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Snooped and found out he cheated 3 days into our relationship :(

(35 Posts)
SlumberingDormouse Wed 17-Jul-13 20:20:43

I know I shouldn't have done it, and I wish I could unknow what I now know... but I can't.

In DP's archived FB messages was a message from a girl complaining about how he'd had sex with her in a toilet and then left her there. He apologised, saying he was very drunk. I looked back and all the dates match up with my text messages so he definitely did it. This was three days after we made our relationship official. sad

What the actual fuck do I do? I'm trying to act normal while I plan but I'm shaking and don't think I can hide it much longer.

Xales Wed 17-Jul-13 20:25:31

You say you made your relationship official do you mean you had the chat and decided it was exclusive?

How long have you been in a relationship?

I would suggest a trip to an STI clinic as you don't know if he used condoms and even they are not 100% protection.

What do you want to do?

/hugs

KingRollo Wed 17-Jul-13 20:27:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SlumberingDormouse Wed 17-Jul-13 20:27:30

Yes, we had had the chat three days before (initiated by him) and put it on FB. We've now been together for a year.

We both caught an STI 3 weeks after this incident. It was always puzzling because we never knew who gave it to whom as we both starting showing symptoms at the same time. Now this may be the answer...

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Wed 17-Jul-13 20:29:52

What a lowlife! DTMFA!

Xales Wed 17-Jul-13 20:31:20

He never told you about the shag in the toilet when you both had an STI three weeks later? There is no we there. He knew exactly where you had got the STI from!

Dump him.

That is unacceptable cavalier regard for your health.

What if it was something with no visible symptoms and you were now unable to have children due to his drunken actions.

KingRollo Wed 17-Jul-13 20:31:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Xales Wed 17-Jul-13 20:32:21

Oh and get another STI test too!

To be honest, just dump him. You dont have to give a reason. Save yourself the bother, and save yourself him trying to turn this around on you for snooping. Just dump.

Sorry though. sad

SlumberingDormouse Wed 17-Jul-13 20:34:42

And I went to visit him the next day and had sex with him about 12 hours after her. Ugh, I feel sick.

KingRollo Wed 17-Jul-13 20:36:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

meditrina Wed 17-Jul-13 20:38:44

3 days in, and then yes, it would be far too early to have expectations of fidelity.

But 3 days after a chat about "is this a relationship" then definitely yes, this is a problem. Only you can decide if it's a deal-breaking problem, though. I thinkit would be for me, but you have the whole of his demenour in the year since then to set against it. Do you think it is out of character? Or are there greater worries about whether you are indeed his priority?

SlumberingDormouse Wed 17-Jul-13 20:42:53

It's definitely out of character now but wasn't for who he was before. I was also promiscuous before meeting him but have never cheated. Worst of all, one of my supposedly good friends was there that night and knew all along but never told me. He's starting to notice something's up I think... And I've started on the wine. sad

Beckamaw Wed 17-Jul-13 20:44:28

Sorry. I know exactly how you feel.
What a Grade 'A' total fuckwit.
I can't really give you any practical advice, other than some men cheat, others do not.
You got yourself one who does, and need to make a decision on this basis.
It's absolute shite, and I bet you are wracking your brain for a reason.
You don't need one; he had a choice.

I hope you will be dumping him quicker than I did my dumping.
I don't think you can ever trust after that. sad

thanksthanksthanksthanks for you. And wine

SlumberingDormouse Wed 17-Jul-13 21:16:03

I caved and told him what was up. He didn't accuse me of snooping. He DID however refuse to admit he'd slept with her until I showed him her message. He then refused to admit we were in a relationship at the time until I showed him our messages and FB timeline that proved it. He treated me like a fool, but I'm not a fool and I made sure I had my evidence in order before I confronted him. Now he is begging me to let him explain. This isn't looking good, is it?

Xales Wed 17-Jul-13 21:20:44

I wouldn't be giving him the time of day. I would not be interested in any explanation he could have for giving me an STI from a quick shag and not letting me know when going through finding out what it was. Easy to say but you are emotionally involved.

There will be people here to support you if you want to leave him.

There will be people here to support you if you want to try again.

There is nothing wrong in wanting to try again and changing your mind in 3/6/12 months.

Do what is best for you.

Doha Wed 17-Jul-13 21:42:24

How can he explain?
He can beg and beg but he cannot deny the truth. The fact that you caught an STI from him and that still did not make him spill the beans is in itself a deal breaker for me

How can he explain 1-cheating on you 2- lying about not knowing where the sti had come from and 3- failing to come clean when caught out? There isn't ally an explanation other than 'I'm a total coward and a fuckwit with no integrity'...

AuntieVenom Wed 17-Jul-13 22:05:07

Is this the same man that couldn't understand why you were upset with him not telling his ex who wanted to fly 1/2 way round the world to see him to fuck off?
The fact that he gave you an STI and lied about it should be a dealbreaker. He had absolutely no qualms about putting your immediate and perhaps long term health at risk for a quick shag in a filthy toilet and then, when confronted, wriggled about like a maggot on a hook until you showed him undeniable proof. Do you really want to tie your future to someone like that? If it was me, every time I looked at him all I'd be thinking of is that his dick is a suppurating mass of filth and disease which would make any kind of intimacy impossible.

TurnipCake Wed 17-Jul-13 22:17:06

Oh, he wants to explain now - which part? The lying, cheating or the fact that he gave you an STI and played ignorant to it.

Where's that tiny violin when you need it?

Hope you're ok OP, it's a warm night, go easy on the vino if you're drinking alone

explain what? All he can do is 'justify' hmm it now.

He gave you an STI that could've been easily avoided with honesty. That would do it for me. I don't think I'd ever forget it or feel the same about a man that can cheat and leave the bloody girl in the loo. Gross.

thanks

SlumberingDormouse Wed 17-Jul-13 22:42:13

I broke up with him - not purely for the infidelity, but more because he wouldn't stop lying about it tonight, has treated me like a complete idiot (which I'm not) and assaulted me when I tried to go home.

Oh fuck sad
You have done the absolute right thing. If you start to weaken, come back and read this thread xxx

Doha Wed 17-Jul-13 22:44:12

Are you okay ?? Are you hurt at all ? Report him to the police he cant get away with that !

Catmint Wed 17-Jul-13 22:47:37

Dormouse, I am so sorry, how awful.

You have done the right thing. thanksthanks

SlumberingDormouse Wed 17-Jul-13 22:49:56

I am ok thanks and not hurt - though embarrassingly, someone came out of their house and asked what was going on. I'm now feeling really, really sad.

Somethingtothinkabout Wed 17-Jul-13 22:57:14

Awww Doormouse sad You've done the right thing, definitely. He's reacted exactly how someone who has no respect and will never take responsibility for their actions does, lie and try and wriggle out of it and admit only the bare minimum you can prove.

Better to know now then find out years later when you're even more tied to him.

Doha Wed 17-Jul-13 22:57:33

Of course your sad. Your DP was not the person he pretended to be and you future is not want you thought it would be.
But
be glad you found out now rather than a few years down the line.

Be kind to yourself and you are allowed to feel sorry for yourself for a while ( l will give you to Sunday wink).
The best revenge is to live well.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer Wed 17-Jul-13 23:00:13

That's awful - as you have said yourself it's not the act by itself but the deception and willingness to risk your health, plus now attacking you! that are deal breakers here. But it's very understandable for you to be sad. Can you ring someone you know IRL and talk it through?

Apileofballyhoo Wed 17-Jul-13 23:07:09

Definitely better to find out now but I'm sorry this happened to you flowers

Lweji Wed 17-Jul-13 23:14:41

Lucky escape, really.

Good for you for dumping him.

SlumberingDormouse Wed 17-Jul-13 23:39:54

I rang my mum and am feeling much better. Thanks for all the support; I really appreciate it :-)

Just caught up. Well done you flowers

perfectstorm Thu 18-Jul-13 00:55:07

Seconding the "well done" for having the strength to end it. And I'm so sorry it was necessary.

ImperialBlether Thu 18-Jul-13 01:00:17

I'm sorry you've gone through that tonight but you've done exactly the right thing. He's a lying, cheating prick and he doesn't deserve you.

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