you and what you were going to tell him is awful.

If your best friend had written your post, what would you be telling her?

Peregrin Sat 20-Jul-13 14:55:31

Thirding Alconleigh.

What a nasty man-child. I am worried above all by the way he seems to be intent on breaking your self-esteem. Please move on.

Dylanlovesbaez Sat 20-Jul-13 15:04:10

Reading with interest. Lots of people saying get rid. How do you do this though?

Dylanlovesbaez Sat 20-Jul-13 15:05:31

He sounds cruel. Maybe he thinks that he is not in control if you take charge of finances.

Jeez my dh can be a bit like this when the bank is in overdraft, but no way would he allow it to creep up to £-650. He will sink into debt fast and bring you the sleepless nights along with it. He has to stop being a dick and listen to you or i would seriously consider leaving as you don't have a future if he cannot curb his spending habits!

Dh was once in debt by £5000, he started out like your dp and thats the figure it ended up at. Overdrafts first, credit cards next then Littlewoods until one day i told him to sort his problem out or i would be packing his bags. He was made redundant so he used that money to pay it off, and since then we keep a tight rain on all spending. He does deviate now and then but we are talking small fry compared to then, he is not allowed credit cards or things on credit and he knows if he does he will be out the door as he caused me so many sleepless nights and worry i wouldn't be able to deal with it all again.

Anniegetyourgun Sat 20-Jul-13 15:30:51

How do you get rid? Easy.

Do explain to me how falling further and further behind with your overdraft = being in control?

Earthworms Sat 20-Jul-13 21:16:00

Annie

Brilliant, I think of that song every time anyone asks how do they leave! So glad you had the nous to link it.
And it is so true. Just go. Really. Walk out. Let the shit fall where it will. But go.

Nanny0gg Sat 20-Jul-13 21:43:25

You have two choices.

Put up with his spendthrift ways and his casual dismissal of your worries and feelings.

Or Leave the Bastard.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now