Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Is my partner playing away?

(70 Posts)
Sunnydale52 Wed 17-Jul-13 09:44:18

Ok so here goes. I have been with my partner for 3 years in September and I have a horrible feeling he is cheating on me. I don't know if I am just being silly but he is being very sneaky. He had a text at bedtime last night but didn't read it. This morning when he went to make tea I had a look and there was no message on his phone, I think he read and deleted it while I was in shower. When he came up I casually asked who had text him and he said one of his mates from football. Well why delete that message, plus he has as smart phone where the messages continue in conversation form and there were other messages form this guy further down in his message list (hope that makes sense) so why lie about it? I didn't say anything.

A bit of history. He was with his ex for 16 years, they have kids together but he was never faithful. Said they just bumbled along and it was never meant to be a long term serious thing but then the kids arrived. He had an affair with someone he worked with (for about a year I think) and lots of 'others' during their relationship. He did tell me all of this after we had been dating for a couple of months and stupidly (maybe) I decided that he had been honest enough to tell me about it so I would give him the benefit of the doubt and continue to see him. After almost a year and 3 months I moved into his and rent out my house. Since moving in over a year and a half ago he doesn't seem interested in sex with me. He keeps coming up with different excuses and its pretty much always me that instigates it. Also last year after our holiday I found messages on his phone to the woman he had been cheating on his ex with and he told her he loved her and missed her. When I confronted him about this he said he didn't' mean it like that and that it was in a friendship way as they had been really good friends before the affair had started. I also found messages on his facebook to a woman he had been to college with but now lives about 3 hours away. She was saying how she missed him and wishes she was in his bed. He hadn't said anything like that back to her though but I know that when they were younger they had a 'thing'.

The problem now is that I am 20 weeks pregnant with twins (planned pregnancy) but as I get further into the pregnancy I just feel I'm can't trust him and I don't know what to do!

Please don't be mean, I am very emotional and yes I may have been stupid but in general day to day life he is very kind and caring normally. We have only had about 4 or 5 big rows since we have been together.

Really I am just looking for advice.

Sorry that was long winded and thank you for reading.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 17-Jul-13 09:56:58

If he's being secretive, unaffectionate & you've found 'miss and love' messages on his phone and facebook to various women already then I'm sorry but, if you don't feel you can trust him, you seem to have good reason. I'd confront him with this and point out that, given his history and recent behaviour, it's no good saying 'he didn't mean it like that'. He needs to make a much bigger effort to reassure you, demonstrate why he should be trusted & be fully honest & open with you.

FWIW please don't read too much into deleting messages in isolation. I clear mine off daily and have nothing to hide.

Sunnydale52 Wed 17-Jul-13 10:00:16

I now just think I was stupid to accept those excuses as that was last year and I stayed with him. He is affectionate in the fact that when we get in from work or whatever he always comes and gives me a hug and kiss and we cuddle on the sofa.

I understand this but why leave other messages from the same person and just delete one, seems odd.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 17-Jul-13 10:07:34

If it seems odd it's probably because it's odd. When you tackle people about being secrecy they usually try to excuse it by saying they didn't want you to get the 'wrong idea', or 'fly off the handle'. But you have to stand firm ... you're not overreacting, you are being put in a position where you can't trust him.

Sunnydale52 Wed 17-Jul-13 10:10:11

That's what I've been thinking.

I have this horrible feeling I will be a single mum to twins and don't know what to do.

I really love him and hope I'm wrong, but I won't hang about to be cheated on and treated like that.

I don't know what to say to him to not have a blazing row but to get my concerns across. When I confronted him about the messages he was calm as I had the proof so he couldn't deny it. But I have no proof just a feeling.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 17-Jul-13 10:23:56

You don't need proof. This isn't a law-court where evidence has to be brought before the jury to get picked over and pulled apart, it's a personal relationship. All you need to say is something like.... 'I don't feel I can trust you because the way you are behaving is secretive and deceitful and because of things that have happened in the past. If there is to be any future in this relationship, you have to commit to being much more honest and open. I'm not going to lower myself to checking up on you because I shouldn't have to. But no more secrecy, no more night-time texts or messages to old flames and, if you can't do that or if you don't want to do that, have the decency to say so rather than waste my time'

Sunnydale52 Wed 17-Jul-13 10:30:31

Good point.

Guess I just have to bite the bullet and ask the question. At times like this I really don't feel 31!

Thank you for your advice.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 17-Jul-13 10:40:24

" Said they just bumbled along and it was never meant to be a long term serious thing but then the kids arrived"

If your fear is a repeat performance, it's understandable. I hope he shapes up, I really do, but it wouldn't hurt to mentally prepare yourself for parenting alone. If you hold it out as this big, scary prospect, it can cloud your judgement and keep you trapped.

Sunnydale52 Wed 17-Jul-13 10:58:34

I guess that is my fear, but I am prepared to go it alone as a parent. I have a great family and friend support group so know I would have back up that way. Not the same but I would manage. He is a great dad to the children he has already so that's not an issue either, I just want don't want to be cheated on (who does though) and will not stand for it. When he first told me about his past I thought about it and then said I would give him the benefit of the doubt as he was honest but if I ever found out he had physically cheated on me I would walk - children or no children. However, does he now feel he got away with the messages so I don't really mean what I said? I do and I would. I was married for a while, my ex hit me, once, I ended it. I am not a doormat and will never accept being treated like that.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 17-Jul-13 11:13:01

"However, does he now feel he got away with the messages so I don't really mean what I said?"

Probably. People talk about 'boundaries' and, if you've got someone who has no concept of self-restraint is the first place and if the boundaries aren't clear, they'll keep pushing the behaviour a little further until someone tells them it's unacceptable. I'm not saying you're a doormat but 'benefit of the doubt' can so easily become 'I got away with it'

Jan45 Wed 17-Jul-13 12:12:42

So he was a serial cheat and it sounds like he still is, sorry, but all the signs are there and I would definitely think he's up to no good and it sounds like it's not just with one woman - sorry but he sounds like a guy who will never grow up and will always play the field and see what else is out there. Affairs take time and energy, time and energy he wasn't giving to his wife and kids.

If I was you, I would honestly be thinking about you and the twins and how you are going to live without him.

Sunnydale52 Wed 17-Jul-13 12:21:43

They weren't married (not that that makes a difference)

It's weird as he is very grown up and level headed. He thinks things through re house and money etc. I'm now thinking he likes the forbidden fruit so to speak. God this is doing my head in! I just want it to be home time so I can talk to him about it all.

If it came to it I would give my tenants notice and move back into my house, that's not an issue. although my mortgage payments are low (atm) it the rest of the finances I'd be worried about. But I've been skint and worried about loosing the house after splitting with exH but managed and know I can again, I'm very independent. My mum told me after all that happened and I had cleared arrears and things (that ex left me with) that she was very proud of me for working hard and not giving in, so I know I am capable.

Sunnydale52 Wed 17-Jul-13 12:26:05

Not sure if this makes a difference really but I have always had a higher sex drive than him and being pg has just made it higher rather than me not being interested. The fact I got blown off last night hasn't helped how I feel about all this today, along with the missing text message form last night.

Could it be he is just bored of our sex life and I need to find a way of spicing it up? Am I grasping at straws and will not know the real answer until talking to him.

Sorry to go I just need to vent/rant about it.

missbopeep Wed 17-Jul-13 12:32:40

Your post describing him seems to be a never-ending string of infidelity and a total lack of responsibility on his behalf for his behaviour.

I don't think he is bored with your sex life and it's certainly NOT your responsibility to spice it up- but he does seem to be a man who gets bored with relationships full stop and moves on to someone or something else rather quickly.

Sorry but I think your gut instincts are right. Some straight talking is needed or some planning for your financial future alone is what you need to consider. I think you are being taken for a mug. Sorry sad

Jan45 Wed 17-Jul-13 12:33:56

I am really sorry but it sounds like he's been cheating on you exactly in the same way as the ex and is continuing to do so - he last relationship was never meant to be serious but he happily go her pregnant more than once, how responsible.

After going out a year and a half he now doesn't want sex with you but again is happy to impregnate you.

How can you be bored with a sex life of 3 years - not in my book.

It really sounds to me that he'll now bumble along with you until you actually find the backbone to kick him into touch.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 17-Jul-13 12:35:30

He had children before with someone he was partnered with for 16 years but described that as "bumbling along"? I suppose if he were consistently unfaithful that best described it. The thrill of the chase, the infidelity, but as long as he always comes back, hey that's how he is. I don't think you are fooled and he isn't likely to confess to anything much less reform.

Now you have twins on the way and a leopard not changing his spots. Better late to find out how he is and act now than ignore this and never react. You took no crap from exH so I think you can draw on that same self preservation and eliminate a different waste product now.

OP line up real life support and beg borrow and save money and maximise your babies' stability by shoring up dependable support and not letting him muck you about.

Just read your last post. KLAXON you could be kept busy trying to keep him from straying but it isn't what you lack or give too much of that is at the core of this!

Sunnydale52 Wed 17-Jul-13 12:42:26

The kids with his ex weren't planned - not an excuse, although yes I seem to be making them for him! But he was honest about all of that happened with her.

I thought we were on the same wave length and we discussed trying for a child (am feeling very blessed to be having twins smile)

I do agree about how can you be bored with a sex life after 3 years - we should still be ripping each others clothes off surely? I understand its hard the weeks we have his boys (we have them week on week off) but still there are ways around that, they go to bed at 8 so are well asleep before we go to bed.

I have a massive fear you are also right about me being mugged off!

I am well in the mood for this talk with him now but the work day is dragging!!!! Why is that always the way.

Sunnydale52 Wed 17-Jul-13 12:50:16

Should I say I know this friend didn't text him last night a I checked his phone? Or should I omit that part. I think he must know I go though his phone sometimes after find the messages last year.

God the more I think about it the more I fell a mug! What an idiot!

missbopeep Wed 17-Jul-13 13:11:16

So he has children that were not 'planned'. Lovely- did he miss the birth control lessons at school?
But that is beside the point. Research shows that the first flush of lust goes after 12 -18 months- this was in the media last week. But if he and you are not having much sex after 3 years what hope is there after 30 years????

How can he 'bumble along' with a woman for 16 years- do you actually believe this tripe he spouts?

Get rid. fast!

Sunnydale52 Wed 17-Jul-13 13:33:30

No he didn't miss sex ed classes, and not sticking up for him but I think it was more her way of trying to keep him. I think she probably trapped him to be honest and thought he would then stay with her. He is a great dad and finds it hard being away from the boys.

I know that sounds like I'm sticking up for him, but a lot of people stay in relationships for the wrong reasons.

I can see why you are saying 'tripe' but a lot happened through their relationship that they helped each other through so I think they both felt they owed the other to stay.

He is not a bad man, yes he was (might still be) a serial cheat but generally he is very caring and since being pg he is very attentive to me in other ways.

Basically it's the sex, or lack of it, and the secrecy that is the issue. I understand that from what I have written he may come across as a 'bad man' but honestly he isn't.

I have now confided in a friend about this as well and she is shocked at what I have said even though she knew about his past. She has said that if I am right then he has fooled everyone (with his ex it wasn't a secret about is infidelity, everyone knew it was going on) and she has said that we are a solid couple, but does think I should talk to him about my feelings and worries.

I can honestly see what everyone is saying - and I am having a talk with him tonight as they way things are just aren't working for me (basically I need more sex!) and that he has to be less secretive. If it turns out my fears are true and he is cheating on me then so be it and I will leave. I am a strong woman and can cope on my own, I know this, but at the same time I really love this man and we do have a good relationship otherwise.

I appreciate everyones views and opinions and advice - even if I have found some bits hard to read I posted here for a reason, to get a wide range of advice.

Jan45 Wed 17-Jul-13 14:42:57

Good luck, I know you say he is a nice man but nice men don't string women along for 16 years and have children with them and everyone knew, could he be any more disrespectful to her and his children.

Having said that, maybe he has changed his spots and we are being harsh, I'm really not sure what to think any more, it looks bad, whatever it is he is not treating you like a life partner and sorry but any man not wanting sex would raise alarm bells in my ears.

I hope you get to the bottom of what is going on and let us know, would be interesting to hear his take.

missbopeep Wed 17-Jul-13 15:09:26

I agree with Jan.

When you say he is nice, you mean that for some of the time he is kind to his children, and maybe to you.

But being deceitful, having affairs for years - 16 years we assume- and drifting in a relationship is not good behaviour.

You need to separate out his behaviour and who he is. 'Nice' people can do bad things. But if someone keeps doing the same thing ( ie affairs and deceit) you have to ask if they are nice - or just covering up some bad behaviour with superficial 'niceness' - possibly out of guilt, and denial of their other side.

I wonder why he is pursued by so many women who are not his wife? Is he that attractive? And why doesn't he knock it all on the head- there's no law saying you have to be on FB!

I'm really sorry but you seem to be making excuses for him, and not wanting to see what is staring you in the face.

Sunnydale52 Wed 17-Jul-13 15:20:39

She was just as bad for letting him get away with it in my book. But that's not my relationship to comment on really.

He is always kind to his children, that is not an issue. He is totally involved in their upbringing and is a governor at their school. He is a better dad than a lot of men I know. Although I do agree that the disrespect he showed for his ex when they were together is not ok.

Same reason lots of men are attracted to what women would class as tarts I suppose.

I'm not making excuses for his behaviour and if he is cheating then he is out of here and I will go it alone with my babies. But at the same time am I just assuming the worst because of his past. I've always had the higher sex drive, and that has always been an 'issue' that I have raised with him several times. I've found that in past relationships of mine I have a high sex drive as well - just the way I'm wired I guess.

If I didn't want to see what was starting me in the face I wouldn't be asking the question, I would let him get on with it like his ex, which I won't. I just wanted advice, which I will/have taken, and was wondering how others would approach the subject with their partners.

Sunnydale52 Wed 17-Jul-13 15:24:37

Oh and he is always kind/nice to me, I an count the arguments on one had that we've had. So that isn't the issue either.

Jan45 Wed 17-Jul-13 15:29:53

Definitely don't agree with your comment that she was as bad as him cos she let him `away` with it - two completely separate issues there.

It doesn't sound like you're a sex maniac, it sounds like he doesn't want sex, possibly just with you or perhaps any woman which doesn't ring true when he's had his cock out so much in the past.

I've been in my relationship for 11 yrs and we have regular sex, without it I wouldn't class myself as being in one.

I don't know the truth, you can only talk to him and try and get him to explain why he is telling another woman he misses and loves her and another one telling him she wants to be in his bed, that and the history with the ex doesn't exactly shine him in a good light now does it...

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 17-Jul-13 15:30:51

Be very wary, then, that you don't become "just as bad" by putting up with it, too.

It certainly sounds like he is up to old tricks. I suspect the reason that his ex put up with it is because it's very hard to leave, especially with kids, and much easier to stay and believe the lies.

TurnipCake Wed 17-Jul-13 15:33:34

I was in a situation where I knew my ex was behaving inappropriately (explicit texts to others, Facebook messages, trying to meet up with others behind my back) and I chose to ignore it because I had a huge fear of being alone.

So for a few months I lived with the doubt, the worries that every time he was on his phone he was texting another woman, and I would worry every time he went out. It wore me down, health wise I really deteriorated both mentally and physically. He left me for someone else anyway, but in hindsight I wish I had walked out when I had reason to doubt him, my instincts were right.

You're in a vulnerable position but you have to ask yourself what it will take. He has already told someone else he misses them and loves them, however nice he is (my ex had a prominent, respected position in the community and we never had blazing rows) ultimately it's your happiness and your babies that matter.

She wasn't 'just as bad' she was being had. Like you probably are.

Sunnydale52 Wed 17-Jul-13 15:41:59

I agree, it doesn't shine him in a good light. But with the woman on FB he never said anything of a sexual nature to her, hence never bringing that up with him at the time of finding it.

We have sex at least once a week, so am I being demanding? I don't really think so. (I don't think you had to be so crass as the way you put it about him having no problem getting his 'cock' out though, there are feelings involved here)

I have already had the conversation about why he said misses and loves her - that was last year. He said that it was as a friend he felt these things (and their affair ended about 3 years before I met him) as they had been friends long before the affair started. He said he understands if I don't understand that, but I told him I did. I have lost a very good friend as his wife decided she didn't like me because we had a past. We hadn't been in a relationship at all, we were very good close friends who had had a few sexual encounters (we were both single at the time of these as it was before he met her) Therefore I do know what its like to love and miss someone but on a friendship basis. There was nothing in the messages about them meeting or doing anything, this is why I let it 'go' so to speak but I did say it wasn't allowed and if I found anything again I would be out of there.

missbopeep Wed 17-Jul-13 15:46:35

I don't know why you posted as your mind seems made up- that he isn't doing what you suspected.

In the time you have been with this man - 3 short years- he has told a former lover he loved her and missed her ( but didn't mean it like 'that'- whatever 'that' means.)

He has also responded in some way to a woman who 'wishes she were in his bed'.

Is this 'nice' behaviour? What does commitment mean to you? Cos his behaviour doesn't show commitment to me.

Forget the school governor bit- think of all the do-gooders and priests who have been caught with their trousers down. Pillar of the community means fuck all, and it's often there to cover up another side to the person.

Do you in some ways get a kick out of thinking women are all over him, but you have got him?

And why- for a man who drops his trousers so fast in terms of being unfaithful, does he now have no sex drive for the woman he is with?

Sunnydale52 Wed 17-Jul-13 15:51:49

Come on guys is there really need to be mean over this. TheOrchardKeeper that's a really insensitive comment to leave and just post that. Maybe I am being had, but I intend to find out and won't hang about. I didn't post on here to be made to look a fool - even if you think I am- I came here for advice. And was she really 'being had' if she knew about it, she was turning a blind eye and letting him do it.

TurnipCake I totally agree that it is my babies that matter and I will always put them first. I have been waiting for what feels like forever to be a mum, and to now think that I've waited this long and still possibly had children with the wrong man is very upsetting for me.

Jan45 Wed 17-Jul-13 15:54:47

I too wonder why you are asking advice as it sounds like you now don't think he has cheated but your post says you think he has, doesn't really make sense.

Sorry if using the word cock upset you, I certainly didn't mean to do that, it was more to highlight the fact that now he never seems to bring it out - sorry again, I'm finding this quite amusing now.

Look, the advice you get on here is irrelevant, only you know what you want to do, most folk on here after reading your post, will think the same-he's probably cheating again so don't shoot us down for it, it's a public forum so people will be very honest in their opinions.

I'm sorry but I don't even understand your above post with his reasons for being in touch with these other women.

I wish you all the best and hope you find out the truth soon.

Sunnydale52 Wed 17-Jul-13 15:59:00

Oh that's nice to say this is now amusing you.

I obviously have concerns he is cheating - or I wouldn't' have posted in the first place!

Yes they are public forums but maybe people should think about how they put things first.

I couldn't tell you exactly how many times he cheated on her, just that I know he did.

TurnipCake Wed 17-Jul-13 16:01:38

His ex is irrelevant in this situation, I think you're focusing a lot on proving that you're Not Like Her because you don't want the same happening to you but as much as you say about her turning a blind eye and 'letting him' cheat hmm ultimately she's better off without him and you're left with the booby prize, so put the focus back to you.

He has told you he cheats, he has known to cheat and he is behaving in a way that makes you suspicious. You say you won't hang about, but realistically, what kind of proof do you need?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 17-Jul-13 16:01:43

I am not going to hound you and I am sorry if this upsets you, so my last contribution. It is very nice if he is cuddly and seems pro-baby and good company when he is beside you. How can you trust him when he is out of sight?

I am not saying you can ring fence him and decide who he is friends with. There is a difference between open friendship and FBing or messaging ex girlfriends. It is too easy for someone who has "'fessed up" to say,
"Oh Sunnydale, you knew what I was like, yet you chose to stand by me".
Perhaps his frankness was attractive, maybe you thought he is not so bad, a good daddy, possibly you thought he was absolutely sincere.

No woman pregnant by a a partner wants to think of him as anything but loving and decent. I sympathise you are keen to stand up for his good qualities rather than "Give a dog a bad name and hang him".

When I confronted him about the messages he was calm as I had the proof so he couldn't deny it.
I should think he was "calm", how could he deny it, were you calm? Did he apologise, make promises, toe the line?

However, does he now feel he got away with the messages so I don't really mean what I said?

I'm afraid so.

He may twist any doubts and he may say he regrets being honest and upfront, if now you are suspicious and don't trust him.

It is good to start afresh, no secrets, but you can't ignore what your instinct is warning you. Telling you about how shabbily he conducted his last relationship isn't proof that he will now be loyal and faithful. It's not even restricted to out-of-town ex gf is it. He didn't stray far when he had an affair with a colleague did he. That was past history but I hope it's not present.

If he is turning down sex with you and has been sending sneaky texts at least since last summer, does that seem normal? How will he be when you are 7 months' gone? Occupied with newborn twins?

Tbh I think if you go down the road of, It must be my fault, not keeping him happy, poor him he will grab that excuse and flout that. Good luck.

Sunnydale52 Wed 17-Jul-13 16:10:29

That has not upset me Donkey

I think you are right that his frankness was attractive.

He did do all those things when I confronted him yes, and it took a long while for me to forgive him. I think part of his problem as well is that he gets comfortable in the relationship - still not an excuse, just a reason. And yes you are probably right he probably does think that now (that's if he is even cheating)

He's not turning down sex with me when I make the move, maybe only 3 times in three years has he turned it down.

I do not think it must be my fault, I have never given him a reason to stray if he is. So therefore, if he is that's just him and I made a big mistake on taking the chance - that would be my fault but hey ho.

I guess I will find out one way or the other when I get in from work tonight.

Jan45 Wed 17-Jul-13 16:11:00

Sunnydale, sorry I meant what I was writing was amusing, I can see now that was a bit insensitive towards you so I do apologise.

Again, folk on here are very blunt and to the point, we're all anonymous so it's a lot easier to be frank, sorry I might have been too frank but that's what you get on here.

CalamityKate Wed 17-Jul-13 16:11:53

I'd bet good money that he's playing away.

Not sure why you posted though because you're excusing him at every turn and trying desperately to convince yourself he's innocent.

Sunnydale52 Wed 17-Jul-13 16:13:25

Ok that makes sense Jan45 so I in turn apologise for saying.

I have posted on here before, just not in relationships and under a different account so I know what it can be like. I guess I just don't get why some people think that because it anonymous they can be insensitive? I'm not and wouldn't be.

Sunnydale52 Wed 17-Jul-13 16:17:09

I'm not meaning to excuse him, just get more of the picture across - which I seem to not be doing to well.

I do think there is a good chance he is playing away - I was mainly looking for advice on how to confront him I guess. I'm not really up for a massive row - I'm too pregnant and too hot for that. I am good at dealing with things with a rational head - life has dealt me that hand - I wait until I'm alone for the storm to hit me. It is very rare I will scream and shout and cry in front of people, I detach myself instead.

Jan45 Wed 17-Jul-13 16:17:09

Don't be daft, you're going through a hard time of it right now, I honestly do feel for you and hope things are all sorted out, esp with the babies on the way. I would never find someone's problem amusing, I really wouldn't.

And remember, writing down things is not the same as face to face chats, if you can have them with friends you're better off doing that than reading what's on here which most of the time is inconsistent cos we ALL make assumptions and can be wrong - a lot!

Sunnydale52 Wed 17-Jul-13 16:19:07

That is true jan45 and if I had a friend I could talk to face to face today I would probably be doing that instead but as i'm at work (getting lots done you can see) I haven't got the time to see anyone.

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 17-Jul-13 16:19:53

I think it's just one of those topics that gets peoples backs up.

I don't think you love and miss friends from a long time ago. Especially friends that you've had a sexual relationship with. He can't say he loves her like a sister, because he's slept with her. So he can only love her like he loves you - and that's supposed to be exclusive. Even if he was feeling it, he shouldn't have told her!

I get the feeling that he is rather good at tying people in knots and hiding in plain sight, so I'd take what he says with a pinch of salt. It's not like he can prove who text him - and if it was innocent, why delete just that one message?

missbopeep Wed 17-Jul-13 16:27:41

Sunnydale- read what was in you OP

he doesn't seem interested in sex with me. He keeps coming up with different excuses and its pretty much always me that instigates it

Why do you keep backtracking? Your recent posts defend him and say you have sex once a week and he has never refused you. yet the words above show how upset you really are.

If excuses are not rejection then what are they?

Can I ask why your relationship is not on a permanent footing? Has he shown any interest in being married? To you- or any woman?
Does he go around creating babies but not showing any real, binding commitment to the woman he is with at the time?

You say you are 'very independent', OP, but I would attest you are not. You are co-dependent, if anything. When you say he was 'open and honest' abut his previous affairs you talk as though this was in soe way noble of him. He was actually telling you what you could expect, can't you see that? You really ought to prepare yourself for either a) a life without him in it or b) a life of you and the twins coming second to his outrageous ego which evidently needs stoking by the attentions of other women.

He is a rat and will never change. I am sorry you ever got stuck with him. So what if he cuddles you on the sofa? He's a liar and a cheat. Get rid of that millstone round your neck.

*some.

Sunny, you're asking how to confront him. You're hot and bothered and 20 wks pregnant. You hate crying and wailing. So kick your tenants out and move back into your home, telling him that no amount of denials will convince you he isn't cheating and that you want him out of your life. If he loves you he will do everything to turn his life around.

Sunnydale52 Wed 17-Jul-13 16:37:06

Oh I see what you mean, my opening post made sense to me. I meant he keeps coming up with excuses as to why he doesn't often instigate sex - sorry that was my mixed messages there.

I am independent, I don't care what you think on that front. Yes maybe I should have taken it as a warning message, but I decided not to at the time, hence me now wondering if I did make a mistake - I'm only human we all make them. I have my own money and my own house - if he's cheating I will not hesitate to walk away, he can see the twins but as for us it will be over.

Again what I was wanting was advice on how to bring up the conversation about it with him - or do I need actual evidence that he has/is cheating?

Sunnydale52 Wed 17-Jul-13 16:39:00

Haha juicy is that really what you would do if you didn't 100% know your partner was cheating? That seems a little hot headed - to ruin a relationship that might just need a bit of work and to not give children a united family just on instinct?

Sunnydale52 Wed 17-Jul-13 16:40:37

If he isn't cheating then we can work on the sex thing surely? Yes I have my suspicions but that's not 100% truth is it.

Sunnydale52 Wed 17-Jul-13 16:43:19

missbopeep re

*Can I ask why your relationship is not on a permanent footing? Has he shown any interest in being married? To you- or any woman?
Does he go around creating babies but not showing any real, binding commitment to the woman he is with at the time?*

It was me that was against marriage to begin with - I had a abusive marriage that I got out of. He has asked me before if I would consider marriage and I said i'm not sure, so he is the one that brought that up and I kinda poo pooed the subject.

Sunny, I can see you're the kind of woman who will never fully believe their other half is cheating unless you actually catch him between another woman's legs. Good luck. You are going to need it sad

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 17-Jul-13 16:50:06

It seems that seeing the message was gone opened your eyes to the possibility that he was cheating.

Now you are desperate to jam them closed again.

He won't need to try hard to convince you that he's not cheating, because you are desperate to believe that he's not back up to old tricks, and it's saveable.

That's your choice, but its something to keep in mind. Ignorance isn't always bliss.

Sunnydale52 Wed 17-Jul-13 16:51:24

Hmmmm strange comment. If after talking to him tonight I believe he is then that's it. I don't need to catch him between another womans legs, but at the same time I'm not going to throw away a relationship if I'm not 100% sure he has. I don't know anyone who would to be honest.

Sunnydale52 Wed 17-Jul-13 16:54:17

I'm not trying to jam my eyes closed at all. again I just wanted advice on how to START THE CONVERSATION with him. I totally agree this missing message does not look good at all, and is very strange behaviour if he isn't cheating. But if I go in all guns blazing screaming and shouting that isn't going to do me any good now is it, if anything that kind of behaviour is only going to stress me more, raise blood pressure and put my babies at risk - so trying to do it calmly is surely the best option, no?

hmm

Sunnydale52 Wed 17-Jul-13 16:57:43

That's helpful.

missbopeep Wed 17-Jul-13 16:59:13

If you had doubts Sunny about whether you wanted to commit to him why press on with having kids? Funny way to go about things. Kids are more of a tie than a piece of paper.

Was this your biological clock ticking- you mentioned you'd waited for ages to be a mum?

I hope you manage to talk to him. I don't expect him to be truthful- he only does that when it suits him.

Jan45 Wed 17-Jul-13 16:59:58

Sunnydale - it looks bad to us because we are looking in from the outside - you may have a different perspective and I hope you get the answers tonight, come back tomorrow and let us know, good luck x

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 17-Jul-13 17:01:14

Fair enough.

Are you going to show him your hand then, so to speak, or are you just going to ask who was texting him last night?

Sunnydale52 Wed 17-Jul-13 17:02:33

I didn't' have doubts about wanting to commit to him - or I wouldn't of got pregnant. Yes kids are more important than a bit of paper - and if this whole text thing last night hadn't happened if he asked me to marry him I would have said yes. Again I know I'm going to get bashed for saying that but the relationship other than sex is great.

My clock has been ticking since I was 18, and I didn't have them with my ex as I realised that was not a good idea and ended the marriage.

Well I am finishing work now so guess its time. I'm still none the wiser as to how to go about this talk though, guess I have to go with the flow.

Sunnydale52 Wed 17-Jul-13 17:03:56

Just gonna see how it pans out I guess. I'm thinking i'm gonna have to fess up to checking his phone and seeing that the message has gone though.............................................

Either way will come back tomorrow to comment on how it went.

missbopeep Wed 17-Jul-13 17:04:46

Sunny- your OP didn't ask for advice on how to bring up the topic.

All you had to say was' I think there is a chance of my DP cheating. he has a history of this. Sex between us had dwindled and he never inititates it. How can I discuss this.'

But you didn't ask that.

You seem mightily forgetful of what you did post and very good at ignoring my comments ( and others) about going back to your OP and seeing precisely what you did write.

But if you want advice on what to say- no, you don't need to shout.
You do need to ask him to sit down and have a serious, calm talk with you.

But honestly- really- can you see him admitting to his bit on the side on the basis of 1 deleted text?

I think you need a reality check.

msshapelybottom Wed 17-Jul-13 17:26:27

I feel for you, I really do. I wouldn't ever want to be in a relationship where I had doubts about my partner.

Speaking from experience on the sex front, my ex rarely wanted sex with me, I married him despite this and things never changed, except I began to feel more and more desperate for him to "want" me and my self esteem plummeted. (my ex never cheated AFAIK). Knowing what I know now, I should have ended things a lot earlier!

Being single is way better than carrying around the weight of worrying about how your partner is behaving. Really, it is. Despite all the difficulties of being a single parent to 3 kids, I would NEVER go back to that rap again.

You don't need evidence. You just need to decide if this is how you want to live your life...wondering about what he's up to and checking his phone.

msshapelybottom Wed 17-Jul-13 17:27:28

I have never rapped. Crap is what I would not go back to grin

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 17-Jul-13 17:52:09

Did say my last post was my final contribution (squirm) so have PM'd you OP.

morethanpotatoprints Wed 17-Jul-13 18:20:26

Hello OP

If it was me I'd be asking myself if there was another woman who he was telling all the stories to just like he did you.
Are you sure that he didn't plan the last children with his ex, as you say he is good at planning things.
Could he be telling another woman that he wasn't in it for keeps? He hasn't married you either.
Once the trust is gone afaic that's the end of the relationship, you need to ask yourself if you can trust this man.

missbopeep Thu 18-Jul-13 10:25:52

Did you talk to him then?

Jan45 Thu 18-Jul-13 10:27:07

Hope you're ok and got answers

onefewernow Thu 18-Jul-13 10:46:22

IME, instincts and suspicion are usually proven right. I learned that the hard way.

Also, serial cheats are philanderers - look up Frank Pittman on those. They don't usually stop without serious shocks or therapy, and they often escalate when a new baby is involved. Women are sometimes seen as mothers or sex objects to them, but not both at the same time.

Also, women who are assertive and seen to be can end up taking all kinds of crap of this sort by allowing their boundaries to be eroded but by bit, believing in proof they may never get.

Finally, philanderers are very very often charming men in other ways. That is one of the reasons they are so successful at it.

None of these things may apply to you. But based on what you have posted it does look worrying.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now